Sex With Emily - OHMazing Sex with Tal Rabinowitz

Episode Date: May 1, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by her friend and creator of DEN Meditation Tal Rabinowitz to talk about how meditation can benefit your life – in and out of the bedroom. The two discuss why meditating with a partner can be beneficial to your relationship, ways meditation can improve your sex life – including performance anxiety, and how to keep the intimacy alive with your partner after you’ve had a baby – when all you want to do is sleep. Plus, what you can do to spark your partner’s interest in sex when it seems like there’s no hope in sight. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Womanizer, JO Stimulants, Apex, UVee Follow Emily on social: @sexwithemily Follow Tal on social: @DENmeditation Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm joined by my friend and creator of Den Meditation, Tal Rebenowitz, to share about how meditation can benefit your life, which I'm sure you've heard all about the benefits of meditation, but it can also improve your sex life. Topics on this show include why meditating with a partner can be beneficial to your relationship. Ways meditation can improve your sex life, including performance anxiety. How to keep the intimacy alive with your partner after you've had a baby and all you want to do is sleep. And what you can do to spark your partner's interest in sex when it seems like there's no hope in sight. I can help you with this. All this and more, Thanks for listening Emily. You hear, you just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got to ever stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com because it's a good time. We have a new blog up there called Four Ways to Close the Orgasm Gap, which, come on, you guys, the orgasm gap is real and you can close it. And also, if you don't want to go out to our website, you just want to follow us on Instagram. We put our blogs up every day. You can swipe up and read them there.

It's all at Sex with Emily and all social across the board. I'm really excited for my guest today She's awesome. She's become a really good friend. She's one of these like love at first sight friendships when we met and She's had a really interesting career and she's also doing something that is very very close to my heart And I think you guys are gonna learn a lot today about Meditation practice that you guys know I talk about, but we're gonna get into this and how it can really help you with your life overall and definitely your sex life and your relationships.

So, Tile is a former entertainment industry executive, very high-powered woman, running a lot of stuff at a very young age and she's super driven and smart and hilarious. Oh, well you're very sweet and kind. I used to work at NBC, I ran comedy there, I was at Sony for a while, I was at the WB if anyone remembers that, it's like a relic now. I remember the WB of course. And you were so stressful, type A, working really hard, doing things that were probably way beyond what people were doing at your age at that time.

And even then you're just a smart. I was really lucky, I got my first executive job very early. And I was lucky and I always worked with great people, which I think helped me because it's true. Those are high stressful jobs, and they're just high volume, more than anything. I think it's changed a little bit now, just because there's so many outlets,

but the volume was insane. So you were just waking up and like reading scripts and working and you'd go to bed doing, I mean, I was just 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Right. So you were there for a long like reading scripts and working and you'd go to bed doing it. I mean, it was just, you know, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So you were there for a long time doing this. And you probably found 16 years of my life and entertainment.

And then that job ended in NBC. And when I was at NBC, I learned how to meditate when I was there, not from NBC, but while I was there in that last job. And I kept looking for somewhere to go because just like you, I know you do a regular practice. I was trying to do two times a day. I was trying to do 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night.

I was struggling really hard. It was just really difficult for me to do. I kept being like, okay, no big deal. I'll find a class and I'll just do it before work at lunch or after work and I'll just go there. As long as someone's guiding me, it forces me to sit my ass down and do it. It just didn't exist. I couldn't believe it.

I was like, I can do like yoga booty ballet. I can like do anything else, but meditate, which I found so crazy. And the idea just kept percolating in my head that I couldn't believe this business didn't exist, which to me would be so necessary and helpful. Tell actually launched the DEN meditation studios. Yeah, so after that I took some time

and then the idea was still percolating and was always there and finally I got my, I don't know if something finally I was like, I really just need to do it and I did it and I just kind of researched and next you know, I mean from the moment I finally pulled the trigger to like I'm actually going to do this to doors opening was like six months.

It was something really short and tight. It was kind of insane. Because you can like produce it. You can make it happen. You know what I do. I just, I had an idea. I was passionate about it. And once I said go, I went.

Going back to like your first, so here you were, high power job, working, stressed, and you took a meditation class, right? During NBC was providing it. No, NBC was not providing it. I just kind of woke up one morning. I was like, I feel like I need to learn to meditate, which is very me.

And I asked a friend to do with me who at the same time woke up with the same exact thought. That day? Yes, and I had gotten in touch with a teacher and then was picking up my phone to text her to say, hey, I'm getting in touch with this teacher do you want to do it? And right when I picked up the phone,

she texted me, saying, hey, I got in touch with this same teacher, do you want to learn? I mean, it was so serendipitous. And so we learned together with the head of casting and the three of us, we would bring her in and she came and taught us how to meditate. And so then because I ran my department, I could schedule it. So she and I would meditate together for 20 minutes. My assistant knew he would schedule it on the calendar, but I was always struggling with

that second practice. And so that's when I started looking for it. And it didn't exist. So yeah, we were early. Dan meditation was totally early on the scene. And it was a very clear vision for me, which is why I think it happened so fast, like how it needed a look, what it needed to be.

