Sex With Emily - Mindfully Sexy with Dr. Jenn

Episode Date: December 16, 2017

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sociologist and sexologist Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus to talk about the best ways to communicate your sexual boundaries and how to share what works and what doesn’t work for you in the bedroom – all with confidence. They discuss what managing consent is like in today’s world, how being a mindful masturbator will help you learn about your body so you can share your needs, and why both partners need to be invested in making sex hot in a relationship. Because hey, it takes two to tango. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: We-Vibe, Adam & Eve, Magic Wand, Sportsheets Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Dr. Jen Gonzalez, sociologist and sexologist. And we have a lively and passionate discussion as we get into how to communicate your sexual boundaries and what to do when they aren't respected by a partner. We talk about why both parties have to be invested in making the sex hot in a relationship. You know, it takes two to tango. My mom always still will be that. How to share confidently what works and what doesn't work in the bedroom and why becoming a mindful masturbator will allow you to truly know your body on a deeper level so you can share that wisdom with your partner and yourself.

All this and more. Thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bitrified, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Avaline? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I'm off here.

So, I'm going. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemle.com, check out our podcasts, our blogs, we're updating the site every day. It's a really good time over there at Sex with Emily.

You can also subscribe to the podcast and you can follow me on social media, which I love. I love hearing from all of you. It's at Sex with Emily on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter. Okay, so I'm going to jump in. I'm excited for today's show because we almost had to start it like the second she walked in because there's so much talk about So I'm just gonna bring it. I've got Dr. Jen here. She's a sociologist and a sexologist I want to talk to you before we get into the the meat of the show which you guys are gonna love

I can already feel it We're in contest and it's how to be a better lover in 2018 How we be better lover and so I think so what I've been asking my listeners is, if they'll email me, like, their pledges, like their commitments, their sex solutions, if you will, or sex resolutions, you know, so, don't you think there's so much power to writing things down and kind of taking inventory

of the last year, like, I think a lot of us look at our successes, our failures, maybe we look at our relationships with family and work, but sex, we both agree. People do not prioritize it or think about it or talk about it enough. So I'm thinking people can like break out of their routines. If there's one thing they've been wanting to try, maybe they want to learn how to ask their partner for this one thing, they've been dying to ask, or they want to master it

more. I want you to help me when you think about that too, is there any suggestions you might have? Because I've been talking about the content of the last two shows and I thought, I'm going to ask, Jacque Jen, would she would suggest us some interesting, just to spark people's imaginations for some commitments they could make for improvement around sex and it can be relationships as well.

Like I have like, I no longer want to sit with Jack Lee and roll over. You know, like maybe I want to, or like put it in a Jack Lee and roll over, like maybe I want more for a play. Maybe I want to, you know, we want to take a trip together. We want to have sex outdoors. We want to be study tantra, anything.

Well, I love, I don't think people even realize they can set intentions about what it means to be a good lover, and I think even to reflect, like, what does it mean to be a good lover? And so, like, that would be even my starting point for folks that are like, I love this idea, but I have no idea where to start until like take a holistic approach then. So you know, look at what do you think a good lover is physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually, whatever that means to you. And like to take that holistic approach and be like, what is it to be? Because that is what a good lover is. It is. It's not just a specific new technique you learn. It's like, you know, it's the energy that you're bringing to it and you're, you know,

you're open mindedness. So give an example. So, a lot of those lines. So, along those lines would be the spiritual one. Yeah, so spiritual one would be, I would say, like mindfulness, because that's at the core of all the work I do and I'm sure we'll be talking about that. Right. Like, how do I be more present with my partner?

Or how can I realize, okay, I've been focusing on my pleasure too much. How do I make sure I'm being present with the nuances of how my partner is responding and reacting and around the flip side because I've heard this from some men and women. Like oh my gosh, I'm so focused on their pleasure. I'm not even in touch with my own pleasure.

Well, it's an interesting dance, isn't it? Because you know, you can be like a really big giver and you're like, I just want to make sure that I'm doing it right and cheer you, he is happy, but then we don't know how to do both. We like literally don't know. So I was thinking about like, how can we really, in the moment, because sex is really all about

being present, paying attention, like, because your partner will give you all the information you need and if they don't, you can ask, but there's a lack of one on all about being present, paying attention. Because your partner will give you all the information you need and if they don't, you can ask, but there's a lack of when I'm just really being present, they're sexy, breathing more and being mindful. I love it. I think even getting in touch with your five senses, if you realize that you're like, okay, I'm in my head so much, I'm worried about performing and pleasing them or I'm worried

about my own performance. And so just even choose your sense of touch or choose your sense of smell and like anchor yourself in the moment with your five senses and be like, okay, what did the sheets feel like? What's my partner feel like? What's my partner smell like? What did they taste like?

All of those things get us out of our head and our, you know, our monkey mind that's constantly chattering or worrying or anxious and gets us present in the moment with ourselves and what's showing up for us and our partner. And that's so good. Well, it's so funny that you said that because I always, you know, as you do, we're looking at trends, right, in sex

and the world was happening, and then I look at, like, trends in my life. Like, what came up for me three times over Thanksgiving when I was with my friends, right? Like, I was in with my friends in Mexico, and I'm telling you, a few of my, it was guys too, they all, like, separately, they all like separately, they're like, you know the women's, how do I get my mind off my to-do list during sex?

