Sex With Emily - Masturbation w/ Emily

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Masturbation May! On today’s show, I’m honoring a month of self-love by giving you a brief history of the celebration (no, I didn’t make it up), the health benefits of masturbation, and my favorite toys for bringing you pleasure all year long.Plus, I’m answering your questions like what to do if you feel yourself relying too much on your vibrator, why masturbation may be your key to success if you keep orgasm blocking yourself in the bedroom, signs that you’re masturbating too much and how to get rid of religious shame surrounding masturbation. Show Notes:Mutual Masturbation Guide: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ The Psychology and Shame of Masturbation: https://sexwithemily.com/psychology-and-shame-of-masturbation/ Je Joue Mimi Clitoral Vibe, G-Spot Vibe, Bullet Vibe, & Mio Penis Ring: http://www.sexwithemily.com/jejoue Magic Wand: http://bit.ly/2UqVf38 Tenga Egg Masturbators: http://bit.ly/2hNwnDe Foria Lube: https://bit.ly/3rJFggP  For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit https://sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How are you guys going to celebrate masturbation month? It's real just about doing something different. Even if it's top of mind and you masturbate three more times this month and last month, I'm fine. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It is the most wonderful time of the year. It is masturbation May, so on today's show, I'm honoring a month of self-love

by giving you a very brief history of the celebration, the health benefits of masturbation and my favorite toys for bringing you pleasure all year long. Plus, I'm answering your questions, like what to do if you feel yourself relying too much on your vibrator. Why masturbation may be your key to success if you keep orgasm blocking yourself in the

bedroom, whether or not you're masturbating too much, and how to get rid of religious shame surrounding masturbation. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention. What do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to help you did shame and embrace self pleasure and all of its glorious benefits. Also we have a brand new downloadable on our site. In addition to our yes-no-maybe list and our pleasure planner, we have our Mutual Master

Beation Guide. So check that out on our website, sexwithemily.com. If you have questions, you wanna ask me, just call my brand new hotline. It's 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions and we'll find a time to either play your message on the show or call you back and have a live call.

You can also message me, sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. And as always, include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. All right, everybody, enjoy the show. Happy Master Baitsha month. It's real. It's a thing I did not invent it. Let me just get that out of the way I wish I did if I could have I would have but here's the history of masturbation month where it actually started in 1994 Don't worry. This won't be too much history. We're gonna get into masturbation

But I do think this is interesting Dr. Joyce and elders was the surgeon general of the United States Bill Clinton had just appointed her when he was president. And she was at a United Nations conference about the AIDS epidemic. And so what they asked her was, what are your thoughts on masturbation advocacy in the hopes of reducing the spread of HIV and other STIs? Like how could we get people to get more excited about masturbation? You know what's actually reminding me of is during this pandemic. During this global pandemic, the same exact things were said, we're like, well, sex with

yourself is still the healthiest choice right now, so you don't spread the coronavirus to other people. So, looking at 1994, she said, I think it's something that is part of human sexuality, and it's part of something that perhaps should be taught. She thought, let's teach masturbation in schools. There was also the fact of the time the United States had the highest rate of STIs of any country in the developed world and remember this, the highest rates of teenage pregnancy

in the world. She was also an advocate of like handing out condoms in schools. And I remember it was a huge, like people like this surgeon general wants to start teaching masturbation in schools and everybody freaked the fuck out. And then she was asked to resign. It was a huge deal. It was like watching these senate hearings and they were like, oh, she wants to teach masturbation in school. She wants to show up with a bunch of dildos

and start teaching it to our third graders. No, that's not what she was saying. But I digress. As a result of the firing of Dr. Joyce and Elders who actually was saying something sensible masturbation, they launched good vibrations, the first national masturbation month in 1995. So, here we are today in

2021 26 years later But wait a minute look at that and I go okay amazing. Do you know how far we've come in a way since then like I I think that Well, okay if I'm honest people don't really want to teach masturbation in schools and talking about masturbation publicly It's still kind of shamed. But in 25 years, I believe that we know more about masturbation, sex toy industry has completely changed. There are so many incredible toys right now. We're 25 years ago.

All the toys, sex toys were made by men for women with like fallates and the ingredients that they made the sex toys with weren't as body safe. And I do think that there's a lot more sex positive community right now who is here to help you feel good about your body and about masturbation. Let's just talk about the why because maybe you're listening and you're thinking, you know what? I still have weird feelings about masturbation. I still feel shame about it.

