Sex With Emily - Out of Your Head, Better in Bed

Episode Date: February 25, 2017

When it comes to sex and dating, sometimes the greatest thing that’s holding us back… is us. On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and helping you get you out of your heads and into your beds—with tips of course! Have you been having trouble climaxing with a partner? Wondering how to find people to play with, now that you’ve reached your sexual peak? What’s the secret to balancing a family life with a hot sex life? Emily talks callers through their bedroom dilemmas, and provides a few “Do’s” and “Don’ts” to perfect your dating profile. So whether you need help climaxing, swiping, or getting started with solo play, this show has the info you need. Don’t miss it!   Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: ZOLA, Sportsheets, FT London, Fleshlight and System JO Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. If you've got sex or relationship question, you're gonna call me, right? This show is all about your calls. I love it. So today's show, the topics include finding a playmate to help you enjoy your sexual peak, trouble climaxing with a partner,

balancing a busy family life with an even hotter sex life, turning casual dates into something more and tips to get you started on your solo sex adventures. Thanks for listening! Look into his eyes! They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn! You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily?

What do you mean, like, laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my god. I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information head right over to sexethemely.com. You can have a party on our website. Now, you know, we updated every single day. If you've been there with blogs and videos and things to help you have better sex and relationships and while you're there, please subscribe to our podcast.

It really helps the show when you subscribe. It's easy, just click the subscribe button there on the site. It's easy, then you'll know we do two shows a week We really shows on Tuesdays and Fridays. You'll never miss show again And then you can also rate it on iTunes. We love that. I love five stars But no pressure also follow us on social media. I've never wondering what really goes on here in the office pretty freaking interesting I have to say it's like no other job. I took us out an Instagram and Snapchat and

Twitter and Facebook. It's all at sexwithamilyfacebook.com slash sexwithamily. And that's why I got a slide. So I hope you're all doing well. And to February, I hope you all made it through Valentine's Day. You know, Valentine's is also a big break up day. So a lot of you are thinking, like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm a date again. I'm going gonna pick up the apps. If you relapsed, I'll give credit to Ken for that statement, Ken who works for me. I'm like, what's it called? All my friends download the dating apps, they download Tinder and Bumble,

and then all of a sudden a month later, they're like, I deleted all the apps, I can't do it. And the three months later, they're like, okay, I'm back on Bumble, it's a relapse, a relapse. So if you, even if you re-apped, and now you've downloaded the apps, I thought this story was interesting about how you can actually hire someone.

I'm going to jump to sex in the news and give you some tips about your dating profile. But this is a story that came out that you can hire someone to curate your Tinder. So there's a British company called Fantastic Services. Usually dedicated to dispatching cleaners and handyman, but now they want to swipe through customers' tinder profiles as well, and we are all the trash to find gems for you. And so for a price, they'll do like 500 to 5,000 swipes, present its paying customers with a curated selection of ideal tinder matches.

And so they're like, it's funny that they're going to do your gardening, pest control, and handyman, oh, and we'll swipe your tinder. So that's not a bad thing. I want someone to kind of swipe my Tinder too, because I get exhausted by these apps. I like them. I do the same thing. I don't necessarily delete them. I just don't like turn them on.

But, you know, I think if you're looking to find someone, I think the apps are great. And also, don't forget that when you're out in the real world before the apps, that's how we all did it, right? So there's great opportunities in real life, IRL, to meet people. And just remember, like a lot of us now are on our cell phones, we're not paying attention, and we're not looking up, and we're not making eye contact. And I was just forgetting how to even talk to people and communicate. So that's important, too, because I'm sure you're out there in the world doing your things.

And also another great tip, too, when you're single, it's good to just let everyone know that you're single. Like not a desert way, you don't have to walk around with like a sandwich board. But if you're talking to your friends, they're like, how are you doing? You're like, yeah, I'm dating. If you know anyone, fix me up.

Because they might not know when at that moment, but the next day they might hear someone, they'll fix you up. So just let everyone know you're single. Like when you're looking for a job, it works. So here's just some do's and don'ts. Also, if you don't want to hire this service, it's also like cutting down your trees to sweat for you.

Here's some tips for building a really good app, a profile. Because I think a lot of us, we're not great at marketing ourselves. We don't know what looks good. It happens here all the time in the office. I'm like, isn't this a cute picture? And I'm like, not great at marketing ourselves. We don't know what looks good. It happens here all the time in the office. I'm like, isn't this a cute picture? And I'm like, nah, not so much. We don't know. So sometimes you have a good friend you can ask,

but sometimes there's just a few tips that you can follow that will help you. So I think a great thing is to post the best pictures that represent the things that you love. Just besides, this is a really hot selfie of me. But if you like fishing or camping or going to the museum and you got picture of you, you know, painting, doing something other than drinking with a red solo cup. I mean, I don't know. To me, that's a turn off. If you're just drinking with your friends all the time, nothing wrong with drinking with

friends. Love doing that. But I don't know. It's good to show that you're out doing things in the world. So pick the best pictures that represent things you love. It's okay to pass a by friend. I'm like, hey, what do you think of these photos?

That's that bad thing. If you're a guy, ask your girlfriends, if you're a girl, ask your guy friends, get that sample. Also, don't pick a shot of you and you're like five closest best friends as your default picture. Because if it takes me like a few seconds to like locate who you are, you know, like, wait, which one is this guy? Which one is this girl?

There's a good chance that like, I'm going to swipe right past you and that's what happens. Like, I never understand when I'm swiping any guys like three dudes or whatever, I mean, who are you? I don't have a lot of time. They make these apps quick. They're like the fast food of dating. If I can't figure out what I want on this menu, I'm going to keep swiping. So, I don't need to see your friends, you know, I just want to see you.

So, that's a don't. Do provide a well-rounded bio. So, you can pick your own style for writing like your bio, like that's good. It should give like a good peek at like your personality, your interest, and like the life that you lead. And it's really good to be specific. Everyone hiking, biking, long walks on the beach. But to tell a story, I think is much better.

So to say, last summer, I was on a safari and got chased by a lion. God, I love animals, but I almost had a near death experience. I don't know. I think it's just funny to tell a story that kind of gets people's interest to kind of explain your interest through a story or last year I hit one of my peaks of climbing

by one of my major personal goals of climbing Mount Everest because it taught me blah, blah, blah. Not like in a cheesy way, but more than just like a list. I guess I'm just saying get away from lists and just kind of like tell a story about what you like rather than like just listing, okay? Don't lie about your identity. Like people can Google you, they can find out, don't lie about your age, your name, your height,

we know how tall you are, your relationship status, any like minute details of your life. Because it's like the worst way to start out a meaningful relationship is by lying. Like you're already a liar, right? And nothing says like lack of confidence than lying in falsehoods. So I think that you just gotta be real, man. Be real, talk about who you are. Don't lie, we'll figure it out.

Include your occupation. Like only if you're comfortable with it, like you could say I'm a doctor, but if you like work at a very specific place, you don't have to list it. But I think comfortable with it, like you could say, I'm a doctor, but if you're working a very specific place, you don't have to list it, but I think it's important, like a lot of times you wanna know who you are that you actually are employed, that you have a job,

and if you're career's laying your passion out, it's cool to do that. I've also read some studies that say, like it's, a lot of apps now want you to link to your social media. So if you feel comfortable, it gives you, lend you credibility. So linking to your Instagram or link to your social media. So if you feel comfortable, it gives you lends you credibility. So linking to your Instagram or linking to your Twitter

can kind of show, kind of make people feel safer and kind of look more, like, look a little bit more into who you are. So I think that that's, if you're comfortable with that, that's a great way to kind of round out your profile. Here's another thing. I said it came out that the people don't like people brag, which is confusing now because I'm saying, we all think, oh, I'm going to talk about my best thing.

