Sex With Emily - Masturbation Stats & Orgasm Facts

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about women’s orgasms and the masturbation habits of Americans. Plus, she’s taking your sex and relationship questions.She discusses some of the latest research about women’s orgasms and some thoughts on it, how often Americans are masturbating – what they’re thinking about, and so much more, and whether sex addiction is real and if it’s over or under diagnosed. Plus, ways to keep things sexy when you’re trying to conceive.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about women's orgasms and the masturbation habits of Americans. Plus, I'm taking your sex and relationship calls. Topics include all the latest research about women's orgasms and how we feel about it. How often Americans are masturbating, what they're thinking about, and so much more. Is sex addiction real, and is it over or under diagnosed? And you're trying to conceive, but how do you keep things sexy? All this more. Thanks for listening. Ex addiction real and is it over or under diagnosed? And you're trying to conceive but how do you keep things sexy? All this more, thanks for listening. Our sacred institutions, Betrubized, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The world's got a standard, oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. Find us on all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board.

Also, intentions. I invite you to set an attention for the show with me, as we do at the start of every show. What I mean is, when you're listening, think about like what you want to get out of listening to this episode. How could it help you? And it could be like, oh wow, I want to see if my masturbation habits are like everybody else. Or hey, if you talk about science and sex, I'm in. My intention for the show is to give you more knowledge, more insights around orgasms, pleasure, masturbation, so you can find some peace of mind in your own practices.

Alright, guys, enjoy the show. Okay, here's something. This is a year in review, the latest sex research on women's orgasms. Turns out that body movement appears to be associated with orgasm during vaginal intercourse. I don't know why they need it, so I believe that you need to move your body to have an orgasm. I wonder if they meant like you're thrusting more back and forth. You're moving, you're tilting, your pelvic floor, like you're tilting, moving back and forth. I think maybe, but also I think like if they're thinking like internally, there's like a specific type

of like an internal orgasm, there's like a specific type of movement that seems to. I think it's like gyrations, doing your like keg, like. It says specifically, the authors investigated women's reports of back and forth swinging movements of the pelvis and front. This is saying this, this, this movement. Oh, okay. Sorry. It's like the computers in the way. So I can't see. I just see. All right. Hold on. Wait, I'm bringing the mic. All right. So for those of you at home, Emily,

I said, yes. It's that movement because then you'll have a floor. Don't you do that when you're having sex? I mean mean, I think I do that. Yeah, I do that, but I guess I'm not, I wasn't conscious of necessarily gyrations. Like to me, gyrations more vibration, like gyration like fast and crazy, whereas that to me is more of a swing. It's more of like, you know,

my butt swinging back and forth, my pelvis is like, right? Cool, what does it say though? That's what it says., that's what it says. That's what it is. So that's what it is. So move it.

And then, oh, and presence of more direct or precise rubbing of the clitoris. Yeah. So basically, I mean, this is kind of funny, because basically it's like, don't stay still. Don't stay still. If you want to, and rub the goddamn clitoris, please. Please, okay, pursuing an orgasm, okay, this is great. This is the research of women's orgasms.

Pursuing an orgasm increases a woman's chances of having an orgasm. Yeah, so what's saying here, that putting too much pressure might make orgasm happen less, hence oblocking. But that tends, as new research suggests, that that tends to dev, like women use that and they devalue their sexual pleasure.

So I think what it is, and correct me if I'm wrong, do you think people when we say don't like, don't focus on orgasm, they mean like it gives like everyone to go ahead to like, no, like you don't have to worry about trying to even get there. It's more. I think they, yeah, maybe they do take it that way, but what I mean is focus on the, what's happening in the moment. Yeah. Focus on the pleasure that you're having, let go, and then the orgasm will happen.

Yeah, I think people are just getting confused. They probably are. Maybe I mean, but what we saw is what was it 81% of women don't feel comfortable asking for an orgasm. So it's like, they probably are taking this, oh, thank God, I have to worry about every orgasm again, at least I can cuddle. I don't know what they think. I think that's what they think.

