Sex With Emily - Orgasms: Don’t Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Hi, I’m Emily Morse and I used to fake orgasms. Once I understood why I was doing it, and how much more satisfying sex could be for me and my partner, I stopped. I want the same for you. In this episode, we hear from people who have been faking it and how to take back the power of your “O” by learning your body and how to ask for what you need.Later in the show, I take a call from a man trying to reignite the sexual passion with his wife after decades of marriage. Long-term intimacy is a challenge for so many of us but I’ve got solutions to get you and your partner feeling more connected and hot for each other once again.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I want to talk about unhealthy patterns and relationships, specifically tonight in our sexual relationships. You know that I am a fan of orgasms. And I want to be clear that I don't believe that the goal of sex should be to have an orgasm. And so one of the things I'd left in part is, not about all about that. So anyway, in thinking about orgasms, there is an orgasm gap that exists, you know, men take anywhere from like six to 10 minutes to orgasm and women are like 10 to 40 minutes and so that happens. And as a result of that, there's a lot of women who are just kind of cheating themselves out of orgasms and partners who don't really understand it because what we see

in porn or television is very different. So talk a lot about the pressure. You know, we feel pressure too. As a woman, I can tell you that I felt so much pressure to orgasm and to be into it, because I used to have this belief that if it didn't happen by a certain time, I remember staring at the clock when I was having sex with somebody,

and I used to think like, it's been eight minutes, nine minutes. Oh god, guess what I do? I got to fake my orgasm. And the reason why I did it, especially as a woman, but let me tell you something, men fake orgasms as well. I remember that was shocking when I first heard that I was like, what? Anyway, before I had the language and the confidence to talk about sex, I would just think that was my option. And the other thing I would do is I would start to quicken my breathing. He's about to come, so I'm going to like, uh, but I had nothing to do with my own pleasure. I was like, okay, this is going to get him to come, and it sounds like it feels really good, but it doesn't. You know what I'm talking about. I think you know what I'm talking about. And then I would also fake it because, I didn't know how to orgasm with a partner.

I didn't know how I would even explain to him. I didn't even know that he really wanted to figure it out. I'm like, well, I'm already doing something wrong here because I should already be orgasming. I don't wanna be a burden. And I care about his pleasure more than mine. That's the big thing that we do. We prioritize our partner's pleasure often over our own.

And I'm not saying that men are walking around going great long as I had mine. I think the reason why a lot of us fake it is because the lovers that you want to be with are like, oh, I really want you to come. I really want you to. I'm so bummed. Subscribe to Sex with Emily for more sex, dating, and relationship advice. You need to have an orgasm. You gotta get that out of there, you know? I said, I'm in a great mood.

I masturbate every week, y'all. So I'm a reformed figure. My name's Emily Morris, and I used to figure orgasms. Help me, does there like a 12-step group? I've been married now for 21 years, almost 22 years, and my life is complaining that my sex drive is not the way it used to be. Some guys wouldn't even try.

Like after sex they'd just be like, did you come? And I'd say, no. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on days. Well, I actually got some emails recently. And so I got one from Carly, 22 in Maryland.

And she says, Dr. Emily, hi, I love your show. I've learned so much from listening. My boyfriend, I've been together almost two years. We care about each other a lot. The sex is great. However, I fake orgasms a lot. I started faking it early on to keeping things from being awkward

until that I did not hurt a Zego. He loves and plays me often, gets frustrated or angry at himself. If I don't orgasm, I assured him it's enjoyable and still feel good, even if I don't finish, but he doesn't get it. When I think about our future together, I don't want to always have to fake it

or to lie to him. I also want to actually have an orgasm. How should I go up making him aware of the situation without upsetting him? Also, I once or again would an orgasm feel like, like she's the rad one. So sometimes I'm unsure if I had one or not. Could I fake it until I make it?

And why such a good actress, I can convince myself, ha ha. Well, I guess I can unpack that one, but there was another one that's really good. Well, you know, that's kind of similar. And this is from Cassie 27, and she says, whose responsibility is it for orgasm? She says, I orgasm, literally, from what I remember.

