Sex With Emily - Mapping Out Your Pleasure with Dolly Josette

Episode Date: March 16, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sexological bodyworker Dolly Josette to talk about how people can really get reconnected to their body and their sexual energy. They discuss what the heck vulva-mapping is and how can it help you and your partner get acquainted with your body, how you can work together to have the most pleasurable experiences possible, and why masturbation is the motivation. Plus, did you know – you can have an EARgasm?! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, Apex, Woo More Play, SiriusXM, Gainswave Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more info on Dolly, click here. For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On Today's show, I'm joined by a sexological body worker, Dali Jozet, and we discuss how people can really get reconnected to their body and their sexual energy. Topics include, What the heck is vulva mapping and how can it help you and your partner get acquainted with your body? Did you know you could have an eargasm? I mean, who knew? Mastervation is the motivation, keeping sex top of mind, and how partners come work together to have the most pleasurable experience as possible.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Our sacred institutions, betrubized, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but all of it? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

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So I hope you enter right now. I hope you enjoy this interview with pleasure muse, Dali Jozette. She's a sexological body worker, enjoy the show. I am so excited to welcome the pleasure muse. Dali Jozette's here. Dali is a certified, somatic, sexological body worker, somatic, a practitioner.

She helps people discover their erotic potential in their bodies, get into their physical and emotional needs. And so, if you're someone like most of you listening, who would rather watch Netflix and have sex, I know I see you, I've been there, and you want to know what it's actually and intimately with your partner, Dali can talk to us about that.

She actually sees people in LA in Los Angeles. What I love about Dali is we always talk to her about people and it's called the Pleasure Muse. Right, Dali on Facebook and all that. Yes. It's at the Pleasure Muse.com and at Pleasure Muse on Instagram. That's right. So and Dali's been on the show before,

you can check out our podcast, but here's the thing about Dali is that she actually embodies all the things that we talk about. Dali's in a marriage, she's married, and she's gone through challenges, but she knows so much, but she's taught me a lot about being in my body, getting out of my mask, and energy, being in the feminine.

She is truly, she walks out and she gives people pleasure. And she teaches them about their own pleasure. Dolly, welcome to the show. So great to be here. Thank you. I'm so glad you're here. You look beautiful and you brought us snacks. Oh, I know, I love macarons.

I love macarons. Last time Dolly was here, she was on a podcast two years ago. She came in and she did a lap dance for me. Well, it's like, let's get our into our bodies and you're in our dreams. Because she really is sexy dance. But when we were into Sheila Kelly, we did some pole dancing workshops

because you guys, a lot of, you know, I talk on the, I'm here talking to all of you about your sex life, but the huge missing component, and I'm gonna say it's a lot for women to men too, but let's talk about women for a second is that we get completely disconnected from our bodies and so dancing and movement and masturbation and doing things that get you into your body so you feel connected again.

That's the key word is connection. We walk around so disconnected that Dali is trying to teach me, I teach myself, you might have to, I have my new meditation masturbate manifest thing I'm doing every day. I love that. So Dali helps people connect too. So what are you seeing right now with a lot of your people? How do we get more connected? Well, it's interesting because I see the spectrum

from 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. I even have clients in their 70s. It's awesome. I love it. I love it. I just love it. I just want to continue to enjoy pleasure and keep discovering. But what I notice a lot that gives me

the biggest sense of sadness is the people in their 20s and their 30s, really coming into me saying, I've never had an orgasm. I prefer porn to people. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do or what I think, but I don't really feel, it just feels numb and I don't feel like

really connected. So is this sex? Is this what it is? Wow. Yeah. And so it really blows my mind. And I see it differently, like with people coming out of marriages or pre-menopausal or kind of that after kids thing, where they're wanting to reclaim their pleasure. They've maybe put some things on side. Kids may be came first. They're reconnecting with their partners. So it's different, but similar in that how do we get people reconnected? How do we? I think we've just moved into the stage of instant gratification. Everything is like here and now.

So we want to, I don't, I'm serious. Can we say what you say? You say whatever you want. Yeah, girl. So we want to fuck faster. Yeah. And we just want to get off, you know, in a way that, is it really about connection? Like, what, who is it for?

Who is your touch for? Is it really just to get off, who is it for? Who is your touch for? Is it really just to get off, to get to sleep? What is disconnected sex? Yeah. It's, you know, when there's no eye contact, when you're getting off just to go to sleep, to move, to move quicker, to move faster, to, there's no anticipation. Right. There's no build up. And this whole thing with, you know, text messaging and Instagram, those all are amazing tools. But when we think about our sex life

and we wanna put it on steroids and get faster, quicker, harder, wetter, the wetter, you need to go slower. It's true. So let's talk about the bill. Because you're saying quick fix. When I hear quick fix, I'm like, there need to go slower. It's true, so let's talk about the bill, because you're saying quick fix. When I hear quick fix, I'm like, oh, there goes the foreplay, there goes the making out,

there goes the oral. But what we're saying is, is that anticipation, the build up, the teasing, is that sweet spot. I feel like, Dali, you're so good at slowing things down and teach, you actually teach people how to seduce and to tease. And wherever it works for them, not like a form, this way I love to put down is that she's like, can read your energy in a way. Yes, we're here in

California, but that's the best way I can say it and in Taylor, it's what works for you. So how would you teach that to, like I know you work with couples also. So whatever would be a great example of teaching a woman or a couple how to build anticipation again. Well, depending on where they are and the stage of their relationship, one of my favorite stories is this one couple was going to break up. They were going to break up because he couldn't give her an orgasm and it's this idea that he has to give her something which is already like backwards. But I don't want to shame people. Oh, we think that.

