Sex With Emily - Masculinity, Masturbation & Marriage w/ Larry Hagner

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

It’s the question married men often ask themselves: why is my marriage just OK? How do I get the spark back? And when did our sex life become so mediocre? Life coach and fellow podcaster Larry Hagner has not only worked through these issues himself, but has devoted his life to helping other men become better husbands and fathers. His project the Dad Edge was inspired by both his struggles in parenting and a lack of having a father during his own childhood. On today’s best-of show, Larry breaks down his four pillars of a good marriage (which absolutely includes sex), as well as how to talk to sons about sex, porn and masturbation.Show Notes:Sexiest Gift Guide Ever: Emily’s Picks for 2022 HolidaysVush Destination: Play (SEXWITHEMILY for 40% off Destination: Play)More Larry Hagner: The Dad Edge | Instagram Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You have your PhD in human sexuality, right? You have all kinds of hours and training in that particular field, yet when we're married, people are like, oh yeah, just go figure it out. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's the question married men often ask themselves. Why is my marriage just okay?

How do I get the spark back? And when are sex life become so mediocre? Life coach and fellow podcaster Larry Hander has not only worked through these issues himself, but has devoted his life to helping other men become better husbands and fathers. His project, The Dad Edge, was inspired by both his struggles in parenting and a lack of having a father during his own childhood. On today's best-of-show, Larry breaks down his four pillars of a good marriage, which absolutely include sex, not to worry, as well as how to talk to sons about sex, porn,

and masturbation. Intentions with Emily. Freech episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to inspire you to lead a more balanced, fulfilling and connected life, whether you're a father or a husband or a hoping to restore a relationship with one in your life. Well, we can all learn from Larry's journey to become a better leader within our families. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new article Sexiest Gift Guide ever, Emily's picks for 2022 holidays is up at sexwithemily.com.

Check out my YouTube channel, Social Media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739. Just include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose your main anonymous. Today's episode is presented by Vush. Stick around to the end of this episode to hear all about their destination play line of products

that are all about couples play. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Before we get started, I just want to remind you all that this is the best of episode that may include outdated language like references to gender. I started using the term's penis owner and vulva owner in 2020 in order to become more inclusive of all gender identities and expressions. We're always learning and growing here at Sex with Emily and can only do so with your continued feedback. Larry Hagner is a podcast host, coach and founder of the Dad Edge, which aims to empower men to live and lead legendary lives. The Dad Edge helps

fathers have better marriages, create stronger connections with our kids, master our personal finances, optimize our health, and become bolder leaders within families. For more on the Dad Edge, visit thedadedge.com and follow Larry on Instagram at the Dad Edge. Larry Hagner. Hi. It's going on. I'm so glad to have you back on the show. thedadedge.com and follow Larry on Instagram at the dad edge. Larry Hagner. Hi. It's going on. I'm so glad to have you back on the show. Larry has the dad edge podcast and the good dad project.

I just love the idea. Like, we need more people to focus on dads. I don't think a lot of people do. Like, it's such a great niche. There's so much about women. How do we help women? But I love that you've created this thriving community of fathers and men to kind of help each other open up, share vulnerability, share like concerns that's going on in the

home, probably a lot of similar challenges. That's amazing. Should you want to hear a story? Yes. Okay. So here's the story. I don't think I shared this last time I was on your show, but so this is how like the whole thing started. So I was born in 1975. My parents were married for four years after I was nine months old. My dad had it out and then didn't know him didn't even know that there was a dad or anything like that. And I'll never forget

this when I was four years old. I was in preschool and I remember men coming to pick their kids up from school. And I knew what a dad was. And I just knew we didn't have one because I was raised exclusively by my mom. So I'll never forget, you'll appreciate this. I'll never forget the first time my mom actually brought a man home from work that she was dating. And this guy, it was 1979, I was four years old. I will never forget this as long as I live.

This guy walks in, he was white collar. He was like a data software guy, he had a three-piece suit on the handlebar mustache, he had a briefcase of trench coat, the whole nine yards. And in my mind, I was like, oh my God, she did it. She finally found us a dad, like she's brought a dad home. So my mom introduced me to this guy. And the first question I ask him is,

are you gonna be my dad? And like literally like silence in the room, like no, and there's kind of awkward laughing at that kind of thing. But lo and behold, year one pie, they did get married. Okay. They were together for five years. He adopted me and he was a really nice guy when he was sober. He had a drinking problem.