How do I get into the moment? I mean, I wanna have sex with my husband and my partner, but I can't in focus, and it was like, okay, so five people asked me how to, you know, this time, how do I focus? And what I always say is, you know, it's similar like, really like when you're, it's a practice, it's the monkey mind, it's mindfulness,

and in the moment when you're like, oh, but who's going to pick up the drug thing and you're like, what am I feeling now? Oh, I feel like my pelvic floor is breathing into my pelvic floor. I feel this penis feels amazing and hard. And I love what you just brought in about even like, because mindfulness is everything. It is all the senses. So maybe there's like a candle. This isn't you that you like, you're like, always like this candle. And I just put new sheets on the bed. And I'm going to play my this playlist. So maybe there's like a candle, this isn't you that you like you're like always like this candle and I just put new sheets on the bed and I'm gonna play my this playlist. So maybe this is like a prep I'm just thinking this app pre-sex ritual So if you're like Emily, but I can't you're like, okay Well, I could always latch on to the candle first if I'm like in the moment not remembering to fit

I can't think about my body because I'm feeling anxious Yeah, but I do spell the vanilla candle. Yeah. Or I do remember that I put clean sheets. So then, and then all the senses will follow you. You know what I mean? If you're like, oh, and that's playlist. And then you're not thinking about the fact that you, whatever, gain two pounds. Right, you think it's something like

how your body is like, or your belly is like, it looks like, yeah, or that you're not gonna work, asmr, you're gonna come too fast, or, yeah. I love that. And that's like being really intentional about putting those sensual anchors in. It's the anchors. And being like, okay, this is hard.

It is hard to not be distracted. It is hard to be mindful, even when you're doing something that's so pleasurable, but there's a million other things that are going on in our heads. And with our fast paced of technology today, we're getting even more fragmented. And it's even harder to stay present for a short amount of time. So just like I think it's important for folks not to blame themselves, but to notice you're distracted and then have something specific that you choose to focus your attention back on.

And then don't judge yourself for it. Exactly. And that is the definition of mindfulness. The definite exactly is that you're going back. If you, and this is a practice. So if you notice that you had sex, what you said, don't be hard on yourself, it could take you 50 times during one session.

And if you remember me times, that's amazing, where you still won't do it. But you still won't feel like you're totally present, but that's the practice and eventually, it's just 20 times that you're doing it. So yeah, I love that. And you can bring amusement to it. And just because I've been,

I've been cultivating mindfulness for the past 14 years now And so when I'm when I keep noticing that I'm distracted and I'm like, oh my god Gonzales you're doing that thing again and I kind of laugh and I was like that's what my brain does Exactly and so it's like the opposite of beating myself up for it actually just having amusement for a month That's how my brain's trained, but I'm gonna keep working on this It's a practice because we all have those voices in our head. We all do. And we don't realize that it's actually our voice.

You know what I'm saying? That is mindfulness as well. I do that a lot. I'm always constantly going, and we slip a lot. But I'm like, okay, that's the negative thought you got to send the more. What you replace every thought with, that's the positive that you set out into the universe. And so even in the moment though, when you hear that voice like it is me, it's not me. And you can learn to separate it, which again takes years of, you can't take years of it.

You're the observer. I think, oh, this isn't the channel you want to listen. It's like, I'm going to change the program. And I think, oh, it's almost like I'm watching Netflix. I go, I can change it. They have a better one. And then I'm like, oh, let's start on music. That's awesome.

Okay, I hope we inspired you all to write it down and to really think about it. Because you're from now, do you still want to be having the same exact sex that you're having today? And if the answer is no, enter our contest. It is email me feedback at sexwithamily.com by January 14. Okay. We had us somebody win the contest. Oh, thank you. They're going to send in the submissions.

They're going to send in their ideas for how they want to be a better lover. Put that in the subject line, better lover 2018. And then we're going to pick four people's stories that we love that really spoke to us and they're gonna win amazing sexy prizes Hey, oh my god, I'm gonna enter. Oh, you're you my friend are leaving with some sexy prizes just for showing up Wait to see these sex toy closets There's a sex toy closet I love that you don't know that yeah, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, One you've had the same one for 10 years, they years which is great. And it's a good vibrator, it is. But they've changed and they're gonna rock your world that I'm gonna show you.

Because I keep trying new ones. There was something about that G swirl that I got from the good vibrator. The G swirl, I love good vibes. Is that specific vibrations? Okay, I don't wanna say this, listen, I'm not gonna say there's better. I shouldn't even say, I'm saying there's different.

I just want, in my brain, I'm not thinking you should even replace that one because you love it. It's gonna be addition to that family of my way to go home tonight Yeah, you've no idea. No, it's gonna be fun. So Dr. Jen is a sociologist and sexologist and tell me tell me what you're going on right now I know you have just a live a lot of great content online and you see your coach Yeah, yeah, so I'm in a lot of directions So one thing I've been doing for the past 10 years is a relationship in intimacy, counseling and coaching with individuals and couples. Although my real passion is public speaking and videos. I have a whole video series on YouTube in the demo with Dr. Jen with over 220 videos. And I've done two TEDx talks. I'm one of the founders

of Sex Positive San Diego, where we create sex positive spaces for people to learn and grow around sexuality. I've been in the expert in the documentary, the only documentary on masturbation called Sticky, A Self Love Story, which is a fantastic movie. Oh, you want to ask you real quick, and then we're going to get into this is that,

I know that your interest I found was stoked from attending the Summer Institute of Sexuality Society and Health at San Francisco State University. So my thing, I'm wondering, but that's where mine was stoked too, I lived in San Francisco for 20 years, so I'm just wondering if that, if there's something about San Francisco, it would inspire you to get into this. Yeah, I mean, I was already in grad school getting my PhD in sociology with a specialty in sex and gender when I intended that summer institute. But yeah, I mean, if, if, if, if, uh, San Francisco was warmer, I obviously would have moved

there instead of San Diego. Yeah. I'm so glad I've been there. I know what you mean. Because I love that city and the vibe there. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about your, you're speaking. I loved your sex and the price of masculinity top that you did

And that was really really powerful and the reason why I wanted to talk about this is because I think that there's a lot going on right now Around consent we never really understood it and now we're making so much more difficult Like you just take a camera and someone's face. I guess I got your consent right it down You used to get their thumb prints and and it's in a seep you with it where you raved where you not and I'd loved the nuance of Of your story and just how you speak about it, because I think people don't think of it in this way. Yeah, so there was, I was part of a storytelling event,

a year and a half ago called the new narrative. And we were to speak on some specific topic and it was communication, there were six of us speakers. And we were all speak on whatever area we wanted, but where we had a specific conflict around communication. And so since sex is my area, I did sexual communication. And I ended up sharing a personal story of a consent violation that I experienced.

