Sex With Emily - Mismatched Sex Drives, Shagging Sober and The Importance of Listening with Adam Ferrara

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

Did you grow up with a loud family? So did today’s guest. Adam Ferrara is a comedian, actor and recovering loudmouth. He and I talk about how important it was for his marriage to learn to listen. We get into control issues and the work required to undo the damage caused by childhood trauma.Before that, I take a call from a young woman who has great sex when she’s tipsy but wants to find that same fun mentality without a drink. Another woman wants to know why she can squirt with one partner but not others. I also talk to Brooke from Pennsylvania who needs help getting comfortable receiving oral from her husband. All of these issues are more common than you’d think. Don’t miss the lively discussion with my team about what to do with your sex toys after a breakup!For more information about Adam Ferrara, visit: adamferrara.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking with comedian and actor Adam Ferreira about how important is to listen to your partner and how to learn to do that. Plus I'm answering your questions like who keeps your sex toys after a breakup, how to get into the right headspace to receive oral sex and a whole bunch more. Thanks for listening. It's a pandemic it's like this, I was Like I'm in a whole bunch of Nevada, honey. They don't have an attempt to shelves. There's no organic brand flicks.

You're just gonna have to push it out on your own. That's a good way to slice it. You could be like, I'm gonna be way better. You wanna even remember using these toys on her so that is another way to take it. After, you know, maybe having a few glasses of wine at night, it's much better. There's more dirty talking. There's more like, I'm more open to anal stuff.

It's just seems better. And I'm wondering how to get that confidence without alcohol. What should is a trigger, too? You know what it's terrible? I should punt you when you're frigging mouth. I should. Yeah. Don't shit all over yourself.

They say. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a vigilness. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, I'm talking with comedian and actor Adam Ferra about his marriage,

masculinity, working through childhood trauma, but he's funny. He's entertaining. I loved our interview. See, Adam grew up in a very loud household. Everyone shouted. And since beating his wife, he had to learn how important it is to hold off on the shouting, you know, just for a few minutes and actually listen to what his wife has to say. And he does sound familiar. We have to learn. You know, actually, this is what life is about. We need to unlearn all the patterns

from our childhood or from watching our parents that were unhealthy. And then when we're with somebody, we get to learn a whole new pattern because sometimes the stuff that we bring in from our early conditioning doesn't work. So just look at it like a whole new opportunity. We also talk about it. Adam deals with his anxiety. I mean, come on, do we all have anxiety these days or what? I mean, I've actually always thought we all had a little bit of anxiety. And lately, there's actually been more studies showing that, yep, kids have more anxiety, adult have more anxiety, you know, welcome to 2020.

Before that, for the interview with Adam, I also take some calls from listeners. So one woman called me, she's been having a lot of great and amazing sex lately, but the problem is she's drunk so much so that her question was, well, how do I have sex sober? I like this question. Have you ever been there?

It's a pattern. Again, it's all conditioning. How do I have sex sober? I like this question. Have you ever been there? It's a pattern. Again, it's all conditioning. I also talked to two different people who need some help sorting out their different sex drives with their partner. Have you ever dealt with this before? I mean, listen, I think it's fair to say

that most people are gonna encounter this. Someone in the relationship is going to want sex more than their partner. Maybe your partner is going to want sex more than you do. Maybe your partner wants sex every day, you want it once a week. How do you deal with that? Well, wherever you're at in this conversation, I'm going to give you tips to help make that conversation, go a lot better, be more positive. And one, where you and your partner come out with a resolution and you feel more aligned. I mean, isn't that what we want?

A lot of this is just great communication skills. First up, I answer an email from Eric in Pennsylvania who doesn't know what to do with all of his sex toys after a breakup. And this was a great discussion. What would you do? So, I'm going to answer this email from Eric 37 in Pennsylvania. I love this topic. I was ready to ask if it's okay for a guy to have sex toys from a previous relationship

when starting a new relationship. Historically, I've never had a problem bringing toys into a relationship, but would throw away the one or two things I accumulated at the end. I've been listening to your show religiously the last couple years, and your recommendations have led to me expanding my purchases. I've purchased many of your sponsor items and highly reviewed items. The womanizer, the Wevibe, the duo, glass dildos, underbed restraint system, glass dildos for temperature play, God sounds like my bedroom. Okay, and I'd hate to throw them all away as I've invested a bit of money in them. And we just had

a repurchasing them later. Could you take an informal poll of your girlfriends and how they'd feel if a man weren't a new relationship and pulled out toys? I've had females pull out toys in previous relationships and never had an issue, but I'm not sure if it's different being the one it's used on. I just want to see if it'd be strange, to turn off unacceptable if a man did this.

I could think of a few previous girlfriends who would shutter the thought and others who would not mind it all. I was wondering if there's a consensus. Hygiene wouldn't be an issue. I use an actual toy cleaner when dream of using anything that was less than sanitary. Thanks for any insight you may offer. I love your show and all your great tips. All right, Eric, such a great question because there's a little bit of a double standard here. I'm going to say it. And I want to hear from you guys from my team here, but also my listeners. How would you feel if someone used toys from a previous relationship, Triple 8, 947, 8277? So if I wasn't

doing this show and this wasn't my expertise, I understand why. And I've heard this from friends. They're like, Oh, he brought out a toy and he already had a toy. And what does it mean? Now, this was years ago. That someone said that I remember. She was like, oh, he brought out a toy and he already had a toy. And what does it mean? Now, this was years ago, that someone said that I remember, she was like, oh my God. And then he pulled out a toy. And I don't know where that toy has been. And why did he have a toy? But here's the thing. I'm going to say this.

I want to say this. I think it's totally fine to use a toy that you've used in something else. I mean, you got like a thousand dollars worth of toys there, Eric. And I just think it has to be hygienic. Yes. You have to have a talk with your person before that and just say you're really into these toys and you like turning woman on and and that's their clean and all that stuff because I do think that is a thing. And

I remember one time I mean I yeah no one's ever questioned me and said, did you ever use that penis ring on another guy? Maybe they're thinking it, but they don't question me on it. And so just make sure that they're clean, but I think it's like, it's not like yours has to spend 200 dollars on a toy and throw it away. I remember one time I left all my toys, many toys in all of them,

because I would be crazy. Maybe like five toys in a guy's house, just remember this that I broke up with, and it wasn't the best breakup. And he shipped me all the toys, but like wrapped up in a in newspaper with red tape around it and just sent them back to me on my toys. I'm like, all right, dude, thanks.

