Sex With Emily - No Shame in Your Fantasy Game

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

What’s your biggest fantasy? It might be watching your partner with someone else, group sex, or sex in a public place. All answers are welcome because there’s no shame in your fantasy game! In this episode, I discuss the psychology behind your fantasies, how to bring them up with a partner and why having a rich fantasy life is an important part of your overall sexual health. Then I reveal the top fantasies you shared with me on Instagram.I also answer your questions including, what to do if you fantasize about a best friend, how to be a third in a threesome, and explore latex, panty, and foot fetishes.Show Notes:Podcast with Justin LehmillerDating apps: Craigslist, Feeld, OkCupid, FetLife, Adult Friend Finder, #Open Yes, No, Maybe ListTips For Better Communication Free GuideFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When we are judging our fantasies, we're stuck. But when we don't attach any meaning to them, then you might find that there's even more fantasies coming into your head, and you'll feel more free, and we'll just feel better in our relationships. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So what is your biggest fantasy? Maybe it's watching a partner with someone else, it's role-playing, maybe it's something else entirely. Well, I share your top fantasies from you, my listeners, that you shared on Instagram. What they actually mean, how you can bring up to a partner, and why you don't have to share all of your fantasies with another person. But also, why sexual fantasies are important. I also answer questions about how to break out of the friend zone.

What to do if you fantasize about a best friend? How about if you struggle to fantasize about anything? Plus, I break down everything you to know about three sums, latex, panties, and foot fetishes. And remember this about fantasies. We all have fantasies, and there should be no shame in having fantasies. Alright, intentions of Emily for each show join me in setting an intention when you're

listening to think about what you want to get out of this episode. I do it before every show and my intention was to give you a deep understanding of sexual fantasies and the permission to do so without shame. Alright everyone, enjoy the show. Alright, real talk, sexual fantasies, what's the deal? Essentially, a fantasy is any thought that turns you on. Maybe it's a mental image or a pattern of thought that stirs you sexually and then enhances your sexual rouse. And I want to tell you that it's okay to fantasize. It's actually part of being sexually healthy is having a rich fantasy life. They can enhance your relationship with your partner, help you understand yourself

and your own sexuality, and there's a lot of important information that's revealed in our fantasies. The most common fantasies. Three sums. Group sex. Non-monogamy. BDSM. bonded to discipline, steno-mascasm, oral sex, anal sex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, so either, you know, the fantasy of someone watching you sex or you're watching others having sex,

in fact, get this. You want to know what the psychology behind fantasies? You should listen to a past episode I did with Justin Lay Miller. We can put that in the show notes. But he wrote a book, Tell Me What You Want, The Science of Desire, and How Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. And I did a podcast with him a few years ago, but I thought you'd find this interesting. Okay, group sex, 89% of people have said that they've had a threesome fantasy. And this is all genders, but what does that say about your psychological needs? Well, Justin found that group sex fantasies were linked to a desire to feel of three-some fantasy. And this is all genders, but what does that say about your psychological needs? Well, Justin found that group sex fantasies were linked to a desire to feel sexually

competent and be irresistible. And usually when we're having a group sex fantasy, could be an orgy, could be a threesome, we are the center of attention. Now, hey, it's okay if you don't fantasize about group sex, maybe you fantasize about passion and romance. What might that fantasy mean? Well, if you have frequent fantasies about watching a sunset and then making love on the beach, it might mean that you're somebody who really craves feelings of love and intimacy. People who have more dominant fantasies, turned out they want to receive approval and to feel desired. So fantasies can say a lot about us, but you don't need to get into this psychology. Today's show, I just want you to know that it's common. And there is

a lot of psychology behind it. One more thing I want to mention is forced sex fantasies or the rape fantasy. It's really common for women to have these fantasies. About 61% of women have had these fantasies. And regardless of gender, men, you know, all genders have had this fantasy, it is more common among women. But you have to understand it's not that women are saying I want to be raped. It means that we want consensual sex from somebody who desires us so deeply that they can't help but force themselves on us. Now, there's a few reasons why we could have that. It could also be

