Sex With Emily - Outside The Sexual Box with Dr. Hernando Chaves

Episode Date: February 9, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex & relationship therapist Dr. Hernando Chaves to talk about why it’s important to think about sex differently – because it’s more than the old in and out. They discuss better ways to dive into backdoor play, why Valentine’s Day is the best time to jumpstart your bedroom resolutions and how to get over your sexual anxieties – because hey, we all have them. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: PlusOne, Just Fab, Good Vibrations, Fleshlight, SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more on Dr. Chaves, visit: www.drhernandochaves.com For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by my friend and sex in relationship therapist Dr. Hernando Chavez, and we're talking about why we should think about sex differently. Topics include sex isn't just the old in and out, so let's think outside the sexual box. Backdoor play. Better ways to dive in between the cheeks. Why Valentine's Day is the best time to jumpstart your bedroom activities, and getting over sexual anxieties. It's a lot more common than you think.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Is that mock our sacred institutions? Betrubized, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common moment?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. Wow, wow, wow, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, Monday through Friday on stars 109 for even more great sex talk. It's from 5 to 7 Pacific 8 to 10 East If you don't have serious XM you can get a free 30-day subscription at sexwithemily.com slash

SXM as always Thanks everyone for following us on social media. It's at sex with Emily across the board But also another reason to follow besides the fact that you love our pages, is that we're doing giveaways, check this out. Foria Awaken, we're giving away four bottles of Foria, which is the CBD pre-loom that relaxes your vulva, essentially, and makes sex better. From now until Valentine's Day, email feedback at sexwithemily.com with the subject, for ya giveaway,

F-O-R-I-A. And tell us why for ya will help jumpstart your sex life. Please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Also, woo more play. We're given some away, and if you don't know about one more play, it is awesome. Woo more plays a coconut love oil. So it's an organic personal lubricant. And it is so delicious.

It's coconut oil vanilla essence, beeswax, stevia, it tastes good, it feels good, you can also use it for a massage. All we need is for you to follow us at Sex with Emily. Take a screenshot of you listening to the show, wherever you listen, upload it to your story, tag Sex With Emily, take a screenshot of you listening to the show, wherever you listen, upload it to your story, tag Sex With Emily and write one sentence on why you love the podcast. We'll be putting it in our story and then choosing a couple people to win will more play. One of my latest leeward sessions. Hope you guys enjoy this interview with Dr.

Hernando Chavez. Hello, thank you for having me on. I'm so glad if you'd be here, Hernando. You've been down in a while. I mean, you've been on the podcast several times. Last time, I believe I shot some a loop in your face using a loop shooter. It's not the first time, probably, it won't be the last time, but that's gonna be a baby. What if I happen to a loop shooter?

Oh, I love loop shooters. I know, really. So that happened. And Hernando is a marriage and family therapist. He's a doctor of human sexuality and He's in the Los Angeles area sexwithemily.com. Oh, and on Instagram, he's at Hernando, underscore chavez.

If you go to my Instagram, sex, Emily, which is the little story. The story, you can check it out. Good to see you, Hernando. You too, as well, and I wanna start off by saying congratulations, you won an incredible award last night. The Exbiz Sexpert of the Year award for 2019. Congratulations, I'm gonna do a little applause.

Thank you. Thank you. He brought us some champagne here to celebrate. I appreciate it. It was a big night. Our industry man, that party, it's funny because it's how long have you been in this industry? You know I've been floating around

for about 10, 12 years. Right, okay, yeah, I've been floating around for about 10, 12 years. Right, okay, yeah, I've been floating around for 10, 12 years. Okay, yeah, I've been floating around for 10, 12 years. I mean, it really is, it's not a huge industry. Like I feel like last night, we're the people in the industry, right? People in the pleasure business. Yeah, I find that, you know, in January,

especially, is when we sort of group all these different communities together, it's the adult industry, the sex toy novelty industry, the sex educator industry, and there's this sort of morphing of sexuality professionals and people who are, you know, really open-minded and trying to put forth pleasure and advocacy for sexuality. So it's a good time.

It is really the one place that you go and then there's actually, they honor us the experts. So that felt great to be surrounded by so many people that we've worked for in the industry that are just cool and making cool products. And there's some kick-ass people that you're in that small group of sex part of the year award winners. There's Jessica Drake. There's Dr. Ava Cadel, there's Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, there's now Dr. Emily Morris. I mean, this is the

crem-delecrem of sex ed. And I feel like we need more of us too. You know, that's the other thing. I feel like we all are really very supportive of each other in the sense of like I'm glad that we're all doing it and we need more people talking about sex. So did you have any highlights last night? Always seeing old friends and just rekindling new relationships. I mean, there's nothing better than seeing a friendly face, grabbing them, going to the bar, having a drink,

shooting the shit, catching up. I think that's just, to me, relationships make the world go round. So I just love my friends, my family. Good family. Yeah, my family. How about some of the words besides my word? Sex toy of the year, non-powered.

We're very proud of our friend forest from a narrows for the Trident series. Have you tried it? Excellent. A narrows product has always been wonderful. Actually, when I talk about delayed ejaculation and erectile concerns with students and also with clients, we always bring in some narrows products

about how that could be a wonderful product for you to help with either that, getting over the orgasmic hump or just about increasing your pleasure. Let's talk about that for a minute. Okay, you guys, because I think you're going to open up a whole thing here is that we get a lot of calls from men who are concerned about their ejaculatory control, whether it's too fast or delayed ejaculation. And I think there's a lot of,

that delayed ejaculation is not as well-known and that I always feel like it's, I don't have the perfect solution for it because, or even premature, it's like you gotta work at it. There's things you can do, but talk to me more about prostate play and delayed ejaculation. Yeah, you do me more about prostate play and delayed ejaculation. Which means that's defined delayed ejaculation.

