Sex With Emily - Orgasm with a Capital O

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

Let the pulsations begin, because today’s episode is a love letter to your orgasm – and all the ways we can dose your body with pleasure. First, we’re helping you understand, anatomically, just what the hell is going on with the big O. And for my never-had-an-orgasm friends we’re going to give you techniques to help you get there. Finally, we’re offering tricks to elevate your orgasm, with everything from easy hacks to long-term rituals, to achieve the deep pleasure you crave. Plus we take all your orgasm questions! What to do when you can’t orgasm with your partner, how to break the habit of faking orgasms, how to bring back an orgasm that’s suddenly disappeared, and how to achieve the holy grail of multiple O’s. Show Notes:Shop w/ Emily The WomanizerWe-Vibe ToysDame ProductsThe Edging Guide Je Joue Kegel Ball SetBiohack Your Orgasm w/ Alisa VittiBellesa Try Quinn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I often say that the vagina is like the Rubik's cube of life. You know, it's internal. It's not easy to see or understand. Penis owners have a penis and it's stick it out and they can touch it. It's a lot easier, okay? So the struggle is real. I also want to say that only like 18% of Lovah owners are going to orgasm from vaginal sex alone. Okay?

So it does really take masturbation, understanding your body, getting comfortable with touch. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Let the pulsations begin because today's episode is a love letter to your orgasm. And all the ways we can dose your body with pleasure. First, we're helping you understand anatomically just what the hell is going on with the big O. And

from my never had an orgasm friends, we're going to give you techniques to help you get there. Finally, we're offering tricks to elevate your orgasm with everything from easy hacks to long-term rituals to achieve the deep pleasure you crave. Plus, obviously, we take your orgasm questions like what to do when you can't orgasm with a partner, how to break the habit of faking orgasms? Hey, I did it. So you can do itm with a partner, how to break the habit of faking orgasms? Hey, I did it. So you can do it too. I promise.

How to bring back an orgasm that suddenly disappear? Where did it go? And how to achieve the holy grail of multiple o's? Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could this episode help you?

Well, my intention is to demystify the physiology and psychology of orgasm because, listen, once you know how it works, you're going to have much more self-compassion, but you're also going to have more data which you can directly apply to your pleasure practice. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article, Ask Emily, I've never had an orgasm, is up at sexwithemily.com. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me, sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739.

Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh, you can also change your name or choose to remain anonymous. That's cool too. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode. All right, I hear from you all the time about orgasms and a lot of times you're going to state of desperation. Dr. Emily, help. I can't orgasm with my partner or help. I've never had orgasm before.

So before we get into it, I want to first reassure you that if you're one of these people, you're totally normal. You're not broken. Nothing's wrong with you. Just like our other body parts go through unique periods, like having an upset stomach or a breakout on your face. These moments can be frustrating, but they aren't permanent. So too with orgasms. So let's first talk about what's actually happening during orgasm.

So you can understand the connection between your brain, blood flow, and all those wonderful muscle contractions. First, we have the excitement phase. So the excitement phase is, you know, your heart rate, quick ins, your breathing is accelerated, your skin might become fleshed, your nipples become hard or erect. And this is when the blood flow, the blood flow to the gentle is increasing. So your clitoris is going to swell, labia, your man is going to get an erection. So this is when all the stuff's happening. Then we have the plateau phase

and this extends to right before orgasm. So this is when everything that I just talked about intensifies, so maybe your nipples get really wrecked, your clitoris really swells, your penis is gonna get a lot more erect and hard. And the vagina's gonna continue to swell, cause it's gonna have increased blood flow. And the vaginal walls might turn a different color.

Now, the clitoris is going to become really sensitive at this point. It might even become painful to touch. And you'll see that if you have a clitoral hood, that the clitoris will start to protrude out from the clitoral hood. The clitor hood is going to retract. So then the men's testicles or his balls are going to tighten. And either, no matter if your penis or vulva, you're going to realize that your breathing is going to quick in, your heart rate, blood pressure is going to increase.

You might even get muscle spasms. You know, when your feet are your face or your hands, there's like a lot of tingling going on. And then phase three, we have the next step is orgasm. Now the orgasm is the climax. That's the big part of the sexual response cycle. And typically orgasm doesn't last that long. And this is when there's going to be like the involuntary muscle contractions in your

pelvic floor area. Gamin, this goes for all genders, you just have to feel like a twitching, your blood pressure, your heart rate, your breathing. Like, those are really intense in their their highest rates. You're taking a lot of oxygen, you're breathing heavy, you might get muscles, spasms in your feet, and then you might feel like this forceful release of sexual tension, like you might have been holding your breath,

and then you just wanna release. For women, the muscles inside the vagina are gonna contract, you're gonna start to feel some contractions, this is your pelvic floor muscles working for you, and then, if you have a penis, this is also when you're going to ejaculate. All right, so then the final phase is the resolution. So this is when your body's gonna turn

to its normal level of functioning. If you are swelling or other body parts were erect, they're gonna go back to where they were at the beginning. Previous size and shape. When this happens, you're just gonna have a more general sense of well-being. You might feel closer to your partner. You might be tired. Now, some women have a shorter refractory period, which means that they might be able to have an orgasm again. And penis owners need some more recovery time after orgasm. They have a longer refractory period.

