Sex With Emily - Penis Problem Solvers with Dr. Brandeis

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by board certified urologist, Dr. Judd Brandeis to talk about how science is making strides for your penis. They talk about getting rid of the blue pill thanks to innovative technology, the top two people you need to be talking to sex about, and whether VR porn is a red flag for cheating. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Apex, Just Fab, Promescent, Woo More Play, and SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily. For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by board-certified urologist Dr. Judd Brandeis to talk about how science is making strides for your penis, and I'm answering your emails. Topics include no more blue pills, innovative new tech that helps your member work harder, longer, and stronger. The two people you need to be talking to about sex, your partner, and your doctor, and how they can help you get your love life back on track. What to do if you're skeptical of your partner's fantasy, and whether or not Vera Porn is considered cheating? All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got to understand. It's a lie. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything you're between for more information. Check out sex-domy.com and all the great posts we have there at information to help you

have better sex. And you can also catch me Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 PM Pacific on Series XM Radio, stars channel 109 for even more sex talk. It's so fun you guys, check it out. You can get a free trial at sexathemlee.com slash SXM. As always, we're at sexathemlee on all social media. Okay guys, I've been pretty excited about this interview because as you know, and, I've been pretty excited about this interview

because as you know, and if you've been listening to the show, there are many, many opinions problem out there in the world. And I think that what's happening right now with technology to help men and women is revolutionary. And it's really gonna help people have the sex and relationships that you wanna have with a lot less hassle. So I'm really excited that I can bring you this interview today about what's going on.

And the interview was over Skype. So please bear with us. We try to give you the best quality audio you know. I've always been about audio. So enjoy the interview. I love you all and we'll have your emails after this. Dr. Brandeis is a board certified urologist. Has quite a rap sheet, chief of urology at John

Mirror Medical Center for the past eight years. And chief of urology at Hale Physicians for seven years voted top urologist in the Bay Area in San Francisco Magazine, the past four years, which by the way is a big deal because I was in the Bay Area for years and they don't just throw things around like that. They care a lot and they're judgy. So the fact that Dr. Brandeis, you were voted best best urologist there. I'm so excited to have you on the show today. You have been quite a leader in urology and quite so many accomplishments.

How did you get into this field? So I started doing general urology in 2001 and general urology is the prostate and kidney stones and the bladder. And I did that for about 17 years. And I was always I was like new technology. So I was one of the first in the country to use the Da Vinci surgical robot. I was one of the first to develop a kidney stone center, one of the first to use MRIs for diagnosed prostate cancer. And then in November of 2017, I read about Gaineswave. And Gaineswave said that if you used acoustic sound wave therapy, you could improve people's erections, and you could grow new blood vessels, and help men who were not able to achieve interaction,

help men get off Viagra, help men where Viagra wasn't working anymore to get to the point where they could be physically intimate. And I said, wow. If this works, this would be amazing. And I was skeptical, but I wasn't skeptical enough that I didn't go to Miami and take the training course. And I said, well, this could work. And so I went back to Walnut Creek. And I found my trusty patients. And I said, let's give this a try. And low and behold, it worked. And the try. And lo and behold it worked. And the litmus test was to do it on my attorney,

who's a really, really skeptical guy. He says, placebo's never work on me. And after four or five weeks, he looked at me, and said, you know, this thing actually works. So this is the most innovative technology that's come out around men and erectile dysfunction. Well, you know, as opposed to every other technology innovative technology that's come out around men and erectile dysfunction. Well, you know, as opposed to every other technology that's out there like pills or shots or the vacuum erection device,

Gaines wave is actually curative. For most men, most men have what's called vasculogenic erectile dysfunction, meaning that the blood vessels start to get thin as you get older and you're not able to push blood into the penis at such high blood pressure. So you go to the doctor, the doctor tells you that your blood pressure is 120 over 80, right? So what that means is that when your heart pushes that blood into the aorta, that pressure in the aorta is 120. Okay? So when you get an erection, not you, but I mean when men get erection, that blood pressure in the penis can get up to 300, three times as strong the pressure as in the order. And so you have to generate very high blood pressures.