You could've used them once, I'm one I wouldn't care, but he sent them back to me. But I don't know, what do you guys think? Would you care about that? Would you use toys? And also, another thing it brings to mind, what do you do with the stuff you get from an ex? Like, what if they got you a great gift?

I know that I have a drawer for like jewelry and stuff that people have gotten me. And I don't wear it, but some of it's nice, and it's kind of keep it. I also keep every letter I've ever received from someone or email or note, birthday card. But I like that stuff. I'm sentimental. Even if I'm never gonna see them again,

it's part of my history. What do you guys think? What do you do with stuff that you get in a relationship after you break up? I don't know. I mean, I feel like at this point in my life, I just keep it. Like, I just, it's in a place.

It's not mixing with other stuff, but I have a fun enough. I have a jewelry box that a guy gave me that has my initials on it, like probably 20 years ago. And I have like rings and things that gave me. And I just, I don't know if to me that's my history in my life. I like to have that stuff. So that's how I feel about it.

But what do you do with all the stuff? Okay. My assistant says no, hard no, on toy reuse with a new partner. But what if it's clean? What do you just throw away a $200 toy? I feel like it's bad juju if you're bringing it into a new relationship. But maybe that's just maybe superstitious. Yeah, maybe.

What if you like lit some sage around it or something? That could work. What if you did a ritual? What if you put it out during the new moon or something? You could try that. Yeah, no, I get it. And the natural impulse is that it's wrong because it's so intimate.

I guess this is a tricky one. But yeah, you were lingerie. I've worn lingerie with a certain person and then wear it again, you know. But I know that this is not widely held. I mean, I'm just trying to get you all to feel comfortable with toys, right? I'm just trying to have all you realize that it's a it's a good thing to try something new and try something different in your relationship. But I'm not saying, you know, I just think what a waste of the all that stuff away. I feel like you don't need to lead with the fact that it's from an old relationship. You know what I mean? But I think if a guy whips out something, a deal though, that you, if you were not somebody

who was understood that like toys can be clean, what do you think, Amanda? I was seeing a guy and he pulled out a sex toy. I would want to know, I would immediately want to know if it came from. If he bought it specifically for me or if he had, it was from an ex-partner. But I'm an anxious attachment style, so I have jealousy issues. So really, okay, so you would not be, okay, so it wasn't even about hygiene, it was more like, now this person's energy, like what Nikita's saying, like it's bad,

you have someone else's vagina on it in this. I get it, I understand that. I wouldn't be able to, then I would kind of have it in my head of them using it with each other. And I would know that they had used it on each other. Yeah. No, you're right.

I got it. I mean, people who are into like kinky or like BDSM and they have all their like bondage and all their toys, like this is something, but I think it's a lifestyle. And I think if you were into this stuff, you would just kind of know, but I know what you're saying. Like you're like, that is not only like,

it's not like having their shirt or something else. It's like a toy that was in a very intimate place. And maybe this is something to show me, but I think it's okay if it's my toy. Like a same. That's an exception. Yeah, no, I know. I mean, the thing is, yeah, you'd

want to see it come out of the box. You'd be like, show me that it came from a box and you just bought it for me. Because you're right, we still have, even though we know that people we've been with, have been with other people, it's like the history's right in your face with this vibrator that you know there was another vagina in the place

that you're in and it was you. So I mean, I'm not there. We're talking through. I get why that is awkward. But he's got all these great toys. What is Eric going to do? Literally. If he's got all those toys, he's a thousand dollars worth of toys, at least.

So I'm away or just find a partner and be like, listen, I put them. There's something called the UV, which we haven't talked about in a while, but it uses UV light. You plug it in, and it kind of looks like a little mini dishwasher, and it actually cleans your toys. It stores and cleans and sanitizes them. It's pretty awesome. I have some of the office for my team if you guys want some.

But it's a really cool, you can also wash your phone and enter jewelry, your makeup brushes. But the point is, if it's clean, it doesn't, maybe it's a really cool, you can also wash your phone in the interjulary, your makeup brushes. But the point is, if it's clean, it doesn't, maybe it's still just about, I know this was, I'm thinking, not only am I jealous, for example, but I'm thinking about that person right now, like, they're vulvas in my face, essentially.

Yeah, I'm wondering if maybe this guy had a conversation with his partner first, and was like, look, I'm wondering if maybe this guy had like a conversation with his partner first and was like, look, I collect, I have a lot of sex toys just because like it's something that turns me on with that, like be something you were interested in doing together and then so he like made it a conversation about their relationship and didn't just like without, without a surprise. Maybe that's great. You know, that's exactly it Amanda. Yeah, would you say, Nikita? I'd like to lead in almost like a disclaimer.

You need it. And you need to talk about it. Like, yeah, something that's really central to my arousal and to my turn on fantasy of mine is I love getting women off and playing with under better strengths and toys. And I have a great collection. I would love to give you so much pleasure. Would you be, are you down with that?

And then, you know, she could think about it, she could let it know. And then when it happens, maybe she'll be so turned on in the moment, she won't really be thinking about what the toys came from. Because to your point, a man that, yeah, I could see that, like, oh, this is the other girl you're with. But I'm thinking about my experiences. Like, I mean, I just know guys I'm with, if I go on with someone next week, like, I know he was probably having sex with someone

a week ago, a year ago, like, he's had other partners besides me. So, I don't know. If I don't know anything, what is history? It's a new thing and we're dating. And, you know, I think it's just like, I like to these, you know, personally, these into pleasure.

Yeah. Sometimes, honestly, it like turns me on when like other people want to be with my partner or where like, if I know that they have like kind of a like raunchy history, I'm like, oh, and now you're now you're with me. So like, I'm the one you're with now. So I can see it from your perspective too. And then you get kind of territorial and you're like, oh, you think she was good with that sex toy. Well, wait till you see what I mean. Exactly. That's exactly it Amanda. I see that's a good way

to slice it. You could be like, I'm going to be a way better. You want to even remember using these toys on her. So that is another way to take it. You're right. And they are with you in that moment. But do you wanna hear a man about their previous sex, like what they've done? This is interesting. You ask me that because sometimes I do.

