Sex With Emily - More Orgasms & Spicier Sex in 2023

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

Your sexual needs are key to your sexual satisfaction and overall wellness. And when you’ve got a need that just can’t be met, I’m here for you. On today’s show, I give one caller who's never had an orgasm surefire masturbation tips to help her get there. Next, she’s 23 and loves her boyfriend, but he wants to move in together and she’s… not so sure. Psychologist and dear friend Dr. Jen Freed and I coach her on next steps. Another caller asked her partner to be more dominant in bed, and now he thinks they’re sexually incompatible. Finally, she needs more sexual experience – should she snag a friends with benefits? All this and more as we unpack your sexual needs and give you specific, sexy steps to achieve them.Show Notes:Sexual Wellness Trends to Try in 2023Odela Health (use this link for $50 off your 1st prescription)7 New Ways to Use a Magic WandPleasure Planner, Yes No Maybe List & Other Guides Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, to be attentive lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, our backgrounds, the shame, the trauma, all the messages that makes us boring. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Your sexual needs are key to your sexual satisfaction and overall wellness. And when you've got a need that just can't be met, I'm here for you. On today's show, I give one caller who's never had an orgasm,

sure fire masturbation tips to help her get there. Next, she's 23 and loves her boyfriend, but he wants to move in together, and she's not so sure. Psychologists and dear friend Dr. Jen Frieden and I coach her on next steps. Another caller asked her partner to be more dominant in bed, and now he thinks they're sexually incompatible. Finally, she needs more sexual experience. Should she snag her friends with benefits? All this more as we unpack your sexual needs and give you specific sexy tips to achieve

them. Intentions with Emily for each episode I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. Well, my intention is to help you get to know yourself sexually, the deeper you go inside and understand your own eroticism and turnons, the better you can communicate that to a partner. Please rate your views, sex with Emily, wherever you listen to the show, my new article, Sexual Wellness Trends to Try in 2023 is up at sexwithemily.com and linked in the show notes.

Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at sexwithem Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 57539. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Before we get into today's episode, I wanna tell you about our new partner, Odella Health.

As the first virtual health clinic focused on women's sexual health, Odella makes it that much easier and more accessible for both of the owners to get the care they need. They specialize in care for women who are postpartum, paramanopausal and post-beta-posal. And they also offer free consultations and unlimited follow-ups with their medical team

under Dr. Ashu Winter. And she's a top sexual health doctor and neurologist. They also offer vaginal estrogen prescriptions and shipped to you so you don't have to go to the pharmacy. For free virtual treatment and $50 off your first prescription, go to odelahealth.com slash sex with Emily. That's odelahe. H-E-A-L-T-H.

dot com slash sex with Emily. Odelahealth.com slash sex with Emily or click the link in our show notes. Thanks everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING- [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING- [♪-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING--LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING--LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING-LIGHT MUSIC-LIGHT Let's talk to KC22 in Massachusetts. Hi, KC. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi. I'm turning 23 soon and I actually recently got engaged, which I'm very excited about, but I'm concerned that something's like wrong with me, which I know I probably shouldn't say, because I've never orgasmed before by myself or with a partner. And I've looked on the internet for advice and I feel like I've kind of tried everything the internet has to offer. Okay, Casey, you do first off, nothing wrong with you.

Totally normal typical. A lot of us don't orgasm right away. It takes a little bit of time to get to know our bodies and stuff. So you have come to the right place. Okay, Casey, it's all good. So you'd look on the internet and what'd you find? I've found a lot of like, maybe it's in your mind kind of things like you're trying too hard which sounds like me.

Yeah, I get it. I've tried to relax. I've been through a few glasses of wine before. Somehow. And then the whole idea that you have to get used to your body before you can try to explain to somebody else what you like, which so far everything I've tried I've liked and I enjoy having sex is just I never get to that point. Okay.

