Sex With Emily - Non-Penetrative Orgasms w/ Violet Benson

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Violet Benson started her now-famous Instagram account @DaddyIssues_ while working through issues of her own. On today’s podcast, she opens up about working through deep emotional struggles so she can create the sex life and relationships that truly work for her. No matter your background or life stage, I’m positive this conversation will liberate and inspire you to take the next step in your sex life. Violet, who hosts the popular podcast Almost Adulting, tells me about her decision to temporarily swear off penetrative sex, freezing her eggs, and how she quit playing games while dating. She also takes the Sex IQ quiz inspired by my upcoming book, Smart Sex! Listen to her results, then listen to both of us answer a listener question: when the sex is hot but they’ve got huge, emotional red flags, should you pursue them anyway?Show Notes:Sexy Summer Pack List: The Seven Essentials5 Reasons to Add Anal Play to Your Masturbation RoutineORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureMEET ME ON TOUR! Sex With Emily Book Tour: SMART SEX Event DatesTAKE THE FULL SEX IQ QUIZ! Email proof of pre-order purchase to [e-mail] and I’ll send you a link to take the quizSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)LELO LILY 3 (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off sitewide)More Violet Benson: @daddyissues_ | InstagramAlmost Adulting Podcast: Apple Podcasts | Spotify Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When I'm about to get naked, I get naked in front of the mirror. Well, the guy's watching me and I get turned on by myself and then the guy gets turned on by me. He doesn't give a shit about where you have a stretch mark or if your left labia is more out than your right labia, like he doesn't, he's so excited to be there. So, staying in your power, you're true, confident, you're the woman. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize

your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Violet Benson started her now-famous Instagram account, Daddy Issues, while working through issues of her own. On today's podcast, she opens up about working through deep emotional struggles, so she can create the sex life and Relationships that truly work for her no matter your background or life stage I'm positive this conversation will liberate and inspire you to take the next step in your sex life

Violet who hosts the popular podcast almost adulting tells me about her decision to temporarily Swear off pet and trade of sex Freezing her eggs and how she quit playing games while dating. She also takes the sex IQ quiz, inspired by my upcoming book Smart Sacks. Listen to her results, then listen to both of us answer or listen to her question. When the sex is hot, but they've got huge emotional red flags, should you pursue them anyway? Intention with Emily Freight episode I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same.

My intention is to model to you what it is to be vulnerable in ways that ultimately help your sex life and your relationships. Listing to Violet I think we can all learn how to more precisely identify our needs, our unhelpful patterns, and how to set ourselves up for success both in love and in bed. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new articles, sexy summer pack lists, and what happens when you add anal to your masturbation routine are up on sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash askemily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739.

Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Big announcements, I'm going on a book tour very soon. If you haven't gotten your tickets yet, do it. I'm doing live events in New York on June 13th, virtually on June 15th via crowdcast so I can talk to all of you. Please join us in San Francisco Bay Area on June 17th. I cannot wait to meet you all face to face. We'll be doing photo ops, a moderated discussion panel, and live Q&As to answer your sex questions.

And when you buy a ticket, you automatically get a copy of my new book, Smart Sex. We have an article live on our site with all this info, which you can also find in the show notes. I have Violet take our brand new SexIQ quiz in this episode, and you can take it too. I know that you want to. It's 15 questions and the results help you refine and improve your SexIQ. And right now, I'm offering the Sex sex IQ quiz exclusively to anyone who pre-orders my book, Smart Sex. Just email a screenshot of your proof of purchase to SmartSex at sexwithanley.com.

And I'll send you the online quiz that's SmartSex at sexwithanley.com. Be sure to order Smart Sex today, go to sexwithanley.com slash book for a full list of retailers. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by Laylo. You know by now, I love Laylo. They are the OG. They are word-winning, luxury, sex toy brand. They make amazing products, freeble of all genders, sexual orientations, ages. I love the Laylo Lily 3 because it's just an adorable little vibrator that you hold in your hand, but it's powerful. And you can use it in all different body parts too. You can use it on yourself,

you can do this on your partner, your nipples, you can use it on the shaft or the penis, externally, vulva, I just love how adorable, cute and powerful it is. And it's discrete, it's quiet. A lot of people worry about how loud vibrators are. Not this baby, and it is based on one of their best selling vibrators and they just innovated upon it. It came out with the Lily 3 and I love it. Like you can throw it in your purse, you can throw it in your pocket. It's one of those that you will

just always have with you when you need a little vibration and who doesn't need that. You can get 25% off all Laylo products when you use the code Sex with the Emiliate checkout. Just go to Laylo.com that's lelo.com. Use code Sex with the Emily at checkout. Just go to laylow.com. That's lelo.com. Use code sex with the Emily for 25% off or click the link in our show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Violet Benson is a blogger, comedian, television host and internet personality, most known for

her Instagram page, Daddy Issues, and her bi-weekly podcast, Almost Adulting. She's been featured by MTV, notably providing pre-show coverage for the video music awards and vanity fair. Name the Instagram meme queen, she rose to prominence curating original memes, earning a following of over 5 million Instagram followers on her daddy issues account and an additional million followers across her personal and podcast accounts. Alright, let's get into the conversation. Violet Benson. Hi beauty, so good to see you. So good to see you too, welcome to my home. It's really love being in your home, it's always evolving. I love it so colorful and bright right now. Yeah. And energetically, I feel like you're in a good place. Yes, I am.

