Sex With Emily - Orgasms, Explained.

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Orgasms are one of the most pleasure-filled parts of sex. But what’s actually happening in your body when you have one? Today, I’m breaking down the physiological process of different kinds of org...asms and explaining how to have them. I also reveal how to find your G-area and have a G-spot orgasm, what it means to have a dry orgasm, what squirting really is and how to do it. Plus, I get into your orgasm questions. In this episode, you’ll also learn: The anatomy of the clitoris, vulva, and penis so you can better stimulate them The many benefits of orgasms, for both your mental and physical health Tips for communicating with a partner if you no longer want jackhammer sex See the full show notes at Show Notes: How to Give a Prostate Massage 15 Sex Toys That Make Amazing Valentine's Day Gifts LELO Tiani Duo (up to 50% off sitewide until the end of February) SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Sex with Emily is looking for a new senior podcast producer. We are sorry to say goodbye to Erica, but she is leaving to pursue her music career. And I know she's going to have much success. We are looking for a senior producer right now that can start and help us with content production. You have technical expertise. You know how to manage a team. You can collaborate and you have experience working in production with audio or podcasting and video. And you're also familiar with the content
Starting point is 00:00:33 because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobs at We'd love to have you join our growing team and we have a good time over here. Thank you. That's a thing with sex. There's a lot of things that haven't happened yet, but for some reason we ascribe it to I can't or I never will or I'll never be able to have a multiple orgasm or I'll never be able to squirt
Starting point is 00:01:01 or never, never, never, just because we haven't yet. You're listening to Sex With Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Orgasms are one of the most pleasure filled parts of sex, but what's actually happening in your body when you have one? Well, today I'm breaking down the physiological process of different kinds of orgasms
Starting point is 00:01:24 and better yet, explaining how to have them. I also reveal how to find your G area and have a G spot, G area orgasm, what it means to have a dry orgasm, and what squirting really is and how to do it. Plus, I get into your orgasm questions. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.
Starting point is 00:01:44 You can do it, do it right now. It's so easy to rate the show and I can't tell you how much. It helps us and really makes a difference and more people can find the show that way. So thank you and we appreciate you. My new articles, How to Give a Prostate Massage, and 15 Sex Toys that Make Amazing Valentine's Day Gifts are up on Plus, big announcement, my new Valentine's Day gifts are up on Plus, big announcement, my new Valentine's Day guide is out now.
Starting point is 00:02:09 At this year, I'm sharing the sexiest Valentine's Day ideas for every stage of your relationship. So check this, whether you're just getting to know someone new and you're like, what do I do on Valentine's Day? Or maybe you're in a long-term or long-distance relationship or you've multiple partners, or maybe you're just, what do I do on Valentine's Day? Or maybe you're in a long term or long distance relationship or you have multiple partners or maybe you're just keeping it casual. This guide's gonna help you have
Starting point is 00:02:29 the sexiest Valentine's Day yet. So you gotta check it out at and I'll also link it in my show notes. So if you've ever been scratching your head around Valentine's Day, what to do, I got you. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. ["Sex With Emily"] I got you. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. As we enter this season of love, it's time to talk about a little something that's been
Starting point is 00:02:52 long overdue for some TLC. Obviously I'm talking about the unsung hero of the bedroom, the penis ring. Firm Tech makes penis rings for every penis owner who wants to add a little extra oomph to their sex game. Want to last longer than a Netflix binge? Want to strengthen your erections? penis rings for every penis owner who wants to add a little extra oomph to their sex game. Want to last longer than a Netflix binge? Want to strengthen your erections? Or maybe you're just looking to turn the pleasure dial up to an 11.
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Starting point is 00:03:53 So this Valentine's Day, why not put a ring on it? Experience firm tech and help us bring penis rings out of the shadows and into the limelight. Visit, use code EM Emily20 at checkout to save 20% on your purchase. That's my firm tech. That's code Emily20 for 20% discount. Get it down with firm tech and let's make this Valentine's Day one to remember. You all ask me so many questions about orgasms from how to have one, why you can't have one, how to have multiple orgasms, where did your orgasms go, you used to have them more frequently and now you don't. And then one question that's really common is how do I know if I've actually had an orgasm? So this is an email from Taylor23 in Texas and she
Starting point is 00:04:50 says, hey Dr. Emily, how do I know if I'm having an orgasm? I started using an external vibrator and I was obsessed. The only issue is I don't think I've ever had an orgasm so I don't know if what I experience is an orgasm or just a lot of pleasure. I often hear of some released people have. But what I experience is a lot of intense pleasure where my body cramps up, there's no release, so I feel like I may be stuck in the climax right before an orgasm and can't seem to get past that point. Any help?
