Sex With Emily - Lube Up Your Relationship

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

Today, comedian Adam Ferrara shares how to completely overhaul communication in a long-term relationship. He shares his coping strategies for ADD, why worry isn’t a “responsibility” and blows up the common belief around achievements making us happy (hint: it doesn’t).We also help a caller figure out how to talk to her boyfriend about their passionless sex life—with the right approach, it’s nearly always possible to bring back the magic.For more information about Adam Ferrara, visit: adamferrara.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's a way of disciplining yourself not to react to the thought. You are not your thoughts. That's the first thing I have to learn. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on day. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today we're talking about clear attentive communication and the power it has to smooth out the wrinkles in your relationship. So, like, if you're walking on eggshells around your partner, maybe that happens. You know, do you get your signals crossed? Well, my guest today, comedian Adam Ferra, is here to walk us through all the communication tips he's learned from his long-term marriage. You know, because life isn't perfect, we have to learn how to have some of these conversations, and we're here to show you how. We also talk about therapy, and Adam tells me how he's learned to cope with his everyday stress. We also talk to you, and Apple Collar figure out how to talk to her boyfriend about their passionless sex life. All right, intentions with Emily join me in

setting an intention for the show. So what do you want to get out of the episode? It could be, yeah, I want a great tip on how to talk to my partner about these things that are really bothering me. And my intention is to show you healthy ways to communicate with your partner that will bring you closer together instead of pulling you apart. Survey, we have a new survey. It's our Better Sex Survey sponsored by Pure.

And I just want to hear what you have going on now, what are your sex goals for the year. And a lot of to hear what you have going on now, what are your sex goals for the year, and a lot of you have been emailing me and saying, Oh, thanks for your survey. I actually got me thinking about my own sex life, and I learned something. So I would love if you could check it out. It's really easy to take. It is sex with Emily dot com slash survey, and I appreciate you. It really helps us make a even stronger show because I want to know what you like and what you want to hear. And just remember if you have any questions at all that you want to ask me, just call me directly. It's Monday through Friday, 5 to

7 p.m. Pacific and I can just help you take the next right step. It's like little mini doses of therapy. The number is AAA9478277 that's AAA947 nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. All right. Enjoy the show. I love when Adam Ferra is on the show. He's the host of the Adam Ferra podcast, 30 minutes, you'll never get back. It feels like five. That's how good he is, right?

Emily Morris, of course, is one of my favorite episodes and I'm glad you had me back. We are. Thank you. I love it. I love being on yours. We did a podcast swap, you know, we did do that. But Adam, we're going to take a call. We can help out Brianna, 25 in California. Adam's in a successful marriage,

and I've got some years here to help. What's going on Brianna? How can we help you? I am kind of in a predicament here. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, got back together with him the next day, because I felt like it was a wrong decision. But the reason why I did in the first place was because I as shallow as it sounds and it makes me so sad, is that I'm just losing sexual attraction

to him. I feel like our chemistry in the bedroom is just off. I've tried telling him like, hey, I want you to be more confident and aggressive and he's tried and bless his heart. I love that about him, but it's just like it's not happening. I know it's not sad. I kind of have been messaging this guy and like, I don't see that guy as like relationship material. I'm just getting that like sexual like teasing like satisfaction and it makes people and I love my boyfriend so much and like that's why it's kind of like oh okay like I decided to like stop doing that

first of all but like I want to like work on that part of our relationship because literally like everything is perfect about this guy except he's not like my typical old type and the sex is just not there. Okay. I get it, Brianna. Let me just tell you this. So you're 25 years old. You've been together two years, you said, and let me just tell you, this is what happens in a lot of relationships.

Many, most relationships but at the time you get to two years, there won't be as much of that passion and that excitement and that chemistry you had at the beginning of the relationship. That's what happens. And so what couples, what I do is I help couples figure out, well, how do you talk about, how do you communicate about sex? So the thing is, I'll bet that he wants to do, I bet he wants to be more, what did you say, more aggressive or more assertive, he doesn't know how. Like you guys are still, you know, you're 25, figuring it out, and so is there a way that you could,

if you want it, and I appreciate, I know what you're saying too, I was you when I was 25, and I wish someone told me that this is what happens in relationships, and you have to choose to work on it or not. You know, so I think that it's always attractive when you're dating someone, that this would happen to me, I date someone for two years years and this is common. And then you meet someone else.

