Sex With Emily - Mindfully Mastering Multiple Os

Episode Date: March 14, 2019

On today’s show, Emily debates texting versus talking in a relationship – because it makes more of an impact than you think – and, she’s taking your calls. She talks about what to do when you want multiple orgasms (who doesn’t), but your partner thinks you’re just being greedy, how to master mindful sex now that you’re in a healthy relationship, and how to address finding your teen in bed with his best guy friend – without making him feel judged. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Native - Use code EMILY, Magic Wand, Pjur, SiriusXM Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about texting versus talking in a relationship. Because it makes more of an impact than you think. And I'm taking your calls. Topics include what to do when you want multiple orgasms. I mean, who doesn't. But your partner thinks you're just being greedy. Okay, now that you're in a healthy relationship, how do you master mindful sex? And you found your teenager in bed with his best guy friend. How do you address it without making him feel judged? All this and more, thanks for listening. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey girls, gotta have a stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to me. I'm not going to be a little bit stupid. You're listening to me. I'm not going to'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying, And also, we have a contest going on. So you guys, you guys know that it really helps when you subscribe to the show. So it really helps. I see your reviews.

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So call it and say hi. Ask your questions. All right, guys, enjoy the show. We've been talking here today a lot about texting and relationships and the impact it has on our lives. And I feel like I already, I struggle with text overall, meaning I literally sat there with my assistant Michelle Aztec. Like I got to catch up with text. They overwhelmed me sometimes. It's almost like people know that you got their texts and you don't respond to a whole thing. But then you bring in dating where people don't want to talk

on the phone anymore. I want to talk on the phone. But a lot of things as you know, they start out with someone sending you a text and then you text back. And then this is even getting into the data gaps. This is just like someone you meet. So you're flirty texting, texting, texting.

And then my whole thing is that like, if you start texting, you're texting so much because you guys know I've started dating someone a while ago and we you're texting so much, because you guys know, I've been sort of dating someone a while ago and we were like texting for like, all of a sudden four hours would buy. It was a while ago. And I was like, we could have met. We could have not met.

We could have just saved this time and done something else. And then you text and you're doing all these things and it's taking up a lot of time. But that's by problem, that if you have just met, so if you meet someone online, for example, I think you should meet them right away and not text but last night I'm following up a text and there's a guy that I think is cool who's been hitting me up for a while to hang out Maybe date you've had a flirty thing hmm

So I text him and then he texted me back and then we're texting for a little bit and then he sent me this really awkward weird thing that he had Written and I was like, Oh, and Michelle, my sister called it a boner kill, which kind of was like, Oh, it's funny. We're texting and then it was like this weird. And I, I don't didn't know how to interpret it. And so I thought about like, what do you do with tech? Like, there's so many misinterpretations that I would rather we just talked on the phone at this point. I was happy we were texting all the time. And I feel like, and then I was like reminiscing back to the day where we didn't have texts

and you had to talk to someone. You'd meet him in person or you would talk on the phone. Like you meet him and they call you, you'd sit up and date and then you'd already know, like sometimes you'd meet someone, you'd have a vibe and then there'd be a phone call and then you could decide then yeah, I'm not sure. Maybe I felt something when you go out with them

and then you meet him in person. But right now, we're getting addicted to this texting and we think that says something about somebody that they're actually telling us some information that's useful, meaning how we're going to like them. But so much of communication is nonverbal. We don't know their body language. We don't know how they, you know, if they're, if we've been attracted to them in person and their energy, the way they move, all the things. And so all the time we're wasting by these things that are not interpreting, that are not helping us make good decisions. And I want to get on the phone already and

just talk to everybody. There's this thing about sometimes when you're texting someone, even if it's not a partner, and you're just like, if I just call you real quick, this would be done so much faster instead of someone just being like on their phone and being like, oh, I'll text back when I want to, and I'm, I would prefer to know the information now.

So don't do that. And then it just keeps that person more accountable. And I don't know about this, but for you Emily, when you had dates back in the day, and you would set like a day in time. Yeah. Do you think people were more accountable to keeping that? Yeah, people didn't flake.