I thought that. I just think it was a guy's responsibility. I didn't know it was my job. My job. Yeah, that was my side. So knowing your body, but you know, and that's just what's people think. Yeah.

And then she was feeling inadequate. Like she was broken. Something's wrong with her. So they called me, and I always love to do work, first if I can with a woman by themselves. And I do what's called in my sex logical body work, we do genital mapping. So I do to vulva mapping with her. And she was really shy. And I said, I work with whatever, just come with yoga pants and we'll just see what's happening. So we did, I gotta jump in, Dally vault mapped my vulva.

And yes, I did. So, okay, so this takes over pants, gets on the table, right, or no. And she wasn't ready to. Oh, I was like, Dally, Dally and I are friends. It was not sexual. I'm like, I wanna do it. All my legs were up.

Okay, I don't wanna jump ahead. Okay, but what we look for, what we look for with genital mapping, and if somebody's not ready to take their pants off If they're not ready like I believe I trust that even my vulva Then then we can start on the outside and it's really just kind of retraining and getting their nervous system safe But just teaching like cupping the vulva breathing in and then I started to teach different touching just Connecting with her rectile tissue on the outer lips through her yoga pants.

So it's not sexual, like, Daly, let me just back up. Daly wasn't, I didn't even orgasm with Daly. Daly was, that's a separate thing that the vulva mapping is. And this is also to teach her her own arousal. Daly's not like, this is about teaching a lot. Getting a lot of agency. So number one, we're gonna get to the sexy. We're gonna get to the erotic,

especially when she brings in her boyfriend. But the thing about it is until you know how to play your body like an instrument, until I say, Emily, I have a serotonous zone right here on my neck. And if you just come over to it slowly and just do a little hot breath, and maybe just have a little bit of my hair hit it.

Then I'm going to just like feel like this whole train of orgasmic channel like move through my back. And I've like mastered and worked it. I can just imagine you're doing that. I can like feel it. Wow. But it's, but it's knowing my body. So that's what like agency is. It's like I know my spots

That really feel amazing and when you are my partner, I'm gonna say hey, this is what feels really good I would you like to check that out. Right. So that's what it is. So with this particular girl She was nervous and of course bless her heart. This is like what you're gonna do Why? Right. So once she felt safe with me and then I started going over the yoga pants she's going, oh, oh, Oh, well, could we take these off? Right. Oh my God. See? So then I was like, sure, let me get my gloves on because it's one way touch. And if we do touch genitals, it's with gloves. So we we've all will mapped her.

And we thankfully she didn't have any pain because sometimes we have to remediate pain. Let's talk about if you won't continue with the story but then we'll pop back over to that. But then she we found three rodgina spots. She has homework. So I'm all about embodied masturbation like truly breath and movement and I guide you and and we can do things in the office But it's you know a lot of self-study too and what are you learning because we want to break you out of your habits So then I we brought in her her boyfriend and then I taught him to volva map her and it was unbelievable She's like no More like how do I touched Because he was moving really fast.

People generally touch the way they like to be touched. So he's touching her a lot quicker. So I just hold his hand just over her vulva. Again, asking her maybe to push her body in. And then I say, okay, now do this a little harder. The cupping over the vulva is a key move. We key move. It's just rested with your hands.

Be for sex. After sex. After care, pre-care. Yes, that's a great way of putting it. I've never said that. I love that. And it's just like really relaxes and you'll see the woman's like legs just even open up even more. It's cup it. Yeah, it feels so validating. It's so, but because you're like, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. It's Rounding. Yeah, and so I feel like my vulva just got cups in here Tell it comes in the room and my whole vulva just it just sighed It just took a little break Not to get a massage. It's amazing, but it's true Just like it's like when you put your hand on someone's head or their forehead you go, ah, you feel safe

Yeah, so you taught them that how to touch her and how to pray. And then it progressed and then he was surprised at how hard some of the areas that she actually like to be touched. Where were those air? Where were those air? Because every woman's different. And every woman's different. So you found out examples where are they giving them?