Starting point is 00:05:21 And to answer this question, I thought it'd be helpful to break down exactly what happens in your body when you have an orgasm. So you can be the expert of your own body once you know the facts. So let's get started. Orgasms are rhythmic contractions in the genitals and the pelvic floor muscles. They work together following the height of sexual arousal.
Starting point is 00:05:46 So you get aroused and you have an orgasm and they're rhythmic contractions. They give it like a really pleasurable muscle spasm. You know when you get a muscle spasm? While an orgasm is a muscle spasm that feels amazing. So to have an orgasm, your nerve endings, your blood flow, your pelvic floor muscles and your brain are all working together as
Starting point is 00:06:05 a team. They're all part of this orgasm. So when your nerve endings register pleasurable sensations in your sex organs, they prompt your brain to send more blood to your genitals. So let's say you start to make out with your partner. You'll start to feel maybe the nerve endings on your body, on your lips, maybe the way your partner is touching your neck. You're like, oh, that's pleasurable. So when you start to experience a pleasurable sensation, your brain's going, oh, pleasure, pleasure, I'm going to send blood to the genitals.
Starting point is 00:06:36 So that's how they work together. So then this increased blood flow is going to now increase the sensitivity of your nerve endings. So while it already felt good when your partner was kissing your neck, now you've got the blood pumping to your genitals and everyone's working together. And then you're gonna notice with this blood flow it's also gonna cause your genitals to swell
Starting point is 00:06:55 and grow in size. And yes, this is true for all genitals. We know the penis gets erect, tail as old as time, but the clitoris also gets erect and the pelvic floor muscles engage with blood. Now if this arousal is sustained, you continue making out, you continue touching, you're feeling really aroused, well these muscles give the way to the muscular contractions of orgasm.
Starting point is 00:07:21 Everyone's playing together like a symphony, right? You got your nerve endings feel good, your blood flow, your pelvic floor muscles and your brain. They're all working together. So we get really aroused and sustained and then bam, you have an orgasm. So that's how it all happens. But let me also tell you about the four stages of orgasm.
Starting point is 00:07:36 Orgasms for some are not as linear, but here is what can generally be agreed upon as the four stages. The first one is this desire. You're thinking about having sex with somebody. Your partner walks into the room and you get really turned on. Someone touches you and then you start to respond
Starting point is 00:07:52 to that touch and that's desire. Now this starts in the brain and begins the arousal process we just discussed. Increased blood flow to the genitals and nipples become erect. Your breath quickens. The blood flushes to the surface of the skin. Maybe your cheeks get rosy, your chest gets a little bit red, making it all more sensitive. That's stage one. Stage two is the plateau stage. So the blood's continuing to flow,
Starting point is 00:08:15 your tissues are erect and lubricated, you're feeling good, you're getting turned on, it's getting more and more intense, you're feeling good, you're feeling like building, building, maybe you're gonna have an orgasm and then stage three, bam, you have an orgasm. Now this is the concentration of the blood flow to the genitals. This is when your muscles are contracting, you have a rush of hormones at the same time, and this is when penis owners
Starting point is 00:08:36 and some vulva owners ejaculate. If you can see that, you can see how it all starts together with a thought, a feeling that registers in your brain, that your brain's like, we gotta get going, let's get this blood flowing, let's get the genitals on board, let's get the pelvic floor on board. You keep going, you keep moving through this process,
Starting point is 00:08:53 then bam, you have an orgasm. I know I wish it was that easy, that simple, that linear all the time, and that's why we're here to help you problem solve, but I just want you to understand the steps. Stage four is post-orgasm. So you had the orgasm, then your blood's like, okay, I did my job, I'm gonna go take a nap,
Starting point is 00:09:09 I'm gonna flow away from the genitals, my breath is gonna slow, it's gonna deepen. Then we have a rush of those feel-good hormones come in like oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone or the cuddle hormone. Estrogen, the endorphins are spiking, the dopamine, serotonins, the happy hormones, prolactin. These are all the hormones that are spiked and sparked and ready to sort of
Starting point is 00:09:32 flow and make us feel good after orgasm. And hence, that starts that feedback loop of why we want more orgasms and more orgasms because it feels good. Everything in our body feels good after an orgasm. So that's what's happening in general during orgasms. So you know the facts now, you know what's up from a physiological level. So let's get into the specific type of orgasms. Let's start with the clitoral orgasm. The clitoral orgasm, if you have a vulva,
Starting point is 00:09:57 you likely have a clitoris. And you know that the clitoris, if you've been listening, paying attention, it's more than that little pleasure button that we can see externally on top of the labia. The clitoris actually extends deep below the surface and has 12,000 nerve endings. In contrast, the circumcised penis has 4,000 nerve endings. So the clitoris, yes, it's that little bud, but the 12,000 nerve endings all happen. A lot of the clitoral nerve endings are internals
Starting point is 00:10:26 because the clitoris extends into the vaginal canal, the urethra, the labia. So this means that the clitoris can be stimulated from both the inside and the outside. Now the outside a lot of us are familiar with. If we have a vulva or we're friends with vulvas, we know that we can stimulate it externally through oral sex or stimulation with fingers or a toy. That's volvas, we know that we can stimulate it externally through oral sex, or stimulation with fingers, or a toy. That's kind of what we know. That's our base level of the clitoris. But there's also indirect stimulation of the clitoris. You can stimulate it indirectly by holding a vibrator on your pubic mound, which is the area which may or may not have pubic hair above your vaginal opening. That's a great way to apply indirect pressure.
