Sex With Emily - Orgasms & Coital Confidence

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is discussing if having the “traditional family” is right for you – as well as taking your calls & emails to help get you on the right track in your relationships and the bedroom. She debates the question: to have kids or not to have kids and why either path is okay to choose. Plus, she gives advice on what to do if you can only orgasm under specific conditions, how to convince yourself that you’re as attractive and amazing as everyone else says, and whether or not it’s a good idea to ask for a “hall pass” in your relationship. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: PlusOne and SiriusXM.  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about whether the decision to have the traditional family is right for you, as well as taking your calls and emails to help you get on the right track in your relationships and the bedroom. Topics include to have kids or not to have kids. That is the question, and only you can provide the answer, and either is totally okay. So everyone else thinks you're attractive and amazing, but how do you convince yourself? What to do if you need very specific conditions to concentrate on your orgasms and whether

or not it's a good idea to ask for a hall pass in your relationship? All this and more, thanks for listening! Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, what do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Check out sex with Emily.com. We love when you comment and subscribe on iTunes.

The comments and reviews really help us and we appreciate it so much and you can also find us wherever you listen to podcasts. Plus, you can find me on SiriusXM Radio, stars channel 109. I'm there. Weekdays, Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 Pacific 8 to 10 East. If you want a free 30-day trial, visit sexwithemily.com slash SXM, or you can still call it a show for advice whether you have it or not. Triple 8, 9, 4, 7, 8, 2, 7, 7.

As always, follow us on social media. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, we're going to be doing some giveaways, so I know you don't want to miss those. So check us out at Sex with Emily, and I hope you enjoyed the show. Hello everyone, happy Tuesday, even though it feels like Thursday or Friday. That's what happens in your work all weekend. You know, intensive work. We talked a lot about yesterday's shows at a very important sex toy trade show for two days, which actually is as fun as it sounds, but it is still work. Yesterday's show, which you know, you can find all of them on demand on the series XM app,

which is cool. We had some guests on the show. We had a lot of guests on the show, James. Most guests we've ever had in the room. I know. It was fun, though. Everyone was so excited, and they were coming around. I've never seen the room at maximum occupancy before.

It was maximum occupancy. We had our friends from Wevi Bomb, which are toys that we love, and then Cheyenne Dan, and they're a couple who essentially run and own Magic Wand, which has been a toy vibrating massager that's been around for 50 years. We had them on, and they were talking about the Magic Wand and the legend of the wand. I've known them forever. I've known them since I started. I probably met them 14 years ago and they were my first sponsors. And so afterwards we went to dinner, went to dinner with myself and Ken,

my CEO, who's also here, who might want to talk. Hello. I know he wants to talk. Shut up. The fact that he wants to talk, I was don't want him to talk. No, it's why I don't say anything. I know. I'm like, you all speak when I tell you.

So we had dinner with Shane Dan after we went to Republic, which is one of my favorite restaurants in Los Angeles And the second we sat down I was a few minutes late because I had to finish up the show stuff But we got there and I was like So what's your deal like how did you because I never sat down with them one-on-one and had dinner two-on-one had dinner And really got to learn about them and they've been there and they're so happy. And I thought they were at least 15 years younger than they are. They're both in their mid 50s, mid late 50s. They've been together 31 years.

Oh, wow. And the business together, all these things, and they were so happy. And he was saying to me, they live in two places. They're a nap other also in Southern California. And he was describing to me like they live in two places. There are a nap other also in Southern California. And he was describing to me like this, this perfect day they had. And he was saying, yeah, we took a bike ride

and then we had a great meal, had some wine, and then we were back and had incredible sex. And I was like, back up, first of all, I wish we talked about your sex, I fun the show. Because any couple has been together 31 years and he leads with the amazing sex. I was like, well, but then I was like, well, wait, do you guys have kids?

