Sex With Emily - New Ways to Play: Pain, Temperature & More

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Bored in bed? It happens. Sexual boredom doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship – but it is a cue that you’re ready for novelty. So save this episode because it’s an entire guide to spicing up your sex. First, I start with the when and where: how does the time of day affect your arousal? And where can you do it besides the bedroom? Next, we make your favorite sex positions more interesting and exciting with tweaks you can try right now. Finally, I give you beginner-friendly kink with sensory deprivation, temperature play and hurts-so-good pain play. Right this way to easy kink and tons of low-lift ways to play.Show Notes:6 Ways to Infuse Intimacy into Your WeeknightsThe Boner Breakdown: All the Types of Erections You Can HaveSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)SONA 2 Travel from LELO (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off sitewide)VIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free CBD Sleep Gummies Sample)Je Joue Massage CandlesLe Wand Crystal WandLe Wand Stainless Steel HoopFirefly Glass DildoSystem JO Flavored LubesCurvy Girl Sex by Elle Chase: Bookshop | Amazon | Barnes & NobleORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSex With Emily: Home Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I just want to remind you guys that we are covered in nerve endings and erotic zones and secondary erotic zones and they're all available to you at any time that we should really never ever get bored again, especially after this show. Okay? No excuse. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Whether you're in a relationship, having casual sex, or simply wanting to spice up your masturbation routine, so many of you ask me about ways to enhance your pleasure. Well, in this episode, I'm giving you all specific, easy, and accessible tips to add novelty to your sex life and also giving you some of my favorite toy and product wrecks to help you spice things up. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really helps us. My new articles, six ways to infuse intimacy into your weeknights and the boner breakdown, all the types of erections you can have are up on Sex with Emily dot com. Before we get in

today's episode, I have something to share with you all. I'm really excited for this. My new online store shop with Emily is live. Now I've always wanted to do this. So for almost 20 years, I've been testing literally every sex toy, every loob, every product on the market. And I have my favorites. I have the things I recommend. So now I have a curated site that has all of my favorites. And you know that it is sex with Emily approved. I've got loobs, plugs,

vibes, couples toys, candles, sex draws, basically everything you need for a pleasure-filled life. Free shipping on orders over $69. I'm guessing you won't forget that number. And we ship with discrete packaging all over the US. When you go to our website, sexwithelmie.com, just click on the shop button at the top and it will take you to our online store. Or you can just go straight to shop.sexthemely.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. What is the most common question I get asked

in my profession? Is this? Hey, Dr. Emily, do you have any quick tips for spicing it up? It makes sense right? We're in a relationship for a while and we're craving something new. And sexually we're all wired for novelty. Our brains habituate to the same thing over and over again, whether that's certain food or sex positions. And in fact, declining sexual interest in a long-term partnership is probably to be expected. Not necessarily a sign that there's something wrong with your relationship.

I want to remind you that because I used to believe that when I was younger. I used to believe that if there's a problem with the sex life, it must mean that the sex life is over because it was so great at the beginning and guess what I would do. I'd break up with that partner and I'd move on up on a new partner. And the sex would be amazing again. For at least, you know, a year or six months and then it wasn't. The same thing would happen. Now I understand we need to work on our sex life

and by that I mean it's really just understanding what we all crave and we crave communication and variety. So in this episode, I'm gonna give you some very easy ways to introduce novelty to your sex life. So I'm going to give you some ideas for when and where to have sex, evolving your favorite go to positions. We're going to take them to another level and intro level ways to play. And I've got a quick challenge for you. When you're listening to this episode, do me a favor, do yourself a favor, pick one activity you hear in the episode today and try it out with yourself or a part of this week. Then report back to me,

come find me on Instagram or TikTok and sex with Emily and just leave me a comment about how it went. I really wanted to know how this has worked for you and just think of me as your sex coach and I'm holding you accountable, okay? All right, let's kick things off by meeting you exactly where you are and just making a few tweaks. And I'm talking about when you have sex and where you have sex. So when you have sex is interesting because you're going to bring a different energy to it depending on whether you do it first thing in the morning, midday or after you've done

