Sex With Emily - Open Mics And Open Relationships with Tom Goss

Episode Date: December 14, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by musician Tom Goss to talk about opening up relationships and his new album that explains it all. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. The two discuss what it’s like to go from being monogamous and in love with one person, to being polyamorous and in love with 2 people and why cheating doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. Plus, Dr. Emily gives advice on what to do when your partner has a way higher sex drive than you, but won’t initiate, and where’s a guy to finish if you’re not keen on swallowing or spitting during a blowjob. Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemily Follow Tom on all social @tomgossmusic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I find that emotional intimacy is as important if not more important than physical intimacy for me. Okay. And so for me to be physically intimate with a person, I really want to have an emotional connection. And I really want to share that. And that led to falling in love for me with somebody who wasn't my husband. And this record really is about that journey. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on Today's show I'm joined by a musician Tom Goss to talk about opening up relationships and his new album that explains it all.

Plus I'm answering your emails. Topics include what it's like to go from being monogamous and in love with one person to being polyamorous and in love with two people. Why cheating doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship. So your partner has a way higher sex drive than you, but won't initiate. What do you do now? And you're not keen on swallowing or spitting during a blowjob. So where's it got to finish? All this and more, thanks for listening. I Look into his eyes

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that lock our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You're going to love our site, and you can find me on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily across the board. All right, guys. Hope you enjoy the show. I'm so excited to welcome my guest, Tom Goss is here here TomGossMusic.com and at TomGossMusic We'll have all this in our show notes and Tom singer songwriter

Yeah, got a lot going on you're going on tour tomorrow and you stop by to say hello. Yeah, which is awesome Yes, but what I love is your new album that's coming out which assume this what you're playing on tour before it comes out though Yeah, yeah, so it's really nice to get out there Yeah, just test these songs and get people, and I'm gonna sell it on the road. So I hope it who comes to the show, they can buy it. They can buy it a month before anybody else.

Okay, good to see. That's another reason to go. It's called territories, and this is why you see what I love is it. It's written over the course of a year. He has travels with your husband and a new lover. So it tells the story of being in a marriage and then kind of having that it tells the story of being in a marriage and then

kind of having that blossom into another type of arrangement. Yeah. And my husband and I were in a mananguage relationship for 10 years. And you know, it started to be really hard for my husband to, do you really need something different? And it wasn't, you know, it's really easy at this point in time for you, Slated to talk about. Oh, yeah, let me just have this like nice conversation, but obviously didn't go that easily. Well, didn't you cheat on you? Yeah. Well, that's what happened, right?

Yeah. Sorry, you're good though. No, I'm good. I love how blunt you were about that. No, it was like the weirdest. You said it wasn't working from, and I'm like, well, I know that he cheated, and then, but the amazing thing is that he cheated, but then you were able to, I'm sure that was painful. Oh, yeah, I mean, my entire world crumbled.

You know, and I think it's really interesting to me, because we're told you do two things when somebody, when you, when you, in fidelity is in a relationship. You, you break up with the person, you say, fuck you, you never talk to them again, and you burn all their things, right? We've all seen the movie.

Exactly. Yeah, the second, the second thing you do is you forgive them. You make all sorts of altimatums and you put a really tight leash on them and you resent them for the rest of your life, right? These are like your two options, none of which... I mean, there is a third, I mean, well, maybe there's a fourth because we'll get to your sometimes for people they can rebuild trust and they get over, but only if they have intense and tense therapy. Yeah. But we but only if they have intense intense therapy.

But they don't do that. Absolutely. Or the same thing, intense intense therapy. And then, you know, being a little more honest about what my husband was struggling with at the time and he was going through all sorts of his own things. And this is how it was coming out. And I know this is going to sound a little bit like victim-shaming. But part of me was like, why am I not in a relationship where my, my husband and I can have this conversation

openly and it doesn't have to be deceptive. Right. And it could be something that's really open and honest and understand. So, he, so I went into the open relationship, just really supporting him on his journey and really wanting to help him discover what he, he needed. But I also was a complete rock in my entire world was falling apart because everything that I believed in, the foundation of that, my life, my art, everything had kind of just crumbled.