And he's like, oh, no, no, we chose not to have kids. And it got me thinking about relationships, people who decide to have kids and don't have kids. And I've decided not to have kids. I've always, I never had that, that urge to have children, like from a young age and I, and I was, I was open, I thought, well, you know, if that urge hits me, that biological

clock, which I don't really think is a real thing, but if it starts, if it starts taking, if it does, I'll have kids, but that just was never, never my thing. And I was never felt the pressure from family. A lot of people do feel societal pressure or, or they just feel it that they want to. And I thought, you know, what's interesting, I know a lot of couples who don't have kids. And they're not walking around regretting it. I also don't know who people who have kids who are walking around regretting that either. So I think there's a really interesting discussion around like having kids, the decision to

have kids, because now people are deciding not to have kids more and more, but also having kids and how that impacts your relationship. But I also thought being a woman and deciding not to have kids has been kind of an interesting thing because I feel like people make these assumptions that if I don't have kids,

I'm gonna have them soon. Like, like when they feel bad. Like so do you have kids? I'm like no, I'm like oh So then I feel like I have to explain it. I used to say oh, but don't worry. I love kids like like I'm a bet like Who doesn't love kids like I have to sort of explain myself and now which is like you know No, I've chosen that was not anything that ever spoke to me, you know having kids So but I do feel like there is a stigma that still exists around people deciding not to have children.

It's the people feel like it's like your duty on the planet. Like that is why we should procreate. That's why we're here. Yeah, my, my mom even told me once because she's cool with it now. I've had to tell her many times. I'm like, I'm not giving you 100%, but I'm giving you 99%. I'm not gonna have children. And she's like, I don't know.

Don't you think that's kind of selfish? I'm like, selfish to who? Yeah, I don't understand. I mean, this is what I don't understand about that argument. I mean, I think it's more selfish to have kids because then it's just like more resources that we're taking up and all these things in

and there's so many people that kids that need to get adopted and things like that And I'm not saying like I think it's great if you decide to have them like go for it of course Of course like we still want to we still do need people I guess of course We still need to you know, I got it But I think that there are a lot of things too is you know is the feeling that I have to defend myself But I don't really feel that way anymore, but I also, I mean, it's been years now, but I feel like we don't see a ton of healthy role models

of women and men without kids, especially women, I guess I always think of Oprah, which is I'm not having kids, I'm going to run the largest empire in the world, which I guess I've always felt that about my job, like I don't know if you can have it all, I think it really is tricky to be like an incredible mom and have a business.

And since I do everything all in, I never understood how I would be able to have a startup company for the last 14 years and have a child without outsourcing one of them. And you can't have a great company and amazing kids, I think, if you outsource. I mean, I do that. I mean, it's because I know there's people out there

that can say like, yes, you can have it all and do it all, but then at the end of the day, if you're putting everything into your job and everything into your kids, what's left for yourself? Well, exactly. Well, that's exactly it. There is. And even then, even having just having a business, it's hard to have time for self care and self-love and all those things. It's also a little bit about timing too because there are people and women that they have kids younger in life and then when the kids go to college, they have the second half or

the third part of their life where we are in a new career and they thrive in that way. There's many people that do that. Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. Part of me wishes that I wasn't of the generation that I had choices. Like, I think now you're a millennial generation. Yeah. You guys are not gonna have as many kids. I think we're already seeing that.

You're not even committing. You're not even, you're having sex. Not as in love. There aren't a few many people in relationship. So the world is changing, but I feel like I was the first of all my mom's friends kid, you know, a group of Michigan. So everybody there, I was the only one of our friends kids who didn't chose not to have children.

But I think it's definitely changing. But I think if I had, at some times I wish we have, we think we have too many choices in the sense of, because now people are delaying children and having them later, like in their 30s and 40s, so then that's even harder too, because then your older parents, so having kids younger does make sense to me, because then you can get divorced and still have a whole life.

That's not, let me just clarify. Oh, that was in your point. No, no, absolutely. That's gonna happen, I think. If you have a baby when you're a baby, like 22, like my parents that are a lot of people do, now that you can't make marriage, you can make anything work. But I feel like you have the most energy then, but then you're not really an adult in your 20s yet. I mean, you're not really an adult in your 20s yet.

I mean, you're not an adult, I think it's responsible. I'm older with younger children, you know, and we have a very fortunate situation. I work from home, unless I'm here talking out of turn. Who then can talk? Yeah, shut my mic up. And my wife works part-time and is a great mom, and she's busier than I am with the involvement

in the kids' activities and PTA and scouting and Girl Scouts. And it's non-stop. And, you know, but it does come in cycles and it does seem to go so fast that, you know, you can easily look forward to that time where they're fully independent. fast that you know you can you can easily look forward to that time where where they're fully independent and you know that's it yeah do you ever think about that like what you guys are gonna do when you're in an empty nest shut up Jamie not don't eat I you know like the kids

growing up so fast that it that to have my goodness, you just gave me cold sweat. See, people freak out. I don't remember empty-ness being a thing. It's my mom was like, see ya, I have a good time. Well, no, I don't let the door hit you in the ass. And now all my friends' kids who are going to college, they're like, oh my God, they're in therapy for a year to prep for their kids leaving home.

