Sex With Emily - Make Your Libido Great Again

Episode Date: November 9, 2016

Sexual desire: it isn’t the simplest code to crack, nor the easiest engine to rev. But if there were a way to make it a mainstay in the bedroom, it would surely have our vote! On today’s show, Emily is tackling the common problem of decreased sexual desire with the help of Dr. Leah Millheiser, OBGYN and Chief Scientific Officer for the makers of the groundbreaking female arouser, Fiera. Together they discuss the causes and effects of low libido in women and share what you can do to get your groove back for good.   Also, how do you keep a relationship hot when your partner is more sexually experienced? Where have all the good guys gone? And how do you make the upgrade from rebound girl to girlfriend? Emily has your answers and more in this podcast, so don’t miss it! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I cannot tell you how many emails I get from women who want to increase their libido. Well, today we're talking to an expert who has some solutions so as challenging arousal issues. Also, answers to your questions. How do you find a good guy who knows how to please a woman? Tips for keeping a relationship hot and how do you go from a rebound hook up to something serious?

All this and more, thanks for listening. My friends at Joe recently asked me which of their products was my favorite. Obviously, that's really hard to say. They have so many options. I mean, am I supposed to pick the organic? I mean, I like that, the silicone, the flavored. So they're watching me struggle to pick just one, and then they interrupted and said, okay, Emily, if you could make your ideal loop, what would it be? Well, what a question.

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You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Or you can do so many things there. Go to the website. You can subscribe.

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OK, I've got some things going on this week that I need to talk to you about. OK, my first thing is, so I had a fun night last night. I went out with Mr. Skin. If you don't know Mr. Skin is, he's been on the show a few a lot, I guess, over the years, and he has a website called Mr. Skin.com. And he's like the guy who, like, seriously, he was like a kid and he, like, he has an encyclopedic memory for naked actresses. So he could save you. Oh, yeah yeah, minute 22, like Phoebe Kates, you know, boobs came out like that's always like the classic scene in Ridge or High. And he was sitting

it up. This is his story. He was sitting at a bar one time in Chicago, like kind of down on his lock and kind of feeling like he was like doing a job he didn't love. And he was hanging out with buddies. And they were like, he's like, yeah, dude, you should, it was all like on VHF. He's like, well, this scene and that scene. And there's like a producer sitting next to him for like a radio station. He's like, wow, like you know a lot of all this stuff. And he's like, that sounds like, can you come on this radio show?

So long story short, he wouldn't go on this radio show and that's like, becomes his life. And then this producer went to work for Howard Stern and Howard Stern loved it. So he's got this great site. If you're interested in any seriously any famous female celebrity, like famous for anything,

she's probably been naked and she's been naked. She's on Mr. Skin's site. Besides that, he's a any famous female celebrity, like famous for anything. She's probably been naked, and she's been naked. She's on Mr. Skin's site. Besides that, he's a very good friend. I've known him for years, friends with his wife, friends with Chicago, like Good Midwestern, so I love him. So he was in town last night, and he hosted a show on Showtime

that it's actually premiering, I think it premiered like last week, and it's called, so I'll go into the big, the world premiere it was called, X rated the greatest adult stars of all time. So I think it's airing on Showtime right now, you can check it out, but we were there. And it was fun because there was like tons of porn stars there. If you're into that sort of thing, I loved it. My friend Joanna Angel, who's been on the show with me a lot. She was one of the top female stars of all time. And so he, like, Mr. Skinnerated,

he was not a porn star in his past life that I know of. But it was interesting because you always heard about, like, John Holmes and his big penis, but you actually, like, wow, like, his penis was really freaking big, you know, like, you're like, how did it all the actresses? You stepped with them, came out, and so it was fun.

So anyway, I met this, you know, ex-rated, and I like porn, just like everyone else. In fact, one of my goals has been to try to watch more porn as part of all my like somatical work that I'm doing. It's like my swatch porn, my try these eight sex toys, which actually stresses me out, just like it might stress you out

because you've turned in like a report for work, you know, some kind of spreadsheets. Actually that to me seems harder than them. As it's almost as hard for me sometimes is getting through all my sex toys. But watching porn, so I watched it, I was like almost as hard for me sometimes, it's getting through all my sex toys. But watching porn, I watched it. I was like, oh, it was interesting, truly. Like, they had like Marilyn Chambers and behind the green door and like all

those classic films and like how all these women like, you know, have were groundbreaking in their own ways. And, and, and it was very interesting. Like, women are like, I went off script or I wasn't going to shave my bush or I was the first one with a tattoo, you know, and Eventually everyone had tattoos It was just it was there was some men and they had to throw in men I think so they wouldn't feel but you know this show like if I was the out of the show I'd be like not too many men because I think even men don't want to flip around and watch porn

They want to see like more of the women so it was it was cool. It was good to see who else is in this I feel like a lot of people that have been on the show were also, the porn starts at all time, Jessica Drake, who's making a lot of statements lately, political statements are in the last few weeks about Trump. She was another one who, he tried to grab her pussy. He did that successfully grab her pussy, but she was public about that. So yeah, it was fun just being reminiscing about porn. And it was mostly, it was fun afterwards, to be honest porn and it was mostly was fun afterwards to be honest

Because I got a sin drink with some good friends. We got a little buzzed and For me drunk. I didn't black out. I did not have blackout sex Which I shared recently. I really don't try not to make a habit of that and And our friend hernando who's been on the show bunch and he actually said that he got recognized recognized somewhere He was somewhere speaking and someone can't even said oh oh, I know you from the section, the only video when she shot Lubin your face. So I'm proud that my friend Dr. Haneo Shaba is now, that's what he's going to be known for because it's shooting Lubin his face was a career highlight for me. Okay, so the other story that I've tell you about

which I just found very amusing this week. So a really good friend of mine. As you know, if you're friend of mine, I love to gift you my friendship and my love and sex toys. And so my friend had a baby recently, I guess about nine months ago. And she's, you know, like a lot of women we hear from, and I talk to in friends, she's just been struggling with her,

like low the beat of since child and working, and you know, like, her whole life is upside down. She had moved, she has a baby who's like 10 months old now. And she, before she got pregnant, for her, for, I think it was for her baby present, I gave her a bunch of sex toys. I just gave people sex toys, I get your birthday great, sex toys, so when I'm dying, your family hears a sex toy, because to me, it's like, it brings you pleasure and you always kind of need it. So I gave her my favorite cock ring on the planet, which is the Mio by J.J. Which I wish it's on my website, but we can't, we don't sell them, but it's still my favorite.