And then they're really into you. And then they make you get that excitement, those butterflies at noon is that you did not feel early on. And you don't feel anymore with your boyfriend. So you think, well, it must be this guy. So I got to tell you, it's not probably about the other guy. So either you have two choices there. I would say you could go back to your boyfriend, which you did. And you could choose to say, you know what? I realize that we both could work on this together. I don't mean to tell you that you need to just start initiating or doing different things because you have to learn it together.

And then you could say, let's figure out together what feels good to both of us. You go to my website, we have something called a yes, no, maybe list. You could download it, it helps couples figure out what you're both into sexually it helps that conversation a lot of couples listen to this show or my podcast So I think that it's more about learn and you're learning too So the 20s are you know learning about yourself and your body and so You know, I know that he's great. I ask Yeah He does like like like I want someone to like go down on me

and like, you know, do some like, no, finger action. He'll do the fingering, but like, he will go down on me. Like, just like the biggest. Well, that's the way I go. Okay, right? Like, I'm like, oh, gosh, and like, he'll, I even said it would be like, it's the dreamer.

The people at the same time. You're in the lead. I have a question. Do you go down on him? Do you give him blow jobs? So I'm a giver and I have stopped giving him blow jobs and doing hand things one because he's never come. Like when I give him blow jobs and he says,

because he gets too excited for that he wants the vagina. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. But that personally never happens to me. Like, you know, where guys never come when I'm giving him a blow job. But like, that kind of was disappointment, but not only that, but he's very selfish in the bedroom too. And I told him, I was like, hey, you're in the bedroom, and I need you to put me first. And he'll ask me, what do you like?

And I'm like, well, I just like you to be confident and just do whatever you want to do. Throw me around, be aggressive, and whatever I don't like, I'll say no, but I just want you to dominate me basically. And he's just not giving me anything to work with. So that's the frustrating thing. It's sex. It's sex. Like we can always work on that, but like you're not, I don't know, because everything

has its perfect. I'm like, I don't want to throw away this great relationship when it's just this one thing. You know? Well it's bigger thing. I mean you're saying that he's, I'm not going to get Adam's take on this too. Adam, I don't know. You know, it's bigger thing. I mean, you're saying that he's, I'm not going to get Adam's take on this too. Adam, I know he's, you know, it's a lot of sex talk here. Has it ever been good and deteriorated

or has it never been? Um, it's never really been good. Oh, okay. Like, that's it. So, that's that, that's it. Here, you're trying, you're not trying to fix something. You're trying to create something. Yeah. If it wasn't there in the beginning, you're not going to get it back you're trying to create something. Yeah.

If it wasn't there in the beginning, you're not going to get it back. Like because he doesn't have the, he probably doesn't know how maybe eventually he'll learn to be a great lover, but the fact that he has a germ thing and he won't go down into you, like maybe some guys don't like it

because they might not know what they're doing and they feel inadequate or they, but if he just won't do it, to me, that's just a no-go zone. And now you're not giving him blood out. First of all, the thing that you said, Brianna, that you should be commended for is I was doing this and I stopped because. So you have a vagina and a conscience.

Good girl. So. But what if you put yourself into mindset and ask yourself the question, do I want to build this with him and are you willing to do this with me? That's the question. If you rephrase the question, it's not like you got to get back to something that wasn't there. Do you want to go forward and make this better? Here's what I need. Here's a way we can do it. I'm open to any other way you might have. And then you work on it together. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not a problem. It's something to be accomplished. Yeah. Okay. It's an effort. Yeah. That is such a great way to put it. You could say, oh, yeah, let's do this together because you're both in it together. It's not up to you to figure it out. And then see if he wants to work on it together because they guarantee you both have a lot to learn together.

But he has to be a willing participant. I don't know how you sound very evolved. You've got conscious, like Adam said, and of a Jaina. Does he have the emotional maturity? Does he want to work on it with you? But I think you'll know sooner than later if you were to like that. If he's like, I'm not interested

or we shouldn't have to work on it, you know, then you'll know. Yeah. See if he's down and you guys can figure out that. And he's like, for first thing, and he was like, listen, I need to learn things about me. Will you help me? Because he's gonna, he doesn't want to know that he doesn't know.

