Sex With Emily - M is for Masturbation (Month)

Episode Date: May 4, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and getting into some self-pleasure talk because it’s May and you know what that means –  IT’S MASTURBATION MONTH! She talks with callers about how to better educate people about porn and where to find the good stuff, ways to bring up fantasies to a partner, what to do when you can’t seem to climax – even with the help of ED meds, and how to have that dreaded “define the relationship” talk. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, JO Stimulants, Promescent, Adam & Eve Follow Emily on social: @sexwithemily Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls, which is one of my favorite things, and I'm getting into some self-plasur talk because it's May. And you know what that means? It's Master�Mouth. Topics include how to better educate people of all ages about porn and how to find the good stuff, ways to bring up your fantasies to a partner, what to do when you can't seem to climax, even with the help of ED meds and how to have that dreaded define the relationship talk.

All this and more, thanks for listening. My car sacred institutions, Betrubized, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but all right? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel a sound. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Aveline's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Check out this show, our blogs.

We've got a lot going on this month because of Master Basia Month. And as always, I love when you subscribe and comment and iTunes. And I'm at sex with Emily across the board on all social media. If you're there, I'm there. We can connect. So happy masturbation month. Yes, it's a whole month, you guys.

I love me. It may be so fun because, yes, masturbation deserves a whole month. And you might be saying, well, I masturbate every day. Well, that's good for you. Because our goal this month is to get people to kind of focus on your masturbation deserves a whole month. And you might be saying, well, I masturbate every day. Well, that's good for you. Because our goal this month is to get people to kind of focus on your masturbation and switch it up, work on exploring your body.

We've got some great tips on the site. And you know, masturbation is all part of being healthy, sexually, not the wrong little masturbation. So it got me thinking about this because there's so much going on now with sex and with kids. It's really important that we teach more about pleasure when it comes to sex, especially to young people.

And that sex isn't just about, you know, fear-based education. When you think about sex, it's like you're going to get an STI. You're going to get pregnant. Oh my God, don't have sex. Only have sex when you're married. And the thing that we totally skip over is like, wow, there's actually some pleasure to be had. And here's some masturbation.

You know, it's okay if you touch yourself. It's okay. You know, it's totally fine to have these sensations in your bodies. And I think that kids are just, there's so much shame around it. And I think now with porn, what I'm experiencing from a lot of parents, friends with kids, young relatives, I have pretty much everybody. I feel like there's kind of been a tipping point in the last few months where it's like,

what do we do with the infiltration of porn right now that kids at age eight or nine or now seeing pornographic images for the first time? That's the first time they're experiencing sex. And then they don't talk about it to anybody. Parents are expecting the school state care of it and then they go into school and they're like, don't talk about it to anybody. Parents are expecting the school state care of it and then they go into school and they're like, don't get someone pregnant.

This is a philopeum tube and you better work on them. And then they're like, well, what happens to my penis when it's, you know, if I have this kind of wet dream and girls are like, I don't really know what happens when I orgasm or how do I please myself or maybe they were shamed, you know, what happens, you know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, like that there, there's so many women who really don't have a great understanding of their bodies. And especially at a young age,

some they just takes one thing to happen. Like, maybe we're inappropriately touching ourselves at the kitchen table or our relatives come over. And a parent says, oh, no, honey, that's dirty. Go into the bedroom or that don't ever do that again. Or you'll go blind and we go, get all these messages around touching ourselves and our bodies that are just wrong. So we should think about, if you have kids, are you your aunt or your uncle

or those kids in your lives, I really think that it's important. If you can be a really good source, obviously talk to the parents first, but kids are asking questions these days, and even more so, I feel that we have to be on hand to support our youth. We actually have a blog on the website, Why MasterBation should be taught in sex ed. I'm bringing this up because there's definitely some controversy around this.

I understand it. I remember when Bill Clinton appointed Dr. Joyce and Elders to the surgeon general. Her first thing was like, we need to teach pleasure in schools and people freaked out and she had to step down. And that was a long time ago. And that was before we could all get porn on our smartphone.

So I think more than ever, I get it. I get what she was saying. And I think that, hey, there's other parts of the world. Like in France, okay, this is for my French listeners. I need you to find this. They begin using a 3D printed model of the clitoris to teach children not just about the intimate body,

but how to get pleasure as well, which makes total sense. I want one of these 3D clitorises. Norway, they also for a long time, you guys, you know from Norway, like they are taught about pleasure at a very young age. Young kids are taught, well, when you have sex, when you get older, yes, you should be safe,

you should use protection. But also, you know, pleasure, your body's important, it's important for you to experience pleasure. They say this to girls, they say to young girls, and to young boys. So the reason why I think it's kind of at a tipping point now is because I think that there's so much porn and there's so much miseducation.

So check out the blog, you guys, let me know what you think about it, and how we should deal with educating our youth here today. And happy masturbation, keep masturbating. Keep talking about it. We all do it. We all masturbate, especially this month.