And when he did drink, he got really abusive. He was a pretty mean dude. When I was 10, they got divorced. And I've never seen him since. So he was out. And so then I started asking questions like, Hey, why was I a part of the wedding? Like where did I come from that kind of thing? And then my mom told me that I had a real father. And I won't go into detail about it. But when I was 12, so two years later, I had a real father and I won't go into detail about it, but when I was 12, so two years later, I had an opportunity to meet my biological father and it was a total mistake, it was a total fluke and we ended up spending like a few months together.

I met him, which nothing terrified me more when I was 12 years old than meeting my biological father. Yeah, I can't imagine. I've got chills about it, okay. It was pretty crazy, well the story actually gets even crazier. Okay. So we hung out for a few months. He was remarried. He had a two year old son, another one on the way.

And we just, you know, you're dating someone and then suddenly they kind of pull this fade away. Like it just sort of gets awkward. Yeah. That's kind of what happened. Like it just sort of, I just remember like as a 12 year old, like looking at him, like he just seems like something's like heavy on him. I don't know what it is. And he just kind of, we got further and further away. After a while, he was like, Hey, you know, it's complicated. And I'm trying to start things over again.

And he was out again. My mom got married a total of three times. And she dated men in between. Every guy she dated was either some sort of toxic, like alcoholic, abusive. So I always say half my childhood was spent without a father figure and then the other half was spent with some sort of male role model that was toxic and had addiction issues. Well, here's where the story takes a really interesting turn. So when I was 30, so 14 years ago, I became a father for the first time.

I have four boys. I have a 13-year-old, 11-year-old, five-year old, five year old, three year old. And I met my biological father again. And it was a total fluke. I was in a coffee shop in St. Louis. And I was there with a friend and all of a sudden he just came walking in the door. And I recognized him. And the friend that was with me knew the story and all that. And she was also a coworker of mine. And we're sitting there and I was like, you're not gonna believe this, but my father just walked in the door.

And she's like, oh my God, like your biological father, I'm like, yeah, she's like, what are you gonna say to him? And I'm like, nothing. I'm gonna say, what am I gonna say to him? I'm 30. You know, he's- You even seen him since you were 12, for 13. That seems, so it's 12.

So she went up to him. Oh, yeah, I'm a two. I said, no, no, you're talking to dad, okay? That's what she did. So yeah, so she brings him over and he just kind of like walked over very humbly. I mean, there was nothing more awkward than like sitting in my seat and then making eye contact

with my dad who was sitting across in the Starbucks and he just like got up and he just kind of like humbly walked over, he extended his hand, he's like, hey, how are you doing? Are you too married? He was talking to me and heard, I was like, no, I'm married. I was like, I actually have a son on the way. He's like, we should get together sometime. And I'm like, that wasn't nice, but I wasn't mean. And I was like, you know what, if you want to get together, that's fine. Here's my contact info. You can call me if you want.

Well then I leave and within about an hour and a half, he got back to his office and I got this email. Wow. And just basically, like I've always regretted, like not being a part of your life. And I'd like to somehow, some way, shape or form, be a part of it. Still married to the same woman,

I have two younger half brothers and here we are 14 years later. And we do have a relationship and I've got a good relationship with my two of brothers, my stepmother. And my boys know him as grandpa. I mean, so everything is good. And I wouldn't say we're father and son,

but we're friends. We're good friends. But here's where I'll tell you the answer question. That was a long way to get there. But when I became a father for the first time, I spent the first six years being a dad. my son was six, my other son was four, and I was so frustrated. Okay.

I had no patience. I was your typical guy, and my marriage was in jeopardy, no patience for my kids. I was throwing everything in my career because that's where I was good, but I was a wreck everywhere else. And I finally just got tired of feeling completely helpless and clueless. And one thing happened, and it still hark me to talk about this day. But my 11 year old, when he was four, I kind of had like this really dark moment where we were moving, and I was packing up the playroom and Of course me being just a jackass with no patience

My four-year-old son comes walking and I just packed up his playroom It took me hours and I was in a bad mood had a bad day just like every other day And I told him I was like do not get any of these toys out I was like I'm gonna go take a break do not get any of these toys out. I was like, I'm gonna go take a break, do not get any of these toys out, it took me forever to pack them up. Come back down a half hour later, everything's pulled out, and I spanked him, and I spanked him so hard that he hit the ground.

