Sex With Emily - Mental Health = Sexual Wealth

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

We all have personal demons. Whether it’s anxiety in your relationship, dissatisfaction in your sex life, or something hurtful from the past that’s infecting your present. But how do we heal so that our sex drive can thrive? That’s what today’s episode is all about. I talk to callers about their sexual mental blocks, and how to move past them for a more empowered future. When outside circumstances create stress for your family, how can you still prioritize intimacy? When one partner is inhibited in bed, how can they learn to relax, and find their authentic sexual voice? And when you’ve been through the death of a loved one, how can you make room for a new relationship while honoring their memory? All this and more on today’s show. Show Notes:Gifts For Every Turn On: Valentine’s Day Guide 2023OdelaHealth.com/SexWithEmily to save $50Promescent.com/Emily (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout)Article: Ask Emily: How Do I Make Scheduling Sex Sexy?Yes No Maybe List & Other GuidesPodcast: Therapy: The Relationship Game-ChangerEMDRIAMore Dr. Amen: Instagram | TikTok | Twitter | WebsiteYour Brain Is Always Listening by Dr. Amen Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yes, Maddie, I'm just like nodding in agreement. You're still that Maddie from 2000 having sex in the crowd in Las Vegas. You are still that woman who has those desires. That's the good news. It doesn't go away. It's still there. And we're going to let her come out right now and lead the pack here and start thinking about that. Like when you go home tonight, like talk about your hottest sexiest scenarios and then you're going to start to feel it to get in your body. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We all have personal demons. Whether it's anxiety in your relationship, dissatisfaction, your sex life, or something hurtful from the past that's infecting your present. But how do we heal so that our sex drive can thrive?

Well, that's what today's episode is all about. I talked to collars about their sexual mental blocks and how to move past them for more empowered future. When outside circumstances create stress for your family, how can you still prioritize intimacy? Or when one partner is inhibited in bed, how can they learn to relax and find their authentic sexual voice? We also talk about what to do when you've been through the death of a loved one.

How can you make room for a new relationship while honoring their memory? All this and more on today's show. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention and I encourage you to do the same. When my intention is to remind everyone that it's human to have mental blocks around sex. I mean, most of us do, okay? By the end of this episode, you'll not only feel less alone, but have ideas for taking care

of yourself mentally and sexually. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really helps us and we so appreciate it. My new gift guide, GIFs for every turn on Valentine's Day guide, 2023 is up at sexfemely.com. And you're going to love this year's gift guide. We did something a little bit different and you're definitely going to find the gift for everyone in your life, including yourself. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok.

It's all at sex with Emily, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 57539. Just be sure to include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And, totally cool to change your name, or choose to remain anonymous.

Before we get into today's episode, I wanna tell you about our partner, Odella Health. As the first virtual health clinic focused on women's sexual health, Odella makes it that much easier and more accessible for well-vow owners to get the care they need. They specialize in care for women who are postpartum, paramedicosal, or postmenopausal,

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That's O-D-E-L-A-H-E-A-L-T-H.com slash sex with Emily. Or click the link in our show notes. Art everyone, enjoy this episode. So today's show is all about the connection between your mental and sexual well-being, and I'll be answering your calls all about this important challenge at many couples' face. So let's start with Maddie. She's 45 in Texas. Hi Maddie, tell us what's going on. I was kind of asking you, like, handle stress so it brings you closer together rather

than tearing you apart. We have an extremely stressful year. Additionally, we also have an outsider stressor. We have a child with a rare blood cancer. And this year on top of like everything else we've also lost our jobs, we've had back to my husband's home town. I've got a mother-in-law in our business. I mean, if you sat down and wrote a book on how to make things crazy, that's what we're doing.

Yeah, that's amazing. This is fun. I just thought maybe we could talk about some of the coping skills that couples can use to kind of combat all the things that we're all going to. Yes, Maddie. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. How long have you guys been together? 21 here. Oh, wow. Okay. So, so many. Have you guys, I would recommend to, are you getting any time away or time apart, time for yourself? Well, we do when we can, I mean we're kind of literally in the middle of a, of a tri-state move.

Okay. We're working, we had a great company that we worked for, and every time our son needed to go to a doctor, they would move us because we're plan surveyors. Typically, we were together 24 hours a day, which for a lot of couples would be a deal breaker, but it brought us closer together. And so time apart just for ourselves, that was that evaporated kind of early on. Right. Right. Unfortunately, that was what times fair time we did have,

kind of went into research and then we have two children. So then it was like also managing the needs of our other child as well. Right. So it ended up putting the load. Okay. How was the stress showing up in your relationship right now? Oh, it's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot.

