Sex With Emily - Mojo Makeover with Dana Myers

Episode Date: May 12, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by founder of Booty Parlor Dana Myers to talk about her new book, The Mommy Mojo Makeover, and how moms – and women in general – can reconnect to their sexual selves. They talk about how to find the “sexy” in everyday life – including gently fondling cucumbers, ways to reduce resentment – the secret, toxic relationship killer, what to do when your sex toy surprise backfires, and how to get the spark back when you’ve tried everything from sexy photos to spontaneous foreplay. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Promescent, Womanizer, Adam & Eve, JO Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by founder of Booty Parlor, Dana Myers, to talk about her new book, The Mommy Mojo Makeover, and how moms and women in general can reconnect to their sexual selves. Topics include finding the sexy in your everyday life, and that includes gently fun-ling cucumbers. Ways to reduce resentment because it's the secret, toxic relationship killer. What to do when you're sex toy surprise backfires and how to get the spark back when you've tried everything from sexy photos to spontaneous for a play? All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day.

Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between.

For more information check out sexwithemlee.com, follow us on all social media because that's always fun. It's at sex with Emily across the board Happy masturbation month. It's a big month you guys. It is my favorite month of the year So we're having a contest as we do and for this contest I want you guys to answer how has masturbation Benefitted your life and specifically your sex life. What is it done for you? Would have been the perks of having a masturbation practice? Email me feedback at sexwithendly.com

by June 7th to enter. We're gonna give some sexy prizes per usual. And we love the details. Like, I love hearing your stories. I could read your stories all day long, but it helps if you keep it on the shorter side. You know what that means. You'll know.

If it's if you think it's too long, it's probably a smidge too long. We appreciate the editing and I appreciate all of you and I appreciate my guest. I'm so excited to see Dana Myers here in the house. Hey, hey, hi, Dana. I'm so excited to be here, Emily. This is so fun. It's like a long time in the house. Hey, hey. Hi, Dana. I'm so excited to be here, Emily. This is so fun. It's a long time in the making. We've known each other for like 13 years.

And we haven't seen each other for seven. That's what it is. I figure, I think it's seven years, maybe eight years, something like that. Some thrilled to be here. Well, you look amazing. Thank you. And you are amazing.

Thank you. You can continue to inspire me. So I first met Dana. You guys know I go to all these really fun trade shows, pleasure products, sex toys, and Dana has the coolest line of products called Booty Parlor. Thank you. And it's how do you explain Booty Parlor? Yeah, Booty Parlor is like the Beauty Parlor for your love life. So it's sensual cosmetics that kind of make you feel beautiful and attractive and turned on. And then we have romantic treats.

So once you're feeling sexy, then you can go and use our massage oils and kissable body toppings to create sexier experiences. Right. And they're really, you gotta check out those, but we are not here. They're gorgeous. And they're amazing. And they're like all that sexy shimmery stuff that you want when you are feeling sexy, which hopefully is all the time.

Dana's here to help remind us how to feel sexy because Dana, since I've seen you, she's become a mom twice. Twice become a mom. Twice become a mom. And she just wrote an awesome book that it's going to, I promise you, it's going to inspire and benefit so many people. Like I want to send one to every mom I know.

And it's called The Mommy Mojo Makeover, 28 Tools to reclaim yourself and reignite your sensuality. No, reignite your relationship. Yeah, like you're legit. Yeah, well, right. So it's just coming out now. So we're just getting the title down.

But what I love about this is that the mission of the mommy and makeover is like how moms can feel like sexy again and in their bodies and want your desire sex totally. They're libido back and you've got great tips and tools and exercises for mom. So tell your story about how you came out writing this book. I came to it for Booty Parlor too, writing this book about, sure.

Bing, so you can't get a feeling good in your pocket. Well, yeah, you know, I was a founder of this sexy brand. I was doing sexy workshops for celebrities and representing this amazing product. And I was feeling really sexy in my life, I always have. Like, sex is an outlet for me, for expression and pleasure. And then I- She's like a walking sexy woman here.

Like you're serious, like yes, you make sexy things and talk sex. Well, it powers me, right? Like sexuality and orgasms are the rocket fuel that power me through life in all areas of my life. But when I had kids, I suddenly, I lost it. I lost part of myself, my identity. I felt like my sexuality was on pause, and that was really confusing to me, because I had never, ever felt this kind of loss of libido, this disconnection to that part of myself.

Right. And along with that, and the loss of personal freedom, I started being really resentful of my husband and just not being inspired by sex anymore. So I thought, well, this can't be. Like, I'm the founder of Booty Parlor. This can't happen to me. And actually, one day I was pumping and getting ready to go on a breast pumping, napping, pumping, napping, napping, napping, napping, or that's another topic for another show. Anyhow, I had 10 minutes before I was going to get on this video conference. I was trying to do a million things. I was trying to feel sexy, you know, look sexy and present this image that I wasn't feeling. And I put on my pump and I forgot to put the bottles on.

And so I just started dripping all over my own body. And I thought, this is enough. Like I cannot be distracted, pulled in a million directions, not in touch with myself, not in touch with my sexuality. And so that was this moment where I kind of drew the line in the sand. And I picked up my first book, which is the mojo makeover. OK.

And I started rereading the exercises that I had written. And I started practicing them through a mother's eyes, right? And with my new schedule and all these different things I was experiencing. And just every day, I started doing something to reclaim my sensuality. I started masturbating again. I started scheduling sex.

I started going wild with my girlfriends. I started doing all of these things to rebuild my mojo. By all the things that you knew that you intellectually should do, that you'd been teaching others to do. That's right. And probably thought, like you say in the opening of your book, which I love, you're like, I never thought that would be me.

