Sex With Emily - Masturbation Parties & Solo Sex

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

In my opinion, masturbation is one of the healthiest self-care practices out there. But so many of you tell me how ashamed you feel about masturbating! Especially since the only pop culture examples you saw growing up were cringey. That changes today, as I take your calls on masturbation, taking time to explore your body, and unlocking different kinds of orgasms during solo sex. I also discuss masturbation frequency, and if there’s such a thing as too much. Speaking of frequency: is it possible for vulva owners to have multiple orgasms during solo sex? Let’s find out. I’ll answer your questions on group masturbation parties, jealousy toward your partner’s vibrator, and what to do when your partner can only orgasm through masturbation.Show Notes:3 Sexual Stereotypes to Stop Believing About Vulva Owners3 Sexual Stereotypes to Stop Believing About Penis OwnersPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureEmily x Christina Aguilera: HelloPlayground.com/XtinaCERĒ Spellbound Stimulator & Reverie (code EMILY15 for 15% off sitewide)OdelaHealth.com/SexWithEmily (use this link to save $50)LELO TOR 3 (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off all products)I Gave My Friend a Magic Wand Mini. Here’s Why. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you believe in masturbation? Should you do weekly monthly? Yes. Every other week more than once a day. Yes. No, I believe in masturbation. Masturbation is part of being sexually healthy overall. I don't think there's any thin, sinful or shameful about masturbation.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. In my opinion, masturbation is one of the healthiest self-care practices out there. But so many of you tell me how ashamed you feel about masturbating, especially since the only pop culture examples you saw growing up were cringey. Well that changes today. As I take your calls on masturbation, taking time to explore your

body, and unlocking different kinds of orgasms during solo sex. I also discuss masturbation frequency, and if there's such a thing as too much, speaking of frequency, is it possible for vulva owners to have multiple orgasms during solo sex? Let's find out. I'll answer your questions and group masturbation parties, jealousy towards your partner's vibrator, and what to do when your partner can only orgasm through masturbation. Intentions with Emily, for each episode I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to completely remove the shame of masturbation

and get you comfortable touching your body. Because once you have an intimate relationship with self-touch, you can more easily communicate to your partners what you like and what feels good. Please, please, please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. It really, really helps us get this show out there. People can hear it more. So just take a minute right now and review it. I appreciate you. Thank you. Also, my new articles, sexual stereotypes to stop believing about vulva owners and sexual stereotypes to stop believing all penis owners are up on sexwithemily.com.

Also, check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. And okay, here's a thing. I know I've been directing you all to my tech talk for a while, but we are officially launching the page today. So please head on over there right now, follow along, and if you wanna see Bite Size clips to share with your friends

and tips and all the things, please give it a follow. I'm loving it. I love tech talk. I can't wait to be there and connect with you in another place. So I'll see you there. And also listen, if you want to ask me questions on the show, I would love that. Does leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com, slash ask Emily, or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 57. It does include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and

totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. But before we're getting into the show, I have a couple of exciting announcements. First, I'm coming out with a book. I'm so excited about this. You guys, I've worked it up for two years. It's called Smart Sex, How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. And in this book, you're going to find the five tips to becoming sexually intelligent, something I've never talked about on the show before.

Comes out June 13th, but I have to ask you to please pre-order it. Pre-ordering, I'm learning the whole thing about book sales right now, but it just really helps us get the book into as many hands as possible if you just go right now. You pre-order it, you can find it at sexthelmee.com, go to the drop down menu, select new book, it'll be easy, or just click the link in the show notes. And finally, I have some really cool news. You know that I love Playgrounds, Lubricant. They make incredible sexual wellness products, their favorite of mine. And I've been part of this team since day one. I met the women starting it, I was like, oh my god, this is the most revolutionary Lou, but ever. And I've been part of this team since day one. I met the women starting it. I was like, Oh my God, this is the most revolutionary Loub ever. And I just had a

hunch. You know when you've instincts and you know, like, this is the Loub. These are the people. Well, after keeping things under wraps for so long, I'm so excited now to Christina Aguilera. Yes, that Christina is officially out as a team member too. And as Playgrounds co-founder and chief brand advisor, Christina Playground, Sexor Family, brawl moving the sexual wellness revolution forward together. It was so fun, I got to sit down and have a heart to heart with her about our shared mission, and also, it's all in video. So if you want to watch it, check it out, helloplayground.com slash extina, that's X-T-I-N-A.