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It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It been both hitter-miss. We both have high-sex drives, but we're not always on the same level with that. Sometimes we find it really high and we can be kind of like tired and vice versa. But we finally found our stride, I guess, about 10 years ago. We were like, okay, you know, we kind of got that bump in the road, worked out, oh, okay, we don't take it personal like, oh, well, I'm really not there or sometimes I am. And then we kind of worked with each other. So you need to get really good about communicating. Okay, that's great. But then in the last couple of years, he did test for low test software and so that's

being treated. But sex to him is really incredibly, incredibly important. Okay. And for me, it's important, but it is not the most paramount thing. For me, it's emotional, and great sex is the vi-photic to me of a great emotional relationship. It seems like it's kind of the opposite for him. Great Sex leads to the great emotion with them and anything. Yeah, that's typically kind of more a masculine thing, right? To have the sex, then you need the emotional connection to feel more sexual.

First off, it sounds like you guys have really been through it, and you really do a really good communication, the fact that you were able to figure out your sex life and all that. So first I would identify, you know, some of the stressors, like if you guys had a chance to actually sit down and talk about what is actually going on and what you're feeling, because once you can kind of identify, have an open, maybe one night he's talking about what his triggers are and what's stressing him out and you talk about you know what's what's going on for you because maybe just some of it needs to be cleared and you could figure out ways

to support each other when this happens. So so I think that but it doesn't sound like you're not having a lot of resentment towards each other right it sounds like you are actually cohabitating well. Yeah, it definitely, I mean we have good moments and bad moments. We use humor a lot. That's one of our big copy mechanisms is humor. Like we move everything a joke because that's just that's just our personality. Okay, and you listen to each other. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And that's the thing is we've employed a lot of great coping mechanisms. Okay. Do you have a family counselor which yeah, you're not, you said you weren't going to push therapy. I'm going to like it. good. Use different for us.

Okay, good. Good. Yeah. Now, jump in to get the child counseling for anxiety, and we realized the whole family really needed it. Everyone needs therapy. A lot. Thank you, Maddie.

Okay, good. Well, I would say that if you wanted to focus on, I was trying to kind of f- s- s- s- s- out of the things here, but if you want to focus on your sex life then, I think that you have to, that the nine number one tip, I have a few tips for you. The first thing would be scheduling sex. Because then it's not like,

well, you want it one day and he wants it the next day. And even if you're not really feeling it right now, there's magic in knowing that Saturday night, we're having sex. Like it's going to happen because then you don't feel bad that you didn't want it on Wednesday when he wanted it. And then you can kind of look forward to it. You can kind of maybe start to talk about what you're going to try that night.

You know, maybe you'll wear something that makes you feel sexy or you'll try a toy together. You'll do something a little bit different. So it becomes an event and it becomes something special that you are doing together. I recommend like doing some exploration together. You know, a lot of, I know that you probably don't have a lot of time away from the kids in your home with your mother-in-law, but a lot of couples listen to this show together, or they download a bunch of my podcasts,

which are available on all these platforms. To listen to together, we have something on our site as well, called a Yes, No Maybe List, and you can look at all these sex acts, like everything kissing, cuddling, spanking, and you could kind of see other things you want to try. Because you might need, like, so then you compare the lists and see, oh, I didn't know you wanted to talk dirty more.

And just try to give you little things, because you just don't need to overhaul everything. You just need to make sure that you're prioritizing it, right? That it's going to happen, maybe getting a toy that you can, you know, do that, or mutual masturb masturbation so you're both getting off, especially if there's like noise issues, if the parents are around, you can also take it off the table right now. You could say, well, you know what? We're not gonna have sex for a month or something, to work on other things. Maybe it won't be intercourse, but you do more

hand holding it into mesees. So I'm trying to, you know, so does that, is that helpful for where you're at right now? For tips, is there anything else? No. OK. That's actually great tips, because I think you get to a point where you're just like, I've done everything I know to do, you know?

Yes. And it's, right now, things are intense, but we're still holding strong and holding fast. It's just great. I see coming on the horizon that if you don't think things are going to get really a lot harder. And then it's not us against the world. It's been for the us against each other as well.

Oh, and Maddie. Yeah, I can't see that. That is beautiful. You sound so well adjusted here with your husband. So I think it's a matter of saying, you know, babe, I really know how important our intimacy is for both of us. So let's do some fun things together. Let's plan on Saturday night when the kids are with the babies or the kids are at whatever you can find time. And maybe you could go get a hotel room for a few hours. You know, I know that I know money might be tight right now, but maybe you could find a place where you could just connect or

make it special again, talk about it. Like this this is what I have found and this is when couples talk about their sex life in a way that makes it fun, like, what can we try, what can we do together, that could be the spark that you need to connect you again. Just that act of saying, let's prioritize it and or let's talk about the three most memorable times we've had sex. There's a power in reminiscing as well that sort of connects couples when you reminisce about the three most memorable times we've had sex. There's a power in reminiscing as well that sort of connects couples when you reminisce about the past together. So writing down the three most memorable times or the three, you know, fantasies you both want to

try, I think, like making a fun game out of it. And I'm sure he's going to appreciate that you're already thinking ahead about it. I hope so. I would expect so. Like, he better. Like, I'm awesome. And I'm going to make sure he's happy. You are awesome. You sound awesome and super capable to make this happen. So, and also, you know, going easy on yourself too, if you don't always want it. And he and, like, if couples have an understanding, like, okay, so it's going to be a little sex is going to be a little bit lighter the next two weeks for like then you there's a relief that comes to that or just kind of getting on top of it. So talking honestly and opening you by your sex life and then making a plan for sex. Yeah that sounds great like we figured out where each other's buttons were a long time ago so I think that's a great suggestion I think that's gonna help us out a lot.