I love that. Yes. Tell me everything. Because last time I saw you, you said that you weren't dating. Like a year ago, last time you were in the podcast, you said you would stop dating. I said that. Mm-hmm. I think it was a year ago. Wow. Okay. So catch us up, Violet, because you know, we on your podcast, you give a lot of advice. You're very immersed in dating and you help others. I feel like I'm actually always dating. Like, I think I'm not dating, but I'm actually never alone. I'm never single. And I think I'm just such a lover girl in a weird way where I just love, love. But one thing that I did do the past year

is where I decided to stop having sex for me, because I felt like I wanna work on myself, and I felt that I didn't know how to have intimacy with someone without just sleeping with them, and just assuming that's intimacy, because I struggle with intimacy in general, with daddy issues, and I think I was myself emotionally unavailable. And instead of getting to know someone, sometimes I would just be thinking about sex a lot. And by the way,

I can count on both hands, the amount of men that I've slept with. So it's not like I was just getting into bed with every person, but it was more that I choose someone. I don't know them at all. I have sex with them at all. I have sex with them. And I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna love them now for the next six months. And then it's not working out. It doesn't matter.

I'm not seeing the ref flags. Then I'm ignoring it. Because I'm like, well, it was already inside of me. So you should try to make it work. And it's like, if I didn't sleep with that person, it would have clouded my judgment. And I would have been like, hey, you know what? He hates the Jews.

Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't be having sex with a guy that wants my people killed. You know, I'm obviously I'm being sarcastic. You go what I'm saying. It's like, you kind of open your eyes versus, yeah, but that was him last week. Like he's changed.

He hasn't met me yet. You're saying you placed a lot of value on the penetrative sex and you thought that maybe if you didn't have penetration But you just sort of were with others like that's the culturally like we what keeper numbers down Like you just said to me. I can kind of one hand So much shame both hands so much like crazy both hands for you and for many women when we have sex with somebody penis goes into our vagina We are it's someone's entering us, as we become attached.

It's more about how it makes me feel and it's my boundaries with myself. A lot of times I think we have all these fears. And we don't realize that we can fix those fears if we create boundaries with them instead. So for example, if my fear is that if I sleep with someone, they're not going to treat me the way I want to be treated or I'm going to feel unloved or my fear is that it's going to really get to me and it's going to put me in some bad mental state. I'm not going to shame myself for going through those experiences.

I've decided to change my perspective regarding that. Instead of like, okay, you know what? That's just who I am. That's how I deal with things. It's gonna happen to me. And I'm not gonna suppress this. So instead, I turn my fear into a boundary. Meaning, my boundary now is to not just sleep

with someone too fast, because then if it doesn't work out or if they make me feel in love, I can walk away from it versus in the past. I would just continue chasing them. And now it's more like a, it becomes my unresolved childhood trauma that I'm just not trying to go towards. Okay, that sounds like a really healthy way to do it. And it's probably a little bit of both. Like, maybe you felt attached, but also it's like a logic who be getting to patterns

where you feel like I see for someone I'm attached. So sometimes I think we can work around that. You don't have to be attached because you, it's a pattern of being attached to somebody, but the point is what you're saying right now. If something doesn't make me feel good, I'm just not going to do it. That's just a great lesson. I feel like that's a lesson for so many people that we don't often pay attention to that. Yeah. So you're like, okay, I'm not going to do that.

And now I'm just going to date but have no sense. Yeah. So first it was and it will all happen because I think sometime the end of 2021 I was trying to have a like a one-night sandwich this guy and then and then we just end up dating and then I was doing my normal thing where I flip flop wanting a man to chase me and then when I flip flop they leave because they're like F this and then I suddenly just attached this fantasy to this guy and I was just be thinking about him a lot and I know it had to do with the fact that we're already slept together. So that's why I've to him.

I'd said, okay, I'm enough. It doesn't make me feel good. I created a whole fantasy of someone that I actually don't actually know. Yeah, it's always like lack of information. Aside from that, I'm not actually chasing that person because I do have a choice and I can stop at any time. I'm purposely chasing someone who's ignoring me because they make me feel exactly how deep down feel by myself, which is like I'm not enough.

Understanding myself so much better, because people think sex is just sex, it's not just sex. It's so much more and has a lot to do with you. So I decided, okay, I'm just not gonna sleep. With men, till I figure out and work myself where I feel like I am good enough. And I don't attach how someone treats me as my value. Then I start dating again, but I just kept my boundary, my fear turned into a boundary

where I just wasn't sleeping with guys, but of course, you know, I still have needs. So I still really, you know, enjoyed doing other things. So I was still one guy dated for a couple of months, like we still did oral sex on one another, but it made me feel for me personally, like I took my power back. Cause I felt that in some way, I put such an emphasis on sex that my power got taken away, I lost control when I would sleep with someone.

Cause a lot of times we think, if a woman sleeps with a man too fast, we think that, oh, now he's changed. He's different. But a lot of the time, he hasn't changed. He's the same person, but maybe we've changed because now we're paying more attention. Did he always not text me in the morning or is he not text me in the morning now because

we had sex together? And that's when you get in your head and that's when you start to act differently. So life times that happens, but if I'm not sleeping with someone, I'm acting the same and they're acting the same. Like I'm texting with a guy, I'm acting the same, and they're acting the same. Like, I'm texting with a guy, I responded to him last night, he hasn't responded yet. I'm not sitting here crying over it. Right. So, we're talking about penetration.

