Sex With Emily - Masturbation Pro Tips (Part 2)

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

How exactly does masturbation help a sexual partnership? Let me count the ways…It’s Part 2 of our Masturbation Pro Tips series, and in today’s episode, we’re talking solo sex in the context of a relationship. I’m addressing some of the most common questions I get on the subject, such as: “if I already have a partner, why masturbate?” and: “if I masturbate in private, is it cheating?” We also discuss whether or not you should tell your partner if you masturbate, and touch briefly on porn addiction: starting with, is it real? Plus, I take your questions! How to set up your own “masturbation zone” when you live with a partner, whether it’s possible to have fantasy-free masturbation sessions, what to do if you can orgasm on your own but not with a partner, and much more. Show Notes:How to Find the Best Lube for YouMasturbation Pro Tips (Part 1) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I know why people think it's not right because they feel that it's cheating. You shouldn't have to masturbate without me. Like you shouldn't have to on that. It means that you want to be with somebody else or I'm not enough for you. Right? That's the refrain. The people who are telling you not to masturbate feel less than and they feel that you are choosing your solo sex over them.

And it really just comes down to education and communication. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. How exactly does masturbation help a sexual partnership? Let me count the ways. Well, it's part two of our masturbation pro-tip series, and in today's episode, we're talking solo sex

in the context of a relationship. So I'm dressing some of the most common questions I get on the subject, such as, if I already have a partner, why masturbate? Or if I masturbate in private, is it cheating? We also discuss whether or not you should tell your partner if you masturbate and touch briefly on porn addiction, starting with, is it cheating? We also discussed whether or not you should tell your partner if you masturbate, and touch briefly on porn addiction, starting with, is it real?

Plus, I take your questions. How to set up your own masturbation zone when you live with a partner, whether it's possible to have fantasy free masturbation sessions, what to do if you can orgasm on your own, but not with a partner, and much more. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. So what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention is to demystify the idea that it's somehow wrong if

you masturbate well in a relationship and show how pleasurable and important it can be to your sexual health. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, How to Find the Best Loop for You, is up at sexwithemily.com. And check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash askemily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And you can totally change your name if you want to remain anonymous.

Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. I get tons of questions about masturbating from people who are already in a relationship all the time. And these questions usually have some common themes, right? Well, they're often along the lines of guilt or shame. People feeling bad that they do masturbate, even though partridge sex is an option, right? Like why am I masturbating if I could have partnered sex? Or people wondering why they should masturbate when they could just have intercourse?

Well, we're going to get into these concerns in a moment. I'll answer them specifically. But first, I want to offer some clarity around masturbation in the context of a partnership and talk about how it serves a fundamentally different purpose than sex with a partner. Alright, number one, solo sex and partnered sex serve two different sets of fundamental human needs. Sometimes we conflate masturbation and sex, because while we have the same goal in both, to achieve orgasm, so we think they're interchangeable. I can masturbate or I could have sex. But even if that's not our goal, type of orgasm, and in my opinion, it's much healthier to have

pleasure as the goal, and the journey there is fundamentally different when you're not focused on orgasm. But the truth is, there is value in each of these separate journeys, and I think masturbation gets knocked down as being less valuable because we think of it as a cheap stand in for the real thing. This isn't, quote, right? We think, oh, like the real thing is penetration, but masturbation, I'm just going to like, it's like your fast food of sex. I'm just going to have some fast food here until I can have the real thing. But nothing could be further from the truth because at the end of the day, masturbation

is about self-care and using your imagination and your own ability to make yourself feel loved and cared for which is really, really empowering to have that kind of connection with your own body. Now, part of sex is about emotional connection and intimacy and pleasure and orgasm it can be and a give and take where ideally we're both really attuned to each other's needs. Often, we do outsource our pleasure to our partners and we have the attitude that like, oh, I don't need to masturbate or I don't need to do anything else sexual. My partner has to be in the room because they're the only ones that can give me that body pleasure. I don't feel right about

