Sex With Emily - Orgasm Blockers & Sex Myth Stoppers

Episode Date: October 3, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is breaking down sex myths to set the record straight – and answering your emails, of course. She dives into whether or not monogamy is really as straightforward as it seems, ways to get past trust issues in a relationship, and thoughts on male masturbators (the toys, not the people). Plus, she gives some clarifications on a few things you thought you knew about women and sex. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Womanizer, Magic Wand, Apex Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I'm breaking down some sex myths and answering your emails. Topics include monotony, it seems straight forward, but is it? Things you thought you knew about women in sex and just let me clarify some things for you might not be what you think. Trust issues, is it possible to get past them in a relationship and thoughts on male masturbators? The toys, not the people. All this and more, thanks for listening! and thoughts on male masturbators. The toys, not the people. All this and more, thanks for listening. Music

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them a lie on days. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god.

I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Check out SexWithEmily.com. It is a plethora of resources for you to have better sex and relationships. You can also find us all over where all the podcasts live. Spotify, Google Play, I Heart Radio, iTunes.

We love when you subscribe and comment on iTunes. That's amazing and you can also find us on social media. It's at Sex with Emily across the board, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Okay, today's show. I've got some sex in the news and then I'll be answering your email questions. Could orgasm anxiety be holding you back? So think about it. When you think about sex, we hear about performance anxiety

and that's pretty much always been labeled a guy thing, right? Oh, he comes too quickly or he can't stay hard long enough and it's a lot of pressure on men. However, women also suffer similar bedroom challenges. In fact, there was a recent study that said female performance anxiety or FPA has always existed and it can definitely mess with desire and rob women of satisfying sexual experiences. So let me give you an example of this female performance anxiety. She might be worried when she's naked.

What do I look like? What's my partner thinking that I look like? What does she smell like or taste like down there? My partner really want to be there anyway. She wonders whether she's doing it right, that she has all the right moves or all the wrong moves and she just wants no M.I. pleasing my partner. And then the biggest stressor, and I can totally relate to this, taking too long to climax.

And if I'm taking too long, will I even get there at all? We wonder if we're going to orgasm. And so this whole thing, all this pre-orgasmic angst is actually the FPA female performance anxiety. I've had these thoughts. I've had times, and they actually don't necessarily go away. I'm not saying you're never going to have this kind of anxiety, but it's very common for women to be with a partner

and think, do they want to be doing this? I even have moments with my current partner. We have great communication and I'll think, okay, this is taking longer and I'll say, babe, are you cool? I know it's taking longer. He's like, yeah, yeah, I've got this. I'm in. I've got all night. I will be here. And sometimes I just even might even though I know of a partner who's loving and he's in it Sometimes even I need to ask for that. So what I'm saying is be okay with asking for what you need and taking that time And I think what's really helpful and I've said this and I want to remind this to a lot of people out there if you are with a woman So the best things you can say is don't worry babe. I've got all night I'm not going anywhere. I can't wait best things you can say is, don't worry babe, I've got all night,

I'm not going anywhere, I can't wait to please you. Pleasing you gives me so much pleasure. It's really hot. Now lay back, I've got this. However you want to say that, helping women ease this anxiety so we can actually have the pleasure that we want. Because let's be honest, it's not always easy.

Our orgasms are like not as simple as men's, right? So we need a little bit more support from our partners. And yes, a lot of the work comes from quelling our own thoughts and our own anxieties. Because what happens is when we're really anxious about things, when our brain's just in this, doesn't part of what we're doing it, doesn't think I've gained weight or I don't feel so great,

our brain is caught up in this war of anxious thoughts, and it's literally impossible at that time when our brain is consumed to fully be in our bodies and fully allow us to experience that pleasure when our brain is just freaking out about all these other thoughts. We're essentially in that fight or flight mode where we're like, oh my god, I'm so anxious that it's going to happen to me and we can't rest into our bodies. So here's some tips to kind of eradicate that anxiety.