So let's have some fun. And now we're on to your calls, which is my favorite thing ever. If you want to be called, you can go to my website and click on the Ask Emily tab, mark on the form that you'd like to be called It's that easy and I can't wait to hear from you We have Lee. He's 60 from Indiana and he's saying that his ED meds help but still has difficulty reaching orgasm Hi Lee Hi, Emily. Thanks for taking the call of course. Thanks for calling. So tell me tell me some background here. What's been going on?

Okay, so I'm 60 years old, great physical condition for my advanced age and have a wife who's very willing and sexually active as well. But my problem is I've started to have some ED issues. And when I take Viagra, it just seems to have an impact on me and I have difficulty achieving more data. The problem then becomes, I'm able to continue, but I am so concerned that my lovely wife

is just putting up with it until I can finish. And then, you know, you get into your head and then the whole thing just becomes more of a, I'm afraid it's more of a chore and less pleasant for her. Yeah, I get it. What does she say? Oh, she's a trooper, you know, and she's always, she's always willing to help. And will it sometimes we'll finish with masturbation. And that's fine, but it's just not the thing. I

get it. I get it. And how long does it take when you're taking the Viagra for you to have an orgasm? Or ejaculation, right? To have orgasm with ejaculation. Yeah, I think probably, you know, 15, 20 minutes. Okay. Or something like that. Right. And in the past, it was, yeah, a lot. Yeah. In the past, it was less. I think the challenge is without the ED meds, then I'm constantly worried about whether I'm gonna lose it. No, I get it. It's like, you might as well just take the aggregate

as to make sure it's like, one less thing to worry about. Now, what about testosterone? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm using a testosterone supplement. Okay. What kind of supplement? Like, have you been to your doctor and got checked because there's some great testosterone medication and supplements have come a long way.

There's like bioidenticals for men, there's different creams and patches and you can get like the pellets, like these bioidentical pellets you can put in your back that dissolve. There's some great solutions right now. Have you been to your doctor lately? Yes, and I am using a bioidentical hormone cream. So yes, I've had the appropriate testing and kind of now we know that the testosterone levels are where they need to be, which is great and not so great because it's certainly accelerated my sex drive.

I see. But then you got the performance issue on the other side. You know this getting old stuff is not for me. I know. It's not fun. I'm telling you every year, right? There's something of another thing. I get it.

So I feel like I mean, there's some things with ED like was it the kind of thing like the ED was happening for a while and then it just sort of You know, and then you start taking background was it like right away you start taking background right when it happened because I'm No, so start started having some ED stuff Which led me through the test testosterone, which then wasn't still kind of holding out. It wasn't performing quite the way. It had a lot of other benefits, but didn't have the sexual experience that I was looking for. And that's when I started in with the ED drug. Okay. Do you mind taking Viagra if you didn't think that your wife was having a hard time

with it as well? Like, how do you feel about taking a pill when you have sex every time? No, I'm not crazy about it. You know, there are some weird sort of blood pressurey kind of things you can feel going on and I just don't like the fact that, you know, you're supposed to take the med and then wait half an hour to 45 minutes so it makes the whole thing rather programmed and not spontaneous. Now I understand. I think that's the issue for me, I think, is it just makes it feel like sex is now more of a chore than something that we can just spontaneously enjoy. Well, I wonder if there's a way that you guys could take the pressure off both of you and just kind of start to enjoy it again with foreplay and not just penetration because

I feel like if you took the pressure off, you're like, okay, the goal is not necessarily orgasm here because you have the sex drive, right? I mean, you guys have the attraction and the chemistry. So maybe it's more about like playing around and like, you're pleasing her and she's pleasing you and then you get soft again. You know, you please her. You watch TV, you go back to it, like maybe it becomes more of like this organic playful thing where you're not feeling like it has to be all about penetration because let's say she gets off right, she's an orgasm, you go down on her, use a toy, but then it comes back to you.

If you're masturbating, can you maintain interaction like if you guys do mutual masturbation, are you able to stay hard that way? It's just during intercourse that you have the ED. Yeah, typically yes. And I think that has to do with the, you know, I'm not worried about your orgasm. I don't know. It's other than, yeah, I'm not worried about her at that point. She's there. She's a partner, but I'm not just kind of torturing the poor woman. Right. See, I feel like there's a lot of pressure. So what I'm saying is I just want you to take

the pressure off both of you, because it sounds like if she gets off and she's happy, you'll be satisfied and you know that you can get there as well. So maybe you can play around with like not using the Viagree time and then you're just sort of maybe there's some mutual masturbation where you know she's getting off and like I'm saying, and then she comes back to you and then maybe she finishes you with masturbation and you can kind of see that you actually can get hard again without the pills. Because I feel like it can become, you can become reliant on it.

And so if you realize that you can actually have enjoyment without just like the standard having sex for, you know, the intercourse, your pounding weight, her, and you feel like she's just, because either way, even if she tells you she's in it and you that she's a trooper, you don't want to be having sex with your wife like she's a trooper. And you already have that in your head. Because a lot of this isn't our heads. Like so much of our sexual challenges are because of anxiety, because of worry, because of what happened last time, and we think it's going to happen the next time, right?

