Sex With Emily - Oral Sex Essentials

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Why are there so many hang ups around oral sex? For starters, many of us don’t know how to give it, or receive it. So how do we bring amazing, orgasm-inducing oral into our sex lives? Today’s episode is a great place to start. I answer your questions on oral upgrades, so you can blow more than just their mind – and get the pleasure you deserve. When you’re new to sex, how do you coach a partner to give you great oral? Or how about when you go down on your partner, but they refuse to kiss you afterwards – should you say something? And what if your penis-owning partner can’t finish…no matter how good your oral game is? I’ll also discuss how porn can distort what we think is good oral sex, so you can take what you need from the screen and leave the rest to your IRL abilities.Show Notes:Gifts For Every Turn On: Valentine’s Day Guide 2023LELO TOR 2 (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off all products)Podcast: Sex Toys for Penis OwnersArticle: Where is the Clitoris?Article: Mind-Blowing Oral Sex in Under 5 Minutes: The Kivin Method Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When we think of sex as just being penis goes in vagina, we're missing so much other pleasure. And I'm all about the pleasure revolution here, so I'm just trying to enhance your pleasure, decrease your pain, whether it's emotional pain or physical pain. That's what's all about. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So why are there so many hang-ups around oral sex? For starters, many of us don't know how to give it or receive it. So how do we bring amazing orgasm inducing oral into our sex lives? Today's episode is a great place to start. I answer questions and oral

upgrades so you can blow more than just their mind and get the pleasure you deserve. Alright, so when you're new to sex, how do you coach a partner to give you great oral? Or how about when you go down on your partner but they refuse to kiss you afterwards? Should you say something? And what if your penis owning partner can't finish no matter how good your oral game is? I'll also discuss how porn can distort what we think is good oral sex so you can take what you need from the screen and leave the rest to your IRL abilities. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an

intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you feel more confident and comfortable with oral sex, through technique, teasing, and most importantly, communication. Please rate and review Sex with the Emily wherever you listen to the show and my new gift guide, GIFs for every turn on Valentine's Day gift guide 2023 is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with the Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com

slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And you can totally chain your name or choose your main anonymous. So before we get into today's episode, I want to tell you all about our partner, Leilo. You know I love recommending sex toys, to spice up any kind of sex, sex with yourself, sex with your partner, and in fact, we did an entire episode on sex toys for our penis owners. So remember, sex toys is for everybody, so I'll link to that episode in our show notes.

So, Lailos, bestselling couples ring. It's the tour too. It's a flexible vibrating penis ring that is great for everybody. Penis owners, vulva owners, and why I love penis rings, let me remind you, is, yes, they're great for partnered sex because penis owners wearing it the vibrations feel great in his penis if he's with a vulva owner she's on top or wherever and it can hit her clitoris wherever she is both of you are getting stimulated which I love. But let me tell you this you can also take it off the penis wrap it around your fingers and use it as a vibrator to die do when you're giving oral sex you could tease the shaft tease the clitoris I mean really you could use this vibrator anywhere that feels good. And since we have so

many wonderful nerve endings in our body, you could trace it all over your partner's body. So the Tor-2 is made of this really smooth body-safe silicone, and it comfortably fits all penis sizes, so not to worry. Plus, it's rechargeable, waterproof, and has this intuitive, two-button interface, so you can switch between stimulation modes, which is very cool. You're going to love this toy. Check it out. You can find the Tor 2 at Laylo.com-Slash-Tor 2. That's L-E-L-O.com-slash-T-O-R-Hyphen 2.

Plus you get 25% off all Laylo products if you use the code Emily at checkout. That's Laylo.com, code Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Korean 22 in DC has a question. Hi, Corrine. What's going on? How can I help you? Hey, Emily. Hi. Okay. I just have a little PC problem that's got a big. Okay.