And then when I went to go help him up, he like shuttered. And I was like, and I literally, I mean, it messes with me talking about it out loud because like, my wife who is Extremely low drama never gets upset. I mean, she's like a saint raising helping raising four boys She looked at me and she's like seriously like he just wanted to get to his toys like and for my wife He's for like what else is there right? But you but you you had to reach your limit I did a moment and you acted out

I did I acted out and for my wife to say that even though it wasn't, that was big for her and it was big for me to hear because she never does stuff like that. So I went my office and I was on social media and I was upset and I got on Facebook, I just went to distract myself and I finally just looked in the corner and said, create a page and I created a page

called the Good Dead Project. And it literally just like flowed off my mind and my heart and I was like, and at that point I was like, all right, I'm done. I'm done trying to figure this out. On your own. On my own, I'm just going to be a student of this and I'm just going to try to figure this out. I'm just going to research it just like I do anything else and research it meaning like

I'm going to just be curious of how to do this better and I'm going to ask questions and I'm going to put my ego aside and not every answer to every question is going to be fine and good and good and fine. I'm going to share like what's going on. What did you find where the common themes then when you first started? Do you remember kind of the first kind of where you all came together and you're like, God, we all really need this. What was the first issue you tackled? First issue I tackled was everybody being quiet about it. I mean, like literally, you go out and it's like, what do dad struggle with? And there wasn't a whole lot that I found at the time

because men are usually so quiet about it. Everything you ask us is either fine or good or good or fine, right? But we've really boiled it down to what we call five dimensions now. Let's talk about that. And that's, you mean, principals are the five dimensions, right?

You're doing a chorus about this that men can take, but the five dimensions of fatherhood. Yeah. So it's mastering your finances is one, optimizing your health, which is physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health, having what we call legendary marriage, and enjoying parenting, having an epic connection with your kids and business.

Those are the five. And what I can tell you is in those five areas, that's where men, we get the least amount of training, and we certainly don't want to ask for help because there's like that lot of shame, lot of guilt, like, hey, I'm not on top of my shit. If it looks like I don't have a handle on these things. So that's really what men struggle with is men, I think overall, men lead these quiet lives of desperation. You know, and we throw ourselves on the sword for everybody else with good intentions, but then we end up showing up with very little patients, a short temper, you know, not having the

marriage that we want, not being the man that we want to be for our women, not being the father that leads our kids. So we struggle with these and we tend to internalize all this stuff and we beat ourselves up. And men tend to talk about like the same five surface boring things. So what are those five things like sports? Sports.

Yeah, so work. Yeah, kids sports. Yeah, and like. And very surface. Very surface. So here's my question. So I want to hear more about these five dimensions and the five pillars. But what I've, I see in men and you're, man in your 40s, is that I see this in men in

their 20s, their 30s, their 40s, I believe that for many men and again, I'm not some men have done this work, but many men do it just, they don't, it's work. Like you have to get into like vulnerability and shame and childhood issues and kind of work it through to learn how to be there for first yourself and your children and your wife. So what did that look like for you since 2013? Like did you get into therapy?

Did you, did you tell me what was your process before creating it for other men, you know, research, research? My show started in the very same way. I was like, I'm not having the best sex in my life. No one else seems very, how do you have great sex? And I started asking questions. So, you know, what did you, tell me what this journey looked like for you, the less?

Yeah, it was, it was literally that exact, yeah, that exact same thing where I'm just like, man, I can't, I can't be the only one dealing with this, you know, so I started the blog, you know, in 2013, that was just my way of like literally just kind of owning my own shit, like just owning it all and just being like, here's how I'm messing up, here's how I'm making it, but here's some things I've learned. And then suddenly I started being asked to speak and I'm like, speak, I was like, what do you want me to speak on? I'm like, I'm not an expert and they're like, well, no, like, what do you want me to speak on? I'm like, I'm not an expert. And they're like, well, no, that's the thing. Like you're not an expert and that's why it's kind of like

more of a mission of in the trenches. And you know, that's really where it started in 2013. And then I just, I didn't even enjoy writing. Even though I got a couple of books out there. So the podcast was really like this thing that I really look forward to and I've been doing ever since. And I always say, it keeps me curious and it keeps me learning because I get to have conversations with people who are much smarter than me, you know, about topics like this, like sex and intimacy.