We're saying, you could do everything, but like, you're going down on him, he's going down on you, everything happens, maybe they meet your parents, I don't know. Everything happens, but the penetration. The penetration for you is a deciding factor where you're like, you don't get attached. That's what I put in my head. That makes sense and I think it's like psychological and biological and emotional. I'll convince myself that I like someone more than actually like them. So I always get attached, but it's minimal. It's not a way where my attachment happens to connect with my

childhood trauma that I thought are not enough. Okay, here's a thing a lot of times when it comes to dating and I've studied this a lot, is that healthy relationships can feel uncomfortable for people who didn't grow up with healthy love. So if I only know love where like for example with my father growing up where I had to chase to earn that love, then I finally felt like I earned it and deserved it. How is it going to look normal to me when it's me and another person where they're just really giving their love to me? Yeah, you're like, oh, this is too easy. But it's not very real love.

I need to struggle. Love is struggle. I start to notice I would break up with the guys and literally a full on pattern where I break up with guys and then I chased them for them to forgive me. I finally stopped and then I was freezing my eggs. I was in so many hormones and I did that again. And I felt very bad about myself for doing that, for repeating a pattern that I thought I healed from and maybe feel like shit.

I didn't realize that the hormones were in me. Well, the hormones are intense. I want to hear about your egg freezing too, but I just want to say something that you said about changing our patterns. Here's like a newsflash, everybody. I don't think that we ever completely change. You don't heal mental illness. You don't stop patterns.

I think that you learn to manage things and you get better. So the fact that you even... You get better bouncing back. You get better bouncing back. You're like, okay, that was bad. I fell down and I got back up a lot quicker. It's not about how many times you fall down.

It's how quickly you get back up. So maybe you didn't beat yourself about it for days. You're like, up, there I go. But it's really, really hard to change these patterns that are so deeply engraved, especially in how you grew up. Yeah, I mean, it took me forever to realize that I was repeating a pattern

where I'm always the one breaking up with them, only to then chase them to try to earn that love. And it's so silly. Do you ever tell them that like first date? Do you ever say to them, Hey, this is this thing? Because then I've done that to you. I said, Listen, this is the thing that I do. I'm trying to remember what that thing was or like, I'm going to, you're going to probably

think at some point that I don't really like you and then I'm pulling away, but I don't really mean to be doing that. So this ever comes up. Let me know. Or if you ever feel like I have a thing where I'm not created a wee, I'm always like, well, I'm doing this and I'm doing that if you want to come. And I make people feel that they hate that. So I was like, if you ever feel that way, let me know because I know it's a pattern. So I'm wondering if you could ever warn guys that you do this thing and just say, be on a lookout for that because then it takes

the power away from it. And if you do can you guys can kind of laugh about it. Every time I see you like tombs of research, you're reading, you're writing, you're talking, you're helping your listeners, you're working on yourself, I feel like you're making so much progress. I don't have it seen the guys you would never heard about but hopefully they're men that are following on the track. You saw pictures today. I saw the pictures but I didn't talk to them.

They looked cute. They were different. I loved it. I know they seemed very different but hopefully you're you know I didn't talk to them. They looked cute. They were different. I loved it. I know, they seemed very different, but hopefully you're, you know, get your needs met from them. And how is the sex when you are having the oral variety? It's exciting.

I haven't had oral this year. This year, I haven't, I've only kissed three guys this year and it hasn't gone anywhere where I touched their privacy, they're touched fine. I would say it's been a dry year, even for me. I'm not sure what happened this year. We were freezing eggs. Oh, yeah.

Should we get to that? Tell me about that experience to freeze your eggs. And how old are you? 34. 34. Yes. You're 34 years old. And how did this come to be?

What was the decision like? I think it was good that I was freezing my eggs, and I, for whatever reason, just posted about it once once and I didn't realize how many other women Want to know more about it So then I start to document it because I was planning on doing it before and I think it's good for women To freeze their eggs at a younger age to preserve their eggs and that's what I was doing it for I wasn't doing it because I was in fertile or anything like that or because I want a baby tomorrow because The women of IVF are whole other

World and they're also very sensitive and they take everything very personally because they're going through the struggle of not being able to have babies and to go through All of that so you can kind of save yourself some of the headache if you start thinking You're getting ahead of it because you're like I don't want the pressure that every guy with or whatever that I have to, you know now you can wait. Well, one thing that a lot of men don't know or women don't know is that men in their late 30s, early 40s, around 40% of men are infertile around that age. Because I think there's always this whole thing

about the women. Yeah, so as women's fault, our responsibility, but a lot of the time now, it's a guy's fault. Yeah, their sperm isn't viable. But we always women's fault. Our responsibility, but a lot of the time now, it's a guy's fault. Yeah, their sperm is in viable. But we always blame the women. Women got so much of the brunt of it. Like, I can't get pregnant.

There's something wrong with me, but they get turns out your sperm gets kind of funky too after a while. We all have to as you get older. No, it's just this horror. Shame around us. Everything is exhausting. Shame is exhausting.

People shame you for everything. And it's the most random people on the internet who will just shame you and bring you down because they don't feel good about themselves. And it's not easy. Sometimes you can just pass through it, who cares, whatever. But sometimes you're also having a shit day. And that one comment really does get to you. How do you handle it?