Like there was one time when I was at a party and my boyfriend was DJ and he was getting, like he was getting a lot of attention from girls. And so that night, I dressed really cute and I was getting a lot of attention from other guys. And I was, it was, I didn't make me jealous, it was a turn on. So it's something that I've been investigating because I do kind of like hearing about my ex's past

because it makes it elevates his like hot commodity-ness. If that makes any sense. Yeah, knowing that he was desirable and somebody else had wanted him before. But then when does the jealousy come in? When do you get jealous? I think I get jealous when it's like there's an emotional, like when I feel like there's like still like some emotions left behind, like if you see us a picture of his

ex on social media and he like has like an emotional response to that, that's that like makes me more jealous than hearing about like his sexual history. Yeah, no, I think that that is so true and that is so commensurate with all the studies that come out that like women typically in a relationship are I think you know, honestly, I don't even believe in this as a gender thing. But for many of us, if we hear about there's an emotional attachment or they can't get still get, can't get over it or there's something like that. We get way more jealous.

Or I've been in relationships where there's been jealousies when there's been a discrepancy. Like there's something happen where they said they didn't see their acts or they did or there was a lying. There's something happen where they said they didn't see their acts or they did or there was a lying. There's some reason to not have trust. So if there was even a little bit, then it just sets it, you know, or yeah, they're like, oh, I couldn't get over her for two years. And then he's like, and here's the deal though I used to.

And are you be like, get the fuck up. Yeah. I was a deal though of the X that you can't get over. Yeah. It seems like it's a situational thing. Yeah, it is situational. Wow, yeah, jealousy is what about stuff from an X Amanda? What do you do?

With the things that you do with things when you break up with someone? This is probably not good advice, but I procrastinate on dealing with it by giving it to my friends. So, for example, my ex made me this beautiful wood mural. He made me this beautiful wood art that is huge, and I couldn't get rid of it because it was so gorgeous, and it wasn't like a piece of jewelry, I couldn't hide it anywhere.

So I called upon some of my girlfriends, and they kept it for me like a piece of jewelry. I couldn't hide it anywhere. So I called upon like some of my girlfriends and they kept it, they kept it for me for a while, but then like eventually I had to get it back. And that was like, I still have it. It's under my couch now. I don't want to do it with it. Give it, would you give it back to him? Ah, I don't think he'd want it.

I think he's the kind of guy who would take that as an insult. Yeah, really? Okay. Maybe he can't rid of it then. Now that to me might be, that's a big pee. I had that from a guy once. He painted a picture of me, and it wasn't a very good picture of me. And it was like a naked picture too.

And I was like, what do I do with this? I think I finally gave it away. But yeah, if you're thinking about it, and it was not a good relationship, maybe you're going to give it away. I know. I do remember though, when I was growing up, my mom had this beautiful futon and we would always hang out on it and I found out as a teenager that I was from her ex-boyfriend. Yeah, and then how'd that feel? It's a couch. It's fellow is comfortable.

Let's talk about Emily Forteen Colorado. She's got some comments about previously used toys. If a new partner whipped out toys and used with an old partner, what do you do, Emily? Tell me everything. Well, I thought what you were talking about that was really interesting was the difference between I really like toys and I want to use them on you and these are mine. Versus these are mine with an X. Yes.

I think it's different who it belongs to. Is it my toy or is it something you bought as a present to use with someone else? Yes. Whether or not it's a toy that's just a very weird thing to say. Yeah, I guess you're right, Emily, so what you're saying is you couch it is like, I'm really in a turning you on. I have a really great collection of toys. Would you be into that?

Don't mention the acts. Don't mention anything. Yeah. That's it. Well, I didn't see because I guess if you think about it in terms of it belongs to me, like I like this. this is mine. I think that's the difference. Yes, it's the same.

The toy's always been mine, not mine with him, mine for me that I use with him. Right, but I agree with you. That is the way to know. That makes so much sense. But if he's got like a zil dildo that only goes inside of a vagina or a literal toy and he doesn't have a clitoris. That's interesting. That's what I'm talking about.

Like he's got like the womanizer which is like you know like a clip, it's for the clitoris. It's a clearly. I mean you could use it on your show, but that's not why he got it. So I think it's just the language. Yes. Okay, it's what the catch to it. Right. Yeah, and I don't think you're gonna be whipping

out your toys to use for someone else if you're still attached to your ex. It's like they say in your dishes, they probably ate at your house to be the dishes in the dishwasher. You're not thinking about that chicken you had with them that night. You're like, now we're having another round.

I mean, I get toys are more intimate believe me, but I think that's a good way to frame it Emily. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, of course Emily, super helpful. I think Eric's gonna get to help you find. Thanks Emily. You know, so Eric, to answer your question, yeah, just tell you how to get your into it. And I think all of us, when you want to talk to a new partner about something you want, remember this. You don't want to lead with this would be, you know, you know, all the things, like I want to put threesome

and can we use toys? Like I think you always get a couch and like, I want to see you turn it on. I want to give you pleasure. I think this would be happy because you would have this kind of reaction or orgasm or pleasure. And I think when all of us want to hear that it's more about us, right, or that our partner wants something for us rather than, you know, I got these with my ex. reaction or orgasm or pleasure. And I think when all of us want to hear that it's more about us, right?

Or that our partner wants something for us, rather than, you know, I got these with my acts. And here they are in my nightstand. You know, no, just be confident and tell him what it's about. All right. More calls and my conversation with comedian and actor Adam Ferra after this quick break. Let's talk to Inanana, Ms. She-Mell, 24 in Washington. Hi, how you doing?

Hello! How can I help you, sweetie? What's going on? So, I have been eating this guy for a while and we're having pretty good sex, but when we have sex after maybe having a few glasses of wine at night, it's much better. There's more dirty talking, there's more like,

I'm more open to using different toys, more open to anal stuff. It just seems better. And I'm wondering how to get that confidence without alcohol. Such a great question. You know, a lot of us use alcohol or drugs to give us sort of this confidence because it lowers your inhibitions.