And then people have like a lifetime of these things. So I'm saying if you guys could just both talk about it together and say, don't even worry about, you know, let's not worry about it if I'm hard or not. Like let's just engage in foreplay, like kissing, take a bath together, play with some toys, some fantasy play, like just things that you haven't done before. And then go back to like, you know, making sure she's pleased and then go back to like pleasing yourself during masturbation. She can do it with her hand, her mouth, and kind of like take a break from that for a while because I feel like no matter what, it's not going to feel great to you right now, taking a biagravity time.

Well, I appreciate that. Thank you, it's not gonna feel great to you right now, taking Viagra every time. Well, I appreciate that. Thank you. That's good advice. Have you heard this before? Have you heard of guys having delay with Viagra? Yes, absolutely. I mean, that is a thing with Viagra.

So what I would also say is if you're okay, yeah, this is the thing. It's like people who take antidepressants like I'm no longer depressed, but I can't get turned on during sex. So Viagra, like you stay really hard long but it takes a long time to orgasm. So, Fagger, like, you stay really hard long, but it takes a long time to orgasm. It's kind of like, you know, there's always side effects.

So, I have heard this, and I also think a lot of it, again, it's what has happened in the past, and that I think that like, I have a book, I'm just looking at it here across the room. It's called Hot Sex, over 200 things you could try tonight. And my point is that if you get something like that, or you can buy like a sex game, like my, there's different suggestions that you guys can have

that you would open it to a page and say, let's try this position, let's tease each other tonight. Because a lot of it is not just about in and out penetration, it's about other things you can do for intimacy. So you guys could do central massage together, you could tease each other, there's just a lot of other things

with sex that's not just penetration. And I think that once you guys start enjoying other things and you kind of grow what sex means to you, not just intercourse, that you can come back to intercourse and you probably won't have as much of a challenge around it. You'll realize, you'll get that confidence back that, oh, we can actually enjoy this. You're not feeling like she's getting bummed out at you. I would just try to mix up the way you think about sex and try some new fun things together. Thanks, I'll follow your advice I like that. Thank you. You're so welcomely Good luck to you. Let me know what happens

Please you got this. Okay. Bye. Bye Lee. Thanks. You guys this is the thing I think a lot of our challenges around sex does arise in our bind We think something happened before we've never had an orgasm in certain position or we can't get hard without medication And it's you know and it changes over time as we get older We've different bodily functions and I just think the bottom line with sex is that even if you're just you're falling into routine There's challenges just try to mix it up. I mentioned my book There's also games out there you can play go shopping at a sex toy store And it time you bring something new into the, then you guys can focus on this new novelty.

Something fun to play with, something that changes up your routine, and then you realize going into it, wow, there's something new to focus on, we're not going to obsess about whatever challenge we're having. And you realize when you circle back to it, that it won't be as much of a problem anymore. Okay, we have Lisa. She's 32 from Scranton, Pennsylvania, and she wants to have the define the relationship talk, but doesn't want to come off as clingy. I hear you, Lisa.

What's going on? It's never easy. Hi, Emily. Hi. Hi. So, basically, I've been dating this guy for a little over three months now, and I haven't been in a committed relationship for the past five years. I've been dating, and this is really the first time that I'm starting to feel that it's

to be a little something more. I haven't felt that in so long. We're both really independent people, and I'm so used to just kind of calling the shock I guess, that the fact that he's not bringing it up and I kind of want to bring you up but I don't want to sound like Needy or Klingy. I'm just not really sure how to do that without going that way. No, I get it, I get it, I've been there too.

I understand being that girl here like, wait a minute, I'm the independent girl, why isn't this guy doing it? I love it, he's challenging you. So this is good. But also, I think that yeah, I get it, you're cool, you're busy, you don't wanna bring it up, you don't wanna see me be vulnerable, that's all a challenge.

The thing is, you realize what you need right now and what you want, you've been with them for two months, so you think you do, right? And you just wanna have a conversation, you just wanna, have you guys had any conversations? Have you said anything like, hey, this has been fun or let's see each other for a week? Okay, so you've said a little bit of that,

and you know that he's into it. Yeah, yeah, I don't think he's dating anyone. I'll also talk to him to anyone, but I guess I just mean that confirmation by I'm afraid to bring it off. I know, I get it, and there's nothing wrong. Okay, here's the thing, you're taking care of yourself right now.

So I think that the longer you don't bring it up, you know, it'll just wreak havoc. You'll start to like resent him. So I say, you know, you can come out very strong and not clingy with this and just say, babe, this has been, I'm enjoying this two months. I just think it's time we have that talk. I know it's silly, but we've been dating for two months.