Is your fiance, what does he think about? Have you talked to him about, you know, your orgasms and pleasure and stuff like that? Yes. I think he's confused too because I don't know what it takes for me and so he just feels like it's, I don't want to say it's an uncomfortable subject but it's one of those things that I bring up and he'll be like what can I do to fix it and I'm like well I don't know. It might be because you guys do kind of a more suspension I guess.

Well I'm so glad you're not married yet because this would be something great for you guys to tackle before you walk down the aisle. I'm not think you've got a million orgasms by the time you walk down now. I'm just saying like you got to, Casey, how did you find the show? I'm just curious. My nearest resolution was to try to really tackle my sexuality and because I've been trying for years. Okay.

And so I started listening to you and that's when I decided to call and because you're very welcoming presence. I mean, I've talked to a few women about when I decided to call. I'm so glad. Because you're very welcoming presence. I mean, I've talked to a few women about it and like there's certain women who are comfortable speaking to me and then other women who are like joke around about it and then that obviously does not make me feel brave about what I was telling. Yeah. Here's the thing Casey, it takes a little bit of time. And I hadn't had an orgasm at 23 either.

And I thought something was wrong with me because my friends were like kind of the same way. They're like, you have never had an orgasm haven't you masturbated? I didn't even masturbate. I didn't even know to masturbate. So it does really help to do it on your own, but it takes a little bit of time. So you get turned on, do you ever think things in your mind

and then you could feel it in your pelvic floor, your vagina, you start to get tingly? Do you ever get those sensations, a turn on feeling? Okay. It's really just a matter of giving yourself time to go in your room, use some lube. Do you have lube? Oh, yes. Okay.

So, lube is a really important part of orgasm for many women of all ages. So using some lube, going slow of using a light type of sound about internal, like you don't really want to go in and start, you know, using your finger internally, it's really about touching and the clitoris and using like a light tapping or moving your finger and circles or, you know, stroking up and down your labia. I mean, all those areas are sensitive. The tricky part is keeping your mind engaged, so you're not like, is that it? Is that it?

Is that it? Because that's what happens, and then it's not sexy. Also, if your partner's asking you, how can I help? What can I do? He could do this with you. I mean, he could just start to slowly sit there and touch you and stroke you and like, look at you and just sort of, just use his fingers.

Make sure he's got clean hands and he just starts to it's a really light touch because what we learn in media is like, oh, I got to take a finger and go inside and start like, you know, stick it inside. But it's for most vulva owners, we need a really light, sensitive touch to just sort of stroking around with like fingers on like the pads of the fingers one or two fingers he could even help you it's about going slow it's like a slow touch and knowing that even of time and it might take 20 40 minutes you know that's how long it takes women to have an orgasm so it's really about patience and a build up and you might not feel anything the first five, 10 minutes.

It's not a quick thing. And then also your pelvic floor. So you know the peace-stopping muscles. Like when you're, it's those muscles like, so those are your kegels, right? You're what people say to your kegels. If you tend and relax those muscles sometimes when you're touching yourself,

you're sort of like pumping the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So you can kind of play with those that can also help increase arousal by tensing and relaxing those muscles. All of your senses, so if you can light your favorite candle, lubricant that feels good on your hands, listening to a rhodica, listening to your partner talk to you in a way, engaging everything and giving yourself permission to just explore and not just get there. You will get there. And also a toys great using a vibrator. We have so many nerve endings. So every woman's different about what makes her oven orgasm tapping can feel good,

like slow tapping on your, do you know, have you ever taken a mirror Casey and looked at yourself, looked between your legs? Yeah. Okay, cool. So you, have you ever touched yourself with the mirror and looked and thought, oh, because I noticed when I did that, that I would start to stroke my clitoris and then it would start to swell, like it sort of becomes more like engorged blood, like it swells. It's exciting.

And then you're like, oh, that's where I'm turned on. And then I would talk to touch myself and move my fingers and circles and tapping. And so that's what it is. If you've done all of those things, Casey, because I think it just patience and time and getting out of your head like, is this it? Is this it?

