Sex With Emily - Mindfully & Mentally Sexy: A Mash-Up

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is giving you a mash-up of interviews to give you some ways to de-stress, have more sex, and feel a little better mentally and physically. She wants all of you to have the tools to keep your mind strong so your body can stay strong.Among the discussions, why meditation can help you be a better partner and lover – in and out of the bedroom, how setting intentions for your sex life can help immensely when it comes to actually improving it, and ways being mindful and connecting to your senses can pull you out of your head and into your body to enjoy pleasure to the fullest.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and today's show I'm giving you a mash-up of interviews to give you some ways to de-stress, have more sex, and just feel a little better mentally and physically, because I really want you all to have the tools to keep your mind strong so your body can stay strong. We all need this right now. Topics include why meditation can help you be a better partner and lover in and out of the bedroom. How setting intentions for your sex life can help immensely when it comes to actually improving it. The ways being mindful and connecting to your senses can pull you out of your head and into your body to enjoy pleasure to the fullest and how cultivating energy can help you be a happier and healthier lover.

All this and more? Thanks for listening. Come and eat here, you just got his heart broken, you think she kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and we are sex with Emily across the board on all social media. And during this time, you guys, a lot of us are,

I think most of us are home. We are quarantined, we're staying safe for COVID-19. And I want you to know that we will continue to bring you myself and my team, three podcasts a week week in addition to doing a lot of live Instagram lives and Facebook lives and YouTube and all the places to be here for you and answer the questions You need about communication commitment connection now more than ever. Okay guys We got you you can also send your questions to feedback at sex with Emily dot com all right intentions for the show each show I'm gonna set intention and I ask you to do the same and what do youcom. All right, intentions for the show. Each show, I'm gonna set intention

and I ask you to do the same. And what do you mean is like right now when you're listening, what do you wanna get out of listening to this episode? It could be, wow, with everything's going on right now, it has been really stressed out and I just wanna know ways to relieve it and that could be it. My intention is to give you easy tools

that you can actually do at home to keep your mind healthy as well as your body because, hey, the less stress we have, the more time we have for pleasure and everything else. All right, enjoy the show. I'm really excited for my guest today. She's awesome, she's become a really good friend. She's one of these, like, love it for sight friendships

when we met and she's had a really interesting career and she's also doing something that is very, very close to my heart and I think you guys are going to learn a lot today about meditation, a practice that you guys know I talk about but tell we're gonna get into this and how it can really help you with your life overall and definitely your sex life and your relationships. So, title is a former entertainment industry executive, very high-powered woman, running a lot of stuff at a very young age, and she's super driven and smart and hilarious. Oh, well, you're very sweet and kind.

I used to work at NBC, I ran comedy there, I was at Sony for a while, I was at the WB if anyone remembers that, it's like a relic now. I remember the WB of course. And you were so stressful, type A, working really hard, doing things that were probably way beyond

what people were doing at your age at that time. And even then, you're just a smart. I was really lucky. I got my first executive job very early. And I was lucky and I always worked with great people, which I think helped me because it's true. Those are high stressful jobs, and they're just high volume more than anything.

I think it's changed a little bit now, just because there's so many outlets, but the volume was insane. So you were just waking up and reading scripts and working and you'd go to bed doing. I mean, it was just 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So how did you learn to love yourself more through meditation? How can't help others learn to love themselves from me? I mean, interesting for people who are new to it.

For me, it was more not so much learning to love myself. It was more, I think, forgiveness for certain things and acceptance. I was also going through a really tough time when I started meditating. I was going through a divorce. The job was hard. So I think for me, it was grappling with a lot of that stuff. And I think it was really helpful in, I was beating myself up a lot. And I think it was very helpful in getting me through that and learning exactly why I made

certain decisions when I needed what I wanted, because I was really trying to figure out do I want to stay in this relationship, do I want to go, and that's a hard decision. Oh yeah. Especially when you're in your mid 30s and you're like, do I want kids, why not want kids? So it was really helping me gain clarity. Let's go back to when you said

you were really hard on yourself, which I think a lot of us can relate to that nagging voice in our head, beats ourselves up, why are you this or that? The thing about meditation that I found too, the more consistent I am with it, like you realize it's just your thoughts, and it's about going back to your body.

Absolutely. And the moment, and you kind of just, then you can come out of it with clarity. I think one of the best results of meditation or benefits is your ability to realize emotions, or just emotions, and thoughts, or just thoughts. Now, we all have them, they don't go away, just because your meditates doesn't mean they disappear,

but they don't control you. And the problem is a lot of people, they do control them if they have a bad day, or all have them. They don't go away just because you meditate. It doesn't mean they disappear, but they don't control you. And the problem is a lot of people, they do control them if they have a bad day or something bad happens. I mean, you almost don't want to be around that person. And it shouldn't be like that. Like, bad shit happens. Good things happen. You know, bad thoughts happen.

Great thoughts happen. But they are just thoughts and they inform what's happening, but they shouldn't inform who you are at your core. And I think that is one of the most amazing benefits. And again, it goes back to you, know who you truly are, not about what's happening around you. Okay. So how would you describe meditation to someone who's like, okay, Emily, are you talking about it or they're skeptical? Like, what's a good? They can't come to LA and go to the amazing den meditation. Yeah. I think it should be everywhere in the country.

Maybe one in the world. I think it will be maybe an app too. How cool would that be? Well, how would you describe it to someone, the benefits, and then maybe what they can do? Well, I would say the benefits, we just talked about a lot of other things. Or some are skeptical. That's the benefits of where to, like how would you just try?

Look, I'd say if you're skeptical, this is what I tell people, I'm like, okay, at the very least, you have like five minutes of relaxation, or five minutes to yourself, especially let's say, because you were saying, if a woman comes in and she's nervous,

it's like, if you're a busy person, and you just take five minutes to shut down, even if you feel like you're not meditating or it's quote unquote not working, you're still, when in today's day and age, do you sit somewhere for five, 10, 15, 20, whatever time you're allotting for yourself? Do you actually sit somewhere and not do anything? Right. With that, you're fine. And that's why I used to tell myself because I really struggled in the beginning again going through the divorce, I had all these things in my head, I had a whole department I was running. My brain was like non-stop, and sometimes those 20 minutes were misery, and I was like, well, what was the point?

I didn't get anything out of this except mulling over all my problems, and what I would say to myself is, I just sat somewhere for 20 minutes, and I didn't check email, and I didn't read, and I was with myself, and I was breathing. So even at the very least, even though that didn't feel very good, like I just gave myself a gift. Right, exactly.

