Sex With Emily - Open Relationships & Open Minds with Pam Costa

Episode Date: May 4, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex and relationship coach, & the founder of Down to There, Pam Costa to talk about how to navigate an an open relationship after being monogamous for so many years. They discuss what it’s really like to go from a long-term monogamous relationship to swinging to becoming a sex coach herself, as well as how you can make jealousy work – because it doesn’t just go away. Plus, Emily gives advice on how to go from gentle to rough in the bedroom without going overboard, and whether or not there’s an age limit on “playing the field.” Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: pjur, Apex, Promescent, SiriusXM, Fleshlight Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more info on Pam, click HERE. For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Sex and Relationship Coach and founder of Down to Their Pam Costa to talk about how to navigate an open relationship after being monogamous for so many years. Topics include, What's it really like to go from a long-term monogamous relationship to taking sex classes, swinging, and so much more? Jealousy. How can you make it work in nominogamy?

Because hey, it doesn't just go away. So your partner wants it rough, but just how rough should you be? And is there such a thing as being too old to play the field? All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that block our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them a bygone Hey, Evelyn you got a boyfriend cuz my man E here He just got his heart broken he thinks you're kind of cute girls got a hairstand Oh my the women know about shrinkage isn't it common?

All right, what do you mean like laundry? It's drink and we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? I'm I'm so So You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexele.com, check out our website. It's awesome. You can also find me Muddy Thew Fard Friday on Series XM Stars, which is awesome. Also, you guys would love this show.

It's five to seven PM Pacific Muddy Thue Friday and Stars 109. And you can also get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemley.com slash SXM. And, ooh, happy masturbation month. I've even celebrating. We've got some great tips for you. Coming in also just so you know, you should be following us

at Sex with Emily, wherever you are on social media, because we're there and we're gonna be doing a lot of great giveaways this month. Here's the giveaway that we're doing specifically. You can email feedback at sexwithemily.com with the subject masturbation routine and tell us how you're gonna switch up your masturbation routine and how you think it will

improve your sex life. All the way till May 31st for a super special prize and you know it's going to be sexy. Alright guys, that's our big giveaway but we're going to be doing a lot of them on our social all month long so be sure to find us. Okay, I hope you enjoy this interview with Pam Costa. I know I did. We have the creator of Down to There and Sex Coach Pam Costa. She's also a dear friend.

We've been through a lot together and I'm so excited to welcome Pam to the show. creator of Down to There and Sex Coach Pam Costa. She's also a dear friend. We've been through a lot together. And I'm so excited to welcome Pam to the show. You can find her at down to there.com and add down to there on all the social media. Okay, Pam, you got your MA. Holistic counseling psychology. So here's a deal with Pam.

Pam had a high tech career. She was an Apple Facebook. Totally like normal looking couple. She's from the Midwest, right? I am. Illinois. I have a Illinois. Her husband, they're a good looking couple too. By the way, it's smart. They both have our exact jobs in their 40s. Yeah. And been together since we were together now. How long? Yeah. Well, 23 years, that's our 20th wedding anniversary next month. Oh my God. I know.

Oh my God, we've come a long way. I know. It's a great relationship. Okay, 20 years, like a lot of you. And a few years ago, Pam was like, maybe it was like five years ago now or six, Pam was like, ah, really? Is this all it's about?

What's going on with sex? I'm gonna pair official gendiply. I don't know if I'm orgasms. I don't know what's happening. Sex should be better. It's a love husband, he's hot, it's great, but what do I do? And Pam started a movement, started down to there, I just started a website where she started talking about like how, what you were going through, and then, you know, when

you guys can all check that out. So essentially they went from a monogamous couple to, to swinging and to opening up their relationship. Yes, yeah, it's been journey that you documented a big transformation and people still think they call in that does it possible? Oh, it's only for crazy people or weird people or nymphomaniacs or that could never work. And I always say, you know, I know a lot of people are really healthy. And I sent them to your episode. If you'd like to hear more that you should pay them was on the episode with our husband a few years ago, we'll give you the name of that one in a second. You can check it out

So Pam is just wonderful and then we went to sex somatic sex therapy school training together And that's how we met and we haven't caught up in a while So I'm excited to hear where you've been going along on your journey But I want to know like just starting from there like what was well, I kind of got it right what was going You were just frustrated sexually tell me what's what me what went on and where you guys are at. Yeah, absolutely. So it's definitely not the person that always understood sex and felt comfortable talking about it.

Or that was not me, because I was in this long-term relationship. And we had desire discrepancy, and we ended up seeing a sex coach. And I learned all sorts of amazing things that I never knew that you talked to your listeners about all the time. And in the process, I actually ended up becoming a sex coach myself. You know, one of the things that I was so cool that as we learned more and felt more fulfilled in our relationship together, it was funny when we were starting to talk about opening up.