I didn't even think flakey. I mean, that's such a, when I moved to LA, I was so flakey in LA, like I don't remember, like you would keep your commitment unless something happened. I was talking to my niece, some guy asked her out in the way of from class, that she met him, and then he texted her and asked her out.

This is how this all came up. She's 20. Then he texted her and he's like, hey, did you finish the homework? And I was like, what are you gonna say? We were on FaceTime. And then she was like, I don't know. And then it's like, okay, then we hung up.

And then we started talking about, okay, we'll cut back to me in college 20 years ago. I met a guy after class. I remember this, Jeff, he was cute, I played the drums, and I'd seen him at the bar playing his instrument, playing the music band, and he'd walk me out and he'd say, how about Thursday night? And then we made the plan, and then he showed up Thursday night at seven, and maybe he would call me on the phone that you shared with your roommates. The whole thing, but it wasn't, it was more of a call, so you know, but the thing about texting, it got me down

this whole other path where I was thinking about the dopamine rush that you, I think I just solved why people aren't having, they say millennials aren't having sex, but why everyone is having less sex? Texting has the same effect as an orgasm. What? So when you text someone, you get a dopamine rush. That's why we're all addicted to our phones. It's not because we're learning so much and we're taking French or something and like learning new language. We actually want to take Spanish and actually use my phone for good. But most of us are like staring at the phone.

It's because we are addicted. And so our brain chemistry, something that we're spending so much time on, which is texting and rewards, getting likes on Facebook or Instagram. We put so much energy into it. It's gonna alter your brain chemistry, like anything like porn or video games or our phones, it's going to make us hooked on it.

And so that affects the dopamine or brains. So we become biochemically addicted to getting the text, right? So that's the dopamine causes to keep seeking more and more texting. But when you're having sex, it's the same thing that's released when you have an orgasm. When you have an orgasm, you get dopamine released and then you're satisfied. How many texts do you think would equal the same amount of dopamine? That's a great question.

I'm telling you, if I think that people aren't having a lot of sex, people, I think it's the phone, sort of throwing that it was a throwaway comment, but I actually think it is because of the phones. I think if you're on Snapchat, Instagram, all the time and you're constantly being stimulated by your phone, whatever rewards you're getting, you're not gonna masturbate if you're a woman maybe because you're not watching porn. I don't know why younger girls aren't masturbating. There's a lot of reasons, but you're not gonna be seeing sex either. That's just something. So get off, get off the phones. I just don't want, and here's the thing, we just have for an hour just me catching up on text

from the last week and a half. No, how is the last day? It was the last day, because I have a new thing I'm trying to get to texting to zero by the end of the night. They used to call it inbox to zero. Was it thing like 10 years ago? Oh, okay.

Every day you should return every email, which I never, I don't do that. I never got quite to zero, but with texting, it's like you have to, so it was leading up to a thing. And then I was like, which I never, I like, I don't do that. I never got quite to zero, but with texting, it's like, you have to, so it was leading up to a thing. And then I was like, oh my god, I don't even know that this is healthy. I'd rather bring back the phone. And especially in relationships, then it got me thinking about the guy we were talking to in New York, who's like, oh, yeah, I've got a boyfriend. It's a whole thing. And then he was like, oh, but we never, we actually have never met. It's been four months of talking and texting. If you don't meet someone in person,

so technology is keeping us from, we are all seeking intimacy and connection and we're falsely getting it fulfilled by our phones. I guess this is more of a personal, like person-to-person thing, but do you truly believe that you can create this connection with someone purely without having met them at all? Like, no, because you're only getting half of the story.