Yes. Yeah. Because you don't know either. Let's be honest, Brianna, you probably are still discovering your body what feels good to you at 25. Oh, absolutely. Like, I mean, definitely. There's like, that's why I like, I want to explore things.

And like, you know, I, you know, I think in the past couple years, I've started getting into a loop and like, you know, I think in the past couple of years have started getting into a loop and like doing different things and different positions and like even trying to master me on my own because I'm like, oh, I'm just not into myself that way. There's a way I can get off. And to the say that still like a work in progress, but I feel like it's getting better because I have no other choice right now because I'm not getting any satisfaction

right now. But yeah. So this is exactly it, Brian. If you don't know it, yeah, it is about your journey to figure out what feels good to you and your body and you're absolutely right going on that journey. And I like what Adam said about, do you want to come with me and help me figure it out? I haven't had an orgasm in this way or I'd like to figure it out. And then I think when you enroll the guy, you're like, look at this.

Let me show you what we can learn on our body. Let's do this together that maybe he'd be more down than saying, like, you don't know this and you're, you know, you need to ask for directions here, you know, I don't think that men like to be told that necessarily. Now, I don't even want to ask directions driving. You think I'm going to ask directions, but it's 25. Exactly. Exactly.

Definitely. Right? That's so much. Yeah. That's how I hope it. I hope it. I got a lot of podcasts about this. A lot of couples listen to my podcast together and get inspired. They go, Emily said, should we try to have the conversation this way or try this

mission. But I think this is a good first step. Try to have the conversation and see if he's down in the coffee bag. Let me know. I'm here for you every night. Thank you so much. Of course, you're welcome, Brianna. Thanks for calling.

They can't be happy. So fun. Sex with Emily will continue after this quick word from our sponsors. Listen, this debut number one on iTunes, his comedy album, it's scary in here. And it's really good. So I have to say, I'm sort of like, how do I not listen to, I don't know what comedy albums I haven't listened to in years. And I listened to it, it's like prep. And then I was totally into it and laughing.

And it's like little and then I was totally into it and laughing and it's like little small bites of Adam. You get them for free and all the platforms. That's right. It's great. And it's worth it. And a lot of it was about my anxiety and about the way I'm dealing with life. Well, that's the thing is that it is about your anxiety and it's pre quarantine.

So I'm glad we're checking in now. How is the anxiety Adam Sarah? Oh my God. So I'm glad we're checking in now. How is it? anxiety. Adam Pharah. Oh my God. Because I can relate. Okay. You thank God you're here helping people and people have this outlet. My my issue is I beat myself up. I turn my my frustration in on myself and you should do better and is there's that loop in my head. That's why you don't meditation. I'm too wound up for meditation. I don't think your modu should be look what you did. Look what you did, look what you did. So I'll tell you what,

one of the things that I found that really, really helped me was the phrase, worry is not responsibility. That got crossed up in my head because my dad was my hero. He was the one that took care of the family and you wanted to emulate the man of the family. That's just the way I grew up. And my father was worried about feeding everybody who left these guys. They had lights on.

I mean, it was the whole, it was everything. You'd never let anyone outside this house know we talk about in here. I'm like, pop, the windows are open and you scream. They can hear you. Right. So it was always worrying about feeding everybody and taking care of everything and make sure everybody was protected. It was the projection of my parents' fears on their children was part of it, but the

rest was just, you know, it can be a cruel world and you got to look out for yourself. So I got the message that worry was responsibility because I was emulating a behavior from my dad. So when I learned worry is not responsibility, it freed up the fact that I don't have to be this anxious. You don't have to worry. I don't have to worry that much to be a good man at the house. You know, man at the house has to be aggravated, worried and take care of him. No, he doesn't.

That's just the wiring in my head. So that helped me a great deal. Worry is not responsible. What do you want to do about it? That's a really good one. Well, I have a different thing. Well, okay, so much like you, Adam, I have the negative self-talk as well. But it's like, mine says, it's so funny,

you're saying this, because I went through this this morning. I'll take my therapy notes that are right in front because you're never done. It's about, I worry about everything. I worry that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not enough. So the opposite of that is like, I am enough.