some work or errands or at night when you're settling down or after a date night with your partner. Most people have sex in the evening, which makes sense. We know this, but for penis owners, testosterone levels are highest in the morning, so that's why a lot of our male partners wake up with erections in the morning, a few of a penis. But what does that really mean, like in lay terms? Well, testosterone is one of the hormones involved in sex drive and arousal. So you might find that after waking up, brushing your teeth, doing whatever it is you need to do before solo or partnered sex, you might get aroused more easily or like I said, you just woke up already roused.

I ask you to experiment with this one and see what changes when you have sex in the morning. You could either save this for a long morning, this weekend, you know, when you don't have to rush out to bed or set your alarm a bit earlier than you normally would on a work day. I don't know about you, but trying to start the day with an orgasm might be just what you need. For me, it always feels really good.

I never regret having an orgasm in the morning or working out in the morning. Now, I'll say for many Volvo owners, morning sex can be a bit tougher. That's not typically when we're at our peak arousal, but again, for penis owners sleeping with penis owners, this could be the perfect way to start the day. Another suggestion here is trying afternoon sex. If you and a partner can swing it during the work day or prioritize it on the weekends, and in fact, for those of you who aren't early risers

and get too tired for sex at night, afternoon sex could be the perfect way to spice up when you have sex. It's really hot. Like if you and your partner meet up for lunch in a middle of the day for quick afternoon delight, you know, meet you at home, we've got an hour, you know, that's always a fun thing to do.

So in order to switch up when you've sex, it might require a bit of scheduling, but please do not get turned off by scheduling sex. I know it doesn't sound sexy at all. The last thing you want to do is be like looking at your calendar and seeing all the things you have to do and then you see sex. However, it is one of my go-to tips for a whole lot of sex challenges and has been proven successful time after time.

Because here's the deal with scheduling sex. When there's one partner who wants sex more than the other, which happens in every single relationship, you often get caught up in this cycle or one person's initiating and the other person saying no, not right now, honey, and then it becomes a cycle and someone feels rejected. When you have sex on the calendar, you know that it's going to happen. You can build up to it. You can look forward to it. You can talk to your partner about maybe like what you want to do like if Saturday night is your night for sex. I just am a huge fan of it,

especially if we're talking about the when to have sex and you're looking to mix up when you actually do it. You really want to think about scheduling sex as your friend. Another thing that's going to help you experience more of this variety, let's get into the where, where you have sex is another component of variety and ways that you can vary the sex you're having to keep, you know, interesting and hot. Most of us are having sex in the same bedroom, sometimes in the same positions all the time, And I get it, it's comfortable, there's room, you're used to it, you're a new routine, and a pattern, you fall asleep afterwards, it's a win-win. However, check this out.

The 2021 study of 2000 Americans found that a lot of you are having sex in more creative places. 76% reported having sex outdoors, and 69% had sex in a place where they risked getting caught. Any guesses where that might be? But here's the real takeaway from this study. Over half of the respondents, 58%, said that having sex somewhere other than a bed made them happier in their relationship. Meanwhile, 7 and 10 said that having sex in an adventurous location made them feel closer

to their partner. So ask yourself, talk to your partner, where could I have sex that's not the bedroom? And not even take you to leave your house. It could be in the living room couch, it could be in the extra bedroom, it could be in the kitchen, it could be in the laundry room. I actually don't care where you have it, but the point is, you have sex somewhere new, somewhere different where you're not staring at the same ceiling sitting on the same side of the bed that you always do in having some variety and mixing it up.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break before getting into some other fun, relatively easy tweaks, and that's changing up common sex positions. Alright, if you have a copy of Smart Sacks, my new book, you know I've got a whole chapter devoted to this, and this is ideas for positions and how to change them up. So let's talk real quick, three ideas to evolve, three popular sex positions. Let's start with missionary, everyone's favorite. Now the most traditional way to perform missionary is face to face with the receiving partner laying down and the penetrating partner on top. Now because it's so common, many of you will find