I was just my ex for eight years, I never orgasmed. When I would, it was because I'd for eight years. I never orgasmed. When I would, it was because I'd have to masturbate afterwards with him next to me, or possibly masturbate during sex, but it wasn't about him. Now that I'm single, I start with a few men who some take initiative to eat me out or make sure I orgasm.

There's others who don't. Is having an orgasm, my responsibility. It seems like a silly question, but I remember having a conversation with one man I was sleeping with. I told him I really had orgasms and he's like, come on, you got to direct these guys. I seem to feel inexperienced because with my ex, it was the same cookie cutter where he was the one who got off. I blamed men for not making me orgasm. But now I think it's ever looking at it wrong. So, Dr. Emily is orgasming my responsibility and men

are just there to assist or should I go into sex with the mindset that they should be the ones making me orgasm. Once this question is answered, I can have a better understanding of what to do in the bedroom and possibly orgasm more myself. I just kind of wanted to read this because if you are faking orgasms, you are not destined to a life for ever faking. I'm gonna help you Carly get out of that and tell you what to say, so you don't have to fake it anymore. And then also responsibility, Cassie,

I totally related because I used to blame men. I'd be like, it's their responsibility. I didn't orgasm. Why aren't they good lovers? And I was like, oh shit. How can anybody else make you orgasm if why aren't they good lovers? And I was like, oh shit, how can anybody else make you orgasm if you don't know yourself? And if you don't know yourself,

I mean, do you have a bit of that comfortable exploring your body and figuring out what feels good to you? So it's everybody's responsibility. So I think that's interesting. We're gonna cover all of that. Why we do it? How to stop doing it? And how to communicate about it.

But let's talk to Fab, your Fab in Texas. Hey Fab, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Your Fab. Hey, I knew it. Hi. Hi, I am Fab, and that's really part of my name. I'm not giving you my full name, but that is part of my name.

I'm down with it. So, I'm not quite 40, but last year I had an Instagram to me. When I started having issues, I feel like my and my partner, Sackpies, really changed, I think, apart, because he really thought he was hurting me, which at one point I had terrible in the material sense, so yes, at one point it was painful. But the hysterectomy has really rectified a lot of issues.

And I haven't lost all my desire because I still have one functioning ovary and it's working over time and it's fine, but I feel like we have this disconnect that we never had before. And I heard you talking about faking orgasms. Number one, my first question is, can men fake orgasms? Yes. Number two, I'm trying to figure out how do we get back to that place of full passion? Like, we used to be before my health issues really took over. I mean, I'm just trying to get us back because we,

deeply in love, we used to have great chemistry, but then once all the health issues kicked in, I understand why he doesn't feel like he can explore or he can really do the things he wants to do, because he's afraid of hurting me because it's happened before. Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, Fab, this is, you know, thank you for sharing this. I just think it's such a common thing like we want to get back to where it was and then things go awry and then know how do we talk about it without hurting our partners.

It's a whole thing, but what I would recommend is talking to them about it, like straight outside the bedroom and let them know and just say, I just want to talk to you, babe. I know we even talked about our sex life in a while and it was really painful after my his direct to me, but I want you to know that I really love you and our sex life is so important to me. I've had my best sex in my life with you. And I thought I should tell you that since the his direct to me, I'm not having pain, I'm actually feeling more turned on.

I fantasize about you when I'm at work. And so I was wondering if we could kind of like talk about it, because I feel like maybe you're still worried about it. What do you think about that? Like really just a matter of you being curious and light and then saying, well, how have you been feeling about it lately? But just like that, he might feel really relieved. He might say, oh, I knew that.

And then you'd be surprised, or he might say, oh my God, I'm so glad I was so worried. So that's really what it is. That's where he started. OK. Because we have that conversation. And he has said, well, I'm just afraid I'm hurting you. He was like, when I've tried these things to do before, it really put me in a place

where I don't want to do those things. So a year later, I am in a better place, but I don't know if maybe I just need to be more patient. Yes. I think talk about it again. Maybe where I'm at. OK, so I would just say, you know, I want to bring this up again, because I want you know,

I'm really in a good place. So you might have to remind him, babe, I just want you to know, I feel good. Like, you can still do those things, or I mean, you still want to do the things that he thought was painful. Yeah. OK, good.