Because again, meditation I was way more talked about in more commonplace, but even though it's only two years, just two years ago, if you mentioned meditation, people were like, huh? When I told people my idea, they're like, are you sure about that? It was just that weird. They're like, why would anyone want to do that?

What was it about meditation that really connected to you? I think for me, and I've always said this, meditation is just a way of meeting yourself in just a nice, calm place. And so it's just getting to know yourself better. And I feel like if you don't like hanging out with yourself or being yourself more than anyone else, then that's a huge problem. So I think meditation is like the gateway of learning to love yourself or if you do love yourself, learning to really love yourself and accept yourself. And so to me, the more you know yourself, it just makes life easier. It makes decisions easier, relationships easier, you feel better, your health is better. So I just feel like it's just, it just only makes things great. And honestly, when you have good meditations,

it feels like you're on drugs, which is fantastic. It does, it does. Like the first time I did a silent retreat, I remember it was these retreats, where you do, they're like 12 hours a day, 12 hours a day, or 18. You meditate from 4am to 10 o'clock at night. And it was the seventh day, the 11th hour, I was like, I finally felt I transcended it

and had I was on drugs. Right, and I mean, not that that's why you should do it. But the point is, I realized after I said that, but had like I was on drugs. Right. And I mean, not that that's why you should do it. No, but the point is I realized after I said that. But the point is that you can't have these. You could have it without drugs. It's just like with exercise. Like sometimes that run just makes you feel euphoric

and like there are runs I remember specifically. Like how I felt the moment what I saw, like the song that was playing. And in the same way there's meditations I remember because I'm like, oh God, like I just felt great. And like, or I had this idea or I had this vision, and just like running, sometimes you meditate and it's miserable, and it's frustrating, and it's not great either, but no matter what the overall benefit

far outweighs if you have a bad sit. So how did you learn to love yourself more through meditation, and how can't help others learn to love themselves from me? I mean, interesting for people who are new to it. For me, it was more not so much learning to love myself, it was more, I think, forgiveness for certain things and acceptance. I was also going through a learning to love myself. It was more, I think forgiveness for certain things and acceptance.

I was also going through a really tough time. When I started meditating, I was going through divorce. The job was hard. So I think for me it was grappling with a lot of that stuff. And I think it was really helpful in, I was being myself up a lot and I think it was very helpful in getting me through that and learning exactly why I made certain decisions when I needed what I wanted. because I was really trying to figure out, do I want to

stay in this relationship, do I want to go? And that's a hard decision. Oh yeah. Especially when you're in your mid 30s and you're like, do I want kids, why not want kids? So it was really helping me gain clarity. Let's go back to when you said you were really hard on yourself, which I think a lot of us can relate to that nagging voice in our head beats ourselves up, what you do this or that. The thing about meditation that I found too, the more consistent I am with it, like you realize it's just your thoughts and it's about going back to your

body. Absolutely. And the moment, and you kind of just then you can come out of it with clarity. I think one of the best results of meditation or benefits is your ability to realize emotions are just emotions and thoughts are just thoughts. Now we all have them, they don't go away, just because you meditate. It doesn't mean they disappear, but they don't control you. And the problem is a lot of people, they do control them if they have a bad day or something bad happens. I mean, you almost don't want to be around that person.

And it shouldn't be like that. Like bad shit happens. Good things happen. You know, bad thoughts happen. Great thoughts happen, but they are just thoughts and they inform what's happening, but they shouldn't inform who you are at your core. And I think that is one of the most amazing benefits. And again, it goes back to you,

know who you truly are, not about what's happening around you. Okay, so how would you describe meditation to someone who's like, okay, Emily, are you talking about it? Or they're skeptical? Like, what's a good, they can't come to LA and go to the amazing den meditation. Yeah, I think it should be everywhere in the country. Maybe one day.

I think it will be, maybe an app too. How cool would that be? Why would you describe it to someone, the benefits, and then maybe what they can do? Well, I would say the benefits, we just talked about a lot of other. Or some other benefits that were just like, how would you just... Look, I'd say if you're skeptical, this is what I tell people, really skeptical, I'm like,

okay, at the very least, you have like five minutes of relaxation or five minutes to yourself, especially, let's say, because you were saying, if a woman comes in and she's nervous, it's like, if you're a busy person and you just take five minutes to shut down, even if you feel like you're not meditating or it's, quote, unquote, not working, you're still, when in today's day and age, do you sit somewhere for five, 10, 15, 20, whatever time you're allotting for yourself? Do you actually sit somewhere and not do anything? Right, with that. And that's why I used to tell myself, because I really struggled in the beginning again, going through it of course,

I had all these things in my head. I had a whole department I was running. My brain was like non-stop. And sometimes those 20 minutes were misery. Right, and I was like, well, what was the point? I didn't get anything out of this, except like mulling over on my problems. And what I would say to myself is,

I just sat somewhere for 20 minutes and I didn't check email, and I didn't read, and I was with myself, and I was with myself, and I was breathing. So even at the very least, even though that didn't feel very good, like I just gave myself a gift. Right, exactly.