Starting point is 00:11:05 You could also stimulate the labia. When you're stroking the labia, you're stroking the clitoral legs that we just spoke about that are internal. So there's a lot of different ways to stroke your clitoral nerve endings. An adioplasty can also stimulate the clitoral legs because when you're being penetrated anally, you're applying pressure to do that thin membrane that separates the anus and the vagina. And since the clitoral legs are vast
Starting point is 00:11:32 and they have so many nerve endings in them, when you have something stimulating you through the anus, you just might stroke up on those legs of the clitoris and pleasure will happen. But this takes practice and fun exploration. But we've all got these nerve endings and I just want everyone to learn how to play them. It's almost like an instrument.
Starting point is 00:11:52 We're all given these nerve endings and for many vulva owners, we know how to have a clitoral orgasm because that's the most accessible or maybe we had it accidentally like, you know, riding a horse or stroking it as a kid or doing something that we're like, this is easy, but it takes a little bit more work and more consciousness.
Starting point is 00:12:09 But I promise you, you have these nerve endings waiting for you to discover them. Once your brain registers clitoral stimulation as pleasurable, like we talked about, your brain's on board saying that feels good, all these ways you're stimulating these nerve endings, it's going to send blood flow to the region and then that's when you're gonna have the orgasm. Then we have penile orgasms, the penis, okay. Now this is just the classic type of orgasm for most penises, you've seen it happen,
Starting point is 00:12:39 it's penis erect, ejaculation happens, there's an orgasm, but here's what's happening. The penile orgasm is primarily gonna be a result from the stimulation of the head of the penis, the shaft of the penis, and the phrenulum, and the foreskin of the penis if the foreskin is present. The phrenulum is that underside of the penis where the tip meets the shaft,
Starting point is 00:13:02 where if you don't have foreskin, it's where the foreskin was removed, and that area, the phrenulum, or your new BFF, is where a lot of the magic happens if you have a penis. So after the first two stages of orgasm that we discussed, you'll start to feel this seminal fluid, which helps bring semen out of the body, and you'll feel it start to build up
Starting point is 00:13:21 at the base of the penis. And then once you continue through the arousal process, the fluid is then pushed out of the urethra that's the little hole at the tip of your penis through the pelvic floor and penile muscle contractions. And this creates an orgasm and ejaculation. Voila. Okay, let's get into the G area orgasms. I think these are the questions I get asked the most from Volvo owners and penis owners
Starting point is 00:13:50 who play with Volvo owners. They wanna know what's up with the internal orgasm. It's been called many different things. It's also been accused of not existing, but I'm here to tell you that it does. All Volvo owners have G areas. And I like to call it a G-Area versus a G-Spot because when you think of a spot that can be harder to find,
Starting point is 00:14:11 you're like, I don't have the spot. But if I can tell you that it's a general area, you'll probably be more likely to find it and know that it is there and you've got it. Now the G-Area sits just below your skin glands internally about two inches up the vaginal wall. So this is only about a knuckle deep, okay? Like I want you to hear that.
Starting point is 00:14:30 It's not back into your vagina. It's not like deep up towards your stomach. We're talking a knuckle deep. Now for some Volvo owners, this area might feel rough or rigid like a walnut. For others, it can feel soft and pillowy. And let me remind you here that the reason why penetrative sex does not work for many vulva owners is because the penis is going back deep into the vagina.