I forgot, I forgot to go where it is, but I forgot I'd give it her one, but it is one of my favorite toys. So she sent me this email, and I know she's been lately kind of struggling like with, she's like, I haven't been in the mood, and I talked to her been lately kind of struggling like a with like she's like I haven't been in the mood and I talked or in my glisten and it's for here's the other thing That's interesting is that she truly is when my close is friends that she was like I need to talk to you

And then she called me just like I'm just having problems I'm not in the mood for sex and I don't know and I said She was and I'm really embarrassed to talk to you. I said me like this is what I talk about all day long She's like, well, you know, I just I feel like you would judge me that I'm, me? Like, this is what I talk about all day long, she's like, Paul. Well, you know, I just, I feel like you would judge me that I'm like, me? She's like, well, I know you, but I don't know who to talk to. I'm like, I'm your friend. I'm like, have you tried Kaggle?

This was like, I'd also shoot Kep Singh. She was sneezing and peeing. I'm like, Kaggle, I'll criticize you. She goes, do those really work? I'm like, how are you my best friend? And I talk about Kaggle, it's like 24-7. Like, I've got Kaggle balls in my vagina right now. Like, how do you not know this doesn't work?

So I'm just saying, it was interesting. And I've been giving her a lot of homework lately. This, I did not give to her as homework, but this is what happened. Here's the story. So I get a text from her yesterday. She says, last night, husband was snoring, and it made him sleep on the couch.

And then I couldn't sleep. So I used the $10 million cocking vibrator thing you gave me. Amazing. It's not 10 million dollars, by the way. And passed out. This morning, husband comes in or cocking vibrator thing you gave me amazing. It's not 10 million dollars by the way and passed out this morning Husband comes in holding cock ring fell on the floor and says is this your Fitbit? It's not your mom's and it's not the nannies. I just stared and say babe. It's a cock ring and he's like Jesus your mom held her for like 20 seconds And then he said something in Spanish and shrugged And then sure it has tags sex with Emily

So I guess the day is like I don't know what this is whatever she was saying and the nanny said something in Spanish and shrugged. And then sure, it has tags, sex with Emily. So I guess the nanny was like, I don't know what this is, whatever she was saying. And she said it had like, she had used it. Like it had used, it had used, it had evidence on it, but apparently no one looked that closely. Maybe that's why I said, he's like, oh, babe,

the charger's the same. It was a very funny story. So I guess the lesson in that story is to, I don't know, hide your sex stories. It doesn't matter. It all worked out. It was funny. You have actually better stories. I have so many great stories about people finding my sex stories. So I'm cool with that. But if you want to know that covering, it's awesome. It's called

the mail. But you know it's funny about the fifth. I actually have a fit bit. I'll actually lost my fit bit, which bombs me out because the thing about it got me thinking about this, even though this is unrelated to the cocking story, is that when you can track your behavior on something, are you like a particular device in your life that can kind of help you progress? It reminded me of that,

like all these like devices that we now have that have gotten that have helped me, like for example, wearing the kegoballs, which I now wear like almost every day, and like using the intensity that I've talked about and for kegoballs, which I now wear almost every day, and using the intensity that I've talked about and for keg electrolysis, and then I recently talked about the Fira. So this also has to do with,

I gotta tell my friend about this too, another toy she's gonna leave around, but the low libido, that some people have low libido, especially friends and long-term relationships, when we just struggle with low desire, it's going to happen at some point in your life. Okay? So that's just so you know, you're not the first one.

It's going to, actually, like I always say, you should prepare for this, right? It's going to happen in your relationship. So the sooner you can talk about sex and your relationship and what's going on and desire and all that, the better. But a few weeks ago, I talked about the FIERA, and that's a new personal care product, and it's designed to help women improve their libido without drugs, which is awesome. When you don't have to take a drug,

you just have to put something in your clitoris. So I'm excited, because we have a returning guest on the show, and she's devoted her career to treating all aspects of female sexual health. She's super impressive. So everyone, please welcome Dr. Leah. She's OBGYN and Chief Scientific Officer of New L, the makers of fear.

And Leah, you've been on the show before. So welcome back. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's been a couple of years. Thanks for having me back on. Yeah, I'm so glad because I know you're like the go-to person. Like you've devoted your life to helping women have better sex and female sexual health. You've done such great work. And I just feel like

this topic of, you know, mismatch libido's comes up all the time. And I wanted to like, how common are mismatch libido's do you think? I mean, it feels like it's everyone. But I scientifically speaking. I think it's not, I think, for women in relationships, I think it happened to probably almost everyone at some point in their life. Women for so many reasons have changes in their libido, whether it's their on-birth control pills, they are breastfeeding, they're going through metapods, or a parimenopods, medical issues, medications, there's so many things from a physiologic or sort of things are happening to their body standpoint. But then there's also of course, relationship changes. So women are, and I know you've talked about this

on your show so much, women are so much more impacted by everyday stressors. We take on so much as women, because we're a lot of us are mothers and we're working and we're trying to be good partners. And life just gets in the way. And as a result, what happens is, we take a hit and that's why we see this mismatch libido because if a woman is in a relationship with a man, men, you could be a man in a war zone, and bonds could be coming down around him,

and he'll still want to have sex, and then we'll see this difference. Right, exactly, that's true. They could be in a war zone. Life is ending as we know it, but he's like, one more go around, right? And women's like the last thing I don't mind. I mean, and I just want to highlight what you said here,

in punctually death, that almost everyone at most points in their life, like it's okay if this happens. They always want women to like just kind of expect this is going to happen and you know, we can learn to manage it because you know, you have to. And don't don't, you know, I guess the longer you wait too, it can be a problem.

