Sex With Emily - Performance Anxiety & Performative Sex

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

We all experience performance anxiety in bed from time to time. We get in our heads, we worry we’re not hot / good / skilled enough, and sometimes we try to be people we’re not during sex. That’s why today’s episode is about identifying different types of performance anxiety, so that we can show up more confident and relaxed for sex. First I talk through O-blockers: common reasons your orgasm and overall pleasure hit a limit. Next I bring up popular “personas” people adopt in bed, like the cool girl/guy who’s down for whatever (even when you’re actually not) and the super dominant, in-charge lover (even when you’re actually more submissive). Finally, I give you strategies to increase your sexual confidence and take all of your sexual anxiety questions.See the full show notes at sexwithemily.comShow Notes:Prostate Play: The Comprehensive Guide5 Libido-Boosting Aphrodisiacs to Try In and Out of the BedroomVIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free Gummies Sample)SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tell me if this sounds familiar. New partner says to you, I'm super kinky. What are you into? And you have no idea how to answer. Well, this is probably because your brain instinctively wants to say, whatever they're into. It's so much easier to just go with the flow or adopt the freaky persona, but I'm telling you that if it's not coming from a place of total honesty, like, you don't really want to do the thing they're into,

that might be setting you up for anxiety-ridden sex. And it's okay to say, you know what? I'm still figuring out what I'm into. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, we're talking about something many of us struggle with, and that's anxiety in the bedroom.

Specifically, we're talking about the different pressures we might feel to act or perform in certain ways during sex that don't necessarily give us the most pleasure. Tune in to find out ways you might be limiting your pleasure potential so that you can be more authentic and more present in the bedroom. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new articles,

prostate play, the comprehensive guide, and five libido boosting afford easy acts to try in and out of the bedroom. Are up on sexwithemily.com. Art everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Let's talk about performance anxiety and how it affects everyone, not just penis owners

during sex. So when I say the phrase performance anxiety, you might be thinking it has something to do with eruptions. How long you stay hard, can you get a wrecked, will you lose your erection, and so on and so forth. But today, I want to open up the concept of performance anxiety because let's be honest. I think a lot of us feel pressured to perform in bed or rather to be performative in bed. For example, this is all about getting in your head and you're thinking about looking hot during sex rather than tuning into what you're actually feeling.

Or maybe you're getting so distracted by what you think you should be doing sex, should I talk dirty, should I bust out something really kinky? That you lose touch with your authentic desire and worry more about putting on a show. Now if you read my book Smart Sex or if you haven't gotten a copy yet, I actually open up the book, talking about how I was basically only having performative sex until I was 35 years old. I was faking orgasms, I was moaning and arching my back, just like how I thought my partners wanted it. And in fact, I thought that successful sex was when my partner was pleased. Didn't have anything to do with my pleasure. And that's when I'm talking about being more

performative and bad. So in this episode, you're going to hear me discuss three things. Number one, common orgasm blockers or O blockers, as I call them, to the personas, many of us feel we need to adopt for sex, and three, how to tune into your authentic desires during sex and cultivate presence that'll serve you your orgasm and all of your sexual connections. So let's go. Common O blockers.

Let me just normalize this. People get distracted during sex. It happens, and it's gonna continue to happen. I'm not saying it's never gonna happen after this show, Let me just normalize this. People get distracted during sex. It happens, and it's going to continue to happen. I'm not saying it's never going to happen after this show, but awareness is the first step. So maybe you're worried about the way your body looks. Maybe you're self-conscious about your genitals. Maybe you're bored, and you've started to disassociate during sex, which is super common

in long-term relationships. Maybe you're fantasizing about an ex, or fantasizing about it so when you met that day, or thinking about work, anything else but being present with your partner. That's what's on your mind. Or maybe you're dealing with one of the three pleasure thieves I discussed in Smart Sex, Stress, Trauma, or Shame.

All of these feed performance anxiety, because think about it. When you are anxious, you're not in the present moment. Anxiety and presence can't exist together. So going back to the pleasure of these, stress is almost a default state in this culture, whether you're stressed about money, your job, your family, your relationship with the person,

you're actually having sex with them in the moment, and we're feeling it. It's happening, stress, anxiety, but what happens is stress pumps out adrenaline and cortisol on the daily, leaving us tired and exhausted, which is pretty much the opposite of sexy. So when we're in stress, it's really how to welcome in arousal and eroticism. The next thief, trauma, can come from anywhere.