my own hands doing it and I'm feeling right about masturbation, my partner is there to make me feel good and loved and desired. Now, don't get me wrong. Partnered sex is critical for most relationships. If you want to be a healthy relationship, I'm not saying that you should substitute masturbation for partnered sex. But what I am saying is that what masturbation does is it cultivates a different sexual strength than

partnered sex does. It nurtures a different skill set. And so you can use this strength though that you are cultivating during your own masturbation solo sex time to benefit your partnership. Take a listen to part one of this show. It's my masturbation pro-tip series we released a few weeks ago and you'll hear some partnership. Take a listen to part one of this show. It's my MasterBation Pro Tip Series. We released it a few weeks ago and you'll hear some really interesting statistics on how many of you are masterbiting currently, as well as all the profound health benefits and we'll also link that episode here in the show notes. But for a relationship, again, MasterBation has two benefits.

It helps understand the touch, the sensations, and even the psychological arousal we like. Number two, it takes the pressure of our partners to provide all this pleasure for us. That the only time I can feel sexy and feel that kind of pleasure is with a partner. You know, when we're with our partner, ideally that sex is more of a given take, and it can be really greedy or it can be all touristic. It's just a different kind of connection. And usually when healthy partner sex we're there because we're giving and receiving.

So that's what I want to say about partnered versus masturbation sex. Let me get into the common question I get asked on the subject. And that is, I've got a partner. Why should I masturbate? And to me, this question's like, well, I already did it with my partner. Why should I ever die alone? Or I already work out with my partner.

Why should I exercise alone? And here's the thing about our alone time, about solitude. When we're alone, we have time to be incredibly intentional about our psychological, our sensual, and our physical inputs. You can think about all of these things. We're not distracted, we're not worried, you know, as our partner doing okay, and what does my orgasm face look like,

and what am I doing right now? Like, we're really on our own personal pleasure journey. And we don't take care of anyone else. And that's why masturbation is a gift. It's a weight experience pleasure and understand our turn-ons. And once we do that, then we take this data back to our partners. But it's a simple answer why to masturbate.

Now if you also look at some of the health benefits we looked at in part one of this series, you're also taking care of your health when you masturbate. You just are. You better sleep. There's more in dolphins, oxytocin, you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles for deeper orgasms. It's all upside, very little downside. So on that note, let's get into the second most common question I get asked along these lines, and that is, if I masturbate in private, is it cheating? Well, my short answer is no, no, it's not.

But usually, people ask this question because they're feeling guilty about the arousal inputs they're using while they're masturbating, like porn. So the real question is, how can I make my masturbation intentional by being open about it with my partner? I mean, doesn't that what you're really asking? When you love to masturbate and have your cake, you need to do, have your porn and watch it do? Like, how you're really saying, how can I make masturbation intentional and be able to my partner?

Because wouldn't you love it if you could just, yes, I masturbate, my partner knows about it. Sometimes you do it together because when we're making it more intentional, the goal here is that we don't feel like furtive, secretive, compulsive, it doesn't feel so dirty and wrong and shameful, and to provide greater context for porn and masturbation,

let me reuse some quotes from a really great article on this. So there was a large study in 2020, published by the APA, or the American Psychological Association, and they found that people's cultural, moral, or religious beliefs may lead them to believe they're addicted to pornography, even if they don't watch porn. So if you think you're struggling with pornography, it's most likely that you're struggling

with a conflict of your own personal values around your sexual behaviors, not really the porn itself. And there's another interesting takeaway from this article. At what point does your pleasure from watching porn become problematic? Well, there's no clear answer to this because it varies from person to person, but a very simple way to know porn

is a problem in your relationship. Is it think about are there consequences? Does all of your porn watching mean that you can no longer be a wrecked with a partner? You can no longer have sex with your partner. Does it mean that you're late to work all the time because you're watching porn and you're skipping out of the middle of the day and you lost your job? Are there consequences to it?