Which is why. Don't think that. That's I don't know what they think. I think that's what they think. Which is why. Don't think that. That's the PSA now. That's the PSA. You deserve orgasms. We all deserve them. Okay, the next one is, faking an orgasm isn't necessarily bad.

It just depends on why women are faking. Now, I think it's always pretty bad. Not bad. We've all done it, but usually we're doing it because we don't want our partner to feel bad. And we just want to be over with. I think those are the reasons. So what's the other? Oh, okay. Okay. Actually, it's one of the, it's the fake it till you make it situation. So sometimes the act of beginning to fake and orgasm can actually elevate your own sexual arousal. Yes, that is true. Okay, I believe that.

I believe that sometimes that can happen. It's a slippery slope though. I think it is true that if you, but that's only if you're familiar with your orgasms and how it happens, I think if you start to act as if, meaning let's say you know when you orgasm, you are moving your body,

you're breathing in a certain way, sometimes when you start to do that, it can happen anyway. But I don't think you wanna to go, you don't want to go full-fourths and just fake it. Like they're like, oh, fuzzle arm. Well, basically, in what it's saying here, it's like, if you're faking your orgasm for your partner because you're like, I'm not getting there, or it's going to make them insecure, then it's not good. But if you're faking it because it's kind of like, I'm doing it because then it'll actually help me get there better than it's fine. Yeah, that we're, we are in support of you faking it if it means that you're going to get there, for sure.

You know, if there's new stories and one of them has a study about masturbation, that I have not heard yet, and that I think will be fascinating. And it's masturbation. I want to talk about and that I think will be fascinating. And it's masturbation. I want to talk about it. How often do Americans masturbate? Oh. What do you guys think? Men, women, on average.

Per month. Oh, per month. Oh, gosh. Men, per month. Men, okay. Men, I would say. Oh, and 15. Based on my man though, it's like twice a day.

He does. I think that's a lot. Who has time for that? So 60. He does it in the morning and he does it for bed. Hey, you're good. So 60. Yeah, so 60.

Well, no, because she said it's twice a day. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, I do math, which is the answer. Yeah, I do math and my show. I'm doing 15. 15 months. Okay, women. Okay, okay.

That I think is going to be way less. I really do. It is 50. It is 14 for men. Oh, nice. Good job. Thank you. For women, I'm going is gonna be way less. I really do. It is 50 it is 14 for men. Oh nice. Good job. Thank you Women I'm gonna go with like I'm gonna say five Seven point eight. Okay, but I'm sad. Yeah, yeah Okay, so let's move on to the interesting parts and I thought we're very interesting Who do you think Americans fantasize about while masturbating besides their partner?

Celebrities, 34%. Wow. I wouldn't have thought it was celebrities was top, but that makes sense. X romantic partners. Oh. That makes sense. 33%

Just leave those levels. X though, you slap at them. You're with your current partner, who you love and sex is great. But that's the only person you've been having sex with for the last year or two. So then you're like, huh, what's another sexual experience? And then you go, flip and you flip back,

because you're like, I can't masturbate, so I love my partner. And then you go back to that memory. And then jack off that's easy and easily accessible, just like a celebrity's face, perhaps. Friends, 33%. These are our comments at the top, you know. Like a guy friend.

No, some guy friends are hot. That's weird to me. I mean, I've never thought about a guy friend though. No. Poor and stars, 28%. Don't make sense. Yeah. Only their romantic partner, 25%, is what they masturbate, selects, what they masturbate,

besides their partner. Okay, this is interesting. Ready, guys? Co-workers. 18% of people masturbate selects, what they masturbate. Besides their partner. Okay, this is interesting, ready guys? Co-workers. 18% of people masturbate thinking about their co-workers, so then I was like walking to the studio today, down the hall thinking, who's like 18% who's masturbating about each other in here?

Is that happening? Oh, my God. I mean, not with me, but hopefully some of those other serious men share. I'm sure. I wanted to ask. I don't workers. I'm not think you're very attractive, Emily.

