Sex With Emily - On the Same Sex Page

Episode Date: February 15, 2018

Happy Valentine’s Day! Since all you listeners are like Emily’s extended family, we’re bringing you a bonus show this week, to show how much we all appreciate you. Emily’s taking your calls and giving simple ways to ease into mindful sex, how to evolve your sexual compatibility, using porn as an appetizer for sex, and not the entree, and tips for channeling your inner sex goddess, even when you’re not that experienced. So celebrate the day of love with us! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Intensity, Adam & Eve, JO Jellies Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and happy Valentine's Day everyone. During this holiday, we typically give to those we love, partners, friends, family, and because you're my extended family, I'm excited to share this bonus show as I can't make you all dinner and show you my appreciation in person. And today's show, I'm taking some of your sex and relationship calls and we get into easy ways to ease into mindful sex, how to evolve your sexual compatibility, coming to terms with a relationship that really isn't working, using porn as an appetizer for sex and not the entree, and tips for channeling your inner sex goddess.

Even when you're not that experienced, all this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. It's so nice. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything

in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. We've got a lot going on there, lots of blogs and posts and things that you wouldn't quite know about sex with Emily by just listening to the podcast. Also, you guys, I'm really proud we did 14 days of Valentine's Day tips this year. We did videos and they're posted on our Facebook and Instagram and Twitter, which is all at sex with Emily. And I love getting your responses,

and it looks like they've been helpful, because that was my goal. I want to take the stress out of Valentine's Day, make it easy, and make you experience all that love around you. And remember, you can always go back and check out these tips, because even if you don't, I don't think you can do all 14 things tonight, but it's great fodder for the year ahead.

So check that out. You know, anytime you're like, God, I want to try something creative tonight, but it's great fodder for the year ahead. So check that out. You know, anytime you're like, God, I want to try something creative tonight, you can be like, oh, Emily had 14 videos. And we're gonna be doing more of them. So again, I'd love to hear what you think. So as always, join me on social. It's at Tech with Emily, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat,

and Twitter. We always post when a new episode is live. We link to our blog posts and just all the great content we put out here. I have an amazing team and we just want you to have better sex. That is our goal. Speaking of better sex, we held a contest in December called Better Lover 2018. And we asked you to reflect on your sex life over the past year.

See what you liked, what you didn't like, and what you could do to change it up for the better. And then we wanted you to make a pledge. We wanted to know what steps you were going to take to make sure that 2018 was the year that you're going to become the best lover yet, either with a partner or by yourself. And we got so many amazing, thoughtful, inspiring, and super hot submissions. And we were all just moved and inspired over here. So thanks for putting the effort into your sex life and we picked a few winners and we

actually posted them on our website as a blog post. But I wanted to read some to you, just a few, some of the winners, but remember you're all winners. But I think these are going to give you little inspiration as well to get your butt going to become that best lover. So here's the first one. Be the leading lady of your own life. I pledge to be a better lover to myself.

I'll put the health of my body, mind, and spirit first and foremost. I turn 28 in early March, and I want this to be my best year. I graduate from grad school this year and will finally start my career and working towards my life goals. I know I deserve this.

I deserve to be happy and fine happiness. I need to start making my actions reflect what I know I deserve this. I deserve to be happy and fine happiness. I need to start making my actions reflect what I know I deserve. I've been single for two years now and I realize that that's okay. I refuse to settle and to just be in a relationship with a sake of being in one, I don't need a man to feel secure in my life. I also pledge to allow myself to not make a specific

someone in my life a priority went to him. I'm only an option. I deserve the role of leading lady, not a supporting role. I'm the boss of my life, my heart, my feelings, and my emotions. I pledge to make myself and my heart happy first. Other aspects of my life will fall into place, how they're meant to be, and I am, and will remain to be at peace with that. Hannah aged 27, I love this. I got chills just reading this you guys.

I love how empowered she is and how Hannah's really realizes that we're really not gonna be able to get the love that we want and crave and deserve until we give it to ourselves, until we focus on our lives, we focus on making ourselves happy because if we don't love ourselves,

we won't attract the right person who can do so. I always say if you're coming to a relationship with half of yourself, you're just going to find someone else that you think fills up that other half or completes you, as they say, but we're not actually looking for that. We want to go into a relationship pretty whole. So Hannah, I love that you're single and you're embracing it. Being single is not a death sentence. So thank you, Hannah, for inspiring us.