I just talked to the guys for a couple of months and, um, you know, we decided to do the deal and he's not really good at giving head situation. So I don't know how to like, I felt like I tried to direct him. I don't feel like he was still picking it up. I just, I wonder how I could better probably teach him. Great question. Because it's important.

Well, here's the thing. Karin, here's the thing. Is he your age as well? Is he 22? He is 22. Karine, here's the thing. Is he your age as well? Is he 22? He is 22. I can tell you one. Okay. Does he want to please you?

Do you think he wants to get good at it? Is he trying? Yeah, he is trying. Okay. So that's good, because there's some guys who are like, nope, I'm not into it. It's not my thing.

So we know he wants to try. Have you had good oral sex before? So that's the thing. I haven't had a lot of it now. Right. I was going to tell you that most, listen, and I don't want this to be an unpopular. I don't often just say things like this, but when you're 22, 21, he haven't had as much experience. It's a skill. And it takes different women and different experiences to kind of know what you're doing. And I don't think I had great oral ties like in my 30s. So like I'm just telling you that most people don't know, especially that age.

It takes practice or maybe if you find someone who's been with a partner for a while and then they, you know, if they maybe they had like a long-term growth run and they figured it out. So anyway, he's probably just doesn't know, right? But then you don't know either because you probably haven't had it. Well, my first question is, every woman's body is a little bit different. But do you have orgasms on your own? Oh, do you have orgasms on my own? Yeah, I do. Do masturbate.

I do, just get. Okay. So you know what feels like... I don't use a lot of toys, but... Well, that's okay. You don't have to use toys, but do you have an orgasm? Have you had a orgasm? Oh, good. Amazing. So, do you like touch your clitoris?

Do you rub your, do you know what you do when you're touching yourself? Probably just a finger inside. Okay. Awesome. That's a good step. That's a good start. Have you ever had an orgasm with this person

like do through penetration or through sex? No, no, it's finished orgasm, probably not. Okay, okay. Got it. So this is good. Yeah, it feels good, but not an orgasm. Okay, so I would first, the first thing that's important is to go, is just to go slow,

because I feel like a great overall oral sex tip, if you're going down on a Volvo would be to make sure your hands are clean, to get comfortable position and then just start to tease and like lick around the clitoris, you know, maybe like like tease your thighs and and sort of not go right for the clitoris and start like a munching way at it and aggressively, that I think for many women it's a lighter touch and it's a build up and it's slow and it's sort of like making out with your mouth but they're sort of making out with your vulva

external part of your vagina. Like you could even show him what you do when you masturbate, like how you touch yourself to bring yourself to orgasm. Because that is also really, like a hot thing to do is to have him watch, like you do it so you could also do mutual masturbation where you're both masturbating and getting yourselves off and then it's really hot to watch each other

and then also you are learning, kind of he's learning by watching you what you like. And so, oh my gosh. So, yeah, that's a great thing to do, you know? And I think that for a lot of guys, maybe starting out, or just in general, they just go really fast, right? They go in with their mouth, like,

I don't know what they think they should be doing, you know, they're just like, it's too hard, it's too fast, it's too aggressive, you're not warmed up. Cause women are like a little like slow cookers, right? And men are sort of frying pans, men get going right away, but women need to be teased and we need to get aroused. And like our clitoris needs to wake up a little bit

when there's arousal, but just going right at it. And like a lot of times in porn, you just go right to like someone licking really intensely. And so if you have a lot of experience, you might just mimic what you see in porn. He might be doing that. He might be doing something he saw in porn. And a lot of the stuff that we see in porn is just for camera. It doesn't actually feel good.

So again, it's experimenting and actually asking him to and saying is it okay if I give you direction, like when you're doing it and you guys could sort of learn together But I would say circle like you know with his tongue you could do circles He could go slowly with his tongue and use it in different areas the kind of different pinpoint with this tongue The other thing that I'm thinking of is the kivin method There's this method if you go to sex with belly.com and you look up the kivin method the Clitoris is not just your little bud right above your rational opening But there's so many nerve endings that extend in your labia and stuff like that. So he comes in perpendicular, like you're lying down and he's coming in at you from the side,

sort of like think about him licking you from thigh to thigh and not like up and down, like from toes to head, right? And if he takes his tongue and he's licking you from the outside of your labia to the ins, from your outer labia and then across, he's covering more surface area and that by covering more surface area he's gonna be hitting more nerve endings with his tongue. Ooh, okay.