So that's what I would tell someone who's skeptical, is at the very least, that's what you're doing. Yeah, at the very least, you're not with your phone and you're breathing. And if you start with that, and the more you do it, because I think then you're easier on yourself, then I bet you'll actually get more open, and then you'll start to actually see

some of the other benefits happening. And it takes a little bit of time. Yes, absolutely. It's like exercise. And it's so true that there are so many times you're like, what's the point? I had 30 seconds maybe where I was just breathing and not my thoughts, but that. And when I did my TM practice, transcendental meditation, I love that it was so like, that's cool. Go back to your thoughts when you can. If your mind races the whole time, it gives you the permission to just like, it's okay, even if you do it for 10 minutes, that's cool. Go back to your thoughts when you can. If your mind raises the whole time, it gives you the permission to just like,

it's okay, even if you do it for 10 minutes, like you tried. And I just, do whatever you can, it's gonna help you. And just like calming your body down in your nervous system down is a huge gift. And yeah, TM is a perfect example. And honestly, you know, we call it like anchor based meditation, any meditation, and by the way,

breathing is one, counting. Sometimes it's staring at something, just if you want to breathe and count it the same time, that gives your mind something to focus on, and then allows you to kind of drift. Which is why a mantra can work. And so your mantra's work. And so therefore, and what you're saying,

when your mind then starts going to your to-do list or whatever, it's okay. You're like, okay, have those thoughts, and then you just go back and you start over again, and before you know it, you'll have longer times of counting. Before you know it, there'll be moments where you don't know which has happened, nothing happened. Exactly.

And then you go back to counting again, or breathing, or your mantra, or whatever it is that's working for you. I felt like the first time I did it, that it was like this amazing tool that you learn, that your mind is like a wild animal in the jungle, and that it's totally in control unless we learn to control it.

I'm reacting to my mind and that I realized how hard it was. I said, I'm here in this meditation retreat. It's like 20 years ago. And my only job is to focus my breath. Like, that's all I have to do. That's so hard. I'm like, that's it. Like, there's nothing else but to sit and breathe and focus.

And it was so hard. And I beat myself up. And I created stories that everyone else was a good meditator and then you realize like, whoa, because like I do it, you feel like competitive and like, oh my gosh, she's it moved. I was itching, I was scratching, I wasn't supposed to move, she, my eyes were looking around, but then you realize like that is the practice, the practice within the practice and it's just it's just it's a discipline and of itself too. But yeah, it's and there is no competition and like you said, some days are bad, but

it really to have that time of like you said, no cooking, no, and just breathing. It's hard for us because we're out of practice. When do we do that? Never. I mean, since you were a baby, baby, baby, you've stopped doing that. We've just like, we filter in so much stuff,

especially today with like the internet and all like, when do we ever turn our phone on? No, you never. I mean, I actually, my niece just sat about, Miss was she turned 13 and like one of the piece of advice I gave her was like, one time from this point on in the rest of your life, when you go to meet your friends, turn your phone down,

like just turn it over and actually just sit there and see what happens. And I was like, the fact that I actually have to give that as a piece of advice to just be like, you'll be surprised. Like, don't stare at your phone while you're at a bar waiting or at a party. Like whatever it is, just put it down.

It's right, just put it down. Talk about being in the moment, not in the moment. Our phone is to take us out of the moment. So how has meditation helped with your relationship? Because your relationship now? I've been married. Yeah, married boyfriend, same thing. We're not the kids.

We're not the kids. We do the whole thing. I think it's funny, because I would say what we were talking about before, as far as not letting your emotions take over, I think it really helps you with your reactions as well. So the ability to like step back and see things clearly, especially in this relationship has been very helpful for me. Like my boyfriend's amazing, but he has grown a lot emotionally.

And I think the patients that, not that I'm perfect, by the way, but what I was about to say made it seem like. You could be perfect. But I gotta say. But I mean, I've had issues too, but I would say I think the patients I'm perfect by the way, but what I was about to say made it seem like. You could be perfect, but I gotta say. But I mean, I've had issues too, but I would say I think the patients I've had in the relationship a lot of it is due because I meditate and I've had the ability

to kind of step back and look at certain moments and be like, yeah, that might've been shitty, but I know this is what's really going on or that reaction, you know, to curbing, because I can be so pissy and I can get really angry too. And I feel like it helps me curb that a little bit too. And I'd be able to like step back. And that's huge.

Because then it allows you to communicate better. Exactly. Does he meditate? He is, he's starting to, you know, it's funny. He's never been a big meditator. And it drives me crazy. Because when he does come into the Dan and meditate, he falls in so quickly.

And I'm like, you don't know how lucky you are. It is such a struggle for people. And you get in like that. He'll get there. I like it there. I think that's part of his are. It is such a struggle for people, and you get in like that. I hope you're up there. I like that you go. I think that's part of his journey. And there's a lot of power in meditating together. Like, as a couple.

It's funny, we haven't done it yet. Because I tried once, and no, I actually think for us it's gonna be huge. And I feel like it's actually a next step. He's been doing a lot of work in other ways. And I feel like it's our next step together. And I'm actually really excited about it. Talk to me about the power of meditating in a group.