Are you obsessing about porn all day long and you can't get any other thoughts in your head when you're with your partner? Is it really hard to get off without porn? Those are when you're like, okay, well, maybe I should look at my relationship to porn. Another important part of this study was that, and this is true with most addictions, I'd say, all addictions, that people who struggle with their pornography viewing always have an underlying disorder, most commonly depression, which requires treatment. And these are people who are drug addicts, who are alcoholics, who are food addicts. There's always

an underlying thing that we're trying to treat with our addiction, right? Whether it's nicotine, anything, there's something that we are not dealing with, anxiety, depression, and so really the alcohol or the watching porn is a symptom of a deeper problem. One final point is that women report overwhelmingly positive effects from viewing pornography, primarily when they use it to increase their sex drive with a partner or experience sexual pleasure and get this, when couples view pornography together, they tend to report a more satisfying sex life. Can we just make masturbation normal and healthy part of self-care? We're all going to do it or we should do it or we could do it more. It really is important for your overall health and wellbeing. And no, it is not cheating, but it might be a missing piece here around communication. Because we can talk openly to our partners

about our masturbation practice. We open the door for like just so much emotional intimacy. I get it that your partner might have worry about it. And you're, you know, maybe they've said the past, if you masturbate, it's cheating. But I'm giving you all this information because perhaps you can provide this with your partner and show them that it's actually part of being sexually healthy. And that masturbation is, you know, important practice, whether you're in a relationship, out of a relationship. So I'm hoping that you can advocate for yourself the next time you find yourself secretly

hiding porn or feeling guilty about it, you can share this with your partner. And there's a lot of hot things you can do together under this round, like mutual masturbation. Let's talk about that. There are so many benefits to mutual masturbation. But if you've never tried it, I get it. It's intimidating. You're thinking like, what? Like I'm going to pull down my pants and start masturbating even my partner. How the hell like, what? Like I'm gonna pull down my pants and start masturbating even in my partner. How the hell does that happen? It's making me feel really, really awkward.

A recent study found that 51% of folks in a relationship say they've masturbated with their partner's present, but the other half have never tried mutual masturbation. So first, you want to have a casual conversation. Let your partner know it's something you want to have a casual conversation, let your partner know it's something you want to try out. You might say like, I'd love to see how you touch yourself, or would you be up for masturbating together sometime? Listen to what they have to say about it. You know, I really want to say that my two biggest things about why I love me to masturbation is because not only are you know, you're going to get off, it's a sure thing,

you know how to please yourself, but it's also like you get to watch your partner and they get to watch you and they see what you do to get yourself off. How you touch yourself, how you move your fingers, how you move your hands. You know, I remember being with a partner and like saying like, oh, when he's masturbating, he puts his hand over his balls and his other hands over the shaft. So I know now, like those are sensitive parts for him. So now when I'm pleasing him, I incorporate that into our play. You can think about it though, this way, it's also kind of like in a course in the sense of there's positions.

You don't have to just lay down side by side unless you want to. So someone could be on top, the other could be on the bottom, we'll use hands or toys to stimulate yourself. You could also do like a modified spoon position or laying down on your sides facing each other. There's lots of options.

And I just need you all to get over there like, this is so awkward, I can't believe we have to mutually masturbate, you know, because it really is an erotic way to exercise your inner voyeur, your inner exhibitionist. And it's kind of kinky in a way that like it's allowing for closest intimacy, but it's got an extra little twist to it. The other thing I love about mutual masturbation is that you can do it virtually. Why not just do some FaceTime, my mutual masturbation every now and then? That's really fun, especially if you're camping in the same place.