You know, I love this one. Touch yourself. Solo sex, that does help with everyday stress. It releases all those field-good chemicals and hormones through your body. And it's also a great way to learn what satisfies you, what turns you on. So then you could relate to your partner

when it's taking too long, or it's just your partner's just not quite getting it. You know, you are the expert of your own body. There is nobody else who knows your body as well as you do, but that takes some work. So when you figure that out, you can let them know. You can say, this is what I need because you've done that fun work of touching yourself.

Silence those negative thoughts, easier said than done. However, being confident in yourself is the biggest turn on to yourself and to others. Also, this is where I talk about the senses you guys. Engaging your senses on every level will help you feel more present in the mood. Relaxing with certain sense turns out essential oils. You know I'm a big fan of lighting candles, but essential oils, which I did not know, a lavender-centred massage candle can double as a relaxing to end a sultry foreplay treat. So I love a massage candle. It's a relaxing and a sultry for play treat.

So I love a massage candle, it's a two-fer. It smells great and then you pour the warm massage oil and lavender. It helps for a relaxing. I know lavender is great for relaxation like in spas and stuff, but to think about it in the moment during sex makes total sense. Finally, watch your breath. I'm telling you, when we are holding our breath, which we often do in more anxious, it's really hard to fully experience the range of sensations and pleasure that we should be

feeling. So when you feel that your breath is probably short and I'm telling you, usually when I check in with myself, it is during sex, I just take really long deep breaths. I like breathing really deep. I try to picture it going deep into my pelvic floor and then moving back up through my body. So it's a really deep inhale and exhale. And these will help you pull you out of that anxious place

and anchor you in your body. So we can get rid of all this anxiety. Okay, next up we've got monogamy, not what you think. So normal monogamy, what does that mean? So we are taught pretty much the only option we have here in America when I think about it for many other countries is that we sign up for monogamy because that's really our only option. We say we're going to be monogamous and we're going to live happily ever after.

But the truth is a lot of us blindly sign up for monogamy and we don't really think what that means because we make assumptions. Well, I'm sure my partner agrees that being monogamous means we're not going to sleep with anyone else, we're not going to have emotional affairs, we're not going to do anything that's going to hurt each other, even kissing somebody else or whatever it is, our partner will not do that. But the irony is that so many monogamous couples have never even talked about this. They've irony is, is that so many monogamous couples have never even talked about this. They've never said, are we on the same page

with what monogamy means? We don't negotiate, we don't talk about it. You know, just saying we're gonna be loyal isn't enough. So what I like about this is that when you really have the conversation, and here's a great example from the article, there's a therapist talking, and she said, her clients have surprised her.

She had a client who said, you know, that they were monogamous. And then after several months, they said, there, well, we had a threesome. And she said, well, I thought you're a monogamous. And they said, well, we are monogamous. And she was confused because she thought, what do you mean?

I thought you're a monogamous. And they said, no, we're monogamous. But we only have three ways together and are never sexual with others apart from each other. So you might not be in a threesome, but I'm just saying that there's different ways we all define it. So, let's talk about some other common ways that your partner could be dissenting from you or you guys might be in different pages. Some other ways to drill down is just to talk about the specifics. Now, one partner might think that looking at pornography is cheating.

One partner might think masturbating is cheating. One part of it, I think masturbating is betrayal. Another's think, well, if you're sexting or having cyber stacks out, ever meeting another person might also be cheating. I hear from a lot of you who are concerned about your partner's masturbation habits, you're like, why do they masturbate? They said they weren't going to. So these are all kind of fall under the,

what does monogamy mean to you umbrella? What I like about this is that many heterosexual couples have this assumed monogamy. But then what we see is they have their lives torn apart because of affairs and cheating. A lot of these couples have never even talked to openly about their sex life before the infidelity. They had a weight till something happened and they never talked about it. So that's why I think just opening up this topic and saying, you know, let's talk about

what our feelings are about monogamy. Let's really drill down and see, like, so you can find out if you're on the same page. And I think that you can make a contract. Let's talk to actually having a contract. I like the idea of having it not you know, to send it to your lawyer, but maybe it's just like a written document

that you both agree on and every year in your anniversary, you go over it and you're like, how does this feel to you? Is this still part of our commitment? This is still part of our vows. I mean, because we're all allowed to create whatever vows we want. And I think that couples can understand