Yeah yeah if we can schedule time for each other's buttons, we'll do the better. Because I think that's exactly the same. We're shifting past and in the night at this point. Right, yeah, that's it. So what's that sound? You'll get back on top of it, you will. And I think again, just by talking about it,

not blaming and getting ahead of the resentment here and healing it with love and sex is beautiful. So I'm off for you, Maddie. I'm your fan. You're doing great. Thank you. Well, thank you. Any other tips for stress-based and a relationship?

What are you into? Like what? Are you, I mean, toys are great. Trying something different, having sex in different rooms, you know? What has been the most memorable sex you've had with your husband? Our last name, uh, okay, so this is a little naughty, but uh, New Year 2000 is the middle of the crowd in Vegas. Yes, that's amazing. The middle of a crowd.

Yes, no, maybe they were all gonna amazing. Okay, so first off, I want to give you a medal, but also that might tell me that you love that it was unexpected. It was spontaneous. Maybe you were going gonna get caught. So maybe there's a little bit of dare you want to do. Maybe you having sex outside of your, you know, of his parents' home right now when they're sleeping. Maybe there's some kind of excitement element

that you can bring in right now. Something that's daring. Could you recreate that? I'd be at the end of the screen. Yeah, I think that's, you know yet. Thank you for helping realize that Could you recreate that? I'd be at the end of the screen. Yeah, I think that's, you know, yeah, thank you for helping realize that because I've definitely fallen into the old married woman routine. And I don't think that was who I was when we met. And I think that's not who I am under all the layers of PTA acceptable behavior that I put on, you know, for going to school. Yes, that's the thing.

Yes, Maddie, I'm just like nodding and agreement. You're still that Maddie from 2000 having sex in the crowd in Las Vegas. You are still that woman who has those desires. That's the good news. It doesn't go away. It's still there. And we're going to let her come out right now and lead the pack here and start thinking about that. Like when you go home tonight, like, talk about your hottest sexiest scenarios and then you're

going to start to feel it to get in your body. Sometimes we need that reminder of things that have happened in the past together, reminiscing. That might be it too. Communication is a lubrication. Awesome. I love that. Communication is a lubrication. Oh my gosh, I love that. Communication is a lubrication.

Oh my gosh, I'll leave you with that stuff. I better. Awesome, Maddie. I love hearing from you guys. If they worked, they didn't work. Let me know how I can help you. What I told her was the yes-no maybe list on our website at sexathemely.com is a great starting point for couples to start

talking about your sex life if you never have This is the time we all need it. We all need sex love and connection. We really do Let's talk to Rick 36 in Idaho. Hi Rick. Hello. Hello. What's going on? Thanks for calling I got a question for you Emily. So when I have sex with my significant other there's not a lot of like moaning or any verbal communication. I was wondering what can I do to break through that barrier? Well, I think it's a prep again like everything. It's a practice and she probably has never been vocal in bed

before. It doesn't really maybe she feels like it would be awkward. So have you ever talked to her about it and say, I think it's really hot to hear you moan or to hear when you're turned on? I have. She is kind of stuck in her own head and kind of has difficulty expressing it. Yeah, you know, this is a practice. You know, maybe she grew up in a home where it was not okay to make noises or she feels shameful for being a sexual being.

So does she not make any noise? Every once in a while, but it's very seldom. Okay. It's not, you know, it's practice. And I think, again, maybe you could kind of, I don't know, it's just so funny because once you start making noise, I feel like I can't stop, but I don't even know how to not make noise because it's so, it's so, really, it's so, it's just like if it feels good, you just mown and it just, but it's like she says a repressed, right?

She's repressed around this. So it's kind of like undoing whatever, you know, did she grow up in a home where like does she have any sexual challenges around, you know, religion or anything like that? Um, not that I know of. It was a big household, so I'm sure it was harder. Do you know if she has orgasms or she masturbates? Um, yeah, about once a week. Oh, cool. I mean, what I recommend is I tell women to practice or men, anyone practice on your own. Practice being your master meeting.

Just let it out. Make some noise. Like, open your mouth a little bit and just let that noise come out. Like let it, it's a practice. Like what does your body want to say at that moment? It almost you realize it's involuntary that you realize that once you start like moaning or like just kind of letting out a deep moan or a sigh, like exaggerate what's already there, right?