Okay Emily, we have let me check that out. All right, Greene, and now so if you go to sexathely.com, we've got a lot of great tips there for you, but I would start with some of those. And just be patient with them. I love that he wants to try. Right. No, thank you so much, Emily. Oh my God, you're so welcome.

All right, next up, we have an email from Bill, 54 in Minnesota. I've been married to my wife for 25 years. I love to perform oral sex on her. The problem is that after I do, she refuses to kiss me. I miss that part. I appreciate any assistance. Thank you for the difference you make in the world. Thank you, Bill, for the question.

Is the part of you wanting to kiss right after because you think that's hot that you went down in her? I understand this. Maybe you could have a glass of water by the bed? I don't know that if your wife of 25 years you're going to be able to convince her, that's hot that you went down in her. I understand this. Maybe you could have a glass of water by the bed. I don't know that if your wife of 25 years, you're gonna be able to convince her, but I think that's super sexy and hot to do that because you're already exchanging all these fluids.

But if you kind of have some, you know, maybe you take a drink of water. Have you asked her what part of it is the refusing? She think it's like unsanitary. I mean, you could have minced by the bed. In fact, using those mint strips when you're performing oral and someone can be very hot. Test that out.

That's a fun thing to do at home. I'm not saying that it's gonna feel good to everybody, but it might feel good to you or to your partner. But if you go down on her with those strips and you're about, and then you're already minting, that might help. But again, I would ask her what it is about it, and then maybe you can move through it.

Maybe she believes that she could get sick from it. We don't know. I think it's okay to challenge our partners and I hate to even use the word challenge, but to get curious when your partner just says no. This is off limits. I'm never doing that. You could say, oh, tell me more about that. It's such a great phrase to adopt in any conversation.

Tell me more about that. Really, what do you think that's about? More. Also, another thing to say is, I notice. I notice that whenever I try to initiate sex lately, it feels like maybe you're not in the mood as much. Am I getting the right message? Or I notice that when we have sex, that sometimes it seems like you're in pain, is that true?

Or I notice that you're not really into going down and being as much anymore, is there something going on? Let's talk to Sherry 58 in California. Hi Sherry, what's going on? Hi, yeah, hi Emily. Hi. I started dating someone recently in July

and we've had sex a few times, but we first started, he couldn't have an orgasm. He said, well, he hasn't had sex for a while, so maybe that's the reason, right? So we keep trying and he still hasn't. And I'm giving him like blow jobs like crazy and nothing's happening. He won't give me any feedback about what I'm doing wrong.

I never experienced this with anyone else. So I know it's not my technique. Yeah. At least normally. Okay. You know what? Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Yeah.

Yeah. And you got to tell me what I'm doing. I'm down here for like a half an hour, 45 minutes. Then like it's like quiet in the church. But it's like, it's a grind. Sherry, it sounds to me like he's a delayed a calculator. That's why the blow job gets a bad rap. Because you're like, this is a fucking job.

Sherry, I bet you need a delayed a calculator. It's like premature ejaculation. This is the other side of it. And it's for many less typically. I don't like to put time around it, but it is about 30 minutes to an hour. They just really cannot ejaculate. It takes them that long.

And it's delayed ejaculation. There's a lot of different causes for it. We don't know exactly. A lot of things. It's mental. It could be something physical, but it's actually one of these conditions. And it's very common for men actually.