So that's what I would tell someone who's skeptical is at the very least, that's what you're doing. Yeah, at the very least, you're not with your phone and you're breathing. And if you start with that, and the more you do it, because I think then you're easier on yourself, then I bet you'll actually get more open,

and then you'll start to actually see some of the other benefits happening. And it takes a little bit of time. Yes, absolutely. It's like exercise. And it's so true that there are so many times you're like, what's the point? I had 30 seconds maybe where I was just breathing and not my thoughts, but that.

And when I did my TM practice, transcendental meditation, I love that it was so like, that's cool. Go back to your thoughts when you can. If your mind races the whole time, it gives you the permission to just like, it's okay, even if you view it for 10 minutes, like you tried. Look at what you can, it's gonna help you. And just like calming your body down in your nervous system down is a huge gift. And yeah, TM is a perfect example. And honestly, you know, we call it

like anchor-based meditation, any meditation. And by the way, breathing is one, counting. Sometimes it's staring at something, just if you want to breathe and count at the same time, that gives your mind something to focus on, and then allows you to kind of drift. Which is why a mantra can work. And so, you can't do it too. And so therefore, and just what you're saying, when your mind then starts going to your to-do list or whatever, it's okay, you say, okay, have those thoughts,

and then you just go back and you start over again, and before you know it, you'll have longer times of counting. Before you know it, there'll be moments where you don't know which has happened. Nothing happened. Exactly. And then you'll go back to counting again or breathing or your mantra or whatever it is that's working for you. I felt like the first time I did it, that it was like this amazing tool that you learn,

that your mind is like a wild animal in the jungle and that it's totally in control unless we learn to control it. I'm reacting to my mind and that I realized how hard it was. I said, I'm here in this meditation retreat. It's like 20 years ago, and my only job is to focus my breath. Like, that's all I have to do. That's so hard.

So, I'm like, that's it. Like, there's nothing else but to sit and breathe and focus. And it was so hard, and I beat myself up, and I created stories that everyone else was a good meditator. And then you realize, like, whoa, because like I do what you do, you're like competitive, and like, oh my God, she's it moved. I was itching, I was a good meditator. And then you realized, whoa, because like, you're like competitive. And like, oh my god, she's it moved.

I was itching, I was scratching, I wasn't supposed to move. She, my eyes were looking around. But then you realize that is the practice, the practice within the practice. And it's just, it's a discipline. And of itself too. But yeah, and there is no competition. And like you said, some days are bad.

But it really, to have that time of like you said, no cooking, no, and just breathing, it's hard for us because we're out of practice. When do we do that? Never. I mean, since you were a baby, baby, baby, you've stopped doing that. We've just like, we've filtered in so much stuff,

especially today with like the internet and all like, yeah, when do we ever turn our phone on? No, you never, I mean, I actually, my niece just sat about, Miss was she turned 13 and like one of the pieces of Vice-I-Gaver was like, one time from this point on in the rest of your life when you go to meet your friends, turn your phone down, like just turn it over

and actually just sit there and see what happens. And I was like the fact that I actually give that as a piece of advice to just be like, you'll be surprised, like don't stare at your phone while you're at a bar weighing or at a party, like whatever it is, just put it down. It's right, it's just like, talk about being in the moment, not in the moment, our phones take us out of the moment.

So how has meditation helped with your relationship, because your relationship now? Are we married? Yeah, married boyfriend, same thing. Right, same thing, you're not the kid, but we're not the kid, we're not the kid. We do the whole thing. I think it's funny because I would say,

what we were talking about before, as far as not letting your emotions take over, I think it really helps you with your reactions as well. So the ability to like step back and see things clearly, especially in this relationship has been very helpful for me. Like my boyfriend's amazing, but he has grown a lot emotionally.

And I think the patients that, not that I'm perfect by the way, but what I was about to say made it seem like. You could be perfect. But I gotta say. But I mean, I've had issues too, but I would say I think the patients, I've had in the relationship a lot I gotta say. But I mean, I've had issues too, but I would say I think the patients I've had in the relationship a lot of it is due

because I meditate and I've had the ability to kind of step back and look at certain moments and be like, yeah, that might have been shitty, but I know this is what's really going on or that reaction, you know, to curbing, because I can be so pissy and I can get really angry too. And I feel like it helps me curve that a little bit too. And I'd be able to like step back. And that's huge because then it allows you to communicate better. Exactly.

Does he meditate? He is, he's starting to, you know, it's funny. He's never been a big meditator and it drives me crazy because when he does come into the Dan and meditate, he falls in so quickly. And I'm like, you don't know how lucky you are. It is such a struggle for people. And you get in like that, he'll get there. I think that's part of his journey. And there's a lot of power in meditating together, like as a couple. It's funny, we haven't done it yet, because I tried once, and no, I actually think

for us it's going to be huge, and I feel like it's actually a next step. He's been doing a lot of work in other ways, and I feel like it's our next step together, and I'm actually really excited about it. Talk to me about the power of meditating in a group. How strong that is, which is what you provided the dance. Yeah, I think it's great. I mean, I think for some people they're like, oh, no, it needs to be absolutely silent. So hearing someone fidget or breathe the relay throes them off, but

that's also part of your practice. You need to learn to not get thrown off by anything. There is an energy. It's kind of like we feel like I'm meant to meditate right now. That's my day right now. I'm not the most boring show ever. So there is something about being in a group, ever, even like when you go to a concert and you hear the music and everyone's singing at the same time and there's that energy, it's the same thing but a much quieter version. So it's like everyone is putting this power and this energy into going to like a source.

I mean, it's sounding very religious now but I don't mean it to whether it be themselves or something and that energy is contagious and you feed off of each other and there is a feeling that you have while meditating with others that you don't always get. And when I do find that, sometimes the ability to go into a really deep meditation

is actually helpful in a group, which is crazy, because sometimes you're very distracted. No, I feel that's the same way I feel. I think just that energy alone that's vibrating around you actually helps you. Yeah, I think it's so good. Okay, I read a quote from you. Yeah, I think it's so good. Okay, I read a quote from you. Oh, I know.

And this kind of applies to relationships. So you said, what could I have done differently? Why do I feel like I'm in this position, what part did I play in this? You say there's always something to learn. And if you learn the lessons, the struggle doesn't feel like a struggle. It feels like a speed bump. I said that. Yeah, you did.

I thought it was a lovely quote. But it's more like I think that we all struggle with so many things and I'm wondering like, dude, does that help you in your, like I know that you think, like we can all look at things that are hard and I think, kind of see the positive, is it helping your relationship or how else does this?

Yeah, I have a big philosophy. Like you were just saying of positivity and attitude and how you look at something. And I think it changes everything. And I used to struggle because I had a friend who were no longer friends, and there was a lot of negativity around it. And this was a long time ago.