because a lot of times women have been shamed for being sexual and told that if we desire sex, there's something wrong with us. So it also absolves us of having any sexual and told that if we desire sex there's something wrong with us. So it also absolves us of having any sexual desire. So if we're taken, we didn't have any say in the matter. And it could be that maybe you had a history of sexual victimization. I just wanted to cover that and say, thought of mine in this show is that it's okay. Sexual fantasies are healthy and I actually asked all of you on Instagram, I was like, what are the most common fantasies

that you have that you haven't quite acted on yet? There's some good ones in here. Double penetration from two guys, being tied up, a male, male, female, three-some M-M-F with my wife where she makes me play with the other guy, hot candle massage, role play with outfits, role play with the other guy. Hot candle massage. Roll play with outfits. Roll play with dominant submissive. Missionary with kissing a friend I've known for a very long time.

Sex in public. Cuckolding. Lesbian threesome. Even though I'm straight, is that okay? Yes, it's okay. Using toys on my wife. Making love in front of a window in Paris, airplane bathroom quickie, my partner having sex with another woman and then coming home and having sex with

me, giving oral to another man in front of my wife, making love in a canoe. I'd like to see my wife with another woman, pegging my husband, elevator, always wanted to be pushed against the elevator wall and go for it. Skirt, no panties in public, a women only sex club, sexy couples massage, teacher student dynamic in the classroom. I really want to be tied up and blindfolded, but I'm so nervous to tell my partner, we'll get into how to do that. Orgy, sex swing, sex on top of a mountain.

See you guys, the fantasies run the gamut here at Sex with Emily. So thank you everyone for sharing it. I think after listening to the episode, you can feel ready to make these fantasies a reality. So let's talk about this. How do you describe a fantasy to a partner? How do you have the conversation with your partner that you want to try a fantasy? Try this model. The who, what, where, when, why? So usually when we're communicating that we want to try a fantasy. Try this model. The who, what, where, when, why? So usually when we're communicating that we want to try something with a partner, it really helps to be specific. Think of like your elevator pitch. So think of the who. So let's say I have a fantasy for a three-some, I'm talking to my partner about it. Who would I want to be part of this

fantasy? So I could say, I really want you to be part of this fantasy that I have about having sex with you and another man. So what? What's the fantasy? I would say, and I picture a fantasy with you and another man and we're on vacation somewhere and I kind of give them the rundown of how I picture the fantasy going down. Then when? When is important?

When did I first have this fantasy? Think about our fantasies of origins from childhood. A lot of times there's fantasies that we had growing up. You know, we might have particular images about something that aroused us. We might not even remember, but a lot of times they are linked up to that. But I could say when.

So the when is when did I first have this fantasy? I could say I remember first having it when I was a kid. I remember the first time I masturbated, I was thinking about having a threesome. Where? Where did it develop? Well, I heard about a threesome once from my older brother. He was talking about it over her time and I've been fantasizing about it ever since.

And then the why. This is an important part about expressing your fantasies. The why is, it means a lot to me. I've integrated a lot of my arousal and sexual identity around this fantasy. And so, I would love if we could, you know, at some point share in this fantasy. And so I would love if we could, you know, at some point share in this fantasy. But I want you to know that once you express this fantasy to a partner, you can thank them for listening,

some gratitude and appreciation that they're so open to something that is so personal to you. And then ask them if they want to share feelings about what their fantasies are or how they feel about it. And remember, if your partner needs time to think about it or process, respect that. Just thank them for being open to the dialogue. And I think that's all we can do. And sometimes our partners don't really understand fantasies or maybe it's confusing to them or they feel like they are not desirable to you because you have a fantasy about someone

else or something else. But I'm here to tell you that all fantasies are normal and they're okay. And there are two kinds of fantasies. There's the ones that you actually want to happen in real life, and there's the ones that you want to keep to yourself. And I think we know what those are. It's all okay. One more thing I want to say is fantasy versus fetish. So a fantasy is something that you think about often, or maybe you've had this image in

your mind or a story in your mind about something that you want to happen. A fetish is different. A fetish is something that's actually required for a rousal. Maybe you have a foot fetish or a latex fetish or a hair fetish. That means that it's a requirement for you to get really aroused. You actually, unless you're thinking about latex or see someone in latex, it'll be hard for you to get aroused. That's the difference between a fantasy and a finish.