I hear about delayed ejaculation. Yeah, it's pretty common. I was with a guy once to share the same thing and And I was like, what is the problem? I'm really good at oral. I know what I'm doing. This is there and am I not? What happened? And I come to find out that like this was something that he's like, oh no, it's happens or whatever I just remember this now. My friend had dated him like two years earlier and one time I was like, what's the deal with Bob? I'll call him Bob and she was like, oh my God,

he never comes. Sherry, we all worry when our partner doesn't orgasm, it's our fault. And typically it's not. Unless you're actively not trying to satisfy your partner. No, I'm trying. I hear you, I'm exhausted for you. What if I'm in a blow job?

You got a nap? You know, you need to take the day off work. It's a lot. A lot. So I mean, Sherry, this is. You didn't mean that. You didn't mean that he said, it happened before, but like we've been trying to,

for like a couple of months now, and nothing has happened. Not on the everyday basis, but you know, once or twice a week or whatever, you know, or regular basis, and nothing has happened. Does the orgasm during penetration? No. Oh, not of it. You haven't seen a drop. No, not at least not with me. He told me he says he is masturbating.

He has orgasms. Yeah. We masturbation. But it could be that. Well, it could be also. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I wish Sherry. I am telling you, you have the doctors certified. It's at your fault, seal the poovolier. It's not your fault.

Has nothing to do with you. He's a delayed ejaculator. Now you could, if you're into this guy, try a vibrator on his penis. Try maybe if he's into prostate play. You don't get a cock ring that vibrates. I was gonna tell you that. I asked you like, what, what, what, what you fantasize about like we can try,

I'm pretty open like I'm willing to try anything, you know? Anyone even can't be, he's a guy. I get, I don't know what I'm gonna do to you. Yeah, I know. I think that he doesn't have the experience. I'm just like him. I know. Well, you know, Sherry, this is what I'm here.

This is why I have a job. Most people have never talked about it, whether you're 58 or 18, nobody ever talks about it. So he's probably, and I'm gonna be honest, is he in his 50s as well? He's probably had this for his lifetime. And I'm gonna imagine 51, yeah.

I'm gonna imagine that he's never talked about it to anybody and that it's always been a source of shame for him And he doesn't know what he likes because he hasn't maybe had healthy sex relationships because it's always so much stress for him because he can't come He's definitely a jack-of-the-trace. I think that this problem maybe since his divorce or since he's been with someone or maybe his wife was used to it, maybe it was on set in his 30s or 40s. It could also be like other health problems. He could be taking medication right now that could impact it. There are some things that could impact it. Like if he's out of the antidepressant, but typically a delayed ejaculator can not come

with a partner, it usually takes them at least 30 minutes or longer. So how long have we been seeing this guy? Okay. Yeah, 45 minutes. You can't get that time back. Sorry. And my nifty has been a blowjob. I know. Mine did too, just hearing about it.

So you said he said it has happened sometimes. Yeah, it has to take some while. But like, this is like, we've never, he's never ejaculate with this together. We've been together. I know at least has sex at least 10 or 15 times maybe. Oh, that's a lot of time. How was your, how about for you,

are you having orgasms and pleasure? Yeah, I look old, I'm out of me, and you know, very loving and you know, attentive, but like, I feel like I'm, I tell you what, I'm wasting my time. I don't want to waste any more time, but I'm not doing, I'm not my time. But I'm not doing. I'm not using my time for duckling.

Well, don't yes. The 45 minute blow job to somebody who does not ejaculate from oral, I would say also not efficient. However, is he having a good time? Is he enjoying the sex with you? Does he say he doesn't have a problem with it? Yeah, I think

well, you know, I don well, I'm not really sure, but he's not vulnerable. Let me tell you what we do have sex. He's so quiet. Oh, that is so hard. I hate when someone said, yeah, that's tough. Time that he's over. Now we have some things to discuss the next time you see him.