Like, I'll be the mom who, I won't be my libido like every other mom. Like, I won't be too tired for sex. I'll always feel sexy because I'm Dana Myers. So naive. Right, right, because we were super-man. And you're like, uh, uh, want, want. But luckily you have the tools to kind of be like,

oh, I know what's possible. Yeah, and you would already written the book about it. And I just made a practice of it. And then I started sharing it with the women and my mommy and me group. And then I started workshopping it. And I thought, this works. And if you make it a practice, and you kind of look

for yourself again as essential woman, and then you bring that into your relationship, I feel like there's this idea around motherhood and sex that, like, the bad, the sexiest years are over once you have kids. And I want to blow the lid off those preconceptions. Same. And just like it. I want mothers to feel a sense of sexual entitlement. But I deserve pleasure.

I deserve pleasure. And no matter how busy I am or how stretched I am, pleasure should come first, so that I can then continue giving to everyone else around me. Because that's your fuel. Totally. It's not the being the giver, the pleaser, the mom. No.

How do you explain to women to masturbate, to make that time that they actually, that will be filling you up in ways that nothing else will by actually making time to masturbate and self-pleasure. Can we start there? Because I've got, I'm gonna hear your class. Okay, so top line, I'm a really organized person. I'm very organized with my work.

I'm very organized with my home life. And so I take that same approach to my sex life. And so every Sunday night I sit down and I do what I call mojo mapping and sex planning. And I look at my week and I go, OK, I'm going to masturbate on Tuesday morning because I know that I'm going to have the house to myself. And then on Thursday night, I'll be like, OK, we've got a sitter.

She can take the kids for ice cream. That's going to give us an hour alone in the house. And I pencil it in. We're going to have great creative sex for half an hour and then we're gonna chill for half an hour. So does your husband know this? Does he, do you guys share a Google kill? That's like a playful sexy night. Roll play, I'll be the cop.

So I do, okay, I tell him about 50% of the time because if I told him every time I planned it, I think he would think it was too staged and he might think that I was seeing it as a chore that I had to pencil and which it's not I just consider it just organized. This is this is me making it a priority because I love him and I love us and I love that Sexual connection. So to me, it's not a chore. It's a priority Right and I tell the same for women like if you tell me you don't have time to masturbate I will ask you to take one day and clock how much time you are wasting on Facebook. Just clock it, just clock it.

Right, and how much time you're numbing out, scrolling through other people's lives, Instagram or fake, I agree. And you know what, that's fun, it's fine, it's healthy to get that window into other people's lives, but take 15 minutes. Like literally those 15 minutes, that's it on your masturbation time. That's lives, but take 15 minutes. Like literally those 15 minutes. That's it.

That's it. That's it. Once or twice a week and create a ritual out of it. So I have a masturbation playlist. I get my coconut oil out. I dance. I rub my body with coconut oil. I lay out my toys so they're like my little lovers.

I'm like, oh, hi there. You know, and I'm like, which one, which is I'm going to play with today? You know, and I love it. I going to play with today? I love it. I might watch a little porn, I might read a little erotic, and I really make it a date with myself. Right. But it only takes 15 minutes.

Because it takes a good look. Yeah, you got to be like, you're there. It's true. And then let's talk about the benefits of how you feel after that. Why? Why is this important? Well, it's so important because it relieves stress. It tunes me into myself.

I think it's the best way to build body confidence, whether you've had a baby or not. I think women were all hard on our bodies. But if you're in tune with your body, if you know how to give yourself pleasure, it's almost impossible to hate on yourself in that moment. In that moment, you love your body. You are loving yourself. You are making that muscle memory. So that later on when you're like, oh my thighs, oh, where are you so big, you start to train yourself to be like, wait a second. I remember

pleasureing myself this morning and how good I felt about my body in the morning. So you start to become better to your body and yourself all throughout the day. It takes time to build that connection. Right. But I do think that masturbating helps you love your body more in and out of the bedroom. I always say that the way you perceive your sexuality is the way you perceive your life. So if you feel comfortable to pleasure yourself, you're going to feel more comfortable and confident to trust your intuition in your daily life. If you feel free to moan and use your voice while you're making love or having an orgasm, you're going to feel more empowered to use your voice in a business

meeting, right? Or even just like, you know, telling your kids what to do with, you know, with a firm tone and not feeling bad about it, right? So the way you know your body sexually, I think is the way you know yourself in the world. I love it. That's such good advice. And I love what you're saying about like theization of it, because I think there's a lot of moms who are like spend so much time scheduling their kids' soccer practice. Yes. And their dinners, or their family plan, or their vacation, or the summer, or the kids' camp.

And they're like, why not just plan in the masturbation for 15 minutes, what did they? Totally. I love thinking ahead, because if you think, yeah, I know I should do it. It's another reminder to do list. And what I like about your book is that you give people tools. You have the plans, you have the worksheets that you can allow. Because I feel like if I don't plan anything, it won't happen.

And then another week I'll go by. And like even like, I've class passed. Do you guys have class? Yes, of course. So it's like, it's where how I plan my workout. So I can go to, and now I've just, I've had it for three months to be honest. Didn't use it. Okay. I paid it every month. I was like, Oh, I get it. My workout time is going to happen. It's

so important to me. Like almost, I mean, as important for me as masturbation. Of course. And I just realized like, Oh, I can plan and we could have there. It is not to think about it. And I know this might seem to be like, No, but masturbation is going to have to just hit me in the moment. How's that going for you? How's it going? How's that been going for you? So I love this. Like I actually, yeah, I don't wait, create. Right. Exactly like you just said, don't wait for desire to smack you over the head. It's not going to happen. But if you create it, then you are integrating sensuality and sexuality into your life on the daily, into

your mom routine, and whether you're a mom or not, we're all busy with work. We're trying to make it in the world and make it a priority. Do some planning around it, and then follow through. I love it. Let's talk about how things have changed since you've become a mom, as far as like your body and master. And like, did you, was there anything you got to do get your body back? Were you doing kegels? Were you doing? Yeah, okay.

So did your- Yeah, well during my first pregnancy, I did kegels like religiously. And I gave birth to Rocky naturally without an epidural, which was amazing. And I really wanted that to happen. And I'm so glad that it did happen, but I could feel I was so connected to my muscles

and pushing him out. It was like one of the best moments of my entire life and I think we'll be forever. The control and the connection that I had to those muscles in bringing life into the world. So that was amazing. Afterward. Okay.