And I felt guilty for having good things in my life, because she was just always so angry about everything. And in the way she would twist it was as if everything was lucky. Now, by the way, I'm a very lucky human being. So I'm not gonna say I'm not. But I started to realize as I got older and looking at people and how they react, and I've realized, wow, a lot of depressed people

or people that are set are very angry at happy people. I did so true. And they're angry at happy people because they think life is easy for them, and I know a lot of happy people were life isn't so easy for them. It's just their choice of how they attack each other and how they look at it.

And it was that moment where it's like, maybe you wouldn't be so sad and depressed if you would switch the way you'd look at stuff. Because, I mean, you can meet some people where some gnarly shit has happened to them. And they're actually happy, I mean, it doesn't mean they don't have stuff to work through. And it's just fascinating.

And so that attitude, I think, that's part of it too, where anything that happens, any obstacle in your life that happens to you, it can be just a speed bump. It can just be that little thing that happened that from anything that's huge to small, it's all your perspective on how you want to take it. And again, I think that goes accepting yourself and loving yourself.

And we all fuck up and we all make mistakes. And nobody is free of that. So if you're just like, shit, that is my mistake. I joke, I say, mommy made a mistake daily to my child. Daily, I was like, oops, mommy, fuck, oh, I don't say fucks up though I want to. It's really hard for me not to curse. And I always was like, oops, mommy, fuck, oh, I don't say fucks up though I want to. It's really hard for me not to curse. Yeah. And I always say like, mommy made a mistake so often with her because I want her to know like, it's really okay to make mistakes and it's not a big deal.

And just move on. Like, let's fix it. And I do make mistakes all the time, whether they're tiny or big. Do you think she's like drinking when she was 18 to like, sorry, mommy, I mean, maybe I was gonna totally backfire. No, but that's so smart.

Because I think that there is a certain perfectionism that's kind of a plague for a lot of people, their whole life, they'd be perfect and to say, no, I mean, mistake is always perfect. And because she's also in the wife's face, there's a lot of like, mommy, why? And I'm like, because I made them a mistake. Right. I'm telling her, why am I turning around the block? Because I'm just in the wrong place. Exactly.

So we talked about meditation and relationship. What about sex? I mean, I think for similar reasons that we talk about the relationship, I think it just teaches you to be more present and know yourself better. And I think the more you know yourself and your likes and your dislikes to be very basic, it helps you. And also, like things you've taught me, I mean, just being present and breathing and making sure that you can remember the moment and be exactly where you are versus thinking about

the million things that are actually probably you want to be thinking about or is it on the back of your head. So, and I joke, because you have really actually taught me a lot. You and I have had so many conversations about this stuff, but I do think it's really helpful with sex in that sense too. I think the more you're present with yourself, the more your senses are heightened. I think the more you know what you want and what you need. And again, I think the more you know how to communicate, so you can actually communicate what you want and what you need. And again, I think the more you know how to communicate, so you can actually communicate what you want and what you need. Yeah, and it just makes it better. It does.

I love that you said it, because we were talking about this, how I told you once, like just a brief, they're exactly just so obvious. I'm just like, here you are, my decision. So obvious. I'm telling you all the time, Jamie's work for three years. Jamie's gone home, like she's heard me say it, but then there are these moments where I think it was a few weeks ago,

she's like, oh, I went home and I remember it. I was having a, even though she's immersed in sex, she's like, and I breathe and I am most incredible. And that's what happened to me. We were at dinner and we were talking about it. And you told me, I went home when I remember and I was having even though she's immersed in sex She's like and I breathe and I am most incredible That's what happened to me. We were at dinner and we were talking about it And you told me and I went home and I was like, how do I not know? I mean, I meditate and it's like in my Detector in the middle of it. I was like I was thinking about you And no, and I just like literally I think it was like three deep breaths and I was like holy fucking We said I mean it was so fast. That's what was so crazy about it My body just reacted and maybe it is because I'm a meditator so I connect like, holy fuck, it's so fast. That's what was so crazy about it.

My whole body just reacts it. And maybe it is because I'm a meditator so I connect quickly. But that's, but it was, so there you go. There's another benefit. The more you do it, the faster you can connect. Well, you do it. It's the fast you can orgasm because I think

a lot of sexual things people struggle with is because they are in their mind. They're in their head and they're over. Same, do even though I'm the sex expert, I for sure, to my mind. That's my biggest problem. Yeah, well, most so you know, it's funny. I would say that that of a lot of the questions we get, the biggest challenge when people

have like, like, they can't orgasm and men and women during sex is because they are distracted. They're thinking about the to-do list or thinking about what hasn't happened, what could happen, what happened last time I couldn't orgasm, will I be able to. And the easiest way to get out of that is to say, okay, that's great. Those are the thoughts. And then what's happening? I'm breathing right now. What do I feel?

What does that partner feel like inside of me? If you can just remember to do that even if it's 100 times during sex? Do you think men take it personally when women struggle with orgasm? I do. I think, because I know women take it personally. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, absolutely. I think that a lot of men think I should be the master

of the universe. And if she doesn't orgasm, it's like, it's my fault. And so I think a lot of times it might be, if you know. And it's true that there's a lot of times it's our fault, because we are not communicating our needs to our partners, officially. So I think I used to, when I was younger, I would blame my partners.

I'm like, I can't believe I didn't orgasm. But I never even orgasm on my own, but I thought the men and the magic keys to make me orgasm. But yes, if we're just talking surface men, think, oh my gosh. The orgasm pretty much every time you have sex, now that you have all these tools.

I can pretty much every time, but not like, I have all these different degrees. Different degrees of like, since I can have three, sometimes I can, you know, I can't. I'm son of a, yeah, of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three of like, three So I'm a Dave when I was co-hosting Love Line affairs back and he was a guest on the show. And we've stayed in touch as I've been on his Bulletproof radio podcast and I've become a huge fan of his work. Perhaps because we're both clearly on the same page about helping people be the best versions of themselves. I love how he marries science, energy, and his exploration of the

human race to demonstrate how changing your environment from the inside out will allow you to have full control of your biology and reach a state of high sexual performance. So Dave is his own guinea pig as he works to develop his work around biohacking and the mishap behind it. You know I also love talking about sex hacks, which is like a close cousin to biohacking. You know like ways to make your orgasm stronger, to enhance intimacy and to strengthen your mind, body, connection, but really taking control of your environment and something within yourself. My conversation with Dave fuses science, sex,

and experimentation in a digestible, and truly eye-opening way that can't help with sparks of new ways of approaching your sex life. So I'm married, I have two young kids. Anyone who's married with two young kids knows you generally don't have sex very much. So it ain't just like kids are like an anti sex thing. And what ended up happening was especially when I was doing the 30 day experiments, by the way, publishing the data was kind of embarrassing.

