Sex With Emily - Meditate, Masturbate, Manifest w/ Tal Rabinowitz

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

There’s no such thing as an “easy life” which is why it’s SO important to develop the right tools to help you handle everyday chaos. Today, I’m talking with Tal Rabinowitz who’s helping people around the world learn to find calm in their daily commotion with her company The DEN Meditation.She gives tips for beginners who’ve never tried calming their minds and shares how meditation can totally change your outlook on your relationship. We also talk about judgment, specifically how you can stop labeling everything as ‘bad’ or ‘good’ and simply let things be what they are. It’s 2021—and time to meditate, masturbate, and manifest for a better year.For more information about Tal Rabinowitz, visit: denanywhere.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We literally do not breathe. None of us do. Even right now we're breathing so shallowly that it's just not true breath. So when you can actually take a moment to say, let me really deeply breathe, it shifts everything. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Bet through eyes they call them in a fight on day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. and liberate the conversation around sex. [♪ music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in helping people around the world now try to find calm in all the commotion with the den meditation. She gives tips for beginners who've never even tried calming their minds. Then she tells us how meditation has changed her relationship by giving her an equal eye view of it. And I've known Tile for a long time

and I've seen this transformation since she really got into her practice at den meditation. So a lot of talk lately about meditation, how important it is, and what I love about Tal and her work is that she just makes it accessible. We also take a call about jealousy and how that's impacting someone's relationship. And then Tal helps me uncover how to stop judging everything we do as really bad or really good and simply just let things be what they are. We can all use some of that right now, right? All right, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention. You know, while you listen

to the show, what do you would you like to get out of it? It could be, wow, I want to get a new perspective on my relationship. Well, my intention is to show you how meditation can help in every area of your life. So you can turn down all that chaos and crank up the pleasure. Enjoy the show. Hi, Tal. How you doing? Good to see you. I was just talking about you. I hope you were saying nice things. Always. Always saying nice things. So how's it been going over there with you and dem meditation?

Because now I know it's online. We can't do the same things you're doing before. There aren't as many distractions. So we have to find new ones. And a lot of people are like, well, then I'll just watch more TV. Or we can always fill up space with more busyness. So what are you finding that the students are doing online

now with denizen? And I think what's helpful about it is you're finding a community and not that you have to use it that way. Like some people are like, I don't want a community, I just want to do my own thing with us. You don't see anyone which I love during our classes. So you can literally be in your pajamas or naked for all we care. You can have a dog barking in the background. You can have your kids screaming.

So you really can incorporate it into your life however you want. That doesn't affect anybody else taking the class or the teacher. So that I love because I do think there's, everyone has a different form of chaos. And we have to be okay with that. And we all have to be okay with our own version of chaos. I mean, I have a child, I have dogs. So it's like you, you have to just kind of learn to like roll. I was doing my own meditation, my own class today.

And I hear like my daughter screaming downstairs, Alec is on the phone and I'm like, ah, you just kind of get used to it. But there's what I love about it is we have classes pretty much all day. So I think more than most online places, there's just live classes of juice from all day. And if you can't make it or you don't, there's also an archive.

So there's always something for you at all times. And we have workshops, we have certifications. And again, we always have the options you want to do it virtually live, like you actually want to see the teacher while they're doing it and have some sort of workshops. We have certifications and again we always have the options you want to do it virtually live like you actually want to see the teacher while they're doing it and have some sort of interaction or you that person just wants to do things on your own time completely not worry about that that's there for you too. So whatever you want to dig deeper and again it's there's you know it is a huge time where people need to take care of their mental health. I mean there's no way around that even if you are still have your job and you're still making money,

even in the best case scenario, you have to figure out how to live life differently because the world is changing. Period. It is changing. And so if you can be okay with change, then you're just not gonna be happy no matter if you have money or not money,

a house or no house. Like, you've got to be able to figure out a way to be okay with change. And I do think meditation is with that. You said something interesting about we all have our own chaos. So that's something that I've been working on for myself too, because I realize quite a while I said earlier, wherever you make the space, you will fill it.

And so even if I've go back and look at chaos from the past, whether it was my home, I didn't have that together, or business stuff, there's always this thing that we create. You know what I'm saying? Even if you solve one problem, there's going to be a next. So when you set everyone as their own chaos, can you talk about that? What, what were you referring to? Interesting.

What you just said, I find very fascinating because I think what's really great about this time is we've all been forced, whether you want to or not to look at your own patterning. You, you are. And you see it. So just like that, when would you have ever had the opportunity to switch your environment completely, your day to day completely, but then notice you're still You are. And you see it. So just like that, when would you have ever had the opportunity to switch your environment completely, your day-to-day completely, but then notice you're still reaching to fill

things in the same way. You would never have that opportunity before. And now you do realize, like, oh, so then you can start asking yourself the questions, like, well, why do I feel the need to fill it that way? Or why is this where I go? And that's when the beauty starts, because that's when you start to actually get to know yourself. There's zero judgment. I mean, we all have things that we perceive as negative or bad.

And we all have things that we perceive is really great. And it's all perception regardless because it is what it is. This is what I tell my daughter all the time. She's always like, Mommy, that person said they're older than I am. I'm like, well, they are. You know, not every, it's not an insult. It is what it is.

