Sex With Emily - Penis Problems? Not Anymore

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

Real talk: penis problems are more common than you think. But don’t let shame stop you from healing - both inside and out. Today, we’re normalizing the experience of penis challenges, and providing tools to help mend your member. She wants to end a relationship because he can’t keep it up - are there other issues at play beyond sexual incompatibility? Can erection issues from a sex-related injury be reversed? I offer some science-backed treatments to check out. Another penis-owner can only orgasm through solo sex, are trust issues to blame? We talk through some exercises to help get to orgasming with a partner. I’ll cover all this and more in this episode.Show Notes:When It’s Time to Unplug, Plug In a Magic WandLELO Tor 2 (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off all products)Promescent.com/Emily (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout)Boston Scientific treatment options for EDPRP Injections (John Hopkins Medical)Podcast: Best Of: Power to the Penis w/ Dr. Edward KarpmanSKYN CondomsOne Condoms “Find My Fit”Pjur Woman Aqua LubricantThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/sexwithemily and get 10% off your first month. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Because what I've also found is that once you give men something to do, you take the pressure off their penis and you're like, hello, have you met my clitoris? Have you seen my nipples? This is what I like. Then they're focused on another project, another thing, and sometimes their erections magically come back. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation

around sex. Alright, real talk. Penis problems are more common than you think, but don't let shame stop you from healing both inside and out. Today we're normalizing the experience of penis challenges and providing tools to help mend your member. She wants to end a relationship because he can't keep it up. Other issues that play beyond sexual incompatibility,

can erection issues from a sex-related injury be reversed? I offer some science-backed treatments to check out. Another penis owner can only orgasm through solo sex. Our trust issues to blame. We talk through some exercises to help get to orgasming with the partner. I'll cover all this and more in this episode. Intentions with Emily for each episode I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to leave any anxiety you may have around penis health and function. Our bodies are dynamic with amazing healing powers, so whether your penis problem is physical, mental, or emotional, I'm here for you and I've got solutions.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article when it's time to unplug, plug in a magic wand is up at sexwithemily.com slash magic wand. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show.

And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Before we get into today's episode, I want to tell you about our partner, Layla. Today's episode is all about the penis and Layla, well, they have just the toy to please the penis in your life. So they're Tor-2, T-O-R-2. It's a flexible, vibrating, cock-ring. It has these powerful vibrations that deliver intense pleasure for both partners, right? So the penis feels good. And then if you're having sex, let's say with a vulva owner, then the vibrations hit the clitoris, the external parts of the vulva, and it feels amazing.

So this couple's toy is designed with smooth body-safe silicone. This is very unlike the problematic coquering you'll hear about later in this episode. This is made with all the right materials. It comfortably fits all penis sizes and it's also waterproof, has an easy to control interface and you can switch between six different stimulation modes. And it's fully rechargeable and provides up to an hour and a half of pleasure at a time which is great. You don't have to worry about it dying on you.

It has powerful yet whisper quiet vibrations that Lalo products are known for. This is what I love about Lalo products. They're quiet. So you have to worry about your kids hearing or your roommates. You can find the tour to at laylow.com slash TOR2 plus get 25% off all Laylo products if you use code Emily at checkup, which is by the way a really great offer. Remember that's L-E-L-O dot com slash TOR hyphen 2 Laylo dot com slash Tor hyphen number 2 or by clicking the link in our show notes. Art of One, enjoy this episode.

Our sexual pleasure depends on how we handle stress and where that stress is coming from a new study showed. I tell this to you because it's not because it's not really a surprise to say, but what I like about this is the genitals are the most honest part of the body. When your genitals say no, that can just be your minds. We have telling you something's wrong. For women, bad sex stems from job stress, external pressures like a deadline or a nasty boss.

For men, it comes from burnout and Exhaustion from within caused by being too invested in the rat race. So Sex is something we want to do when we're relaxed and we're happy and we're in a good place But if our brain is on like I said our brain is the is the most prominent most powerful organ, if your brain is consumed with stress and worry about money, job, family stress, you're not gonna be, you're not gonna all of a sudden want to have sex. So the study shows that men had weak erections

or none at all when they were stressed out. Women were more dry. So I'm just reminding you that your happiness and your like dealing with your stress level is, I don't know, I can tell you from someone who's stressed a lot. And I work a lot on not being, but it happens that if it just is like a, it's never ending. If you have a pattern of stress in your life, it's really not going to end without saying, I don't want this anymore.