All right, you guys, let's get into the show. Thank you everyone for listening. Let me know if you have any more questions about fantasies. I got you. I'm gonna take a quick break, but when I come back, I'm talking to Tracy, who's been having feelings for her best friend. Tracey is calling back. I love when people call back and told you about my best friend.

Our lives are very in fall and it's my ex-husband, Mike. Oh, right. You have best friends. So your ex-husband is now married to your best friend, right? He married her. He married her. That's how we met. And then we became best friends.

Got it. And then who are you married to again? Got it. Okay. Great. And then you had a traction. You had a chemistry with your ex-husband's new wife. And you're very close.

And there were some kind of chemistry. Your best friends. But there was a little bit of social chemistry. He started, yeah. He does not treat her well. Right, just like you treated you. And it got really, really, really bad. After consoling her for so long, I did. I developed some feelings, and we had some crazy, crazy chemistry.

So while they were working things out, we just developed some boundaries. Like we didn't touch each other. We did stuff like that. Like we have, and that was pretty much as we didn't touch each other. We didn't stuff like that. Like we hoped that that was pretty much as far as our touches meant, just because of how much exceptional chemistry was there. And I did tell my husband, instead of my develop feelings, I went straight to him and I told him exactly what I felt going on and like, what do we do from here? And I talked to my therapist about it and he said, develop boundaries, you know, and I ended

up talking to her about it and she said, develop boundaries, you know, and I ended up talking to her about it and she communicated that she felt the same way. And so we lived like that for a while and it was fine. So she left him. Oh, she left. You're going to get it before she's moved in with me and my husband. And now we are a triple. Ta-da.

Wow. It's fucking amazing. It is fucking amazing. Wow. You're a thrupple and your husband's out cold. OK. What's, I want to hear about the arrangements and the boundaries.

Like, are you sharing a bedroom with your husband and the woman? All three of you? We do. We share a bed. We have a case I said. And my husband and I take turns with the middle. Because she gets really hot at night. She walks no hearts of the crew. What is your husband?

So your husband also then has an attraction to her? Yeah, she's beautiful. And she's amazing. So it's really hard to not have an attraction to her. So now clearly it's working. Tell me about the sexual experiences. Like, is it always a three of you together? Is it ever just you and the woman?

Is it ever you? You're in your husband? It doesn't even seem real. It's like magic. Wow. Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing. Walk me through it.

Maybe you heard me. I have amazing, beautiful effects that very, very. It's amazing. Walk me through it. Maybe you heard it. Amazing, beautiful effect. It's very, very feminine and touchy. She's like the softened thing I have never felt in my life. And I had never been with a woman before her. I mean, I'm sexually attracted to women, but I met my ex in high school. I got pregnant at 78. We got married and I took a horsey on him.

And then I met my, this, I've been at 22, we got married and I took 40 to young and I met my this husband at 22, so we sit together every day. Wow. So you, with your husband, your current husband for 20 plus years, and now you're able to alter the relationship, to have a woman enter the home that everyone's into and everyone's you're having great sex. Now do they have sex without you? They have, yes. So I was upstairs and we were watching a movie and I woke up and they were gone.

And I went downstairs and they were in our room and it just really, really turned me on. And so then I was the three of us. Conversion. Wow, there hasn't been... how long has it been going on? I'm so happy to hear this and there haven't been any boundaries crossed or jealousy issues. No jealousy issues and I don't even know if that's the feeling. Sometimes I get like a, whoa, this is really weird. And I have feelings in my gut and I don't like them and I don't want them to be there. And I don't know if that's necessarily jealousy because it needs to be sex and there's no jealousy.

And then these feelings come up. They're just weird, random times. And those are the feelings that I'm not sure how the name or the describe, but I'm working through them. Okay, and you're in therapy. I mean, this is an incredible story. I love that the sex is working out for you all. And I just want you to, you to, hopefully you have good communication. Maybe you have a time once a week

where the three of you get together and talk about it. I still feel I think that right now. Like, I don't know the things, but I don't like things that, you know, nothing that I don't like has happened yet. I'm not sure what those are. And I just, the three of us have talked both leads, like 90% about communication. Because that's where this all started.

