Sex With Emily - My Orgasm Has Left The Building

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Do you fake orgasms? Be honest. Whether we feel pressured to end the sexual experience, or simply don’t know how to orgasm with a partner, faking it is common for every gender and orientation. So on today’s episode, we discuss how to hold out for the real thing while also restoring your sex life. What do you do when it’s not just your orgasm that’s gone missing, but your entire sex life? Or how about when it's physical pain holding you back from having more pleasure? I’ll help callers with these questions and others as we embark on a mission to get you back to orgasming and back to a more pleasurable sex life.Show Notes:How Do I Tell My Partner I've Been Faking Orgasms? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm gonna hard to get romantic when you do something like that and it hurts. Even though we're used to losing all that good stuff, it's kinda hard to for me to keep going when I'm going. And I just don't know what to do. I mean, he's a hot looking lady still at 61, man. I'm a tractor-tower and I'm like, I said, you know, he's gonna boot, that's the only thing you need to have an orgasm. You gotta get that out of there, you know? I said, I'm in a great mood, I masturbate every week, you know? Ha!

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Do you fake orgasms be honest? You know, whether we feel pressured to end the sexual experience or simply don't know how to orgasm with a partner, faking it is common for every gender and orientation. So on today's episode, we discuss how to hold out for the real thing while also restoring

your sex life. What do you do when it's not just your orgasm that's gone missing, but your entire sex life? Or how about when it's physical pain holding you back from having more pleasure? I'll help colors with these questions and others as we embark on a mission to get you back to orgasm and back to more pleasurable sex life. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do it. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to unblock your orgasm.

Stop the habit of faking it already and get more comfortable, authentically expressing your pleasure. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article, how do I tell my partner I've been faking orgasms is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice.

If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or comment hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. I actually got some emails recently. And so I got one from Carly, 22 in Maryland.

And she says, Dr. Emily, hi, I love your show. I've learned so much from listening. My boyfriend, I've been together almost two years. We care about each other a lot. This X is great. However, I fake orgasms a lot. I started faking it early on to keeping things from being awkward until that I did not hurt a Zego. He loves and plays me often, gets frustrated or angry at himself

if I don't orgasm. I assured him it's enjoyable and still feel good even if I don't finish but he doesn't get it. When I think about our future together, I don't want to always have to fake it or to lie to him. I also want to actually have an orgasm. How should I go up making him aware of the situation without upsetting him? Also, I want you to definitely what an orgasm feels like. She's the rad one.

So sometimes I'm unsure if I had one or not. Could I fake it until I make it? And by such a good actress, I can convince myself, ha ha. Well, I guess I could unpack that one, but there was another one that's really good. That's kind of similar. And this is from Cassie 27, and she says, whose responsibility is it for orgasm? She says, I orgasm, literally, from what I remember.

I was my ex for eight years. I never orgasmed when I would. It was because I'd have to masturbate afterwards with him next to me or possibly masturbate during sex, but it wasn't about him. Now that I'm single, I slept with a few men who some take initiative to eat me out or make sure I orgasm. There's others who don't or make sure I orgasm. There's others who don't.

Is having an orgasm? My responsibility. It seems like a silly question, but I remember having a conversation with one man I was sleeping with. I told him I really had orgasms and he's like, come on, you got to direct these guys. I seem to feel inexperienced because with my ex, it was the same cookie cutter where he was the one who got off. I blamed men for not making me orgasm. But now I think it's ever looking at it wrong. So Dr. Emily is orgasming my responsibility

and men are just there to assist or should I go into sex with the mindset that they should be the ones making me orgasm. Once this question is answered, I can have a better understanding of what to do in the bedroom and possibly orgasm more myself. I just kind of wanted to read this because if you are faking orgasms, you are not destined to a life of forever faking.