But in a sexual context, it might rear its head in some surprising ways. Like let's take little tea trauma as an example. Say that somebody said something unkind about your genitals once. Like they smelled, or they didn't like the way it looked down there. Or maybe you just heard that, you know, genitals are dirty and no one should ever be down there. Well, the next time you're connecting with a new partner and they start to go down on you, that little tea trauma comes back. You're suddenly clenched up and scared thinking they won't like what they'll see down there. And so you stop the process altogether and you don't even allow yourself to receive pleasure.

And finally, shame. Let's face it in this culture, shame and sex, basically go ahead and hand. Even talking about sex openly makes people feel ashamed sometimes. Shame for wanting more sex, better sex. You know, ashamed when our partner asks us for something, or maybe we ask for something from our partner and they shame us back. And I can't tell you how many people have spoken with who feel guilty and selfish and ashamed for simply desiring great sex.

This is problematic. If you really start to pay attention to shame, you'll see it everywhere. Alright, so these are some common old blockers that feed into performance anxiety, but after the break, I'm talking about the pressure to act like someone you're not in bed, and the different personas we put on in the bedroom. But first, I want to give you one of my favorite hacks to combat performance anxiety, a little love and THC, and CBD. Specifically, I've been loving the Ahem companies

high love THC libido gummies. It helps calm my nerves, whenever I have them, anxiety, whatever's going on in my life, it awakens my senses, increases blood flow, and truly makes me even more ready for sex. I know you might be thinking that I'm just always ready for sex,

but I am not, I'm human. But I take some of these gummies, my thoughts melt away, and I feel more embodied and present. I gotta be honest, just being a little high during sex, get your head into your body. Plus, I'm more tuned in to how my partner's skin feels on mine. I'm focusing more on how I'm feeling,

not how I'm looking. So if you struggle to stay in the moment during sex, cannabis might be just the trick for you. These high love THC libido gummies combine THC with AfroDGEC herbs to promote libido, blood flow, and pleasure. I've been loving them, my team's been loving them, my friends have been loving them, I give months everybody. And now I want you to love them too.

So spice up your love life with VIAHEM companies high love THC libido gummies. Visit VIAHEMP.com and use code Emily to get 15% off your order. They'll also throw in a free sample of their award-ido gummies. Visit vahem.com and use code Emily to get 15% off your order. They'll also throw in a free sample of their award-winning gummies. That's viiay, h-e-m-p.com, or click the link in our show notes and use code Emily at checkout to save 15%. All right, everyone, we'll be right back. Okay, let's shift gears a bit and talk about the pressure to act like someone you're not

in bed. Well, I've come to realize that a lot of the reason why so many people experience performance anxiety is because they think sex is about putting on a show. And I get it. That's why you asked me for tips and advice and positions and all these things. And maybe in porn, we feel like we have to act like everything that we see in porn. In a perfect world, sex is a safe space where both partners could explore and express their desires freely. And that's the world that I'm urging you. I'm gently

guiding you all towards. But I get it. We're not all there. The world isn't there yet. The world is not perfect. Whether it's trying to look hot in every position, even the awkward ones, or, you know, maybe even practicing the perfect porn star, Mone, you know, a lot of us want to give our partners the peak sexual performance and we take our cues from porn. I'm not recommending that. I'm here to tell you that sex should be way more than a show. So instead of being caught up in how you might be perceived, you can focus on your pleasure and your partners. So here are some common pressures I hear from all of you. Number one, maybe you want to come across

as the girl who's down for whatever, right? Ain't on a moment's notice? No problem. You know, you're the cool girl. You're down, you've got no issues, but I challenge everyone to remember that you should be having sex with people who recognize and Listen to all of your sexual boundaries and I want you to hear this because I know that this still is a problem for everyone

But I hear it from a lot of young people. Maybe who haven't had as much experience out in the world and they just think well People won't like me if I don't say yes to their requests. I have to do everything in bed. So I really want to explain to you how important it is. It's important for you to be people who listen to you and respect your boundaries, your requests. You shouldn't be afraid or uncomfortable turning down something you're not ready for or you're not into. I'm going to be honest. I used to think it wasn't okay to say no to sex once it started meaning. If we started moving along my partner like wanted to move a little bit quicker,

take my clothes off or wanted to just do anything that I really wasn't ready for yet, I kind of thought, well, it's not fair to them. It'll feel good for me in a few minutes maybe and I just didn't stop sex once it was going. Well, I can't tell you that is just such bullshit. You do not have to worry about your partner. I thought they'd get blue balls, like none of that's real. You shouldn't be afraid or uncomfortable, turning down something you're not ready or not into. The right partners, trust me. They're gonna thank you for being honest.