And so I really needed to go on my own journey to figure out what I needed for me because for me it was like whatever I needed to support the relationship of my husband and when that got pulled away, that was left with almost nothing. Well, you say initially then, so you found out of this in discretion and then you're like, okay, well, I get that he has to open it up and then you tried to open it up right away or you just sort of wait it because the reason why let me tell you this, people calling all the time and I think it's sort of a trend right now that people are, it's just sort of, there's more of an interest now.

People are realizing that Madagami isn't for everybody and that open relationships aren't just for sex addicts or crazy people or people it's never going to work because monogamy doesn't work for a lot of people. So you're a journey to that. It wasn't like he, you had this in discretion, you're like, sign me up for polyamory or open relationships. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah.

And you had to, but then you've learned how to, well it's been interesting to me, because I had to figure out who I was as a sexual being. Just initially, I mean, I went from being a virgin, I hadn't even really gone on any date. I thought I was asexual until I was like 23. You did. Yeah, and I was in Catholic seminary.

I was a celibate and then I met my husband and he's really the first person I ever dated. So for me, it was also like, who am I as a sexual being? And that was an opportunity for me to go on my own journey and what it's sex to me, what it's intimacy, what it's relationship to me. And I really had to go through a lot.

And I'm still going through a lot of trying to figure out what that is. Yeah, you're never really done. So how long have you been on this journey? When did this, when did you really get to structure? It's about four years. And it was probably a year of it was, was a lot of me just like breaking, breaking and trying to heal and trying to understand what that meant. And then, you know, even going on a date, we like call them dates, you know, was was was was hard initially first. And there was a lot of, you know,

there was a lot of shame involved, not only for me to myself, but also then my husband towards me, which was like, well, I don't understand what's happening, right? Because we're dealing with all these social constructs of what these things say. Like we're in open relationship, but does that mean that you don't have jealousy or, yeah, you don't have jealousy. You don't have these, these preconceived notions that have been ingrained in us from from every single piece of information We've we've gotten about relationships and society at large for every second of our life And so so there was really a lot of that and and what I found out for myself that yeah

What you find I find that emotional intimacy is as important if not more important than physical intimacy for me. And so for me to be physically intimate with a person, I really wanna have an emotional connection and I really wanna share that. And that led to falling in love for me with somebody who wasn't my husband. And this record really is about that journey. And you really start facing a lot of questions.

I keep talking about the societal constructs for what love is. And when all of a sudden you're in this different relationship, you're realizing like, oh, wait, that's not what's going on. It's like when you come out as gay, you're supposed to be a horrible person and a sinner and all these things and you're like, wait, no, I'm not. If you keep peeling, bag going, wait,

this doesn't serve me, someone told me this. And you were in the priesthood. Mm-hmm, yeah. I mean, that's Someone told me this and you were in the priesthood. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy to me too. You were in the priesthood. And so, of course, you probably thought you were asexual because you're like, not only because of that.

Well, my, also because of the religion being sent to be a priest. And you thought it was such a... It really was about, like, I'm attracted to Chubby Man. Right. So, it was another social contract thing. Like, I didn't know that I could be that, right? Right. I was, I wrestled all through college.

I'm showering with 60 guys every single day. And I'm like, well, I'm not attracted to them, so I'm not gay. I'm not attracted to women, so I'm not straight. But I wasn't like, I should look at this, you know, the second you saw, wait, let me get the straight. So you're up until what age? Probably, uh, 2022, 23, probably 23.

23 and you're walking down the street. And then all of a sudden you see a chubby guy. It wasn't like that I fell in love just like a probably because you emotionally connected because I am emotionally connected and there was a physical attraction to To the chubby guy and then I was like oh Like okay, I'm into your belly. Okay. I'm into like these parts of your body that that is supposed to be gross But for me, I just like oh oh yeah, I want more of that. Right, I love it. You gave yourself permission.

Even though society might be like, that's not how most people love or whatever. You figured it out. Exactly. So then this album, okay, so then you wrote this album because I mean, I would think the best time to create art is when you're going through turmoil and figuring out who you are.

It's a song that's coming out of you. Like, yeah, I mean, this, I mean, it's so right from material. And we would get into these fights sometimes. And some of my newest singles call a Bufordora. And we would get into these fights. And he would say something, it would often be like, the saddest, hardest thing I've ever heard in my life. You know what I mean?

