Sex With Emily - Manifest Your Partner (It Worked For Me)

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

Let’s manifest our dream partners and our best sex. Because listen: if our romantic lives aren’t aligned with the people we actually are, we have an opportunity to change that. Today, I’ll tell you how I manifested my own partner, the specific steps used to get there, and why the science behind this practice works. I’ll also answer your questions about finding the one and how manifestation can apply to your everyday dating and sex dilemmas. Show Notes:15 Types of Sexuality and Attraction To Help You Understand Your Desire StyleJoe Dispenza - Breaking the Habit of Being YourselfIntroducing Playground's chief sexologist Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Be the person you want to find. You're already whole. You're already good. You already have everything that you need. So my final quote on this from Joseph Benzani says, life is about the management of energy where you place your attention is where you place your energy. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and

liberate the conversation around sex. Let's manifest our dream partners and our best sex because listen, if our romantic lives aren't aligned with the people we actually are, well we have an opportunity to change that. Today I'm going to tell you how I manifested my own partner for real. The specific steps used to get there and why the sides behind this practice works. I'll also answer your questions about finding the one and how manifestation can apply to your everyday, dating, and sex dilemmas. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. What do you want to get out of this episode?

How will this episode help you? Well, my intention is to help you actualize your love life by getting super specific about what you want. Only then can you attract a partner that aligns with your values and desires. Please, please, please rate review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article, 15 Types of Sexuality and Attraction

to help you understand your desire style is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemilycom slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739. Always include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's told to cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. One more thing before we get in today's episode. So there's been a lot going on lately in my life.

I just want to share with you. I'm moving. I'm going to be building a new studio in my new home. I'm super excited. I'm also finishing my second book, which also can't wait to share with you. I think it's pretty groundbreaking. But I'm also the chief sexologist for playground. You know I'm all about loop. And this company makes one of the best clean libido enhancing lubricants around. And here's the truth. Most personal lubricant products haven't been updated in decades and many of ingredients

aren't safe for women. They don't have women in mind. Well, playground is a clean lube and has ingredients like ashwagandha, which is a sexual stimulant, and it also has black co-hash, which helps balance hormone levels. It's just an awesome loop. And right now, my listeners can get 15% off their first order at helloplayground.com. All you gotta do is use code sexwithemily

and just go check them out. You're gonna love it. That's helloplayground.com code sexwithemily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Let's talk about manifesting. This is something that I am super, super passionate about. Well, because it works. And it's been coming up a lot lately, not just with you, but with my friends and people wanting to say like, why can't I find the right person? Like, why do I keep attracting people that aren't right for me?

Why do I have a type that isn't serving me? When we talk about manifesting, I'm going to get into that a minute, but I asked all of you on Instagram as well. I said, have you ever tried this? Have you ever tried manifesting? I'm gonna get into that a minute. But I asked all of you on Instagram as well. I said, have you ever tried this? Have you ever tried manifesting a partner? And 39% of you said yes, which I love. 38% of you said no, and 23% of you said not yet, but I want to, which is great because we're gonna do it today.

And I think if you've been looking for someone or you've been trying to find a relationship that serves you, just a dead and patterned of dating the wrong types, this is going to help you. I'm going to give you specific tips here. So I'm going to start with my own story and tell you how manifesting has worked for me. And this is a never been told before story. So for years, I've been reading about talking to people about hearing tales from people on how they manifested their partner. And I knew what that was.

They got really, really specific. They wrote it down and they were clear. You know, they talk about writing it down and like lighting sades, climbing to the top of a mountain, sleeping with a piece of paper, another pillow, like all these ways, like, and I, my partner shut up. And I was like, that's really cool. I bet that works because I know how, how the process works. Like you can pretty much manifest everything when you get clear in your own life. For me personally,

well, I found it interesting. I wasn't in a part of my life where I actually was looking for someone ever really. I mean, yes, I had boyfriends and partners and lovers and many things, but I was never like, I'm really ready to find that right person, which I know there might be some irony there. I should have thinking, well, that's your job and your, remember, I, I am a sex and relationship expert, but doesn't necessarily mean that I want everything that you want. Well, here's what happens. The pandemic rolled in as we know, And it gave me time to get really, really clear on what I actually did want in a relationship.

And my goals for relationships. Now, we know that the whole world kind of slowed down. And, and I thought to myself, you know, I really would like to be in a relationship that, you know, find my partner that can go the distance. And I thought, I'm going to do this manifesting list thing. And when I say, like, I would say, ready to do the work, what I mean is getting intentional, getting intentional about what kind of relationship I want to, because it's not that I hadn't been in relationships.

