Sex With Emily - Oral Fixations & Open Relations

Episode Date: December 19, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking calls and helping you breathe some life back into your bedroom. She covers some reasons why you might not be enjoying sex and how to turn it around, ways to navigate opening up your relationship, and what to do when your partner just won’t compromise when it comes to oral. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Apex, Fleshlight, Third Love, Sirius, Adam & Eve Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Check out even more Sex With Emily on SiriusXMStars 109 Mon-Fri 5-7pm PST! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking calls and helping you breathe some life back into your bedroom routine. Topics include reasons why you might not be enjoying sex and how to turn it around. Ways to navigate opening up your relationship. What to do when your partner just won't compromise when it comes to oral and how to revive a on downhill. All this and more, thanks for listening. Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Saks with Emily. We're talking about Saks, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Check out sexwithelmley.com. If you haven't been there lately, you should check it out.

All the things we have there to help you have better sex and relationships. Find us on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. They're everywhere now. Do you guys realize Google Play, IHR radio, Spotify, all the places? What's the newest place? I don't remember. There's a lot of places, you know, you know. And we love when you comment to subscribe, but I choose that's awesome.

And if you haven't heard of the news, I am on SiriusXM Radio, stars channel 109, and I am there weekdays. Monday through Friday, 5pm to 7pm Pacific, and 8 to 10 East. And it's been such an amazing month that we've been on there. I'll be on there for a while now you guys, about two years. Maybe the rest of my life, I love it so much. I'm so excited because I'm reaching so many more of you helping with your sex and relationships.

So check it out if you don't have serious, not to worry. We're never stopping the podcast you guys. We'll always be releasing podcasts and also you can get a free trial on our site if you're interested in that. Find us on our social media at Sex with Emily because we're there and we're doing fun things. And I'm here with Jamie before we get into calls. And we are doing fun things because,

well I guess this is down, but maybe we could save our Kevin method. We talked about this. Oh, I don't wanna get into it now. Just check out the thing People love this oral sex tip. Yeah, you got to go to our Instagram and see the video. Yes, and then you know on Instagram There are highlights So it is in the pleasure section. It's in the pleasure section

But we talked about this term on one of the episodes called the Kevin method for all sex and people are like trying it It's working and freaking out like I wish I had could like We did? Yeah. Gosh, I don't know the name of the Emily method or something. Not that I want to take it from Kevin, but we don't know who that is. Right, the Kevin method as told by Emily.

Exactly, I'm fine. It's not about why you go. It's just because I don't know who the hell Kevin is. But I like the Grafenberg thing, like the G-Spot is named after Grafenberg. And I get he was like a doctor and he found the G spot But he was a dude so the whole thing is confusing to me and I feel like I'd like women naming Things that women have the oral sex element. Okay, anyway, we're gonna get into some sex in the news right now Really this is news to help you and tips to help you enjoy sex more, which is what you know we're all about here and

I love this list because we're all about here. And I love this list because we're thinking about it here. We're like, you know, we often talk on this show about one of the common, most common questions we get asked is about mismatch libidos. Say, another way you want sex more times in your partner does more frequently than your partner does, your partner wants it more than you do. You're used to want it. Now you don't.

All that stuff about, or just not the mood for sex, which happens. Or it's no longer as hot as it was in the beginning. We talk about that a lot. But what's interesting about these things that we're going to go down here and read to you is that reasons you might not be enjoying sex, and I have a feeling that there's going to be many aha moments in here these, because it's not just a head-to-bed day, or I'm not in the mood,

like there's other things in here. So, I wanted to share. Yeah, because sometimes you don't know until someone says it, and then you're like, oh, wait, that sounds. That sounds like me. Exactly. These all sound like me, I'm like, oh. And then you can be more specific

with your partner. You're like, these are the six reasons why I don't have sex. So let's go through these. You're uncomfortable about your past sexual experiences. Maybe you've had trauma in the past. Maybe you are worrying that, you know, your partner is way more experienced than you are, and you're going to not, you don't know what you're doing in bed and so as a result these are gonna make it tough these are gonna make it hard for you to really enjoy sex. How do you get past that? Well if you have a sexual trauma you guys know I've said this and I'm gonna say it on every episode if I have to that if you have sexual trauma it doesn't go away in fact as years go by it could can get worse. It gets deeper,

deeper inside you, but that means it spreads. You've got to nip it in the bud. You've got to go to therapy. You've got to deal with past sexual trauma because unfortunately, it will not evaporate into thin air. So that's what I suggest. And then worrying about your partner's experience, like to me, I know I hear that from a lot of people, a lot of young people out here from all different ages, because people have been married for a long time and they get divorced and they're worried they don't know how to sex. Here's the good news about that.