So those are the general stages. Just to kind of walk you through some changes that you can recognize in your body. And it's kind of fun to follow along if you're thinking I've never had one. What should I expect? But it is different for everybody and I'm going to get into that. So it's a really subjective experience. I'm just going to give you some guide posts here to help lead you down your orgasm path. So you just know that you're on the right track and then you're going to figure out what it is for you. But I'm gonna give you a lot of pointers here. So listen, if you've never had one

and you have a vulva, because again, I don't hear from many penis owners who've never had an orgasm. So what I do hear it from vulva owners and then their partners who are like, why can't my vulva owning partner have an orgasm? So let's get into it. You gotta train for it. Yes, there are some vulva owners who had intercourse, penetrative sex and they were able to have an orgasms. So let's get into it. You got to train for it. Yes, there are some vulva owners who had intercourse penetrative sex and they were able to have an

orgasm. But that is rare. And even if it does happen that way, I highly recommend masturbation to help develop our own neuro pathways to pleasure. Understand how you're going to have an orgasm. What works for you without the pressure of someone staring over your shoulder and saying, are you there yet? Are you there yet? It's really hard to have an orgasm for the first time when someone's just kind of waiting there and staring at you and trying to help. But you're like, I don't even know what I'm looking for. And culturally, there is this sort of social expectation that young penis owners, young

men, are going to start training their orgasms. They're going to start finding their orgasms younger than vulva owners, younger than young girls. And that's why we get this question. Because we have some ketchup to do. We glorify men masturbating and their penis is on the outside of their body. And there's just so many things that in media

that talk about, well, men are gonna masturbate. And women know we never see it anywhere. So it makes sense why so many vulva owners are still kind of trying to figure it out. There's also the orgasm gap. Let me remind you that there is a disparity and inequality in orgasms between vulva and penis owners. So for example, in heterosexual relationships,

penis owners take about four to six minutes to orgasm. Let's just say an average. A vulva owner takes between 10 and 40 minutes. I find that to be more like 15 to 20 and 40 minutes. That is a huge gap. And that's why there's such orgasm disparity. And there's also been studies show that time and time again, penises are just gonna orgasm.

It's not as hard for you. It's something you've been practicing for, and it's gonna happen. It might take you a little bit longer, and you might come before you want to, but you're going to orgasm. How do our sexual penis owners orgasm the most during sex? And amongst multiple owners pleasoners orgasm the most during sex?

And amongst vulva owners, lesbians orgasm the most. So that means that vulva to vulva, they know what's going on and they know how to please each other. So I hope that's inspiring to you because if you have a vulva and you have an orgasm yet, it just means that you need to be your own best partner right now. You need to be patient, you need to take the time with yourself. And I want to just remind you that only 20% of vulva owners orgasm during penetration.

That's important. Another reason why to focus on masturbation is you can explain to your partner, this is how I like to be touched. I really like oral sacs, this is how you can use your hands, but we got to be responsible for our own orgasms. You could also experiment with different toys and sensations. You can try using a vibrator. There's like an air pulser. Womanizer makes a great one. That's a really popular one and that stimulates oral sex.

There are some great toys by WeVive and Dame Products. Go to our website, check out our store at sexwithendly.com because I list there some of the best toys for masturbation and to get started. But remember this, please just be patient, please everybody, be patient, be patient and be consistent. Consistently try to masturbate, try to get to know your body, but know that it's going to

take time. And honestly, patience and consistency is the secret to success in most areas of your life. If you want to amp up your workout or team, you want to eat healthier. You gotta be patient with yourself because there's no such thing as fast results here. You're not going to instantly have an orgasm in the first time you masturbate, but if you stick with it and you're consistent and you're patient, it's going to happen. There's going to be a lot of pleasure coming from this show. Please don't focus on orgasm as the end goal.

So when you're taking the time to masturbate and figure out your body, be more mindful and think, I my only goal here is I want to explore my body. I want to figure out what feels good to me. That's what you got to do, okay? So how do you elevate your orgasm? How do you make your orgasm even better? I talk a lot about edging. We have a great edging guide on our site, a free downloadable guide that you can check out. But when I say edging, that helps both penis and vulva owners. And that's essentially the practice of having close to having an orgasm close to ejaculate

and close to climaxing. But then you stop the body from getting there. So the reason why edging is so cool is because it can help you prolong sexual activity, like people with penises, might edge to control ejaculation if they want to last longer, but it's also to achieve a really much more powerful and intense orgasm in the end. So essentially you're bringing yourself to the brink of an orgasm and then bring yourself back down and then you're bringing back up and then you're bringing back down. So it's like a sexual exercise and it's really, really effective because the more you stop yourself of orgasm and again this works for vulva

owners too, when it finally happens, it's going to be that much more intense. Oh and again, if you want to know more about edging, which I know a lot of you do, we've been edging 101 guide and that's at sexwithamily.com. Remember this, use 4-plates to your advantage. I know that you may have heard, oh yeah, 4play, foreplay, but we just get on to, you know, penetration. But there's so much that happens with foreplay. Like, you need it. Foreplay isn't just a suggestion.