You're hearing their voice, but you're not seeing them touching them, smelling them, the whole energy. I don't think you can really fall in love with someone because of their voice or the story. Yes, there are times where people just met and there was great chemistry. But it's only telling you a very small part of the story

because most of our communication is nonverbal. That just reminds me to, in a way, of cat fishing. Yes. And how they're like, well, I didn't think you would accept me for my looks, but everything I told you was the truth and the real me. And I'm like, I'm sure that that is true,

but it's also the real you and the truth that you want them to see, you get to decide when it's just through a computer screen. So that's just, so are they really being their true selves? No, I think that we're thinking and we're like, where we get to respond to texts, we get to stop and we get to think about it, then we get to be funny and we get to look up words,

make sure we spell them right or be funny or whatever we do. We overthink it whereas if it was in real life on the phone, that's when you're getting your more authentic stuff. I mean, I if it was in real life on the phone, that's when you're getting your more authentic self. I mean, I think texting wasn't created, so it'd be like, hey dude, running time is late, but now it's how we're having whole relationships with our partners, if you're in a relationship.

Jamie, you said earlier you were the couple who decided not to text. Yeah, they decided. And I love that idea. It's so great, because they basically were like, everything that we talk about can be on the phone or in person and will only text if we're running late or there's like a change I just a quick change that they can't talk on the phone that moment Which it kind of makes sense because if you start out texting all the time

Eventually you're gonna get to a point where that's just not feasible. And then where do you go? Right, exactly. Then you have to like meet and have conversations. If it's only, so I think my messages, right now, if you're, there's like a few messages here. If you are one of the, because I think these people, there's more people out there than we realize. If you're right now into someone that you have not met

in person, here's my three messages, I think. Okay. But you've not met in person and you met them three messages, I think. But you've not met in person, and you met them on a dating app, or maybe you met them once, and you've been texting for, I don't know, over two weeks, two years, people do this for like three years, whereas I'd say if it's over two weeks,

and you don't have a plan to meet this person yet, then make that plan or end this relationship, because it's a waste, you'll never get that time back. Because do you think that someone that's doing all of that is going to actually invest their time elsewhere? Exactly. They're not making an effort to actually meet. You're not valuing in-person connections and communication anymore. So I think end that. If you are hanging out with something or someone and I think for many people go down for months and months. So just decide if you want to meet them or not,

or if you still want to just have a texting friend, they're not your partner if you have never met them. What was that thing you said earlier about how you never, like, is a now grammar such a thing with people? It's like a pet peeve. You could be dating someone who's like a terrible speller back in the day, but you would never know because they never wrote you anything.

Like, because now we're all like, what's your biggest deal breaker? We're like bad speller. You didn't know that and give it you'd hear them and you then you wouldn't care if they wrote you a love known it was misspelled. So we're discarding people for like, I've back at, oh, he was bad texture.

And then there was a guy that I dated because he was a great texture. I've learned all these lessons, so you don't have to. And it was a thing and I realized after a while dating and it was long distance but it was LA San Francisco, that I was like, oh, he's just really funny on text but in person, like no, I'm kind of bored. I make decisions.

Yeah, so make a decision about that. The other thing is that I think that if you are, that try this in your relationship, if you, I love the idea of sending a sexy text throughout the day to your partner, like saying something that's meaningful to them, but not just relying on text to communicate everything in your relationship.

Maybe one phone call would solve. If you're parenting or living together, like a phone call, I'm telling you, when you FaceTime with someone, even you hear their voice more so than texting, it's going to enhance that connection. And my third point, it's my third point. Just like, let's fucking talk to each other.

Let's talk to each other more and get off our phones. Now my third point was too, is that like, I used to go out and we would, that when you're in public, if you are, I don't care if you're single or not, because we were talking about how you would, I would always meet people in line waiting for places or in the bathroom, like waiting lines.

Okay, Saturday night you're at a bar. There's a bunch of girls lined up and you'd meet, make all these friends and you talk to people anywhere you were unless you had a book with you. And then you'd meet, and now you're just on your phone. So if you are single, if you're lonely, there's a loneliness epidemic,

truly consider this tonight. Whatever you're doing right now, get your car, you're going to get dinner, you're going to put your phone away. Try it for an hour. Do that. That's my third lesson. Just try to limit it and then see what kind of connection you have.

