Sex With Emily - Open Relationships, Edging, and Bisexuality with Jason Ellis and Nico Tortorella

Episode Date: August 4, 2020

It’s Alternative August at Sex With Emily and that means I’m focusing on all the alternative ways to be in a “relationship.” Whether you’re open, polyamorous, swinging or you just need new ways to approach a relationship in a pandemic, Alt August is here for you. In this podcast I talk to my guests about their open relationships and how they navigate their boundaries, attraction, and transcend jealousy.First, in these interviews from 2017, I talk to actor and model Nico Tororella about his fluid sexuality and the open communication required in his relationships. Then I speak with my friend and colleague at SiriusXM, Australian radio host, professional skateboarder and MMA fighter Jason Ellis about his open relationship and how to put your partner first in a threesome. You’ll be surprised to hear how different Jason and Nico’s boundaries are, even in open relationships. Thinking about making your relationship a little more alternative? Listen to find out which ideas & boundaries feel right for you!For more information about Jason Ellis, visit:TwitterInstagramFor more on Nico Tortorella, visit:TwitterInstagramFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversations around sex. It's alternative August. What does that mean? Well, alternative relationships can mean a lot of things. Essentially, think about anything outside of your traditional monogamous relationships. And you know, we all get to decide what kind of relationship works for us. For some people, love monogamous relationships. And, you know, we all get to decide what kind of relationship

works for us. For some people, love monogamy. It works for you. And for others, I want you to know there's other options available. It could mean having casual sex outside your committed relationship. Maybe it's, you know, bringing in a third or a more partner,

whatever you're into, swinging. Could be occasional threesomes, polyamory. Maybe it's dominant, submissive relationship, exploring biosexuality. We're gonna be exploring that in some of our podcasts and our website, social media, so check all that out. So today's episode, we're going back to two of my

really fun and form of interviews about alternative relationships and sexuality, and so much has changed, even since I recorded these in 2017. Now these interviews are from a few years ago, and it's funny and listening back so much has even changed since then about the conversations around gender and sexuality. So first we have Nico Trotterallet. He's a sexually fluid actor, and he's soon to be appearing on Walking Dead World Beyond, and was on the series Younger. When we recorded this interview, he was with a long-time partner, I believe he still is.

They were openly seeing other people, and he talks about his way of practicing polyamory, monogamy, and we also talk about gender and the spectrum of sexuality, what to look for in the first few months of dating, and wow, I really loved it. One of his favorite things is performing oral sex on a woman. Later in the show, I talked to Jason Ellis,

who has since become a really good friend and a colleague at Sirius XM, and he now is a podcast. And when we recorded this one, Jason was recently married and openly dating men and women. And the interesting thing was he don't recently come out as pansexual, so it was really interesting to hear him opening up. He's got great insights like how to make sure your relationship stays healthy when you bring

another partner. We talk about radical transparency and a relationship, avoiding drama, because hey, you're going to bring another partner. You gotta learn how to navigate around it and set boundaries and rules. What to look for and not look for in group sex, and that marriage just shouldn't be the end of your sex life. He talks about his MMA routines and training and workouts, and also for play. Well, we talk a lot about for play. All right, guys, enjoy the show. So you're jerking off, right? You got some good porn on or something, and you stop right before you're about to come. There's like a quarter of a second that exists in that space.

So about controlling different muscles, right? Right. I don't have time to be in a committed lockdown, living with some relationship where you're compromising things, right? I love relationships. I know, right? They're fun.

But in your brain, you've got to prioritize. Get too giddy. Guys get giddy, and they start slamming into one of them, and they can't use their hands or their mouth, or because their penis is busy, and that's a game that you need to learn quick, and you also need to not come. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions,

bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. I'm very excited to get to my guest right now. I have Nico Tortarella. Tortarella. Tortarella. Tortarella. That's how you say it, right? Nicolas Luigi Tortarella.

Of course. Just as Irish asur, la- That's how you say it, right? Nicolo Luigi Tortorola. Of course. Just as Irish as you can get. Exactly. Oh my god, that's amazing. Okay, so I'd read that you're just inspired by the conversations that you were already having with people in your day-to-day life. Yeah. Or intense.

I was having a lot of conversations about sexuality and gender identity, and that was the focus of the podcast in the beginning. That was like what I was getting into. It's kind of just where my head was circling. As time has gone by, it's definitely shifted a really natural, beautiful shift. It started to shift into this world of spirituality and sense of higher self and next level,

which I think is really based in this idea of figuring out who you are and what you want, right? And if you're taking that step into your own sexuality or your own gender identity, that is inherently a first step in a spiritual exploration of sorts. It's true. It's so interesting because I think the journey to figuring out who we are and what we want is just, I mean, I think you're first of all, you're never done because I think you're always changing.

But you think like, I already know who I am. I know I am. And then you get, hopefully you get to the point in life where you're like, you know what? I think I really don't know. And you think it would be easier because you're like, it's me, but there's always different layers that go back and more always changing. Yeah. So I want to get into your spiritual journey next, but I want to talk about gender and sexuality.

Let's start out with how you identify. Yeah. I am a human being most of the time. I am a cisgender bisexual who explores polyamory. Okay, so I want to have you break down. We were a lot of the terms that we're talking about today because I think it's the wild wild west of gender identity right now. I think it's very confusing to people, including myself sometimes. I'm like, wait, since I got to stop and think, so you're born as a man.

So gender male bisexual. Yeah, bisexual. I didn't say male in there. You didn't, but some people don't want to be identified as either male or female. I mean, there's what, 72 different gender options on Facebook right now. Yes. If you don't want to be identified as either or, there are a plethora of words that you can choose from. Agender, gender nonconforming, gender nonbinary, the list is... And do you know what they do? Do you understand all of them? I don't understand all of them. And as interested as I am in gender identity, I am also not attached the idea of having definition for each gender personally. If I meet somebody and they identify

as Agender, right? And I'm not sure what Agender means. That's okay. Like I want to hear it from the person that actually identifies as, yeah, as an Agender, you know? With men, though as much as your book. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I think it's a pretty even split. I think for, I don't know, the nine years that I was really drinking, there were a lot of relationships with men and women that seemed really foggy to me. I don't think I was treating myself well, so I wasn't treating anyone in my life. Well, I think that I'm a firm believer that you will love other people the same way that you love yourself.