themselves disassociating a bit in this position, meaning you leave the room, you're thinking about their things, maybe you're fantasizing about something else or you're still worried about things from the day and you're just not feeling as connected to your partner. Maybe you're bored, thinking about Netflix, I don't know. But let's make this hotter for you. And this is all about your legs. If you're the recipient, so you're on the bottom, try lifting your legs and resting them on your partner's shoulders. You can always wrap your legs around their waist instead of their shoulders or you could put your legs up in the air over their head for really deep penetration. See this position when you move your legs up,

allow you to have even deeper penetration. So play around and see what feels best to you and your partner. I think that missionary is a wonderful position for a lot of reasons, but if you want to spice it up and you want it to see how you can get kind of a little bit deeper and have more sensation, just try to play with your legs. That's an easy fix. Other thing about this position is you could do the coil to alignment technique. This works better when the penis owner is on top and essentially they're

just scooting up a little bit further. So their head is sort of above the head of their partner and they're doing an up and down motion rather than like a side to side or swirling around because this allows them to grind even more on their partner's pubic bone, clitoris, and for many the cat position or chord alignment technique has given many orgasms to a lot of vulva owners who play with it this way. By the way, this also applies to using a strap on. Let's go into Doggy Style, or as I call it, rear entry position. So in studies on sex positions,

and yes, there's many studies in sex positions, this consistently ranks as one of the most popular. People are just love and doggy style all around the globe. The most traditional way to perform this rear entry is one partner on all fours, get it like doggy style. While the other partner penetrates from behind, usually holding their partner's hips. Now, depending on the angle,

this could feel amazing to the receiving partner or it might feel too deep, especially if you're arching your back or you just feel like you're not getting enough sensation in this position, which could be the case if you're the receiver. Because this position is popular, it might start to feel a little row, you might start to feel a little bit disconnected from your partner. Let's make it hotter for you. So a tweak is called the flat iron.

So if you're the receiving partner, meaning you're the one being penetrated, what you're going to do here is you you're gonna lie flat on your belly while the giver enters you from behind. So it's a more forgiving position. If you can lie flat, you don't have to really be holding yourself up on all fours. And if you're the vulva owner, you can lift your butt up just slightly to give yourself room for a toy. Because remember this, so many vulva owners, the majority, require literal stimulation for peak arousal. So this way, guaranteed, you're going to have

pleasure as the receiver and being able to stimulate your clitoris at the same time. So while the penetration is happening, you pleasure yourself with the vibe. So here's a super fun hack. Why not try a sex toy that mimics oral sex. One that I love is the Sona 2 travel from Leilo. I love that it's great for travel and to the street, but basically it's a compact version of their Sona 2 and it's perfect. Again, if you're traveling in the summer or for anyone who wants to be able to throw it in a bag, have it ready for all the places you might be having sex. Most of my toys are travel ready and on the go. I always keep toys in my bag, in my car,

I'm a carry on, I keep toys wherever I go. So this one uses gentle sonic pulses to simulate the feeling of oral sex. And these pulses resonate deep into the internal structures of the clitoris for an entirely new sensation, which is pretty incredible. Thank you for this way. You're getting vaginal penetration from your partner

while getting the feeling of oral sex on your clitoris. It's honestly the perfect recipe for a blended orgasm. We have a literal and internal orgasm at the same time. Please try this. Let me know how it goes. I love hearing back from you all. Oh, by the way, you know I love Lalo. They do make some of the best luxury toys out there.

So if you want to try out the Sonantoo Travel, you could get 25% off all Lalo products, which is actually really generous of them. Use the code sexwithemilyet. Check out lalo.com, lalo.com. Use code sexwithemily for 25% off. Click the link in our show notes. All right, another position is spooning.