You could say I want to talk about it. Talk about it. I'm going to discuss it with him. He says he's having a good time, though. Yeah. And he doesn't make noise. Yeah, but I'd like, yeah, I don't have any, I don't do any clues, you know, nonverbal clues that you got to tell him. You got to say to him, right? Yeah, I've asked you, well, tell me what to do. Tell me

how you like it, what you want. And you can be a little bit, but it's not like enough. I can't pull it out of him. I'm trying to pull it out of him, but I don't want to make you feel bad either. You know, another way to approach it, which is say but I don't want to make you feel bad either. You know? Another way to approach it was to say, hey, when you guys are hanging out and it's casual and you're having dinner, not when you're in the bedroom. Remember timing, twerfin tone, not in the bedroom. Outside the bedroom, very casual. So you know, I've been thinking about our sex life and I'm like, you know, it's all good. I know that if you don't ejaculate, it's still a good time for you. But I just have some more questions for you because I can't help get out of my head that

there's something else I could be doing and I would just love to know more about this. Let me know if there's something else I could be doing it. If not, I'm just going to assume that we're good. Make it casual. Let's just say let me know. Maybe he's nervous the way you brought it up because it makes him feel more anxious that he's because he probably knows that he disappoints women when he has an orgasm. So let's just say the next case scenario is that he says to you,

yeah, you know what, I actually gotta be honest with you, this has been the case for many, many years and I actually just love watching you come. I, it still feels amazing to me. I'm not as attached to a calculation. I love this relationship. Then could you just say, let it go, maybe, and be like, okay, he's not gonna come, but I am. And it's fine. It's kind of.

Good. I'm here. Right. I want. Yeah. Okay. But to make it go. I like the body. You want to get. Yeah. No, right. What's I'm saying? But it's going to, you like somebody and you want to see them orgasm. I get that. Yeah. Exactly. But if you can make peace with it and you get more information, that this is just where he's at at this point in his life. And you could still be with him knowing that, that's just going to have to be the next decision.

But let's get some more information from him, get a little bit more details and then decide. But it's going to be a new thing, you know, you're going to have to think about, yeah, let me know. I'll be here. We're going to take a quick break, but when we return, I'll be sharing more oral sex tips, so don't go anywhere. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Let's continue talking about oral sex.

I was giving you some very specific tips about receiving oral and how to get comfortable with it, because we had so many calls from young women who felt that they just really didn't know how to receive. If you don't know how to receive it and for many young men, they don't know how to give it. Not because you're a bad guy, not that you just don't know like how would you know?

And here's the other kicker. Every single vulva owner is a little bit different. knock, you just don't know, like how would you know? And here's the other kicker, every single vulva owner is a little bit different. Just when you think you know, you're with someone else who wants something completely different, which is why it's important for oral just to pay attention with each partner and ask questions and talk about it. I mean, that's the best sex advice overall. Let's talk about it. A big thing is also holding your breath so you want to make sure that you are relaxed,

especially if you're tensing up and you're worried about it, just breathe, breathe as deep as you can. You can do a breath work class. I know that that can also help you if you practice like a four count inhale and a four count exhale, that can help you not only reduce stress, but it can also help elevate your orgasm because you're also breathing out tension and then you're moving that orgasm energy through your body or

the orgasm. When you have an orgasm, it's good to breathe too, but even just that can help you relax. Listen, give your partner directions, tell them what you want, what you really want, and even if you don't know, you could say, I'm trying to figure it out. Do you mind if I grab your hands or I show you what I like? This is where mutual masturbation is an excellent practice

because you and your partner can both masturbate side by side. You can see what they're doing. They watch what you're doing, so it's like a toofr, you get turned on and watching, and you're learning flavored lube. So here's the thing about flavored lube. It's delicious.

And if you have any concerns about your taste, even though you're fine, unless you have a STD that can happen, but mostly we are self-cleaning ovens. Our vaginas are going to restore their natural pH balance on their own. But you want to make sure that you find a healthy flavored loop. Set the environment as another thing I talked earlier about making sure that you're comfortable. Your entire environment, like light a candle, you have a playlist going.