You define it. I define it all the time. Sure. It's essentially what I love having another sex doctor here. I'm just going to hang out. Yeah, have some champagne. Delayed ejaculation can be defined as not being able to experience orgasm in a timely manner when you're involved in a sexual sort of situation and scenario. And for many people, it becomes a stressor and anxiety, and it becomes a very fixated problem that they start to sort of magnify because sometimes we do put the microscope under the

areas that we're struggling with. And for a lot of people, especially with, let's say, heterosexual relationships, to have long intercourse sessions can begin to produce pain, or maybe sometimes people lose a little bit of that zest and desire. And so it can be a concern if people are making orgasm the ultimate goal, if they're in a very orgasmic centric perspective with sex. So we shouldn't be as orgasmic perspective. I mean, orgasmic focused.

Yeah, I think we should stop when we stop. We should have fun when we want to have fun. And I think we should, you know, not every sexual experience has to end in orgasm. I mean, when I do sex histories with clients, sometimes they'll tell me like, what is one of your greatest sexual experiences or some of the most arousing fantasies you've had? And sometimes people will say, well, it had sex once outdoors

or in an elevator at a hotel in Vegas and there wasn't an orgasm involved, but there was a huge rush and an excitement. And I really hold on to that because there's an example of you can have fun and not have to put pressure on yourself, although that's a little tricky with the public sex stuff. Right, with public sex harder to have an orgasm.

Yeah, yeah, a lot. Yeah, and hard pleasure, but you're right. We did that show, Jay, member with all the guys. It was the male's talk sex show, we did. Three guys talk sex. Three guys talk sex, it's podcast, you guys. If you're for your weekend listening, we've got hundreds of podcasts you can check out.

But, and the males, it was interesting because I went around the room, and I asked them off for their most memorable sexual experience. And for all the guys, it was something sudden. It was the random woman that they met at the hotel bar, and they had sex, or it was sex outdoors. And it wasn't about the fact that they climaxed together, or she gave them the best blowjob.

It was sort of the spontaneity. It was something that was unexpected. It was that element of surprise and unknown and not planned. And that's what we define. So I think that's such a great loop back. And how do we continue to keep knowing that, like, sometimes there's challenges around sex and not to make it all about that?

I mean, like what you're saying, it's just like I guess it's just hearing us say that. One way that we could do that is start shifting our goals and expectations. You know, for many people, it is about coming or it is about certain milestones that they're hitting with their sex. And I encourage you to bring it back

into something more realistic. Like maybe my goals and expectations should be around pleasure and connection. And what a wonderful, I mean, you can always reach those goals if that's what you're realistically expecting. You can always connect and be into the partner. You can always experience pleasure and enjoyment and enhancement.

And I think that can alleviate some of that anxiety and pressure, which leads to things like premature ejaculation, and erection to concerns, and female sexual pain and delayed ejaculation, which are oftentimes very anxiety-based if there's no... Delayed ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, you were saying, I want to talk about that, because that's usually typically if it takes you 30 minutes or more to orgasm during a sexual act. So my question is, is about, when you're talking about the tritons or the in-narrals or prostate toys, how does that help? So the prostate is inside, it's actually 30% of, I'm sorry, 70% of our ejacletory sort

of emission and the prostate when pleasure or pressured or stimulated can actually facilitate more pleasure and it can increase sort of our erectile capacity and also sort of facilitate faster the ejacutory response. So basically if you stick something inside of your butt and if you're pleasuring that area, it can actually make you come quicker and it can keep you harder. And for a lot of people, it feels really, really good. But then they have to work through some of their own sort of hangups, which is the miss that they have about,

is this make me gay or is this something that's unhygienic and I have to get over my fear of poop. And there's so many things that people have to sort of work through. But when you finally work through it, it's like, when you're having sex with, let's say it's a male and a female, it doesn't matter what, I mean, it's a heterosexual experience, no matter what's happening,

whether there's something in your butt or not. Right. So you've got to get over this idea that there's anything that's compromising or challenging of your orientation, because sometimes it's about discovering the origin of zones in your body and sometimes they're not where you expected them to be. Exactly. And then for a lot of men, too, you're right. That is a thing that like it's for exiting or it's going to make me gable or saying

as a sexual act does not determine your sexual orientation. So I feel like, yeah, it's important to talk about that and also just to like guys know that it's cool. Explore maybe start with a butt plug or like a cool prostate toy. You know, I met this girl on Tinder a couple of weeks ago and she actually offered. She said, oh, do you want me to put something

inside your butt, look at my finger? When I thought, Wait, when you guys were having sex? Yeah, and I thought, wow, times are changing. Now they're offering. Really, you weren't even promote, you weren't even saying like, I mean, wait, when you guys were having sex? Yeah, and I thought, wow, times are changing. Now they're offering. Wow, really? You weren't even promoting, you weren't even saying like, I mean, I'd even ask. And she asked you though, can I do it?

And did you say yes? You know, I told her that it sometimes takes me a long time to come with a blowjob and then she just offered. So I'm assuming that she's had a lot more experience and it's been something that's come up and, you know. But she did ask, like, should I put my finger in there? I was it before, okay. Did she have Loub on her finger? Like, how can you put ask, like, I put my finger in there. I was it before, okay.

Did she have Loub on her finger? Like, how can you put if you've never put a finger in a butt? What would you say, hands are clean. Nails are trimmed. Does she put it in there? You know, sometimes when you see women with really long fingernails, you're like, okay, those claws, maybe need to stay away from my penis.

That's what I'm gonna like, those are concerned. You don't know how that's gonna turn out. But at the same time, I think there's some basics like having trim manicured nails. So for some people, the hygienic piece is also important. So no matter who's sticking who into what person's ass, you can always put a condom on your finger too as well.