And I wasn't really loving myself that much. And the second I got sober, I started taking my life seriously and like started taking relationship seriously too, right? And kind of. Right, right. To the best of your ability. You gotta, you gotta, you have a mission. You're like doing your art,

you're doing your work, you don't, I don't have time to be in like a committed lockdown, living with some relationship where you're compromising things, right? I love relationships. I know, right, that's fun. They're, they're totally fun.

And I love starting relationships I know, right? They're fun. They're totally fun. And I love starting relationships and falling in love with somebody and getting to know somebody. And I've had... That's the best part we call it the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase. Yeah, I love a honeymoon phase. And I've had a good handful of four or five, six-month relationships that fizzle out.

Yeah. Those are the bad guys. Women and women. I made a career on that. I was like, years, I was like, why can't we just keep doing this? It's like you always could eat the frosting, dessert all the time. Yeah, but like at the end of the day, I've heard a lot of people, you know? Right, right. This is sounds annoying, and I've talked about this before, but I've never been broken

up with. I've never been the one that is like destroyed. I've destroyed myself a couple times in it. Yeah, I've like left this trail and that doesn't feel good. Right. And I think that at the end of the day, I haven't necessarily treated the people in my life as good as I could. Right. But I'm trying to be better. You're learning. And I think that where that might come in is, and I did the same thing I'm telling you, I left so many, I never have been broken up with.

I'm trying to think if I have now. Now it's a little different, because, but back, I'd say I was a serial monogamous, but that would happen, and I would break up with them. I think I was, you know, intimacy issues, there's a lot of different reasons. But also, I think it comes down to communicating early on. Like, this is amazing.

I love this, but I'm seeing other people. But when you're under that spell, the honeymoon, it's amazing. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear your words, but oh my God, this sex is explosive and looking to your eyes. And I can't imagine this is ever going to. But also I have a podcast now, right? When I people can go and listen to all of these stories of different people that I've dated, right?

And that is really something that I'm struggling with these days. Oh yeah, I've been doing this for 12 years. So yeah, I get it. I'm like, oh my god, I've had guys call me back. You went on another date last weekend or? Uh-huh. Yeah, like I got a phone call last week that was like, you know, maybe I shouldn't listen to this podcast. Maybe I should just like really get to know you face to face instead of listening to the podcast. I tell people not guys not to. Like when I've met people recently,

and they're like, oh, we talking the phone, a hard-remeat, they're like, I'm gonna go listen. I'm like, and then I'm afraid if I say please don't, then they're absolutely going to. Well, the thing is, it depends on what episode they're listening to, right? Exactly, they're all different. And when I recorded it, because I'm changing so fast, right?

I'm a different person than I was last week. I know. Exactly. So I may have said some shit a few months ago that I don't necessarily totally stand by right now, but it's out in the world. And they listen to it. And it programs the person that I'm dating. You can just tell that you're art, and that's what you do, and it's like performance art,

and in a way you'd love them to get to know you when I'm on. And that's listen, but they're still gonna do it. Yeah. That's really interesting. Okay, I'm gonna take a quick break. We're gonna give a shout-out to our sponsors. Thank you everyone for supporting our sponsors. I give you a little quick glimpse, Nico,

at some of the prizes you'll be going on with. But you guys, seriously, thanks for supporting them, keeping this show free. We love you all. So where are we? Oh, dating. Right? Yes. It's hard with the podcast.

People always say to me like our guys and intimidate you or people intimidate because of what you're saying or you're the expert. I said, you know what? I could think about all those things or maybe they're just dating me for another reason because they think, I'll teach them something. Oh, who knows? But I think I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of character

and I would know once I met them what their intentions were. And then I realized I'm even taking more time than I would have in the past. Maybe just jumping about with someone, not that I wouldn't do that, but I'm saying, I feel like I'm a better, I can kinda tell their intentions,

but it's like an happened, because it's all out there. Totally. And I'm talking about being polyamorous all over the place right now too. And I think I realized that the people coming into my life either see that in one way or another, I can't imagine that the people coming into my life either see that in one way or another, like, I don't know. I mean, I can't imagine somebody that's coming into my life, like, doesn't

fucking Google me. Well, if you Google you, yeah, okay, so here's our art book right here, right? Let me, you guys, then you guys have a Google right now, because you got to check about it. It's like younger star reveals he's sexually fluid. This is, okay, here's another title. This is what a queer family looks like. Yeah, well, that's, that's, that's a really important one, that one, because Bethany and I are on the cover of the app. Yeah, that's a beautiful piece. We're the first ever male, female couple to ever be on the cover of the app again. Yeah, that's, that's amazing.

But we got a lot of shit for that, come on. From the gay gay community, yeah, yeah. We're two white people who look and pass as a heterosexual couple who are talking about being queer. It's a problem for a lot of people. Right, it is, but I love that you're breaking down all these barriers. I really do. So mostly for you right now, it's not like you're so concerned.

You know, other people, you have to define maybe what you're into to other people, but for you now with relationships, it's really more about being polyamorous. And how would you define like your primary partner, I guess, would be Bethany? Bethany, yeah. For sure. And so we've had sex twice in the last two years. So we're not really sleeping together all the time. So you're more like, what do they call

now single-poly? Or like, poly single when you're single, but you're dating a lot of people. Well, I'm not even dating a lot of people. I'm actually like, or sex, what are you doing? Yeah, no, no, to be honest with you, I'm actually pretty monogamous in my idea of polyamory.