Exaggerate the moan, exaggerate the, you know, what hurts, she has to find her natural sex noises. Like a lot of us think we have to mimic porn or, but I think that she doesn't know what hers are, but once you start to sort of tap into them, then you then you realize, oh God, this is just part of it. Like if someone does anything, you're like, oh, you squeal if you're happy,

you moan if it feels good. So you realize it's more effort to stop yourself from mourning than it is to moan. So she could also maybe use some words and start talking, maybe she just said that feels good. Like would you like that if she just started giving you verbal cues? Okay. Yeah.

You could tell her that. You could. Yeah. Yeah. Just say, tell me what you're feeling. Do you ever say to her like, how do you feel or what feels good to you? Do you ever talk to about that? We're kind of getting to that stage, but yeah, it we're starting to break through a little

bit. I was just wondering if there's like anything that you specifically recommend and that's kind of what we've been trying is what you've already kind of said. Yeah, I mean, I think if I think that's what it is. Like, start making sounds that are sort of echoing the physical sensations that you're having, like you're amplifying the moment rather than distracting from the moment. And if she doesn't have the words,

she could say, like, that feels good. Or I like it the way you're touching me here. If she doesn't have the mones yet, then she'll start to feel comfortable because you're gonna tell her, like, you know, you're going to say that's really hot when you do that. And so I feel like a lot of you will just feel bad about vocalizing their sensations. So like I think that she could even maybe when she's about to orgasm, when you said

it's once a week, she can kind of, you know, deepen the deep in the, the, the sensations of the orgasm, like letting out a noise when she's about to orgasm. And then then it might start to come out more. Maybe if you also have some music playing, that could help. Maybe she'll feel like it's not so silent. And then also taking really deep breaths. Deep breaths allow us to kind of flip

and you like, like a deep inhale, and then your exhale's like, ah, you know, it's just sort of a natural like if she, if you guys do some breathing exercises together, then you can also naturally, the big, like you hold it, like your exhale's longer than your inhale, in for six counts, out for seven counts. And if you do that before sex,

that might get her comfortable making noises that aren't so pretty maybe, but they're hot. She just probably doesn't have experience yet so I would try to play with her in one of these ways okay. Okay. Okay. All right. All right, Rick. Let me know how it goes. Awesome. Love it. Thank you, Emily. Let's talk to Angie 29 in Connecticut. Hi Angie. Thanks for calling. How can we help you? Hi, Emily. Thanks for taking me call. Of course. So I called it and you were really helpful.

I was like having some problems with like mismatch sex drives stuff with my boyfriend and you gave some really good advice about like trying to kind of get more in touch with my body. A lot of what you guys are talking about in trying to be more mindful. And so I feel like I ended up doing kind of like more of a body meditation and really tried to get into myself. And I have like an issue kind of like accepting the whole, you know, like self love, masturbation thing. I still have some shame around that. But I really tried to like get into it and and what ended

up happening and I really felt like I went into a meditation beforehand and whatever what ended up happening is I started my mind started going to my boyfriend that had passed away a couple of years ago and okay and that too that kind of like it made me feel weird because that's kind of what I was thinking back to and that's what made me, you know, get to climax and then I started feeling all these emotions and I haven't thought about him in that, like when I'm doing that, I haven't thought about that in a long time. Like when he first passed away I was of, that was happening all the time. And then I would cry.

And then it was like a really intense experience, right? But I feel like I kind of shelfed that for a while because I've tried to really distance myself from it. And then I have this issue now where, you know, I'm with someone else now and it's really great. But it's not nearly as passionate or as intense or as, you know, it's just one of those things and nothing will compare to this.

And I know a lot of people say that when people lose people, but it really is just one of these things where it was one of those unique things I'll never have again and I've accepted that but it was like it was just so passionate and it's hard for me not to compare where I'm at right now you know what I mean and I'm just trying to find a way. I feel like I've I thought that I've like let it go but then like like, you know, it's a few years later now and now I feel like it just comes in a little bit in ways or whatever, but. Okay.