You're talking about your husband. Yeah, when we're in these discussions, or we're in a fight, and I'm not, we're only a fight fight, but I mean, sometimes you're just talking, you're being like, so honest, and you're, you're, You say things that you think you can't say, and then it comes out, and it comes out,

and it comes out, and everybody's open. And you're just like, I would sometimes just be like, say those words in my head over and over and over again, so I could just write them word for word in a song right because I'm like well you can't beat that give me some of the give me some of the words right now Yeah, there's a song called Quebec which is gonna be a single that comes out in November Okay, and the chorus the chorus is we were walking down the street in Quebec City and We were trying to connect but we were just like struggling and he stopped my husband can't

Walk and talk at the same time. He just stops and all of a sudden he's behind me and I'm like, oh, he has something to say. You know what I mean? So he stopped and he just like broke down in the freezing cold and he said, we are not us. There is another us to us. We are not special. We are no longer special. Straight up. That's the chorus of Quebec word for word. That's amazing. He's so powerful. I sounds like it's he

I wouldn't mind that he stopped because for me if someone couldn't walk and talk we'd be done But if he stopped and then something super profound, I'd be like Maybe this can work. Wow, and that was his true. No us right. So have you found that there's also an us in you like if you bought that us back to my perspective Right, that's his perspective so so I Always felt like there was an us. I have always loved him I mean the the reason that I I went on this journey was because I loved him and in some ways I completely sacrificed myself and everything that I believed in the world to help him on his own journey Like if that's not love love I don't know what is exactly that's another song. I want to know that's not your

The other thing is is your husband in the same place that he's looking for emotional intimacy as well or for him Is it more physical because that could also be another thing you guys got I mean, yeah, I think I mean I think we both like emotional intimacy like we're both not like Anonymous type of people, you know, but I think we both like emotional intimacy, like we're both not like anonymous type of people. Right. But I think for me, it's, you know, just to be honest, like I'm better at maintaining relationships from my husband.

My husband wants the emotional connection, but then like people kind of annoy him. Like I want to be alone. You know, whereas that's not really me, I'm kind of like. So how have you guys figured out to work, you're these boundaries together, wanting different things? Because you've been four years in, you said so many conversations at nauseam, right? Like, yeah, almost every day. And yeah, definitely lots of therapy. I mean, I think, well, I'm really grateful for, for the infidelity because it really taught me how

to communicate better. I'm. We're still horrible sometimes. Don't get me wrong. It's a process. We're always learning. It's a process, but I feel like there's things that my husband could say to me, and there's things that I can say to him that we could have never in a million years started to each other before. I want to hear that.

We're talking to Tom Goss right now. TomGossMusic.com, and they can go there and find out your tour and your new album coming out on November 13th. Okay, so what did you find out? Oh, well, that's a really good question. I mean, I mostly just find out about, you find out about the inner workings of people, right? Not only from a sexual standpoint,

but from an emotional standpoint, from a historical standpoint, about how he's perceived his physicality and his sexuality throughout his life. I think part of it, you know, one of the things that I do a lot, obviously, I've already mentioned that are like big men. And I'm well known for talking about that in my art. And I made a song called Bears.

And I made a song called Round and Other Right Places. And I make these videos. I loved your, we were watching your video. We watched your new videos. And then we watched your video with the interactive one. Interactive video? Oh, click. Yeah.

That's brilliant. I'm like, this should have 8 million views. It's true. And okay, we're going to put it on our show notes right now. So people can go to sexathome.com. You've got to check out Tom Goss's click. It's called, yeah, it's called click. It's called, yeah, and you choose your own lovers and skies and girls.

And it's all such a shapes and such. And dating apps should buy this from you too. I agree. Yeah, you're hilarious. And I love it. I love watching you. Okay, so anyway, I'm just plugging your shit and interrupting.

But I can't interrupt you to plug your shit. I appreciate that. And I think part of it, part of the thing that was hard for me initially is that I had spent all this time putting out this energy into the world to uplift men of size and to create art that it shows them in a different light than the rest of society shows them. In that process, I spent that time uplifting my husband and then all of a sudden my husband at almost 50 years old was feeling sexy and

confident for the first time and he wanted to explore that in a way, which he didn't feel like he could before because he had, you know, issues about his body or issues about his size or issues about how people were seeing him. And so it was hard for me because I was like, in a way like, I gave you that confidence and you turned it against me. You know what I mean?