I'm like, oh, day 24, oops. You know, I got to start that experiment over. But exactly like someone day 24, right? But over time Yeah, now is it still something that's become part of your your life like you still think about a judge is like another resource in your body Well, we'll say I I don't ejaculate Consciously, okay, so I'm gonna have sex but I'm gonna say I wouldn't if I've just you know flew to New York and back in you know 36 hours to be on the doctor. I'll show her something

Which happened like I'm not gonna come back and then you know have sex because I missed my wife and ejaculate because I already took Enough of a hit I traveled across the country twice. I was in an airplane. I breathed that air like I'm tired right right So when I'm at full power and have any jacuz for all ejaculate, but will I have sex? You all have sex right? But then sex becomes less about like getting ejaculation, more about having fun. And was that the other day that raises oxytocin, which is like the love hormone? Exactly. And the benefit for women in this whole deal is, well, the Taoist studies and lots of other studies show that when women have regular orgasms, like your emotional intelligent goes up,

your oxytocin levels go up. And it's generally biologically really healthy for women to have regular orgasms. Now, guys in this kind of practice can have orgasms. If you can figure out how to have an orgasm without ejaculating, I find that to be a challenging thing to do. But what I also found to be like off the charts,

not even like putting words to it, that thing about having any ejaculation for an hour or less, or not ejaculate, sorry, having orgasm for an hour or less. Through your full body, right? Yeah, like I don't know how it's possible like start a stopwatch if you're gonna do that, but. Yeah, you're not gonna wait, it's coming, let me start.

Yeah, exactly. But like after, I can tell you at least like 15, 20 minutes kind of times where I'm like completely, you know, I don't mind, you're not exactly in the whole time, that would be destructive. But essentially, like my abs hurt, I'm like, could I just be done?

Like, like, I just need to stop and literally, like growing a six pack from the intensity of an orgasm. And I was like, nice six pack, you're like, it's the orgasm. Like, that's all you gotta do nowadays. That would help you, maybe. In other fields, in other, in other fancy your audiences.

On my show. My senior program, Emily, you gotta do this. You know, six pack orgasms. Like, there's a whole thing. Abs in 15 minutes or less, but yeah, you know, or another. But like, it's not, I know. It's just, it's what we're talking about. Because we don't talk about, we don't.

You don't, guys don't talk about anything. So, what they do talk about because we don't talk about. We don't. You don't. You guys don't talk about anything. So what they do talk about is they email me all the time. My listener is 50% men, 50% women, but a lot of the questions I get asked, which is why I love that you're here. And I wanted to bring you on because all the work that you do around biohacking and being the best performer in every area of your life, how do we become the best sexual performers? And so there's a lot of things I talk about when they're like, I can't ejaculate or I can't say hard or I'm too hard

or I have no sex drive or low libido. And I always say, get checked by your doctor or you certain medications. And I just feel like that's so limited, especially knowing what we know now and blending Eastern and West medicine and supplements. Everything that you do, what you've done with the bulletproof and what you're doing now.

So I would just love to kind of, to find biohacking and then kind of get into how that can help people be best performers sexually. Oh awesome. Biohacking is a field that I helped to create and kind of build a community around is become a movement. And the original definition from that first infographic was the art and science of changing the environment around you and inside of you so that you have full control of your own biology. Now from a sex perspective, let's see, do you want to be able to get it up when you want to be able to get it up? That would be control of your own biology.

Do you want to be able to not ejaculate too quickly? That's control of your own biology. That same body of knowledge, those same techniques, I want to get swole or I want to have a ton of energy or I want to pull an all-nighter and perform open-heart surgery or whatever. It totally depends. I just want to come home from my commute and be with my family. All of those are control of our own energy of our own biology and the techniques are always the same. And the two big things that apply to sex are make sure that the hardware, the energy production in the body is working. I mentioned these little mitochondria that are worried about dying.

Yeah, you got to make mitochondria sex, it matters. Yeah, right. Yeah, like all the things that happen both for the woman and the man in insects or say for women and men in sex, because it doesn't let me woman in the man, but those things are all driven by electrons in the body. Like we're powered by the same things that power our iPhones. We just happen to instead of plugging into the wall, we eat food and we breathe and then we combine those. But if you suck at combining food and air, instead of getting the erections or the other kinds of stimulation that you want, all these electrons that should have gone to your performance in bed, in the boardroom, wherever else you're executing in your life, they can go to inflammation.

You get muffin top and you get brain inflammation and you're tired and you're cranky. So if you can do something in your diet or in your lifestyle to turn down inflammation to turn up energy production, you can put that energy to work in the bedroom. And then all of a sudden, wow, I've got like a ton of energy. I feel really good. Like this is a really energetic lovemaking session. You know, I was able to provide more pleasure for my partner. Like I had a better time. And maybe I had more self-control. And I was able to provide more pleasure for my partner. I had a better time. Maybe I had more self-control. I was able to go for 45 minutes and at the end of this, the ultimate actable for a guy is saying, all right, even though every fiber in my being

is screaming at me to ejaculate, I'm just not going to do it because I know that all that screaming is going to go back into me and I'm going to use that energy for something else. There is masses of energy that we expend this way, kind of unconsciously, as guys. And I'm not saying don't have sex. I'm not saying don't be intimate. I'm saying if you can get to that end and be like, all right, like this is even harder than skipping a meal. I'm doing an intense workout.

I'm just going to take a deep breath and I'm just going to say no. Yeah, what do you do? I'm not going to do it in this moment. You're going to be there to do it. There's practices right. You want the shortcut for having to do that? Do please. Yes. Hacksacks for me. Do it for everyone. Okay. So if it's up to you, whether or not you're going to ejaculate and you're a guy, there will be there will come a voice in your head, and this is the voice of your mitochondria, screaming at you, you'll at the beginning of, you know, love making, you'll say, all right,

I'm not gonna ejaculate today. And by the time you're getting close, you will have created a thousand reasons why, it's such a good idea to ejaculate right now. And you'll believe every one of them, because that's the way we're wired. This is how our biology gets it gets inside our head. It's part of what's inside our head and it'll make you go, you know, just this once. I'll start tomorrow, right? Yeah, exactly. So if you're in charge, you're probably going to

make bad decisions some of the time. So what you do is you just ask your partner, hey, I'm trying this thing out. And so I want you to decide if I'm going to or not. Right. And as soon as you take yourself out of the decision loop, so it's no longer your decision, it becomes fantastically easy to make the decision because there was no decision to make. Right. And of course, some partners are going to like that more than others. And so you're like, right, but because you have accountability then, right? You're like, I'm trying to do this thing. Can you help me and support me in this? I know. So like, if you think it's a good idea Can you help me and support me in this? It's okay. I'm not doing it.