It's actually a requirement. And think about it. Foreplay is sort of a combo of eroticism. You know, you're getting really hot and turned on and touch. So you need that stimulation of somebody, you and turning you on, but then the combination with touch is going to increase blood flow to your genitals. And the blood flow in your genitals is what's going to bring you to orgasm. And that's why a lot of penis owners and vulva owners have challenges around orgasm is

because something is restricted in their blood flow. Happens as we get older, happens with decline in hormones, can happen with certain medications. So it's important to figure out what four-play works for you. It could be being kissed on the neck. God, I love being kissed on the neck. Being touched on your forearm. It could be slowly undressing. It could be digital stimulation. You know, someone using their fingers, it could be dirty talk. You know, you get to kind of figure out what works for you. And sometimes I think foreplay can be the main event. I'm a fan of that. Another way to intensify your orgasms is caggle exercises. These are the orgasm muscles. For both vulva owners and penis owners, we all have pelvic floor muscles. And caggle is just that. It all have pelvic floor muscles, and Kaggle is just that.

It's a pelvic floor squeeze, so to practice, just pretend as though you're stopping the flow of urine. Hold it a beat and repeat. And you do that every day for like five minutes and you will have the most amazing and strong pelvic floor muscles. For vulva owners, you can buy some weights. I love Jeju makes a weighted keglet ball set

and you can just wear that around the house or when you're working out. And it absolutely strengthens your pelvic floor without actually having to do the keglet exercises. Hormones play a huge role in this. Pay attention to your cycle if you evolve in the days leading up to ovulation. Your body is giving you an orgasm assist

by sending more blood flow to your pelvic region in the days leading up to ovulation, your body is giving you an orgasm assist by sending more blood flow to your pelvic region in the days leading up to ovulation. So pay attention to your cycle and your flow. It tells us a lot about our sex life. We also did a great show with Elisa Vidi, VITTI, where she talks all about your sexual cycle and your hormones and your sex life, and it's fascinating. And remember, there's a lot of different kinds of orgasms.

For example, there's a clitoral orgasm, but you remember that you can't see the clitoral legs that reach up inside the body behind the vulva, and these also contribute to orgasm. There's 8,000 nerve endings. That's kind of how the majority of vulva owners are gonna have a clitoral orgasm. Then there's a G-spot orgasm with a G-area orgasm, and that's more internal in the clitoral orgasm. Then there's a g-spot orgasm with a g-area orgasm and that's more internal in the clitoral orgasm. Few inches inside the vagina up on the

upper wall of the vagina. When you have a clitoral orgasm, it's a lot easier to have a g-spot orgasm after because the areas were swelled more engorged. All right, blended orgasm. If you can handle two or three or four times the intensity of a pleasure of a regular orgasm, well, you'd love a blended orgasm. It's essentially a climax when more than one of our agents is being stimulated at the same time. So G-spot penetration, along with clitoral touching, is one way to experience it. It could also be vaginal penetration, along with clitoral or anal stimulation.

All of these work have a delicious blended orgasm. Then we have the penal orgasm is your classic orgasm for penis owners, typically, but not always leading to ejaculation. Then there's the prostate orgasm, also of penis owners. This occurs when the prostate is stimulated via the anus. Definitely try that out if you have a penis. And then there's a nipple gasm, fun fact

when the nipples are stimulated, oxytocin is released, which causes the same uterine and vatil contractions associated with orgasm. Yep, the nipples and the clitoris are also, when they are stimulated, they are reaching the same regions of the brain. So they're very closely related. Nipple orgasms are a lot more common than you think.

They just take a little time and a little focus. And remember, there's so many origin of zones. The ears, the neck, the elbows, the knees. They can also cause lots of pleasurable reactions when kissed and played with. So remember to play with all these areas. All right, everyone, on to your questions. This is from Karrissa, 26 years old. Hey, Dr. Emily, I just want to say I love your show,

it's helped with me grow so much. But recently I've been having a block when it comes to orgasms. I'm a 26 year old female. I've been with my male partner for a year and a half. In the beginning, the sex was amazing. He actually got me to climax every time. But one night, after drinks, we were having sex that I was unable to. I became frustrated because he was doing everything he normally does. And I was on the edge, but could never get there. Fast forward a week later, we had sex again, and I had a little orgasm for nothing compared to what I'm used to. Fast forward a week later, I tried to master it with a toy and had a very little orgasm again. Two days later, having sex with a partner, and then a little one.

What's wrong with me? Am I broken? Do I need to take a break from sex altogether? Help me! All right, Chris up. Well, let's just say this, a little orgasm is still an orgasm. Okay? So, there's nothing wrong with here. You're not broken, but I'm wondering, sometimes we put our orgasms on a pedestal. I call this de-fork recall that anything that happened in the past, we tend to remember

it as this amazing thing. So are you glorifying all your orgasms, just like we do with our acts, we think they're so amazing, and we forget all the drawbacks. Are you doing this with your orgasms, with your orgasms that much bigger? What was happening in the past is what I want to know. I also want to know this. I'm going to take your word for it that your orgasms are a little now and they're not as massive as they were in the past. So what we got to look at is, has anything changed in your relationship?

