Sex With Emily - Mismatched Sex Drives: Here’s the Fix

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

Mismatched sex drives: it’s one of the most common issues longterm relationships face. Frequently one partner has an insatiable appetite for sex, while the other treats sex more like a chore. But just because your libidos aren’t synced up now doesn’t mean they’ll be that way forever. On today’s Hotline show, I answer questions all about you and your partner’s differing sex drives and how to communicate your way to better alignment. From a caller who misses the drama and excitement their sex life once had, to another whose partner’s medication has caused his desire to be depleted - I’ll break down step by step how to broach this sensitive subject. Because if left unaddressed, issues around sex can be fatal to a relationship - and working through it will only make you and your partner stronger.Show Notes:Article: Best Sexy Stocking Stuffers 2022FirmTech Tech Ring (Emily20 for 20% off)Article: These Are the 5 Arousal Styles. Which One Are You?Podcast: Your Top Sex Fantasies, Revealed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I think that we all agree that sex is an important part of being healthy overall. So try to think about what do I need to show up as the strongest, most intimate, most passionate sexual being, and then do some of those steps. You're going to see that it's going to change your sex life, and change your attitude to sex, and certainly enhance your relationship with yourself and your partner. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Mis-matched sex drives. It is one of the most common issues long-term relationships face and one of the most common questions we get asked on this show. Frequently, one partner has an insatiable appetite for sex, while the other might treat sex more like a chore. But just because your libios aren't synced up now doesn't mean they'll be that way forever. On today's hotline show, I answer questions all about you and your partner's differing

sex drives and how to communicate your way to better alignment. From a caller who misses the drama and excitement their sex life once had, to another whose partner's medication has caused his desire to be depleted. I'll break down step by step how to broach this sensitive subject, because if left unaddressed, issues around sex can be fatal to a relationship, and working through it will only make you and your partner stronger. Intentions with Emily for each episode I want to start off by setting intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you work through all imbalances in your relationships. Because with

the right mix of communication and empathy, you and your partner can build a more resilient and sex-filled relationship. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. my new article, best sexy stocking stuffers 2022 is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com, slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show.

Oh, real quick, before we get into today's show, I have to tell you about one of our partner's firm tech because this is probably one of the coolest inventions for your penis this year. I haven't seen anything like it. It's a wearable tool that not only enhances pleasure and performance, but allows for real time tracking of a rectal function with sensor technology. Think of it like a fitbit for your penis. Because listen, we know how common ED is, but the cause is very from penis to penis. Here's how firm tech works, but operates by tracking specific elements for rectal fitness.

For example, it can tell you how long your erections are going to last, how firm it is, to strengthen force of your calculation, and then it sends its information directly to your smartphone using an app. So it's kind of similar to tracking your other health metrics like blood pressure and BMI. So then they create this database of metrics and you can compare your data to other people of a similar age. So you're not just looking at your own data in a vacuum, but you're actually learning valuable data with other users to understand what step you should take to have healthier rectile

functioning. This technology helps you understand your threshold. So here's an example. Let's say you're at a party and you definitely want to have another drink. But you also want to have sex afterwards. Well, there's gonna be a lot of them that's gonna go off on your smartwatch that says, you've reached your limit, no more cocktails.

Gosh, don't you wish we had that? For many things, don't you wish sometimes you just knew why did I have another drink? Well, this is gonna connect you in the right moment where you might not always be able to make the right decisions for yourself. It's like your best friend around your penis. And what I love about this, I've never seen anything like this.

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Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. We have Ashley in Florida. Thank you for calling in. Tell me what's going on. How can I help you? So I am 36 and my boyfriend is 37. We have been living together for about six months, dating for a year and a half.

I would like to have sex more frequently. We currently have it about every four or five days. And I feel like I just have a greater sexual desire than him. And I've brought it up a couple of different times. And it always kind of goes back to, well, I'm taking anti-depressant, you know, anti-anxiety medication and lowers my desire, my sexual desire.