The truth of, yeah. You mean the death, so are you saying, so yeah, Angie, I'm so glad you're coming back in. So you're saying that you called in a while ago because you were having problems just kind of being more roused with your current partner. And then now through, you start to meditate, you get in a while ago, because you were having problems just kind of being more roused with your current partner. And then now, you start to meditate, you get in a state or during masturbation,

and then now you're just, whenever you're with someone, you're just having these thoughts of your boyfriend who passed away. So it's not that I always have thoughts of it. So the thing is, I feel like I have more of a drive than my current boyfriend does. Okay. And so then when I think, and then I feel like I'm getting into this, I recently just started getting back into this,

like trying to be more mindful of my body. Okay. The last time I was just by myself, my mind went back to that boyfriend who passed away. We were still on the same level and it was so like there wasn't even a question and we just did everything together and it was just a very passionate and very spiritual connection. And it's hard for me to, I guess, I don't know. I feel like for a long time I was able to kind of accept like, okay, this is gone. I still accept like I'm not going to have this again, but still have like I'm like overcome with this thing that I don't have that passion that I had and I don't have that connection that I'm pairing okay yeah that's I'm pairing I'm very happy with where I am

now but it's a lot and it's a lot more stable now and it just doesn't have that like fire I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I mean I think part of it is acceptance too, like knowing that it's not going to be, I think it's not about better or worse, it's more like you had this experience that was beautiful and to kind of accept the feelings as they come up and thinking about your your acts and that you know you're 29 years old and and I just feel like maybe you're it takes a while to deal with grief I mean, I wish there was a timeline where you're just done and then you can move on, but it sounds like initially Maybe you're in a shock and you didn't it was sort of repressed and then you started doing more meditation and it started coming up and being more present

Maybe it is just a grief and like I feel like it's not as intense as it used to be. Like I used to think about him and when I was, you know, just, you know, masturbating and then I would cry and it just felt like very weird and pathetic. And then this sort of happened again after three years. And it was just came out of nowhere. And I understand that grief is not linear and all of that. And it just felt like, I don't know. And yeah, I guess I do feel kind of guilty because I don't, my boyfriend now knows everything that happened and Pete,

like I'm very close with the one who's passed and very close with his family. And now my current boyfriend is involved there and knows everyone, so that made me feel better. But at the same time, I don't feel like this is the kind of stuff I can't like talk about this with him. Yeah. I'm so glad you called in. We want to normalize it for you. Right? The more you write, if you can say, it's okay. This is what I'm experiencing in your present with it. And that charging. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's a good thing. Thank you. Oh, good. Angie, stay in Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that sounds better.

Thank you. Oh, good Angie. Stay in touch. Okay Angie. Before we take a quick break, I want to talk to you all about one of our long-time partners promising. You know I love their delay spray, which not only helps you maintain longer and stronger reactions, but it's also long lasting and doesn't transfer to your partner.

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M-E-S-C-E-N-T.com slash Emily for 15% off. Plus when you order online, you get free shipping, 60-day money back guarantee, and discreet delivery. When we're back, I'm joined by Dr. Daniel Aiman to talk more about the importance that mental hygiene can have in your pleasure. So stick around. I'm so excited to welcome my guest, because I've lots of things

talked to Dr. Daniel Aiman about, but he can also talk to Dr. Daniel Aiman. I'm so excited to welcome my guest because I have lots of things to talk to Dr. Daniel Aiman about, but he can also talk to you, help you out with whatever is going on right now. Dr. Aiman, if you don't know, America's leading psychiatrist, brain health expert, and so you can check out everything he's written in so many books and it's omanclinics.com. Oh, Dr. Aiman, where do we start? Good to see you. Thanks for joining me.

You wrote a lot of books. You have all of them. But Dr. Amy, what I want to say is that the reason why you say the end of mental health, that it's not a thing, but your brain is thick, the precursor, because if your brain isn't healthy, then that's going to impact your thoughts, you know, your mental hygiene, which I love that phrase. I love that you wrote that down. So how do we start to tackle that? How do we even, what does that look like, mental hygiene? Well, it's really simple actually. So eliminate the terminal illness,

call them what they really are, brain health issues that steal your mind, and brain health issues that steal your mind. And brain health really, three things. It's brain envy. You have to care about it. Freud was wrong. Penis envy is not the cause of anybody's problem.

I haven't seen it one time. He was like, two and a half feet too low and people's bodies. So you have to really care about this three pounds of fat between your ears, which means you don't let your children hit soccer balls with their head or play tackle football. And you don't really see alcohol as a health food. It's not. It damages the brain or marijuana's not going green. It's not, it's not good for brain health.

So care about your brain and then avoid things that hurt it. Know the list and do things that help it. Know the list and the little tiny habit is whenever you come to a decision point in your day, ask yourself, is this good for my brain or bad for it? And if you can answer that question with information and love, love of yourself, love of your family, love of your mission, you really start making great decisions. And I love that because it's not hard. If you can answer that one question, is this good for my brain or bad for it? So when you think of staying up late, well, not sleeping, that's bad for your brain. Or if you think

of believing every stupid thing you think, I call them ants, automatic negative thoughts. Now that's bad. We have to discipline our mind. You know, we live in this society that's completely undisciplined. If we don't think honestly, if we don't think accurately, we don't think clearly it damages our brains and our relationships. The front part of your brain is called the prefrontal cortex, focus, forethought, judgment, impulse control, and we often say no forethought equals no foreplay. You know, you heard of feelings.