Cause you can't do that. I'm telling you, someone who did that for years. That's probably what it is. Yeah. And breathing is important too. Definitely way too in my head. Yeah, it's not clinical like that. It's not like you get it and then you're there and no one explains that to you.

And I've got tons of podcasts that might help you. You and your partner could listen together. I know that so many couples and mummies say, we listen together or you both listen separately and then discuss it kind of like a book club, but it's a podcast club because then you're going to start to hear these familiar messages about, it takes a while to orgasm, breathing, using a lube, your partner being patient. And if you are looking for a vibrator, because let's be honest, we all be looking for vibrators all the time, they're so fun.

I'm going to tell you about the magic wand. You know that I love the magic wand and it is great for people of all levels. You know you're going to want one eventually, you might still get one, because the magic wand is so great for first off, external stimulation, external clitorial stimulation, and it's also a great massage, or you can use it all over your body, but I just like it for exploring

and getting to know all your arogenous zones. Huge fan. I love the magic wand, mini. That's their new one. If you haven't seen it, and you want more of the magic wand, if I've peaked your interest here, then we do have an article on our site called Seven New Ways to Use the Magic Wand Mini, that's their new one. If you haven't seen yet and you want more of the Magic Wand, if I've peaked your interest here, at the Reduvant article on our site,

called Seven New Ways to Use the Magic Wand, you'll be able to find it at sexfamily.com slash Magic Wand. And of course, everything I talk about in the show, you can always find in the show notes. So, Casey, the Magic Wand might be the perfect tool to help you find your orgasm. So, thank you for calling in, best of luck, let me know how it goes.

Let's talk to Lizzie 23 in San Francisco. Hi Lizzie, what's going on? How can we help you? Hi Dr. Emily, thank you for taking my call. I'm a quarter nervous, I don't know why. Oh, it's okay. Take a foodie, brass, we're good. We're gonna help you. Yeah, thank you, I's okay. Take a foodie brass. We're good. We're gonna help you. Yeah

Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm calling to next week. I'm gonna be meeting with my boyfriend of three years and I'm super excited about it. Like I love our relationship. I think it's beautiful. We're doing But I am honestly so terrified and like he seems super optimistic like yeah I was gonna work out like super excited Just as I am, but I'm like hey, let's talk about like an ex-strategy. Let's just like prepare and and then I don't know. I feel kind of guilty for like asking myself these questions or thinking like why am I so scared when he's super optimistic and Like what if this is it like people's one obviously get married if things work out But I'm like 23 and I don't want to start following into these

Not gentle, but you get engaged and then once away mean after the wedding once the kids gonna happen and I'm just caring to fall in like that routine or like just Puzzle whatever Lizzy first of I want to say that is so insightful of you at 23 and it's not at all I understand that feeling bad because he's not feeling that way want to say that it's so insightful of you at 23 and it's not at all. I understand that feeling bad because he's not feeling that way, but I think it's 100% makes sense that you'd be feeling you've never probably lived with anybody, you know. It's a big move and you're right and you're seen down the line and you're like, I'm 23, but then they're going to be asking about kids and all that.

So you are absolutely right to be thinking about these questions before you move in. You're right where you need to be. My first question is, is there anything like if you've named the specific fears, is it more like, do you've concerns about the relationship? Is it more like you just don't think you're really ready yet? Have you guys, like, what's the main fear right now? I think the main fear is just, like I just following into that the rat race, you know, but like every day life and just having that routine and like I see, you know, my old

sister, she, you know, has a kid and she's living with her boyfriend and not her boyfriend her, her baby daddy and stuff and she was just telling me about like all these routines and how the relationship changes and how it can be really frustrating to kind of just stick together and move forward towards things and then his family is super amazing and everyone in his family is married and been married for 23 years. So he surrounded by like, you know, he has that expectation of, hey, we're doing this, we're going to be for real, one and only kind of thing.