I'm just curious, like, where do you see this going? I'm really enjoying it. And like just not making it like the talk, even though in your head you're like shaking and you're like, oh my God, it's a serious thing. Like I always say do it in a casual environment when you guys are like hanging out and having brunch, going for a hike or whatever it is

when you guys are the most chill and you should be like, wow, it's been almost two months. This has been fun. So like let's talk about it. I mean, I think we're both having a good time. Are you, let's talk about it. Are seeing someone else, I'm not seeing anyone else. What about you?

Or are you seeing anyone else? Or what are you looking for now? This is the time when we got to talk about it. Because then you're opening it up. You're not saying, if I don't see with anyone else, I'm not see if you're going to have anyone else. Let's get married till death do us part. But I get that that's how it feels to you.

But there's a way we're doing to make it and you're not seeing that way. So can you do think you can do that and just be like, hey, let's check in. After two months, I think that's how it feels to you. But there's a way to make it do not seem that way. So can you do think you can do that and just be like, hey, let's check in. Like after two months, I think that's, you're feeling that you need to do it now. So it doesn't even matter. Like if it was a week, I'd say, okay, I get it.

But two months is legit. That's like, well, yeah, it's actually three months. Oh, okay, dude, three months. Yeah, sweetie, and I get that it makes you really vulnerable. But I think this will be good for you. Because I think like, what if he says to you, you know what, I actually, I'm dating a few people now, I'm not sure about you, you know,

then you know, you have more information and then you can talk about that. But for all you know, he's feeling the same way you are. And so you just, you gotta gather more information because it's just, you don't need more time to go on, playing at cool waiting for him to bring it up. So I think there's no time like the present. Yeah, I always hear that, oh well, if a guy wanted it, he would have brought it up by now.

Like that's what I, I think. Yeah, those messages aren't necessarily true because he might be thinking the same thing. Girls always bring it up. So actually that's not true. I think I've heard the opposite. And neither one are true. So I think that he's probably might be waiting for you, but we won't know until you bring it up and you be the strong and he'll probably be really relieved. Because

believe me, in this day and age, if it's been three months and you both met on Tinder, like either he's thinking, here's two, here's two scenarios. He's either like hoping you didn't have to be, not to put you in this place, but he's hoping you don't ask because he's actually dating a bunch of people. Or he's relieved that you did ask because he wants some clarification as well. And either way, you're getting your answer. And you're getting clarity.

Yeah. Life's too short to stay in this undefined place. You know, it was good for a while. And that was not. Now you need some more information. And so you can do it in a calm way where you come off as cool Lisa who knows what she wants.

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah knows what she wants. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. It feels good. Okay. You got this. It's a skill. It's this communication thing, but you just you practice. You'll feel good about it.

I promise. Okay. I will. Promise? Okay. Do it soon. I'm good. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Yeah. Really. Like you'll feel so much like ribbon abandoned off, but you'll feel so much better Mm-hmm, and be sure here's one more thing I want to say a lot of times You're so nervous. Have this conversation then he may like oh, it's cool. We it's cool, babe We don't need to find it yet like let's say he says that If you're like, okay, I don't want to talk anymore. I already brought up

I would say that this is when you got to keep talking. It's okay to ask for clarification It's okay to say you know what I heard you just say because a lot of times these conversations happen and we hear something completely different. So I'm gonna give you this other tip. Say, okay, so you're saying, I'm just gonna make this up, you're saying that you're actually not dating when else, anyone else on Tinder right now or wherever, and you'd like to just be exclusive. Is that what I'm hearing you say?

Like repeat back what you hear. So you make sure you're both on the same page, because there's a lot of couples who think they've had a conversation and they both hear something different. Yeah, that's a good advice. Okay, the rest is up to you. You got it.

You got this. Trust yourself. Thank you so much. You're so welcome, Lisa. Have fun with this. Thank you. Have a great night. Bye.

I love the Define the Relationship question. I don't think there's any rules that he or she or she should bring it up first. I think it's when you feel that you need some more information to make you feel good in the relationship that it's time to have that conversation. And I think it's also important to remember here that you need to clarify it and you need to have the conversation

perhaps more than once. I think that was the end. We're just so relieved that we had the talk and we keep going. But I think the clarification part and to have the strength to know that asking for what you want and relaying what you want is actually coming from a place of strength and not a place of weakness. Those were some great questions, and when we come back, I'll be answering more, so thanks

for supporting our sponsors, I'll be right back. Alright, we have Bree. She's 28 from Brooklyn and she wants to know how to better educate our youth about porn. What a good question, Bree. What are we going to do about it? How are you? Hi, I'm good. Good to touch you, Dr. Emily. Thank you. really think you have course tell me what's going on yeah so i have had experiences with the men who have been really into porn and i'm not into it because i recognize that

the way it's affected the relationship is the sex is very friction based not exciting it's not personable it's like they're mimicking what they've seen and i feel that that is something that affects people when they watch it it's like one you do exactly you're right so okay so so yeah so you and you see this direct correlation with the men that you've dated that are watching. A lot of porn are just porn at all. Like, are you just frustrated with men in general right now

or around porn? I understand. I found, yeah, I think it's more the culture. I think it's the porn culture or the culture of people just being so involved in watching it. Right. And it's like the importance of, in contrast, human connection is very accurately. Exactly.