But lowering your inhibitions isn't necessarily mean that you're having better sex or that you're even more intimate. It's sort of like this cloak that we wear over ourselves to make us feel, you know, we think it's making us more connected with somebody. And it's really just practice. I have to tell you that it's a matter of knowing that you can without the alcohol and you maybe even stating it with your partner. Like, does your partner drink a lot too? No, it's just some evenings we'll have a few drinks. And we find that we're more adventurous and

we come away from the experience, but like taking away really good things, but it's hard for me to like look at that same toy that I might have used while a bit tipsy and say, oh, okay, I'm okay with that, you know? Yeah, it's a practice. Like, here's the thing, we typically use alcohol or whatever

to kind of make it safe. We use it for confidence building, but there's so many, like I feel a lot of people who actually got in sober and they're like, God, you know, they like at first like, how can I have sober sucks? It's gonna be terrible.

It's gonna be so hard, you know, and then you realize it, oh, it's actually better because I'm present and I'm mindful. So, but it is a practice. Do you think you could try to do it without alcohol? And then I would have you visualize how the sex is gonna go down beforehand. Like, for example, do you have a fantasize or masturbate?

Yeah. Okay, awesome. So what might be helpful is the next time you're fantasizing, you're masturbating, think about the next time you're going to be together and what's going to happen. Okay, I want you to think about he comes in the door, he's addressing you, you got your toys out, and then plant, like, feel it, plan it, think about it.

And then once you kind of have a plan in your head about what you want to happen, I mean that's how we like manifest everything is actually having when we visualize what we want. So that's just one way so you like I have a plan, I have something to look forward to and I know how this sex is going to happen. But the only thing I can tell you about, you know, do you drink a lot? Like do you think that alcohol is a challenge in your life or you're just saying during sex, you tend to drink more? To be honest.

I think it was just, it's definitely not a problem. I don't drink that much. And so when I do it affects me quite a bit, same for him, if we just have sex after having a few glasses at night, then it's like, it's a different experience. Yeah, it's a different experience. Now I understand that.

I think a lot of us have been through that. So my exercise for you, because the confidence thing too, right? Like we think that alcohol is giving us more confidence and we feel much more assertive and we can kind of do anything and then you have like a hangover and you kind of end up feeling worse

because the alcohol is a depressant. So again, what this is gonna come back to is you when you're self loving, masturbating in your house, doing your thing, start to work on your own pleasure. And in fact, that is the most empowering thing in the world. Like a woman who knows what feels good and knows what you want and that's also a practice. So like the alcohol has become a practice right now. Like, I'm having sex, I'm going to have a few drinks, and I'll feel better. And so, the flip side of that would be you being mindful, and a few times a week saying,

I'm just going to, like, masturbate, I'm going to explore, I'm going to think about this experience, I'm going to feel into my body, what it feels like, because then that becomes your habit, too. Because then, when you don't have alcohol, then you become, you find this amazing thing that you actually become more in touch with your body, and enjoyment, and what feels good to you, rather than more of like a numbing. And so yeah, I mean, it is a practice, but I just know this from so many who have stopped using alcohol or drugs that it's a little, you know, like anything, you know, learning anything new,

it might be a first, you're like, oh, I can't do it. And then you realize, oh, wait, this is so much better because I'm actually my entire body, my spirits engaged in this moment. So you have it in you. So the alcohol you're telling yourself,

you need that. But now you know what that looks like. Think about what you actually want when you're not drinking and then it'll just become a new pattern in your brain that you can create in the moment without alcohol. Awesome. Yeah, I'm gonna try that. Well, let me know how it goes. Okay, I'm here for you every night.

You can call me back and let me know. Thank you. Of course, I'm here for you. So here's one from Ashley, 227 in Canada. Emily, I recently just got up in nine-year long-term relationship and started having sex with a new partner. After the first few times of having sex, I squirted for the first time ever in my life.

Needless to say, I was just as surprised as my partner. I was so embarrassed and caught of guard. My question is, why is it I can score with one partner and not the other? I love your show. Thanks in advance. So that's one supporting question I get asked, and it's really just a matter of how you are being stimulated. It's about being a rouse and turned on for women. It's about, you know, making sure that you are aptly like your clitoris is played with. Maybe you already have an orgasm. You're getting all the blood-rushing tear-entire genital area.

And then the squirting can come from internal stimulation, so it's either with a penis, a dildo, a finger, and it's a repeated pressure internally on those nerve endings. And that is when the squirting can happen. So it could also be about the angle of your last partner. Maybe there was a certain angle that he was at, that he was, you know, it's sort of like you're changing

the angle so you're your re-thra. It's sort of much easier for the fluid to be expelled. Now, yes, it is fluid that is stored in your bladder, but it's called the skin's gland, because I know you're all wondering if it's pee. I say why the hell doesn't matter, but there are some traces of urine, but it is not urinating.

It is a release of fluids that comes from this deeper repetitive penetration and it has to do with positioning. It has to do with your arousal. So the more aroused you are, the more likely you are to expel fluids, squirt, female ejaculate. Let's talk to Brooke 45 in Pennsylvania. Hi, Brooke. What's going on? Hi. How can I help you? Sorry, this is not a question about sporting. No, I just, I needed to announce it quite a week, but I'm done. Tell me everything.

I have a rare quiet moment to myself. And I wanted to talk to you about a big picture issue. I have one parent who passed away and another ailing parent that I'm sharing for a lot. I have a great husband, partner. We have a decent sex life. He's extremely. He is a very high sexual appetite. I don't but I try to keep up. But I think my biggest overall question and I feel like maybe you can help me is that

I often feel, is a right way to put this, not that like, do I not deserve the pleasure, like to get to a place where getting pleasure, receiving pleasure, and getting psyched up to be sexual to have that enjoyment and have that part in your marriage is not a chore, not something that shouldn't

be in the forefront when the other stuff just constantly feels so much heavier and such much more of a weight that it pulls you in that direction versus at the end of the day wanting to rip your partner's clothes off. We just don't do. I want that fire and I want it for my partner because he's amazing and he's great and I feel like when we do get in a good group or marriage is a million times better. Right, but you just got to get there. What do you have in your good advice? I do, brokwell. First off, you probably had it before. Right? Like you had it at the beginning of the relationship, right?