And I don't know, I just feel like, I'm not gonna stop being a group. I'm just more worried about what's gonna happen. What if this does work? How is it gonna play out? Yeah, well, I wonder, that makes sense. I'll see, how's your communication right now with him? What do you guys talk about, everything?

Do you feel like, yeah. He's honestly amazing. We've been together for three years and that's my favorite part about our relationship. We can just talk about anything so openly and he gives me that space I give him the space and I mean it's taking time to build up to where we are now but I've expressed my feelings. He's two years old and he's 25 and he's just surrounded by a bunch of like all his guys friends everyone around in his inner relationship getting very Moody man like doing all these steps and so are we and After Christmas, he was kind of just telling me like how he feels and how he's like super excited about this and how this is not just a test run

Like this is kind of the real deal and like obviously made me so happy to hear that because I feel the same way But I just like Yeah, I'm like just willing's just going to have to do. Like, it's going to be a minute a year after we can get engaged. Yeah, that's a lot. At 23, Lizzie, you're not wrong. I would, that would make me anxious too. I mean, I, it's young.

It is. You still have a lot of life to live even how wonderful he is. I personally think it's soon to get married before you're 30. That's how I feel about things. And I think you have so much like living to do and understanding who you are. You sound like this is your first serious boyfriend. I can imagine it is if you're 23 and you've been together for three years.

And so what I'm hearing is, and I'd love to hear it, Gensum sure's got lots of stuff on this. But I just feel like it seems like it's his agenda and his family or his culture that's kind of pushing it. And I just want to make you be mindful of that, that you get to have your own opinion about it too and what you want and don't have to feel bad for it that you have a different view of the pace you wanted to go. Because maybe you're being a little rushed right now and that would make me anxious. What do you think, Jen?

Well, I love that you called in first of all, I think it takes a lot of bravery and it shows me how thoughtful you are about this very lovely relationship. First of all, congratulations that you have such a good relationship. Really, the hallmark of a great relationship is you can say to your partner, if I don't follow the timeline of get married, have a kid in the next few years, is that still good with you?

Because I'm too young to know exactly what my timeline is or even if I want to have a family. And I need to know that you love me not just the ideas that you're committed to of family and marriage. I need to know you love me because I'm still developing. Can you have that conversation with him? Yeah, I definitely can. He's super just loving and you know, when I ran you talk, you just talk it out. And you know, when I ran you talk, you just talk it out and you know when I expressed in that like that day that he was just throwing all his like love from you or whatever and He's like, well, don't worry like I'm not proposing. I was like okay

I was like it's not that I don't want to be with you. It's just that like I'm only 23. That's exactly where I said he's like no I don't want to get laid like any time soon either, but like that's where I'm headed towards and then I just not not that I'm not heading towards that. I just don't want to do that. So like Emily said, you know, in my early 30s, late 20s, like that's what I want to say, I think, and about that. I'm never barred up to him in that way, Jen. So thank you for that.

Like I'll tell you. Yeah. I would say it. I would say it. She said it beautifully. I would go write that down, because I think that that's a really great intention and it's a way of saying it,

that it's just really from your heart and it's really your truth. And maybe kind of see how he reacts to it because he still has what he wants, his agenda. So remember, it's not a one time thing. It's okay to say it to him and then continue to talk about it and see how it unfolds. And just, you know, you're not in a rush.

And so, really seeing because he said he's not in a rush. I know what I also said, but you also said that his friends are all getting married right now at 25. So, you know, our culture, our friends, people, our community has a really big impact on, on decisions we make. So it doesn't sound like it. That's your community, but more his community. So I just, you know, just keep having these conversations and being with your truth. And you might want to, you know, you said that you said something similar to this, that he said, oh, no, don't worry. I don't want to anytime soon, but you're allowed to push him and say, well, tell me what you said no time soon.