How do you handle it? I can tell the difference with how I respond or not respond or how I react the rest of my day, whether or not I'm having a good day or not. You're like today, yeah, yeah, yesterday this comment would have been fine, but today I'm gonna take it down. Look at the end of the day, things don't affect you unless deep down,

a part you believe some part of it to be true. That's why a lifetime people talk shit about me, quonco, I usually don't take offense. And I've always said, people always like, well, you're so good at not caring. And I said, if someone talks badly about you, when you actually care, you get really offended, the truth is, and you don't want to hear this,

but it is the truth, deep down, a part of you believes that to be true. And that's what you're taking so personally. So if someone tells me, you're going to be single forever, and I'm having a bad day because I feel like that. Yeah, of course I was going to hurt my feelings or who's going to take advice from an old hag. You're going to be single forever.

Like, fuck, that person could be right because that's why I felt today. And you know, that's why you have to just stay away from things that are not good for mental health. I'm not saying then don't grow at all as a person. But is that feedback? That I need or is that just playing someone who's mean because they want to see my tits and I won't push them. So they want to put me down till actually then finally like, oh, you're right, hear my tits. What are you doing those moments? Do you have any like mental health tools for when you start going down a trap when it doesn't feel good? What I do is what I've learned and I would

say I've learned this more towards the end of last year and this year, is to give myself grace. And it seems such a simple thing, but it's not. Sometimes when people say mean things to me and it doesn't offend me, it's because I've literally said worse things to myself. That's why you can't hurt me. So no one talks to ourselves worse than we do. We would never speak the way we talked to ourselves who are best friends.

So that is why I started to give myself grace. And I've learned now that when I'm repeating patterns, like especially when I was going through the mood swings of when I was visiting my aunt. What that was, did you mean a whole thing? I mean, that's one thing that's upsetting. That's a thing that's a period times 20. The doctor's everyone's so focused on your physical health.

No one tells you the emotional toll that's gonna take and then the gaslight you, the other people are overe over exaggerating. So then you think you're, I thought I was going mental towards the end of my stuff. I literally thought I was going mad in my brain. And there was something wrong with me. I was feeling suicidal. I was feeling so emotional. I would just cry for no reason. I broke up with a guy who was dating because I was like, you don't care about me. No one cares about me. No one gives a shit about what I'm going through. And I literally had a friend staying with me. And she would be like, hey, do you need anything?

No, I'm fine. And then I go in my room and I'd be like, no one even gives a fuck about me. Like, I don't so sorry for swearing. Like, no one cares, I don't get it. And it's like, she just asked me. And I said, I was fine, because I don't know how to ask for help. And then I'm sitting there, no one's checking in.

Well, guess what? If you keep acting like you're okay, no one's gonna ask you if you're okay. You can't always just expect people to ask for help. And then I'm sitting there, no one's checking in. Well, guess what? If you keep acting like you're okay, no one's gonna ask you if you're okay. You can't always just expect people to read your mind. So have you learned to like reach out then to people and let them know what you need? I mean, the egg freezing just recently happened. So I would say the thing is, like you said,

we never fully grow out of certain patterns that we have. But the reason you're able to give yourself grace is because you know, I used to feel guilty when I would repeat it on old pattern because I thought I've grown it. But then I learned, no, it's not about never repeating something. It's how you handle it afterwards, which is just what we talked about. So that means I repeat a pattern. And now I know, oh shit, it's happening.

Okay, I can get out of it or I can make myself feel better. I can stop myself before it gets worse before I spiral. So that's how I'm able to really understand that I'm growing. That's how you grow. That's exactly it. You notice it right before you go down the path. Exactly. And I think you have to do a workstree. Like for some people talking to other people, for other people, it's just sleeping the whole day, but just don't make yourself feel bad about what you need to do for a process. For me, I'm a very logical person. So when I have too many emotions, I don't know how to handle them because I need to attach them to things. And I've learned I can't always attach

my emotions to what it is. But what's helped me when I was feeling suicidal, all those emotions, I went on Reddit because I kept googling what happens after you freeze your eggs. And then we're like, we won we be fine? They go back to the work the next day. But I was in, in, extruding physical, not just my health pain. I was fine leading up to it. So everyone else that I talked to, they were suffering needles that embolden me. I was em bloating nothing.

I even lost a pound or two. But then after retrieving my eggs, two, three days, I couldn't sit or walk. I was now getting angry because I can't sit or walk because I'm in pain, physical pain. The doctor, they didn't give me any painkillers and then I finally was like, I told something's wrong, something's wrong, they're not listening to me,

you're gonna be fine. I wasn't fine, thankfully I had painkillers on me that then they told me to take. But then my mental state wasn't like at this point, I'm just all out. That's when I Google, when I read a chat, read a chat, all these women talking about the hormones and their emotions.

And I was like, okay, okay, so it's in my head. Yes. Everyone doesn't hate me. Everyone, people do care about me. Because that's the thing about your brain is so powerful. It's the most powerful muscle we have. Your brain will try to prove your thoughts to be true. So if I sit here and I say

everyone hates me, my brain will try to make that into a fact subconsciously. And you can find facts in the environment, just support it. This person didn't text you back. That person text you got. Yeah. So I was like operating systems go on the fritz. Exactly. So I will either then start to go back in my memories and recreate false memories of when people didn't love me or care about me or I could sit right here and you and I can have a completely different reality where you think we're having a very good conversation. We're going to need to know each other.