And so as men get older and their blood vessels get thinner and they get a high blood pressure or diabetes, they're not able to push blood under pressure into the penis. And what Gaines' way of does is it stimulates the body to produce new blood vessels or to clear out old blood vessels so that blood can get pushed into the penis at higher pressures. Okay, so what we're talking about initially

that is just erectile dysfunction, like why it happens in men. And you're saying for the majority of men, as age 40s, 50s, 60s that when they start to see it more so, right? That up until his point, there's a pill, right? Everyone took a pill, which is just like a kind of a band-aid is what we're saying. Like it helped men, but it can't do what gains way, it can do what shock we treat we can do. So can you talk about the difference? Sure. So, you know, I like getting scientific because I respect people's intelligence. And so the way that the system works is that the nerves get stimulated. And in man, the nerves can get stimulated in two different ways.

One visually and the other is cognitively, right? Emotionally. So there's two different ways the nerves can get stimulated, but then when those nerves get stimulated, that stimulus goes down from the brain, down the spinal cord, into what we call the cavernous nerves. And what the cavernous nerves do is they release something called nitric oxide. So nitric oxide in the body is the neurotransmitter that works between nerves and arteries. So it's the chemical that works between nerves and arteries. And it's the critical chemical. And in 1998, a guy named Lou Ignato won the Nobel Prize for discovering this.

And so that neurotransmitter then stimulates the blood vessels to die late. When those blood vessels open up, they pump more blood into the penis. One thing you can do is to take a nitric oxide booster to increase the amount of nitric oxide. That's not what biagridates. What biagridates is, is it blocks the re-uptake

of nitric oxide. So it keeps the nitric oxide in the synapse for a longer period of time. Up until now, pretty much what men could do is take a pill or just suffer through it, suffer through directly and so on. Exactly, so what gains weight that even germosex, yeah. What gains weight actually does is it stimulates the production of stem cells. So it stimulates stem cells to grow new blood vessels and it stimulates the production of what's called

Vegeph or Vascular endothelial growth factor. It's a hormone that's produced locally that stimulates the growth of blood vessels. And so then you push more blood into the penis you get in a direction. So how do you know who's right for gains wave? Who's just has some other stress, a lot of stressors in their life going on?

Well, first of all, you can take a good history. So people that have vascular disease in their family, or have been to the cardiologist, have heart disease, have diabetes, have smoking, there are a number of things that can contribute to bascular genetic erectile dysfunction. Now if someone's younger, if someone's 20, 25 years old, then it's probably something totally different. And what age are the majority of men starting to experience this? So they did something called the Massachusetts male aging study and this is what most people

refer to when they look at incidence of erectile dysfunction. And so men in their 40s in the Massachusetts male aging study, about 40% of them experience some degree of erectile dysfunction. Men in their 50s, it's about 50%. Men in their 60s, it's about 50%. Men in their 60s, it's about 60%. Men in their 70s, it's about 70%. Right, okay. That's what it seems like. I'm always telling my friends,

like when they're with someone for the first time in their 40s, I'm like, that's what happens. The pain just doesn't start to work as well, as efficiently. Exactly, but you hit on a good point, which is anxiety or nervousness, produces hormones in the body that constrict blood vessels. So if you're being chased by a saber-tutiger, the hormones that your body produces are the

same ones that you get produced if you are nervous on going on a first date, and that will potentially reduce the amount of blood flow going to the penis. One of the reasons my show people feel comfortable calling in is because it's anonymous, but there's a lot of men who call in and they, I might be the first person they've ever talked about their penis challenges. They don't want to talk to their doctors, they don't want to talk to their partners. And what do you think it is after all your years work here? And then why is there so much shame about talking about what's going on. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of ego involved.

There's a lot of macho or manliness. And so in my practice, Brandeis MD in San Ramon, California, what we do is we really try to disarm that. We try to explain to men that this is part of life. This happens to almost everyone at some point in their life. And there's no shame, there's no, it's not a problem. For example, people don't feel their embarrassed going to the cardiologist. Right. You know, you're like, oh, I'm taking my dad to the cardiologist today.

Right. But people are for some reason embarrassed or ashamed of going to the urologist for a rectal dysfunction, but you know, it's the same disease process. Exactly. Right. It's just blood vessels getting blocked, delivering less blood to an end organ. And in one case, it's the heart, in another case, it's the penis. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, that's my goal in the planet.