But, but let me know. What do you see? And he might be like, well, maybe a year from now. Well, I don't know. It sounds like that might be too soon for you. You and I'm saying like, he might not want to wait until 30. So I would really just try to get really specific staying in your very loving, trusting relationship.

I love that you're able to have these conversations, but I think it's okay to kind of get more information from him as he says things like that. Like, oh, it's not. Yeah. But I just wanted to add because I think we take these norms as so given. You know, I'm 24 years into my relationship and I never wanted to be married and I am completely committed and it's just not an institution I wanted to get behind for reasons of my own, but I want all women and men and everyone to realize the institution doesn't own us. Our

relationships are our private experience and however we want and need them to be shouldn't be defined by anyone else. You get to decide. Thank you, Jen. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Say that. I'm so true. Those, norm groups were freaking out. I'm with you. I'm with you. Jen, yeah, I mean Lizzie, same. They always freak me out. They're always freaking out. They've always freaked me out too.

And I'm 20 plus years older than you. But when I was your age in 26 in San Francisco, I had a boyfriend who said, I just bought a house and I've been dating for a year and he said, and I want to know if you want to move in with me. I'll never forget this. I was home and Michigan visiting my family. And he's like, I bought this house and I picked sure our feature together.

And I had a full on. I didn't know we didn't call, I didn't know it was a panic attack. I was like, oh my God, I should want it. He's a great guy. And I was like, I am just not ready for this yet. It was just very intense. And back then, it was sort of,

people were sort of more so getting married a little younger. But still about 30, 20, 20s and that norm just never made sense for me. So I've had to define what kind of relationships I want and I think that right now, especially at your age, it's such a good time that I think you're going to find that more people are like-minded and open and accepted to make their own rules right now. Because what else is there that to decide what works for you? And if it's not your boyfriend, you know, eventually, I mean, I hope it is, but that's okay, too.

Because it's more important that you are true to yourself and your values. Because this is not something you want to just acquiesce on. It's an event. And one more thing, again, I want to say, three years of having a great relationship from 20 to 23 or 20 to 25 is a celebration. Like to me, the only thing that matters in friendship and love is how good is the connection. And I can tell by what you're saying that you have really found a person to have a great

ride with. We just don't know how long it is and you don't have to decide right now. Yeah, and that's exactly what I'm trying to get at. I know it's good. We have the relationship that I would want to have. I have someone, he's the first person I call on any instance and vice versa. It's crazy because when we first met, we both knew we were going to be together,

and then we worked together at the time. It's a beautiful thing, but it it's like what if this is it and I will be fine. If it turns out on a day to day you'll be good and we'll be here for you. Take it one day at a time. You're so welcome. Thanks Lizzy. You did great.

Stick around because when we're back I'm working through a sex top gone wrong and helping a listener find a great partner for casual sex. Megan 27 in Michigan, writes, rights. I decided to be open and honest with my boyfriend a four years today about wanting him to be more dominant assertive dirty when we have sex. We've barely had any sex the last year due to many factors, but a lot of it is how my needs are not being met. He's great, but he's boring. This ended in him not being mad but wanting to break up due to us not being sexually compatible. Neither of us want that outcome, what can be done to have my needs met without making

him uncomfortable. All right, Megan, that's tricky, tricky, tricky. Okay, so four years today. Okay, so first, Megan, let me try to compliment Sanwiches here because, Megan, I love that you had a sex talk with him. That's so good that you talked to about your needs. The only challenge is it was after sex and you're four-year anniversary. But you've got to have the sex conversation when you're both hanging out.