So you before the incident happened, you were building them up in the relationship, making it feel good, I feel like sexy and then you're like, you're in a fair, dude, you've been through a lot. But that's okay, I feel like that's okay. I get it, no, what I'm saying is I'm getting your journey, I'm riding with you here,

like that's another layer, you keep throwing it down. All the stuff you guys went through. But at some point in time, it has to be less about my hurt. Like I can talk about my hurt all day, you want fine, whatever, but what is that accomplished? Like at some point in time, it has to be less about my hurt. Like I can talk about my hurt all day, you want it fine, whatever. But what is that accomplished? Like at some point in time, I need to be empathetic to what he's going through

and his experience in order to be sensitive to that and honest to that. And I can be honest and we can disagree. But as long as we're both being true to our experiences, I think that's the most important thing. And what I love that you said, which I think a lot who you will don't get, is that for many people having an affair, like it's the most, like a lot of us think,

oh God, I'd be done, and all the stuff would be burned on the sidewalk. Is that for a lot of couples, it actually can be just what they need to bring them closer together. It can actually break through to another level that they never experience. If they do the work, they stick with it,

they go into therapy. So now I'm gonna assume that not saying it's perfect, it's always challenging, but that you guys are closer and more intimate. And in so many ways we're closer, I'm not going to say that this not. I don't think it's perfect. Yeah, it's not perfect in these things that still sometimes are hard for me. Which part about the open part being open or which parts are? Because people are so curious about how you navigate How can you see your partner being in love with someone else like people? They're just like there's just no way I don't have to do that

But my husband has to do that and I can't imagine how hard that is because he's not in love with anyone else because he's not in love with anybody else And so I think sometimes You know he's he's in the process of struggling with that and working through that. And when you're both working through things, sometimes it just rubs in the wrong direction. Like nothing that I do. I feel like you guys got in a fight today or something. No.

Okay, good. There's been a lot of like, I thought you were saying like, it's still hard, it's still hard. You didn't know. No, no, look, I'm so happy. I'm very, very lucky. My husband is amazing. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. No, I get it.

I want you to be with him too. I do, I'm not trying to. Yeah, no, I feel like we're in a really super great place. I don't mean to... I'm just a person that only looks at the flaws. I don't know why. Same, are you Jewish? No.

I don't know. I don't know. We're on the Rodic. I mean, I feel like, here's all the bad things that happen today. I think one of the hardest things for me, it took me like a week. I was just going down that spiral of a week of catching the infidelity, realizing the magnitude of the infidelityidelity and then like crying a lot. And then you start doing this thing where you're like, well, he said he loves me. And I'm the one for him. And that a da da da. He said that June, June 22nd, you 2011.

Was that true? Was this trip that I wanted to? Was it started at that? And you start going through this, all these things. And I think the thing that I realized and what really helped me get to the next level is that all of the good things are true. All of the bad things are true. Like everything happened. That all can coexist in the same person. And I think that's why I answer questions like this. Because I think I see the world that way.

I don't see myself that way. For me, I'm like, no, you're horrible. You didn't do that math equation, right. For me, I'm like, no, you're horrible. You didn't do that math equation right. You know what I mean? I got it. I get it. I get it. I do that as well. So what I want to say that is is the two of you right now. So you're dealing with he has to do with you being in love with someone else, but how do you feel about him having sex with others? How does that impact you? You know, it's it's it's it changes a lot. You know, it kind of depends like I kind of, kind of, oftentimes I think it's really fun.

I think it's kind of sexy. And I like the idea of him as a strong, virile man. You know what I mean? And other men are attracted to him. So it could be hot. I don't, you know, we're attracted to different things. So we don't really experience these things together. And that saddens me a little bit.