that just being married or interrelations is enough to ensure monogamy, because we see this all the time with cheating and affairs. So if you guys can kind of drill down and talk about the stuff, I think it could really make a big difference. So in negotiating your contract, you might decide that maybe not the

first time you do, but maybe we want a question or not to me. Maybe we would like to open up the relationship or maybe there'd be a way we would, you know, play with another couple or something. And so I think when you do that, then you actually have your, you know, you have the rules and you have the agreement. And so I think that things in that agreement would be like, you want to make sure that you guarantee safe or sex. So if you're going to be with someone else, you would commit to like using condoms and using protection. And also this contract, you could renegotiate like I said every year and maintain dialogue. You know, I love this intentional dialogue where one partner is like receiving the information. Other is a sender. So when a partner is speaking and the other's listening,

you reflect back what was heard. You don't judge, you don't interrupt, you don't interact, and you use I statements. Like, I really want to commit to you that if something happens, I'm going to bring it up to you or that I'm not going to sleep with someone else without your knowledge. I won't sleep with any friends of ours

or whatever kind of rules you make. And then you listen to what they have to say. It's really a respectful form of communication where you can even repeat back what they're saying and write it down so you know that you're both on the same page. I just want to remind you that jealousy exists with monogamy or non-monogamy.

And in fact, there was a survey in this that says that people in monogamous relationships have way more jealousy and fewer tools to deal with that jealousy than people who are in non-monogamous relationships. So they're just like off the torture jealousy when there's often nothing to actually be jealous about because they don't have this dialogue.

So my bottom line of this is, if you haven't talked about some of these things, and you're just under the assumption that we both think the same thing, and I hope that you find out that you do, but how great to bring it up and have this new point of contact, this new way to start talking about your intimate relationship, because I think you'll really be surprised

at what other topics might come up that you've never explored before. I think whether you're in a long-term relationship or a short-term relationship, and I think it's helpful in both cases, in a long-term relationship, things might-term relationship, and I think it's helpful in both cases. In a long-term relationship, things might have changed or you're making assumptions, and in a new one, what better way to find out if you guys both actually think about monogamy in the same way.

So I like that idea of having contracts. I like that idea of just starting any kind of sex conversation with your partner because that will continue into your relationship and really fuel the sexual health of your entire relationship. And then finally, things you know about women in sex that are wrong. continue into your relationship and really fuel the sexual health of your entire relationship. And then finally, things you know about women in sex that are wrong. I always love some good sex myths and this is here some more. I think they lay out some really good ones.

So when's a Martin? She wrote a new book on true. One yearly, everything we believe about women, lust and infidelity is wrong and how new science can set us free. Martin deconstructs the basic building box of like everything we've ever learned about sex from the idea that men of higher sex drives than women and the belief that men are more likely to cheat. We've essentially inherited this cultural script.

We've been told this. We've been taught that men are more sexual. They have strong elevators. Monagamy is much harder for men. Men want the novelty and men are more visual. They crave all this exciting sexual experiences. After the study came out and it is science, they find out that this narrative that we all believed to be true has fallen apart and it's really no longer the case.

When I first started this, I remember one of the first things that blew my mind was that I assumed that women were always the ones who are more frigid to use a lack of a better word right now that women were like, oh no, I have a headache tonight dear. This is what we always saw. We saw this in movies and television and the guys were like, oh god, she's always got a headache. You know, men want more sex. I truly believed it. And now I've come to find out it's not true. But this is just one of those areas where that's actually science here backing us up. So another interesting point from this, female infidelity might be on the rise,

so we said researchers have believed that men are more likely to cheat than women, but this is based on some old study they did with frigging fruit flies. They did male flies versus female fruit flies and they decided that men are more likely to cheat. Guess what? That one really didn't hold any water, but what they found out now was that married women

in 2010 were 40% more likely to cheat than they were in 1990. Perhaps we've even evolved to be promiscuous. There's been a lot of evolutionary biology, a lot of books have talked about the fact that it might be beneficial for women to be promiscuous. I'm not encouraging it. I'm just saying this is why this is probably true because just getting more variety of sperm, like we're kind of hedging our bends against males,

they can be infertile. Men might be the one holding up the pregnancies as well. Now this is stuff that's been written about for decades, but the truth is we might just have evolved, we might be just as promiscuous, if not more than men. And another point here is long term relationships, maybe tougher women than they are for men. Here's another one of those things.