So if you graduated top of your class or you have a bunch of really nice cars or you want all these awards, that's great. Maybe that comes later on when you get to know someone, but I think that bragging is a huge turn off. That's why another reason why they said, it's once you get to know someone, but I think that bragging is a huge turn off. And that's why another reason why they said, it's great to link to social media and other things that will kind of substantiate those claims or will show those things about you

rather than you having to tell them. And also, don't write an autobiography or leave your profile blank. Like, there's a sweet spot, okay? There's a sweet spot. No one wants to read a ton of things, a ton of word, like ton of word like five paragraphs, and actually a lot of the bios just give you 500 words,

but if it's too short, you come on, if it's lazy and cocky, maybe like, oh, does she just think she's hot or he just think he's a super good looking and that he doesn't have to write anything? But if it's too long, you're like, oh, I can't even read this, I gotta keep going. So, again, there's a sweet spot.

Share what you're looking for in a relationship. You know, everyone like uses uses apps in a different way, so it can be hard to tell. If you found someone that you're on the same page, so if you're looking for casual partner, say that you're looking for a casual partner. It'll save you a lot of time. It'll save that person a lot of time.

And if you're looking for something serious, put that down. I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'm not looking for a casual hookup. It says, I appreciate when, put that down. I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'm not looking for a casual hookup. It says, I appreciate when people put that down on their bios, because like then I know, we're on the same page or we're not. Also, do not, even though I'm leading a sentence

with negatives, do not lead with the negatives. Talk about what you do like in detail. You don't have to list all your dislikes off the bat. Like, don't you hate traffic in LA, don't you hate when chicks just ghost on you. I mean, you really like like, what? Don't you hate it when all this stuff happens right? You're not Jerry Seinfeld.

And the same things goes that what when you share like what you're looking for to partner, like it's okay to say like, you know, like, you know, hope you love dogs because I love dogs too. Or I really like whiskey, but like don't list like what you're not into. Like someone who's lazy and only sits on the couch or like, you know, hope you love dogs, because I love dogs too, or I really like whiskey, but like don't list like what you're not into, like someone who's lazy and only sits on the couch or like, I had a guy who said like, I mean, I read a guy who's like,

if you have a cat, swipe right, you know? Like, I don't know, to me that was offensive, I guess if you've allowed these to cast, but just like, really, you just like cut out a whole bunch of like, cat women, I don't know, it just seems sort of negative to me, anyway, even though I don't have a cat. I didn't like that. Now I get what you're saying, you might think,

oh, but I'm just being funny here. I'm just being honest, I don't like redheads, like swipe the other way. But this kind of makes you look like a rude judgemental jerk. And I just don't like judgey people. Now there are judgey people or targeted judgey people, but I just don't like that's the right way

to live in the world. It's not gonna get you far in work life. I can tell you that, and I don't know. I just don't think that it's just a mature way of living in the world. So's not gonna get you far in like work life. I can tell you that and I don't know. I just don't think that it's just a mature way of living in the world. So you never know who you end up vibing with. Like what if the cat lady is the woman of your dreams, okay? So keep an open mind or at least a very open-minded

dating profile, okay? Do that for me. Okay, so now we're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors. I so appreciate everybody for supporting our sponsors. You know I only like talk about products and services and toys and things that I've personally used in my body, on my body, in my mouth, meaning like foods and stuff like that, of course. But thank you for supporting them. We'll be right back.

Okay, you guys, we're on to calls now. If you have a question, you want me to answer on the show? I love that. So easy to submit your questions. Go to sexwithanley.com. Click on Ask Emily tab. Fill out the form, hit submit. That is it.

And there's an option to click call in, so you can call into the podcast. Get your question answered live. You can also leave me a voicemail. When I ask SWE1, it include your some information like your gender your age Where you live and how you listen to the show can't wait to hear from you Okay, we have Kyle. He's 35 from Baltimore and he's got some orgasm issues Kyle's having trouble climaxing when he's with the partner and wants to overcome this dilemma Hey, Kyle. Thanks for calling Hi, thanks for having me.

Of course, of course, tell me what's going on. Okay, so 35 and I only started having sex about 10 months ago. Okay. Which I know was really late in life and I've been meeting a lot of people online and I've had different sexual partners and I haven't been able to climax with any of them. Okay. All right, so do you masturbate? Yes. And you're able to climax pretty regularly every time. Pretty regularly, like 80, 90 percent. Okay, and how long does it typically take when you're masturbating? I don't know anywhere from five to 20 minutes or so I guess.

Okay. And are you watching porn or are you thinking? Most of the time watching porn. Okay. But ironically sometimes I'm thinking about my sexual encounters and climaxing from that. That's ironic at all. No, dude, that's old school. That's good.

That's how you did it before. There was porn to watch so readily. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So when you're with these parents, the few things that you're going on here, are you feeling like you're nervous when you're with them? I mean, no, you're having sex.

So, like, is there just like, are you in your head the whole time? Are you thinking, like, oh my god, I'm not going to come? You know what I mean? Like, what's going through your head? Yeah, kind of that. Like, is it going to happen? And actually, sometimes early on, when I'm with somebody, I can tell early on, I kind of psyched myself out and just go, I'm not going to happen this time. See, that's what happens. So, how about the first time you had sex, which was recently? Did you think that? You probably didn't think that.

You probably thought that you would, right? Because you had sex before. Sure. Sure. I probably thought that I think I thought that it was going to happen very quickly, you know. Right. OK.

And then it didn't. And then the next time you thought, OK, it's not going to happen. It's going to happen. And then you got yourself into this loop. So that could be part of it. That could be part of it is that you've got yourself into the situation where you're like, I don't know if I'm going to come. And I won't. And then you kind of like, that could be part of it. That could be part of it is that you've got yourself into the situation where you're like,

I don't know if I'm gonna come and I won't. And then you kind of like, it could be in your mind, a lot of this, right? And you kind of are in a cycle. Now, are you getting like sufficiently, are you turned on by these women you're with? Oh, yeah. Okay, you said, oh, yeah.

I mean, not every, it varies like there's degrees of a rouse Oh, but most of the time I don't have any trouble, you know staying around Okay, so you say rouse and you find them are you is there foreplay going on? Yeah Okay, what kind of foreplay talked like what's I don't know. It's normal. I need to know that you know normal What tell me for you, what's that? Like, I was normal. Normal, as in kissing and, you know,

every petting and, you know, some, um, hand play and the oral and stuff like that. Okay, so are they going down on you and you're getting aroused? Yeah. Okay, and then do you feel then that you might be able to ejaculate? No, I don't know.

Doesn't feel like you're getting close. Okay, so you heard it start every sex. I mean, I'm just not sure here what's going on, because I don't know. Like, I'm wondering if you've like delayed ejaculation, but that's typically when a guy needs like, which is like a condition that some guys have. Like, it's like premature ejaculation,

but it's delayed ejaculation when a guy needs like 30 minutes, at least of sexual stimulation to reach orgasm and ejaculate. And a lot of these like times happens because the guy is feeling anxious or it could be depressed, or it could be like reactions to kind of medication. So you want any medication? No, no. No medication. Do you drink?

No. I don't. In fact, well, I mean, I'll drink during the day I'll have a drink. But in fact, I've never been drunk before. Wow. OK. Good. Have you had about anxiety?

Any anxiety in your life? No. You're pretty chill, too. You're a unusual person. Right. I guess so. OK. I'm just wondering if that might be something

that's going on with you. Or maybe are these women that you've been with, do you actually know them, or is it more like one night encounters? Have you built a more of a relationship with people that you feel safe and that you trust? Okay, most of them have been just one or two times sort of things.