Because you would all, you don't experience like this. Yeah, our physical types are so varied. Oh, okay, so you can't have like three sums per once. Yeah, yeah, but sometimes we do a couple swaps and it's really so fun. And it's such a wonderful experience, you know, because we're so so physically varying people

Right, I know he's not gonna listen to this and thank you so mad at me for everything that I'm saying Oh, because this is your life you wrote songs. You're so entomcast your your new album is about this. I'm fine with it I'll be okay You've been together a long time, but here's a thing what you have you have an open relationship Yeah, but you have boundaries. Can you tell me what some of those boundaries are? I always talk about boundaries in the show, set boundaries, but we good to hear some real life examples.

Yeah, you know, so for us, the boundaries really were about, you know, obviously it's being safe. Right. We are obviously each other's primary partners, and that means we engage in sex and intimacy in a different level than other people, than we do with other people.

And so we need to be very careful that we are safe with each other and that we always understand that we're not harming other people. A lot of it's about honesty and just telling people what we're doing. We don't really engage when we're together. We both travel a lot. So that kind of makes that piece of it a little easier. That you're traveling. Yeah, or he's traveling around traveling, but when we're together, we're together.

And so I have a lot of friends that I often, that I also am intimate with, and they're also friends with him. And they know when we're together, we're together. Right. If somebody crosses that boundary, you know, then that's like, then I also intimate with, and they're also friends with him. And they know when we're together, we're together. Like if somebody crosses that boundary, if somebody, you know, then that's like, no. Like they need to respect my relationship, and they need to respect that my husband is my husband. And then I close my lover.

Yeah, so it mostly happens when you guys are, one of you is out of town. Yeah, for sure. That makes sense. Yeah. Because I wouldn't want to be like home, not have nothing to do with my partners out. Unless I had planted ahead of time.

Exactly. Because everyone's guessed their own rules, I understand. Everybody has their own rules. And I do think that that would be really hard on me if I was having like a particularly hard day. And then Mike was like, oh, I'm gonna go on a date today. And I'm just like,

I think that's everyone's nightmare. So I think the fact that you explain that boundary like it's when you're out of town or when you're not, I mean, some couples might be able to handle it, but it sounds like you guys are doing well. And it's made great art for you. So Tom Goss, I have to ask you five questions

I ask all of our guests, and then we're gonna tell him where they can find you on your tour. Okay, what's your biggest turn on? Oh my God. Quicky question. I mean, I love round shaped men. You know, so I mean, it could be around faces,

it could be around butt, it could be around belly, it could be around chest, like I, yeah, you should just go to round and see, watch my video, round in all the right places, which I directed, which was essentially like me filming my fantasies. Okay, yes, do that. We can also put that in the show notes right now.

It's sex with L.A. dot com, all your videos. Biggest turn off. I really like nice people, right? And so if you're not nice, it doesn't matter how physically you track the time to you, as soon as you're not nice and you kind of gross, it's like, okay, bye. I feel you, people need to ask holes.

I'm like, I couldn't date an asshole. It's your knees. But he's really hot. It's like, I don't care. Then you're an asshole. I feel you, what makes. I don't care. What makes good sex? Connection.

Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. I think I would cut myself some slack. I think I would cut myself a lot of slack, for sure. I think I'm very hard on myself in general. And I think I worked, you know, when we were monogamous, it was, it was, there was problems there too. And it was really hard for both of us. We spent a, I think I spent

a lot of time worrying about it. And I think that's how our communication got really closed off is we started disengaging because sometimes the connection wasn't perfect. And I think I would tell myself to relax and cut myself some slack and cut myself. And I would tell yourself that now too. For sure. Okay, just because sometimes we forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you're going on tour and it's exciting right now. Yeah.

Number one sex step. I would say learn how to kiss. Yeah. Because if you're not connected from the onset, like for me, you can just forget about it. Okay, that's a good one. Thank you Tom. How can everyone find you?

Tomgossmusic.com or any of the social media is at Tomgoss music. Okay, thanks for being here. Thank you. Good luck, your tour. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back. We're gonna get into your emails.

It's time for emails with Emily. We need a song. We do need a song. We need a jingle, Jamie. A jingle, jingle. A jingle, jingle, Jamie. Okay, Jamie, I am obsessed with answering questions. It's why I exist on the planet.

But if you want a question, answer that on the show, just go to my website, sexwithemily.com. Click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, or email feedback at sexwithamlee.com. But please, please, please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And I also want to tell you that I am on Series XM Radio five days a week, and it's Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM Pacific 8 to 10 East, and I'll tell you more about this a little bit. But if you want to call into the show, write this number down.