You can say, yeah, so it's not like, just tell me, no, it's like, you decide. And then you don't have to decide. And then you'd be like, I think it's a good idea, but your partner is going to be no except, and I've talked to a lot of couples privately who just are approaching about this. For a lot of women, a lot of women are sort of raised, like it's your job to be responsible for your partner's pleasure and thus their orgasm. So it can be really intimidating for a woman to be in that position and to be like, well, but if I say no, am I a bad person?

And this isn't the logical thought. It's like, you know, exactly. This is what, yeah, it's so important to get to this because it is true that we don't women are, and I was hoping this has changed, because the way I was raised and what I got into this was it was about pleasing the man. Sex was not about my pleasure at all. It was, I felt successful if he orgasmed

and he had a good time. And that would, therefore, make me believe that I had a good time. But the way we're reversing this also is that it takes pressure off women so women can really get into their bodies by him, by him not having to ejaculate. But understanding that mentality that it can still be great for both of you is a whole twist of their mind.

Like it's completely different than what we've been taught. Still. It's completely different. And I've had a lot of guys say, like, I would die if I did that. And like, that's just your mitochondria talking. Exactly. What they're telling you is the species will die. And that's not a true statement.

How many times it take do you feel like it wasn't as bad? How many days in a row? And then we are getting move on from this in a second. So I can tell you that doing eight days at first was like, it was really a challenge. And doing 30 days was, that's a good couple tries because after like 27 days, you're like, what's going on? But I can tell you, my frequency of sex increases the longer I go without ejaculating.

So I was having a lot of sex, lots of oxytocin. And I was like full of energy, just like really full of energy. And then it gets up and I'm like, finally, like 30 days, like this is great. The surprising effect then for me was that you've 15, 20 minute, like whole body orgasm thing, but that won't happen if you don't have enough energy in your body. Like if you're running on an empty fuel tank tank and that's why like the body of work That the lowest hanging fruit for for people of those three things that are holding us back

It's what am I what am I gonna do for my next meal that voice in your head? Let's shut that up Because I mean who wants to have sex when you're hungry like no one's gonna do that now or are anxious because stress Here's the other thing David's that stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive, right? Couples are saying, I don't wanna have sex because I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, I'm too anxious. You know, when I've talked about all these things, you meditate, you relax, we'll kind of medication you're taking,

you should talk to your doctor, but let's talk about all that, like what can people do, like to kind of get that energy? Because if you're not eating out that you're not in a good place with your body, you're not gonna be able to perform sexually. If you can find a way to get ketones into your body,

and ketones happen when you fast for four days, when you go on a very, very low carbohydrate, high fat diet, and like the bulletproof diet was about how to do that, right? And headstrong is about how to upregulate the mitochondrial function. There's an ingredient in bulletproof coffee called brain-octane that puts you in ketosis.

The reason you care about ketosis is simply this. You can make energy from sugar or you can make energy from fat, and we're biologically wired to do wonder the other. If you use the brain octane, you have energy from fat and energy from whatever sugar is in your body, and now you have more energy, and you can go into the bedroom,

and your brain works all the way, and your body works all the way, and you don't get like dips. So I was tired. Now, you don't even have to have the coffee. Just put some brain octane on your dinner and you're like I have more energy afterwards. So it's just up-regulate your energy and maybe you you have some other meal, whatever it is, but this for me is just a reliable thing. I have more energy than I used to. So number one, add on the energy. Number two, let's turn off the stress. And there's so many different stress management practices.

The one that's probably most useful that I found is called heart rate variability training. And this takes a relatively cheap piece of equipment. This is, there's like clinical grade stuff that we do like at bulletproof labs in Santa Monica where there's chest straps and all. But though I'm talking about, you buy it on Amazon, it's called HeartMath. And I've been advised to those guys, there's no financial relationship or anything. It's just something I use with my executive clients. You clip it on your ear and you look at your phone and it tells you the spacing between

your heartbeat. And you play this dumb little camera, it tells you, breathe in, breathe out. And when you do it right, the light turns green on the phone. And when you do it wrong, the light stays red. And what it's showing you is how to take your body out of a stress mode into something called parasympathetic mode or rest and reset mode. So once you learn how to play this game, you don't need the phone anymore.

So you're laying there in bed, you're like, all right, I'm getting kind of close here. And I've decided I'm not going to ejaculate. So what you do is you, you just do that some kind of breath and you do the thing that takes you out of fighter flight mode. Because I'm telling you, right before you ejaculate, your body is convinced the species will die if you do not ejaculate. This turns that off.

So you're laying there like, okay, I'm going to close, you breathe in, breathe out and do the little thing. You feel it in your chest, but the game teaches you this thing. Otherwise, you can do like a compassionate meditation for five years in a cave and learn it or something. That just takes you long. That's the shortest hack. So I was able to have way more control there just by getting control of that part of my

nervous system that was trying to convince me that the world was going to end if I didn't ejaculate because that was not a true statement, but I sure believed it at the time. Right. Your world's gotten a lot better since too, right? Yeah, right. And so this is it. It's like breathing combined with consciously moving out of fight or flight through heart rate variability and just having more energy in the first place because more energy goes to more willpower and headstrong which is I think one of like my best books. Tell my listeners who haven't heard of headstronger, right, headstronger, like talk about that.

New York Times best seller, I'm very proud of all your work, tell me. Oh, thank you. Headstrong was about how do you have more energy in your brain and in your body because energy drives willpower. And if you want to talk about an example of when willpower matters most, it's in the bedroom

where like I'm not going to ejaculate right now. That is one of the most extreme uses of Willpower, at least as a man, that you can possibly have. And so, in order to upregulate that, it's all about energy metabolism. So I wrote this book saying, how do you have more willpower? What is the effect of food and environment on Willpower?

And I wrote it as an advice book. So here's the science, here's what to do. And it hit the New York Times science bestseller list, like right next to like homo, doose and sapiens and all these other books that were like baller books. I was blown away because I never expected that to happen. But it's, you know, about a hundred thousand people have read it. It's getting printed in multiple languages now. And it's not about sex. But it's about energy, and sex is about energy. And what I'm just talking about here, what I want people to understand is one of the ways you can double the amount of energy in your body is turn off hunger cravings.

And then what if you could get control of that? I'm going to die if it don't have sex right now thing. All of a sudden, like two thirds of the energy your body spends on survival goes back into the quality of your life. Okay, now we're going to give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you everyone for listening and supporting them, supporting the show. We'll be right back. Okay, so I'm going to jump in.

I'm excited for today's show because we almost had to start it like the second she walked in because there's so much to talk about. So I'm just going to bring it. I've got Dr. Jen here. She's a sociologist and a sexologist. Do you think there's so much power to writing things down and kind of taking inventory of the last year?

