Sex With Emily - MESS(y) & Sexy with Kirsten Vangsness

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

On today's show, Emily is joined by friend, actress & writer Kirsten Vangsness and they're talking about sexual shame, how to deal with rejection, and why feminine energy is so powerful! Plus, she's answering your emails.  She talks about ways to learn how to be dominant when you’re usually submissive, how to get your partner interested in sex again when you’ve started finishing a little too early, and ways to get your brain on board for blowjobs. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, CalExotics, Uberlube, SiriusXM, Emily's Subscription Box Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com For more info on Kirsten Vangsness, click HERE Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I had therapy this morning. We talked about some of the things I'm not going through a break up, but I'm going through not attaching to the worst case scenario things that can happen. You're intentionally terrorizing yourself. And it's like I have little sock puppets on my hands, and they have little bloody knives, and they're like, you're a harv- and it's never going to work. Just so radio knows, I have my hands.

I'm like moving my hands like little, like, little mouths. Um, you're a terrible person. How did you do that again? You have to kind of stop for a second and at least take off one sock puppet. I'm like moving my hands like little like little mouths. You're a jealous person. How did you do that again? You have to kind of stop for a second and at least take off one sock puppet. At least take one's or put a different sock puppet on that hand or just understand that it's you. It's coming from inside the building.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. On today's show, I'm joining my friend, actress and writer, most known for her role on criminal minds, Kirsten, Vang's Miss, and we're talking all about how to better deal with rejection, sexual shame, and why feminine entry is so powerful. Plus, I'm answering your emails. Topics include, typically you're submissive, but is it possible to learn how to be dominant? So you're about to move with your girlfriend, but she has no desire for sex due to your PE, you know, you're coming before you want to. How do you fix this? Okay, you're not really into blow jobs,

but you want to be. Where do you start? And your wife wants to try anal, but you don't want to hurt her, what do you do? All that's more, thanks for listening. ["The Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the

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Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Love of the Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Maui?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Do it now. You're going to love our website. Cuz there's so much great information on there to help you with your sex life and relationships. You can also find me Monday through Friday's Unserious XM Radio in the evenings from 5-7 PM Pacific on Star is 109 for even more great

sex talk. You can get a free subscription at sexwithemily.com slash S X M and you can always call with your questions, triplate 947 8277. Follow me on all social media. It's at sex with Emily on Instagram and Twitter and on Facebook. Find us everywhere. All right guys, I hope you enjoy the show. I'm so excited to welcome my guest, Kirsten Vangsness. Oh, he's a side of good friendship, is when you say something. I practiced, and he are good friends,

but she called me out of the heart, but it's not. I mean, I said it, Vangsness, Vangs is all day. But I adore you. She's known for putting up a galaxy on criminal lines. And you're doing a lot of amazing things. You're super talented, woman, friend. I see you all over town and people love you. You're like this sparkly, person out.

People run up to you. They know you. They love you. Not just for your role. I think it's for you are as a human and what you bring out into the universe is what I am. Oh man. No pressure.

I believe it. I leave it. I leave it. So she's that, but so much more. Last time I saw you, I was giving you a bunch of sex toys. True. For your raffle, for your kick-a-hat. Yeah, we did some legendary bingoing at Hamburger Marys here in West Hollywood, where the drag queens call the bingo.

And it's quite fantastic. And when I said that they were from here, people cheered because they, like me, listened to this show. And like all smart, sexual savvy. I forgot to listen to the show. Like I know that's weird, but many. I don't make those assumptions.

I actually do. I actually go and listen and I'm that person who's like, wait, that is good, Loub. And then I go and I use the code. I am that person. Yes, that's amazing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and then I go and I use the code. I am the first person. Yes, that's amazing. I am the person. I heard Lauren Roxberg on your logo.

Yeah, I actually referred Heather Jeff Coe to be on this show that pelvic floor physical therapy. So I was like, you know, you should be. Because I, I, I feel like everyone who is not sexually savvy and is sexually savvy should listen to things about being sexually sensitive. Exactly. I'm not saying I am not you brought well you could talk I mean no you you and you told Warren Roxberg to do what though you brought all the things I got that I got the the rollers I got the roller thing you're amazing they released

the tension yeah because when she was in your gun toy she was like oh I have that I have that I'm like that's so weird you're like no because you told me that that that yeah well I'm your fan yeah so I love that okay so that and like that's so weird you're like no because you told me that Lou by that that yeah Well, I'm your family. Yeah, so I love that. Okay, so we went well with the toys and then you didn't Because I didn't tell you we're raising money. Well, like that's you can't tell me that we're gonna know you did It's yes because we have a Kickstarter campaign and it's happening right now We're also raising money at the hamburger marries. I'm so sorry my braided. I'm going through I had a breakup I said oh yeah, it's okay. It's okay. I don't know. No, but very close to today. And I don't think that we in a maybe in America or maybe on the planet have a good model for like beautiful

love affairs that don't that end but they don't result in like marriage or kids or anything but it's still like a valuable, beautiful love affair. And you're like literally, and so many lessons and you love the person and all of that. And it just has to end, but you had just great. It ends, it just literally ends. You're just like living life. Oh no, I like how you're implying that I'm the one that did we I don't want to get

detailed. Oh, it wasn't both that Elvis and there and it's just like it's gone. It's just it's so ephemeral. You have like nothing to really prove for it except that your mom's really sad about it. And you are too. But your mom is so I feel God and now we're on a radio. And now I'm saying it out loud with my face, which is what I do. But I'm just wondering because I'm a little discombobulated, my brain is discombobulated. So, what would you want to talk about? No, no, no, I'm happy to talk about things that don't make me happy.