Number one, has anyone broken trust? Have you guys have had some disagreements? Has anything happened where you don't feel as safe in your current relationship? Because that is something that could impact your ability to have a bigger orgasm. How about your health? Has anything changed? Are you on any medications? Have you changed anything with the food you're eating? Are you exercising more or less? Do you have more stress in your life than you had before? Are you drinking more? Are you drinking less? Right? These are all the things that impact our ability to orgasm. You said one night after drinks, how many drinks? Because remember

this about our orgasm and our patterns of orgasm is that there's so many cases where penis owners, for example, the first time they have sex, they came too quickly, right? Premature adeculations, we call it. And then they were so terrified of that happening again that for years, every time they had sex, they became a delayed ejaculator, meaning it took them an hour to ejaculate. That's just one example. Or we got shame for genitals as a vulva owner. Someone said our vulva looked funny, and then we can never orgasm, we can't even get naked with the partner. So I want you to

look at all of these things. Was there anything that happened that might be impacting the last few weeks of your orgasm changing? Only you can answer that. I'd love to know Chris and I'm keeping posted. So take a look at it, break it down, talk to your partner, talk to yourself, journal about it, and see if you can kind of figure out the ways to rebuild your orgasm. Because remember, just as quickly as it changed, you can work on it and bring it back to not only where it was, where you want your orgasm to go, because so much of our orgasm changing, you're not having more or not having the orgasm when you want to has to do with our brains and our psychology and what's actually going on, what's our belief about ourself, what's our belief about orgasm. So those are

some things to think about and I'm here for you. Thanks, Chris. Let's talk about the psychology of orgasm. The good news here is that so much of what keeps us from orgasming is because of thoughts that we're having, our psychology, our beliefs about our bodies and our ability to orgasm, we kind of oblock ourselves. We are blocking ourselves, so just the same way we're blocking ourselves, we can learn to be present, to be mindful, to let go of thoughts that don't service about our bodies and about orgasms. I've talked about that a lot on the show, but really just learning how to be present,

to be mindful, to release negative beliefs about your body, talking to your partner about it, and learning to breathe. I mean, breathing is a huge part of orgasm. Remember, deep breathing, not shallow breathing, because the shallow breathing is sort of what naturally happens when we're aroused, but when you learn to breathe during sex, like deep, like breathing into your pelvic floor, where your ex-hels are longer

than your inhales, even for the count of three in your inhale and your ex-hels of four, that's all going to help circulate the energy in your body, take your focus off of your thoughts, and put it into your body, which is where the orgasm is happening. So, remember that. You're responsible for your own orgasm, and I believe we can all get there as many times as you want to. Just make it a practice. This is from Lisa38 in New York. Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show and I have a little secret. My partners think I'm having multiple orgasms in night, but at least half the time I am faking the first one or two and then orgasming it two or three. I'm very turned on with them, it's great for a

play and I can totally be in the moment. But what happens is when they think I've already orgasmed, well it adds to my arousal, so the second orgasm is actually the real deal. I also like seeing them orgasm I like the pace and the mood changing after they think I've orgasmed and I'm also a submissive who likes the idea that they're using my body which meant to do after I've finished because they feel like oh now I can focus on myself. I can focus on my own pleasure. Is it okay for me to continue to fake this first orgasm or do I need to get honest with them or try something else? Thank you. Lisa, you're not doing anything wrong here. Think you're like a pre-workout. I mean, a pre-workout is still kind of your workout, right? If you

stretch or you're kind of building up to your workout, you have a whole sax routine. It sounds like it's working for you. I also like to think that orgasms are all about variety. And because you're asking, it leads me to believe that you'd like to try something different as well. And I don't love the idea of faking. You know, you heard me say this. I think that we shouldn't fake orgasms. I think it's great to sort of be authentic and not have to be in your head and thinking

like, how do I orgasm right now? And usually we fake orgasms because we don't want upset our partner. We want them to feel like they are pleasing us. But the fact that you're actually getting to orgasm makes this a little bit more complex. But since orgasms all about variety and you're asking me, I believe that you don't feel so great about the faking it. If and when you're with a partner that you trust or you see them regularly, you say to them, I'd love to work on my arousal and my orgasm in a different way. I'd like to try something new. Let them know that you'd like to play up the submissive desires because you're submissive, right? And there's other ways to be submissive. Maybe he could dominate you verbally. He can actually say, I'm going to tell you when you can orgasm and when you can't.

That might really turn you on. He also dominate you physically, emotionally. You might want to be tied up. You might want to be spanked. There's a lot of different ways that you can experience as a submissive, incredible sex orgasm and arousal and all those things. So I would kind of play with that because it sounds like you've gotten into a routine with yourself. You know that it works, but you want to try something new. And it sounds like you're really on your own having your own experience. I want to remind everybody

that your orgasm and when you're with a partner is a great time for you to co-create your sexual experience. You don't have to be on your own in your head thinking about all the things you want to do to make it hot. You could actually enroll your partner in the experience and say, I've been really want to play with my edges a little bit. I want to play with my orgasm. Then they're invested in it. And then you're both in it together and you get to teach each other what you like and what turns both of you on, which is really to me, the ultimate pairing. Both of you are you with your partner, you know your rousal desire and orgasm cycles, and then you get to play and have fun with it. And then you're constantly

expanding and growing and learning more and more, so your sex life's not going to get boring. It won't get stale and you won't be in an orgasm routine or any other kind of routine. Because after a while, the routine is going to become wrote and a little bit stale, especially when it comes to your sex life. I'm going to do a quick break, but stick around. Afterward, far sponsors. I'm answering more of your emails.

Don't go away. Let's talk to Elisa 23 in New York City. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've never had an orgasm before. I masturbate regularly, I have several different vibrators and dildos, and I've gotten adventurous in the bedroom with my significant other the last two years. Sometimes I'm really close to orgasming and then suddenly it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall. It just disappears. I've gotten very frustrated with myself sexually.

Why can't I orgasm? What am I missing? All right, Alisa, thank you so much for your question. It's a very common question. So just I want to like normalize that for you and just so you understand that it's okay that you haven't had one. A lot of people at your age have never had one

because it takes a little bit of work. I often say that the vagina is like the rubik's cube of life. You know, it's internal. It's not easy to see or understand. Penis owners have a penis and it's stick it out and they can touch it. It's a lot easier, okay? So the struggle is real.