Don't forget that my listers get 15% off their first order with my code sex with Emily at hellopiground.com. So much fun doing this and so much more information to come. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. So I wanted to talk about a study that came out that inspired me. I thought it was something we needed to cover. So you know I'm a phantom masturbation. It's no secret masturbating. All genders we should be masturbating.

But there is apparently a masturbation gap. And I've always known that there was a masturbation gap. It's no secret that men's masturbation practices are sort of glorified. We hear about in the media, you know, men are masturbating, of course. And with women, they're still sort of a mystery around it or embarrassment. A lot of women are sort of shy about masturbating or they still, they feel like it's wrong and it's something they shouldn't do. There was a study that came out that said, the masturbation gap between men and women is a staggering 76%. There is a 76% gap. How often men masturbate and women masturbate even though

vibrators are way more commonplace right now. We know about the pay gap, the pension gap, there's a health gap and there's also an orgasm gap. We've talked about that but it makes sense that there be all these gaps if women aren't taking their pleasure into their own hands. I mean, I used to believe that someday my prince would come, and so would I. I thought that I would meet a partner, I'd meet a lover, and he would know exactly what to do with my body. That men were shipped off to some secret school where they learned all about women's bodies and they knew everything. And it's funny, I really did believe that. I thought, well, no one told me about my body. No one said to me, oh, here's your clitoris, and here's how you masturbate, and you know, take your time, figure it out. No, I just kept having disappointing sex. But you know, it all leads back to this.

You have to learn how to operate your own machinery. Take a look at what's going on between your legs. It does say here that only 14% of British people think society accepts female masturbation. 33% said, they don't masturbate. They just don't. And then 9% of men said they weren't interested in masturbating. So 33% are like, I don't, 9% only 9% of men. And so I just want to talk about that from it and say, why? What is keeping you from masturbating?

And a lot of people think that it has to do with libido. Oh, well, women have a lower libido. But the survey dispelled this myth. And I actually could dispel this myth without even taking a survey I believe that if you want to be sexually healthy that masturbation is part of that and so they found here that it's not so much how often women Need to masturbate. It's about as much as they feel they can masturbate So I believe that libido has a lot to do with our mindset right to this whole notion Well, oh she must have a little libido and no, it's that women might be desiring sex, but they don't think they can. They don't think it's right.

They think it's shameful, or they think, if I have a partner, I should no longer need to masturbate. And none of that is true. No matter what your gender, keep masturbating whether you're in a relationship or not. It's like, it's like, once I get into a relationship, I'm gonna stop, I don't know. Seeing my friends or cooking,

there's not, they're all correlated. And sex begets sex. So the more that we masturbate, we have orgasms, the more we're gonna want it. That's how it all works. So I'm just curious, since Resonate with You, is there a masturbation gap? 27-year-old female on Instagram.

What's the best way to have multiple orgasms? Well, the best way to do it is to first decide that you want to do it, because the good news about having a vulva is that the majority of us who have one, and some people know it as the vagina, but the vulva is the external part of the vagina, we can have multiple orgasms. It is possible. In fact, our clitoris, which is responsible for majority of our orgasms, only exists for pleasure.

It's only there. It has 8,000 nerve endings. The penis has 4,000 and it's only there to give you pleasure, which is pretty freaking cool when you look at like biology and how we've evolved. But the challenge is no one ever gave us an instruction manual and was like, hey, you've got this love button and you can ride it all day. You're like, really?