I'm thinking the way she's nodding her head at me, she's being so condescending, she's being, and that can become my reality. And then if you tell me that's not the case, I'll say, well, you're gaslighting me. Of course you would gaslight me because you think I'm stupid, because no, I'm projecting, because I deep down think

Something one time my dad called me stupid now. I'm projecting on you and I'm saying you think I'm stupid You don't think anything. I think that and that's where always goes back. So You give yourself grace Once you realize what the logical stay okay, this is just in my head. It's not real the next morning I woke up and you just started talking nice to yourself. You say, I said, you know, it didn't work out with me and me and that guy, I explained to him what happened. He didn't wanna try again, literally his loss.

And I was like, I'm lovable, everyone loves me. And then I walk around and I feel loved. It's like a positive affirmation and checking your stories. Yeah, that's it. But people don't realize they think it has to do with manifesting. Oh yeah, positive affirmation manifest. No, it's science. It's your brain. Your brain, it's scientific, especially hormones. Hormones can get you think about PMS when I first

started doing a period, but it was like I would automatically like three days before it takes and it takes years and years because you actually think that thoughts you're having before your period are real that I'm a terrible person. Everything I believe to be true about me is wrong. Everyone, whatever your thing is your hate me, I'm not enough. I'm stupid. And then all of a sudden you get your period. You're like, oh, it's my period. But that happens for so many years. Every year. Oh, shit. Every month, everything's fine. Every month. You think that we would learn. But I do that. I've convinced myself like everything. Shit. I'm like, oh, God, thank God. I wish there was some kind of PSA. We could tell like young women like you're going to feel this way on the 25th day right before your period. It's going to happen.

Well, when you're freezing your eggs, there was even more hormones in your body. So you're mimicking PMS times like 100. So my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry. That sounds really freaking painful. But now you've got some eggs, right? Uh, yes. I froze 20 eggs. Okay, good. One less thing to worry about. Yeah. You did it, girl. Stay tuned because after the break,

Violet takes the sex IQ quiz and helps me answer a listener question. So I just wrote this book, Smart Sex. Had a booster sex IQ and on your pleasure I said to you copy last night. I'm very, very, very excited about this book because it's basically, as you know, all the years that I've been doing this work for, you know, working millions of people over the years, I realized that without a strong foundation of understanding these pillars of sexual health, we're not gonna have the sex life and pleasure we deserve.

Because I started writing the book and you know I have a million tips we've been talking for years. But I was like, what's the organizing principle about? Like what do we actually need to know? So I organized into these five principles that are gonna help people feel smarter sexually or just feel like they can be on top of it. So I created this quiz and no one's taken the quiz yet. Oh my gosh. So you're going to be the first person to take the quiz.

And everyone can take the quiz. There's just like 15 questions. For each question, I want you to answer strongly disagree, disagree, neither agree nor disagree or agree or strongly agree. I can even show it to you as we're going. These are your options, right? You're gonna say either I strongly disagree. Disagree neither agree. Okay, right? I just don't even know what to think it like to see what comes to you. Okay, right? During sex I'm able to be present and focus on enjoying my body sensations and notice what does or doesn't feel good. Strongly agree. Nice. I masturbate regularly and have a good understanding of how to give myself an orgasm.

Strongly agree. Winning. I enjoy me. We talk. I enjoy and feel comfortable both giving and receiving oral sex. Disagree. I've experimented with incorporating sex toys into my sexual repertoire. Strongly agree.

I have a watching more today. I know it turns beyond and how I want to feel during sex, whether it's being worshipped or in charge or even something like being disrespected or degraded. Strongly agree. Great. Okay. Wow, okay.

I wasn't expecting, I'm actually surprised with myself. I wasn't expecting to be so on top of it. Yeah, I feel like you are really, really aware your score is a 69, believe it or not. Oh yeah. I have a 75. I love that. Now, why do you explain to somebody

what these new lip colors, you're never like, it's not like you're dumb sexually or you have a lot of work, not you, but anyone taking the quiz. We all have these pillars that we need to work on in our lifetime. Like sometimes we'll feel stronger and others and sometimes we'll feel like one area,

I feel really great my body, but maybe I'm not communicating as well with a partner right now. So I just want to point out that this, it's important to take this quiz throughout your lifetime because it's going to have to be right now. I agree. And I think the big, the big, most, the best thing about you and why I think everyone should buy this book. And we're going to talk about also my podcast for the Sucks IQ is the fact that for play, you are so adamant about the fact that for play starts outside the bedroom and a lot of people don't realize that.

And that's why you help to teach me. So if I would have taken this quiz, let's say when we met three years ago, a lot of those would have been disagreeing, including loving my body and all of that, or it'd be comfortable about what turns me on and those things that would have been so focused on the male gaze because that's what we talked about. That's who our first conversation with my ex-boyfriend. So now I came here with all saying strongly agreed to all these questions because I have people like you in my life because I got to work on myself because I masturbated and learn

more about myself because now I know what I like, what I don't like and I don't feel shame around it. But even now, after working so much of myself, one of those questions I still said, disagree. Yeah, that was the oral sex one, which we could go back to. But I want to tell you that I'm get a little bit emotional because I know that.

Well, no, we're gonna go here because we first met it for a four years ago. We were sitting there to your podcast and it started out and you were like, you really hadn't done a lot of this work yet because most people don't buy your body and I think you started out asking about how much more is the man? You watch, yes.