There was a personal part of me that was interested in like, okay, I'm teaching all these things to couples and individuals, but some of these I haven't even experienced myself. So there's the professional part and personal part and all wrapped up. And so yeah, we decided, Kashi was almost about three years ago now. Okay. And I did so much research before,ashi was almost about three years ago now. Okay. And I did so much research before

because just like you were saying, I was like, I don't wanna try this unless there's models out there of people doing this. That's very successful, right? If this is just kind of a, I mean, it's always dangerous water to enter into, right? But I wanted to kind of know that there were people out there that they really felt like this was additive

to their relationship versus like destructive to it. So you did the research and then you went out and you guys have successfully been able to navigate those waters. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And so can you talk about like how, I mean, how did that process go? How has that been? What would you say that you've learned now three years in?

How has it impacted your relationship? So there's a lot of really positive ways. I'd say there's this idea that we have in the world, first of all, whether or not you're even going to try Namanagmi or open relationships, I think just the concept that the default choice doesn't need to be marriage, right? That I think we kind of have this marriage contract that says, okay, this is what gives

us safety and security, it's how you do things. And it can become just like a default choice instead of really thinking about, how do I want to construct my relationship? And what would I need to feel safe and secure and also have fun and excitement. And so even before we opened up, the way that the process started, I did a lot of research, and then we actually talked with a therapist about why would we do this, what would it mean for us, what would we be potentially getting out of it, what would the risks be.

And I would say that even if we never took the next step, even having those conversations was super rewarding for us. Like we both talked about fantasies, we've never talked about before, we talked about things that maybe just kind of acknowledging, you know, it's something as silly as like, I mean, we outsource stuff all the time outside of our relationship, right? Like like my husband doesn't like sushi

And so I go how sushi with friends, right? So like even just like kind of acknowledging the fact that oh like we can't be everything to each other Right, like that's not possible with the type of movie we like the type of food. We like Does it need to be possible with emotional fulfillment, with sexual fulfillment? And so even just like cracking the door open to say like, hmm, like how do I feel like that? There's culture and society says this, but what do I really think about it? Like that's honestly where the process started for us.

Right. Yeah, exactly. So it started there and then what was it, was it more like you found out through that process that you both, obviously brought you more closely together so you experienced some more things sexually. So I'm sure it was just, did it go from, how would your sex life prior to that? And then when you first, then when you started going through

this process, how would you say it changed? If you give like a specific example. Yeah, sure. So I'm gonna use like the food analogy, like, you know, when you come together, you're both gonna cook the dishes you know, and you might not ever think to try something else and it's same in student sex.

Like you just do the things you know, but then you like date someone else and they try something new and you're like, oh wow. So sometimes what that means is we bring it back to the relationship like, oh my gosh, I tried this thing, it was amazing. Do you wanna do it together?

This is fun. And then other times it like, oh my gosh, I tried this thing, it was amazing, do you want to do it together? This is fun. And then other times, it's kind of like, oh, I did this thing and I really like it, but I don't like, do you like this? And I'll say, so it's, it's kind of interesting. And you're saying, after you opened it up, that's what you've asked. Oh, okay, yeah, I was thinking more like, I was kind of pre-opened up how would, how you guys get closer together, but that's, you're saying when you opened it up, you're with other people and you're like, this guy did that. And so that's amazing to me. Because the thing is, is that I think that people,

and I know you've done a lot of work, which I'd like to talk about, but they would be thinking, oh, Emily, this is crazy. If my wife came home and told me that this guy went down on her and did some crazy thing, where she saw fireworks coming out of her vagina, then I literally, I'm so jealous I can't handle it. Right. I mean, you guys have done a lot of work.

I put that really like, what has happened to the jealousy? Yeah, I mean, in the first year, I would say we went through a lot of ups and downs. Like the highs are really high, the lows are really low because you are your playing in an arena that you don't, you haven't played them before. We don't have a model in society of how to deal with big feelings around stuff like that. And it was funny because he ended up being a little bit more, like if I would go out and I'd bring home like a sexual story, you know, he would kind of pause and be like, okay, how do I feel about that?

And it was funny because it wasn't the sexual stories that when he brought home, sometimes you would bring home a story like, oh my gosh, we went to the movie theater, and then after the show was over, we ducked into the next theater. And I was like, what? You did not. You know, because I was more threatened by the, like, more of the emotional components.

Or like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, emotional components or the like, like, just like next to each other, right? I'm with you. I just got jealous for you. Right? Yeah, I just had second degree jealous. Yeah, I got it. I know, right? You did.

Your eyebrows kind of raised like, what? I'm like, I literally did her doggy style outside of the movie theater. But what I do, but what I'm so bummed that they snuck in together, they get another popcorn too. Exactly. It's been six hours together watching movies. What the fuck?