Yeah. I don't know, but you want to try that. The problem was my endometriosis was so bad. Of course. Theology style was painful. And now it's like, okay, I'm in a good place. You know, I have to write treatment and I'm good, but I think he's just so taken aback

by my reaction in the past. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm struggling. And I was thinking, well, what if he's baking it? What if, like, if he did tell me he said, well, our sex is very vanilla right now. Is it, but that's okay?

He's like, I'm not mad about it. Okay. But I don't know at what point you're comfortable. And then he's now taking it to where he thinks I'm talking about whips and chains. I'm just saying, let's just try to introduce you thing. Yeah. Because I'm in a better place.

Right. Listen, the sex talk with our partner is not a one-time conversation. It can't be because nobody learns from a one-time request. Especially when it comes to sex. So now you can be listening, babe. Let me remind you, I want to try things. You can do this position.

I want to do doggie style. I want to try new things. And maybe then you initiate it. Or you say, this is what I want to do. You got to lead him and then it won't take long. Once you have the conversation again, you might have to have it a third time. But sometimes we just need to hear it. We forget, life goes on.

We don't believe it. Maybe he was like, oh, she's saying that. You know what I mean? So it sounds like he's a very sensitive guy who really cares about your health. And that's all it is. So just let him know, like, I really care about our sexual pleasure and health together. So let's try it again. I'm feeling good.

I'm excited, you know? Do the things that turns them on and turn you on. So just have it again. It doesn't mean you doesn't want to. Okay, let me know it goes. I'm here, fab for you. Okay, thanks for calling. Appreciate it.

So much. Here's the thing you guys. The sex conversation is so not a one time conversation. And I can't, if you are walking around going, well, clearly my partner doesn't want to initiate sex because I asked them once. Listen, have you ever changed a behavior because someone told you once.

Someone ever tell you something once, you're like, okay, it's all of a sudden, I'm gonna start going to the gym. You know, like habit changing takes a beat. It takes a moment. And I think we assume, well, it was really hard to do this ask to the gym. You know, like habit changing takes a beat. It takes a moment. And I think we assume, well, it was really hard to do this ask to my partner. And now they ignored me and I can't talk about it again. No, keep having the sex talk.

The more you have the sex talk, the easier it gets the better sex you're going to have. Period end of story. That's how it works. I'm going to take a quick break when I come back. We're talking about orgasms so hang out. Amanda just posted something on the chat. Amanda, okay, Amanda's our content coordinator and she just let me know on our Zoom chat that her ex caught her faking orgasms. Tell me everything. Yeah, this happened when I was younger. One morning I fixed my orgasms probably like half the times we had had sex. And one morning we were at a Denny's. Oh, never look at

Denny's the same way. And without looking up from his menu, he just said, I can tell you've been faking your orgasms. And I was so embarrassed that I never did it again. Wow. That's amazing. Did you do it? You admit it? Yeah. Well, I was shocked.

Because I think I was like 21 or something, two or 22. So I was just really embarrassed, but now I kind of see it as like, it was a gift. It was a gift, right? I love it, he called it out. I love it, he said something to you. So Amanda, let me ask you, so why were you faking it?

Do you remember why? Yeah, I thought I was expected to, and I thought he would think I was sexier if I like orgasms or sort of a combination of just wanting him to like me and wanting him to feel good. Isn't it funny that we do that that we're like, oh, now I'll be asked back or who liked me, I got it orgasm or I'm going to be deemed a bad lover when really it doesn't make any sense once you have the knowledge.

The truth is when you come to realize is that you come more. Now, when you come to realize is that you can come and that it's actually like your partners want to please you and be great lovers, but authentically, like the ones that you really want to be with are like, oh, I want you to have a real orgasm. How can we get there? But we don't know that because we think

we should be orgasming like that, like men do. So how did you, what I love is that you finished, that you were like, nope, I'm done. Like, Denny's, nowhere, grand slams, no more orgasms, like, nowhere faking. So then was it a process? How did you learn to orgasm with a partner? I got better at communicating what was working.