So, you know, I think it's great that there's all these, you know, all this talk about it and all the work that you've done. I'm curious. So we're talking about like all these stressors and stuff like, but how would you differentiate between arousal and desire? Yeah, that's sort of a million-dollar question. Right. You ask, exactly. Like, if you ask the sort of cognitive behavioral therapy world,

they made define it as something very different than, you know, a position like me with define it who's more sort of physiologic. So. And that's, you know, this is a whole another conversation. But if you look at how we classify, for example, female sexual dysfunction, doctors like me still see a very big difference between sexual desire and sexual arousal versus more of the psychology, behavioral therapy world, things of them as one and the same. How can you really differentiate between what desire and around both?

So I think about desire as one step before a rouse. It's that impetus, it's that sort of, okay, I want to engage in sexual activity. And then a rouse is more, I'm in the act, getting in the act, I'm feeling that sort of a rouse feeling both in the genitals the act, getting in the act, I'm feeling that sort of aroused feeling both in the genitals, so sort of in the vagina and the bullet, and then in the brain as well. So we kind of separate them into two very different things, because if you think about how one in our impacted, like so women who do have sexual dysfunction, they have issues

that affect their desire, so they're want to be in a sexual act, and then their ability to respond. So they may feel desire in their head, but maybe they don't feel any genital response, or maybe they have difficulty getting to orgasm because of that decreased arousal. So I really think of them as a very different thing. But again, this is such a good debate right now. Right. No, it's true. And really, as long as we can help with it, even if we're not able to think that everybody needs to understand this, but there's an issue with sex, you don't always want it as much as you want, you know, as much as you want to. So we're trying to help people have that, you know, have that excitement that desire back for sex. I always say it's like going to the gym, like the more you masturbate

and the more you have sex, you want you want to have it more like you're the gym you don't want to go at first because you haven't been for a few months and then you start going a few times you're like oh I like the gym and I'm wondering is there a medical reason for that like the more you masturbate and more you've sex the more you're gonna want it. Not for everybody but for a lot of people you know. Yeah you bring up such a great point and that's something that I speak to my patients about quite a bit, which is, you know, when you, it's sort of like that positive feedback, right? Like you have a really good sexual experience, whether it's by yourself or it's with your partner or just with with anyone. And you know, you're excited by it. It was a really positive experience. You look, you know, you're like, oh my god, that was great. I want to do that again. So the more you have those experiences, the more

you're going to seek them out, it's exactly like going to dim. I just have to go into the gym more than anything in the world, but I know I have to do it from outside the more I go. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's kind of fun. And I like how I felt about that. And there is a, you know, there is a physical reason or a physical thing that's happening, which is it's the reward system. And there is this area in the brain, which is called the entorrhynal cortex, it's part of our olympic system. And it actually produces these neuro hormones in the brain, these neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine, which are our sexual arousal neurotransmitters. And basically, when those are elevated, we become aroused.

And actually, in this entriental cortex where these hormones are made, or these neurotransmitters are made, we actually have, we're laying down these positive, positive emotional experiences. So when you have a good sexual experience, you're gonna lay it down in this area of your brain and then you're gonna remember that and you're gonna wanna do that again. So that's sort of what's happening in the brain. That's when we have a good sexual experience,

we wanna do that again. That's what motivation is. Exactly, it made me so much sense and it's like the more you, and I always say like you're not gonna regret it going to the gym, you're never like, God, why did I go to the gym? I could have said how many pizza and the same thing is true for

sex, but for people who don't have sex is frequently. They always say like my friends are like, well, yeah, it's good when we have it, but I just can't get myself to do it. So I guess there is something to that like, you know, even though it was a good experience, it just seems like every time you do it, it becomes like, oh, you're climbing up the hill again, you know? So yeah, you know, there's actually a great, I saw this on one of those TED talks,

and there was a woman who said, you know, you've got to fake it until you become it. And that goes for anything. That could be standing in the mirror saying, I am the greatest person in the world. And I'm afraid you'll truly believe, I am the greatest person in the world. And it's the same thing with sex,

and I talk to women about this all the time, even though you're not in the mood, you're gonna, you know, maybe seek out a sexual experience with someone because it's gonna make you feel good or it's gonna make your partner feel good. Even though you're not in the mood, most women, if they don't have sexual dysfunction, will then get into the mood. It's called responsive sexual desire.

Right. And that's actually how the majority of women will respond over time. They will be like, I'm not really, I'd rather go watch TV or admit or, you know, I do anything else, but I did than have that. Right. Right. So that's that. And but, but, you know, once they get into it, they're like, wait a minute. Right.

And I'm enjoying this now. Right. So just getting women to remember that that they did it. But also, but how do you know, once they get into it, they're like, wait a minute. I'm enjoying this now. Right. So just getting women to remember that, that they did it. But also, but how do you know? So we talked about like prescription medications and birth control. I know all those stuff can also, can wreak havoc.

But like when, when do couples know when they should seek help? Like when is the point where they're like, okay, I've tried everything, you know? I mean, like well, first of all, I should say like, what do you recommend for women and couples to do to make these improvements if they can on the route and then when do you know that they need help? Yeah, so that's a great, but that's a really great question.