Like, I will. I'll explain that one. Monogamy, polyamory. Okay. I will meet somebody new and I will give like most or all of myself to that new person from the get-go to like really get to know that person. And I think especially on a physical level, I I can't have sex with more than one person

at a time, or I haven't been able to in the past. If I'm sharing with somebody, that is what I'm working on right now. And I'm giving so much of myself to it, there's not actual space to sleep with him on Thursday nights, sleep with her on Friday night. I just can't do it. Because that's a thing about paleoamry. There are a lot of people I know in that world. They're like, yeah, it literally is Monday nights with this person, Thursday night.

This person, that's beautiful. Yeah, I'm so into it. Because it's fine, but for you, it's more like four to six months with this person, four to six months to the next person. But yeah, and if you build the stable groundwork with a new person in your life, and like if you build the stable groundwork with a new person in your life and then you decide to like open it up and start seeing other people,

I think that can be beautiful. But I don't think you can like jump into a new relationship and be like, yeah, we're both gonna sleep with other people for the next couple months and like good luck. I have the same issue. So that's what I've always been kind of considering. I guess I have been, I don't really label it

But paliarm worse than I past it and I guess maybe now I'm dating and sleeping with people So I say there you go now any of you. I was just sleeping But I think that um that it is but when I meet someone I actually like them It is hard for me to be like wait, I can't help I get attached I'm like I think that you do need to build that foundation first and then be like, okay, maybe we should open it up. Because otherwise, then you're just, which is fine as well, you're just sleeping with several different people, but you're not going to go any deeper with somebody. I think if you, that's what's happening. It's harder, at least for me to not have that intimacy. But maybe like that is what I should do, actually. Like, maybe I don't need to get that deep.

I know. Well, yeah, it's such an intensity that you have, right? But, but well, that's what I should do, actually. Like maybe I don't need to get that deep. I know, well, yeah, it's such an intensity that you have, right? But, well, that's what I was gonna ask you. So, right, are you doing it because it helps you feel safer? You like, you know, if you want them to make sure they really like you and get you, you want to feel understood. I want to hold somebody's hand and like have fireworks explode, right? And like, that doesn't happen unless you know that person. Right.

Well, we know them how, like where they grew up, and then their mom's name, or like, like, intimately know that person. Right, okay. So energetically, like, share on a level that I think can only happen when you give yourself totally to that person for a certain amount of time. Right, I understand what you're saying,

but I've also had experiences. And again, this is not for everybody. I can get really close with someone, quickly. I'm not like a bullshit person. So I think I'm pretty much the same wherever I go. Like if you talk to me on this podcast, we met on the street. I'm pretty much, I don't know secrets. You guys know, know everything. I can connect with people. Like really, pretty easily. I can tell. And yeah, I'm like, oh my god. So I feel like I can kind of go there.

A lot of people interpret that as well. This could be something where I'm like, not that I feel with everybody. And it's my, yes. Do people fall in love? Are you really fast? More than you fall in love with them. Yes. Yes.

That's historically is what's happened. Yeah, same to you, right? Yeah, for sure. And that feels good though too, right? It feels great, right? Yes, it feels great until it doesn't, until you feel like you're fucking drowning, right? And what I'm really working on right now is understanding how much love and affection I can actually receive, not necessarily how much love and affection I can give. And I think that's been my struggle recently.

Is it easier for you to give it or to receive it? Well, what we're talking about here. I don't know, anything. Absolutely. No, no, yeah, I think it's much easier for me to give than it is for to receive anything, anything. Right. But you're saying you're not seeing several than it wants.

So this is more like a few months and a few months and a few months and then they're all like, what were you going now? We just mean. But a few weeks and then how do you? You know, and like, you meet the people that are like, yeah, that say they love the same type of way that you do or say that this freedom exists and then you realize it maybe it doesn't.

Right, or they'll say anything to get, like, oh yeah, I want to be polyamorous or I want to be open. Or I'm just jealousy come up for you a lot. I'm the least jealous person you'll ever meet. I have no problem dating somebody and then sleeping with other people. Not at all. Not at all.

Never. But what about the people that are in love with you? Do they get jealous? Yeah. Right. That's the problem, right? They get possessive and jealous. Right.

Like I used to have this thing with men, they'd be like, oh yeah, I love that you're so independent and free. And then eventually, they would say something to the effect of, oh, I love that your sore out there, but I really just want to put you in this box. Let me just put you in my pocket. There's a million different ways I've heard that they want to own it and keep it to the south. So what they're so attracted to in you, they actually just want to own it. Lock it down. What I think it is, I think that you and I both share this like same light, right? And

I think that people are attracted to that light. But once they realize that the light is ours, and it's just there for them to stand in, to not take, we immediately become the asshole. Right, yeah, I guess so. You're right, that is what happens. Well, look how stuff I wear you are. This is happening. I mean, I think this is the next step, right?

Well, it sounds like it. My path. No. You're understanding all this. Yeah, exactly. And then being really honest, I don't think that I was as honest with people earlier. I'm I never felt that monotony made sense to me. Like I was in college and I was like, I'll do it because there was really no other options on the table. But then I always felt like I struggled with it.

Andrew also a woman too. So it's like it's a totally different. Right. Exactly. It is. And so but now I think this is great that you're shedding light on it. It's like people don't have a lot of great role models of what it means to be bisexual and to be open in the world, to be a man who's bisexual. Like people just say, oh, you're just gay. It was funny. I was sent to your Sheel Nevin's podcast. I love Sheel.

I used to be a documentary filmmaker before I was before I did sexual assembly. And I just, I was such a Sheel Nevin fan. Like, she was like the queen. She still is. You're like, I just want Sheila Nevin to meet with her. She ripped me apart. She was so much like, honey, you're not, you're not. You're not bisexual. You're gay. You're gay. Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Like, she was hilarious. So you're really in this place right now. Well, look, I think that at the end of the day, we only believe what we see. And we've seen predominantly one story since the beginning of time, you know,

and it is a white man and a white woman with kids. That's it. That's the only thing we've seen. And now in the last like 50 years, maybe a little bit longer than that, we're seeing all these other stories. And in the last 10, 20 years, now with social media, we're seeing all the stories. And we're starting to believe that more things are real, which is what I love, not possible. I'll turn to relationships, polyamory, like for me, it's all about normalizing the quote unquote abnormal. Right. So let's talk about sex for a bit. Let's talk about sex. How we met being full circle to our panel. I don't know, how was it changed for you? Yeah, sex was like a lot's area once I got sober.