I still don't make time for it. Well, let me just tell you about the benefits of masturbating real quick, okay? You might not even know it. I'm not just saying, oh, I have an orgasm. It feels good, but there are benefits. It helps relieve built up stress. I haven't even had an stressful few days.

Things have been busy. A lot of reasons. And I realized once again to myself that I hadn't masturbated a few days, even though I'm surrounded by sex toys and you know all the things. So then I decided last night I wasn't feeling great, had one, I'm telling you I had an orgasm. On my own, it wasn't a whole to-do, didn't take a lot of time, didn't have to. I just was like, I'm going to knock this out and I forget even myself, it allowed me to relieve stress. I slept better and it just boosts your mood and you're feeling pleasure.

We all having an orgasm and masturbating and giving one to yourself, we all deserve pleasure. And it's okay to feel good in your body and it's okay to prioritize your own pleasure because you know that's what I'm all about. It also reduces menstrual cramps and muscle tension. This is true. Have you ever read a cramp and you're like, oh, and you have an orgasm? You're like, oh my God, who knew? It releases sexual tension. So maybe you have a higher sex drive than your partner. The two of you could kind of play together. Maybe you do some mutual masturbation or you encourage your partner to masturbate on their own. I know that for me, having a healthy masturbation practice and really getting into it, I was better to understand

what I wanted and what I needed in a relationship. So I always initially thought when I started having sex, about the time that Joyce and Elders was kicked out for talking about masturbation, that I would learn how to have sex through my partners. But what I realized is that when I started to play with myself, I actually figured out what felt good to me, what didn't feel good, and then I was able to show that to a partner. And that was really a game changer for me.

I learned how to have internal orgasms and have just external, I didn't even know that was possible for me. I learned how to have internal orgasms and have just external. I didn't even know that was possible for me. It also, you know, a lot of us struggle with loving our bodies, self-esteem and body image, but I think more you could equate it, you just have more respect for your body. Once you realize what it could do and you even take a mirror when you're masturbating and you take a look and you're like, wow, look at how my, and this goes for all genders. By the way, penis owners as well. We've got so much cool stuff going on between our legs. So we just take a lick at it. You're like, that's pretty amazing that my vulva, my clitoris, my vagina, they swell in reaction to touch. You could have multiple orgasms. So trust me and hear me out on this, that the more you start to like understand the inner workings of it, you'll be able to celebrate it and be like, yeah, so what if I don't feel

great about my body? Maybe I don't look like everyone on Instagram who's airbrushed by the way. Wow, I can have some killer orgasms. I look and when you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're looking at your body, it's just a way to connect with yourself at a more intimate level. So you're not just disconnected, hating a body that you don't realize is actually a part of you and something to love. Those are some of the benefits and encouragement around. Now I understand for a lot of us, we also have shame around masturbation. We've also done some good episodes on it. shame around masturbation. We've also done some good episodes on it.

Shame is something that's ongoing, but as long as you recognize that if there's some thoughts in your head that are telling you that masturbation's wrong or evil or you don't think you deserve it or you don't think you need to because you're with a partner, I hear that all the time, well, I don't need to masturbate, I don't need to masturbate, I have a partner. No, you actually need to because it's a way

of giving yourself self-love and understanding your body. But shame is a tricky beast. And once you realize thoughts that you're having around it that might not serve you or might not feel relevant to where you're out in your life, there's some work to do about it. Doing some journaling, doing some research, listening to my podcast, going to my website, reading articles about masturbation, perhaps even just hearing about the health benefits of it, and practicing it, you'll start to feel a little bit less shameful and a little bit less alone about it. If you're struggling with shame, check out our article, The Psychology and Shame of masturbation at sexwithmla.com.

Toys and masturbation. So there's this belief that we're supposed to have orgasms only through body parts. Like it has to be through a penis goes into vagina or it has to be through fingers or a mouth which is all great. But somehow if you bring in let's say technology like a vibrator or something that feels good like Lou Biven, do you guys still feel weird about Lou? What we're talking about is these super sensitive nerve endings on our body, which is all our Arrogant zones. The reason why they're a Roger Ness is because they have so many nerve endings, and nerve endings feel great when teased and when tickled and played with.

But imagine how much better they feel with a little bit of vibration, a little bit of Lou, maybe some playing with hot and cold sensations. You're missing out if you don't, if you still are feeling weird about toys, again, that goes into the shame category or the hard on yourself category. Like I should be able to orgasm in this way that majority of people don't just have orgasms that easily.