I'm going to help you Carly get out of that and tell you what to say so you don't have to fake it anymore. And then also responsibility, Cassie, I totally related because I used to blame men. I'd be like, it's their responsibility. I didn't orgasm. Why aren't they good lovers? And I was like, Oh, shit. How can anybody else make you orgasm if you don't know yourself? And if you don't know yourself, I mean, do you have a bit of comfortable exploring your body and figuring out what feels good to you? So it's everybody's responsibility. So I think that's interesting. We're going to cover all of that. Why we do it? How to stop doing it?

And how to communicate about it. But let's talk to Fab, your Fab in Texas. Hey, Fab, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Your Fab. I knew it. Hi. I am. And that's really, that's really part of my name. I'm not giving that full name, but that is part of my name. I'm down with it. So I'm not part 40, but last year I had an Insta-Wrek to me. You know, when I started having issues, I feel like my and my partner, Stekplice, really changed, I think, apart because he really thought he was hurting me, which at one point I had terrible in the material sense that yes, at one point it was painful, but the hysterectomy has really rectified a lot of issues, and I haven't lost all my desire because I still have one functioning ovary and it's working over time

and it's fine, but I feel like we have this disconnect that we've never had before. And I heard you talking about faking orgasms. Number one, my first question is, can men fake orgasms? Yes. Number two, I'm trying to figure out how do we get back to that place of full passion, like we used to be before my health issues really took over. I mean, I'm just trying to get us back because we've simply in love. We used to have great chemistry, but then once all the health issues kicked in, I understand why he doesn't feel like he can explore or he can really do the things he wants to do because he's afraid of hurting me because it's happened before.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, Fab, this is, you know, thank you for sharing this. I just think it's such a common thing. Like, we want to get back to where it was and then things go awry and then, how do we talk about it without hurting our partners? And it's a whole thing.

But what I would recommend is talking to them about it, like, straight, like, outside the bedroom and let them know and just say, I just want to talk to you, babe. I know we even talked about our sex life in a while and it was really painful after my his direct to me, but I want you to know that I really love you and our sex life is so important to me.

I've had my best sex in my life with you. And I thought I should tell you that, you know, since the his direct to me, I'm not having pain, I'm actually feeling more turned on. I fantasize about you when I'm at work. And so, you know, I was wondering if we could kind of like talk about it, because I feel like maybe you're still, you know, worried about it, you know, what do you think about that?

Like really just a matter of you being curious and light and then saying, well, how have you been feeling about it lately? But just like that, you might feel really relieved, you might say, oh, I knew that, and then you'd be surprised, or you might say, oh my God, I'm so glad, I was so worried. So that's really what it is. That's where you start. Okay. Because we have that conversation and he has said, well I'm just afraid I'm hurting you. He was like when I've tried these things that you before, it really took me in a place

where I don't want to do those things. So a year later, I am in a better place, but I don't know if maybe I just need to be more patient. Yes. I think talk about it again. Maybe where I'm at. Okay, so I would just say, you know, I want to bring this up again because I want you know I'm really in a good place. So you might have to remind him, babe, but just want you to know, I feel good. Like you can still do those things, or I mean, you still want to do the things that he thought was painful. Yeah. Okay, good. okay yeah I mean no but you want to try the problem was my end of me true

because it was so bad that was dodgy style with painful and now it's like okay I'm in a good place you know I have to write treatment and I'm good but I think he's just so taken aback by my reaction in the past exactly that's what I'm saying struggling and I was thinking well what think he's just so taken aback by my reaction in the past. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I was thinking, well, what if he's baking it? What if, like, if he did tell me that what our sex is very vanilla right now, is that that's okay?

He's like, I'm not mad about it. Okay. But I don't know at what point you're comfortable. And then he's now taking it to where he thinks I'm talking about whips and chains. I'm just saying, let's just try to introduce you to me. Yeah. Because I'm in a better place.