Yeah, right? Yeah, because I mean, I was so used to like going out, getting wasted and bringing somebody home. Right. Not like random people, but like having drunk sex. Yeah, and it just made things easier or a lot harder because you couldn't get it up when you were blacked out. Right.

Exactly. But yeah, sex has become a lot more sacred since my sobriety. I'm really starting this exploration of my own sexuality and acts of sex to better understand how I can reach higher levels of it. Do you mean more energetically using breath? Yeah, having more intense sex, opening my mind to other possibilities of what sex can be and what sex can look like and what sex can feel like. Can you just describe one of those experiences that you've had lately where it was like,

this is a different experience. I want everyone to have expansive sex lives to not be set in the, I know how he gets off, she gets off, that's what we do, we fall asleep. It's like, no, there's so many ways to have sex and to enjoy it in our bodies, have an unlimited capacity for pleasure. And I think we don't even tap into it. Like they say, use 10% of your brain. I don't even think that we understand our sexual capacity

there, like our bodies, what we're capable of. So, yeah. I mean, for men, right, prostate play, I think that that is like something that I'm starting to understand more what that actually means and like how to achieve next level orgasms from prostate play, right? And Ed Jigke. So you're jerking off, right? You got some good porn on or something and you stop right before you're about to come.

Okay? And let it sit for a second. It's hard to stop right before you're about to come. There's like a quarter of a second that exists in that space. And you gotta let it breathe for a second, right? Not touch it, because if you touch it, it's gonna go. And kind of start back against low and get back up to that point and see how many times in a row you can go and do that before you come.

And it's all about controlling different muscles, right? And the longer you wait, the better the orgasm will be. And the more you will come, too. Right. Like, you're just building up this like shot. Right. And it's just, yeah, totally. And just like actual calm itself.

Right. You guys love that. You want to come across the room. So much calm. That was just going to say, and you can do it with other people too. Exactly. Right? It's so fun. Uh're right. Guys love that. I'm going to come to shoot you across the room. So much calm. I was just going to say, and you can do it with other people too. Exactly. It's so fun.

Female edging, that's the thing. Yeah, it kind of is a thing. Yeah, definitely. It is a thing. What do we call it for women? I mean, it's not really edging, but it's more like delaying your, I think it's the same thing of building up your energy. Here's a thing about for women, which it's a more of an advanced practice because I think

a lot of women are just happy when they have an orgasm. It's harder for women, right? It's more elusive. Like one thing happens and disappearing orgasm. But I think it's great to practice like when you're masturbating, when you know you're going to get there and it's the same thing and you stop and then you build it up again, and it's much more explosive, amazing. And then you can start to have full body orgasms. And when you just hold, I know a lot of men who've done that kind of practice where they just actually don't even ejaculate. Right. Just hold onto that. body.

So that's what I was wondering if you were talking about. There's definitely some tantra work in my future. I haven't tapped into it quite yet, but I know that it is something that I will study at some point soon. For me, I'm also like really at a point in my life where I'm understanding what the difference and if there is one really between having sex with a man and a woman and someone in between, right? I think I'm opening myself up more to doing the work on understanding where those differences lie right now.

What would you say are the differences between a sex with a man and a woman? On a basic level, it's just most of the time easier having sex with a woman because you don't prepare everything else. You know what I mean? A vagina, naturally loobs, it's like, it's just, we're good to go. It's smooth sailing for the most part. And it can be that way with a dude, you have to get to that point.

And just energetically, it's totally different, right? Like, granted, there are, there are men that I've slept with that are extremely feminine, right? That is much more like having sex with a woman than it is having sex with a man. There are women that I've slept with that are extremely masculine

that like definitely dominate the entire experience and it's a lot more primal, more like having gay sex. Right. And I've had sex with trans people that just, you know, fuck it all up and you're all confused and what's going on. Yeah, right. It must be. So you've had sex with trans women. Yeah, I have not had sex with a trans man.

Right. I would love to have sex with a trans man at some point. That should not be hard for you to find, right? No, right. But I'm not like, who's that time? You're so busy. But I'm almost like not like being like, oh, hey, trans man, you want to have sex, like I want to fall in love with the trans man at some point.

Really? Yeah. Okay, so you seriously, like, you have these experiences where it's a blank slate. You're not like going through your phone when I get late tonight. Tonight I want to be with a less dominant female. I gauge my, what I'm into based on the porn that I'm watching. Oh, okay, what porn are you watching? Well, I mean, I watch everything. The last porn that I'm watching. Oh, okay. What porn are you watching now?

Well, I mean, I watch everything. The last couple days, I've been watching Straight porn. Straight porn, okay. Yes, but I mean, I've watched every type of porn that exists. Do you always watch porn when you masturbate? Not always. Right. Yeah.

So you go on and ask, I've got it. So you're at a straight thing, so then it's in your mind. Right. So the porn is dictating your sexual behavior. In my head. Okay. It's not necessarily dictating the type of sex that I'm having. But I know that if I'm dating a dude and I'm all of a sudden start watching straight porn, something's going on.

Right. I'm wondering as you're in these places with people, there must be something else that goes on because you're saying you don't do any overlap. Like I could very easily see, I'm into this guy, but I just watched him straight porn. And so I want to go have sex with the woman right now, but yet go back to the gay guy then at the week. Not even necessarily gay, but bisexual. Okay, bisexual, sorry.