They're not going to be good things happening later on. Exactly. No forethought, no foreplay. Because some people are like, you know, it takes a beat when you're like, oh, I can actually stop these thoughts. They're not me, you know, there's a moment, and then you have to keep reminding yourself. So where do we start?

I have a fun new exercise for you. Give your mind a name. Separate it from you just a little bit. So I named my mind after my pet raccoon when I was 16. I literally had a pet raccoon named Hermi. And so it just like, and Hermi, when I had her, it was a girl. I didn't know she was a girl until she got pregnant.

But anyway, he talked, talked, talked, talked. That's how Raccoon sound. And, and you know, my mind just like chatters at me. And if I can separate myself just a little bit, then I don't have to believe it. And I'm like, oh, you need to go away. Or I'm going to take a break from you. And I find that's just so helpful. Some of my patients, they name their mind Ursula from Little Mermaid or

I have a hockey player and he couldn't think of a name and I'm like, do you have a nemesis? And he's like Johnny. And I named his mind Johnny because he knew whenever Johnny was on the ice, he would never win. And I just want you to separate from your mind and start every day with today is going to be a great day. Focus your mind. We need to do a little work. It's not hard. It takes about three seconds. Today is going to be a great day. When you go to bed at night, go, what went well today? Because we have to

train our minds. You know, when we evolved, we evolved in a very dangerous time. The weather was dangerous. Other animals were trying to eat us. And, you know, you had to wake up in fear because that was rational. Right. Well, that is no longer rational. And those negative, fearful thoughts, they just invade us if we allow them to stick around. Well, you don't have to allow them to stick around. And there's one exercise I love. So the book's about dragons and ants, the dragons from the past that breathe fire on your emotional brain and how to kill the automatic negative thoughts, but this one exercise. If you write down a hundred of your worst thoughts and believe me, my patients have at least a hundred

bad thoughts. Oh, yeah. I teach them how to kill them. You do that exercise a hundred times, change your life forever. You can just live in the present rather than being tortured by all the ants that are automatic. That's it. I mean, I know for me, it's funny because I was actually listening to something this morning

in anticipation and excitement of you coming on the show. And it was an interview, think that we did, or I was reading something that you did listening and you said that about today's gonna be a great day. And I happened to be listening to it this morning at around 7 a.m. and I was in that in between I should go for a run, but then I was like on my phone listening and I was

fuddling around and then you said today is going to be great day. And I realized that I had been caught up in the in the I woke up a little bit anxious. There was yesterday was a crazy day. And I'm telling you, Dr. Aiman, I did that. I said, I looked in the mirror and I said, today's gonna be a great day. This is a choice and I put my phone down and I just, you know, stop looking at it. I went outside and it really just changed my day because I realized that I could have gone off

on those thoughts and processing yesterday, but that simple thing is such a great example of how we can just flip it. And it's just a practice. Not that I've known this, right? You know, we've talked. I know our thoughts aren't the truth, but sometimes if you have to put up reminders, even on your bathroom mirror, like today is going to be a great day, these prompts can help

you. And then eventually, we hope, right? They become a habit. So I can't hear that. Right. You know, if you want to have a good body So I can't hear that. Well, I mean, right. You know, if you want to have a good body, you can't eat right once. You can't go, oh man, I had a salad lunch.

I'm going to be good the rest of my life. You have to develop habits and practices that you do over and over and over again. I lost my dad. that you do over and over and over again. I lost my dad. Remember May 5th was the day he died, and I went to bed, and just because it's my habit, I went what went well today. And at first I went seriously,

because it was a terrible day. And then I just, I'm like, it's what I do. And I thought about the interaction between the police officer and my mom, which was so funny and so sweet. I thought about the hundreds of texts I'd gotten that day. And I held his hand before the corner took him away. And I just remember how soft his hand was.

And it was just so lovely. And I went to sleep and slept the whole night. And it didn't mean I wasn't sad and I didn't grieve. But it helped. You can direct your mind to help you or you have a choice. You can allow it to hurt you. And I really want people, and I adore you. So I want you to take ownership over your mind and really direct it to where you want to go. And I love the words ownership and responsibility because responsibility never means it's your fault It's just your ability to respond and I always want for myself and the people I care about I want them to have a hundred percent Responsibility to respond to whatever comes their way. Yeah, I have wrote another book called Your Brain in Love, and I'm like, oh, 40% of 40

worlds have erectile dysfunction. 70% of 70 worlds have erectile dysfunction. I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm sort of not okay with that. I'm not okay with it either. If you get your blood flow better, your mood is better, your memory is better, and the time you spend with your lover is better. This is all so helpful. Again, if you want to learn more about Dr. Daniel Aiman and his practice, visit his website

AimanClinics.com or follow him on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter. It's all at doc aiman. I want to stick a call together now. Let's talk to Michelle. She's 28 in New York. Hi, Michelle. This might be all over the place and I apologize. But I just want to start off with my father died

when I was two years old. I can see that this directly correlates to my current relationship. I was feeling the pressure of wanting to get engaged to my boyfriend. We've been dating for about three and a half years. We just bought a home. And an engagement is still not on the table. engagement is still not on the table. So I know I am very aware that therapy is necessary, right? But I'm 28, I am a teacher and trying to maintain a house with a boyfriend that, you know, it's financially not in the cards.