How strong that is, which is what you provided the dance. Yeah, I think it's great. I mean, I think for some people they're like, oh no, it needs to be absolutely silent. So hearing someone fidget or breathe, really throws them off, but that's also part of your practice. You need to learn to not get thrown off by anything. There is an energy.

It's kind of a week before I met you to meditate. Right now, that's my day right now. I'm not the most boring show ever. So there is something about being in a group. Ever, even when you go to a concert and you hear the music and everyone's singing at the same time and there's that energy, it's the same thing, but a much quieter version.

So it's like everyone is putting this power and this energy into going to like a source. I mean, it's sounding very religious now, but I don't mean it to whether it be themselves or something and that energy is contagious. And you feed off of each other. And there is a feeling that you have while meditating with others that you don't always get.

And when I do find that sometimes the ability to go into a really deep meditation is actually helpful in a group, which is crazy because sometimes you're very distracted. No, I feel that's the same way I feel. I think just that energy alone that's vibrating around you actually helps you. Yeah, I think it's so good. Okay, I read a quote from you. Oh, I know. And this kind of applies to relationships.

So you said, what could I have done differently? Why do I feel like I'm in this position, what part did I play in this? You say there's always something to learn. And if you learn the lessons, the struggle doesn't feel like a struggle. It feels like a speed bump. I said that? Yeah, you did. I thought it was struggle. It feels like a speed bump. I said that.

Yeah. You did. I thought it was a lovely quote. But it's more like I think that we all struggle with so many things that I'm wondering like, dude, does that help you in your, like I know that you think, like we can all look at things that are hard and I think see the positive is helping your relationship or how else does it look like? I have a big philosophy. Like you were just saying of positivity and attitude and how you look at something.

And I think it changes everything. And I used to struggle because I had a friend who were no longer friends and there was a lot of negativity around it. And this was a long time ago. And I felt guilty for having good things in my life because she was just always so angry about everything. And the way she would twist it was as if like everything was lucky. Now by the way, I'm a very lucky human being, so I'm not going to say I'm not.

But I started to realize, as I got older, and looking at people and how they react, and I realized, wow, a lot of depressed people, or people that are sad, are very angry at happy people. Right. It's so true. And they're angry at happy people, because they think life is easy for them. And I know a lot of happy people were life isn't so easy for them. It's just their choice of how they attack each moment.

A choice in every moment. And how they look at it. And it was that moment where it's like, maybe you wouldn't be so sad and depressed if you would switch the way you'd look at stuff. Because, I mean, you can meet some people or some gnarly shit that's happened to them. And they're actually happy. I mean, it doesn't, they don't have stuff to work through. And it's just fascinating.

And so that attitude, I think, that's part of it too, or anything that happens, any obstacle in your life that happens to you, it can be just a speed bump. It can just be that little thing that happened that from anything that's huge to small, it's all your perspective on how you want to take it. And again, I think that goes accepting yourself and loving yourself. And we all fuck up and we all make mistakes. And nobody is free of that. So if you're just like, shit, that is my mistake. I joke, I say, mommy made a mistake daily to my child. Daily, I was like, oops, mommy, fuck, oh, I don't say fucks up though I want to. It's really hard for me not to curse.

And I always say like mommy made a mistake so often with her because I want her to know like it's really okay to make mistakes and it's not a big deal and just move on. Like let's fix it. And I do make mistakes all the time whether they're tiny or big. Do you think she's like drinking when she was 18

to like, sorry mommy, I mean, I'm gonna say it. Maybe and I was gonna totally backfire. No, but that's so drinking when she was 18? She was like, sorry, mommy. I mean, I'm staying. Maybe, and I was going to totally backfire. No, but that's so smart. I think that there is a certain perfectionism that's kind of a plague for a lot of people. Their whole life, they'd be perfect and to say, no, I mean, a mistake can start always perfect.

And because she's also in the wife, so there's a lot of like, mommy, why? And I'm like, because I made a mistake. Right. And tell me, why am I turning around the block? Because I'm just the wrong place. Exactly. So we talked about meditation and relationship.

What about sex? I mean, I think. Exactly. So we talked about meditation and relationship. What about sex? I mean, I think for similar reasons that we talked about the relationship, I think it just teaches you to be more present and know yourself better. And I think the more you know yourself and your likes and your dislikes to be very basic, it helps you. And also, like things you've taught me,

I mean, just being present and breathing and making sure that you can remember the moment and be exactly where you are versus thinking about the million things that are actually probably you want to be thinking about or on the back of your head. And I joke is you have really actually taught me a lot. You and I have had so many conversations about this stuff. But I do think it's really helpful with sex in that sense too.

I think the more you're present with yourself, the more your senses are heightened. I think the more you know what you want and what you need. And again, I think the more you know how to communicate, so you can you know what you want and what you need. And again, I think the more you know how to communicate so you can actually communicate what you want and what you need, again, it just makes it better. It does. I love that you say that because we were talking about this how I told you once, like, just to breathe during sex. Oh, I'm going to teach. She's so obvious.