It's all I can say. Work place. You got to date people? Work here? Is it in the contract? I think I honestly, isn't, I don't know. I don't know if you if it's I know people have dated here. Like I know that has been a thing, but not like here in LA. I mean, I've

known people in like New York that have done that. The people told me about anyway in New York. Okay. So I thought this was really interesting to you guys. We're talking about we've got some sex. The news here. Americans perceptions of masturbation while growing up. 31% say it was shameful, 31% and I'm going to say that many of them probably still feel that way. 31%, it was healthy and natural, 28 neutral to it and 22% said it was, it was bad or sinful. Something that only adults do was 17%. Okay, it was gross.

Okay, so this isn't good. So, the 80% of what we thought about as children was negative when it came to masturbation. Wow. It was negative that it was wrong, shameful, gross, for adults only didn't know what it was. So literally, okay, 90% no one knew what the fuck they were doing or what it was and felt bad. I don't know if I believe this. How Americans feel after masturbating?

I will believe 34% relaxed, right is leap. 24% great mood, better mood. Seven, only seven% still feel guilty or shamed. So I'm happy to see that's changed, but I feel like it's higher than that. I feel like there's a lot of people who after they masturbate, they feel bad about it. They feel shame, but I mean I'm glad it's low. Some people can get rid of that, but then some people still feel they feltate, they feel bad about it. Yeah. They feel shame, but I mean, I'm glad it's low.

Some people can get rid of that. But then some people still feel they felt shame out masturbation. They might feel okay about masturbation, but they might have carried that shame to the bathroom. Like sex and shame should not be related. You should not have shame when it comes sex. Right.

Period in a story, no matter what. I think I had shame about masturbating until I started masturbating. And I was like, this is a shameful. Kids. Hahaha. Are you guys kidding? about masturbating until I started masturbating. And I was like, this is a shameful kid. Are you guys kidding? But I was always told not to, so I didn't. Even though you're like, this is good,

but I'm a good girl, so I won't do it with their wrong. I grew up in conflict, I didn't know. Yeah, they do tell you, like when you're, because I grew up Catholic too, and it was very shameful to be like doing any of that kind of stuff. You have to confess it to the priest. And so I don't want to get hold of the community. You know, it's like, I want my little chip.

Okay. The bread. So you're like, I'm not, I can't measure it because then I can't get the bread because I can't lie exactly. Right. So when will point to your life to go, oh, I guess it's not shameful,

many people never do that. Well, I stopped getting the bread a long time ago, I'll say that. Yeah. But I'm still masturbating. I'm going to say that. Yeah. But you're still masturbating. I'm actually going to church. Yeah. But you don't feel bad about it. I don't feel bad. I don't. I take the bread. I'm not talking to you. I'm not making a stop.

I'm not making a appointment with that. I just don't get the big appointment because I don't confess. I'm going to do 10 Hill Marys and 10 our fathers. I was like, there's just text that you can't like text them and be like, no, but then you could say it, it'd be easier to be shameful and admit it to your priest. One year, I thought do the Hellenarians at home. One year, he was an app for everything.

I invest to an app. Yes. That'd be awesome. But one year, it was just like, I need help decorating the church if you want that to be your punishment. I was like, yes. Do you tell him that you masturbated?

I told him everything. You really did? Yeah, I really did. Wow. I've never done that. You said I masturbated, I really did. Wow, I've never done that. You said I masturbated, he made you put up the lights for the Christmas show? Yeah.

Masterbait and sex before marriage. Oh, wow. No, my degrosses. No, my degrosses. I'm going to get those bathroom lights in my house. It was, I had shameful memories around it. She wouldn't do it. It's a fr-

I just, here's the thing. We tried it some different options coming in. I finally did the research from the right lights. She's like, what did I do wrong? But I have to hang up these lights in your bathroom. It's funny. Probably true. Who knows what's going on?