With every new partner, you have a new, it's a new moment in time, it's a new partner, it's a new sexual experience. So everyone's different from what they want. So if you pay attention, you ask questions, you like learn what each other want, like it doesn't matter what you've done in the past, well, you know, at all.

So I think that's something that people just worry about and just be present, pay attention. And be honest about your, and if you think that, you're like, I'd like to know more of what you want to your partner because I, you know, be honest. I feel like I don't have a lot of experience or sex. So if there's, you know, something we could work on together,

let me know, rather than worrying about it. Yeah, it's like so much better to be up front in that way than pretending, trying to pretend like you know all the things, because then you're also in your head. You're like, I don't know if I'm doing this, right? I'm doing this just to perform. I don't even know if this actually feels good to me. Right, it's a much more authentic, authentic experience

actually if you're really honest about what your concerns are, especially when it comes to the experience thing. Mm-hmm. I think. All right. So, you feel shame or stigma about your sexual needs or wants. This is huge. I think a lot of us sit on things because we feel guilt, we feel shame, that we want more from our partner, whether it's more for play, more kinky stuff we want to open up the relationship, and we just sit on it, just like a trauma.

Like, these things don't go away. If you're not asking for what you want, because you're shameful, and then it's not the relationship you should be in, you got to let life's too short for bad sex. Like, why not have what you want? That's going to keep you from having the relationship you should be in. You got a life's too short for bad sex. Like why not have what you want? That's gonna keep you from having the sex you want. And then I feel like people have these shames and stigmas because no one's talking about it in your life. So you're like, I've never heard my friend talk about this.

So I'm not gonna bring it up and I'm not gonna bring it up to my partner. Exactly. You've never heard it talked about, which has been so interesting on the series show because you guys were doing that 10 hours a week now, which has been amazing. And it's amazing because it's a whole new audience, people who maybe have heard the show, but probably not. And they really have never, a lot of people, like I'm sitting on the stuff, and when you guys are listening, you probably are listening for a while, and maybe you're new, welcome to the show.

But you realize it. Of course we assume that what we think is weird, everything we think is weird, and most of you are calling me going, is it okay that I sometimes have a fantasy or that I want to see my partner have sex with someone out, like people think it's like, I've been carrying this for 25 years and I'm like, and then 15 people call in because it's immediate and say, I've had that too. So just know you guys, if you're not talking about it, it's time to let it out and be free with what you need and ask to talk to part about it in a healthy way. Perhaps you've been given false or sex negative messages about sex or sexuality.

You might have heard things about sex, about, you know, that you should wait for sex or that it's wrong if you have a certain type of sex. It might have been when you're a kid you heard messages or whenever and you think, well, this will make me blank. Flutty out there against my religion and challenge it. I mean, think to yourself, is this, where did I get this message from? Because if this resonates with you, you're like, oh, I have a sex negative thought. Like I believe that asking for what I want in bed is going to make me seem, I don't know,

slutty or what, you know, I think that's what some, some typically women. A lot of women about that. Yeah. Or if I tell my partner that my fantasy, they're going to leave me or if I have a fantasy I'm cheating on my partner. So we have to realize here that you're allowed to as an adult check in and go, oh, this is kind of troubling me.

Where did I get this message from? Does it still serve me? Is it true? Like, the woman I talked about, how I met at a party, who said to me, you know, she asked me, she was like in her 20s and she said to me, I wanna be casually dating right now, but I don't think I can just go out with someone

if I know that I'm not gonna end up with them because of her religion or because, you know what she's like, I'm supposed to wait for sex till marriage and my parents just told me that. She goes, but you're making me realize that that's what my parents believed. That I actually, and she said it was so honest. It was such an authentic moment we had

because she said, you gave me permission. Oh, then she follow up, right? In an email, she did actually follow up with me. I just remembered this on a direct message. Oh. And she said, thank you so much for giving me permission to challenge. I actually realized it was my parents' beliefs and that it wasn't mine. And as an adult, I had never given myself the chance to develop my own opinions about sex and about what was right for me. Yeah, no, I remember that message now. And it's really cool when you have those aha moments, I think, because you kind of realize, too,

you're like, wait a second. Like, I can have my own thought on this, and that's fine. Exactly. And yeah, I mean, I just- I just, that's gonna happen. Yeah, and we carry these messages with us to the privacy of our bedrooms.