So obvious. I'm telling you all the time, Jamie's work for three years. Jamie's gone home. Like, she's heard me say it, but then there are these moments where I think it was a few weeks ago. She's like, Oh, I went home when I. I was having even though she's immersed in sex. She's like, and I breathe and I had most incredible. I mean, that's what happened to me. We were at dinner and we were talking about it. And you told me and I went home and I was like, how do I not know?

I mean, I'm meditate. It's all right. It's all right. And just like, and just like, we're in the middle of it. I was like, I was thinking about you. And I love that. And no, and I just like literally, I think it was like three deep breaths. And I was like, holy fuck.

We said, I mean, it was so fast. That's what was so crazy about it. I mean, my I just like literally I think it was like three deep breaths and I was like, holy fuck it. We said I mean it was so fast. That's what was so crazy about it. I'm not gonna let my whole body just react to it. It maybe it is because I'm a meditator so I connect quickly. Right. But it was, so there you go, there's another benefit. The more you do it, the faster you can connect. Well you do it, the faster you can do it guys.

And because I think a lot of sexual things people struggle with is because they are in their mind. They're in their head and they're over. Same. Do even though I'm the sex expert, I for sure, to my mind. That's my biggest problem. Yeah, well most, so you know, it's funny. I would say that that of a lot of the questions

we get, the biggest challenge when people have like, like they can't orgasm and men and women during sex is because they are distracted. They're thinking about the to-do list or thinking out what hasn't happened, what could happen, what happened last time I couldn't orgasm, will I be able to? And the easiest way to get out of that is just say, okay, that's great.

Those are the thoughts. And then what's happening? I'm breathing right now. What do I feel? What does that partner feel like inside of me? If you can just remember to do that even if it's a hundred times during sex? Do you think men take it personally when women struggle with orgasm? I do.

I think because I know women take it personally. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, absolutely. I think that a lot of men think I should be the master of the universe, and if she doesn't orgasm, it's like, it's my fault. And so I think a lot of times it might be, if you, no. And I think it's true that there's a lot of times

it's an RFP because we are not communicating our needs to our partners, officially. So I think I used to, when I was younger, I would blame my partners, but I can't believe I didn't used to, when I was younger, I would blame my partners. I'm like, I can't believe I didn't orgasm, but I never even orgasm on my own, but I thought the men had the magic keys to make me orgasm. But yeah, so if we're just talking surface men,

it's a good thing. So do you orgasm pretty much every time you have sex? Now that you have all these tools. I can pretty much every time, but not like, I have all these different degrees. Different degrees of like, since I can have three, sometimes I can, you know, three at once.

And son of a hat. Yeah, well hey, that's practice too. Yeah, I can definitely make sure that if it's not during intercourse because only 30% of women can during intercourse, I have no problem like using a toy, having a world four play, or all sex, but. And with that, I think you said it.

Or is it, oh, it's right there on your wall when you said four plays starts after the last orgasm, that's actually one of my favorite things. Yeah, it's really but cuz key my boyfriend's always like what okay Yeah, no, it's right it's great because and that my turn. Let's yeah, right Yeah, it's true. It's a whole lot of something Yeah, you keep going in the moment there, but also it can mean like if you don't see him your partner in the day You'd be like, God that was so hot last night. Can't wait to see you tonight Send the sexually picture of if you're married.

And they won't show it to anyone. But you don't even keep building up the foreplay because especially for women with the brain being our largest sex organ, we want to keep feeding our mind of those thoughts and connect it to our partner. Okay, so I have a sex in the news. I'll be talking to you here with. That it is, I love this.

This kid I was thinking about you and I was so excited you were coming on the show because you probably saw that it was not in the news. It was meditation can boost your sex life in a major way, study finds. I was thinking about you and I was so excited you were coming on the show because you probably saw that it was not in the news. It was meditation can boost your sex life in a major way study finds. So I don't know if you saw it, but we get all the alerts about sex. I love it. So this was a study.

And it says when it comes to your sex life, you may sometimes look for ways to make it better, whether it means sex locations or positions. However, the answer to a more fulfilling sex life could be simpler than that. Meditation. Meditation more fulfilling sex life could be simpler than that, meditation. Meditation enhances your sex life. And this is from the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, it's like a legit study. And it's, I know, it's totally legit.

It's a nice, it's not just a more stuff like that, just makes it more mainstream. And again, I mean, if sex is a benefit who doesn't want to meditate, that. Oh right, if you can get any kind of, you put this up on your wall. Come back because your sex life's gonna improve and you're in your dent in your study

I'm making up a flyer tonight. It says in the study women were surveyed ages 19 to 20 were surveyed about both their sex lives and experience with meditation And it says women who died meditation said they had better sexual functioning versus women who had never meditated Meaning that they were more self-aware of their internal body sensations, they were able to get more roused, lubricated, orgasm more often and more desire, which is. That makes total sense. Everything we want. And so I thought, yeah, what do you think about that? I know, I think it's amazing.

And I'm so happy that there's articles being written. Because again, the more people know, the more mainstream it becomes, and honestly, meditation's only gonna make the world a better place. And everybody happier. That's what people don't realize. When you're happier, the next person's happier,

and the next person, and there's less people screaming each other in the car. I saw a guy today on the World Canyon, outside of his car, banging on another person's window. And I'm like, oh. I saw that a mountain rose the other night. I was scared. And I remember just being like, was it worth it?