That would be like the affirmation when you try to flip it, but I do this EMDR therapy about that. So it's like, I'm not doing it enough, I'm not good enough, I won't be able to do this. And it's constant in my head that I am constantly, I fuck something up, a big one is I'm not gonna follow through. And you know, here's something I can say to my whole team here,

because this is a big thing about work. I worry that I'm, because I'm ADD like you are. And I have been challenging it for a long time in getting stuff done and follow through in details Like I love like you said before that I'm good at my job I love helping people But can I remember to put the keys back in the bowl? Can I do I have systems and organization? No, and then I feel I don't I was fall through with things and my team knows that that's why I have an awesome team

But then I often feel like oh they just think I'm not doing enough. So then this is what I came over today Do you mind if I process my therapy with you Adam? Please delete it out there. What I came up with was, oh, that it's okay that just because these things happen to me, I'm, oh God, I didn't mean to go here today, but I'm not a bad, it's not a bad thing. It's not like a, people know me, they expect me,

I'm a good person, I have good intent, and they probably know, I believe that's why my assistant gets a copy of everything. I'm not gonna see it or read it. And it doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Like I'm not a bad person because I have these skills that ADD isn't mean you're lazy or stupid or not successful or not all these things. That in fact, that's what makes me unique, perhaps.

Sure. Let me ask you this, when you get something done, do you feel better about yourself? No. Okay, the other thing is, no, I don't opt for a moment, and then I think of what else the 10 things I didn't do. Yeah, okay, so I'm focusing on the one person not laughing. That's, I do that too. I think God, I can't see everyone's face on Zoom right now. Thank God, I can't see them,

because if they're not, right, I would be worried, so. They're plotting against this, you don't trust me. They do, they're looking at me. What, what, what, but that's what I think about. But out of my love that you turn into to humor and all the things that you do. And I know it's not easy being a comedian and artist, but I think it's, I think you have to think I want to ask you because I have to say about thinking their salvation in achievement, thinking about my identity lies externally from me. If I, it's, if then, if I do that, then I'll be happy. If this happens, then this will be, you know.

It's right. Okay, so it is bullshit that whole once I get the house, the wife, the family, then I'll be happy. That is true. So we know that intellectually and you're right. I have that same thing. And then so appreciating your successes and the small moments are what's important.

So it's like the moment by moment, you have to just be like, it is enough. I am enough. It's okay right now. It's not about achievement. So does that mean that you've let go of achievement at all? I can say this shit, but doing it fucking hurts. No, I know intellectually, I know my anxiety comes from future thought of something that hasn't occurred yet. And my regret comes from depression and things I should have done. There was a bit on the album called anxiety and depression. The polarity of that where I'm running back and forth between those two energies. That's where that is to be present in that is to not worry about the future or

regret the past. I'm right here right now. I'm here with Emily, that's why we have a good time. Exactly. Do you know this is exactly. I've got my yoga pants on still. Listen, the thing is is that we, when you are present, the stuff that you're worrying about in the future and the stuff in the past cannot exist in presents. So do you think that's why you like doing a stand-up, right? And when you're probably feel great when you're doing a podcast. That's the only time I am fully present and you're a vessel is when it's coming through you. When I'm, when I'm a live audience, no net, I'm in-proven and it's just coming through me. I'm not there. It's just whatever needs to come through me will come through me and you're a vessel to somebody else. And I have, most comics can

have that spidey sense where they can read a room. You know, you can get more energy in the room. You get it when you're talking to a guy. You're like, this is going nowhere. You know, you know exactly. These are the best. Yeah, he got to go. Sorry, Adam. Thanks for being here. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, goes off and you're done with your show and then you're with your family or something happens. And then you feel, how's it going at home? It's home is great because my wife understands my wife is best move ever made in my world in this tie world's marriage. This is she's I rang the bell and anyone listening, you're going to Google her and you're going to think to yourself, this guy's batting over

his head. You're absolutely right. So she understands me and she becomes the barometer of my self, I need to self correct if she's not happy because I've done something. My job is to make her life better because I live in better, I live better in service of life, I'm better in service of the queen. You know, okay, how do I make this life better? This is my job.