If you have your favorite sexy playlist going, then you have something else to kind of get you relaxed or get in the mood. Make sure your door is locked if you've roommates or someone's going to walk in or the kids. I think once we make sure that we are in a safe, contained environment where we can just let go and feel relaxed, there's other things that can feel really good during oral, like allowing your partner to go down and you, but then also playing with other arrogginess zones. So teasing their nipples or playing with their anus or their perineum and teasing other body parts. I think

sometimes we're really focused on the oral and then we don't like use our hands to do anything else, but you could kind of play around with your hands and tease other parts. Another thing is to be present. Make sure that you are present and focused and paying attention to your partner. What they're doing and you're not just in your head worried about the head you're giving. I do like sensation play, adding like some ice cubes, flavored lubed tingling lube. All that is really fun. You know, a hot warm massage candle, ice, hot cold. Think about it.

It's like our bodies are just filled with all of these nerve endings. And there's so many ways to play. You can also try different positions for oral, putting a pillow underneath your bum and kind of raising it up or your lower back. When you're elevated, sometimes you're reaching other areas of your body. You're able to like kind of thrust your pelvic floor closer, so that's really helpful. Use toys. You don't have to just use your mouth during oral sex.

You could use some toys for teasing. Some people like fingers, some people don't, some people like hands. So just ask, pay attention. When we think of sex as just being penis goes in vagina, we're missing so much other pleasure. And I'm all about the pleasure revolution here. So I'm just trying to enhance your pleasure, decrease your pain,

whether it's emotional pain or physical pain. That's what's all about. Okay, we've time for a few more questions. This one comes from Jerry. He's 70 in Florida. How are you today? Good, how are you? What is happening? How can I help?

Tell me everything. Talking about going down on my girlfriend, the reason that I have some reluctance to do it at this point in time is some of the articles that I've read about throat cancer, HPV. And so I'm really not sure as to what the risks are for doing that. Does she have HPV? Do you know? Has she been tested? I would say not. I read there isn't.

It's not a test for it, but I don't know. Yeah, I mean, there's so much. There's 200 different strands of HPV, but it is always a risk. I mean, the higher the risk is the more sexual partners you have, the more likely you could be to transmit it. There's different ways that you could get it. I mean, the truth is risk is, the more sexual partners you have, the more likely you could be to transmit it. There's different ways that you could get it. I mean, the truth is, we're kind of all at risk because you're right. You can't always test for it.

We don't know. You can get the vaccine. It's a lot more challenging right now. So really, you can transmit anything through oral sex, but I don't think, you know, I understand that you're concerned about it. You could use a dental dam if you're very concerned. There are risks that is true and the chances of it too, I don't know what the stats are, how many people are getting it.

HPV, but I would recommend again, there's something called a dental dam. It's like a, if you're very nervous and your partner would like oral sex, I'm not going to tell you not to because yes, there's risks that, you're giving a blowjob to anybody or going down in a woman, you could get something, you could get herpes, you know, you could have the herpes, the virus one or two. So a dental dam is, it looks like a condom, you could actually, it's like, that material is latex and you can put it over your partner's genitals and then you could lick her through there, which actually feels good to be honest, if there's so many nerve endings on the clitoris, I'd hate to see you

in a relationship with someone who would never perform oral so I would definitely figure out a way to make sure she's pleased. Okay good information. Thank you. Okay, sure. You're welcome. Thanks for calling, Jerry. Yeah oral sex deep kissing sexual contact you can get HPB. It can be transmitted the more partners you have even if you are using protection. If you're giving oral sex to people you could get it, you could be at risk. It is true. So, it's not that common, but it's becoming more common is what I want to say.

Most people exposed to HPV never develop symptoms or health problems. Most HPV infections go away by themselves in two years, but the infection can persist and have long-term problems. So, could cause cervical cancer in women. Penis cancer in men, both sexes in their aides, you could get throat cancer. I am using protection with partners, but still, I'm not giving a blowjob with a condom on. And I guess it's a choice you have to make. Alexandria, 19 from Florida, has a question about oral. What's going on? First of all, thank you so much for having me and answering my call.