Ooh, another point that I love about mutual masturbation is this. If you've been struggling with bringing a toy into the bedroom or you're worried what your partner is going to think about it, using one during mutual masturbation normalizes, having a toy, using a toy in the buzzing and having that part of your sexual experience. Because sometimes that is really intimidating to you all. You're like, well, I don't want to show my partner my vibrator because they've said something. I'll feel they'll say something.

But what I've found is that most times when a partner sees you with your toy and it's bringing you pleasure, they're gonna be like, wow, where's that been our whole life? Let's bring it in, you know, and I think the intimidation comes from the unknown. From this, like, what's my role gonna be if a vibrator is there? There's just a lot of confusion and misunderstanding,

but this is a great opportunity to bring it in to your situation. And you can even use your toy and your partner and say, like, look, this is how it feels, and this is how it feels on you, and you can just kind of use it on their body and their neck, put it over their nipples, their penis, their vulva, whatever they have. So it's really fun to play with. There you have it. All the reasons masturbation can help you in your partnership, and ideas for helping you incorporate masturbation directly into your partnership. So let's take a quick break and then I'm going to get into all of

your masturbation questions. Alright, this is from Travis 27 in the United States. Hey Dr. Mlee, okay, first question is, why are a lot of females telling guys not to masturbate? Second question, is it okay to masturbate as long as I just do it without thinking of anything or looking at porn? Travis, it's okay to do it. However you want to do it. Having all these conditions and rules

around your masturbation Travis is not what I want for your masturbation practice or anyone's. So I don't know if you're in a relationship or not, but it sounds like maybe you are or you've had some messaging around, it's not okay to watch porn and to masturbate, either in your current relationship,

or you've been in a relationship or you're told it's not okay. That's why I'm doing this episode, because I hear this every single day, and I really believe it's because partners just don't seem to understand, it is actually part of being healthy overall. If you say I'm a healthy person, but I don't believe in masturbation,

I don't touch myself, and then I would say, are you really that healthy? Because your sexual health, the wellness is an important part of your overall wellness, right? So I think that you have to masturbate how you want to masturbate and then be in a relationship with somebody who supports that and who understands that, you're going to masturbate in a relationship and out of a relationship. Maybe you could listen to this episode in the last episode with your partner.

Because again, I know why people think it's not right because they feel that it's cheating. You shouldn't have to masturbate without me. Like you shouldn't have to on that. It means that you wanna be with somebody else or I'm not enough for you, right? That's the refrain. The people who are telling you not to masturbate feel less than and they feel that you are choosing your solo sex over them. And it really just comes

down to education and communication. I don't know how else to like break it down for these people. Like it's simply not healthy for your partners to be regulating your masturbation, routine again, unless there's a problem with it, unless there's an addiction, unless it's impacted other areas of your life. So I would talk about this with your partner Travis or your future partners and let them know straight up that this is part of me being sexually healthy overall and I masturbate and this is what I do and this is the kind of porn I watch. Eventually you get to a place I hope where you want to know what kind of porn your partner watches

and when they get off and how they get off, how are you going to masturbate without thinking of anything or looking at porn? Like you're not going to think anything? Are you a Buddha? Are you a meditator? Are you the most mindful meditator masturbator on the planet that you're going to be able to just kind of lay back and have no thoughts and no porn? I mean, come on, Travis, it's not a realistic ask from a partner or from anyone. Think about it. Like, if you work out with your partner sometimes, like, sometimes I go to yoga and I work out with my partner and then sometimes he goes without me.