I also want to say that only like 18% of vulva owners are going to orgasm from vaginal sex alone, okay? So it does really take masturbation, understanding your body, getting comfortable with touch. And you say that you're masturbating regularly and using a lot of vibrators and dildos, which is great, but remember that our brain is the largest sex organ. How are you getting your brain warmed up for sex?

Are you thinking erotic thoughts? That's what I recommend. You can listen to audio-radica, you can watch porn, like Bolesa makes some great female-friendly porn, try Quinn does some audio-radica which is great. Think about things that turn you on. You have a core erotic theme and you want to make sure that you are in an environment where you can actually relax. Just take time exploring your body. Maybe take a bath, the warm water from a bath, and just kind of start to touch your body everywhere. Don't go right for your

channels. Like, think about it as seducing yourself. Moving your finger slowly over your body and just figuring out like what feels good to you. And then bring the vibrators in, but I would say once you start warming yourself up, you definitely want to have Lou Bhandi. Lou is great addition to masturbation. I recommend it, because remember our clitoris is not going to lubricate itself, and vulva owners are more likely to orgasm when you add Loub the situation. So you get a turn on your vibrator and start to use it all over your body. Start to feel how it feels in your neck, your nipples, drag it down your stomach, and then you start to tease yourself.

Use it in your inner thighs. Start to use it on your outer labia, your inner labia, and then you can sort of move it over your clitoris. And remember to breathe. Breathing is a huge part of orgasm. Sometimes we hold our breath, we tense up, we constrict. But the more you can focus on, actually feeling good in the moment. And then breathing into it, oh, I kind of liked how the vibrator felt, I might outer thigh. Maybe I'll leave it there for a moment longer.

Maybe I should slow down and just really pay attention to what I'm noticing and what I'm feeling. And that's really where we start to learn and become experts in our own body. And then, you know, it takes a little bit of time. You might not have the orgasm the first time you start slowing it down, but it's going to happen if you are consistent. I would even say maybe once a week, you spend time with yourself understanding your body, doing this exercise of mindful masturbation,

which is what I'm all about. Being mindful, being present with your body, body wisdom, and noticing what feels good to you. Then you can bring this into your partner, and then you can say, you know what I've been working on? Some masturbation. Maybe we can use some mutual masturbation. Maybe you want to, I want to show you what I'm doing, and then he's going to get out

with your plan. Then he's going to see what you're doing. And then he can mimic that. Oh, you really liked your nipples touch. You hold the vibrator this way. Maybe I should hold the vibrator the way you're showing me. And then it becomes a shared experience. Listen, if you've a partner, it's so much better to bring them into this experience. But if you've never orgasm, which is why emphasizing a lot of this work, you do on your own, and then you bring it into the relationship. And you can do it simultaneously. You can self-your masturbation nights, and then tell your partner about it. Then he'll be more on board, probably, with learning along with you rather than feeling like he's got to figure it out in his own,

or you show up for sex, and it's like, now he's in charge of the vibrator. Make this a shared goal, make this a shared experience, and I promise you, you'll be more likely to get there to have your orgasm and have a lot more fun doing so. This is from Caitlin, 32 in Texas. Hey Dr. Ebbly, I love SWE. The only way I can orgasm with a partner is by using a vibrator. I'm wondering if I'm missing out on some kind of untapped pleasure with partner sex. I feel very comfortable with my sexuality. I've gotten my masters in

psychology, and I'm a couple years in starting a private practice as a sex coach. I'm a stripper, and I have a show in Portab where we watch and make fun of porn. All that being said, I'm comfortable with my sexuality and read research a ton, but still have issues with this. Not ashamed of vibrators, and I feel bad about my part or pleasing me, and I've had some really good oral and finger sex, finger play, mass weight all the time. Take breaks for vibrators, all that. But I would just be honored to get your opinion on this.

Thank you so much. Alright, so it sounds like you're doing all the things. Caitlin, and this is a really common question. First off, let me just remind you this. There is no shame in orgasming with a vibrator only. Okay, let me just normalize that for a minute. They're getting to the same place, you're having an orgasm, right?

Like use calculator function on your phone, right? You're not actually sitting there adding up numbers and doing long division. You're not even using a calculator, use the calculator function on your phone. It's so much easier now. What I'm saying is either way, you're getting to the answer. It's pretty cool if you know how to do long division and carry over the one. Do people still do that stuff? But doesn't matter. Like you're getting your answer. It's quick. That's why we have technology. And we use advancements in technology

in every area of our life, and we don't doubt it. But with sex, we think, oh, I have to use a vibrator. Does it make it less than? And I'm telling you, no, how does it feel? Does it feel good? Great. However, let's talk about this. I do think there's something wonderful to exploring

and learning about your orgasmic potential and bring in the vibrator back when you want to, but really just kind of slowing down and getting curious and not going right for your genitals and seducing yourself and taking time. I'm going to stop repeating some stuff in this show, but it's because I really want you all to understand that so much of great sex, so much of great orgasm, so much of knowing your body is a slowness and is a patience and a consistency.