I started listening to you on my way at Album Work, and then it's just communication, communication, communication. So I started feeling these feelings for my friend, and I immediately went to my house and it's really working out. Tracy, it sounds really healthy, and thank you for sharing all that with me because we're not asking for advice. But as a friend, I'm just going to share what I'm hearing is that it's been a month and which is the best time of a relationship.

The first month, it's the honeymoon phase. And you get to be in a honeymoon again with your husband and with a new woman and you're in a threpple. And it sounds like you guys have, you've navigated a lot. You've been into those lives for a long time. These are all good things rather than like, we better random person on the dating app and now they're on the throttle.

You're talking about things communicating, but like I said, I would recommend that you do talk once a week right now because you don't know, maybe there are things coming up for people like, you know, you said, I feel these things, but I don't know what they are. Those are the things, a check-in. Those are the kind of things you can be like,

let's all just, you know, have a drink and talk for an hour because then you can feel safe to be like, we don't know that maybe last week when she saw you and your husband doing something, maybe she did have a little feeling in the stomach as well, like, oh, little gut. And this is with the stuff to talk about because then you could start, I think eventually you're going to need some boundaries in place. You're going to need some more structure around it. But I love the phase that you're going to need some boundaries in place. You're going to need some more structure around it. But I love the phase that you're in and it sounds like it's great. So keep me posted Tracy, we're all following along with you.

And I think a thrupal could be a fascinating turn and an interesting way to be in a relationship. And people often think, oh, it never works and it's great. You know, I think that we get to decide what kind of relationship we want to be in. And that's how I feel, too. Okay. Well, Tracy, thank you for calling back in. I love hearing the update. What a year you've had.

Okay, this is from Monica 28. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm in a loving and healthy relationship. However, I'm attracted to a guy from the gym. And lately, when I masturbate, I fantasize about him. Is this wrong? All right, Monica, listen, it is completely normal and common for people to fantasize about other people when we're in a relationship. In fact, I would say the majority of people do. Do we always talk about it? Do we say, Hey, babe, last night, I had a really hot fantasy about the Burris though, made me a coffee. No, we don't. But I know being a sex educator that it is more common than

not. So the more kind you can be to yourself and accepting of your variant fantasies, you're going to feel more free to be able to explore and maybe your fantasies will start to grow and evolve and change. But I want to explain to you that when we are judging our fantasies or our thoughts, we're stuck. But when we don't attach any meaning to them, it's okay that I fantasize whatever comes up for me right now. I'm just gonna fantasize about it. I'm not gonna judge it.

Then you might find that there's even more fantasies coming into your head and you'll feel more free and more open, but the negativity and judgment on ourselves is what actually holds us back and makes us feel worse. So you have my permission. It's okay to fantasize. We can't really control our thoughts. And the more permission we give ourselves to explore fantasies, whatever they might look like, will just feel better in our relationships.

And I don't know what your relationship is like with your partner, but you could also have a talk with them and say, hey, what do you fantasize about? What turns you on? And then you could maybe start to create new fantasies together, do some role-playing, or maybe there's some scenarios that would be hot for both of you. But don't put yourself up. It is very common Monica and you're doing great. Alright, this email is from Sarah24 in Boston. Dear Dr. Emily, I've been fantasizing about being a third in bed to a married couple lately. I ended a long-term relationship in April and two other short-term relationships since then. I loved my sexual relationship

with my long-term partner and I've been missing having someone in my life who makes me feel sexy all the time and consistently gives me pleasure. I feel like meeting a couple who I can have great sex with would be so much fun, and the idea of two people fawning over me is very attractive. I was thinking a married couple would be best since there wouldn't be any commitment and the nature of the relationship would obviously be very clear. I want to explore myself sexually while dating, looking for my partner, but I miss good partnered sex that I'm not getting right now. My question is, how do I find a married couple to have sex with? I love your show so much. Thanks for educating me. Alright Sarah, you sound like you have thought this through.