You know what, I think, to me, the chills I just got were just my kids being at the age because you know, Alex is 10. And that that number was like, oh my God, it's eight more years. He's before he's in the pen or before he's in college. And so it's less about being about the emptiness because I do.

I haven't thought about what we'll do. We'll probably travel a lot more and do the things that are harder to do with kids. But it's, I think it's more about not wanting them to get there that fast. Now I get it. Yeah, I mean, and I don't think there's a writer wrong here. That's the other thing. I was like, well, I kind of want to talk about the same.

Then I was reading up studies and stuff, and it's really inconclusive. Like I believe that your happiness level is unind with the, the, the, the, the, if you decide to have kids or not, you can still live a happy life. But I do think it's interesting that people's decisions not to have children can spark moral outrage in others. Like, like, the studies say that they're just people, they're just thinking, I cannot believe you,

I have kids that you're moral imperative here on the planet. And, and I just think that that's another reason, like to get pressure on having kids not having kids, it's your moral imperative here on the planet. And I just think that that's another reason, like to get pressured having kids or having kids, like the reason why he will decide to have them, like I think you should only have them if you're absolutely sure you want them. But a lot of people do it out of fear, because they're afraid they're gonna regret it,

which is not a reason for anything. I mean fear of regret is not a healthy motivator. There's been so much talk about that, like just FOMO. Yeah. That should not be motivating you to have kids or being fear of loneliness. Like we're gonna end up alone.

We're all gonna end up alone. Even if you have kids, they leave the house like you're alone. Not to be so, you're gonna have friends and family and community. But, you know, I think that like good decisions are made, you know, when you're very, when you're certain about them. What, how long until like a relationship,

do you think you should start talking about whether or not you have plans? You've ever thought about having a family. I think it's important to talk about right away. I mean, it depends when age you are to it. Okay, so things are changing now, but I believe in my 20s, I didn't really talk about it with partners.

I was like, there's no way I'm having a kid. Well, I knew I didn't want to, but even then people weren't like, are we having kids yet. But I think like now, that's something I certainly talk about. I still mess up on that. I'll date people and like, show you what kids, they want kids,

and then I've broken up with men because they want that and I don't. I think that there are certain things that are deal-breakers in relationships, and the sense of if you know that you want kids and one doesn't want kids, and the relate, that's not gonna change. Religion, religious reasons, another thing, another reason.

And I'd love if you all figured out, if you're sexually compatible before you get married to, that'd be a great thing to figure out. That is something huge thing. This was the other thing with Shane Dan, last night I wanna come back to, is that they said to me, they never had kids. And then I was like, that's interesting,

because the three biggest challenges and relationships are money kids and what was that thing I said? Sex. Okay, obviously. I'm super tired. Money kids sex. So no kids financially they have a they run a business together, which is amazing to me that they're still so happy running a business of making sex toys together. And sex was not a problem. She came in like, she should have her parents were like giving her, you know, toys and talking about sex at a very young age. So she taught Dan about sex and they just had a very healthy sex life.

So you kind of take these risk factors out. So they're the perfect couple essentially? I think they are. And they were just, I was just super inspired because I thought, I thought about just talking about how they were, they like to do a lot of the same things. Because I think when you, you know, when you have time, they're compatible. And I feel like there's a lot of, and the other thing about kids too in life is that I'm very independent. And I always thought like that's when you decide to have children, you know that your life is no longer

your own. Like so for me, it's like my work and my personal life. And that would be very hard for me, I think, because I'm a very independent person and all those things. But I like how they play together, they bike together, they do have the same interests. So, and I think a lot of people just think of children that they need it to have fulfilling lives. And I guess I'm just here to say, I never worry about having that regret about not having kids,

but my life is very fulfilling in my 40s. Alright, we're going to take a quick break and we come back onto your questions. Okay, let's talk to John who's 50 in Utah and he wants to know how you can be more accepting of his body. Alright, hey John, how can I help you? That's a good question. All right, I have a question.