Of course. I'm here for you. I basically have had past experiences. I'm a young girl, so I just feel like my past experiences with oral has been kind of limiting. I feel like restricted when I know like presenting myself. I feel like there's a lot of pressure around how women should look down there. And my main like partners have been guys. I kind of stress about like, oh, is it clean enough down there?

Is it, do I need to be hairless? Ryan, really, I just don't want to be hairless. Like, and all that. And I also stress about like, be hairless like and all that and I also stress about like does it taste good to them or like something like that and I usually end up losing patience because I think about way too much in the moment. Yes. I guess I never like had an orgasm from oral sex. Okay. It's been a like heart breaking moment. I don't know because I really like to feel pleasure and not worry. Yeah, I totally get it, Alexandria. I'm so glad you called in with this because this is so common. You're so young, you're 19, and so you're still figuring it out. And so the fact that you're able to, in this moment, share this and say, this is what's going on means that you absolutely can get past it. And so the first thing I have to say is that for a woman, the most like sexiest thing is

someone who's confident, let's start with the hair. If you don't want to shave it all off, don't shave it all off. Do it in a way that makes you feel good. Trim or don't trim. I mean, I think we're seeing everything these days. And then I would also say, if you shower and you take good care of yourself, I think that your taste is fine. Our vaginas are self-cleaning ovens. They're like that. Like our pH balance gets all balanced out on its own.

So there's nothing to worry about. But the only thing is, Alexander, which you have to contend with, which a lot of women your age have to deal with, is that most men your age have only watched their most of their experiences around sex. And I don't care if they slept with 50 women, but most of their experience around sex, it comes from porn. And then the porn, it's not real life, it's fake. It's a fictionalized version of sex and the women are more shaved and trimmed and they look

perfect because they're literally tucked in and their bodies move towards camera. They're shot at different angles so every vulva looks trim and beautiful. And I'm telling you that it's not real life but at 19 maybe the partners that you're with they don't really get it either. But I do think that you can be with somebody who's going to you to be your best self, to feel confident. So it's really just a matter of experience, and it's okay at 19 that you haven't been able

to settle into it, because most of us happen. You haven't had a lot of experience, and then you have a lot of messages probably in your head that are telling you you should be something different than you are. Yeah. Is that helpful? Yeah, it is like stressful, especially if it's with a person I don't know as well

And then I end up just thinking way too much honestly then maybe right now Find someone that you do know well see whenever we're having sex This is the thing whenever we're about to have sex with them Alexander I like I'm at different stages in my life I'm like am I just looking for sex right now or do I actually want to be with somebody that I know and that I feel safe with? And I have to tell you that perhaps what I'm hearing from you, and this is true for a lot of women that the most pleasurable sex we have

is when we're with a partner that we feel safe with and that we trust. And I'm not saying this has to be your future husband and you even have to be completely committed. But maybe if it's a one off and you're just meeting them, I don't know that we, any of us, feel that comfortable with someone we barely know, to go down on us. It's so intimate.

So that might be at as well. You find someone that you know that they are trustworthy and they treat you well, that they're not going to shame you and they're going to be as invested in your pleasure as you are. But that's not always good to find with random people we meet. My best sex is not necessarily with like some random person I meet. Not in that saying you're dating randoms. I'm saying I get randoms. I don't know who you're dating, but I've done the random. I've done it all so I could

be here and talk to you about it. So I'm just saying go easy on yourself and that maybe that's okay that you're not okay with it with someone you just met. Right? And maybe if there's a partner you could ever pet it of sex with, you'll start to open up. I know for me gets better over time when I'm with someone. So there we go. Well, thank you so much. Of course, you are beautiful as you are. Thank you, Alexandria. Let me know how it goes, okay?

I'm here for you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life,

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