They get to use a toy to enhance stimulation. It's great. So let's try to get rid of all the shame around using toys as well. External toys, ones that I really adore. I love the Jeju Mimi. That's J-E-J-O-U-E. I love it because it's a great external vibrator. The Mimi covers a lot of surface area just like the palm by Dame. They're similar and if they fit in the palm of your hand, you can use them for your own masturbation and they're also great for your own pleasure. You can also use them with a partner when you're having

penetrative sex, use it on their bodies. You can try the Z by Dame products. It's a really cool little bullet vibrator, it has three simple speeds, it's rechargeable, it's portable, like just throw it, you can literally put it in your pocket, you can put it in your makeup bag, you will always have it with you, and it's a really fun toy. The internal vibes, like you could try the G-Spot toy from Jésus. Now, let me tell you about this toy.

If you've been intimidated by G-Spot toys or you think they're too big, it is the perfect toy for those who want everything. It has this curve to access the G-spot, and it also follows your body for intense, literal orgasm. So it does both, and it's small. It's like a little vibrator, but it hits all the hot spots.

Remember, it helps to have a literal orgasm first, and then there's also the magic wand, which is a great toy for external stimulation. And then for penises, I'm not leaving you out. There's masturbation sleeves, which are penis toys. So essentially they provide a different sensation over your penis, like a bumps and ridges and they use materials that are not your hand.

And when you have that grip and you can, some of them are disposable, some of them Latenga has eggs that are not your hand. And when you have that grip, and you can, some of them are disposable, some of them, Latenga has eggs that are disposable. They're one time use, they come with these little eggs and they're really cool masturbation suits. I think they even come with a little loop packet and just try it out. But what I'm saying is mix it up,

try something different on your penis. If you're always used to your hands or being inside of something, masturbation sleeves with a little bit of loop, provide a little bit of friction, and a little bit of sensation that you might not have felt before. And use lube. I don't understand why penis owners aren't using lube,

but there's all that stuff like, no one wants to dry hand job, no one wants to dry hand job. And if you're using lotion, that's a lot messier, but lube, a really good lube, just kind of rubs into your skin. I mean, try some coconut oil, like for ya. Their lube's amazing, with CBD and coconut, I mean, it just kind of rubs in. You don I mean, try some coconut oil, like for ya. Their lips amazing with CBD and coconut, I mean, just kind of rubs in.

You don't have to like, let's clean up. And the massage is your peanut. You'll feel moisturized. So, you, Lube, you can use any Lube you want. There's also penis rings or cock rings. The meo by J.J. is one of the best sellers. It's a super stretchy, super soft caulk rig. And there's really low, like their vibrations with J.J.

are of these deep rumbly sensations that travel like deeply through your body. You wear it at the base of the penis. It feels great for the base of the penis. It helps restrict blood flow if there's some ways that you wanna last longer and bad enough to ejaculate. But it's also as a deep, rumbly vibrator

that turns the shaft of the penis to essentially into a vibrator itself. I mean, you can pretty much use vibrators anywhere. It doesn't have to be the part that they're necessarily meant for with a few caveats. Anything you put your anus has to have a flared edge. Because then it just gets lost up in there and we don't want you to be like sex, set me to the ER 9-1-1 candidate,

unless you're into that. Remember, anal play doesn't necessarily mean penetration. There was an anal training kit by B-vib and it is the most perfect kit. What I love about this kit is there's education, there's a great book, like every question you've had about anal play, and it has three different toys, three different sizes of butt plugs, it has a loob shooter, a little pouch, I love this kit. You can find that at sexwithelm.com slash j-u, that's j-e, j-o-u-e. Try out mixing up your masturbation routine. If you're only using your hand your whole life and you legitimately need to tell me

what goes on this month when you try something else because we asked our listeners, we actually did a question to you on Instagram. I'm gonna take a quick break, but after this word from our sponsors, we're gonna find out how you're celebrating masturbation month. We asked our Instagram followers, how are you celebrating masturbation month?

And so one person said masturbating, which right on brand. Month, I'm married, so every day is masturbation day. Not sure what that means, if that means that you're not having a sex with your partner. Someone else said practicing, trying to see and understand what feels the most pleasurable. I love that.