So if I scream in yell, which is old behavior that she's not used to, I'm like, that doesn't, this no longer serves me, I gotta fix this, I gotta put that down. So that makes me happy knowing that making her happy makes me happy. And again, it's external fulfillment. But if I go down with a sword, my hand fighting for the queen. So that's funny. Adam, that's good. So you feel like you, so when you go back into the screaming and yelling, that's stuff with therapy, you kind of don't do that as much anymore. I try not to get to say it's more coming from response, response, because I grew up reacting.

At times, are emotional people. And then they're loud emotional people. And it's not really happy. Nobody lives at the end of the opera Emily, you know, everyone's dying. So this is the culture we grew up in. So it learning the difference between reacting and responding and where those two impulses belong, reacting belongs on stage because that's when you're not thinking, you're totally present and you're reacting to the moment. Acting is reacting. So when I'm working, that's when I turn that switch on,

open that door and I can be, just be there. When I'm home, I got to respond from choice and the choice is to be a better person in a relationship with somebody else, not just by myself. You know, it's not about me when I come home. It's about this family that I got to take care of. And I've taken on that energy as, you know, being the man at house. It's not the discount you ladies,

you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I think you're underpaid and I think any decisions regarding your body should be made by you. But let's be clear. This isn't about you right now. It's about me. So someone better help me right now. Everything is I don't tell me what? My control issues. I really got to address my control issues because there's no fucking control. I didn't know control. Yeah, right now you're just like, okay, I guess this is going to happen whether I want

it to or not, how am I going to deal with it and let's deal with this right now. So what helped me was the blame. Look, I can blame myself for a lot of shit. I'm co-dependent in Catholics. So I'm double fucked, but there's no way I'm responsible for this. So I can let myself walk the hook for this. Yeah, you're right. You're so right. So you've been married for how long? Oh, God, let me say we lived together for so long. So I say we've been together since like 2006, maybe 2000. Okay. Three, you three say it around and it's a long time. Yeah, so we've been together long enough to know

that we're the ones, whatever comes up, we're gonna fight to get through it. So that's why I, I'm very lucky in that sense that this is something not only I wanna fight for, but I wanna keep making better. Well, Adam, did you guys ever go to therapy together or? We didn't want to.

We all decided it's my fault. So, we did. Now, we did look. Look, his is the thing that works for us, Emily, is I know her crazy. She knows my crazy a lot better, and I know her crazy, and I know our, the way our,

we function as a unit, but like I know, if I gotta go to the airport, I gotta tell her it's a half hour before, and then I know she might make it on time, and if not, she's gonna have to pee before we leave. So I'll be right there is at least 15 minutes. So you just gotta learn how to communicate. I'll be right there.

That's 15 minutes, don't yell for another 15 minutes. Don't ask for another 15 minutes, and she's gonna pee. That's the reason that there's a little, a little set T right by the front door, because that's where I sit with the dog looking at it going. It's 15 minutes, don't be impatient. So she's got to know that, you know, so I know that about her, and she knows that when I can't do, I can only do one thing at a time because of my ADD, so I'm flying all over the place. So she knows if I'm on the phone talking to somebody, she can't ask me a question, she can't get my attention because I can't do it. I'll physical it.

Now short circuit. Exactly. So can we talk about that? Having a partner, having ADD and then having someone a partner who can sort of handle it, I'm the same way. I can't be distracted if phone calls come in the other day in the office, like Colin was playing good, great music, chill music that I like. And I was like, I can't read and have music because it takes me out of the, it's not easy. I mean, having a partner who supports you and got you like that. Just knows you're crazy. It's knows that she's going to need this. This will make her feel better.

I know this will be there for her to get, she's got to get the engine running in the morning. So I get up in the morning, I come up first, I make the coffee, I give her about an hour then I go back upstairs and now she's got her little Yeti travel mug. She likes, so I put her coffee in the travel mug. So it stays warm. I put it by the bed and I go do what I got to do. So when she wakes up, she's got a cup of coffee. She'll come down and say, good morning, she's already had a cup of coffee in her and her day's better. So her day's better, my day's better. Yeah. Adam, that's, that's great. So you just had those communication skills built in,

but you had to learn. I just had a lot of couples. No, I had to learn all that shit. You do have to learn it. Even without theory, but you guys are willing to work on it. I just feel like we hear so many couples calling who've been together 20 years,

and they still are having a lot of the same arguments they had early on. You just don't learn how to. Is it hard to get? I had to ask myself the question. I'm like, I was in a relationship a couple of reasons before that were at the same point, when I was younger, that didn't work out. But what really helped me with my wife was it was a difference between have to and want

to. You know, it was like, all the relationships are happy for my wife. I was like, I got to do this. I got to do this. I don't want to go and do this. This is like, no, I want to do this, I got to do this, I don't want to go and do this. This is like, no, I want to do this. I want to get rid of this because this is worth fighting for. This is what I want, I want to make this better.