So for her in particular, with the cupping, she really liked the pressing on the pubic bones. Yes. And then really once he started to touch right on the entrance kind of of the entroidus which is the vagina opening, the vaginal opening. So this whole thing when I do vulva mapping I touch a body part and I do, it's a somatic learning so I'll touch it and I say it. So we're learning anatomy. We're learning that you have you know of a Clotoral shaft, you know about the clotoral legs, the vestibular bulbs. I mean women have five um um erectile beds. Yeah, I know we've right five five five of them. Oh my God. Guess what?

What I just discovered we have more we do more than five. We have a erectile bed in our ears I didn't know it's I mean your gas. I'm you did totally did I'm so getting off topic But like we have more and men have them too and I learned that we have them in our nose So this is why I think this whole thing of smell Yeah, and then when do people do do come and talk into your ear, but I'll have to oh hot. It's like ridiculous. What's possible when you start opening your body

up to the possibilities? So back to the story, they went off for their homework. They had, you know, continuing this for the next two three nights. They called me three nights later. And they said, we have continued to lab, to play and figure this out. And we have been making love and she has had orgasms. And she never will. Not with him. And she had with, that's what was weird. She kind of had before, but their bodies were still

getting to know each other. Right. And she thought something's wrong with me. Uh-huh. Women do that. We think it's our fault. Yeah. Yeah. We do. And then they called me like six months later and their gum got engaged and got married. Oh my god. And here this was a couple who was going to break out. Wow. That's amazing, Dali.

Because it's such a different side of it. Because like you're giving tips and talking but you actually walk them through it, which is just so amazing because this is what I tell you all that what you guys know about sex now is so limited. Like we scratch the surface of our potential, our potential for pleasure, our potential for connection, like all the places on our body.

And that's why I love this, what Dali's doing, the sexological body work, somatic, all of it. It's a journey, because I was thinking about it. I was thinking about, if I like talking about disconnected sacks and all this instant gratification, like back in the day, right? Okay, I'm aging myself now.

You know, they're handwritten letters. I hear the emails and all of that kind of stuff where it takes a little longer. And I always had out of state boyfriends. So I really, let me tell you, this is my so fucking good about build up and anticipation because I always had a long distance relationship. Yeah, maybe. And I think also that contributed

to why I'm really amazing with masturbation. Because you have to use your fantasy. Exactly. I have a great fantasy. I'll let me tell you. Bad dolly. Dolly's sexy little mix. She is, she is. I just love Dolly. Illy's sexy little mix. She is, she is.

I just love Dolly. I mean, really, but the quick and fast sex, you know, there's a time and a place for it. I don't wanna bring shame to people because there is a time where you have curiosity, right? You wanna understand. But sometimes you just have to look at why are you doing this? Are you looking for it for validation?

Are you looking at it just to learn to try something new? These are all okay reasons, but at some point, you're gonna say, I want something else. And that's when you pick up some great books. I'm sure you've recommended. That's when you listen to MLA. That's when you come to see somebody like me. And I'm not the only one.

There's amazing sex educators out there. I still go, see sex educators. I was just recently seen my sex logical body worker. I also just went to do the subdom class. That's right. I'm gonna say go, oh my god, damn it. I know, I'm thinking. There's always things to do.

We are never done. Yeah. We are never done. I met Dolly because I was doing a somatica somatica therapy training in San Francisco Three years ago it was intense. It was like every other month for five six days We I mean, yeah, and I'm never I'm doing the time. Yeah, you're never done learning. I'm still in therapy again Different kind but we're never done even as practitioners because we want to bring Dali's been going and doing it for a long time I mean since you've been in this because, let's just say the last five years you've been doing this or four, this kind of works.

Yeah. But before that, like you were not having, you didn't know your friggin' dentist net breath. She wasn't born knowing that someone talks into her ear and you had to discover it. It's like taking a timeout and just having this lab with yourself. You know, when I did my sex logical bodywork training, like truly we had a marathon of what they call orgasmic yoga practice. Another easier way to say it is just mindful masturbation or embodied masturbation.

And we had to do this every day. And the things you have to bump up against if you really take on the homework. It just starts to unfold and you start noticing things. Listen, I had a client the other day, we were working on giving touch and receiving touch, and there's a touch called taking, when you're just like taking for your pleasure. And I was about, we were saying, okay, what kind of touch do you want? I want you to touch me, okay, great. And this was just over close. And we were teaching him how to express things to his girlfriend because he was feeling

a lot of shame asking for things. So we want to break down that shame and say it's okay to ask for something. But it was interesting because I was going to do a taking touch, which the touch was for me. I can do whatever I want. And I just started to warm up my hands and I stopped I was like oh my god I just need to take a minute. He said why I said I'm warming up my hands because I live in the giving quadrant I'm like this ultimate giver right but I was doing it for your comfort, so you didn't have to feel the coldness of my fingers. So it was like this light bulb where it's really actually very hard for me to be a taker.

I know. That's why I really enjoyed that subdom class because you really get into this power where I'm like a gentle dog. I like it. It's a whole another way of being I like it, but it's a whole other way of being. And that helps me get into my taking mode. And when you and I did that dancing, Meshila Kelly, then you're taking the movement, and taking in a different way. The music, if I put rock and roll music on, my body moves differently.