So I stopped speaking and it was interesting because I started realizing that some guys wouldn't even try. Like after sex they'd just be like, did you come? And I'd say, no, I still didn't encourage them. And then I started dating somebody who was really about understanding what would work and what wouldn't work. So like just being with somebody who encouraged experimentation. And then I started to, like, learn more about my body and so I felt more comfortable just kind of trying new things. Yeah, that's the process. I love that. That's such a good story. I mean, I really

soon as we just got to be, we think that's going to be so horrific. It probably was in the moment. But this is why honesty with our partners, like, you know, we grow. Like look how much you might still be fake in orgasms, you know, who knows? I love that. Thank you for sharing that and that totally sums it up. It's like, we want to please them. We think we'll be a better lover. It's like performative, right? And so it's like, oh, and then, and then you probably faked it like how you heard in porn

or I wonder how he knew. Do you remember what you did? I think now that I've like no one of real orgasm feels like there's such like a body reaction to it. You know, there's such like a physical reaction that I'm sure he'd like they can like feel the difference. That's my guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. That's true. You hope that they can. Some can't and what you also brought up is cause there's so many things here. It's that always something you Some can't. And what you also brought up is, because there's so many things here. It's that, oh, it's something you just said about, we think that they expect it. They expect us to orgasm. I think that I used to feel that I got it down.

I was like, okay, I kind of knew how it felt, because I'd started to masturbate on my own. I didn't have an orgasm with a partner. So I was just faking, faking it. And I was like, okay, I have to figure it out. Like, I'm going to get into my own pleasure, and then I'm going to explain to a partner. And so then what I realized, there's also those partners who don't care. They roll over, and they're like, did you have one? And now I'm just like, you would know. You would know. But again, those guys I've been with, just roll over don't even make an effort, where I used to get frustrated to me,

they just don't know, like they don't have the knowledge. They've probably been with partners in the past who never felt safe telling them. And then sometimes when you bring it up to some of these guys, they're like, everyone else I've been with has an orgasm. And I'm like, I guarantee you that every time you've had sex with someone for 3.2 minutes, like you just say with me that they did not have an orgasm. Like statistically speaking, there is no way. But again, it's more like them not having the knowledge, then not having the education

that like, oh, women are slow-cookers, men can be more frying pans. We need more time to kind of like get going and just sticking it in for the majority of penetrator sex, that could work. I'm not gonna fly. Let's talk to Pete 42 in Florida. Hi Pete, thanks for calling. Hi, thank you. What's going on Pete?

Of course. I've been married now for 21 years, almost 22 years. And my life is complaining that my sex drive is not the way it used to be. I'm 42 years old, and we have sex once every couple of weeks, I just, I'm all right with it. What shall I do? Well Pete, tell me, what do you think?

Has anything changed? Are you taking any medications? What shall I do? Well, Pete, tell me what do you think? Has anything changed? Are you taking any medications? No, I work quite a bit and I find my wife exactly. It's just, I don't know. Yeah, I think there's a 21. So yeah, that's something too. Here's a thing though.

It sounds like you work a lot. Do you enjoy your job or are you in a stressful place? I'm in a special position. Yeah. I'm a public servant, but it's not weird. Okay. So, you know, Pete, the thing is, first off, after the age of 40, men's testosterone starts to drop and that's the hormone responsible for erections, blood flow.

How is your health? Do you exercise? I try to get to gymnasium as much as I can. Yeah. Part of it is blood flow, right? But I really think that to spice it up a lot of times, the brain is our most powerful sex organ. How can you start to enhance the intimacy with the two of you?

Because right now, it sounds like she's like, you're not in the mood and then you're like, feel bad that you're not in the mood. But I want to offer up a different kind of conversation you could have with her, because you're saying that you want to be doing it more often. So it's a conversation of, you know, I know that I haven't been as intimately, I'm tired and I really think it's important for us to reconnect and I realize that it's been so stressful lately. And then maybe you guys could just, you've been very 21 years, which is such a, in a way, it's a great place to be in because you have so much to work from.