I mean, not all of us have finger cuts. I think that sometimes isn't really accessible or are handy, but put a condom over your finger too as well. I mean, not all of us have finger cuts. I think that sometimes isn't really accessible or handy, but put a condom over your finger. And that's at least going to protect you from having to do the whole hand cleaning and washing and sometimes within your fingernails and such. Yeah, that's really, that's really good advice that Hernando.

Wow. What is the, Jamie has a question for you. She's been dying to ask you about anal. So I'm just going to go down the anal route. I do. Well, here's the thing. She wanted to dying to ask you about anal. So I'm just going to go down the anal route. I do. Yeah, well here's the thing. She wanted to know about prepping for anal. So we get a lot of questions about people.

We talked about this. A lot of the fear around anal, okay, let's check what the fears that women have. If they're having a, they're fear about preparation. What do I, do I need an enema? Is it going to hurt? How do you make it not messy? A lot of women have really bad first time experiences. Like oops, wrong a hole and there was no loop. And Jamie's specific question was around

like how to prepare for it. Animals. Yes, animals, that's, I was just curious because I've never seen one in action. So I was just like, how does that process go? Is it better to use one? Like how, yeah. So a few years back, I was asked to be a consultant

on a sex ed video where we got to write a script on anal and that was something I was really passionate about. We have to include the anal bulb, the anima sort of scene and we have to include the loop shooter scene because these are really important to me. It's not just about jumping into an anal. I was so happy that they accepted that in the script and we actually recorded that in the video. For the bulb, you know, some couples and people

like to do it with partners, that can be a neurotic experience, but I think most people wanna do it solo and take care of that on their own. Generally, you wanna do that a few hours before you're gonna be sexual because there is gonna be some leftover sort of water inside of you and sometimes it can sort of ooze out

during the sexual experience. So give your body a few hours to let it to pre-absorb whatever's leftover, but to take that in on the bulb bulb to not use any type of saline solution or salt solution. Just use regular water that's in a lukewarm. And then it's to fill up that bulb to loop up the tip as well with lubrication because to insert it inside of you and just squeeze that water allowed to fill up inside of your rectum. Go to the toilet, push it out and do that about three or

four times. And you'll notice that the end of the third or fourth time will be a lot clearer water coming out. And that's when you know that, okay, it's there, there's nothing left over, it's a lot more sort of clean in there. One thing to note is that the rectum doesn't hold our feces. It's actually within the colon,

that the rectum is more of like a transport system. It's sort of like a tunnel. And as long as we clean out that rectum, it should be okay. Okay, interesting, because I've literally never, I was fascinated. I was like, I've never actually seen an enema in action and I didn't want to look at videos. So.

Well, here's the thing, well, here's a walking video. So any sex questions at all, I'll triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. But the other thing I want to emphasize too is that not everybody needs an enema. Like at all, like in fact, you we know our natural bowel movements if we're clean. Like I understand it might bait people for extra safe, but I also think it's not necessary.

If you've had a healthy bowel movement. Yeah, if you've just had a bowel movement, you know, depending on your diet as well too, if you're like living at the Taco Bell drive-through, you may want to reconsider on naturally letting things happen. But you know, for people, it's also about peace of mind. It's sometimes not much even in there.

It's just about reducing anxiety. Isn't that what we're trying to do with sex? It's just let's take the anxiety out of the equation. It's just so much fun. So much anxiety around sex, huh? What are people most common come to see you? What are the most common things that clients, patients come to you about?

Usually it's about desire or erection difficulties or low intimacy in relationships. Maybe they've had a long-term relationship and the spark is diminished. But what I find is that performance anxiety is one of the most common experiences that people are really inside of their heads. There's so many distracting thoughts and worries and concerns. They're just like, there's this statement, this term called spectatoring, where you're kind of observing and witnessing the sexual experience, there's just this statement, this term called spectatoring, where you're kind of observing and witnessing the sexual experience,

but not you really immersed into it because you're so concerned about, are they orgasming? Am I gonna stay hard? Are we having fun? You're just sort of out of, it's sort of not an embodied experience, but it's more of like a mental distracting,

sort of a concerned experience. Yeah, I feel like that is the big challenge. We were talking about that earlier, like, so what do you tell? And and it's probably different from any women or what's your practice around it? What do you tell I know it depends but give me an example? Okay, so I'm a one let's say if it's a woman coming in and I'm I'm just thinking like I Hope that I'm doing this. I hope he thinks my body is attractive. I hope I'm moving right I hope I have an orgasm. I'm just distracted and I never really get pleasure or I'm quite, I feel like I have to perform. And then I never orgasm, sex is over like I just find myself in my head.

For example. You know for that example right there, I want to understand more what is inside of her mind. What are some of those distracting thoughts? What are some of those self-defeating thoughts? And one of the first initial quote unquote homework assignments I'll give in therapy is, I want you to write down all the distracting thoughts, all the thoughts that come up before being sexual, during being sexual, and also just some general ones that you have throughout

life. And it's very interesting to find out what people sort of share. They all have different fears and concerns. It could be around body image, it could be around. It doesn't line up with my faith. It could be around pleasing a partner and them not orgasming. So then it takes me out of the situation. There's just so many worries that people have.