I just felt like I was ruining everything, and I need to say it out loud, why I thought I was ruining everything. Okay, I feel like now the radio show is going to learn that I- No, it's so real. I feel like I do everything all the time That's just in my negative thoughts. It is it's like your thing It's like and I my therapist said this thing the other day, and I was like I loved it And then we will talk about the thing she said Relationships I love this though. She said relationships are like this container and they put pressure

On the relationship pressure on you and then the pressure makes cracks and the cracks are where you need to grow. And you will either lean into the crack or a person will withdraw. Neither one is wrong. But it's just what they do. Like the more the more you agree, the more agreements you make, the more commitments you make, the more you go all in, even if so that's why I always think like you never really have to worry about like, oh, should I stay with them or not stay with them? Because if you just go forth in your bliss and try to make yourself like the most fully expressed version of yourself, it puts pressure on the relationship, which creates this instability and something will happen.

Something will happen. Either you get closer together. Yeah. Either, or you'll learn more about you or they'll, you know, it's not a, anyway. So that's literally what we're talking about for the break. We're talking about how do you get over. Yeah. Either, or you'll learn more about you or they'll learn, you know, it's not a, anyway. So. Well, that's literally what we're talking about for the break. We're talking about how do you get over, yes. How did you know?

We were talking about how do you get, that my best advice, a woman was emailing and she's called in, she's 23 years old. How do I learn to do a rejection? What if this guy doesn't like me? And I was like, that's where we learn. We learn our greatest lessons. You know, I'm in the middle of this right now.

Yeah. Whoever this is, I am literally in the middle of a very fresh, I mean, it's less than a week. Like last week, like it's, and I can say that like the worst thing you can do when you're having this pain, right, is that what, but we all do this. You project yourself into the future, right? You have all the thoughts about the future.

Featured. Where you project yourself into the past and right? You have all the thoughts about the future. Featured. Where you project yourself into the past and you create this version of yourself. For me, I relive relationship moments, but in it, I'm wearing like a weird kabuki mask with teeth and I've drooled and barf on my shirt and I'm holding like a ho-ho and a hamburger and I'm speaking another language.

I have a dinner. And you're alone, pal. No, no, no, and I'm with, meaning like, oh, I remember when we went to that party, maybe I did something wrong. And then when I go back and project myself in, I'm wearing like a caratop t-shirt, and I've got, like, I have a rostrofarian hat on,

and I'm talking in an accent, and I'm screaming. Like, I'm not myself. I'm not even, I'm not even like an authentic version of myself is my point. But what I mean is that if you don't project yourself, if you don't attach to the thoughts, right, and you go inside and you have a body sensation, you have what I think people traditionally call pain, right? But if you actually go into your body, pain usually happens in my experience, in your

torso, right, your throat to like, your groin. Pain is usually somewhere from your throat, and for me anyway, throat to my stomach. And if I go right now and I go, okay, and I think about this thing that's just happening, like, okay, I got broken up with, okay. And I feel rejected, okay, and I feel sad. And I feel what you feel like this,

I can feel my heart. It feels like a poke. For some reason on me, I feel a little poke, like a finger is poking my heart for some weird reason in the right to the right. And it's like a poke and it feels like a stretch. Now, if I just focus on that sensation, now call me crazy.

That sensation is not, it's neither bad nor good, it's a sensation. And like when you do a stretch in yoga or you're working out or good, it's a sensation. And like when you do a stretch in yoga or you're working out or you like, it reminds me of a stretch. It doesn't feel quote unquote bad. What feels bad is the thoughts, right, and the things. So the key is to feel that feeling. And usually for me, and this could be just me, but I don't think so. I don't think I'm the exception to the rules of the universe. Then what happens is I feel a little bit of energy,

and then you can do something with that energy. And then that's up to you to do whatever, to end up when you're a good girlfriend to yourself. Right, because that honey, well this is so, that's so beautifully said. Because what we were saying, no, I loved it, no, we all hears the other thing. I had therapy this morning.

We talked about some of the things. I'm not going through a break up, but I'm going through not attaching to the worst case scenario of things that can happen. Because as primates or the fight or flight response, we had to constantly be looking for environment to see if we are in danger, what's going wrong, what's going, and so that's why we do it.

That's why we have negative. We're not thinking like oh I'm gonna go on this date and everything's gonna be amazing when it fall love or when take this trip or whatever it is We think of the negative first. How is it gonna go wrong mostly with many people or whatever So you're whatever your thing is a lot of us future trip into a negative place because we used to think we have to protect ourselves so when you find yourself doing that you've to stop and be like Okay, so put in this moment and you breathe into your wherever, wherever it feels good to do, even if it's five breaths, there's literally nothing else. It's not the future, the past, there's the present moment, which is exactly what you're

saying. And the other thing why I want to say that so great about rejection is because of the other thing you're saying, like you could read our mind, even if you were listening to serious on the way here, is that the woman with rejection, I said, we gotta feel it. It's okay if you're sad about him for awhile, like just feel it. But please don't beat yourself up and say, it's cause you're a bad person,

and then you're gonna end up alone. And like, none of that's true, so feel it. But what I love what you just said, when you took it that to the next place, cause people might not know what that means, feeling your feelings. Separate, how do you, people think feeling their feelings is like,

I'm a horrible person and I'm bad, or I'll never be lovable, right? But they break up. I think that those are yeah, that's the voices Pacific. Yeah, yeah, and those voices we always attach towards them But I think that well help what helps me sometimes is that I when I do it I just started doing this actually just really recently I had a moment where I was thinking something and I was like oh my god And it was one of those breakups. I'm not even going to wait that but I was having something and I was like, oh my God. And it was one of those breakups. I'm not even going to go in that, but I was having this like, oh my God. And

then I had to stop and I said, Kirsten, you're scaring the shit out of yourself right now. And so it doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter if maybe you're maybe, you know, whatever, like you're scaring yourself right now. So just, just be aware of that noise, and there's something about like that noise, like you're intentionally terrorizing yourself. And it's like I have little sock puppets on my hands, and they have little bloody knives, and they're like, you're a harv, and it's never going to work.