I'm going to change my behavior. I'm going to change my patterns. I'm going to say no to things as I'm going to make more time for myself. I'm going to telling you, if you go home and have an orgasm and you masturbate, you have sex, you're going to feel better. If you're in a healthy sexual place. Sarah 22 New York City says, she's already seen someone new, we're running at them sexual

difficulties. He hasn't been able to maintain a reaction, we tried a number of times, he loses a direction as soon as it looks like things are heading towards sex. He also won't attempt any other sexual acts, won't touch my breasts or butt without his hands being moved to those areas. I want him to initiate sexual activities and sex with me. I've expressed my interest in having to be more sexually aggressive.

I wondered if he's interested in me or in sex. He assured me that that's not the case. He's been sexually active before, he actually has a high sex drive, but I think he's in his head now. Any suggestions? Are we just actually incompatible? He also indicated it as I already get into a relationship, but I don't feel comfortable doing so without seeing whether we're sexually compatible.

Any suggestions on having the talk without putting more pressure on the performance? It's a great question. So this is something, I should go off on this forever, but men are losing erections now more frequently at a younger age than I ever heard from people before. A lot of times it's because of anxiety or repeated pattern of losing erection. So then you're like, oh, I'm going to lose an erection, and usually it's because you're inside it, you're really in your head. And for some men, there's a lot of different reasons

why this could happen. It could be happening because he's watching a lot of porn. You know, maybe when there's not the stimulation of porn, I mean, think about it. When you're 22, you essentially grew up with porn. You grew up with it on your phone, you had an iPad, when you grew up with it. So porn is always the precursor to sex, right?

And that's every time you masturbate, you watch porn, watch porn, watch masturbate. And then you're in the real life and you're having sex with a real human. And it might just feel like your body isn't, isn't ready, it isn't prepared for it. It's sort of off because you're not having that porn precursor. That's one theory. There could just be some pressure. So anxiety around it, maybe it's happened before he might be on medications that could cause that. If he's drinking a lot, that could also cause it. There's also studies that have shown lately that this generation of people like in the younger in their 20s and teens are maybe born with less testosterone.

It could be a hormone issue where they're saying it's because of our foods and certain things this is a newer theory, but it could be that because I'm hearing it more and more often in ways that don't actually use to it Didn't make sense, but it could be porn. It could be anxiety Medications so I would just I Think that that's what's happening is that Sarah he's getting anxious because he lives in his erection So he can't think of anything else. He can't think about your breasts He can't think about going down on you But I think what you need to let him know is that it's okay because what I've also found is that once you give men something to do And you take the pressure off their penis and you're like, hello, have you met my clitoris? Have you seen my nipples?

This is what I like Then they're focused on another project, another thing, and sometimes their erections magically come back, because they're focused on your pleasure. They're engaged in that task. They want to please you. I believe that most of our partners want to please us. I would just tell them,

this is what I really like. I think you got to talk to them. I don't know if you had the conversation outside the bedroom, where you say, let's talk about our sex life. I understand sometimes you lose direction. That's totally, you know, I don't think we should trip on it. Comes back eventually because it does usually come back. But you could say, here's what I love and I know I've mentioned this to you before. But sometimes I think, maybe you don't know

what I like. So let me show you what I like. Show him how you like to be touched. Show him what kind of touch looks great on your nipple. Feels good on your nipples. Show him what feels good on your body. I think a lot, and remember, you're in your early 20s, I'm going to assume that neither one of you have a lot of sexual experience yet with sexually healthy relationships. You might have had a lot of sex, but it doesn't mean they were healthy and communicative. I agree.

Do not commit to anybody until you find out if you're sexually compatible, but the only way you're going to find that out is if you talk about it and you experiment. And see if he's receptive to it. And then if he's not, he's like, I don't want to work on it, I don't want to talk about it. Well, then you have your answer. Today's show is all about the penis, and our first caller has a story about how his penis injury might have contributed to the evolution of safer sex toys. This is John 45 in Iowa. Hi John, what happened?