And part of my job is to help sort of challenge each of those worries that we go through them and we start trying to process where these worries came from, maybe their origins, maybe we're going to process sort of reasons why we can challenge sort of the exception to those myths or those rules that they've created. And for a lot of people, it's really about trying to challenge and shift the way that they're thinking so that they can go into these experiences with more confidence, more empowerment, and less sort of doubt. So it's kind of breaking down what they, so then you challenge, they put all their

beliefs down and then you're like, okay, I probably see a theme here of what you're worried about. And then in the moment though, when you get into the, the into the, you're having sex, what do you tell them? Like, I have a lot of different ways, but I'm just curious, well then what? I figured out, I talked to you in my therapist, I loved Dr. Shavez, oh my God, I feel better, I let it go, I realize it like my body's beautiful

and then but it happened again. Like, what's the tool for in the moment? I think it's important for us to not only come to those realizations in our work individually, but also to bring them into our relationships. Communication is an important part of that. If you have body image concerns, for example, and you bring that into those questions and those doubts within your relationship, you'll get that reaffirming response, that acknowledgement

or support or validation. Let them know I'm worried about it. So it's important, I think, for people to get that sort of external validation, to support the internal validation that you're creating. And you'll find also, too, that a lot of times the worries that we have are different than what the partners even thinking about. But oftentimes, they make me concerned about their breasts sagging or their stretch marks or their body image.

And then also, the partner is like, no no actually, I think that's really beautiful. Like, I love seeing you nude, and I just wish it would happen more. And if anything, like, you know, they're like, part of your imperfections are beautiful because I also amaging and have my imperfections. So together we can just sort of enjoy our lives together.

And it's interesting how we oftentimes really are self-critical. Yeah, dude, that's my biggest thing. I mean, I feel like, I have all my insecurities. My overall thing is that it's not even, I can't even pick apart one body thing, but it's more like doubting what Jamie told me what was really what was my issue.

You're just really hard on yourself. I'm hard on myself. So not even like critical about one thing. It's like, I'm just always think I should be doing something more. I should do it better. I should do it faster. Something I've noticed with people is, you know, there's that, that age old question,

what do women want? And what I've been finding is that it's really about feeling wanted, desired, appreciated and adored. Like, if we can create like, yeah, like a cherishing of our partners where they're valuable and, um, and we do want to touch them and be sexual with them and we want to communicate with them. And I think that people really respond and feel supported and validated and valuable.

Yeah, it's crazy when you say that term, like what was it, spectator? Spectator. Yeah, I was like, Julie, I saw Julie's face. She's like, what's that? I was like, okay, hello, breakthrough. I was literally like, when I feel like some, like there'll be times I feel like when I'm like on top

and like a guy will be like, oh, like he looks so great like that. And then suddenly I'm like, oh, I have to keep looking good because this is like what's turning him on. And now I'm just watching myself be on top and be like, all right, you're still, I'm like, my son like gotta still be attractive and I'm just not enjoying myself at all. And I'm like, oh, he thinks it's cool to be on top.

I should like look as good as possible while I'm in this. And then it's, yeah, totally pleasing other people kind of problem. And you know, I wonder what that person's experience is. They're probably just excited to be there. They're so happy that they laid that time. That's the thing. Literally, he's like, oh, she just,

her stomach just came out. Or she arched back and ugly. Oh, she's not hot anymore. I know. It doesn't happen intellectually. You know that. Right. And so my thing is always in that moment is to just recognize the thoughts. And I'll bet even if you're having sex tonight, who knows what could happen? That now when it happens, you're like, Oh, yeah, back to the back.

How does this feel that I'm grinding on them? And then just get out of your head. And I believe for me, the more times I've learned that like my thought bringing back to the moment, back to the moment They don't, they're not as frequent. The negative thoughts, strengths, or the worries that I'm not doing something Something I've encouraged clients and I do it myself and I encourage friends as well is that If you're able to relax yourself, whether it's like meditation beforehand or breathing work beforehand or massage before you're getting Sexual and then even when we're in the moment, when we start getting into our heads or getting distracted to just close your eyes

to take a few deep breaths and just tell yourself, get back into the moment, get back into the body, get back into the sensation. And you just sort of like get back into that rhythm and that groove and even if you're closing your eyes for a few seconds, which I think allows us to focus on that sensation or focus on that breathing, you start realizing

that this feels a little bit better, that to calm the mind and to feel the body and the feel the intimate sort of sensations, that that's actually nice. Yeah, and that immediately drops you into the present moment with the breath. We talk a lot about that, but I can't emphasize it enough that not only is breath

like important for life, we're not breathing, we're dead. During sex, when you breathe, literally, like, since I breathe so loud, even now, let's go, like, three times, even if it's during sex, I don't care, but it literally just shakes everything out of my head and then I'm back in the moment. And I don't care if it was weird or anything, but I'm not worried about because I know that that's a better alternative than to me tripping on whatever it was in my mind. And then you realize that when you breathe, it also really, really helps with pleasure, with circulating that energy, that blood flow through your body and also can help enhance

orgasm. I found when I think that's not going to happen. And instead of thinking, is it, am I almost there? I just stop and I breathe deep. So it's almost like I've set up like a Pavlovian response to my, is it gonna orgasm, or whatever's annoying me? Like, someone gonna walk in, is there a derba, I'm hot, I'm cold, I breathe into the moment,

loudly, wherever to stop everything, and then I'm like back to the present moment, enjoying sex. I love it. Look at you, turn me everybody on the room. It's a pretty, pretty deep deep. Well, like I love to meditate, but I've truly never even thought about connecting meditation with sex.

Which makes so much sense. Yes, we talk a lot about mindfulness sex, being sex and being mindful, I think, is we should do a show on that. I think we have done podcasts on that. But yeah, it really is a huge practice of meditation apps, but no, like meditating all sex apps. You know what? I actually, I was on my friend Tiles podcast, it's called the Den Talks Podcast at Meditation Center and I talked to, I did a little, I'm flying a mindful meditation practice

because I like like Dr. Shava says is that it really is probably one of the biggest issues. I feel like people have been more able to articulate that in the last few years I found for whatever reason. I maybe just seems what prevalent to people are so much more distracted that it just seems like we got to incorporate that. And it really is, if you want to practice a mindful practice, I talk about starting with mindful masturbation.