Not like gentle, giver, nurturing dolly. Then I get rock and roll, like naughty provocateur. Exactly. We've been through a lot together. Dallin and I, we've done the dancing, we've done the class, we've done the, we've done a lot of different things, Dallin. You inspire me for sure.

I have a question now. When we're talking about though, this disconnection, I often tell women and men, like what about bringing that energy within a couple? Like do you think our erotic energy is something that we have to find on our own or do you work, and couples kind of together you can kind of help them stoke that erotic energy? It depends. One time I had a couple come in and it was really interesting because

they did a full day with me, but the first thing that we did was the vulva mapping and it was really hard because when I was working with her, I didn't get a chance to work with her. She was not really dropping into her own body. She kept saying, well, what do you think, honey? Well, what do you think? Oh, it's so hard to let go, right? It was so hard.

And then when I was teaching him to work on her, he said, oh, are you gonna make her so picky? So there was like, all the way up. Oh, a lot of stuff, like in between the lines, like there was already under things of like, he's felt rejected, she's been needy and right. You can get along. So that made me think that,

that changed the way I like to work. Sometimes people don't have a choice if they travel to see me. But then I really like to see if a person can have their needs, what are their issues. Couples, even if we don't do body work, I can see a lot when I just have them do eye work with each other. The first just staring to be otherwise eyes.

That is the most, but that was the first thing we did during our training. Yeah, because you're looking for their style of attachment. Are they're securely attached if they want to go off? Have you told through their eyes staring? Well, and then you can also start to see if there's a little bit of trauma or things going underneath. But this one couple, she couldn't, every time she was looking at her husband, she would just do like this. She would just look away. She couldn't stay there. Wow. And she had, as it turned out, there was some trauma that came up.

But it was interesting that I said, let me just take a chance and a you and I look to each other and she was able to be there. So there was just some things that started to arise that in her nervous system, she was just even nervous and this was her husband. Yeah. So imagine how that's affecting, you know, in their day to day. But with couples playing around and seeing how they talk to each other, how they can flirt with each other.

You teach them, you teach the flirting. It's one of my ideas. I know she's like a natural flirt. You teach about the flirting and then I wanna hear about the porn thing too, what you do with men who, we are gonna take a break. We'll stay for a little bit. But I want to know about teach us all how to flirt and talk dirty.

But then also how you get men off porn if they're addicted to porn. Dolly Jozette's here. The pleasure muse. She helps people feel more pleasure in their bodies and in their life. Dolly Jozette's here, the pleasure muse. Hello. She helps people feel more pleasure in their bodies and in their life. And it works. We're all here like mouth-to-gate. The girls here have not met her.

So I'm so excited. She's a dear friend. She lives in LA. She sees people one-on-one, too. We'll put this in the show notes so you can find her. But I just love her advice and having ground. So we can take a call and then she's going to tell us about what to do about porn. Yeah. So we got Melanie.

She's 50 from California. She's got a question about menopause. Hey Melanie. Hey Melanie, how you doing? Thanks for calling. Hi. How are you? Good.

You could turn off a speaker that'd be great. Oh, wait. Yeah, because I got you on my car phone. Can you hear me better? Yeah, it's a little better now. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, I have a question. I've been with my husband. We've been together since I was 22 and he's 21. I never had a problem having an orgasm ever. But since I hit 47, I've been losing my sensitivity. Yeah. and it's at the point where I only have like a 10% of feeling down there.

And it's like I'm totally losing my sensitivity as my... Yeah. Well, it's the estrogen. That's what's happening. It's like the loss of estrogen. I mean, this really is happening with women. So have you gone to see your doctor or anything? Yeah, she did put me... See, I'm having a period about every four months. Okay. If you put me on something called Pramp Pro, but it caused me to be like, don't do that. Okay.

Yeah, I go know get off of it. Okay, Dali's gonna, okay, no, Dali, we've got some things here for you, but you know, we're gonna have to say goodbye because it's really loud for you on speaker, but I think we're, tell me your name is Melanie. Melanie. Melanie, we're gonna help you off air. I mean, when you're off the phone,

but we're gonna keep talking. Okay, Dali, yeah. So I keep talking to Melanie. Yeah, keep talking to Melanie. So Melanie, one of the tricks that sex logical body workers do is we do what's called remediation. And our biggest ally is castor oil. The trick that sex logical body workers do is we do what's called remediation.

And our biggest ally is castor oil. There's what's called recinalic acid in castor oil and it helps with inflammation. It helps to re-loobricate the vulva and it helps also to strengthen the tissue. Because what happens at your stage is the tissue start to thin and you lose lubrication. I'm right there with you sister. It's something that I'm dealing with as well and our bodies change. And it's a fact of life and sometimes it doesn't sound so sexy but you know what? When you can have an education about it and there's something I'll talk about with Emily down the road,

but I just had my husband help me with some remediation that was actually very sexy. I have a video to show you later. Oh my God, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for husband. Yeah. But what you can do for your own self

is just to get some cast oil and do some application externally, just starting to kind of touch all your parts from outer to inner. And then the trick that we do is get an organic tampon without an applicator. It has to be organic. So sprouts, whole foods carries them. And then soak it in the caster oil.