So yeah, I was gonna dating a guy from afar, and then the first time we met, we got together, and we really clearly communicated about sex and our expectations and kind of use or not. And so we were very much on the same page, like, okay, sex is not on the table this weekend. And he's like, I didn't even expect it. And so, and then, and it's, it's funny because I, I've realized in, in retrospect, I think, you know, I was in 1991, I was a, I was my freshman year of college.

And when magic Johnson came out, HIV positive. And it was like a year later than that, I became a sexual health peer educator. And so my sort of coming of age around sex was at a time when HIV and AIDS really hit mainstream. And I think, you know, in that put in my head this understanding of like, you know, sex sexual intercourse can equal disease or death or something like that. And I, my indoctrination into sexuality was a really think outside the box, like playful, play around with bodies. Like it's not this just linear progression. Like you really, you know, you said the

the stick-in-roll over ejaculation. Right, yeah. Just that. No, no, it's all this other stuff. So, you know, I have that in my mind. And so, you know, and I start hooking up with this guy. And I check in at some point, like we're still good, you know, like basically no penis inside me. And he's like, yeah, yeah. And then the next thing I know at some point is penis is inside of me. And so I jumped off of him and I called him out on it. And then, you know, he went to leave.

And I was like, no, you're going to stay here and you're going to talk about it. Because that's what I needed in that moment. Exactly, like no one does that. Right, so that's what I heard since. I didn't know that. So the part that blew me away, because when we talk about like communication and I say it's on the wall, communication,

there's lubrication, that was, I love that it was so, like that's how you do it in the moment. And it was so, I can't tell you how many times that I still think really today really still men in their 40s 30s they still don't know the stuff it's like that moment when you're yeah you're having sex and you're like you're saying no you're pushing their hand away and then they still go for it and they still we're like how did we just say no and they're like we're not gonna have sex but they they literally just keep pushing

and I love the nuance of like you look down at one point and he had his pants off and his penis was erect and it was pointing going towards your vagina and you're like no and then you're not doing that right. Remember when we covered this because it didn't or no sex it was like what got lost there in that translation and the fact that so how it normally would have gone down is like oh no no and then he would have tried again and a lot of women where I want to say is everything that I tell you guys not to do, I can tell you that I have done. Yeah. So there have been moments where I'm like, no, we're not going to have sex and then it got so close

that it did feel good in that moment and I think, well, I am attracted to them. I did say no, but it could be flexible. Maybe I had a drink and then he puts it in, you know, and it like, I'm fooling around with them and he does it. And he just listened to the fact that maybe I said, I don't know if I ever said no sex, but probably like, I'm fooling around with them and he does it. And he didn't listen to the fact that maybe I said, I don't know if I ever said no sex, but probably like I'm not comfortable yet. Or whatever it was, if I really checked in,

no, I don't wanna have sex. Right. And the next day when you wake up, you're not like, yay, so glad I hid sex last night. Right, no. Right, like my friend nice and literally joke and like, well, I slipped and fell on his penis last night.

You know what I mean? Like, oh, we had sex. It was okay, we didn't like, and it wasn't like it was harmful. It's fell on this penis last night. You know what I mean? Like, oh, we had sex. It was okay. We didn't like, and it wasn't like, it was harmful. It's not like I was terrible sex. Right. But it's just that moment because I believe that women, you showcase this so well that we are aware to like be the

pleasers and be like, acquiesce in that moment rather than being like, oh, and that's the mindfulness. If you are really in touch with your body or mind, your spirit, your soul, but it doesn't feel right. No, and the fact that you brought, you were like, no, no, he got up to leave because he felt rejected because men will feel rejected. That's why we get horribly shamed too.

Yeah, for what he had done. And so he just wanted to be out, which I get. I love that you did this. So you said to him, no, you're not leaving. Yeah, you're gonna talk about this. And then we, like, and what'd you say, tell him to hear the conversation. Like, at least 45 minutes we hashed it out. it was sitting there like the condoms like on a limp

He's not stressed. You're interesting. Yeah, I was still naked. It wasn't the condom Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly there was no condom on that was part of the problem The problem was yeah, you said I we only sex the condom he doesn't like condoms. Yeah, yeah, so that was an easy No, it just happened so many yeah Yeah, and so I mean we were hushing out like, how did it happen? Why did it happen? You know, and I said to him at one point,

I just like at this sudden realization, I was like, oh my God, like, you've done this before. And he was like, I don't think so. And I was like, I think you have them. You so easily did this with me. And he had told me earlier, like, this guy really liked me. Like, he didn't, like, you just, you know what, told me earlier, like this guy really liked me. Like he didn't, like you just,

you wanna just fuck me, like he wanted to date me. Like he wanted to seriously date me. He was very interested in me. I mean, we had a good chemistry between us. And he's wearing something, right? Yeah, he was actually like early 50s. Okay. Yeah, at the time.

Yeah, so I mean he, yeah, and I like it, but you still did this, you know? Like you didn't want to screw this up and you still did that and didn't listen to me. I'm like, and without a condom. And you know, because that's a consequence is like, I'm not on the pill and what about STDs?

And you know, when all these things and just the lack of, and I had, you know, said no clearly and we had checked in and my, so there were so many components yet he so clearly easily did it that I'm like, you probably have a history of this. And then he sent a text with me the next day, and I shared that in my talk where he owned that, actually, to his credit, and said, I've been reflecting on that.

I think you're right. I probably have. And he's like, God, I feel horrible. Like horrible as a man that I've done that and horrible that, you know, I've ruined what's between us and, I mean, to his credit, like he easily could have blamed me or shamed me and like he owned it. Right.