So when you're masturbating to also just be like, do that deep breath, focus on all the senses in your body What's happening in the moment and then I'm practicing so when you're in the actual moment of sex You're not tripping on your thoughts and there's a biological reason why that's so important and valuable You know in our brains if our brains are stressed and dysregulated It's gonna impair the functionality of us being sexual or experiencing pleasure, orgasm, sensation, circulation for erection or for lubrication. And if we can relax the brain, we're actually opening the doors for us to experience more

possibilities with our sexual cells, with our sensory experience. So there's the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous system. And the sympathetic is what creates anxiety, stress, fight or flight or fear. And then the parasympathetic, which is what we're talking about, relaxes the brain. The more we can create that relaxation, the more we're opening the door for us to have circulation, to have erection, to have potential like engorgement of around the pelvic region, to open the door and facilitate orgasm. Like there's a reason this is actually effective. Yeah, good. Wait a minute to back it up with science here. Dr. Shavez.

I like bringing science and sex together. Yeah, I just love it. I really love it. This is all connected, you know? It really is true. So. I do that in the bedroom. All the scientists like, tell me more.

Is that what you're doing? Do you? Tell me more research. Keep going. More research. So hot, Dr. Shavez, the way you talk about sex. Do you feel like a bit people, women, do want to date you because of what you do for a living?

I'll bet the same thing happens with you though, that like they love it, and then they're like a little intimidated by it, and then there's some insecurities that come up, and there's just always like this. It can be a little challenging for people, for lay people, that think that they think that they're inferior, or they think that you, every time you're hanging out with a sexologist you're having sex with all your friends and like you know, big kids or geez. Not every time with our big kinky or jabies, sometimes I'm just exhausted and like out with you.

I mean just one. Sometimes we all just get to that. Just one tonight. Exactly. Just three summons of relief. I mean sometimes we just get together and put on a porn or watch it together and he popcorn. Yes, that's a porn. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls and even more sex talk.

I'm here with my my good friend and colleague, Dr. Hernando Chavez. He's a sex therapist, sex educator. He teaches the kids and the university's about sex. And you can hear our answer questions, you know, tag team. And we were together last night and he was with me when we had won my sex part of the year award. So thank you to X-Biz. I haven't taken, yeah, thank you.

It was a big thing. Oh, it's a huge thing. I know. It's amazing. I love it. you. Thank you. It was a big thing. It's a huge thing. I know. It's amazing. I love it. So, there's that. And so, Hernandez, we had some more questions for you.

Did we want to take a call, Jamie, producer? Let's take a call because I just want to talk to this guy a little bit. His name is Ray in 44 in California. And he wants to know if it's normal for a guy's age to have sex 27 times in six days. Hey, Ray. Hey Ray. Hey, how you doing? Are you just calling us in between sessions right now? Um, I'm just getting flustered.

He's going to have to cut out right now. Ray, is it normal? We hate to throw that word around in our industry, right? That word always gets broken down here. Yeah, so tell me more, what do you think about it, right? You have a good sex? Been busy. It is always for play.

It's always, I like for play. I like the whole body. My party is always make a conference or two times and then and then it's over for me. I'm I'm the dude that's gonna that's gonna curl up. Okay, okay. I'm sitting down and then five minutes later I'm gonna go back in five to ten minutes. Wow. Okay. So here's my question, Ray. So is this a problem for 27 times with the same person or like 27 different women? I'm trying to get to the heart of what the oh no, I'm not that kind of same person. Oh You're in love. Okay, so what so six my math is best. So that's like five times a day

Three four times a day five times a day She had a stomachache one night, so we all hate that when she gets stomach aches. Well, wait, wait, wait, how, and you guys been together a while or it's a new relationship? This sounds like a new relationship kind of thing, but. It's not really quite new.

It's just that, you know, it's a different, different, different different separation. It hasn't been really, first, until we've been able to be together, but now they're gonna be that wouldn't be a better for. Okay. So the question is 27 times. Is it and you're she's not always penetration or it is? Is it what now? Are you having pen, you said there's a lot of foreplay. Are you saying a lot

of foreplay leading into intercourse or penetration? Yeah, exactly, exactly. I mean, I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot.

I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. I don't really get to shoot. Okay, well here's, when there's a problem during sex, like when we would say, yeah, there's a problem. It's when there's consequences or it's getting in the way of, you can't show up for work,

because you're always having sex or you're masturbating and, you know, if there's a problem. So, as long as everyone's having a good time, it just sounds really biz-biz and sort of exhausted. But what do you think Dr. Shavez? I mean, you know, to me it's not as important to focus on frequency for people. I think that sometimes we put so much emphasis on how many times. I think it's about how our relationships can manage and how you imagine Emily, our life can manage it so that if some people prefer and desire in their relationships one at once or twice a week or a month And some people want it for five times you know per day

As long as you can you're both on the same page about it And it's something that's enhancing your world and it's not coming at a cost with other sort of consequences or responsibilities being you know Challenge, I think that's wonderful and what's challenging is that sometimes we find partners that have different libidos and sort of differing sort of amounts of desire that they want to express and being sexual. And that's where it can be challenging. So in relationships where there's high frequency sex,

sometimes people might go through a stressful period. They may go through like a, their own sort of challenges of like a health issue with a family member and all of a sudden their libido takes a dip. And so then partnerships has to find a way to incorporate masturbation or just find a way to support each other's sort of sexual needs when they start changing. Right, so right now I think you're in a sweet spot, right?

If she's happy, you're happy. We're happy. We both have about the same libido. All right. You found the perfect person. Yeah, We both have the same with each other. All right. You found the perfect person. Yeah, this is a great person for you now. So if it changes, you know where to find us.