Starting point is 00:14:58 And you're missing this magic at the front of the vagina where all these nerve endings are concentrated. Not that you can have A spots and other kinds of orgasms in the back, but I'm just talking about the G area. Now, the cool thing is you can see your G area in the mirror. Just use a hand mirror, spread your legs, look at your vulva, it helps to be already aroused
Starting point is 00:15:20 and turned on, stroke your clitoris, stroke your area, just start to get aroused. It's all about the blood flow and getting that going. And that's why for many, many vulva owners, it helps to have a clitoral orgasm first. Because once you have a clitoral orgasm, your body's already on board. It knows that you're in pleasure mode. It's got the blood flowing, so everything's swollen a little bit. And it's a lot easier, again, to find all these areas. So if you've got this mirror in your hand and you look at your vulva, part your labia with your fingers or stick your fingers inside, part the labia and bare down with your pelvic
Starting point is 00:15:52 floor muscles that like bare down motion. You're like plying pressure. Then that flush expanding into view with little ridges coming down as you're looking, that's your G area. That's it. You can see it right there. So that's again why vaginal intercourse with the penis is not the most effective way to stimulate that area. Well, it might feel good, it's not going to give you the screaming orgasms. And if you've never had one before, you've never had this internal kind of orgasm, just explore it during solo sex. I mean, now that I've given you a roadmap here,
Starting point is 00:16:28 aren't you curious? Like, I don't know about you, but does this make you want to go home and like pull apart your legs and look and see if you could see it? I almost feel like you should stop this right now and do it and then come back. Tell me, do you have questions?
Starting point is 00:16:40 Could you not find it? Send me an email. But it is there. Just take a look. Might be your first time. Once you've found it? Send me an email. But it is there. Just take a look. Might be your first time. Once you found it, you see it, try inserting a finger or two or use a toy and you can stroke the G area. Think of it like a come-hither motion, a come-here motion if you're waving someone
Starting point is 00:16:58 to come over with your fingers. Now be patient because this kind of orgasm does require continuous slower stimulation. Maybe like I said get a rouse, have that clitoral orgasm first, because the clitoral orgasm is going to bring the blood flow to the G area, make it a lot easier for you to have another orgasm. And also, understanding this cycle of clitoris to G-area is gonna help you have more multiple orgasms, which is really possible and probable for the majority of people with a vulva, because we can do that. That's the way we're built. We just don't often know the sequence and how to make it happen, so that's why we're breaking it down for
Starting point is 00:17:40 you today into these specifics. Alright, let's get into squirting, because if we're talking about G-area orgasms, we have to talk about squirting, AKA female ejaculation. Now, squirting has become a really popular sex goal in recent years. And I'm just gonna say, this is pornography. People were asking 20 years ago about squirting
Starting point is 00:17:59 as much as they are now when porn is ubiquitous and squirting just seems cool and people all want to squirt. But not every Volvo owner wants to squirt. So don't be pressured into figuring this path out. But if you do want to and you want to figure it out, most Volvo owners can learn to ejaculate even if they never have before.
Starting point is 00:18:17 That's the thing with sex. There's a lot of things that haven't happened yet, but for some reason we ascribe it to I can't or I never will or I'll never be able to have a multiple orgasm or I'll never be able to squirt or never and never and never just because we haven't yet. And I understand that because I used to believe that the fact that I hadn't had different kinds of Orgasms, but I had a lot of sex. I'd had a lot of penetrative sex. I made the blanket assumption that I would never have any other kinds of orgasms.
Starting point is 00:18:45 I wouldn't be able to orgasm during penetration and I would only have these clitoral orgasms because I did the math. I was like, well, I've been with penises and it didn't happen. So something's probably wrong with me. So that's why I can't encourage you all enough to go on your own pleasure journey of exploration because I promise you where you are at today sexually with your sex life and with your orgasms is not the place that you're gonna stay you have to take time and effort really into understanding your pleasure. Back to ejaculation. Remember those Skiens glands I said or just above the G area
Starting point is 00:19:16 you're like what's a Skiens gland? Well their main job is to secrete fluid into the urethra to keep it lubricated. So that's what they do when you get a rouse. They're going to take fluid and keep it lubricated. But during orgasmic muscle contractions, the fluid can also expel out and voila, that is squirting. Now, this also takes practice. Might feel like you have to pee, but when the fluid comes out, it is a pleasurable surprise, can feel like a very thrilling release as well.
Starting point is 00:19:47 And it has traces of urine in it. This has been a huge debate. I just gotta cover the pee debate. The pee thing. People are like, oh, it's pee, and I don't wanna do it, or I do wanna. I say who the hell cares, throw a blanket down, and just experience a sensation.