Sometimes he lives without me. I don't feel like I can't believe you lived a way without me and you went to see that yoga yogurt teacher without me. I'm like great. You got a benefit. You got your endorphins on you did your thing You know, we'll do it again this weekend. We'll work out like see what I'm saying guys That's how I want you to think about masturbation and your sex practice, okay? So Travis Listen to this show understand it share it with a partner. You're all good. Nothing wrong here Just a lot of misinformation. We have to provide accurate information now for everybody. This is from Carrie 23 in Oklahoma. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been listening to your show for a couple months now and it's helped me to be more open and comfortable talking and having

sex with my boyfriend. I want to try masturbating together with him. He has said it would be super sexy before as well. But I get too embarrassed. I guess I'm just curious if you have any tips to get over this. First, I want to recognize Carrie that, yeah, it's awkward. A lot of these sex things are awkward. Having sex conversations are awkward. Mutual masturbation could be awkward. You know, even getting on top for the first time during sex can be awkward. All of it is, but not awkward in a way that like you can't do it. So maybe you laugh it off. Maybe you're like, okay, let's meet you, man.

Wait, wow, this is weird as I'm taking off my pants and trying to do this thing. Like, that's okay. But you're with a boyfriend and you want to see you do it and you want to do it. And I think you're just going to get through it. I know you are, but this is maybe easier said than done. So maybe start with just some kind of regular connection, you know, kissing, making out for play, and then maybe you could have your toy nearby, your hands nearby, and you can you know, say like, okay, I'm going to show you how I touch myself and it can just sort

of start more organically. When you're already hooking up, you can start to touch yourself. You can bring in your toys. Maybe you guys play like one of these great card games they have now where you're already hooking up, you can start to touch yourself. You can bring in your toys. Maybe you guys play one of these great card games they have now. Where you're asking to their questions. Maybe that could lead to some more playful time. But I think just telling your partner that you're ready to do it, and that it feels a little awkward to you.

Just stating that, just saying, this is uncomfortable. Your partner's going to know how to make you feel really comfortable. I don't know. If I told my partner I was nervous about something, I would expect that my partner would be like, it's okay, babe, let's do this. Let's go slow. It's okay. I think you're really hot. Let me just see what you do here. And I'll start and they would be comforting for you. But I think that we think we got to show up, super confident and ready to do this. They go, let me take my pants off and let me start

masturbating. No, you've never done it before. But what I know and what I hope will give you encouragement here, Carrie, is that you're gonna find that it's really something that you enjoy and that gets you off and you learn telling about your partner and it can be really fun. So we're just talking about those first few moments of a little bit of anxiety, but with a loving partner,

I think they're gonna help you. They're gonna literally take your hand and guide you where you wanna go. You got this, Carrie think they're gonna help you. They're gonna literally take your hand and guide you where you want to go. You got this, Carrie. Thank you for your email. This is from Page 30 in New York. Hey, Dr. Anley. My fiance and I moved in together about nine months ago after three years of dating. Recently, I've been struggling with wanting more sex than we're having. I've spoken with my partner about this and it's something we're working on.

He works long hours and is usually exhausted during the week. We're still having sex three or four times a week but to me the difference from the beginning of our relationship when we were having sex constantly to now feels scary. Logically, I know this happens in long-term relationships so I think my feelings are rooted in low self-esteem and fear of my partner getting bored of me. I thought maybe masturbating more would help relieve the pressure on both parties, but now I can't seem to do it anymore. I used to all the time. Now that we live together, I feel that this is our space and our bed and I can't quite get comfortable masturbating in this environment.

It's not that my partner would be upset or have to hide it, it's just psychological, I guess. Is there a way I can overcome this and make this space feel more intimate for myself? A great question page. First I was saying, I love how self-aware you are. I love that you're like, yeah, I know that where I've been still 11 sex three or four times a week, but it's myself a steam and I have a fear of being left. The fact that you know that is amazing and maybe it's not so much that you're craving the sex, sex might be a stand-in for some intimacy and connection you're craving from your partner on the days where you're not having sex. So I want to ask you this, is there

something that happens during sex? Like maybe that's when you feel the closest to it, maybe that's when you make out and you get to talk afterwards, you talk before, and you feel really held and supported. So the days you're not having that, you just feel more alone, and you say, your partner's working really long hours and he's exhausted. So I think you're just feeling like you need a connection and what the solver that might be, maybe it's like you need an additional one

or two hours a week, or maybe it's 30 minutes where you feel seen and Connected an intimate with your partner. Maybe it's holding hands. Maybe it's watching TV together I would think about this for a minute and think like what am I actually missing here? Because what I found was so many couples is that we say we want the sex and we're craving the sex But there's something else that we're needing here and especially because it's three to four days a week To me that feels like a good clip and hearing what you're all about here, you just might need some more hand holding, you might be some more affection.