Like, we're like, oh, I can't do that because society thinks it's wrong. It's like, society is not here. They're not in your bedroom. Yeah. Unless you're on a webcam or something, they're not in the bedroom with you, which is cool. Yeah. If you're into that, that's cool too, but they're probably not there. It's just you and your own thoughts.

Okay. You're on a medication. This is huge. You guys, that impacts your libido or physical sensations during sex. And in a presence, you guys, I mean, it is what, like two out of five women or one out of five women. I'm not sure with the numbers for men, but there's a whole lot of us on antidepressants.

And if it's an SSRI, and an opponent, it's gonna impact your sex drive. You might, and you might not link it to that. So there's a lot, you guys, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, blood pressure, birth control pill, allergy meds, antidepressants, antanxiety medications, blood pressure, birth control pill, allergy meds, antigestimines, not every medication, but Jesus so many do. So if you're thinking, wow, you know what,

huh, that might have been my meds. Ever since I started them, I don't wanna have sex. So that's when you go in and talk to your doctor. You can say, what else can you do? You're dealing with a medical condition that makes sex painful. If you're having pain during sex, you're automatically going to not want to have sex. A lot of women have pain during sex, and then they normalize it.

They're like, oh, that just have sexes, or I can't really do anything about it. I went to one doctor, and they said it was all in my head. If you're having pain during sex, you don't have to live that way. There's a lot of things. It could be pain, dryness, irritation. There's a lot of things that could cause that. And then if you let it go on for a while, the anticipation of that pain, the clenching you're gonna make,

like your vagina, like that could make it even worse. It's gonna check that. Don't let pain stop you. Another one here, you're not prioritizing your sleep, eating well or exercising regularly. So that's a big one, you guys. And I actually feel like sleep eating and exercise is sort of the solution to so many things.

In fact, to sleep well, you need to eat well and exercise better. You know what I'm saying? It all goes in, but it's true. Our focus, our attention. If you're hungry, moody, your body's trying to tell you that you need more sleep. You guys, I don't think we paid. And sleep has been like a huge, I feel like, it was like six, seven years ago, every book

was about happiness, and now they're all about sleep. Like all the gurus, health, it's like sleep, sleep, sleep. You guys, it's really, really important. Take care of your body. Yeah, this one is specially because I had an X and you would always be like, you never want to have sex anymore. And I'm like, you come over at 2.30 in the morning when I have school at 6.30 in the morning. So I'm tired and I need sleep to function.

I also need like, you know, come over earlier when I'm not tired. I'm like, sleep is important to me. Yeah. Say I'm no sleep negotiations is really big in relationships. I've had that before too. I'm like, if I can't, if I don't get eight hours, I'm not, I need that. And that wasn't always that way, but that's how it is now. And you're just not going to want to have sex.

So, know what you need. I know, and I'm cranky. I am cranky, too. Well, both that way, right? Yeah. I think we're not early morning people. Okay. You're not sure what feels good for you and your body.

I think this is what we talk about on the show. Like, this is my message to the universe that your sexual desire is your preference, your needs, whatever you like, it's gonna differ from person to person. So you have to figure out what you want, what you like, what feels good to you, explore your body, masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. How are, how are, whatever, pay attention

when you're having sex so you know, like, just figure it out. You'll have better sex. Water intake, this has been a big topic too, you guys, if you're skipping on water intake, believe it or not, you guys, you could be dehydrated. If you are dehydrated, it can actually lower your libido and make sex painful, which is kind of crazy to think

about. But headaches, fatigue, irritability, all that stuff can hinder your ability to like actually want to have sex. So your cells need water to remain hydrated. And then if you're not hydrated, you're going to pain. So and the same thing goes for dehydration and erectile dysfunction. If you're having a hard time getting a hard staying hard, you're not happy with your erection, drink some water. If you're just drinking coffee all day, you know a lot of us

just drink a lot of coffee and sugary sodas and we don't drink water. And I put these tablets like I have hydration tablets, I love hydro light just because it makes me drink more water. So whatever I can do to drink it, like you have to. It's always funny to me when I hear someone's like, oh, like I don't really like water. Like I drink it because I have to. I'm like, I love water. I definitely always need to remind myself to drink enough

because you actually do have to drink a lot of water throughout the day. It's like a constant thing and it's annoying to pee that much, but it's good for you. But I love water. Like there's nothing more refreshing to me than like just like ice cold water. No, I feel the same.

When we got a water cooler here, that was huge. Oh my God. I know. The dark days, it's actually that light. I know, it's amazing. So yeah, you guys, and that's the whole thing about your penis too. The hydration can affect your penis.