So, and that it's not me, he tries to reassure me that, but I don't know, I don't know how else to approach the issue. I feel like my needs are kind of not being met, but I don't want to keep nagging him as well. OK. Has he been on the antidepressant and anti-exeggiginian medication since you started dating? Yes.

OK. So you've been together for a year and a half. So I'm going to assume the first three to four months, you're having sex a lot more frequently, just because that's what happens in new relationships. And then did you start to notice maybe after you moved in together, it just started becoming less frequent. So we had sex probably about the same amount of time just because we saw each other less frequently.

So it wasn't that much of an issue, but I'm noticing it a lot more lately because we do live together, we see each other every day. I have a very healthy desire for him. This is a really great question. I got to say, Ashley, that this is the most common challenge for couples is mismatch libidos or mismatch desire. In every relationship, there is a high desire partner and a low desire partner. The low desire partner actually has more of the power

on the relationship, because they're the one who's deciding when you're having sex, when you're not having sex. But this is a really common place, and most couples have some kind of challenge on that some sort of spectrum here, right? And it sounds like for you, you are, you know, voicing it with him, and he's just like not into it, right?

What does he say when you let him know that you would like to have sex more often? Because I get not wanting to be a nag. Does he ever say anything like, oh, I would like to try? Or is he like, this is just how it is? What's his response? He's like, well, I would like for it

to just happen naturally is generally his response. But the happen naturally is generally me initiating things. So I feel like sometimes I kind of get frustrated and I'm like, well, I'm just not going to initiate things and see how long it's going to go, but I don't feel like that's the right approach either. Right. But I understand that. When you initiate what happens, I mean, he wants it. He does have that desire and we have a really great connection. So there's nothing I don't feel like he doesn't have a desire for me. We have a really good connection.

Let me tell you what's going on here. And this is really, really common. There's two kinds of desire. There's a responsive desire and spontaneous desire. What you have right now is spontaneous desire. Like you are turned on. You think about your partner and you're ready to go. He has responsive desire, which is actually more common, I got to say, with most people is that we respond to stimuli.

So for him, it sounds like it's you initiating, you making the move and then he's ready to go. How this might look with other people is like for me, like, I need to have a connection with my partner and to make sure that we have a really great conversation. And then I need him to maybe touch me in a certain way or kiss me. Like I like to kiss first and then once we kiss, I'm more in the mood, right? So we often kind of understand how we stoke that desire. But I also get the initiating thing too is probably hard because you're like, I don't want to initiate and have them reject me or why doesn't it just occur to him all of a sudden?

But we have these different desire styles. It just doesn't work like that. And so kind of you understanding that like, it's not that he doesn't want to, it just doesn't occur to him until he is stimulated by you touching him and turning him on. So that's kind of what I'm hearing is, and perhaps it is the medication

that has sort of dampened that desire in him. Okay. Yeah. It's just a little difficult, you know, when you have not always been the initiator, just trying to switch hats with that, but I think, you know, I'm willing to do that and give it a try. Yeah, I think you should be willing to do that, but the other thing I want to say is

what would also be worthwhile, because we're not just going to let them off the hook here, because here's the thing, I think that he should, and I want to be honest, I've had this in my relationships too, where I'm just like, I'm not the initiator and I have to consciously think, I have an initiator, wow, what do I need to do to get in the mood? We did a show called the Rousel Styles and Rousel and we've been in a Rousel inventory or desire inventory is really what it is. And there's a series of questions. And some of the questions are like how to look at he could you guys could do this together. How important is it that I share something stimulating with someone to be turned on. How important is that I've dressed

up and feel confident. How important is it for me to watch sexy media beforehand. How important is it feel safe and comfortable. It's like looking at all the ways in the environment. The article is called five arousal styles. Which ones are you? It's an article two. So some of you'll get aroused through conversation, aroused through touch, aroused through visuals, aroused through play.