Back in about the mid 90s when sex toys were designed by I feel like almost anybody with a patent. Exactly. I bought a vibrating cock ring. It was really hard plastic. It had to drill it on the top and it had the cord and you had to use two AA batteries with a little wide remote. So I took it back at the time with my ex. Like I said, this was 20 years ago. I put it on and the cock ring fit.

And I'm thinking there's a little bit of give with this maybe. So of course, as sex is going on and I keep getting harder and bigger and harder, I notice that I'm having sex in doggy style and I look down because of the feeling of a woman's natural lubrication and blood are two sort of different feelings for me. I can sort of feel it. And I'm like, there's some blood here. And I'm

asking them, like, is it your time of the month? Is it cycling? She's like, no, so I go and I turn on, you know, turn the lights on because the lights are damp. And literally what happens with the vibrate tockering, because it's hard plastic, it expanded, it cracked, and literally cut the top of my penis. And I had about a two inch scar on the top of my penis, where as we like to say in where I live, it cut me open. You can see the white meat.

Ouch. What happened after, okay, let me just tell people that they don't make toys like that anymore. They're all body safe materials. Like there's, they don't, but I remember those toys that were like plastic and hard. And they literally don't make toys like that anymore. Thank God. All the things I talk about are like, this stuff doesn't happen. But that's horrible.

Did it, did it heal right away or what happened? Oh, pain. Also, what happened, what happened afterwards was, I was sort of freaking out. And I was like, okay, I got it. And it's going to, you know, I was only 23 at the time. I was like, well, let me go ahead and I, because it was with my ex wife, you know, I was only 23 at the time. I was like, well, let me go ahead and I, um, because those with my X-Wipe, it's, I was like, well, let me, you know, put a condom on, I put on the condom, finish, clean myself up, um, bandage myself up and I was so heated and so mad.

I drove down to the soap, and like took took into the guide the counter and i said you're pulling this off the shelf tonight and he said why and literally how was so mad i remember those a few people in the store and i literally just put my pants down like in front of them and show them the scar and i said yeah you pull this off the shelf now then uh... i threw the sexway I had with me in the trash. He returned my money, he walked over there to the display counter and pulled all of them

off the shelf. Oh, and then he wrote, okay. Oh my God, that's horrible. Jonathan, have you ever used a sex toy again? Yes, yes, I've called you several times. So I've told you before that man should have a drawer full of sex toys. I do. I have several different cock rings vibrating cock rings. But yeah, I do have a multiple two of toys. Okay, good. I remember

now. I'm over here for you. Yes. Yes. Electroelectro shock stimulation. I just keep getting more and more and more. Oh, I'm so glad. I got to try it. Yeah. Okay, before we take a short break, since today's show is all about helping penises, I want to talk about one of our partners that's dedicated to doing the same, and that is, promising. Now, you've heard me talk about promising delay spray, which helps penis owners gain control

of their ejaculation and close the orgasm gap. But today, I want to talk to you all about their Vitaflex supplement for men. It is one of their best sellers and ever since they started it's been going crazy. People love it. It has nitric oxide, which relaxes blood vessels, allowing for more blood flow and improving erectile strength. It also has zinc, which naturally increases testosterone production and cell metabolism, which naturally increases testosterone production and cell metabolism, which not only help increase libido and stamina, but also restore vitality and increase energy. You just take three capsules twice a day

so that's six total and you will notice improvements in just over 90 days. My listeners get 15% off when they go to Promescent.com slash Emily, that's pr om us cnt.com slash Emily for 15% off. Plus when you order online, you'll get free shipping as 60 day money back guarantee and discrete delivery. So make sure to go check that out and after the break we'll be taking more calls all about the penis. So don't go anywhere. We have another caller with a penis injury story.

This is Steve 46 from Ohio. Hi Steve, what's going on? It's probably about 20 years ago. Probably right before we got married. It was dog-y style position. It was the rhythm was going great. Probably when she went too far forward, I came too far back. And when I went forward again and she came back, I came too far back. And when, you know, I went forward again and she came back,

I wasn't on target. And yeah, kind of missed and I hit like, kind of her mound pelvic bone. And it hurt, but I finished. And then I went to a friend of mine. It was a doctor and he did, he had to do like a cat scan and I got lucky because they said sometimes you actually have to have a catheter put in and everything. But I have two chambers or the two chambers that are in the penis. just minded not, didn't rupture or whatever, but after all these years, I, you do have, I have having some issues, you know, not getting an erection, but definitely keeping it. So that's the one question I wanted to ask too. I don't know if you've ever heard of Primix. It's an injectable. I have.