And I think that to be a unicorn in a threesome is typically less complicated than being a couple when they're bringing in a third. What I mean is, you know, you get to go in and be the center of attention and you don't have the emotional attachment to the couple. And your intention is to just go and learn more about yourself and also get your needs met. That sounds like a good reason for me to try it out. You just want to make sure that you are safe. We are coming out of a pandemic. So having the conversations about protection, but also making sure that they're safe. They've been vaccinated, all those things.

So first, finding a third, there are a lot of great resources right now online, and I'll get to that in a minute. The other option is asking around locally if you know any friends who are into the lifestyle or parties. Maybe there's like a sex toy store nearby, sometimes they have classes. Usually if you find someone who's already been a third in a relationship or a couple who is into that, you might be referred But again with the pandemic people might not be playing as much. So I'm gonna send you online

Here's the places that people have found a third one of them is called field F-E-E-L-D Another one is okay cupid FET LIFE adult friend finder hashtag open you might also try Tinder and FET LIFE, Adelt Friend Finder, Hashtag Open. You might also try Tinder and Fantasy Match. I would just start to look at a few of those sites, how they work as you can put a profile up,

or maybe you'll see a couple who's actually looking. What I've heard from a lot of people dating online is that they come across a couple who's looking for a third. So I would just start to explore and don't jump right into the sex. they come across a couple who's looking for a third. So I would just start to explore and don't jump right into the sex. Maybe you could do a FaceTime date with them and figure out if there's a connection or meet them for lunch or coffee. You want to make sure that you've had them, that you're attracted to them, that you feel safe. So I wouldn't rush right into it, but I think that doing some exploring, checking out some of these apps, you'll be able to find a couple.

I want to hear how this goes for you, Sarah. I think it's really brave and I think you can have a lot of fun. Okay, this is from Luke 38 in Tennessee. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been with my wife for over 10 years and she's known. I have a pretty big latex fetish and I'm mildly into BDSM. Very light though. Definitely not a fetish of hers but I obviously would like her to dip into it now and then. I know she's a bit of a kinky side and it comes out after a few drinks but she's embarrassed and self-conscious about wearing late-text clothing. How do you suggest I approach this? Along the same lines I'd like to try for trepid me, she will occasionally finger me if I ask, but she definitely thinks it's weird. All right, I would recommend that you take my communication advice about timing, tone,

and turf. We have a guide in our site if you want to download it. But I talk about having the conversation outside the bedroom about your sex life. Now, it sounds like you're making some assumptions and you say she's self-conscious about wearing clothes, but she's into it at certain times. I would just talk to her and say, you know, you know I've had this latex fantasy for a while and I think it would be so hot to see when latex clothing. Why don't we go shopping together? I'd love to see you try it on. Let's have this be a shared experience.

If you go into a dressing room together and she sees your response to her and the clothing, then that might sort of feed her own arousal and it might be, you know, more than you even could have asked for. I've heard from a lot of people who have similar fantasies about wanting to do something and what might be her challenges that maybe she just doesn't know where to start or she's like, do you want me to go out and buy the latex outfit? How does the scenario play out? And so, typically this means that we need a little bit more conversation with our partner.

So, let's talk about pegging for a minute. So that means that you want to be penetrated annually with a dildo. That's what pegging is. And this goes back to more conversations. She thinks it's a little bit weird. She might also just not have experience. A lot of the stuff that we think is weird and that we judge is because we haven't had a lot of time

to explore and to play with it. So she might need some more information about it. She might need to maybe watch some porn with you where someone's being pegged so she knows what she's doing. Maybe you could tell her about why it turned you on and how it's a significant source of your arousal. So again, this is all about communication. I recommend downloading our Yes, No Maybe List, which is at sexwithemily.com.

It's a free guide. You can both go through and fill out lists of bunch of fantasies, bondage, cuddling, spanking, teasing. It has so many things on the list and you can both take it separately and see what's our yes, what's our nose, and what's our maybe's, and you might find that there's a whole new world of things that are your mutual yeses that you had no idea about.