We always believe, and I do think this is a cultural norm that men are kind of just struggling through it. They want to have way more sexual partners than women, but this is a pretty interesting factor that men will be pretty happy in a long-term relationship if they're having sex regularly with their partner. But women in the aggregate are more likely to report sexual dissatisfaction and relationship dissatisfaction even if they're having sex with their long-term partners.

So this distinction is important. So it's saying basically, men are good in relationships long-term with their having regular sex, women, even if they're having that regular sex, they still might not be happy in the relationship. Also, that women are turned on by other women. They just are. We don't hear this from straight men a lot. Like, I am kind of turned on by that women we watch, female porn, and the spectrum, if you think about the Kinsey scale, we just women have been more sexually fluid. We have a wider sexual menu than men do and who were attracted to.

And it also goes on to say that, you know, we're more turned on by heterosexual porn, but also images of women and women having sex, images of men and men having sex, even been nobos having sex. So women, we have a very strong, women have a very strong desire for variety and for novelty and so that's why we might have some more struggles in

heterosexual relationships than we've been given credit for. So when finally you might like this little tidbit, women get erractions. So just some more clitoris debunking, it's not just that little button that you can see with your eyes. The clitoris is so much bigger than that. There's a rectal tissue around your urethra. You have a sponge near your anus called your perennial sponge. So we have these tissues beyond our labia

and it's all a rectal tissue. And, man, don't have this information, but women have this expansive organ that is completely designed for sexual pleasure. So I love laying out some debunking some myths and we can all have a better understanding of how we all work and how we can all work better together to have more mind-blowing sex. There's your sex in the news. Now I'm going to take quick break.

We're going to give a shout out to our sponsors who I love, we've got some fun new sponsors this month. Check them out, and I'll be back, and I'm answering your emails. Okay, guys, we're back with your emails. If you take a question, answer on the show, text Ask Emily, all one word to 7979. You fill the short form it'll get sent to your phone and then put yes if you'd like to be included in a call

show or go to sex at m a dot com click the ask Emily tab and include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show. This is from McKenzie 22 in Nebraska. Hey Emily I love your podcast and it's helped my sex life a lot. I'm kind of at an emotional crossroads so I'm hoping you can help. I love my boyfriend of two years so much. He's helped me grow as a person, learn to love myself, and we build a life together. We both have major trust issues. I've cheated on him before and he and me and I want to get past it, but I don't know

how. Anytime we argue, it seems like he brings up when I cheated and that's his way of our out of an argument and I feel like he never tries to see anything from my point of view, especially when he's been drinking. After drinking, he gets either really nice and sweet or can say some pretty hurtful things. I don't want to break up because when we're not finding we're so so good together. We never run out of things to talk about and he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and our sex life is great. I'm trying so hard to rebuild his trust in me, but I feel like every time we argue, we're way back to square one.

Any help is appreciated because I'm tired of feeling so awful after an argument. Thakes in advance. Okay, Mackenzie, trust is one of the hardest things, if not the hardest thing to rebuild in a relationship. Because it's a basic tenant too. I mean, we talk about being trust, being one of the building blocks of a healthy relationship. If you truly know you can trust your partner, when that is shattered, it doesn't just grow

back over time. There's all these unsolved issues. So you can't move forward. And when I'm confused here, I want to clarify, you're saying that you've forgiven him, but he's not forgiven you. So I'm curious why, and especially he's drunk he's still bringing it up. Is it because when he's drunk there's less inhibitions and that means that it's really bothering him all the time because I don't think it's a fair at all for him to keep throwing this infidelity into your face because you did decide to agree to each other and he's holding on to it plus he cheated on you. So it's a tit for tat. Also, the drinking habits, I'm telling you,