Let's just talk about all of it. Let's just talk about, you know, our challenges, sexually otherwise. Do you have patients' partners coming to you because it's harder for them just talk about all of it. Let's just talk about, you know, our challenges, sexually otherwise. You have patients, partners coming to you because it's harder for them to talk about, like their spouses come in. You know, I'd say about a third of the time they come with their spouses. Okay, that's good.

I think it's important. Yeah, I actually really like it when they bring their spouses. Because, you know, it's a team effort. It is a team effort. Sex is a team effort, you know, awful, you'll call in and like, have you ever talked to your partner about this?

Whatever it is, give it penis, give you orgasms with men and what anything. And they will not comfortable with it. So you heard about Gaines wave shock therapy for ED and Pyroni's disease. It also helps. So if you could talk about Pyronis for a second and then you brought it to San Francisco essentially

when you heard about it a few years ago. Right. And your business has just been taken off because you're helping men in ways that are, I'm assuming it is. I was, when I first heard about it for years, I was like, holy, there is a solution for men in ED that is not a pill that could change your life. This is going to be the biggest thing ever. So let's talk about the specific, first, that's explained peronies because that's really

common to people are as familiar with the term. Sure. So peronies disease is scar tissue on the inside of the penis. And about 80% of the time, people don't even realize when it occurs, but basically the lining of the inside of the penis, I know we talked just a minute ago about the high pressures on the inside of the penis.

And the lining of the inside of the penis is unique in that it can withstand those really high blood pressures, but it can stretch. But if you get a small crack in that tissue, it produces scar tissue. Now scar tissue in the body is strong, but it doesn't stretch. And so you get one side of the penis that stretches and one side of the penis that doesn't stretch. And so you end up with a curvature. And so what gains wave is actually able to do is break up that scar tissue. So if you look at the collagen, which is what makes up the inside of the penis collagen

and the last end, under the microscope, you'll see that in normal tissue, it's kind of more parallel fibers. But in scar tissue, the fibers are all over the place, kind of scrambled. And so when you pull on those fibers that are all scrambled, they can't stretch. Right, okay. And so with Gaines' way, what you do is you break up the adhesions or the blockages,

and then you use a penal pump to stretch that tissue to pull that tissue back into a way that's more parallel so that tissue can stretch. And so they're really only two FDA approved treatments for pyronis disease. One is surgery. Yeah. And I used to do that surgery, but one it affects, affects sensation because a lot of times the nerves are caught in the scar tissue.

And the other thing is a lot of times patients complain that their penis is smaller at the end. That's a bummer. They're like, I'll take the bend back. That's a piece of small. Can you reverse it up? It's called the collagenase. It's a medication called xiaflex. And what it does is it dissolves the plaque.

But the problem is you have a lifetime risk of a penile fracture, meaning that you're creating a weakness in the lining of the penis. And so during sex, you potentially can snap or break that part of the penis, which you know is really not considered good form. And the other thing is while you're undergoing treatment with zyaphylax, you can't have sex for about a month or two. So let's talk about Gaineswave. Let's just get into it. So how does it work? I walk in with my penis.

I can't get hard. I'm having problems with erectile dysfunction. I come to see you. You test, you figure it out. We've decided that I'm a candidate. Right. And so we use a start. How quickly, like, what happened?

Okay, six weeks. And my office is once a week for six weeks. Each treatment takes about 15 or 20 minutes. All right. We use a topical numbing medication on the penis. OK. So it doesn't hurt. It feels like irritating.