The thing is about the story is that we're not saying like it was a rape, we're not saying he was even a bad guy that he's like, he's assaulted all these women to say that. It's more like, I guess I'm gonna talk about this dynamic that is so familiar to me and I think a lot of women can kind of like we just kind of give in even if it's just oh I'll let him touch or I'll make out with him and all these things that we do because we don't want to and men are like well they've never done differently so it wasn't like he was doing this to women but totally unconscious like oh

totally unconscious subconscious yeah because there's no education. We've never been taught how to do things differently. And so this whole norm between women giving into things or not telling them that it's not comfortable in the moment, it's just, and that was a different way of thinking about that we think, well, I've always had consent. It was those nuanced moment where even if it's anything, a kiss, a touch, in the moment, you're not comfortable like, why we don't know how to communicate about it?

You know, I'm like, during sex. It's so awkward. It is so socially awkward. I mean, in all of us hate social awkwardness, especially in an intimate situation where you could offend somebody or be rejected or be shamed or be ridiculed. Like, that's scary.

Like, that feels really bad inside of us. And then on the flip side, men have literally been taught that they need to be the aggressors and the initiators in sex. Exactly. And they need to be confident. And the number one thing in some great research by Brunei Brown, who I love her, is that the number one fear that men have is appearing weak. We have trained that into our boys as a society.

We have trained them out of empathy and a somatic awareness of their emotions and ownership of their emotions and being able to articulate them in a responsible way. And then we've trained them that you need to go for what you want, you need to always be confident. And sexually, you need to be in charge. Right, go for it. And we want an end if it. Right, go for it.

And we want an end, it's such confusing messages for me, just why this is, I never on this show, we are never, like my heart goes out to men, like I want to heal every man and woman on the planet right now, which is huge. It's a big undertaking, but I'm saying they're so confused and they're feeling so maligned, I guess, because of this, but we were not taught any different that they are the aggressors, take it, go for sex, like that's your job. And then women, the other confusing part is that and I've said variations of this on the show

was like, be confident. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can have in the better for men and for women. It's a different version of confidence. It's a different version of confidence. Exactly. Like a feminine version versus a masculine version. Exactly.

It's just so different. And yeah, so, but for women, we're also taught. So men are taught to be the aggressors, and women had these expectations, especially young women, I talked to these expectations, like, well, I hope he'll be good and bad, and he'll bring it, and he'll know what he's doing, because he has more experience.

I'm not sure that I, you know, it's just, and she doesn't want to be, it's very awkward to ask. Or what you want, right? Or you may be perceived as quote unquote, slutty, or again, yes. Exactly. Exactly.

And then we have the flip side because I've talked to some men that are like, okay, so I'm asking for women for permission before a hug or asking women for permission before a kiss and some women are like, oh my god, that's fantastic. I feel so honored. But then they have other women that are like, dude, just do it. Why are you doing that? You seem like not a man. And I'm like, but this is what I'm telling you.

We were like, man up, but then we saw conceptual and kind and intuitive. But they can't, okay, there's things. We want that, they don't, what you're saying is, and what is true is that we have, the men have been stripped of the ability to intuit what we want to be,

to be in touch with their emotions, their bodies, the breath, that, so what we're asking them to do is in touch with their emotions, their bodies, the breath, the, so what we're asking them to do is they're literally skills that they have not cultivated through a lifetime. So that's why this whole thing that's going on right now with sexual harassment and why it's been in the, you know, in the States, especially like everything,

you know, I guess it's kind of everywhere now. Yeah, well, I mean, it's been going on forever. I mean, but we're talking about the public discourse around it has really blown up in the back to movement. So this whole, the whole meat has jagged me to move and that's going on right now, the Harvey Weinstein, gate, whatever you want to call it, sexual assault gate, is that men are, yeah, they're all like, well, what are we doing? They're thinking of it in such a black and white masculine analytical way.

Well, does that mean now I can't hug or I can't? That's not sexy. So it's very confusing. It's not even about those subtle things. So that's what that's been the reaction right now. I'm like, what? No, what? It's like, yeah, we're not going to solve this problem with these pundits and just saying, yes,

no, no, I know. We're not going to solve it the way we got into it, which was black and white. Exactly. I know. And let's not talk about really the nitty-gritty of these topics. And because what I'm concerned about, what you just kind of mentioned is this,

then I'm afraid that then men that are in positions of power are now, you know, shitting a brick, and really scared, and probably thinking about what the hell have I been doing for the past 20 years, and can I get in trouble, you know, waking up every morning with fear. But then also being afraid of being like, okay, so, I'm probably gonna mess up.

And so I'm just gonna avoid these interactions, which means that they're not gonna invite women to sit at the table. Or your folks of color, because they're gonna be afraid that they're gonna do something wrong. They're not skilled in this. And now they're just gonna be further discrimination, based on fear.

And I'm like, so I don't, I mean, I love this movement. And it's so important. And it's been so valuable for so many women to feel validated to be like, oh my God, me too, me too, me too, me too. Like it was like, there was a day that when you just really seemed to explode on social media.

And I'm like, oh my God, every woman I know is writing this. And I just started sobbing one afternoon. And I know for many men, it's so eye-opening and being like, oh crap. And we all know it happens all the time. Didn't quite know to the extent. And so I think this is really eye-opening for a lot of people to be like, yeah,

no, this happens all the time. And continue then, we just have to deal with it in one way or another. And not that, you know, it doesn't happen to men also, you know, there's, it's all around unfortunately, but it does tend to be more gendered. So for men out there that are listening, that are feeling fear around this and think they might be limiting their interactions out of fear, I think this is a really great opportunity to practice humility and be like, you know what, I don't know what I don't know. I haven't been trained this way.

I do want to be a good person, and I do want to be a good man. I don't want women to fear me, and I don't want to hurt people. So let me practice some humility and just start listening more. And actually start engaging in conversations with women who you do trust and feel safe with, and be like, tell me when this has happened to you, and give me details around it, and give me how the guy could have done something different,

and how it made you feel, and like get into really the details of the nitty gritty of it, so that you can start figuring out, like, okay, how can I handle myself differently, and responsibly, and still really stay in engagement? And that's why I love your story because I think it could happen the conversations outside the bedroom

But it was that in the bedroom too just you know being more mindful going through the year and paying attention to like what really feels good to you And it's okay to stop and say oh wait that doesn't yeah Because it's best to have conversations about things you wanna try in the bedroom, outside the bedroom, like when you wanna spice it. But these moments, if something is painful, uncomfortable, or if there's something that you want, it takes 10,000 hours, they say to be to expert, anything, right?