So what would get your partner closer to being aroused? Knowing this, like, what could you do? What could he do to say, like, oh, I'm really in the mood once you touch me. I'm really in the mood once we watch porn together. So you know, we're again, we're not letting them off the hook here, but understanding your arousal styles and what turned you on, I think is important work for everybody in a relationship or when you're not in a relationship.

Okay, great. I'll definitely read that article and bring that up in conversation. So thank you. I appreciate it so much. I love your show. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling in. So thank you. I appreciate it so much. I love your show. Thank you Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate you. Okay guys. Yeah, there's a thing I'm listening if you've been in a relationship with someone you it is split down the middle like you initiate on Mondays and your Part or initiates on Wednesday and you both the same sex drive that's incredible

I would love to know about you. I would love you to call into the show, but I'm telling you in most situations It is a dance. It's a compromise. It's something that couples have to become really, really aware of. But imagine if you know this right now, like, I don't care if you've been someone for, you know, 10 months, 10 years, this is not common knowledge. Most people don't even know that they can get into this. They can really understand, like, what does term you have? How can I hack my arousal? So I get there, right? So that's why I always talk about scheduling sex. Knowing that you're gonna have sex on a Saturday allows you to spend the week thinking about

what you might wanna do, how you would turn yourself on, how you turn your partner on, and then you don't have to worry about it when's a Thursday, Friday, like should I initiate? My partner gonna has reject me, you know, that takes all the worry out of it. So there's all these different hacks, in all these different ways, you can work with yourself and your partner figuring out

what can we do to make sure that we are both efficient, effective, passionate lovers with each other. Okay, next we have John. He's 33 in Connecticut. Hey, John, what's going on? I, how you doing, Dr. Emily? I'm good, John. What's up? Tell me everything. My wife and I have been married for 28 years. If I get a little emotional on not trying to be crutty. It's okay, I'm here for you, John. Overall, we have, I think, a healthy relationship.

I mean, we don't argue, we don't fight a lot. I mean, we generally get along really well. When it comes to the bedroom, it's a different issue. We just celebrate our anniversary on the 21st of this month. So it's 28 years worse. She ended up taking a worship on our anniversary day. I was hoping to try and learn special for the day,

but she ended up taking a shift. So that kind of told me right off the bat that maybe it was gonna be a no Celebration anniversary and with the COVID thing everything's been messed up and we've been dizzy and I'm an essential worker myself And she is a nurse to so we hope it been dizzy. Yeah, so So that day she took a shift. I ended up doing yard work someone and so forth She came home that night. I was tired because I wouldn't look him out the yard all day long I took a shower, got cleaned up. I mean, I know you talked about something like this before, but I'm a celebration anniversary blowjob type of person that I get

one occasionally once a year and it's a huge special occasion be in the anniversary. So I was kind of expecting to be intimate with her and to do something like that. It didn't happen on the anniversary night. But the next morning, I'm always the initiator when it comes to this stuff. She never initiates. So when we start fooling around a little bit, I get all and I completely take your effort which I've always done. I've always made sure her needs are met. And you know, when it comes to the well-being. I'm always on the top and

taking her lift that type of thing. So I finished her off, she worked at them and she was one and done type of person. She doesn't really want to have multiple orgasms with this fine. I'm okay with that. Forge words out of her mouth after she organized them was, okay, it's your turn, but let's hurry up and need to help me because I'm not that good, and as far as jerking me off or whatever. And at the moment, I was like, get ready to go. And I'm like, it didn't really sink in for me at the time. And then after the day, she ended up making plans

to take my daughter or go visit my daughter at college. So the Saturday, which was after our anniversary, we couldn't join any of the sheets of the off-and-aid plans with my daughter at college. So the Saturday, which was after our anniversary, we couldn't do any of the sheets of coffee and they planned with my daughter. So I'm working around the yard again on Saturday because we didn't go anywhere, and I'm thinking about what she said to me, and I'm just like, you know, that's pretty harsh.