Get it on the phone. No, we're getting it too. Right. So here's the thing about jealousy, right? It is never about what's happening outside the relationship. It seems like it is, but it isn't. It's about how that's a reflection of what is or is not happening inside the relationship.

So when he did that, the reason I was like, what the, you know, it was, was that I want more fun in our relationship. Right. And that was an example of fun. Right. Like maybe 20 years ago you guys snuck into a movie theater in college, but he's not just then or we play folk. Right.

Right. So, you know, or if I had this great experience, you know, sexually, like maybe, you know, he wants more varieties, actually. And so, anytime that jealousy shows up, if I can think of that, it more as a great red flag that something is needed inside our relationship and really get curious about what it is that I want in our relationship. Then it actually helps us. It does not have that. It's a learning tool.

You turn that red and flag down. I feel like I'm just trying to green. I don't know. I love it. I don't know. Really, so it's like, they say red flags. What does that mean? Yes, you got it.

So you could be like, so now when that happens, you stop, because really what you're saying is like, you guys didn't have, yeah, you weren't playing enough and so now, does that work now? Does it switch it? Does it not as painful as it actually is? It makes so much sense. Absolutely. That's why I would say like the first year

was the hardest year for us because there was just so much of that, right? It's like, oh, you did, because there were so many firsts. And you get to find out how you react to all these different things. I mean, you can talk about it as much as you want ahead of doing it. And you still are going to miss the things that really throw you off, right? Yeah, and you can't plan for them, right? You cannot plan for them.

You can make as many agreements and all these things to keep you safe. And then there's something silly that is going to totally side swipe you. And to be resource enough in that moment or have enough of a social supporter, have the therapist that can help you like get to the bottom of, wow, that wasn't, it wasn't malicious. It's not anything against your relationship. And it means something about what you need in your relationship, right? Yeah, I think it's a learning tool for sure. Yeah. And then there's other things that you think would be so alarming.

You know, maybe I'd tell the story to someone else and maybe like, oh my god, and I'm like, oh, like that to me was just a relief. Like give me an example. Like, so interesting. So one of the things that we had tried before we opened up was like, we tried all sorts of different things, actually. And one of the things we tried was Shibari. I don't know, you've probably talked about it before.

It's like, just tell him. Yeah, it's like Japanese rope bondage and we had tried a class and it just didn't work for me. I was like, I'm bored. I'm like, this is not. I just got to go out of the Velco handcuffs. Yeah, that's just very strange. I was like, this is just not like I'm going to fall asleep. Right. I wasn't into it, but you know what? He was kind of into it. That's interesting. And so we kind of just let it to bed when we were together in a monogamous relationship,

but when we open up, I was like, oh my gosh, honey, you should go out and find a girlfriend who wants to do that, because then you can do it. And that's so cool. Right. I don't have to. And I feel better about not having to. So sometimes there's things like that that I actually am not interested in doing in our relationship and honestly, it's a huge relief.

Right, you're like, thank God. I mean, it's, well, it's like, you know, can you go home with this family for Christmas right? Right. Can I outsource, you know? Yeah. I always tell you when you're in a set boundary,

you're gonna talk a lot, you see a therapist, I think is amazing, but what are, what type of open relationship do you have? Yeah. Explain some things you've figured out in three years. Yeah, there's so many different, I mean, once you go away from the marriage monogamy thing, it's like choose your own adventure,

you get to define it. And people use all sorts of different terms and they have all sorts of different rules. And yeah, I mean, I like the term open because I feel like it's the most free. Yeah, real thing. Yeah, this week I can be like, oh, like I really, I like the term open because I feel like it's the most free. Like, I can't... Yeah, this week I can be like, oh, like, I really, you know, I want to date a couple or I want to date a guy or a woman or a, like, I want to do whatever.

Like I just feel very free with that term. So we have very limited, like, rules or structures at this point. We've tried a lot of different things and at different points in time, one of us might want more variety or maybe someone wants a longer term relationship. So it's like the secondary partners now. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so he has someone who's been seeing

a couple of years at this point and then other people and I've got. And do you, and then, you know, other people, and I've got... Yeah, I've probably had one that I've been seeing maybe a year. And how, at least so, how does it work? Like, first of all, you've a kid, you've a son. Right, I'm so busy, Emily. Like, I don't really have time for this. Well, it's crazy time, right? How much time do you... How much time do you see... Honestly, I don't know. What's every three months?

Where we've kind of friggin' missed. I wish I, I wish, no, I need it more than that. Okay, once a week, take time. So, yeah, I mean, I'm a mom and I have a job and I, you know, I'm a whole life, and I need time to myself, I'm an introvert, right? So, like, yeah, but for us, like, where we've kind of landed is like, once a week feels good.