I've never masturbated, how can I start? It feels so weird to me. Well, keep listening to the show, we're gonna help you. Isn't every month masturbation month during the pandemic? Yes, that's what I thought when this pandemic happened, I I thought everybody's going to be home masturbating. And I think they were. So, when I said they're going to celebrate by taking 10 minutes every morning for myself,

no questions for me. God, I recommend that highly. And you know, it's so great about taking time for yourself in the morning is that you're not putting it off for the afternoon. When you know, there's going to be 18 other things that happen but in the morning Try as you might like not looking at your phone and just waking up and masturbating It is the best masturbate meditate manifest before you do anything else life changing I bought some new coconut lube. I'm gonna go to town on myself. Yes. We love coconut lube Coconut oil lube getting a color changing light bulb in my room, mood lighting has made an impact. I agree. I am so anti overhead light in my house and I'm really into the light

in my bedroom. It's important. I'm 21. I've never tried to kind of scared. I get it. I get being scared. I was scared too. And it took me until I was like 25. I think I first heard about it 24. And it wasn't until I was 25, I was like, okay, I better do this thing. The great thing about it is once you just start to touch yourself, just be in the shower, get curious. What does it feel like when I touch myself? And you start to think about it, does that feel good? Does it not?

And then it just becomes more exploration than fear-based and goal-based, like I have to have an orgasm today. If I don't have an orgasm, then, you know, the first time something's wrong with me. Don't make the mistakes that I made. Just get curious about it. And there's nothing to be scared about. Have a more like, you're excited to explore your body and see what feels good. Like 21. What a great time to start. Okay. Another way to celebrate with lots of masturbation in front of my husband too. So sexy. Yeah, we're talking mutual masturbation. A lot of you guys asked me about mutual masturbation.

How do I do it? What's the best way? We do have a guide at our site. And mutual masturbation is just hot. Seeing your partner in pleasure, you don't have to be doing anything. You're learning from them. They're learning from you.

Someone else expecting their peace spot. They're prostate. That's true. If you have a penis, you have a prostate in your anus. Valva owners do not have it. It's supposed to give you a killer orgasm and pleasure and it's good for you. I say that's a great goal for many penis owners

to go explore the prostate, accepting that it's normal. We're a great time to start this month accepting that it's normal. It is normal. It is normal. It is healthy. It's going to enhance your overall well-being. I'm with you. Mastervation Toys a Day, sure.

Why not? Just took a video of myself masturbating after a shower and I can't wait to show my partner. That's hot. Listen, if you're with a partner that you trust and love and all the things, no one's going to hack your phone. I mean, it's hot to show your partner a picture of you masturbating. I'm all for that.

And then someone else has they bought their first vibrator the Vespa. I love the Vespa. I have it around my neck right now. The Sex with Emily Vespa, you can find in our website. It's a vibrator and a necklace. And now the day of my life goes by where I do not talk about it, like I'm out with someone like,

what is that and they buy it? It's just a very cool gift and check by where I do not talk about it. Like I'm out with someone and they're like, what is that? And they buy it. It's just a very cool gift and check that out. And you will love it. Okay. So that's from Instagram. Thank you everybody. If you're not following us on Instagram, it's sex with Emily everywhere.

And I want to know from you, like before the show, I thought, how are you guys going to celebrate masturbation month? It's really just about doing something different. Even if it's top of mind and you masturbate three more times this month and last month, I'm fine. And you're listening to this episode, you realize that there's probably more you could do.

I'm telling you, you're never done. I realize there was more I could be doing. Okay. Questions, questions, questions. This is from Katie, 21, and Minnesota. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've always had trouble getting aroused or finishing when it's only fingers to the clitoris. What can I do to improve that it can also help with sex in my relationship?

Have an expressed to my boyfriend that, but I plan to, and I feel like I've tried everything but only a toy to the clit helps to get there. So no shame in your clit toy game, but what I'm hearing you say is that you'd like to explore other ways, other paths to pleasure. So just try experimenting with other kinds of touch, toys. There's a lot of places you can feel pleasure be on the clitoris, and that would be your labia, interlavia, outer labia, your pubic mound,

warming you up with oral sex, using a lot of lube to make sure that you're lubricated. Yeah, so if your partner warms you up with oral, like here's the thing, you're not gonna become desensitized by a vibrator. It just means that the muscle memory, your body is just used to orgasming in that way now. But if you were able to orgasm before you used a vibrator,

you're not like killing off nerve endings. You're just getting used to responding in a certain way. You're used to a certain pattern of orgasming, right? Turn the vibrator on, and I have an orgasm by touching these spots. But if you just say, I'm going to breathe for a minute, I'm not going to bring in the toy right away. I'm going to get curious with like tapping my fingers in circles and touching and maybe pinching my clitoris or using my fingers all around the labia and the pubic mounted all that area with lube and playing and your partner, you'll probably find

that there's other ways you can orgasm which is that your again, your body has this muscle memory, it's used to doing something a certain way but it doesn't mean you can't sort of unwind it and learn new things. And also, you're only 21. So 21 does not mean that anything is set here. This is the time to explore.