I see this is the problem. This is the challenge is that a lot of these things happen in our childhood and they go weaved into our adult life. And I'm not saying you were triggered by those lights, but there's good examples for everybody in our lives. We don't remember where it comes from and then that's why therapy's good too, or coaching or journaling. You'll figure it all out.

We're gonna take a quick break, and we come back, we're gonna get into your calls. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ So we could talk to Jake, he's 42 in California. Hey, Jake, thanks for calling. How can I help? Hey, Emily, how you doing?

Great. Good. Hey, quick question for you. What is your view on sex addicts? Is that something that's legitimate? Is that a true diagnosis? Or is that just kind of make me leave fairy tale stuff? Well, I think that for many, it is a diagnosis,

and it can help them realize that sex has become a problem in their life. So I think that it has been given out inappropriately in times. People have been mislabeled as it's sex addict when they're not. But I think that for many people who have been and they've been able to get help through like sex and love addicts, anonymous, they've been able to look at their porn watching and find that, oh, maybe I do have a problem with porn or with having sex with people that aren't serving me and all that stuff. So why do you ask Jake? Would you say that because you feel that

people are labeled as a sex addict if they're starting to have relationship problems as far as it's taking place, as far as having real relationships with people and it's almost overwhelming them on a day-to-day activity? Well, I think that people... Why do I think that people call people sex addicts? Is it because they're having a lot of sex? I think people do it because they don't understand sex, yeah? Yeah, I guess to that point, I think some people maybe are labeled as a sex addict because they think it's affecting their personal life. Or is it to where people are labeled sex addicts just because they enjoy having sex

and they think about it all the time? I don't know if there's a line. Yeah, there is a line. I think people are mislabeled as sex addicts a lot because we don't understand sex. So we think, oh, if someone's open and talking about sex, they must be a sex addict because the way we're socialized and we're so backward, especially in our country about sex, we're all thinking about sex. We all want sex, but the second someone's talking about it openly and publicly, well, they must be a sex addict. So that's where I think

it's, it's damage in when people are like, it's not real. Jamie was just called a sex addict last week. I don't think Jamie's a sex addict. But her friends think she's the best friends. We're like, we've discussed it and we think you're a sex addict because Jamie's so about sex or job. She talks about it. She's got a room full of vibrators. I don't think Jamie's a sex addict But I think that when there's consequences But people who are a sex addicts there when there's consequences in their relationship You know, they're they're cheating and they can't help it or they're watching a lot of porn and then they can no longer get turned on by Humans, you know, that's by real people in front of them. So yeah, Jake Okay, that's all I need no thanks. Thanks for calling Jake. Appreciate it. It's true people

There are some people who think it's not real This is what bothers me when people want it. It's like I'm gonna I'm gonna draw the tie between a sex addiction and squirting right now People are like is squirting real Emily. Do you think that it's squirting? Is it pee is it not? I don't fucking care What traces of urine? Yes, but it's squirting and if you squirt and it feels good, put down a towel like there's no problems, right? With sex addiction, same thing. It's like, yes, we can debate, I guess I didn't talk about the debate aspect of it. Is a sex addiction thing? Is it not? Should it not be an addiction? Is it mislabeled? I think it's, we do mislabeled

sex addicts a lot. I think that like we don't understand sex as a society. So we're like, well, they're probably an addict or you hear about a celebrity who's cheating on their wife and then they're like, oh, well, she went to sex rehab. You know, sometimes I think it's a little egregious. But what I've seen is that there is an increase in people who are having problems around sex with porn, with, you know, some of the cults, sex and love addiction, which is another 12 steps problem people who are addicted

to just loving and relationships. And so I think if that does resonate for you and you've been labeled as a sex addict and then you've actually gotten help and it's worked, you'd it's great. I don't care what you call it. So I don't, I think it's a debate that just waits our time a little bit. You know, I'm glad he asked that though. Yeah. I feel like it's like there is a huge debate in the sex world community. It's therapist community. Is it real? Is it not? I just think. I'm just going to cut this portion out and just send it to my friend.