Now, this one is all about comfy sex. I love spooning position but I want to give you some hacks here to make it even more interesting. So just as a reminder the most traditional way to perform spooning is both partners are lying on their sides with the receiving partner facing away and the penetrating partner facing their back and penetrating from behind. But unlike other positions, there's no surface to bear down on, which can make thrusting a little bit awkward, but I really do love the intimacy of this position. And this one's also great for morning sex, by the way. Okay, let's make this one hotter for you. So here's a tweak called

forking. So if you're the receiver, wrap your top leg back around the top of your partner's legs. And if you're a vulva owner, you're going to get more G-area stimulation while still providing plenty of access to the clitoris. This is really fun for like fingers or a toy. Your partner can also wrap their top leg around your body for extra skin to skin contact, which is really hot. So basically when the legs are involved, they're able to pull you even closer with their leg around you. And that's why when they're penetrating you, you're going to feel it even deeper and more intensely, and you'll be able to adjust your bodies together.

I really like this hack, forking, so you got to check it out. Check out the fork. Got a fork. Gotta fork. Let's talk about some new ways to play. Okay, first thing, you could be really vanilla or really kinky and try these ideas. You know, I like to provide ideas for everyone. Now, sometimes when I say play,

people think that's a big code word for kink, you know? And maybe it is, but I think we should all think of sex more as play. I certainly don't want to think of as a duty or something to check off a list. I'll tell you that. These are fun ways to play with your senses, which I know benefits all of us. So on that note, first, there's sensory deprivation. And that's when you take away a sense or an ability, like movement movement to make sex that much more unpredictable. Now, blindfolds are a classic way to do it. In my opinion, it's a perfect compliment to temperature play,

which I'm gonna get to in a moment. But the thing about blindfolds and what I'm talking about with senses, when you take away one sense, all the other senses become more heightened. It instantly makes us more to to touch and sound and smell and taste. So that's why we talk about playing with blindfolds and temperatures and all these different ways to

sort of make sex more exciting and interesting. You can also use restraints to tie your partners wrist together or you can tie them to the bed. And by taking away their ability to move just a little, it establishes a tiny bit of power play, which might be really hot and appealing to you. Again, this is a little bit of bondage and fun, but it doesn't mean like it has to be so extreme. It's just really hot when you have a very clear delineation of power where someone's a little bit more control and then you can always switch roles and have the other person tie the other person up next time. So I'm just telling you, this is a great easy way

to play with something new. And for many, it's really tidal today. I've always heard great feedback on the old blindfold or tying your hands together using restraints. Another thing you could try to spice it up is taking an edible. Listen, cannabis promotes relaxation and also increases sensitivity.

And I know maybe you have had a bad experience with cannabis. It didn't work for you in the past. We all of those experiences where maybe we ate too much and it wasn't measured or we spoke too much. And I think that's happened to people throughout their lifetime. Are we here horror stories? But in 2023, cannabis, it's just a different time.

It's a different day. These products are well-dosed, you know, exactly what you're taking. There's one product time, it's a different day. These products are well-dosed, you know exactly what you're taking. There's one product I've been loving that I just have to share for any of you who like cannabis or you've been wanting to try it out. The High Love THC libido gummies by Via Hemp Company are next level. You're going to feel that dreamy onset, you're going to feel it in your body, you're going to feel it in your mind.

But it also has pleasure enhancing herbs like Damiana, which increases blood circulation for more arousal and general sensitivity. So that's just why I love using little bit of edibles it gets you out of your head and into your body. So I'd love to know what you think. All right, let's talk about some other easy ways to play with your senses.