Right. Listen, the sex talk with our partner is not a one-time conversation. It can't be because nobody learns from a one-time request, especially when it comes to sex. So now you can be listening, babe, let let me remind you, I wanna try things. You can do this position. I wanna do doggy style. I wanna try new things. And maybe then you initiate it.

Or you say this is what I wanna do. You gotta lead him. And then it won't take long. Once you have the conversation again, you might have to have it a third time. But sometimes we just need to hear it. We forget, life goes on. We don't believe it.

Maybe he was like, oh, she's saying that. You know what I mean? So it sounds like he's a very sensitive guy who really cares about your health, and that's all it is. So just let him know, like, I really care about our sexual pleasure and health together. So let's try it again.

I'm feeling good. I'm excited, you know? Do the things that turns them on and turn you on. Okay, so just have it again. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to. Okay, let me know it goes. I'm here, fab for you. Okay, thanks for calling.

Appreciate it. So much. Here, let me know it goes. I'm here, fab for you. Okay, thanks for calling. Appreciate it so much. Here's the thing, you guys. The sex conversation is so not a one time conversation. And I can't, if you were walking around going, well, clearly my partner doesn't want to initiate sex because I asked them, once, listen, have you ever changed a behavior because someone told you once?

Someone ever tell you something once, you're like, okay, it's all of a sudden, I'm going to start going to the gym. You know, like habit changing takes a beat. It takes a moment. And I think we assume, well, it was really hard to do this ask to my partner. And now they ignore me and I can't talk about it again. No, keep having the sex talk. The more you have the sex talk, the easier it gets the better sex you're going have. Period-end of story. That's how it works. Amanda just posted something

on the night. She's on the chat. Amanda, okay, Amanda's our content coordinator, and she just let me know on our Zoom chat that her ex caught her faking orgasms. Tell me everything. Yeah, this happened when I was younger. One morning I fixed my orgasms, probably like half the times we had had sex. And one morning we were at a Denny's. I'll never look at Denny's the same way. And without looking up from his menu, he just said, I can tell you've been faking your orgasms. And I was so embarrassed that I never did it again.

Wow, that's amazing. Did you do it in a minute? Yeah, well, I was shocked. Because I think I was like 21 or something too or 22. So I was just really embarrassed. But now I kind of see it as like, it was a gift. It is a gift, right? I love it. He called it out.

I love it. He said something to you. So Amanda, let me ask you. So why were you faking it? Do you remember why? Yeah, I thought I was expected to and I thought he would think I was sexier if I like orgasms or a sort of a combination of just wanting him to like me and wanting him to feel good. Yeah, isn't it funny that we do that that we're like, oh, now I'll be asked back or hope like me. I got it orgasm or I'm going to be deemed a bad lover when really it doesn't make any sense when to the knowledge.

The truth is when you come to realize is that you come more. No, but you come to realize is that you can come and that it's actually like your partners want to please you and be great lovers but authent authentically, like the ones that you really want to be with are like, oh, I want you to have a real orgasm. How can we get there? But we don't know that because we think we should be to orgasming like that, like men do. So how did you, what I love is that you finished,

that you were like, nope, I'm done. Like, Denny's no more grand slams, no more orgasms, like, no more faking. So then was it a process? How did you learn to orgasm with a partner? I got better at communicating what was working. So I stopped faking and it was interesting because I started realizing that some guys wouldn't even try.

Like after sex they'd just be like, did you come? And I'd say, no, I still didn't encourage them. And then I started dating somebody who was really about understanding what would work and what wouldn't work. So just being with somebody who encouraged experimentation. And then I started to learn more about my body. And so I felt more comfortable just trying new things. Yeah, that's the process.

I love that. That's such a good story. I mean, I really soon as we just got to be, we think that's going to be so horrific. It probably was in the moment. But this is why honesty with our partners, like, you know, we grow, like, look how much you might still be fake in orgasms, you know, who knows. I love that. Thank you for sharing that and that totally sums it up.