I know that way you lead that out. This seems kind of normal. You know, this seems like this is what you've learned to accept. We often sort of normalize patterns in our partners because we love them and we want it to feel okay. And so I'm just telling you after reading this, I had a red flag go up about his drinking because it can be really disconcerting

and definitely not relaxing at all to be with someone who you never know who's gonna show up after they've been drinking. Is it the guy who's gonna be attacking you for your past indiscretions or is he gonna be all loving and sweet? So anybody who's personality changes like that when they drink, just I want, just put a note in that

and have you to pay attention to it and see if that's something that also needs to be addressed. I know it's easier to hold on to like the good things and you love him and he makes you feel beautiful and sexy and all those things you know, I think are hugely, hugely important. But if you guys are in this toxic cycle and he keeps rehashing and rehashing it and you really love this guy and you want to be with him. I'm going to say you got to go to couples therapy because on your own it's really hard for couples to get past this without some extra help. So I think if you go see a counselor a few times, you'll be able to make some inroads into the trust issue. And once you do that, you'll be able to look at the other things in your relationship,

much clearer and see what else comes up for you or if it's just still smooth sailing after that. So let me know how it goes. Thanks, Mackenzie. This is from Jake, 40 in Arizona. Hey, Emily, I've been in a frustrating situation with my wife. My way for Fuse is to finish me orally. I have no problem at all orally finishing her even multiple times. It's really starting to bother me how she's never finished me all the way using her mouth.

I just don't think it's fair. How can I please her this way and she won't even do it once? Ideas? Help? Okay, Jake, few questions. We need to know what are the reasons why she won't finish you orally? Because I know for a lot of women they really just don't like the taste of semen. They're like, I cannot taste semen. Maybe her mouth starts to get tired. A lot of women, their jaw gets tired and, you know, it's just really hard for them to keep going. So, I need to understand those things first. If she doesn't like the semen or the taste of it, there's a lot of great, you know, flavored

loom she could use. If she's getting tired, hands, you guys. I think that a lot of people giving blow jobs forget that your hands are like your best friend. It doesn't have to be your mouth tiring out. In fact, the tip is the most sensitive part of the penis that a lot of, for a lot of people, if you're using your hands or even two hands

and your mouth, that is as efficient can be a sufficient killer blow job. So I think you have to ask your Jake in a blaming, non-shaming way, like, why it's important to you? And what you could do to make her more comfortable, gets more information from her, you know, say like, it feels so intimate and so hot. And when you actually like, you know, to feel my penis in your mouth and to like, have you finish like a fantasy of mine. So like, I understand you're not comfortable. Get, then every time she tells you why if she says I just don't you know you might be like well do you remember the first time you didn't was it ever something you like like just find out

there might have been for all I know this is a guess perhaps in her it's just an idea maybe in the past she was with a partner who forced her head down and made her get blow or you know wanted to get blowed up as she didn't. I mean, she choked and gagged once and women have experiences that will hold in man, that will hold on for a lifetime. So I think we need more information here. So I think once you get that information and let her know how much it means to you, I think, you know, if she loves you and you're together, she's good.

She's your wife. She's going to want to come around to it. I also want to know how's the rest of your sex life? It sounds like she's cool with you going down in her and she having orgasms from penetration is she having pleasure. So I think it's a great time next time you're going this up to say, baby, I know we've got this oral sex thing going on. You going down to me, but I've actually been really curious, you know, this is one of my challenges with us. What about yours? Find out from her. There might be some things that she's wanting as well that she's not getting. These all great way, like we talked about earlier, start the conversation.

Start the sexual conversation no matter how you do it, whether you're talking about, do define monogamy the same. Do you both want the same things at your sex life? Because once you start talking about it, you're not going to be able to stop in a really good way. It's going to be fun. It's going to be something that you build upon together to improve your sex life. Okay, this is from Jamie. He's 32 in the UK. Hey, Emily, I absolutely love your podcast, and I've been a regular listener for years. Anyway, a few days ago, I helped the daughter of some friends of our family move home I had never met her before. Long story short, we got an amazing laughing, joking, and she gave me right home.