That's the main thing, it's just finance. It's just not. I do see that it directly affects my relationship because I do lash out at him. And it's not, it's getting gauges not on the table. And I know that it correlates with my anxiety of what happened to me as a child and that that wouldn would possibly happen in my future family with him.

So I actually, you know, kind of took some time for myself and thought, you know, okay, well, actually I use the funny phrase where if he's not going to stimulate my mind with this full commitment, maybe he'll stimulate something else. So we started to explore more in the bedroom, and he is, I mean, I'm 100% Italian, and he is 100% Irish. So for every 100 words I speak, he speaks about four, but he is still very open and willing

and wants to try whatever I want to try. And it's been great in the bedroom, but I still do feel like the correlation to what's really happening in our relationship is tough. And so I guess ultimately my question is just, how do I control it possibly? I know therapy is probably the answer, but how can I just create a successful day-to-day life where it's not on my mind all the time? Right, right.

Well, thanks for your question, Michelle. I mean, first off, just to unpack this here, the first thing you start with is, you lost your father at a really young age at two. So you said that could impact the relationship and then you talked about money, which I wasn't sure, you bought a house or he bought the house, I don't know,

that's just an issue, worried about money right now. I think we're all cutting you know finances. This is not in the best year So it's finances and there's something probably with abandonment or commitment and And and how was that manifesting in your relationship right now because you're feeling like your angry is that is it about your anger You feel like it's anger as a result of your anxiety Yes I'm angry that he doesn't want to take that step. But I also do feel like it's anxiety, like time is ticking where God forbid something happened

to one of us. You know what I mean? Like, if we did get married, that if one of us did end up losing our life earlier than expected, then I don't want what happened to my mother to happen to me or even to him. It's God forbid something happens to me. You know, I got it.

So your brain is racing to the past, what happened? The future tripping past tripping. So yeah, that does sound like thoughts are kind of racing all over the place. And yes, I can't help it. I do think that therapy is useful for everybody, but particularly, you know, having a loss like that, you know, I lost my father at 19 and, you know, at 19, and I know that it's different when you're two. It's all different, but it's still loss, abandonment, all those things. Yes, I do think that therapy is invaluable to everybody and a commitment to therapy will

help. Also, the thoughts, and so I'm wondering if you've done any, and we're going to have Dr. Amin's here, he can talk to you about this as well. But you know, learning things that we were talking about earlier, controlling your thoughts, learning meditation, breath work, you know, how's your diet, your health, Dr. Amin? What would you, how can we help a shell here? Well, I was thinking about my book, Your Brain is always listening about the dragons from the past that still require on your emotional brain.

And there are a couple of these dragons that popped up. So the first dragon is the abandoned invisible or insignificant dragon. And so when someone leaves you when you're two, even though you might not have a conscious recollection of it, The abandoned dragon is clearly breathing fire on you. And then, but what I really heard was the death dragon, that when death visits a person early, usually the death dragon shows up when you're 40, 45 and someone you love dies like your parents or the friends of your parents, you begin to realize, is this all there is?

And then you start worrying about death. But when you have a father die, when you're two, or even when you're 15 or 19, you begin to really start worrying about death, and that fear of death begins to infect the present and mess up your relationships. But you have to be very careful. If you want him to marry you, you really want to get your anger under control. Yes.

Because otherwise, you're going to put out in his mind as to your love. And it's not a pattern because I also have the angry dragon in here that you would want to show your base. And so understanding it and coming up with strategies to man. It's true. I mean that's the thing, Michelle, I know that you're like, oh, therapy and I was hoping I could kind of unpack this thing, but I really, I really do think and I wish I could come up with another way to let people know it. I don't think it's as hard as everyone thing or it's not as I don't know what people why why everyone's still resistant to it about therapy because it's really is a game changer for you to kind of understand the impact that the death had and where your anger is coming from.

But if you're not wanting, you know, I think EMDR and I know that Dr. Aiman, you're a big fan of it. a game changer for you to kind of understand the impact that the death had and where your anger's coming from. But if you're not wanting, I think EMDR, and I know that Dr. Aiman, you're a big fan of it too, it really was a game changer for me, and I've been in a lot of different types of therapy. So Michelle, that might be a really, and it's also not like a life, like it's the kind of thing you can go

for 10 sessions, 20 sessions, and just start to kind of realize that the impact that a lot of you know, life events has sort of come together after you say it's just an interesting therapy that stimulates like the neuropathies in your brain and it kind of change your your your right your neuropathies your brain. You know, I'm a lot of people have the wrong thought about therapy. Yeah. If you just think about it, if a business was in trouble and the owners denied there was a problem, they end up going bankrupt.