Yeah. I didn't talk to her about this yet because I'm still upset about it. And with our anniversary night, the morning of our anniversary night, she doesn't even really look me in the eyes when we're having sex. I know her libido low and I know she not always into it and she's doing it for me, but the whole thing with the anniversary sex, I felt like it was just an obligation. Yeah.

Have you felt like this before, John, or do you think this is just sort of like the like time where you're just like I've done. We actually did go through we did go through counseling for about a year or a half. Okay. She was for it originally I am the one that initiated the counseling. She was forward initially and then and I do have to say the counselor wasn't always on my side. She would, she would, you know, take both sides out and she would, you know, one day I think. Yeah, there's always two.

Yeah, there's two in every situation. I don't get it. Yeah, of course. But we've done, because I only have a few moments, but let me, of course, then, don't, John, you sound like you have the empathic heart.

You're carrying the heart in the relationship right now. So I get that, but I feel like 28 years of long time, that's such a, and I can see that you had a lot of expectations around this anniversary because it's happened to pass. Maybe that makes sense. And that's okay to have expectations. And then on top of that, her comment,

which it could just be like a throwaway comment. She was ready for the day. She wanted to get over it. And that is hurtful. But she might not even remember. She said it. I would address this because it's a week later and it's still really upsetting you. And I would say to her, you know, I really want to talk about our anniversary because it's

been hurtful to me. I know I had these expectations and I love oral sex and our anniversary. You know, I expect it. It didn't happen. And I get that we're busy. But then in the morning, you made this comment. anniversary, I expect it didn't happen. And I get that we're busy, but then the morning you made this comment, and this is how it made me feel. It made me feel, how did it make you feel, John? The life where I'm going to be.

I didn't want to be there. Yeah, exactly. And you could say, was that your intention? So you could let her know you made a fit. And then maybe she was like, oh God, no, I was actually so stressed. And I love you, no, I want to make you know, 28 years, you're right, I'm sorry. Or she might say, well, I'm not good at it. And you always expect it.

Because then you're gonna find something out, but you said that you don't argue. The first thing you said was, you let this conversation by saying, it's 28 years and we never argue. I don't know that that's a great thing. Like to me, couples who don't argue and don't have conflict have bigger problems than many of us. Because you've been together 20 years.

It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict.

It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time for some conflict. It's time spiteful person. I don't think she is. No, she's not.

But like it also, so, Jen, I'm not, I'm not vilifying your wife at all. I'm just saying that like right now you're needing, you're craving some kind of intimate, you're craving your wife. Like I think you miss her and you want some love and attention and affection from her. And she's, you know, when you're not getting what you need and that's it. And that's, and that's a lot. So 28 years, I wanted to be together for 28 more, but I feel like, And that's a lot. So, 28 years, I want you to be together for 28 more, but I feel like, and I don't mean any conflict,

and I don't want you to fight. I hate conflicts. I'm so conflict- avoidant. So I'm not even telling you, you gotta get a fight. I'm saying you could say it or I. This is what I just feel lately. It's been hard, and I need a little bit more love from you. I would love a hug.

I'd love you to come home and tell me that you want to have sex with me, and that you desire me. It just makes me feel less than, makes me feel less connected to you. And for our relationship to thrive, I kind of need some of this from you. When we're back, I'll be speaking to more brave collars, all about mismatched sex drives in their relationship. Let's talk to Laura, and she's 29 years old. Hi, what's going on?

Thank you so much for calling in. How can I help you? I emailed you because basically I've been with my now boyfriend often on since 2014. And in the beginning, I have always been like, laser focused on, I want a relationship with you. And we weren't always in alignment with that, and that led to some breakups. And I always felt like in the relationship,

I was on the back burner. I felt like my role in the relationship was to support him and be there for him while he was in this very demanding sales career, but because I wasn't receiving any verbal affirmations or really quality time, I used sex as a way to feel affirmed in the relationship and to feel like he loved me. I in the relationship and to feel like he loved me. I draw the line, I draw some boundaries and I say, I'm tired of this, I'm not gonna be treated this way anymore.