Yeah, no, I'm already messy. No, I'm saying not so fine. I usually did gay men, not bisexual men, sorry. Right. Well, why not bisexual men? I've dated one bisexual men. Right. Well, why not bisexual men? I've dated one bisexual dude. It was almost like we both knew too much about each other because we were both bisexual. I don't know.

There was something about it that it was like, we have to go spread this message instead of giving it to each other. Wow. Okay. And that could have nothing to do with the fact that we were bisexual. It was just that we were similar people. But I don't know. Yeah, I haven't.

I've only dated one other bisexual dude. Right. Interesting. Yeah. So do you have a type, though, within each one of these? No. Not at all. I mean, kind of.

Okay. Who won't you date? Is there any traits that's like a turn-off for you, let's say? Like physical traits? I hate to do the physical thing. But yeah, I mean, kind of, though,, is there anything that it just, or something that you lean, how about what you lean towards more than not rather than positive and negative? I lean towards men that are like, brony men, like baseball player looking dudes.

And historically, I like the women in my life to be like very much so pocket-sized. Cool. Yeah, baby. Yeah, okay. Love to know that. That's great. So sex, let's talk about sex, baby. So, okay, what about with women in bed, the difference we were talking about, just like the cleanup,

but what about just like for women in like for-play? Like what have you learned about having sex with women? There's a softness about having sex with women that I'm really into. Just even like their skin, right? I am as attracted to like a beautiful, supple, soft skin as I am to like a hairy fucking leg.

And like a soft face and like small lips compared to like a big dude's face with a big fucking beard, I can get down with both. Right, and it really is just where I am. Well, we're at a different life. That's just so fascinating. Is there anything that you've learned about women that I got at you?

There were so many different kinds of women, but if you had to say there's like these certain things about women that is kind of a universal truth, even though we're all different. We're talking sexually or we're talking sexually. Yeah, sexually. I love eating pussy. Awesome. I think all women love that. Yeah, many do.

I believe that many women do and that for women, there's some women who really don't, like, they're super sensitive, like, does, doesn't feel good. But I love that you love it because there's a lot of men who I think they just do it to get some means to an end. No. And they don't love it. I could do it for hours. Wow.

That's amazing. That's a great deal. That's like, that's the ultimate, I think. Yeah. Really. So enjoy talking to Nico. You can find him on Instagram and Twitter and Nico. Torturella.

Stay tuned for my interview with Jason Ellis. I'm here with Renaissance Man, Jason Ellis. He hosts his daily series XM Radio Show. He's got a podcast called Ellis Straunix. He's an MMA fighter, skateboarder, amazing He's got a podcast called Elastronics. He's an MMA fighter, skateboarder, amazing dad, and just an all-around sexy man. I'm so glad he's here today.

Hi, Jason. Hello. So good to see you. How's your relationship? Because we talk a lot about sex. So when I first met you, like a year ago on your podcast, you were with your girlfriend, now your wife. Yeah, not yet.

We're married at August. Because you guys are like an open relationship on your podcast. You're with your girlfriend, now your wife. Yeah, not yet. We're at August. Because you guys are like an open relationship still. Yeah. It doesn't get that crazy because we're allowed to and the novelty is worn off. It's like we could have sex with everybody and everybody wants to have sex with us. Let's do that.

Like we're very stable and we're super open and we have no fear when it kept, like obviously make sure you don't have any diseases or anything But once that's clear we'll do anything with you right and then the next day There's no weird hang up. I don't care like you're coming home with me, and that's the end of it But how did you get to that place? Would you say in the past? You said your relationships weren't as healthy but because we've a lot of questions a lot You will ask us should I be in a relationship?

How does my wife get over jealousy? Or I'm jealous? Or how did you get to this place? You just got to be comfortable with yourself and you got to trust your partner. I mean, when I was younger, it never really worked. If people ask me, should I have a threesome, I would just say, honestly, if I have, because it's a super question, you should be asking me, should I ask yourself? But if you're asking me, I would say no. Because if you're asking, and then there say no, because if you're asking, and then there's a little bit of hesitation,

then you've got drama on your hands. And if you really love the person you're with, do you wanna add drama to it so that you can have an extra pussy in the scene? Because it doesn't solve me, can I? It's not worth it. And it's kind of overrated. So no more about that.

Well, I don't know. Like, so I mean, I've had so many orgies and threesomes and dicks and pussies everywhere. Right. And I'd probably one hand, I'm like, very, I mean, I've had so many orgies and threesomes and dicks and pussyes everywhere. Right. And I'd probably one hand, I can count the ones where I was like, that was amazing. And there was no backlash from it. Right.

The rest of the... You got to be really right heading into these things. Yeah. You get a part of the process you learn from them, you know, each one I guess you learn how to do it better. But you're right, people like, that's like the holy grail because they just want something other than what they have at the moment they want something different. So it also comes with experiment age 25 you couldn't have felt this way because

you wouldn't have had all those orgies and questions. Well I also think you don't you know there comes like a you know wisdom you know when you're 25 you're like maybe maybe that maybe she does like him more than she likes me or you know or you know a girl that I haven't slept with is like I want to have sex with her more than I want to have sex or a girl that I have in slip with. I want to have sex with her more than I want to have sex with the girl that I'm with because I've never had sex with this girl. And then the girl that I'm with is like, wait, you're paying too much attention to her. Do not do this. If the girl's like, you're pumping that girl too much, then you shouldn't be pumping anybody.

Exactly. Because you're looking at it the wrong way. It's like, if somebody's fucking my fiance really good Good, we didn't get into this for him to fuck her poorly. Right like that's such a healthy I did people don't understand that and I was guys With a girl and another girl because they want to have sex with two pussy's and feel like the king of the world And they don't care what they have to do to drag this significant other into this thing And a lot of sad stories are that the girl is okay with it to keep the man and world and they don't care what they have to do to drag this significant other into this thing.