Let's talk about temperature play. This one is so hot and easy to do. In fact, it's reminding me that I haven't done this in a while. I want to do it because I love temperature play. So you can bring hot or cold into the bedroom to spike a rousal, wake up your neural receptors, making your skin all the more sensitive to touch. So one idea is hot play. And that's where you light a body safe massage candle. You pour little melted warm wax into your hands and then you rub it on your partner's inner thighs. You pour it on their back. It's not like waxy or hot. This is not a

regular candle. It's just so luxurious and warm. I love a massage candle, especially J.J. you. Has these candles amazing scents like Jasmine Lilly and Mandarin. I love these candles. I have one on either side of my night set right now. And both of these are actually available on my new online store shop.sexwithendly.com. Okay, so you could use candles, but here's a way to use hot and cold.

You could use a crystal, stainless steel or glass toy. I recommend the Leouand Crystal Wand. It's made out of crystal and it's such a beautiful toy or the Leouin stainless steel hoop or the Firefly Glass Dildo. So you can use glass, steel or crystal. Again, these are also in my store. I will leave these in the show notes.

But again, this is such a fun way to play because all you gotta do is drop these tools into ice water or hot water, put them in the freezer, and then you experiment with insertion, temperature, and it feels really good, especially on a hot day to have a cold toy inserted inside of you or rubbed over you. So just make sure you gotta be careful and always test out that it's not too hot and not too cold. Listen, if you're masturbating, awesome. You can rub on your own thighs. This is all stuff in every show I always have to include if people who are single or in a relationship, it's all good. But do you know how good it feels to have something really cold against your

thighs or maybe even your nipples? And because of the proximity to your genitals, especially when you're rubbing your own thighs, the inner thighs are a really powerful, rodent zone. So when you use temperature closely to this area, it's going to stimulate all the Zerousal zones, which also it feels so good when a partner teases us or kisses us on our inner thighs. That's why it's all connected. At the flip side, another thing you can do

is use like a menthol infused balm on the nipples for a cold sensation. Our brains process the sensations of menthol the same way they process cold. So if you apply a little nipple balm and you blow, it's just a jolt to this nerve rich area. Finally, there's pain play. Now remember, these are just intro-level ideas, you know, for you to play around with. Easy stuff. We're not getting too crazy here. And obviously, communication is a really big one here. Before you haul off and spank your partner or do something without asking you have to get

consent and ask would you be into spanking that seems to actually be the most accessible to many people and you can do this with your hand you don't need a flogger or a paddle take your hand keep your fingers together and just sort of find the big fleshy areas and give a smack and see how it goes. Because remember, also, there's a lot of nerve endings here. This might feel very good to your partner. You gotta practice, but I think it's really fun to practice on a partner and ask them for a direct feedback like how does this feel?

Hair pulling. That's another accessible move that again, you can scale up or down, a cannot emphasize consent enough. This is one area kind of putting it up there with choking where I think some people assume that everyone wants their hair pulled or ever wants to be choked, not the case at all. So you want to get consent, but how you could start is gently with your fingers in their hair. And then you can increase it little by little as a sexual intensity increases and see what their reaction is. How are they responding

to it? Do they like it? Are they saying, out? And even honestly, if you don't pull, but just the act of putting your fingers through your partner's hair, our scalp is also covered in nerve endings and it can feel wonderful. Even if it's not like pain play, it just, ah, how great does it feel to have like your head scratched or someone's like, just holding on to you in that way. I just want to remind you guys that we are covered in nerve endings and erogenous zones and secondary erogenous zones and they're all available to you at any time that we should really never ever get bored again, especially after this show, okay?

No excuse. Finally, you can try sucking, nibbling, or even biting erogenous zones. Remember that? I'm telling you, net kissing, you know, kissing on the side of the mouth, the inner elbow, the inner thighs. There are so many arises on our body that feel incredible when we do a little nibble,

a little suck. So again, start gently and then you can work up to it and see how your partner responds. Here's some other areas like the ears, the nipples. These are all great areas that can have a little bit of pain and a lot of pleasure, especially when you're already into the moment and your blood is flowing, it's just kind of fun to play around with all of these areas. Alright, there you have it. So many ideas when and where you have sex, how to tweak your positions, and then how to play in bed with some sensory stimuli. Alright, let's take a short break and when we come back, I'll take all your questions.