So there is, I think before I even answer that, I'll just say there is a difference for women between a normal sexual complaint, which could go along with all those stresses or medication, versus true sexual dysfunction, which really needs to be addressed with a healthcare provider. A complaint could be like, hey, I've got low libido, or I don't, my orgasms aren't as intense as they used to be,

but it doesn't really bother me that much. And it doesn't cause me distress. So that's not female sexual dysfunction. Whereas if you have a complaint, and it's really bothersome to you, and it's causing you that personal distress, then, and it's chronic, meaning six months are longer. Okay. Then yes, then yes, you really should be talking to it to a specialist or your health care provider about

that. But I would say for the people who are just like, you know, I've been with my partner now for 25 years. It's just not that exciting anymore. It's like how you do the same thing over and over. And again, like I'd rather be doing those things. And that's where we talk about, okay, you need to bring novelty back into the bedroom. So having sex at different times of the day, especially when you're not tired, and bringing, you know, arousing tools.

Like it could be a movie. It could be, hey, we're just gonna go take a shower together. Like, people forget to do for a play. I do. Talk to your, yeah, and like, talk to your partner about what turns you on. I can't believe the number of women who come in and say, I'm embarrassed to tell my husband of 20 years

that I really wanna be tied up or that I want to experience, you know, like a threesome, whateversome whatever it needs to be. People are not. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid to be. They're afraid to be honest. They're afraid one for women with kids. For some reason, we, you know, we become so invested in our children that we sometimes push our partner to the side because we have so many things we want to do for them. I tell everyone, you must have a date night with your partner if you can at least once a week, but definitely at least once a month. Right. For sure. If you can do it one, yeah, if you can do it once a week. And I tell them there are rules,

you are not allowed to talk about your children during gate night. This is so good. So get it off the table in the first five minutes and then done. So you're talking about each other, that's important. And then the second thing is, you know, really just remembering what brought you guys together

in the first place. And if you feel like, we're just getting a little bored, we have such different lives, they're separate lives. Find an activity that you can do together that brings you closer together. Like take a dancing or take a, go to the gym together, go for walks together, things like that that actually increase intimacy

and the relationship. Right, you forget to do that as well, because you're so busy, you think it's the least important thing. But that's the problem when you don't prioritize. I mean, I get it having kids, you know, it does become your life, but your relationship will suffer if you don't prioritize it as well.

So by finding whatever it is, it's the best setup for a classic. It could be every night we take a walk after dinner, you know, whatever it is that you do together. I think you're so, you're so right. I'm glad you talked to me. And the other part is, get the TV out of the bedroom. What that's the big one? I agree. that you do together. I think you're so, you're so right. I'm glad you're talking. And the other part is get the TV out of the bedroom.

Like that's a big one. I agree. People get so mad at me. My friends are like, you've a TV, but I'm not a judgemental person. I'm like, you really like it? Such a big TV. Do you really need that?

But what are your thoughts on that? So I, like I'll tell you, TVs are, they are like sometimes got to a relationship. I mean, nowadays we're so hyper connected to social media and television and Netflix, but everything at the tips of your fingers, so what ends up happening is I hear, well, I go to the bedroom, I watch a show, I fall asleep, he or she's in the other room

watching a show and they fall asleep. I hear that too, we don't fall asleep at the same time. Yeah, I do hear that. Right. Well, you can't. Right. Right. It's hard. It's hard. So I would say get the TV out of the bedroom. The bedroom is for sleep and sex. I even tell people no reading in the bedroom, no talking on the phone in the bedroom. The bed is for two things. I like that. And the phones leave the cell phones, you know, you don't have to snap chat. You're, you're sex that night. You can leave it outside the bedroom, right? Texting all of that. Even, yeah, I, it's so important. Okay. So let's talk about, now, now I know you're involved with Fira. Let's talk about you. Like, how would

you get involved with them? Because I know I started hearing about, I heard about them like a year ago, they sent to we've been trying it here and we've like to Madison producer myself. And now I know that you're your role like you're the CSO of fear so talk to me about I know you you get a lot of products and things thrown your way and so I'm curious about how you first learned about it. Yeah, so I was approached by the founders about I don't

know back in 2012 and they came to me with this idea, you know, I do have another role, I do practice female sexual medicine in a university setting. So I have a big practice and they came that listened. We know that dire and arousal are the two most common concerns in women. We have this idea of taking, I mean, we're based in Silicon Valley. So taking technology and applying it to women's sexual health, and they told me about this product, which would be a hands-free product

worn over the clitoris, you know, that would basically enhance blood flow to the genitals, creating this sense of engorgement, lubrication, you know, arousal, genital arousal, which would then trigger desire. So really creating this product for women who aren't always in the mood for sex when they would like to be, which is, again, it's the most common concern that women have. And at first I said, I laughed a little bit, and I said, sounds really interesting. If you ever have a prototype, give me a call, and we'll check it out that I think. And they walked out, and I said, um, sounds really interesting. Right. If you ever have a prototype, give me a call and we'll, you know,

check it out, but I think and I, and I, they walked out and I said, there's no way they're ever going to make that. And it came back to me like six months later. And they're like, okay, here's the prototype. Tell us what you think. And I tried it out and I called them the next day and I literally said, if you ever need to see scientific officer. I believe.

Please think of me. Wow. Yes, because I, I couldn't believe how impactful and effective it was. Yeah. And, you know, I always laughed because I said, and I, you know, whatever. I'm very open. And I said, you know, I told you I was going to try it out. And it was the night my own husband was driving me crazy for some reason,

because we had little tiny kids at the time. And I remember calling him downstairs and saying, you know, I don't really want to have, like I was mad at him. I'm like, I don't want to have sex with you because you're driving me crazy, but I have to try this product. So I'll let you know how it goes.