And then it's like an ultrasound transducer, but it's shock waves. OK. It's different than sound waves. Sound waves are kind of nice, what we call sinusoidal or gentle waves, that you use for diagnostic imaging. Okay. These are shock waves and it's kind of interesting in World War II they noticed when

there were explosions even people that weren't directly involved in the explosions had damaged their internal organs. Oh okay. And it's because of shock waves. Wow okay. And so some really smart German scientists figured out well maybe we should use this for, okay. And so some really smart German scientists figured out well maybe we should use this for other purposes. And so we actually use it to break up kidney stones at much higher pressures but for erectile dysfunction what we do is we dial it down. So it's a hundred times less intense than we use to break up kidney stones. Okay. And what it does is it tricks your body. So that's the shock waves create a situation where your body feels like it's being injured. Okay. And so in your body you generate an injury

response and inflammation and that injury response is a healing response. And part of a healing response is growing new blood vessels. So you have stem cells that start to grow and you produce what are called cytokines or hormones that are local that cause blood vessels to grow and nerves to respond. And that's basically how you get to improve. And it's generating new collagen too internally. What it does is it stimulates your body to improve. So it's like we have for cancer we have what we call immunotherapy right and what that does is it stimulates your body to attack cancer cells. Right. Okay. In this situation you're stimulating your

body to repair itself. So you have one treatment or 15 minutes and then what how soon can you see results after that? Usually see results after about four or five treatments. Patients will get sometimes a result after the first or second treatment, but that's usually because of a release of nitric oxide. Usually it's the fourth or fifth treatment where they begin to start to see results and then those continue for about eight to ten weeks. Now some patients, especially younger patients, will respond really well after six treatments. Other patients will respond well after 12 treatments.

And other patients, we use in additional adjunct treatments like PRP or stem cells take them to the next level. Okay, so you could also do that too, PRP stem. I'm hearing a lot of this with women's health as well. Paint me like a before and after. Typical patient. Couldn't get hard or stay, stay erect, where you get a wreck, lose a direction during the course, and now it happens. You know, a typical patient is a 54-55 year old male who now all of a sudden finds that he needs to be on Viagra. Not all the time, but for the most part, and things are slowly beginning to get worse.

And so you can either take Viagra every single time he wants to get an erection, or he can do gainswave, and after six gainswave treatments, he'll be back to where it was five or 10 years ago. It's amazing. And how long does it last? The treatments last up to two years?

Yeah, about up to the data shows that there's about a 50% retention at a year or two. And so what we do is we usually put patients on gains we've made in its protocols. And so every six months, they come in for one or two treatments. Because we can turn back the clock, but we can't stop the clock. There's the aging process continues. And so I have this concept of keeping your penis in shape.

Right? You know, when you were 20 years old, you could probably run a six minute mile. When you're 30 years old, you can run a seven minute mile. When you're 40 years old, you can run an eight minute mile. You know, over time, you decline. And that Massachusetts male aging study at 40 years old, 40% of guys had erected all this function, but didn't happen overnight. Right. Exactly.

They didn't just drop off a cliff. And so, you know, I was thinking about this and talking to some of my colleagues and saying, you know, what can we do as men to keep our penises in shape? Okay. The same way you go to the gym and keep your cardiovascular system in shape. And there are some basic intuitive things like eat well, drink water, exercise, but there are some things that are very specific to the penis.

And Gaines' wave is one of them. A nitric oxide booster is another one, and that's very underrated. But as you get older, you lose nitric oxide. So, but the time you're 50, you've lost 50% of your nitric oxide production. By the time you're 70, you've lost about 75% of your nitric oxide production. So, it's like a dimmer switch in a room. Right. So, 50% light, you can probably still do most stuff. But by the time the light's down to 25%, you're not going to do surgery, and you're not going to speed read, but you could probably walk around the room.

And so, by replacing nitric oxide, that's something that you can do to keep your penis in shape. How can they do that on the room? They have to come see you. No, you can just get an nitric oxide booster. Really? Like you just buy an Amazon? And you can test your penis.

Exactly. In fact, I'm making an nitric oxide booster. Really? Like you just buy a gun amazone? Exactly. In fact, I make an nitric oxide booster called a firm. That's available at firm science.com. Firm science.com. Okay, I think you're going to have a lot of you who are going to want to talk to you about this. I want to talk about men keeping their penises healthy throughout their lifetime. Because I think what about just strengthening their product floor, doing caggles for man are important. You know, that's good for continents. Uh-huh. You're an air conditioning. It's real. Yeah. And it's good for ejaculation.