It's not after sex. It's not in the bedroom. It's sort of outside the bedroom. And it's about, hey, let's just talk about our sex life. It's okay to have a drink. Maybe you're having a dinner and just say, realize we haven't been having a lot of sex lately. And I've realized that after four years together,

I have some needs, I have some cool things I'd like to try in the bedroom. Would you be open to spanking me, talking dirty. And I don't know if this is the first time you've told him because the other thing is, it's been four years. You stopped having sex the last year, and then to come out of the gate and say, we never have sex, you're not boring,

you're not doing enough, I might break up with you too, because you're blaming and you're shaming in a way, not that you meant to blame and shame, but that's how you heard it, because to back that up, if you've never talked about sex with your partner, and then I'll guarantee you that your partner is if he's never talked about sex with you, he's probably never talked about sex with anybody. Probably didn't have sex education. Probably maybe he was shamed for it.

Growing up talking about sex, so it was never welcomed. So it's kind of shameful. It's kind of embarrassing, right? We just don't talk about sex. It's how most of this world, at least definitely an America is made up. So then you come out of the gate and you're like, we're not having sex. I need you to talk dirty.

I need you to be assertive. And then he feels like, fuck it, I'm out. I don't know how to fix this. I feel shamed, I feel awful. I want to be a great lover to you. And now I'm just like, how do I get out of this heap of shit?

Like how do I get out of this feeling horrible? So I'm just gonna bail. So if you want to make it work with them you can sort of roll this back and say let's just kind of go back to the basics here. What kind of sex really turns you on? What are the three most memorable time we've had sex? I can tell you my most memorable times we've had sex. Let me walk through with you. And this is not just a one time conversation. This is an ongoing conversation that my goal is for couples to have it all the time. And then it becomes fun once you get past the shame and the embarrassment and the him feeling inadequate and you feeling bad. That stuff goes away. The problem with the sex conversation is that we all take it so personally. And then it becomes an assault

on our character. And then we can't move past it. But imagine a world where we just talk about it all the time and it just becomes part of our lexicon. We're just talking about it and so then when you bring it up like, oh, I realized we didn't have as much sex last week and I would love to have more. It's not like an assault on his character. So you could roll back and say, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I want to roll this back. We have a pleasure planner that's on our website,

and it's a downloadable that you guys can do together, and it's gonna ask you questions. What are memorable times you've had sex? What are some things we're looking forward to? What's bring us the most pleasure in the past? What's bring us less pleasure? And it's just gonna help you guys build it from scratch. The kind of things that turn you on,

the kind of things that make you feel good, reminiscing on your past, going towards the future. You can also check out the yes, no, maybe list, because I think what you're gonna find is, once maybe he is a lot more interesting than you think. I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, to be attentive lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, our

backgrounds, the shame, the trauma, all the messages that makes us boring. Because I don't think anybody wants to be boring in bed. Nobody wants to be shut down when it comes to sex. But we don't have a lot of great role models or people doing it. Our examples, which is why I think a lot of you listen to this show. But what my world that I envision is that you all have these tools that you're disposal without me. So starting there, let's plan out the year. Let's talk about it. I'm going to apologize to him if you were his feelings. And you could say, let's just start assuming that we're both coming from the same place. We both have the same

attention. I want to bring a great lover to you. You want to bring a great lover to me. And let's start from there. This is from Emily 22,000 Oaks. I feel like all my friends are very experienced with sex and only feel open to talk about it sometimes. I still feel very inexperienced. I haven't been with many people. I don't even know if I've ever experienced pleasurable sex because I don't think I've ever had good sex. I'm a pretty tall girl so it's uncomfortable for me to be on top. I've been working and getting to know my body and started masturbating. I think what I'm trying to say is I want to try more sex and become more comfortable, but I don't want to sleep with just anyone.