Let's talk about what have you learned about that? How is sex like change? Yeah. I mean, you have four kids, even if you're wife for how many years? Twenty. Well, I've known her for 23 years, who have married for 16. Okay. How's that going? It's actually, we have the best sex,

and the most frequent that we've ever had. In the last few years. In the last few years, I would say the last five years, and so much so that we keep having these kids. So we need to sleep and stuff, we better be at this point. But what I can tell you is,

all these things that I was doing just really wrong. Where was it before? Yeah. And a lot of it started outside the bedroom. You know, these conversations that I'd have my wife were just terrible. Like, I know you recently came on my show again

and we talked about like how you always come to conversations and the defense. You know, and I was so guilty of that. Plus, I just, I was very selfish. I didn't love her in her love language. I didn't do things selflessly. I kind of had my own agenda, you know? And I've focused.

You're on sex agenda or what you're in need getting your needs met. Yeah, getting my needs met. Like, even when I would do things, like years ago, I would do things like, well, if I do X, then she'll probably want to have sex. And then if she didn't, then I'd be pissed, because that expectation was let down. Right. You know, that's unspoken agreement. How did she not know that? And she was like, you know, you're thinking in your head, scheming to get sex without actually talking about

it. Right. I think a lot of guys, like they're not, that's the way some of us operate. Yeah. Absolutely. And I was no different. Yeah. It's awesome. Because we all need a night.

So tell me where it is now. So tell me about your sex life. Number one, we talk about it really openly. And instead of like, hey, why don't you do X more, right? Because I think we can all be, we're all guilty of, of starting a conversation like that. I like to come to a conversation of like, Hey, do you remember that time when you did whatever or we did whatever? How can we have more of that? How can we enjoy? Yeah, yeah. How can we, how can we do more of that? For instance, we were out last weekend.

And we were at, we were just, you know, at lunch together on a Sunday, we were out last weekend. And we were at, we were just, you know, I'd lunch together on a Sunday, we were watching baseball game together. We're not even baseball fans. Like we were just, we were out of way from the kids. I was like, I will do anything that we were out of way from the kids, but even watch baseball. Right, Sunday afternoon.

And we were just talking, having a good time. We were really connecting. And then she's just like, let's do something crazy. I'm like, okay, what's on your mind? And she's like, I don't know. She's like, but just something that's out of the ordinary, something we wouldn't do, something kind of naughty. And I'm like, let's go get a hotel room.

Like for like just a couple hours. And she's like, well, it's not like we can stay there. I was like, well, who cares? They don't care. We're paying for them anyway. They don't care if we get there for an hour and we leave or what. So we did.

And it was, it was so cool because we pulled up to this hotel. You feel like you're doing something totally wrong, right? It's almost like you feel like you're having an affair. Yeah. Like you feel like a teenager again. Like you're like, we shouldn't be doing this it's a middle day.

The kids are at home with a babysitter and we're like, yeah, but that's why it's so awesome. Yeah, exactly. Something so outside the box. And the other cool thing too is that the one thing that I've definitely learned about my wife is we have really amazing sex when she's relaxed and when she's more stress-free.

Just your wife though. It's a lot of women. Yeah, when we are stressed and anxious and we're not relaxed, we are not gonna be in our bodies and feel safe and let go. Right. Okay. So she's relaxed in the hotel room. Relax.

Hotel room. We just took our time. I mean, it was really hot. I mean, it was absolutely amazing. And there was like no laundry for her to look at or no kids like they were, might come running in the room. We just got to be ourselves. And that was just, that was so cool. And then we left. And we were like, oh, might come running in the room, we just got to be ourselves, and that was just, that was so cool.

And then we left, and we were like, oh yes, you're like, right? Yeah, that's a great story. I love that. So it sounds like you guys have worked on your insubstant and looking at your five dimensions of fatherhood. Sex isn't in there. So where is it fallen between finances, health, marriage, connection with kids and leadership?

Health? Marriage. Marriage. Well, health, health, self-care, right? So, but yeah, having a legendary marriage, we truly view that there are four pillars to that. One is self-care. One is partnership, and partnership

is like more of the business side of marriage. Like it's the not so sexy things to talk about. Like the finances, the schedules, all that, just making sure we're on the same page with that. And then there's friendship. Like, hey, do we actually enjoy each other? Like, are we actually friends? And then the fourth pillar is sex and intimacy.