I've never really had a long-term stay-up relationship. Right. Okay. I've dated a few for maybe a couple of months, but that's pretty much it. Okay, in the last 10 months, you've dated for a few months or before that. Right. Well, in the last couple of years, I've dated a few here and there. Obviously, I didn't have sex in the couple of months.

Right. So what happened 10 months ago when you were like, okay, I'm ready to have sex now. I don't know. I guess I was just kind of tired of being afraid of it. Okay. And then it turned out to be like, so not a big deal. Right. Isn't that funny? Like the things that we fear so much? Like, what was the big deal about that? But I'm curious when you said that you were afraid of it. Do you know where that came from? When that started, was there something that happened in your childhood? Was there anything you can point to?

No, I guess I just always had anxiety and I came to the opposite sex because I grew up overweight. I was always a childy kid. And then when I finally lost the baby fat, I still had that sort of fact hidden mentality and I was always nervous around winning. Right, right. And so now it's actually happening after all these years and you just don't feel like you're the Kyle

that you are today. Do you still think of yourself as that other Kyle? Because it sounds like when you delayed, you know, you have a sex, probably think about sex for a long long time and it's the first time that there's like all this stuff going on in your head That it that is built up, but it's become like this whole thing. So I'm wondering I have two things say like first of all Maybe it would maybe delaying sex with these people I know you've delayed sex for a long time But maybe some of these women find someone you really like like just got these with women without

Having sex on your mind or at least having the intention of having sex right away and find one of these women that you actually like and go out with them a few times. And then like a lot of times like kind of we need to trust in the safety and security and know it's actually a good person, that's like a one night stand. And you might feel like more relaxed, like you don't have to perform or you don't do it perfectly. And you might feel like you're able to have an orgasm. If it's just like a worn off first time thing

that might not work for you. And you know, it sounds like it's not working for you. So I'm just saying like switch up the scenario you actually know these women is like women and human and not just like, I'm not saying you're like objectifying them. But just kind of like in a safer place. With them where you're like, oh, I trust them. And if I come, if I don't come, but just kind of like in a safer place. With them, where you're like, oh, I trust them, and if I come, I come,

if I don't come, I don't come. But it doesn't like freak you out. So that would be one second. And the other thing is like, if you feel like it's your anxiety and from the past, and I see yourself, therapy, not a bad thing. Not a bad thing to talk to to someone who's more experienced,

like finding like a sexologist or a sex coach, like in your area, like in Baltimore, I might know someone, make you recommend. Somebody who specifically deals with men and these kinds of issues, these kinds of challenges in the bedroom. Because it's very specific, you know, like I feel like this is like a specific thing that's happening, you've waited while I've sex, having some issues around like, you know, that you're the chubby kid and now you're not and you're still kind of holding on to that. So I would try one of those two things.

Have you ever had therapy before? Talk to anyone about this? I was considering it before I started having sex because I was like, I got to get over this hump. I got to get over the hump and hump. But now you're having the, I get it. And you're there. So you got to have a one-up.

You're like, oh, not a big deal, but there's still some things lingering lingering and I don't know if you want to like also get checked out by your doctor Because if it is like delayed ejaculation, there's a lot of things which is like a like there could be some things going on Have you gotten checked out by a doctor at all lately? No, okay Was there any like cultural or religious stuff going on when you were a kid? Okay, all right. No guilt around sex at all. Okay, I mean I just think get checked out. I would go to doctor. You could talk to your doctor and tell him what's happening. You're also I could give you like, we could give you some names of some people who I specifically work with men around this.

But I think also 10 months isn't very long. Like a few, I mean how many women do this happen with? Um, uh, uh, makers doesn't. 13. Okay. 13 women in a row. You have a minute. Okay.

And are you still masturbating regularly? Yes. Okay. Here's another thing. What if you don't masturbate for like what if you just take masturbation off the table right now and you don't masturbate for your next date for like a week or something? Mm hmm. I think that would probably help. I think you should stop masturbating.

I think that take masturbation off the table and go out with someone that you actually like, make sure you like them before you get into the bedroom and then see what happens. Because it sounds like your masturbation routine is pretty healthy, healthy, it is healthy. So I would try that. If that doesn't work, I would go talk to someone because, hey, therapy helps everybody. Somebody who can specialize in this. But I also don't want to say you have a huge problem or anything. I don't think that there's anything majorly wrong.

It's a new experience for you. So, I don't want to like pathologize it or like diagnose you here. But I would try taking first. I think that's the best thing. Take masturbation off the table. So you'll be ready to go see what happens That doesn't work. I would try to talk to like a sex coach sex therapist. Go see your doctor and see what happens So now keep me posted Okay, okay, okay, good luck to you. Thank you so much. Yeah, you're welcome. Bye Kyle Bye

Okay That's interesting you guys there is something called like delayed ejaculation that some guys can have. I can't tell yet with Kyle. Some men have it. It's because they can have a lot of anxiety. There could be like, there could be a lot of causes for it if that's what it is. But again, I'm not a doctor. I haven't seen penis.

I'm not in a room with this penis. I can't diagnose them. But it can be like, you know, there could be some health conditions. That's why I think you should see this doctor. But also, we get into our mind. You guys can see this. we, we, oh, block ourselves. We block ourselves, we have orgasms and having pleasure during sex because we're thinking it's going to happen. It happened last time. And so, you know, just

learning to get out of your head and focus on your body and all that stuff is some other advice I could give them. But I think, um, I think not masturbating is the first way to go. So we'll see how that goes. And we have another call. Awesome. Okay, our next call is Amon. She's 36 from Los Angeles, and she feels like she's at her sexual peak. She's lucky, but wants a solid playmate to enjoy it with,

looking for advice and how to find them. Hi, Amon. Hi. Hi, tell me what's going on here in Los Angeles with you. Hi, tell me what's going on here in Los Angeles with you. So, um, the short version is I, I'm on just got her group back. And I'm looking for partners to play with and experiment with, but safe folks and I just don't know how to go about doing that.

Okay, so what have you tried so far? Um, I've been on a couple of dating apps, so I've been on Bumble, and I've met a couple of folks off of there. And I'm now on set life, and I haven't met anybody off of set life yet. OK, so you're looking for more of a kinky-year lifestyle. Kink Fetslifes is kind of more of a kink thing, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK. And you haven't met, and you said you just got your groove back. Let's go back for a minute. Where was it? Something happened. Oh, my group.

OK. My group was not existent. I'm sorry. What was nonexistent? My group. Your group got it. You had no group. OK.

Yes. Non-existent. I had just been really dormant and really numb about living my life for a really long time and going through severe depression, being bullied at work, just a lot of stuff going on. And so I managed to get through that somehow. I've lost about 50 pounds and still going and just feel like I have more vigor and I actually want to live and enjoy life. Great. And so I'm ready to explore.

Okay, got it. Okay, so you haven't dated for so how long was your break from dating or from having sex? It was really wrong. So I just met someone and had sex with them. And before then, I hadn't had sex in 10 years. Okay, so you really get in your groove back. Don't be so hard on yourself now. I love that you got your groove back.

You lost weight, you're taking care of yourself, you're being healthy. And I would just first of all take the pressure off yourself. And just like, it's not supposed to be like amazing when you come out of the gate, first of all. Like you got it, you really get in the groove back, like you feel like it, but there be like amazing when you come out of the gate first of all like you got it really Get in the group back like you feel like it, but there's a process of getting you like you're in the grooving back part so

I would just be like you know be out meeting people too and like doing things that you love doing if the apps aren't necessarily working for you Are you out there like going to do things you like to do? So here's the thing I consider myself more of an introvert. So I am like the coffee shop bunny, if you will. I really enjoy that scene. I am a little apprehensive about going, you know, places alone. So I hear that that's the best way to meet someone.