Okay, here's another one. I've been with my partner for almost six years and we actually just got engaged last week. I have two goals for a better sex life in 2018 to have more sex and break out of our routine. I have one idea which I hope will achieve both of these. I made a sexy Tumblr account where I've been cultivating things that turn me on, toys and outfits I'd like to buy,

and things I'd like to try. I'm gonna give my boyfriend a link and the password to my private page where under each picture of video, I put a caption just for him. I hope this gives him insight into things that turn me on and give us both some inspiration for new things we want to try. But most importantly, get the conversation going. Making this tumbler has also been super helpful with my goal to have more sex. All I have to do is open the tumbler app for 10 minutes and I'm turned on and ready to have some fun.

Erica, age 23. I love this one, you guys, because here's the thing, you know, you know I'm a huge fan of communication, you know, about sex and about your relationship and what you want and you desire. And here's the thing, I give you guys a lot of tips. I tell you about how to do it, where to do it, when to do it, but you know, you guys time to get creative. I mean, if you're the kind of person who's like,

you know what, it's not as easy for me to have it face to face. I'm gonna create a Tumblr account and I can't explain to you what I want and bet, but I know it when I see it. I mean, I think this is brilliant, Erica. I think this is a great idea. And the toofr, I love that she's like, goes back and watches the porn.

And she's like, wow, this really turns me on. Because even if you're not in a relationship, I think this is a great exercise. If you've just been like, look it as a research report. You're like, I don't know what I like. Tumblr does have some great porn. Start watching it, bookmarking it, and create your own sexy spreadsheet of things

that you love and notes to yourself about what turns you on. I think this is just a really cool tool and a good idea and hopefully inspires you to communicate in whatever way you see fit about your sex life because life too short for bad sex in 2018 is here to have amazing sex. And finally our last one and again the rest are also on a blog we can attach this in the show notes. For 2018 I think the biggest goal for my partner and I will be to continue to communicate about sex with each other and to keep being comfortable with our sex lives. Sometimes it's tough for my partner to see how incredibly sexy I find her. So my communication,

not just words of body language actions, etc., is something that I want to keep building on. Her confidence is sexy and my communication to help build that confidence. Well, it's a sexy cycle. We also have two kids, a boy and a girl, and they're both unbearably embarrassed about everything sex. I want to make sure that we talk to them openly and honestly about sex. And my goal is to pass on my openness and understanding about sex to my daughter. So she's comfortable with a her own body, b sex and relationships and c can be open about sex, but still responsible and safe. Jerry age 37. And I love this because Jerry's not only focusing on affirming his wife through words and actions

and body language and making their sex life sexier, but he's also thinking about the kids, you guys, because I know having children can be super challenging, especially these days, like when do we talk to him, or how do we talk about it to them? Because you know, schools aren't doing the job, and I know it can be tough for parents. So really thinking about, you know, how you we talk to them? How do we talk about it to them? Because, you know, schools aren't doing the job. And I know it can be tough for parents. So really thinking about, you know, how you want them to learn.

I heard this last week from a friend of mine. She said, it's either you or YouTube. So who do you want teaching your kids? So that's the little inspiration. I think you got to ask questions as they come up with your kids. And also, I think it's important to talk to them about pleasure, especially girls. And boys, they don't know why they're masturbating so you can explain to them that masturbation is something to keep in private but it's also a part of pleasure and it's important

as you all know. So we're going to get into your calls right now you guys. This is a super fun show. Happy Valentine's Day. You guys remember it's a day of love. Start with loving yourself and everyone around you and I love you. Okay, now on to your calls. And if you have a question that you want me to answer on the show, you can easily text it to me. That's Ask Emily, all one word to 7979. I'd love that you guys have been doing that lately. It's really easy. If you want to be called during the show, you just check that box that you'd like to be called. You can also submit it through the website sexwithemle.com via the Ask Emily tab. And please always include your gender, your age,

where you live and how you listen to the show, because it helps me help you. Thanks guys, can't wait to hear from you. We have Ben, he's 25 from Washington, D.C. and he wants to know how to let himself get lost in the moment during sex. Hi, Ben. Thanks for calling. Hi, yeah, thanks for having me.

So happy to meet you. Tell me what's going on. So basically, I've been having more and more trouble getting out of my head during sex. It's not related to performance anxiety or anything like that, but I'm almost just narrating in my head for observing the events as they happen. Almost like I'm kind of watching it in third person.