Okay, for each of you. For each of you pull multiple partners, you know, you end up saying them once every couple weeks, every six weeks, I mean, it's not a very, it's not like a primary relationship. Exactly. I don't have the bandwidth to maintain. So that means that it limits the type of people who might be willing to date me, right? Because I will be very present with them. I'll be totally emotionally available, physically available. And there won't be a ton of communication between. They'll be a little, because I like it a little bit. But yeah, that's what it looks like for us. Of course, for everybody else, it's completely different to him, right? Right.

No, but that makes so much sense for where you guys are at, that it would be that, and that finding. So how do you go about finding people, finding these partners for yourself? Well, you know, it's the modern age. So there's online data online. It's your place you've found that you're through a website or a thing. Okay, Cupid's nice because you can select non-monogamy. Although I find, I think it's pretty good. I think my husband's experience with that is that the women are pretty good. Guys, I found, as I'm looking through the guy dating pool, non-monogamy is sometimes code for a fair.

So I have to kind of discern, because I'm really looking for people who are openly non-monogamous. So it's very nice for me to feel like everyone's in the know here. Right. Um, so yeah, so okay, keep it's fantastic and real world. I mean, I definitely- I really like to play parties and stuff like that. I do.

I'm just like, hey, I'm at a restaurant and that person looks nice. And then what do you say? Do you like, hey, I'm married, but I'm- I do. Yeah, my profile says it. Um, I say it right up front. I love it. It's just a master communicator right now. You know, what's something happens when you go over 40? You're just like, I say it right up front. I'm just, you know, just a master communicator right now.

You know, when something happens when you go over 40, you're just like, I just, I can't anymore. Like, I'm just gonna be super straight forward and just like lay it out. And if it works for you, then it's a good match. And if not, that's no problem. There's more people. Exactly, let's keep going.

I think that's a great message for anyone though, who feeling this dating thing, whatever you're just looking for one partner or many, is that there's so many people on the planet. So I'm not going to get caught up in the rejection or the weirdness. You know, if someone, if it doesn't work with someone, they ghost you, it doesn't work, it's a bad day. Keep moving.

I was like, you move on, move on, move on. I was so grateful, like one of my very first dates, this guy after the date, he said, you know, that was a great conversation, and I'm just not that attracted to you. And I was like, first, I was like, out. But then second, I was like, oh my God, thank you for just like being honest. Like, I don't have to have any more emotional connection.

I don't have to wonder. And so I have taken like, thank you, random guy. I don't even remember your name. But thank you for for saying it so honestly and so successfully and like I will do that on dates. So do you do that you say I don't feel the chemistry. What do you say? Yeah, I'll I'm not like yeah, oh, it's always a good conversation. People are interesting, right? So it's always a good conversation. But conversation. Sometimes you're're just not you're just bodies not responding and that's fine. You want to say I know what I'm do you say like I'm not attracted to you or I just like to

say I don't feel a connection. I'll say yeah I'm not feeling any chemistry. Yeah chemistry right yeah because but I'm not attracted to Ouch. I know it's hard. I imagine someone's not attracted to you. I'm attracted to everyone's attract to. Speaking of being attracted you're saying women are too. I haven't seen you two years in the whole world changing. I know. So what was that? How has that been negotiating that? Yeah, that was really interesting. What did that kind of thing come about? I do not expect that. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been about to. I have been It was so weird because like that, you know, suddenly I felt attraction for a woman for the first time at work. With a particular woman?

It was. Oh, okay. And so of course, you know me, I immediately go to the research and I'm like, I'm a middle-aged woman. Is this normal? I am middle-aged, okay. Well, maybe like third-aged. I don't know how long we're gonna live, right? Okay, so I'm over 40.

And I'm attracted to a woman for the first time. What is happening? So I go and I look at the research and sure enough Women's sexuality and attraction changes their whole life I'm tired life entire lives. Yeah, so I was like, okay, I'm normal status, right? You know, I felt like okay And you know, I talked to Paul. I said hey, you know, it actually I felt the attraction before we are open And we didn't open because of it, But then once we're open, I said, Hey, like, I'm thinking about this. What do you think? And of course, he was very supportive. Although it was really cute because when, when I did have my first experience

with the woman, because I didn't know, you know, I had this feeling, but I didn't know if I would really enjoy it. Okay. And then I did. And that was probably one of his biggest jealous moments. Really? Because not because he was like worried that he was going to like lose me to this woman, but like the experience I had, he's like, that's the experience I want with a woman. You know, this is kind of like, wow, this is amazing. It was just amazing. It was amazing, Emily.

That's so good. I said only, it was like, literally I felt like this paradigm shift where I had never really understood why guys were so into women. Like when guys are like, oh my god, I want to eat you out or I want to do this thing to you and I'm kind of like really like, I don't know. And then I had this experience with a woman and I was like, oh, I get it. Like women are amazing. Amazing, right?

Yeah, it totally shifted like my entire relationship with my own body. It was crazy. Like, to my shift. Yeah. So how did you make out? How did you know what did you do in that first six? We did.