And then if she's a maybe about something, it's a great jumping off point to say, so why is pegging a maybe? And then she could tell you, well, I'm not sure if I'm doing it right or I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you or it never seems like the right time. I mean, it could just be a few things about it that's making her uncomfortable, but you're not even sure what they are. So again, having a super healthy open conversation where you're saying we're not going to judge

each other, it's all okay. Let's just listen and reflect back what we heard. Could be some great next steps for you both to get your needs met. And hey, you might find out some things that really turned her on as well. Be right back with a call from Scott who's wondering how to make the first move. that first move. Let's talk to Scott 55 in Florida. Scott, thanks for holding and for calling. No problem. Yeah, it's been a while.

I find myself encountering somebody from 20 years ago and we hang out and it's clear that the signals are being given to me, but I don't want to not be Who I was 20 years ago, but I tell myself this person 20 years old or also and I'm just kind of wondering and I've never had this issue before Had a heck do I you know get things going? It's clearly there for me So what's happening? Have you hung out? Have you seen each other? Yeah, we hang out like once a part of the week. But it hasn't become sexual again, or has it been?

Apparently it's in my hands, it's a few inches away, and they're basically saying, you know, I'm in your hands. So I don't know for some reason, I'm having for the first time time I'm having problems overcoming that hump And you know I just don't want it to be disappointing and I don't want it to be my expectations. Oh wow Okay, well how did it end 20 years ago? I guess we both were going in in different directions I'm not gonna bore everybody with the specifics and we just got too far out in our own worlds and didn't even have time for each other.

And now you feel this attraction to her again, right? When you're sitting across from the table or to the extra? Yeah, there was an encounter and let into other encounters, friendly with the family dog, all the other stuff. Hang out there, have fun, asleep there, you know, sit and hang out in her bedroom and nothing's happened. All people, so we indulge in our way. So, what happens? Okay, the push, here's the push, right? It's got one, you just say to her, I want to kiss you, I can't stop thinking about kissing you. And then she, what if she says, well, then kiss me. How's that? I keep thinking about your lips.

Everything else should take care of itself based on past experiences. Right. There you go. You could explain to her that it's been a challenge, but I think if you'd let her know, then let her make the move. I think that's a great way to kind of practice consent as well as to let someone know what you're thinking. I keep thinking about your body or I keep thinking about, yeah, kissing you. Would you be okay with that? Yeah, I catch myself taking glasses. So, yeah, I like that because also I think as soon as you kiss somebody, you know,

if it's there and I say anyway, just say that. And then she'll probably be like, what took you so long, Scott? And then you just be the old Scott that you are. I think you just, it is a hump. You're really, it's very specific. And once that happens, you'll be like, oh, it's like riding a bike. I know what I'm doing on Scott,

but you've kind of created a scenario in your head that this is somehow like, has a lot of meaning to it. And maybe it will be, maybe it'll be like incredible again. And maybe it won't be, but we won't know if you don't try. And the longer you go, we might go into the friend zone, right? She's probably dying for you to kiss her. She's having you in her bedroom. It's amazing.

The baby was made, you know, do you know what you want? You just want to be friends. I'm up for whatever you're up for. So yeah, I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna. Okay, do it. Okay, Scott, calm me back and let me know. It goes. You know I need to know follow up, okay?

We'll talk next week. Okay, perfect. Bye Scott. So good to hear from you. I have a great night. All right, guys, sometimes you just have to get over our fears, right? But that is a sort of delicate area that, before the friend zone, when you are like,

er, like I, I think that we become, and the friend zone because we become a friend. But that's, the point is also is anxiety here. God, we have so much anxiety, right? We create so many stories, and if we just kind of can move through that, we'll see that it's never what we think. And anxiety is so the opposite of being in the present.

But in the present moment, you know, Scott could be like, okay, I'm sitting here, I'm gonna breathe, I should've told Scott to breathe. Before all these things, when you take a deep breath, and it helps for me to help my breasts, like if my inhale count of three and exhale count of three, then you know you're actually doing a deep breath.

It really helps you do three of those, and then you just, that you are immediately present when you do things like that, and then you could say, hey, I keep thinking about kissing you. That's great. See how it goes, Scott. This is from Anne, 50 in South Carolina.