I've had a lot of wonderful relationships, and I've dabbled in all kinds. I've had long term relationships and short term relationships and casual relationships and open relationships and all the things. And what I realized is my pre-pandemic lifestyle, I wasn't really ready to say like, okay, no, I want that partner that could be all these different things. I even had a business advisor because business was very, very busy during the pandemic as well, which I'm super grateful for. But I was like, well, when am I going to date?

Like I want to go out there and date. And he's like, you know what, Emily, things are busy. Like, how about Q1? And I was like, what are you talking about? That seems so cold. Like, I can't do it yet. But I decided, you know what, that's fine. We're not going to rush this, but I'm just going to make a list.

And I really just opened up the notes in my phone. And I started to write down what I wanted. And I just envisioned, you know, the traits and the values and things that I was looking for in a partner and I was very very specific Well in the fall of 2021 I met this partner and we were fixed up by a mutual friend and then I found this list But I remember spending time on it and then I kind of went about my life and did other things and then after I met this partner I found this list

So I'm going to read you some of the things that are going to things. And then after I met this partner, I found this list. So I'm going to read you some of the things that are going to perhaps inspire you and you can see where we're going because these things I got specific. And my partner is a lot of these things. Here we go. This has never been shared before. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and real with really my intention of helping all of you while I share this with you. I wrote, makes me laugh a lot, courts me unconditionally, nurtures me by asking thoughtful questions, remembering things that I've told him,

this all seems pretty basic, right? Cooking, cooking comes up a few times, as does driving, which is important. I don't like driving, or cooking. I trust him. We like working out, eating healthy, we have an active lifestyle. I wrote therapy has been a priority in his life at some point sexually explorative and curious. Acts with integrity

and business with family with me, dominant in the bedroom, very masculine, he's in service to others, generous and kind, passionate about planning. So I'm not a planner. I am not a planner. I am many things but I will not plan. Like if we were dating and you weren't a planner, like nothing would happen. In fact, I dated a guy for years ago and neither one of us ever made plans. We didn't do anything but like, stay at home and like watch TV. I'm like, this is going nowhere. Somebody has to be a planner. So he's a planner. When you're specific, you're going to get what you want. So you really like have to be clear. Organize. I wrote organize with belongings because I sometimes not always is organized. So like really like have to be clear. Organize. I would organize with belongings because

I sometimes not always is organized. So like he knows where everything is. He's all these things. And I don't think that I've made anyone who are all of these things before. So almost down to like what I had written, I this person like came into my life. I think the process of just getting clear like came into my life. I think the process of just getting clear and being really focused was helpful and helped me find that partner. So I challenge you and I encourage you to take some of the things we're gonna talk about right now

to make your own list and think about how do they wanna make you feel? Like how do you wanna feel when you're with them? What do you guys like doing together? What's important to make you feel? Like, how do you want to feel when you're with them? What are you guys doing together? What's important to you? Okay? So let's just talk a little about manifestation. I might even lost some of your,

like, what are you talking about? Manifestation, like, I'm gonna think about a million dollars and a million dollars is gonna end up my bank account. Like, that's what I'm talking about. So basically, manifestation is, when you think something is going to happen, you continue to think about it, and it happens.

Again, I know what might seem out there. There are some science-beck principles behind it. So Dr. Carol Duex, she's one of the foremost researchers on a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. And she repeatedly demonstrates that believing that you can do something makes it more likely that you're going to achieve it. Dr. Duex research has shown that students achieve higher academic outcomes if they are told they can approve their grades through effort, not by being told that they're naturally smart.

Well, that's a fixed mindset, believing you're a certain kind of person destined for a certain kind of life. But through a growth mindset, students realize they are capable of achieving a certain destiny if they put in the work. Well, that's exactly what you're doing with manifestation, saying you are capable of growing into the person worthy of a relationship aligned with your values, not simply saying you want that relationship. So more science, Joe D'Spenza, who I am a huge fan of. He's a lecturer,

a researcher, author, educator, and he's written a few books. And one of them that I love is breaking the habit of being yourself. And he explains this process more if you're interested in more in the science of it. So it's not just some kind of like we're going to make a vision board together and like Sincu and Bayaya, there is some science. And he talks about in three steps about thinking, feeling, and being. So his research supports, and the research supports, that we can change the brain and the body by thought alone. It shows that we are able to change the pathways in our brain and create new ones that will allow us to everything that we imagine, feel, think, believe can happen. But the process is

really thinking it and feeling it and then merging that with your mind and body. And so I'm gonna walk you through the process now that is sort of mimic some of this. There's a lot of power in this and truthness and science behind it. So let's talk about now how you can relate all of this to your sex and your dating life. Okay. How you can be more intentional, how you can be more specific to attract the partner person that you want in your life. Here's some steps. So I want you to think about, what are those qualities that you wanted to partner?