I don't know, I said one orgasm and I'm tired. So learning to have malt orgasms, like I believe that many women can. Now there's some women that can't. There's a few reasons why. Like women who have a certain kind of orgasm or intense orgasms that are like, women whose clitoris is a really sensitive,

typically can only have like really big internal orgasms, but I'm just gonna go with the majority of women that can have multiples for this purpose. So first comes with, let's just talk about during masturbation, because that's how I learned. Like I feel like so many of the ways that I've learned my body and I've learned how to become a better lover to lovers is by learning to become a better one to myself.

So I was like you, I only had one orgasm and I was fine that I finally had one and then I was like, okay, and so what you do is you really just sort of, you turn yourself on, you masturbate, how you always masturbate, touch yourself, maybe you have one orgasm. And then usually when you would stop after that orgasm, you kind of pull your fingers away, maybe you start playing with your nipples, you kind of pull your fingers away, maybe you start playing with your nipples, using your hands all over your body, rubbing your inner thighs, just sort of taking away right from the clitoris or wherever you were rubbing. Then you start to breathe at the same time.

And I'm talking like a deep breath with your like, like, way down to your pelvic floor, like you're feeling, you go there and then you have a long exhale, like those deep breaths. And then you can go back and start playing until maybe you're mixing up the way you were touching. Maybe you, if you're using a vibrator, use it a different part. Maybe you start to tease your labia because it's not just about the clitoris. Women have the ability to have orgasms in so many different ways. Like, there's a lot of other erectile tissue that you find in the labia and you're over your pubic mound, which is right above your vaginal opening. ways. Like there's a lot of other erectile tissue that you find in the labia and

near over your pubic mound, which is right above your vaginal opening. So it's just a practice of knowing that it's possible and then breathing and so because our refractory period, meaning the time between orgasms for women is a lot shorter. Like for men, it can be like 24 hours for women, it can be 30 seconds or a few minutes when you're learning to practice. The other tip is doing your keg electrolysis. You strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Those are the or a few minutes when you're learning to practice. The other tip is doing your chagel exercises. You strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasms.

The stronger those muscles are, the more likely you'll be able to have orgasms and multiple orgasms. Let's have to Joey 35 in Pennsylvania. Hi Joey, thanks for calling. Yeah, so I've been with my girlfriend for a number of years now and the sex is really good good except like she has a trouble Like reaching orgasm from like me giving her Okay, so I'm wondering if there's anything I could do just you reach orgasm through in other ways

Yeah, like when she masturbates you can do it easily Okay, oh perfect. So have you asked her to give you a little bit of like a feedback? Not really. I just kind of do what I think. Right. Make, you know, totally get it. That's what we do. Well, Joey, it's a good question because here's the thing. A lot of times and I've been there, I've been your girlfriend. In that way of like, I know a guy's going down to me. He's making an effort. It feels good, but not great. And I don't really know how to explain it, but I know it's not quite there, but I don't want him to feel bad.

This is, and so that could be happening right now. So maybe she also would love to come through oral sex, but you guys need to kind of figure this out together. So ask her what she likes. Maybe she wants like a lighter touch. Maybe she wants, maybe she really doesn't know. And what a really fun thing to do is kind of a mutual masturbation session where you're both

kind of getting off and you're both sort of looking at each other and I think it's really, it's a two for because you're looking and you're like, that's really hot, see your masturbate. That's really hot and you're learning. You're like, oh, she takes her finger in between her labia and moves it up and down. I never touch her labia, you know,

her labia when I'm doing this kind of thing You know you could also use a toy like if she has any toys like those does she masturbate with a toy or with her fingers Do you know with a toy? So I say play with her be like let's do this together use some loop Get into it ask her tell you want to be a great lover all right Joey Okay, of course, got you. I mean, explore with her. I think this whole like has to be my penis. It has to be my mouth. Or use the toy that she uses on herself. But then you do it. Play with it. For some women, it might be harder to kind of explain what parts of our body we're touching or it feels good. And we might not even

know, maybe you're just licking a cl feels good, and we might not even know. Maybe you're just licking a clitoris, but you're not licking the labia, because the labia, which is like the lips, as you might call them, there's clitoral legs, so the clitoris is the button that we all know at the top. But behind the labia, it's like a V, they're the legs of the clitoris. So for many women stimulating that part would feel great. This is from Marie 33 in New Jersey. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm looking for recommendations for a G-Spot toy.