We're talking about it. Oh my god. Afterward. Start with the pros. So that was amazing. Afterward. Okay. Oh my god. Afterward. Start with the pros. Yeah. Okay. So the pros. Beautiful baby, velcon acted and amazing. Afterwards, I had to wear like a pantyliner when I was exercising for a long time. And I thought, oh, if I'm strong before and I'm strong during birth, then I'll be strong after. But no, I was still like, not blown out, that's an exaggeration. But I was like, okay, there's P coming out when I'm doing my P90X. And that was not nice, right?

It was not nice. But you just rebuild it. You rebuild it with tegels. You build it and I used, who was I using? I think I was using the balls. The smart balls are, you know, some kind of nice. Have you tried the intensity in control by poor Moa? I have an amazing.

I should have someone say, I'm Crystal Yoniag, which I love. Oh yeah, those are great to you. You know, loving that. Okay, yeah. And then with my daughter, I had to have a C-section because she was breached. And what was interesting about that

is on the one hand, it kind of connected me to the experience that so many women have, which is a C section. But the healing was much different and much harder. And it caused me to kind of, I had some body confidence issues afterwards with my belly because there was a scar and it was like,

I just, that was a bit of a shock to me. So I just had to go about, there's a practice in the book called Reboot Your Body Confidence and it's basically stopped. Yeah, it's like when you catch yourself shit talking about your thighs or your belly or your breasts or your bum, you kind of catch yourself and you transform that negative body banter into what I call a sexy self love affirmation. So it's kind of basic and it's kind of silly and some women say, well, if I can't stand in the mirror and say,

oh my God, thighs, you're so beautiful. I love you. You're so thick and juicy and amazing. Yes, it may feel false at first, but the more you tell yourself those things, you actually start to believe them. And you just create that connection with yourself. Who else? You've got to love yourself first. You don't love yourself. No one else is going to magically love you. No. In the way of loving your body. And I've told women to stay in front of the mirror,

do these things, but I love that you have this, you have to walk through the practices. Yes. Part of it, it really works. It really works. Because why are these, we're so hard on ourselves. We are so hard. And you must hear this from your friends too.

You must have been inspired by a lot of mom friends. We're feeling a lot of the same things. So I'm sure you're just like this like beacon of hope for all of them. And inspiration and I got this energy for them too. Being like, this is you guys, I've got my, what would you call your vibrators? Oh, I don't know, my little lovers. My little lovers. Nothing wrong with that.

You know, the other thing I think about that I want to mention about talking badly about yourself to yourself is that You don't notice that other people around you are hearing it You kind of think you're just saying it in your mind, but oftentimes you're saying I'm fat You're like actually vocalizing these things. Yeah, and and that encourages other people to be able to do that for themselves as well And then your kids here, you do it. And maybe your partner gives you a compliment and you immediately shut them down. He says, oh, you look great in that dress. And you say, no, I look fat.

I still need to lose five pounds. And it's like, you miss the opportunity. That makes my stomach ache. Yeah, it's a bummer. You miss the opportunity to connect. You miss the opportunity to volley back with another compliment and create romance. So catch yourself before you miss your self. And I see what I love,

because I knew you wrote your book, initially you wrote it what, 10 years ago. Well, I finished, I mean, the first, the first book came out in a second. And just seven years ago. Yeah, I'm reading this one, like we all need this when we're with our self-talk and I'm sitting here in my office,

because my staff, I try to fill it around too. I'm like, I'm so dumb, I'm not stupid. I love myself. I love myself and I love you. So I catch myself, but I do it in a funny way. I mean, not in a funny way. No, it can be funny. These are pants are tight. No, I don't think of that. You guys, I love my body. Like, I do because I'm so conscious of it, but most of it is silly, even, but it's works. It's like I do work. It's perfect. We all go through this as women and guys, I just think, you know, I don't know. They have their own self.

They keep it inside. Like this guy was dating, he's like, you are just, he's like, I've got the same monologue, but you just externalize it. And then you take it back it out. We do. So what about men though?

Like how is your husband, or how can men support women in this journey? You think like about this negative stuff we do, or like supporting them in their, or can they? Do you think the women have to be the ones who are like, this is my masturbation time, do not come in, this is what I'm doing. How much is this a partner thing,

and how much is this about women giving love to themselves? Yeah, okay, so the book is like, that's a great question. The book is like 50% self-work and solo work, and about 50% couples work. And I think that the key is asking your partner for the exact specific support that you need. So do you actually need more help with the kids on Saturdays from one till four?

And then you just say, would you watch the kids on Saturday from one till four? And miraculously, your man says yes. And I think what happens is that women feel we have to do it all ourselves, or we feel we don't deserve the help because maybe he's bringing in all the money and we're, we've chosen to raise the family as our job.

So you stop asking for help, or you've become a perfectionist, and if it's not done your way, you don't want it done. And so then it's like, it becomes this weird resistance of help. You got to scratch all. And then six months have gone by and you have seen your friends, you haven't left the house, you haven't got any care. And you're resentful and you're blaming it on him, but you actually haven't asked for help.

So it's kind of, and you think you have in your head because maybe one time you sort of did but really you made a million reasons why you shouldn't ask for the Saturday. Exactly. So you just kind of think about, okay, what are the areas I need help with? What are the specific requests I can make? And then you say, would you or will you? Not could you or can you? And it's this really simple communication.

Yeah, okay. It's amazing. It's amazing little communication tool. It was my John Gray, the man of Mars, women of Venus, and it's a really simple thing. So if you say, can you take out the garbage it stinks? He's like, well, I can. I'm capable. Why are you coming at me like that? In his mind, that's what he thinks. So he might do it, but he's not an invitation. Would you take out the garbage for me? Is an invitation for him to help you?