I've been seeing a wonderful man for the last year. He's the best lover I've ever had. He told me early on he has a foot fetish. I had no experience with someone like that, but I feel I'm willing to try. He says just letting him play with my feet is more than he's gotten to do and I don't need to do more. But I want to do more. This man has given me orgasms nibbling on my feet. I want to blow his mind. I need ideas. All right, and I would ask him. I mean, listen, foot fetishes are really common. I love that he let you know that there should be no shame in your fetish game. Ask him what's his ultimate foot fetish fantasy. Because it's different for so many, like maybe he likes your feet and shoes

or he likes your feet running through the sand or he wants to massage them. If you had an orgasm with him nibbling your feet, I mean, imagine what could happen if you played with different sensations. I recommend getting a massage candle and then dripping the warm oil all over your feet and then massaging it, play with different sensations,

hot and cold. You could use a vibrator on your feet. Remember you guys, vibrators feel good everywhere. Some men really like pentos or stockings and he might want to like rip them off of you. You might want to see you in shoes. You might, you know, so I would just ask them and say, what's your ultimate foot fetish fantasies and go from there. But just remember, our feet have a lot of nerve endings on it.

There's so many parts of our body that feel good when stimulated with hot and cold sensations with vibrators. So this sounds like you guys are going to have a lot of fun together. And so just a healthy conversation and bring some fun play toys into the bedroom. All right. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend, I've been talking about adding another person into the bedroom. All right, hey Dr. Emily, my boyfriend, I've been talking about adding another person to the mix. I'm not really into adding another woman,

so I suggested a man. It turns me on to think about him with a man and it turns me on as well. One of my core fears is that my significant other will leave me for a man, so needless to say, my body loves this, my brain says no, what can I do? So John, my question for you is, do you think that your boyfriend is into men? Has he expressed interest about being with a man? Listen, I hear this all the time from all

genders. I hear it from women who are like, I'm interested in having a threesome with another woman with my male partner, but what if he finds the female more attractive than me? I would say this is one of the top concerns in three sums is that our partner could leave us and that is valid. And so what I want to do is make sure that you and your boyfriend are on the same page. I recommend role-playing the three sum. Maybe you could even go on to only fans and see what it's like to be interacting with somebody else virtually.

Dirty talk it when you're having sex with each other, you can start to figure out, you can say right now, I'm picturing a man right now and he's going down on you or you know, I think that the more that you really try to feel what it could be like in that scenario, the more you'll be able to make better decisions, also important to set boundaries. How you're going to find the third isn't someone you already know, do you want to make a commitment that if you do bring a third into the relationship, you can only see somebody once, because it gets complicated when it's open, and maybe this person, you start seeing once a week, the third guy, and then maybe on the side, your husband starts texting with him, and then that becomes

a thing. So I think the more that couple say there will be no communication with the third, unless we're both on the text or we're both on the call. And to say it's someone that we really don't know, or somebody that we don't have a relationship with previously, I don't think it's a great idea to bring in the neighbor. And I think it's important to just continue to discuss what's going to make us feel safe, what's going to make me feel worse. You know, how do you feel if they cuddled or they made out?

These are all the things that couples get to unpack together. Then after you do have a threesome, you have to do some aftercare. What worked? What didn't work? What were the hottest moments? What would you like to replicate next time and what are the things that you never want to do again? So, just because you decide to bring a third in, there's still a lot of processing, a lot of work, and a lot of healthy communication. So, if you're brave to say no on your body saying yes,

do your best to have healthy conversations so you can both enter a threesome, feeling safe, and turn down. Okay, this is from Andrew. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a question and I'm embarrassed about this. I really enjoy smelling my wife's panties and masturbating. She's completely weirded out by it, but it's so erotic to me.

Do I have an issue or am I good, LOL? You're totally good, Andrew. Listen, our partners often get weirded out by our fantasies, but it's typically because they don't understand them. So I would recommend just telling her, you know, you heard it here. It is normal. People have fantasies about a lot of different things, and if it's not impacting your relationship, there's not serious consequences.

I think you could let her know that this scent of her turns you on, no matter where it is in her body, and that's such an intimate place, and it's very sort of forbidden or taboo. So maybe that could be a part of it, but I feel like you're totally fine. And I'm glad you were able to tell her, and maybe you could put some more words around it and explain to her what about it specifically

is turning you on. All right, Andrew, thanks for your email. Okay, this is from Rosie, 28 in Chicago. Dear Dr. Emily, I have the hardest time expressing my desires. I can talk about anything conversationally, but my own desires and fantasies are a mystery even to me. I've got a partner who's turned on by hearing me say what I want. And in my almost 30 years of life, I was speechless.