She came on my podcast when it used to be called Too Tart to be Crazy. And all my questions were about how to give the best head to a man. How to do this to make the man happy. Have a line, she goes, wait, what about our pleasure? And I'm like, oh, well, yeah. Yeah.

And you know, because you see, you're wearing a culture when we focus so much on porn and the male pleasure, we don't even think of ourselves. You know, if I mean, if I come, then yeah, I come, whatever, it's a lot, you know, best day ever. But it's not, it's not necessary. And that's on the screen. We were happy, but we didn't know about it. So I loved your journey here, by life. Yeah. Like the first time I had an oil, I wasn't ready for it, but my boyfriend wanted to do it. Right. You know, now I would never do that.

Now I'm into anal because I want to do it. Exactly. We don't just roll over and do the anal. We don't go from zero to anal if it's not our jam. Well, I can read you what these meant, what your score meant real quickly. You're in control of your sexuality and are deeply into your body.

This helps you be more present in the moment during sex. You likely prioritize your own pleasure as well as your sexuality and are deeply in tune with your body. This helps you to be more present in the moment during sex. You likely prioritize your own pleasure as well as your mental and physical health and feel comfortable expressing your needs in out of the bedroom. You're also a tune to your partner's wants and needs to evolve your sex IQ even more perhaps, consider trying a new kink, position, or role play fantasy. There's always more ways to explore. And forever listen if you want to take the sex IQ quiz, go to sexwithelene.com slash book. The full quiz is 15 questions.

If you want to learn how to boost your sex IQ, be sure to preorder copy of Smart Sex comes out June 13th. But if you preorder now, you get the quiz right away. You did awesome. Yay. Yeah, violet. If you want to get into oral sex, we can talk about that. But we also have a question I want you to help me answer

from a listener. Let's do the listener question first, and we'll get into the oral sex. Okay, cool. This is from Mia. She's 45 in Tokyo. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been in long-term relationship with women and have always been identified as lesbian or pansexual. After a breakup with a long-term relationship with a woman during the pandemic, I took a break

from relationships until I felt I was ready to date again this year. I started dating apps for lesbians or women only and inclusive to all genders. The most surprising thing was that I got attracted to a cis gender man who knew about my past relationships with women. It was a summer fling because I thought our values do not match, but what I really missed about him is the physical intimacy. We have been in contact for two months and I'm not sure if I should just make the first move.

He just moved to Tokyo and I think he wants to explore more. How can I detach emotional attachment from physical intimacy? So far since I started the dating app, he's the only one I've been interested in, even though I've seen a lot of red flags and do not see him as a partner, should I make the first move just for physical intimacy thanks for reading this and your podcasts? I feel like she's not hearing herself. Right. She's answering her own question.

She keeps saying, I've seen all the ref flags. He doesn't like me. It's focusing on other people. Should I reach out? I mean, I'm not into him. Should I reach out? I don't love him. Should I reach out?

Are you sure? I think she's not being honest with herself. I think that's usually where it starts. We forget. Sometimes we're not honest with ourselves. I mean, I've seen the ref, just say it to yourself. I got attached. I liked how this person made me feel.

I miss the feeling of how this person made me feel. Because then you'll understand, oh, wait. I don't miss the actual person, because there's all these ref flags and all you think of that I like about him. So what do I miss? Oh, I miss maybe having a penis inside of me, or I miss a male body on top of me, or I miss the way he held me, because it reminded me of being held by my father or whatever, things like that, you know what

I mean? So I think, then you say, okay, so now I can take those little things and I can find that in a new partner. But why would you go back? I think this is where we forget when it comes to dating. In order to make it work with someone, the other person needs someone to make it work with you as well. We always sit down and we're like, she'll go back right now. They don't even want you. So really, what are you asking this question for? Work on yourself to figure out why you felt this attachment to this person, because obviously there's certain things that he gave you that you really enjoyed.

Which is nothing wrong with us. Yeah, exactly. I think that's our all really, really good points. And it seems sort of fraught, and she's not even sure about it. So I think you made a great point, too, that sometimes, you know, she says, she makes the first move just for physical intimacy, find other people. You can see a lot of people to be physically intimate with. We're not being honest with ourselves.

Instead of just admitting that you still have feelings for this person, we feel shame around it. So we say, well, I mean, the person sucks. And also, this and this and this. And it's in a weird way, minimizes our feelings for that person. The fact that you already obviously probably asked your friends, well, I told you no. And now you went to extra step and you reached out to Emily with this question, the opening you'll get a different answer. That already tells me. Exactly. Sometimes your friends don't know that is true. And we're glad that reach out.

But what I totally agree with you, we've been in contact for two months. I make the first move. She says, how can I detach emotional attachment from physical intimacy? And I think that's challenging. It's not so binary. You can't be like, I'm just going to be physical

with this person and cut off, lobotomize my emotional. I think we as women are doing ourselves a disservice and we just need to be more honest with ourselves. And that doesn't mean that you still can go around having casual sex, it does. It just means when you're honest with yourself, that you know what you're getting into. And then you can set your boundaries,

whether or not you're comfortable with it. So true. It's not for everybody. Some people have shame over us every time they have casual sex. And they like to lie to themselves. Oh, why can't be like a man? You can fuck whatever you want or you shame your friends because they won't fuck anyone else. Well, sorry, because for me, I will cry about it for a week. I don't want to do that.