How would you prioritize those things, like what do you know, getting really specific? Like what are the qualities you desire? Do you want someone who's kind and loving and adores you and makes you laugh? Do you want someone who is kind and loving and adores you and makes them make you laugh? Do you want someone who makes a difference in the world? I just talked to her friend today and she got fixed up with someone and she said, I'm so excited because he's a philanthropist. Like for her, that is something that's like so excited to her.

And I've been working with her. I'm manifesting. In fact, last week, she called me and said, she's going to a party and I said, okay, imagine right now you're with this partner that it's coming your way, this person that we are Madbusting. What would he be doing? Is he picking you up when he comes in the door? What is he wearing? So we've been kind of in playing with some of these concepts like because getting really clear. So anyway, she was excited that he's a philanthropist down for you. You might be like, I don't want anyone who does that. Like I need to find a doctor. I need to find someone who works in sales. Like you can get clear and specific here. You know, do you want someone who really believes in you?

How important is it this person is involved in your life? How important is person is supporting you and elevating you? How important is it that they like the same things that you like, right? Do you want them, if you're a swimmer, or do you want them to also swim? I mean, this is where it's fun. Like if I'm telling you now and backed up by science

that the clearer or more specific you get, the intentional you get and clear clear clear clear. And what you actually want, not like, oh, I want that, but I can never have it. With your thoughts, you can create whatever you want. Like, it doesn't matter if you want someone who's like an astronaut, can fly you to the moon. Like, this is all cool.

I'm not saying you're gonna get all of it, but don't let that hold you back. I don't want to hear like, well, that can never happen or I'm not good for that or these people don't exist. No, they do exist. They exist in your thoughts. They exist in your mind. And this is the best part about manifesting is that it all exists. You just get to write it down and be clear. So you have to remove all of those obstacles, right? All the thinking that you have that have've told you it's not gonna happen. And if you care about these things, like you're like, their age matters,

like their education level matters, how much money they make, cool. Write it all down, journaling, writing it down. So here's some areas that to focus on. You could think about like physical material. You could say like, I want them to be, you know, this tall or this color hair, this color eyes make this much money That's fine. That's cool. You can talk about you know their interest their hobbies like what are they like doing on the weekends?

What do they doing with their spare time? Are they a reader? They love movies? What about their like psychological and their like emotional capacity like how good are they are they emotionally mature? Are they you know how good are they are that intimacy emotionally mature? Are they, you know, how good are they? Are they intimacy? What are their values and lifestyle? This is really important if you care about their religion if they have children if they want children What are their beliefs around raising children get clear? Are they playful? What's their creativity like? Are they spiritual? How committed are they to acting in integrity? How much do they love? Right? So get clear. Write down all these traits. And the next step after you are clear is to read through this list. You can set a daily reminder, put on your phone, and then just expressing gratitude for the outcome that's already happened. I want you to feel that it's already happened. Like, know that it is coming. Like, thank you so much

for bringing this person to my life. I love having this person in my life. I already feel them. Now this ritual is gonna have guides your life in the direction of your ideal partner, okay? Then I want you to just remove all the obstacles getting in your way. Again, this could be your limiting beliefs.

Like this won't happen. I'll never find the person. I always attract bad boys. It could also be conflicts. Like maybe you always do attract people that aren't right for you. Like people who are unavailable or people who just don't have values that you like, but yet you're saying I want something else. Remove that obstacle. Say, don't tell yourself that you keep attracting these bad

people. Like get rid of that. Removing all the bad behaviors and people that don't serve you. just remove it, right? The next step is visualizing it. Visualizing it, what are they doing, where are you going, pictures of holding hands, having sex, whatever it is, visualize it. It's so important to get that picture in your mind to eye. You know, this is why it's so important to be specific because the more specific we are, this is how that person is important to be specific, because the more specific we are,

this is how that person's going to come into you. This is how this person's going to come into your life when you're specific. And then the last step is you trust the process. Trust it's happening. Trust that's person coming, this person's coming into your life, and you just have a knowing.