Yeah. Every, yeah, once in a a while I have to do that, but I don't know. I mean, it's my urologist to make it to me, so I'm assuming it's safe, but I didn't know you knew anything about that. I mean, if it's working for you, I would keep, you know, I would use it, but it's to treat, but there's some other things that you might want to check out. Right now there's been some great technology advancements in male sexual challenges. I hate this the word dysfunction, but there's one called Boston Scientific, and I'm just going to tell you exactly there's two things I can tell you about. It's a penile implant, and it's a prosthetic that goes in your penis,

and it sort of has something that sort of, you have a little pump that it's a prosthetic that goes in your penis and it sort of has something that sort of, you have a little pump that is attached to it and it can help men have, keep their erections. It's like a, yeah, a penile implant. It's called Boston Scientific and I would check it out. It's like, can help with ED and how it works is, they put inside and I believe you have like a little pump with it that kind of helps you pump it up. So I would just check it out and see if that's something new that you'd wanna do and then the other thing is,

okay, so the reason my men experience so much erect, a lot of erectile dysfunction is because it's a blood flow problem, right? Even for women, if we don't get aroused, a lot of times it's blood flow. And so there's something that it's like a laser treatment on your penis that helps stimulate blood flow. And then there's one that also uses like PRP,

or it's like platelet-rich plasma. So it stimulates you with your own blood cells to help you stimulate growth again. And it helps that also helps men with erectile dysfunction. And I'm looking at the other ones. Yeah. Yes, Edward Cartman and I don't know why I'm going to his Instagram right now. I'm trying to remember the name of it and it's called oh Gaines Wave. Here it is. It's called Gaines Wave. So it's Gaines Wave one word. Non-invasive procedure that helps

treat the root cause of ED increasing blood flow using high frequency pulsed acoustic waves. It's been medically proven to provide patients with results for two to three years. And so that's just another one of the treatments that can work. And that's also, I don't think it's painful and it uses like a coosative high frequency, like a coot, like a machine, you'd basically go to a doctor's office and you'd go a few times. And so I would, I mean, if you're having good results and there's no problems, that's great. But I also want you know that we're constantly in if you think about it sex. So there's always innovation in this field. So I would check out Austin Scientific Orgain's wave and see, you know, then there's also

PRP, which uses like the plasma, which has to do with like our blood, re-injecting into specific areas of the penis can also show like when you, you know, they also do, like I said, the O shot for women. So it's called the P shot for men. That's also, you know, the P shot, penis shot you don't know, you'll remember it that way, can also be helpful. So, these are just other things. It can really help people.

It's designed to kind of help. All these are helped to design sexual performance in men. And so, it's had a lot of benefits, even for men who've like, pirony's disease, they're penis curves. And so, your penis is numb before the procedure. And it essentially again, it's just harnessing your own plasma and takes the PRP from your blood, re-injected into your penis.

All right, so more penis things. Jamal 35 in Kansas, he damaged tissue in his penis. I'm just curious, I literally in 15 years have never talked about break like this in the, it length. So tell me what happened to you Jamal. Thanks for calling. I mean, things, things helped me on the show, you know, right? I was with this girl for a long time and we were, we were job and

pretty well in the bedroom, you know, she, uh, she got me to explore some things and that was good. Um, but one of the things that she was, she was riding and she's on top, right? And all of a sudden it even felt like a pop, right? But I know I know that nothing broke, but all my burdens of pain was immense. Wow. So we had to stop. I told her, I said,

hey, you know, we got to stop and you do it. And I was I instantly was like something is wrong. You know, like got stopped and we did and I was I instantly was like something is wrong, you know Like I just knew something was wrong. It was bad. It's so well. Wow We went to the emergency room and I was hesitant to go there. I thought maybe I'll wait to the next day get a hold of my regular doctor, you know, but Yeah, so we go to the mercy room and, uh, we, uh, we do some scans and all that stuff. Anyway, I had cartilage that, that was, uh, that was messed up. Okay. I missed, I missed four days of work and I'm a hard working man. All right,