Like I think a lot of us look at our successes, our failures, maybe we look at our relationships with family and work, but sex. We both agree, people do not prioritize it or think about it or talk about it enough. So I'm thinking people can like break out of their routines if there's one thing they've been wanting to try Maybe they want to learn how to ask their partner for this one thing they've been dying to ask you They want to master it more. I want you to help me when you think about that too

Is there any suggestions you might have just to spark people's imaginations for some commitments? They could make firm improvement around sex and it can be relationships as well. Like I have like, I no longer want to suit ejaculate and roll over. You know, like maybe I want to or like put it in ejaculate and roll over like maybe I want more for a play. Maybe I want to, you know, we want to take a trip together. We want to sex outdoors. We want to be study tantra. Yeah. Well, I love, I don't think people even realize they can set intentions about what it means to be a good lover And I think even to reflect like what does it mean to be a good lover? And so like that would be even my starting point for folks that are like I love this idea But I have no idea where to start and to like take a holistic approach then so you know look at what do you think a good lover is

Physically mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually? Whatever that means to you. And like to take that holistic approach and be like, what is it to be? Because that is what a good lover is. It is. It's not just a specific new technique you learn. It's like, you know, it's the energy

that you're bringing to it and you're, you know, your open-mindedness. So give it an example. So along those lines. Well, so along those lines would be the spiritual one. Yeah, so spiritual one would be, I would say, like mindfulness, because that's at the core of all the work I do, and I'm sure we'll be talking about that. Right, yes.

Like, how do I be more present with my partner, you know, or how can I, I realize, okay, I've been focusing on my pleasure too much. How do I make sure I'm being present with like the nuances of what my how my partners responding and reacting and around the flip side because I've heard this, you know, from some men and women like, oh my gosh, I'm so focused on their pleasure. I'm not even in touch with my own pleasure. Well, it's an interesting dance, isn't it? Because, you know, you can be like a really big giver and you're like, I just want to make sure that I'm doing it right and show you he is happy, but then we don't know how to do both. Like, how can we really in the moment, because sex is really all about being present, paying

attention, like because your partner will give you all the information you need and if they don't, you can ask, but there's a lack going on just really being present, or it's sex and breathing more and being mindful. I love it. I think even, you know, getting in touch with your five senses, if you realize that you're like, okay, I'm in my head so much. I'm worried about performing and pleasing them or I'm worried about my own performance. And so just even choose your sense of touch or choose your sense of smell and like anchor yourself in the moment with your five senses and be like, okay, what did the sheets feel like? What's my partner

feel like? What's my partner smell like? What do they taste like? All of those things get us out of our head and our, you know, our monkey mind that's constantly chattering or worrying or anxious and gets us present in the moment with ourselves and what's showing up for us and our partner. And that's so good. Well, it's so funny that you said that because I always were looking at trends, right, in sex and the world was happening. And then I look at, like, trends in my life. Like, what came up for me three times over Thanksgiving when I was with my friends, right?

Like, I was in with my friends in Mexico And I'm telling you a few of my it was guys too. They all like separately You know the women's how do I get my mind off my to-do list during sex? How do I get into the moment? I mean I want to have sex with my husband and my partner But I can't in focus and it was like okay, so five people asked me how to you know this time How do I focus and what I always say is you know, it's similar like really like when you're, it's a practice, it's the monkey mind, it's mindfulness. And in the moment when you're like, Oh, but who's going to pick up the drug thing?

And you're like, what am I feeling now? Oh, I feel like my pelvic floor is breathing into my pelvic floor. I feel this penis feels amazing and hard. And I love what you just brought in about even like, because mindfulness is everything. It is all the senses. So maybe there's like a candle. This isn't you that you like., even like, because mindfulness is everything, it is all the senses. So maybe there's like a candle, this isn't the light you're like, I always like this candle.

And I just put new sheets on the bed, and I'm gonna play my, this playlist. So maybe this is like a, I'm just thinking this app, pre-sex ritual. So if you're like Emily, but I can't, you're like, okay, well, I can always latch onto the candle first.

If I'm like in the moment app for remembering, if I can't think about my body, because I'm feeling anxious, you can be like, but I do spell latch onto the candle first. If I'm like in the moment, not remembering to fit, if I can't think about my body because I'm feeling anxious, you can be like, but I do spell the vanilla candle. Yeah. Or I do remember that I put clean sheets. So then, and then all the senses will follow you. Yeah.

You know what I mean? If you're like, oh, and that's playlist, and then you're not thinking about the fact that you, whatever, gain two pounds, that you think you're like, you're like, your thighs, like, or your belly is like, or yeah, or that you're not gonna work, asthma.

You're gonna come too fast, or, yeah. is look like. Yeah, or the channel going to orgasm or you're going to come too fast or yeah. I love that. And that's like being really intentional about putting those sensual anchors in and being like, okay, this is hard. It is hard to not be distracted. It is hard to be mindful, even when you're doing something that's so pleasurable, but there's a million other things that are going on in our heads. And with our fast paced of technology today, we're getting even more fragmented, and it's

even harder to stay present for a short amount of time. So just like I think it's important for folks not to blame themselves, but to notice you're distracted and then have something specific that you choose to focus your attention back on, and then don't judge yourself for it. Exactly. And that is the definition of mindfulness. This is a practice. So if you notice that you had sex, what you said, don't judge yourself for it. Exactly. And that is the definition of mindfulness. This is a practice. So if you notice that you had sex,

what you said, don't be hard on yourself, it could take you 50 times during one session. And if you remember, you times, that's amazing, where you still won't do it. You still won't feel like you're totally present, but that's the practice in eventually. It's just 20 times that you're doing it. So yeah, I love that.

And you can bring a amusement to it. And just because I've been, I've been cultivating mindfulness for the past 14 years now. And so when I'm, when I keep noticing that I'm distracted, and I'm like, oh my God, Gonzales, you're doing that thing again. And then I kind of laugh.

And I was like, that's what my brain does. Exactly. And so it's like the opposite of beating myself up for it, actually just having amusement for a month. That's how my brain's trained, but I'm gonna keep working on this. It's a practice, because we all have those voices in our head, we all do.

And we don't realize that it's actually our voice. You know what I'm saying? That is mindfulness as well. That I do that a lot, I'm always constantly going, and we slip a lot, but I'm like, okay, that's the negative thought you gotta send the more. Like what you replace every thought with, that's the positive that you set out into the universe.

And so even in the moment though, when you hear that voice, like it is me, it's not me, and then you can learn to separate it, which again takes years of, it can't take years of it, you're the observer. I think, oh, this isn't the channel you wanna listen. So I'm gonna change the program, and I'll think, oh, it's almost like I'm watching Netflix,

like I go, I can change it, they have a better one, and then I'm like, oh, let's start on music, that's awesome. That's awesome. I want to introduce my guest, Emily Fletcher. And Emily Fletcher, she has a book that came out. We did it come out recently. I haven't seen it in February.