And the smartest people I know find the smartest people they know and ask for help. So asking for help, like calling the show, we're going to therapy, is a sign of strength. It's not a sign of weakness. We really have this backwards in our country. If your behavior Michelle is interfering with you getting what you really want, which is this passionate, loving, committed relationship, then you want to figure that out passionate, loving, committed relationship,

and you wanna figure that out because that just means you're really a thoughtful, caring human being. So I'm really grateful, you call, but taking that further to really understand, how did I get this way? And does it fit, right? It's one of the questions I have my patients ask themselves all the time. does it fit? Right? So one of the questions I have my patients asked themselves all the time. Does it fit? Does my behavior fit the goals I have? So for

example, with my wife, I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. Always want that. Don't always feel like that. We'll get these terribly rude thoughts that come into my head. And by and large, I inhibit them because it doesn't fit the goals I have for the relationship. That'd be a good thing for both you and your boyfriend to write down. What's our goal?

Because when we want to marry somebody that has the same goals, right, at least the big ones that you have, what's the goal? And then when you're not acting in a way that is consistent with your goal, that's the important time to find, okay, which of these dragons are breathing fire on my brain? Yeah, Michelle, I mean, I think the thing is, and I wish I could go back to my 28 year old self

because I really kind of started on my path, probably my early 20s, like therapy and meditation. But I wish I could go back to my 28 year old self because I really kind of started on my path, probably my early 20s, like therapy and meditation. But I wish I could know that I kept thinking, well, if I do this, it'll get better. If I do this and you can't, the same thinking that got you to where you are right now, I got to resist it. I got to stop the anxiety.

Isn't going to help you undo it. So like Dr. Aiman said, you know, have a problem with your business. You get a business coach, your car breaks down, you take it to a mechanic and we're telling you now you've got been through some trauma to young age, right now it's coming out in anger, you know, it could be other things, but I recommend getting someone to talk to, you know, before you, and then that could become your passion, getting yourself healthy and getting into a more, you know, I want

to say loving or, you know, safer relationship with yourself so you can trust yourself and trust your moods and your anger will allow you to connect more better, you know, better with your partner, you know. So yeah, I mean that was incredible to be quite honest, you know, that was even more that I could have asked for. I'm pretty aware that therapy is the answer, like I said, but it's a financial investment in myself. So I know that it is a step that I do have. Yeah, it is.

Everybody's doing one Zoom therapy session. Yeah. So doing them the R over Zoom, my clinic's in clinics. I do. I do. My clinic's on the country, 40 of our doctors every day on Zoom. And you know, they actually say it's easier. Nobody tested drive traffic and you're in New York. on Zoom. And you know, they actually say it's easier. Nobody

tested drive traffic and you're in New York, the parking costs are astronomical. It's just easier and you can do it from home or from wherever you're at. You just, you want to find somebody you trust that doesn't just want to find somebody you trust. It doesn't just listen to the problems, you have, I'm not sort of a fan of that, they give you skills, they ask you, what do you want?

Is your behavior getting you what you want? And if it's not getting you what you want, how do we change your thoughts because thoughts create feelings, feelings create behaviors, and behaviors create what you have or what you don't have. And it sounds like your behaviors aren't what you really want, which means we have to go back to what are the dragons

and what are the thoughts that are creating your feelings. All right, Michelle. I mean, and this all makes sense. I just want to just a quick side note, I apologize, but it all makes sense so much. I mean, there was a piece that I was missing sexually as well in my relationship, but I started listening to this podcast and gained the courage I apologize to approach him, healthy, you know, with new ideas, you know, sitting down, not just, you know, in a state of like in the bedroom, where to do it, you know, all we're giving you is like one assignment. You know, sometimes it gets very overwhelming, but like go online. I'd look at EMDR, I think it's mdria.org or something is the one.

That's what I recommend. But I've been doing it online two on Zoom and I think you'll just know that you're taking the first of the time. I'm so glad. I'm so glad Michelle. Keep listening, call in, you know, all we're giving you is like one assignment. Like, you know, sometimes it gets very overwhelming, but like, go online. I'd look at EMDR, I think it's mdria.org or something is the way. So that's what I recommend,

but I've been doing it online to on Zoom and I think you'll just know that you're taking the first step. And one more thing about the finances in therapy, I'll never forget this, but when I was going through our time, and my mom saying to me, you know, your mental health is more important than anything, because I didn't have money either, but I was like, I need to get into therapy.

This was like in my 20s. And so I'm so grateful for that advice because we can always make excuses, but it is true. You need your brain to be healthy. You're meant to help your mental health and everything. Okay, thanks Michelle. I appreciate your call. Stay in touch.

Thank you. Let us know how it goes. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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