Well, she was really sweet because she was a friend and I kind of come fast to her over lunch that, hey, like I'm feeling this thing. I've never felt with a woman. And she's bisexual, okay? And so with a woman. And she's like, she's bisexual. And so she was really sweet because she was like, you know, I'm willing to help you figure out how bisexual you are.

So it was like very low state. I kind of had it. Oh my God, it was so hot. It was really amazing. And so yeah, she just, you know, when I went over to her house and I was like, I don't know where this is going to go. And just honestly, it felt really natural. You know, you know, when I went over to her house, and I was like, I don't know where this is gonna go. And just honestly, it felt really natural. You know, you get down there

and you're like, wait, I've felt one of these. Right, because that's the thing. Exactly, that's was my first experience. I remember it's like, I was nervous and the moment I'd done it, but I was like, Oh, like, I know what to do here. Right, I got this. Right?

Yeah. You're just like, oh, I have these body parts, I have these things. So was the part that was amazing, just like it was new, you just, the orgasms, the connection, the, yeah, I mean, just the female body, I think. It was, it's beautiful, it's complex. Like, you know, if there's just,

it's just interesting. And I, it's funny, I read, you know, Girl Sucks 101, if you, by, I'm a man. I do have it. Yeah, so I, like, if's funny, I read, you know, Girl Sex 101, if you buy Alice and Moon. I do have it. Yeah, so I, like, before the date, I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna read this. I'm gonna read it. Girl Sex 101 by Alice and Moon, it's a really good.

And so I was like, really reading. I was like, okay, I gotta get it, because, you know, I'd never done this to anyone before and so I was like, reading it. Man, that's a good book. It really, I really learned some things. Like, there's pictures, drawings, and cartoons, it's great.

They're like, you know, you have it on me. Like, use your and drawings, two of those, it's great. They're like, you know, you have it on me guys on me. Use your whole face, not just your tongue in your lips. Yeah, that's like really important. Like you have a nose and a chin and like all of this stuff that people don't, you know, guys are scruffy. Yeah, but women on women.

No, it's different. It's different. It's often wow. So he was just jealous because jealous and quote, like maybe he really was. Like you had this intense. Yeah. It was one of those unexpected jealousy things.

Yes, see, they just come up. Yeah, they just come up. Wow, but you guys know, how was your sex life one-on-one now? How was it evolved since this whole process? We've learned so much more about ourselves, actually, because we've had more experiences, right? So some of them we've chosen to bring back into our relationship

and be like this, like, I really want this. Well, one of the things that I've discovered is I really like slow. Like slow. Slow in all of the things. It was funny because I used to be like at the beginning, like, going out on all these days. I was like, wow, I'm like a total slut. Like, I would just have sex with like, and then I realized, ooh, I was like, wow, I'm like a total slut. Like, I would just have sex with like,

and then I realized I was like, oh, I like the slow, like draw of it all. And so like essential seduction. Yeah, just like do everything slowly, the way you touch me, the way you take off my clothes, all these things. So like, I really, I learned that through just having a lot of experiences and being like,

oh, that one little thing there was different and I really liked it. So bringing that back in, teaching that to him. I think he learned that he, oh, so funny today I even talk about it. He's very comfortable. He's very comfortable. He listens to the show. He listens to the show.

He listens to the show. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, so I think one of the things he learned that he really liked is like when there feels like a loss of control when it feels like fast and and and so it's like, oh wow, like how do we how do we bridge these two things? I'm discovering I like this and he's discovering likes that. So yeah, it's like lots of control like you being more dominant and no not not in a dominant submission way and I'll like Like free to like, like, free to, like just like, you know, for me, it's like the slow attunement.

He's like, oh my gosh, just let's animalistic or something like that. I've got lots of different kinds of stuff. I'm so different. So different. So yeah, I, but again, you get to play with it though too. He could play with it.

He could slow it up, then it's animal, then you just slow it. I just love the whole thing of sex being, not being so linear anyway. Exactly. Exactly. It's a play together. Exactly. Oh and when you I mean I heard I hear this from a lot of couples when they first open up that their sex life like overnight gets really hot because like this claim you had is now like I just just I sharing, I love the concept of sharing. It's like the coolest form of like sharing economy ever. Really, truly, but you guys can share it in fuels and you feel it's a relationship. I mean, I'm sure it's not even recognizable to how it was a few years ago.

So, Pam, so Tommy, we dropped you down to your coaching. Down to there is your website. Yeah. What else you're doing group that you find it all down to there is your website. Yeah, what else you're doing group, they can find it all down to there. What else do you find to do? Yeah, so what can we do with you? So my work one-on-one with with couples primarily,

but the other thing I do, which I'm super excited about, is I host online conversations for women. Oh, okay. So twice a month, I get women online together. I introduce a topic like masturbation. How did you learn about it? I'll share how I learned about it, how I do it. And then I click a little button, and they go into groups of like three or four women,

and they get a chance to share. Oh, that's really cool. It's so incredible. Like after the last one, I always ask them, and like, how was this for you? What do you feel? And this one woman, she had this great comment. She said, I feel so much more relaxed about being confused. Oh, right.