Uh-huh. But getting an erection is a different system. We created Brandeis MD, my wife and I, as a place where men could be really comfortable, talking about really uncomfortable things. So, talking about sex and talking about physical intimacy and talking about relationship is hard for everyone. I mean, it's hard for me. Yeah. things. So talking about sex and talking about physical intimacy and talking about relationship is hard for everyone. I mean, it's hard for me. And so, and and guys always put up this wall, this front, this macho front, not everyone, but many. Yeah, I know I get it. Many,

many, many, and it and we don't grow up talking about those kind of things. And so a lot of men are uncomfortable talking to other people about it, talk to their spouse about it. And since I'm a urologist and I talk about penises and prostate and those kind of things all day, it's almost second nature to me. And so I think guys are very comfortable talking to me about it because it doesn't get a rise up. Right, right. You know, I'm a very sort of calm person to begin with. Right. And so, you know, guys, I've seen, as a urologist for 20, 25 years, I've pretty much seen everything.

Oh, sure. It's really hard to get my blood pressure out. Right. And so what I found was I was actually pretty good at talking to men about these kind of things. And then I found that I enjoyed talking to men about these kind of things. And then I found that I enjoyed talking to men about these kind of things and about what makes them tick. And then you get these success stories like this one patient I had who was 74 years old.

And he was one of my first gains weight patients. And he'd been my patient for about 15 years and his wife had Alzheimer's disease. And he was such a devoted husband. I mean, he took such good care of his wife and it was so difficult. Towards the end, she didn't even know his name. And after 10 years, she passed away. And then I saw him every six months. And then I saw him back a year or two after his wife passed away.

And he told me, oh, I got a girlfriend. But I have a problem. I can't get in a reaction. I said, Peter, let's try this new thing called Gaines Wave. And I heard it works really well and I have the machine. And so we started doing Gaines Wave and after the fourth and fifth treatment, he came in and he had that red blush

that you get when you're 15 or 16 year old boy and you kissed your first girl. And I said, you know, what's going on, Peter? He came into the office and he was hugging me and hugging my medical assistant. And he said, you know, my girlfriend and I went out and I took a Levitra tablet and he goes, and I was able to have sex with her.

And that was the first time I've had sex in 15 years. And it was such a special moment for him and for me. And, you know, I've cured people of cancer so many times in taking out kidney stones and help people in so many different ways. But that was such a special moment to be able to help someone in that way. Yeah. I'll always remember it. And that was really sort of one of the first impetus for me to move away from doing a general urology

and move into the sexual medicine space. And I have so many stories now like that where families are about to break up or marriages are about to break up and we're able to help men through Gaines' wave get their erections back, get their sexual spontaneity back, and get their erections back, get their sexual spontaneity back, and get their physical intimacy back, and get their relationship back on track.

And we prevented families from breaking up, we've prevented divorces, and Gaines Wave really has been the key for a lot of men, because it's a curative situation, because women sometimes feel really bad, that they feel like it's their fault. Yeah, we know. That their husband or spouse can't get an erection,

that they're not attractive, or they're not attractive as a maid. And it plays into the relation. I mean, you obviously know this a lot more than I do, but it plays into the relationship dynamics. It does, absolutely. Women we take it out, like, when we do, they have a lot of friends

who can counter this for the relationship dynamics. It does, absolutely. Women we take it out, like, we want to, like, I have a lot of friends who can counter this for the first time. Our husband, they do it for a long time, like, all of a sudden, like, is it me? I'm like, it's not, like, I really, I really, it's not you. Women automatically take it out. But when we can't have orgasms,

we also blame ourselves. So anyway, it's okay. Women want to be caretakers. It's unfair, but I love that you are, give you your men their confidence back. And, yeah, pretty families together. And letting people have the sex that they exert, because we forget. And I think guys, we way more talk about this, about the solutions for men and women.

You know better than anyone that this is just one small component of physical intimacy. So in my clinic, I try to avoid words like sex. For me and for us in our clinic, and I have a psychologist that works with us, and my staff is really well trained and highly educated to talk about this in terms of physical intimacy. You know, in my office, we're not looking to like help guys go out and score chicks at a bar. No. What we're trying to do is to help men who've had a good healthy life maintain physical intimacy which is an important part of enjoyment of life. Thank you so much Dr. Brandeis. Where can people find you? What's the best place to find you right now? So Brandeis MD.com and also I have a Vimeo page. So if anyone's really interested in taking a little bit

of a deeper dive on the science, you can go to my Vimeo page, which is brand iSembti, and also Gaineswave.com is a great resource to learn about Gaineswave to find a local provider. OK. And they have a lot of really good information about Gaineswave. Dr. Brandi's this was fascinating.