Was that really worth all the energy? But I'm saying, the more people meditate, the less that shit happens, but the more sex everyone's going to be happening. And it's just everyone's happier. Exactly. So it's great when there's articles like this. And I think you and I've already talked about this a lot.

Again, the more you can just be centered and be open, the more all these feelings will literally like flow away. They will. They can't help it. I don't know. People think it's so overwhelming. You could do it in your car. I used to do it anywhere.

I take my head to film, my own noise canceling, and I sit in my car and do it for a come in the office for five minutes, it's just a reset. So also, this goes on to talk about the other benefits and you probably know this too, is that reduces stress, improves concentration, increases your self-awareness, and it reduces anxiety. This is the other thing that's interesting is that

that is a huge one. I don't have a ton of anxiety, so I always forget to talk about it when people ask me personally. But it is a huge one. And I would say most of the people who walk into the den, it is because of anxiety.

Yeah. The number one killer of our sex drive is anxiety. Yeah. If we're too stressed and we're worried about everything else, we will not have sex. People are stressed right now, man, I get it. It's like there's a lot going on and the energy's intense.

And I mean, we're all just doing too many things. Like we just are all over-scheduled and have too much going on. Right. And it's impossible to relax, but I do. I see like heavy anxiety. Like, people, like, they come in and you can just see it in their body.

And then they leave, and then when they leave, and the whole, like, everything is shifted, which is so great, and then the more they do it, there's actual changes, like, shifting inside of them, which is fantastic. It's true. You actually have shifts, like, if they study the brainwaves of people who meditate, like it's...

For sure. And it releases different chemicals, so it actually just calms your nervous system down. God, it's brilliant. You're in a good business. Ex-imitation. Well, I say I like it because our production widget is like making people happy and feel good.

So it's true. It's great, yeah. Yeah, the final thing is it decreases depression while increasing happiness. Like there's a win-win here and you can do it anywhere and you need to buy anything. Nope. So I'm going to give a shout out to our sponsors now.

Thank you for supporting the show. And thank you for supporting our sponsors. I love you all. We'll be right back. I'm going to have you help me answer some questions, Tal. Can't wait. OK, thanks. I'm here with Tal Robinoids.

Thank you for staying from Dad Meditation, and I appreciate your help answering these questions. If you have a question, you want me to answer on the show. That's amazing. I love hearing from you. You can text Ask Emily all one word to 7979-7979. It'll be a short form. You can fill out.

And if you want me to call you during a future color show, just check that box. You can also submit questions on the website and always include the information that helps me help you your gender or age where you live and how you listen to the show. Allison, 31 San Diego. Hi, Emily. I love you and your podcast. My boyfriend, I've been dating for 1.5 years. Thank you for being clear.

We're in LDR, long-term relationship, or long distance relationship, and we're looking to move in together soon. Finally, we have a great relationship based on trust and communication, and he checks off all the boxes, except for one right now, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don his head. This leads to him not performing, me being upset, him feeling like a failure, and the circle

continues. If it's put a huge strain in our relationship, he says he's never had this issue. I just make him nervous in the bedroom in a good way. I'm frustrated and hurt. Sex should be easy. He's been to a doctor, his testosterone levels are normal, and he started seeing a therapist who suggests meditation. Williket better? Do you have any tips on overcoming performance anxiety in the bedroom? What can I do? We've had great sex before. I know it can happen, but how do we build

dig a hole that's so deep right now? Please help. Okay, Allison. So what I first want to say is thank you so much for emailing me. We talk about this a lot. Like performance anxiety is a real, like it's in your head. Okay, so if he's having anxiety, so, you know, PE or ED and it's just, he's just not performing, I'm telling you, I love that you said meditation and that's why I wanted to talk about this that and I'm sure you're 31 years old, he's probably about your age.

There shouldn't be anything medically wrong with him why he cannot control his ejaculation, why I can't control his erection. So it's because he's in his head, you already know this. And it's probably as anxiety in other parts of his life. So I don't know, meditation. Well, meditation for sure, but I would also, I'm not that I should be giving relationship advice.

You should, but I would say one of the things too is, and I know it's really hard, especially in those situations, because you take it personally, even though you know you shouldn't, don't get mad. Like even because she said something in there, like then I get mad and he's mad and I'm mad. It just hold it in, bitch to a girlfriend or something, but act like it's not a big deal at all because that is just what keeps the cycle going and just makes it so difficult for

guys because they already feel like shit to begin with. And then if you're mad, then they feel like they're disappointing you. And it becomes a whole thing. And it is the whole gets deeper, like you said. You're so deep about that. Right. That is such a good point. I think the problem is, is that the more frustrated you get at him, and even that you don't want to, Alison, the more it's so easy to be frustrated.