Right. I never really get lost in the moment anymore, and it's just making sex not that enjoyable. Yeah, I'm talking about it. Yeah, I know you encourage us in listeners to practice mindfulness, but that's something I've always found challenging. So I was wondering if you had any advice

for being mindful specifically during sex. Yeah, absolutely. I do. I mean, yes, it during sex. Yeah, absolutely. I do. Yes, it helps in day to day life. Are you with someone right now, or you're dating, sleeping with people? It's a date. Seven people dating, got it.

Perfect. So you can practice. Here's the thing. When we are having sex and you get lost, you're in your head, right? What you're telling me is you're creating your own story in your head, and maybe you're thinking about porn, or you're thinking like, oh, look at me,

having sex with this hot chick, or whatever. Or is that what's that noise? Is someone home? It's like you're thinking about porn or you're thinking like, oh, look at me having sex with this hot chick or whatever. Or is that what's that noise? Is someone home is like you're thinking all these thoughts. The best thing I can tell you in the easiest way to start is to focus on what you're feeling in the moment. And I'm telling you, you might have to go back to this a hundred times during sex, but it gets easier. It's a muscle that you practice.

So when you're like, oh, wow, look at this chick. I'm having sex with. I wonder what she'd look like. You know, I wonder if we should have a threesome. You can say, okay, wait, okay, Ben, go back to, I'm gonna go back to my feeling right now. What does it feel like with your penis inside her? What does her skin feel like?

Focus on all the senses. So what's the scent in the room? What are you listening to? Is there music? Is there sound? So when we get in touch with all the senses, site, touch, sound, what you're feeling, all the other emotions, hearing, that

really helps anchor us into the moment and be present. And then you just can't be in your head. But the practice of it, you can also can't beat yourself up because that's another voice and it's all you. But that's you saying, oh my God, I can't believe you got out of the moment again. Just go, oh, interesting. Notice it. This is like my top mindfulness tip.

Is it any meditation practice or teacher will tell you this? Is it you notice the thought and then you let it go. You watch it like cloud. Oh, look, that's funny. I'm thinking about, you know, her, whatever. I'm thinking about this porn thing I saw. And you're okay. I'm going to go back to right now how her skin feels under my hands. What are the sensations in your body? So, well, mindfulness is tough. You don't have to meditate. Maybe you could just practice in the day-to-day life because I'm going to assume here I I'm gonna take a leap bend that this happens in other parts of your life as well, that your mind wanders.

Um, yes, yeah, that tends to. Right, we all do. I mean, we're so distracted, right? We're talking, we're on our phones, we go back to the moment. So if you can focus on that in your day-to-day also, like, what, if you get tripped up in thoughts that are kind of not serving you,

and you go back to like, you know, where am I, my feet are on the ground? You know, the sky's blue today. I can hear the air conditioning in the background, you know, the heat on my back. And then you'll start to notice like what you are actually feeling in the present moment. And so during sex, I'd say that's,

I'd focus on the senses, but also another thing to do is to focus on your breath. If all of that goes out the window, like all the things I've told you, if you can just go back to your breath and breathing in and out, like, you know, breathing and feel it, like moving through your body, like, uh, and you, that's something you can practice on your own as well, like down to your pelvic floor and then up again, and then breath really can anchor a strength sex and it can also intensify your orgasms. And again, don't be hard on yourself if it takes you like a hundred times drink,

because I've done that during sex. Like I've been with partners, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get distracted and they keep bringing me back, right? Are we bringing each other back? It is a practice. And you know, you're not gonna be perfect at this, but it's a skill, it's a tool.

So. Is this something that someone would probably want to warn a partner about? Like just say, hey, I have a tendency to get lost in my head sometimes. Well, it depends, sometimes it depends you know because she is too listen men are distracted by their performance and sex and women are distracted by their parents like that is just the truth that we're worried about are we doing it right and we act in a manner like a man to get hard on my not gonna get

heart whatever's going to happen so we're all lost or has a certain sex you mean you are so not alone here but this happens to all to all of us. So it's not even like an admission. So it's like saying, guess what? I'm human, my mind wanders. You know, all you can do is my next tip for you is going to be to practice some, like, some, I don't want to scare you away with this word, but tantric work, which is when you're looking

to each other's eyes during sex, or at least you could start during foreplay and start to synchronize your breath together, because then you become truly connected and the energy starts to flow. And so there are things you could do, but I wouldn't start by saying, sorry, my mind wanders,

because she just might not get that and then believe me, her mind wandering too, and then she's gonna start to wander. Her mind's in a wander that your mind is wandering. So you're gonna create a whole other thing. What you could do is say, you know what, during sex and I wanna start practicing breathing, you wanna breathe me during sex.