Well, that's where, yeah, I mean, so, so, really the question you're just asking, like, what do we do about? Yeah, I'm concerned about porn because I feel like for so many young people, that is the first thing they ever see, right? The first sex education they have, education in quotes, is watching porn. And that's how they expect sex is going to be. And technically, we all know that porn is a visual medium

that is just made for pleasure. It's not made to be instructional, educational, or tutorial at all. And how you get that message out to the youth of our work, I'm doing the best I can here. I think that there's a lot of parents and educators who really feel the same way. Because I have a problem with porn.

I think that it can serve a purpose, it can be very, give you some good ideas, it can inspire you, turn you on. But when you're using it as a roadmap for how you actually should be having sex, that's when you some good ideas. It can kind of inspire you, turn you on. But when you're using it as a roadmap or how you actually should be having sex, that's when you have a problem. And also, the more you watch it, the more you keep escalating what you have to watch

to get more of a hit, to more get more of an impact. And so, you're right, it is about connection. It's about using your mind and your brain's fantasy, you know, creating your own sort of images in your mind. But when you're actually having sex with someone to make that eye contact, to breathe together, to connect. And I think that it's just another thing that's keeping us apart from each other.

But I also recommend that people are to born like, I love, I did a show with Erica Lust a few weeks ago, or make me a month ago now, who she does ethically produced porn. It's like, the female gaze, that from the male gaze. I think her porn is really beautifully shot and enticing and erotic. But I think everything moderation with porn is best,

but I think that for guys, it's literally can be an addiction that they have to wean themselves off of it, but it's totally possible. I know men who have made it a practice are like, okay, I'm going to maybe start with porn and not end with porn or what it's gonna do with three times a week, but three times a okay, I'm going to maybe start with porn and not end with porn or I'm just going to do it three times a week, but you know, three times a week, I won't use porn, so to that answer your question, I'm just, I don't know how else would I. Yeah, yeah.

So. Yeah, I hear that, I hear that. And I, you know, I think that there's definitely a place in the tantra world to explore intimacy in any way their games like I'm actually in the process of developing a game That's a card game that's designed for people who are in relationships or There's you know questions on the cards and playful prompts that are intimate and sexual. I love that invite this interaction, you know? Yeah.

And so I think that that's something that will help. I think so too. I love that I love that you're doing a game. I think anything that can take couples like the tantric sex is such a great practice and I wish there was like another word for it because it freaks people out but you're right. It's breath, it's connection. I love that you're doing a game because they're like, hey, let's play this game.

We don't have to talk about it, but this game will prompt us what to do. I mean, the more tools that couples have, people have to kind of learn about sex and a healthy way, the better. And I'm definitely like working on my own stuff here because I really am sort of obsessed with the sex education right now

and how we can help youth kind of get away from it. It makes me sad, you know, that that's, that women feel they have to act a certain way in the bedroom and guys are confused by, you know, when they're not acting that way and they're just feeling pressure and it just seems like it's taking all the phone out of sex. So keep doing it, Brandon. That's great that you're even talking about this. Thank you. Yeah. That's what I think, Brie, let me know when your game comes out. I'd love to see it. I'd love to help you with it. Send it along to us. Yeah. Keep talking about it. I will. Thank you. You're so welcome. And then the guys that you're with also let them know too that there's other options, you know. So I wouldn't just give up on them all together,

but they need to be more people talking about this. So, keep fighting it. Yeah, let's keep the conversation going. I agree. I agree. You're inspiring me. I should have another podcast about it too. I love it. Thank you, Bri.

Have a great day. Okay, Will, I will. Thank you very much. Bye. Now, I've been talking about this. I've been doing my show for 13 years now. And I feel like that's probably about the time that porn started becoming more readily available on phones or you know online

So and I but I actually feel in the last year there's been an even more heightened Awareness around porn and we just can't escape the impact that it's having on Everybody it's not even youth which concerns me because it's the first like view they have of sex But I feel like even men and women, but I hear it from men more who have been masturbating to porn, they just have to keep raising the bar and seeing things that are more and more sensational and things that they can't possibly recreate

in real life with an actual human. And so it is scary me a little bit. It's scary me that for a lot of people, they think it's just easier to sit home and watch porn and roll over and fall asleep than having to actually meet a human and connect with them and learn how to navigate a new body and to feel pleasure and to ask what we want.