So when you're coming from want to, you got a lot more energy about you. And when I realize that I'm working, my attitude is important. Is there anything that keeps coming up again and again? You're like, oh, this fight right now, it just kind of doesn't have the same change. I have no patients.

I have no Emily. I go from zero to homicide in three seconds. I have no patients. When I say, can you do this? Is it done yet? That's the next sentence. And it's not, I have unrealistic expectations of how things are supposed to work.

So that's what I got. I have to learn patients. It's like, I was on a car show for years. I like, I like to drive fast and do stupid shit and cause. So that's the big thing too. Yeah. Anytime you put an input into the car, let's say you want to slide a corner, you're going to pull the e brake, you're going to load up the suspension, which means you shift the weight of the car to one side of the car. You pull the emergency brake and then the back end comes out, but you have to allow the car time to respond to the input you put into it.

It's a dance. You become one with the car. It's two tons. You throw in two tons around. So, you know, that's big car, you know, big Cadillac. You throw in two tons around. So that's part of the way I've learned to have realistic expectations of feedback, because you have ADD like us.

We want immediate, oh, there it is. Oh, I got that hit. I got that hit of feedback because you have ADD like us. We want a media, oh, there it is. Oh, I got that hit, I got that hit of feedback right there. Now I can turn my attention to this way. If I don't get the feedback here, I'm turning my attention to get that feedback met. And that's part of ADD is you're looking for feedback. You're looking for the, so you just gotta ride it out.

It's what we're saying. Yeah, you're looking for like, the thing, the separation of the impulse and the feeling to your choice of acting on it is what? It's that moment that's sweet before you react. It's that moment in between that you have to What's happening before I how do you stop yourself from reacting and searching going to the next thing? Yeah? Oh Adam so helpful We've got to take a quick break

But we come back Adam shares how he deals with his negative thoughts. Is your brain constantly reminding you of all the mistakes you've made? Adam and I will tell you what to do about it after this quick word from our sponsors. So a lot of what we talk about in this show is how we handle our emotions, how do we learn to communicate with partners, and especially we're talking about we both have ADD and I'm always suggesting people eat therapy and meditation. But you're saying that you're in a good practice of meditation, not medication. That's right.

Start with medication. Yeah, ADD, and first of all, they give you speed. It's so based on fetamine, and it's expensive. The addoling was like 120 bucks for prescription, and I asked the doctor, I go, what is this? He goes, it's so based on Fedemy and it's expensive. The the the add only was like a hundred and twenty bucks for prescription and I asked the doctor I go what is this because it's in Fedemy I go I can go to poor authority get a bag of whites for thirty dollars So then you would take it yeah, no right not as effective but training our mind which is where a lot of the Destruction comes from is the things we think so you wake up and you, what, what kind of practices is it? You said you do. So I got off the pills, right? So I got off the pill. I got off the antidepressants and

everything because it just, it wasn't, it wasn't working. I wasn't feeling right. It wasn't being well too jangly. So I started a, a practice of just meditation to understand how to, because I figured I knew it was the mind because the thoughts just kept racing. So one book I read, so it's, it's a way of disciplining yourself not to react to the thoughts. You are not your thoughts. That's the first thing I had to learn. So then just as you separate and you get like a 30,000 foot view on your bullshit, you can sit in a place right now.

I can sit in a place where I can recognize the impulse of the thought and the thought triggers the emotion or the feeling and I can choose to act on it or not. So you're coming from a place from choice. I don't do it well all the time. I don't catch them all, but I'm more aware than I was before. So when you sit in a place when you could observe your thoughts, it puts you in a neutral setting. But you don't get there right away because the first time I was observing my thoughts was like this, I see you, you motherfucker. You're the one that's making me yell, screaming yell, but you identify with your thoughts means you act them out, you engage with them. If you can just see them and not judge them as I'm bad for having this feeling, I'm worthless because I haven't done this. Why am I, it's not right to feel that it's all judgment. It's all judgment.