I mean, we must have, I honestly, I have a hard time remembering, and I sadly do fantasize the decent amount about an older boyfriend that is very passionate sexually, but a bad relationship. Right. Super common. Like all my friends who are like your age broke are like, yeah, it's fine. You go back to the last partner because you want your craving variety right now.

You also need to learn. I heard that pizza comment. Pizza sex. You're having pizza sex every night. So I told my husband that and then we didn't have pizza sex the other night. It was great. Good.

You know what? It's a habit. It's finding out how you can have time. It's hard with tweens and COVID and everyone's home and you're parents sick and I'm sorry about that. It is a lot of stress. But I want to tell you, Brooke, this is so common that women, we beat ourselves up

for so many things, right? We should be, we should all over ourselves. I should be turned on and I should be wanting sex and I should, I should, I should. Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing about a rousal and desire. It doesn't just hit us over the head, like we think it should.

Oh, I'm always in the mood. I'm gonna want to, we unfortunately, brook, it's another thing that we have to prioritize. But it doesn't even have to take a lot of time. It just needs to take a little bit of planning and carving time out in your week, in your day, where you are like giving yourself time or with your partner, you're like clearing space because it's really hard to switch from A to B like the kids and your parents in the home and then I'm ready for sex.

It's like giving yourself that time to be a rouse, to be turned on. So you know I'm gonna talk about self pleasure because continuing to do that, because sex begets sex, the more you have orgasms, the more you're gonna want them. But also like letting your partner know what you need from him, like when, like have you gotten

a babysitter lately, have you been able to have a date night, have you gotten out of the house together? Have you gotten out of the house together? Have you gotten out of the house apart? Have you had any time to yourself in the last few months? Because then there's no space to even create that energy with him, you know? I mean, we can leave our kids alone for a while, that's not a good deal, but he won't sex every day.

And I never feel like I need it, want it, even though once we get into it, I'm enjoying it and he does a nice job on me. I'm always happy and satisfied, but I never feel like, oh, I'm in the mood. I'm, we're doing it later. Right. No, I'm in the mood. I'm worried you wanna fix it. Right. No, I know. And this happens, Brooke. And so just knowing that about yourself, this is why you got to schedule it.

You got to be like, we are having sex on Saturday and Wednesdays. And then on Saturday night, you have a chance to look forward to Saturday night. You do what you do, you shave your legs, you move, you master it beforehand, you make sure the kids are gone and you plan it out. Because right now, the pressure that you're gonna come home

over here, you see your husband every day and he's gonna want sex, is also contributing to your anxiety around it. So if you can even talk to them about it, be honest and say, I'm trying to find out ways that I get really aroused. I mean, you might need a 10 minute back rub and that might calm your nervous system so you

actually can feel into your body. You can breathe into it. I mean, when we're not, when we're just switching from one stressful thing to another, it's all about giving your, that's why we love vacation sex, because we're relaxed. We're away from home. We're not having the same stressors, so I'm throwing out all these things, too, because it's like something it has to shift in you. And then you can, like, it could just be a 10 minute, you know, give me a massage or

I need to plan it, but we can't do it any other day. Does any of this resonate with you, Brook? Is there any of it that you think you could take one thing away and try? It's a... Yeah. And as you're saying it, like, there been times where yes, we went through things like that and try certain things and they do work better. Yeah, and ironically, ironically, he doesn't like the concept of scheduling it, even though I tell him it's the best thing for me because he feels like it takes the fun out and there's no spontaneity and then

if I schedule it and something happens and it doesn't happen that night he feels let down and then doesn't think that the next scheduled one will happen either. We got Raina Collin. She's 52 in South Carolina and she's got a comment for Brooke so Brooke keep holding and we're going to talk to Reina for a second. Hi Reina. Thanks for calling. Hello. How can we help? This is a large problem in my household. I'm 52 and I still have great sex drive and we've been together for six years and his Hey, it's just like she said. I don't care if we have sex And his case is just like she said, I don't care if we have sex ever. I'm content.

But when we have it, it's fine, everything's good. But I wanted to talk to her from my standpoint of the one who's not getting it or wallset. It is horrible. It's rejection, it's an argument, and Emily, I think you said it a while back. It's your only problem, but then it becomes everything. Yes. And it is awful. And I mean, I've contemplated leaving over this.

And so if I would just say to her, if he doesn't want to schedule it, you schedule it in your own mind and surprise him twice a week and jump his bones, I mean, just go after it and do it. Right. You make a change to your parents in a relationship. It really does. People think that everything is great but the sex, but what I say is that when sex is a problem in the relationship, it's 90% of the problems.

If it's not a problem, you don't think about it. But, well, thank you, Reina, because I'm telling you, you're right, and we got to schedule it, even if it's not sexy or it doesn't feel hot, but you're right, there is that rejection thing. But I'm going to ask you, and then I got to go broke, because we only have a few minutes, but have you talked to him about it? Have you talked to him problem solved? We have talked about it so many times.

And so what you just said to her earlier about, we've talked about the scheduling because I heard you say that. And he's like, I don't want to schedule it because if it doesn't happen, you'll be mad. So we've talked about it an awful lot, but you told her she's just going to make it a point and do it. And just kind of run him out with him. I'm not going to make it a point to do it. And just kind of run out with him. I'm not going to be in a loveless marriage from now on today, but I just can't do it. I got to have this.

Not just the sexist, the insidious thing, the insidious thing. It's intimacy, and it's the touching, and the affection we need it. So the thing is, I get what she's saying, and I love this, because it's so true that he probably feels rejected. You don't want him. You're not taking care of it, But have you sat down with him? It had an honest conversation where you've been like, listen, let's talk about how to problem solve this. Like, I know you don't think scheduling sex is sexy. I promise you my intent will be for it to happen.