Okay, you recently gave birth. You guys know this, but you might not be in the mood for sex. Intercourse can be painful, postpartum, tearing, healing. It takes a while, you guys. I mean, your doctors always say, wait, six weeks, but the truth is, for a lot of women, it could take months. It could take many months. When you have, when you breastfeed, that decreases your estrogen levels. Your vagina's less lubricant. Not going to want sex. I mean, there's all, then that makes sex when you have when you breastfeed that decreases your estrogen levels, your vagina's less lubricant, not gonna want sex. I mean there's all in that makes sex painful. So just know that don't rush to what your doctors don't rush to

kind of meet the six weeks and deadline like if your body's not in it that's you're not gonna want to sex. You're stressed about other things. I think it's the biggest one. It is anxiety. You just kill our sex drive. Mental energy. If you're mentally focused on a million other things that is going to impact your ability to enjoy sex. Alright. I'm just lost one. Okay. Finally, you're just not interested in sex either in the moment or in the long run. Okay. If you're this person,

it's just 1% of the population, you might be asexual, 1%. You never really feel sexual attraction or desire. You could be asexual. And there's nothing wrong with that. And asexuality is also on a spectrum. You might somaster bait. You might even still have sex.

But you might not find an attraction to people as readily, there's many ways to figure this out too. So that's another possibility. So those are a lot, do any of those resonate with you if so, I hope they help you. I'll go, oh, that's it. I need to get a water cooler. Because I can get more sleep.

I need to get off these meds and talk to my doctor and take something that will allow me to sex. Okay, guys, thank you, James. Thank you. All right, we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we're getting into your calls. All right, guys, I love answering your questions.

So if you want a question, answer it on the show, go to my website, sexwithelm.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, check yes if you want to be called, or email me as always feedback at sexwithelm.com, include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks guys. All right, I love this.

We have a couple calling in Jim and Pam, 35 from Iowa, and they want to know how to navigate or start an open relationship Hi Jim and Pam Hi, hey, so tell me what's going on Well, so essentially about about a year ago we kind of got Low more experimental and exploratory with our sex life and one of that years, we tried to explore, was looking to try and do a three-step. Okay. Well, kind of on the way to that, we ended up meeting a woman that was herself in an open relationship, but only with other women.

And then, she and my wife kind of hit it off really well. They actually started dating. And right up the first day, the question came up there, if we were interested in open relationships, we're both open to the idea. It's just such a new area and such a new area for us to explore that. We aren't entirely sure what we're doing. Okay. And how long have you guys been together? We've been married for 10 years together for 15 years. Okay. Great. And you guys sound like you're a really open, solid play. So you really, here's the thing about open relationships is that there's a lot of talking, right? There's a lot of really insetting boundaries. So there's a great book called Opening Up by Tristan Tearamino, and I would recommend that

book because I think you guys can kind of walk through it together, but what the most important thing is like making sure that you guys keep the open lines of communication. So what are the boundaries? Here's some examples. You like to have sleep overs. Do you want to meet the person ahead of time? Do you guys each on the same night, you're both going to go on dates with somebody else? Are you going to share what happens or is it don't ask, don't tell? Are there certain things that are off limits on limits? And I think you guys will actually have fun with this. I think talking about it and there actually are some, there's some stuff online. I think talking about it and there actually are some. There's some stuff online.

I'm wondering, like, maybe in this book, there's like a list that can ask you. They call them like, yes, no, maybe lists. But I think they have them for open relationships. Like, because right now you might not know all the things that could come up. So it could ask you, like, you guys could sit there and think, well, how would you feel if I came home and said,

you can even walk through it. Like, like, Pam, you could come in and say, okay, last night I had 16 orgasms with this guy and he did it was the best oral ever, you know, and I just, his penis was huge. And you know, damn, like, how would you feel about all those details so you guys can kind of roleplay and kind of see, like, what, what would fly and what wouldn't? And I think the guidance of, of, and maybe even seeing a couple's counselor, there's some that actually specialize in this to make sure that you don't, you know, that you're

kind of going in the right direction. So that's what I would cover beforehand. But obviously, you're not going to know until it actually happens. So be prepared that when you guys actually, when this actually does happen and you come home after you talk about it, it's not like, you know, there might be some jealousy, like unexpected or even in places that you didn't think would bother you. And so that's when you really talk about it. Like, well, this really made me feel this way. And then this is why. And so what I found from people in open relationships, that they actually, the ones I know that are really unhealthy, open relationships have

the most honest, open communication that is actually really admirable, I think. And they go places that people in monogamous relationships often don't, so I think it could be really positive. Just make sure you keep talking. Yeah, we've done so much talking. There's so many emotions. That's good. That's good.