It's really, I listened to this cool podcast and she says it intensifies orgasms, you wanna breathe together. And it's really hot. It's really intimate and it's really connected. I feel like that would be a better approach than saying my mind wanders. Bring me back. The reason why I do that was because we've actually talked about this. If someone that I've been with for a while, I was like, listen, let's do this together because we were doing the same kind of practices. What do you think? Okay. I'll definitely try that. Okay, cool, Ben. Don't beat yourself up. We it and just a muscle so start practicing it. You got this all right. Thanks for calling. Bye Ben

Thank you. Bye. I hear this all the time my friends say to me or people in the street listed to the show They're like why am I thinking about my to-do list during sex? I can't pick up my drive cleaning right now I can't call my mom back. Why is it popping up? And it's just really like we have these cognitive distractions during sex and when we have them we don't work on them people kind of report having lower sexual satisfaction But just know that it's a completely normal thing our minds never behave and it is a practice of training your mind And so if you're not someone who's gonna sit and not gonna meditate It's a really hard thing to do a great thing that helped me me was that I thought, okay, what do I do every day? I brush my teeth.

So when I'm brushing my teeth, for that two minutes, I have one of those toothbrush timers, I'm going to focus on the toothbrush, what it feels like with the bristles on my teeth, I'm not going to have any other thoughts, what's the taste of the toothpaste, what's the emotion of my hands, and in that one moment, in that two minutes,

I might have to bring myself back to it 50 times, but it gets easier over time. So take a little moment throughout your day and just say, where am I now? Be present and pay attention to everything around you and it'll help you during sex. We have Brian. He's 29 from London and he wants no conceptual compatibility change over time. Hi, Brian. Hello. Hello. So good to talk to you. Tell me what's going on. Tell me about your relationship and where you're at.

Hello, so good to talk to you. Tell me what's going on. How about your relationship and where you're at? So yeah, I was seeing a girl for a few years and the sex was fantastic and the big part of that was that she's a massive squirreter, so I felt like I'd hit the jackpot and that was great. Then we moved into a long distance space for the last 18 months and it was kind of undefined. And in that period I said with some other girls and I think I realized that the squirting wasn't actually what I enjoyed so much anymore mainly because I think it took away the spontaneity. So we always had to arrange the situation to make it suitable. So then when I saw her a few times in that long distance phase,

the sex just really didn't connect very well, and I couldn't perform. And obviously she noticed that as well. So yeah, and then I was in this quite difficult situation where she decided that she was willing to move her entire life for me and was willing to defer the sex part until we're in the same place. Whereas I was worried that my preferences have just changed and we can never overcome that. So I guess my question is, is it possible that we can actually overcome that through communication or am I right to feel a bit negative about it? This is a really good question, Brian.

Thank you so much. I really, because it's like, I don't, so you're 29 years old and it's been long distance. And so before, so this has nothing to do with the squirting. I'm gonna tell you this, I don't think it's about squirting or it's about, you know, anything else, I probably about variety. Like, you've got to go out there and you're having sex with other people. And then you got inside your

head that it was the squirting. So when you were with her, you couldn't perform. Because most of our sexual challenges or just functions and sex come from our mind because you were like, I'm not into that. I'm not into it. And then, sure enough, you have sex, there are new, you know, you can't get hard and stuff like that. So it seems like you just need to kind of, you need some more, maybe you need some more information here. How does that land with you? I think you're probably right because there was a big part of me that felt so when she was, when we were in this undefined long distance thing, I quite liked the idea of being able

to try something different and maybe it was a variety and when I'd go back, it was, yeah, I just wasn't like, I'm still really attracted to this girl, but it wasn't really excited by the idea of it and having to arrange a of takes away from the excitement. Right. Whereas in other situations, it doesn't matter so much. And I really like the spontaneity. Right. So yeah, but perhaps that's true. Yeah, you're looking to like, yeah, and that's listen.

So Brian, that's what we all want. Like this is why sex gets stale in relationships over time. It's because we miss that variety, the spontaneity, the newness. You just nailed it. That's exactly the problem when couples move in together or the challenge is how do we still keep it fresh, exciting, and mix it up? That's something you guys would work on. Yes, she still might be a squirt or a bunch of other things that you could do. You could just like, you know, put the blankets outside, you know, and the living room, if you have sex out there, I think you're probably talking about that it gets wet and you have to kind of take precautions for that.