Hey John. I am just a huge fan and think that what you do is just an enormous community service and I think you're a sexual Jedi. Oh, wow, thanks John. That feels great. You're welcome. Do them a part here. I appreciate it, that feels good. How can I help you?

So, I need to once and for all. I'm 50 years old. I'm gay. I date regularly. I hook up occasionally. And I need to once and for all take some concrete steps to get better with the body that I have. That is so good, John.

I'm so glad you're asking this because really, at what point, we've got to learn to love ourselves. It's our body that we have, right? You're 50. Tell me what are some of your concerns. Is it more like when you're having sex, you feel, how does this manifest in your life right now that it's a problem? Then we can solve it.

Okay. I would say two ways. One is, if I'm looking through people's Instagram, I think it seems like everybody is beautiful and everybody is comfortable being naked or just even walking with their shirt off or wearing short shorts. I feel like it kind of messes with my head, so that's one way. even walking with their shirt off or wearing short shorts or you know and I feel like it kind of messes with my head so that's one way and then the other way is when I'm in a sexual situation just not having not only not having confidence but really sort of actively disliking my body even when you know

and I really don't get I don't get much negative feedback from anyone. I actually get a lot of positive feedback, but so it, so it's, you know, I don't know. It's unreal. So you've unrealistic, you know, expectations for how your body should be. So the first thing I'm going to tell you, John, is you have to unfollow every single account on Instagram that makes you feel that way. I mean, that is just the law right now. I'm telling you, there's been all these stories about like millennials and there's more depression and it's like, delete, don't follow, limit your screen time,

anyone that makes you feel bad right now, delete it. Like, you don't need to see that, right? That's not helpful, because I know it's a addiction, yeah, so do that. The other thing about self-love and loving your body, I mean, I feel like a lot of that is just, it's sort of, you've been wired this way. So you're probably doing this your whole life

and not loving your body. So just go patient on this, because it's not like I'm gonna get out of you, tell you anything right now that's a quick fix. But the fact that you're just conscious about it and calling me is amazing. And so really in those moments, you have to remember some things

that when you're with somebody, they've chosen you because they're attracted to you. You know, they want to be having sex with you. They are naked and they are with you because there is chemistry, there's attraction. And so I think getting yourself to remember like that no one's at all as harsh as we are about our own bodies.

Like just nobody, like nobody's looking and saying, oh, you know, why do they have this or that? Like we're all focused in the moment we're having sex. And most people, if they are thinking anything, typically what I've heard, and I've been doing this for 14 years, I've answered thousands of questions, is they're worried about when something about themselves that they're not going to perform. So all the things they're wearing us isn't true. And so I think the other thing that's important is to keep this is to look in the mirror and do some mirror exercises and look in your body and look at all the things that you actually love

about yourself. Finally, take that look in your room, like look at the mirror and talk about it. And then write those stuff on post-its around your house, put that put it on your room, how you love yourself, how you love your body, and the more you actually look at it, and you're like, my body is freaking amazing, how you love your body, and the more you actually look at it, and you're like, my body is friggin' amazing,

and you love it, even it feels awkward at first, I'm telling you this works, it'll turn it around. It's self-love, we're pacing the negative with the positive. Because one of the things that I have, what I experienced, this really hit me, last week I went on a date with someone and ended up going back to my place and we ended up having sex and he kept telling me how great he thought I looked.

And every time he said it, it took me right out of being in the moment because I kept sort of arguing back in my head about why he wasn't right. Why he wasn't right? Oh, why he's not right. He's like, but didn't he see my dimple on my thigh? Right. So this is so interesting. I was like taking right out of the moment with a really great guy who's saying, you know, you're really hot. Who's saying all the things you're in. Yeah. Yeah. My head like, no, I'm not. You know, right, right. So what exactly?

What exactly? Yeah, it yeah like they say we don't want to be a part of any club that will have a says a member that will say right so I understand that so John I'm also curious if this happens in other places in your life like were you like if I don't know like it work or if you doubt people aren't really you know in I don't know, just negative. Actually, I'm very confident. I have my own business. Okay.