And people don't even wanna take like 10 seconds to have these conversations, instead of really feel like what they want in the bedroom. So it's okay that it's gonna be awkward and uncomfortable, but once you start talking about the dynamics of sex you're having and what you want and what you desire, even things don't feel want in the bedroom. So it's okay that it's gonna be awkward and uncomfortable. But once you start talking about the dynamics of sex you're having and what you want and what you desire and things don't feel good in the moment, like it's just gonna get easier

than what I think is gonna happen, but I hope for everybody's that they're not gonna be able to remember a time where they weren't able. It's gonna be just part of like, you know, would you like pepper on your salad? Like when you're having dinner, like when do you like, are we using condoms? Are we not, what feels good to you?

Yeah. I think one piece that tends to be missing and approaches around trying to reduce sexual assault and sexual harassment is this, you know what I talk about? Like the somatic piece, which is like, where do we feel our emotions and where do we feel things in our body? Because our body gives us so much feedback and wisdom. And often it's really uncomfortable.

So shame and embarrassment and fear and anxiety. All of those things feel really bad in us and we don't want to be with them. And so we generally have patterns that are not under our control that we do when we feel that stuff. And so to be able to do something different in these situations in a responsible way,

I think we all need to learn how to sit and stay present with that discomfort. So for like my clients or in workshops and all I teach folks, how to mindfully, like say, just journal, journal on like what is showing up, like where you, what emotions are you feeling and where do you literally feel it in you and then breathe in do it. Because once you know that you can stay present with that icky-ness inside of you, the next time something like that pops up, you have a little more resiliency to stay present.

And even if you're only present for 10 seconds, it's 10 seconds more than you were before. Exactly, no stomach therapy is so, really, it's just again, becoming in touch. And this is again with ferment. And for women, so many of us are just cut off, we just breathe shallow, it's going from like the chest up and it's a practice of breathing into your body and then in the moment being like, what am I feeling now, what am I feeling now? And I have to say, I have had the experience coming out

that this is a new, for many people, they've never done this, they've never thought about it. And I remember when I first went to therapy, in my early 20s, I had trauma, death, stuff going on my family, I've experienced trauma and deaths and it was stuff going on my family. I've experienced like trauma and deaths And it was not a great time and what I did was I shut down and I felt numb. So my therapist had to me 22 she's like, where do you I said something? Where do you feel something? I probably said like I was sad she was a where do you feel that and I was like I looked at her like blank

What do you mean? Yeah up here I put in my head She know there's somewhere in your body and And it's taken me, it took me years of meditation yoga therapy to finally be able to be like, oh, I feel it right here in my chest. So again, that's why if none of this makes sense, you just breathe. Start with that. And then that's the process.

Well, if nothing else at least. I mean, if the mindfulness part of it seems a little bit more. No, right, that will at least if locating in your body doesn't make sense, if nothing else, like print out a list of emotions, because I've been, you know, when particularly men that are like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Where do I locate it in me? And I go, what about this list of emotions?

Because I'll be like, what do you feel? And they're like, mom, kind of pissed. And I'm like, well, what else? You know, and then they'll go through this list and they'll be like, oh, I'm kind of humiliated. Oh, I'm a little disappointed. Oh, I'm kind of sad. And then they might start tearing up and like their whole face changes.

Because they know the options because they haven't been able to feel the range of emotions that are available to us. Right, but it doesn't mean they're not there. Right. They just haven't had space before and just the neural connections of ability to recognize them and articulate them. You know, it was never trained into them. So even just a list of emotions is amazing.

And that's incredibly empowering to be able to articulate that. And it's like I see it, like I feel the shift in energy in them. So I was completely gifted like sociopaths though, sometimes I was seeing my friends, like what's this? My friends like, Uncle, he was a sociopath, he carried around this, like he couldn't feel emotions.

So we have to carry around a smiley fit. What do I feel now? He's like faking it, but it's not that. But this is what we're saying, you're sometimes you just need that reference. We weren't taught. Especially if you were taught to block things or on your own for survival, you never felt things.

So, and if it wasn't safe to, and lots of folks were raised, that it's not safe to be present with your emotions or own them or articulate them because you might be beat up. You might be bullied. Your family, I had a client once that both his parents actually would make fun of him for any emotions. Thank you. I can express emotions.

Happy or sad? Yeah, and I was like, oh my God, that's horrible. So of course you're gonna shut down just as a basic survival mechanism. And a smart one too, because otherwise, you could have killed yourself or you could be a drug addict. And no, you actually found one that was,

that really worked for you. But now it's getting in the way of the most intimate connection you want with someone else. And so we have to learn how to slowly, safely, you know, take that armor off and ship it away. Exactly. I want to say that I can relate to this because there's a lot of me that was very,

and still works on being shut down. I mean, that was a process. Yeah. And for a lot of, for example, men who have been in the news lately and you look at like Harvey Weinstein or Louis C.K. and you're like, well, I don't get it. Like, I don't, how could men do this? Some of them you understand more than others. It's emotional regulation.

So for a lot of men, they were never able to even figure out ways to feel. Yeah. And so as a result, that can come out in many ways. It can come out in addictions. People drink too much. Yeah. They beat their partner. they play too many video games, or they aggressively rape and assault women. There's a lot of positive things that men can be trained

in terms of masculinity training, but there's also what's called toxic masculinity. And I'm like, that's what we're talking about here, that when there's a lack of mindfulness around these topics about being in touch with your emotions and responsible around your emotions, men can do a lot of bad things. And that's what we're kind of calling toxic masculinity.