I'm glad you're having orgasms. Let's keep looking for other ways to do it. KKD, Minnesota, let's do that. All right, this is from Nina, 25 in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a great sex life with my boyfriend of four years. Despite a low libido at times, which I feel is down to lack of consistent exercise and feeling good in my body, I've not had

many orgasms in my sexual career and I'm not want to explore masturbation for myself either. In saying this, my boyfriend is wonderful at stimulating my clitoris during foreplay. It also during intercourse. When I feel like I'm climaxing and I'm feeling that crescendo, it feels amazing and I find myself reaching left-right giggling rather than the climax of orgasm.

We're both comfortable with this at the moment and we laugh together, have fun and a great time. I do feel embarrassed and worthily anxious that I'm unable to reach a sexual orgasm. I'm not sure what happens with the body and I'm unsure how to overcome this. I discovered your podcast recently as a Lady gang listener and thank you to a wonderful service for women and men too. I'm excited to become a regular listener. I'm excited too, Nina. Welcome to the show. Okay. Show. I would say this is such a great masturbation month question because this past shame or told that orgasms weren't right and maybe your face wants to do something

weird and you're like, I'm about to orgasm, but I still have to be cute. And I'm going to have a nervous laugh. And so you're kind of oblocking yourself, like orgasm blocking yourself. So this is a great time for you to masturbate. You're saying that you're not want to explore masturbation for yourself. I'm telling you, that is how we're all going to learn how to have orgasms. We're going to learn what feels good in our bodies. We're going to learn how to please ourselves so we can share it with a partner.

It helps with pain. It helps with the menstrual. All the things I covered earlier in the show. So I just say bite the bullet, buy a bullet, buy a rater, and get into your body because it sounds like you're getting there and you know that it feels good when it touches your clitoris, but you're just stopping yourself because you feel embarrassed and you feel anxious. If you're on your own and no one's looking and you'll think you're boyfriend staring

you, then you'll know what it feels like to have an orgasm, do it a few times, sounds like you're almost there, and then you won't do the laughing thing. That's just like a holdover to feeling like maybe you want to feel cute or you're embarrassed. You actually are embarrassed so you laugh. So when you're alone with yourself, maybe you won't do it. See, I can't think of a better reason to start masturbating this month. Okay, Nina? Let me know how it goes. Okay, please, I'm here. We're all invested now in your masturbation pleasure. Be right back with more sex with Emily. After the break, I answer an email from Sarah

who struggles with shame around sex. So stick around. I think I have to take this next call because Kevin from Pennsylvania has a question about sex dolls. I mean, I love your show. I listen to you all the time. Thank you. I have a girlfriend.

We've been together like four years. We're both essential workers right now. So this patient has been tough and she also lives like an hour away. We only see each other a couple times a month. We do have sex when we're together, but she very rarely will masturbate on her own. And I will, I never had a problem with that. And I've always wanted a sex doll, like one of real good, expensive like sexy ones that are like beautiful and stunning and all.

And this past year, I've been thinking about it more and more. And I know there's a lot of scams out there. And I have been researching a lot about some United States companies that actually sell nice ones. I just wonder, like, what is your thought? I know my girlfriend would be jealous of that. Of a sexist? I like, oh, you know, you're going to have sex with that, and you don't want to drive here an hour,

like just need me after work or something like that. It might be an issue, but what is your opinion on something like that? On sex dolls. It's such a good question because I have not been asked this question before, like what brand and what do they, but that's where I think about them. And I think the sex dolls are here and they're happening. I mean, I-

You can get one for like 2000, the one that- I don't look the place started on them. You can get a decent one for like two grand, which is not good. A decent sex style, but don't you want one that's like, okay, I actually feel the same way that I feel about vibrators. I really don't think that it's going to replace your partner. I mean, maybe eventually maybe 10 years from now, 20 years from now, 30, I don't know. I like human touch and human contact, but tell me this, what is your goal?