If it doesn't happen, I'll make it up the next day. But then you just try to stick with it. Like, what is great sex to you? Does he give you a massage first? Does he, you know, what, what does it look like? And then you just try. And then if it doesn't, you talk about it. You don't just ignore it because this is the problem. We don't talk about it enough. You guys could take my yes-no-maybe list at sexwithelme.com and think if there's some things that you haven't tried yet, that could turn you on. It's an effort. All right, and take a quick break, want to find out more about this? Well, check out sexwithemily.com. We'll be right back.

I'm really excited to talk to my guest. He can help too. I believe he can. Adam Ferrara, he's the host of the Adam Farrah podcast, 30 minutes you'll never get back. And it's an awesome podcast. It's so funny, I was on a few weeks ago and it's going to be coming out. You may also know him as a previous host of top gear, some people my team knew from that, or current star Y women kill and CBS.

And I just found out he's going to be in Denver doing stand up. Adam Farrah, welcome to the show. Good to see you again Emily. Thank you for having me. Thanks for the pressure. Here's another guest that can help. I can't be any help at all. Well, I just thought you could maybe be the anti-help too. Like maybe you give the opposite advice and then you allow me to sound like the expert. So either way I know we'll have a good time. How's it been going to your home doing your podcast, which I'm very excited to be on it that it's gonna air this week.

But also you're with your wife at home working, doing a podcast, living during quarantine for the last 86 years. So how's that going? Yeah. Look, it's been great to the podcast. Your episode is up this week. It's great. And my

wife is on the show with me. So now we live together. We work together and it's been a just because I usually either go on the road. I mean, to go on a road doing stand up or I'm going on the road shooting movie or shooting something. So it's like, I'm in. I'm out. So I'm actually invading my wife's home. My wife's office because she works here. So it was it was a big adjustment in every afternoon, I go for my save my marriage walk. So I just get at it house. She locked the door. Yeah, we don't come back for now.

Yeah, Emily, we got to find Apple. You what? We don't need Apple. We don't need Apple. But I go for my walk, I give her a break. She has her birds, she feeds, and the dogs, so she got her creatures in the backyard. And it's just making that space.

And one of the things we addressed on the podcast was communication and giving people space and knowing when, and the power shifting dynamic in a relationship. The best thing about my relationship is I know when my wife's crazy kicks in, this is her time, I got to get it through this crisis, I got to organize it, though it's I got to turn her look in this way, then stay out of the way until she gets the wish I got to get it through this crisis. I got to organize it. So I got to turn her look in this way, and then stay out of the way till she gets the wish and needs to get to. And she got to get to.

She got to get to me. Well, exactly. Okay, so what you just said, which I love, Adam, is that we all have our crazy. I'm going to guess, well, I actually know you've got your crazy. And just if we acknowledge that we all have a crazy and our job in a really, maybe you can't give advice at them because our job in a relationship

is to know when they need that space and then we listen. We don't try to solve, we don't talk over them, we listen and we give a spade. You're great. You're huge for me, I'm a solving, I'm like, what's the bottom line? Who do I gotta kill? What needs to be painted and where do you want this move to?

I mean, that's right. But now you listen, how did you learn that? How long did it take? You've been together a while, right? Yeah, we've been together a while, but it took a lot of yelling and screaming, because I was conditioned to growing up in New York. It's allowed, we're allowed, the guy is living in New York, even the opera's loud and it's never a happy ending.

Exactly. No one goes to the opera going, and it's never a happy ending. Exactly. No one goes to the opera going, I can't believe she lived. Everybody dies. So we were in, I was in New York and I grew up in that house. So the fact that my mother and father loved each other was never in question. My father held my mother up and he told me, he goes, when I was a kid, he goes, you want to live like a king, you treat your wife like a queen. So that's the instinct to care for someone

and to be there to help someone be a better person is always there. But the communication was just yelling. So in answer to your question, how did I learn that? I learned that the yelling wasn't helpful. I learned that the yelling didn't really, it didn't solve anything. And even the volume when you were happy was too,

it's jarring when someone didn't grow up that way. No, exactly. But that's good. Then you have to lower your voice. And then you listen. But how are you doing? You listen to, yeah. And you listen to, and she taught me how to realize that.

She's like, look, this is the answer, but you can't see it now. Lightball went off on my head. Oh, my adrenaline's too high. I can't see that this is the answer. She goes, you'll get to where you need to get to. And she trusted me to figure out what the right move would be to whatever to take that right action would be.

And I realized, oh, this time when you can hear stuff and times when you can't hear stuff. And then when I saw her do it, I'm like, ah, it's my job to point you in that direction. She mirrored it to you. It's true. This is what so many couples do. Like, well, I told them I wanted this. I did, but most people start these conversations the wrong way. You never initiate sex.

You never asked me how I'm doing. Like no one hears you, never to yell. Yeah, or never to trigger. The word should is a trigger too. Should it? You know what it's terrible? I should punch you when you're frigging mouth. That's what I could.

Yeah, don't shoot all over yourself. They say. I should, I should punch you when you're frigging mouth. That's what I could say. Yeah, don't shoot all over yourself, they say. I should, I should. I've got a lot of should. It's like a guilt thing, but you're supposed to not shoot all of yourself. I heard that. It's true, because we do that. We do it to others. We do it to ourselves.

So how has it been going at home? You're like creating content. Yeah, it's great to do something. There's a lot of energy spent on the collective project of the podcast that I do. So it's done here at the house and then we eat again. We still do a lot of things together so we're always together. But then when it comes time for me and her, it's like, come here baby, I love you so. You're done.

You're tired, so tired. We're also got the amtit. We're tired. So tired. We're also at the M-tie. We have to schedule just city. By the time we're laying a bed together, I'm holding my wife and I smell her hair. God, that's one of my favorite things, Emily. Really? Smell my wife's hair.

Oh, really? My wife's hair? Yeah. Are you more tired now because COVID, you're just home and there's not enough change, except for when you're going to get pineapple? Yes, I think I'm more tired now because I'm more mentally focused on getting things done. You know, it's not like, all right, I got to go to, like get on a gig.