That's a weak span. That's good. I think several days, just like writing out like list of rules on a note pad, like a thing that we would be comfortable or not comfortable with. That's like several days, just like writing out like list of rules on a note pad, like a thing that we would be comfortable or not comfortable with. That's like, oh good. Okay, so it sounds like you guys are already, like this is going to happen. Yeah, I know, I love it.

You guys sound great. It sounds like you're already then going in the right direction. And then, so, and I think you just keep that going because you can't know until it happens, but I think it helps to do as much work you can at a time. And then to honor those boundaries obviously and like watch the drinking, you know, if you guys are big drinkers or alcohol accidents, people can, you know, social lubricants sometimes, we make, you know, we do things we wouldn't normally do. So I think it's great to kind of limit that drugs, alcohol, you know,

when our inhibitions go down. And so yeah, any other specific questions? It sounds like you guys are already off to a good start. We are. It's just been kind of tricky. We're in Iowa where nothing is. I know.

That was the other thing. You're in Iowa. So how does this happen? Do you guys have kids? Do you time, can you travel? Or do you do? So we're at mid-to-limited. And we've been playing around on the different dating apps and things like

that. It's just so difficult. It is. Is there a, is there, we'd have to probably travel to a bigger city. Yeah, I was going to say maybe go to the, you know, a city close by. There's some apps like Field, doesn't app F-E-E-L-D and FET life. I'm not sure how populated is in Iowa. You could have a weekend in Vegas. So, but I think you also be surprised though. I think that there are more people who are interested in this than you actually might think. So, you know, the swinger next door. So, I think that you're going to find your people when you put it out there, so keep looking and then see what you got to do to make it happen. Finding that other person can be challenging, but I think

you guys are, you know, they are there, promise you and if you have to go to another city you might have to travel. Right for sure. Okay, make a weekend out of it. Exactly, why not? It sounds like a good time. Yeah, so just keep talking, keep looking, you know, you might have some forever know. Yeah, for sure. Okay, good. Well, I want to hear how it goes. So keep me posted. Thank you guys so much for calling. I'm just for huge fans on the link. Oh, thank you. I'm fans of yours.

I love how you guys are doing this. So thank you for calling. Thank you. Bye. Bye, everybody. I love this to you guys. You know, more and more couples now. They really, you know, you and you.

Okay, well first let me say this. You would be listening like, oh my God, I can never do that. That's crazy, open relationships. And it's certainly not for everyone. I can tell you that. But you'd be surprised. There's a lot of people who actually make this work

by really fierce, honest, open communication. Okay, we have Bethany. She's 29 from Colorado. And her partner is not giving her oral, even though she's a giving lover. Hey Bethany, thanks for calling. Let's get into this. Tell me what's going on.

You know, it's just funny because I've never been in a relationship where I didn't receive as well. And honestly, it's kind of taken a stab at my confidence. Yeah, makes sense. Yeah, it's just strange to me because after not receiving it, I really found it important. Yeah, it is. Absolutely. So you're not wrong here at all. I think that I've been in that situation too. And I was like, what is going on here? So how long have you been with your boyfriend? It's been a year and I've kind of decided that if things don't change soon, I don't know

what I can continue on. And I felt initially that that was kind of shallow of me, but I just wanted to know if there's a way I can kind of entice him because I feel like I've tried it all. Okay. Well, let's talk first of all. It is not shallow. I'm going to tell you here. I have ended a relationship based on lack of oral. I've ended it because so what I, well, first I wanted, so that is totally

that is women, you know, women require, so many women require oral sex. It's like the way we orgasm, like we're more likely to orgasm from oral than intercourse. So you're all, you're, you're good here. So tell me what you've already done. Tell me how you've talked to him about it in the past. Well, what I've kind of just said is that something that I'm doing it, like is it my sense or anything like that, and he says absolutely nothing wrong with your anatomy. It's in my head.

I also just get over it in my mind because I haven't done it in the past two relationships I've been in. So I kind of have hinted towards it when we are in that intimate moment. Okay. And then he just reverts completely to something else. Mm, okay, so good. Okay, so this is great information because here's what I'm thinking that he's probably feeling like he's not good at it and he doesn't have a lot of experience. So, which she probably doesn't.

And so, I think it sounds like he doesn't. So, I think he probably really wants to please you. It's not like he doesn't sound like he had a bad experience or just not as thing, that he might need some guidance from you. But I think what we got to change here, Bethany, is that you have this conversation with him when you're not in the moment.