It could just be connecting with someone you never see again, but when you make eye contact and you talk to someone and you have a connection, that also spikes our dopamine and our oxytocin, which is a lot healthier. Yeah, that happened to me when I was at the airport when we were leaving New York. And I sat down at the bar at the airport and I made a conscious effort. I'm not going to look at my phone.

I'm just, even if I'm just staring forward, whatever. And then you do notice the people around you. And I actually met some really cool people. I'll probably never, ever see them again. But they were great conversations. And we all, it was funny to do it. I was like, yeah, it's the clean up. It was just really fun and nice.

And you felt great leaving and you've talked about it because you had a real connection. It doesn't even, yeah, it's not even means that you'd see them again. But I, and we noticed this on the show when I come in here after having like a great launch with a bunch of friends or I'm on somewhere else's show. I'm energized by the connections I have with humans in the world even though I'm sitting here behind a wall talking all of you. It's still feels good and I'm here with all my people. Alright guys, we are going to take a quick break and we come back onto your calls.

We have Lana who's 43 in New York and has a question about multiple orgasms. Oh, hey Lana, thanks for calling. Hi. Hi. So I have a question. Yeah, talk to me about multiple orgasms. I love it. I've had kind of a ramped up desire the last couple of years and I have found that I would

really like to have more than one orgasm during sex with my husband but I think I'm being like greedy, which is kind of getting a little bit of shame around my ego. Yeah, yeah. I totally get that. Wow, that doesn't feel great to feel that he's feeling like you're being greedy. We're going to go on another orgasm because the thing is, Lana, is it totally possible for many women to have multiple orgasms. We just, no one tells us how to work our vaginas, our vulvas, our whole sex organs, but yes, it's totally possible for many women to have multiple orgasms. We just know one tells us how to work our vaginas, our vulvas, our whole sex organs, but yes, it's totally possible. So do you usually have one like with

your husband during intercourse or before? So I'm really lucky that I usually always have an orgasm while we're having facts. Great. It's just that I want to have another one. So sometimes, let's say you go stand on me and I have an orgasm and it's great and then he wants to keep going and then, but he wants to have an orgasm and he doesn't want to wait or give me time to kind of get there again. Yeah.

And so then I find that even though it's been great, so afterwards I'm still kind of wanting. Yeah. That makes sense, Lannick, because you're tapping into what is so amazing that like you have all this sexual energy inside of you and all that it's still building, right? Because that's the women, so what happens with multiple orgasms is that our refractory period is a lot shorter than men.

Like men can have multiple orgasms, but it's like a whole thing, right? It's like tantric sex, it's breathing it. But for women, our bodies are actually made for that. Like we can have them if we learn how to like circulate the energy of one orgasm and then we breathe into it and then we And then we can kind of breathe and touch ourselves in other places and then go back and have it So yes, this is totally possible for you. It's great that you're feeling that I don't love that your husband isn't down with it

But I feel like having a talk with him about how you guys could actually make it happen may make him You know get on board with it. Like, are you asked me specifically how to do it as well as talking to him about it? Because he might just get... Well, I think it's like, I, tell me. I think it's my increased desire these last two years, like somehow being in my 40s.

I just, I don't know, I'm an aunt of, I'm ready. Right. I could have sex three times a day like you know he's okay with like twice a week right understandable but what what do you attribute ramp up to the last few years um yeah I love it no because something on their four days you like oh no it doesn't feel great no I love it that you are feeling it so here's the thing on I think it. No, because some people in their 40s are like, I don't know, and says, I'm feel great. No, I love it that you are feeling it. So here's the thing, Lon, I think it's this is the kind of conversation

that you have with them like when you guys are out to dinner or, you know, not in the bedroom when you feel like he's like, says that you're being because you might experience his reaction as you being greedy or maybe he even said those words. But if you had a conversation with him like, I get so turned on by our sacks and lately I've just been craving you so much, you know, so much and I would love to work on experiencing like multiple orgasms and then like letting him know what that might look like and how that makes you feel like even more pleasure and that It's really not taking away from him because I think he might just hear more work in his head right now like oh god