And then I want you to repeat this practice. It doesn't have to be daily, maybe it's weekly. I mean, I forgot about my own list for some time, but try and fit this practice regularly into your life. Share with friends. Keep it tap a mind. This is the person. Thank you for making this person

already come into my life. Act as if they're already there. Another great thing, I remember hearing this years ago, and I think there was a book entitled this by a monk that I was really into. I think her name is Sherry Huber, and she had a book called Be the Person You Want to Find. Rather than trying to find someone who completes you, or they, you know, we always think like, you complete me, or I want to find my better half, we're getting in having those traits and being that person already.

So be the person you want to find. We don't need to get a relationship to feel this like deep, dark hole in ourselves. Learn to love and accept yourself as a whole person before you do all this or while you're doing this process is super helpful. Okay? You're already whole. You're already good. You already have everything that you need.

So my final quote on this from Joseph Benzani says, life is about the management of energy where you place your attention is where you place your energy. In other words, we begin with the thoughts. We respond to those thoughts through feelings. And then we actualize those feelings into behaviors. It's our behaviors that are the crucial last step helping us design a life that reflects the type of partner we want. Let's take a short break and we come back. I'll get into all of your manifestation and relationship questions. Come go away. We're going to get into your questions. I love when you send me your questions.

This is from Savannah 23 in South Africa. We're going to help you here at Savannah. Hey Dr. Emily, I will listen to your podcast for a while now and it's helped me so much and giving me so much confidence in terms of my own sexuality and dating. I've always been on the dating scene but I've never got an actual relationship out of it. I'm wanting to find someone and have a proper long-term relationship. I don't believe in entering a committed relationship if I don't feel for certain that it's something I can see going long-term. With that being said, I want to know what questions you would ask

someone that you are interested in dating. To get to know that I'm going to deeper more intimate level. Thanks so much. All right. This is such a great question for our manifestation show because first, you know, when you're saying, like, I don't feel for certain, it's something I can see going long term, like, I love that you know what you want. First of all, you sound very, very clear. So that is great.

And you're asking for some questions. I love the Gottman card deck. It is an app. You can find it in the App Store. John and Julie Gottman were guests on this show before and they are just brilliant. They've been studying love and relationships and dating for 40, 50 years. They have a few different decks on their app. There's one called date questions. You could even share it with somebody. You could have these questions written in your phone, and just kind of think of the ones that you like, and they have hundreds of them. I like this, like, so if you could jump on a plane tomorrow, where would you go?

Another way to say that to a prospective date, or someone you're dating, could be like, where's your next vacation? Where are you dying to go, right? You could say, what'd you like most about where you grew up? What'd you like about at least? Now, these are questions that you're not just collecting facts,

you're actually listening. If they said like, I hated the snow, right? And I hate the cold weather, but you are an avid skier. Let's say this is someone that you dump, but you're gathering information, right? When we're dating, I think sometimes we just try to quickly decide like, is this person for me or not, but just think of it like, this is a new person. I'm getting more information. What's something small that really makes your day? Now, we could learn a lot from this. You know, maybe they say like, I love my walk home from work

because it's a time where I really get to connect to nature and then you find out like, wow, I like nature too. It looks like we both like hiking and being outdoors. If he says like, I love when I look at the end of the day, if you know, maybe they're like a stockbroker, like, I see how much money I made, then you know that they're like really driven by specific goals and driven by money, right?

Like, all these questions will just lead you to understanding this person more, which your favorite part of your job, describe your ideal morning. That's a great question to ask. Like, what did he find so much like, I love getting up at 4 a.m. and you love your mornings. Like, you like to like, I love getting up at 4 a.m. and you love your mornings.

Like you like to sleep in and this person is a 4 a.m. they rise at 4 a.m. Don't you wanna know that now? I would. What's your favorite way to be creative? What would you do if you won a hundred thousand dollars? I love this question. Where are they about?

This is gonna tell you their values, where they focus on what's important to them. If you had a superpower, what would it be? What was your favorite book scrolling up? What's your favorite holiday? So these are some things that you might think like, what's that going to tell me? But if you really listen, you've got to remember to become active listeners and you take that to like the level beneath the level of what it means, you could learn a lot. Savannah, the important thing here is just don't ask questions, pay attention how they respond and focus on questions that relate to their passions, pay attention, how they respond, and focus on questions that relate

to their passions, their talents, their family and friends. What do they see as a good life? Because that's where you're going to find out, is this person that I can be aligned with? Is this someone I can see being in a long-term relationship with? And I think the asking questions, these are just a really fun way to get to know someone as well, rather than being like, so tell you about your hopes and dreams and where do you want to go, right? Like, have some fun with it, all right? You got this Savannah.