Yeah, no, that's the thing. It's like people just want to know they've normal. I'm like, we all need to just talk about it more. And talk to your friends, be that person. Yeah, so it's on my website. So keep building up. Yeah, down to there. That's awesome.

I'm so glad you're doing that. That's awesome. You're doing such a great thing. Thank you, Pam, for being here. I do have the quicky questions that we ask all of our guests. OK, so we're going to ask you. OK, what's your favorite part about your body? Oh.

I'll go with my vulva. Oh, nice. I'm going to ask you, of course. What's your favorite personality trait in another person? Oh. Presence. How would you do a good one? personality trait in another person. Oh, presence. Hmm. How would you... That's a good one.

How would you describe your sex life in three words? No. Um, tantalizing. Um, confusing. Uh, fun. Okay. What have you not tried sexually yet that you'd like to? Okay. What have you not tried sexually yet that you'd like to?

Oh my gosh, I've tried so much. I know she's literally everything. I'm just, maybe they have no more bucket list. Oh my gosh. I know that there's things. Oh my gosh, I'm trying so many things. I know. Okay.

Well, that's amazing to me. What would you tell your younger self about sex that you didn't know? It gets better. I love it. And number one, how about number one relationship tip? Connect with yourself first. I love it. Okay, thank you, Pam Costa for being here.

This is awesome. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your emails. Alright guys, I love this. Love answering your questions. And if you want a question answered on the show, just go to my website, sexwithendly.com. Click the Asked Emily tab, fill up the short form or just email, feedback at sexwithendly.com. However you you do it to include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, thanks.

Alright, James is going to read the emails. Okay, this first one comes to us from Sophia, who is 37 in Portugal. Hey, Emily, I have two beautiful children, seven and three. The past eight months, I've had anxiety attacks because my son was diagnosed with ADHD and has taken a toll on my sex life with my partner. A few weeks ago, he said he felt hurt that I don't have any sexual desire towards him. I started to research about ways to spice up our sex life,

what I could do to improve and stop being afraid of giving him a blowjob, something that he really likes. So the other night, initiated a blowjob and he was so surprised that he asked me if everything was okay. It was. I kept researching more when I found your show,

so I asked him about his fantasies and that I wanted to spice up our life. He said I should stop reading about those things that we should stick with what we got because even if it's bad it's what we know. I genuinely felt something shred inside me. Please Emily, what should I do? Hearing that I give him bad sex was heartbreaking. Is our intimacy that bad?

I don't know what to do. Said help. Oh. Okay, I got to hear Sophia. Thank you for your question. Sounds like you guys have a lot going on right now in your home and I would just take a few deep breaths because that's a lot to find out your kid,

you know, has ADHD and then it's having an impact on you and believing. When we're anxious, we're having anxiety in any way, shape or form, the last thing we can do is focus on sex. So give yourself a break for a minute and also up at your husband's dealing with some of this as well. So I would just say that you have to kind of pull

back this whole conversation and please don't. I don't think you should take everything that he said as the truth. Maybe he felt sort of threatened by the fact that you were doing research on sex life and feeling like maybe he was inferior to remember when we we've never talked about sector-thr partners. And this goes for men and for women, whoever brings it up, we immediately probably go to, oh, I'm not a great lover. What am I doing wrong? And so he just shut it down.

And then the words he said were hurtful to you. Just like, you know, he was probably feeling threatened by you wanting to go out and fix it. So I would just say that you guys just need to kind of work on your communication around sex because what it sounds to me is like you guys want the same thing. And so really it was just about the change which is scary for both of you. It's scary for anyone in a relationship. When you guys are in a more comfortable place, when you're not under stress, you know,

it sounds like you gave them a blowjob and then he was like, what's wrong? And then you had to talk in the moment, which is why we say, have this talk outside the bedroom when you're not hungry, angry, lonely, tired, halt, remember that? When you are just the two of you, the kids are sleeping and you're relaxing, you can say, listen, you brought up the desire thing and I'm telling you that I also agree it's something that important that we should both work on, you know, we're gonna stay together. Every couple needs to work on it. What I've learned in my research was just that this is totally common what we're going through and that I'd love to find ways that work for both of us to go on exploratory journey to make our

sex life amazing. So what do you say about that? So I just think you need a little repair around some of the things that were said and then a reset and then just kind of, you know, maybe you don't start with the fantasies, but maybe something else could be, well, what's the most memorable time we've had sex? Tell me your top three times and then you can share your top three times and then start from there because maybe he doesn't have fantasies around it. So we just have to find the right language that works with our partner, tread lightly, take baby steps and then you're going to get there. And the most important thing is just not to take in all these things that he said