Like, it used to be more frequent. You could even say to her, well, let's have fun. Let's go out, you know, go out for dinner and talk about like the three most memorable times you've had sex. Like, have her say, what are the moments? The moments you remember. And I'll tell you mine, or you could exchange bucket lists, things you wanna try, fantasies you have, the things that get you in the mood. It's really just about having conversations with the goal of communicating so you can both connect better.

It's not to shame or to blame. We all wanna go back to the first six months of dating, but that doesn't happen, but you can still be attracted to each other. No, I got you on that. And I understand that. She asked me last night, she asked me, do you follow me attracted? I'm like, of course I do. So I'm back to my mind.

I'm like, oh my god, I think my medicine for you to go to bed, because I have a hard time sleeping, so I take a sleep in bed and as soon as I think that my drive is like gone. You know, and we have to appreciate that the home so it's not like that's tough. I mean, you got to wait until it's time, but that's fine, my home is going to slap out. Yeah. So, I mean, so it's just it's You know we're just Reefly and we're we're like funny. I mean yes, we're younger. Okay, well this good news So Pete you just need time and space. So this is what you need you got to recreate

That feeling at home. So I don't know how cold your kids are and how self-sufficient are they young kids? No, they're teenagers. Okay, so listen, mom and dad are gonna go have some time. We need some intimate time to connect. I know that might be horrifying to you, but that's how I think it needs to go. You had a plan. Now you know, okay, I get up, I take my sleeping med, I fall asleep by eight or nine.

So now between seven and eight, six and seven, 30, you guys are like, okay, we're gonna go do it at this time, you gotta schedule the sex around your schedule when it works because if you keep waiting when you're not tired and you're not with the kids, it'll never happen. Listen, when our partners aren't in the mood for sex, the first thing we think is they're not attracted to us and everyone does it. All genders were like, well, it must be me. It must be me.

You got to reinforce her and say, of course, I'm attracted to you. I am so attracted to you. Our sex life is so important. Let's problem solve here. That's what has to happen to answer your question. Is that we got to figure it out? Maybe you said the alarm earlier in the morning by 20 minutes or you cancel plans with something or you go open the room an hour earlier

by 20 minutes, you know how long it takes, okay? You sure kill me if I wake her up at 4 a.m. and have sex with me. Well, yeah, so then it's at night. It's you saying, before I take my pill, sleeping pill, let's get upstairs. Let's do the dishes in the morning. You know what I'm saying? Like, just, we need this because it's your sustenance. It's what keeps you intimate, connected.

We need the oxytocin connection, which is the cuddle hormone that connects us. And so you gotta just figure it out because what I love is that there's not a problem here. You would have vacation and it was great. So you just need this space and time and you can create that in your home All right, thank you. Let me know how it goes. I'll be here for you I want to hear your success stories you guys a lot of you were like, thank you I listen, I call you email me what worked because I actually want to interview you now like how did you take this advice on the show? I want to know what helped email me feedback at sexwithamely.com and on all social media, it's at sex with Emily.

All right, and take a quick break. There'll be more sex with Emily. Thanks everyone for supporting our sponsors. You know, we only work with sponsors that we enjoy ourselves. And I hope you do too. I can't enter all the things tonight, all the things. Okay, let's talk to David 57 in Michigan. Hi, David. Hi, there, I've been a soda.

Oh, Minnesota, got it. I saw the MIA, got excited because Michigan, I'm from Michigan, but you're a Minnesota. I get people do that all the time to me too. What's going on? Well I'm 57 of my 161 and our sex life is like dull and void. We haven't had any deadly things for over a year. Every time we do if we try it's like don't quit, don't do that and if we ever get to do the intercourse, it hurts. So it's kind of hard to get romantic when you do something like that and it hurts, even though we're used to loo, but all that good stuff, it kind of hard to for me to keep going when

I've got it. And I just don't know what to do. I mean, see the hot looking lady still at 61 man, I'm attracted to her. But like I said, she's always in a bad mood, that I tell her, you need to have an orgasm. You gotta get that out of there, you know? I said, I'm in a great mood. I masturbate every week, you know? But I just, I don't know what to do to get her to cover out. Yeah, you know, I've been very 25 years.

