Sex With Emily - "Manning Up" with John Kim

Episode Date: February 12, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by “the Angry Therapist” John Kim to talk about his book “I Used to be a Miserable F*ck” as well as the true way to “man up.” They discuss how you can go from being an angry, macho guy to an evolved version of yourself, what steps fathers – and parents in general – can take to become better role-models, and why being vulnerable can help you when it comes to maintaining your relationships. Plus, how working on your mind can help you be more attentive in the bedroom.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFollow John Kim on all social @theangrytherapistFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There's a swell happening where I think a lot of people are now sick of the swipe culture and there's this thing called self-partnerd where people are like, you know what, I'm going to work on myself and I think this is what's going to happen. I'm hoping it's what happens to get people to kind of look inward and go on their own self-sign. So tell me, I hope that people are doing that because this whole journey of like, it's sort of similar to what you were saying about, we feel like something's broken if we're not dating. So like, well, it's almost like our duty on the planet is to keep dating, keep having sex,

but saying, giving people permission, it's okay to slow down and say, what do I actually want? Who am I in a relationship? I think our duty is to be the best version of ourselves as possible. And I think the ripple of that is sex and all the great things that happened

with sharing your life with someone else. But I don't think that's the Sun we've all we revolve around I think we need to kind of take the power back and go after our dreams and do what we feel is honest to us And then if we happen to meet a partner now we're coming in as a whole person instead of trinkets of fill holes Thanks for listening to sex with Emily I'm Dr. Amley and on today's show I'm joined by the Angry Therapist John Kim to talk about his book I used to be a miserable fuck, as well as the True Way to Man Up. Topics include, How can you go from being an angry macho guy to an evolved version of yourself?

What are some steps, fathers, and parents in general can take to become better role models? Why being vulnerable can help you when it comes to maintaining your relationships and how working on your mind can help you be more attentive in the bedroom. All this and more, thanks for listening! Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on day.

Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so sad. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemlee.com.

You're gonna love our site. We've got lots of information for you on our site and sex with Emily across the board on all social media. Intentions with Emily. For each show, you guys, let's set an intention together. What do I mean by this? Okay.

So, you're listening to the show now. Think about, like, what am I going to get out of listening to this episode? It helps so much to set an intention because, you know, once we have an intention for something, we end up manifesting in that and it happens. It could be, I'm wondering what it means, you know, to really be a man. I keep hearing about toxic masculinity, how do I really man up? In a way that's healthy, or I've been struggling internally, I didn't think traditional therapy would be helpful. What do I do? Well, my intention for the show was to help you understand that I really like John Kim and I think that his message for men is really healthy and I think it's a way to

kind of ease you guys into therapy and realize, you know, or maybe even call it coaching, I think you're going to like his attitude and it's going to be inspiring for men and for women. So enjoy the show. John Kim, aka the Angry Therapist, and promoting his podcast and a lot of interesting things that you're doing, the Angry Therapist, Instagram is the Angry Therapist. All this stuff will also be in the angry therapist.com and'll all be in our show notes at sectordendly.com. Your licensed therapist, John came and you're going through a divorce. You decided like you pioneered the online life coaching movement. Wow. Yeah. I was frustrated with the clinical world and how you become a therapist. I know

you have a PhDs, I don't know which route you took, but it was lonely and expensive and I just thought there was a better way to help people help other people, especially with the internet and you know, all the different ways we help people now. I feel like you are such a strong male voice, like you such a great male perspective, you know, on masculinity and relationships and I think, you know, I think that men need that. You've got a different version of what it means to man up. Yeah, I think, um, that. You've got a different version of what it means to man up. Yeah, I think. And you had to go through it.

I had to go through it. You know, I went on my man journey about 10 years ago after divorce. I always feel like after an expired relationship, the soil is so rich to actually grow, depending on how you look at it. If you are, if you have anger, resentment, and you go that way, then not so much.

But if you really look inward, you're gonna go on your heroes journey. And so I went on my daycare go. Yeah, well, this is what I love is because I believe that we all need to go on a journey, some ways. And so I feel like a lot of men do not ever take the journey. They don't even take the first step. Yes, it usually takes something,

like the athletic loosen. Tromatic, I was gonna say, they was a parent. They get really sick. They've been losing so much. Or a ditch in or lose a custody or something. Right. Exactly. And they're like, oh shit, this is my rock bottom. I have to start to feel what's wrong.

I can't be angry anymore. I can't be. So, and I, so that's what I, because I feel like there, I love that you are here because I feel like it's such a great example. And it's a role model because when I sit here every night saying, I think you need therapy. You got to work on it. It's sort of this,'s a role model because when I sit here every night saying, I think you need therapy, you gotta work on it, it's sort of this, people still think it means, I'm crazy.