That's not something I'm necessarily comfortable doing. Right. I know myself. I need to get out more. Yeah, and I know it can be like, I know what you're saying can be intimidating. I'm not even telling you to go to bars and stuff. But more like, you know, are there like classes you've been wanting to take or like with a friend even, you know? And there's lots of like, yeah, like, I know it sounds silly, but really like, I always

take classes. Like, it's fun to just just kind of there could be like a cooking class There could be like a sometimes these singles classes. I know there's lots of groups in LA that are like singles go, you know Cook are they scared there's wine tasting or they you know go hiking and That might seem like oh my god. I'm introvert, but if there's a bunch of singles there You might just make some new friends men and women. So it's like a group setter. And, yeah. Or if there's, you have a single girlfriend, like bring her with you or a single guy friend, like that might just make you feel safer.

But if it's something that you already like doing, then you'll already feel like you're in your element. Because I'm more like the real life thing too, telling you I'm on the app, so I just get exhausted. And like really did I swipe you, you swipe me, and then you go way on Bumble, and like, they go, you know, they evaporate in an hour, like a 24 hour, it's like annoying, I think it's like a full time job. So I know that you're in a room, but to me, like you sound like you've got a great personality

and that actually maybe you're not as introverted as you might have once been. I'm going to challenge you on that. And I'm going to say that you probably make friends easily and people really like meeting you. And I know I have days where I'm like, I have not done nothing, but drive work, drive to work and drive home. So why would I meet anybody? You know, and then I go out with a friend, even if it's a girlfriend for dinner, we go somewhere and you look around, you're like, there's a lot of people out, and you just start talking, you know, it feels okay. I think that that's just if

you could say once a week, I'm just gonna do this. So I'm gonna go to a different coffee shop and hang out and I don't know what kind of work you do, but do you like work in the coffee shop a lot? No, not usually. What I tend to do is just go in the morning before work and read or a journal and have my coffee. It's how I kick off my day. Right.

Maybe go to a different coffee shop. I used to meet guys in the coffee shop all the time. I had one of my neighborhoods, I had to go and I swear to God, I met like three boyfriends in a row. Like I get it. The morning, you see the same people, but maybe like, if you know you love that morning routine, like try a different one, like a whole new set of faces.

And like look up on your book. I've met the coffee shop before though. But they ghosted me and I hate ghosting. I hate ghosting too, but we can't do anything about it. You never know who's gonna go. So it doesn't, like, it doesn't mean it's just stop you from trying. So with the app,

sorry, I'm working out would say try like, you know, I'm sure you friend, like say, like, what can we try? Like, look up like the single groups in LA. I can't remember what it is now. A lot of these apps have them too. Like, Bumble has one or maybe Tinder, like Tinder groups or Tinder player, Bumble play.

And like, even if it sounds like cheesy or not your jam, like just, just freaking do it once and see how it goes. Try to do things that you love and then you feel good at. Yeah, and you'll meet that person. But, but again, this is new to you. It's been 10 years, so don't be hard on yourself. You're starting this again. And I love that you're feeling good.

So I want you to continue to feel good. And this will feed it by being places that you're confident and feeling good. You'll also track those people that will be attracted to you because you're in your zone. Yeah. Okay, try that. Keep me posted. I will give it a shot. Okay, good

one. Thank you so much for calling. I think you got this. You sound great. You say, thank you. Okay, you're welcome. Thank you. Thanks for calling. Bye. Bye. I totally got this. I think sometimes we just get into our like, why aren't I meeting one? Why aren't I meeting one? And I always say to you, well, like, what have you done differently? Like, if you are taking the same route home from work every day, going to the gym, doing And I always say to you, well, what if you don't differently? Like, if you are taking the same root home from work every day, going to the gym, doing the same exact thing, do you probably not gonna meet someone, right? You're not gonna meet a new person.

So try to make it up. I should have mentioned also, there is this app, Happen, HAPP, and I think where it kind of geotags you if you are cross someone's path a few times. So if you are in that path, you're like, I'm not changing my root. You might find someone who's also on the app and they say, you guys were at Starbucks three days in a row and I'll match you. But yeah, you guys get out of that zone, get out of the routine and also I should have mentioned to

our another great thing. Tell everyone you know that you're single. Say, how are you? I'm great. I'm single. I'm looking to be fixed up right now. You know anyone? Nothing wrong with that. It's like when you're looking for a job. Let's go wait a minute, people. Okay. we have got Rachel. She's 24 from Michigan, my home state, and she's ready to go solo. She's finally ready to try her hand at masturbation. Get it?

And she's looking for guidance and how to get started. Hi, Rachel. Hi. Hi. How's Michigan? Are you freezing your ass off right now? Yes, I am. I'm bunzybull-leaf and blanket right now.

Oh my god, I totally got it. I know exactly where you are. Um, okay, so thanks for calling in. So, um, tell me about this. So you have not masturbated before? No, well, you know, I have a little bit of an update, but originally I had never masturbated before. I was really nervous to start. Okay. Yeah, I always knew awareness like that is quite normal to masturbate, like people do it

all the time, but I was almost too nervous. Like, that was just a whole different area I had never explored before. I'm pretty sex positive in my relationship. So I'm not afraid to try new things, but for some reason doing things so low. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I hear this from women a lot, but you said there's an update. So have you tried? Yeah, so there's an update. So, you know, I, I would honestly like sit there and like look at my hands and be like, okay, put your hand right there, you can do it, you know, and I could never do it, but I chatted

with some of my girlfriends and they were like, you should really try a vibrator. So, you know, and my boyfriend and I used sex toys all the time. So I thought, okay, fine. So I went and got a vibrator nice and I I honestly had to go in front of the heater because it's so cold Emission so I get it I would yeah, I laid in front of the heater and I tried it out and um Yeah, so I've done a twice-peed And it's awesome. Okay, good. So it worked out. Yeah, an orgasm?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Great. I love this. This is great. So use the vibrator. Do you have orgasms with your partner during sex during intercourse? Yeah, so you know I have multiple times, many times with my partner, but I had never orgasm

to buy myself. Oh, that's great, good for you. It was so new to feel my body react to it. Like I could actually feel the changes whereas usually with my partner there's other distractions going on whereas when I use the vibrator I could actually feel my body move and change.

Wow, that's amazing. No, that is really cool. See, that's what masturbation is about. Why I always say, it's so important. The most important work, especially women, we're just not as comfortable a lot of touching our bodies. Are we doing it the same way over and over again?

But the more that you learn your body, and it sounds like you're very embodied, like you actually noticed that. You were, it's like, I had no orgasm, what's for dinner, but you're like, wow, my body's shook in a different way. Or you know, you're really getting in touch, and that will also serve you well in your relationship. As you, you know, when you're like, wow, my body's shook in a different way. Or, you know, you're really getting in touch. And that will also serve you well in your relationship.

As you, you know, when you're having sex with your partner, you might learn different ways that you can orgasm. That's cool. So do you think you've gotten some of the nerves away from it now? You get it? Now you're looking forward to masturbation. Yeah. Now I'm not so nervous to try, but I'm definitely, I feel like I'm just starting to have sex.

I don't really know what I'm doing to tell you the truth. I have this vibrator, but I'm like, well, I don't even know where to put it. I've been just trying to do different moves, but I'm realizing, okay, I actually harder things rather than just like, stop the thought. No, this is how you learn. This is good, okay?