You're not even treating me like a baseline good friend at this point, so I'm out, I'm done. So then about a month went by and I don't know what happened but that was two years ago and now he's shown up every single day how I always wanted him to and he still does show up so lovingly every day. But as far as our sex life goes, the opposite of the best case scenario because before I was like craving it, I needed it because I needed those that emotional gratification I got from it.

Now that I'm in this beautiful loving relationship, my libido's at zero, and I like think more about getting a good night's sleep and making sure that the plates are clean. Now that he's like here. Okay, that was very, you see, very self-aware. I'm totally with you and following along. So I mean, when I'm here, his first off, I love that he was able to come around. It sounds

like he really did mature throughout this period of your relationship for seven years. So and how old are you? You're 29. 29. So you've been together since you were 22, which is like most of your 20s. And sounds like you guys have grown up together and he is matured and all the things which I love. First, just know that when you were with somebody for this long, that this is commonplace, that this is like, you know, you guys are comfortable, you become each other's best friends

or together all the time, it is really hard to keep that spark alive. Like what that spark is created by and why we have that spark is spontaneity and when things are uncertain and when you have the nudist and variety, right? So it's like variety, spontaneity and novelty. Those are the things that we crave. Well, when you're with someone for seven years, it's really hard.

You have to like make an effort to create that. Like how do you, you guys living together? Yeah, yeah. Now we live together. So it's like how do you do that? Like there's something spontaneous about you getting up and going to the bathroom and taking out the trash. Like that is not hot.

And so what I'm hearing from you is like just really understanding of how you hacked that like knowing that this happens in every relationship. Couples often aren't equipped to even understand what they need to keep it hot. So this is when affairs happen this and people break up. Sometimes couples just, they fall out of love, they fall out of attraction, they can't get it back.

But what I'm hearing is like, we just need you to kind of figure out how can you get yourself to be in a state of desire and a rouse, or like, do you know what it looks like when you are turned on? Like, can you look to the last time you were into the sex with him? I feel like now I'm choosing the high of the drama that was in the tumultuous part of our

relationship. I know that that's when I was like most turned on all the time. And now like we'll have sex, but it's like so much more loving, which is nice rather than like really hot, you know. Well, that's what makes so much sense too. Like that drama, like literally you're having a adrenaline and the dopamine and it's exciting. Like you have chemicals in your brain

that are wired around your arousal and your initial desire with your partner, initial traction, it was built upon drama. Is he in, is he out? Is he gonna show up, is he not? Does he want me, is he not on me? And now you got him, you're like, eh, so I also have a question for you.

He's like, are there other things like, do you think he's your life partner? Like if we could get this sex going again, you want to be with him. Like he's a guy. Okay. So this is such great news. I love it. Sometimes people I'll ask them like, well, this happened or he cheated or I don't like the way he does all these things. But no, you're just saying like, I got to stoke my arousal desire. So have you talked to him about this before? Yes, I actually, I listened to the episode about your dream fantasy or like your fantasy narrative and then coming up with how do you want to feel when you're having sex? And I actually talked to him about that. And this is also my situation. He's so down for anything. Like he's down to have

the conversations, he's down to do whatever I want. But then part of me is like, well, that's like, blah. That's not hot. He's not the edge. You want the bad boy or whatever it was. That's what you're craving. Yeah. Well, I love that you know this about yourself. Do you respect him and how he is it like gonna be honest with you, like how he moves through life and how he is with his friends and work? They're like, I think so. Yeah. Okay.