And so you've kind of redefined that, having sex and unconventional way. But I wanna go back to your journey when you were 36. You get divorced and you're angry. I'm angry and I'm like, I'm like, yeah, absolutely. Okay, and then how did you decide I'm gonna be at like, what were you doing before that? I was a screenwriter and I wasn't happy and I was chasing shiny things and I thought that

until I got the house in the hills and the Range Rover Porsche combo and all of the fancy things, I tied that to happiness and sense that wasn't happening. I was miserable and hence the miserable fuck. Okay, his book is I used to be a miserable fuck and every man's guide to a meaningful life. John came. Yeah, so I was in therapy myself and I was talking to my own therapist and he's like, what do you want to do if you can't do that? And I was like, I want to do what you're doing, you know, I want to actually help people and I love psychology. And then so at 35, we went back to school. Wow. You know, I wanna actually help people and I love psychology. And then so a 35 went back to school.

Wow. And so is that when you first entered therapy is when you were actually going on the journey or had you dabbled before? I dabbled before. But like by dabbling you went twice. I went when there was a problem. Right.

Which you shouldn't do. You should go before. Right. Because you're actually building skills and tools. Yeah, that's like when people work out, they don't go, you gotta go to maintain. Right, exactly. How you say, you feel like, oh yeah, I went twice,

I'm like, no, if you went to the gym twice this year, you're not in shape, right? You mean, you have to, it's a continuous process and it takes about a little bit of time. Yeah, I think. It's not so a year until you actually first feel it sometimes but I don't want people to be scared. So what was the first layer of

the onion that you peeled back when you started going to therapy at 36? Because they would say like therapy is like peeling back the layer of the onion. Realizing that when you are in a relationship, you're bringing so much more to the relationship that has to do with your story, your wiring, attachment styles, love, like all these things. I just thought, you know, I thought love was basically I find someone attractive and let's go. Right, exactly. Great sex for two years. I don't have to do about it. So you were there and then you're like, oh no, I have to. It takes work.

Right. And you have to look at yourself and you got to own some shit, you know, and then I was like, oh, relationships are actually built. And I think, you know, I have this theory that you have to swim past a breakers to build something sustainable. And I think most people don't because after the honeymoon, after the, you know, the great sex and all that, if things start getting boring or stale, or they're stuff happening underneath that you're not aware of, then suddenly you bounce. And especially today with like swipe culture, everyone thinks that there's, you know, we're all like baseball cards now. Right. Exactly. Like, oh, there's a problem that I'm, I know, we're all like baseball cards now. Right.

Exactly. Like, oh, there's a problem that I'm, I'm going to sign up on the app again and dump this person. We know this. We got it. We've gone through therapy and not a lot of people are still living in this place of like when the honeymoon's over, we don't want to have sex. There's a huge problem, but I have no one to go to.

I don't know who to talk to about it. So I'm, well, they don't even know that you could fix it. Right. But they don't talk, they don't feel like therapy would save it. So they, they blame themselves and think, oh, then I'm a bad person they don't even know that you could fix it. Right. But they don't feel like therapy would save, and so they blame themselves and think, oh, then I'm a bad person, or my partner's a bad person, and really just a matter of learning how to work together.

They create their own prison. They're on an island talking to that volleyball, like Dominics. Yes, exactly. Okay, what a hot answer, call? Let's talk to Zach in Florida, he's 32. Hey, Zach, thanks for calling. Hey Dr. Emily, how are you? I'm good. How are you doing? I'm here with John Kim,

the angry therapist. You got two here to help. Well, you spoke to a lot of my crew, so I'm in a new relationship. Everything is perfect. We mesh well together. Our affection is great. Outside of the bedroom, we have same values. However, when it comes to the bedroom, I can't say it's 100%. I have always viewed sex as very animalistic. I like it rough.

And he's a much more passionate guy. I see this going somewhere further, but I want to learn how we can work in synergy together to kind of make that happen because he's not in my lane. I'm not in his lane. So, how long have you guys been talking about? I'm not going to miss those two lives. Okay, so you know that, okay, that's a great question. So what you're saying is that you know that you want to be

a little more rough and he's more like passionate, wants to make it last longer and you're just like, what do we do? So I always say, I'd love to hear from you, John Kim, that, you know, we gotta, you just gotta talk about it. Like a lot of this stuff is just like, we feel like we have to show up already knowing how to be our partner's best lover.

Yes. And then otherwise, and then we don't try and be getting nervous because we think, oh, I'm going to fail them. I'm going to fuck up. They're going to leave me when my belief is just having a really honest conversation with your partner without like shaming or blaming and thinking like, you never do this or I can't ever be as passionate as you want. It's been like, hey, you know what?