You don't really even have to have serious, but you could get a free 30-day trial But just call me Monday through Friday 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific at triple 8 9 4 7 8 2 7 7 and we can have a conversation and I can easily Answer your questions more on that at sectrathamely.com slash S X M. All right, Jamie. Okay. If you want to read the emails, that's awesome. I do indeed. Okay. So this first one comes to us from D who's 62 in Oregon. Dear Dr. Emily, my husband listens to you religiously. He has a strong sex drive and I have very little. He makes many suggestions for things for us to try, buys me things like underwear and toys.

I like the toys he has bought when we use them. My issue is that he will not initiate, and I don't like to. I'm not usually in the mood, so we get in bed if he initiates that helps, but he won't. He has set it up to me, but I wanted to feel spontaneous. Today he asked me what my turn-ons are, and I told him it's when we get into bed and he rolls over and starts kissing me, plus I like the morning better. The only time we have sex is when I say let's go back to bed in the morning. As I write this, I realize that I have been feeling like a freak because I don't want

sex that much and it's my fault that we don't have it more often. I think there's a bigger picture to this issue, but it's all that I'm focused on at the moment. Am I a freak? Hmm. Hey, D.C. There's a few things saying here. First off, I love it.

In writing this email to me you actually had clarity. You're like, oh wait a minute I'm writing this and now I realize maybe you know I'm part of the problem. So I want to say that there's a lot of therapeutic value sometimes in just writing things out. So that's why journaling is important and sometimes if you're in an argument with someone it can help to write them a letter that you're not going to send. So anyway that's one point. Okay, also, you are not a freak at all D.

Here's what I see going on. There's a few things. You're 62 years old. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but hey, our sex drive, our desire definitely takes a dip. You know, women go through menopause, you know, in our 50s, it just starts to feel like it's more of a chore. Now that doesn't mean your sex life is over.

So part of this is you, you know, using some of those toys when he's not home. You know, would I like in masturbation to it? A little bit like working out. We never want to do it or if we're not in the habit of it. And then we, you know, sometimes the hardest part is like getting your shoes on, leaving the house, getting in the car. But once we get to the gym, we're like, okay, I'm ready to go.

So I feel like it's kind of like about that, about your sex drive, that the more you can get, keep yourself turned on, keep your own pilot light lit, the more sex will be tapped in mind, and the more you'd be likely to initiate. So I also get that it's tricky, and I feel like he probably doesn't want to initiate, because he's like, I've been doing this the whole whole time and I want to feel desired as well. So if you really like morning sex, I feel like you could do a few things. You could set your alarm a few minutes earlier and then initiate that way. Like when your alarm goes off, you roll over and you start sex rather than saying let's come back to bed, you know, because then you know what's going to happen.

And what's really happening here is communication, because it sounds like you guys both want to be connecting and it's just not happening. So if you could really say to him in a loving way, when it's not just after none of these frustrating times where no one's initiating, and it's like when you guys are at dinner or on date, and I hanging out, just say, you know what, I really want to bring up this thing

about the frequency of our sex. And who's going to initiate when? And you could explain to him that you really want to feel desired by him, but you understand that he wants that from you and share with him. Well, how about if I set the alarm early in the morning, you can just tell him this. And you can let him know maybe when sex is the best for you besides the mornings, maybe

you guys decide Saturdays, maybe you guys do it the morning once a week and then on the weekends. So, maybe afternoonsacks, you know, it's funny, there was a study came out and now that I read the study, I keep hearing this from a lot of women I know and they're like, God, I just love afternoonsacks. They just love afternoonsacks. So, if you know they're morning, God, I just love afternoon sex. They just love afternoon sex. So if you know they're morning sex, it was something in the middle of the day.

So I feel like knowing this about yourself could mean that you could both figure out, you know, what that looks like. So you said you like the toys. So maybe you leave the toy out as a reminder. Maybe that's your sign like tonight. We're gonna have sex and then remember to use that toy on yourself as well. I mean, you are not a freak at all.

I can tell you that, but I promise you, if you have a healthy conversation with your husband without blaming him, without shaming him, without arguing, and resisting his urge for you to initiate, and you can kind of come to a solution and compromise, which let's be honest, I'm sure that in other areas of your relationship you've had to compromise, and sex isn't really that different.