Let it soak for like five minutes, roll it around, and then put it inside of you for about 20 minutes. So do that a couple of times. And then there's this other thing that you can do called vaginal steaming. There's lots of herbs. There's a woman. The V-Stame. There's a woman, awesomesteamychick.com, I think.

You can get a system for your own house. Maybe go see if you can find a spa that has one and see if you like it first. I haven't done it yet, Dully. Okay, that's another date we got. I know, she's like, hey, I VST, I get these things from Dolly. You wanna go to a subclass? Wanna go to get your vagina steamed tonight?

It's amazing. Dolly's up on all the things. So you've told me about Casper all before. That can help for sure, I think, with lubrication and rebuilding the in the wall, but there's also like, I don't know what a doctor gave her. Sounds like it's some kind of synthetic hormones.

Well, I mean, you know, there are, I think, bioidentical, yeah, bioidentical. Or better. Or is a little bit better. And you have to just be careful to with estrogen if that, if you have breast cancer in your family, just be super careful. But in terms of just the natural way way getting down there and just having that touch to start bringing back sensitivity.

And then we can get your husband to teach you some amazing vulva mapping and just really bring back a lot of sensation to all of your parts so that it's not just about penis and vagina, but getting all of the other elements activated. So how do you know, no matter what age someone is, Dali? Let's talk about that activation of a rousal and teasing and just stroking and all the things. So what happens with porn? I'm gonna bring it back to porn.

Yeah, bring it back to porn. So what happens with porn, just like Instagram, just like all the likes on Facebook, whatever, it's their dopamine hits. So you just like dopamine, dopamine like all the likes on Facebook, whatever, it's their dopamine hits. So you just like dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, I get it, I get it. So it's like, oh my God, porn, you can have sex with, you know, 50 women in five minutes.

Exactly, such a virtual reality porn. Yeah, it's like all this intense, intense, intense. But what you're doing is you're actually limiting your hormonal like waterfall. So you're not activating the nitric oxide. You're not activating the oxytocin, so you become a dopamine addict. Right, for the born. Right. So we have to kind of, you know, the biggest thing that I like to tell porn watchers is to become more embodied, stand up when you're watching porn. Why? Because then

you start moving your whole body. If you stand up, if you're standing up, so I'm not saying that women don't watch porn. Absolutely. There's porn that I like to see. But let's say we're talking about a man and they're just watching it too much. And they're up at the front. Hand on penis, that's it.

So stand up, move your laptop up higher, and start to move your body. Start to breathe. Start to just see what you notice. Maybe then you're going to move off the pears off the porn and then maybe put on some music. If you start activating your whole body you're going to start to notice and feel other things. People who do this, the man who founded

a sex logical bodywork as a profession, he does this whole thing called porn yoga. And he had people really do this and really commit to watching porn so for so long, standing up and then over time, what consistently happened is the porn became less interesting to them because their body started like activating and moving and they started to feel more pleasure throughout their whole body. So we wanna break the dopamine addiction and we want to actually move and feel the pleasure

and expand it just from our genitals and move it throughout the rest of the body. That can really happen. That is a practice to feel very intently the pleasure throughout in our genitals and its spreads. Because I think we are so focused on that. He didn't quit at orgasm, men and women or these ones spots in what Dali's just when I always say

things are expansive and sexually, this is what she teaches. I have to find all those pleasure spots on our body. Good point Dali. Do we, should we take a call? We got James, he's 29 from Florida. He has a question about giving his girl an orgasm. Okay, James. Hi, James.

We'd love to help you. You have two orgasm experts here. I'd like to say I'm a new listener. I just started listening to you tonight and so far I really love the show. So glad, thank you. Welcome to the show. We're on every night, weekdays. I'll definitely put it in. Well my question is I've been with my girlfriend for about

four years now and we have tried everything. We've tried different lubricants. We have tried excessive amounts for play everything and we cannot achieve orgasm for her. She has achieved orgasm with her men in her past, so it's not an issue of her. She's winning her as well. But we're just kind of in a lot. I mean, the book played a lot of the masturbation for her, it doesn't work. We tried using vibrators, toys, and nothing seems to work. And you know, I'm starting to kind of feel like maybe it's me. No, it's not you.

See, this is what we do, because often we want our partners feel so much pleasure and then we feel bad that it's us. It's not you at all. It's the, I love that you're both working on it together, but I would say that she's got to spend some time alone Also figuring out her body and masturbating and figuring out because there's a lot of pressure if you're there with her and you're both doing it I've tried to do those exercises trying to find my G-Spot with a guy. I was like, nope

I'm gonna find this on my own and bring it back to you. So it sounds to me like It's four years, a long time. And so I think we got to switch something up. What do you think, Dali? Yeah, I think maybe taking it off the table as the goal to get to. Because what happens is that that just becomes a goal and frustration and insecurities come up. Yes.