And a lot of sad stories are that the girl is okay with it to keep the man. And that's not the best solution. It's the worst solution. The worst. So what would you tell a guy then? Because yes, now every guy's emailing me now about or calling is 45, but like in their 20s, can you have this wisdom then? Like do you think that you would have known this?

I mean, I'm telling couples all the time,, do you think that you would have known this? I mean, I'm telling couples all the time, way too unsold ground, you don't have a reason to solve your relationship. I'm always, you know, we talked about this on the show, but we're on the same page with this, but I don't know how else they're still going to want to do it. It's almost like you had to go through that.

I can let people make their own mistakes, but I'm telling you now if you love your partner and you're with them and you guys are in a good place, but you just seen if it's spiced things up, that's not the right way to do it. No, no, it's a risky move, say the least. Guys are like, I want to, even girls are their best friend parties, they're like, I, this is why I'm doing it because I can never tell my partner again, they have this idea that

once they get married, that's when they stop experimenting, stop doing all the stuff that's crazy and fun and exciting, but that's not to be that way. It's the opposite. Right. When you get married, I'm going to get wild one more time before I get married and spend the rest of my lame life with you. Like, wait, what? Right. It's like, I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the country will be there with you. I don't know where the when people got married when they were younger. And it was like maybe this is too soon. And when you get married, you are giving up your life. Things have changed now.

You get married when you're older, a little more stable. This is not the end of it for you. This is not the end of the road. This is the beginning, I think, if you're 20 and you're gonna get married, and you're under the impression that this is the only person you're gonna have sex who for the rest of your life and you're 20? you're gonna get married, and you're under the impression that this is the only person you're gonna have sex, hoop for the rest of your life, and you're 20, that's some harsh shit.

I know. I might want to get drunk and have sex with a prostitute too. That sounds like terrifying. I just say people shouldn't get married before 30, at least. I agree. Completely. You don't know yourself, but they don't know if they don't know themselves, and they think they're so in love.

It's the first thing I say, I mean, I'm not sure what to do. I'm like, how old are you? And if it's under 30, it's hard for me not to laugh at them. Right. Do you get these questions? You don't understand a really lever. I'm like, you're 25. You don't even know what really loving anyone is.

Exactly. Yeah. It's a mistake, but you'll have to go through their own things. That's right. They get someone, they learn, and they're like, oh, no. They're hard ways. Sometimes I see the only way you learn. It is.

Well, I love it. You seem like you're in a good place. So you guys are not, can we go back to your sex life for a minute? So we were talking about, I love your sex life. Even if it's right now, you're still there. No, we didn't have sex for maybe two weeks before the fight. We played around a little bit, but no actual. In the end, it was like, maybe we could, in the last two weeks, I was just like, you know what, I'm not gonna actually come.

I'm just gonna hold it off because I just felt super low in sex drive. So that told me, and this could be, I'm not a doctor, I felt like if I'm super low in sex drive, then my testosterone is being tapped to the max. So I'm not gonna lose anything. And then I had this theory that if I get a direction a bunch of times, see some hot shit, look at my girlfriend, it's different angle, get her friends to like take their tops

off, get a boner and then leave and go to the gym, that's building more testosterone. Right. I'm farming more testosterone. So that's what you would do, you'd come to the point of not even close to orgasm, but you just get turned on and then you go to the gym. Yep. Ah, it's a cap and a cup of coffee with better in a way. It's something like that.

I just can't add it. I get it. Okay, I want to talk to you about masturbation real quick because it's masturbation month and we had a bunch of questions that came in. So here's the thing. Okay, so everyone, Jason is talking about he just came in. He's been knocked out. He won a huge fight this week last weekend just so we didn't.

What was the name of your fight? It was a king of the cage fight. Okay. It's like, it's huge. And it was like, you got knocked What was the name of your fight? It was a King of the Cage fight. Okay. It's like a, it's a... It was huge. And it was like, you got knocked out at the beginning, you came back with a... I didn't get knocked out, I got...

I don't see anything else. Talk about it because it's like a chick, talk about sports, I suck at it. But you just did something awesome. And you came back. Yeah. Okay. So, how are you for that?

Thank you. But masturbation, so, went think back before the fight, before the training. How often do you best rate? Well, I masturbate in the steam room all the time because guys try to jerk me off or whatever, so there's that kind of thing that happens. But I don't finish myself off.

I don't really want to say the actual steam. I've got it, right? Okay, you're right, because a lot of, well, maybe we'll get a lot more blow jobs. I get a lot of blow jobs. You do? And you just don't even know what? I'm the hottest person in.

It's like being a pretty girl. I know what it's like kind of to be an attractive lady. Right, right. Because when I go there, everybody shits a brick and I'm like, this is fucking crazy. It's kind of great. How can anybody, you know what I mean? I'm a chewed up man. It's kind of weird.

It's a real walk around there. I have a very straight large penis. Well, that too, but I have a straight and a man cut and that seems to be a thing that gay guys love as well. There's like a I have all the things that a gay guy's really into being straight. They love that. Having a big dick. It's uncut.

All those things and I look bar forgot a lot of tattoos. I look like a war warrior of sorts. Gay guys love that shit. Love it. So there's just a constant like they like I get like a little herm of gay guys love that shit. Love it. So there's just a constant like they, like I get like a little herm of gay guys following me into different steam rooms like trying to jerk off in front of me and stuff. And I'm just, I am like a stuck out pretty lady. Like I don't touch anybody.

I just sit there and then- And they're like, can I give you a, right? And then I'll like maybe let somebody jerk me off or maybe blow me if you're lucky. Like a, like a stuck out little bitch. Oh my god. And this was not you a year ago. No, I mean it might have been just didn't tell anybody. Okay, right, but now you've come out, you got so, I mean, this is like the whole,

what an amazing transformation. I'm allowed to. I know this story, this story gets told to my fiance when I get home from it. So this is, this is, no. See, this is what we're saying is you shouldn't get married to someone that you can't share all these stories with.