She touched my arm a few times and asked my number. The problem is I'm 32 in a long-term relationship and I have a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter. She also has a young child and she's 48, although age doesn't bother me. I'm also in an unhappy relationship, but I've stayed in it purely for my daughter. I do love my partner, but I'm not in love with her. We've been together for over 11 years now, hardly any sex and when there is it's from my complaining. We've been counseling but it affects it didn't last long. We argue a lot. Is my fascination with this older lady just lust or a sign of something else? Every time I get a

text from her my heart skips a beat, we flirted, but nothing's gone further as of yet. I don't want to cheat on my partner, but this woman has given me feelings I've never had before. Help me please. Thank you for everything you do and give my love to the team. Oh, I will. I've got the best team ever. Love to the team.

And okay, so Jamie, I've heard the situation before. This is pretty typical that I think when we're in a relationship and we're just not having sex and we're not satisfied, and we've been with them for a while, and then we meet someone else. And they're like, everything our partner isn't, right? So I'm giving an example. So maybe this woman felt like she was super sexual and she was sexy and you were aroused by her and she seemed to understand, you know, having a kid and she wants to work out just like you do and go to the gym and she's also starting a business. So in your mind, you're like, she's the whole package because I'm going to

guess here, Jamie, that your wife, maybe she's not working on a new business or she's not as interested in the gym. So we tend to heal our current relationships in this future person that we think is going to happen. Like this person looks so great for you because she's checking off all the boxes of elements that you are missing from your current place. So she's just like this beacon of hope for you. It has nothing to do with this woman you met. That's what I'm gonna tell you.

She might possess a lot of things that you think you need, but what I think it's reflecting back to you is I'm craving these things in my partner that I love. I'm craving to feel like I have someone to share, you know, to feel sexy with again, and who's who shares some of my common interests. And it's just exciting, right? I mean, we all want to be distracted from our pain.

And so thinking that there's some shiny new happy person that's gonna do that feels great. However, cheating is not a good option, but neither is staying in an unhappy relationship. And I get it. When children are involved, you know, you want to do the best that you can to keep the family together. So I would say that I know you had therapy.

I know that you went a few times and you say the counseling, but it's effects didn't last long. Here's the thing about counseling. If you go three times or four times or even for a month and you guys have been together what, 11 years, it's not gonna work. It's like saying I went to the gym four times three years ago, I'm not in shape, right? So the thing about therapy and counseling

is you really gotta commit to it. You gotta commit to it as much as you commit to finding a solution in your relationship because it sounds to me like you still love your wife and you'd like to see the possibility of if you could really fall love again. And I'm not sure that you've tried that. I'm not sure that something that you really, where you're at now, gone to therapy and the

two of you can try to see if you can make it work. Because then you'll know that you've truly tried everything. At this final hour when someone's coming in or feels to you, it gets a final and you want to run off with her, this is the time when you stop and you turn back towards your wife and you say, what can we do together? And this is when you're honest. You don't have to tell about the other woman, but like, I'm really concerned. I really, you know, I'm in love with you. I mean, I love you. I love her. I love her. I mean, our child, what can we do? And then see if you could save for three months, let's commit to going therapy once a week and then see where you're

at. Because then you'll know, I've tried something different and we're not getting anywhere. But after three months of study therapy and study working on your issues, you're gonna know. So again, I don't think it's about this other woman and the lust that we all feel about some shiny new object, I think you really just got to get back into the relationship and figure out what you can do there. Before you do anything, you're going to regret. This is from Camille. She's 30 in Florida. Hey Emily, I have a G-Spot toy, and whenever I try to insert it, it hurts.

I've tried Lube using it on my clip before, so I would be excited, but by the time I insert into my vagina, it still hurts. What should I do? I've only had one partner till now, and I'm wondering if that has anything to do with it. Thank you for talking so openly about sex into such a responsible and educational manner. I've learned a lot from listening to you.

Thank you, Camille. Thank you so much for writing. Okay, so this is really common. I'm glad you brought this up because you guys so many women suffer from pain during sex. Like 80% of women experience pain at some point in their lives and some women just they normalize the pain and they've always had it. So it sums to me like this is nothing to do with the fact that you only had one partner. If you've had partners before and you've had pain or whenever you try to insert this story, you have pain. I think that that is something to look into. I did a wonderful show that was so educational.