I can't wait to hear where it takes you. We got Roxanne, she's 15 Austin. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love all that you do and thanks for providing these services. I'm a single woman looking for straight men. My long-term objective is to find an LTR, a long-term relationship. However, not only have I not dated since pre-pandemic, it's also been several years since I had sex, so I'm totally found with a few one-night stands or a friend's benefit situation for now in order to scratch the itch.

I took a recent break from the dating apps and now feel that I'm ready to get back to the apps, and here's my dilemma. How do I create a profile where I'm upfront about wanting something casual, but crafted so that A, it will be interpreted as a free for all for all the creeps, I want to be mindful of any potential danger and being this open about what I seek and B,

I don't sound desperate, meaning anyone from work could potentially see my profile. And I've concerned about my profile, stating that I'm down for an FWB and any possible judgment or follow. Please help. I heard your podcast the other day on the topic of dating, and you mentioned being up front about what you want, but not sure about how to do so given the above concerns. When I've gone an abs before, I never stated wanting something casual, so at that time it was not an issue. I appreciate your help. So I love this question because I think that there is this fear that we all have about

like I could never tell anyone that I want to make casual. I can never say I'm just looking for someone to hang out with on the weekends or just for a sex partner. But I'm thinking like why? Like if you are clear and you know what you want, how great that you're going to be able to attract that and then weed out all the people that don't fit the bill. And I'm telling you, when you are specific, you will find those people.

I've heard from so people who are looking for exactly what you're looking for, people of all denders, who also want FWB and they're not sure how to say it. I think you got to say it right now like this is what I'm looking for I'm looking for somebody that I can spend time with I'm not looking for a long-term commitment and be clear You know my friend Wednesday Martin she was on the show a few weeks ago on her dating profile She was so specific She said I want to be chased and I want to be cherished I was like you're stating that you want someone to chase you.

And there was a few other things she said, but she's sure enough, found plenty of suitors, plenty of people were like, I love chasing. I want to chase you. And so I think that when you're really up front and you state it, not only are you being kinder to yourself and you're more likely to attract what you want, but it's allowing other people to also know what you need and what you want. Now, you can continue to evolve this message

as you get clearer, but I think just saying like, right now, I'm looking for someone to spend time with and to be more casual, you can even put in what that definition of casual is. Like you could say, like, I want to go to movies and do sleepovers, but I'm not ready to meet your family. You know, I think that we have to show people what we want, like give examples. Roxanne, this might really help you get clear by saying, like, when you

picture an FWB, are you seeing them on a Saturday night? Is it only Wednesdays? So like getting clear ourselves, they're going to help you find the person you want and you'll put that into words. This is from Shay's 30 in Washington DC. Hey Dr. Emily, I met an amazing guy in Bumble, our values align and we have fun together. He's successful and he's hot. We've been at least six dates and each one ends in a hug. I feel like we have some sparks during conversation but he never advances to anything physical. Up until now, I've been too nervous to make the first move. I'm left feeling so apprehensive because I don't know what to expect at the end of our dates. Will I get a kiss, be invited back to his place,

etc. On our last date, you went to hug me goodbye and I panicked. I made it tempting to ask me if he felt things were going well. You know, it was freezing outside, it was awkward now I asked it and clearly I made him uncomfortable. I really liked this guy and I want to make it work So how could I approach a conversation with him to progress to the next level? How do I know whether to keep trying or walk away? Well, I think Shay given what we've learned about manifestation Can you in your mind think about what you want to happen with this guy like what would it be like to kiss him? what you want to happen with this guy. Like, what would it be like to kiss him,

picture it as it's happening, and I would plan another date with him. Now, you're saying that it was awkward, and it clearly made him uncomfortable. I've heard this from Sony, you are like, it was clear, they didn't like me anymore. It was never gonna happen again, and not at 10 times, it's just not the case at all.

So I think you've gone out with this guy enough, you know now that you are attracting what you want. And you even recognize, maybe it was awkward, say hey, last time the date didn't end and how I want it to end, but I'd love to see you again. And then why don't you plan the date? Tell him what you want to do and where you want to go, and then I want you to start thinking about,

how do we want the date to end this time? Right? Is he walking up to your door, sleeping over? Are you guys making out of the car? Are you going for a walk somewhere? Like, what is actually happening on this date? So get clear on it and I don't think it's too late. Listen, if someone goes out with you six times,

at least six times, that means they're pretty interested. They're pretty invested. And I doubt that one seemingly awkward thing or like, according to you you like you did something awkward um on the date is going to really be the thing that's going to end this all together. We're so extreme and our thoughts We're so hard on ourselves. So I say there's still a lot of time here to make this what you want to repair it and to call the shots Make this happen, Jay. You got this. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739.

Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you