Does he lead you sexually? Is he, does he initiate? Does he, do you feel like you're craving more of a aggression from him or more of like taking charge sexually? I think I might, but I fear that he initiates less now because I may have rejected him. One too many times, now it's in the back of his mind. I'm probably just going to get rejected again, ballsing Laura's court like whenever she's ready to go, then I'm down. Until we reach this

equilibrium again, it's my turn to do the initiating. I just don't feel this like sexiness, this drama, you know. When do you feel the sexiest? Or do you feel that right now? I don't, but I did just go on a trip with all my girls. People hit on me and I felt so scandalous, but I kind of loved it. You know, and I did feel sexy. And I came back and I immediately initiated sex with my partner because I was like feeling myself again. So sometimes it's really common we get out, we take a break from a partner, like he'll

do report that their best sex or their most drive comes when they're on vacation because they don't have the stressors of the dishes in the sink and work. And so I think that this is really like a you thing, how can you such a create scenarios where you are gonna feel turned on, where you are gonna feel your best self? And so maybe it's making plans or date nights

or getting out of the house and doing things with them, seeing them at a party with all your friends and like being out in public and then coming back together at the end of the night, putting things in place that are gonna make you feel the most aroused and the most turned on by him and by yourself. The other thing about is like sex to get sex.

So when you, you know, if you masturbate, do you think sexy things, do you gotta keep our pilot like lit? Cause once it goes out, it's really hard to get it back again. You know, it just takes a little bit more work. It's like going to the gym, like you can go every day and you feel amazing, but then you stop for a week and you're like, oh God, this is so painful.

You know, maybe it's like, you know, doing our yes, no, maybe list on the website and you guys together, even though I know he's down for everything, but really finding one thing, like, oh, you want to tie me up? I've wanted to be tied up. And then you go out and get some bondage gear and you get a hotel room for a night

or you go somewhere out of your house and you create a scenario that creates new, like synopsis firing around your sex life. You want to get a different pattern going that's like out of this drag of the pandemic and being together. I'm just assuming that's what it is. Like you've got set in your routine and your ways.

And you know, there's always gonna be a show to watch and there's always gonna be dishes to do and there's always gonna be things like that in your life. Like I'm just gonna tell you, like if I'd shoot you kids maybe, like there's gonna be kids crying, like that's gonna be the reality. But saying like, okay, I'm in this rut now and I'm gonna try to figure out all the things

I need to do to show up, be sexual, and to feel good. Like for me, I know it's like working out, breathing before I see my partner, having a split between the end of the day and the time I see my partner, because otherwise, I'm like rolling over from work. And even though I'm talking about sex, I'm not in the most, you know, turned on space. So I need to like do certain things. I think most of us get into places where we're just not always turned on. We've got a lot of things going on.

So it's like hacking that for yourself. You'll for you, you know you need to go out and feel great. That's what you're gonna need. So you need to start collecting this data right now. And that's gonna change. It could change in a few years, but right now, even if you just know a few things that you need

to feel like you are a sexual being that you're gonna start to like stoke your own desire and arousal again. I used to get glam all the time. I used to like get dressed up before I even saw him. And that's probably what happened on the trip. I got dressed up every day. Even if it's like an everyday glam, it probably is just like my little routines and to be totally transparent. I feel like even my masturbating has gotten really efficient for lack of a better work. This is all such good information and honestly I've been the same boat.

I work from home like I was like I have to start putting clothes on like I'm going to put my shoes on and put pants on. I'm going to leave in the middle of the day because it's so comfortable and then I don't feel at all. I didn't want to see people. So I don't want to see my partner. So I'm in the same boat. I think a lot of people are.

I've been like wondering. It's just really hard. It takes effort. Before I used to get glam for work, and now I really need to get glam for my partner. And for myself. Yeah, because you're going to start to feel good too. You realize that once you do it and once you get glam again,

you're like, oh, yeah, I feel good. I've made the effort, right? And then for your partner too. Because yeah, he probably loves you however you are, but I'm sure when you make the effort, it's like, oh, look at you. It's just we want to see our partner in different light. Mm-hmm.