And so I have to say, you guys, I'd love to hear from you. What do I don't know? What you think we should do about it. I would love to like go around the world and lecture and talk to you about this and create other forums for people communicating. But just know that you're not alone if you've been feeling this way. If you've children it's okay to talk to me about this and create other forums for people communicating. But just know that you're not alone if you've been feeling so way, if you've children it's okay to talk to them about sex and to answer their

questions about sex at the age that they are asking. If they're asking you at six years old, why does it you know, my brother, or penis and my wife, or vagina, then you answer them. Kids are seeing porn like eight years old, nine years old is the first instance of them seeing it. So, you know, you might think, oh no, that's never gonna happen to my kid, but I guarantee you there's someone at school or someone's parents, you know,

they've got their hands on their phone or computer and they've seen it. And these are the images in their head. And it's okay to talk about it. And in a relationship, you don't have to settle for it either. If you get mad at your partner, but there's a lot of women who are like, I don't understand why he ever watches porn.

And I'm telling you that men and women will watch porn in and out of your partner because I know there's a lot of women who are like I don't understand why he ever watches porn and I'm telling you that men and women will watch porn in and out of a relationship help the use of porn is fine in moderation but if it has become a problem it's okay to also talk about that and to you to seek help. So that's my thoughts on porn today. We have Scott, he's 24 from Pennsylvania and he wants his girlfriend to have sex with another man. Hey, Scott! Hey, how are you doing?

I'm so good. Now that I'm talking to you, tell me what's going on. We're talking about cuckolding here. About cuckolding? We call it cuckolding, right? In the sense that you'd like to see your partner have sex with someone else and watch with another man. Uh, correct. And it's not in that sense of like, I condone cheating or anything like that,

but I just been having like this weird, um, I guess fantasy, where I get turned on by her, like, I just imagined her being with someone else and I just think it's kind of it is weird to me. I get that it's weird to you but it's common. It's actually more common than you think and it's not necessarily that unhealthy either believe it or not.

Like I'm not going to tell you not to do it. So tell me tell me a little bit more. So you've been having this fantasy and yeah. I like anytime I work up the courage to try to tell her anything like that I feel like she would look at me with three heads or any you know she'll find it weird I mean that like when you just first say that loud like who wouldn't find it weird but you know we haven't I want to say an average sex life it's kind of hard because we are long distance right now,

just to the fact that she's doing her grad program for occupational therapy. I'm a firefighter, and so I work 24 all in 72 hours a month. You know, it's very tactic or casual. It sounds like it. How long have you been together? Five years. Okay.

And has it been long distance for five years? Yeah. And like before we settle down and even start thinking about it, I definitely do want to get all of our fantasy out of the way. That way, you know, or we could, you know, continue doing them, but I just would like to know, I guess, how to bring it up or, you know, if it is uncommon or common,

but there is still. Yeah, no, I think it's great. This is a great call because it's actually, it's called Cuckolding is what it's officially called and it's been around since the beginning, some people started having sex. That's like CUC, K-O-L, D-I-N-G. And so basically you're having a fantasy of seeing your partner

with another man. And so I'd watching, and that can be like, for a lot of couples, if they're both on board, it can be kind of a part of their healthy fantasy life, a healthy sex life. So the thing is though, you couldn't obviously do it unless she is on board. And so I understand that something you need to talk to about. And I know that also is, you're not even sure you're like, oh, is it weird? Is it awful? It's definitely

not like the most like common in the sense of, oh, I, you know, I want to spank you or something. But it's also not as like fringe and out there and weird as you think. So the first thing I have to ask you is in these five years that you've been together, have you guys talked about your sex life? We do talk about it. I guess not as much as you would think. Nobody talks about it. So I actually don't assume that you're talking about.

People don't talk about it nearly enough. I guess what I mean to say is let me rephrase that. Have you guys talked about she have you shared fantasies with each other not really and it's it's really complicated because I I feel like I have a way higher sex drive that she does and you know she she's just on to sex as much as I am where like if I had my way out to five times a week, and you know, she would do one or twice. Right.

How often do you guys see each other, though? We see each other probably for the past year, probably like maybe a week or a week and a half out of the month. So, seven, eight, nine days, maybe out of the month. Right. And so, I can understand, too, why you might be missing her a lot too. And you'd want to have more sex if you guys have never had been in place where it's a regular, you know, you're seeing each other every day.

Do you have any plans to be living in the same city soon where you would be able to kind of move it to the next level of the relationship? Yeah. So as soon as you finish with our grad program, you know, we're going to look together. Well know, we're gonna live together. Well, what we used to live together, like when we first started dating for the first two years, and then she had to move on with college and I got into the fire academy.

Right, so that's what happened. Okay. But I'm just curious, because a lot of times people on the ice ass because people in long-term relationships who don't have plans to ever live in the same city I get concerned, I'm just like, you gotta either figure it out or break up, I just ask because people in long-term relationships who don't have plans to ever live in the same city, I get concerned. I'm just like, you gotta either figure it out or break up

because if it's gonna be long, you know, long-distance forever, doesn't really make sense. So the first thing you can do is I think you don't lead with, I'd love to see a big sex with other men, but you do have to lead with, let's talk about our sex life. You know, let's talk about fantasies or what turned you on, like, do you fantasize, what do you fantasize about? Like, do you think that she masturbates you're not

together if you guys talked about any of that we have and it's a very it's it's always the same thing over it's a very brief discussion like she she's scared to say her fantasies or anything and I don't want it I don't feel like I push her into sex or anything like that you know I'm very casual with that person so I don't feel like I push her into sex or anything like that. I'm very casual with that person. Right. So it's a...