Yeah, I'm very pedantic. Right. Take self-awareness. I think we're talking a lot about self-awareness out, which is great. And also with yourself. Exactly. Now, you've recently shared an Instagram post about clinginess. I wanted to ask you about this. How do we embrace clinginess more in dating and relationships? Like, how do you define clinginess? I think I share that because my friend Todd Barrett came on my podcast and he's amazing and I love him. I love Todd. He's a friend of mine too. And he's a one. Yes, he loves you. And he's a one who said, be more clingy. And I actually really like that. Because I think when we get older and we're still dating, we get so set in our ways that it's hard for us to open up. And it's hard for us to add someone into our schedule. And

it's hard for us to not bring all of our jadiness into it. So I think we start to think because we all have different definitions of what being clingy is or what being needy is and all that. And I think sometimes people want to know that you care about them. And I think sometimes we don't realize that we're not the only ones in our head in this relationship. The other person is as well. So if I'm avoiding doing my best to not be clingy, which means I'm not being myself, because maybe I am a clingy person. And then, and I'm not being true to myself, but be maybe the other person actually like that. And then that for other person things, I don't like them. So then they take a step back. Like I actually listen

to Todd's advice. And now I usually say nothing. I don't like to, I don't really use to not tell a partner. If I like them or not, or I't really use to not tell a partner if I like them or not or I wouldn't reach out at all. And now I'm like, you know why? Why not? V more flirting. Make them feel want to, big them feel like. Exactly.

It's a whole cool girl thing. I'm going to be cool. I'm not going to be vulnerable. I can show them, but why not let someone know right away that you're into them. As long as you just don't attach needing something in return, because people could only hurt you if you need something from them. And that means in any type of way in life. So for example, if I'm dating someone and I need validation back, then don't do it. But if you're doing it for them to feel good and now you feel good, that's all you need it, then do it. Like the yesterday texts of one of the guys I'm

talking to and I'm like, hey, cutie, hope you have a beautiful day. Like I wasn't thinking, well, he should text me first. I texted him because I knew that's part of Kwon Kwon, oh, looking me being clean. No, and he's tried texting with me the whole day after that. The zombie, now I'm like, well, it's his turn to text me today. And things like, no, I felt good about myself that I sent that in my brain.

I thought, wow, it's just gonna make more obsessed with me. Yeah. And you just honored where you were at and you went with it, you didn't overthink it. Yes. You let someone know how you feel. This other guy attacked me with a picture of us and I was like, look at us, how good do we look?

I know. I just kept it. Super chill. It's only when you need something from people and when you start to get your feelings for whether you need love from someone, you need them to help you with your job promotion, you need them validation, you need them to pick you up.

That's when you're anger. Because anger and rage, it comes from what you think someone owed you that they didn't give you. And also, you've shared with someone what you want. You gave them an opportunity to respond to or not. But rather than like withholding, they don't respond in the way you want it. They don't return the thing, return it. Then you know, then you've won information.

Like then you're like, I like this person. I'm letting them know that. They didn't respond in a way that made me feel good. They don't know what to me, but now I've won information. Maybe they don't feel the same way, but that's okay too. What I'm saying is being clingy, I think also shows that you are testing this relationship.

Think of how many months you could go in a relationship thing. I'm not gonna say anything. I'm gonna wait to know if they like me or not, but right away you can find out. Yeah. Are we aligned? Because you waste a lot of freaking time playing games. You get to find out the opposite of not being clinging is just playing games and playing. Exactly. And look, you will always be clinging or needy or too much for the wrong person, but with the right person, your energy. I

remember one time like Todd's always like, be that person. I remember one time my friend was dating this guy and he was trying to make her feel better and it still kills me to this day, his advice. And he goes, I mean, look, I mean, you are too clingy. Wait, wait, let me finish. You are too clingy, but you're too clingy for me. But I'm sure you're not actually a clingy person. And I was like, holy fuck, that's worse.

Because you just said you're too clingy for me. But that doesn't mean that you're a clingy person. So I don't understand these shameful words. We're like, oh, I must be too clingy. I're too clingy for me. But that doesn't mean that you're cleaning a person. So I don't understand these shameful words. We're like, oh, I must be too clingy. I'm too needy. That person just not into you. You're always going to be, why don't you be just clingy enough for?

You're going to be too clingy for some of the actually doesn't want to date you. Exactly. I just think that all these signs, like how great to know that you're not aligned with somebody. How wonderful to know that sooner than later. I think this deep

fear that we are not leveled, you said that's your big fear of not being levelable. I think that was ever was. Well, no, I think it's always I think I have that. I have a fear of not being levelable, not being enough being. Yeah. I think it's a common human condition that we a deep, deep down were afraid that we are not going to be levelable. I think that is human suffering. I do. And I think that the reason why we bought these games of dating and we wanted, we don't know what it was because ultimately the we are so afraid of rejected and that go back to the womb like, you know, my mother didn't care for me or it's going to leave me or abandon me. It's like abandonment. I believe we all variations of that fear. Or you want the old way. Or the promise you're like, well, it's a playing games now

with this weird dating culture where people are lonely or now more than ever. So that also, A, tells you how much the dating culture is not working out if people are, the research shows that people are having less sex than they ever have. Yes, ever before. What do you think about that? Not just you. It's not just you. Yeah, it's not just you. And you guys, you violence, the stats, that's just based on you having less sex. Everyone's having less sex.