I kind of like a little more rough. You want some more passion. Tell me more about what that passion looks like. I'll say what the rough looks like. Let's try to figure out What could work for both of us? Yeah, I was gonna say what a great opportunity to Create some new love experiences. I think it's about tossing old blueprints that we keep trying to chase Obviously communication and creating some new experiences. So being open curious over judgmental Okay, all right. So Zach, what about just having a conversation? It's being like, curious over judgmental. Okay. Alright.

So Zach, what about just having a conversation and being like, you know what? I'm so into this relationship. It's so hot, our sex life, not in the bedroom. But when you guys are like, having dinner, going for a walk, and just saying, let's just talk about this, because I wanted this to work. So.

Yeah. Yeah. I definitely be open to that dialogue. Okay. Because I'm usually always worried about it at first. Because you're like, oh, yeah. I'm thinking of a freak. Yeah.

No, but there's not. Here's the thing. I've just tell you that that's why most of us do not have the conversation. And that's why I'll always have a job. That's why John came up a job. If people don't know how to have to even start the conversations, right? So you're not a freak. You're not alone.

It's not weird that you didn't think to talk about it. But now you can, and I'm telling you, the right people that you're with are going to be so grateful. I believe that you are like asking about it because they've probably never talked about it either. Yeah. Right? We tell people, you know, okay, Jack, so I'll be every night, you can let me know. It goes. Okay, Jack, thanks for coming. Right? Don't you think a lot of it? John is, um, yes. Why don't people talk about sex? Literally because what he just said, I mean, I think that's a great example

because we're afraid that we're weird, we're not normal, that our partner's gonna think we're freaks and they're gonna leave us, we're gonna say it wrong, we're gonna insult them, and maybe if I say I want to be spanked, but what if I change my mind in the million things? And they're like, you know what? I'll just wait for my partner to read my mind

or to get better at it. Or maybe I won't be this freak anymore. And then we stay with someone for years or months too long. And then we just suddenly suffer and have bad sex and then we die. Yeah, exactly. But we don't have to.

No, I think it starts with the absolute, you're right. It starts with a conversation. Why are we so open to talking about other things that we want in our life, but when it comes to the bedroom stuff, it's like just a lot of jumping to conclusions. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, we just jumped to conclusions

and then we just, we just start ourselves down. We have all these coping mechanisms that allow us to, like, we don't feel. So what I want to know, we could, Jim and from Florida's been on hold and Jim is 74 and I want to help Jim. Hey Jim, what's going on? Thanks for calling sex with Emily here, John Kim, the angry therapist, but he seems pretty chill right now. What's up, Jim? Hey, what's going on, Jim? Hi, Emily, how are you? Great. How can I help you? Jim,

what's up? Just discovered I've just discovered your program. I've asked a couple months and I wish I'd met you 24 years ago because I love to talk about it. I'm 74. Okay. And my wife and I, um, have sex with marriage. She, uh, I have tried, I've tried everything. I've tried choice, but, uh, porn, uh, discussions. Okay. I don't like to talk about it. She had a, um, uh, uh, history, um, about five years ago. Okay. How old is she Jim? She has 71 got it. Okay, what did she say she has pain? Not so much pain in fact, I just got your moss

with the Carmel chocolate. Oh, good. I'm listening to you. Good. Thank you. Um, it's, it's, and, and one of the other things because of some of the medicine online, um, it's hard to make it, it's hard to make it in an erection. Right. Okay. But that, to me, it's only a small part of what you can have in terms of sexual intimacy. It sounds like maybe you're just really missing the intimacy right now.

That's not just penetrative sex. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right. And then your wife is, yeah. We're resigning to watching porn and masturbating. OK. Well, that's OK.

Well, you know, that's nothing wrong with that. But what I would love you to do is have you. Well, that's okay. You know, that's nothing wrong with that. But what I would love you to do is have you... No, I don't think so, I... Right. Well, Jim, have you asked your wife? Have you said, you know, well, what is it about sex? You know, she had a hysterectomy, and I might have cut you off there,

but I thought you were saying she had pain. Is it more like she's lost complete interest? Have you asked her, like, maybe what... Yes. She does like about sex? Okay, what does she say she doesn't want it? Yeah, it's just just a lack of interest anymore. Okay. And you know, her comment is, you know, all my girlfriends fear the same way. Yeah. And I keep saying that everything I mean, anybody, you know, you can have sex until you're eight. Yeah, you say that the other day Yeah, you can you can and so was it how was your sex life before five years ago? How was it eight years ago? Very good, okay

She was never like I thought I used to you know all my phone my buddy used to say you know the way I had all my buddies just to say, you know, the way I've had to head a story and mine never did. Right. Okay. Well, this is where I think, Jim. I think the first thing you have to do is just really just ask her like, maybe you guys could do a little walk down memory lane and be like, what, remember, we did have sex? Like, what, what, what is it that you love the most about our sex life?