So in other arenas, I know what I like about myself. It's just not my body. Okay, so I'm also, so that if you know, like in your confidence comes from because you've done work and then you've gotten accolades and you've gotten raises or you have your own business and it's been successful. So sexually, then we got to go back to this. Was there ever anything sexually maybe it could have been 20 years ago? It could have been in the high school gym. Did

something happen where someone shamed you for your body? So I was in a committed monogamous relationship with a wonderful man who turned out, I would say to be primarily asexual. Okay. And we were committed, monogamous relationship for 10 years. All right. So eight of those, eight years of no sex, none. Oh, no eating.

Yeah, okay. So, and how long did you end up that relationship? Four years. Okay, so that's, so 10 years living with someone. So I think this is so good, we just got to this. It has nothing to do with, with action reality. So because I thought you're gonna say, yeah, there was this guy who told me that he didn't like whatever,

but it's actually because what you do when you're in an asexual relationship is like everyone does, we think it's about us. So that whole time you're thinking, how could I be more attractive for my partner? How could I perform better? Should I lose weight and you kept trying to please him? And then you come to find out,

he's actually just not even into sex. So then you've wired your brain in this way to think like you're not desirable, you're not lovable, and you're not worthy enough for someone to want to sex with. So it's all that negative conditioning. And 10 years is like, that's a long time.

So now we just have to undo it. Now that we realize that, you have to realize that you're with someone and they're telling you these things. Like, I don't think that people say things like that unless they mean it. You know what I mean? Like, you wouldn't keep saying it. He already has you in bed. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So just remembering these things, maybe write this down after we talk sometimes. I always write things down after I hear something that's but you know therapy or whatever But like remember that it's not your current situation like people you're very desirable and that was your partner Not you and that's a long time not to have sex so now you get to rebuild and start new This is the John 2019 who is desirable and sexy and want sex and people want to have sex with you so

here you have any thoughts about taking if you like you know fifty should i take some kind of a bold action you something that i wouldn't normally ever ever do i don't know what you don't like sexually or just like

but i would like to go to a a pool well public pool go to a public pool. Yeah, oh, oh, so you don't take my shirt off. Yes, you absolutely should. I mean, I think, see, like small things like that, like going to the gym and taking your shirt, doing things that you wouldn't normally do absolutely. Go to a pool, walk around, do this. This is prohibited to do in other areas of your life.

I thought I was just during sex. So I think, yes, do something. Oh, so it's everywhere you've had this like self-esteem, right? I can't remember the last time I've had my shirt off one time out of the shower. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think that when you get out of the shower, you have to dance around your partner,

your house naked. Like I think you should start to be more naked, masturbate, looking in the mirror. Do you know what hot that is when you actually do something like that? Like, look at yourself and like, turn around and look at your body. I'm sure you are fine. Like, 50 or otherwise, it doesn't even matter. So, I think like, you've got everything going for you, you've got sex, you've got guys telling you you're awesome.

So, you're the last person we need to convince. So, I think anything you could do, I always believe that doing something different is a huge step towards getting us to where we want to go. Do one thing different. So yes, like walk around naked, be naked at the park in the pool, wherever. Do it. Or like, oh, let's take your shirt off. You know, don't get arrested. But yeah, be bold and replace those negative thoughts. Thank you, John, for calling. Let me know how it goes. This is your year. I know it. Thank you. I know. Thank you. You know, he's just sweet hearted. He sounds like. Body image and negative self-talk is a process. And when you could replace that negative with affirmations, you know, maybe there's like five statements. Maybe you think like, oh, I feel,

you know, fat or something. And then you literally could have five things like, I am beautiful. My body is strong. I love my legs. And you could have them in the note section on your phone and like, look at them when that negative thought comes in. And you can replace it. We can rewire our brains with right thinking. This reminds me of like so many people

that call an email in saying that like, I always tell my partner that they're so beautiful and they just, or that they're so handsome, or they, so attracted to them. And they're just like, no. Yeah. Yeah. Like or they don't it doesn't like help them out. They're like, well, I don't know. I compliment them all the time. I don't know why they and it's kind of like. It's an inside job. Yeah. You guys your emotional health is an inside job. No one else is going to make you feel beautiful or smart or successful and we have to do all that. It's true, but it's it's fun work you guys. So we really we really have to work on ourselves

and figure out, meditation is a great way, even like 10 minutes a day, five minutes a day, training your brain to, so you're in control of your brain and your brain isn't rolling you. It becomes easier to replace those negative thoughts. OK, let's talk to Marie, who's 63 in Missouri, because she says that she doesn't like to talk while having an orgasm.