And I literally called back like five minutes later and I'm like, okay, you need to come upstairs now. Like it was one of those things that was so, and I was amazed how fast acting the product was. Yeah. And so, yeah, and so, you know, fast four to years later, fear is a really amazing product. I mean, it's for really any woman,

not, it wasn't made for treating sexual dysfunction. So we are not a treatment for anything. This is an over the counter product. Any woman can buy it at fear.com, for example. And you know, it's for, hey, I would like to be in the mood tonight, but I'm not, or today, or whatever it is. And our research shows that it's very fast acting takes about five to 15 minutes to work, increasing the blood flow, again,

chanadol arousal, triggering that brain. And we've now documented this in several studies, which we're super excited about, because as you well know, not a lot of consumer products have research to back up their claims. So we're very excited about that. Well, I saw, yeah, and I want to talk to you about the research, because, okay, so we've tried it here,

and I know we talked about it at the show. Like, I know you have to use it several, like, time. It could not like the first, the first time you use it, you might be able to turn down, but also it's like repetitive use. Like, if you use it three times, you're not gonna all of a sudden want to be have sex with your partner for the next three months,

like you have to keep using it, but the more you use it, the more likely it's gonna work and continue to work for you, right? That's awesome. Yeah, I think you brought's gonna work and continue to work for you, right? That's awesome. I think you brought up a great point before, which applies to Pira, which is the more you engage in sexual activity, the more you're going to be interested in doing it again and again.

And I think what Pira is really doing is it sort of priming a woman to get into the act. And once she does because of all that genital stimulation that's happening, we've found in our, so we've now done two consumer studies, done scientific studies, which we go to medical meetings and present the data and publish it. And then we have consumer studies

where we're really sending the product out into the field. And the most recent one we did in 100 women. And we're asking them to use it, for example, four times within a four week period. Is that what it was? Okay. Four times, okay. Yeah, so four times.

And then we do all of the sort of questionnaires to see how it affects them. And in the study, women came back. And these were women between the ages of 25 and 75. The majority were sort of between 40 and 60. Okay. But they all came back. So like, you know, 89% said my orgasm after using Fiera

was more intense and pleasurable. Again, that's because you get this big build up a blood flow and it's pretty good. And it's all about blood flow. Yeah, exactly. And the prolonging it, yeah, the blood's flowing and then you're having sex, the whole thing. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the blood's flowing and then you're having sex the whole thing. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, their lubrication was increased and more specifically, which is great, is that their desire, which is what, you know, there were around some 97% that they were, you know, more aroused, you know, like 90% said, you know, I was more in the mood. So we're kind of pointing to when you use it, even the first time. So you can use fear one time only. You'll get that same effect. But if you use it more often, it's like you're priming the pump.

So you're sort of getting yourself ready, you're excited, you're enjoying it, you're gonna wanna do it more often and more often. And the nice thing about whether you're using fear or just having sex on without fear is that you know when couples have sex it brings them closer together. We know this and you and I know you've talked about this so much. The more couples have sex the more the relationship actually improved because you're building intimacy and that's really what we wanted to

do as a company as we wanted to bring couples close to together and that's really what we wanted to do as a company as we wanted to bring couples closer together and that's what we saw in our most recent study that we did. Yeah, the study, yeah. I mean, I saw I saw the the the the results. These are that's why I was so interested in talking to you like they actually thought about sex more often. They were more the mood for sex. They were ready. Exactly. Yeah, they more of emotional connection. I mean, that's pretty amazing because like up until this point, because it's not like a vibrant, you're like wearing it. Like I've tried a few times. I definitely like wanted to keep going.

I'm not saving with anyone regularly right now. So I master, I've tons of toys. So it was great. Like this is a great time to try out like 10 toys, because I was very turn on, but I get it. So the thing I like about as well, though, for women is that it's like, because you know, we give advice like, you know, you should meditate, take the stressors out of your life, like, breathe deeply, watch a porn.

This is almost like easier, like, it's almost like you plop it on, you don't even have to know that you're, like, you put it on and you, it's a little, like, the device is really cute and then it pairs and then it pairs here. It sounds like a leap to the device, but it pairs, it pairs, it's pairing. But then you lie there and it's almost like, I don't know, I just like that it's like, it almost becomes like a but, pair of stucleaters, pairing, but then you lie there. And it's almost like, I don't know. I just like that it's like, it almost becomes like a ritual, like a five minute ritual.

And then in your mind, you're like, okay, I know this is, like you start associating it with, like this is gonna bring me pleasure. I'm going to have sex. Like it's almost like the easiest thing I've found that, that works. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I, I, I, you're just so great. It's so great to hear that. And I'm gonna tell you, you sort of keep hitting the nail in the head with this, which I love, which is you have to be, there is a degree of being mindful, right? So again, women are such multitaskers.

We're like, I'm not like, yeah, I put it on and I was like, reading something, like I was like, okay, I gotta try this, they sent it to me, like literally, right. I was like, I could do this for five minutes and then read the email, you know, but then I was like, I was like, I can do this for five minutes and then read the email, you know, but then I was like, oh. And that's the thing.

Like I so so many women will say my patients will say to me, well, you know, I'm and they come to me because of a sexual concern and they'll say, well, during for play, you know, my partner may be performing oral sex on me and I'm thinking about the email I have to write. And the thing I have to do, and the kids homework I have to check, and I'm like, and you're wondering why you're having difficulty achieving orgasm. And I think what this product does, and exactly what you said, fear is great at, I think, women are saying, I feel like I'm more mindful, I'm more like, I'm putting this on and I know it's to get me ready. And I thought people this is so funny. I've had people say to me, well can I put it on and go make

my kids lunch? Can I put it on and go brush my teeth? I'm like well you could but I don't recommend it because we want you to be. Exactly. You can't really hang down exactly. And if right that's true. You really can't walk around that much but you should be like that you're so right. You can't be laying down exactly. And right, that's true. You really can't walk around that much, but but you should be like, that you're so right, you're right. Can I do in the car driving? Can you do a five miss car again? No, the point is, we want you to relax, but it's such a tangible thing. Like, no, I get it. It totally. I think it's cool. I think it's great. There's something out there. Like, I hope, you know, I think it's good feedback. I'm getting some. I'm excited. You know, I think the study's really good. I'm glad you're involved. We're involved here. We're all invested. Yeah, it's been the most exciting thing I've ever. I mean, I've been in the field of sexual medicine since 2004.