So, I think it's time for like a heart to heart, how to go out to dinner, somewhere where you guys are feeling relaxed, can be a breakfast in the morning, wherever you feel comfortable and say, baby, I'm gonna talk to you about something. Love our sex life, our relationship, it's hot, but I know I've brought up oral sex before

and it's something that I actually, I've realized now after a year that I actually need it. Like I miss it, I require it. And so, and I know we've talked about this, but I understand that like, it sounds to me, like maybe you feel like you're not really sure, you know, because you haven't done it a lot. And so, you know, ask me a question,

and say, is that what it is? And then let them answer, and then, you know, and then do you think he would be open to that? Yeah, I think he really does want to try and maybe I could just give him some pointers yes i guess i haven't heard the late talk and you've got exactly okay so this is great because i bet he wants to learn he wants to please you but

you know guys don't love asking for directions you know a lot of guys i mean girls on either right so that's what i wish i knew and then we get in our heads he's probably really insecure about it so what i love what I think is great, now do you like masturbate? Are you familiar with your body? Oh yeah. Okay, great.

Okay, this is going so well, Bethany. So I think the thing for you to do is to say, we ask if you'd be open to it and maybe a little mutual masturbation session where you could show him how exactly how you like to be touched. Or maybe it's a one-way masturbation where first you get off and he's watching and then maybe he gets off because if it's mutual he might not really be able to pay attention.

So you could just show him like this is how I like my clitoris touch, this is how I use my fingers, that guy like to have some loop here and then like actually show him. It's like a show and tell. So you don't like you to explain it when you're talking to him at dinner. And you can just let him know that you'd love to work on it together, that you actually think would be really hot if you guys to figure it out together. So in every situation is a new learning curve

because even if he'd been doing it to every woman of the past, every woman's body is different. So I think first find out if you've got the go ahead, if he's cool and he wants to learn. And then it's either through mutual masturbation or even if it's just you saying, you know what? So next time when you go down to me, know that you're going to know that he's on board and say, I can't wait to teach you. I think it'd be so hot for me to show you exactly what I like. And then he'll feel less anxious like he's supposed to be performing.

And then you guys can learn together. You can teach him how he's learning it. Make it fun though. Make it fun, make it light, and just give him an option. Because what happened to me was I said to my partner, I said, listen, is it number one? You're not really sure if I'm into it or number two, you're not sure that you want to do it or number three, it's not your thing.

And he said, you know what, it's not my thing. And then I said, well, babe, you're not my thing. And then I ended up, I three, it's not your thing. And he said, you know what, it's not my thing. And then I said, well babe, you're not my thing. And then I ended up having a shit. It's a deal breaker. So for you though, I'm thinking you're going to hear, yeah, I really want to, but I'm just not sure what I'm doing. You say, wow, great, because I can't wait to show you. And then you make it fun, you keep it light.

And you know, take a little bit of time, you know, it takes a while. Like my boyfriend didn't get a lot of guys don't get it right away. So you just keep working on it so you can get what you want. Yeah, maybe it's just intimidating to them. I guess it is. It's really intimidating to them because they want to please you so bad. And then men have this thing in their head like, oh, I should already know and why don't I know? And it doesn't makes me less of a man. None of which is true.

So the more you can make him feel like, you know, he is that great lover and he's hot and you can't wait and all that stuff, he's gonna be able to relax into it and give you those screaming orgasms that you deserve. Okay, Bethany. It's gonna only be a little bit longer until I'm like, I'm just... I know. Well, this is why I think it's got to be like tonight. Just talk to him about it. Yeah. It sounds scary, but once don't you just get into it? Perfect. Please do it tonight.

And then please let me know how it goes. OK? OK. OK. OK. Thanks, Bethany. Thanks for calling Sex Family. I love this, you guys.

We all have pleasures, our birthright, and we all have the right to better sex, and especially oral sex, you guys. So tell your partner what you want. Make sure they're on board. And let's all go down like we mean it. Chris, he's 36 in Oklahoma and he can't stay hard and couple swapping, but he can during three Sims regardless of the third person's gender. Hey Chris. Hi, how are you?

I'm good. I love this question. So Tommy, what's going on? Break this down for me. I basically exactly what she said. We've been my wife and I have been playing around with you know third parties for a little over a year and We decided we would try the couples think as unicorns are hard to find Ain't that the truth? That we're out hard to find. Ain't that the truth? With that we're out. So when you're okay, so you've been in three sums with men and women. Are you bisexual?