Thanks, right? Thanks for calling, sex and family. That's right, have fun. You can all cause heavy goods seriously. We don't need to tell them that. I mean, really, AAA 9478277, you've not won, but two sex doctors, sex therapists, sex experts here in the room.

And we love taking your calls and talking to you about sex. Kuneha, it was an old friend too. Could you keep up four times a day? If I was on vacation. Every day, four days, I mean, I, it's been, I mean, no. I could do a couple of those days, maybe a vacation, no. If I'm on vacation.

But I think for like consistency in life, I think I'd... No, and how do you know? How do you count? I don't know. I mean, I think when I was like traveling the song for two weeks, we were having sex all the time, but no, I don't think I could keep it up. I'd be like texting you in between. I'd be like, I need the title for the show. Yeah, I need your help.

Like, I'm having sex. The good news is like, if I'm having sex, I could never have guilt around it, because it's research. You know, it's something that I talk a lot with my guy friends about is like, the physical exertion of being sexual that's sometimes like masturbating, even if you wanna have, let's say, three or four orgasms

per day that having sex three or four times a day can be really exhausting. But squeezing in a couple of masturbations with like that sex sometimes like bounces out that the need for the release, but also the physical exertion. Yeah, it's true. You're right. There is a certain thing like where it can be, it is exot, and for men, there were a factory

period. I mean, I'm impressed by Ray 44, four, five times a day, because as you get older, it can be harder for, it just takes a little bit longer. There were a factory period for men to get going again, get an erection to ejaculate. Oh, I remember one time I was in college and I had, I just bought my girlfriend a like diamond rings for earrings. I'm sorry for Valentine's Day. She was so thrilled her first pair. So like the next day she like fucked me for like nine hours straight. And like I came more than ever. I have my life with one person like it was, it was, and then my

dick didn't work for like four days after that. It's like it took a break. All right. You're like, to please out. That dick went on vacation for four days. Like running dick marathon. Yeah, I get it man. Take a song with that dick, do something for that. I sit, put it on ice. Yeah, like, oh, this is that refractory period now.

I get it. Yeah, like what do you do? Can you do anything but wait? Well, you just wait, you're just like crossing your fingers and then she's wanting more because I guess she's so excited about the diamond earrings and And I'm like, That works. It's not working.

I can't help it. Yeah, the diamond rings. I guess I'd be maybe the air girls best something. I don't know. I'd be jewelry. Yeah, that'd be maybe. Or vibrators. Here's my thing about Valentine's Day,

which not to worry, we've got your ass next week for Valentine's Day. The next second, well, we sell them up. But in our business, it's like, it's coming up fast. So my belief around Valentine's Day is, make it about your intimacy and your connection. You could go out to dinner and spend a ton of money, which is probably jacked up three times the price, or you could get your partner something super sexy,

pleasurable, a sex toy, an experience, like a really great evening, we're giving each other massages by some candles. I just think like why not, there's so many other nights of the year where we don't focus on it, that I don't know how that Valentine's Day got hijacked by flowers and candy and food.

Why not, why didn't you get hijacked by sex? Like why can't we? So I just, And it got hijacked by capitalism too. Like, you go to dinner that night and it's like, oh, it's a $200 you know for two people you know 100 dollar per plate You know sort of experience and all you're thinking is everyone's gonna say I should eat too much I want to go to sex right and then you gotta you gotta use that old Dan Savage line

Where like you should have sex before you go out to eat and before you go out because you get too tired after you eat and after you That's my thing too. I can we say winner winner, sexy, for dinner. Do it. I like that. Because then you're not stressing and then you can eat whatever you want. Get dessert, have another cocktail. Work up a nap a tie. Not work up a nap a tie. Maybe you'll do it again. Maybe, but there's no pressure.

Because sometimes you go on the date and you've all the build up and you drink too much, you eat too much taco bell, then you get home and you're like, I don't want to upset. Well, hopefully you're not going to talk about for Valentine's Day. Well, not for Valentine's. I wonder if Amanda was talking about, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm you're not going to talk about for Valentine's Day, but. Oh, not for Valentine's Day. Well, her Nando was talking about, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna call back to anal sex and talk about. Which two things that should not go together. No.

Tacos and an anal. Don't want to do that. I'm gonna circle back to the butt. What we've seen here, Hernando, on serious ex-M, is that, or, you know, I gotta say, we've been hearing a lot more about it, I would say, in the last year and a half, the whole sex with Emily empire here, no, but that men used to be like, don't worry, anal like, doesn't make a gay, but now there's a lot more straight men I've found who are dabbling and they're interested in prostate

play and even pegging. And Jamie had some specific questions from well no see because I've always I'd spend a fan of the rise to to peg someone but I don't want to I want to peg a very specific kind like a manly or a man. And first we did to find pegging because I know for my friend Vicki and San Francisco who listened to the show a month ago text me and said what is pegging? Hernando you define it. Pagging it's a term that was popularized by Carol Queen a couple

decades ago. And basically, it's a female dominant strap-on play with a male submissive. Thank you. She's wearing a strap-on that has a deal, though, on it. And she carols a bend over boyfriend. Is that still the leading, I don't know, that's on a DVD video? It back in the day because there wasn't downloads

and probably ain't like it really. We're talking in the 90s or 80s. 70s that came out. It was a long time. I want to say like early 80s, maybe. Yeah, early 80s, yeah. Good vibrations. I think he'd sublime it back.

So anyway, pegging back to you. Yeah, so do you see the questions about pegging? Well, it's like saying like, so do you see that like with like do people come into you and talk about that as a fantasy and like do you think is it normally like, is it just about the power player? What is the? Do you see that with, do people come into you and talk about that as a fantasy and do you think, is it normally just about the power play or what is the... It's a little bit about both.