Well, most people feel uncomfortable. No, I get it, honey, because here's a thing. Most people don't talk about sex, and when they do, it's really awkward and uncomfortable. So we're not taught how to talk about sex. So I totally get that it's awkward, and that you're not like a bet. You're not like pushing her. You sound like a really nice guy.

You have this fantasy that you want to share with the woman that you love. And so I think that, I think that you probably have asked her what turned her on and she's like, oh, I don't know. We don't need to talk about this now in the conversations over.

So I think that to get comfortable with this, you got to build up to this, you say babe, I think about you, when we're not together, I fantasize and I want to know that I want to get closer sexually. I want to know what kind say babe, I think about you, when we're not together, I fantasize and I want to know, like I want to get closer to sexually, I want to know what kind of things that you think about. And now maybe she doesn't think about anything or she doesn't have fantasies that she wants. Right. Well, there's a lot of women who don't have fantasies and they actually don't even think

about sex. So I think that there's some groundwork to lay here. And so maybe you guys could do some, do you redo any FaceTime calls when you're not together? Yeah, well, we do. Like, for like a couple of times a week, but we're always, we're always texting, always on the phone. You know, we're always sharing each other's lives. Right. So like about how your day would, I think it'd be great to have like a call where you guys are like, you know, would you maybe even give a date? You're like, let's have like a

fan, like a FaceTime date. We're both like eating dinner and we're talking. You could just say, I want to like, you know, you're the woman I want You're like, let's have like a fan, like a FaceTime date. We're both like eating dinner and we're talking. And you could just say, I want to like, you know, you're the woman I want to be with. And I want to talk about our sex life. I think I want to know, you know, what kind of things turn you on. If you masturbate and I've been thinking about some things too.

And so I feel like you wouldn't lead with this, but you might tell her some things that you think about her, you know, that you think about her body when you're not with her. You think about having oral sex with her. Again, this is, this is one that she might be like, what? Because she's never heard of it, doesn't understand it. But I feel like there's just some communication work that you have to do here with her. And when you guys are together having sex, is it good?

It's satisfying the she of orgasms. Are you? She does have orgasms. But the thing is, sometimes I'll be going down on her and, you know, she literally, she's almost to the point that she'll get there. And then she'll like, push me away. And I'm like, you know, like to the point where she doesn't climax and I'm a little like, maybe I kept on going or I shouldn't, but like that, you know, after five years, I would know by now. I want to say 80% of the time she's always as soon as she gets there, she pushes me away. Okay, what about during her course to shape her Ariasans? Not as much as she'd like. We do bring sex toys to the bedroom, but she's not one of those girls.

How old is she? She's 24. So I think that I love that you're thinking about this right now, because I think she needs some self-pleasure or some masturbation. I'm going to bring out this book again that I've been lately I'd forgotten about, but it's such a good book. It's called Sex for One. It's by Betty Dotson. It's a great book for women to read. If they have any shame or anything just about self love and masturbation it makes them feel guilty. I think that it's really important for her to get in touch with her own body, her own sexuality. Like I would recommend that she's into porn. I love Erica Lust makes really great porn that she could watch. It would turn around so she could start to be feeding some fantasies because I feel like she's not where you're at.

It's actually that the fact that she's pushing you away during sex and that she's not really sure how to say just means that she hasn't had as much experience. And there's very common for women in the early 20s to just not be as open sexually. And so it's like there's so some work to do and you can gently encourage her on her part how much you want her to see experience pleasure. Don't pathologize it. Don't make her wrong. Don't you need to do this. You need to do that. Just say, babe, I really want you to have pleasure during sex and you could even tell her to listen to the podcast

together next time she comes in town or, but there is some work that she has to do on her own to feel comfortable or to know body and to become more sexual and more confident. And so I think if you can start talking about that and powering her on giving her tools and understanding that masturbation is part of a healthy sex life, then you can work up to like, I think it'd be really hot to see you have sex with another man and to watch. But I don't think that she's there yet from what you're telling me.

Yeah, definitely not. And that's what might be really concerned about. And if we do ever reach that point, definitely recommend no friends, no anything like that. Right, everything, okay, right. So no friends, just like, you know, it also like explained her that like, it's really just about having her experience

so much pleasure that you just think that would be so hot to see her having sex with someone else. Like, it's your fantasy. It's like that it would be hot. And yeah, no friends. She'd have to be 100% on board. You have to find someone that you both want to be with

and it's about her pleasure, but she's not even there yet to be able to understand what you're talking about. But I don't think you have to let it go yet, but this fantasy ever, but you need to work with her and see if she's willing to kind of start exploring her own sexuality, especially because you guys aren't together all the time. So she's got plenty of time to do some hands-on work.