Men, thank you. I thank you very much. Oh, my pleasure. Have a great day. thank you very much. Oh, my pleasure. Have a great day. Thank you very much. Bye. All right, we're going to take a quick break, and when we come back, we're going to get into your emails.

All right, love answering your questions. It's why I'm here on the planet. And if you want to question answer on the show, go to my website, sexfamily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the form, or email feedback at sexfamily.com. Always, always, always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys.

Okay, James is going to read the emails. All right, we have Michelle. She's 31 in Illinois and she writes, Hi Emily. I'm with an amazing man who loves and supports me like crazy. He has helped open up and deal with a long history of sexual trauma and he's the first man I've really wanted to let in pun intended. He has a very high libido and would be happy with sex at least two times a day. I have a low libido once a week, sometimes feels like a lot, and I struggle to get aroused even solo. I'm starting

to masturbate and re-equate myself my body aroused on desire, but I feel like I'm constantly leaving my man unsatisfied. He says he doesn't like to masturbate and would rather wait for me, but I'm feeling like this creates pressure to be in the mood for him when I'm really not there. He doesn't like duty sex either

because he wants me to enjoy it also. Wondering how to talk to him about managing his own libido to relieve some pressure, if this is even the right solution? Ways I can help move through my trauma, embrace my sexuality again, and keep us both sexually happy and satisfied. I miss having a healthy sex life. Thank you so much.

All right, Ms. Shell. Thank you for this question. There's a lot of different layers here. So let me unpack this for you. First of all, thank you so much for sharing all this and opening up to us with your vulnerabilities and sending the email. Let me just take this step by step. I'm going to start with your sexual trauma. It sounds like you said he's helped you deal

with a long history of sexual trauma, but I'm wondering if you've actually dealt with that trauma because even if you have a supportive partner, we have to do the work. And that work is therapy, like deep intensive therapy. And what I recommend for sexual trauma is a therapy called EMDR. Eye movement, desensitization, reprocessing. It's a really effective therapy for people who've experienced trauma that helps essentially rewire your brain and that will help you relieve some of this if you haven't done therapy yet. So that's the first part and that's probably, I mean, you're 31 years old, you're healthy. I feel like that's going to be a big thing for you. You said you're starting to masturbate and

reacquaint yourself with your body, but you still feel like you're leaving him unsatisfied. I'm wonder if you've actually talked to him about this, that you constantly feel unsatisfied like you're letting him down, that might be a pattern too, you might feel like you're constantly letting people down in your life as well. With the mismatch libidos, you absolutely have to have a talk with him and just like you can even let him know you sent this email. I mean, I think the more honest we are with our partners that we're trying to solve a problem that we really care is going to take a lot of the pressure

off of both of you because you might find out from him that he's fine and he's willing to make sacrifices. I feel not sacrifices. I feel like who'd be willing to make compromises because here's the thing. All couples have to make sacrifices around their sex life. Things do change. He wants it every day. You're not feeling like you have it at all. That can be really, really frustrating. I also do think it's important for him to masturbate and not hold back for you because I can

understand why that's giving you a lot of pressure right now. I think that perhaps you guys could do some mutual masturbation together. It's kind of like maybe when you're alone masturbating, it doesn't really work for you because maybe you get into your head that happens to a lot of us. So maybe if you guys, you know, masturbate together that could kind of help you get going and then see if that gets you in the mood.

I know that duty sex for him and for anyone feels like, oh God, it's a duty, but I think if you make sure that you're getting pleasure as well, like I said, starting with masturbation or just starting with some intimacy overall, like for a lot of women, and I'm just talking about women in general, we just don't get the kind of pre-sex behavior or foreplay that we need. And so it sounds like an overall conversation with them about the state of your sex life that you love them, that you care about them, that you love your sex life,

and that you guys are a team, and that you want to do everything you can with him to make sure that you guys are both satisfied. I think that will send you in the right direction. So having the talk, getting yourself into some therapy, I'm glad they support you, you need to get your own help, and then figuring out what kind of compromises you guys can make to make sure that you are having the sex and intimacy you need to stay connected. Okay, this next one is from Jason, who's 37 in Florida. He writes, Hi Emily.