Or you could just say, what's your most memorable time we had sex? Or what are the things that she, or maybe you can remember things she liked? Because maybe it is just starting slow. Maybe it's about, you know, a massage. Maybe it's drawing her bath, massaging her feet. I feel like for so many of us, we just get shut off from sex and we forget how it, because touch is so important and kissing and holding each other. And so maybe you start slow with that.

What do you think, John? Can you look how you John came? Yes. But thank you. How you John came? The end of the day. Jim, first I want to applaud you for even making this a priority, even calling in.

I love it. I think someone who's 74 and is actually talking about this is amazing, right? It's amazing. So Kudos for that. And also, it's hard to have sex when you don't feel sexy. And I wonder if because because of, you know, her past and history, all that has made her not feel sexy as a being. And so I wonder how much of this is that. So I think it would be about supporting her and making

the best that you can, making her feel sexy as a person. And of course, that's her job too. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, right, Jim, how do you think her is? How's her self esteem right now? Do you feel like she's maybe not comfortable with her body? Do you think it's any of that stuff? Well, I think there is something that she's actually, you know, she's in very good shape before. And we live in four or four different wardups.

And she is better shaped than most of them. Well, that's external. When she was, well, that's the other thing. You know, when she was 20, she was the type that when we were at the beach and she walked across the street in a bikini, all the cars stopped. And now, you know, I believe that even though I think her body is still really nice, I'm not sure she does. Yeah, I get that. She had an important job.

Okay. Do you guys ever, all right, well, I mean, Jim, I think maybe just starting the conversation with her. Tell her how sexy you think she is. Yeah. Yeah. Let her know she's sexy. Let her know that maybe if there's things that you know that do make her feel good, like pampering, going away together, finding things, if she's stressed out with work,

maybe she needs some time, because we have to remember that the brain is our largest sex organ, and we're not focused on it all it can be hardly it's really especially for women to go from zero to 60 and turn zero to turn On so it's like maybe there's ways you could slowly, you know bring her back to those feelings again A feeling pleasure and you know, yeah, and I think four-place starts when you wake up. Yeah, so staying connected Staying connected touching ask what she needs for you not just sexually, but how does she need you right now in her life? Maybe she needs more emotionally. Maybe she needs physical. Maybe she needs something going on where you could just be of support,

because I'm telling you, we learn to give to our partners in their time of need, however they need it, then you get back what you need. That's kind of how the energy works there, okay, Jim? Okay. All right, Jim. Yeah. Help that talk. You've been helpful. I have started that type of thing by getting her to let me in the shower for a few months. Oh, good. Okay. Start small. Yeah. Little baby steps, right? Like, you know, that's a thing. This is never. Thank you so much, Jim. I'm so glad you found the show.

You can find me every night. Just try the next step. It's right love. It's like five minutes a week people can just call do one step do the next thing It's tough right connecting and long-term relationships. Yeah, keeping connected. What have you learned now and You know, I think that's why things like date nights are important um I'm in front of me next to my coffee I see a sex toy here. I think a lot of people... It's not used. It's not used, okay. Especially men. I think also culturally, they feel that if they have to bring things like toys into

the bedroom, then it's going to take away from their quote-unquote manhood. I think that's also something that needs to... It's such a... Right, exactly. They're like, no, it's actually... But I understand that. I feel like a lot of what male sexuality is based on is performance.

And if they interpret a woman needing something else besides their penis, like they're failing as a man. So that's the messaging. But once we can get people over that hurdle and realize, no, actually, it feels really hot to see your partner turned on. And it can feel great for you too. Do you experience with toys? Yes, but I didn't experience toys until mid to late 30s.

Okay. But once I've discovered them, I was like, oh my god, it's like a whole new land. Right. What was I worried about? Yeah. Exactly. But I think the prevention was, again, me, the locker room talk, me thinking that if I brought a toy into the room, then it makes me less of a man.

Right. So how would you, because this is why you're here. They're here for many reasons, John Kim, the angry therapist. But I want you to talk to the men and tell them, like you're a dude, you work out, you do, what I love is you actually do cross-fit therapy sessions.

I feel like you're the kind of guy I want people to hear that like you were them. You were this every man who didn't like vibrators, maybe you didn't know out pleasing women I'm just guessing. You had anger, you had resentments. You thought you were the most important thing in the world. You did believe that if once I get the car of the job, the house, the wife, I'll be happy.