Are you with men or is it she's with the men? Just her. Just her. Okay. So what happens is you swap, she's with the man. Is it a married couple that you're swapping with? Yes. Okay. And so she and another room? No, we're together in the same bed so far. All four of you are in the same bed. Yes. Okay, well maybe that's part of it. What if you separated into another room with the woman? I think that would be easier for me with the other girl, but I'm afraid of where my mind will go otherwise.

Well, here's the thing. First of all, you don't have to do this either, right? Like I, like I want to know there's like a gun to your head. This might not be your thing, right? It might just be hard for you. But also know this, that a lot of the challenges that we have around sex, whether it's swapping

or even just having an orgasm or asking for what we want is because we're in our head and we're so worried about whatever it is that our brain leaves our genitals and it goes right to our brains. So whenever you're thinking, you're going to get softer down there and your brain is going to be inflamed. So, this is really a mindfulness practice. Do you have any practice with like experience with meditation? Anything like that?

Okay. Well, I'll make this easy for you. Don't worry, I'm not going to like light incense and make you do anything like all woo, here. But really the, right, don't worry, don't worry. Here's the thing about mindfulness. It will, this is what it means. Then we break this down. Basically, it means that when you're with this other person, and I think it might help

if you're in the other room, that you, the second your mind is going to, oh my God, what's happening with my wife, you go right back to, you engage all of your senses. And what I mean by that is you go back to, okay, in the moment, what am I seeing? Well, I'm seeing this woman in front of me, who's really turned out, what am I hearing? I'm hearing the music in the background. What am I smelling? Oh, that vanilla candle smells great. What am I touching? Her skin feels really soft right now. And so the mo, you know, you might only be able to do one of those. But when we drop into our senses in a moment, then nothing else exists.

You're just present. And you might have to do that like 16 times in a minute, but the more you do that and it's practice, the more you'll be able to connect with this woman and be more present and have sex with her without your brain getting in the way. Because all that stuff is just you can control that because it's actually you talking to

yourself. It's not some foreign voice or brain. Unfortunately, it's not like some foreign alien in our brain even though it feels like the good news is that you're in control. And what I would say is before you guys go on to another swap, I'd love you to start practicing this when you're masturbating or when you're actually having sex with your wife. Because you know sometimes even when we're with our partners we're like, oh God, I turn off the oven, like, oh, the kid's going to come in, you know, we worry.

So the more you can say, you know what, let me practice thinking about, like, being present and engaging my senses with my wife, you'll already have practice for when you bring in the next person. Right. That makes sense. engaging my senses with my wife, you'll already have practice for when you bring in the next person. Right, that makes sense. And I actually have tried almost what you said the last time we were with a couple because since the first time I sent you guys the question, we've been with another couple, actually the same couple. And I did exactly that and it helped out quite a bit, but I did still notice back and forth that, you know, I was wondering, well, what the fuck is she doing? Right, right, right.

Well, it's a practice. That's why they call it a practice, right? And only the boot against the boot against the boot. Like, this is the life time practice. Like, I still get distracted during sex. It's my job. And I remember I got to bring myself back. So it's not like it's perfect.

Everyone's mind wanders during sex. And I just, my partner, please, what's going on? Is that a noise outside? So just know like it's perfect. Everyone's mind wanders during sex. Is my partner pleased? What's going on? Is that a noise outside? So just know that that's great. So you're telling me the second time it felt better, so just keep doing it. Keep doing this, keep practicing this.

And then also to also know that if this doesn't work for you, that's okay. You can go back to the three sums. You can go back to the four sum. Maybe I have a four sum where you're all in it together literally. So just, there's nothing wrong here. Just see how it goes the next time.

And I think it's going to keep getting better since it already is improving. I agree. Hopefully, I'll just keep trying. Good. Okay. Just keeping present with that. Thanks, Chris. Thanks for calling.

Thank you very much. You're so welcome. I love that people are trying to explore something different each time, right? I mean, you know, you get swapping and threesomes and our brains just do things we don't want them to do, but the more we can practice being in our body and being present in the moment, whether we're the one person or six people,

it's going to serve you and it's gonna help us all have better sex. Matt, he's 30 from New Zealand and he wants to revive his sex life. Hey, Matt. Hey, Emily Zealand and he wants to revive his sex life. Hey, Matt. Hey, Emily, nice to talk to you. So nice to talk to you too. So tell me what's going on.

I guess, yeah, so I guess I'll sort of take slices, taking a bit of a back seat. So I guess like the rest of life. Because it just moved from New Zealand to Australia and my partner is a bit stressed and it jobs not going well. And there's all these other external factors like you said, impacting and having big stress and all that sex life does take that backseat. Was the first thing that takes the back seat? Yeah, it does.