I missed four days of work. And, um, my boss was well, what's wrong with you? Why can't you come in? I said well, I got this note from the doctor. You said that's right I know but like what's wrong with you? I'm fine That was all believably I said He didn't know what I he never asked me again. I've only taken one sick day since then but He never asked me what's wrong with me no more. He's like okay didn't need to know, didn't he know, but you were covered right Jamal? Do you have any residual pain? No, no, you know a little bit of time,

that's for a while we had to take it easy, but it was probably about while we had to take it easy. But it was probably about, we can have, what we can do in India. Okay, well that's not too bad. And the overall scheme of life, we can have. Well, I'm not an overall scheme of life, that's right. But we got a little bit of time

and we was able to get back into it here. Okay, good, Jamal. Thanks for calling. She was just on top of you. Is that what happened? You said, and then she leaned a certain way. Is that what happened? Well, no, that hit. Okay, so usually when she was like, jaw raised and when she was riding,

she just go back and forth. Well, this time she's going like in a circle, you know. Oh, the circle position, like riding a joystick. Yeah, yes, man. She wouldn't get into it, And I was just like, well, it is what it is. That's great. She don't get hers. And I mean, it wasn't anything special for me. When that's fine, she got to get hers. And I was just like, oh, I love that.

That ain't right. I had to pick her up all for me. I had a grandfather where I picked her up all for me. It's just like, what's going on? You know, she was stealing it. Yeah, she's like, no, don't stop, don't stop. Right. I was like, I think you don't broke me, but.

Oh my God. I think you don't broke me, but she didn't, I mean, I'm good to go, but. Okay. Thanks, Jamal. Well, be safe. Bye, Jamal. Great to hear from you. Let's talk to Hannah 33 in Pennsylvania.

Hi, Hannah. Hi. Hey, Hannah. What's up? Thanks for calling. Hi, so I first of all have a question actually about condoms. Hi, so I first of all have a question actually about condoms. Both my and my boyfriend are sensitive to latex and I'm actually allergic. Okay, so but it's extremely hard to find a good latex free condom that is for a girthy guy.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So, I mean, we're, have you tried skin? Have you tried skin? Have you tried skin? Yeah. Yeah. You're right.

I had that. You're right. No, I had that. You're right. No, I had that problem once, because I love skin because they're non-lake texts. They're like polyisoprene or something. Bomber, yeah, you're right though. I found that their king size is not king.

So there's a lot of new condom brands, and I, well, I wish I could remember the ones. Someone just sent me, I think they're called, like, maybe it is one condom. You can find a perfect fit. Like I think you can make, it's called my perfect fit. 60 condoms sizes. It's one condoms.com.

And you can find it's 60 perfect fit condoms. So, and I don't know if they're latex or not, but Jesus, people should just make non late text condoms already I need to get into the condom business and the Lou business because I know exactly what is right? Try that out my second question is Is about Lou though because Right now we have a polygyrithane condom that we like that's usable but

There's it's hard to find a loop that is compatible with that like I was gonna try over-loop but Come to find out they're not compatible All right, so then I would say you got to try a water-based loop Yeah, no, no, I'm with I'm with you because I love silicone loop. I'm like, Pock, I'm gonna fight you got to kind of, but I would recommend, then I would recommend pure, because it sounds like if you guys have some sensitivity, pure mix, a water-based loop for women,

and it's a really good formula. I highly recommend it because it's all like body safe, body safe, not materials, body safe ingredients. And that's PJUR. It's their Aqua formula. Okay. So I would recommend that. And yeah, it's true. You can wake, yeah, you'll weaken these condoms

with the oil. So I would try that because then you have a really safe, safe, a safe lubricant that has good ingredients and the condoms, but I also think, yeah, I guess I didn't really, well, the palier fring, because I used to use silicone lube with skin condoms, but I didn't, so that's me and I never got pregnant, but I don't, I'm that's what they're saying, don't do it, don't do it. So I would try, just that's me and I never got pregnant, but I don't, I dance what they're saying,

don't do it, don't do it. So I would try, just get a really safe loop and then try out these one condoms and let me know what you think. All right, Hannah? Okay, awesome. Okay, thank you. All right, thank you Hannah, have a good night.