But it doesn't mean men are bad. That's why it doesn't have to mean that masculinity is bad. There's a lot of really beautiful aspects of men who couldn't quote, want to be men, and that has meaning to them. And whether they feel like it's innate or it's been socialized into them by the time where adults, all that stuff's mixed together. And so to me, it's like, okay, how do you just, how do you be a good person?

And if part of that to you is being a good man, like really be reflective of that and recognize that that comes with responsibility. And it also comes with some degree of unlearning, maybe some negative patterns that you've been taught, we're also part of being a man. Exactly. There's a lot to unpack here, but I think ultimately this is going to be amazing for the country and the world.

I think this is all happening for like a reason and this is time for us all to learn. These are real learnings for the first time. Yeah, it's going to be a rollercoaster, I'm not sure, but it's in the right direction. Okay, well thanks Dr. Dodd, you're going to stay and we're going to answer some emails for our listeners. I'm going to give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them and we will be right back with your emails. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing.

Text your questions to 7979. 7979 and then you just text Ask Emily. It has to be one word. To 7979. 7979, you can also submit a question at sexwithemily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, include your gender, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Hello Emily, I recently started listening to your show because of my own relationship

and sex issues. I'm finding it quite helpful. All of my girlfriends have been great people and they're the type of people you could marry and they would be faithful and happy. However I always lose desire to be with someone after we've been together for a few months. I'll try to talk about what I like, but nothing ever comes of it. I mainly have a love for oral play, both giving and receiving, and I need my partner to give and love oral but nobody seems to.

I'm very clean, healthy, and fit as I'm a natural bodybuilder. Is there something wrong with me losing interest in all these seemingly good people? Is loving oral play that out there that most women consider taboo. Thank you, Jesse 24. Spokane, Washington. Okay, thanks, Jesse, for your email. I think this is interesting because there's a few things going on here. He says that his go-of-ones are great and the problem is he loves oral sex women are giving him an app for oral sex, but then ultimately he loses interest. He's 24 years old. And we get this from a lot of men.

They're like, and women, I wish someone. And why does it change after a few months or do I lose that attraction or why aren't I getting what I want? And I think it's also like go easy on yourself, maybe you're not really into having a relationship right now or you might want to. Yeah, there's a bunch of things going on in this one, I think. One of them is, we do know the research of neurochemicals and that anywhere from a few months to two or three years or something that there is a shift, early lust in the

neurochemical, the chemical cocktail of neurotransmitters of dopamine and oxytocin and endorphins. Those don't last in the same way long-term, which in some ways is good because like, Jesus, you burn the candle at both ends, you stay up fucking all night long, and it's the best thing ever. Folks did that all the time, like who would raise kids and who would go

with their jobs and stuff like that. And so I think it's biologically built into us that the neurochemicals change over time. The three main sugars are the same. Of course, the honeymoon phase. Right, but I'm gonna happen in every moment So I think it's kind of biologically built into us that the neurochemicals change over time. The three main sugar types, of course, the hymen phase. Right, but I'm gonna have to put on that very, very realistic shape. Two and a half years, yeah.

Exactly. Some people maintain a higher level of desire. So, but just knowing that that is a normal type of thing and that it's a, it's like a big shift in the brain when you're shifting out of that to more long term love and commitment, then you got to really figure out, okay, what's sexy and how do I enjoy sexual encounters that aren't based just on those chemical cocktail?

Exactly, and then it's okay, and it's normal that I think that this model that we're just supposed to be moving towards, but not going to be and something's wrong if you maybe just after a few months, yeah, exactly, like you're attracted, you're not, and you move on to someone else, like that's not, it's kind of a, could be a process, and then when you realize that you're ready for longer term not, and you move on to someone else. Like that's not, it's kind of a, it could be a process.

And then when you realize that you're ready for longer term commitment, that's when you move into that, but not to put pressure on yourself that anything's wrong. Now, the thing about the oral play is interesting, because that women do want to provide them with oral sex, and or, or receive it.

Well, don't you hear this? So I feel like this is, and again, I do think that this goes back to a lot of it is, self-confidence and understanding your body. So for a lot of women, I feel like a lot of women in their 20s, early 20s might not be as interesting as this confident, or they don't want it because they don't feel confident to their body.

They've never had it done, they're not. There's just certain thing around that. Or men who have approached it, maybe didn't feel good. Yeah, I mean, I think there's a reason that folks say that women hit their sexual stride more in their 30s, and that isn't really a neurochemical thing, or a biological thing, I mean, some of it could be, but I think it's more because we learn to like our bodies,

we know our bodies, we don't feel shame about our genitals. Like, we embrace our pleasure in new ways, we've had some experience under our, about we've gotten more confident versus the shame and the good girl ideology and all these things we might have been raised with that is very disembodying around us, you know, in embracing our sexuality and in feeling like we have a right to our pleasure

and asking for it. Right, I mean, I think about that. I think, but is it really just that just, it's a process that women have to go through? I mean, how can we, you teach the store, trying to do teach women younger, that like you don women have to go through. I mean, how can we teach the store, trying to do a teacher woman younger, that like you don't have to spend your 20s like having bad sex and not getting pleasure.

Like if you could, and that's what it goes back to like, I always say sex education teaching more about the pleasure than just the fear. And so, I'm hoping that I'd love a lot of women to, you know. Well, it'd be nice to like learn that we have a clitoris. I don't know, growing up in Pennsylvania, that was not part of the anatomy. I think that's it.

My first boyfriend was a late bloomer at 18. Like was the first one, and I was like, oh, I don't know. I had that thing down there. Thank God he knew I had it down there. Oh, he did, you're lucky. I didn't have anyone who knew, so I was like 20, and my friends were like,

why? You never know, orgasm, I'm like, I don't break this down for you. What are you missing? What are you talking about? I don't make that happen. I know. Exactly. Okay. So women think is loving or playing back out there? No. I don't think it's that out there at all.