And you realize, no, none of that, all that stuff is not true. Right. And now you're here and you're successful and you have, I think you have a successful relationship. So I want to hear more about like your, just your journey of like how it, looking at you now.

Yes. How do we get men on this path? I think everything, you talk to them. Yeah, I think everything starts with, and it's a great time now to talk about this, but I think it's about working on your relationship with yourself. First, first, and during and forever, you know, and part of that is what do you like? What part of that is self-care?

Part of that is it's not just about, because I think for men, it's a lot of external, like the scoreboard, performance, corner office, what you drive instead of who you are, you know, you're worth as in how you make someone feel. But to me, that is such a big jump for in a society where men are just, it's based on what they make, how they can support you. You could almost say it's primal. Absolutely. I am my bank account.

I am my car because I am here. I have to provide for family and for people like that is who I am. I have to spread my seeds. So okay, John Kim, you're time to get in my body and feel that's bullshit I got to go out and make a living my wife wants that you know I'm saying so how do you? It for so for me it was about connecting it was about connecting to parts of me that I have locked into a hope Just because I think as we grow up we become adults we lock parts of ourselves away

So what was the first thing you opened up? So like like you mentioned crossfit right when I was 12 I used to be a bird I used to break dance and it made me feel so alive coming home from school and just spinning on my head, and I didn't have any part of a crew. And so I grew up, put my fat laces away, and then when I found CrossFit, it tapped into the spirit of that 12 year old that I had locked away,

because I was so busy trying to, you know. You're on the trap, trying to make it, trying to make it, trying to make it, trying to chase the rainbow. And so things like that, you know, then I got into motorcycles and I kind of became a whole person by connecting to parts of myself that I've locked away. And by doing so, it throws you into a journey,

a little man journey, well not a little, but a big man journey. Yeah, and then you got to slay your dragons and you start learning things about yourself, what you like, what you don't like. And I think in that space, you actually then start to talk about your feelings and talk about who you are. And then if you're in a relationship, it helps everything

because now you're in the process. So John Kim and a relationship at 46, what can you give me to example, like maybe something you would have done at 36, that you see probably a lot of your clients doing and then something not 46, like, or even. Not being there, being in my head.

Also of course in the bedroom. So, not giving me that example. Okay, you were a president bedroom maybe. So does that mean did you care about her orgasm? No. Didn't care. No. What have I said about it?

So if I cared, it was because it meant that I was more of a man because she came. Not because I wanted her to have a good experience. Wow. Today I actually want her to have a good experience, right? So. I always sometimes can men do this journey, but that was through you feeling. Yes. Wow. Today I actually want her to have a good experience, right? So I always sometimes can men do this journey, but that was through you. Yes. Feeling. Yeah. And I think part of that also, you know, being exposed to things like pornography at an early age, where a live

it's programming, you know, the stuff that you see when you're, I saw stuff like that one was 12 and it was basically, what did you see? Well, men with baby arms in between their legs. men with baby arms in between their legs. I'm like, is that a new finish point? No, making us feel inadequate. A lot of women being submissive and dominated and all of that stuff, you know? And I can't imagine today, because this was in the 80s word to get pornography.

You had to like, know somebody. Right, exactly. It was like VHS, maybe if it worked. I get it. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back even more with John Kim. Can I just say, by the way, because when we're talking about porn, I want to say, yeah, you know, as still today as a 46-year-old man, I do watch porn.

I just know it's a movie now. So I don't want to see there, you know, saying that I never watch porn or I don't know. I don't, I think that porn can be healthy. Of course. It's just, but you're like, it's, it's, it's, there's, there's distance. It's not real. It's not, that's not my ideal of, it's vanity. Right. Right. Yeah. Okay. So healthy. No, no, you're right. No, I'm telling you, this is the problem. And now, man, at 12, there's a much boys at 12. So much, it wasn't like they had to find someone who had some porn. No, it's literally just on the phone.

It's everywhere. And then also so what is going on with dating today? I feel like is it all sweat culture? I think dating is dead. I think dating is dead. I think dating is dead. Tell me more. Well, when I was growing up you had to ask someone out and then I remember getting excited

about it and watching my car and changing my six disc CD changer and all the stuff, right? So now it's, it's, oh my god, I love it. It's literally shuffling through baseball cards and lots of false advertising and there's this thing called ghosting. And I think we're allowed to hide beyond our phone. So we're not able to actually exercise the muscle to be human and to communicate and it's like, you know, this is it.

This is exactly it. We had to, I keep saying no, I can't believe I'm this person like, it was in the 90s, early 2000s, you had to go up to someone and talk to them. You had to kill your own meat, you had to go fishing. You had to work. You didn't earn it. Yeah.