It's just about everyone picks their favorite roles or, you know, how you guys are going to get to the bottom of this and you make a plan for it. You make a sex plan and what a great time to do it at the end of the year to plan how you guys can both get your needs met. Because I guarantee you, the more interested you get in sex and the more you get your body on board with it, the easier it will be. Thanks for your email, Dee. Right. Okay.

And I like that they both listen now. Me too. I love it. You guys, I'm telling you, it's like free therapy. If you and your partner, if your partner's on into it, like if you think they won't be into it, find part of the podcast that you like or something that you think would interest them rather than just putting on, you know, we have so many shows that they wouldn't know or start. Yeah, they're probably overwhelmed.

So finally, maybe there's an email that really resonated or one of the calls or a guest. And then say, babe, I want you to hear something. And the next time maybe you guys are making dinner or you're in the car, play it for them. Because we hear from couples all the time and it's definitely more and more in the last few years. It couples just listen together and it's an easier way to have the conversation about whatever it is. It sparks topics that you might never have talked about. So just use me.

Use me. Use Jamie. We're cool. We're cool. Alright, so this next one comes to us from Peter who is 28 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, my now ex-Fiancé and I have recently ended our engagement of one year and relationship of eight years. My question is, in the future, when I go back into the world of dating or even hooking

up, how will slash when do I present that to someone that I meet that I'm interested in? I definitely don't want to seem like I'm hiding anything, but I also want to be honest about it. I don't want to scare someone off by saying something too soon if it's not the time of place. Thank you. All right, Peter. This is such an interesting question because my thing is like, gosh, if I was in my 20s, getting someone and I knew that they were engaged, that that would tell me that this is someone who really knows how to be in a relationship

and that they're really like looking for a partner. And so to me, I don't think that that's a thorn or a negative thing. I think it's a badge of honor that you actually could commit. I don't see it as a failure. So I don't think that you need to share it right away. Like, oh my God, before we go further on this first date, let me tell you all about my history. And I was engaged, but it ended in blah, blah, blah. But I think that the natural discussion

that comes up on dates early on is someone says, so what's your dating history like? And then you can tell, well, I was in a serious relationship, we were engaged, but decided that we were just one separate things, and here I am now. Because again, I think it's just the way you present it. And so that's, I wouldn't worry about it. So I think that you just let them know what happens, and I don't think it's a deterrent, or

it's negative, it just shows that a relationship didn't work out, but you're a man who knows how to commit. So, in the final notice, you don't wanna trash your ex. So I think that when someone asks you what goes wrong in a relationship, you know, even if your partner was the worst person on the planet and they cheated on you and they did all these horrible things and still your money or what else could they do?

Drugs or, I don't know. Yeah, they like, fuck your brother. Yeah, yeah. I still think that you have to, just, because this is actually truth, I think that you're ready to get into a relationship when you don't have that anger about your ex, no matter what happened. When even if it was horrific or just, you know,

not great, you can share it in a way where you just say something like, you know what? They were a great person or we had many good years together, but it just didn't work out. And I think that's all you really have to say. And if someone probes you on it, you can say, you know what, we want different values or we want different things. But my point is when you come off like the victim, and you say, oh, my partner, it's all these terrible things to me and they were terrible person.

I just think it does or whatever it is or they whatever it is, or they were awful for me. I just think it doesn't show a lot of maturity. And it also shows that you still are holding a grudge and it just comes off as angry. It does. It really does. And it's true. Like if someone told me, yeah, I was engaged

and you were together for a long time, and it didn't work out, like I would not be like, oh, he was engaged. I'm scared. Like it's, I'd be like, oh, well that's cool. I'm glad you didn't get married and having unhappy lives. Right. Like how great that you knew to end it after eight years. That must have been tough.

That's actually it is courageous. Like you said, yeah, it's like, because most people would have just got married anyways and had a shit life and gone divorce later. Like, well, we already sent them bites out or, right? How do you picked out the ring? She just go through with it. Don't ever just go through it. No, well, we already sent the invites out. Right. I already picked out the ring. She just goes through with it. Don't ever just go through with it. No, don't ever do that.