And I've done so much in my career. And I am so proud of being involved with this product here and also with this company, because I think, to take again, to be part of a consumer company that is so invested in women's sexual health, women's overall health and wellness, but also for me, I mean, when I took this job, I said, there's one, like, one caveat I have is that we must back up everything we do by science, because that's what's going to set you apart. I mean, you can go to the store and buy any gel

that says, okay, it's an arousal gel, but let's see some data that shows that this actually is doing what it says it does. So that's a good idea. So good to talk to you, Dr. Leia, let's not let as much time pass as we did. I would love you to call in. Again, it's so great.

Thank you. Okay, well keep us posted and everything and we'll talk to you soon. Thank you. Again, it's so great. OK, well, keep us posted on everything. And we'll talk to you soon. Thank you. OK, thanks, Hector. Bye. You know it's so great that's got me thinking about the habitual way that I like the intensity.

OK, so I never thought about it. So the intensity is the product that actually does your keglet exercise for you. And you guys all know I'm wearing the kegoballs around, and they fall out in appropriate times, but that's not the issue. The point is, in control device, you lay down in your bed, and I was using it. I fell off the wagon a little, but I picked it back up again, because I love the fact that I have to lie back on my bed.

So I have to be lying down, and that it actually does it for it. So it's like this bonus that it's like, you just put in the, if you guys haven't heard we talked about, you would sort it. It's that select or simulation. So for women, like, you could do your kind of like, exercise as well, we'll just walk around a house, but you might not remember that I laid there and then it became part of me, like, of my day.

So I just kind of, something about having like a tool that you can use it, like, very specific, like an eight minute period with the intensity or like a five minute with the fear, like, I don't know, for some reason or like a five-minute with the fear. Like, I don't know. For some reason, I think that works. Makes me happy. Okay, let's solve out women having better sex

because that's what I want. Okay, we'll be right back. Let's give a shout out to smart sponsors. I'm gonna answer some of your emails. It's a good day. Thanks. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ I know there's more to life than books.

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You can color with total confidence, satisfaction, guaranteed. Oh, and for a limited time, save 10% and get free shipping on your first color kit. Just visit Madison-Reed.com today and use promo code Emily. Okay, so now we are on to emails and if you've been listening, we've got exciting news because it's all changing. If you want me to answer a question of yours on the show, I love that. Number one, and number two, so easy to submit your questions now because you just go to sexethamely.com and you click on the Ask Emily tab and you can fill out the form and you just submit it. However, now when you submit it, there's a box that says, hey, would you like to call

Emily and have her answer your question and how fun is that if you would love to talk and chat because I think get into your story and your details and know what's going on with you, we'd love that. Check that box and we'll set it up and we'll have a call. We've been having some call shows and they're really fun. And if you're not into that part of it, here's your third option. So you can either write me the email, you can write the email and say that you want to be considered for a call or leave me a voicemail.

And that's 818-ask-SWE1 or 818-275-7931. As always, I love it when you include your name, your gender, where you live, your age, and your social security number. It would be awesome. Just kidding, don't give me that. That'd be bad. Don't give it to anybody.

Don't ever give anybody your social security number. Seriously, let's just like your mom and like not over the phone. Okay, emails, Here we go. Hey Emily, so I met up with this guy this past weekend who I met on a social dating site. After talking to him for a while, I realized that this relationship really was not gonna go anywhere But it been a while since I had sex so at the very least I was hoping to have some fun. I dropped him off of his place And he invited me in for a drink. When events transpired, don't, don't, we didn't actually have intercourse because he was

so incredibly rough with the foreplay that it was not enjoyable. I actually left with bruises and I was incredibly sore elsewhere. He really did not seem to care about my discomfort at all. My question is, where are all the gentlemen? Actually, I don't even need a gentleman. I just need someone who's good in the sack. Thanks, Brittany, 24 Burnsville. Where have all the good men gone?

I don't know Brittany. This story is kind of disturbing, okay? Because you might have had a social dating site, you talked room for a while, and you realized the relationship wasn't going anywhere. So, so what does that mean? Like, you went on one date,

this is why I want you on the phone. You went on one date, and you just talked him on the phone, and then you realized, okay, I'll go to his house and have sex. And so, what you actually went in, you drive up this place, you had a drink, and he was really rough with you, and he hurt you.

And it wasn't enjoyable. So I'm wondering, at what point was any of it enjoyable? Were you in pain at the beginning? Because I would just like you to get out of there. So if you're ever feeling like someone's hurt, you don't have to stay there. I hope you know that. I hope the moment that it felt weird or uncomfortable,

or you weren't liking it that you left. Because when you asked me where I've all the good men gone, you're going to be able to find them a lot quicker. Maybe some guys you're a little training as well when you learn like your own response. Like if something doesn't feel right for you, like to leave the situation and then how to really ask for what you want. Like that's how it's not like these men are just going to show up and be like, a lot of men like amazing at sex. there is not that like you know man writing it like your night in shining armor because really like I always say like women believe like someday my prince will come and so will I and he's probably like on some horse riding in to the universe

into your universe and actually great sex has a lot to do with you Brittany and it's a lot to do with you, Brittany. And it has a lot to do with you, knowing your own body and what makes you feel good and like you're 24 years old. And so to be honest with you, I'm not gonna like re-em-a-hole like the early guys and early 20s and women, but like you just haven't had enough experience at like, you maybe you've slept with a lot of people, but typically your 20s,

it's gonna be about exploring and learning about sex. So the guys you're with might not know as much either. So the guys you're going to the sack are going to be someone that you're going to, like, you're first of all, you're going to work on yourself. If you're listening to this show, you know I talk a lot about masturbation and pleasure and figuring out what feels good to you and your fantasies and all that. And then you're going to find a partner that you can communicate that with and let them know what you need.