It's not a hit or quit it. It's not a way of bam, thank you, man. It's not you're just gonna not gonna plug in and understand it if you've been using a vibrator your whole life, watching porn every time you have sex. You're only used to orgasming in a certain way with your left hand and not your right life. Watching porn every time you have sex, you're only used to orgasm and being in a certain way with your left hand and not your right hand. We all have certain patterns of how we do things and to rewind those patterns, to

undo those patterns and to fire different synapses in the brain, it takes some learning and so it takes again patience. So I would start from square one I would say like okay I'm not gonna use a vibrator right now but I'm gonna take my hands and I'm gonna gently rub over my body would say like, okay, I'm not going to use a vibrator right now, but I'm going to take my hands, I'm going to gently rub over my body, I'm going to use body oil, I'm going to engage all my senses, I'm going to lay the candle that smells really good, I'm going to play a playlist that just really turns me on. And it's about lighting and the atmosphere, create atmosphere where you feel safe to explore your body. And again, in this slowing down and breathing and having a truly embodied, which means in your body, somatic experience,

I think we can all learn from this. We can all learn to really notice, what am I feeling in my body? What's turning me on right now? Do I like a tapping around my clitoris? Do I like to tap? Do I like to stroke? Do I like a light touch? Do I like a firmer touch? Do I want to masturbate with a piece of clothing over my body? Over my clitoris or over my vulva sometimes that feels really good to play with fabrics. I welcome you to explore and to have fun with this process of learning to orgasm without a vibrator. But again, no practice if you want to bring the vibrator in after a few moments or after 20 minutes, that's fine too.

But I recommend everybody to just sort of practice mindful masturbation, practice exploring without the goal of orgasm, practice masturbation without the goal of orgasm, and the goal simply here is exploration. And that's why I encourage you to do a Katelyn. KC24 in Arkansas. Hi Dr. Emily, I've been sitting with my significant other for around nine months now, and I'm still having trouble orgasming during sex. I'm incredibly tracked to him, have no problem getting turd on by him during 4 played

otherwise, but even I try to coach him and show him what I like. I even have him do what I do when I pleasure myself, I still can't seem to climax. I feel like I found myself trying so hard to orgasm and I've stopped actually enjoying sex. Like I used to when orgasming wasn't as much of a goal. Any tips? Thanks so much. I'll say it again.

Remember, our brain is our largest sex organ. And our brains are going to keep us from having orgasms many times because we're so in our heads and we're worried about orgasming that we can't get there. Goal oriented sex is way less fun. It puts added pressure on you and your partner. It's kind of like hearing from couples or trying to have a baby. And so they have to have sex

during times and months in a 40-hour period. And then they want to know why sex isn't fun anymore. We put a goal or condition on sex, we take away the spontaneity. So what I would say is that like, what are other creative ways that you can play together? What are ways that you can have fun together? I'm not sure if you've ever orgasmed in the past with a partner, but I want to remind you

that only 20% of all the owners are actually going to have an orgasm from penetration. So you might just be one of the ones who doesn't and that's fine too. I'm wondering if you've had orgasms with your partner in other ways or all sex, touching, all that. So I mean, I want to make sure you've actually had orgasms on your own because remember you guys, there are some people who have orgasms during intercourse and that happens and maybe you've never masturbated some of those vulva owners. But for many of the majority of vulva owners, we need to do the work on our own, understanding our bodies, what feels good, all that. But going back to you and your partner, you know, if you're both so focused on, oh,

we got to orgasm and is it going to happen? Is it not? That's going to make the fun out of for both of you. So I really urge you both to kind of make this fun again and say, let's really get into the moment. Like, let's really get into the moment. Let's practice being mindful, and that's when you focus on the five senses. So I encourage you to think about scent, think about sight, think about taste, think about sound, and think about touch.

So for scent, let it candle in the room, like, is there a candle or a certain scent that kind of ground you makes you feel good? So once you focus on all of your senses, this is when in the room. Is there a candle or a certain scent that kind of ground you makes you feel good? So once you focus on all of your senses, this is when in the moment with your partner, you say we're both going to focus on our senses because when we are grounded in the moment focusing on our five senses, we can't be elsewhere. You can't be thinking about orgasm in the future. You can't be thinking about anything in the past. You have to be present. So once you incorporate all those, you're like, okay, what am I smelling? I'm smelling this candle that I love. What am I seeing?

I'm seeing my partner's sexy body. What am I feeling? My hands are my partner's waist or, you know, they're touching my body and I'm feeling the way my skin feels beneath my hands as I'm trying to touch myself. What am I tasting? Maybe you're tasting your partner's lips or maybe you're still tasting what you had for dinner. You know, you're hearing either your breath and you're tasting your partner's lips or maybe you're still tasting what you had for dinner. You know, you're hearing either your breath and you're hearing your favorite playlist.

But once you just keep cycling through all five senses, you might have to do it a few times. You'll realize that it really grounds you in the moment and those thoughts of goal-oriented wire-and-eye orgasming, why are you going to go away? They just disappear because they can't exist in the same moment that you're present. And you'll find that once you're present with your partner and you remember to breathe because breathing is so important. Then you'll be more likely to be present with the experience and be able to notice what's happening in your body and

feel what's happening in your body. So it'll be more likely to orgasm and to just feel pleasure. Maybe there's just more pleasure that I want you to feel during sex right now. Maybe that should be your goal. I want to feel everything that's happening. I want to feel my nerve ending stimulated. This is all practice because most of us

are in our heads all the time, all day, every day. I'm asking all of you to practice a more embodied, present experience with what's happening in the moment, in your body, whether your partner is there or not. All right, Casey, thanks so much for your email. This is from Katrina 32 in Colorado. Hey, Dr. Emily, can you do a podcast or post about only being able to orgasm once during sex

for females? In the past, with my vibrator, I've been able to orgasm up to 9 times in a row. However, having sex, I can only orgasm one time. I pardon, I would really like it if I could orgasm multiple times. Thank you. All right, well, now you're bringing up the main difference between penis and vulva owners orgasms. And that is the refractory period. For vulva owners, it's way shorter. We are blessed with the ability to easily achieve multiple orgasms.