Okay, got it. So it's in your pillars. Oh, yeah. You have to break it down. They do. Yeah. Do you find that men worldwide are struggling? Let me clearly, you created these five pillars or these five dimensions that they're kind

of struggling with these same exact issues. Is there anything that's been surprising to you? Like are there any cultures or places where like, oh, some of these men don't deal with this or is this pretty universal? So we have guys who are like an Ireland, Scotland, the UK, Italy, Spain, South Africa, obviously Canada and the US and everywhere. We have a couple guys in Japan. But what I've noticed is culturally like we're pretty united in all of those.

But one thing I have noticed is it's kind of like what we talked about on our show is that men, most men seem to have an okay marriage. And it's usually within those four elements that something is wrong or broke. It's usually doing pretty well in one or two, but then there's one or two that might be kind of broken. But what I've found is that most guys have a okay marriage, but what they want is that truly thriving marriage. And they just have a hard time figuring out, well, how do I navigate that and how do I do that? After the break, more of my conversation with Larry Hagner from the dad edge.

So don't go anywhere. How? How? How? How? How? How? How?

How? How? How? How? So when talking about emotions, what I asked you this question, like, have you gone to therapy? Oh, yeah.

Okay, so you've been in therapy. Yeah. Because for a lot of men, I feel like, and this is something that would I have found, because I come from women a lot, is that a lot of people I find are responsible for not only their mental health and the mental health of the children,

but they're like, I've got my husband's 42, and I'm still taking care of his emotional baggage. He hasn't done his work yet. And so I think it's great that you're leading a path and you're demonstrating to men how they can actually grow and learn and change. But do you ever find that there's men who just don't want to do the work? I don't know.

I know I won't. So how do you break through to them? Guys, we're going, I don't need therapy or everything's fine. They want to just talk about sports and they just want to stay in their comfy place. I see how it's ebbed and flowed and many aren't happy, but many are happy. And the ones are the happiest, the ones with our partner, husband, he went to therapy. He did the work, because her nagging or trying to make him grow, they just,

or and then with the other friends, they just accept, they're like, well, he's never gonna be able to be emotionally available. He's great with the kids, because he drives them to school or he builds things with them, but he's not gonna be that emotional support. Can you kind of just talk about that journey of becoming a vulnerable,

emotive, open, emotional man? Yeah, yeah, for sure. That's a topic that fires me up, to be honest with you, because I was that guy. Well, right. You're that guy, but you're not that guy anymore. I was that guy. I'm not that guy anymore, but here's what I can tell you. Doing this work, I always say this, doing this work, 98% of it, I love.

I absolutely love it. The 2% that I absolutely hate is the guy that complains and bitches and does nothing. Does nothing. Or he quits on himself. Men are experts itself sabotage, unfortunately. But what I can tell you is the one thing that men struggle with the most is asking for help because they view it as, well, if I go to a counselor, that means I'm a problem. That means I'm weak. That means I'm this.

They label themselves, but yet we'll go to a coach to help us to be a better sales manager or a better leader in the business place. Well, guess what? That coach is the same thing as a counselor. They're just doing it in a professional setting. I mean, they should rename counseling to coaching. Because that's really what it is. You're right, like they have a good coach for you.

Right. You're absolutely right. It's something about therapy people still, they're still a stigma that they're crazy or the wrong. And I think also if men have spent a lifetime kind of repressing feelings, emotions, insecurities, they're like, I'm not gonna go out I'm bringing up to someone I don't know. Because we do talk a lot about women,

but I think that this is, you figured out how to get men interested in this process. Because it's not just one thing that you work in in all the areas. So can I share a quote with you that we talk about all the time? So the definition of hell is meeting the man that you could have been when you're laying on your deathbed. That's something we say.

That's from a book called Outweeting the Devil by Napoleon Hill. That is like the credo that we live by. When we go to our deathbed, that we're just, we're going to be there smiling because we're going to know like, hey, I did everything that I could possibly do. I had the relationships that I wanted. I raised my kids away. I wanted, I had this kids away. I wanted. I had this amazing connection with my wife, physically, mentally, emotionally, with my wife.

I did the work that made me come alive. I lived a good life. And what most men are really doing is they're in what we call the grind, the drift. You know, every day is that wash, we're in repeat. I go to work. I have my coffee. I live sort of the so-so life. And then suddenly they, you know, when they look back on it when they're 16, 17, even like,

I didn't live this life the way I intended it to. And the way I view it is, like, draw a line in the sand and ask the questions that you need to ask to live that life that you want, so you're not meeting that man that you could have been when you're on your deathbed. Yeah, I think we all kind of have that fear of being in our deathbed of having the regrets, but that's also a very specific way of thinking, yeah, I don't want to be the guy I met now because like men are silently suffering. They are more so than women like we're more open. Like how have you been?