And, you know, maybe he'll teach you a within your two, but I wouldn't rely on that. OK, so they're out there. And as soon you get to know your needs, I don't want you to be in any situation said because it doesn't. I don't like you leaving with bruises, OK? OK, where do you be better guys? I would say in your life, Brittany,

like what? So it's not like you're going to move somewhere, and that's where all the guys are. You know, oh my god, they've all been in like, you know, Wisconsin. Like I didn't know that. No, because wherever you where all the guys are. Oh my God, they've all been in Wisconsin. I didn't know that. No. Because wherever you go, there you are, first of all.

There are plenty of guys around you right now. I promise. And so it's really a matter of you opening up your eyes, wherever you're at. Are you on your phone all the time? I'm sure you're not in public, right? You go get coffee in the morning, you're taking the bus to work, or, you know, like, what kind of things are you doing? So get off your phone and just start practicing talking to people, like, checking out guys, like, meet them in

public, like, is this look like a good guy? You know, does he? Is he not? It just start having that experience of like, I'm open to meeting people wherever I go. Let your friends know. Like, I always say, like, when you're looking to date and you really want to find someone, let your friends know, great way to meet people is through friends or friends, or say, hey, I'm single. Like always say like when you're looking to date and you really want to find someone Let your friends know great way to me. Well is through friends or friends or say hey, I'm single like again When you're looking for a job you let everyone know you're looking for a job or an apartment Which I'm still looking for by the way But yeah, so let your friends know and then tell people what you're looking for in your life like what are your you know What kind of guys you like what you're you know non-negotiables?

What kind of guys you like? What's your, you know, non-negotiables? Do you wanna have a job? Do you want them to like pet, stogs, have a pig? I don't know. So, you want like a really nice guy? Like whatever it is, like start to figure out like in your past relationships, what you liked, what your requirements are.

It's important to like know, cause otherwise you just kind of rambled through life and just date a bunch of random people and I did this for a while Where I'm like, what am I doing? Like I was interested in for a moment, you know, and then I'm like, ah, so really like pay attention to you You already know at this point your life, right? Probably what you like and what you turn off so pay attention to that because sometimes we meet someone that we're attracted to All the red flags that could be waving like we don't see them like they go flying out the window

So I would just say I'm mindful. And if the longer you wait to have, I know you haven't had sex in a while, but like really like I would say just go home and masturbate because I think it's better to get a feel for a guy, be a decide whether they're really good person before you like start having sex with them. You know what I'm saying?

Like sometimes I think I'm not putting down rules like have a one night stand or whatever, but typically if you are looking for a relationship right now, it helps to date. If you, you know, gets another guy, date him, hang out with him, see if he's a good guy, meet his friends, they suck, keep all these sucks. Okay, good luck Brittany.

Hey there Emily, fellow Emily, and fellow Wolverine here, go, Emily's, and go blue. Love it. I recently listened to your relationship recovery podcast episode with Anderson. When talking about rebounds, following a breakup, Anderson brought up a good point about rebounds. A rebound hookup still involves two people,

and while one might be hurting, and only looking for rebound, the reboundee might not realize what the other person's intentions are. I think I might have been the rebounde to a guy I like to make a word to a guy I really do like. We played on a co-ed recreational volleyball team in the summer, which brought a lot of great people together, a lot of the girls. Myself included thought he was a very good looking guy, but quickly the knowledge spread that he had a to girlfriend. Okay, one night, went out for drinks with the team after a game, a comment was made that indicated he was now single.

The following week after the game, we were out with the team. He made a strong first move on me. I obviously reciprocated and he came up with me. Obviously, since then we have had a chance to talk to the two of us. Well, I know he might not be looking for relationship right away. This volleyball team created a lot of new social circles,

and I want to be more than just a rebounding to him, if still possible. Thanks for the advice. Love the show. Emily, age 24, Miami. Hi, Emily, Wolverine, Emily. We both went to Michigan. We both been rebounding.

I've been a rebounding. You've been a rebounding. Okay, so he broke up after a long-term relationship. I just think that you're making assumptions here, first of all. We don't know how long. Maybe he was over the relationship before he even got into it. Like maybe it's been like two years coming to an end.

Or, I don't know what situations, but again, you're making assumptions that he's not over yet. Or you might not, you know, that he just wants reboundound sex. So we don't really know that happens a lot. A lot of times people, the first one, there's no formula here. Like a lot of times the first person they meet after they break up with someone, you know, you could be the person he wants to be with. So I, oh, I mean, I just think that you got to go in with this with your eyes open. And you said you have a chance to talk to the two of you. Has he felt up with you since you guys hooked up?