But if this is the only thing, I feel like this is going to happen in every relationship after a few years, time with someone we're going to get a little bored. And so that's why I always emphasize communicating about it. And I think you have to be honest. Does she know you stuff with other people? Or was it a dumb ass hotel? I think so. She does. Okay, and also understand that it's stressful. She's moving and moving with you. If she moves back, is that the situation? Yeah, so she'd be moving away from her family for me, which kind of feels like a lot of pressure. Yeah. You know, knowing that

it might not work out. I mean, I guess, you know, I've listened to a lot of your podcasts for years. And one of the things you want to say is take sex off the table and try and do something else for a period of time to, to we discover my connection. I guess the real difficulty is that she's not here. So, you know, it would be like a year from now when she actually, we actually have to do that. And so, it makes you really nervous, waiting a year, and then trying to do that.

And then finding out that. I understand. That doesn't work. Yeah, no, I understand. When I say take sex off the table, it's typically for couples who have been together, they're living together, and there's just a lot of challenges around connections. So you discover each other's bodies again, and you make out for a week, and then you give each other massages for another week, then you wait for penetration so you can rediscover

But you guys are already not having sex for for another year right now and you're young You know you're 29 years old and it sounds like you know, there's other things going on So I think that that is a lot of pressure and I'm wondering if you guys could maybe you could just start by having some really honest FaceTime conversations together about your sex life and like be honest because you truly have nothing to lose here And everything to gain by being honest and vulnerable and open about your experiences and uncertainties. I mean, she probably has them as well. And to pretend that everything is great and easy for to pick up and move and leave her family in her life, of course, that's going to make you nervous and concerned for her, like, what if you change your mind and she has to move back. So I feel like

you guys got to have this all on the table and the more you talk about it, the more brutally honest you are about things in a caring way. Of course, I don't mean brutally, I meant like candidly honest. I think the answers will come, but you still have another year. I mean, she doesn't have to buy the plane ticket or start packing up yet.

So I think if it sounds like you're not ready to make the decision yet, that you need to just say the things that you think you can't say. And I get one of those things is, I find it really hard to say I might not like the squirting aspect. I know you said that might not be the issue,

but I feel like when I say that, I'm kind of hurting something. I don't think that's true. I mean, that she can change, right? Right, so okay, so every single time she squirts? Yeah, so I mean, it was amazing, but yeah, it's honestly just through normal, through like normal penetration to sex, she will squirt.

So it's, and the reason why it's challenging now is because it's messy? Yeah, well, I think that's one of the reasons, yeah. It's like, one thing I seem to really like is being able to have sex in wherever I am. Right, you know, I don't always want it to be in the bedroom after we've organized the room, I like to be able to sit on the table. I'm pretty difficult to do that because it's really

messy. Right. Well, that's a real concern. I have to be honest, that is something you probably have to be really gentle with or because she can't really help it if she's squirting. The truth is, I feel like you can though arrange that if you could have towels in every room. like how I feel like you can though arrange that, like if you could have towels in every room, you know? And the truth is, if she's squirre in your sex when in the alleyway after a bar or something, so she's gonna get a little wet. Do you know what I'm saying?

But I don't think this is like a total deal breaker. I don't know. I would just see how the conversations go about your sex life. I mean, she might have parts of it that she doesn't love either, you know? But I would wait for her to bring that wireland thing, I don't like you squirt because she really can't,

she can't help that, you know? So, I begin, I'm gonna argue that I don't think that's really just what it is. And I think if you guys start to unpack your sex life together, there's so much more to it. You haven't even lived in the same place. So you might find that there's some other things that are really get you going that turn you on and it could be just really great fodder for an amazing sex life when she gets here or not, but you're gonna find out.

I would tread lightly on that one, I would, just because I feel like that stuff can be, she can't change it, it's like me saying to a guy where your penis is just small for me, but he can't do anything, so I would just start talking about your sex life and kind of leave the scene when the squirter and the squirting will come up,

but I wouldn't lead with the squirting. And okay, Brian, good luck to you. Okay, good, you're so welcome, Brian. Have a good night, bye. Thank you very much, dude. Bye, thanks, bye, cheers. Thanks, good luck to you. Okay, good, you're so welcome Brian. Have a good night, bye. Thank you very much. Bye, thanks, bye cheers. Thanks, good luck to you. All right, so I think thank you Brian for the call

and I think this brings up this point again that we have to start talking about sex. We have so many fears around actually saying, you know, what we're thinking and we're feeling. And so we got to open up the conversation with our partners and I don't believe there should be secrets, but you do have to be tactful about your approach

with your partner. And I don't mean, you know, he should never talk about the squirting or whatever it is in your relationship that's bothering you. We all have those things that kind of bothers about our partners. And then we decided that's the whole thing. There's one reason.