It's like, I get that, I can do that, that'll make her happy. And it's a really, really simple shit. It's so subtle and so good. And it works. I, after I read that tool, I had no idea how much I was marching around with Kuju Canu. And I kind of took a day to track. Am I really saying, can you do this? Could you?

Couldn't you just, it's, you never, that's the blaming. And I thought, okay, great, I'm going to try wood you and will you. And it worked like a charm. I do it all the time. I get the help I need. And it also practicing that communication tool in your relationship you start to practice it with colleagues at work. No, I see your friends and you start getting what you need and it's so simple because you can't you think that's so simple. It's brilliant and it works with you know

domestic tasks. It also works when you need appreciation and recognition. Would you tell me when you think I've done a great job with the kids, would you tell me if you like the dinner I cooked for you? It's okay. Would you tell me that you think I look sexy when you're on the door? If you think it, tell me.

That's right. And you know what, some people just need to be prompted. People say, oh, why should I have to ask for that? Well, does it matter if you get it? How you get, it's like, it doesn't matter if you have to ask for it. Exactly. I hear that all the time you're like, well, although you should just know, our partners are not mind readers. Exactly. No, but they're going to know. No, it works and you might have to tell them more than once. Absolutely. I

don't care if I have to tell them every time if I get it, if I get what I need. And I want him to tell me what he needs to. It goes both ways. And he's learned from you then as well. My husband, he's a master communicator. I've learned so much from him and a lot of that's in the book. I'm just going to give Charlie Myers. I'm giving you the props that you deserve. I keep building empire and you've children.

Yeah, that's amazing to me. It's cool. Let's talk about, you talk a lot about resentments. I know we just were touching that but how they can be so poisonous is actually a quote from your book, which from Nelson Mandela. Yes. As Nelson Mandela said, resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. Yeah, totally. It's such a good quote. So we walk around. We don't even know what it is. It's festering. It's simmering. We're telling them that we're not. It's killing us. It's so unhealthy. It's such a

terrible feeling, the resentment. And and and something that Charlie and I do, we actually have like a little resentment check in, like once a week or once a month, depending on what's going on in our lives, where we just sit down and say, like, I'm feeling that you're resenting me because of this or I'm feeling resentment towards you because, and it can be stupid stuff. But it's the act of airing it out and being heard by the other person. And so then you can just soften it, let it go.

You give the other person the opportunity to write the wrong if there is a wrong there or just actually work it out and say, you know, look, I resented you, whatever it is because you're traveling more than I am and I feel stuck at home with the kids. Yeah, nothing they're doing wrong. I can't resent you and it's just letting them know. Yeah, and then it gives him the opportunity to say, well, hey, go, okay, go take a trip. I'll watch the kids, or to say, I hear you, I can't change it right now, but I hear you, how else can I help you? So it's, again, it's all comes down to communication. It really does.

I'm not keeping it inside. And I think that people think they don't have time for it. And I think you could even schedule in your 15 minute communication and something that's before you have dinner. Absolutely. Whatever works because you realize that also just like scheduling sex,

which I've talked about a lot on the show, I think that seemed like the worst idea ever. I love it. It's another thing in your calendar, like, oh great, but it's still much, because then you know you're gonna get it done. And you can build anticipation for it. Yeah, you can pick out an outfit for it.

You can prep yourself, you know, you can take a bath for 15 minutes to transition from a busy day into a more sensual state of being. We're going to give a quick shout out to our sponsors. I'm going to be back with Dana Myers and the Mommy Mojo Makeover. Okay, I'm back with Dana Myers from the mommy mojo makeover 20 tools to reclaim yourself and reignite your relationship. So Dana what I'm excited is Well, first we're gonna get on some Instagram live right now. Hi everyone

I'm here with Dana Myers and we are talking about the mommy mojo makeover How do you get your sexy back when you become a mom and even honestly just as a busy woman who runs a business who has a life, how do we keep sex? Top of mind, how do we get turned on for sex? We know that men and women get turned on very differently. Yes. And I think for women it can be challenging because we're like, well why did I just get turned on when my partner walked in the door or I don't think about sex as much and I love that you have such great tools for women to keep sex. Top mind and my Instagram peeps ask any questions at all.

We will answer them. We will help you have better sex today. It's all happening. It's all happening. It's all happening here. Okay, so how do we like? Yeah, okay. So, most moms and women, I think, go about their busy days thinking about everything but

sex. What are under snacks? What do I need to do? Why are my thighs rubbing together? You know, all these racing thoughts. And so I always say, imagine if, you know, if you put even a Iota of the time that you spend thinking about other things about your kids about work, about your to-do list, if you put that towards sex, your libido would naturally rise. So the favorite tool that I have from the book is just looking for visual and mental stimulation

in your daily life. So the example that I love the most is when I'm at the grocery store, I tend to linger in the produce department, right? The carrots are my favorite vegetable. And I'm sort of staring at them as they're looking all glistening and long and strong or thick and wide and they're kind of like me. Some are hairy, that's okay. Some are a little nubby, you know. And I think it's not that I'm fantasizing about using

that carrot as a sex toy. Because you should not do that. No, no. But I'm imagining a long, strong glistening, you know, penis, penis, or it's an eggplant, or it's something that looks phallic, and I'm thinking, how can I use this regular aspect of my day to day life, but make it more central? How can I let that inspire essential fantasy? So suddenly, I'm thinking about sex with a beautiful sexy man with this long, strong, carrot between his legs. Carrot, you know?

And I'm riding the carrot and I'm loving the carrot. So triggers you to start thinking about sex when you're at Whole Foods or wherever you're at. I try to think about sex as much as I can. So it's become this practice that is now just a go-to, it's just natural for me. You link that up with, it's that's right. So I am looking for the sexy

and basically anything and everything. So maybe I'm walking down the street and there's a flower shop and I look in the window and there's a beautiful orchid. And you know, flowers really look like the female body part. They're the vulva, right? It's gorgeous.