I feel I believe like my listeners have gone crazy over it for good reason. It's called More Sex Less Pain with Heather Jeff Coat. And she is just a world-renowned expert on the pelvic floor and pain with sex. So there's a lot of great information in there that I think would really help you. Sounds like Valvodinia or Vegemismus, which results in from basically an over-actic pelvic floor. It's common for women. You might want to go see a pelvic floor physical therapist or a specialist or talk to your

gynecologist. I would definitely make it a point where someone and see if they can help you. Because if you're, sounds like you're doing the things by, you know, getting yourself turned on already and hopefully moving slow with a G spot toy. But if you have this pain, I think it's time to take a look and see what it's all about. Thank you for the question, Camille. Alright, this is from Lance, 32 in Michigan, my home state hay lance. Dear Emily, will a male sex toy do anything for my issues with PE or pre-witcher ejaculation

when I'm with a woman or will it just make me a better masturbator? I'm in a long distance relationship, but I want to be able to last longer when I finally get to see my girlfriend. I've heard of the flashlight S2U and the Maria Oswell which is a type of flashlight that are claiming to be close to the real thing. My hope is that I can practice increasing my stamina as I don't have a good track record for lasting longer in bed. My fears will get really good at masturbating but when I'm finally with my girlfriend,

it'll be a totally different feeling. I'll just get nervous and blow it again. Emily, what are your thoughts on the fake veg? You said, okay, the fleshlight, which they do say it looks and feels like the real deal, Lance, so yeah, it's a fake veg, I guess. I can feel that way. I haven't thought I've talked about fleshlates

in a world that I've worked at them for a long time. Many people love fleshlates. They really do. For men, just as a masturbation sleeve to kind of feel something different than your hands, the fleshlight S to you is the one that I would recommend. It can really help with PE. It does feel close to the real thing

as I'm told by all the penises in my life. And this is really about edging though. So edging is when you masturbate until you're about to orgasm. That you get to the point where you're like, ah, about to go over and then you stop. And then you breathe. And then you start again. And then you stop. And this is really a practice to get control of, to understand your ejaculatory control

and to get control of it. So once you understand, oh, this is when my body feels like it's going to go, I'm going to have that orgasm. You learn how to escalate and then de-escalate. It's truly a practice. And so I think that if you get the STU, the flush head STU and you actually commit to practicing, which I think is challenging, can be challenging at first for men because you're like, I just want to go, I want to have that orgasm.

But it doesn't take long for you to get in the groove, it actually feels really good to feel like you've finally got a hold on of it, a hold on your own ejaculation control. Also, kegels are great, I have an app called kegel camp. It reminds you to do them twice a day, if you'd like that, or once a day, and that can really help you,

when you build your pelvic floor muscles, it can help you learn how to control ejaculation. Also you guys, promise it, it's a quickly absorbing delay spray, FDA approved, the only FDA approved one that can help you last longer and better. When you do see your girlfriend, you wait between 10 and 15 minutes, it doesn't transfer to your partner and then you're good to go and for many people it helps them last twice as long and bad. I'm also wondering finally, if you've been in your head a lot about this,

I think we talk a lot about anxiety day. Men have it too. We worry is it going to happen? Is it going to happen? And what I find with a lot of men who talk about PE, it's because it might just happen once. It might happen once in a high school. And then you're carrying it around through a lifetime. Like it's going to happen.

It's going to happen. So the more that you can learn to kind of deal with your anxiety in the moment and kind of do mind tricks where you're not focusing on that, but you're focusing on how it feels or how beautiful your partner looks and being in your body and not the distracting thoughts of it's gonna happen. And you could practice doing that

while you're actually having sex. That could help you a lot. So P is not a deal break at all and it's definitely something that you can manage. So I love that you're going to get on top of this land before you see your partner. Great questions you guys. I love it. I love all your questions. We love hearing from you and thank you to everyone. Thanks to our amazing team. Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at suchwithmla.com.