Yeah, it's your like, oh my god, like, come on, let's get it going. I want my orgasm. I want it like, already again, still, it's just gonna make it worse. So the more you can talk about it outside the bedroom, you guys always say these things, you don't wanna talk about it right after, and like again, really, you did that thing. Oh no, I'm gonna sit here and have to masturbate

without you, no, Allison. And you just gotta take it off to the bedroom and say, babe, I love you, I wanna make this work. What can we do together? And you know, you just gave me an idea when you were saying that. Like also maybe just move off of him and start pleasureing yourself,

but like touching it, like while touching, so keep him involved. But like take all the attention away from him and all the pressure away from him. So that again, it's another way of like emphasizing, don't worry about it, so not a big deal. Like we're still good and I'm still about to have some fun. Yeah, exactly.

Because sex without the goal of orgasm can be really freeing for a lot of couples. Because come on everybody orgasms every single time and right now he's having challenges around it so if you just are like you know what babe let's just mutually master you know mutual masturbation is a great tool for couples who just want to like sit next to each other they can both get off and watch each other that can be really hot or just like letting them know that it's cool and you're gonna let them take his time we

kind of rebuild again and say or we can just take sex off the table let's rediscover each other's a Roger Zones. I think that would be a great way to. And also fun, like all of us should be doing that. All of us should be doing that. Like taking out the table for a while and playing in other ways. Yeah, because we want to like kind of get attached again

to the remember all the Roger Zones and why we fell in love with the first place. I want to make sex great again. But to bring it back to meditation, yes, meditation would be great because what we were talking about earlier in the episode, just breathing and techniques he would learn through meditation he can bring to sex, which will help him not get sick in his head.

Exactly. And I think it just goes back to the simple technique you always talk about of just if you would just start breathing and concentrate on his breath versus probably like, oh God, oh God, this is happening and oh fuck fuck, I went out, she's pebbled a lot, then it'll just... Right, the mindshatter., this is happening. I know fuck fuck. I went out, she spit, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then it'll just. Right, the mind-shatter. Absolutely. Thank you.

That was great. OK, Chelsea 29 Kentucky. Hello, Emily. I love being a new listener of your podcast. I had a C-section baby four months ago, and I don't know about other women, but I was ready to have sex again way earlier than most moms. I know.

My husband and I are both having the same, both have the same love language, physical touch, and neither of us likes going very long without intimacy. We've had such a hard time fitting this into our lives post-baby, even though we both want it physically and emotionally. Our baby isn't a good sleeper as soon as she goes down we both are trying to sleep rather than be together. How long does this go on? Any suggestions for how to balance extreme exhaustion and our desire for sex?

Chelsea, after having a child, bring a child into your life, like the loss of sleep and the loss of your intimacy is the struggle to keep that going is real, right? It's so hard. It's so hard, like sex less than my mind. I am in. So I mean, it's nice that it actually isn't the last thing

on her mind and your husband's apparently too. That's nice because for most couples, it literally just, it is the last thing on your mind or you're not on the same page. It is so hard, you're just so tired. I mean, I don't know, you probably have better answers. Because they don't put a lot of pressure on yourself either. So first of all, you're saying that you're a lot ready

for sex after four months, that's pretty good, you know, to one and a half sex. And you've had a hard time fitting in. I would say, and I get it, you know the whole love language thing, I'm really into ready for sex after four months. That's pretty good, you know, to wanna have sex. And you've had a hard time fitting in. I would say, and I get it, you know the whole love language thing, I'm really into the five love languages. It's also a book, physical touch. I left it on the shitter for my boyfriend. You did, you did, you better read it.

Here you go. Did he read it or he could take it? Oh yeah, yeah, no excuse, because I put it there. I was like, these are the two chapters, you have to read a mind, and then you just have to read this and let me know. And then we're good. Did you guys find out we were in love with each other? We still long ago, and let me know. And then we're good. Does it work?

Did you guys find out what you're loving? So long ago. And yes, of course, ours aren't the same. But it was very helpful. But it was very helpful. Absolutely. So for love languages, there's five of them. I don't know if I have to always, there's a blog on our website about it.

It's physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, and service. Acts of service. So usually there's two that you relate to. So you both are physical touch, which I think first of all, let me tell you this, Chelsea, that's amazing because when one partner of physical touch and the other isn't, it's really hard. It's a hard one. Yeah, that's a hard one because you got it, but you both want it.

So I think there's ways to be intimate without sex. So if you guys like we're just going to touch each other without the goal of having intercourse, but like I just talked to a couple recently who took a essential massage class together. It was one night, it was like two hours, and now they actually know how to touch each other. So maybe just like you each do it for 15 minutes and you switch or just like touch each other,

rub each other's feet or his head for 10 minutes and then he does it for you. So that would be a way to bring it back. But you're asking how long it goes on. I'm not really, I'm never gonna give anyone a number here. That's also different for everybody. And also how your baby is and how you parent. Like some people are just constantly in the,

you know, the bedroom with the kid and not like if they cry. So then that goes on a lot longer because then your child doesn't sleep, which is also okay. And so that's, that's, yeah, there's no actual answer to that. Right, exactly. And four months is still pretty early on. It's early, yeah.