And so maybe looking at that flower blooming, I think about my own flower blooming at the touch of a lover, or if I'm scrolling through Facebook, and I see an ex-boyfriend that the sex was great, but the long-term potential was not great. But I allow myself to fantasize about that amazing sex that we had. Yeah, good for you, because Dana isn't a healthy,

healthy marriage, 13-year marriage. Long term, coming in. Long term, even longer than that, okay, Dana isn't a healthy, healthy marriage, 13 year marriage. Yeah, long term, come in. Like long term, even longer than that, maybe you'll be able to make it. We've been together for 15 years. 15 years, yeah. And they work together, they play together. And also, it's okay to have fantasies

about someone other than your partner. Yes. It's all fuel for the same fire. And that is your erotic energy, your libido. That's right. For women, it just doesn't get fueled as easily. I get it. Sometimes it does, early in a relationship it does, but we all have to work on it.

So I call that looking side compquats. What are compquats? Oh, there's those little, they're not compquats. But they're not really erotic. I just want to say compquats. OK. The name is erotic. Conquat.

It's a compquat. Yeah. So I, you know, the thing that you only have to remember one simple phrase, and that is sensual inputs, right? The more sensual inputs we see that we can look for in our daily life at the grocery store on the street in a magazine, you see a hot celebrity fantasize about it. Think what, they're lips all over your body.

And that's the healthiest're lips all over your body. That's healthy. That's what the health is. Skin feels like under your fingertips. More central inputs is going to equal more central output. You're going to raise your sexual energy. It's so simple and you don't have to change anything about your life. Right. And you don't have to change a single thing. Just have to shift your mindset to start seeing the sexy that already exists.

I love this. You just have to look at, look for it. I love the idea about women, that just women giving themselves permission that this should be part of a practice because the thing is we spend so much time on our health or what we eat or our workout routines are making sure

the kids are happy and works great. And sex is just something that we think should just fall into place with that effort. Right. Effortlessly we are sexy and into whatever our partner wants. There's like life happening. We don't work like that. So just any tools, you know, Bansi, Arotica, all of that.

Just shifting your mindset to integrate sensuality into your daily life. That in itself is how else do we integrate sensuality into our daily life. That in itself is, I think- How else do we integrate sensuality into our daily life? Oh, we could take a question though too. Oh, all right. We've got a question. So the question is, what do we mean by affirmations? Yeah, sure.

Well, I think as it relates to body confidence, if you are always, you know, saying negative things about your cellulite or your belly, it's basically just taking that negative self-talk and coming up with something positive. So if you're constantly saying, my ass is so fat, I hate it. It's standing in front of the mirror, putting your hands

on your butt and saying, you are beautiful, you are thick, you are juicy, and you are deserving of pleasure. You are, I'm deserving of pleasure. Like keep saying things like that. I'm deserving of pleasure, I'm deserving of ecstasy, I'm deserving of orgasms, of plenty. All of that. So you can do affirmations about your body, you can do affirmations about deserving pleasure.

I think for many women, just giving yourself permission to embody your sensuality. You can just look in the mirror and say, I am a sensual woman. And that alone is a very powerful affirmation. I'm looking at yourself. That's it. Why is it so hard for women, you think, to love ourselves, to appreciate ourselves, and to realize that we deserve all the pleasure in the world. Because it's not. It gets harder. America in general doesn't celebrate sexuality

as a normal part of life, as maybe some European countries do. So we grow up thinking sex is dirty or it's private. It's so private. I'm not going to talk about this with my friends. And then there's like the girls like me and you, who were like, hey, we're talking about it to anybody who will listen. Don't you still love it? We both have been in this business for 13 years.

And it's like, however, I can help people wherever I go. Like, yes, ask me any sex question you want. I will tell you how to think about this and how to do. To that masturbation is just for women, especially, like make it, make it your practice. Love yourself, love your body your body, sensuality. If anyone has any questions on Instagram live, I'm here with Dana Myers and talk about her book

and about resentments and finding pleasure in the everyday. Can we talk about fantasy for a minute about like, you see like watching porn or reading a broadcast, is there anything that you've discovered lately that, I don't know, that's been kind of a new twist since you've, I don't know, anything new that, a new twist since you've I don't know anything new that well Okay, just like super top line what comes to mind is that I do love lingerie and of course I love expensive lingerie, but I also love really cheap lingerie

And like there's something that's really fun about lingerie that comes on and it's often three minutes But it's raunchy and sexy so like a simple tip to heat things up. Yeah a fishnet body suit. Oh, it's often three minutes, but it's raunchy and sexy. So like a simple tip to heat things up, like a fishnet bodysuit, right? It's so easy. It's so easy. Throw it on. You can rip it off. It feels interesting on the skin.

It's very visually exciting for your partner, and it basically costs nothing. Right, like we used to go to these trade shows when they had these, right? I've been dwarfed full of this stuff. And it's fun. It is fun. I've got to dig out the fish nets.

Yes. Oh my god. Fish and body suits are great and really easy. Like if you're saying, you know, I kind of want to spice it up, but I'm not sure how to or I don't want to go as extreme as any kind of like BDSM stuff, just get a sexy little fish and body suit. I'm putting some heels.

That's it. I love leaving them on during sex. I'm so good. I'm so good. Okay, that's great advice. Yes. Great question during sex. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good.

I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good.

I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good.

I feel good. I feel good. I've got these two beautiful children. I've gotten amazing husband. We've got this family unit. We're both committed to keeping our sex life really fresh and interesting. And on a personal level, I just don't want to mess with it. Right. I feel so blessed and so grateful that going outside for sexual excitement, it just scares me that I could break the goodness that we've created. Right. I'm fascinated by open relationships. Right.