I haven't seen you in years. Well, here's everything that's wrong. Right. Six, I've been seeing you in four years and in six minutes you're going to tell me everything that's wrong. That's how women are because we kind of connect through that space, but men often don't. One of your dimensions is finances. Can we talk about that for a minute?

I feel like kids, finances, insects are the things that people fight about the most in relationships. How have you broke through if you've ever had financial things? How do you approach that in your relationship? So everyone has an emotional connection to money in some way, shape, or form. It can be good and it can also be baggage. But the here's the rub, though, too, is that we are not taught personal finance growing up.

The last time I looked, it's not in college, not in high school. If you look at those five dimensions and finance being one of them, it's always like, oh, you're married and you now have combined finances. Best of luck. Hope it works out. Just like being married. And be getting no instruction for anything. It's almost like, oh, you're married and you now have combined finances. Best of luck. Hope it works out. Just like being married. Be getting no instruction for anything. It's amazing we're all alive. I know. Same thing with the kids. Oh, yeah, you're, you have your PhD in human sexuality, right? You have all kinds of hours and training in that particular field. Yeah. When we're married, people are like, oh, yeah, just go figure it out, right?

So super easy to get married, have kids. The force is harder, the marriage. But finances. So you're looking at two different people usually. And each one of them have a different emotional, a bit of an emotional baggage when it comes to finances, right? Neither one usually knows what to do. And usually what happens to is we have this abundance mentality around money,

or we have a scarcity, and most Americans it's scarcity. The latest statistics that I read, I think one third of Americans, only one third of Americans actually do a monthly budget. And I think it's, this one's really scary. People who are 50 and above have an average of $30,000 in their retirement fund, which is absolutely terrifying. So things like that, people just don't know how to save. So the way my wife and I really assessed it was, when we first got married, I think this is pretty typical. Like I have a stomach for investing. Like I don't mind it. Like if I throw money into the market or into a real estate and then I lose a little bit, I'm kind of okay with it.

Like I, because I know what ebbs and flows. Now when it comes to cash flow, it freaks me out. And I think it's because I grew up with, we had nothing. So I saw what it was like to be poor and not have money. And it doesn't matter how much money we have in the bank, when I see money go out to pay a bill, I hate it. Now my wife on the other hand has a stomach for that. So she does the bills and the cash flow and all that.

I don't go to our checking account. I haven't been to our checking account in probably five years. I don't even know what's being put into the checking account. All I know is I manage the business and I don't even manage the financial portion of my business. I have somebody else do that.

But when it comes to cash flow, that's somebody else's wheelhouse, that's not mine. But my strength is like, hey, let me go. I'm risky enough to do investments in different things. I think you need to know where your strengths are. So that's like everything. You figure out where your wife can kind of help out, where you guys can do it together.

The straights, the weaknesses, you don't have to I'll do everything or live in the dark about it. Because a lot of people wife can kind of help out, where you guys can do it together. The straights, the weaknesses, you don't have to all do everything or live in the dark about it. Because a lot of people just choose kind of like sex, like, oh, we're just not gonna deal with money. Is that what you talk about too? And your men groups that they should bring their partners into it?

Oh my God, yeah, you have to. The other thing too is that, and this one's critical and foundational, we take men and their wives through an exercise that allows them to really understand what is they value. So, for instance, my wife and I went through this exercise and I won't go into the details of it, but at the end of the exercise, we really understood, like, wow, we really don't value stuff at all.

So like Christmas is, we were always like, why don't we really get into Christmas or the holidays? Like everyone's so excited, like, why are we overwhelmed and stressed out and pissed off? And it's because we don't value stuff, like the cars that we drive, like the home that we have, it's a nice home, but the cars that we drive, we could care less because the kids are trashin' it. So we went through this exercise of like,

okay, what do we really value? Like, we value our environment or home. So that's like big dust, we're willing to spend money there. But we value experiences over stuff. And I think a lot of people get caught up in this material thing. It's like, oh, my neighbor has a new land rover. I should get that.