He's a Jamie. Jamie is not a sex addict. I mean, she's a sex enthusiast. Uh, thank you. I just felt like the word, I feel like addict is strong. I mean, but you can, I mean, wouldn't you say you could be technically addicted to kind of anything? Yeah, absolutely.

And it's the same thing, whether you're addicted to food or drugs or shopping or sex, it's a symptom of something deeper that we're typically numbing using one of these activities to numb our feelings and emotions around things. So if sex is your addiction, yeah. I mean, if it's something that's not, if there's consequences, your life is not able to function as normal, your penis is unable to function, you can't, you know, whatever, that's consequences, your life is not able to function as normal, your penis is unable to function,

you can't, you know, whatever, that's because of your watching porn or cheating or obsession with sex, and it's a problem. Do you think you've ever met someone you thought potentially could have been a sex addict? Yes. In fact, I was, this is a little no-fact. I mean, I guess it's in Google, but I was, I was introduced to it, depth, the concept of sex addiction. I was in a movie called I Am a Sex addict. It came out in like 2002. It won a bunch of awards. Hold on.

Hold on. So, please, no, you keep talking. You keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking.

So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. So, you keep talking. And he asked me, he is a recovering sex addict. And he asked me to be in his film. And I'd never acted in my entire life. And I was a documentary filmmaker. And I was like, why would I want to be in this film? I read the script.

And my boyfriend at the time was like, it could be just really cool to be in a movie. At first I thought it was kind of misogynistic, just reading it, because actually the time was not doing this profession. I was making a film about politics at the time. But I thought that in learning through, in reading the script and then after thinking,

oh, I get it, I thought I was like misogynistic, so I didn't understand about sex addiction. And I'm saying that was my first introduction to someone knowing someone who'd been through sex addiction. So you can Google it. You were Christa. I was Christa. And it was not like a bunch of bus stops in New York

for months at one awards. I think it's a good film. That was me at 30. What was your say you were Christa? What is Christa do? I am his girlfriend and we meet in college He goes to the movie there's his four girlfriends in the movie and tells his life story of being addicted to prostitutes Mm-hmm And when he tells me that he's having Problems with prostitutes, I like freak out. We meet film school.

I don't understand it. I was telling, I was like, it's like, right, these women have no choice. How dare you be with pro. I was just very misunderstood. I was his girlfriend who didn't understand why he had to be with other women. So I was sort of, yeah. And then the movie goes through a series of girlfriends. And then at the end, he's an, I don't want to spoil for you.

But in the end, he's, you know, figures it out. I'm going to find this somewhere. I'm going to lie. I can't believe how long my life has been that we didn't talk of your back, but I think I, that's definitely not me. That's not the other girlfriend. Oh, no, that's a prostitute in the movie. Oh, okay. But I like that it's a compulsively true comedy.

Yeah, it's a comedy. You know, it's a, I think I know I'm going to find it. Screening. It's on Netflix. Is it iTunes Netflix? How have we not discussed this? Yeah. I think I know I'm gonna find it screening. It's on Netflix. I Tunes Netflix. How have we not discussed this? Yeah, this is called I'm Sexetic in one awards right you see it in one of bunch of awards. Yeah, watch the trailer everyone I made no money on it. They're not getting it and I can pay for this ad. We had a reshoot. It took like three years Wow, that was a whole thing. Yeah, just watch it. Just watch it. Oh my god

I know and you're crystal with a C.H. I don't know why I find that interesting. I just do yeah, it was interesting and at the time it's funny looking back at it I didn't do it. You see this I wore no makeup. I like was like this is annoying. I'm trying to make a fit my own Documentary and I kept showing up. It took so much time but looking back at it I look at it. I'm like, I wish I were? And then number two, I just didn't know how to, I never acted before. We can rent it on Amazon or Apple at the moment. Oh, I'm renting it on Amazon and I'm watching it

on Amazon. I don't know how we never, see every day we're learning. I'm gonna tell my mom I'm renting that on her Amazon. Okay, perfect. So if you see that mom, great, exactly. I think I'd love to know what you guys think of it. I really haven't seen it in years.