I'm fascinated by it, but I can't for the life of me figure out how it would work. For you, for me, for you. Yeah, right. What about your thoughts? Well, my thoughts are, I've always been sort of, I personally think that Monogamy works for so many people. It's the one model that we see like we literally have no other options Right, so death through his part, but I don't think it's natural. It's not natural

It's not natural So I think that this is such a great question because I believe that we are in this time now of alternative relationships and you have to practice this rigorous honesty, which I wish a lot of people in monogamous relationships are practiced. And so non-monogamy works for many people and giving yourself permission to define whatever kind of relationship you want that there are no rules except for being super honest. And that we think the reason why people think they could never do it, non-monogamy, because like, well, I would be so jealous.

Right. So people could jealous in monogamous relationships. People have challenges in monogamy. So I think that in a nominogamous relationship, you just talk about it. And you're like, wow, that might make me jealous, or I was feeling jealous, and this is how I feel about it. And you can kind of transcend it, transcend the jealousy, but you need to just lay out the rules

and talk about it with the partner. And I know couples who, just for example, they've been married for a long time, but every summer they, their kids are camp and they take off and they each like do their own thing, don't ask them tell. That's fascinating. I know couples who like they have a third partner that they see, you know, every two weeks, or they share a Google calendar of all the people they sleep with. And they still are together.

So there's a lot of different iterations of it that I think that are available now. I love Tristan Teremino's book called Opening Up. If you're interested in high-tristan happy birthday, I think it was yesterday. If you're listening to this, I think that there's just a lot of great tools out there and resources and that this is the time if you're looking at it to kind of venture into that territory, but you got to be a great communicator. It is a fascinating time because we are seeing so much more openness in telling stories about open relationships

and exploring polyamory. I think for me, I couldn't cope if Charlie fell in love with someone else. I just couldn't. I just love him too much and I love his love so much. I couldn't cope with it personally. Oh, I get it. And it's not for everybody, but I've...

But do I want to have sex with other people? Of course I do. I just fantasize about it. I just fantasize about it. And then I channel that into the hot sex that we have. See, this is what I love. So when you look at all the cheating and everything, a lot of the merit, I'm so anti-cheating.

I'm more prone, like open relationship. You think you're on a cheat? I say no. No. Go turn it towards your partner so no deceit. So what I love about Andean is book and what we talk about on the show a lot is that you, if you're feeling like, but I'm going to have an affair

with my coworker just wants, it's okay. No, no, take all that energy you're feeling towards this person that will probably mess up your relationship and turn it towards your partner. Which is what you did, channel it, that's right. Channel it towards your partner, you can bring back that spark. You can bring, and it could go to the next level

once you practice communication and fantasy. It just gets deeper and richer and better and hotter. For sure. It gets so much hotter. I'm telling you, communication and getting hot and saying those things that you think you can not say makes your relationship so much hotter. And trying new things.

Always trying new things. Always try new things. Oh, yes. Oh my God. I gotta make a Okay. I want to repeat the question. Yeah, you could repeat it if you want. Well, it was about PC OS. Yeah. Okay. So the best polycystic over a syndrome. Yeah, I have an amazing solution. Alisa VT her book woman code. It's like a number one best seller. She's amazing. her book Woman Code. It's like a number one bestseller. She's amazing. Her Instagram, I think, is Flow Living, F-L-O, Living. She is the number one resource on all things period. She overcame PCOS herself. She now has a baby. She manages everything through nutrition and healthy lifestyle. She's incredible. I'll be a puncher for all of them. At least to be great. We got that for you.

There you go. Just chock-pock. Okay, guys. I think we're gonna be great. We got that for you. There you go. We are just chocolate balls. Okay guys, I think we're going to sign off. Bye everyone on Instagram. Bye. Check out Dana. Bye. Okay, Dana, help me with just some emails here from the listeners. Thanks everyone for emailing me.

I love hearing from you. You can always email me via the website, clicking on the Ask Emily tab. Email me feedback at sexwithemley.com. Also, please always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. This is from Nicole, she's 25 in Oregon. Okay, I'm going to go. Hi Nicole, hey Emily, I know you've answered questions

about mismatch libido's punny times, but I feel like I've tried so many tactics and nothing has worked, so I was hoping maybe you'd have a suggestion I haven't thought of. My boyfriend's 29, we've been together for two years and our sex life used to be incredibly hot and frequent. But after we've been together, the frequency dropped drastically. Once a week if I'm lucky, we have sex only on his terms and I get shut down so much.

I've talked to him about how I need more physical intimacy and try every suggestion he's given me to help him get in the mood, sexy lingerie, sexy photos, initiating for play, etc. Nothing has worked for more than a week. He chalks up to stress, but I'm worried it's something more than that. I've suggested therapy and it was immediately turned down. All of this has created a lot of resentment in me and I wonder if I can spend the rest of my life with this lot of resentment in me and I wonder if I can spend the rest of my life with this kind of sex life. I love my wife and so deeply,

I truly believe you's the one for me. The only rockiness is because of the sex issue and I want us to resolve this issue. I think we won't make it otherwise. Please help Emily. Okay, sweetie, I hear what you're saying here. Dana, I'm glad you're here for this too. Because I think there's actually

a few things going on here. Sex is so important. In your relationship, you're saying here, Dana, I'm glad you're here for this too. Because I think there's actually a few things going on here. Sex is so important in your relationship. You're right. If the sex keeps going on this way, I wouldn't be happy either. Okay, let's see. They've been together for two years living together. And the fact that you've suggested all these things and he's not listening either one, he's really, really stressed because you know what this to, when men are stressed, they're worried about money or a job, the sex goes out the window. That's right, it really does. And it's hard to understand that.

It is, we think, oh, well, men should just once sex all the time. Yeah, don't you see what's in front of you? This got us here, but it really does, it does take a hit when men feel very stressed. That's true. So that is the case, if he is really stressed, that is a thing, but that also the effect of therapy was immediately turned out.

Because I think this needs some therapy. If you guys are really going to make this work, what are your thoughts from reading this? Because I think immediately turned out and I get because some people don't love therapy. And you got to talk them into it. But it seems like he's like, no, no, no here. Well, and her feeling sexually rejected is quite tough because when you get rejected and you get shut down, then you feel bad for asking, right? You feel lesser, you feel you start to doubt your own attractiveness and desirability.