Like certain things just, and when you can learn to accept them for what they are, instead of always putting a value on it, well, then life gets a little bit easier because then you can just start seeing things versus getting caught in the emotion of it. But Deon Chaos, what I also meant by that is, like you said, we all have lives and look, there's people at home

that they're like, oh my God, get me out of my house. I've got two screaming kids. I'm trying to work. My husband's trying to work. My husband's trying to work. My partner's trying to work. How are we doing all this? I have a dog barking. We thought a puppy was a great idea.

Now it's peeing everywhere. Like, that's chaos. That's hard. It's a lot. So like everyone has lives. Or you're stressed out over there because you need to make money. And so then everything that's not going right

throws you over the top more because the pressure is bigger. That's chaos. And it's all fair. And it's all fair. And it is all fair. And we're all in it. But everyone's version is completely different right now. But there's no one who's not in a version of it.

And so I think it's kind of the time now to figure out, well, what is my chaos? Why is it? And how can I work with it? Instead of letting the chaos dictate you, how can I start putting my stamp? I've noticed that with a lot of our students, like, really the difference who have been taking classes from the beginning, especially ones with kids

who are like, I just feel like this is all about my kids, trying to make it okay with for my kids. And they're finally figuring out how to get themselves involved with their lives again. That's your key. Tell me more about that because I was gonna ask you, well, we met about four years ago now, I think,

you had a crazy life. You were an entertainment exec, you were doing all, you were living your life and the dream job and all the things, but you just, you know, you needed to find a place to meditate, right? And then you started the dead meditation so we could drop into the actual centers. Now they can drop into denanywhere.com online.

But in now you have time, it's been, I think four years, maybe since you started at our five, I can't believe it. Five. Is it? Oh my god, I don't know. That's amazing. I'm so proud of you and all your success, but maybe you could, and I think for some people,

they're just like, it's another thing to do. So maybe, yeah, tell me about some of the changes you've seen in the way that people might hear differently or understand it. Yeah, I think I talked about it in a while. Yeah. We really looked out in the sense that when I was opening it, people thought it was crazy. I mean, crazy.

Everyone was like, what? And then I forget what article. There was a huge article that came out about meditation, maybe like the month we were opening. Something that like it couldn't have planned it better, that really brought it to the forefront that people were like, you know, mainstream people who would never give meditation a second thought.

It's not like meditation didn't exist. It's been around forever. It's just how can you bring it so that everyone like you and me knows, hey, I committed a tattoo and I don't, you know, a big thing about the den, which was and still is, even though I'm super woo-woo as you know, it's really for, it the whole point is it's for everyone. So you don't have to feel like you have to walk into this temple, but by the way, I love that, but you don't have to feel like you have to walk into this temple. But by the way, I love that, but you don't have to feel like you have to walk in this temple and follow a certain set of rules or you're not joining a cult or if I eat this or I drink

that, I'm really not supposed to do that. I feel like there used to be that sense around meditation that it was very hippy-dippy or certain type of religion. And my whole thing was like, okay, how can I create something that makes it totally accessible for everyone? Because that's ridiculous. It really is for everyone. And now that I don't have to fight so hard to prove, I feel like that's just out there now.

So that's the biggest difference. If anything, I think I've had more freedom to get more into my woo-woo side. And that's why I love it. Then is we have enough classes that there's something for everyone. You want to get a little bit more hippy-dippy spiritual. Those teachers are there. You want to get just strictly mindfulness and more science-based. Those teachers are there too.

So whatever makes you more comfortable, because again, it's all about you. It's not about what's right or wrong. So I'd say that's been the best part. I think seeing people feel the difference because most people have tried it, but not most people, but a lot of people have tried it now

and have brought it into their lives for enough time that when they dip out of it, they do feel the difference. So they understand that this is like an exercise. It is like going for a jog or a walk, even just a walk, like even if you're not into just like doing the reps. It's just anything to keep yourself sane. I think people realize that meditation is part of that as well. Which I think is huge. Is there a practice of meditation that you think is a great starter? Or that's even hard to prescribe because everyone finds their own jam? prescribed because I think the moment someone can decide however and I say this I think I've said this here before if you can at least

And my brother who's in the military we had a huge conversation about this because he was so stressed out and I could see that he just wasn't in a great place And I was like you just got a breathe like you just have to breathe just in the morning before you like get out of bed and before you like fall asleep, just breathe. And like, even count if that's what helps. And just I like to picture it like from the base, like where I'm sitting, wherever you're sitting, like wherever your push is like hitting. You can tell I have a child because I call it a push. But I like wherever your butt's like hitting, I like to picture starting there. I like to give it kind of a light. That's me, some people like to count.

And I like to picture as if there's like a ball of light you're sitting on. And then I breathe slowly, and I picture as if I'm pulling that light up slowly until it gets either to my heart center, that might be as far as you can get your chest level. Or you could bring it all the way up to the top of your head depending on how deep and slow you can breathe.

And then when you exhale, I like to picture it going back down. So whether it way up to the top of your head depending on how deep and slow you can breathe. And then when you exhale, I like to picture it going back down. So whether it's again from the top of your head or your chest, picture it going back down to where you're sitting. And if you can just, I like a visual with it. I think it gives your mind something.