Yeah. And it's not even part of who you are, your core value. So it's like understanding like, hey, I don't need a Range Rover. I can just have a crappy minivan. But I want to take my kids to go to Colorado and some of the 14 of them camp up there, like that kind of thing. Just these experiences that you share versus the stuff. So that's really smart, I think,

for couples to kind of get clear on that, to kind of, because then you just keep battling it out. It's kind of like one of those unspoken things that she values experiences, I value things, and I've heard this before, but what a great, I love the tests or quizzes or whatever it was that you took. It's an evaluation through your group.

Yeah, yeah. Smart. Just understand what we value. What do you value? Yeah. And I guess that she did value things. You'd have to kind of work like, have a work. Yeah, we'd have to work around that.

Yeah. I think that would save so much time too. So with your four boys, has anything come up about sex and pleasure and how do you talk to them? How do you educate them? Oh my gosh. yeah, yeah. So, they're that age, 13, 11. They are, yeah, so my 13 year old,

and so I got a couple of stories about that. So my 13 year old, he's like an open book. Like he's way braver than I was growing up. But then again, like maybe it's because we have a comfort level, like he feels really comfortable talking about and asking anything. So on there, I forget it two years ago,

he was 11, going on 12, and I drove him to a hockey tournament, we had two hours, and he'd kind of been fishing around, kind of asking about sex, but I knew for two hours, I was probably gonna get grilled, I was just expecting it, and sure enough, what I did.

Here's my view of talking to kids about sex. I view it as it's an open book. Like you can ask me anything that you want. I'll tell you experiences, I'll tell you everything you need to know. I think the more taboo we make it for kids, like it's this hush hush thing, this shame it's guilt is this.

I think you're doing more harm than good. So like so for instance, and there was one night, it was about a year ago that our boys came down to our room and anytime we have sex, we locked the door and they tried to get in and we were like, hey, we're tired, whatever, like just come back later. So my wife and I were like, God bless. And I think this is like the third or fourth time that it happened. The next day, I don't know if most parents would agree with this or not, but it, who cares, it's the way we handled it. We sat them down, we're like, hey, listen, you're old enough now at the time I think they were, they were 12 and 10. And we were like, hey, look, we're just going to be really honest with you, okay, because

we know you guys like to come upstairs and all that other good stuff and try to open the door. If the door's locked, that's time that mom and I are having together. And we knew they were gonna ask, well, what time? We're probably having sex. And they're like, oh, what? Really?

You're like, oh! Oh, it's gross. Yeah, you guys do that. And we're like, yeah, we do that. And in fact, it's important for you to know that if you're in a marriage, you should be having sex. And you should be having a lot of sex. And that's okay and that's healthy.

It's like, it's not this taboo thing. So we share that with you because if you do come to the door and you try to open it, what we ask is kindly, you know, give us our space. That's really healthy, yeah. And so it's like, then were they like, what do you mean sex? Did they ask about that?

No, they knew through friends and school and that kind of thing. But like, so like my, they've asked me about porn. They've asked me about masturbation. They've asked me, and I've gone, and I can go into any detail you want to probably explain that. Well, I think it's important to tell kids that to let them know and to demonstrate and find out that it's really important

for mom and dad to have time together. Right. That's an important part of a relationship because I think parents are just like, so freaked out about like kids finding even their toys. Like, oh, but kids can't find it. It's like, but why not? We make sex so taboo, so scary.

I think, you know, I've just been thinking about this. And you like explain to them, that's mommy's toy or daddy. Don't reuse this for pleasure. Our pleasure is important. I mean, however you want to use it, our time together is important depending on their age. So I think that is healthy to let them see that when you're in a relationship. These things are, you know, however you want to use it, our time together is important depending on their age. So I think that is healthy to let them see that when you're in a relationship, these things are, you know, rather pretending it doesn't exist. Gross them out at least once

a day. Right. Well, what about masturbation? How do you talk to them about that? Oh my God. So, yeah, hopefully you tell them it's not real life. No, yeah. So I'll share with you what I, how I've talked about masturbation. So like my 13 year old in particular, like Hill flat out be like, Dad, like, did you use to masturbate growing up? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, like how often?

I was like, like all the time. Like one time I did it six times. And like when I was like 12 or 13 and he's like what you know So I try to make light of it, you know, you know, so it's he doesn't take it so seriously and You know so he he'll ask me he's like well, you know, how did you do it? And I'm like I'll just tell him I'm like well here's how I did it like why how are you doing it? And I won't go into that but like he'll tell me I'm like okay And so like he'll he'll bounce these things off

of me, but like, it's one of those things where I very open with him about all that stuff because I want him to know like, hey man, this is an everyday conversation. Yeah, that's what, yeah. It has to be everyday. Yeah, it's like, this is, hey, it's sunny outside. Oh, you can ask me anything you want about masturbation.