What do I have to do? But if you're like, no, like, because it sounds like after he goes down and you maybe that's when it could happen more. Like, yeah, because usually I think he almost feels like I'm not satisfied. So it's not so at it, you know, I explain that you have this amazing capacity as a woman that we can have all these orgasms and you'd love to experience that with him and that you'd orgasms and you'd love to experience that with him and that you'd also, you know,

loved to experience some other pleasure points for him if there's things that turns him on as well, things that he'd like to try because, you know, I don't know why, I mean, I have a good feeling that if he sees that you're actually gonna be having more orgasms that he's gonna be into, but maybe right now he feels like it's more work for him. When really, it just doesn't matter if you're explaining, like, I want to do this with you.

Like I want when you go down to me, maybe you could explain to him that, you know, you could bring in a toy or he could bring in his fingers or do it again with his mouth, or that when you have sex, just because you have one orgasm doesn't mean that you don't want to try for another one. And it's so hard to explain this to a partner when you're, they've already said something like you're being greedy But I think let him know that like you just capacity for pleasure and you want to have more orgasms That's part of being a woman. It's really common

That hopefully he'll be down with your pleasure as his wife Yeah, I feel like sometimes there's like this this like negative thing about women sort of having amphabia there's like this negative thing about women sort of having amped up. Yeah, that's what we talked about earlier. Yeah, no, there is. There's total of stereotypes that men have to amped up like libidos and women are felt want sex and we have a headache tonight. And so women always feel like something's weird wrong with them or that gets so strange but I'm telling you, Lana, I've heard from more women than men over the last years I've

been doing this 14 years who actually want more sex in their partners I feel like that's been more of a problem more of a challenge and they're always surprised by it So it's kind of it sounds like it's not even just about the orgasm It's about wanting to have more sex as well more engagement more interest from him and not keep doing the same kind of things that you've been doing And so maybe it's a bigger thing about like, what does he want to try? Like what would be turned on for him? Could you guys do some other things together, role playing, using toys, you know, and the orgasms would be easier in that way as well, like definitely if you use toys.

So I think it's more about the state of having a conversation and then letting them know why it's important to you. And kind of like, I don't love the idea of sex being so linear, like you get yours and then he gets his and then you roll over and go to sleep because prolonging sex and making it hot for both of you is just such a beautiful practice. So he probably just hasn't experienced it. So I think in a loving way talking to him and then showing him what you mean, might come on board. But if not, you can call me. Because I will be here.

All right. All right. Thanks for calling. Let's talk to Gail, 63 in California, who wants you to speak about mindfulness during sex. Hey Gail, thanks for calling. Let's talk about it. Hi, Emily. Hi. So, I got married last November after four years with my husband and I had been widowed at 58 and I had been married 26 years and we almost never had sex and I was still fine with

it. So when I got with mine, when I met my future husband, who's now my husband, we have the best sex wife. It's so much fun. So I love this. Yeah. I love this too. But the problem, well, so I know that 80% of women don't have orgasm and spinal cord.

And I'm fine with that. And I really, there's only like really one way to have an orgasm. But even so, I have so much distraction in my head. I'm going to be in the middle of it, and I'll be thinking about him and what we're doing or whatever fantasy I'm having or whatever. And all of a sudden, you know, oh, I forgot to put the toilet paper away.

Oh, I wonder what I look like right now. Oh, you know, like just so my son. I've heard you talk about mindfulness. I love that word and I would love to learn. Yeah, Gail, it's such a good question. No, you're so right because, well, first of all, the reason I talk about mindful sex is because we are all so distracted,

especially now with our phones and the to-do lists and we're distracted, something's happening in the bedroom, like what I put in, put the laundry away. So, I mean, really it's a practice. And it's kind of like if you know anything about meditation and it's really about learning to control our mind and not letting our mind control us. And so how I most, how I practice mindful sex is, is the first thing is recognizing that your thoughts are wandering. And what helps me when that happens is I've just gotten, you know, I practiced

during masturbation as well. But like, let's say you're with him, your husband, and you start to think about, oh God, like what does my body look like? Once you realize that thought isn't, is you, right? And then you think, okay, my biggest trick for that is to go the second you're thinking, you go right back to your senses and what's happening in the moment.