Yeah, so this is all new to me. Okay, so what kind of vibrator did you get you said you want harder? This is too soft. Do you remember? Yeah, you know So I'm in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend bought this It's called the Kiro. I think it's a cute. Oh the cute. Yeah, awesome. Wow. That's intense I have the pearl of it. Yeah, you know I it was really intense because he really wanted to try this and I had to be honest with him. I was like, I actually have never masturbated before.

Right. That's a blow. That's like, that's advanced. So that's like tell it to Donnex. Like that's like he's using the flashlight and you're using the the thing and you can see it on him, right? Yeah. Okay. That's whole new level. So I took kind of by myself first to try it out, but that's going to hold. I gonna hold, I got updating you so quickly on this too. I asked you this question and then a couple weeks later, he's getting this toy. So, oh my gosh, I guess I'm right now.

So yeah, I have this by-reader called Pearl. Okay. Okay. So the Pearl is like an insertable, right? It looks like a penis. Is that it? It's like a... is that it's like a Honestly, yeah, maybe you have tips on how to use a vibrator. Yeah. Oh my god. Do I have tips? I absolutely do so I would say I would go I would try to find a vibrator maybe it's like a literal vibrator as well

Have you ever had like a little like a little bullet or a handheld vibe like a like the, the tango, the Wevibe tango, or the Wevibe touch, those are great toys. Because I think for like starting masturbation, first of all, atmosphere is everything, right? Like I think it sounds like you're in front of the heater. I get it, my mom always jokes. I spent my entire childhood in front of the space heater

like in Michigan. She think, yeah, I'm really cold. No, she's like, you were always potted up in the blanket. Inside your space heater. Yeah, that's like, you were always caught a lot in the blanket. Inside your space heater. Yeah, that's all I did. No, I did the same thing. I get it.

So would you have your own bedroom? Yes, I do. Okay, that's cool. So like, I think like turning off your phone, setting the atmosphere like lighting candles, like the sense, like you feel really good, your favorite music, thinking about like, you're locking your door, like do you feel safe in your home? Like? I don't know if you live with your parents still, you live alone or

yeah, so I just moved back in with my mom just for a few months, so you know, I had to do this one, choose that work. Okay, that's fine. That dude, as long as you know, she's gone, that's great. So I would say they get getting into the mood is a bit just like sex. It's like you almost need four play with yourself, right? Like you're not going to be ready to go like, okay, let's master bait, you know? So, do you ever watch porn? Well, this is also something that I'm also aware of and I'm intellectually want to get into,

but I'm so nervous, I don't even know where to start. I would like to do it with my boyfriend, but. Try to not be a big part of it. I'm intimidated by it. Okay, so you know what's a great way my friend is a site called Lady Cheeky and there's a lot of good Tumblr, it's Tumblr it. Okay, so you know what's a great way by friends is it's like called Lady Cheeky. And there's a lot of good Tumblr, it's Tumblr porn. So you go there and there's a lot of gifts

since it's more female friendly. It's called ladychaky.com and you'll see a lot of these, it's like really cool. Like she curates it around things that women find like kinda really hot and sexual kind of teasing and arousal of this women touching themselves. It's just really beautiful images and sexy hot images.

And then you click on them and then you could like lead you to other kinds of images and thing that you might find kind of like Amazon like you like this. You might also like this and it'll lead you down a road. But it's not like you're automatically watching a hardcore porn film, you know, that you might consider intimidating. So you're just kind of like scrolling through some like pictures that are hot and that might even get you going So I would are reading a rhodica if do you like to read? I Loved to read. Oh my god, so you should find some like Rachel Kramer bustle does something every year like best erotic

You know if you like a candle you could download it stuff like that and just like find some like if you like to read then like reading those Have you ever read a rhodica? No, I have it and I do love to read like I have a candle. Oh my God, dude, just buy some, like go to Amazon and buy like porn and see what interests you, like a radical, I mean, not porn. And I would like download a book and just start reading it and just like you read before you go to bed

and you might find your mind like, oh, now I'm interested. So it's really because when your brain gets on board with sex and your mind's on board, that's a big part of a razzle because if you're just staring their freezing cold in front of the heater with your hands, I wouldn't want to masturbate either because it's like you're like, no, masturbate. But the men, they just think of sexy thought, what's something happens or a woman walks by and they're hard, right?

Women don't, you're not wired that way. It's very different. So that's what I'm telling you to put these things in place that would get you in the mood for sex or get you in the mood to masturbate So don't be so hard on yourself that you just you're nervous or whatever It's like once you start thinking these thoughts or find what stimulates you and turn you on then you're just gonna naturally want to Start touching yourself. It's just gonna happen that way Especially because you want to but I would also go get a bivariate that's not like a

Pain like I've dilded it like that one's like a shape like a penis I would get just like a nice handheld one, like or even like a bullet that you could just put, like use in your nipples, like tease yourself. Use lube, lube is amazing. I cannot stress enough the importance of lube during masturbation because it'll help you get more turned on. Like you take a few drops, you rub it in your clitoris,

you like get some water-based lube, like Joe, I love system Joe lube. We sell it on our website. Have it sent to your house in a brown bag, no one know. And you just use a few drops, use the vibrator. I'm telling you, there's times I'm not in the mood, and I just can't master it without lube. Like, it doesn't even matter.

Like, it just gets you going. So there's some tips. I think that you just, you know, those will help you, for sure. Setting the atmosphere, using the lube. Yeah, thinking sexy thoughts, erotica, you got this. And you already know what we were guessing. Yeah, it's cool because I think I do it just need a little jumpstart to get in the mindset

because before I was like, I don't even know what's going to start. You think of a project? No, I get it. No, I get it. Maybe they can call us them. I get it. Small steps, baby steps.

I would go on Kindle right now to download a book that seems interesting to you. Maybe start reading tonight without the pressure of masturbation. Just see where it takes you. Yeah, okay. Cool. Thank you. You're so welcome Rachel. Stay warm and hot. Okay, thank you. Yeah, it's fine. Thanks. Oh my god, I was just taking back to like my childhood bedroom. Although I never even knew what masturbation was until I was 20, but I was just freaking cold in front of the space heater, and I get it, you just don't want to leave that room.

But I think it's interesting. Another thing I should mention is that we do have some great masturbation tips on our website, sexwithemily.com, like first time masturbation and little tips and tricks we talk about it a lot for women, it's interesting, because I think that we think we should just know how to do it, you know, and it's just be natural, but for a lot of women, including myself, it was not. And it is not. It's a great

question. Thanks Rachel. Our next call is Franco. He's 23 from Chicago, and he wants to have a more active sex life. He's having trouble balancing being a husband and father with being a spontaneous lover. And wants to know how to change things up high, Franco. I'm actually 31. Are you 31? Hello, I'm actually 31. Are you 31? Oh, okay Franco, 31 from New Jersey. Gotcha, okay, we have that all wrong.

Do we have the other part right? Hey Franco. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 31 to Jersey and you want to have a more active sex life. Yes. OK, cool. Hi. Tell me what's going on. So I mean, we have a wife who's busy working. She's a mission's rep. I'm a mechanic. I work two jobs.

So we're working like 12, 16 hour days, and we've got a kid. We just bought a house. So it's like kind of like passing each other. They kind of came to a loan. and I didn't know where to begin. I take a lot of your advice and be for sex, you know, text messages, emails, and this, that, and the other and just nothing. It's not working. I get it, man. Yeah. But she actually seemed that I emailed you. Things that actually seen that I emailed you.

Things that actually turned around for the better stuff. Oh really? See this is so good. So many couples actually listen to sex with Emily together and they feel like it changes their whole sex life because they're like Emily said it. Like you guys are doing it now to talk about it. So that's cool. So she liked that you were working on this.