OK. Hey, Marie. Hello. Okay. Hey Marie. Hello. Hello. Thanks for calling. Yeah, I just listened to your call from the gentleman about his girlfriend or wife. And I was thinking of calling you about the same thing at some point in my life. Good, I'm so good tonight.

I don't like to have any conversation when I'm coming getting close to having an orgasm. It distracts me. It pulls me away. I don't talk. Okay. Well, what but here's the thing. I'm glad you brought this up. No, Marie, I get this. But the thing that because we talked about in the break, we're like, well, maybe she could learn, but she he sounded like in his email that she needed like complete silence the whole time. Is what I thought. I don't need complete silence the whole time and maybe she doesn't either.

Maybe it's just leading up to it because I know we'll be playing and I'm getting very excited. And then my husband about about do you like that and and and I'll kind of make some physical motion but then he'll ask me again I'm like top just to quiet concentrating right. Exactly. Because I'll get very close to having art. No, that's a good modification here because we were talking about it. Maybe I was too harsh.

I was like because he made the way it was written was like, no talking, no whatever. But I get, once you're getting there, you're concentrating. You're concentrating. You feel like a little freak a little bit. Oh no, Marie, I'm so glad because we were actually debating that here that I think you're right. I think that when I'm about to orgasm, I don't want anyone to do fucking anything. I don't mind the talking, but if they move or whatever, it's frustrating for women like

that orgasm's comments, like that sneeze you know you're like oh god it didn't happen so no there's nothing wrong with you at all I think it was the way this was written so I'm glad you called in I get not wanting a distraction so I think that it's fine but I'm also very I find it very difficult to describe what I want oh okay it takes me out of doing it too, because I'm playing with myself and with a vibrator or whatever, or it's oral with a vibrator, whatever the combination is, and I'm getting close, I can't describe, do this or do that. Right.

Because your husband already knows, though, right? Or if there is something you want and you could talk about it when you're not having sex Okay, so that's that's the best there was a way for me to start feeling comfortable talking. Oh, no No, no, no, there's nothing wrong with you believe me. No, I was saying it felt like Well, we got from that was she want a complete science and he's like sometimes I just want to talk dirty or give a fantasy But I think that there's nothing wrong with you not giving instructions during sex or what you want, but what is great is to talk about it when you're not having sex and you guys are hanging out and having dinner or Sunday morning breakfast.

And say, like, let's talk about sex. I know that when I'm about to come, sometimes you talk and here's what I would like. And then you let them know beforehand. Okay. Yeah. And I've also mentioned to him that, you know, I use my hands like if I'm pressing down and if I'm touching you and I'm pressing down and you know, it means I like it and if I'm, you know, I have another way of vocalizing without using words.

That's great. No, no, I'm telling you, Marie, you're in a happy, relate your been to your husband. I'm sure while like you're fine. So there's nothing wrong with you I don't think I mean let's well here's when there's a problem has your husband told you that he's got a problem with it Well he wants to know whether I like it whether don't whether go here go there Oh, okay That's good and I try to say that with my hands as opposed to saying it because as I get close I just

I'm focusing so much on where what I feel. Well you guys can have like some signals you know like you can figure out like baseball like you know like you know whatever. Well that's what I thought we were getting to that point but I my point was I was going to call you to see if you get any suggestions but then whengestions. But then when this call came through, I was like, wow, that's like me. Yeah, yeah. I think you guys have to figure out some nonverbal ways

to communicate. And you're good. You know? OK. Yeah. I think that's it. You're so welcome. I'm glad you called.

Thank you, Marie. We're solving so many things. Thanks, Marie. Thanks for calling in. You guys, this is so great. What I love is she's been listening for a while. When someone calls in, Marie. We're solving so many things, thanks, Marie. Thanks for calling in. You guys, this is so great. What I love is, you know, she's been listening for a while. Like when someone calls in, even if you're sitting you're thinking like, I don't know, my question,

if I should call, you're gonna help so many people. You just think of all the people who are just like listening, like believe me, if you have the question, you're not weird, you're not alone, like someone else has that question. So, I think it's brave. Okay, let's take an email. This is from Kim, who's 21 in Louisiana,

and she writes, hi Emily. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we generally have a really good relationship. However, I recently met someone else that I'm very sexually attracted to. I was wondering if there was a way to approach my boyfriend ask for a hall pass type of thing, like to ask for permission to hook up

with this other person once. I think it would help me let out some steam and hopefully satisfy my want for something different in bed, but I still wanna be with my boyfriend. Am I just wanting to have my cake and eat it too? Is this not a thing? Help.