I haven't done this. Why am I, it's not right to feel that it's all judgment. It's all judgment. Yeah, all that judgment triggers a story. Look, pain in life is mandatory. The suffering is optional. The suffering is the shit comes from the stories we tell ourselves because you don't get something done. And you can't find your keys. Emily's bad. And now you caught Matt loop. And then everyone and then Colin sitting there going, Ovi, pull her out of the hole. We got a show to do. You know, they do. We call the Ravana home.

I said, don't go down that rabbit hole. Pick it up. Happy rabbit hole. Yeah. I'm a Megan go get her. Well, the 30 second break. You know, so you've got the show to do. I can't find my keys.

But Adam, what I want to get specific here, your practice. Is it just a breath meditation? Is it a word? It started with right now. It's a breath meditation now because to eliminate the words, it started with a mantra, it started with this, but then just to eliminate the words and just to go into the space,

and to best make a space to cultivate a felt sense. All right, so I can feel cultivating a felt sense, and it's your gut. It's your gut. When you feel like you know when something something's right and when something's wrong. So if you cultivate that felt sense, that's a higher, it's pointing you to that kind of feedback with the world we live in. Rather than sight, sound, smell, all that other stuff, we're just rethink that those five

senses are identity and the thoughts that are connected to it, what we believe in. If you separate yourself from a belief system or any kind of system and just kind of sit and observe shit, then you can just be. You know, being comes from, there's no wanting, there's no fear and there's no, there's no fear and there's no desire. Fear and desire don't want to cause the stories of my head and make sure suffer.

I have to get that. If I don't get that, I'm a PC shit. How did I miss that? It's my fault, you know? And then if you look back, how could I let that happen? So you're never really present. You're never really being. So I started with a breath meditation. I started with a mantra and now I'm at a point where I still use the breath to just just to start the machine and just to sit there. And the best thing that I have found for 20 minutes is a great book called Natural Meditation by Dean Slider.

That's the book that really clarified everything. Okay. Yeah. I had a podcast as well. But if you're gonna start it, all you gotta do is say, I'm gonna sit in this, all I'm responsible for is to put my ass on this seat

for five minutes, three minutes. That's it. That's all you were responding. You start with that. Even if you do it for a minute, yeah. No, it's true, and I've been meditate, it's funny. It's like working out, but I, you know, you're in a role with it, you's true. And I've been meditating, it's funny. It's like working out, but I, you know, you're in a role with it, you're great.

And I've been probably first meditated 25, I think it's 25 years ago, and then I go in and out. But mostly I do it every morning, but I, when I don't do it, I notice that it's, you know, I'm off. But I think you're so right where you're saying about your gut. Trusting our gut, we have all the answers. So by meditating, you're just more aware. You don't have the same reaction.

So it helps your anxiety, though, too. You're saying I do not think I'm anxiety because I'm less anxious because I don't feel like I need to control the outcome of the future. And if something happens, it wasn't my fault. And if something happens, I'm cultivating my trust and my ability to overcome. So you're moving myself out of a fear-based identity and reality like, oh my God, what if? Fuck what if?

You know what if? What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle. It doesn't matter. You know, you're putting yourself in a position where you're gonna just drive yourself crazy. You know, so it's having, my wife says, I'm cultivating trust and Italians don't really trust

too well, you know. We're born going, yeah, I'm notating trust and Italians don't really trust too well. We're born going, yeah, I'm not. It's like the DNA thing. She wanted me to do a 23 and me. I said, I'm not giving up evidence without a court order. I'm not trust anybody. So that's what it is. It's coming up with that felt sense that, okay, this is my fault and I'll be able to overcome

what's thrown my way. That is it. It is really the best tool, especially right now when a lot of us are feeling even more anxious. Some people out and believe that are not are having anxiety for the first time. Oh, welcome. That's what I feel like. I'm like, welcome to the party.