Just so radionos, I have my hands. I'm like moving my hands, like little mouths. You're like, well, the first first, how did you do that? You have to kind of stop for a second and at least take off one sock puppet. At least take once or put a different sock puppet on that hand or just understand that it's you, it's coming from inside the building. And so you had this great experience with this person, but like all that stuff is all that negative stuff is at the end of the day coming from inside the building.

You're building, you are the building. You're the Jan Hall, you're the owner. It's inside the house. It's inside the house. You are the mayor of the person town, the population one. Right. Exactly. These are the things I have to tell myself all the time.

All the time, my thing is around my house. But it's so interesting how, but we think about it like, but when you say that like that voice in your head is you and so But we also, but what happens is we're so good at convincing ourselves That we're wrong or that we're bad such a group. Yeah, no There's such a benefit to it because you always stay safe It's the worst feeling I think for human beings to like get smashed you're like, I'm, and to think you're super amazing, or to think you're super horrible, it's like two extremes of the, and it's funny that we're talking about this because this is exactly one of the shows that I'm taking

to Edinburgh. Tell me about that. Tell me about that, but I was going to say this, but it's kind of saying like the extreme of being either I'm greater, I'm a fuck up, how about I'm good enough? How about just saying right now I'm okay in the middle? Yeah, how about like, how about, in like, also like, we're made of starry, and I'm greater, I'm a fuck up, how about I'm good enough? How about just saying, right now I'm okay in the middle? Yeah, how about like, how about in like also like, we're made of star dust.

Like everybody's made of. I feel like later. No, but everybody is. Everybody's made of, legitimately made of star dust. Every single thing that exists has either been made by nature or some human person thought of an idea and made it happen and like so you're enough and that's like really Like great like you're okay. You're here. You get to like you get to be in a meat puppet suit with consciousness like right that's so cool You get to have contrast because if you were just flying around and just pure positive energy

you You wouldn't be able to be like I'm gonna have a goal to you know right a play and then you can go do it Right. Well, do you think that part of it like because you're here You're doing a pretty amazing thing which is why I would donate you're like do you sex poison like do I have sex toys? I didn't even know it as for cuz I'm like anything that you are behind, I will support, of course. And then I come to find out this fabulous adventure. You wrote these plays.

You're taking them to, so tell us what's going on to Eatonburg. So, at Ember. Yeah, at Ember. Can't say that. What you're giving me the sex toys for is, you know, what the sex toys were for was that we were raising money for to take these plays to Edinburgh. And we have a Kickstarter right now, if you know what that is, like a crowdfunding kind of thing. We actually hit our goal yesterday.

However, the way the Kickstarter kind of works is that you want to have like a good goal, and then you want to go for like a stretch goal. So if we now I'm now like I want to get to a little higher than our goal because if we do what we're using the money for is we're paying for the actors to and the director we're flying them to Edinburgh and we're putting them up. They're going to perform every single day of the week except for like two days. And we're gonna do this show that is in, like it's such a neat show and it's nature. It's your show, I wrote it.

And I mean, it's such a neat show with everybody in it. It's a very empowering show and it's really exciting to share it to a larger audience. And I can do it. We're doing two different shows. We're calling it Fempire. We're calling it Kirsten Vangs as his Fempire. And so if you look it up on Kickstarter,

we'll see that. And we're gonna, if you guys go to sexwithenley.com right now and you click on the show notes, we have a link to the Kickstarter. And we're gonna, we'll be putting on Instagram and tweeting. That's awesome.

So if you go to that, it has information about both of them. But for MASS, which is my one-person show, which I actually am doing in Los Angeles on the 5th, 6th, and 7th of July at the theater of note. Okay. And you can get tickets at theaterofnote.com.

So that's my one-person show, and I've done that about 10 times in each time I do it, it's like a living document, it changes. And it's about time happening at the same time. And like, what if your 97 year old self is doing something to tell your 13 year old self something that your 50 year old self needs to know. And it's a little autobiographical. And it's entirely about the noises in our heads that tell us things and how to transcend that.

Or rather not. Or rather not. So maybe we open up with that. Or rather not. Right. And that's why I love about it. What it says, I even had, I was like, you talk about church camp,

monsters, kittens, and Christian, and Christian rock. Yeah, yeah. So that's sort of my childhood a little bit. And Christian rock. I love Christian, I love Miss Mamie Grant all day. That one I'm paying for all on myself with fancy TV money. And I'm paying for half of the on myself with fancy TV money and I'm paying for half of the The other show with fancy TV money

However, when you have when you're the actor at the theater company with all the money It can feel really strange to people when you're paying for the whole thing So I thought well, why don't we crowdfund and then we all feel like we're participating and The cool thing is is that you're part of the quote- unquote, vampire. And that means you gave a dollar to Kickstarter or five dollars or whatever. If you give money, what happens is, when we go to Enborrow, and actually next week, when the Kickstarter is even over,

you'll still be getting updates from us. You'll get video from rehearsals and from shows. So it'll be fun. It's a way to be involved. A way to be involved with that. Yeah, yeah And these are nine actors that have day jobs and that have are very good at this other thing that is their dream and They get to go out of the country and go perform something that is super special and we're raising this money to give them like a reasonable type and to be able to like afford food, right and

And make some really yummy art and so that's what we're doing. And we get to involve everybody. And there's a bunch of cool perks, like I'll sign a criminal mind script or send t-shirts. They're all different kinds of things. But even if you just have a dollar and you want to put yourself, like, be part of this thing, because it's a really neat idea. The play. So there's two plays.