Stress less accomplished more. Meditation for extraordinary performance. Day, but at number seven on all books of Amazon. Emily, she founded Ziva Meditation. She's a leading expert in meditation for extraordinary performance. Her work has been featured all books of Amazon. Emily, she founded Ziva Meditation. She's a leading expert in meditation for extraordinary performance. Her work has been featured all over the place. From the New York Times, the Today Show, and Vogue,

I'm just really excited, Emily, because I feel like you have the secret sauce. Like you have been successful actually getting people who think they're too busy, they don't have enough time, they'll never be able to do it to actually meditate. You've a good track record. So tell me about even meditation.

So here's the trick to getting people to meditate who think they can't. You just have to sell it as a performance tool. You just have to say, hey, here's this thing that's gonna help you make more money and be better in bed. And then people are like, oh, where do I sign up? So we have to just like go of like the robes and the insins

and the fingers and vol fingers and the preciousness. And yes, there's so much science around it, which I'm sure we'll dive into. But it's like, why are people really doing anything? It's usually to make more money or have better sex. It's so hard. You're absolutely right. Because you've worked with top performers and athletes and CEOs and top business leaders. And so you're saying that you reframe it as like, this is gonna help you like a hack.

Like, you know, you're gonna be a better performer just like you go to a business conference or you'd read, you know, books or you'd buy, get a business coach, this actually is gonna do that. Because here's the thing, stress is making us stupid, sick and slow. It is slowing us down in the board room, it is slowing us down in the bedroom.

And so it's like, if there's a tool that could help you get rid of stress, why would you not use it? Stress is not like cancer. Okay, we have a solution for this epidemic. According to Harvard Medical School's stress is responsible for 90% of all doctors visits. I believe that. Doctors are calling it the black plague of our century and it's making us feel more isolated. It's ruining our confidence and it can actually chemically affect us. I mean, if women have too much cortisol, they become incapable of orgasm.

If men have too much adrenaline, it affects their erection. And so it's like, this isn't just like, oh, if you meditate, you'll see each other's chakras. It's like, no, if you're too stressed, you can't orgasm. Right. Exactly. Say that. You can't orgasm and you'll make less money.

No, your work will suffer. Because it is true. Like, I always say that stress and anxiety is the biggest killer of our sex drive. But also, I feel like there is an epidemic of anxiety or people sharing that they've anxiety, but it seemed like the whole goddamn world is anxious, including myself, and I meditate, you know, and I think it definitely has helped. Imagine me without it.

But I do think that this really is, I mean, meditation, I think exercise, sleep. But meditation can also help with that, help with sleep. And it can help with so many of the things that Alice, so give me an example about your meditation. Like, one of your mantras is meditate, masturbate, and manifest. That's one of my... Oh, sorry.

That's not what I'm saying. I can't read it. Mine, sorry, backup. Mine is meditate, masturbate, and manifest. And yours is meditate, mindfulness, and manifestation. Yeah, we both got three M's. That's all I'm saying. I was like, and I have that, and you have that,

which I think is amazing. So how does yours work? Tell me. Okay, so Ziva is all about meditation for better performance, and we use these three tools, the three M's just like you. So mindfulness to help you with your stress in the now, which is like, oh, I just have this crazy day at work. Let me do 10 minutes of my free app. I feel better in the now, like taking an aspirin if you have a headache. Now meditation and specifically what I teach

at Ziva is all about getting rid of your stress from the past. So all that stuff that we've been storing in our cellular memory, all that trauma we've been holding on since our childhood, that's the thing that's ultimately slowing us down. And that's really where the big cognitive and physical performance increase comes. It's from getting rid of that stuff that's the thing that's ultimately slowing us down. And that's really where the big, cognitive, and physical performance increase comes. It's from getting rid of that stuff that's been stored in the cellular, and now we even know inner epigenetic memory. And then the manifesting piece, which is the third M, is basically consciously creating a life you love.

It's taking the time to get intentional about what you want your life to look like. Hey, what would my dream partner look like? Hey, how much money would I love to make this year? Hey, what would my dream relationship with my body feel like? And a lot of people think they're manifesting. They even think they're praying, but they're secretly complaining. And I like, why can't I lose this weight? Why does she have a boyfriend and I don't? Why did he get a raise and I didn't? And if you ask shitty questions, you're going to get shitty answers.

Yeah. And whatever you're putting out there, if it's the negative or I don't want this, I don't want that. That's what you're, that's actually what you're going to get. And I think a lot of people know like, from the secret and all that stuff, they're putting out there, if it's the negative or I don't want this, I don't want that, that's actually what you're gonna get. And I think a lot of people know like, from the secret and all that stuff, they're like, oh, I took the think happy thoughts. But this is more than that. What I love about this is that it is really a full, like it's the full spectrum.

So let's first talk about getting, I wanna go back to getting rid of the stress that is stored in our body. Like no matter that the stress in the past, like on a cellular level, everything that has happened to us is still in our body. Yes. So how does doing your type of meditation actually, and any meditation, how about that?

So every time you've ever been stressed, every time you've ever launched into a fight or flight stress reaction, it's left a little open window on your brain computer. They're called premature cognitive commitments. By the time the average adult is about 20 years old, we have about 10 million of those PCCs are premature cognitive commitments. So it's like running a computer, trying to type an email, but having 10 million open, irrelevant windows so you can't even type the email. So what meditation does is it goes in, it gives your body rest, it's very healing. We actually give the body rest, it's about five times deeper than sleep.

The way that we know that is that your metabolic rate decreases, your heart rate slows, your body temperature cools. You're going in a de-exciting, your nervous system. When you de-excite something, you create order. When you start to create order in your body and your cells, that lifetime of accumulated stress can start to come up and out. I don't think that nature intended us to be sick, tired, and stressed all the time. I think that stress is trying to leave, but if we're so excited, if we're so stressed all the time, the body isn't have a chance to heal or run those maintenance functions. Just like sleeping.

You know, there's a lot of things that get messed up if you don't sleep, but you just have a good nice rest and you feel better. Same thing with meditation. You just give your body this deep healing rest when you meditate, and it starts to cure a whole host of ailments. Right. So what you're saying is, though, is that I was going to say, well, it doesn't happen right away, but your story is amazing that you actually, after the first time you came from, you were stressed out, you were in a place where you reach all of your dreams and your twenties being on Broadway like at 22, which is amazing.

People write a lifetime. And you, the first time you tried it, you were like, this is it. Yes, because I actually took a class. The tricky thing about meditation is that because it's simple, people think they should already know how to do it. So they sit down and they're like, okay, brain, stop thinking. There's like this one dude telling everyone that in order to meditate, we have to clear our minds. So they're like, all right, brain, shut it down. And then they're like, hmm, sure, I'm feeling a little randy. Oh, no, mind, think about sex, I'm meditating. Oh, no, I suck at meditation. I quit. And that's

the beginning and the end of most people's meditation careers. But the really good news for anybody who's tried meditation and felt like a failure is that the mind thinks involuntarily just like the heart beats involuntarily. So trying to even bring a command to shut up is as impactful as trying to give your heart a command to stop beating.