so personally because what I'm all I'm hearing here is, for my objective point of view, is that you both want to have amazing sex and connected sex and, you know, stay together. So that's my advice for you, Sophia. Keep me posted. Okay, this next one comes to us from Noelle 40, No location given, but it's okay. Okay, well, that's life. Dear Emily, my question is about being enough for my recent lust interest. We have talked about some sexual things like rough play. I'm coming from a relationship where that was not appreciated, so I don't know if I will

be rough enough. She's told me that my touch was a little soft. It set me back and now I've been second-guessing myself. I want to tear her up, just not sure if I won't be rough enough. Help, help, what do I do? Okay, this is great, no, because I've read this and like, ah, you know, I think you just have to literally tell her exactly what you just told me and say, God, when I think about you, I just want to like tear you up. Like, I'm so turn on by you and I want to be rough, but I want to make sure that I'm rough enough for you. I don't want to be too rough, so let's practice this together.

Why don't I try it? I think whenever you're starting power playing a relationship, you're rough in your partner, you're doing something you always need to start a little bit lighter, a little bit softer than you would. So maybe you could say, or, hey, I know you said I was too soft, but that's just the beginning. I want to make it rough. That turns me on too, because see, you both want the same thing. Another case of you guys is a communication issue here. You both want it rough. How great is that? It's just a matter of getting on the same page.

So I think you guys can create it together. You could even say, okay, I'm going to go a little rougher and then you show me how you want me to handle you. You know, it's kind of like, if you make it more fun and light and just be like, yeah, this is exactly what I want to do what you want, I think that will clear it all up. Instead of you being in your head, worrying yourself into a frenzy that you're not enough, you're not enough, she's going to reject you. Oh my God, it happened in the past.

Just be present with her, be honest, and then direct each other so you can have the roughest, hottest sex that you desire. Okay, this next one is from Mike 37 in Illinois. Oh, I like this question. Hey Emily, love your show. My wife recently started liking when I grab her ass and rub her opening over the sheets. So there's a layer of soft sheets

between my hands and her body. I was wondering how I can heighten that even more with different fabrics and so on. And if they sell fabrics for touch like that in sex shops, things in advance. Yeah, I love this question, Mike. I was like, Oh, God, this is so good. Because I'm always encouraging all of you. This is what goes on. So when fabric for women, when you rub the fabric like over her,

I can't tell if it's like over her vulva or over her butt. If you were saying that over her ass, that that's what feels good, whatever opening it is, we have so many nerve endings. And so fabric can feel great, you guys, putting fabric over your vulva, over any part of your body, and then rubbing it, and like, because there's so many nerve endings,

so I think you probably have some fabrics in your home that would do the trick. You know, you could, yeah, the soft sheets feel great, but maybe there's some silk, or some cotton shirts, or some ties, or some, you can play with like different textures and stuff. And then you could also try a vibrator over the fabrics, which is gonna be like a whole other world of sensations.

Cause really what's happening is with all the nerve ratings, getting stimulated, there's more friction like on the clitoris and all the nerve endings. So it's a great way to slow sex down too. I mean, to kind of build a rousal and to build intimacy. There's something about having that barrier between like your hands and the touch and the whatever nerve-riding you're stimulating that feel just amazing and can even bring a lot of people to orgasm.

So, I love that you discover this and I think just play with some things that you have around the home. Mm-hmm, totally work. Okay, this next one is Paulina 37 in Mexico. Hey, Emily, just found your podcast a few weeks ago and I'm enjoying it so much I've learned a lot already. I've always been curious about sex but I've married to a pretty conservative and shy guy who I love for 15 years and I'm finally working up the courage to talk more about sex with

him. I'm happy with our sex life but I want to spice things up. I've been thinking about getting a vibrator so I guess my questions are, should I talk to him about it before I buy it, should I just get it and let him find out, do I need to as approval, is it a good addition to our sex life, or should I get a less scary toy first? And finally, which vibrator do you recommend me since I've never experienced with one? It is overwhelming the amount of options out there. Thank you so much for reading this, and I hope you get to publish that podcast transcript book you talked about. Yeah, me too. Okay. Paulina, this is such a question.

First of all, I think we got to take a few deep breaths. I mean, you're not buying a house without them. You know, it's a vibrator. I'm laughing. I'm laughing because I realize that it is a big thing in relationships. Like 15 years you've been together and you're like, ah, vibrator, what do I do? So I think what I think is, you have two choices. This is my recommendations, either start talking to him and say, you know what? I would listen to this show when I think it'd be really hot to try some toys together.

If there's a local story, you can go to and check things out together, that would be awesome. I don't know the relationship with your partner, so my thing is I would just buy one because this is really for you and you could get a couples one as well. I think a great beginner vibrator is, there's so many and you're right, it is overwhelming.