But I'm here to tell you, there is never one reason why you end a relationship. I mean, again, like I said, let's abuse, you know, or cheating, things you can't get past, but if it's like little things that annoy you, you can usually work past so it's part of a larger issue. But we have to be careful how we approach these issues and never be pressured into commitment or having someone, you know, moving with you if you're not really ready without having these really hard conversations because I promise you all the answers will come when

you're open, honest, and vulnerable about your sex life and about whatever else. Then you're mine with your partner. It worked. People, I promise you all the answers will come when you're open, honest, and vulnerable about your sex life and about whatever else then your mind with your partner. It works. People I promise. Okay, we're going to give a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them. And you know, this is our big time of year. So even if you want to be last minute Valentine's Day shopper, you want to get some goodies for the new year, I think you're going to love them. Check it out. Thanks for supporting them. Thanks for supporting them. We have Heidi. She's 32 from Boulder and she wants to house you in a comfortable with taking the ropes in the bedroom.

Hi Heidi. Hi. Hi. Tell me everything. How are you? Well, yeah. So I'm 32 and I'm honestly kind of new to sex in the first place. I had pretty slow start in my life just due to religious stuff and body image stuff and

kind of fear and thinking sex was bad and all kinds of stuff growing up. But I'm in a great relationship now and my boyfriend's amazing and he's super patient with me. But I know he kind of always wants me to take the lead more and I want you too and I want to explore those realms and I don't know, be more in control of things and whatnot. But I think about the things, but then it comes down to the moment and I kind of like can I can don't know what to do. Right.

I don't know. Back out of things are back down. So I'm just kind of like trying to find some answers. It's a great question. No, honey, I get it. It's not easy. It's not easy just because he told you and even if you think about it, it's step. It's that next step just doing it because the fear that you're gonna look silly Or you're gonna laugh or it's gonna be wrong

You're gonna turn them off and then ultimately he's gonna break up with you and leave you That's like a biggest right. We all worry about that But no, that's gonna happen. So tell me about the things that you think about the give me one star that you think about doing But then you stop yourself because I mean I thought about giving you a blowjob before, and I've tried once, and I kind of like started and then backed out, because I didn't know what I was doing, or but I'm doing it right, or.

Got it. Right, have you let him know this? How long have you guys been together? A one and a half years, right? About a year and a half. And I did. I told him I wanted to try, and I told him he was going to tell me what to do and then I still like

Disgots scared right so what happened? Did you actually start so you started and then you got into your head right you got into your head And I were like oh my god Heidi you don't know what you're doing. You're really bad at this He probably hates it right or whatever the messages are because we all have them So I think that one you could say you could even talk to him him about it. Like I think, you know, when you guys are outside the bedroom and say, I do want to give you a blowjob again, and I get inside my head, and I really want you to like show me what I'm going to do when I might laugh and I get nervous. But if you could like tell me, you know, what you need or show me, you know, what you want me to do, like that would be so helpful. And like, I'm going to stick with it. So take all the fear in the shame out, but I just calling it, because he knows that. He knows that you started and stopped.

So I think that you could just say, babe, show me. Like show me what you like, like you say, and I know I'm gonna laugh and just, if you could tell me, like, what do you think, Heidi, in that moment, what did you need to hear? Maybe if he said to you babe that feels so good, or like, what would have made you stay down there? Like, let's think of perfect scenario,

what would happen? Let's walk through the perfect blood job scenario with your boyfriend. I don't even know, because I think he did start to say that it felt good. And I was like, I was just making that up to make me feel good. Right, I didn't believe him.