I love that visual. I just feel like I saw it. I just feel like I saw the light coming up. And everyone's different. You might see it. You might feel it. And if you don't have any of those just intend it just tell yourself This is what I'm doing and that's the same thing. There's no right or wrong There's no I'm messing this up. I can't do it. You can do it. It's just breathing

It's just slowing your breath down as much as possible That's why counting's good because if you can add an extra number on and realize you're slowing it down Honestly, five minutes of that will change your life. If you can only start with two, start with two. And then if you're really in a stressed out, really, really hard place, I know this is a whole thing. Everyone talks about gratitude practice, which I hate because it sounds so schmaltsy.

And I didn't realize I naturally did it all the time. Before I fall asleep, I almost always am like, thank you so much for blah, blah, blah, blah. And almost in the morning, if I ever have time, if it's not being woken up by my daughter screaming, which is usual, I'm using the same thing. I kind of wake up and it's the same thing. I'm just very thankful. And again, it's such a schmalsy thing where people like have a gratitude practice. But if you can naturally get into that, that will also start shifting it. Because it's so easy when we're stressed out in a bad place. I mean, you know what? I mean, you guys talk about relationships all the time.

Like, when you are fighting with your partner and all you do is concentrate on the fighting, it's so hard to get into a good place. It just is because you're sitting in that issue of shit, you know, we can curse, right? Right. Yes, totally curse. So it's the same thing in life. It's like when you're even not the relationship, same thing. When you're in a bad, stressed out place, if that's all we like sit there and mull over, as hard as it's not to mull over,

if you can even take breaks and train yourself to take breaks, everything starts to feel a little lighter. Yeah, okay, I like this. We're gonna take a break. It's tower-bidowicz. When we come back, Tal tells me how meditation can completely shift the quality of your relationship for the better.

To seem so silly, you're right, breath, but we literally do not breathe. So many times we hold our breath. We never, none of us do. Like even right now, we're breathing so shallowly that it's just not true breath. So when you can actually take a moment to say, let me really deeply breathe, it shifts everything. It's just a healthy, but it reshifts everything. The more you can do that, it really does start with that.

It just does. And I mean, look, it's all energy. So when you're anxious, when you're angry, when you're frustrated, when it's just, you feel it. You can actually feel it in your body. That like weird feeling you have in your stomach, that's just energy. So when you're anxious, when you're angry, when you're frustrated, when it's just you feel it, you can actually feel it in your body, that like weird feeling you have in your stomach, that's just energy. So the breath helps you start to regulate that and starts to actually kind of, you know, shift it. So it's energy that's working for you versus against you. I mean, look, you'll love this. It was, there was a day, I think it was last Sunday. I was so anxious, and I'm never, I don't get anxious very often. And I said

to Alec maybe Monday, I was like, God, yesterday was a day. I was so anxious. And he was like, really? You didn't seem like, well, lucky you that that's me at my worst. He goes, who wasn't that the day you kept like really just kept asking for sex? I'm like, yeah. But my thing, it was this excess of energy. And I could feel it. And I'm like, how else can I channel this? Like, I went for a walk. I did this. And I'm like, how else can I channel this? Like, I went for a walk, I did this, and I was like, I need to have sex. Like, I really was like, let's use this for the good.

Like, let's use this for the good. And so he laughed, I'm like, well, it worked your benefit. That's super healthy. Yeah. How do you think that doing all the work you do? It's now that you've been in it the last four years. Like, you really are doing, you're not just have a meditation place, like you're in the practice of it.

How has it impacted your relationship in your sex life through the work you've been doing with breath and meditation and Kundalini and all the things? Oh my God, my relationship is so much better. Like I can't even. It's like, and so much of it is because again, with meditation you learn, I think one of the big, the big benefits once you really get into it is you start to be able to see things from a more neutral perspective. So again, what I was kind of talking about earlier instead of assigning value to things where

everything is like bad or good or wrong or right, you start and think about that. Go through your day to even today and look back at how often you assign something bad, good, wrong or right, whether it be a person, a moment, a feeling, we do it all the time. And so when we start getting to a place, I think with meditation, you kind of retrain yourself that everything becomes more neutral. You become an observer of your emotions, but also like in arguments, you become more neutral. When you see things that's happening like in our country right now, you can become more neutral. There's just a way to start. I always call it the eagle eye perspective. Like you can kind of fly up and then you see what everyone is trying to convey or everyone's feeling.

And so in your relationship, it's the same thing. Like all of a sudden, I could have a more neutral perspective. And then it started making me go, oh, what am I bringing to the table here? Yes, he might have done x, y, and z, which drives me fucking crazy. However, how did I show up to that? How did I react to that? What did I do? How's he feeling? Where does that come from? Like, it shifted everything. So then my concern became more about me. And not like I didn't love him or care about him, but my concern about who needs to change

or who needs to get fixed, quote unquote, was me. That was my concern. How can I work on me versus how can I work on him? And once that started happening, holy shit. It's like, you don't realize that I started giving space to him to do his own work without him even realizing it. It wasn't like something we sat down and talked about. It's just this natural thing that happens.