I like that. Okay. So tell me, how old are your kids? Do you say you have kids? Yeah, your father. Yeah. Okay, so tell me how old are your kids? Do you say you have kids? Yeah, your father. Yeah, I have a four year old. Okay, a four year old one child. Okay, and your wife and she's working and you're both working. Yeah. Okay, and so yeah, that can be tough. And does she, is she saying that she, so what happens when you start to have sex is like, are you just not having sex? I mean, we were doing it once a week,

like on a Saturday, while my kid was taking a nap and they were waiting for the laundry to get done, it was the same type of sex that we would have every week. Yeah, to work. We were doing it for over five months. I was like, I'm bored, I get it, I get it.

Yeah, this would happen to couples. This is why it's so good. There's a perfect time to be calling in before you get way bored. So have you tried, like I always say, you know, it's great for couples to get like outside the house and outside the, you know, their normal routine. So have you guys had any talks about your sex life? Have you ever said like, what, what, like, do you know what she would find hot or what you'd like to do? That's different. You said you've tried some things. We talk about sex all the time and we're pretty open about things.

I mean, we've given each other all passes before and we've done things because of people in front of each other, but you know, with our schedules that that kind of lifestyle doesn't exist. So it's just us. Okay. Have you so walked? I'm wondering if I'm not, am I doing enough? The message is not talking about it with it. Okay, um, have you so I'm wondering if I'm not if am I doing enough Massage is not taught and talking about it with me. Maybe there's something else I could do Well, I think that like the fact that you're talking about is great. Does she tell it? What what kind of information are you getting back from her?

What does she want? Well, she wants me to make love to her. I feel like I do that, but Right, she says no, I'm not that. She says you're not really present. Really, I mean, I don't know. OK. I don't know. No, I'm not listening.

Well, maybe you're not listening. I don't know. It's hard sometimes. But here's the thing. She's saying, I want you to make love to me. You're like, dude, I'm here. I'm making love to you. Like, what do you mean?

But maybe she means that she needs more intimacy from you or she needs to feel loved by you in a way that she can't even explain. Like, is she let you know, for example, she wants to feel sexy or she wants to know that you think she's beautiful? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get that. And have you told her that? Yeah.

I mean, I tell her every day she's beautiful and I always complimenting her body and we're full of weekend so there's always growth and touching. Okay. Is there other things? What about like helping around the house and stuff? Is she ever like, God, I wish you help more. I, I wish I could, but I worked too many hours. Right.

Right. I don't get home until 10 o'clock. Does she feel burdened, do you think? Yeah, I feel like it's kind of like the love language. Do you ever, do you know about the love languages? There's no, I don't. Okay, it's really interesting. There's a book by Chapman, what's his name? Gary Chapman, he wrote a book. It's called the Five Love Languages, right? And there's a lot that we all experience love in different ways, right? So a lot of us like, I saw I asked if she wants to feel sexy and beautiful.

So sometimes it's words of affirmation and typically there's one or two that resonate, okay? So hear me out. Words of affirmation. She might need like, there's words of affirmation, there's physical touch. She might want to be touched all the time, maybe you're not touch her enough, but it sounds like you are. For some people, it's quality time.

So she wants like Saturday night to be date night with no phones, no Netflix, no distractions, just the two of you. She might want acts of service. She might want you to be emptying the dishwasher, filling up her car with gas. And then there's also gifts. Okay, I took them a gift. She might want to be surprised with flowers or you know jewelry or you were just thinking about her, a bar and a favorite cookie. So it all like typically those are five ways that we all experience love. So for you, did any of those resonate with you, like, God, I really feel loved when she blank any of those like speak to you. I know we

might need them all, but is there one that spoke about how you want love and then one for her, how she might want love? Yeah, that definitely does everything in quality like just helping you're out with more things, especially with my kid and Just the quality time. Yeah, so you think that's what she that's what she wants Yeah, and you're you're not able to give that right now Yeah, like I said, I'm you're super busy Totally get it. So no matter what you do right now, she's not feeling connected because she's pissed that you're not able to help with giving her time

and helping her on the house. So this is where the compromising comes in. So is there a way that you could maybe, I'm not sure what's keeping you from the quality time part, but could you have a date night, could you have a friend come and watch, you know, how much time do you guys spend away from your kid? Well, I've worked it out with my mother, like, we try to get Saturdays in, like a Saturday

night, just go out for a couple hours, or go out for a night, or go out to the next morning. Yeah, that's amazing. Do you do that every week, date night, like every Saturday? Well, we just started last weekend. That's amazing. You do, uh, like, you know, we went to a Atlantic city. Okay, that's great. So how was that?

Did you guys have good sex when you were in Atlantic city? Yeah, yeah, when I got back home, I had a little mom out the house and everything at there. That's great. Okay, so it was awesome. Great, so that sounds like that really works. And then the service evening, if you can't do it, could you get some help maybe? Is there anyone you could come over or hire help to sometimes to do some things around

the house? I know money is a thing, but could there be ways that you could get some other good? Well, when I'm home on Saturdays, I do as much as I can. I do laundry, I do my, her laundry, my laundry, my kids laundry, I clean the kitchen because I'm crazy about kitchen bathrooms. I try to help as much as I can. Right, I'm just throwing this out there as a thing.

And do you know what, and you sound like you're pretty happy with her? When I talk to you about those love languages, what spoke to you? What do you feel like, how do you feel like you experience love? Gifts, do you want physical touch How do you feel like you experience love? Gives? Do you want physical touch? Do you want like words of affirmation? Yeah, more physical touch. And if she gives me

enough affirmation, it's okay. So you might just want to come up and start like kissing you when you go from work or like hugging you or cartel out of couch. And do you feel like you get that? Maybe you could let her know. I think you guys should listen this together. It feel like you get that? Yeah, maybe you could do more. Hey, maybe you could let her know. I think you guys should listen this together. It sounds like you guys have a lot of chemistry and you're really connected. I mean, you've been listening to the show. You know that I'm going to tell you, like, try toys,

dress up, exchange bucket lists about your fantasies. And there's all these things that actually do really work for couples, but maybe these are some things and you have a kid and you're both working and you said she's working as well. So maybe these are little things you guys could do throughout the day, like she could give you more physical attention and you could make sure that Saturday night, date night happens

and see where that takes you. All right, yeah, that's how perfect. Thank you so much, Emily. You're so welcome. Good luck with this. You got this. Bye, Franco. Thank you so much.

Bye. I'm obsessed with the level I used. I don't think I talk about them enough on the show. I think we got to put this on our website. I think we should just work in progress, but leave it when we just do a link to it. Because the love languages to me, I mean, I've read so many sex relationship books, it's so really cool.

And I'm not saying it's going to solve every relationship in the world. But it is true that we all experience love in very specific ways. And we tend to give love in the ways we want to receive it and It doesn't always work like I've said this you know, I like I know for me. It's words of affirmation and physical touch But if I'm constantly like telling some guy like oh my god, you look great, babe. You're so hot He's not gonna think that that's that's love and I'm thinking why don't you tell me I'm hard and how great I am

You know, so I'm just saying you can me a disconnect and typically your partner doesn't necessarily share your love language, which is cool, but if you learn it, it's just all about compromising. So I like that call of Franco. They seem like they've got lots of love going on. They just need some space to experience love. Our next call we have Sean. He's 29 from Toledo and he's looking for more than casual sex. Sean's been actively dating,

but can't find a girl who wants to settle down with him and is wondering what he's doing wrong. Hey, Sean. Hi, Emily. Hi. I'm so good. I wanna help you here, man. Tell me what's going on.