If you're not sure about anything like marriage or kids, that's when you take a beat. And you get clear. OK. This last one comes to us from Emma, who's 25 in Nebraska. Dear Dr. Emily, when it comes to blow jobs, I feel like I don't want to spit or swallow, because I prefer a guy not to jekily in my mouth at all. I just don't like the taste and I'm afraid to gag. What do

you think is the best solution? I have a small chest so I'm a little self-conscious about having him come on my chest so I'm not sure what the best option is. Thanks for your help. All right, Emma. Okay, so I like this question because I feel like a lot of young women or women in general worry about this like oh my god What do I do but specifically you know spitting or swallowing that here's a thing I think a lot of women go through these barriers where they're like oh I had a bad experience or it tasted You know it might taste bad or it did taste bad or maybe you got once or maybe someone didn't tell you they were gonna Come and they did and so I feel like it's really not as bad as you think

and it might be something that you might want to practice in the future getting over it. And just feeling like, you know what, I'm gonna try to swallow and just, you know, take a gulp and see what happens. But again, you should not be pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Muse, Lube, is a lifesaver for oral.

And it tastes delicious. They come in three flavors. My favorite is the mint chocolate, there's cranberry, lye, salted caramel, and it makes oral sex taste better. And by the way, when you're giving a blowjob, you want it to be as wet as possible and sometimes we just don't produce enough saliva.

So I think if you're using great flavored lube and your mouth is moving up and down, you might feel like you have more of a blocker if you don't like the taste, cause it's gonna be tasting like, you know, salted caramel and then it also be either to swallow or just to spit or just to kind of change your course of action here.

But if you have a small chest, I really don't think that your partner, you know, isn't gonna wanna finish on your chest. Breasts are still breasts, he's still with you and he wants to be with you. So I don't feel like that's a negative. Now I understand, my hunts, Jamie, is that she sees that in porn a lot,

that if someone's coming on a chest, it's like this woman has ample breasts. And it's like semen and the cleavage and rubbing together and it's like, Listen, yeah, and I've never had great cleavage. I can tell you that. I'm a small breasted woman and I think many men have like, do come on my chest and it's not something

that I, or wherever, or I spot. I think all, well, one, all boobs, I think, are beautiful, regardless of size, because there are, there are perks to every size, tit. True. There's obviously big people, it's like, you can tell, like, in shirts, it like helps with like, certain clothing and it looks good and you can like, they's like you can tell, like insurance, it helps with certain clothing and it looks good and you can,

they can titty fuck you, which is an interesting situation in and of itself. I'm just speaking from that experience, Jamie here. Yes. We can't share bras. We cannot. But I'm envious of people, you know, sometimes with smaller boobs too,

because I think that small boobs can be really cute and quirky. They don't sag as much. There's not like the nipple sizes are usually really nice. Yeah, it's true. And I can wear different things, you know? Tank tops. You don't have to wear a bra if you don't choose to. Right, exactly.

Say a lot of money on bra. That's true. There's a whole bunch of things. So I understand, you know, that this is a thing, but I would really try to take what we're saying here to heart because body confidence is a thing, but I would really try to take what we're saying here at a heart because body confidence is a really important task that we all have to work on. Men and women, everyone, what, you know, learning to love our bodies, saying positive affirmations, looking in the mirror, touching your breasts when you're masturbating and figuring

out how, learning to love them is part of your body as well. So whatever not negative connotations you have toward your breasts, I guarantee it's only yours, which is pretty cool because then you get to change it. So you can also ask them, say, hey babe, let me know when you're about to finish. So we can finish in your hand or his hand. He could come on himself. You could put a towel down. So I think there's some work around here. You'll find the right place. Okay, Emma, thanks for that great email. I appreciate your questions. I appreciate all your questions. And thanks everyone for everything, for being supportive of the show,

and for being awesome. If you guys like the show and I hope you do, please next time you're on iTunes or anywhere you listen to the show, you could do it right now. Actually, you could do this right now. Please rate us and give us five stars and leave a comment if you're into it.

That really helps us with the show a lot. So you can also email us with topics or comments and your questions. Feedback at sexwithamily.com. Finally, thank you to my incredible team for another wonderful year here at Sex with Emily, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. at sexwithemlite.com.