And so this seems kind of like a bit of a difficult one. I just want to look and see. So you say you've talked to him about how you need more physical intimacy and tried every suggestion He's given you To help him get in the mood. So he says okay, you're saying you need more physical intimacy and he's saying well put lingerie on do sexy photos He wants you to initiate you say you've tried but nothing works I'm wondering you're saying you need more physical intimacy. Does that mean outside of the bedroom? Maybe starting outside of the bedroom and connecting

intimately there. I think you're right. Physical intimacy is huge. You're swirling hands, cuddling on the couch. Maybe practicing some touch without expectation. So I call it a touch point. Maybe every Tuesday night you have a touch point. You sit on the couch together, you play some music,

and you just touch. Without the expectation, it's gonna go anywhere for either party. Because maybe he's feeling pressure. That you want more sex, he's feeling more pressure, he's feeling it's one more thing he needs to do. Maybe just connecting on the couch and touching, and kissing might take the pressure off for you both.

But if you're wondering whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with this kind of sex life, I think that's a really valid thing to look at. And the thing that triggered me in here is when you just reread this data was, you're talking to all the things that he needs. I want to know what turned you on to start like, I want to know, Nicole, because you might not know, I'm telling you, it could take a life. It's a lifetime thing because we change is what turns us on. So that's right. How much time have you spent, Nicole, like figuring out what really turned you on and the self-love and doing the masturbation? A lot of the techniques that we've talked about on the show and also

that are in Dana's book, because once you've become really in touch with your body, you've mentioned how much time, how much pleasure you go out of sex. You might just be exuding this energy in that we didn't even talk about this about how when you're like walking around as a turned-out woman or as a woman who's getting all your pleasure, you just exude that. He might not be able to help but to want to see that in you. And you might be realizing that you have some needs

that need to be met as well. That's right. Not just because he wants sexy laundry, it's not working sexy. This maybe he's just grabbing its straws because he's so stressed and just naming what he's heard works. And either you go in with what you figured out and the two of you co-create together,

that's what is your new, what's your turn on formula. That's right, but also, Nicole, you're 25, is that right? 25. Okay. So I'm 42. I just wanna tell you that at 25, you have a whole life ahead of you and marriage is a long road. So no matter how much you love him and if you do want to spend the rest of your life with him, it's decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and so.

And so, if sex is really important to you, you need to get honest with yourself about it. And if he cannot rise up and meet you and communicate about your needs and give you what you need, I would say really think about whether or not this is the relationship you wanna spend the rest of your life and your young, you're young, you've still got time. If you wanna break, you know, make a break here

and look for someone who can really meet your needs on every level, you've still got time. If you want to make a break here and look for someone who can really meet your needs on every level, you've got time to do it. So don't be afraid to start again. Right, exactly. Don't be afraid to start again. Don't settle. Don't settle.

Don't settle for, right. Life is too short for bad sex. Yeah. Nicole, I'd say that your sexual needs and your sexual satisfaction is just at, if not more important right now, you working on yourself. And I felt this way too, then I remember breaking up with every person I would end a relationship you think is is it?

Yeah. It's either one. Is it going to be a mistake? Well, I find someone else and guess what? You do. There's plenty of people out there. Totally. And that's great advice, Tina.

Thank you very much. Okay, Nicole, keep me posted here. Grow your on the right track. I promise. This is from Ed 31 of Virginia. Dear Emily, a little background. I've been married to my wife for seven years and after doing some reading and listening to your podcast, I thought it'd be fun to introduce a toy into our sex lives. I ended up buying a wee vibe pivot, which is the

cock ring. Okay. And spilled the beans about it before it arrived and boy, did it backfire. She's convinced I think something is wrong when it couldn't be further from the truth. How can I recover and get her to my side or is it a lost cause? Okay. Thanks. Oh my God. Ed. Seven years. This is a lost house. No. You know, I've got like I want to say something here. Okay. So people say to me, well, I don't want to toy. I don't need to toy. It means something's wrong. And this is what I say every time. Do you need a lip gloss? Do you need it? And people go, well, no, you don't need it. But you like it. It makes you feel good.

It's something new. It changes the color. It brings sparkle to your eyes. So do you need a sex toy? No. But can it bring excitement, joy, pleasure, something new to your life? Yeah. So don't look at it as though something is wrong. Just tell her, hey, you don't need lipstick, but you like it. We don't need a sex toy. But why not? Let's use it to bring newness and excitement, something we can share together, which is why I love the penis ring idea, because couples can use it together and explore new sensations. You know, maybe she's just unfamiliar. Maybe she is.

Well, that's the thing. They're not familiar. So she might be like, what? Like, I've never used a toy. You feel that I'm an adequate, that I'm not a great in bed. Who knows what's going through her mind? And what's so interesting, though, is that usually this dynamic is flipped. Usually

it's the woman bringing in something and saying I want to try something new. And it's the man's reaction typically. I'm just getting more stereotypical. I would say typically we hear that more often than that, but there's sometimes a, there's usually a miscommunication. So it's really interesting to see this. I love seeing new things like this. I would just say, look, you know, you like a cool sports bra. You don't need the one with the fancy straps, but it's kind of cool. It makes you feel good and exciting and different.

Well, our sex life is great, but why don't we just continue to explore it? And like you said, what can we co-create here? What's possible for us? In every long-term relationship, and even after you guys six months could be long-term. Yeah, we're gonna need a variety. We're gonna need something different.

Sex will get stale. It will become rote and you will want to change it up. And I say a little lube, sex toys, you know, doing some exercise together, like, you know, like doing some exercise in the book, planning sex. These are all little things to keep your relationship healthier. So it's not a lost cause. You guys can listen to the show together as well. I think a lot of couples

it helps them to listen to it together to talk about your sex life. Like this is the first thing and I don't know where you're coming from Ed in the sense of was this the first time you have even tried something sexually. If to talk about sex with her like this must might be like if you guys have been together for seven years and all of a sudden you're like a sex toy is coming and she's like, we've never talked about our sex life and you've ordered a sex toy. That's like living in your house, that's what would be a good analogy for that. Like, you've been living in your house forever and like one day like the fire engine show up with the truck and you're like, why are you, is my house burning?