She's so cute. Oh, Kim, Kim, this is a really good question. Yeah, this is kind of a cake and eating it too question. This is also a, you're 21 years old question. Yeah, this is kind of a cake and eating it to question. This is also a your 21 years old question. So you guys have been together two years. He might be one of the first partners you've had and you generally have a good relationship, but you're in the situation. You're in the place. What happens to a lot of couples? There's this thing called the honeymoon phase, which is a real thing. Like we, you know, it's a state of mind when we're with someone and we all that.

The hormones, the oxytocin, everything's fine. You feel really connected and more in love and everything's great. It's really more like lust. And then it's going to wait after. It's going to change. And so, you know, it's been, I feel like you want to stay with your boyfriend, but you are, you're young. There might be something that's not satisfying in your relationship. Typically, when we look outside of our relationship,

it's because we're not getting certain needs met. And so, I think that before you go off and cheat, and ask them for a hall pass, which I actually appreciate you're not going to cheat, you're going to ask them for a hall pass. But I don't think that's going to go well. So, what I recommend is that you take it back inward and you talk to him what you actually want in bed. Remember our partners are not mind readers as much as we would love them to be so we don't have to have these really awkward conversations. So and I understand that you know that it is hard but this is a great way to start. Just tell him let him know what what you need. Maybe you guys could figure out things together. You said you have to let off steam and satisfy your wants and bed.

I don't think he knows. And maybe he has a, remember like great lovers are not born. They are made. So this could be practice for you and working on your relationship together. You know, if you, if you really feel like you want to explore and you want to get out there, then it is time to end the relationship. That's my thought. If you, rather than like asking for the hall pass, that's gonna get messy.

And often when we're in relationships, we wanna go outside of the relationships so I think it would be a great learning lesson, life lesson for you to say, I'm not really sure exactly what it is, but all I know is there's something with our sex life that's kind of missing for me. And I think it would be, I love you,

I love our relationship. And I think that we should start to talk about things that turn us both on that would feel good And if you guys don't know listen to the show together what has been so helpful for a lot of couples is that You know over the years they listen to the podcast you guys can now listen to the serious XM show together and Kind of just use me and just say well, Emily said this or that You know people this is how a lot of couples and people learn how to a better sex. Go to a sex toy store, watch some porn together that turned you both on.

There's a lot of different resources out there if you're not sure exactly what is Kim that turned you on. But I would use this again as an opportunity to have these difficult conversations. Here's the other thing, people just maybe think of, we hear from a lot of people who are, you know, new to the sex game, they just, you know. We hear from a lot of people who are new to this X game, they just, you know, in their teens, 20s,

and they're like, I just want to be the best lover. I want to have all the skills and all the tricks and all the things. But being a great lover is not about learning how to be the best kisser or learning how to give an excellent blowjob, although we can't explain that to all of you. A lot of it is about these really challenging,

hard communication skills that get a lot easier over time, right? That's why I just want her to rip the bandaid off and have that conversation. If we can learn to communicate with our partners, hear what they're saying, pay attention, really listen, and then reflect back and kind of work on it together, that's how you become a great lover Paying attention being present and asking for what you want and listen to your partner So it's not about how many people you've slept with Mm-hmm, you know, there's plenty plenty of people who have had a lot of freaking sex and I'm telling you If I had sex with them, I would probably not think they were great lovers

In fact, I've had those situations. I'm just thinking about all the emails we get from you. Like, my boyfriend's up with 15 people, and I never have our voice for a sudden. Like, that's not what it's about. It's about this communication, is a lubrication, and that will make you all feel a lot more satisfied and feel like that confident lover that you all want to be.

Thanks everyone for listening. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to my incredible team, Ken, Samantha, Julia Michelle, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-Mommy, feedback at sexwithemily.com. you