I really appreciate it, because it's like one of the really awkward things where like I, you know, I would like dream about it. I know. When you watch, you know, porn and you see that kind of like role play and you're just like, wow, it's really hard. It's really hard. Right, I know I get it. It's really common porn and I'm like having these, these very just the kind of tell her but I don't want to like you know freak her out I mean you I know well that's the thing It's like I just think you got to start push

I think you got to be brave and push the sex talk like like I love you babe and having a healthy sex life It's so important to me and I feel like we have to make some inroads. It's been five years It's so important to me that we start talking about what turns us on if you don't know what turned you on yet And what feels good, I want to work with you on getting there either alone or together. We could do mutual masturbation. We could watch porn together that we both find a hot. Like tell her that it's together you want to work on it or encourage her on her own.

And then you'll get there quicker. But you don't let this slide because it's been five years already. So now is it you've nothing wrong with you bringing up that you want to have really healthy sex and communication on it. That's great. So start there and don't put yourself off your fantasy because if you do that you lay the groundwork, you know, you'll be able to talk to about it. And you'll call me back when you guys get there. Awesome. All right. Last question. I'm so I'm bugging you so much.

No, it's okay. I can hear for you. No, I'm so good. So how do I push the next level as far as just, you know, instead of toys or anything like that? How can I slice it up after five years, I guess, or, you know, bring something else to the table? Besides toys, I think what do you guys go shopping and like a sex toy store together and buy some, buy some, like, you you know a lot of women love dressing up she might feel great and some sexy like some sexy lingerie or role playing for words for women is really hot like talking dirty or reading a rotica like is she an intellectual maybe if you got some books of a rotica and you read to her well she took a bath and you

massaged her feet and you gave her champagne and fed her strawberries you know I don't know what kind of fantasy she is, but if she lets say she read 50 shades of gray and likes it, well then you know, if that turned around, maybe she wants to be blindfolded. You gotta have some information in these five years. And I would take whatever nugget you have, think back to the best, ask her, this is where you start.

Ready Scott? Say, babe, what was the most memorable time we've had sex? Ask her that. And when she tells you, it was that time we were on vacation and we almost got caught when the bell hop came in or something, then you know, maybe she wants to be caught. Maybe there's some danger. Maybe she likes vacation sex.

So, or you might even be able to focus on your own. She does, like, one occasion sex. Vacation sex? She does. Good. And it freaks me out sometimes, because like, because like this one time where we got a little a little Tifty like in New York City at a Chinese restaurant and she was like hey do you want talking to the actor and then I'm like

There we go. Yes, but Maybe I don't know Yeah, no, Scott, good, good. We're making such progress. So she's not so shy, isn't there all alone? She needs a few drinks, and she wants to get sex in the bathroom and get caught maybe. She thinks it's really hard to have spontaneous sex.

So maybe next time you guys are out, you want to grab her and have sex. I mean, it can't be illegal to have sex outdoors, but maybe you have a picnic somewhere isolated. you want to grab her and have sex. I mean, I mean, it can't be illegal to have sex outdoors, but you know, maybe you have a picnic somewhere isolated and you have sex or go on a road trip, or get out, tell her room next time she's in town because getting out, tell her room, just switching up the environment, next time she comes to visit, and like planning some things, you know, start asking questions and listening to the answers that build from there. Awesome. Okay, so this is good, Scott. We made progress.

But don't back off of this. I think this is good. We made some progress. Yes. Yes, she's fun. She wants to say something about through. I appreciate Emily. Yeah.

You're literally awesome. I'm looking to you. Like anytime you put on new episode. Thank you, Scott. I appreciate it. I'm here for you. You got to keep me posted on this one, because you're going to get further on this.

It's a project, but it'll be fun. It's a really important work. it. I'm here for you. You've got to keep me posted on this one because you're going to get further on this. It's a project, but it'll be fun. It's a really important work. Okay. No problem. Definitely. We'll get it next week. Okay.

Yay. Let me know how it. Exersely. Let me know how it goes. Sense an email. Okay. All right. All right.

That great night. Thanks. Bye. Okay, guys. As you can see, that communication is a lubrication. You guys just got to You guys gotta just keep talking to your partner about sex and don't let them get away with the, I don't know, I even thought about it. I mean, if you've been with someone while invest in getting to the bottom of your sex life, figuring out what turned you about on might take a while, but you guys, it's like I always

say it's the most important work you can do. And this is fun. Maybe you find some erotica you like to reading together or You like, you know, role-playing or dressing up. A lot of us don't know what our fantasies are because we don't even know what's on the menu. So the more options, talk about the more you explore together, the more you get drunk and have sex in a bathroom. I don't know, figure out what turns each other on.

The better sex you're gonna have. That's just the truth, people. So have that talk right now. Today, two nights, do it. Hey everyone, thanks for listening to this show. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, Jenny, our volunteer Sarah, producer, Locke, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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