I think that depending on people's desire for submission and domination within their sexual play, I think that in part is part of it. That's the psychological piece, but then there's also this pleasure piece where when people experience something within their rectum or within a body area that they just newly discovered we get really excited about playing with it and you know sometimes I'll tell guy or I'll challenge guys to to answer this question. Does it feel good when you have a really like pleasurable bowel movement like does it feel good when you sort of expel that and a lot of guys will say yeah it feels great. I'm like well that's kind of the experience with pegging for some people because That bowel movement is sort of going through the rectum But it is sort of rubbing up and sort of going past that prostate

So there is some pleasure associated with that release now Imagine if that's happening over and over again with the in-app penetration of of pegging You know, but there is a psychological arousal there is like the dominant sort of submissive piece that you're bringing up What I find is that when you discover a new pleasure zone that people just get really excited about it, but then there is that internal conflict between the fear of people judging us and the anxiety about is this something that's compromising my orientation. And we've got to work through that, but if you can, you can really sort of add another nugget to your sexual repertoire.

Yeah, there you go, James. That's the pagan questions, because we do get more of those. I wanna switch gears here for a minute. You said we talked earlier about people, a lot of the challenges that people have during set, or things that prevent us from having sexually healthy lives. And we talked about faith.

You said people could be their faith that tripping them up, or religion, how they were raised. That's a tough one. You're not even aware of it, maybe. Like maybe it's not as conscious that it's still ruling you. You could be out of the home, you could be married, but you're still thinking like sex is wrong, sex, I shouldn't be doing certain acts.

And I know that you see patients who come to see you, what process do you work with people on that? If it's something that they feel no longer serves them, but it still has a hold on them. For a lot of people, our upbringing is gonna have a strong foundation in who become a sexual being as a adult. And so if the faith or the spirituality that you grow up in

has messages that are sex negative or messages that are sort of compartmentalizing sex that can only occur in certain constructs like within marriage or with a certain sort of a gender orientation. That can be really hard for people and it is a challenge to work with people to try to balance both your faith and your spirituality with your sexual authenticity. For a lot of people it's about finding sort of a fusion between those two because you don't have to be one or the other. You don't have to be authentic sexual being in an atheist. You don't have to be a sexually repressed religious individual. You can find a union between the two, but you have to have an open heart to having compromised

and being able to make your belief systems less rigid and a little bit more in that gray area, that flexibility. For a lot of people, there are faiths. to sort of make your belief systems less rigid and a little bit more sort of in that great area of that flexibility. For a lot of people, there are faiths, like, for example, if we talk about Christianity or Catholicism, some people will go towards, let's say, a faith-like universal talarians, which are, that's a Christian faith that is supportive of the LGBTQ community. They also do weddings that are supportive for people the same of genders, there are ways that we can sort of unify faith and sexuality. And I think that's where, I mean,

for some people, it really alleviates that guilt. Right. And I guess the first step is just coming in and saying it might be a problem. Hearing them talk through it, if they give you their sexual history or whatever's stopping them. Because I know a lot of our listeners have those challenges. Oh, I want to talk about this. So people see you mostly patients,

just like us people calling, they're seeing you for like, mismatch libidos and stuff. What about, let's go back to the awards last night. I just wanted to give a shout out to some people besides myself who won, if I told you I won, it's expert of the year. But we had some pleasure products.

Sex lubricant of the year was pure. We tried a pure loop, pure loop. I have. They're soft, it's good. Great brand, yeah. Yeah, it isant of the year was pure. He tried a pure-loop, pure-loop. I have. They're soft-glide, it's good. Great brand, yeah. Yeah, it is good. It is good brand. Good things for you.

What do you think about cannabis and sex? Interestingly enough, I'm doing at the AVN show next week at the convention. I'm on a panel with discussing CBD and sexuality. I'm a big proponent of, you know, whatever we could do to help reduce sexual anxiety and help sort of create more pleasure, I'm all for it. And so for a lot of people, whether it's reduction of anxiety, reduced inhibitions, whether it's about managing pain, go for it, if CBD works for you.

Yeah, when there have been some good studies, so I want to say, because I was my next thing was the sexual enhancement product of the year, last year, for you, along with their pleasure thing. And for you has been a friend for a long time. And for you, it's just a really cool CBD part that you can apply, it's like a pre-loop we call it, and you apply it to the vulva before, you know,

sexual activity for about 30 minutes before. And for a lot of women, it can help just relax them. All that anxiety that you're having about sex, relaxes the vulva, they can have more orgasms, and then we have another one, Kareza, which is really cool because Kareza, they have an in-the-moment spray and then in the moment you spray it in your mouth, it's K-A-R-E-Z-E-A, we just, we, well I've tried it, you guys, I got a pre, they sent me out two months ago and I freaking love it and it relaxes the mind, elevates your body, there's different ways now to ingest it. So I just, I found it to be very, very useful for me,

even with all my deep breathing and mindfulness, sometimes you just need to spray a CBD, put it on your vulva. And I think for people with the trial and error, just to like try it out and see what happens, and you can experience something incredible, and might as well go for it. There's so many great innovations right now. I actually do something that's a little bit off label.

With some of the CBD products, I'll take the lube and I'll put it on my knee or my back or my neck and it actually reduces the pain. If I'm, you know, I've got all my old sports football injuries and stuff that it actually helps a lot. Yeah, it really, oh yeah, I help with my back. I've lower back pain. I just stopped doing other things I was doing mostly

and I put that on and it's amazing. That's my mom's sleep my mom sleep actually yeah, see you through the night like actually sleep through the night Yeah, I feel like it's true because we're I mean we're in California as we can go out It's everywhere, so I just think but people can get it wherever they're living right now if you go to sex only calm We kept more information about that our store that could totally be another like such a sex educator party We can have we could just like a Louie each other up with like the different like problem areas of our pain We could do that. I love all of a sex educator party we can have. We could just like Louie each other up with like the different like problem areas of our pain. We could do that. I love all of our sex educator. We could Louie each other up. Do you remember the um, were you at the uh, the Loube Wrestling match we had at in Vegas at Taminar Dones? I mean which one? I only went to one.