So where this gets tricky for folks is that because it's simple, they assume they should already know how to do it and they don't take the time to actually get trained. So I took a course. I was, my insomnia was so bad, I was going gray, and my 20s, I was getting sick and injured even though I was living my dream. So I was like, let me try this thing.

And on the first day of the first course, I cure my insomnia. What course did you take? So it was a Fordicorps in New York City with a guy named Michael Miller who's based in London and it was this meditation course. So different from mindfulness because a lot of people think that mindfulness and meditation are the same thing, and a lot of the apps and YouTube videos are actually teaching what I would call mindfulness.

So anytime you're directing your focus or someone's guiding you through, I put that in the category of mindfulness where this was more of a meditation class. So teaching you how to do it on your own, teaching you this technique, that gets your body this deep healing rest, and so on the other side,

you feel like you've taken this super charged power nap. So my first foray into this was like 20 some years ago, I was in Thailand and I did my first whip-assinate retreat. So I just thought, I knew myself and I thought it's a 10-day silent meditation retreat retreat where you meditate for like 10 hours a day and you don't speak or read or write or talk to anybody or look at anybody. Because I know myself well enough that people have been telling me for years I should meditate and I finally like, well, I just gotta throw myself in

and I did learn. But my challenge around that was like, I just learned to meditate, but I feel like which was great, but it also was very strict. I felt like it was for me to actually continue. I felt all this pressure, it has to be, well, you have an hour and morning and hour and night. I'm like, I do not have two hours a day.

And so then I kept constantly feeling which you talk about this a lot. Like, we don't meditate to become great meditators. We meditate become better at life, which you've said, to quote you. And so I feel like that's where people get tripped up. They're not doing it right. And so I feel like through this process of,

you do teach some practice, but then you also teach about mindfulness. That's the other part of it. Like, can we talk about the different? So meditation is a but then you also teach about mindfulness. That's the other part of it. Like, can we talk about the different meditations of technique that you also teach? Yes. And then I also did a post-in-a-retreet. So this is like, you know, 10 days. It's very, very monastic.

It's very much like a monk program. And the thing is that most of, even the mindfulness techniques today are based on or derivative of monastic practices. So you being in a, you know, in a place for 10 days, not talking to anyone, not even making eye contact or reading or writing, very monklike, whereas the meditation that I teach, even though it's 6,000 years old, it was created for people with busy minds and busy lives.

It's actually designed to be integrated into your day. So it's a much easier to do, be it takes less time, and see you have more energy and you become better at life. So I do think that the style matters. So is this your order though that it's mindfulness, meditation and manifestation? Yes. So we use the mindfulness as like the appetizer where we simply use a technique called

come to your senses. So it's real simple. You're just hearing what you're hearing, feeling what you're feeling, tasting, seeing, smelling. And it's actually something great that people can do even before they're going to have a romantic encounter, just to get themselves in their body, heightening their senses. And then it's a way to direct your focus, bring yourself into the now, and you're almost like warming yourself up for this deep healing, restful surrender that is meditation.

So Ziva's kind of like, it's more like taking a nap, sitting up, than it is any fancy fingers or a rect spine or concentrating or focusing. And that's really where the magic happens, that healing magic from the stress from your past. Then, at the end, once the right and left hemispheres of the brain are functioning in unison, that's where we start to manifest. That's where we start the plant, the seeds for our dreams for the future. Right, so now this is all in one practice. I know that you have, you teach courses online that people can go to Ziva meditation.

And this is also you guys in the show notes. If you're listening, go to sexwithemily.com. And if you click on show notes, everything we talk about on every single show you can find right there. So I'm sure everyone wants to sign up right now, check it out. So it starts with like, is it every day the same like you start with the mindfulness portion? So that would be the senses. So often, I think that's great because what I often tell people,

what we talk about in the show is, because, okay, listen, people, one of the top questions I get asked is, I am so distracted in the bedroom. I can't focus on sex. I'm worried about the bills, I'm worried about how my body looks, I'm worried that I can't orgasm.

And, you know, and I often say, well, you know, the best thing to do is like focus on your senses. And you think about what are you smelling? What are you tasty? Smell the candle, you're feeling your partner's body. Because when we do what you're saying is, when we focus on the senses, all five,

you've no other choice. You can't be in the past with a feature, you're present in the moment with your partner. But I'm wondering how you could elaborate on that with your practice. And it sounds like that's kind of something that you would do in your practice, but I'm sure there's more to do.

Because it's also like, if people are just doing in the bedroom for the first time, it's not, that's kind of something that you would do in your practice, but I'm sure there's Morton just because it's also like if people are just doing the bedroom for the first time It's not that's not gonna work. I'm always like I always tell you can you just start meditating? So yes tell me more about this So a couple things one I actually made a whole guide of visualization for better sex Which I'll share with you if you want to put it on this Yes, we just got together. It was quick to get you on I'm excited. It was like you were here Like so I'm gonna give you see we can put it in the show notes and then it's one of the bonuses from the book. We just got together. It was quick to get you on. I'm excited. It was like you were here. I'm going to give you a see if we can put it in the show notes. And then it's just a gift.

People can just enjoy it. And I would say do it before you're going to have an encounter. So you understand it. But the same tool that you would use to prepare yourself for meditation, you can also use to prepare yourself for sex. Because they're not actually that dissimilar. When you're meditating, you're moving beyond yourself. You're unioning with something bigger than you.

And something similar is happening when you're unioning with someone else. You're creating this third thing. You're not so individual. So you're saying together, they do this practice before sex. Well, you could. You absolutely could. And we even kind of hot. There's even something in the book. So there's a chapter in the book called From Oamed to OMG. And there's an exercise that I give at the end of the book where I, it's a little bit cheesy and you feel a little uncomfortable to begin with but you're just like looking at each other's eyes and almost manifesting each other's dreams for each other and I find it very intimate, very raw, very vulnerable but if you can create that kind of intimacy on the intellectual and spiritual plane, it's much easier to get there physically.

Yeah, I love this. I mean, this is something that couples me because I feel like if you could just get yourself in the mindset of sex Mm-hmm. You'd be so much better off But when you're just going from your day and the kids and the laundry and the dog and then you're like boom sex That's why we're all having a challenging time around sex Yes, because our stress hangs out in the past and the future our bliss our orgasms hang out in the right now In the present moment and the five senses are really just a trick to get yourself into your body, into the right brain, and therefore into the right now.

Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, are interns, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamlee.com. you