I will take extensive. Perfect. Watch Miss Advice too on Bravo. That was a whole ice and I watched that. You did. I watched the video. I watched the video. I watched it on her.

And I loved it. Yeah. I loved it. It was exactly. Very different. Okay. Let's talk to Becky 33 in Ohio. Hey Becky, what's going on?

How can I help you? Thanks for taking my call. I wanted to, my husband and I are trying to have a baby. I'm on Lexa Pro and he's not, but I'm the more sexual one. And so we've been together for 10 years. We're really struggling to have sex to even just like get it on a little bit. And we need to make a baby essential. were really struggling to have sex to even just like get it on a little bit and

um and we need to make a baby essential. Right. And we wanted to know um what what should we do. I mean on the one in the relationship with way more sexual and since I've been on Alexa Pro has just killed my sex completely. Well okay so Becky this is such a good question and it's a good timing because we actually just had a podcast. There's a woman that I really respected and my her name is Denise Weasner and she just wrote a book called conceiving with love And it's all about like and she was on my podcast So if you search sex with Emily it's she talks about this is a huge problem with so many couples are like so focused I'm making the baby then their sex life just evaporates. So I really think it's a matter of

then their sex life just evaporates. So I really think it's a matter of, first off, I would talk to your doctor about the lexapro and see if they could kind of adjust the dosage because, you know, it's sometimes they can do that and they could add something else in or just, I don't know, I feel like you've no desire and can you have orgasms, do you know? I can, no, since I've been on the lexapicon, I can't, but before I had no issue with it. Well that's why I just like, oh, I get the lexapro SSRIs, but this is just the thing that for so many women, sometimes you could play with them a little, and I would go back and talk to your doctor who prescribed them your psychiatrist and just see if you could lower

the dose up just a little bit, sometimes you can do it on the weekends, I don't know about lexaproportate. So that's one thing. But the other thing is what I think is it's such a good opportunity right now to really have a conversation with your husband about your sex life. Like, what could we do? Because what most couples crave, whether they're making a baby

or they've been together 10 years, is their sex life gets sparring in a little bit dull. And what brings that spark back, whether or not you're looking at a baby or not, is actually communication is a lubrication, like talking about sex, and then figuring out some new things you guys could do together, whether it's toys or loobs or roleplaying or having a date for sex, getting a hotel room when you know you're ovulating, and getting out of your head about it, and making it interesting for both of you so you're craving the sex again. And especially if you're havingulating and getting out of your head about it and making it interesting for both of you so you're craving the sex again.

And especially if you're having a little bit of right now, it could be fun just to add in some additional things that are novel. You could start by taking our Yes, No, Maybe list, which is on our website, also at sexathamely.com. And this list is something you guys could take, you guys could take it together. And it's like, kiss, you know, do we like deep kissing? Yes, no, maybe, it's banking. Yes, no, maybe, dirty talk. And it could just start a conversation with you

and your husband about some things you wanna try. That are a little bit different. And maybe if you've never had these conversations, I think it'll be really helpful for you to be like, oh, well, let's try that one night. And I think maybe go into a sex toy store one night and getting some loops or toys, especially if orgasm is a problem for you right now,

I would say do not hesitate to get a toy. We love the Jeju Mimi is one of our favorites to use during intercourse and its killer orgasms. And listen to the podcast together I don't know much time you guys have together, but a lot of couples have kind of helped, it's to help start the conversation. I could go on and on Becky,

but is any of that resonate with you or help you out to start with? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we've spoken about it before for sure, and we actually did go to a step shop and we bought something, but they were so out of our comfort zone that we just never used them.