I promise you they will. And also, what a great way to figure out what partners are right for you and what partners don't, because I can tell you if you say no notice something and you feel even a little bit shamed or you feel pressure, get the hell out of there. Okay? Because when you find a partner who appreciates your honesty and wants to collaborate with you sexually, then you can do something you're both into leading to a much more sexually

satisfying time. That's what we're all about here, okay? Collaboration, which is my third pillar of sexual intelligence. Check out my book, Smart Sex. A lot of you are loving it and I love hearing from you. Number two, listen, I know for penis owners, there's also that additional pressure to always initiate and dominate and be hard and be ready to go and know what you're doing. But I'm here to tell you that if that stereotype doesn't work for you, throw it out the window. You don't have to put that pressure on yourself.

It's so fun first to play with different DOM and sub-rolls and try something new. But also, it's okay to ask your partner what they're into. It's okay to pay attention and say like, what do you like? What do you want? It's okay if you're not hard every time. It's okay if you want to be the little spoon.

Okay? It's all okay. And then the every time. It's okay if you want to be the little spoon. Okay, it's all okay. And then the third pressure I hear from all of you, for those of you who dabble in kink and BDSM or sleep with those who do, tell me if this sounds familiar. New partner says to you, I'm super kinky. What are you into? And you have no idea how to answer.

Well, this is probably because your brain instinctively wants to say whatever they're into. It's so much easier to just go with the flow or adopt a freaky persona, but I'm telling you that if it's not coming from a place of total honesty, like you don't really want to do the thing they're into, that might be setting you up for anxiety, written sex. And it's okay to say, you know what? I'm still figuring out what I'm into. What are you into? It's okay to ask questions. It's okay to find out more about them. You don't have to be a

please here. You can say, tell me more about what you're into. I'm still figuring myself out. And let me just reiterate here, there is nothing sexier, hotter, more authentic, or more real than somebody who states to their partner. I'm still figuring it out too. I actually don't know. That's what we want to hear. We want the real deal, not you faking it and saying, oh, whatever you want feels good. I'm barely adamant about this because I did that for years. I parted and she said, what do you want to do

and like, whatever you're going to do because I literally didn't know what else there was. I didn't know what to ask for. I didn't know what they wanted. I was a pleaser and I do not want you to be like me. Please, don't do what I did, okay? Okay, number four, for how my perfectionist's out there, how you doing?

I know there's also that additional, often personal pressure of having to blow your partner's mind every time, like I'm gonna give them the best, or I'm gonna be really sexy, I'm gonna do all the things. And while that's fulfilling when you do, feels wonderful, it's also devastating when sex is over.

And maybe your partner doesn't tell you, it's the best sex they ever had. Like that's what you're basing it on. Like that's one reason not to drive be a perfectionist in bed. Besides the fact the perfection doesn't even really exist. But if you're waiting for that, that's not gonna work.

I'm gonna tell you that sex isn't always a home run. And every time you have sex, won't be your partner's best time ever. And that's not gonna work. I'm gonna tell you that sex isn't always a home run and every time you have sex, won't be your partner's best time ever and that's completely okay. So if you are a perfectionist, when it comes to sex for whatever reason, just know there's gonna be awkward pauses, it's gonna be messy, things are gonna happen.

And please don't set this up as like, I'm gonna try to do all these things to get some accolades for my partner because that's just also setting you up for failure. Let me just give you a little bit more hair so you can understand what I mean. I mean, first of all, I understand why a lot of especially both of our owners have this pressure.

I mean, if you grew up with magazines, going to grocery store or buying magazines or really right now anything you look at headlines if you go to Cosmo, it's like, give them the best blowjob ever, rock their world. Be this person in bed, do this move and they'll never leave you. They're gonna fall in love with you after these three things. I mean, that's just inherently ties back to placing your partner's pressure above your own.