I've been listening to your show for a few weeks now and love it. It's definitely freed my mind up a lot. So my wife and I have been married for 14 years. Have three children and our sex has always been amazing and keeps getting better. Recently, my wife opened up to me about a fan as she has been having about me having sex with another woman, and that she's been thinking about at the past several times we've had sex. Because of past relationships, and I believe because of her father cheating on her mother

leading to their divorce after 27 years, my wife struggles with jealousy and insecurity sometimes. We've been able to communicate through the issue in the past, but because of that, I was very taken aback by her fantasy. In my mind, there just isn't room for jealousy and being turned on by me being with another woman. The little conversation we did have about it, she seemed kind of confused herself. I'd definitely be interested in pursuing that, but in that moment, I was careful not to show my interest, hoping not to stir anything up. Anyways, I just don't know what the next step is.

Help. Okay. Jason, thank you for this question. You sound like a great husband and very, very thoughtful to a really great comprehensive understanding of your wife. I would definitely be cautious here. I mean, if she's got a history of jealousy and insecurities, having you, you know, a lot of our fantasies just need to remain a fantasy. So I would really have

a few more conversations, a lot of conversations. I mean, if she's still confused by it, this is you guys are nowhere near close to having my consent to go ahead and work through this to start having sex with other women. I think the best way to test this would be to do some role-playing. I mean, this is a great suggestion for couples who like wanna have three sums or bring another partner in or try something,

is to watch porn with the, this is where I like porn. It can be a great tool. You can look up, you know, couples of, you know, husbands having sex with other women, you know, you can find anything. And then, we'll talk that through, narrate that with each other, like right now, or you can only have to watch the porn. You can just say, right now, I'm having sex with another woman and I'm telling you all

about it or Latin. You can even make up a story. Last night, I was sleeping with so and so, because I'm not sure if she's saying she wants to watch or she just wants to hear about it. So maybe if you just make up stories, that might, I mean, know that might sound kind of like what, but that might be enough to turn her on. And enough to make her realize if it's really something that a road that she wants to go down. But after reading this, I'm not feeling like this is anything you guys need to jump into.

So I'm really glad that she's sharing fantasies with you because I think having a healthy fantasy life is part of having a healthy sex life. This particular fantasy I think you just do some more unraveling and see if perhaps by role playing or watching porn together, this might expand into another kind of fantasy that maybe fits for both of you because this is not something to go through now. This one comes from Brittany who's 29 in Virginia. Hi Emily. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 3.5 and we're currently expecting our first child. Much to our surprise, pregnancy has done wonders for our sex life.

My sex drive is off the charts, we're having it 2-3 times a day, sexting those days, trying lots of new things, buying toys, etc. Previously we had a very good sex life, but probably only one to twice a week and almost always initiated by my husband. It's been a very welcome and exciting development. However, I'm nervous that once our baby arrives this will change. One, I won't be able to have sex for six to ten weeks after birth. Two, at least at the very beginning, it'll be very difficult to find a load time. And three, I also worry about hormonal changes that can make my sex drive dip back to more modest levels. I'm really enjoying this

new sexual chapter and want to maintain our intense intimacy as much as possible. What are some things we could do in the months following our child's birth to keep ourselves sexually connected, even if we can't have sex or sex as often as we want to? And secondly, do you have advice for transitioning back into regular sex after fully recovering from labor? Thank you.

All right, Brittany, thank you for the email. And congratulations on having a really sexy pregnancy because, you know, they often deal with some women do their libidos, really spike during pregnancy. And so I think that's a great thing. And I'm super happy for you that you guys are really able to explore right now. So here's my advice for you. Do your best to just be appreciative and grateful for the sex that you're having right

now and pay attention to it because yes, a lot of it has to do with spaking hormones around pregnancy. But also, you're really learning how to connect with him and you're learning what it feels like. It sounds like, well, you know, you've heard of muscle memory. Well, sex is a lot like that. Like, if you can just really be present with the great sex you're having now, it'll be much, much easier to tap into it after the baby comes to keep it going. So this is just a gift and it's amazing that you're having all this great sex. After childbirth, remember this. Your doctor says it's going to take six to ten weeks. Some women it takes longer. So don't put a lot of pressure on yourself.