Starting point is 00:20:01 But when you feel like you have to start to pee, you can take the figures or the toy or the penis out of your vagina to clear the pathway for the ejaculate and then you just bear down with your belly and pelvic floor muscles. So one important thing to note is that you can orgasm without squirting and you can't squirt
Starting point is 00:20:19 without having an orgasm. And in fact, this whole hype around squirting, which is fine and good and a fun party trick, for many, many Volvo owners, it has nothing to do with orgasm. It just can feel like a release, it can feel cool, it's something different, but it's not synonymous necessarily
Starting point is 00:20:37 with the most incredible orgasm of your life happen because you squirted. That's just not related, but I wanna give you the facts here, okay? And just remember, sex is messy, embrace that. And once you embrace that, you'll have so much less stress and anxiety and shame in the bedroom.
Starting point is 00:20:52 You're like, I got it, sex is hot and fun and sticky and messy and that's all part of it. Okay, let's talk about dry orgasms. This is another really popular fantasy in recent years and that's when the penis owners have an orgasm without ejaculating. So there's a few reasons why this can happen. It can happen after a penis owner has already ejaculated so basically their well has run dry. They're like, I have ejaculated all I can and that's it. Tri-orgasms can also occur when semen isn't expelled from the tip of the penis and instead flows back into the
Starting point is 00:21:24 bladder. And that can happen time to time. This is not a cause for concern. The semen isn't expelled from the tip of the penis and instead flows back into the bladder. And that can happen time to time. This is not a cause for concern. The semen will just leave the body the next time the penis owner urinates. Semen retention. So this has also become popular in recent years. It's the process of learning to intentionally have a dry orgasm. The reason why many penis owners might do this practice because it helps them maintain
Starting point is 00:21:43 an erection after they have an orgasm so they can last longer before ejaculating. And this practice can also help penis owners have multiple orgasms. Now why would someone want to do this? Why would a guy be like, oh, I love ejaculating. It's really easy for me, but I'm going to stop it. I'm going to leave that orgasm inside me to circulate around. Like, what are you even talking about? Well, there has been research that has shown that it can improve sperm motility and
Starting point is 00:22:07 also increase testosterone levels. So for some penis owners, this practice of not ejaculating but having an orgasm, which is a practice, can maybe help them with testosterone levels. And also, according to some Tantric sex traditions and other traditions, retaining semen can also enhance your life force energy or your chi. So the guys I know who have practiced in this area
Starting point is 00:22:36 say that they do feel like the less they ejaculate, they still are sexual and they still have sexual activity but they don't ejaculate, the more embodied they feel, the more clear, the more purposeful in their life. So you gotta try it out and see how it works for you. You let me know. So lastly, we're talking about hands-free orgasms. And this is any orgasm that occurs
Starting point is 00:22:56 without stimulating your genitals with your hands, hence hands-free. So this can include orgasms through toy use, oral or penetrative sex. So this is like nipple play, water play, dry humping like it used to do. But I think what a lot of people are interested in is tontric sex, orgasmic breathing, fantasizing, using your brain to actually think your way to orgasm, which is possible.
Starting point is 00:23:19 So like tontric sex is basically using like mindfulness and deep connection to help people have more connection. What can really help with that is orgasmic breathing because breathing exercises are a great way to better connect with your entire body and feel more in tune with pleasure. And this can be more of a practice or a challenge. You gotta learn how to do this orgasmic breathing,
Starting point is 00:23:41 but it can be really, really gratifying. And what I love about orgasmic breathing is that it's practice that you'll get better at over time, but you basically just get into a comfortable position and you focus on slow, deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. When you inhale, you focus on your breath extending down to your pelvic floor, and then you relax
Starting point is 00:24:01 and you're increasing the area's blood flow when you're really focusing on, it doesn't actually reach your pelvic floor, but if you can picture it and you're increasing the area's blood flow when you're really focusing on where it doesn't actually reach your pelvic floor, but if you can picture it and you're picturing your breath going deep down into your pelvic floor, you're going to start to feel more connected to your all your sex organs. You can also experiment with flexing and releasing your pelvic floor muscles kind of like a Kaggle exercise. You're sort of pumping those muscles as you breathe. You might not achieve orgasm the first time
Starting point is 00:24:29 these things take practice, it can take a lot of sessions, but this kind of breathing can be very satisfying. It can be very pleasing and pleasurable, and it can also help you release anxiety, feel more present, and really just feel more connected to your body. Phantasizing is another way that people could have a hands-free orgasm. You're just using the power of your mind and your mental state to increase your arousal and bring you to orgasm. So this would be thinking about something that turned you on and maybe using your hands
Starting point is 00:24:59 to explore different parts of your body but not necessarily stimulating your genitals directly. And you also wanna bring in some breath work here, fantasizing, using your brain, using your mind. So all these things are possible for some hands-free pleasure. I also have a great article about masterclass with lots of information about hands-free orgasms,
Starting point is 00:25:18 which I will link in the show notes. I already wouldn't stick around because after a quick break for our sponsors, I'll be answering your orgasm questions like help. my partner seems to think orgasms are bad for you. But before then real quick, I got to tell you about Layla one of my top sex toy brands. They make the most beautiful award-winning luxury toys and this Valentine's Day they literally have the perfect toy to connect you and your partner on Valentine's Day. The Tianni Duo.