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sleep gummies, I promise you they work. That's viiihmp.com or click the link in our show notes and use code Emily at checkout to say 15%. Alright everyone, we'll be back to answer your questions in a moment. This is from Brook 28 in Pennsylvania. Hi, Dr. Emily. I love your show and what you do. My partner is a male and I have a fun and active sex life, but sometimes we struggle with certain positions. My partner is a great size.

I would guess about 6 inches, but we are both on the thicker side and of trouble getting into certain positions, like spooning, standing up facing each other, and even sometimes reverse cowgirl, depending where we are and the angle. It seems like whenever we try a position where we're standing or lying parallel to each other, we just can't get close enough for penetration. We both want to try new and fun positions, but we're a little stuck. And tips or suggestions for other positions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again, so much for everything you do. All right, Brooke, thank you so much for your question. So here's a few tips that will help you with this common challenge that couples face. First, you want to have plenty

of pillows to support yourself and your partner. You can use them to raise your butt or your hips, provide back support. You can also use a bolster pillow or just roll up a towel and put it under your knees to prevent any back pains. I mean, pillows are a great position hack for anyone, really, if you're trying to play with the angle to deepen the penetration. So let's talk about doggy style. So many people find this position helpful because your stomach is facing

away from your partner. So there's a lot more easier access to your genitals with your stomach facing away and you can also arch down with your chest on the bed while you lift your butt into the air. So you're not really on all fours and your partner can penetrate you while your chest is on the bed. You won't have to hold the position as much because essentially you're lying on the bed and they have easier access to your behind. And for reverse cowgirl, you could try this

with your husband sitting on the bed or on a chair with you riding him on top. In fact, having one partner like your husband sit on any surface can be really helpful for both of you, both penetrative and oral sex. So basically you want to play with different levels and heights that may work for you. Just make sure to keep communicating about what feels good to both of you. This is a really great time for you both to practice collaboration, which is the third

pillar of sexual intelligence as I talk about my book. And finally my friend L. Chase wrote a book called Curvy Girl Sex and it's just chock full of positions so I would definitely get that book. Just be explorative, try some new things out and use pillows. Alright, this is from Jean-Pierre 38 in New Jersey. Hey Dr. Emily, I love oral, especially giving but receiving as well. But my wife dislikes giving and receiving.

I'm open to anal play for me with a toy, but she thinks I'm dirty. I'm more kinky with cuffs or blindfolds. Her, not so much. For me, the Oral is the most important aspect of it all. I feel like I'm not getting the pleasure I want. I obviously can't make her give me Oral, but are there ways to make giving Oral more enjoyable for her? I just want her to be more open to the idea of giving. Thanks a lot. Thank you so much for your question,

and I hear you. It can be really frustrating when our partner isn't open to exploring sex like we are, but also please know this is really common. We often find, in a relationship, there is one partner who's sort of pushing the sex agenda, the sex talk, and there's another partner who hasn't had a lot Experienced talking about sex and doesn't really want to talk about it and maybe she doesn't know what she wants actually So maybe she's not having a lot of pleasure during sex either again No fault to you, but it sounds to me like maybe your wife hasn't had a lot of experience Really

Vocalizing what she wants or what she needs or exploring because if these things are all like a hard No for her like no toys and no cuffs and no blindfolds and not giving oral sex Sounds to me that she just hasn't had a lot of experience around sex really with her own pleasure So if you had some conversations with her and asked her what feels good to her What does she want to try in the bedroom? What would be hot for her? That's where I would start and then you could continue to collaborate together and find out what feels good for both of you Because what I'm hearing is perhaps a wife who hasn't spent a lot of time talking about it Experiment with sex and so whenever you ask for something she just sort of says no and pushes back and again