And then also, he starts stepping up and evolving. And then we started meeting each other. And it's really changed our entire relationship. Wow, I mean, tell I see that because, I mean, I remember going to dinner with you like four years ago. And it was like things were driving you crazy things were going on with with Alec and now I mean that it's one of this homeostasis that I always talk about like with my therapist, too It's like if you change everyone changes around you so you were changing you you took your attention

Toward yourself and you were actually able to see that it wasn't he doing all these things to you You were like well, what was my part in this? What was my reaction? And as a result of doing that, you weren't filling the space the same so that he had to change. I mean, that's just, that's so beautiful. Like, I realized, you know, a friend of mine was going through some stuff

and she was talking to me, you know, everything. He did this, he did this, he did this, and like, it was all fair stuff. And I was saying, you just have to have a conversation. Oh, this was based on your post. I mean, you have to have an honest conversation and you have to say, like, I'm not happy. Until you say that, all these little nitpicky things

are only gonna make it worse. You have to have the bigger conversation of, I'm not happy. But it kept me like, man, I said, but be prepared. When you have that conversation, it usually gets worse before it gets better because he's about to tell you a bunch of shit about you that you don't wanna hear too. And you know it, it's all gonna be fair and there's gonna be truth in all of it about you that you don't want to hear too. And you know what? It's all going to be fair. And there's going to be truth in all of it.

And you have to be ready to hear it. And I do think that is a key of realizing there's no way when things aren't great in relationship. No matter what it is. And I mean it, cheating the worst stuff that can happen. It doesn't mean that person's an angel. But there's no way that you don't have something to do with that as well.

All right. That's exactly it. Taliboy is saying to listeners too, there is a partner and I say, even if you're part of cheated on you, okay, I know that's horrific, but we all have a partner. That's why they cheated on you because of your behavior, but if you are in a relationship with someone, it's 50, 50, you have a part in it,

you are bringing energy to the table, you are reacting, you are bringing stuff, And so it can be really hard to get to the point where you said this eagle eye view of what's my part, their part, our part. And that's the work. Because to do that, you have to be willing to get that pit near stomach going, oh shit, I did that. I made someone feel that way. Because usually when you're in that, or you're on a high horse, whether you might not feel like it, because you might feel like shit, because your relationship's not in great place. But you're usually on a high horse, whether you might not feel like it, because you might feel like shit, because your relationship's not in great place, but you're usually in a high

horse because somehow you're great and they're fucking up all the time. That's usually kind of a positioning, and both sides feel that. So it's hard to start doing that, like, oh, I'm not always, there's stuff that I am bringing to the table that makes that person feel like shit too, even if in my mind it's super justified, it's not making them feel great. So in this process with you, because I know exactly, I feel like there's two camps or maybe there's five camps of us who think it's our fault and then we blame ourselves and then we think that we're not good enough or we're always blaming others and we never see we have a part on it.

And maybe you're blaming the world or it's out of their control. But at the end of the day, perhaps the solution to that or the process towards seeing that is this slowing down and just sort of looking at it in a different perspective? Well, that eagle eye right there, like even if you are the person

who blames yourself and that makes guilty, that sets a dynamic in the relationship that creates whatever dynamic you're in. So even in that sense, it's an easy place to put a value on that, right? It's easy to put a value that says, well, like I'm fucking up, I'm screwing up, so therefore, but it's not.

Again, it's just dynamics. And the minute you can realize what part your dynamic is playing in it, well, that's when things can start shifting because until you recognize it, you can't change it. Like I was talking about emotions in class the other day and I was saying like we really have to start owning our own emotions. So you got to just step up and own this shit.

Like yes, they all started somewhere. So you had a trauma that made happen. It's not that that didn't happen. It's not that someone didn't fuck you up big time. It's not that your parents didn't suck or you were taking on your parents. I'm not saying that that's not the reason it started. But that's like it's the beginning point. That's it. It's just where it grew that's like, it's the beginning point.

That's it. It's just where it grew. It's just it's birthing point. But from that point, it has, like you just said, a million different camps. It has a million different directions it can go. And that's your choice, what direction you wanted to go. And that's when it's on you, not on anyone else.

Someone else might have created it in your life, but now it's yours and what are you gonna do with it? And so it's the same thing in that relationship. It's once you realize that you have this, you can take control. So same thing with those emotions. I say, you can't let go of that behavior pattern that's been controlling you for so long, whether you realize it or not, that thing your mom told you to do a million times. So now you just naturally do it.

Whatever it is, you can't kick it out of your system until you acknowledge it exists. So same thing, like if someone's at a party, you can't kick them out of the party until you actually acknowledge it in the party in the first place. So you have to acknowledge that this stuff exists, you have to acknowledge your part and things, you have to see that whatever your behavior pattern is, it's part of whatever the relationship is. And then once you can actually be honest with that,

well, that's when you can start slowly peeling the layers because then you tangibly know what you're peeling. Yeah, exactly. So can you put some examples to it? Doesn't need you to have to be your, if you don't want anything from your real life, but in exemplaries, we can get a conflict. Maybe that was present four years ago that isn't now

because of the way of seeing this view with everyone so many. I know. Sure. Our relationship's totally different. It's crazy. Like even he is such a much better partner, like helping me does the,

I mean things that just never would have happened before. And what I realized too, well here's like a present day thing because he's, we've really evolved. And I feel like he actually helps me in ways when before I felt very solo in doing everything, which I know is a very common complaint. I'm sure for a lot of people especially.