Starting point is 00:25:44 It's a dual action couples massager that will help you and yours connect on Valentine's Day, the Tiani Duo. It's a dual action couples massager that will help you and yours connect on a deeper level both physically and emotionally. So the Tiani Duo has two powerful motors that delivers deep vibrations both inside and out during penetration. That's right, if you've never used a wearable couples toy before, here's how they work. So you insert the thinner end into a Volvo owner's vagina and bend the top part over so the second motor stimulates her clitoris. Now the partner can penetrate them with the toy still inside. You get it?
Starting point is 00:26:16 It's so cool. So it delivers incredible sensations to everyone involved. Everyone's getting vibrated and loving it. The Tiani Dual also has a remote control so you and your partner can seamlessly take turn controlling the vibrations. So do it right this Valentine's Day. Have way more pleasure. That's what I want for you. Plus, Layla was offering up to 50% off site-wide through the end of February. So check them out. I'm just going to put a link in the show notes. Let's talk about how we can elevate our intimate and sexual experiences during the most romantic month of the year.
Starting point is 00:26:53 Well, Permescent, the award-winning brand that's all about enhancing your bedroom performance, is here to help you rock your partner's world this Valentine's Day. First off, their trusted delay spray. Think of it as your secret weapon for lasting longer in the bedroom. So it's a lidocaine-based spray that gently numbs the most sensitive nerves in your penis. It gives you control, more stamina, but still with a lot of sensation. Just a couple of sprays, 10 minutes before any kind of sex, and you're all set for a longer night of pleasure. They've also got their warming arousal gel for vulva owners. Picture this, a warm, tingling sensation that sends waves of pleasure. They've also got the warming arousal gel for vulva owners. Picture this, a warm tingling sensation
Starting point is 00:27:26 that sends waves of pleasure right to your clitoris, instantly enhancing sensitivity and boosting blood flow, making every touch that much more pleasurable. So this Valentine's Day, spice it up with permessants to lay spray and warming arousal gel. Head over to slash Emily to automatically get 15% off at checkout.
Starting point is 00:27:44 With permessant, you'll always enjoy free shipping, a 60-day money-back guarantee, and discrete delivery. So whether you're looking to last longer or just add a little extra sizzle, Primescent has got you covered. Remember it's That's com slash Emily for 15% off. This is from Christina 47 in Massachusetts. Hey Dr. Emily, I recently discovered your podcast after listening to you on the Mel Robbins podcast.
Starting point is 00:28:17 Why do men feel that the jackhammer technique is the way to have sex? I tried to tell my husband that I wanted to go slow, which was how we started the other night. However, it ended in a Jackhammer session so he could finish, like usual. I feel embarrassed talking about this subject with him. He's a bit more old school,
Starting point is 00:28:34 and I feel like I've explored more prior to us getting married. How can I talk to him without the fear of being judged? Is this something all men do? Help. All right, Christina, this is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart, because the jackhammer is not a crowd pleaser, not at all.
Starting point is 00:28:51 It works for guys and it's the way they are used to having sex because it makes it a lot easier for them to finish that way. Because in that position, they're able to move fast enough, they're able to hit the glands of their penis, the most sensitive parts, and know that they're gonna have an orgasm when they're able to hit the glands of their penis, the most sensitive parts, and know that they're gonna have an orgasm when they speed up, and that's a practice.