I'd be on an airplane as much as you don't want to be on an airplane. It was five hours in a tube, so you could just sit, okay, regroup and everything and, and go to a show and you would regroup in a green room. There was a rhythm to the day because there was movement in the day. Now that there's no movement, the only movement is in your head. And my head is the worst place to be. So you're always-

So you're always- I'm always projecting into the future and creating anxiety and things aren't going to get done about stuff that hasn't happened yet. So I got a guard against it. So you live in the future. Do you do the past or

you mostly future trip? Yes. When I look into the future, I have anxiety. When I look to the past, I have regret. How's your day going? See, that's the condition and that is the opposite of myfulness.

Mindfulness, which is a goddamn practice and it's so hard, which is why I love radio, because right now I am live in Los Angeles sitting here talking to Adam Fara. It's a thing I am not distracted, but it's 602, try to get me to be linear, but it is hard in those future trips into the future. It's like, I guess what I've realized, and I know you meditate as well, because we've discussed this,

but you literally, it's our mind, our thoughts are not the truth. No. No one's programming us. And it's just so hard. And sometimes you're like, I'm going to be million, oh, there we go, Chip, you know, I'm in the future. And you just got to keep bringing it back, bringing it back.

Yeah. And then we have instructions. First of all, knowing that our thoughts aren't, and our thoughts aren't our identity. That was the thing. It was like, that's not me. Well, while that's everything you grew up with, those, that's the behavior of what you do.

So by me meditating, one of the big things I had to get over was surrender, just the idea of it, the concept and the word didn't fit right. But I'm not surrendering my identity or my values or anything. I'm surrendering to the idea of what I think this moment should be. Yes, the control. Yeah, oh, that's a big, I got shitloads of control issue. Well, surrender's control, it's like give up control. It's like the first step in AA, right?

Like, yeah, it's trust for me. It's control, but I think it's connected to trust. Not trusting that other people have your back or that it'll work out. Not trust in anybody. Listen, if I don't obsess, okay, so this behavior, I'm obsessed with it. Tell you what, what do you want for Christmas? A plausible deniability, I would like that. And it's wetta. I hear you.

It's so, trust and control are so deeply linked and it is from our primary caregivers. And you know what, annoys me sometimes? People are like, not annoys me, okay? This is what most people do. They're like, oh, my childhood is perfect. Yeah, maybe you had perfect parents and they were amazing, but they're still going to mess you up. You're still going to learn reactions to things. Yes.

That are because those are the only reactions you saw growing up. How would you know any different? And then our whole adult life is undoing that. Yes. Absolutely. I got married. I got married. I thought I was happy. Nothing was wrong. Then my wife had a list and she was right. Even like you said, even the communication, when we would go back to communication, it was loud. My father would yell, here's an example of the volume and the trust issues in my house.

They would scream in the yell of my father be like, and you never let anyone outside this house know what we're talking about in here. You hear me? I'm like, the windows are open and you're screaming. They know. They're everyone knows. Everybody knows what secrets are you keeping? I can't imagine your house at the holidays

that everybody just screaming. Over there. There's a lot of yelling, there's a lot of food. A lot of love in my family, a lot of love. A lot of love, a lot of love. A lot of yelling. I understand. No communication, it's loud, but no one's saying anything.

It's food, even if you play up your feelings in my house. I'm like, mom, I'm not happy. Yeah, eat, just eat, just shove it down. What about your thought, your trip and thoughts? Is this something that happens in your family? Yes, but they're not aware of it. They're not aware that that is what's happening. Just aware that this is the way the world is,

because this is the way they see it. I mean, as my father got older, and my mother got older, they're like, yeah, you know, it's be like, they didn't adhere to those beliefs so strongly, because I think because the kids were grown and we were taking care of ourselves. So the protective nature of my father was, he could relax a little bit and let go of the fear of the world, the world, protecting his family from the world that he couldn't trust. So as you got older and that responsibility, when your children are grown, kind of relaxes

a little bit. And let's say when you get older, you run out of energy too. Look, crazy exhausting. I mean, it is because you're my, yeah, you don't have to go anywhere to be exhausted from your thoughts just turning over and over in your head about what you're doing wrong, what you did wrong, what you might do wrong in the future. Yeah, and the thing that got me was it's not like one day way, like, oh, it's all over, it's a constant practice. You constantly catch yourself being in the future or thinking in the future or obsessing about something. And oh, I'm doing it again,

you have to reset. It's like even in meditation, the ultimate goal that I'm experiencing now, at the point I'm at now is observing my thoughts. But I observe him like this, I see you, you mother fucker. But see, that's good. You don't want to talk to him. Crazy. Yeah. Okay, what about the right to do? I don't talk to him, I threaten them.

Yeah, well, you could. You could have an awful name for them. You could be like, you're the asshole. Because they're not art, they're not us. Like, if you separate, I don't know why Owen doesn't tell you this. We learn such useless stuff in school. How about your thoughts aren't real, and like, here's how to do the stock market or something. Here's how to do the stock market. Yeah, that would be good. Yeah.

That would have been useful. And it's true to the stock market. You're doing comedy. Jack Blackjack table. I'm sorry. I have a question for you about comedy and stand up. Yeah, yeah. Could you do stand up too, right?

You do. I will be at the Denver Comedy works August 20, 21 and 22. I want to go to Denver. Things are open there. Yeah, it's fine. I think it's going to be a, we're open. I think it's going to be a limited audience, but it's going to be a lot of fun to be back there.

It's the club that's called Denver, it's the South Club, so it's the one out in the suburbs. And August 21-22, the comedy works. You want to go to comedy? So when you're doing stand up though, which remind you, like I was just telling you when I'm doing this show, I'm like, I can connect with people, but are you in the flow? That's right, that's where I'm the Emily, that's where I'm the most present. When I'm on stage, and I'm improving and the written material takes me to a certain level, and then when I'm improving with the audience,

no net, just me and them, everything gets this big, and I'm totally present because I can't think. I can't think, and I had that awareness my first or second time on stage, I go, I can't think, this is great. And it's just, you're a vessel. Everything is just coming through you. So that's why you love it. Yeah, that, that, and actually, on top here,

driving very fast does it too, because there's no time to think, you think. It's a thrill, it's the adrenaline. Yeah, but you're doing about 140, a car will start getting light and coming up off the frame. I did it in Superlisgera, which is a Lamborghini, I did 180, and at 140, you can feel it coming up, and any movement is magnified and poof, you're dead.