Right, that happens. That you like jumped at gun, you're like, this will be fun. You're like, what do we do with this? You know, I think- Right, I think- I'm not very business like about it too. We started researching that there was a whip with the tails

and we went on Google, but it didn't get us excited at all. We're here to just like, in this mode of how do we use it? And then it never got used. Right, well that's what happens sometimes. People like jump the gun and they're like, oh, this toy seems really hard on this whole elaborate thing. Maybe you just want more clearal stimulation. Maybe you guys want to talk dirty or role player. Honestly, my podcast I've been doing it for like 14 years. You guys could

binge on some episodes. It's how interesting to you. And it just I think you'll get a lot of ideas from that too. Okay, let's talk to Mark 45 and Connecticut. Hey Mark, how can I help? Hi, Dr. Emily. So nice to talk to Mark 45 in Connecticut. Hey Mark, how can I help? Hi Dr. Emily, so nice to talk to you a lot. Nice to talk to you too. I am, thank you. I'm coming off a divorce long term divorce or long term marriage with an poor sex life when it existed. Okay.

And about six months through this separation period, coworker kind of took me in, they all helped me find a place and after about three, four months of being there, the relationship developed. Absolutely well, the women's life life is great. Everything about it is perfect. However, to be honest, there's been a lot of women

that have come out of the woodworks and become available. And there's this overwhelming feeling of wanting to date other people or have, I guess maybe just have sex with other people and experience that I have to have and go on through such a long drought. And I'm in this crossroads of, am I getting into a immediately too committed of a relationship too soon and that sounds like you're a little bit better. Well, Mark, that sounds exactly what's happening. So wait, so you were married for a long time. How long we married?

18 years. 18 years. And then you're just going through the divorce right now. It just finalized. OK, so now you're saying you've been dating someone for like a few months, and she wants to kind of make it, you know, official kind of thing. Yeah, make it like a, yeah, make it.

What if I go for it? I can't care for her. I know you do. So here's what I think, Mark, I think you've got to honor this. I think you're absolutely right. For 18 years, having a sexless marriage. And now you're dating, you're tasting all the flavors that are out there.

You've only been having chocolate, right? And so I think that this is kind of a process that a lot of people have to go through. So for you, it's like, yeah, maybe you are, you know, you would like to go out there and experiment otherwise. So I think what I would recommend that you do, Mark, is be really honest with this woman, because I believe that, now listen,

I know I live in California, you live in Connecticut, like things are different in different parts of the world, different parts of the country. But I'm also gonna say that to be honest and to be like, you know what, I love this relationship and what we're having and all the things you like about but I can't help feel that I really need some time with myself. I need to grow out and experience other people, other things and maybe there's a way she would still be okay being with you.

Well, you do that or maybe she won't but I feel like I've seen people say it in a way that's, you know, let's try something that's, you know, alternative, like an alternative relationship, so it's non-monogamous or it's, you know, it really can work. So I think that we're so black and white thinking like either we're committed or we're not, but I think there is this in-between area that I've seen a lot of people and I know and I advise people and they've successfully been able to navigate it, you know? Sure. Yeah. So I would recommend that because I think if you stay in the relationship and you don't

get these needs met, that that will be equally frustrating. So I think being honest about it and going slow with the conversation and just kind of, you know, making sure you're careful in your words because you know, if you're like, I just want to bang a bunch of check, like that's what she's going to hear anyway. So saying like, this is just soon for me and I really, I'm imprecet this, but I can't help this feeling and I could tell you when I'm going on dates or we could figure out what, she might be like, no way, I can never handle that.

And then I feel like, you can listen around, tell me more about that, what would it be like, like what would you need for me for it to feel okay? I just think, yeah, that's a conversation you have to have and I don't think that people are having that conversation enough because I think that a lot of relationships can work out but we just don't give it the chance.

And if it doesn't, then you've to decide. I think you're right. Okay, cool, thanks, thanks Mark. Thanks for calling, have a good night. As always, you guys, rate us wherever you're listening right now, just look down on your phone, like whatever app you're listening on, give us five stars, we love that,

comment and iTunes super helpful. And thanks everyone for listening, and thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns, producer, Jamie, and Michael, Brian, our interns producer Jamie and Michael, was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithmlead.com.