It's like, we want to please them. We think we'll be a better lover. It's like performative, right? And so it's like, oh, and then you probably faked it like how you heard in porn or I wonder how he knew. Do you remember what you did? I think now that I have like no one in real orgasm feels like there's such like a body reactions

to it, you know, there's such like a physical reaction that I'm sure they can like feel the difference. That's my guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. That's true. You hope that they can. Some can't. And what you also brought up is cause there's so many things here.

It's that, oh, something you just said about. We think that they expect it. They expect us to orgasm. I think that I used to feel that I got it down. Like I was like, okay, I kind of knew how it felt because I'd started to masturbate on my own. I didn't have an orgasm with a partner. So I was just faking, faking, and I was like, okay, I have to figure it out. Like I'm going to get into my own pleasure and then I'm going to explain to a partner. And so then what I realized, there's also those partners who don't care.

They roll over and they're like, did you have one? And now I'm just like, you would know. You would know. But again, those guys I've been with, they just roll over, don't even make an effort. Where I used to get frustrated to me, they just don't know. Like they don't have the knowledge. They've probably been with partners in the past who never felt safe telling them. And then sometimes when you bring it up to some of these guys, they're like, everyone

else I've been with has an orgasm. And I'm like, I guarantee you that every time you've had sex with someone for 3.2 minutes, like you just say with me that they did not have an orgasm. Statistically speaking, there is no way. But again, it's more like them not having the knowledge, and then not having the education that like, oh, women are slow-cookers, men can be more frying pans. We need more time to kind of like get going

and just sticking it in for the majority of penetrator sex. Not gonna work. Not gonna fly. Up next, I'll answer more of your questions about how to orgasm authentically, so don't go anywhere. Let's talk to Pete, 42 in Florida. Hi Pete, thanks for calling. Hi, thank you very much. Hi, thank you.

I'm all of course. I've been married now for 21 years, almost 22 years. And my life is complaining that my sense drive is not the way you used to be. I'm 42 years old. And we have sex once every couple of weeks I just I'm alright with it. What shall I do? Well Pete tell me what do you think? Has anything changed? Are you taking any medications? No I worked quite a bit and I find my wife exactly. Yeah there's into your 21. So yeah that's something too. It's just, I don't know. Yeah, there's into your 21.

So, yeah, that's something too. Here's a thing though. It sounds like you work a lot. Do you enjoy your job or are you in a stressful place? I'm in a stressful position. I'm a public servant, but it's not weird. Okay. So, you don't...

The thing is, first off, after the age of 40, men's testosterone starts to drop, and that's the hormone, you know, responsible for erections, like blood flow. How is your health, like do exercise? I try to get to gymnasium as much as I can. Yeah. I mean, part of it is blood flow, right? But I really think that to spice it up a lot of times the brain is our most powerful sex organ and how can you start to enhance the intimacy with the two of you?

Because right now it sounds like she's like, you're not in the mood and then you're like, feel bad that you're not in the mood. But I'm going to offer up a different kind of conversation you could have with her because you're saying that you want to be doing it more often. So it's a conversation of, you know, I know that I haven't been as intimately I'm tired. And I really think it's important for us to reconnect and I realize that it's been conversation of, you know, I know that I haven't been as intimately, I'm tired and I really think it's important for us to reconnect and I realize that it's been so stressful lately. And then maybe you guys could just, you've married 21 years, which is such a, in a way, it's a great place to be in because you have so much to work from.