Definitely. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. It was so good to talk to you. I appreciate you calling in. Let me know how it goes. I just want to say that. Remember when people say sex takes work,

it always bumps me out. Because people don't want sex to be work. It's just to be so amazing all the time. Well, why would you say it's an exercise? Sex takes some consciousness. Sex takes some mindfulness. Takes some intention to be a great lover to your partner, to yourself.

So just once we all know that, we know there's some things I have to do here to show up sexually. It's not always going to be so easy, but that's okay. I think that we all agree that sex is an important part of being healthy overalls. So try to think about like what do I need to show up as the strongest, most intimate, most passionate sexual being and then do some of those steps. You're going to see that it's going to change your sex life and change your attitudes for sex and certainly enhance your relationship with yourself and your partner. We have Abby 31 in Virginia. Thank you so much for calling. Tell me what's going on. So I am newly engaged, which I'm super excited about. We've been together for about two and a half years and overall really great

relationship but there's one area where I feel like we need to grow in a little bit more and that's our sex life so that's why I'm reaching out to you and I'm super excited. Great welcome to the show you came to the right place. Thank you. Yeah so at first when we would have sex it was like I would try to suggest things or you know kind of give encouraging words, move his hand in the right direction and it felt like he would get frustrated or wouldn't really take the feedback which made it really tough because everyone has different wants and desires so it was like how can we progress in this if he's not open to that. But that side has grown a lot and I feel like he's more open to suggestions. But I feel like now,

whenever he initiates, it's more so what he wants and once he gets what he wants, that's it. There's not really much foreplay, there's not much pleasure, honestly, that I'm getting out of things on my side and I'm not quite sure how to shift that. I like to assume that most of our partners want to be great lovers to us, that they did not get into relationships to say, you know what, I'm just gonna care about my needs

and not my partner. So one hundred percent, I'm sure that he's like, wants to do what he can, but we have to remember when it comes to sex specifically. Is that first, it's really hard to take feedback, especially because most people, we don't even talk about sex, right? We don't know how to share what we want. And so it sounds like he's been more open to that, but still when it comes to the execution of it, he's not quite sure what to do. And in the moment, when we are in a heightened state of arousal

and we have all our hormones are flaring and we're feeling so aroused and turned on, it's kind of hard sometimes to make rational sense to kind of be stopping and thinking, like what did she say? She wanted it and I'm really turned on right now. So let's get going. I love the compliment sandwich approach

where you are giving feedback. The bread's like two compliments and two affirmations, but in the middle there in the meat is you're giving some suggestive feedback. And so I would start by saying, you know, I've noticed like I love that when you are making these efforts, when we're together to do things for me, that's her me on, and then the feedback would be that I've noticed that sometimes there's these moments where we're having sex and I'm not quite getting what I need from you and then give him specific Steps again, you might already done that or let him know specifically what you need. Do you know what you need and what are those things? Yeah, I mean, I think more for play in general. He tends to just jump straight into it which I feel like from listening to your shows

a trend he tends to just jump straight into it, which I feel like from listening to your show's, a trend. And just, I mean, even he doesn't really want to kiss a lot or like explore the body, it's like, let's get straight to it. That doesn't really work for me. So then it turns to me not really wanting sex as much and feeling like, I'm not getting anything out of it.

So why would I want it? Which really sucks. Yes, this is very common. You listen to show it's not just a trend. It's literally what has been happening since the beginning of time. We have to understand this is also an education thing. So he needs to understand and needs to learn that for Volvo owners, the majority of Volvo owners, if you think about it this way, we are like slow cookers, right?

And if you have a penis, you're more like a frying pan. It takes us a while to get turned on, to get aroused. And we can't just go from zero to sex. If you understand the mechanics of it that we're talking about biology, physiology, you know, we're talking about, this is just the way like you, you actually require it. Like for plays, not just a light suggestion, it's actually your requirement and that you don't feel aroused. Your body's not getting turned on and you won't be ready to go unless these things happen.