No, we just want to check out, you're like, oh, you're about to take my house down. So it's startling. Yeah. So there might, you might have gone from zero to 60. And so she needs to understand that it doesn't mean, oh my god, the house, the fire, it just seems like I want to have us to have some more. If you kind of work as a person.

I love that perspective. I think it's tool number nine in the book. It's called, let's talk about sex, baby. And it's sitting down to have this conversation together, where you just talk about a couple of different questions. The first, you give me some from your book about that. Okay, so the first question is, what's great about our sex life right now? Okay, the second question is, what could be better?

The third question is, how can we co-create a sex life that feels compassionate, inspiring and exciting, and that's going to last us, you know, for the rest of our lives and decades and decades? I love it. And so it's sort of, you know, for the rest of our lives and decades and decades. I love it. And so it's sort of, you know, starting with the positive, right, what's great, what could be better? Not what do we need to fix, what's wrong, but what could be better? That gives you an opportunity to say,

I would like to try a new sensation with a toy. And what I love about Ed, is it Ed? Ed. Is that this pivot is probably designed to give her more pleasure. Yeah, that's what it is. It's amazing. You wear the pivot during sex. It goes on your penis.

Yeah. Have you used to cock right before? Of course, I love them. The pivot is amazing. The thing I love about the pivot is I also, you can use it as a glitter roll toy. You can use it as a great one. It's a small, cheap, perfect. Multi-purpose.

So Ed, you're on the right track. It just sounds like there has to be some of the, have a little conversation to have a conversation to get her take on it. Exactly. Good one. Okay, Ed, you got this. It's so bad. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go

Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. Go Ed. together, we often talk about adding another man or two. We both really get off on this fantasy. Oh, Tom. Oh, I love Tom. Oh, Tom. Steve, a brother. I've been wanting to turn that fantasy into a reality, but I don't think my wife would

actually go through with it. Do you have any advice on this topic? Thanks so much for taking the time to read my email. I have a ton of respect for what you do and how well you present your thoughts every time I listen to your show. Oh, thanks Tom. Well, it's time to help Tom. First of all, I love the drive we're adding in man. This is also let's talk about a twist here. This is not your typical threesome email. Typical at all. Usually it's a how do we get a woman in?'s right? So I love this. I love this I'm so curious to know more details what this fantasy is about is it he wants to watch his wife being taken by One or two other men she wants to see him being with other men like I want to know the details about this

This is there's a lot of She's holding scenarios here. Well, just so you know, we do have a call show So you guys I didn't mention this is the top of the show But when you me, we do a box that you can check that says I'd like to be called. And that means we will get into this because this would be an example of a great one. So, so I would say though, if you guys are talking about fantasy, it can be really hot to continue to talk about it in fantasy. Maybe watch some, I think porn, like Google porn, that has this scenario, makes it more of a reality. Yes, like they're like, oh, that's how it would go down. Or okay, so I would want that element of it,

but oh wait, that's where we draw the boundary, I wouldn't want that. And so getting more clear, I would say tiptoe in the two lips on this one. And yeah, explore that fantasy by watching porn and also if you want to take it further I would do it virtually with you know a sex chat professional bring them in on Skype have a virtual threesome or for some like bring them in looking at watching them yeah bring your computer into the

bedroom and there's all kinds of sex checker. Like, canals? Yep, bring in a cam, exact. Cam, girl. Cam boy. Cam boy guy. Cam boy or two. And play out these scenarios virtually before you actually bring someone into your bed. Test out the water. Test out the water.

I said, yeah. And you do have to test out you guys because first of all time, let me just kudos to you because you're way ahead of the curve here in the sense of you're really far along that you guys are talking about your fantasies, that you're listening to the show you because you're way ahead of the curve here in the sense of you're really far along that you guys are talking about your fantasies that you're listening to the show, that you're emailing and asking specifically about how to move it along. It's like super healthy time.

Like I just... So healthy and open, I love it. Yeah. Yeah, that you love the sex that you have and you're happily married. I love this. I want to see this in every couple because I want everyone to take their sex life

just as seriously as they do every other aspect. Yeah. And that's what your book does does. And there's so much juice in here to just continue fueling that positive cycle of communication, good sex, fantasy, openness. But yeah, tread lightly too. Take it step by step. Well, you guys have time, you know, you've been together. It's like things don't have to happen overnight. It's a process. Sometimes you have to let you have to plant the seed and then you think about it. Because I think also with the toy, like with Ed, and like maybe she's like things don't have to happen overnight. It's a process. Sometimes you have to let you to plant the seed and then you think about it. Because I think also with the toy, like with Ed, and like maybe she's like, oh, toy.

But now we've got to kind of pedal backwards and just be like, this is how it works, this is what it means, and then you can build to it. So it doesn't mean it's over. Just sex takes time, especially for couples who've never talked about it. That's right. Ed, I believe in you.

And Tom, you just keep it right up. Keep going everyone. I love my listeners. They're awesome. Thank you everybody. So amazing. Great questions. Thank you. Daniel, we are our time here is done. Which makes me sad. You gotta come back. I would love to. Everyone tell people can find you in your book and everything. All your family's gifts. Yeah. Okay. So you can find the Mommy Mojumecaver on Amazon, grab a copy there. And you can get into my world on at DanaB Myers.com. It's D-A-N-A-B-M-Y-E-R-S.com. It's all going to be on the show notes too.

Awesome. Yeah. Thank you for being here. So much. Thank you so much. I love you. I'm so inspired. Okay, guys, thank you to my amazing listeners.

Happy Master Beishimuth. We can't wait to hear from you. Thank you for listening and for just being amazing. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jenny, volunteer Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sectwithemily.com.