I've only been able to have literal orgasms with oral or vibrator. And after listening to your show, I want to explore my G-Spot and have an internal orgasm. What toys do you recommend for a beginner or someone who's never even played around with that area before? Should I try to combine a little stimulation with G-spot stimulation? Yes, Marie, thank you for your question. So a really common question. I mean, many people want to know, how do I have an internal orgasm?

I don't mind you that no orgasm is better than another, but I do want you to be able to unlock different kinds of pleasure. It's important. And if you listen to my show, just in your mind, you know that only 30% of Volvo owners are going to orgasm through penetration. So I encourage all Volvo owners to explore and it has to do with your anatomy. Like how close your clitoris is to your gradual opening is how more likely you are to orgasm during penetration. So there's nothing wrong with you. They're not trick you're going to learn. This is just how we're born. So I do think that most vulva owners can have

internal orgasms at some point in their lives, but this will likely happen during solo play or by bringing toys into the bedroom. That's just the fact. All vulva owners have internal pleasure points, you just need to find them in different ways. And it's often easier for vulva owners to have a G-spot orgasm if they've already had a clitoral orgasm, or in some cases having clitoral stimulation at the same time, because this whole complex network of nerves are all related. Okay, so if you have the clitoral one, first you're sort of warming up the nerves or becoming a little more engorged and turd on, but again, you can do that together. So you mentioned that you can also have clitoral orgasms through vibrators and orald on, but again, you can do that together. So you mentioned that you can also have glitter orgasms through vibrators and oral sex,

while I know of a really great vibrator that stimulates your G-area and feels like oral sex on your clitoris. And it's by Surrey, it's a brand new company that I am obsessed with their whole philosophy and they've this awesome pletur tool called the Spellbound Stimulator. Check this, it combines clit pulsation air wave technology so that pulsation

with a flexible insertable G-Spot vibrator for simultaneous G-Spot and clitol stimulation. And it was developed by physicians who were really, really passionate about women's health. And it was designed so that the angle of the spellbound adjusts to your anatomy. Okay? So it wasn't just randomly made like, I hope this works. They worked really hard to develop products that fit to the anatomy and they're adjustable. That's key to the philosophy of all their products,

which I think is really cool. And they have another one that I want to tell you about, which it's a little bit more advanced. They have a tool called the Revery, which you insert into your anus during solo partner sex. So check this. It changes the angle of your rectum, which by proximity enhances the angle of your vaginal canal, which I think this is great to use with a partner during penetration and it just

might help you have more pleasure. It makes the vaginal slope steeper. So with steeper, that can make penetrative sex intercourse way more pleasure. It makes the vaginal slope steeper. So with steeper, that can make penetrative sex in, of course, way more enjoyable. It's kind of a game changer. These are a few toys I recommend to explore your juice spot. Have an internal orgasm and have fun. If you want to try Sere's pleasure tools, you can get 15% off your first order using code Emily 15. Go to getseray.com slash SWE that's get C-E-R-E.com slash SWE or just click the link in our show notes. But here's the thing, remember, when you're stimulating your G-Spot, you have to go slow,

you want to go steady and slow and be patient. It takes a while, you've never woken up this part of you. I'm telling you, we all have these nerve endings, but you have to be patient. It might not happen the first time, but I want you to breathe and get curious. What am I feeling in the moment? How does it feel with this toy to be inside of me, right? What angles feel good to me? You want to get curious about it?

You know, with literal stimulation, you can go faster. You know how to do that. But the G area that likes it low and slow. So have fun exploring, take your time, and enjoy all those incredible nerve endings all over your body. Let me know how it goes. Don't go anywhere because after the break, I'm talking group masturbation parties and what you all want to know, how often should you be masturbating?