If you have a penis, well, it can take you a little bit longer. You might not be able to go and have another and another and another as quickly. So when you say multiple orgasms, and it's when you guys remember that refers to usually successive orgasms during a single sexual encounter. You might have three orgasms, it's when you guys remember that refers to usually successive orgasms during a single sexual encounter. You might have three orgasms in a day, but when I'm talking about multiples, we're talking about it's an asexual encounter.

And the good news is that I believe that if you have a vagina and a clitoris, you're pretty primed. You're probably likely to be able to have multiple orgasms. And again, that goes back to our fractured period. So it might be a moment for vulva owners right after you've been orgasm when your clitoris is super sensitive. You know, I don't want to be touched. And then after that, you're like, after a few minutes or, you know, 30 seconds, you're like, oh, I can take touch again. For penis owners again, it could be a little bit longer and they don't want their genitals touched again at all. So the clitoris might only be admitted to before can handle more stimulation. So here's the tips for multiple

orgasms. First thing is you want to figure out make sure that you can orgasm once and it sounds like you can. Then after the first orgasm, you just want to switch up your stimulation because remember let's even orgasm from rubbing your clitoris or from intercourse. Usually you don't want to keep going that way. You just want to take a break. It might be just your body is too sensitive. So try different kinds.

That might be moving your hands or your partner's hands to your nipples, or your partner kisses you everywhere in your body but the genitals but the clitoris. And then you want to continue to breathe. So you continue to breathe while your partner is switching up the stimulation and kissing you and moving around other parts of your body. Now, you might have a clitoris who actually craves some even though it's sensitive, you might want to keep going, keep going.

And that's something you have to figure out in your own. Remember, we're all different. So let me just say that. For many love owners who want to take the pressure off our clitoris, for some, it like hurts, but you want to keep going and that's good too. So you just got to experiment. The next thing you might do is take the pressure off yourself because if you're thinking oh

my god am I going to organize them again? Is it going to happen? Is my partner pressureing me? It's not going to happen. And in fact nothing's going to happen during sex if you're putting pressure on yourself. Okay. Nothing is going to happen during sex if you have putting pressure on yourself. Okay? Nothing is going to happen during sex if you pressure on yourself to do it. When our brains are thinking stuff or pressuring us or saying why aren't you orgasm? You didn't orgasm yet. You orgasm too quickly.

It's just not our friend during sex. Next thing you want to do is bring in your pelvic floor. If you focus on your kegge muscles, your PC muscles, which is the muscles that will be responsible orgasm, and you kind of pump those, put your hand over your entire vulva area, where you can pulse contractions while squeezing your thighs together and just play with that whole area, you might be able to increase and intensify orgasmic contractions and feel more waves of pleasure because that's where the orgasms are coming from most time. So the more you apply pressure to them,

practice your kegels, do them in that moment or you have strong kegel muscles, you're sort of pumping them and you're increasing and enhancing your ability to have another orgasm. Next thing you wanna do is focus on your breathing. Remember you have to breathe. Sometimes we unconsciously hold our breath while building up to orgasm. But when you're breathing like slowly and purposefully and you're deeply like,

especially when you're in these keg muscles and you're breathing in deep and you're picturing your breath moving down to your pelvic floor all the while you're working together and you're being mindful of what you're experiencing, you're more likely to have another orgasm. I remember, don't be shy about using toys in this moment. I know you said that it's worked for you that you've had multiples using toys, but you want to be able to use it with your partner. If you already had one with your partner and you want to try toys, don't be ashamed of bringing in some toys at all. I'm giving you all the ingredients

for multiple orgasms, then you can try any one of these, you can try all of these and see what happens for you. You can also try new positions. Maybe there's one position that works for you for one of them, but you'd be surprised to find out, well, if I get on the bottom now, I can always orgasm on top, but after I have an orgasm, I'm much more engorged. My entire vulva is more swollen. That when I'm actually on bottom now, I'm more likely to orgasm. So play different positions. Now for many vulva owners, their first orgasm might be a literal orgasm.

But after you have a literal orgasm, remember that your internal or your G-spot becomes much more aroused in the blood rushes to that area, so it might be easier for you to orgasm in different positions. And maybe it's a position that allows for deeper penetration. So maybe it's doggy style, maybe it's reverse cowgirl, maybe it's playing with edges on the bed or using a pillow under your butt because it allows for deeper penetration. So again, your body is changing throughout this whole cycle after you've had one orgasm, it's changing and you're becoming even more aroused. So just play around. And I just want to remind everybody, remember to have fun

with this because one orgasm is fine and there's nothing wrong with you. So don't be afraid to say, you know what? It's not happening today. Maybe we try again tomorrow. Oh, and remember, don't forget the Lou. This is from Corey, 30 in Philadelphia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a male, and I've been having trouble orgasming.