So have the journey, like instead of, you know, like take the coast highway and then just see what happens. One of the things that's really nice is to start to overload the body with sensation. So one of the things that is a nice little trick that I like to do is those little underbed handcuffs that you like to put underneath the mattress. Yeah. I have those sports sheets that are called their underbed restraints. You gave me the name for my anniversary. I didn't connect underneath for some reason. Okay. I'll give you more. No, but I found my old one. I dropped off loop at her. I dropped off. Yeah.

So this idea to just like bring her full body to pleasure. So it's an idea. It doesn't mean you have to have this tool, but it's fun because if she's kind of has her arms tied on her legs, but everything is about consent. If she needs to know what her yes is. We've tried the tying before and we got a little bit closer with it. Let me say it well for her, she always feels uncomfortable masturbating for whatever reason. She doesn't like to discuss it with me. That's the issue. Right there. Stop talking. Stop talking. me, but That's the issue. That's the issue.

Right there. Stop talking. Stop talking, issue. That's the issue. So there's shame there. She has to unravel. Right. And the shame is preventing her from actually being able to let go and surrender to the full orgasm.

And there's something going on, but it's peculiar because of the fact that she has orgasm to other men and not with you. But you also sound like an incredible man. You sound really safe on the phone. There might be something that she actually feels like she can do some healing right now. And we have to look at sex is great for fun. Sex is great for pro creation, but sex is also healing. It's very healing.

And so there's something going on in your dynamic that she's actually probably feeling free that she can actually look at this in a deeper level. I mean, four years later, man, and you are there loving her, calling on a show, trying to figure this out. I have goose bumps. We've been together for 10 years, but I was separated due to work, and it was basically a long distance relationship until the last four years. Yeah, okay.

So you guys, again, it's a long time to be together, so I think you're right though, she has something she doesn't want to talk about that intensely, that's something that she has to work on right now. Yeah, and there's there's some sexological body workers in Florida. There's a I think the website is sex logical bodyworkers.org. I'll make sure Florida or using California. No, no, he didn't you say you were in Florida? Yeah, California. Oh Florida. Okay. Got it. And and so there there are I know one that's okay. I can fly. Oh, oh, we have a friend. Yeah, she's our name. Dragonfly. We studied sex. She's legit. Yeah, and she didn't just do somatic. She's a sex bottle. Yes.

So, um, so there's just a lot of learning and a lot of unraveling. So something has been triggered that she's not able to let go, but she feels safe enough to explore the place. So she can learn to undo this wiring, so she can learn to have pleasure again. If we get tripped up, right, something happened and it got stuck. And the other thing though too,

is because in this other hat I wear, when I'm not working on people's bodies, but I'm looking at how are you showing up? Like how are you showing up in this relationship? We also wanna make sure that your outside persona versus your bedroom persona, it's great that they're safety, there's great that there's consent,

but we also wanna see how can we get you a little bit more in your cock. So I'm going to get Dalek as a true, is there a way that you could be more stand up more and be more not forceful, but like like like Cochvent is the main part of a book that one of our teachers wrote a Cochvent, I have it here on the shelf. Yeah, that book Cochvent. Cochvent is the little difficult for me is, you know, she always wants me to be the man that one of our our teacher to come for this i have it here and i've got book pocket it's a little difficult for me is you know she always wants me to be the man

and take charge you know in the bedroom and there's times when i would like to be dominated a little bit yeah this is a whole right uh... right i know Emily you spoke earlier about uh... promise and how well do you recommend that because i've've tried KY's brand. Because I've been thinking about that. No, it's much better than KY.

I'm friends with the owner. Promessant is for PE, it's a quickly absorbing delay spray. Promessant is the only FDA-approved treatment for pre-reprojection. I've been working with them for six, seven years. I know the owner and they came to me. I'm like, that does really work. So I know a lot about it.

And everyone, I mean mean I've not heard anyone Emailing and saying they didn't like honestly. I've just I I absolutely recommend them with my full part in confidence Okay, I think maybe that part of the issue because we've had times when we've gotten almost to that point and You and you don't last long But it but I don't think that that okay, maybe but there's a lot of other things going on here. And there's different sexual styles too. One of my colleagues, Gia, she did this thing called erotic blueprints

and she talks about sexual style, kinky, energetic, sensual. And it's almost like love languages, but for sex. And if you all are kind of hitting on different places then you're speaking a different sexual language than she can receive. So for example my husband is sexual. It's like he's just game on. And I'm stacked essential, energetic, kinky and then sexual. So we have all this work to do to get to my turn on. But he's one of us. And that sounds like us as well. Yeah, but you could do the work to get there.