Thanks for calling, I appreciate it. And let's talk to Bentley, Forty and Kentucky. Hi, Bentley, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi, thank you. Yeah, so I have a question for you. I'm kind of struggling with the repercussions of a recent relationship that lasted about four years. And it was a very, very toxic relationship, primarily from their side, just dealing with a lot of neuroses on their end and something I wasn't used to dealing with, but during our relationship, we had

good sexual relations with each other, we had good intimacy for the most part, but a lot of the time I couldn't climax and I was just doing everything to kind of please them. And when they would do things to please me, it wasn't like, it didn't feel like it was enough, or like it didn't feel like it was clearly to my satisfaction. But now that the relationship is ended, I still find, like, self-arousal and self-pleasure more stimulating than I did being with them, but I have a hard time climaxing with any partner, and I may be climaxed with them two to three times in four years I was with them,

and that was very difficult to kind of deal with. So I wondered if it was something with me if I would be able to get over this. Yeah, Bentley. I know what it is. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Well, wait, so Bentley, when did this, first off, what about before this relationship where you, how are you able to climb actual the partner? It was kind of the same. Okay, so it's always been delayed, delayed ejaculation maybe it takes you about 30 even over 30 minutes you think 30-45 or you just don't. No, not at all. I wouldn't. Yeah, I don't, how about during masturbation? masturbation Masturbation. Yeah, I mean I can climax but you know when I'm with a partner

Sometimes it's like you know, I couldn't I couldn't do it and I don't know if it was because I felt like I was being judged or Or well judged for what I mean yeah, Bentley. I mean it's like I think it's a lot of it probably is just Well, you just said well here's a few things that I'm picking up on. You're with your partner for four years. And you said they never were really touching. You were doing things that made you feel good, right? Well, that's because, you know, Bentley part, they tried, but did you, were you able to tell them, were you able to say, hey, this is what I need. This is what feels good. Did you, if you didn't feel safe with them, and you didn't feel like they really had your best interest and it was pretty toxic, it can be hard to orgasm and let go because sex is letting go. Sex is when you have no worries and you're just sort of letting

go and you feel safe and you feel cared for and you feel like that person really cares about your pleasure. That's the best sex. So if you haven Bentley, I really, I don't think anything is wrong with you at all. I think a lot of our orgasms have to do with our brains. How healthy is our brain? You know, what's our? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I think. I don't think you, this is anything. Have you got me, it sounds pretty toxic. You said it was toxic. Did you get into a therapy and figure out kind of what, what, what your partner it was, what his part was, how to avoid finding people like that in the future? Well, I ended the relationship because they had been separated from their spouse and during the time that we were together

and I realized that they were really never going to leave their spouse so I ended it. And I've cut off all ties with them and stuff. And I'm at the point now emotionally where I like the idea of finding somebody, but in my circumstances, being a 40-year-old gay man, I don't, I have serious trust issues with gay men in general, where there's loyalty and, you know, commitment concerned. So I'm really just worried that like, I'm never going to find anybody and I'm never going to be able to enjoy a normal sexual relationship with someone.

Well, Bentley, is this something that you want though? Do you want it? Do you want it though, right? Because the only thing that's telling you that is your brain. So I think some therapy, like a commitment to a really good therapist, and you see them and you go in with the intention of working on your own self-love and confidence

in yourself knowing that you will find it. You know, you're four to your young, you're like a strong, healthy man. I don't, I mean, I haven't met you, but you sound very articulate and we all make choices, sometimes it aren't so great for us. Usually it's based on some family patterns and something in our childhood, but I think if you really get into therapy with this thing, like I want to be at that, like it's not going to happen because those are self-defeating thoughts, which we all have, okay? I think if you really get into therapy with this thing, like I want to be at that, like it's not gonna happen because those are self-defeating thoughts,

which we all have, okay? Never gonna find anyone that's a sit. This isn't it, Bentley. This could be the beginning because now you're saying, I don't wanna repeat my past. I do wanna be with a good lover. I do wanna be with someone as I back

and who feels safe and who wants the same things I want. And things like that don't just happen. We don't just stumble upon those people and that's to be clear out the things that's holding us back. Your roadblocks to pleasure. Like it could be messaging.