Talk to Tom 61 in Tampa. Hey Tom, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Hey, how you doing? I'm great. Several years back, I heard a term called a Jack and Jill party. Okay. And I don't know if you know about that or heard about that or in the current thing. No, I feel like is it where everyone's jacking off or is it also a bachelor party where people are like, it's like women and men invited to a bachelor party? No, I think it's from what I understand is I've never attended one or some pictures really so much of one. I've just heard about it. I think it was more the former wedges people to get together

and masturbate of all sexes and what i said is it's kind of like uh... more of a safe uh... place rather than just cooking up randomly and you know you know i'm saying yeah i've heard about masturbation parties i've heard about things like this

uh... i have a good job and i have heard about this it's been years since i've heard about masturbation parties, I've heard about things like this. I have a Jack and I have heard about this. It's been years since I've heard about it. I haven't been invited to one lately. But it kind of reminds me of cuddle parties, which was started about 15, 20 years ago. So I feel that, you know, you're asking because you want to go to a party like this, Tom, or you're just go to a party like this time or you're just wondering because your show is pretty intriguing and I haven't heard of a show like this in some time. There hasn't been.

What? I'm, you know, I love your show. So I've just been, thought I would just reach out. I'm looking. It's like group sex. Okay, get together of male and females. I'm looking this up. I heard about this years ago, a man feels get together and they master bait in a safe space.

You know, like the parties I've been to, like sex parties or play parties or swing a party, typically they are like really safe and not skeasy. You have to follow certain rules. You have to be invited by somebody. You know, you and people are very respectful because you're like, you just don't go up to someone like Jack Off on them. It's like people are there to kind of maybe their warriors or maybe their power numbers and so there's I find that people who are in the sex positive community and who are into a lifestyle or kinky or sex or

trying new things are typically really cool people. They're not the ones that I'm worried about. Yeah, like when you go to, there's like a, you would ask for, you know, permission if you will. Yeah, consent. It's very consent based. Yeah, like in a, in a more kinky or bd sm fashion be like well there's limits are safe words but it's already

uh... pronounced or defined when you say jack and jill party so i thought i was just you know i think thanks tom you know i think she'll bring it up i think people are concerned will try to find one in your area if they did thanks for let's talk to josh thirty five in a 35 in Ohio. Hi Josh, what's going on? Do you believe in masturbation?

Should you do weekly, monthly? Yes. Every other week, more than once a day. Yes. No, I believe in masturbation. Masturbation is part of being sexually healthy overall. I don't think there's any sinful or shameful about masturbation.

Now, when you do masturbate all the time, for some people it can become a problem, because then they can't like go to work anymore and they can have relationships. But I think that masturbation and being, you know, itself love, if you think about it. So, yeah, I have no problem with it. Well, I didn't know, should you do it daily, weekly?

Yeah. How is it working for you? I think daily, does it feel good? Do it daily, weekly? How is it working for you? I think daily, if it feels good, do it daily. What about more, what about more, what about more, what about today? Well, some people do it more than once a day. The reason that I ask is because I live with somebody, a relative of mine, and I didn't think it would be right to do it in their house, you know what I mean? Oh, I see what you're saying. I mean, I think if you're discreet, are you doing it in the shower or you keep,

you lock your door, that it's, this is what, it's part of being healthy overall is masturbating. So I understand what you're saying and it feels disrespectful, but I also think that, you know, we all gotta live in some ways. So I think if you are respectful

and you don't put it in their face, then I think it's fine, okay? Thank you, thanks for your call. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Jessica. This is from Stanley 54 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily. For the past six months, sex with my girlfriend of almost three years has been off.

My drive is high and it seems like her drive isn't. She tells me that she just feels overwhelmed with work, kids, activities, stress, et cetera. She doesn't feel she has any time for herself. and when we do have sex, it's okay, but seems more clumsy lately. I bought her a vibrator last year, and she does enjoy it. Lately, I've learned that she will not be in the mood for sex, but will use her vibrator after.