Yeah, so once we discovered this, I did some one-on-one work with Jaya. One of her conferences, it was amazing once I discovered my language and how my body spoke, when I'd come home, I'd say, honey, I have a bath running for you. I'm like, oh, thank you. So all of a sudden, my sensual was spoken to and my needs were getting taken care of because I'm the one, honey, you want a bath? Honey, let me get you dinner. Let me do this.

I'm like such that role of wifey. Emily can attach. Yes, she brought us macaroons. She's the most caretaking person in the world with the world. But at the same time, he knows that if he wants to activate my sexual or get me in a place to have my body nurtured with lotion or oils, then he speaks a little bit to that energetic where he's moving and slowly, he's not too fast and then he may be the kinky, that's why we do those tie-ups for the bed.

And so then he's incorporating the sensual and the room is lit and all of these things and my body just gets overloaded, but you know what he does? What? He says, I'm not gonna give you my cock. And I throw your back for it. Really?

And that my dear is the anticipation. He just says that after all. No, no, when we did that one particular night. Right. Oh. Because he's just like, it's like that whole thing with the denial. Denial, yeah.

And that's the thing with this instant gratification and just getting to sex and everything. It's like teasing like you want it, but then you can't get it. I mean, listen, I got hooked with him. The first night we met, we met on match.com, right? So then we have this date, and then we go to, after our date, we had like some appetizers and drinks,

then we went to Gdiva, and he bought a couple of pieces of chocolate, and he handed me my chocolate really close to my lips. We did nothing when in Kirsten, it was our first meeting and he was holding it real close to my lips and I just looked up at him and then I said, well, I'd like to share my chocolate with you too. He's like, well, would you like a bite of mine? So we just did this like really like prolonged biting

of each other's chocolates like right next to the the the the finger right what is that and then I could just see the shape of his lips and it was just like the almost hot non-kiss kiss wow the first time you met but it and that's how and then we said goodbye and then no, he walked me to get the car and I was like, is he going to kiss me? And then but I just loved that lingering. I did not, he came in and I just kind of turned my head for a hug and then we went off. But that's the thing that the lingering, the trees, the trees. So once we kind of know each other's language of our sexual language, he can kind of feed into it. But you know, I felt bad for him the other night.

Okay, well thank you, James. James Salon. James, you're awesome. I think we helped him a lot. I think so. Okay, James, we're going to be figures all of a sudden. I'm glad you found the show. Okay, go ahead. I love Dallin, Jason. Go. Keep going. Thanks, James. Yeah, I felt bad about the other night. He said something and I said earlier with our Melanie, Menniposal, um, lady that, you know, I'm going through my stuff and I'm, my libido is like changing and I'm like figuring this out and he goes, you know, honey, I'm trying

to do all the sensual stuff. I'm trying to figure this out. He goes, but I just, I had this dream last night. I woke up and I was feeling really sexual. And I have shame for it. And I felt terrible. I was like, you know what? You should not have shame for being your sexual.

That is amazing. And so just because I have my, now we know my language, just listen, for like nine years, seven years before I discovered this other aspect, I was always feeding his sexual, right? Because that's what we do. You know, it's like, oh, he's going to like this, he's going to like that. And of course I had enjoyment too, but once I learned my body, I could actually build

more trust, more intimacy. I wasn't crossing my own boundaries with things and I was able to open up and we were able to deepen our intimacy, deepen the orgasmic potential, all these things. But the other night, I was like, you're chewing so much, you're so amazing. And so, I love that Jason says he's like, I have guilt around this. I love him so much. They truly are like my favorite couple like I joined them on their anniversary. I mean not that way, but I would of maybe. Yeah. You just have me so in captured right now. What was the recommendation to find out your sexual language?

What was it that you said? There's a lot of different ways to do that. Yeah. The one that I was specifically talking about is the Gia Blueprint. Gia, erotic Blueprint. So I can put some information. I mean, there's a lot of different ways to figure out. There's other people who, she has erotic Blueprint coaches. I mean, she's a whole program. That's what I'm saying. My contribution to this space is I love to see people. I love to empower people, but there are other people. There are other amazing books. It's just like, how can you learn? What would be a great book to start in this, you think, for people, Dali? At PleasureMuse, you can find DaliPleasureMuse and PleasureMuse.com. For what?

For a book that you think would help people with their, kind of, we had to read so many books for a sematico. Like there's so many layers that Dalli didn't just, we had to do a lot of work to figure out. You know one of my favorite books, our sexual stories. Is Esther Perrell's mating and kept in? Yeah, that's a great book for relationships.

Really a good book. And why I really resonate with it is because she speaks to a lot of the things that I like to teach couples and it's that building of anticipation. It's like, okay, you know, this ideal goal of, you know, marriage and kids and then, oh, what happened to the sex, you know? Which is the condition that happens to everybody. So there's all these different modalities that people can figure out the way to get your sex life back on track again, like how it's going to happen.