It's like, well, I couldn't, but you can. You really can find someone that would be, I've got to. I haven't really been looking for it, but now it's a longer story about what I want, but I get that this is what I would want. I don't want any secrets. I don't want to cheat. It's hard. I mean, I was squeezed to tell the truth. I felt like, even when she was like, you can tell me anything, guys, like, I don't, not this one. I mean, you got to admit, the story I just told you right then,

I don't think a lot of women find me attractive when I say that. About what the men, okay. I'm like, yeah, saying that, and that's cool. You know what, it's sexy when you say it. I get it, the women might not. You know what I mean. I do, I get it.

But my fiance thinks that it's hot, and we laugh about, we laugh about guys that, I'll be like this guy came in and has a giant dick and just sat in the corner, and she's like, because she loves the Thomas Finland stuff. She's super into the giga, the big bus giga. I said, well, leather chaps and stuff, she's kind of a giga, that's why it works out.

But if there's anybody that's really big in there, I'll tell her the story when I get home and she just thinks that it's the funniest shit ever. And we laugh about it. That's awesome. And she's with women and men. She made out with her, I was making it after my fight, one of my friends, she's in porn, she cut her tongue cut.

So it's like a snake. And I made out with her. That was all I would do. We made out with her. She's got a split tongue. She's so hot. She's got it split. I don't know what that is. She's so open. Her tongue goes like this. But she cut it so hot. She's got it split. I don't know what that is.

She's serpent. A tongue goes like this. But she cut it so, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've kind of heard about this. It's stitched up, so it's permanent like that. And she can make both sides move around. That's fucking crazy.

I know. I'm going to get a blowjob from you. You did or you're going to. I mean, there was people in the room, mostly inappropriate time, but it's coming. I believe that. I believe that you could probably get a blowjob. Which is a pretty good place of people in the room mostly inappropriate time, but it's coming. Okay, I believe that. I believe that you could probably get a blowjob. She said she would.

Which is a pretty good place to be in the world. By a servant. Dude, I don't know anyone else who's done that. It's so metal, right? Yeah, I mean, that's not even now. But you're happy and getting lots of blow jobs, and I'm really happy for you. Thank you, appreciate.

Well, let's go to those questions on the, there was some good, you can help me with that, because I don't have a penis. Hi, Emily, love your show. I enjoy listening and get a lot of helpful tips to make my sex life way better. I got a question. My girlfriend and I really wanna have a threesome and we're talking about it and we're getting really excited.

We've never had a threesome before and I'm going for she comes first, which is the whole thing I was talking about on the show, she has to come first, which makes sex life great. How can I get into three sums without giving one the feeling of being neglected? I want this to be a nice, relaxing time with lots of fun

and no jealousy. What can we do thanks regards George from Germany? We kind of touched on this earlier, but you are the three sum, I think we had a three sum once, you didn't even remember. That's how many of you went. Didn't. Just to say that about it.

Okay, okay, so, but you've had a lot. So this is the kind of questions we could ask. We've been talking about it. We're both kind of excited. I think there's another question here, like another girl says, wife's not so excited, but anyway, let's say they are both,

let's say for the sake of this question, they're both really excited. They're on board. They've covered all the ground. They've set the rules. They've set the, you know, you can't kiss or whatever. Kind of kiss.

I don't know. People make these rules. You can't have sex, I know. Because during the moment, you want to do it all. Three-some. Everyone has males and vaginas and buttholes. Lots of warfaces to the bell. Everyone's going to touch everything.

I got you. Well, the first rule of three-some club is that if you're the person that is the guest in this three-time, and I'm assuming there's a man and a girl here and then another girl, the other girl is lost. She's the girl that doesn't get as much attention as your girl. Your girl gets the most attention. So you need to remember that at all times, and the second one would be, you need to make sure that there isn't a situation where one of them

is sitting there out of the game. You need to make sure that they're both in play at all times. How do you do that? I mean, you've got a penis and a mouth. You know, I mean, so I always put connected to one of them, right? Or they're connected with each other and you're organizing that and you can like tickle there the bits that they have free. You're definitely, it's not about your penis. No, you're the only one that has one. So of course it's going to be about you in the end. By default, but in your brain, you've got to prioritize. You get too giddy, cause you get giddy and they start slamming into one of them and they can't use their hands

or their mouth or because their penis is busy and that's a game that you need to learn quick and you also need to not come. You need to make sure that they come at least once each before you even think about it. I feel like really you need an athletic penis. You need to be like, have you girls had enough orgasms and then the end of the threesome is when you come. Unless you're a guy that can come and then and keep it up, I don't know that guy because usually there's a break there. Right.

So there's a little practice here for man and little nugget. That's a great rules. And also I tell you know, they established rules we had a time meeting or even are we both, are we truly comfortable with this. And some couples say like I don't want her to sleep over or I don't want to have a treat. No, you don't want to sleep in the bed. Yeah, you don't sleep in the bed.

Figure all that stuff out. And then that's a great answer. I agree that you got to prioritize that's how she get jealous. If you're kissing this girl for one second longer, she's going to piss to you. It's a good answer. Okay. Emily, thanks for making a space where sex can be talked about in a way which is

healthy, safe, and fun. I've been musing over whether or not an open relationship is a good or bad decision. My wife and I have been married for a decade, our sex life has definitely started to flatline. My brain, on the other hand, is wired for new experiences. Not necessarily with other people, but new experiments in the bedroom that light my brain on fire. Plus, my sex drive seems to be quadruple hers. I think we've had healthy conversations about this, but she's hesitant to try new things. At one point, she suggests an open relationship, but she retracted. Our situation is causing some tension, and open relationship might release that for both of us,

but I also don't want to treat the symptom and not the deeper problem, which might be a lack of sexual connection with my wife. Two questions. Are there ways to help make an open relationship healthy and more comfortable for her? And are there things we could do better to connect? Sexually things at Denzel 29 Minneapolis. Yeah, he can't push this one. You can't push an open relationship on your partner. She's not on board.