I like the idea of it, but I can't help but feel a little jealous. I don't have to be there, but I love to hear about it. It turns me on. How can I get past this jealousy? All right, Stanley, thank you for your email question. Let me first say this. I like that she's still masturbating and taking care of herself. So I think that part is a good thing.

You know, we have to keep our own pilot like, let we all do it. We are responsible for our own desire, or rousal for being turned on in the mood. But you could have a conversation with her outside the bedroom as I always recommend about your sex life and about your connection and what you're both craving right now. Listen, I have to say that stress, anxiety, kids work, those are things that keep us from feeling turned on and in the mood for sex.

So that is all valid too, be experiencing anxiety. And one way to out believe in anxiety is by having an orgasm and masturbation is the easy way to get there. That said, she's also potentially if she's around your age in parimenopause or menopause. And I don't think we talk about this enough, but women go through this period of life for about eight to 10 years on average. And so there's sex drive changes, there's pain, there's actually more anxiety, there's just a lot of stuff that happens and if she wants to, she could check out our friends, Odela Howl, if I just love Odela Howl, if they're doing for women's out, they can call in,

have a virtual appointment, maybe if she's got hormonal challenges, they can prescribe something for her. So I would check that out. But I would recommend that you do a conversation with her outside the bedroom and just talk to her and say, what is it with our sex life? What are the things that you love about it? What's missing from it? What can we do to continue to be great lovers to each other? Because listen, I want to remind you and remind everybody that your sex life with a partner is going to change over time. What you want the third year is it could be the same as the first year Stanley, and if you were so for 20 years, it's certainly going to change what it was in year five or 10. I want everyone to understand this, which is why it's so important to have really candid, open, curious conversations with our partners

about the status of our sex life and what we're into, because we are not mine readers. I love that she's into toys. Have you thought about incorporating a vibrator into your sex life? Something like a couple's vibe, like a cock ring. Lalo makes the brand new Tor-3. I love their Tor-2, but now there's a Tor-3, so I want to tell you about it.

It's a flexible vibrating cock ring that brings great pleasure to both of you. And you all know I always say that toys feel great on penises too and the Tor 3 is wonderful because it feels great for your partner because it vibrates. The vibrating ring and it stimulates her clitoris during penetration. And again, it's going to feel great on you. It's going to feel great on her. She can also take the ring off and just use it on her clitoris. There's a lot of different ways to use vibrators. Remember that. So the Tor 3 is a whole is the next level of the Tor 2. Has more pleasure settings and intensities and get this. It's connected to their Laylo app via Bluetooth. So you have even more control over

the Tor 3 and you can take turns controlling it, which is a really fun way to play. A couple of Tor like this could also help you get acclimated with the idea of bringing vibes into the bedroom if that's something that either one of you have tried or you're not comfortable with, this will do it for you. When I have to remind you that maybe she's not being stimulated enough you know, with penetration or with foreplay. That's really, really common not to not use damage, but many love owners don't have the most pleasure during penetration and using a toy like this could really help her get her needs met and yours. And what I love also is you can get 25% off all Laylo products, just use code sex with

Emily at checkout. Go to Laylo.com that's Ellie L.O. .com use code sex with Emily for 25% off. Just click the link in our show notes. So that's one thing I would try, you know, bring toys in the bedroom and you can also just let her know that you think it's hot for her to engage in solo play. So in case she's feeling shameful about it, you said you found out that she does it. I think letting her know that you think it's hot and encouraging it, maybe she'll share

with you what goes down because that could be another fun way for you guys to play. Maybe she'll dirty with you what goes down. Because that could be another fun way for you guys to play. Maybe she'll dirty talk it to you. So if you also approach this topic with curiosity and interest and being open, she'll be way more likely to share her experiences with you so you won't feel left out. And listen, sometimes masturbation is just an easier, quicker way to orgasm.