There's Kirsten Vangs, it's called Kirsten Vangs' is Fempire, and we're doing them in rap while we're in Edinburgh, which means that in rap, in repertoire, I think so. So rap, like you're gonna rap. No, but both of them have music in them. So both of them do music in them. Some days I'll be doing mess,

and some days we'll be doing this other play I wrote, which is a play with other people in it, called Cleo Theo and Wooh. And that play is about a girl in the present day who's just trying to live her life. And she has some guys, she's got a crush on who she keeps watching on Instagram because he has a crush on this girl

who has the tiniest Labia Minority I've ever seen. Okay. And so she looks her up on Instagram, like hashtag, maybe a minor energy and sure enough, she does. I mean, it's like silly and those things, like attacks those things that we all forget about, like, oh God, you like someone and you don't like me

and what's going on and she's trying to deal with that. And meanwhile, there is a woman played by a man in the future because femininity has been destroyed. And so this woman from the future takes this woman from the present day back into time to meet Cleodora, the Cleopatra, who is played by two women because there were like a bunch of Cleopatra's. And so we have a Cleopatra played by a black woman

and a Cleopatra played by sort of like, what we think is Cleopatra, which is the Liz Taylor, which is totally wrong. Exactly. She goes back to me Cleopatra and Theodora of the Byzantine Empire, who was this prostitute who did live sex acts on stage and then we're like swans pecked seeds out of her vagina. And the head of the Byzantine Empire fell in love with her, made her the head of the Byzantine Empire. And she changed all the child labor laws and she did all this stuff

for women. But when she died, they still tried to make her into the sort of sex-feigned bloodthirsty and then she goes and meets Wuse-Ton who is the head of the Tang Dynasty and this whole journey, it's like this big time travel, sexy, weird romp where it's both talking about history and women's history and then also our tiny personal histories because these big women in history had these things happen and they still get sort of slammed and then all of us how, you know, if you walk down the street, I've had this happen, I don't know if single one hasn't had this happen, you're in your car and I remember being a kid like walking down the street and there's some

dude masturbating right here and you see it and you go, oh god, and then you go home and you're panicked and but you're so used to it. By the time we've all gotten to be 20, we have 45 situations where someone's like some grabbed us or did that. You can't call the cops. You don't do anything and then you sublimate this history of stuff that's happened. And you never get to get truly angry about it. You never get to, and if we do, we're called shrill. So it's all this stuff about female rage and sexuality and all that. I love that. Okay, so it's very in depth. Personal. Yeah, but it's all so, I love this about women. Can we get back to the sex part and they're getting seeds out of every vagina? Yeah, yeah, I just cuz about sex, but I want to talk about the

What you've you found or what you know, I thought people aren't aware of how women's sexual energy and power were sort of going the universe In a certain time. Yeah, I mean no longer are and so I think we're coming out of that now We have we have we have the power that I think the G feminine energy we are afraid of our own and our afraid we are afraid of our own rage. I am a terrified of my own rage. I could burn down a house without mad I get like we're afraid of our own rage. We're afraid of our own sexuality. We're afraid of our own power. Yes. And we're afraid that if we if we get out of the gilded cage of privilege and I think

especially and I'm sorry it's true. I'm probably going to people are going to be like, ooh, especially a white cisgendered like straight looking women, which I am one of, I'm queer, but I'm very passable, you know what I mean? That there is this fear of like, if I get out of the cage of privilege, where I am supporting the sort of patriarchy, whatever, if I get get at this cage, I'm going to lose privilege. And this idea of like, and what Cleo Thienwu talks about is you're only as powerful as the least powerful among you. You are only as privileged as the least privileged among us.

So if I have all the power and I'm so afraid of like, there is an infinite amount of abundance. There's an infinite amount of power. So this idea that lie. That's the mentality. Yeah, exactly. And if this idea that if I don't make sure that I've got my eye on that you get seen, like, how come, this is the whole play start?

It's like, how come there's all these stories about men in history? How come men are on all the money, on all the statues? Now, it could be the truth. It was like, oh, wow, woman. We don't really need it. We don't really care, right? We do other stuff. We're magic. We've got a like a, we've got a magic line to the statues. Now it could be the truth. Because we tell a woman. We don't really need it. We don't really care, right? We do other stuff. We're magic.

We've got a magic line to the heaven. We've got a uterus space that makes something out of nothing, like whether that be words or bread or babies or whatever. So maybe we don't need our face on. But that's where it kind of started from. Who would you want your face on though? What about my face? I don't know. I don't know.

We don't want statues. Do we not want that? No, my face is on a TV. Oh, true. Whenever I want to. She's like famous. You're like my favorite. We go out and we go, oh, they like Kirsten, they love.

Of course. You know what I'm saying? Like women, we don't want statues. We don't want this. So maybe we would have we had the way we wanted to. No, we want, I think we want potency. We want power, but not like power. I don't need to be. I don't need to celebrate. I don't need to be it. I don't need to celebrate it. I don't need to smit.

That's the reason why we always have to be very careful about feminine energy because masculine energy. And I love masculine energy. It's about action and movement. My masculine energy is like push, push, push. My feminine energy. If you're not careful, it can just get lost in all of that. So we lose it. We don't know. I'm dominating my masculine too a lot. And that's okay. I got to get that. That's fine, but the matriarchy, like I'm not about the smash the patriarchy.

I'm like, pull the matriarchal throne right up next to the matriarchal. Let's all talk about it. Let's have a real conference. No one's, we just, this is how it's been for years of patriarchy. And we've, and we've let it happen. We didn't know that there was another ways

and we're talking about history here. So, wait, so you are queer. How do you define, how do you define queer? What about what do you think about queer, pants, sexual, all the things? I don't really know, I just know the answer for me. Yeah, for you, what does it mean? But for me, I am a, I like, I'm like a bisexual,

For me, I am a, I like, I'm like a bisexual lesbian leaning cisgendered woman who's dated a few men in a row. I was talking to someone and they were like, well, and I was like, but I always have queer sex. And I was like, I don't really know except like like, I'm always in the room, and I'm queer. So like, when I'm having sex, there's always me. And the way in which that happens is different. And the things I think about is very primarily all the way over to just, I mean, if you Kinsey scaled me

just in my masturbation life, you'd be like, oh, she's a gold star. But in practice, I much more, much more fluid. So when you're having, yeah. But the person I'm with is usually the person I want to be with, so I'm super focused on that. Usually sometimes though, the person you're with can get worried that you're gonna be flat. That's a problem.