What do you think that is? What's your notion on that having less sex everyone's having less sex. Well, I think that is what you're not. People are not connecting. It's because like you're in person. We could do the same zoom, but we didn't. It's not just that. It's like you said people for play stars outside of the bedroom. This is like such an emphasis and I think a lot of people don't realize it. They think it's just sex.

No, it's communication. It's communication. It's loving yourself and you know, your sex IQ, all of that and your's communication. It's loving yourself. And you know, your sex IQ, all of that. And your smart sex. That's right, baby. It starts outside the bedroom. The conversations, what you're comfortable with, all of that. Yeah, I don't know.

Dating culture, it's not working out. I think people need to start learning how to connect again. And all these games of like, well, I'm winning, because I'm playing, are you really winning? Because in the end, you're losing because you lost the other person or you made the other person feel like shit.

When you keep playing games, you actually never end up then opening yourself up to love and to intimacy and to learning more about yourself and the other person. And you know, you're really, you're losing. You're not winning anything when you're the one that end up being, you know,

the person likes you more cool. At least they still can love. At least they're still working on themselves enough. And at least they know, like, I'm so proud of myself when it doesn't work out with someone. I'm like, you know what? At least I tried. Like I'm proud of myself.

No matter how much everything I've gone through, I can still give love to people because, you know, sometimes people need love more than they show it and that's why I never regret Giving anyone love because maybe they needed it more than I did Exactly and love is not a finite resource. We have enough love Yeah, it's both scarcity mentality that you can't just love like let people know how you feel They can't handle your too much your feelings are too much of them like not your person can't emphasize that enough I think I want to encourage people right out to take that risk, because that person knows that text right now, if there's someone you would like thinking about, but you're holding

back like, what why? I think we're going to, right now. Yeah. And I've done that, even with one of the last guys that I didn't work out with, I tried. And I know, like, they always come back. I always see this. And I know he's going to come back and he's going to regret it, but I won't regret anything, because I tried and I put myself out there

thinking about you, blah, blah. And you know, he didn't take the bait that that makes me feel bad about myself. Literally, no, it didn't. Because I was proud of myself for putting myself out there and trying versus in the past I would just do nothing. And look, I already found someone else, other, else's.

Else's, you've got else's. So what would be your top tips right now for people who are starting to go on this journey? Like right now dating, we're going people having less sex. What are your three tips for more connection right now, more authentic dating? Three tips. Well, A, I think it's, I would say it's very important to be comfortable with your body and that's something that you taught me.

And before you, you want anyone else to help you come, maybe figure out how to make yourself come. Like I even try different positions with myself when I'm masturbating. Let's see what helps me orgasm more. And I have, I imagine things in my brain, I fantasize, and it's, that's also, I know if I like someone, if I masturbate thinking about them. Right. Great tip.

So I think get comfortable with your body because when I'm in the bedroom, regardless of what weight I'm on, because I have PCOS, I'm always gaining or losing weight, even if I'm in my heaviest, when I'm about to get, regardless, well, wait, I'm on because I have PCOS, I'm always gaining or losing weight. Even if I'm in my heaviest, when I'm about to get naked, I get naked in front of the mirror. Well, the guy's watching me and I get turned on by myself and then the guy gets turned on by me. He doesn't give a shit about where you have a stretch mark or if your left labia is more out than your right labia, like he doesn't, he's so excited to be there. So, sitting in your power, you're true, confident power as a woman, I love him.

So I think A, really get to know yourself before you start dating. Because if something knocks you down super easily, it's because it was already deep down in there. They need it to get healed. And then number two, when it comes to dating, give people a chance. I think we write people off too fast now because of it seems like there's so much more options, even though they're not, you know, whether

you're swiping right or left or you're DMing someone Instagram someone like your picture, give people a chance. They'll write them off quickly because you may be writing them off because you're just scared being vulnerable. And number three, be vulnerable. Pull yourself out there. You are meant to get rejected until you find your person. That's part of life. Like, I don't understand the whole fear. Well, what if I get rejected? Okay, what if? So what? Then it is you tried. Right. And you get stronger at it's a muscle. And after a while, you're like, finally, that's how you pick yourself a backup. Keep going down. Keep going down. Keep getting back up. I don't care. I rather look back and know that I've tried with certain people then look back and be like, Oh, what if because it's usually the what if the gets us and hold us back because we create this whole fantasy about a person of what if could have happened if it was supposed to happen. love it. Those are great tips. Very inspiring. I love watching your journey via Benson. This is amazing. Well, thank you so much for being here. I want to ask you the five questions. I know I asked you to everyone of our guests. Okay. You

probably answered these in the past, but it changed all the time. So ready? Okay. Quickie questions. What's your biggest turn on? Big hands. Biggest turn off. When they're not obsessed with me. What makes good sex? Good sex makes when the two partners are really open and you're not in your head. You're just like fucking then having oral then fucking again, oral taking breaks, fucking like a whole day marathon. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. That sex is an equal love. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That four-place starts outside of the bedroom.

I love it! Violent and things for being here, where can people find you? What are all the things? People can find my meme account at daddy issues underscore if you're into memes, dating relationships, or you can find my podcast almost adulting on every Tuesday and Thursday from solo episodes to fun guests. It's the best and it's available on all platforms, Spotify, Apple and YouTube. And you can find me by LeBenson on Instagram. Thanks for being here.

Thank you, bye. Bye. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode, See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739.

Go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemle.com