Wait, yeah, something like perhaps just little trips or ways to sort of start to reintroduce that fire that was there. Yeah, okay, so it sounds like you guys have had some stress and some anxiety and stress, like the biggest killer of our sex drive. So you know that, you get even less in the show. So you're wondering, like, how do I bring it back? What do we do? And she's on she's on board as well. She's ready. Yeah, totally. Yeah, we started, you know, we do talk about it. And it is, um, yeah, something that we do, addressing now and then, but I guess

I've got to talk about it even more. Yeah. Yeah, you're never done talking about it. That's the thing. I think we don't talk about it enough. You know, people like, oh, yeah, we talked about it. It's, you know never done talking about it. That's the thing. I think we don't talk about it enough You know people like oh, yeah, we we talked about it. It's you know last summer. It's like no This is not a thing to talk about as much as you talk about what we're gonna do on Saturday night You continue to talk about your sex life. So okay, how is your um, you know Well first is there have you guys talked about your turn-ons or any fantasies you have or do happen to know what? Get you both

going where to start? Yeah well like I feel like it's been you know it's definitely been over a few months now and you start kind of almost sort of like I've sort of forgotten how to do it. Yeah we do and I know that she does I'm love to you know experiment with like textures and and like do and I know that she does. I'm loved to, you know, experiment with like textures and like touch and, you know, had sort of things like that. So, yeah. So slowing things down.

Talking about it even more. Yeah, you talk about it even more, but like in a way that's fun. See, this is what I love this because but couples have to realize is that like, I do when we think about sex, like, oh, it's gonna be a big conversation. It's gonna be so scary.

But if you look at it, we're gonna learn something new here together and it's actually gonna enhance our intimacy. We're actually gonna learn what really turns each other on. So you're talking about kind of slowing things down and playing with different senses. So you know, you guys could, could like, you know, I love just,

if the exercise she's been stressed and you guys both have been stressed, start out with taking the whole sex thing off that you're taking off the table but you don't have to jump right into having intercourse like you were in the past but maybe just some touch where you guys are experimenting with some central massage,

get some massage candles, pour the warm wax on each other, play with different sensations. Like, you know, the feather is in the whips and the, you know, you could just use things in the house. You could use ice cubes. You could use like a necklace, you know, with like beads on it and just use a blindfold or one of you's blindfolded and the other one is like, you know, using ice cubes or giving to the other one a massage and doing different things to each other.

So it's like a tease and then you take turns and just so you could just kind of play with that. So it's not so much about going back to where you were, but discovering new erotic zones and new ways to play. Yeah, totally. That makes so much sense. Yeah. Yeah, because often you do kind of think that, you know, that end game or like, you know,

having sex where, yeah, you're so right, that's, you know, bringing the facts, I think, would help. Yeah, I think just taking off the, like, I think that we think of sex in such a linear way, and we think, oh, forp, there's the for-play, and then there's the sex, right? But I think for-play, and I think a lot of, you know, people can agree with me, that that's kind of can be like the most exciting part of sex, getting a rouds and the teasing, and it really can enhance your intimacy. So, you guys can either talk about things that you want to try. You could, you know, if there's any like you guys can watch some porn together or get a book and I have

a book called Hot Sex. It's called Hot Sex over 200 things you can try tonight. And it's a really cool. It's a beautiful book. I mean, but it's cool. Like pictures appear. You just open like I know a lot of people have it and like they open it to one page like let's try this tonight. And so that could be a really fun thing for you guys to do, just different, just find whatever like sparks your interest and again make it fun, make it keep it light and just like say, hey, why would we try this? We're not, try this tonight.

So how does that feel, Matt? Yeah, now that, it's very helpful, so helpful. And it has been something that I've been thinking about for a while, and I think it's helped me out a lot. Okay, good. So it's time to stop thinking and start talking. And talking? Yeah. And not in a threatening way. Communication is a lubrication, you know, man. You know you got this. So next time you guys have to dinner in a common place,

not in the bedroom, start to talk about it. Just have some patience and you can bring it back. I promise, I love that you're so interested in it and you want to make it work, so it will. Thank you so much. Thank you Matt. My pleasure, have a great night. All the best.

Thank you, you too, thanks for calling from New Zealand. I love it. People everywhere you guys do whatever you live, we've all gonna have challenges around our sex life. So remember you guys, it doesn't have to be so scary. The talk does not have to be this like horrible thing. Remember, take it outside the bedroom, make a casual, and find out what you're both into, and then bring that spark back. Okay guys, hope you enjoyed this call show and all the tips. Tell me what you think. We love to hear from you. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemleeve.com.