I don't really understand it. This is a subject that like I'm always very like, I push, I'm stretched to talk about because I think it's important to, I think for visibility purposes it's important. And I also think that it's important for people to hear that. Is it ambiguity?

Am I using it if I'm worried, right? Yeah, if everyone gets a desire for themselves to be something to be used to. But I think it's I'm not wearing it right? Yeah, everyone gets a decide for themselves. So what do you mean? But I think it's important that I have a lot of, when I talk about it, I have a lot of shame. When it's Pride Month, I'm always like, am I should I not, should I let you guys be over there and do it and should I just stay over here?

Like, because I don't always really know. You don't identify, you're like, right. I totally identify it as a I absolutely am Part of the LGBTQ plus the shame still That I'm not that you never feel I was doing it I was doing a podcast with a couple of my friends called the coming out podcast That's great and we are talking it's a bisexual woman and the me and a woman who identifies as lesbian. And the bisexual woman is saying, she feels badly because she has a girlfriend and her

husband. And it's like, have your cake and eat it too. She's like, I'm a bad bisexual because I have my cake and eat it too. The lesbian is saying, well, I'm a bad lesbian because I'm attracted to Blake Lively and that's not a traditional, you know. And I'm saying, well, I'm a bad bisexual because I'm not a practicing. I'm only like whoever I'm with I'm with so it's and I don't know if that's just a thing we do because we're constantly self-examining I hope well I hope I hope more people did self-examining themselves

Yeah, I don't think that people think about sexuality that much and I think that most of what happens I think that you're gonna this is gonna be very Awakening for many people listening because I think, and especially men do this as well, I know Kenji said women are more flexible on the sexuality spectrum from one to 10, but I think that men are too, but they're so afraid. And if you don't, even to admit it to yourself, this is when you're getting into internalized homophobia, which then expresses itself in not understanding another human being. So it's like really leaning into God.

I don't enjoy leaning into the shamey parts. I thought they're like, I don't understand it. To me, it sounds like I do. Well, it sounds real to me because it's like you are just like, it's almost like that reality show that's coming out today. We're reading on MTV. That's called something where it's- Oh, are you the one?

Are you the one? And everyone's pansexual. So it's men and women on an island. Right. But they all go for everyone. And you know, it's not even like you're pairing the men to the men and women and women. You just kind of see who pairs.

And it's for me that's like, in a way, it's like you get to decide in every moment. Or it's not it, because to you, you're not seeing penis vagina, this that you're seeing the soul in the person I guess and people say that and that is a way that you know I wanted a penis this time. I don't even know if it's that what it's I don't even know I just right. I don't even know okay

We don't have time. Yeah, no, we did we did good can I mean I'm just saying like I don't know people like I've heard people say Oh, you don't see a peon. No, I absolutely see a penis But you're not consciously going into doing it, you hear something though. Because you were the same thing. When we're alone, it's the negative, negative, but we're out in the world is maybe when we're comfortable. So you're just connected, that's a, I don't know where you're making your boy.

But you're out. And you meet someone, you're like, I'm attracted to this energy. Let's say that instead of just vagina. That's kind of what I meant to say. Well, and I think it's energy and human, and that's what I'm into right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So to me, that's what I'm into right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to me that's like That's the most honest truce form of sexuality Yeah, I've heard like you're just so real about it and nothing no shame no shame Well, I like I know that you're saying no shame the sex game, but I would argue that There is shame in the sex game. Oh, there is that's what I'm trying to do. That's why I have a job And then you're never one there is and that's why you have job and also then I think the trick is then using the shame for the sex game. Oh, there is, that's what I'm trying to do. That's why I have a job. And then you're just number one. And that's why you have a job. And also, then I think the trick is then using the shame for the sex game.

Like, if it's there too much, then just involve it. It just be like, come on in the water spine. Well, right, you always have to invite it with you. So, and you tell your partner, maybe I'm feeling shame. You tell them not to show. Or you do a weird, crazy thing with your sex life to express your shame, which is another way, right? Well, if it's, but,

but if it's, is it satisfying what you're doing now? I'm not talking, it's so, I'm general. I am talking about, I'm talking about it everywhere. Because I think that that's what, I mean, at the end of the day, that's part of the joy of BDSM, isn't it? Is, is shame?

Is getting a little into that, it can be, it can be, it can be that pleasure and pain. It's like holding onto your, like holding hands with your shame and being like, I'm just going to enjoy that I, you know what I mean? I think that that's part of it. That could be part of it. Yeah, it could be part of the, I can't believe

that I want to be dominated by someone because I'm just a strong woman, but I'm going to let this person do it. But it can also feel good to get, I think about Cuckolding as being something about men who want to watch their wives sleep with. Oh right, right, right. Other men, which is a really common. I don't mean shame like, oh, I feel so bad. I don't know what I mean about shame. Well, shame is huge with sex. I think a lot of us, we don't masturbate,

we don't talk to our partners about sex. We don't even talk about sex. Our parents didn't talk about sex. I just know we don't, because we're all people. I just think that shame isn't a reason to not do something. Right. There is, there is healthy shame. There is, you know, like, oh, that's not, you know, I mean, if we're just gonna be completely honest here, which here we are, I one time, I was in a really, I come from a tumultuous childhood, and I, a friend of mine had taken me to go see that movie Copycat, which is this movie with like,

Harry Connick Jr., it's about serial killers, really, and I was in a really weird place, and I got into this phase, this is terrible, which is this movie with like Harry Connick Jr., it's about serial killers, really. And I was in a really weird place, and I got into this phase, this is terrible. But we're in a sex podcast, so I'm just gonna tell everybody. I was masturbating, and when I would masturbate, I would think about the regular things, and then I was so out of it at the time,

and I was on a brain medication to help me, because I was really depressed. I don't take anything anymore. I'm like a different person now. So when you hear this, I'm sure it's like, wait, what? I was masturbating and I would masturbate and I would get to the point where I would, this guy would like kill me in my thing. And I would come and I had to like be like, you have to stop. That is healthy shame to be like be like, that's not okay and you're gonna go to therapy and you're gonna tell them that you have to stop doing that. That was a fantasy.