Like, that's how I view it. And I don't, we don't, I mean, we cut up about it because I feel like in a way you have to make it light-hearted. Otherwise, he'll feel awkward about it. Exactly. And then that carries into his relationships. When he's older, it's awkward, it's right. And then, yeah, that's what we see.

On the show every day, people still feel weird. Or they feel shame. Every time they masturbate for many men, they just feel awful after there's like this dread because they were told that it was, you know Right, right, right. So I'll take your doing a good job there Larry But porn you want me to talk about that too? Okay, so the porn talk was something I was just like oh my god Like how how am I getting broached this topic? So porn I had this like whole thing planned out and the sex talk took the full two hours on the way and it's still going up. It's not a one time conversation.

No, it's not. But the porn thing I thought, oh my God, we're really going to get the weeds on this and he's going to have a ton of questions, like, what am I going to say? And I did read this one book on it called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, and it was just not that all good, all, you get what I'm saying, like, not all bad pictures are bad pictures, but like, it's a way to come down on your kids level and be able to talk to them about porn on their level, not necessarily like, oh, hey, if you got an appointment,

you know what I mean? So he just got a phone, so I told him, I'm like, look, we've had the sex talk, we've had the masturbation talk, we need to have this talk. I was like, so he's a huge Star Wars fan. Take this for what it's worth. He's a huge Star Wars fan. I was like, okay, sex has, you know, in some people's minds, sex people, some sex is good and then there's a dark side to it too.

And, you know, porn is not necessarily the good side of sex. I was he's like, what do you mean? I was like, well, I was like, here's the deal with porn. I was like now you have a phone I was like you're either gonna see it or your friends are gonna show it to you But there are certain things that you're able to see on iPads or computers or phones or whatever like other people having sex and he's like What are you talking about? Like he was like completely blown away. I was like, there's a big industry out there called the porn industry.

I was like, where you can view other people having sex. And he's like, why would people do that? And I'm like, well, people make a lot of money doing that. I was like, so the people will make the movies, make a lot of money, the actors and the movies make a lot of money. I was like, look, here's the thing. I'll answer any question that you want about it.

I was like, I just want to give you a heads up that sooner or later, one of your friends is going to bring this up on their phone. You might stumble across it on your phone and here's what I want. You'll never be in trouble if you see it. I don't want you to shame yourself. I don't want you to feel guilty. I don't want you to feel guilty. I don't want you to feel like dad's going to be so mad at me. Just come and talk to me about it. Like, you're never going to be in trouble. You're never going to be punished. So come and talk to me

about it so we can have more open conversation. And I thought he was going to hit me with a ton of questions. And he was like, okay, he's like, cool. He's like, thanks for telling me that. And that was it. And he hasn't come up to you with the questions. He's like, thanks for telling me that. And that was it. And- He hasn't come up to you with the questions. He has. So I don't- Okay, the thing is, yeah, and then when he does,

you're like, yeah, well, it's not actually how you should actually have sex. Right. You're doing great, Larry. I've questions, I quicky questions, I ask all my guests. Are you ready? Let's do it. I like the quickies.

Okay, yeah, right? Which of your biggest turn-on? It's great. Yeah, right? What's your biggest turn on? It's great. Yeah, it is quick. So I'll have a quick answer. My wife and I, since we have four boys, we've got this big master bedroom closet, and we call it closet cleaning. But my wife loves quickies and so do I.

So we'll be like, okay, we need to go clean the closet real quick. And we'll literally go in there for like four minutes, and I't think I've made this woman she can literally get off that quickly which is awesome yeah and so yeah cleaning the closet like totally turns me on yeah I love it. Closet Vegas turn off. High maintenance women. Okay what makes good sex? What makes good sex enthusiasm? Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Oh, man. Gosh, I've made so many mistakes. I have to go.

But something I would tell myself is learn how to love and communicate with the other person versus thinking only about yourself inwardly. Number one, sex tip. Four play starts first thing in the morning and never ends. Yeah, I like it. Thank you, Larry. Good job. Thank you for coming here.

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code sex with Emily for 40% off. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every listed to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

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