So once you've figured that out with your partner and you start to feel safer and more supported by your partner, then I think you're going to have a lot easier time masturbating in your home. And taking a lot of the advice and episode and realizing that I can be connected to my partner and now I'm going to fill myself up with my own self-love and my own touch and my own pleasure. Sounds like your cup is going to be pretty full then page once you sort this out with your partner and your own knowing about what you deeply and truly need. But even before that, if you have a block around thinking

that the space is just for you and your partner, what I've found is that once you start to understand masturbation, they're really supportive of their partner taking space to care for themselves. You know, take some time to kind of set the space and look around your home and maybe you like take a bath or you set the mood or you do something special to kind of distinguish your bedroom from feeling different or being different than it normally is. You know you can put a blanket down a different kind of blanket you

could like candles different lighting create an intention around it what I really love talking about and sharing is a practice of mindful masturbation, where we're masturbating without necessarily the goal of having orgasm, but the goal is really about exploring and understanding our bodies, creating space for you to give yourself permission. And saying, like, I deserve this. I'm taking my time to please myself sexually. I deserve this in my home, you know?

So I think that owning your own practice, knowing you deserve it and taking some time for yourself will help you to feel more comfortable with your intimacy all around. This is from Amanda 24 in Michigan. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been masturbating since I was a 14. Organisms are never difficult when I masturbate, hands, toys, shower head, however I find that orgasm is so much more difficult with a partner. I've been my current partner for over 4 years now. He's so patient with me, he prioritizes my pleasure, I'm in school currently to become a sex educator and a sex therapist, I feel like I know my stuff.

However, it seems like, no matter what I do, orgasm in with a partner takes forever. It took me six months of being a bicurrent partner if I was able to orgasm in front of them and took three hours of stimulation. Fast forward to now, generally, I'm the one stimulating my clutter to the vibrator. I'm fine using a toy, but it's frustrating

how long it takes me to orgasm with a partner when it's so easy on my own. I can have three to four orgasms solo but as soon as he's around it's like my clitoris loses sensation. I'll be wet but the sensation is reduced. Also nothing he does to stimulate me on his own has ever led me to orgasm. It's not like he doesn't know where to stimulate it feels like we tried everything mutual masturbation, toys, taking a long time, communication, bondage, but nothing changes. I know this is mental, I try not to put too much pressure on orgasming, but I can't quite figure out what mentally is leading me to lose sensation with a partner.

Help! Alright, Amanda, you've done a lot, you've done it all, you've tried, tried, tried, but I'm wondering, what have you done to really let go of your thoughts and get out of your head and into your body. When I'm feeling yours, there's a lot of mental work here. You're thinking, am I going to orgasm? Am I not going to orgasm? But what I'm not hearing is that you've tried a presence. You've tried mindfulness. You've tried focusing on your breath. At every time you think, I'm not feeling anything. What's you doing? Why aren't I orgasming it? You go back to your breath, and I'm talking deep,

deep belly breaths where you're like focusing on your inhale and your exhale. And that's when you're really going to start to be able to move the energy through your body. You're not going to feel so stuck in your head. And you're going to be able to maybe perhaps start to feel sensations like picture yourself breathing deeply and feeling your pelvic floor when you're having sex. Now a breath doesn't really go down a pelvic floor but maybe