That was happening in my fantasy because what was happening in life was so painful. And then I was doing this thing as a pressure release and I was like, I was, oh, y'all, when this is happening. But it was really scary. And Anne, you feel, you're already like, oh, God, why am I doing this?

And you don't want to tell anybody. And so yeah, I had to, and I was seeing a therapist, my therapist from since I was like 17 was a sex therapist because I had sexual trauma. And which, by the way, when I say sexual trauma, I'm not even gonna give details because I think that there's such a huge spectrum of sexual trauma. And we have a tendency to rate our trauma and say, well, it wasn't as bad as this. And it was,

you know, any trauma is trauma is trauma. I want to be really clear about that. So I don't want anyone to go like, oh, maybe what happened to her is in this bad is, because I know I do that. I guess is what I'm saying. So I'm reaching out. No, we all do that. We're like, well, I could be poor in a stream or I could be, we all like discounted. But anyway, yeah, and I remember going and that was, that was not healthy. Like, there's healthy versions. But even then, the healthiest part was, I wouldn't even say that.

It was like, in that moment, but then you went and got help and you saw your therapist. So like, you did it for a bit because I was so scared that it was gonna take away my orgasm. I was like, I don't want anyone to take away my orgasm. This is the only way I can do it. I'm gonna keep it. It's not. It's so very younger and you don't know what people think. my orgasm. And this is the only way I can do it. I'm gonna keep it. It's not.

It's easier and younger and you don't know. People think this, but people can change all the time, what turns out? But then you get to be another age and you think, oh, you think those same other limiting beliefs that something else, I think I've spent most of my life being like something's gonna take away my orgasm. I think, oh yeah.

I mean, once I have it, this is my way. I'm like, don't you take it. These are my four ways. You know, and if the moon is in the, and if it isn't, then the day the week that ends in a while, like all that, exactly. But so far, so good, they've never been taken away. There's that I've been, but maybe part of it

is my magical thinking that it might be. No, that's the, I'm not saying it's right. I'm trying to exist. I am the kind of person that listens to your show. I'm not saying it's right. I'm trying to exist. I am the kind of person that listens to your show. I'm not saying it's correct. Oh my God. Okay, wait, Kirsten, we, uh, Kirsten, Vangress, Vangress. Vangress.

Shit. Vang says, we, I have to ask you the final questions we ask everybody. And I'm so sad to say goodbye to you, but you're just gonna come back because you're right on the call. Yeah, I can't believe I, I've never, I'm through an honor to be on there first of all.

And then that I get to, I might be on again. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I have a freaking blast. We didn't even go to break yet. We should go to break seven minutes ago. That's how much. Okay, guys, okay, we have, would you rather, just quick, right?

The answer's then quick, no, don't worry. Would you rather have sex in a public restroom or a car? Car. Okay, would you rather, would you rather, would you rather have sex in a public restroom or a car? Car. Okay. Would you rather have sex with your best friend's parent or your parents' best friend? Best friend's parent or your parents' best friend's parent. Okay.

Would you rather have sex with a loud and passionate partner or a chill one? Loud and passionate. Okay. Would you rather have to pay for sex or be paid to have sex? Payed to have sex? Yeah, of course, right. Okay. That would make so much money.

I know, right? You would. Would you rather have kinky sex or romantic sex? Oh, romantic kinky sex. Okay, exactly. All right, thank you so much for being here. Oh my gosh, thank you. Everyone can find you at Vangstis on Twitter and at Kirsten Vangstis, K-I-R-S-T-E-N-V-A-N-G-S,

and ESS on Instagram. Awesome. We're going to put that all of on our show notes and our Instagram, social media, all those things. Thank you so much for being here Kirsten. I love you. I adore you. Good luck with the Kickstarter. Thank you. We support you. All right, guys. We're going to take a quick break.

And when we come back, we're going to get into your email questions. I love answering your questions. It's why it exists on the planet. So if you want a question, start on the show, go to my website, sexwithelmie.com. Click the Ask Emily tab and fill up the short form. You can also email me feedback at sexwithelmie.com. But please, please, please include your name. You can change it. We don't care.

You're age, where you live live and how you listen to the show Thanks guys All right, Jamie you want to read them? Mm-hmm. This first one comes to us from Hannah 24 in Texas Emily, thank you so much for this podcast slash show. I have so many questions I feel like I'm only just figuring out my body. I've learned that I enjoy being submissive and my boyfriend dumb It's been great, but I think he also wants to reverse the roles. At work, I'm incredibly aggressive and forwarded. I'm in the military, but in bed, I really love him being aggressive.

How do I please him by being the Dom? What tips do you have? Whenever I try, I kind of run out of ideas. I've never done any roleplay, either. I feel like I need a game plan going into our night, and I'd really like to surprise him by being confident and aggressive in a new way. Thanks for the help in tips. Okay, hey Hannah, thanks for the question.

I'm so glad you found the show. And it's okay, we're all just figuring out our bodies. You know, it's never, you never done. So I love this question. And okay, and I get that too, you all day long. You're in the military, you are aggressive, you're doing stuff when you get home. It's like being submissive just feels great.