What I do is I take a deep breath, like I'll just be like, and then I listen to my breath, and then I do touch. Like what am I feeling right now? Okay, his penis is inside of me. What does that feel like? Or my hands are on his back, and I feel his hands are into my fingertips.

What am I hearing, tasting, smelling, because when you engage, so sometimes I'll like light of a candle, like I have a sex candle, or just in my mind, it's like sex is happening so I can smell the vanilla candle. I can hear the music playing. I touch the skin,

and then when you engage yourself in your senses, you're immediately brought into the moment. It's a present moment like it snaps you back in because you're not good. And you might have to do this girl like 60 times in a session before it happens. But eventually, you're going to learn just to get back in the moment because you know how it is, right? It's not easy to control your mind. But to me, does that make sense? Does that resonate? Yeah, it makes perfect sense. No, it totally resonates.

I guess I just have not done it consciously enough or like I'll say to myself, stop thinking about that. You think about what are you feeling? What are you just, you know, what's happening right now? But I don't get very specific with it, which I like those ideas. Yeah, be specific. I think having a empathy could be good. I like that idea of having a sense that is associated only with when we're having that.

Have your favorite candle. That's what I do. I have my candle, and then I do a deep breath. Like I'm like, like a, because breath, the other thing is like a lot of us have a lot of anxiety during sex, but it's, we hold our breath. So I'll just be like a, and then it's almost like my breath erases my thought too. And then I'm like smelling the candle I'm breathing. I'm and then I go back in and then I've just found that after all this time it really just help.

I'm like the thoughts come and it's gone right away. I mean, it might come back again, but that's what you know, and then go back into what you're feeling in your body at the moment. And you don't get mad at yourself. So it sounds like what you're doing is you're recognizing, but you beat yourself up like so many of us do. Like, God damn it. Why am I thinking about the laundry so without attaching to the thought replace the thought with a breath spelling the candle and then you go back to the moment. Okay.

I'm going to keep working on that Emily. Thank you so much for someone to found you. I'm so glad you found me too and I love your story Gail. Really I love that you found love and sex again. It's great. It's inspired. Thanks. I love your show. Like and sex again. It's great. It's inspiring. I love your show. Like this not over in your 60s, just get a starter from me.

Exactly, Gail. I know that's true. Thank you so much for calling and reminding all of us. I appreciate it. All right. So how we doing? We got some calls, James. We do.

OK, let's talk to Will, 35 in Canada. He says he caught his son in bed with another man and wants to know how to handle it. Hey, Will. Hello. Hello. He says he caught his son in bed with another man and wants to know how to handle it. Hey Will Hello, hello Okay, tell me everything. I'm great. Well, thanks for calling. So tell me what's going on What happened? Anyways, I walked in I walked in my son's He's a 15 okay, I walked in when the house there and he was having sex with his best friend which is a male.

Okay, and now I walked in on him. I didn't I didn't say anything or making any any comments or anything, but I this like to know how to address it. Was that getting a shame in them? I guess or whatever making people bad or making them think it's wrong or whatever. That's such a good question. Well, okay. So so first of all, did you have, have you guys ever talked about it?

As he said, he's gay or he prefers men or was it like a shock to you? It was a shock to me. I wasn't quite a shock to me because here's the other problem. I'm a, I'm bisexual myself. Okay. All right. So, and I don't know if I should up and tell them I'm in the same thing and it's okay or I dress it in a different angle.

That's okay. So I think the first thing is just letting him know that you love him and you support him. And what he's doing and you're not shaming him, I mean, I think the thing is making sure that he's having protected sex and making sure that he's with somebody, it was his best friend, you said. So I think also, I mean, for a lot of parents, I was like, maybe it was that he was doing it in your home.