Background, I grew up in a conservative religious household. Didn't have any sex education or a positive reinforcement about sexual health. It was a classic don't talk about it mentality. I was also kind of sexually abusive relationship when I was younger. I say kind of, because I don't really understand or acknowledge it until more recently, and I'm still coming in terms with it.

I want to be able to communicate with my partner, but I don't even know if I know how to tap into my sexual fantasies. I feel like I'm not a in terms of it. I want to be able to communicate with my partner, but I don't even know if I know how to tap into my sexual fantasies. I feel like I'm not a super creative thinker, and I really struggle with porn because of some of the things I've been through. It feels like more of a trigger than something I'll enjoy. I get so frustrated because I don't know what to do

to better understand myself and then communicate it. I don't want to just say something, say something. I want to mean it and make both of us feel more satisfied with our sex life together. All right, Rosie, I'm really glad that you wrote in because this is super common that if you've been through a trauma, a sexual assault, rape, when you were younger, it doesn't just disappear.

It is still going to be part of your psyche, of your arousal process, and until you go do some therapy around it, and you're able to release it and make sense of it and heal it, it might be really hard for you to figure out who you are as a sexual being. And that's because when we go through an assault or a trauma, what our body does, it can disassociate, which means that your body leaves your mind in the moment that the sexual assault is happening, but it doesn't always just connect,

it doesn't just snap back into place after we've had an experience like that. So whether it was an assault or an abusive relationship, these are all areas that you're gonna need to go into therapy. And I say you get to go into therapy, not you need to. I mean, I think the opportunity to get to go and work on this stuff, you're 28 years old, if you're whole life ahead of you, to understand all this stuff.

So I would take the pressure off yourself right now, but I would go see sex therapist or a EMDR therapist, which is a trauma therapist. It's eye movement desensitization reprocessing. I believe the website is mdria.org EMDRIA.org So that's a big part of its therapy and then it's also you know how I feel about masturbation and getting comfortable with your body How I learned most of what turns me on is doing my it's also you know how I feel about masturbation and getting comfortable with your body how I learned

Most of what turns me on is doing my own work, you know reading on rhodica watching porn Trying things out with a partner and reflecting on my past sex and what worked for me and what didn't you know a lot of us Have these core erotic fantasies is core erotic themes. It could just be one thing It could be when I think about sex, I think about my partner making out with me, or I think about being spanked, or I think about dressing up sexy, or there's a secret lover who surprises me with gifts and words of affirmation, and it could just be a kernel of that fantasy. And then once you start to sort of play with it and think about it, maybe you bring it into your master bedroom team and you start to work through different scenarios in your

head. I would like to say you feel through different scenarios in your head when you're being sexual and then just let it evolve. Think of your erotic life as a story that is still to be written and the truth is, a story that doesn't have to have an ending. So it's not such a finite answer. It can change over your lifetime. And you're not behind here. You're just starting. And there's so many people who never even think about their fantasies. They just decide that

they don't want to have them or sex is wrong. And you know, they stayed stuck in the past. So I just recommend doing some work on yourself, but also be honest with your partner. Listen, he doesn't know what you're going through. And if you are with a partner who respects you and who loves you and who's invested in the relationship, he's gonna understand that you need to take a beat to figure out what sex means to you. So this could mean that you guys get to explore

some other things together. And maybe he could be part of your process, part of your healing. You're right where you need to be. And I think that what you're also describing here is a lot of us feel so much pressure when our partner says, what do you want? What feels good to you?

I mean, this started my whole career. I never knew how to answer that either. And I thought something was wrong with me and that everybody else had really rich fantasy lives. And I just had to figure out how to build that on my own. And it helped to be with a partner that was also supportive of that. So that's what I recommend for you, Rosie, my friend,

and keep me posted. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts, and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode,

they will too. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com. Slash, ask, Emily. And check out my website.

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