you can just try to picture that. And then you can kind of tense and relax your pelvic floor muscles which are you're like essentially doing a cagl exercise. Because those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm anyways. You might as well like flex them tense them relax them and get in touch with your body and your breath and try to release all of these thoughts in your head. This is just really a more mindful way of having sex because when you're in your head and you're in your thoughts, you can't also be in your body. It just doesn't, they don't work, okay? It doesn't work together. So you could also try focusing on your five senses, thinking about like what you're smelling and what you're hearing and what you're tasting and

where your hands are. Because in that moment when you're focusing on your senses, it's a way to ground yourself in the present moment. So I just think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and I'd love you to start a healthy, bidefulist practice that you could also use during in a course. So I always recommend starting a mindful practice or a meditation practice on your own and not in the context of sex that will really help you in the bedroom. However, however you want to try it, Amanda, this is what I feel you need. Please let me know how it goes. RJ30 in New York.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been with my wife for seven years. I have a two-year-old son. He's active and I'm an executive at a large company. My wife is very entrepreneurial, but she's a stay-at-home mom for now. This is the life that she wanted, and this is the life I promised her, and this is the life she was given. Recently, I noticed that our sexual encounters have dwindled. We still have sex twice a day when we were married, three times a week once the baby came, but some things changed in the last few months. We're probably having sex twice a month now. She also takes it

very personally if I masturbate and questions me about it on occasion as if I'm supposed to save myself until she's interested. I just really want to know what tools I can use to spice up our sex life. We can't just take off and go on vacation alone right now. I want to know what she's thinking. I want to tap into her fantasies. I know she has them but she's too scared to share them. Let me know you can't get away or get out of town right now but can you have a date night where it's just about the two of you? Let me tell you, couples who prioritize date night for years at a time like they say once a week for the rest of our lives.

For the next few years, we are going to prioritize date night. That means that you're getting out of the home. It's just the two of you and you can even have rules. We're not allowed to talk about the kids. We're not allowed to bring our phones. And then you can just focus on the two of you and even have rules. We're not allowed to talk about the kids. We're not allowed to bring our phones. And then you can just focus on the two of you and enhancing your relationship. You mentioned that she's entrepreneurial and now she's home.

And maybe she's just feeling not very inspired. She's a home taking care of a toddler and you're out working. A conversation with her, when you're out to dinner and you're on date night, just talking about your sex life and saying, like I'd really love to kind of find our erotic connection again, really important part of your connection and your marriage is to have erotic

collaboration to have her turned on. And you want to know where her fantasies are. And you know, you guys can do the yes, no, maybe list together. You could start to listen to this podcast together, which a lot of couples do. You know, it's how they she just might need a little bit of inspiration. She might need a little bit of getting into her body again. What's she doing for herself right now besides mothering? Is she getting misogys? Is she exercising? Is she moving her body? Is she in a healthy place? Because getting our sex drive back or having libido and being

interested in sex, there's a lot of factors that go into it. It's our hormones, it's our mental state, it's our physical state, it's if we're taking any medications, like there's so many things that go into us feeling sexual and feeling connected, being a supportive partner to her going to dinner or just taking time to say like, I want you to feel sexy and comfortable and inspired and like, what can we do together? And remember, this is an ongoing conversation and letting her know that it's something that you want to help cultivate in the relationship is really, really important. Now the best herbation part, you know, I think that you also could talk about that and let her know that like it is something that you're going to do in the relationship on your

own because it's solo sex, it's a self-love practice and definitely encourage her on her own as well. You guys might be great candidates for mutual masturbation, maybe getting her toy or kind of exploring what she does when she touches herself. If she touches herself, it sounds like maybe your wife just hasn't had a lot of experience talking about sex or initiating sex is what you said. So I would just kind of start from the beginning. This might be the very first time you've had a mindful conversation about sex and then make a plan together how you're both going to learn to be the best lovers to each other because that's really what this is about. Alright thanks for your email RJ I appreciate you.

That's it for today's episode see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com.

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