It's like a threesome. Or anal. Or anal. Thank you. Thank you, Jason. You actually can't push any of these things on your partner. You're not going to talk her into it, you'll regret it. She won't really be on board.

So I'm going to answer your, because it's going to go wrong. Have you ever been in situations Jason and your past relationships where you tried to force open relationships they didn't want it or singing it didn't work, right? I've done everything in correctly. That's how I know how to do it. That's why you're the pit of me of health right now. You can't make it a relationship healthy and comfortable for her unless she wants to do it. So you're not gonna convince her,

she's hesitant, she's gone back and forth. You love your wife, you wanna stay together. So I can answer your question, what can we do to better connect sexually because that's where the problem is. Going out, having to read some open relationship, that's not gonna heal your relationship, that's not gonna feel better.

You're gonna go have sex people and I'm telling you, it will not, and your wife probably won't because she's not feeling like she's having sex right now, it's not going to feel better, you're going to go have sex people, and I'm telling you, it will not, and your wife probably won't, because she's not feeling like she's having sex right now, it's not going to work. But to connect sexually, you've got to just start to, first you've got to start talking about it with her, like really, like communicating with her, because really it's about enhancing intimacy. So, if you guys have never talked about sex, and there are so many couples who just don't

know how to talk about sex, it's not comfortable for them. We never learn the language know how to talk about sex. It's not comfortable for them We never learn the language how to talk about we think it's like this It should be amazing and when it's not we don't know what to say and then we cheat We won't have a three-step whatever but you have to say like baby. I love you. I love our relationship Let's put that open relationship take that off the table and let's talk about us You know she might not even know what turns around you can go to a sex toy store You can watch porn together You can just talk about some hot sexual moments

you've had together, because I don't know what level your wife is at. So you could even take sex off the table. If you guys are like, I'd be a good idea to do that, actually. Right? And then start like exploring each other again. She's just gonna think that's all you care about and to tell about sex.

You have to talk about everything else about that. You have to be your friend again. Right? Well, a lot of girls say that they're not into sex or are into certain things when it comes to the bedroom because they don't know about it and they'd rather just deny that they were even interested in

in the first place I find. Yeah. But if you get on their good side and then it's sort of like you're doing it together as a team and they're like, well, maybe I would like to initiate some stuff because now you're not going to be ridiculed for attempting to discuss something that in the bedroom though you're usually, you'd be like,

whoa, I didn't know you'd be into that kind of stuff. Like I think girls get weird about that. They don't want to be the first person to bring it up. They don't want you to think that you're freaky in the bedroom because freaky in the bedroom has been related to your slot. Right. They don't want to sound slutty. It's so bad for women because it's like, you can't win. Because then we're like, if we're super slutty,

the people call us slutty, which is so wrong. I mean, and then if you like, you're not can't have any sex at all, and you're prudent, like, there's no end to this. There's no right end for women, except just to like, do you and grow up and make sure that. I feel like being super romantic and all that stuff, but I know that stuff, that was awesome.

Is the only way. Like if you're super understanding, romantic, and you do things that you would never see coming that doesn't involve your dick, then other things like that maybe later on they come later or maybe they don't, but I guarantee you your relationship will be better. Right. I mean, there's something going on after 10 years together. So there's 28, too. It's like, come on.

Oh, it's 29. Oh, yeah, it's 29. So yeah, there's some things that are 10 years together. So, like, 28, too. Like, come on. Oh, yeah, it's 29. So yeah, there's some things that are harboring. You're probably like, she's upset about some things. She doesn't realize it. Who knows what's been happening. So, you guys got to unearth whatever is holding her back from this intimacy. And then, when I say, take sex off the table, what I meant was, also, I like the idea of

the romantic gestures. But, like, say, like, let's just start with the foreplay again. Let's start making out. Let's start doing an exploring to those bodies, the rod and soons again, and build up to like, let's just start with the foreplay again. Let's start making out. Let's start doing exploring to those bodies, the rodent zones again, and build up to like how great it was at the beginning. You can bring that back. Girls really love when you don't just go further pussy. Yes.

They love, I can't believe how long it took me for me to figure this one out, but you can do stuff to them where you kiss them and kiss their neck and like tickle their legs and their feet and stuff. And don't touch their pussy. Don't touch their tits. Don't touch too close to their asshole. Like you could touch their butt, but even that, you get in too close, but you can go every now and then if you go near their belly, which is near their vagina, you back off again.

All those ones go, yeah, I would never never know which makes me feel like a lot of guys Don't it's like yeah, it's like we're making out. Okay. They're making ours getting pretty serious So I should probably start grabbing you pussy I'm with us for 12 years. I'm like don't go straight for it. So how did you how did you learn this just from I learned? This is cheating, but I learned from a lesbian friend of mine that was super into my girlfriend and would do this stuff. And it was the first time she told me about it, I was insulted. I didn't like that she was telling me what I should do with my girlfriend at the time

that would make me better in the bedroom. I'm like, I know how to fuck my girlfriend. You know, right. I didn't talk about it. But then I started applying it. It turns out she was spot on because guilt's not girls. It's like, guys know how to suck at things. Exactly.

Right. No, we know we want the teasing. And I think that guys, when I say this to them, they, I've said this for a million times. Like, we, the last thing we want is when we're making out for you to go right for it. This still happens with men that I've been with all ages. And I love that you finally learn this. And so it's more like the teasing thing. You realize that

we're talking about arousal. That will build. And in fact, you have to less work in the end because she's so freaking turned on. You want her like being like, I need you. Touch me right now. That's how you get it. You love that you learn this. Hope you like my interview with Jason Ellis. Find them at Wolfmaid on Instagram and Ellismaid on Twitter. So tell me this. Did you hear a tip or a trick or conversation that you just know your friend or family member or colleague which is love?

Well, how about listening with that? Listening with your partner to learn something new. I'm always learning, aren't you? Subscribe to Sex with Emily for more sex, dating, and relationship advice. You can find it on social media. It's at Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com