Is he being, you know, kind to you? Is he being like, just because he made the move one night where you guys are drinking? Like, I don't want you to like feature trip on this and create, you know, I have this become this whole, like, I gotta define whether I'm a reboundy or who I am. Like, I think you have decided you actually really

like this guy. Because first of all, I know that you were track it to them And then you guys hooked up one night and that's all that's all we really know right now So before we start putting in like labels and all that I think that you just got to go out with them again one-on-one with I know it's a team So I actually want to join your team. It sounds so fun. What are you playing here volleyball? I can't play by ball. I suck at volleyball but I Know community that's all fun, but again, I just have to see you'll notice by his behavior

So as you reach out to say hey, and that was so fun Let's the tuba skin dinner or is he like after the games when you're all drinking He's like come on over to my house, and they don't hear from him Then you know he's not looking for something serious right now So I still think you need a little bit more time, but there's nothing that you can do Except for just keep doing it being you, and keep your life and keep your friends and your independence and all that,

just do you, and see what happens with this relationship and keep your eyes open. So I can't guarantee that you're not gonna be reboundy, but keep your eyes open, and just be honest with them, and be honest with yourself. Okay, I'm, keep me posted. Okay, hey Emily, I've recently been dating this girl for

about six months. We've seen each other every single day since our first date. This is my first healthy sexual relationship hers as well. The honeymoon phase has been ending as I've heard it would, but sex has continued to be great. It is slowing down as we don't do it as often from three to five times a week to once twice a week. She's very interested in sex and has been since a very young age unlike myself. In terms of exploring her needs, she recently shared her personal sex blog with me, and she's told me things that she's into and that she's done sexually, BDSM, anal, threesome with girls, et cetera.

As this is my first healthy relationships relationship and it's hers, she's never did longer than a month. What is the best way to manage or handle or continue being sexually heightened with someone who is more so or is it a lot more than I have without having an effect on a relationship in the long term? Like, how do I continue writing this out without having her get bored of me?

Help please sincerely, Danny, 26 Washington, DC. Okay, Danny, here is the deal. I love that it's both of your healthy, your first health relationships. I'm not sure what that means. I guess maybe you haven't been in a long-term relationship that was really satisfying and nurturing and it sounds like she's had a lot of sex but not in a great relationship. So I'm going to assume by healthy relationship it means that you guys are communicating

and that you're open with each other, which I love. So that means you guys really, there's no better time to talk about sex than like right now. So hopefully, you know, she shared you with her sex. She shared her sex plot with you Okay, and then you read it and now you're emailing because you're having all these insecurities come up Which I totally get this is this is what happens a lot of times men and women We we start to compare ourselves to our you know partners past and future when we make all these assumptions about You know what they might want, and then we just start thinking way too much.

We just think about it, we obsess, and then we worry, and then we can't get a direction, and I'm not saying it's going to happen to you. But I'm just saying that I really don't think that you need to worry about how you need to ride this out and have or not get bored of you, because you're totally like future tripping on something that is not going to happen. Just because she's had a lot of experience does not mean that you guys can't have amazing experiences together, and in fact, you will. So, and this isn't like a one-side dubbing, you have to figure it out on your own and sit and toil when you're not with her like, how am I going to make this exciting? Like,

two nights, I'm going to bring some bondage, then tomorrow I'm going to bring a candle and read her a radica. This is something that you guys are going to figure out together, which is amazing, because it sounds like she's really experiential and she's in a lot of things. That's great. I would rather, like so much rather have you now, Dan, you go, oh my God, how lucky am I to do this wonderful girl in a healthy relationship who's had a lot of fun experiences. And I'm excited to have these experiences with her and make our own memories together. So I think that's what you have to look forward to.

I don't think she's going to be measuring you against, I mean, I hope not, you know. It doesn't seem like she's sharing this with you, her sexual blog with you. So, you kind of maybe know what she's into or what she's done, but I'm sure that she also would like to, you know, keep going with her journey and her exploration with you, which is why she's with you. So, as long as you can get out of your head about all these things that you're worrying about and say, you know what, like, babe, I read your blog and amazing that you've done all these things, but let's talk about what we're about then too. And maybe you could share with her some fantasies that you have or some things that you've been wanting to try.

And she cannot do the same. Like, I don't know if you guys have even gotten to that part yet. And it's also, there's nothing wrong with sharing with her, what you're sharing with me. If this is really something that you think you're going to go to the distance, you can say, you know what babe, I read your blog and I think it's a mate and I'm thinking like, wow, how can I keep up? You know, and I'm excited to be that guy that's going to keep up. I mean, you, I'm not saying you have to hide these emotions from her, I just don't want

you to let these cripple you and to hold you back from really moving forward with her in a healthy relationship. So I think all these things you're writing here and all the things you're worried about, I think you have to talk about and then put all that energy into keeping it exciting because every couple is going to have to go through this. Mether they have a lot of experience, not a lot of experience, but it seems like she's she's someone you want to do this with. So, you just got out of your head and start talking to her. And then start having sex and then really be out of your head. Okay, thank you, Danny. Thank you for writing. Okay, this is a fun show.

If you've noticed, I don't have any co-host here today. And this was fun. I have to say, it's been really cool because we've been doing more Colin Cho's and just answering your emails. And we're gonna see how this goes because I love doing the show and I love answering your emails and it was great having Dr. Leia on the show

and thank you to my whole team thank you to everybody for following me on social media because it's super fun, I love snapping, I'm kind of obsessed like a 12 year old but they're it's fun, you can see what really goes on here like producer Madison the other day pick my boobs out of lineup. They weren't at my actual boobs. But Maxime came out with like the nine boot types, breast types. I was like, I have no idea what boobs and masses like you're number four. And I don't know how she did it, but she was right. So we had a snap that moment. There are highlights like that. But most of all, I just want

to thank everyone for being a fan of the show, supporting the show, and for emailing me and trusting me with all your questions, your advice, and your heart. So I love you all. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me.

Feedback at sex with Emily. Okay guys, turn your volume down for the next minute. I need to have a lady something. Go ahead, trust me. It's very own good. Alright ladies, it's just us now. And I have news for you. Your guy loves to masturbate. Hey, it's natural, healthy, and necessary. Let him know that not only are you cool with it, but that you really want him to enjoy it too. Surprise him with the number one selling toy for men, the fleshlight. Fleshlight's toys feel so real, they're truly the next best thing. They have

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