It wasn't just you sat home, I had to watch a Netflix, chill in, smoke in a bowl. No, you had to go out and the muscles are just atrophy. They're gone. So the fear is all the kids growing up now, if they don't have those tools, how are they going to earn or build a relationship if they can't even, you know what I'm talking about?

Yes, this is what's good. If you're finding someone while their date is in the restroom, how are they gonna stay in a relationship and really look at themselves? Exactly, so this is the thing, but they're like, they're telling them this. Well, I think what's happening now though is there's a- But they're not listening, but they're-

There's a swell happening where I think a lot of people are now sick of the swipe culture, and there's this thing called self-partnerd, where people are like, you know what, I'm going to work on myself, and I think this is what's going to happen. I'm hoping it's what happens, to get people to kind of look inward

and go on their own self-suffering. So tell me what, okay, so that, I hope that people are doing that going to happen. I'm hoping it's what happens to get people to kind of look inward and go on their own self-suffering. So tell me what, okay, so that I hope that people are doing that because this whole journey of like, it's sort of similar to what you were saying about, we feel like something's broken if we're not dating. So like, well, it's almost like our duty on the planet is to keep dating, keep having sex, but saying, giving people permission, it's okay to slow down and say, what do I actually want? Who am I in a relationship?

Right. I think our duty is to be the best version of ourselves as possible. And I think the ripple of that is sex and all the great things that happen with sharing your life for someone else. But I don't think that's the sun we revolve around. I think we need to take the power back and go after our dreams and do what we feel is honest to us. And then if we happen to meet a partner, now we're coming in as a whole person instead of trance of fill holes. Right. Like a whole thing like I need someone to complete me. It's like you have to be the full person and before you, you know, if you're looking, I think when you were talking about how I was dating before, I definitely think I was like this person, not

they complete me, but they they fill me up in a way. I definitely think I was like this person, not that they complete me, but they fill me up in a way that I couldn't fill myself up. Yes, that could depend. It's a journey, yeah. It could be a measurement and all of that stuff. Yeah, right. So you don't do that anymore. So talk to you about some of the guys.

What I love is that you see people who got, or they come in and they do a crossfit session, you're going to hike. Oh, I've done that. Yeah, so I never had an office on purpose. And so I just started meeting people in coffee shops and On hikes and I thought like if we're gonna talk about life. Let's do life. I were talking and I called myself a coach because as a therapist You're not supposed to do that

So I'm kind of like the therapist that went rogue and still today I just get on my Harley and I'll meet you at the coffee shop and I just show up jeans t-shirt and we just shoot the shit You know, I mean of course with show up, jeans t-shirt and we just shoot the shit. I mean, of course with, behind your therapist, right, exactly. But I'm now more of a coach with a clinical background instead of a therapist that sits on the couch with you. This is exactly what I want.

I keep saying like, I've been joking this year saying, should we just before I knew you, John Cam? I've been saying, should we just tell men they need to see a coach? Because men are more likely to see a coach than a therapist. That is true,

because they file coach under performance. Right. But you know what, great, then I'll be the Trojan horse. Let's talk about your performance and then let's talk about your feelings. How do you get in there? Because I believe that for getting you in the door,

so if someone already comes in the door, or you already email zero contacts you, and they're like, I'm ready for an appointment. But they get in there and they, is there like a typical or something that you've seen a lot of lately client that comes to your patient or have you called it? You know, because of social media, they already kind of know who you are and I'm not for

everyone, right? And so when they meet me, they've already been following me for a while or watching my videos or whatever podcasting and so they know kind of what to expect. So it's not a surprise to them. And I've never seen them before, so I just show up. It's almost like a blind date. I just show up and wait for someone to approach me. I'm like, okay, let's go.

Right, and then you sit and then how does it start? Tell me why you're here. Like if you're at a coffee shop, are they comfortable? Yeah, they're a lot more comfortable than you would think. You know, I've had people cry, but I also had people just be loud. And it's almost like I take the approach like we're friends. And I've, like last week I did a couple session

in the park, Echo Park, and they brought a blanket, and I was like, this is amazing. And it was a breeze, and there's chillin' and it was like a two hour couple session that we did in the park, and I was like, this is like, I, it's not, I'm not saying it's for everyone, but it, for me, it's on. It's on us. No, it's for me too.

I think that's great. I was gonna go to the park anyway, but it's well, do therapy. Yeah, and I'm sure this therapist is listening to this thinking, like I would never do that, and then you shouldn't. But other, yeah, exactly.

Of course, but that's why you're the angry therapist. Angrytherapist.com. My question though is when they're sitting there, like a man comes to see you, they're your first meeting. Yeah. But like, I guess I'm wondering about the process. Yes, so I think also now.