I would like to dress it up. Like my girlfriend, you know, like she's older, like we're both in our mid to late 40s. And you know, we're not like, you know, barbie anymore and that kind of thing. So, I mean, you know, she doesn't really, she's very conservative. She doesn't like the

dress sex, she doesn't, you know, like to do all that kind of stuff and, you know, even know, I would try to, you know, you know, wanting a shorter skirt, wanting to wear a better skirt, like I love you when you wear a short skirt, you know, like you look so sexy and you know, like she's legs, but she just she just you know very rarely will dress the part and I mean I wouldn't mind like it's not only for the sex of the dog but you know dressing it up maybe seeing it in a short skirt seeing it like with you know different outfits you know what's the difference if you have like a sleeve or your hand or honestly nothing I listen you're right you're right I mean I've It's a difference if you have like a sleeve or your hand or I honestly, nothing. I listen, you're right.

You're right. I mean, I have enough sex toys that I could build like 10 dolls out of them. So I understand like I have zero judgment around it. I'm just trying to understand the, I mean, the thing I could think of is that you said your girlfriend might be upset by it, might not understand it, which I could understand. And she knew right, like, she knew you was like put it away. And she found it. Right.

Well, yeah, I would have to hide it, obviously, you know, if she would visit it. It's not like I would use it all the time. I mean, you know, I'm just like, you're just how, how, how common it is, how perverted it is. I think it's getting more and more common. I think that it's not crazy. I think that, no, you know me, I'd never use the word,

I think everyone can do what they'd like to do with consent and a healthy way. So I actually have no, I mean, honestly, this is the first call. I mean, we might have gotten some emails about it, but I don't think I've gotten a call about it. So I actually don't, two years ago, I was on a talk show and they had the first doll.

I can't remember her name, the one that everyone sees everywhere. She looked so realistic. I thought it was like a woman, but it was like this hot sex doll. I mean, I don't have, you know, I don't have any concerns for you doing it. I'm not going to tell you not to get, I think, if that's something that you think would turn you on and to play with, I mean, we have so many toys

that are available for women. And men, yeah, you guys have the masturbation sleeve or a cock ring, but I just want to hold a whole lot of toys. I mean, there's not. Right. But she really uses toys on her own at home. She don't, she's like, why have you? I said, I do it over the toy.

I'd rather wait like two weeks and, you know, see know next Saturday or something right instead of taking care of our cell phone Which I wish sometime like she wouldn't have phones that sort of like do that kind of things that's really far And we work out hours and it would be fun and interesting and you're not looking to date anyone else right now Well, we've been together like four years This year just that crazy with the virus at all. We're both working a lot and we're both like the central workers. We're both like crazy. I would be honest with her that you want to get.

I mean, I don't know how you'd hide it. She came over. I can't hide it. I can't hide it. I mean, I did bring it up once and she just lied. That's crazy. I want you to do it. Well, everything's light. That's crazy, you know. I want you to remember. Well, everyone thinks everything is crazy,

that's a little bit out to the other box. And the sex, you know, people think sex toys were crazy, right? People think everything is crazy because it's sex. And if you, they're just like, sex is already so taboo for people, and then you're like gonna get a sex doll. So I'm thinking that sex toys sales and sex dolls sales is probably booming right now because of COVID.

So you're not alone here. That's what I've been reading online. That is booming. I mean, do you think it's more about variety for you? You did, yeah, you're like, that's what I'm getting. I mean, this is better than going out and like cheating or going on like Tinder. I mean, it is.

I feel like this would be a better option. Like at least I'm not like cheating on you. But in her eyes she might bite, but what do you want to sleep with that thing for? Like what? My body's not good enough for her. But she, I mean, honestly, I think that you just got to reinforce the same thing I tell everyone when you're talking to your partner about toys.

Is this is a replacement for you? It's something that I'm doing for myself to, you know, turn myself on to have variety during these times and more away from each other. I think that most couples, and this is what I found who called me and say, you know, turn myself on to have variety during these times and were away from each other. I think that most couples, and this is what I found who called me and say, you know, my partner has a problem with me using toys and all the things is that, but once they actually try it together, they're like, oh, go, go, well, no problem. Why haven't been using toys all along? It's sort of like the fear around toys. The fear around toys is worth it. And once people try it, they're like, oh, no, big deal. So it's just going to have to be an honest conversation.

I think that toys are still not the sex dolls. I'm sorry, I keep saying sex dolls are still in that round. Maybe we're sex toys were 10, 15 years ago. That is sex dolls like people like, oh, they think the worst kid's going to take over. You're going to break up with me. You're just going to bring the sex doll home for Christmas. I don't think it's still very new. And I think that most people are like, oh, god, no, I went away to the sex doll.