First, I wanna say thank you for answering my anal English question on Friday. You are so welcome. It is the year of anal, I swear to God. I'm so happy to answer. Yeah. Yeah. That's my big thing.

Your big thing, anal English, when we go, okay, check, check. Anal English, now let's help you figure out the casual sex thing. So tell me what's going on. You're looking for girls in Toledo. Yes. OK. And I've asked quite a few girls out.

I would say it just seems like the girls I attract either want something other than a relationship, whether it's money or materialistic things from me or are not monogamous. And I'm having trouble finding a woman who actually, once we go out on a date, just enjoys my company and not having ulterior motives. Ha, that's interesting.

OK, so I'm wondering, how are you meeting these women? Some of them I've met online, and some I've met that I knew in person already. And the ones I knew in person I was comfortable and gave it a shot, and then it just, you know, was one of those two problems, and that's what I keep coming across. Okay, are you like throwing money at them

kind of a to start off with? No. Okay, so I'm just curious, because a lot of times it's funny that you see, now it's interesting to me that that's how you see it, because everyone's got their thing with women, they're like some women, you know, don't want things that you're some women,

some women will call me, for example, to say, every guy just wants sex, or every, you know what I'm saying, or some, to say, every guy just wants sex or every, you know what I'm saying or some women say like, every guy just wants to settle down. I don't. So I'm just wondering what you're going into the relationships, you're going into the dates, if there's anything that you're doing or that you're bringing to the table that might, you know, be bringing this out in them or also, if that's how you think about women already and you're looking for that and maybe you're interpreting things that they do as thinking, oh, she's just out for money and maybe that's actually not true.

Not at all. I mean, I take when I go out on a date, I always pay and that's not an issue that's, you know, the gentleman nature, I guess, you would say, the old-fashionedness. But at the same time, then at some point, I'll get questions like, hey, can you help me out with some money? Or then, you know, when we're seeing each other for a little while, I'll find out, yeah, you know, I slept with somebody else and you know, I was just I Can't find somebody who's really the paying for things like you know buying them flowers or buying them dinner or going out That's not an issue for me. It's just

Expecting that they can asking from rent or something like that and to me I don't think that that's about the relationship, you know? No, absolutely. So I think it might be about the women that you're finding yourself attracted to, perhaps, is there something about you wanting to save women? Being attracted to a woman that looks like she might kind of need that kind of help. You know, there are certain types of, I've never asked a guy for money in my life, and I've needed money really bad.

And I've never done that. And some women, there's the women I think you do and some women who don't. You know what I'm saying? And so I'm just, and I'm not, again, I'm not stereotyping women or on the world, like everyone who's this way is gonna want money, but I'm wondering if these are the kind of women

they are attracted to, and maybe there's a different type that you've been saying, oh, that's not my type, and you could look at and say, you know what? Maybe I should try that type of woman. I want a woman who's, you know, has a job and she's got stuff, she's got her stuff together, you know, 29 years old. Like I don't think it should be hard to find a woman who have like careers going that are in a healthy place. Oh, absolutely. I definitely like somebody who has something going for themselves. Maybe he's been to college, has a degree.

You know, sometimes I'm attracted to a little bit more of a wild personality. Well, that's, yeah. That attracts me sometimes. I mean, that's sometimes something that I can't kick, but at the same time, I do like, you know, a girl who shares my common interest to the sense humor, like, you know, girl who shares my common interests or the sense humor, funny, you know, things like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I get it though.

The wild chicks might be like, oh, she's so crazy. She's so whatever. And, you know, she, you know, wants me to pay for her, her college education. So, I feel like this might be a good time for like duty dating. Do you know what that is? That's when you kind of go out with the woman, with the woman that you're like, God, I don't really know, like, I'm not really attracted to her in that way,

but maybe I should just try going out with her like once and seeing how it goes. Like seeing if I might like her, even though she's not this wild girl, but I'm attracted to her, there might be something else that I find and you just kind of like go out with someone that you think you might not be into

and you might be surprised. And then you go out with her a second time, even if you're not so sure. And you give it like two tries. And you're like, I'm going to try something different because if you keep dating the same kind of women and this is the result you're getting, there's a lot of women in Toledo, you know, there's a lot out there. And you're having these same exact situations happening. So I'm just thinking it's like your picker is broken, like the women you're picking.

And this might be a way to shift it. I think it could be. I mean, I know sometimes I have a hard time breaking the cycle or changing things I do. I mean, I try to change it up, but sometimes, you know, I see that. I'm just like, wow, this girl seems like she's a lot of fun. You know, right, you're chasing the fun girls who are like kind of crazy. You're not there. Maybe they're parting a lot and they're great bad and they're into your anal English and all that subnum.

But you're like, but then you know, my while it's gone in the morning. So I think that it just might be, you know, you sound like a really smart guy and you really want to find someone to settle down. So like, you know, the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again, you know, you're not, it's not working for you. So I would say like just kind of go out with the woman that you like, and I'm not saying like forever, but just try it. Like you need to go out there 10 times, but just see how that works for you. Might be surprised because you're in this groove. And it takes a while. I'm not so great at changing behaviors either. None of us are. So when you say

it's hard to change, it's hard for all of us to change. So just know that. You can soak out the crazy chicks and not saying you gotta give them up, but maybe you want to pepper in some chicks that just seem kind of more stable and interesting and smart and see where that goes. Just kind of like as a kind of just effort.

Yeah, see if they surprise you and someone might have that crazy side, but they don't lead with it. Whatever you deem crazy. You know what I'm saying? They're not showing that, but believe me, it's in there. So if you gave them a chance, you went out, you went out to dinner, had some drinks,

said you went like, oh wow, she's into this, you know, it's cool, I wouldn't have thought that. I'm surprised by her. And that's my gift. The difference I think with me, with the dating and the hookups is, hookups, you know, you go right to sex but dating I don't. I don't rush it. So, I mean, there's a difference. I mean, there's

just, I don't know how to explain sometimes the wildness of the personality because I don't drink anymore. I could drink and party and stuff. But, you know, sometimes about their personality, you can just see something about that. Right. No, I I totally get it And that's what's attractive to so that's why maybe going get something that's a little less, you know And maybe trying not to brush sex right away like waiting till you know someone and like waiting like going out a few dates And like just seeing like you know getting to know her and finding out more and feeling like because for a lot of women They're not going to want to sexually right're not gonna want to have sex the right way because they want to feel safe

and they want to feel like they can trust you. And then they're gonna let their free flood fire. Then they're gonna show you there. So you might be thinking, oh, she was a little tight on the first day, but sometimes it takes us a while to open up. So I would just say, kind of like when you're online, you're swiping,

maybe like swipe a different way for someone that you normally would just ignore and try going out with them. Because you speak of like when you're online, you're swiping, maybe like swipe a different way for someone that you normally would just ignore and try going out with them. Because you're like, I said with the dating, I don't want to sleep with somebody on the first date. Okay, good. But the rule I have, I usually try and wait sometimes more than multiple dates. Okay, so that's working for you, but the people that you're dating, you're have coming up with these two things, like Naminagam you, but the people that you're dating, you have coming up with these two things, like non monogamous, they want you for your money.