And especially if she's having stress. It's what I remind you of that. So don't forget to have conversations with our scheduled time for intimacy that will be doesn't even involve sex, maybe just about connection. I want to remind everyone that we center so much on penetration, but sometimes it's just about wanting to hold hands or make out. But I guarantee once you have these open and curious and oddest conversations and figure out how she might have more desire for partner play, I know that your sex life is going to blossom. Thanks, Stanley. Let's talk to a woman who would like to rename anonymous

38 years old. Hello there. Hello. Hi. How you doing? How can I help you? Hi, I am dating someone who has been alone his whole life. He's 49 years old and he has never been with a woman before. And I'm his first person that he's been with and he is not able to ejaculate when home you are having sex and it's just becoming like, it's making me feel bad about myself. You know, totally understand that. So your partner's ability, yeah. It's just because he's used to doing it himself, you know. It's true, yeah, especially at 49. He's been masturbating for a long time and he's been doing it one way.

Yeah. It is nothing to do. I just tell you this that our partners are rousal level. If your partner has erection or doesn't have erection, if they have an orgasm, don't have an orgasm, it's typically does nothing to do with their female partner. Or even with women sometimes, like our rousal level, like we could be really turned on but not be wet. So anyway, I think that actually, especially because he's 49,

I mean, I see this with a lot of younger people as well that are new to sex, new to sex with a partner that if you are only way you've orgasmed for God knows, let's say 40-year-old, I don't know how he's masturbating, let's say, 38-5 years has been with his hand in one position and one way. When he starts having sex in a vagina,

it's a completely different experience. So it's really about muscle memory. A lot of this is like how we actually have orgasms or how we experience pleasure, what gets us off. We typically have to mimic things that we're used to, right? We have to mimic our hand or our vagina. So maybe when he's inside of you, you could also take your hand and maybe

Guy it in and out like kind of grip it at the base Move it up and down as he's going in and out. He could I mean does it feel good does it sex feel good to you? He's really interesting But he says it as the ham too. Yes, but I don't know It doesn't have to listen to me. So many women were like, oh, my partner can't stay hard or they can't come. I'm telling you 99.9% of the time that men are having challenges around erection or ejaculation have nothing to do with their partner.

It has to do with them watching porn, perhaps as do a sexual trauma, it has to do with their partner. It has to do with them watching porn, perhaps let's do a sexual trauma. It has to do with their conditioning and their wiring. But I'm certain that he is having sex with you and that's all he can think about. And he's attracted to you and he's been waiting 49 years for this moment. He just doesn't have the training down yet. So I telling you, it's not you. Yeah, I know this. I'm not even there. Oh, good. That's why I'm here. No, it's not you. I wouldn't put pressure on me there because also what happens is and I before I knew I would do that as well. I'd

go, you're not attracted to me. But then that makes them feel bad because it's so not true, right? I mean, they're so attracted to you. And then that makes them feel bad, because it's so not true, right? I mean, they're so attracted to you. And then that makes them feel worse, but then they get anxious and worried, and that makes it even worse. So if you can just be sharing, say, I got it, it's okay, you'll come when you're ready, and don't, you'll apply additional pressure,

because I've told you the truth here. I'm telling you, I know. Yeah. Yeah. You might be more likely to come what's he relaxes into it. But if it's as an additional layer, like, and now she thinks I don't even like her, then we've got other problems.

All right, so just enjoy it. Have a good time. Get your needs met. All right, thanks for calling. Appreciate you. You guys listen, that is such an easy thing to happen and common that we are so concerned that our partner isn't responding to us in the way that we think they should, that it's confusing, and then we automatically blame ourselves and think

we're doing something wrong. I tend to hear this from women more than men, but I know that women do it as well. But women already start from a place of like sexist performative and what can I do to get my partner off? And it's all about the men's orgasm and not my orgasm and it must be because I gained weight or I don't look good, you know, I'm doing something wrong. It must be me while he can't ejaculate, you know, and I get it. That chain of thinking makes sense.

But if we're talking about medically speaking, physiologically speaking, just not the truth. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex.

That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily Podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you