There used to be this amazing show. So what I love about it is we have two trade Joseers, the one we talked about earlier this week and me, there's also the ILS in Vegas and time our don't who's a friend of ours and he He friggin had a he bought these plastic pools and filled it up with vats of Loub and we all were Blue wrestling. He's such a fun guy. He's just so Exact going and like innovative and creative. Yeah, we need to do more of that. We need to leave each other up more You want to just cause? We should Lou be ch other up anyways. Okay, to take the calls, J.M.? We should lose each other up. Anyways, OK, so let's talk to Michael from New Mexico

who's 55. And he said, his girlfriend cried during sex. And he thinks that she's lying about the reason. Oh, OK, hey, Michael. Hi, how you doing, Emily? Great. Thanks for calling. Tell me what you want.

Love you, show. Thank you, Michael. Let me tell you what happened. I was with my girlfriend and we're at her house. Okay, she's recently divorced. We both are recently divorced. We've known each other practically all our lives, but we both went our separate ways and kind of reconnected. And so we're at her house and it was just me and her and we started getting intimate frisky and we took it from the living room to the bedroom and then we started having sex and then about halfway in it she just said get off me just stop get off me and start

it crying just like you know like I was doing something to hurt or something like that. Okay. And then when I asked her why why why what's wrong with her mom she didn't say anything and then about a day later okay she said well it's because you know when your face was on me reminded me of a salt that happened to me. Mm hmm. And then I said, okay, well, that's the last thing. I wanna be thought of as somebody assaulting you. And then she gave me two other reasons. Then she says, no, no, because I thought my son was gonna come home.

And then we, plus we had to go get my daughter from the movies. And I don't believe any of them, okay? Because she's giving me three different reasons, okay? And what I thought was, okay, well, maybe because we're at her house in the bedroom that her and her husband shared that maybe she just freaked out, panicked, you know, I could believe that more than the other three scenarios she gave me. So I just want to get your viewpoint, what you think it could be or...

Well, you know, when you first started talking, I have to say, well, first when I just, when Jamie just read what you were going to say, I thought, some women do cry after orgasms, completely natural, you know, pleasure, and it's so interrelated, like, you could cry, you could have an orgasm, like that happens, but we're not talking about that. So let's go to what you're saying here. I mean, to me, they all sound like they could be valid reasons. I sometimes women do quite, it could be what we call a trauma response. I would not discount that maybe she's been sexually assaulted. And for a lot of, it's actually abuse. And for a lot of women, there can be triggers. But it depends on the different ways that women, usually you can tell a trauma response.

There's a lot of heavy breathing. It sort of sounds like they could be having like a panic attack maybe with the tears uh... if it was that kind of a after which she came back she came back and said no it wasn't that she didn't know why she said that and she said the real reason was that she was she just didn't want to have sex in but i'm like thinking well

why would you cry if you don't have such a just a hey let's just stop we need to go you know you don't have sex? You just say, hey, let's just stop. We need to go. You know, you don't cry. Me, you just don't cry. Well, here's the thing, Michael, women cry. We cry for all different reasons. But also, she might have put, I'm telling you, we cried all the freaking time.

Did I go, I was cried today. She might have felt weird telling you about that assault. Like, she might have felt not felt comfortable because she may never have told anybody if that was real, Let's just say. And and here's a thing when we when we when we when we open up and we get vulnerable. Maybe she wanted you to go babe. I'm so sorry. But if you were you know what I mean?

Like who knows how you responded? Or maybe she wasn't even ready and she felt embarrassed or shame for telling you. So I actually can't discount any of them. I could sit here and analyze it all day long, but I wasn't there, Michael. So if you still need to- Well, I know. And you know, and I asked her if she's ever been like that or freaked out like that with any of our other partners

and she said, no. And so that's where the confusion came in. And then she says, well, it wasn't about my assault. It was just really the fact that I just wanted to stop. All right. Fernando, Dr. Chavez. As you were describing it, I was on the same boat as Emily of thinking, okay, this could be just an orgasmic response

that people sometimes laugh, they cry, they have this sort of tension release with orgasm during sex, but it sounds to me more like what Emily was mentioning, that sort of a trauma response associated with maybe a previous history of assault coercion or abuse and there is a triggering that happened that is I don't want it's not your fault it's something that comes up in the moment and something that we have to either embrace and support and I'm proud

of you for stopping and supporting her in that moment. I want you to try to not personalize this because it's not about you it's about her her experience, and you can be a supportive person in her life to help her Through this because with a lot of people who've experienced abuse or trauma or assault It's about creating a safety within relationships and you being supportive and also trusting and believing her is one of the ways You can create some of that safety and security and it may possibly be that all of these reasons might be relevant for her. And it also may be that she had initially told you about that assault and then felt maybe her own shame or guilt about disclosing that and then backtracked just maybe to use another excuse.

We don't know because it's going to be up to the two of you to have a relationship that promotes honesty and trust and transparency and to be really vocal about the realities of what you're experiencing. But I do want you to know that we sometimes personalize things. Yeah, I would say, Michael, if you really care about this one, it sounds like you do. Just say I've been really thinking about it and you can show any side you want to me, but I'm here for you and I support you and let's talk more about it. Don't feel shame and you know, it's okay to feel open and talk. It sounds like there's some more information. And when we start to feel safe women, we're gonna,

we're gonna tell you everything. So I think it's a few, some more questions and talking to about it. All right, guys, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed this show. Thanks to my incredible team, Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me.

Feedback at sexwithemily.com. So email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.