Yeah, David, that's a long time you'd have you talked or about it, have you ever said, listen, our sex life is so important to me, our intimacy, and I really want to find a way to continue to be intimate with each other and have sex and find out a way for you to do without pain. Well, I try and it's, it's just a nice thing in America, I'm like, oh, but we're not 90 years old, not on the rocket chair. I gotta have some sex or something, and I'm like, oh, but we're not taking years old out on the rocket chair. I don't know. I got to have some sex or something, and she's like, oh, well. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I hear you, Dave. There's a thing. So you said it's because she's having pain every time. Yeah. When I, when we have intercourse, she has, you know, and I'm told her to have it checked out at the doctor, and she said, did you ever get older? And this is the end of the eye.

But I realize that. But, you know, it's happened like you did, we're not 80 years old, I'm the rocket chair. No, you're not done. Listen, people are having sex in their 80s. You know, you're not done yet.

And I think that this is what happens. You know, I would recommend that she goes to see a pelvic floor physical therapist or a hormone doctor because for many women, it could be because of, you know, we get older, men are losing testosterone, we're losing estrogen. As a result of estrogen, our vaginal walls start to thin.

They start to, you know, after-free and they get less lubricated and then we have pain, but no one tells us that and it's kind of a bummer and then we just think, well, I can live without sex because it's become too painful. And so, and then we forget that we liked it and then we don't prioritize it. But I think the important thing is to let her know, you know, this is an easy, David.

I mean, this is why I'm here every night because it's like, it's really hard to have these conversations, especially she's made up her mind and she's embarrassed about it or she's like, yeah, no, I know. But like, how does your wife learn? Like, you know, you've been with her 25 years. Is there any way that you know to talk to her where she's finally like kind of agreed to take a step that she previously been against? And I don't know, we've used toys and all that stuff

up to like, she's dead down there. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, I mean, listen, you guys could do some mutual masturbation, listen, she probably shouldn't, she probably has the ability to have a literal orgasm. So she just, it's just the penetration that hurts her. So I would recommend that you guys are still sexual and connected. Again, we have a lot of stuff on our

website. It's sex, then we got calm. We've got so many great like posts about this and what to do with vaginal pain. And and so for me, like I like education, like I like learning about things. And then I'm like, Oh, okay, well, this isn't easy fix. I just need to go see this kind of doctor. And maybe if you let her know, you got to use feeling words and not like, oh, you never, but saying to her, you know, I feel less connected to you

and we're not having, we're not as intimate. I feel like it's harder to connect. And I want to do everything I can and support you as your husband. I'll go on the stern you with you. Let's go see a doctor together. And I know you might say, but she won't. That's on you because I don't know how you can get your wife to get there, but know that

it's an ongoing conversation. You can't let it go because it does matter. She doesn't master, baby. I think once in a year, from 25 years, she mastered it once, and that was like, I mean, that was years and years and years ago. She did it with that. It was time that she started again.

That was it. One time. Maybe you could, yeah, I can't hear you. You know, it's really common. They sometimes women think I'm in a relationship. I don't need to masturbate, but this is what I'm talking about. Sex begets sex. So if we can get her to have some orgasms get on board, it's like going to the gym, right?

Like we get so hard to get back on it and we don't go and then we go. We're like, oh, it feels so good. So if you could kind of find a way to get her into the pleasure zone again, that's and I would keep talking about it. And I'm here tonight. Hormone doctor or what was that other one? I was saying that a hormone specialist that specializes in women's sexual health because it could be hormones. The other thing I'm going to tell you about is a pelvic floor physical therapist. Pelvic floor, like a PT, like a PT for your vagina. We have information on our website at sexelme.com,

but we've got to go now. You can call me back and let me know how that first conversation goes. All right, business with Emily. Find me Monday through Friday from five to seven PM Pacific on Siri XM stars for even more awesome sex talk calls and segments. It's a great time. You can find more at sexwithemily.com slash S X M. Also follow me on all social media. Sex with Emily cross the board. Instagram,

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