Yeah, well that's good. I don't know. Yeah, Bentley, that's what you need. That is it. I mean, I'm telling you, I don't, because I don't want you to go another day thinking I won't find anyone,

because you will. I mean, everyone who really wants to, and they tell me they've done the work, they worked on themselves, they find somebody. But this, if 40 is the time to figure out what those patterns are that you don't wanna repeat. So that will help you. Yeah, Bentley, and then it'll get you on a track

where you're knowing that it's gonna happen rather than the defeating thoughts. That's what happens. knowing that it's going to happen rather than the defeating thoughts. Yeah, I mean, it could be a factor that I think I do suffer from like body dysmorphia. And I am, you know, I'm not on bit, but you know, my BMI is a little too high. But you know, by most regards, like I'm pretty average looking and, you know, whatever. But I do suffer from, you know, body dysmorphia where I never feel like I'm good enough. And that may have something to do. Yes, Bentley, that's it. I mean, the fact that you could even articulate that because you can work on that as well.

First off, you can work on your relationship to your body, where that came from. Did someone shame you? Was it just a thing of control growing up when you felt like you weren't enough? Like there was probably a time in your childhood where you didn't feel that you were enough. And so now in all your relationships, you feel that. And so you're going to pick people who will treat you that way, maybe. And so even though we can actually talk about it, it will help you so much to unpack it on a deeper level Because then you really won't be able to repeat it

It just won't even be attractive to you anymore Because part of body it's more free too is like I don't mean there's a lot here to unpack I don't even want to get into it But you'll find someone who won't be looking at your body won't be like what's your body mass index unless you want that You know what I'm saying like I think that especially in our 40s You get to pick people that are going to want you as the man that you are now in all your glory and all the things. I thought that I had that with my last partner and I told them reluctantly I told them that I had some of these issues and within the very next day or two, they would like, if I was just eating lunch,

they would give me this look like, you know, eyes, feet, feet, you know, just the suggestion. And it's very like emotionally abusive and I found it very disturbing that you could feel your heart to someone and put yourself in a vulnerable place and they would try to use that against you And so it does make me feel you know as though I don't really know whether I can trust you know the gay community at large is very Yeah, can I say that? Yes totally no You see at the ones that you hang out with they are I go at your saying but not in every you could find your people that are I know a lot of wonderful gay men who are not that you hang out with, they are. I go what you're saying, but not in every, you could find your people that are.

I know a lot of wonderful gay men who are not that, but I know what you're saying, that's the stereotype or that's, you know, I live in LA or when things everyone here are superficial and whatever, you find your people worthy, you go. Yeah, but then I'm like, well, those aren't my people, but Bentley, the fact that I'm like the second, right away, you've revealed something,

so here's what it is, Bentley, you revealed something so vulnerable to him that you would body dysmorphia. And the next away, you revealed something. So here's what it is, Bentley. You revealed something so vulnerable to him that you would body dysmorphia. And the next day you're eating lunch, maybe you had some extra french fries and he gives you a look. Just all that look, that is so damaging. Like, so now what I hope is if anyone ever did,

and you probably were like, oh yeah, he's right, I shouldn't do that. But you want someone who's like, you eat that up, you have that extra fry. Have your rest of your sandwich. Like keep going. You want someone who's just going to celebrate you and take that information and hold it dear and work with you on it. They want to make you a better person. They don't want to, like that's what a toxic relationship is.

They take your stories, you tell them, your vulnerabilities, your, your perceived witnesses and then they use it against you. They put a knife in your back with it. And that is just so, and then you're, yeah. So, I don't want that for you. Bentley, that's not how every man is. You will not, there are so many people out there for you, but I want you to believe that, and know that you deserve that.

And I think if you get into therapy and unpack this stuff, it'll help you get on the right track, and you'll know it too. Because you got to know it. You can't hear me go, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I know it for you. But there's just a little bit of work you got to do. Thank you, Emily. I love your show. You're really really.

Oh, thanks Bentley. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and

articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship to call my hotline 559 Talk Sex, that's 559 825 5739, go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.