Right, exactly. So maybe that's not it. Have you guys ever done any mutual masturbation? Do you masturbate? Yes. But not mutual. Right, because that's kind of a cool thing because then you can see. So guys, you know, we always spend a lot of time focusing on

like oral sex on a woman going down on a woman. But for guys, you know, we're like, oh, it's a penis, but they're all really, if you really get into it, they're kind of specific. With the way they masturbate, like some guys are like, you know, playing with their balls and some guys are using their hands in certain motion. So that could be cool. could be cool if you guys do it together you can see like what he does to bring himself to orgasm like he does he move fast as he moves slow is his hand over his tip is it on his front you know that could be helpful as well so you know kind of what pleases him but I think you got to go back to this blowjob thing so that could be one way to do it it's really interesting because to me that's like I love that because I'm like oh I got it that's how you masturbate

I know exactly your hot spots and what I should that. Because I'm like, oh, I got it. That's how you masturbate. I know exactly your hotspots and what I should touch. When I give you a blowjob or a hand job. So that's one thing. So the other thing would be like, when you're doing it, just tell them, okay, we're going to do this and say, I'm going to stay here and you can even come back up and then go back down. I'm like, what do you want?

Do you like this? You could even walk through steps with them. When you get your mouth down there, say, okay, how is this? Tell me you'll up or down. Maybe you want specific instructions, and he might not even know, but he could be like, okay, maybe that feels good. Keep going, or use your tongue, or use your hand, because here's a thing that blowjumps you, just so you know, it's not all about the mouth. It's about the hands. So you could also start with a hand job, and Loub, to me, that's like a really great way to start that you could put some Loub in your hands and he could show you, put his hand over your hand and show you

how he likes to be touched. And then you could start to just kind of maybe kiss around the tip and then bring your mouth in. I say start with the hand job. Have you ever given a hand job? Yeah. Yeah. So and the hand jobs can be hot because then you can use both hands, you can use Loub. And so here's the thing about getting confidence in the bedroom. It's okay that you think you're like bloomer and we all start at some time, but the more you do things, just like anything in life. The more you do it, I promise you it's gonna get a lot easier.

So I don't want you to just wait another month. I mean, we talked about this today, like when you seeing your boyfriend again. Tonight. Okay, perfect. Would you feel comfortable telling him that we talked? Yeah, he knows. Okay, so say I talk feel comfortable telling them that we talked? Yes, he knows. Okay, so say I talk to Emily and I want to try them because you're never going to let

yourself rise if you don't do them. I think you got to just stick with the blowjob because that's where you take control and say let's work this out together. I want to do it tonight and I want you to show me what you like or you can do the hand job, see what he thinks of that. But I think you need his guidance to walk you along so you have the confidence and in my night you might laugh, you might stop again tonight, don't beat yourself up,

but keep working towards one thing, and then build your confidence, and it will come in other areas as well. And it sounds like you've got a great guy who's reassuring, I love that you told him you're calling in. Your way ahead of so many other people who don't even ever talk about sex.

So just keep going with it. Is that helpful? It's really good. Yeah, thank you so much. You're welcome. Good luck. Let me know how it goes. I want to hear about this, this blowjob, the handjob situation, whatever you decide. Let us know. And do it tonight.

Okay? I don't want to know our time to go by. Okay, thanks. Bye, Heidi. It is true, you guys. Practice. It never makes perfect. Perfection is an illusion, but practice will get us over our fears. Once we do something, you will start to gain skill.

You will start to figure out what you're doing in the bedroom. And we all start somewhere. We all have insecurities, but you've got to barrel through them. And if my sex is supposed to be fun, so it's okay if you laugh, it's okay if you stop and start, all of that's fine. There is no perfect way to have sex. The only thing I'm going to tell you is that you've got to keep trying. So when you stop having sex and you let your fear hold you back from doing anything in

life, you are not going to succeed. You're not going to reach your goals, sexual, personal or otherwise. So I want to hear how Heidi kills it with a hand job tonight. Can't wait to hear back from her. We have Stephanie. She's 27 from California. And she wants to know how to watch porn without my boyfriend getting too distracted. Hey, Stephanie.

Hi, how are you? Good. How are you? Tell me what happened. Tell me what's going on. Good. So I have been with my boyfriend for just on the little before Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Tell me what happened. Tell me what's going on. Good. So I have been with my boyfriend for just a little before years next month. And we've always had a healthy, good, sex life, but we're always trying to keep it alive.