So it goes on for, it can go on for a while, but I love that you're, you know, as long as it needs to go on until your bodies are both ready. I don't know your financial situation, but like you can always get a baby. Oh my god, yeah. Or if you family near you, or if you have family or friends that'll just come in

for even an hour and just go out in the back or in the car, I mean, exactly. But there's other ways that you have to. And you got to bet, I think this is when scheduling happens more than ever. You really have to schedule sex. And I just think that was the most unsexy as thing. Like, oh great, you know, two o'clock on Saturday sex. But the truth is for so many couples, here's why it works.

Is because when you both want sex all the time, but maybe you want it on a Monday and then you try and you feel rejected because he doesn't. But then he tries it on Wednesday and you reject him. And then he feels bad. You guys carry these resentments with the weekend every night. You get home and one of you's like, are we gonna? Are we gonna? But if you know Saturday night, 8 o'clock,

we're having sex, it takes so much pressure off. That's the one thing that you can build up to that. But also, then like on Saturday, you start to be like, we're having sex tonight. You start to build up to it. You shave, you feel good, you find your sexy laundry, and it happens. And then something like, you have that excitement built in. So, yeah, I'm with you. I think especially when she's a child, you have to schedule it. You do. You do.

Ken, 41 in New Mexico. Dear Emily, my wife's enthusiasm for sex is exactly zero. She lays there not moving, not making a sound, not giving me any feedback or guidance while I tried to solve the mystery of her vulva. I tried everything a person can, reasonably try without success. Things that don't help include romance, compliments, spontaneity, dirty talk, extended foreplay and toys.

Even orgasms are of no importance to her. She values having an orgasm like a person values finding a quarter on the sidewalk. Ay, who cares? It's just a quarter. Oh my god, I love you Ken. Do you want to write for us? It's like, trying to make the world's greatest pizza for someone who just doesn't like pizza.

The funny thing is, we have sex as often as I want. She never says no or not tonight, but she does as the bare minimum every time. We've been together 15 plus years. Can she become interested in something for which she has shown zero interest? Okay, Ken, this is a fabulous question. So for 15 years you're telling me, you can't even go back to the honeymoon phase here.

That sounds like it didn't exist. Yeah, but she said zero interest. And so I wanna know about her, is she has she ever had a point? There's some communication and there's some really deep diving that has to go into your wife now. Has she ever even before you like does she masturbate does she have orgasms in the past? Does she have fantasies like and so I just want to know like what her sexual history is but then also as her untreated trauma

she had medication. If you're on any depresspressants, maybe she's been on for 15 years and it wipes out her sex drive, she had birth control. There could be something going on here and the fact that she's not interested and she just wrote it off. There could be any of those reasons, but you alone can, you've done everything.

Let's just say right now, you win the award for literally trying everything. And so- And describing it the best. And describing it in an amazing way, like I get it, but she has to be on board I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something.

I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. I'm just trying to be able to do something. It's questions like have you guys talked about it? Because to me it would be the biggest, can you communicate and say that it's not so much

about quantity and volume of it. It's you want the quality to be better. And you want to please her. And again, maybe there's ways like you were just talking about earlier of pleasing her that aren't necessarily sex. And you can get her to start opening up and looking at it differently that way.

You can just touch her, maybe. Is there any sort of touch you want? I'm wondering. Is there a hug, is there any sort of touch she wants? I'm wondering. Is there a hug? Is there any other version of intimacy that she might be, that might actually make her feel really good and really safe, and that can be something you can explore with, too?

Right. I think exactly, like there are other ways, but it sounds like you are frustrated here that you've tried everything. Have you tried therapy? Because I think that every couple could use it at some point in their life. And it's been 15 years, and you can find a sex therapist or a regular therapist that can

help you get your marriage and family therapist that can help you guys really drill down on this because you've been trying for 15 years. And I feel like at this point you have enough information to know that whatever you're trying now, you've tried it all, isn't working. So it really helps to bring in a third party. So that's what I recommend to you, Ken. Thank you so much for emailing. Tal, Rubinoids.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. This was so fun. I know, it was so fun. So everyone can find you at the Den Meditation. Absolutely. And that's your at Den Meditation.com. Den Meditation, all social media.

Come find us, come follow us. We don't have to go to stores. Yeah, we do retreats, we do everything. Yeah, I love that you do retreats. I want to come do a retreat. So check all of that out. It'll also be in the show notes. Thank you for being here.

And we have our own podcast coming up soon. Oh, yeah. Okay, I just said her podcast too. So you've got to check out her podcast. I know it's not lost yet. You're going to be one of our first guests. So it's going to be hopefully by June. So onward, I'm so excited.

Okay, you guys, you want another great podcast to listen to? It will be the dem meditation. It's Den Talks. Den Talks, I love it. I'm so excited. Okay, you guys, do you want another great podcast to listen to? It will be the dem meditation. It's Den Talks. Den Talks, I love it. Thank you, Tal. Thank you, everyone, for listening to the show. I love you. I love hearing from you so much.

It makes my day. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jenny, our volunteer Sarah, our production team, producer Jamie, Lark, and our engineer, and editor, Michael. Thanks, everyone, for listening. It was good for you. Email me. Feedback at sexwithaml.com. Lark and our engineer and editor, Michael. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithaml.com.