That's why we try them all so you don't have to. A finger vibe is a really fun couples toy. You could say, look baby, I got this thing for us to play with cause he can put it on his finger and then his finger becomes a vibrator. You put it on your finger because remember vibrations are great for men too. So you look to make it about yourself. It's about both of you. There's a finger vibe that JoPen Pave Liz is a great one. And then I think any kind of like small

literal vibe that's easy to use during intercourse or during like foreplay like the plus one bullet is great or the Wevibe Tango. And then also the the hot octopus has a penis ring which is fun that you can wear during intercourse. It's called the Adam plus. And I think if he isn't all apprehensive, these are way less intimidating. Now if you feel like, you know, you want to talk to him about it first, I think you can start the conversation and just say, hey, I'm really like we've been together 15 years. And I just think like, I want to love the sex we're having.

And I think we could have so much more pleasure together and things we've never experienced. And just kind of start having the conversations. If you've been listening to this show, you know how I recommend it. But I think, I can't believe I'm saying this because I'm an overthinker, but this is over thinking. So I think like what you know your husband, you know what he's going to feel comfortable

with. And I think go in there, look at one. And I think we had a great advice from Coyote who was on the show. And she's been a buyer for Good Vibrations for 20 years. And she said you want to buy something that speaks to you that you're going to want to touch that you're going to feel good about. So I would go look at the ones that I just recommended, go to our website, go to sexelmy.com, click on the shop page and look at them. You're like, what do I want that in my hand? What would that make

me feel if I saw it? I think that's a great way to think about your first vibe. And these are way less intimidating and I think they're going to feel good. So it's a great question. And let me know how it goes. Cool. And then this last one comes to us from Brian's 60 in Texas. Hi, Emily. Been an infrequently center of your podcast for years, but I find myself in a possible, unusual conundrum. I'm 60 years old and lost my wife of over 19 years to suicide very early this year. Oh, I'm sorry, Brian.

I'm fortunate to be able to work from home, but now find myself missing social interactions. I'm not looking for a replacement wife, but would enjoy casually dating women in the area. I created an account on Tinder and have favored several attractive women, all of them younger, but not so much so. I want to start socializing again, however, after a few email exchanges with women, it seems that the possibility of sex with no strings attached may exist. Certainly, the excitement is arousing. Safe sex is a must, but I'm wondering if I may be heading down a path that I may regret in the future. Am I too senior to be playing the field? All right, hey, Brian. Brian, you're six, that you're not too senior for anything, so I would not

worry that you're too senior to be playing the field. First of all, I'm so sorry that you lost your wife to suicide, that it's just tragic, and I can't even imagine that loss. And it was just a few months ago, you're seeing the beginning of the year. So it's only a few months. So my suggestion is to maybe put yourself out there, continue to build your community, or to reach out to people you haven't seen in a while. I mean, the apps are fine for flirting,

and they feel good, and you might meet someone. But I think it's also great to make sure that you are continuing to expand and connect with your community, your social circles, whether it's like friends or religious groups or taking class, if there's something you've been wanting to try, I think that like sometimes meeting people in real life or just even connecting with men and women would feel great for you right now. So that's just my suggestion that I would kind of focus on that.

Your question is, may I be heading on a path that I might regret in the future? And I'm wondering if your regret is, I'm not sure where you think that, even though you feel like it might be too emotional or there, you might want more from it. I'm not sure what the regress are, but here's the other thing about casual sex. So we have to all remember this. And I can't say this enough. It's not for everybody. Like some people just don't have the constitution. They're like, I can't handle it. I'm too connected to this person. I just, I don't want to sleep around. Or something like, yes, I have found it. This is what I like. There's no right answer to this. So sure, you can dabble in it. I wouldn't go on a few dates, see how you feel. But I think, I think no strings attached is kind of

tricky because it's really hard not to get connected to people and not to have emotions and not to have sex get messy and plus with everything else you're dealing with with the loss, I would just tread lightly and and I like I like that you're trying to you know find companionship and I'm just suggesting that you try a bunch of other ways as well rather than just like relying on the apps because that can also be kind of a bummer I'm telling you a lot of us go through the dating apps and we get excited And then there's a let down because the person's not what we thought or we don't hear from them again And it's just a lot of up and down. It's not as smooth sailing as it seems like like even though the person might be strong No strings attached like in your mind. They're still strings. It gets messy And so I don't why you'd have any more ups and downs right now

I just want to take care of yourself. So I'm thinking of Yeah, building some more stability around you as you downs right now. I just want you to take care of yourself. So I'm thinking of building some more stability around you as you heal right now. Thank you for the question, Brian. All right, guys, thanks for all the listeners. Thanks for listening to the show. And I'm supporting the show and telling your friends and writing in and being vulnerable

and sharing your questions and participating. I so appreciate you. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamolique.com.