Yeah, let me just set that up. But it's very common that a lot of people call in, they're like, they're doing everything. They know is a very common complaint. I'm sure for a lot of people especially. Yeah, let me just set that up. It is very common that a lot of people call in. They're like, they're doing everything. They're raising the kids. They're cleaning up. They're making the dinners. They take care of everything and feel like and kind of have resentment, maybe that their partner

isn't stepping up. Yeah. Okay. And I know that when I, I think for me, I just started saying, well, this is who he is. Stop trying to make him something different. If you're, by the way, no one's saying you have to do it either. To me, like, let is who he is. Stop trying to make him something different. If you're, by the way, no one's saying

you have to do it either to me. Like, let's do a basic example of like, that dish. Yeah, that dish is super perfect. I take it. So it's like, instead of saying they're getting angry at him for not doing the dishes, I was like, well, no one said I had to do the dishes.

I'll do it when I want to do the dishes. Like, stop putting this all on him, let him be him. And worry about you. And worry about your reaction. Like, you knew who he was when you got together with him. You also are the doer in this relationship. I'm way more of the proactive one. So stop making this an issue. Right? And weirdly, like now I joke, he does it. He like yells at me to move away. He's like, you cooked, you leave. Like it's such a different dynamic. And then because of that, because I feel like we've evolved, it gets easier and easier.

So if I see him sometimes in my mind doing less or quote unquote, being lazy and I hate that. That's my shit. That's my shit. The fact that I use the word lazy. That's my shit. That's what I'm bringing in the table

because I have all these preconceived notions of what lazy is because of how I was raised. And it's not fair. But I wouldn't have known that like years ago, I've been like, he's lazy, and maybe a minute, but now I'm like, like, is there a jealousy? Do you wish you could be doing that? Do you wish you could be taking more time for yourself?

Do you, you know what, you can. No one's telling you you can't. He has never told you that you have to do X, Y, and Z and you can't let's say and sit there and watch TV all day. I'm sure if I looked at him, I was like, I wanna watch TV all day today, he'd be like, great, do it. But like, I put all of these preconceived notions on it. I put this idea that lazy is bad and it equals this, this, this and that versus like, I could probably learn to relax a little bit more. So again,

when I started turning like, well, what can I learn about this about me? Again, now if he's sitting there doing nothing, I'm like, oh, but he does so many other things. It doesn't even really bother me the same. Or if I catch myself having that inkling of a moment right away, I'm like, let it go. This is you. I know it's me. And I know it's my own crap on what being lazy is versus not being lazy. And again, the fact that I'm even using that word just says it. I'm sure there's a lot of like.

Yeah. Well, because I'm always going, going, going. It's like, he's not doing it. Yeah, it's not natural, but that's so interesting. It's also that noticing too, right? That you're catching yourself now that it's happened so much. You're noticing before you lash out. For sure.

And again, it changed my whole perspective on this isn't about what he does. It's about what I think about what he's doing. And now why am I even thinking that way in the first place? Holy shit, let me open up that can of worms. and then I realize there's a can of worms behind it, and it's my can of worms, not his. Is it more through this meditation and all the work you've been doing? You were able to peel back the layers on your own, or were you journaling about it therapy? Journaling's amazing. I'm not a huge generaler. That's my own shit too. I probably have to go through, but journaling is amazing. So yes, I think if you can write the stuff down,

it uncovers more. I find when I get stuck, my mind works very fast. So I do a lot of this in my head, which is not the best. And a part of the reason I can do it is because I do have a practice. And I think it allows me to be able to kind of go through my stuff that way.

So I find when I get stuck, because I can kind of kill the layers. I'm like, oh, this is my own stuff. What does that mean? Venel journal, and I can usually kind of go, aha, like there's a huge aha moment. Yes. But yeah, it's my own kind of worms.

It really goes back to like my mom, who's incredible, and an amazing woman who was a doctor when women weren't doctors. Like, you know, she was an Israeli drill sergeant. I mean, she's a tough, strong woman and an amazing example, but it's not always what I meet. My personal thing, I was never taught what rest means or how good rest would be.

Instead, it was about you are not successful if you are not moving. You are not worthy if you are not doing something. You know, we notice you when you're kicking ass. It's like that was, ramming that was in my head. Like I see you, I notice you, I love you when you're working your ass off and doing really well.

But that's my own stuff. And so when I can start unwrapping that, I realize like, do I really have to be doing all that for someone to love me? You know, do I have to be doing that for me to think I'm okay? It's like, you know, what goes deeper and deeper? I could bore your audience.

I know. I get it because I totally understand the layers. I just have no news. So I just think it's so, I don't know. It's incredible to see your friends go through this stuff and to change so much and to actually practice what you're preaching and doing the work. I always say people do the work. It doesn't just have to be therapy.