But we said that about a lot of things that are now commonplace, you know? I still think you should do what you want to do. But I think also, again, most people say, no, the things that are foreign to them. So I think you can kind of give more information about it. Maybe she could be some of these articles. You could, you know, make sure there's reddit forms that we will have used them together. But it says here, you know,

the traditional stereotype of loners choosing sex dolls as a last resort is totally inaccurate. They're seeing now that doll use is going mainstream with men and women both enthusiastic about bringing a doll into the bedroom. You know, you guys could have a thre dial into the bedroom. You guys could have a threesome with the doll. Now you're talking.

I'd like to wait. Well, really, I mean, she's into toys. You never know what could happen. So I would have another conversation with her and just say, listen, I'm really thinking of doing it, but I get that it's a little bit more life-like and could be more threatening than my handheld vibrator or like my vibrator necklace.

So there's just a little bit more information. I think that we need to understand that it's not just, you know, we have these worst case scenario, like everyone's going to end up with robots. And there's going to be no more human interaction and human touch, which, you know, hey, it could happen. I hope it's not in my lifetime. But yeah, I'm not going to tell you to keep thinking about it. I will, I think if you want to get it and you've thought long and hard about it, but I would also pass it by her and

let me know what happens. Send me a picture if you get one. I will. Please do. I'll get back to the future. Thank you. Awesome. Thank you for showing. Thank you. I will. Bye. Thanks for calling.

I just saw this email come in. I grew up very Catholic. This is from Sarah. And now I'm in my late teens, and I'm not religious anymore, but I still feel guilt when it comes to sexual experiences, even kissing. I know it's embarrassing. Is there any advice you have to help me get over it? I talk about it a little with my friends, but they don't grow up the same way. It's hard for them to give advice. Thanks, Sarah.

Late teens grew up very religious, very Catholic, and now she's kissing people and she feels guilt. Why would we grow up in a place where it was no, you kind of sex, you got to feel bad, you got to feel guilty, don't have sex and then you go out of sex and then you feel bad about it because no one's at you, it's okay. So my first thing would be to let go of the shame and guilt is to first educate yourself and realize that being sexually healthy is part of being, is your overall health and wellness,

that if we are not sexually healthy, that we have negative conditioning around sex, we're not going to be able to show up in a healthy way in our relationships. So that's the first part of education. And realize that you have a choice to say that what I grew up with, the messages I grew up with no longer serve me.

What are the messages in your head that keep repeating? If you like them, like if the message is saying, you're awesome, you're great, you're doing a great job, you are worthy, you are enough, keep those messages. But the messages are like sex is wrong, I'm a bad girl. This is, you know, then you get to look at them, go, oh, it's not true. And then do your research and find out how important it is to actually be sexually healthy that a lot of the the guilt messages that you got aren't true and Then practicing through exploring I think once you learn to pleasure your body and give yourself

Organisms then you'll start to get that feedback loop of pleasure and And you'll start to see like, oh, that feels really, really good. Now I understand my body, and then you'll be able to explain that to a partner. I think therapy helps because maybe you are still hearing that message in other areas as well. It's almost like we were brainwashed. I mean, I hate to use that word around religion, but I'm going to do it. Especially if you decide that you know long going to be religious, but you kept getting the same message. I mean, we've got Colin here, raised Mormon. How did you get out of it, Colin? How did you get out

of your conditioning around sex being raised Mormon? Uh, practice. Practice, right? Yeah. Just practice feeling okay and taking a breath and saying, okay, no, no, no, wait, I just want to do this and reminding myself, oh yeah, I want to do this and it's okay to do this. Wow, just in the act, like when you were having sex because you would feel bad about it. Yeah, guilt.

I mean, the worst thing is, because, you know, when you're having sex, you're just thinking about having sex, the worst part would be just right after I would just be totally, totally brought down by the guilt. And so it was really practicing in those moments. Wow. What would you do? Would you have like a mantra? Or did you have like a word that you would say to yourself?

Yeah, I mean, I would just check in with my body and just try to remind myself like, no, that was a great experience. And kind of like when you talk about mindfulness about going around the room and naming things, it was kind of like that of, okay, what was the experience I just had? Oh, it was actually just really great.

And there wasn't anything bad that happened in the room. Great, and just reminding myself of like those simple facts. Yeah, really that's being present and noticing the room like I'm in the bed, I'm smelling the, you know, I'm tasting the yeah, all the senses, wow Colin, look at you now, we're ton of sex show, see? On sex show, from shame. So Sarah, you can get there as well.