Starting point is 00:29:09 That's how they've always done it, that's how they probably do it with their hands. They move fast, and let's remember that's also what we see in porn. But your request is totally valid and probably required because here's the rub. While penis owners require this fast stimulation to get off at the end,
Starting point is 00:29:30 vulva owners for many of us, it takes a while to build up and get into our true erotic arousal. And in fact, for many women, it can take up to 40 minutes. So if he's starting out fast and then finishing fast, you're probably not getting anything pleasurable happening in this situation. Now, what could happen is he could be
Starting point is 00:29:47 slow and sensual and to ensure that you're getting aroused and turned on and then maybe you have your orgasm and then he could speed up but it doesn't sound like any of that is happening and now I know that you said you haven't talked to him about it and he's a little bit old-school but remember this is also your partner, your husband, someone that you live with that you've committed your life to. And while I get that it can be uncomfortable and you feel embarrassed talking to him about sex, the truth of the matter is the more comfortable you get talking to him about your sex life in a real, honest, authentic way
Starting point is 00:30:22 without blaming or shaming him or allowing him to feel bad, the more likely you are to get your needs met. So maybe we don't start with the jackhammer part, you just start with a conversation saying to him, you know, I know there's something we don't often do, it seems like it might make you uncomfortable, what would you be open to talking about our sex life and things that we both desire?
Starting point is 00:30:42 And you said you did mention to him once before that you wanted him to do the jackhammer and he started that way but didn't finish that way. So if I were you in this conversation with him, remember my three T's of communication, timing, tone, and turf, you got to find the right time when you guys are relaxed and chill. The turf is outside the bedroom and the tone is curious and open and collaborative. So if you do it in that way, you could also say, you know what? You could use my compliment sandwich approach. Start with the two pieces of bread on either side
Starting point is 00:31:12 are the compliments and the middle part is the feedback. So you could say, gosh, our sex last night, I loved when we were going slow, that felt really good. And then the second part, the middle, I noticed that, it felt great for a while, but then you sped up in the end. And then the second part, the middle, I noticed that it felt great for a while, but then you sped up in the end. And then the third part is, I really think that I would be able to learn
Starting point is 00:31:30 to experience more pleasure in my body if we could continue to slow down, not break out into the jackhammer. And I think this would really enhance the experience for both of us. Make that your own, but it's a way to compliment, let him know everything's good with this extra having, give a request and then finish it up with why it's good for both of you. Make that your own, but it's a way to compliment, let him know everything's good with the sex you're having, give a request and then finish it up with why it's good
Starting point is 00:31:47 for both of you. That's the formula. But again, he's not used to talking about sex, be prepared for some pushback. He might feel criticized, he might be hurting his ego. This is why we all don't talk about sex. Because of this ego part of it, we don't wanna hurt our partner's feelings.
Starting point is 00:32:03 But I really think if you do it in a thoughtful way, let him know what a anti-jackhammer sex sesh would look like for you, and why it would be such a turn on, you might just get him to pay attention, listen, and change some of his ways. And most guys are gonna need some really fast, furious strokes of their penis to come.
Starting point is 00:32:25 So whether it's with their hand or jackhammering, really fast, furious strokes of their penis to come. So whether it's with their hand or jackhammering, he's likely still going to have to jackhammer at some point. So let me normalize that for a second. But it doesn't mean you got to jackhammer way the whole time. What I'd like to see is more of an understanding about your process, what gets you to orgasm, what turns you on and have that conversation with him, and then see how you guys can learn to finish.
Starting point is 00:32:47 But yeah, the jackhammer is probably here to stay, but I just want everyone to manage their jackhammers, have conversations with your partners about what you actually need so then they can have also what they need and everybody leaves happy and satisfied. Thanks for your question. I appreciate you, Christina. This is from B-27 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm looking for guidance on an issue
Starting point is 00:33:10 that's completely new to me. I've just begun seeing someone after a very long relationship, and I frankly don't have much experience. The person I am seeing now has read Cupid's Poison Arrow, a book on practicing gentler, slower, stiller intercourse. And while I don't understand a lot of it, it seems to state that orgasms are bad for your mental health and your relationships. This does not feel right to me, but I don't know how to respond.
Starting point is 00:33:32 And while I do want to be respectful to her non-orgasm goals, I just don't know how to do that. I would love any advice. All right, thank you so much for your question. So it seems that this book's main focus is more about maintaining connection and passion and intimacy after the honeymoon period, after the initial stages of the relationship. And there are many ways to do that, and there are many ways that involve orgasms. It sounds like your partner is focusing on the choresome method,
Starting point is 00:34:02 and that states a slow and sensual way of having sex that entirely removes climax from the sexual equation, leaving space for emotional connection and heightened affection. I love the idea of delaying orgasm, taking orgasm out temporarily to focus on connection and it can be fun to not have that goal of the orgasm. Cassana is more anxious about having an orgasm and we're worrying about having an orgasm, that'll take you out of the moment. So it's encouraging you to think more about touching and caressing beyond just the genitals. Also a great method for people with disabilities
Starting point is 00:34:32 or chronic pain, but at the same time, you should be allowed to have orgasms and definitely not shamed for it. And despite what your partner thinks or what you're gleaned from this book, orgasms are not bad for your mental health. Studies have shown that orgasms boost your mood with feel-good hormones, improve your sleep, they can help with pain, and yes, strengthen your relationship.