It could take me a while to finish. Sometimes over an hour, I've been dating my girlfriend for about six, seven months. I'm pretty comfortable with her, and I like her a lot. It also happened in prior relationships. I feel as though 50% of the time I'm able to orgasm in 50% not either it takes too long and I'm not able to and even after trying different

positions and things, I found that one position works best so I stick with that, but then that doesn't even work. I feel like a sensation issue, like maybe I lost some sensation down there. Not sure if masturbating caused it. Sometimes I feel like the sensation issue, like maybe I lost some sensation down there. Not sure if masturbating caused it, sometimes I feel like the tip is almost numb. I've tried to go a while without masturbating hoping that it helps.

And it has a little bit, but sometimes I still can't finish. I never had an issue with this masturbating alone, only with sex. I'm looking for some advice I want to do to build that sensation back. I've gone to doctors, had my testosterone levels checked, which was fine. Desperate for help. Thank you, Dr. Emily. Thank you so much for your email, Corey. Now, this is something that we like to call delayed ejaculation. It's very common or it's been called impaired ejaculation. Basically, it means it takes prolonged periods of sexual stimulation for a penis owner to ejaculate. Now a lot of penis owners can experience a late ejaculation

from time to time, but for others it's a life long challenge. And the symptoms of it, well, you can take anywhere between like 45 minutes to an hour to ejaculate with a partner. And just like you, Corey, many of them talk about the fact that they can do it during masturbation, but they can't do it with a partner. Now, there are things that can cause lead ejaculation, but it is sort of a mystery. Definitely check medications, but you said you went to a doctor, but let me just tell you, for people listening, it could be antidepressants and psychotics, blood pressure medication, alcohol. Remember, you guys, a lot of alcohol can really impact your ability to ejaculate.

It's completely normal that this could happen for some penis almost time to time, but we're talking about the delayed ejaculation. Now, what happens is with delayed ejaculation, you don't really look at why it's happening, and you're like, just fix it, just fix it, just fix it, but you really have to think about the why, like, what, like, and let me help you unpack it here. A few reasons why this might happen is, baby maybe you're having sexual fantasies or you're watching a lot of porn, that's more exciting to you than the actual sex that you're having, okay? And then your body's getting trained to watching a certain kind of porn,

fantasizing about a certain part of porn. And so it's a visual aid, and so when you're actually with a partner, you're just not able to match it, which is why there's a lot of people who have to be watching porn even during partner sex. And not just for the fun, titillating, hey, let's watch porn tonight, honey, really like it's your requirement. So there's levels of a rousal that differ when you're watching porn, for example, or with a partner. So you just need to kind of learn to move away from porn for a bit and focus on the sensations that you're having with your partner.

Now, there could be another thing that happens. It could be there's a technique. There's a certain technique that you were using during masturbation that's not being used during partner sex. And this could happen with vulva owners as well. There's like a way that you're holding your hand. You're really, there's a tight grip on your penis.

Or you are sitting in a certain way that you just can't quite mimic during partner sex. And so your body and your brain are learning one specific way to orgasm. And so that's something you gotta look at as well. And then the last thing is anxiety and performance anxiety. We don't talk about this enough at all, but there's so much pressure of penis owners to be like,

I have sex, I'm always ready to go, I'm always hard, and I'm always gonna ejaculate. Well, that's not the case for so many penis owners, and that puts a lot of pressure on them. And it's sort of like also there's a lot of ways that we portray the male orgasm as the end of sex. And then if you feel like, well, I can ejaculate, well then you feel like you're not really being a man.

And so it is a problem. And so it could be any one of these things that I remember if it is anxiety and you are worried about it, then we need to kind of go scroll back the tapes of like, why is this happening? Where is this pressure happening? How can you learn to become more in touch with your body during masturbation? Then maybe you need to like switch it up.

If you always use your left hand, use your right hand. If you're always watching porn, then you can ease yourself away from the porn and say, I'm just going to focus on my body. I'm going to be present and mindful with touch. I'm going to seduce myself. You got to focus on rewiring your brain towards a new way of pleasure. And you got to be patient. Remember, so much of learning to orgasm and undue stuff in the past is patience and consistency and being open to exploration without the goal of orgasm. Now I know you want to be able to orgasm here

with a partner and you want to be able to orgasm quicker. But again, if any of these spoke to you, it's all going to be going back and learning your body and your own way that you would ejaculate whether it's again switching up left hand for right hand, not watching porn and getting into your experience, thinking about some erotic times that you've had and not using all of these aids, just kind of going back to the basics. And then slowly, over time, you can learn how to rewire your brain, have more pleasure with yourself, and with a partner. And remember, if you're a related jack later, I also know this is hard because a lot of times

you're with partners who think, what's wrong with me? Am I not sexy enough? Am I not turned you on enough? What am I doing wrong? And we have to reassure our partners that it's not about them. It's like, because I think that we're trained to think like, well, if you're a partner, you're not ejaculating, it must be me.

So bringing your partner into this and say, you know, I'm trying something new. I'm playing with a new grip. I'm playing with a new way of touching and then bring them into the experience because we don't have to all be in charge of our own sexuality. Like we're definitely responsible for our own orgasm and getting to the bottom of all of the stuff. But once we figure out there's a new plan we're working on, we can also bring our partners into it. So it's a shared experience rather than like a lonely, trying to rewire your brain kind of experience. Okay? So it's definitely going to be much more likely when we're with a trusted partner that respects us and we

respect and they want us to experience pleasure. And in my mind, those are really really kind of partners we want to be with. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every listed to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemle.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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