This is common. It's gonna take some time It's gonna take some unpacking. You know, maybe she's got some earlier issues around sex or around giving that have preventing her from getting into her pleasure. And I think you can really help her with some really careful conversations where you're open, you're curious, you're compassionate, you ask questions and you listen, well really allow you guys to get to another place where you're both getting your needs met and getting what you want in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. And specifically when it comes to oral sex, if you want to know how to make it more enjoyable for her, I think you could also ask her what would make it more enjoyable. For some people, it's maybe the hygiene. Maybe she would love if you took a shower before sex and then she'd be more willing to

you know, go down and you. I love some flavored lube for time oral sex. We've got some excellent flavored loobs on our new store on our website I would actually ask her and see what is it about oral sex. How could you make it more comfortable? But some of the things I know for sure are hygiene or taste But also maybe she's not sure she's doing it right so you could also ask her if it would be okay to let her know what feels good to you Sometimes some women get overwhelmed by it and they think I'm not very good at it I don't know what feels good. So really, again, this all comes down to excellent communication and finding out what would really make it work for her. This is from Brock at 25 in Massachusetts. Another Brock, here we go.

I'm in a new relationship and I haven't sexed again for the first time in a couple years. I struggle with painful sex. The first couple times we're together, but now it just feels like nothing. I feel no pleasure from penetration and struggle to feel any pleasure during foreplay as well. When it comes to sex, I find I have to remind myself to focus because my mind starts to wander. It's hard to feel like I'm giving up and rushing to have sex just as a means to an end and go to bed. Mentally I feel turned on, but physically I can't seem to get there. I can orgasm with literal stimulating toys on my own but lately that's been even more difficult. So, Brooke, I'm wondering. First, I want to talk to you about the pain. It's really common for

all the owners to experience pain during sex. I always recommend you get this checked out by a pelvic floor physical therapist and kind of get to the bottom of what the pain is. It sounds to me like you're saying the pain went away but I'm wondering if maybe you've just disassociated from the pain. And if that's why you're waiting to just kind of get it over with, because you know, women are really strong. We men are strong too in their own ways, but we give through go through childbirth in our periods once a month and we deal with a lot.

And so I don't want this to be happening. I don't want you to still be experiencing pain, but just sort of again, disassociating or leaving your body. So I'm just making sure there isn't any lingering pain. The other question I have for you is, you know, has anything changed? You're saying you're having a harder time having an orgasm right now or stimulating yourself

with a toy. Have you started any new medications? Often we find that birth control pills or SSRIs, which are antidepressants, can really impact people's ability to orgasm, to get a rouse, turn on, blood flow, some also wondering if there's been any change in your medical history. All that said, I want to remind you too that penetration is not where the magic is for so many vulva owners.

In fact, you know, a lot of it comes from a literal stimulation for a play warming us up. We're not even going to have orgasms during penetration. So I would really start to talk to your partner and see if you can slow things down. Maybe you prolong for a play, making out, taking your clothes off, having your partner go down on you, maybe using the toy with you or on you and using lots of lube and breathing, going slow is a wonderful way to connect more to your body and those nerve endings that might be just clenched. And remember, it's always okay to use toys with your partner. So, if it's been more difficult on your own, bringing it into a partner and sharing that experience

the partner can really enhance intimacy and help bring couples closer together. And as a reminder, toys also can feel wonderful on our partner's bodies, on their shafts, all over. If you're with a penis owner, just remember toys are fun for everyone. Thanks for your question, Brooke. I definitely would love you to really make sure that you're not experiencing any pain and I hope you're able to talk to your partner about this so you can find some ways to find pleasure. There is nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. I hear this often that a lot of people will understand, don't feel things during sex, but that doesn't have to be your norm.

So let's get to the bottom of it. Alright, Brooke, thanks so much for your question and I appreciate you. And thanks everyone for tuning in today. I love you all. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share

this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemla.com