Going from angry, thinking that it's all about performance to like, oh, I have feelings. I feel stuff, you know, like being like, no, there's like deep stuff you're blocking. And I take a whole life approach and I always try to figure out what's happening underneath because it's never about what they came to see me for. Exactly.

Right, so they're coming to see me for one thing and then you realize there's all the stuff underneath. Give me an example though. My wife won't sleep with me. Okay, great. Let's talk about that. And then we start to dig deeper and then there's patterns and it turns out, oh, well, because of because I cheated on her or because I one time told her this. I don't create a safe space or because I steamroller or because I don't do the dishes. I mean, whatever it is. Exactly. Okay, keep going. I'm excited.

And then through that, and I think with me, and I don't know if it's because I work out or ride a motorcycle or whatever it is, I think it can relate to me because I don't have a certain tie and I'm not coming at them. I'm coming with them. So that's always been kind of a good distinction. You're not like the experts in their time.

No. Let's have a conversation. No, I also confess of my default and I mean I do it. I practice transparency on my blog. That's what I love too. So when watching your blogs and your Instagram, the angry therapist, I was watching some of it and I love that because it's so, because people do think, well, if you're a therapist, you must just be walking through life doing everything perfectly and you have boundaries with everybody and you express your, But we're human. So the whole thing was an accident. I didn't sit down and I was like, oh, what's my brand?

So after I went through a divorce and I was the lowest point of my life, I Remember Tumblr I created a blog on Tumblr. Yeah, and I called it the angry therapist thinking no one would ever see it and my very first post Was called my fucking feelings and I just started to talk about I didn't have any friends I was in dark plays I was broke and so I just talked talking about like the pain that I was in and I think I'm pulling the curtain back and showing myself made people kind of curious like who's this weird agent you're talking about this feelings that it's also with their it's kind of confusing to them right and so I think that's what you know got people interested in this kind of different way. Right. And you never had to pretend that you weren't, you know, that you were something

other than you were. And maybe people liked that because they feel like, oh, I get him. I think it's more relatable. I think today people are more interested in who you are instead of the letters after your name. Yeah. Yeah. And so they all I know is you helped them. Like, I love that. Okay. We're going to take a call. You can call me, AAA 9 And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah.

And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, yeah. And so, the clitoris and stuff and the diagrams and I've um I'm getting your book. Okay awesome. I'm utilizing I'm utilizing your information. I'd like I have a comment for Jim that uh for John Kim I'm sorry that um that uh you know men should not consider their job and how much they earn

is their entire identity. Sure. Can you turn your radio down, Nick? Turn your radio down, Nick. Turn it down. Sorry. It's down. Cool. You might continue. We're much more than, we're much more than, you know, what we can earn and what our job and it's just what we do,

not what we are. Right. Yes, an easier said than done. I still struggle with that myself. Yeah, yeah. Right. And I still struggle with it, but you know, it's like it's something, you know, I'm, I'm a son, I'm an uncle, I'm friend, I'm friends people, you know, and that, that's who I am, you know, my recycling job, my composting job.

You know, that's what I do, it's not why. Right, right. Thanks for calling in, Nick. Bye. We have John calling from Oregon, and he's 51. He's John King. Hi, John, there's so many John's and I. Hi, John, how you doing?

Thanks for calling. What's going on? I am doing great. Good. Well, you said you wanna know who John King was. I'm just great you said you want to know who john king was i'm just on your i'm here hey john king what's up

i did earlier i was like john king yeah hi john king yeah you said i heard john king so i thought of like you know who i am hi

hello thanks john so nice talk to you i'm so glad john love having a real john king and family here that's actually thank you bye john Hello, thanks John so nice talk to you. I'm so glad John Love having a real John King and family here. That's actually thank you. Bye John You can hook me up with these diagrams of the flavors. Yeah, I guess maybe they didn't teach that in terrible soul Listen, yeah, that's the clitoris Has eight thousand nerve endings

It's the only organ that is created for fuel. It's just for fueling, I know you know. 8,000. 8,000 nerve endings and the clippers. Guys, be very careful with it. I think guys are too aggressive with it. And you wanna say guys, I'm talking to myself as well. Because 8,000 nerve endings is a lot of nerve endings.

The circumcised penis has 4,000. For purpose, just to give you context. Wow, right, so double. Double, exactly, you're good you context. Yep, so double. Double, exactly. Stop biting it, guys. Don't bite it unless she wants you to bite it. Do you believe that? So when you were saying, when you were the 10,

John came 10 years ago, you were like, it's about your orgasm, your pleasure, but now are you in a relationship? I am. You're in a relationship. So do you feel like now it's, you've kind of realized it, like her pleasure is important. I just wonder how men can make, it was more about learning.