Like it used to be more frequent and you could even say to her, well, let's have fun. Let's go out, you know, go out for dinner and talk about like the three most memorable times you've had sex. Like, have her say, what are the moments? Moments you remember, and I'll tell you mine. Or you could exchange bucket lists, things you want to try, fantasies you have, the things that get you in the mood. It's really just about having conversations with the goal of communicating so you can both

connect better. It's not to shame or to blame. We all want to go back to the first six months of dating, but that doesn't happen, but you can still be attracted to each other. Yeah, I got you on that. I mean, she asked me last night, this year's the primary attraction, I'm like, of course I do. So, that's my mind. I'm like, oh my god, I think my medicine for a little bit, because I have a hard time sleeping, so I take a sleep in bed. And as soon as I think that, my drive is like gone. And we have to appreciate that the home,

so it's not like, that's tough. I mean, you gotta wait until it's certain time, but that's why I'm born to slap out. Yeah. So I mean, you got to wait until it's turn time, but that's fine. I'm going to slap out. Yep. So I mean, you know, we're just briefly, and we're like funny. I mean, we're younger. OK, well, this good news. So Pete, you just need time and space.

So this is what you need. You got to recreate that feeling at home. So I don't know how cold your kids are and how self-sufficient are they, young kids? No, they're teenagers. Okay, so listen, mom and dad are going to go have some time. We need some intimate time to connect. I know that might be horrifying to you, but that's how I think it needs to go. You got a plan.

Now you know, okay, I get up, I take my sleeping med, I fall asleep by eight or nine. So now between seven and eight, six and seven, thirty, you guys are like, okay, I get up, I take my sleeping med, I fall asleep by eight or nine. So now between seven and eight, six and seven, 30, you guys are like, okay, we're gonna go do it at this time, you gotta schedule the sex around your schedule when it works, because if you keep waiting when you're not tired and you're not with the kids, it'll never happen. Listen, when our partners aren't in the mood for sex,

the first thing we think is they're not attracted to us and everyone does it, all genders. We're like, well, it must be me, it must be me. You gotta reinforce her and say, of they're not attracted to us. And everyone does it. All genders were like, well, it must be me. It must be me. You got to reinforce her and say, of course, I'm attracted to you. I am so attracted to you. Our sex life is so important.

Let's problem solve here. That's what has to happen to answer your question. Is that we got to figure it out? Maybe you said the alarm earlier in the morning by 20 minutes, or you cancel plans with something, or you go up in the room an hour earlier, like 20 minutes, you know how long it takes, okay? You sure kill me if I wake her up at 4 a.m.

and have sex with me. Well, yeah, so then it's at night. It's you saying, before I take my pill, sleeping pill, let's get upstairs. Let's do the dishes in the morning. You know what I'm saying? Just, we need this because it's your sustenance. It's what keeps you intimate, connected.

We need the oxytocin connection, which is the cuddle hormone that connects us. And so you gotta just figure it out because what I love is that there's not a problem here, you would have vacation and it was great. So you just need this space and time. And you can create that in your home. Yes, ma'am.

All right, thank you. Let me know how it goes. I'll be here for you. I wanna hear your success stories. You guys, a lot of you were like, thank you. I listened, I call you, email me. What worked? Cause I actually wanna interview you now.

Like how did you take email me. What worked? Because I actually want to interview you now. Like, how did you take this advice on the show? I want to know what helped email me. Feedback at sexwithmla.com. And in all social media, it's at sex with Emily. Okay. Let's talk to David 57 in Michigan. Hi David.

Hi there, I'm from Minnesota. Oh, Minnesota. Got it. I saw the M.I. I got excited because Michigan. I'm from Michigan, but you're a Minnesota. I saw the MIA. Got excited because Michigan. I'm from Michigan, but you're a Minnesota. I get people do that all the time to me too. What's going on?

Well, I'm 57 of my 161 and our sex life is like dull and void. We haven't had any dulling things for over a year. Every time we do, if we try, it's like, don't quit. Don't do that. And if we ever get to do then of course it hurts so it's kind of hard to get romantic when you do something like that and it hurts even though we're used to move and all that good stuff it kind of hard to for me to keep going when I'm going and I just don't

know what to do I mean see the hot looking lady still at 61 man I'm a tractor-tower but like I said she's always in looking lady still at 61 and I'm a tractor tour. But like I said, she's always in a bad mood, that you need to have an orgasm. You gotta get that out of there, you know? I said, I'm in a great mood. I masturbate every week, you know? But I just, I don't know what to do to get her to cover out.