Remember you have to go slow. Also, I understand that you're worried about the path about what's going to happen in the future, but as much as you can stay grounded and maybe replace that worry with like, we're laying the groundwork for an amazing future of having amazing sex because we're experiencing it now because for a lot of women, they report after childbirth, their sex actually gets better and there's no reason that can't be you. Know that after childbirth, breastfeeding can also sometimes dampen the beadows. So just be patient with yourself and pelvic floor.

I'm telling you in America, we don't do as much for women when they leave the hospital after childbirth. So you have to keep your pelvic floor healthy. I would say a pelvic floor physical therapist. I would definitely do your keg exercises, do Pilates, make sure even right now, well your pregnant is a great time to make sure that you're strong and doing all the right things to make sure that your body is in a great shape once you have that baby. Also, sex after a child

birth just because you can't have intercourse for six to ten weeks or however hour long. Remember how important it is to keep the intimacy alive. And this means hand holding, cuddling, quality time. Maybe it's mutual masturbation until you guys are ready, but making sure that you still keep that time for each other, even when you won't have a lot of time having a new baby in the house. But just keep prioritizing it, keep talking to them about how you're feeling. Don't pretend to be in a different place than you're at. And I think that you'll continue to keep the hot sex going.

And congratulations, too. I know that sounds amazing that she, her, she's like my sex life. It's, it's off my drives off the charts. That's amazing. Amazing. It's so good. I know, because I mean, they say that for women,

it can spike at different trimesters, but the fact that like, she's experiencing it so much more, I would want to hold on to that. I would be like, don't go away. Stop the baby staying a little longer. If you can like, put your sex drive into like a little pocket. That does like remember what's happening because you can tap into it.

Okay, and last email, this comes from David. He's 35 in Toronto. Hi Emily, I was wondering what your opinion is on virtual reality or VR porn as it is relatively new. My wife and I have a great sex life and we both approve of porn although we never watch together. I tried watching VR porn a couple times and find it semi-realistic as it feels more like the actresses are right there with you. Do you think there's anything wrong with this or that I should bring it up with my wife? My opinion is it's not any closer to cheating as it's still all in my head, but I was wondering what you think. Thank you.

All right, David. Okay, this is a great question because virtual reality porn, sex with robots, all of it is coming, it's happening. I'm glad that you both approve of porn, but you've never watched it together. I like the idea of you guys watching it together and honestly I know I've checked out virtual reality porn, it is realistic, it does feel really true to life and we're already having problems with people watching porn and it's like re-riring their brains, meaning that they need much more intense

stimulation to get aroused, people have a harder time having sex with their partners. I don't think there's, I mean I'm never going to tell you not, you know, did anything wrong with it. But if you're actually emailing me and you're feeling like it feels very real and kind of close to actually having sex and you're curious you should admit it to your wife, I'm thinking it's something maybe you steer clear of right now because we know best and you're feeling it in your body. And I think the reality of it might even make you more attached or perhaps even eventually like addicted to it.

And I like the idea of continuing to enhance your sex life with your wife and figuring out what you guys could do. You said you have a great sex life and you both approve of porn but you don't watch together. I'm wondering what makes your sex life so great with your wife because I believe you when you say it is and what can you do to expand that? So everything that's great with our sex lives right now, like I love when people are having great sex with their partners, and I always say,

it's not static, so keep working on it. What is great and how can you take it to the next level with her? How can you turn away from the porn and turn towards your wife? And say, babe, I want to continue to grow with you. Let's go buy some toys, maybe watch some porn together, try new things, role play,

but I feel like that's gonna feel a lot better to you in the long run than going down a road with virtual reality porn. That's how I feel about it. All right, guys, thanks so much for the questions. Thank you, I hope you guys enjoyed the show and the interview with Dr. Brandeis. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer Jamie Urock, and Michael.

Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamily.com.