It could be meditation. All right, we're gonna take a quick break. When we come back. Tal and I give advice about what to do if you get jealous when your partner spends time away. What's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's going on? Hi Emily, how are you? Hi, good Nicolette. What's up? How can we help? So my husband and I have been together for,

well, we've been married for five months, but we've been together for about two and a half years now. And I have a problem, I think, maybe it's just insecurity, but I think sometimes, you know, I want to make our time together, special as special as it can be, because we don't get a lot of time together since we both work full-time and we're gone away from each other. So we don't have a lot of time together,

and my husband's great, he's always there for me, but sometimes I just question whether I'm good enough, and I think it just comes from an insecurity within myself and when he goes with his friend, I get jealous, and sometimes I think, oh, well, the only way to fix this is maybe to, I will think I'm gonna need to find another guy or something like that to make myself feel better

about myself, but you've't give me all of the attention that I want when he is away from me. And I was wondering how do I guess just be more confident with myself and know that he is faithful to me because I know he is. I know that he would never ever cheat me or because I know he loves me and he's always giving me calm to men and being kind to me. And I think it's just a problem within myself

and I need to figure that out. Yeah, oh, Nicola, thank you so much for calling me. I totally get that internal knowing, like what is wrong or is it him? Is it by confidence and what's going on in our relationship and I'm curious to go when did this start was there has this just been going on the last during quarantine or have you always kind of had this feeling with this relationship. I think that started I went on my bachelor at party and we went to Vegas. And there were a lot of guys that were around. And I just realized that they were giving me

a lot of attention. And I wasn't used to that because I come from very sheltered kind of upbringing. I haven't really been around that a lot. And I've never really gone to parties. I went to a military academy. I don't know. I just started feeling that way when that happened. And now every time he leaves to go with his friends, I'm always imagining maybe other girls are around him.

And doing the same thing that kind of happens to me in Vegas. And it makes me feel really nervous. Okay, because you had the evidence that you're like, if all these guys are around me, what happens when he goes out or his friends circling around somebody? So, Nicholas, this all makes sense to me. Are you, is there any,

have you ever talked to him about this? Have you ever shared with him about some of these feelings that you've been having and kind of deepening your connection around what you might need. I'm trying to know what he needs. I've kind of brought it up to him a little bit like that I get nervous like when girls are around him I guess. And he just kind of says, Nikolette, you're being stupid that would never happen.

I love you and you should just trust that. And I've never given you a reason to even be jealous. So I don't know why I get these feelings. Right. There's like internal feeling. Yeah, I mean, I'm just thinking there's some other work to do that's not about him. It's not about your husband.

It's about maybe there's a yearning. There's some work to do. What do you think, Tal? Yeah. Is he a first serious relationship or have you had any others? He's my first serious relationship, yeah. And have you talked to him about when you said, because you said it was interesting,

I got all this attention and I didn't even know what that was like. So clearly you weren't getting this type of attention from him. Have you been able to put that into words of what you might be looking for from him that might make you feel a little bit, like it sounds like you might be needing something and you're discovering that about yourself and you don't know how to put that in awards maybe with him. Yeah, and then another thing too is that sometimes I feel like I don't sexually satisfy him and he sexually satisfies me because sometimes he doesn't always finish. And I think, and he says that it's because I, sorry if this is going to be,

but he says that it's because I get too wet. And so then, you know, it's not as good for him, which doesn't make sense to me. Okay. You know, a lot of guys don't necessarily finish during a intercourse, but it would be up to two of you. I mean, I love that you've had this conversation, but now I think, and I would love you to have this conversation with them outside the bedroom, not right after sex, not even right before sex in the bedroom, but just say, you know, I want to talk about our sex life.

And I love that I'm so satisfied and that feels really great, but I want to know what you might need to finish in the bedroom, because maybe we don't know. Maybe he never really finishes. Maybe he only finishes there every once in a while. Maybe he needs a hand or maybe you're wet. But then you just kind of have a towel by the bed and you wipe and then you go back in. So that shouldn't be, I don't love that he says to you.

It's because you're too wet. That doesn't make me feel, and I'm sure probably it's make you feel so great that there's something that you're doing that's not allowing him to finish. And I'm not sure all the accuracy in that either. And he's telling you what he feels he knows. But I think there's something that you're doing that's not allowing him to finish and I'm not sure all the accuracy in that either. He's telling you what he feels he knows, but I think there's something else here to talk to him about. And this has just kind of been happening recently

where he's been saying that and he hasn't been finishing and then he will just kind of like give himself like a hand job and then, but I don't want that. Like I want him to be able to like feel pleasure from me not from just himself that makes sense yeah i know that does make sense to scare me to now like when you go out with

his friends or maybe he thinks like all will be more satisfied with another girl and that terrified yeah i know that's all terrified me i totally understand this i you painted a really good picture. Do you feel like you've gotten more wet and then it's the friction, isn't there? I do. Yeah, and I don't know why and I just maybe I get really turned on, but it's only been the last like half a year that this has been happening where I get extremely wet. Yeah, it happens with our hormones and different parts of our Are you on any medications

or anything? I don't know, I'm not. Okay, no more scatrippin. Okay, I mean, honestly, it's women. We all different parts of our life. Different parts of the month, we get wet, we're not wet at all. So this too shall pass. But what you do is you get wet and then you have to keep your towel by the bed and then

maybe you could wipe a little bit, you could use your hands and finish them off. So I just think this is something that you could finish him, but it's a better talking about it outside the bedroom going back to what Talbot was saying, he might not know what he needs from you or that it's okay or that you could help him finish. So it just sounds like there's more to unpack here. I understand why this is sort of sparking some insecurity, but I think it's something that we could talk to him about and figure out the next steps here. It's communication. And I just need to be more confident that he is faithful and he's a good husband and

not worry about those kinds of things because then it makes it, I don't know. No, it is. Well, this is, I'm, we're telling you a lot of, yes, I think that is true, but to say, just be more confident and just get it together is not an easy thing to do. It doesn't work like that. But also, I think a conversation with you about your sex life, you know, you're married. I would start now and just say,