And I suggested watching some porn together. So he agreed we thought it would be fun. And then when the time came for it, it just seemed really distracted and not too much focused on me anymore, even though we had already had some four play and like other stuff leading up to it. And I felt like I was kind of having to compete with it. And I just went with a flow. I didn't say anything obviously at the time and I still haven't mentioned it now. This was probably a month ago. I just didn't know how to bring it up without I

didn't want him to feel embarrassed or anything. Okay, yeah. Well, no, I'm glad you called and I love that you're trying new things and I always say in the show that no, I do and it's funny because when I read your email, no, sweetie, I love it because I'm like, oh, I should probably mention It's kind of a rookie move, right? He like probably hadn't done it before He thought it was a great idea and he was like, oh like literally if you've never watched porn and your partner says Let's watch porn you probably think you're gonna watch porn together like he probably doesn't get the nuance of We're gonna watch porn. It's like our entree. It's our appetizer. I mean it's our appetizer. Not our entree It's just kind of warming us up for the meal. So, babe, you know, so I think, I think, and

I'm so glad you called because, yeah, the state in the moment could kind of like ruin you both for trying new things again, or, you know, you feel bad. So I think you can just kind of make a, you know, light conversation when you kind of, kind of like, first of all, besides the fact that you got distracted, before you got distracted, how was the experience for you? Is it something you want to try again? It was great. Yes, I will absolutely.

I would totally do it again. And I'm sure he wants to also. Okay. So I would imagine. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, it seems like it worked. So I would, in a way. So I think when you just got to say to him, babe, we got to talk to him about something like

we watch porn, that was hot. But part of it was just to kind of get us turn on, maybe inspire us for stuff that we could do together. And I felt like I just drafted. I understand that, but it's important to me that you come back to me for intimacy and that we finish up. And then he's gonna be like,

oh, I thought we'd watch it together. We both get off masturbating or whatever, you know? And I've had that as well. I can tell you earlier, when I watch porn, I remember guy, like I kept looking up, but I'm gonna say eyes were kept staring at the TV and then I feel like oh my god I wanted to slap him. Oh, I get it. No, I get it Right, and I think he just probably he just didn't know we got it

And you think like come on how do you not know but I'm telling you sometimes guy people just don't know they don't know the most Have you listened to show you know that we're just we're not Like in the same room, but we're not. I've been the same experience, but I love that you guys have great sex. Otherwise, and he in no way wants, I'm sure he didn't want to hurt you. And he probably felt really bad and just say,

why didn't you know that I got really hot too? And I keep thinking about porn that we could watch together, but that just, I think it would feel better if we watched together and then we, you know, go back to us connecting. And I think you can just say that, not like, this is serious, I'm mad at you, but you could also tell them like it just made me feel

not desired. You know, it just made me feel less desired. So let's do it again, but this time let's do it together. Like let's watch together and then finish up together. And you can even shut it off after a few minutes or 10 minutes. Like if that's fine too, that's the thing I've done as well. So I think that's going to say. And I like the idea that you said about like,

I want it as an app, but I've turned off the on TV. Yeah, just use that, I use that. I think it's like done, done. Yeah, they clear plates away. We're turning off the TV, right, when the on-trae arrives. So I think that you got to say, sweetie, and you got this.

I mean, really? So I was trying to hurt you. He just literally didn't know, and sometimes we got to give him the benefit of the doubt. Okay, awesome, well I have a good dinner. Enjoy your meal. Okay, bye, thanks Stephanie. Thanks so much. Bye. That's a good call you guys. Seriously, I'm all for you guys trying out new things, but really what I love about this is that Stephanie Wasn't like really mad at him and like harboringoring this terrible anger like though she's been thinking about it for a month and she's going to say something in a really calm way and that your partner can listen to and I love that she didn't

assume that he was trying to do it to her or he'd rather be watching porn and as we just don't know. So this is why when things come up you guys you gotta let your partner know because I guarantee if you're in a loving relationship and they do something that offend you most time we're not walking around trying to hurt our partners. There's a lot of reasons why we're not offered on the same side of things

and when you talk about it, it kind of makes things better, I promise. So talk about all those things that are on your mind right now. And I hope this inspires all of you. If there's something that's happened with your sex life or in your relationship and you've been holding onto it, that tonight or this moment,

you're listening to this, today is a day for you to go home and talk to your partner, communicate in a non-threatening way, outside of the bedroom with your tone, should just be not angry and express your feelings, timing is important and so is the location. So make sure it's a good time, you guys are relaxed, you're not in the bedroom and good luck, and talk about it, you guys, it gets better, I promise,

it'll make things so much easier. Okay, everyone. Thanks for listening to the show. That was fun. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our volunteer Shannon Jenny, producer, Lark, and Michael. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Text Ask Emily to 7979-779. 7979.