And I think that could kind of be one in the same kind of person. You could find a woman who's looking for the same thing. And are you saying that you're dating profile that you're looking for a woman who wants to have something serious? Are you leading with a couple of, you are, you do say that. I mean, not in the first date necessarily but I you know get to know them on the first date and then that conversation will come up and I'll obviously speak the truth on how I feel and what I want. Right but what about in

your app? Are you finding most women through the apps? I found some on the apps and I mean this may not be the greatest place to say I found them I found some on the apps and I mean this may not be the greatest place to say I found them. I found some people on like Craigslist. Yeah, that's where you might find the people like looking for money. I don't know. I'm not saying all Craigslist likes is like that, but it sounds like your split. Part of you wants a crazy fun chick and then part of you like wants a serious relationship

and so I just think you got to take step towards that and if you're on the apps, I would say if you're on Tinder, Bumble, whatever you should say I'm looking for relationship I'm looking to settle down like I look I read the guys things if they're I'd be looking for the guys who want And I see the guys who are like I'm just looking for hookup. I don't swipe on those guys All right swipe what is it? I swipe left? But if I see guys like looking for a relationship You know I'll swipe right like I think that I that is it doesn't make you sound weak It doesn't make you sound like you're just like stating what you want. And then the girls who are looking for a good time, you wouldn't match with.

Right. Yeah. So I think it's just the process that has to change your dating, your selection, your picker process. Not your pecker. Yeah. I definitely agree with you on that. Okay. Yeah, I definitely agree with you on that. Okay, so try that and see how it goes. Just try it. I'm not going to do it, but I'm going to go out with her.

And you may be surprised. Okay. Because I don't think that I've been over with like that. One other question. Of course. Go right ahead. It's another sexual question, but it's a medication question. Sure.

So, I'm on multiple medications and I do take any depressants and I believe they make it for me unable to climax sexually. I've actually never climaxed from sex or oral sex from and I know it's Medication I'm on and I've been sexually active for a long time Okay, and it's never happened and I don't know if it's a bad thing to say but I say to women when they you know I tell them I had a time. I say, don't worry about it. It doesn't happen if it does great, but and I've gotten to that point and I don't know if

that's a bad mindset to have about it, but I just never happened. Yeah, it never has happened. So you're on any depressant and you said, other, I mean, yes, SSRIs, I'm sure you're like on an SSRI. I think by polar, SSRIs, I'm sure you're like on an SSRI. I think bipolar, got it. Bipolar, got it. And anti-anxiety, all those things. Leaping medications, and I take like eight different medications.

Okay, that is going to do it. That is going to kill, do you still have a sex drive though? You still get turn on, you get erection. Yeah, but the only way I can, I can, um, climax is for masturbation. Okay. Um, have you talked to, have you been on the same meds for a while? Um, they've, they change me here and there, but for the most part, yes. I've been on medication since I was four years old.

Okay. Have you talked to your doctor lately, your psychiatrist, and tell him that this is going on? Yeah, and though some of times they'll say, don't take this before you have sex or it shouldn't kill your sex drive and at the same time I'll tell another, my primary, and he'll say, oh, yeah, this is your problem.

Right, well, they're right. It is your problem. Right, well they're right. It is, you're probably, I mean that's a lot of medications and a lot of times they can tinker with it. So you've got to find a psychiatrist and maybe he isn't the right one anymore. Like I'm telling you, they all, you're going to get a lot of different opinions. But this is, you know, I think that they can kind of, you can go down on some medications sometimes. Like things change over time.

If you haven't updated or met with your psychiatrist lately, they could kind of give you something that can kind of counter some of the symptoms, some of the side effects that you're having from the medications. Because it would make sense that you could only do it during masturbation and maybe if a lot, part of it could be psychological because it hasn't happened in for you ever.

So you're like, it will never happen. But I think a combination of talking to your psychiatrist or your primary, it sounds like he's more on your side with this or you need a new psychiatrist because any psychiatrist is gonna be like, yeah, that's how it is by I'm not I don't love that because there's a lot of different kinds of medications again that you can take that can counteract those side effects. Um, or he's usually the kind of psychiatrist will say, well, you need more medicine and I'll be like, I don't know. It'll give me something if I need it for some depression or tilt his first answers to up my drop. Yeah, I don't know if I like it.

That's a God. You know what? Unfortunately, that's how a lot of psychiatrists are to up the meds, up the meds, and that's not always the answer. And so I don't know if you've boomed the same guy for a while, but it's great to get another opinion. I'm telling you, you could get a lot of different opinions out there. And there's maybe one who's like specialty is like, yeah, I know that it kind of sucks

a lot of these medications are going to kill your sex drive. You won't be able to ejaculate and hear something we can try. And like, I know that's hard saying don't take this before you're going to have sex. Because then as you don't know when you're having sex, you're like, God damn it, I took it to dinner. I took it this morning and I woke up. How do I know is going to get laid tonight? So to me, that's not a solution. So I know this psychiatrist has all your records and maybe you feel safe with him, but Eight meds is a lot and a lot of times it's a cocktail. You got to figure out what works and it doesn't work and it sounds like it's just really not working for you. So I'm in agreement with you on there and this guy I'm not particularly fond of me neither to be honest Don't thank you. I'm glad you're with me

Yeah, I don't like these like up your meds or don't take it in the morning Like maybe for some people that with their in a relationship They know like oh, we're having sex tonight, but you don't know so that actually is not a good solution So I would talk to your doctor if you guys I would try to get a second opinion go see psychiatrist tell what you're on Because the last psychiatrist do advanced training. they're always learning, reading about new meds, like there's new stuff coming on the market, and they'll be willing, they'll want to work with you on this problem. And some are like, let me just write you a prescription and get out, and that'll be $350, you know what I'm saying? So I would shop around.

And in my primary, he wants to put me on dialis, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm 29. No. You don't need another med. You don't need another medication right now. You don't need to He wants to put me on dials, but at the same time I'm like I'm 29 You don't need another bed. You don't need another medication right now. You don't need to have an erection Actually, you're getting erections your problem is with ejaculation. So yeah, yeah, so he's wrong too You need a better psychiatrist and you know what? Here's the other thing you can also have a phone consultation with them I would talk to two other ones because you go to another one doesn't mean it's gonna be right But you got to shop around Talk to him on the phone. I would talk to two other ones, just because you go to another one, doesn't mean it's gonna be right. But you gotta shop around. Talk to them on the phone. I will.

Okay, good luck to you, Sean. We got this. You got this. Thank you very much. I'm gonna let you hear awesome. Thank you. Have a great night. Thank you so much for calling.

Talk to you soon. Bye. Wow, there's a lot there. Okay, yeah, meds, you guys, I'm telling you. So, unless you don't even realize, like these pills were on, I think a lot of us take a lot of medications, and that's

because we don't need them, but we have to monitor them. Sometimes we have side effects, they go away, sometimes they come on later, and we don't know what it is for women, we're not often worn to birth control and kill our sex drive. I get it, like, but just like you just get informed about what you're taking. A lot of times there's an alternative

that you could take that that could you have the same results but not at the same side effects. So don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about what you're on and making changes because none of us want to suffer with bad sex. And unfortunately all these medications are like, guess what? You won't be depressed. You can be super happy now about your liver or oven orgasm. That's just depressing to me anyway. And yeah, sometimes you got your pickers broken,

we have patterns, you always hear about women dating the bad guys and why does it happen? It's because you got to change your outlook and got to change what you're attracted to. Like, you often said, like, you've often said like that guy that you think is hot across the bar, you lack eyes with him and you want, you want to walk towards him, turn around the other way, and go towards someone else So I'm just gonna mix up our patterns. These were great calls. Thank you everybody for For emailing us and letting us give you a call. I love this show. This is really fun and thanks everyone for following us on social media and all that Fun stuff and thank you to

Just everybody all of you here my amazing team at sex with Emily Madison and Jamie and Eddie and Ken and Mike Cleaver doing the sound. I love you all and thanks again to all my amazing listeners. This is a blast. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at Sex with Emily.

you