I wonder also part of it is just being 46, you know, it's because it takes more than the wind now. And also I'm not just thinking about orgasms, but like, by me dinner, like hold me. Like I'm actually softening as a being. So there's part of that happening as well. So it kind of slows down and makes you explore instead of-

Do you want her to buy you dinner? Yeah, I'm just kidding. Okay, I don't know. We were talking about that all night. We're like, who pays, who does it? Oh, right, right. I just meant that when you're in your 20s, all you want to do is bang.

Bang, put it in. So I don't know what to do here. Because I've got this staff of amazing people people a lot of them are in their 20s Christmas intersaries Branden 20 okay, and then they're going on dates and they're swiping it's fine as they should they have an exercise the muscles It's fine then they they're telling the guys their meeting. I'm like okay, do I even need to he's 26 or he's 24 So he hasn't done the work yet. Yeah, are they do they have to just wait till they're 10 years Well, this is a generalization.

What do we do with the 20th millennials? And Kristen wants to get married in a week. She hasn't met the guy yet. She's 32. I really do. She's 30. Well, 30. Toodah.

Oh, she wants, but it's like, anyway, what do we do with that? I think, I think. Because they're not 40s yet. And I think men turn the corner a little bit later than women. I think around 26 women start turning the corner They ask different questions. They want different things. They want substance. They want eye contact Right, they want men. I think like 32 30 maybe so if you're doing it if you're dating someone who's 26 You just have to know that that's he that's it. I'm not saying that all men are like that for me

You that if they're 26 they're like they might not Yeah, I'm not saying that I'll be like that for me. You, that if they're 26, they're like, they might not. Yeah, and I'm not saying that they're like, I'm just saying, I'm like Jamie's not, we've been working together for four years. She's 26, she hears me, but like, I'm like your parents, ask your father. So if you date someone who's like 24?

No, never. Well, but I'm saying, you're gonna get a 24 year old, probably. But he may be mature and he may have, I you're gonna get a 24 year old probably, but you know, he may be mature and he may have, you know, I'm not saying that a 24 year old can't have a healthy relationship, but if he's playing video games, he's also 24. Yeah, no exactly. I mean, I dated someone recently was 37 and that was still, he was still not up to par with me. Yeah, my ex was 39 and he was still playing video games.

I was 35 picking my nose and having no, you know, like no sense of self purpose. We had to go through the, but what about the guys? They called the Peter Pan syndrome. Do you see these guys who are into their 40s are? They're like, oh, I just, but they, they haven't had anything tragic happened. They never even committed to get brokenhearted. They know and died. So they're still like kind of on their 40 something path. I think they're not like wanting to feel. Yeah. And I think today it's the internet has made it worse because now we're able to really not grow up, you know.

I think that back in the day in the 50s, when we had these very hard definitions of what a man looked like, I think part of what was kind of cool with that was you entered your manager in the earlier, then today where you can be 37, you know, the Peter Pan, not grow up, not have a job, you know, whatever. And then what happens, they just kind of find someone

who's equally, who doesn't really need stuff from them. No, I think what they don't realize is that they're losing time and then when they're gonna be 50 and they're gonna be like, oh, okay, now I'm looking for something. Now I want something that's bigger than me. Yep. And then you're seeing that in your client sometimes. Oh, all the time.

In the 50s, we say like. And I think a lot of women are frustrated. That's a big time. I get a lot of frustrated women. Do you? Yeah, so my next book's called Single On Purpose because of this frustration. That's me.

Not even because frustration. I mean, yes, but part of it, but yes, single on purpose and single is fine. I want to change single. I love the, the, the, being alone is one of the bravest acts and one of the biggest commitment to yourself and self pleasure that you can do. And I think it's important.

Yeah, and it's time to, I'm going to read your next book. What's it, what's it? It's not about anti-relationships. It's about a pro-relationship with self. Yeah. Okay, a pro-relationship with self. All right, I like it.

Okay, I gotta ask you the five quicky questions. We ask all of our questions. Quicky questions, okay. Ready? John Kim. Biggest turn on. The mind. Biggest turn off. Errogance. What makes good sex? God, communication. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Throw away all your definitions and blueprints. Number one sex tip. and chips. Throw away all your definitions and blueprints. Number one, sex tip. Oh, shit, sex tip. Kiss. More kissing. Yes. I love it.

Okay. Thank you for being here. You think you can find you the angry therapist.com. Check out your book. Yes. And Drony Coaching, J.R. and I, if you want to check out the coaching. We'll put this on the show notes. We go to sex and we dot com and you click on the show notes will have all the links

to all your things thank you for having me thank you for being here or guys uh... thanks to my awesome team can christian elisa brian producer jayby and michael was good for you email me feedback at sex with mla dot com at sexwithamlade.com.