I know this is uncomfortable. I realize we've never talked about our sex life like this, but I want to make sure that we're the best lovers to each other. So let's talk about it. Like, what can we do when I'm wet? What do you need from me? And then I think if you start having healthy conversations, again, it's not always the easiest thing. It takes time because it's awkward and a lot of us never heard anyone else talk about sex. So it's,

but it gets easier. When you go out with like his group of friends too, so that you can be part of that fun environment. Like do you guys ever get to connect in that way? Like out kind of partying or whatever it is you think they're doing? Do you two ever get to connect that way? Yeah, we did. We had some friends over in Santa Cruz and we went this weekend and we spent some time with them. And he has really nice friends and I love all of his friends, the ones, and wives.

And we get along very well. And this weekend, actually, we went on a, friends, fiancees, and wives, and we get along very well. And this weekend, actually, we went on a, we were walking downtown in Santa Cruz and there was a sex shop. And I brought him in there to kind of see, like, maybe there's a toy or maybe there's something we could get together. And he's actually brought up the problem of me getting too wet, so I thought, you know, well, if he's going to be, if he's being open with me, maybe I'll take him into the sex shop, and we can look for different

toys or something to spice it up and make it better. And he felt very uncomfortable going into the shop and we didn't end up getting anything. Had you guys ever talked about trying sex toys before that moment? Yes, we have. We've talked about trying it. And, you know, I thought going into the store would make him more open to getting something and he just, I think he just felt uncomfortable and I think maybe it was something he was expecting me to purchase on my own and surprise him, maybe. Okay. Baby.

But this is the thing, Nicklet. This is what I want for you. Like then we'll get to the place where you walk out of that store and you say, you know, baby, I saw you were uncomfortable in there. Like it could be, you know what I mean? You could be like, you know what? Maybe you're thinking you want me to get this on my own. That's fine, because it is true.

Perhaps that if you're in a store and there's women working at a sex toy store and they come up to you and say, hey, do you want to get this vibrator dilded? It could, it might be uncomfortable for him, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to try toys. Just, you know, and I'm getting the sense that you guys both couldn't be covered in environment

where it wasn't as safe to be sexual or to talk about sex, is that accurate? Okay. So it's new to all, leaving the conversations around sex as new, buying a sex toys next level. Hi, my mom's always been open about talking about sex with me.

Okay. And she's always walked around the naked. She's always been very open about her body. She's very open book, but I haven't had, I guess just for me, I haven't had a lot of experience with relationship. That makes sense. You're 24 years old, it's your first serious relationship.

And what I do here all day every day for the last 15 years, I help people figure like most people, no matter what age they're at, they don't have experience. So someone could be twice a age, and they don't feel comfortable talking about sex. So what I love about this Nicolai is that there's nothing wrong here or broken,

being in a committed sexual relationship, and then actually talking about that relationship is just a new A new skill a new practice that you can let your husband know that it's important To you and you can even acknowledge it. You know, I know this kind of feels weird and we've never done this before But I'd love to kind of continue to figure this out together with that I'm not gonna you know, you can let him know like open everything goes. There's not going to be shaming or judgment, but you want to learn together because that's really what it's about.

And then once you start to talk about it, it gets easier, right? How you can tell us been in a long term relationship, like practice, right? Sure. And the one thing I want to tell you too, since you are new in like a serious relationship so you haven't had this as much, no matter what, whatever he ever says or comes at you with, you are normal. Like there's so many different ways everything comes. Like there's so many different ways that people are like and it's okay.

So if he's saying something, I don't want you to start internalizing it, that you aren't good or you're not good enough or because that's not the case at all. It's just getting to know what you both like, but never think because he may say, well, that was weird for me, that then you are weird. That's not the case at all. And I think that's important since this is so new for you, because I don't want you to start having your own self-south that then can grow and grow, and then that just causes problems from both of you. I really want you to know how and grow and grow and then that just causes problems from both of you.

I really want you to know how great and normal and perfect you are, and you guys just have to figure out each other together. That's very true. I just wish that I could satisfy him as much as he satisfies me. And I want him to feel good, because I feel really good when we sleep together.

And so I just, yeah. And so I want to talk to him to make it more special and spice it up or make it better for him. Yeah, talk to him about what he needs because maybe everything's okay. I mean, I hear what you're saying about him not being able to finish. This is just the first step. Okay, Nicolette. Thank you for calling. We're going to have some healthy conversations with you. You're really brave. Thank you for calling in. Just keep learning and talking.