How's that going for you? And it's like someone who's been, you know, had it had it my entire life, which they never used to call it anxiety. What did they call it? 20? I just or a DD. Call it calm the entire life, which they never used to call it anxiety. What did they call it? 20, I just, or a DD, it's just. Call a comma, fuck down. I remember I was talking to my shrink. It happened to me in a fifth grade.

And I remember that summer, that summer when anxiety, I didn't know what it was, but I knew I didn't feel right. I was in the fifth fucking grade, Emily. And it hasn't gone away. Exactly. What'd you feel in the fifth grade that made you anxious? Fifth grade, I did something. I got into a fight on the school bus on the fifth grade.

I wanted to last days of school. And this guy wasn't much of a fight, but I did the best I could. You know, this kid just kicked my, and everyone was laughing at me. And I was humiliated. So it was one of the last days of school where I felt humiliated.

And that humiliated feeling sat with me that whole summer. And I had anxiety about the first day of school where I felt humiliated. And that humiliated feeling sat with me that whole summer. And I had anxiety about the first day of school because I'm like, I'm going to go right back on that bus and have to go back into that fight again. And everyone's going to humiliate me. There was going to point, everyone's going to laugh. And that's when I realized, this is it. Why is this happening to me? So even at that moment, I realized that I could observe that thought because it was, it

was Abran. It was alien to me. I never felt it before, even though I was a kid. But I had a kid's mind where I'm like, this isn't right, this isn't. So I had that separation ability that I didn't know I had. And meditation and therapy helped me cultivate that. Wow. I'm still a fucking mess, but at least I know why.

Well, that's the thing, at least you understand it. That's what it does you guys. And everyone just thinks that therapy isn't worth it. You don't need therapy. I'm always pushing it here. I'm always trying to explain to people that it's, I don't know. Maybe people still think, well, it makes it easier. They're going to send me away. Yeah. There's a stigma. We think you're insane. Just gives you life tools. Yeah. They're not going to send you away. You're not crazy. Everyone's fucked up. You just don't know it. We are all fucking people who think they're not fucked up or the most fucked up. Those are the people that pick up an ax and wipe out the whole family one day. It's so true. And it helps your work and helps your comedy.

Do you feel like how do you feel, Adam? They're comedy's been during. Like are you flourishing? Or are you feeling like, I'm doing more, I'm doing more. And I'm trying to do more out of wanting to produce rather than holy shit I'm scared I got to do something. So I'm trying to come from a place of I had this opportunity as an opportunity to create. I've never been more fucking busy in my life. You know, I'm really busy doing shit, but I'm not going out on the road. I'm not leaving the house.

So the feeling I have to remind myself is you are working, you are producing, you are productive, but you're not, I'm used to getting on a plane every Thursday, flying in the radio Friday morning and do the morning news on Friday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, get on a plane and fly home. That's my works schedule. So that's how I know I'm doing something. I'm actively moving. So I had to, I had to remind myself that even though I'm not leaving the house, I am working.

I am producing. I am. And again, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing that, that I'm not leaving the house, I am working. I am producing. I am. And again, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing that that's yourself worth, that's your value. Adam, this is good. I feel like I'm getting a second therapy. See, we all need it, right? Even though I go this morning, Adam, this is great.

I got to ask you, Adam, for the five questions we ask all of our guests. Yes. Start five quickie questions. Bad. Biggest turn on. The way my wife's hair smells. The biggest turn off. The way my feet smell.

What makes good sex? Communication. I like it when there's a lot going on. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick. There't be a dick. This is there's two people in this relationship and it ain't just you. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It ain't dirty. It's only dirty if it's done correctly. I love it, Adam. Adam, that's real. Okay,

so tell me people can find you, they can come on your... I want to wish I could go to Adam. Adam, that's real. Okay, so tell me, people can find you, they can come on your, I want to wish I could go to St. Louis if it wasn't so cold and there wasn't a New Year's Eve. I would go, I'd be fine to see you. You would be a good time on New Year's Eve. I do like a collective event. So yeah, it's at the helium and St. Louis for New Year's Eve. My podcast is wherever you get your podcast,

the Adam for our podcast, and my album's cold, it's scary in here and I want to thank Emily for having me on. They'll let me out. I love it. I love it. I have to come back on your podcast app. Please do. I would love it.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review, wherever you listen to the podcast. And share this with a friend or partner. Leave me if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then.

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