I was told people just know that it's going to shift and change and how are you going to shift and change with it and it helps to really learn it together again. Your body or yourself, your single, I'm never done learning. No, never. And one you can understand, like how you like to be touched, and that's when it comes back to the masturbation, gentle, firm, and it's different when somebody brings, if you know yourself, then when you have partnered experiences,

even better. Yeah, exactly. You bring that to the table and don't worry about the shame. I mean, I think that's the other thing is that sometimes once we figure this out, then we're like, how do I talk to our partner about it? Yeah. But you just gotta bring it.

Your partner wants to please you. This goes for a minute. And for women and whoever you're with, that the more you know that is power and that's confidence, too. That's the real kind of confidence that comes with really knowing your body. And it's a journey. And I encourage everyone to go in that journey. And you know how we told our Florida guy, like get cocked. James James. I love James. Like getting cock and it and he said something but well I like to be a little bit you know dominated sometimes there can be a way that you just get into that but it's called like sub topping from the bottom that's

what they the term is so it can be that you go to your girlfriend, James, and say, you know what I'd really like. I'd really love it. If you got on your knees and just touched my inner thighs. And you're asking for it, but then you say, and then I just want to close my eyes and just pretend like you're the smasuce and I'm just going to surrender and not say anything else. And then you tell me what you'd like to do next. So it's like you're starting it. Yeah, like you're creating your own adventure together. Who could ever say no to that?

That was such a sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy. I want to go massage Dali's thighs. You have me too. I feel like if I said that, it would come out loud and direct. He's practice. So I feel like I would do that. But you know what? That might just be the kind of DOM you are.

I don't know what you're talking about. There's no right or wrong way. No, but that's just playing with the whole DOM stuff. When you want to find out especially for women or men, you look at the archetypes. This is what I learned from it. You look at the archetypes of women from history, women from literature, from the silver screen, from the news, superheroes, whatever. So you look and you kind of list them. It's a great exercise to do with girlfriends. We can do it later. So then you figure out, well, you like for vulva mapping and wine.

Okay. You figure out who you resonate with and like who you idolize. It's Cleopatra, if it's Medusa, it doesn't have to just be like the sweet woman. It can be like the badass, like intense women. And then you find out the attributes. Then you start writing their attributes.

Then once you figure out all the attributes, and you circle the ones that seem to keep coming up. And then you kind of see who are you, jiving with, who are you resonating with. Doesn't mean who you are. In our sexual selves or in our, who in ourselves, because I know these exercises are like, who you might identify as one thing in your life,

but it's not how you are sexually, it's that your erotic story. You have to decide because when I did mine, I did this recently, and mine were, the attributes were like, healer, to be revered, loving, mischievous, like all of these types of things, and it was kind of more like caretaker, what have you.

And then I started to see these other things, like my Magdalena, I wrote on Magdalena, somebody I really wanted to do, like a little bit of the outside or a little bit of the, you know, rebel kind of. So then you kind of look to see, you know, maybe today I'm gonna be the nurture caretaker. And then the next day I'm going to be, you know,

the little rebel. So it's just you finding that voice because you, the way you just said that, you're so direct, you'd be like, you know what, get on your knees. Yeah, it'd be fine. This is the thing about sex, so that everything goes.

I've been doing it with somebody else than the way I think I sound. Listen, you could say anything you want in bed if you are fully embodied, and if you feel good about it, and it's coming from like your true place that you figured out. That's where you feel the most dumb There's not like a right way to even ask what you want to talk dirty all the things That's why we've porn people like oh, I don't want to talk dirty because I feel like I should just do it the way

I saw it. We all get to develop our own Dirty boys Exactly And then if you can just tell somebody I want you to Exactly. And then if you can just tell somebody I want you to tell me to touch, I won't touch you unless you tell me exactly where and how about that. All right, then you're passing the baton. Yeah, keep passing the baton.

That's such a good thing. So, Dolly, my dear friend, I just, we could all listen to you online, pleasuremuse.com. She's at pleasuremuse. So, let's talk about sexological bodywork training that's happening here in L.A. Yes, actually it's the second year. It's never been held in Los Angeles but my teachers are so amazing from Australia that I'm hosting them at my studio space in Redondo Beach and applications are coming in now. We probably have 23 spots if you consider you in a career change, if you're a body worker, you want to get more embodied, you want to do this for personal development.

I didn't know I was going to do this professionally. So applications now, sexbodla.com. The course is a six-month course. It begins in October online, and then the embodiment intensive is January 14th for two weeks. Wow. Alright. Okay, guys, you can check that out. We'll put it in the show notes as well. Thank you, Dali, for two weeks. Wow. Yeah, all right. Okay guys, you can check that out, put it in the show notes as well.

Thank you, Dali, for being here. Find her at the Pleasure Muse. Pleasure Muse at all, be in the show notes. Pleasure Muse.com, Dali, so amazing, so inspiring. We're all super turned on by you and everything that you've shared about being more connected to your body. There's so many different paths to pleasure.

So that's very inspiring. All right guys, I hope you enjoyed this show as much as I did. Thanks to my amazing team, I love you, Ken, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.