So I get that, I get more of a sustained presence doing stand up in a live audience. So there's a risk of death or I guess being in, I don't know, being embarrassed are you entertaining people so you're in flat? I don't think it's, I don't think it's in being embarrassed because that, that's a big fear. And I think part of the things that pushed me into being able to do my job and to be able to do what I can do out of the improv level is it pushed me because I went past that fear without even knowing that I was passing it I was I was I

experienced that laugh and it was like hitting a golf ball right when I was a kid on stage. I'm like And it was like hitting a golf ball right when I was a kid on stage. I'm like, this I belong here. I don't know how long it's going to last. I don't know what I'm going to, I don't know how long I'm going to be here. But this is where I need to be and I can't control it coming to me. I got to set the conditions where it can happen to me again. Yeah, you have that knowing. That's what it is when you find your passion, you find your thing.

And here's the good news for you, Adam. We were looking at this podcast trend set. It showed the trends over the last few months since COVID. And like true crime was really high and all these other things. And then it showed true crime, took a nose dive, and all the comedy podcasts were rising. So I think that the 30 minutes you'll never get back, podcast. That's great. That's the upside.

Yeah. And I've been having such a great time connecting with friends and people I didn't know. I'm gonna try to manage and never get back podcast. That's great. You're on the screen. That's the upside. Yeah, and I've been having such a great time connecting with friends and people I didn't know. I've had Nathan Lane did an episode for me. Edie Falco is a friend. I did Nurse Jackie with her

she's on Kevin James. Anthony Edwards. The goose spoke to me. It's great. I actually got to say talk to me goose to goose. You did? That's these are good talks.

So it's kind of fun from home. I mean, it's weird because we're on Zoom. Like I feel like I know you now, but we've never met in person. No, we never met in person. We were very, I think I really enjoyed talking to you. Even my editor, when I gave the interview, he said, it's an hour. We had fun. Is it hour? Is it going to be an hour?

Even though it's 30 minutes, you can't get back. Our episodes are actually a little bit longer than they usually are because I was having such a good time with you. So yeah. Oh my God, I know it was fun. We talked about a lot. We had no, we talked about like gender roles and attraction and masculinity. It talks like, I don't know.

I don't know what we said, but people might be interested. Like, you're confusion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What can you do? It's, I'll tell you the story. I went to Whole Foods.

I went to Whole Foods because I go to provide for the wife. And that's where the modern men are. That's where you leave in the fight. I have to go. I have to go. I don't have the power to buy anything. I have the power to take a picture of the ingredients, text them to her, and await further instructions

standing there in the eye. That's what I'm left with. You just have to breathe in everything. So I'm in there. I saw a guy snap Emily in the, he was in the serial aisle. He's in there, he's got the mask on, he's face timing his wife on the phone.

So he's holding up the phone and I hear him say, they don't have it, Laura, they don't have it. Look, now you can see everything I can see, all right? It's a pandemic, it's like this, I was like I'm in a whole food in Havana, honey, they don't have it, it's empty shelves. There's no organic brand flakes. You're just gonna have to push it out on your own.

Well, it is true. Those shelves can be tricky sometimes. You think you don't see it and someone else can see it on all the shelf. That's having a wife. That's wife-wise. Every time I screw, honey, it's not here. She comes up, it's right in front of me.

I know, but that's the, you're a witch. That wasn't here. That wasn't here when you just looked. Oh my God, people are losing it right now, and there is nothing in stores I find it annoying. Yeah. I get it though, because it's COVID. Yeah, but it's like it's, it's the, and this, the Zoom culture, what we're doing now is I'm still getting used to it. And there's an intrusion of other people. It does let itself do a little bit of humanity. I'll tell you what, I was talking to my shrink over Zoom, because let's be honest.

I can't be left unattended. No, I'm so glad you're still shrinking. Okay. So I'm talking to my shrink. And there's a power dynamic in that relationship, you doctor, it's very serious. You're talking about maybe some painful, maybe some stuff, a reaction you wanted to change to stimulus when you were child in a vulnerable state. So I'm sitting there and I would hear him go, and his name is Marty, my friend, and Marty's

head. Well, you know what? That just opened a door. That's in your childhood. This is the reason you felt less than your father. And the reason is, and I heard in the back, Marty, the dog shit understands again. Marty, hold on, I'm working up here. Just screaming in the mirror.

You're the therapist? Yeah, because he's like, please excuse me, and he covered the, he covered his camera, but the mic was still on, he's like, I'm working up. I'm so bad. Oh my God, right during the insightful moment. These are crazy.

These are going shit on the stairs again. Well, I would yell too. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, Adam. I love having you here. Okay, so people can find you everywhere. You're doing a lot, Adam. It's good that you're taking care of yourself, Adam. I love having you here. Okay, so people can find you everywhere. You're doing a lot, Adam. It's good that you're staying home, making more content for people and going to Denver.

Yeah, you've sent me Adam for our on all social media. Talk to me Tuesday is that if you go to my website, click the link every Tuesday at nine o'clock, Eastern 6 PM Pacific. We have a conversation with our internet family. Basically, Emily, thousands of people show up to watch my wife scold me. But thank God.

That's it. You're fun. You guys are fun, Lissy. This is the only entertainment right now. They should go listen to you and do it. You get it wherever, and you're on this week. The Emily was like, you got it wherever. I'm on this week.

We had an awesome chat. That's why I wanted to see your face again. Thank you for being here. Adam, for our final everywhere Instagram. Thank you. Thanks for being here. I will be at the comedy works August 21 and 22. It's always good seeing you best to you and your family suite.

I hope we talk soon. Thanks you too. Thanks for your time to have your wife. All right, there's so much more to talk about. So don't miss my next episode. Just subscribe to Sex with Emily right now. If you already subscribed, just take a minute to rate and review Sex with Emily. The deal is the more five star ratings we get,

the closer we're gonna get to my mission. You know my mission. Lube on every nightstand, liberating the conversation around sex. So I appreciate it, I appreciate you, thanks for doing that. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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