But I love that you're willing to learn. The first thing is to talk to about it, really, and just say, baby, I would love to please you in that way and figure out how to be the dominant lover for you from time to time. What does it look like to you? And, or maybe you guys could figure it out together, which is I think is a really fun way for couples to connect more sexually, is when you guys like, what if it's a project? You're like, you know, there's some great books on this. You can listen to my podcast together.

You can watch some porn that depicts dumb sub relationships. You know, they're not all created equal. Like sometimes people do want like bondage or they just want sadism or they just want to be disciplined, figure out what it looks like. So you're not just guessing. I mean, that would make anyone like, over-round. People wouldn't know if we're not typically dominant.

So just know it's okay to do a little work. And you might just find in that process something will click and you'll be like, I can get down with that. But the thing is, once you do that research and you start to do it, you will develop the confidence, which a lot of it being the dominant is having that confidence. And I'm going to say, if you're in the military, you probably know how to order people around and tell them what to do.

So really, it's a matter of kind of bringing your work into the bedroom, which I wouldn't typically suggest, but it sounds like you might be ready for this part. So a lot of this has to do with, you're the boss, like you're in charge of what happens. So you can make them cook you dinner. You could say, give me a massage and after that, you know, then I'll tell you what to do next. You could say, go down on me, you know, and don't stop till I tell you, like you are in the power role.

You can also get yourself off. You could masturbate. You could touch yourself and say, he's not a lot to touch you. You know, you could easily, like a very easy way to start with some dominant submission stuff is to like time up blindfold him and start to like, you know, you could spank him or you could, you know, play around with different like touch or, you know, using ice cubes and then a massage candle. And then role playing, you said you have a role played, this is right for role playing. I mean, you could think about being you're the officer and he gets pulled over, you know, you're the teacher, he's the student, you know, you could think of different ones that might turn you on. You could even dress the part. I mean, I find whenever I get wear something that makes me feel sexier and control in the

bedroom, you know, that's just fun. It's like that fun element that kind of takes you out of your normal routine. So maybe if you do go guys go shopping for a costume, you decide in the scenario. I mean, I think that, you know, probably in thinking about this Hannah, you thought you were on your own, you've just show up one day with a whip and in the black latex and all the things like a dominant,

but we don't know that yet. So I think that again, there's no rush in this, but figure out what you guys both like, figure out which part of these sound good to you, you know, if you want them to worship you, you know, you are the master. So, again, people confuse this like kinky and bdsm and roleplay, so really just got to find out. But I, you know, from him and through the research you guys do together, and I feel like you are going to actually learn to enjoy this, and a lot of women who are not naturally dominant in the bedroom,

which I think is the majority of women, because a lot of us just, that's how we've been trained, how we've been wired, men are typically more dominant. Once they get into it and they understand the mentality behind it, they realize that really when you're, you know, when you are dominant, you can still have, you know, you can still find pleasure in that role. So go on with an open mind and open heart and let me know how it goes. Thank you Hannah. Very, very well said. Thanks. Okay. Next one is from Dan, who's 23 in New York. Dear Emily, I've been with my girlfriend for over two years now. Things are great and we're getting an apartment together. The only thing that is lackluster is our sex life. In the beginning of our relationship, we had sex regularly and was good. Then, I started to have a big issue with PE, and now I can count on one hand how many times

we've had sex this year. My drive is still very normal, but she doesn't want to have sex. I express my concern with her and she told me it's because of my PE, and that her sex drive is lacking. How am I supposed to work on it without actually practicing? She's very stubborn, and it's not a priority for her, but it's important to me. It's to the point where I'm insecure and lack confidence. Where do I go from here?

How can I approach this situation without upsetting her? Thank you. All right, Dan. So what we're talking about is PE and that's premature ejaculation, which is typically defined as coming before you want to, and typically like in a minute or less,

which can really be a bummer for both of you and definitely for you Dan. But here's the thing, there are ways you could figure this out and I definitely would suggest doing it before you guys move in together. So I'm wondering if it's recent or if it's been going on for the whole two years because here's the good news about P.E.

For the majority of men, it's a mind thing. So what happens is, and this happens in our brains it happened to you once Maybe she shamed you maybe she was frustrated or maybe you were just mad at yourself and then the next time you would have sex You're like oh no, hope it doesn't happen open and then guess what it happens So how you have to do it though the good news is you said how can I do without practicing you actually can practice But it's good to have to be on your own. And this is through masturbation. So this is where you do edging, what we call edging, which is the stop start method. And essentially, you start to masturbate until the point you're about to ejaculate, like you're going about your

masturbation. And then you slow down, right? And then you speed up again and then you slow down. Now it's totally okay. if you come, you know, like that's fine, you're just learning. But the skill that you're learning here and the muscles that you're building is you're learning to how to get a jacklatory control. So you actually won't jacklate. So but this is a practice to continue to do.

Like it's not just once. It might take you a month every day and yes, you're allowed to orgasm after you've practiced it. So, I think after then, you're going to have the confidence to tap sex with her again and to play around with this. There's also something called the fleshlight STU, which is something that can also help you. It's essentially a masturbation sleeve that will help you with masturbation. You could also do your chyt kettle muscles. That's also another way I have an iPhone that I've called Kegel Camp that you can download. It reminds you to do them and essentially men do them.