I would also try to find, you know, I know that you said that you were friends, they didn't grow up in the same way as you. Probably is hard for them to give you advice. You're right because just to say get over it, does it help you get rid of the shame and guilt? And I would say that finding other like-minded people who could and also therapy was helpful for to you too, right, Colin? Oh, yeah.

So helpful. So yeah, that's it. That's what I think Sarah and we got a lot more episodes on it and I would say also getting getting to know your body. Like I said, masturbation is just the key to so many releasing so much shame. So that's part of it. I would journal about it and I would have some mantras near you or some affirmations or intentions that make you feel good about your body and that make you feel good about your decisions you're making. So that's what I recommend. This is from Amanda and she says, Dr.

Emily, I absolutely love your podcast. I've learned so much. Thank you for everything you do. I have a question for you that goes with one of your last Instagram posts. I 100% agree with you that masturbation is healthy. My husband and I both do it. I just have one problem. I feel like my husband would rather masturbate than have sex with me. I've tried to initiate sex and he's turned me down. But then he goes and masturbates. We don't have sex a lot. Sometimes we go two even three weeks without sex. But once a week, if I'm lucky, it bugs me and I let him know that. But still, I feel like he goes that long because of masturbation or maybe my sex life is higher. When we have

sex, it's always good. We've been together at Intimate for seven years. We know each other likes, but I guess my question is, how can I make together sex happen more than solo, thanks and advance? All right Amanda. Have you talked to your husband about this? Outside the bedroom, have you had a conversation with him using my three teas of communication,

timing, tone, and turf? And have you actually said to him at a time outside the bedroom. Have you had a conversation with him using my three teas of communication, timing tone and turf? And if you actually said to him at a time that's not like you just saw that he masturbated it and not at time when you feel like he's rejecting you sexually. But at a time when you're at dinner and you're hanging out and you have to say, I think about having sex with you all the time. I love our sex life together. Is there, I realize we've been really talked about it.

We've been together seven years. I'll tell you what I would love to have more frequent Is there, I realize we've been really talked about it, we've been together seven years. I'll tell you what I would love to have more frequent sex because I love the way we connect. But I know that you are a fan of masturbation and you seem to masturbate a lot, which is awesome. And I want to know more about that. It would make me feel great if we could have sex more frequently, like just ask him what's up, what I'm saying, without the judgment around it. Would you rather masturbate than be with me? We don't know yet.

Your masturbation practice and your sex practice with the partner are very separate. So I encourage people to masturbate in a relationship, out of a relationship all the time. So I'm actually going to separate them for a minute. And I would just let him know that you would love to be intimate with him more frequently. You would love to have sex more often. Does he have any ideas how you could make that happen? Is there a way that you can find out what turns him on? Are there ways that you could figure out about scheduling sex or making him more frequent? I would just really find out what is it about sex? And I wouldn't bring in the masturbation thing because again, a lot of them masturbate and women masturbate just to relieve stress. It's not about like, oh,

I don't want to be with my wife, so now I'm just going to go masturbate. So I would just try to understand where he's at. I think two to three times a week without sex doesn't sound like it works for you and it wouldn't work for a lot of people. So we're talking about compromise and we're talking about healthy conversations without judgment, without blaming, and with a lot of listening. Okay. This is from Christina, who's a teenager, and she wants to know, I'm a teenage girl, and I masturbate at least four times a week, and I'm wondering, is there such a thing as too

much? Nothing hurts, but I feel like maybe it isn't normal. I mostly read a rhodica to get going, and I've never had sex with a partner. Am I doing it too much. Nothing hurts. But I feel like maybe it isn't normal. I mostly read a radicaly at going and I've never had sex with a partner. Am I doing it too much? No, Christina, I'm so glad you asked this. Of course, as teenagers, we often feel shame. Like, we're doing it too much or something's wrong with it. Maybe you grew up in a home or a religion where it said that it was wrong and you would go to hell. But four times a week, if it feels good to you, I think it's fine. You're doing it in your own bedroom or in a place

where you feel that people can't see you masturbating and are encouraging you to masturbate. There's nothing wrong with it. I just want to help absolve you of all of your guilt and shame. I wish I could wave a wand over the world and just make everybody feel a lot less shame and a lot more pleasure.

That's the world I want to live in. You're doing fine, Christine, promise. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner.

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