You can even ask them. I've noticed, I know we've talked about this before and the last thing I wanted to be in the ag. But can you let me know, what happens in the moment? Let's break it down. What could I do to help you here? If it doesn't happen again, and I want you not to get frustrated, Abby, because this might take another time.

You might have talked about it tonight and then talked about it in a week from now or a month from now. I just, it takes just again, a long time to build a new habit. So if I'm guiding him in the moment slightly, just moving him, his hand somewhere, he doesn't get offended, but he kind of does. I feel like it's an ego thing, maybe, where it's like, he doesn't feel like he's doing something right, and then he'll get worked up about it. Do you have any suggestions on that? First, I would say when you're talking to him, I would say, you know what babe, I want

to tell you this. I would look in his eyes, I would be touching him, maybe the time. However, you feel the most intimate, say babe, I want you to know that I've noticed sometimes when this happens, I put your hand away, that how I experience it is that you get a little frustrated at the moment. You can tell them because you make this sound or you do this, maybe he's got this like reaction when he does this thing with his eyes and you're like, oh, that's his frustrated. But maybe it's not at all. And you can say, I just want to check that because that I don't feel as comfortable making them move. So can you just tell me is that still frustrating to you and let them say like yes or no, maybe it doesn't notice it, do something else.

And I think it's the way you do it, maintaining context, smiling, like connecting. So staying connected while you're doing it. I feel like I've gotten to a point where maybe I am getting a little frustrated because I feel like I just don't know what else to do. And I don't want to be that way. I mean, if we're gonna be a minute.

Let me just go back to one thing that you said. You're like, everything's great. We're getting married. I'm so happy. But there's this one thing. It is not just a little thing. It's not just like you leave the suckers on the floor. I mean, this is sex.

And this is a much bigger thing because there might be reasons why he, usually the problems with sex are not just one thing. Like the conversation's going to help. But maybe there is something that happened to him when many men are taught to be like, I gotta be in charge, I gotta know what I'm doing sexually and if someone gives me feedback that I'm less of a man.

Like my penis just shrank and I'm a terrible person if I'm not being the greatest lover right now, right? So it's ego, it's shame, we don't know what it is for your partner, but this is why, like if you guys can just get down to it, be like, let's just talk about this because I want us to like, let's get through all of this stuff of what it might mean and like learn to be incredible lovers to each other.

Awesome. Well, I'm excited. I hope it works out. I am too. I'm excited for you too. I think you're on for some important information. So, I would love to know how it goes. I feel good about this. I feel like he's probably going to be able to listen in a way that maybe before he just felt shame. Yeah, I hope so. Why not figure all this stuff before you walked on the aisle? And I can't tell you how many people I hear from a year.

If you're married for 10 years, 15 years, my partner doesn't like this. Not only, but we could have figured this all out before we got married. You know, and I know you love him, but this stuff is not just a, oh, in the sex. This is like a huge part of your relationship because when couples don't work this stuff out and they stop having sex and the resentments build and they become roommates, roommates without the sex. So not the good kind of roommates. Not the satisfying kind of roommates. Yeah. And actually he's coming home right now. I see him going to drive me to. Oh my god. Well, I would do it. Let him know. Let me know how it goes. Good luck to

you, Abby. You got this. Go to speak from the heart. You guys, I would do it. Let him know. Let him know how it goes. Good luck to you, Abby. You got this. Go to speak from the heart. You guys, I love the idea of premarital counting therapy, whatever you got before you are committing to somebody to marriage, to spend the rest of your life with them to wake up next to this person every single morning, go to bed to them every single night. Don't you want to understand who they are? Do you have the both same values? Do you both commit to talking about intimacy and sex?

I think when people get married, they feel like it's harder to do, so why not find out Do you have the both same values? Do you both commit to talking about intimacy and sex? I think when people get married, they feel like it's harder to do. So why not find out who this person is? Are you on the same page? I don't think it's ever too soon to get some help with understanding how you guys are gonna communicate and go forward

and understanding how you both feel about your sex life. Do it now. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily.

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