Starting point is 00:34:55 So I think going back to her and saying I'm really interested in, tell me more about what about this process feels really good to you, Why is it important to you to go slower? I'm all on board, but let me hear more about it. And then you can come armed with some of your information about you'd really like your relationship focusing on sex and connection. And you also think orgasms for you at least are gonna be important part of your sexual roadmap
Starting point is 00:35:22 and your arousal process. And I don't think that this could be one or the other, you guys could probably have to come up with a way to compromise so everyone's having pleasure. Okay B, thanks so much for your question. Let me know how it goes. This is from Vanessa, she's 21 years old. Hey Dr. Emily, I love the show.
Starting point is 00:35:38 My boyfriend gave me lots of head which always leads to amazing orgasms. The only problem is I'm not living in the moment when he's going down to me. I find like to get to the point of orgasm and set myself over the edge, I have to imagine scenarios in my head, just like when I masturbate.
Starting point is 00:35:53 I feel so bad because he makes me feel amazing and I feel like I should be focusing on how hard he is and how he makes me feel without needing to get deep into imaginary situations. I want to enjoy the moment itself and not have to use my imagination to be able to orgasm help. All right Vanessa, great question. So here's the thing about fantasies and imagining things to bring ourselves to orgasm. It's common, it's normal, a lot of us do it, and it has a purpose. It's sort of is that thing that gets you there,
Starting point is 00:36:24 it's the sure thing, you definitely are used to doing it during masturbation. It's sort of is that thing that gets you there. It's the short thing. You definitely are used to doing it during masturbation. And really what this is telling me is you have a habit. It's gotten into the neuro pathways of your brain and the way you orgasm. And so now you know when you get to this point, this is the only way you know to date how to orgasm is thinking about these scenarios.
Starting point is 00:36:42 But here's the cool thing. You can also learn to retrain your brain and your body to have orgasms in different ways. This is what this work is all about, sexual exploration. A lot of us can orgasm one way, but if we put in the time, we could all learn how to orgasm in many, many, many different ways.
Starting point is 00:36:59 So what I would urge you to practice to do is, if this doesn't work for you anymore, you wanna try something different, is next time he's going down on you, as much as you find yourself wanting to go off to fantasy land, if you could bring yourself back into the moment and start to focus on the physical sensations that you are feeling in your body,
Starting point is 00:37:16 maybe focus on the five senses. So when we do that, we go around the five senses, like what you're seeing, what you're hearing, what you're smelling, then it takes you back into the present moment and you won't be able to go into fantasy. So maybe you could start to look at it this way. He's between your legs. So for a sight, you could look and say, God, this is so hot at this.
Starting point is 00:37:35 My partner is just loving me up so much and going down to me. That feels amazing, right? Looking at that. And what am I hearing? I'm hearing his mouth against my vulva and that's like those noises are really a turn on. What am I smelling? Maybe you're smelling sex in the air or candle. So if you do that and you bring yourself back to the moment,
Starting point is 00:37:53 then you might really be able to get into your body and feel what is happening in that moment. Breathing deeply will also help you stay anchored and grounded in the moment. Like a really long breath, where you are inhaling for five counts and you're exhaling for five counts. And if you do that a few times, along with the going through your senses and keeping yourself present, you'll be able to stay more anchored in the moment and start to train
Starting point is 00:38:20 yourself a new way to feel arousal because when you are more present with what's actually happening, you'll start to feel sensations in your body. You'll start to feel your pelvic floor or more. You'll start to feel the blood rushing to your clitoris in your genital area and how it starts to swell. You'll even start to feel more enhanced connection to your partner. So it's a practice. Don't beat yourself up if you try this and then you go back to fantasizing and then you go back to the senses and you go back to fantasizing because anytime We're learning a new spiritual practice or meditative practice. It's a practice. It takes time So you're not gonna get this on the first time around
Starting point is 00:38:51 I don't think but the more intentions you set around wanting to be present and focused with your partner the more likely you are to Make this happen and then you'll be able to orgasm in a lot of different ways because you're only just beginning. Thanks Vanessa able to do it orgasm in a lot of different ways because you're only just beginning. Thanks Vanessa. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.
Starting point is 00:39:19 You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to slash AskEmily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at

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