Like there's also things that are like, was he supposed to be at school? I mean, as long as everything was kosher, I think it's like you can say to him, I support you. And then you could also talk to him about here's the thing I believe That it you could be honest with your son and let him know Um, what you're into so you're saying who how about his mom like were you married and now you're because he know anything about your sexual history No, he doesn't actually know and uh and uh and uh

history. No, it doesn't actually know and and I and the reason I'm seeing it because I are from from from from time was 14 to about 22. I had a boyfriend. Okay. And then I we kind of parted ways and then I got married and my kids made with women and not stuff. But anyways, but I'm still very much much much I'm still very much bisexual obviously and I still enjoy it on occasion. Okay. Well, I think it's more about right now. Well, here's a thing. If you think that it's germane to the conversation, I think that absolutely you can share that with him.

But I would ask him about his sexuality, and if it's something that, you know, how he feels towards men, if this has been something that's been confusing to him, does he have any questions for you? Let him know you understand, you know how he feels towards men if this has been something that's been confusing to him does he have any questions for you? Let him know you understand you know how how he's feeling about attraction and about I think I would just ask questions and let him talk and let him know that you that you are there and that you're supportive of him. Um yeah because back when I was my boyfriend I was a long time ago it was kind of had my boyfriend like that was a long time ago. It was kinda, I'm not susceptible to how to be that way,

but now it's pretty much. It really is. I mean, here's a thing. It's pretty much here. Yeah, it is accepted now. No, I'm sorry to call you off. I just have a lot. I do think you're right.

I think it's a different time than when you were 50, you know, 20 years ago when it happened to you. So, I feel like it could be really helpful if this is what you've gone through to share it with them. But first I would make it more about him and asking him questions and because he probably, he might feel some shame right now. What I love so much is that you, because I'm sitting here bracing myself when we see your call, I don't know, are you, you know, are you upset that your son's with a man, but you sound so loving and like such a really caring parent that I think bringing it up casually

and not ever like this is the thing about talking to our kids or anybody about sex is you want to bring it up in a way that's you know your tone is really upbeat sitting down in a place where you guys are not distracted and you're talking in just a very loving supportive hope that you're here for him and like listen to more what he says was it consensual was it something he's been thinking about has it been going on for a few years? I would just try to find out some more information and then you're gonna know, because I don't think it's right to keep secrets

from our kids about sex when they want to know, right? So if you just lead with that when he was 10 and you have no, I really don't. I think that that to be open about your experiences, wouldn't you have loved to have someone to talk to when you were 15 about be feeling bisexual or being with men. So I think, and keep it up loving,

and remember also, well, it's not a one-time conversation. We often think, had the conversation with our kids about sex, check, market off the list, but it's not like that. It's an aunt just like where they're going to go to college, or they're diet, or exercise talking about sex the third child is an ongoing conversation.

And I think he's going to have such relief the sooner than later that you sit down with them and say, you know, let's talk about what was going on. I totally support you. I love you. And I'm here for you. And just I would just keep asking questions and make sure he talks because you have to remember, remember this will a lot of kids are uncomfortable hearing their kids talk about hearing their parents talk about sex. So Yeah, but I think it's okay to share with them. That's your experiences, well for sure. I don't know.

Yeah, like I don't care. I love many ways. If you want to speak A, B, G, you can be what you want. That's kind of the thing. That's kind of where I want to get across. I think that you will do that just by telling them all of those things. You can tell them that like, I don't know what you're thinking, but I think that that's really how they not to over share too much obviously.

But if you ask questions about safe sex or sexual positions, listen, here's what I think you as. If you're kids having sex, don't pretend that they're not super under the rug, whether they're with men or women, but you know, meet and wear their hat. He's having sex for his pleasure. So if there's information, you can learn things that you've learned. I don't think that it's too much to kind of answer his questions and provide information where we don't just want him going online looking at porn or just figuring out his own.

So I think if you're, you know, his dad and you've got good information, you can share it. Yeah, well, great question. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Let me know how it goes. Well, I'd hope you enjoyed this show. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

Email me feedback at sexwithamlee.com.