So you're going to find women who are more self-aware and into it. So, you know, Right. And some women like it. A really into it. And then there's lots of women who don't, but who care about their partner, who care about giving partner, who care about giving their partner pleasure and you know, want to want to give it in that way.

So. Well, he says he's also having a hard time finding partners who love giving oral. So I think that's also a confidence thing. So not just receiving it, but like why aren't they getting up low jobs, Emily? Yeah, but the love piece I mean just because you love getting it you love giving it doesn't mean other people love Giving it in the same way and yeah, you Learned over time too truly. Okay, not every woman. Yeah, you might never love giving blow jobs And that is totally fine be Be upfront about it though.

And be like, I don't know how to blow job giver. Right. But you gotta earn them. You gotta earn them. Yeah, earn them. Did you really see, I just feel like- No, but that's in the context of me and who I am and knowing me.

It's not done in a obnoxious way. It's done in a like, you need to, like I have some unique pleasure triggers and I need you to be attuned enough and care enough and, you know, involved enough of me and, like, interactive with me. You get me to a point that I am feeling so good, so frickin good, that I am, like, so happy to give you whatever pleasure you want. Right.

Exactly. And it's not going to be the typical things that often that men think, you know, with their training. So like, they need to be able to put their years of their sexual playbook up on a shelf and like maybe start scratching. They can have the courage to do that. Exactly, it's like, can you please inspire me enough?

So I want to give you a blowjob. And by inspire me or women enough, it's like really just, if you, I mean, this notion that men, I think, have this expectation, or many people have this expectation that we're just gonna be into it and they walk on the door and that's the whole arousal versus the other thing that women like we're not ready but what if a guy approached you to you to just like I'm gonna give you pleasure I'm gonna find those hot buns I'm gonna turn you on so much

yeah and I'm going to do all these things that and I'm not saying it's more time I'm not saying it's gonna take you probably less time more More mindfulness though. It's more mindful. And more sensuality. And then you're blow down to be flying in your direction. I'm just turning on thinking about this. That was so good. This shows good foreplay. Right.

I love it. So, so Jesse, there you go. So why don't you maybe, I was gonna also say maybe he's picked up picking the right women or as pickers broken. I feel like Jesse, the next woman that you go out with, think about what can I do in this moment to really please her and I think you'll be wildly surprised at how many blow jobs might be coming your way I'd say one other thing too is you never know like our diet impacts you know our sexual flow let's talk about that and so and I'm a vegetarian so, I think we taste sweeter. But I do think, right, if a guy, you know, eats a lot of red meat or has a lot of, you know, caffeine or garlic

and onions and stuff like that, like that stuff shows up and it's not the best tasting. Wow. So there is not, I don't know, the world of vegans just now, men, all the men in the world. That's all you got to say, right? No. So I don. So I don't mean this for Jesse to feel self-conscious about himself, but I mean, I do just do some awareness about what we're putting in our bodies and then can show up in our taste. So women are give, but I don't know. Yeah, that is true, but we're not sure

that he's not getting blood jobs because he's in the middle of the world. But it could be a million different things. It's just that we'll be healthy, you'll better sex, exercise more, eat healthy, you'll have better life. Or make sure you're getting a lot of low jobs and you just want even more. Like we have no idea. Probably.

Okay, let's move on to another email. It does seem like a, it's really going to be a thank me. Thank you as well. Hi Emily, I'm a 25 year old woman and I've been enjoying sleeping with some casual partners. I recently got out of a serious relationship and I'm enjoying the freedom that comes along with being single. I recently had an amazing hookup and I can't stop thinking about it.

We spent the whole afternoon together, we had sex twice and both sessions were about an hour long. The guy was incredible, for sure someone the best sex I've ever had. He did some things I've never experienced before, like slapping my face and I'm hoping to get some feedback. I didn't hate it, but I'm also very conscious about feeling empowered and ensuring

that I feel safe and in control too. Have you ever experienced anything like that? Should I talk to him about it? Thanks so much in advance, Marie, 25 Seattle. So yeah, that's kind of what we're talking about. This nuanced in the moment how you communicate about things or communicate about things or after about things that didn't work.

Because she could flip this, right? So they were in our long, he was incredible. But so in the moment, we were saying that she's having sex, it's great, but he slapped her. And I think this is something that, again, cut but consent. You never want to go in and like slap someone without beforehand. You're like, hey, are you into rough sex?

You into rough play. like how would you feel if I slapped you or spanked you? Or that's what I'm into. You don't, you don't, you don't ever to slap choke, grab, pull hair even and it's a push. Yeah. Push, none of this, but this is again, not gonna go off on a whole poor thing,

but I do believe for many men, like I don't feel like that was happening as much, maybe 20 year, the choking and the pushing and the pushing and the so I would say that in the moment, I love you're asking this Marie because this will happen again, things will happen during sex and you're not going to be quite comfortable. It's funny, I've heard some men say and they really do believe this, they're like, we'll all women like it rough, all women like when I'm in charge and take charge in that way. And so, I have no idea what the percentages are, but that is something you don't want to

make an assumption about. One, it's not consensual to you could hurt someone. Three, you have no idea what that person's abuse past is, and if you're going to trigger them or retraumatize them or a PTSD type thing I think it's just not respectful, and it can be really quite scary and defensive and so right just gosh Yeah, don't you don't do stuff like that without having a conversation first and so Marie's thing here though She wants to says you know I didn't hate it, but she's conscious about feeling empowered and ensuring that I feel safe in control too.

So maybe it's something she could be into, Ruffer play, but it feels like Marie, that it just happened. It was startling to you because maybe you haven't experienced it. He didn't ask you and with someone that you feel safe with and comfortable and you had the conversation, you might find you enjoy things that you never knew. So it's more about kind of talking,

but ahead of time you would have known or you guys could feel out, you what your boundaries are and what feels good. things that you never knew. So it's more about kind of talking, but ahead of time you would have known or you guys could feel out, what your boundaries are and what feels good. Yeah, and so I think her moving forward to talk to this guy if they're gonna keep hooking up, being like, you're amazing. Like I love you, you're amazing.