Yeah, you know, I feel like- 25 years. Yeah, David, that's a long time you'd have you talked or about it. Have you ever said, listen, our sex life is so important to me, our intimacy, and I really want to find a way to continue to be intimate with each other and have sex and find out a way for you to do without pain. Well, I try and it's, it's just a little bit, sex is the only thing in America I'm like, oh, but we're not 90 years old out on the rocket chair.

I don't know. I got to have sex or something. And she's like, oh, well. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I hear you, Dave. There's a thing. So you said is because she's having pain every time? Yeah.

When we have intercourse, she has, you know, and I'm told her to have it checked out at the doctor and she said, did you ever get older? And this is the end of the night. But I realize that. But you know get older, this is the end of life, but I realize that. But you know, like it's just happens, like it's been, we're not 80 years old, I'm the rocket chair. No, you're not done. Listen, people are having sex in their 80s.

You know, you're not done yet. And I think that this is what happens. You know, I would recommend that she goes to see a pelvic floor physical therapist or a hormone doctor because for many women, it could be because of, you know, we get older, men are losing testosterone, we're losing estrogen. As a result of estrogen, our vaginal walls start to thin. They start to, you know, after-free and they get less lubricated and then we have pain, but no one tells us that and it's kind of a bummer.

And then we just think, well, I can live without sex because it's become too painful. And so, and then we forget that we liked it and then we don't prioritize it. But I think the important thing is to let her know, it's really hard to have these conversations, especially she's made up her mind, and she's embarrassed about it, or she's just like, yeah, no, I know. But like, how does your wife learn? Like, you know, you've been with her 25 years.

Is there any way that you know to talk to her where she's finally like kind of agreed to take a step that she previously been against. I don't know. I mean, we've used toys and all that stuff. She's like, she's dead down there. Yeah, I mean, listen, you guys could do some mutual masturbation. Listen, she probably has the ability to have a clitoral orgasm.

So she just, it's just the penetration that hurts her. So I would recommend that you guys are still sexual and connected. Again, we have a lot of stuff on our website. It's sexathemic.com. We've got so many great posts about this and what to do with vaginal pain. And so for me, I like education, I like learning about things. And then I'm like, oh, okay, well, this isn't easy fix. I just need to go see this kind of doctor.

And maybe if you let her know, you've got to use feeling words and not like, oh, you never, but saying to her, you know, I feel less connected to you and we're not having, we're not as intimate. I feel like it's harder to connect, and I want to do everything I can and support you as your husband. I'll go on the stern you with you. Let's go see a doctor together. And I know you might say, but she won't, she won't, and that's on you because I don't you know how you can get your wife to get

there. But know that it's an ongoing conversation. You can't let it go because it does matter. And she says she doesn't master maybe. She has that. I think once then on her ever is first in front 25 years, she masturbated once. And that was like, I mean, that was years and years and years ago. She did it. We just time that she starts again. That was that one time. Maybe you could, yeah, I hear you, you know, it's really common. They sometimes women think I'm in a relationship.

I don't need to masturbate, but this is what I'm talking about. Sex beget sex. So we can get her to have some orgasms get on board. It's like going to the gym, right? Like we so hard to get back on it, we don't go. And then we go, we're like, oh, it feels so good. So if you could kind of find a way to get her into the pleasure zone again,

that's, and I would keep talking to her about it. And I'm here with Dr. a hormone specialist that specializes in women's sexual health. The other thing I'm gonna tell you about is a pelvic floor physical therapist. Pelvic floor, like a PT, like a PT for your vagina. We have information on our website at sexelme.com but we got to go now you can call me back

and let me know how that first conversation goes. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemleaf.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