The same way as women where you're like stopping and starting the flow of urine and you just practice those muscles because once you've control of those muscles as well, it'll be a lot easier. I also talk about promescent, which is, you just put a few sprays on your penis. You weighed about 20 minutes for sex. So that's when you got to please her, a little bit for play,

before you go inside of her. And that can help you last up to 64% longer. So you can definitely find more about promising to add sexthelmy.com slash enhance. The other thing is talk to her outside the bedroom because I'm assuming that a lot of these conversations have happened like when you try to have sex,

maybe she rejects you and says she's got a low sex drive and just let her know outside the bedroom when you guys are hanging out, it's not tense, not when you're in a fight, but when you're chilling and just say, you know, it's really important to me that I become like the best lover to you possible. And you wanna work on this together, you can let her know that you have this plan that you're going to work on and what you learned. And also, you

know, you say she says she's a low sex drive, that might be true, but it's also important for her to masturbate and to keep her pilot like lit. Just because she's not having sex with you, she should continue to like, you know, pleasure herself. And then also, let's just remember this, if you come too quickly, you can always go down in her, get a toy, make sure that she comes first. I mean, that's kind of the rule for most sex, right? Making sure she comes first. So it doesn't have to be all about the penetration. So all it's not lost here, Dan, just take some of these suggestions and they'll be back on track. Okay, so this next one is from Becky 30 in Iowa.

Don't get a lot from Iowa. Help! My husband loves blow jobs, but I'm not a fan of giving them, and the oral reciprocity isn't very equal. I did have a negative experience in my mid teens, and I'm wondering if that has stuck with me. We do practice a dom sub relationship in the bedroom, and I've been working on getting better,

but I still struggle. What can I do to get over this? All right, so I love that you know this Becky, it is so true that you have to know for everybody, not just Becky, it just takes one negative experience early on in our lives that is going to have an impact and can completely rewire the way we look at different sex acts like oral, like giving a blowjob.

So that sticks to you, but just because, you know, that's what has happened. You doesn't mean you have to stay in that place. Like, you can, like, there's a many women I've taught how to learn to enjoy giving blowjobs again. So first, you just have to talk to him on and let him know that you're definitely gonna work on, you know, enjoying blowjobs more and giving more blowjobs

and you'd like him to work on going down a new more. So you're both like he's gonna work on you, you're gonna work on him, right? Oral for all, I think that sounds good. But you don't wanna make it ultimate and like if you don't go down to me, I'm not gonna go down to you, you could even keep it separate,

bring him up at super times, but hey, I think we can all agree, it should be reciprocated every time. So get your head around this. Just even knowing that the reason why you don't like giving blow jobs is because of this past experience, you can also look at it this way. Your husband's penis is an extension of the man that you love, the man that you married, the man you're spending your life with.

And so if you love him, that it's still just a part of him that you want to give pleasure to and you know that it's still just a part of him that you want to give pleasure to and you know that it will make him happy. So I think that to ease into it slowly again maybe you just have to lick the tip and use your hands. You know, hand jobs are so underrated. You could get some really great loot. I also recommend you get some flavored loot because if there was something about the blowjob that wasn't a great experience, sometimes when it tastes something like, I don't know, Crembrule. There's also this new line called Muse. It's actually by System Joe.

These are freaking amazing. I could eat these for dessert. And I have. I've put them on ice cream. You get the salted caramel, the mint chocolate or the Crembrule. They taste amazing. So maybe that means to me when I'm like, mint chocolate, okay, like that would actually help enhance the pleasure. But also know that you can also make blowjob

as pleasurable for yourself. You can touch yourself, you can use a toy on yourself. You guys could try 69. But the best way is to start slow. Don't expect that you're gonna become a blowjob master, but just the fact that you're willing to learn again. And a lot of it is getting out of your own head and not trying to not think about the past experience, which is in the moment you're focusing on, you know, if this is my husband's

penis and I love it. And then you'll see once you get into it, even if you're using your hands and just licking the tip that he's going to be excited and aroused and that sort of has his energy flow where you get excited and you're excited and that's how really great sex connected sex works is we all get turned on, turn our partners partners on what we're in a healthy place So I think those are some ways for you to to get started. All right, let me know how it goes Becky All right, and this last one comes to us from Ricky who is 58 in Oregon dear Emily I love my wife and always spiritually emotionally physically with every part of my being

I also love going down on her Faggily and a no-ley lately. she's been telling me she wants me to take her anal virginity. This does not sound good to me. I've seen videos that show men hurting women with anal sex and I cannot stand the thought of causing my love any pain. I'm losing sleep over this, wanting to please her and fulfill her fantasy about anal, along with my anxiety over causing her discomfort, let alone pain. Help please. All right, Ricky, thank you for your email. So here's the thing about anal and the porn you're watching.

Ainal porn that is just not appealing and you have to realize that the porn that you're watching is made by men, for men, and women are not directing. Like this is what actually would feel good, you know, with anal. So just disregard all porn for being fiction and that might be a good place for you to start Ricky. Because what I can tell you is that for many men and women, anal sex actually feels really good when it's done

correctly. And most of us do not know how to do it and we do it incorrectly. To the point where maybe we even do it one time and it's so painful we never do it again. The most important thing is use loop. You wanna have the loop on the night stand, you wanna use a silicone loop, that's the best way it lasts longer so you wanna keep her replying as needed. Now it sounds like you're already teasing her

around the anus, she's comfortable with that. And then you could maybe just start with a finger and see how that goes, make sure your hands are clean and then maybe even a butt plug and then work your way up to using your penis. It helps if she's already roused and turned on, like maybe you go down on her. It helps if she already has an orgasm first. That can also be really relaxing and arousing for her. And then just to make sure that she has to breathe really deep and go slow, and then when you're also going in, you have to go slow and check in with her. And, um, you know, we've got a lot of other great blogs on our site about

first time, anal that you can check out. But I just really here wanted to like kind of debunk that, that myth that it's going to be really painful and awful, especially if she's willing. So, and it might be really good to you too. So I understand, Ricky, you know, your concerns, but I think that if you go in armed with the right anal knowledge That you might just like it. How about that? All right, Ricky. Thanks for email. Thank you everybody for emails Thank you to my guest Kirsten Vang'sness. She's amazing. We love that and let me know if you guys enjoyed the show Let me know you think of it. Thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamleeve.com.