It's nice to find a partner or a fuck buddy, but I've known in mind. Yeah. It's hard to find a quality person. Here's the news though. The dating apps are popping. They're not what you think. If you're like, oh, the dating apps are popping. They're not what you think. If you're like, oh, the dating apps are just for hookups, like, or people are going to ghost you. Yeah, people are going to ghost you in real life, people are going to ghost you on the apps, but it is true that they're saying that this was another thing that came

out last week about like more people are meeting on apps than anywhere, and it even said that people in on apps were looking to get into quality relationships, long-term relationships. Why I like that survey is because people always think the apps are not. And this is like a conclusive study that said people in the apps take it seriously, the majority of them want to get into a long-term relationship. But Emily, that doesn't help your question because you just want to get a fudge with benefit. Now, you're not going out, probably you're not meeting people, you're not doing stuff like that. So I would just practice maybe talking on the apps

and just start practicing, going to know people. I recommend doing a video chat, kind of start to vet people on the apps, and just because you're tall doesn't mean you're not going to be able to get comfortable on top. I want to say this to everybody, all the on honest, the 20-something people who have so much like angst about sex, that it's going to be, it should be, you should already know how to be this and you should already know how to do that. How would you know if you haven't done it? If you haven't has many partners and if you have

had partners, you probably weren't open and talking about it. So it just takes experience. It's like you can't beat yourself up for things that you haven't even had a chance to try yet. But I like that you just started masturbating. I think that's great. And it's also important to continue to not just masturbate, though, get comfortable with your fancies. Read a rhodica, listen to a rhodica,

get in the mood, start thinking about different ways you can pleasure yourself. Because the more that we love on ourselves and have more orgasms and start to understand our bodies and all ways, you'll be so much more equipped to be in a healthy sexual relationship because you'll be able to express your needs, you'll know what feels good to you, you'll know who you are more. I just think that you gotta maybe just ride this one out a little bit, Emily, you say I feel like all my friends are very experienced with sex.

I doubt it. If all your friends are 22 years old, they're not experienced with sex. They might have had a lot of sex. They might have had sex with a hundred people. Their number might be 100, but I'm telling you there's a big difference between frequenting sex. They might have had sex with a hundred people. Their number might be one hundred, but I'm telling you there's a big difference between frequenting sex and being experienced a skilled lover, a skilled lover takes time and years and wisdom and communicating and

all these things. So they're in the same boat you are. Consider yourself starting now. Twenty-two is a great time to start experimenting. And I don't know. You know how you know when you meet someone and that you want to be friends with them? We should just use that same test when we want to start dating someone, okay? Hear me out. If you want to become friends with someone,

they're interested in you. They call you back. They make plans. They're there for you. They treat you well. You feel better when you're with them and you feel safe. You're not walking in eggshells.

Let's put that same litmus test, those same values when we're looking for a partner, like a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anyone you want to be with. But I don't know how this culture got caught up in like, oh, well, they were ghosty me or they were not that great at the beginning and they were hot and cold and they were in and out. It's like that dump those people are not they're going to be like that all the time. Someone who was there and then they pulled out, they ghosted you or they were dissing you or they weren't available, they're never going to be available. Go with people who make you feel good from the jump.

So that's how you're going to find someone and then see if you can build something from that. I think a lot more of us are satiosexuals, meaning our brains, we want to have engaging conversation with someone we want to feel emotionally safe and intellectually stimulated and then we're going to be turned on. I think for a lot of us, we can actually spend some time getting to know someone and sort of start to build the attraction, the arousal, the excitement of getting to meet them in person.

It will be this awkward, groping, and the dark, hug up thing where you barely know someone. Because those were not sad. I'll bet you all of your sexually experienced friends, Emily and Thousand Oaks, that's the kind of experience they're having. Up at they were blackout drunk in college, running around, and they've had a lot of dudes. They've given a lot of blow jobs. That might be experienced, but that doesn't mean they're having quality sex.

So the fact that Emily, that you're even asking this question right now about how can I find someone quality, how can I get better with being on top and all the things are all great questions and the fact you're even questioning it, not assuming that you know everything if you're exactly where you need to be. Check out our website, we've got blogs,

we've got podcasts, we talk about this stuff all the time. Your confidence just, it comes from experience, it comes from your experience with your own body and with other people. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily.

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