Thanks, Bindicleette. We do that, right? We're not enough or we're not. We just want to keep going back to our messaging and and if you haven't been with enough people You don't realize how normal. I mean, I'm laughing because I'm like I'm 45. I wish I had that problem. Do I have the opposite? Exactly. Well, right. I wish I was too wet that everything was like, right. Exactly. But also just the thing of not being normal in the bedroom.

We always think that we are, a lot of us think that something happens. Actually, we must be the only ones. And that's because no one ever talks about sex. If they're not being sad, it's a lot of times. It's their own, the other person's own issue too. And then we just take it on ourselves. And it's hard. We do this as women, don't we? We take a lot on. I'm not saying men don't do it as well.

They do. I hate the hate, but in gender around it, we have to be the best at everything. We have to solve everything and take care of everything. And then we make assumptions about things. Just like we were talking about with Nicolette, I mean, it's what we were talking about all this whole conversation. It's so easy to put value on something. So whatever happens, it's like right away, you're either putting a negative or positive on it versus it is what it just is. Like this is a fact of what's happening. Let's talk about it so I can understand it more.

Now that's hard to do. I mean, you're human, so you tend to feel. But when you can get to that place of that, you'll be like, oh, this is just fact, it's not about me. Let's just now actually discuss it and go deeper. Well, that changes everything. So, so for example, you were talking about this too, even with your daughter that she said, you know, someone said that their older than me is at a bad thing.

So we automatically try to make meaning. We assign meaning to everything. And if you really, if everyone here just takes a minute, I'm telling you, take a minute and think about your day, Think about the last 15 minutes. I bet you've placed value on a ton of things. We all do. It's hard not to. God, we do it all the time, especially around sex.

We do it all the time too. We think that our partner wants something that it's too, we made a judgment around people's choices in the bedroom all the time. Even that sex toy, yeah, we just don't nickel it. It was like, well, he went into the sex toy store and judged that that was an awkward experience. It must mean this.

It must mean that he's not into toys anymore. Like we are constantly casting judgments and then we're not even checking them. Is it true? Yes. And even then, if it's like two strangers having sex, it's like just because someone might want to do something that one person perceives as crazy. Again, that's not crazy. It's not better.

Good. It's just what that person likes. And then someone might perceive that someone else is a little too quiet, you know? And then again, they're saying that's better, but that's not better good. It's just what that person likes. And then someone might perceive that someone else is a little too quiet, you know. And then again, they're saying that's better, but that's not better good either. It's just what that person is. Nothing. So like when you can start just looking at it as, oh, that's just fact. And then it becomes so much less heated, less hearted, yeah.

And it's charged. Charged. Thank you. It's a perfect for it. Yeah, no, it's really true. And that is the practice. I actually feel like I just got a littleged. Thank you. It's the perfect for it. Yeah, no, it's really true. And that is the practice. I actually feel like I just got a little meditation session with you. I just say healing session.

I actually came to that. I was with some people last night that I hadn't seen in a while thinking about how they were sort of a mirror that I found them to be the sport judgmental about things. And I thought, I'm doing that as I do that too. And so, so that's people are a mirror, like, right? Things that people are doing, you do yourself. That was impressive. And so, so those people are a mirror, like, right, things that people are doing, you do yourself, and then sticking everything to mirror. And you start to realize how judgmental you are.

I think I'm not, and then sometimes I'm like, oh my God, I am, but only about these things. Well, those are big things. Well, I'm allowed to be judgmental about these things, because I believe them to be true. Because I'm right. Right. Exactly.

Well, these are right. I mean, I get in that discussion all the time with people because, and by the way, I do it also. I'm not saying any of this from a high horse. I'm just aware of it now. But it's, oh my God, that's my favorite thing we all do. It's like, no, but that's right. So of course, we should be judgmental about that, right?

I mean, and it's tricky because. But let me hang on onto this one thing. You can't though, and especially with sex, what are you judging right now? What are you judging that you want to let go of? I mean, I don't have the opinions, judgements, they're all the same, correct? Tal, where can people find you and what?

Literally, I love seeing your face, but what can they do right now to come find you and hang out with you? Yeah, Instagram run dead meditation, where my personal Instagram, which is at Tall Rebinoids, or go to DenNNewware.com and you can find everything we offer. And like I said, classes all day, every day. And if you can't take them live or don't care to take them live, they're all archived as well. So really, there's no excuse.

Again, if you want to do a workshop, if you want to do a course, if you want to do a certification or just classes, it's all there. So yeah, I want to come. I do, I feel like I just had a little class with you. And I just love the way you teach because it's really real. You're like, I get it. I'm like, you're not trying to be someone's guru. You're not trying, you don't have to like pray to the God of tall, although I do personally, just because I love you as a friend. But no, but you just kind of make it accessible to everyone. And you're doing a really part of you. And if you ever start taking a class or you're studying with

anyone who makes you feel like they're the end all be all and you can't do this without taking their class, go the other direction. Because the whole point of all this is eventually, you should be doing, you be processing and doing all this stuff on your own all the time. You have it. Everyone can do it. So, oh my God, I'm so anti-gruel. I can't even begin. I thought I'd talk about that next time. Well, thank you so much for being tall. I'm here tall. I appreciate you so much. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast. And share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now

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