This is great, this is awesome. Like so, this was incredible and so memorable. And there were some things that were new to me and I'm not quite sure how I feel about them because we were new experiences. Like, can we just talk about them? And coming up, like, one of these, like, I've been really done any rough playing. You did this.

So, Tommy, like, why did you do that? And what does that mean to you? And can I share the same of what it meant to me? And, you know, can we, you know what I'm saying? I don't want any more of that, but I definitely need to have a conversation for you to hear my voice around this. Exactly, that's a great point.

Like just to have that real, and that's not going to be easy for you, Marie. I'm not saying that you're going to be like, oh, that's easy, but your voice might shake. It's going to be the kind of conversations that men and women have to start having with each other, any couple. And it'll get easier, and it'll become part of you.

Like I said, I think there's going to be a time and hopefully in the very near future where you're not going to believe you couldn't have said these things or stood up in that moment. So it'll be. And to start with that genuine compliment because you don't want him to get defensive because then you're not going to be able to have that conversation. And he still might and that's his responsibility. But if your goal is to really have clear communication,

then to start with like, dude, like you're awesome. Like that's a vulnerable thing to say. To tell someone they were really awesome. Yeah, exactly. That too is vulnerable. And with vulnerability and putting yourself out there, you've also genuinely complimented them. Been like, this was great.

I want more and- And this was new. Right, and made me, I'd like to talk about this. Right, and roughly way that might, that might not be my thing, but I've always thought about being spanked, you know, but maybe this is a great time to ask for what you do want. Hi Emily, I'm new to the dating scene and because of a Christian upbringing and lots of academic study, I'm still a virgin at 30 plus. I've met this guy, we've agreed to take things slow.

He's recently divorced and we meet every 10 days or so for a date and usually end up in bed and play around. He likes going down to me, it feels amazing, but what he's doing isn't bringing me to orgasm, and I think it's bumming him out. I'm okay with that combing. I know not everything pleasurable has to lead to climax, but I'd like to. What are some things I can ask him to do? What should I say, suggest, etc. to get there? I'm still working on being more vocal and saying what I want in the bedroom. My mind usually goes blank and it's hard. Thank you, Anne, 34 Michigan. Anne, I love the way she put this because I know that feeling my mind goes blank all the time.

And then when it comes to when you're anxious, I mean, during sex, when you're like, half to talk about things or at least earlier, I'm when you're like, what do I say? Nothing. I feel nothing. I feel blank. I'm frozen. And so, I mean, that's such a great way of putting it because it's like I can Understand that could you have it done it before? So that your brain going this is scary

I'm not sure and so I feel like being more vocal I would say this comes once you truly you know Learn your body master. We can talk about my full masturbation And you get into it and you're like oh, I know what feels good to me. I need a finger here a tongue here I need to move in this position. You'll know exactly what to say because you're like, oh, I'm, this is what I need and then you'll be able to tell them, but right now it sounds like maybe you're just not sure.

And there's a lot of women are like, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask for. Yeah, and how to ask for. But a couple of thoughts. I mean, one is, you know, how does she masturbate? So how does she get off? So how does she get off and can is she willing to start bringing that into it and then teaching him in the moment how to do that?

And I think what can be helpful sometimes because people are afraid it's going to ruin the moment or it's not romantic, it's awkward. And so sometimes I recommend, and for some couples, this works, actually doing kind of a session with each other that's very rather clinical. And that's so you're just like, okay, this is like, this is class, we're in class right now. And so if you take that more head-e-approach, and this doesn't have to be the most romantic thing ever,

you can really play with the nuances of giving feedback. I'm like, okay, I put my tongue here, like what's that? And then I put my finger here, and then I try this, and then we bring this lube in, like which works better, and if I'm like, okay, I put my tongue here. Like, what's that? And then I put my finger here. And then I tried this and then we bring this lube in like which works better. And if I shift this or that and like that real detailed nuances in the moment.

And then your partner, he can start to make it his own. But he needs some of those basics. And you need to give that moment to moment. Feedbacks at times. Yeah, exactly. It is? That's because we're learning a new skill. I like clinical parts. I'm thinking like, yeah, I mean, I have like, we could bring in a vulva puppet.

I mean, you could have a vulva right there, but if you don't even want to do it clinically, you could do it over to it now. But it's true that you, in the moment, even when you're having sex, if you don't want to even it to be as clinical without sex, you could be to show them, like literally take your partner's hand and put plays it to where you need it. Which is so interesting, because that feels so vulnerable and awkward. It's so vulnerable. That's what we're talking about. It's so vulnerable. And again, I mean, I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not going to say that I'm not where you need it. Which is so interesting because that feels so vulnerable and awkward. It's so vulnerable.

That's what we're talking about. It's so vulnerable. And again, that brings us back to what we talked to before about learning how to sit with that social awkwardness. And you've been journaling on it and writing about it and seeing where you feel it in you and breathing it and knowing you could stay present with it. Because that's true strength is being able to stay present with all of that discomfort and not run from it, numb from it, hide from it, and then have the courage to still have a voice through it and stay present.

So that's just, it's a learning process. It's a process. You're going to learn, and I'm glad that you're asking. And so really, the words don't have to be perfect. It's just start talking. It's just like, it's going to be so much better. High promise. Satisfying.

Thank you so much, Dr. Jen, for being here. Okay, so everyone can find you. Give your website. We'll have this all in the show notes. Okay. But tell me. Yeah, so folks can find me. My main website is drjensden.com.

That's drjensden.com. And then that's my handle for Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Dr. Jen's Den, as all of those things. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you Dr. Denver being here and I appreciate it. I appreciate your talking about all this stuff with me and everyone can check out your videos and everything on your line and your online courses. Wow, you guys. Thank you for listening to the show. I love you all. Happy, um, almost new years, going new years, so I'd love to hear from you on the, on our contest. We're really fun. Attention, I think there's a lot of things to think about

after the show. Such a great discussion. Thank you for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexualtemplay.com. you