And you know how I feel about that. This fear has been said in many ways. Like, maybe you're not the only person that your partner's sleeping with and you're like, I'm gonna be the best one. I'm gonna do all these things to blow their mind and be the best, I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win, I'm gonna get the rose, you know? But I honestly have to say that this is just also,

it's not so binary, it's about connection. So it's not really about a move you did or anything. It's about the connection to your partner, and that's presence. That's being, you know, connected and expressing your true desires. I mean, I think the best lovers are the ones who know what they want in bed and know how to pay attention to their partners and have a great communication around sex. That's how you're going to blow their mind.

Now, let's talk about the performative challenges that come with casual sex specifically. And that these encounters by definition are meant to be fun and carefree and loose, and we're all just getting our needs met. But they can easily become a source of stress. Especially if the sex and relationship with this partner is a bit performative. Also with casual sex there's a lot of pressure to be like the cool girl or be the guy with all the moves. You know, many people feel like they have to act a luf showing little to no emotion or vulnerability. And we do this just to maintain control of the situation and our feelings. We try to act cool and like, we don't care.

But we have feelings, okay? Pretending not to care can prevent genuine connections from forming. Do you realize that? You're not doing anyone else a favor by playing it cool. It's great to have something with a partner and still acknowledge that it's casual. And nothing that is serious is expected from either party. playing it cool. It's great to have something with a partner and still acknowledge that it's casual. And nothing that is serious is expected from either party.

In fact, like if you have a genuine connection, you won't have to play cool because you'll be discussing that like, this is casual, but let's make sure it's great for both of us. Like, that's what great casual sex is. You actually acknowledge we're going to meet each other's needs, but we're not going to be committed. You're not going to come home and meet my family. But we are both committed to having great sex together. The problem with the cool girl persona, it creates this environment where you emotions

are suppressed, and unfortunately that can impact your sexual performance. So when we're trying to be cool, that can also put pressure to perform and meet certain expectations completely forgetting that sex is not a performance we're going to be judged. It's supposed to be collaborative and enjoyable, and truly if you are holding back during sex, I mean, you're having this like intense experience, and if you're truly in your body and you're feeling something, and then you're in your head thinking, don't be too cool, don't show too much, don't make too much noise, how real and pleasurable is that, and why even

have the casual sex if it's a lot of performance. So here's my solution. Let's just break down the barriers. First, have on his conversations about the challenges and expectations surrounding your casual hookups. Be real about it. It's casual for both of you. So just navigate these situationships with confidence and authenticity. Ignore your emotions, communicate your needs, even the needs that you aren't really clear yet. You can say, help me figure this out,

we're figuring this out together. I think I might run this, what do you want? And then prioritize genuine connections even in casual relationships. Listen, you can still be genuine and you can still be a good person and care about someone deeply even in a casual relationship.

Treat them with respect, treat them well, and get what you need in bed. Even if it doesn't look like a conventional, sexual, or romantic relationship, that's okay too. Alright, now you get it. Those are the O blockers, as well as some of the roles you might feel pressured to play in bed. And hopefully you're nodding along in recognition. Let me know what you think. Is this resonating with you? I love hearing from you, and I want to hear what you think about the show, so please get in touch with me. So let's move into some solutions.

Here are some of my top tips for alleviating performance anxiety, so you can relax into sex. We want to be relaxed and feel good, and then you can connect deeply with the person next to you. So here, how you can be yourself in bed. In smart sex, one of my sex IQ pillars is self acceptance. And that's where I'm going to focus on here. In my opinion, there are three ways to alleviate most flavors of performance anxiety. Here they are. Number one, listening to sex positive voices. By the way, you're doing that right now. And I highly recommend you listen to this

podcast with a partner because I hear from couples all the time who love listening together because it helps you hear the voices together and stimulate sex positive conversations. Next, communicate with your partner during sex rather than acting for them. I want you all to have healthy communication with your partners. You talk to them about your needs, your wants, your desires. You couldn't even let them know. You know what? I want to go deeper into our relationship. I want to learn more about my sexuality. Are you down? Are you somebody who has a growth mindset about sex? Would you be willing to breathe together to slow things down, to pay attention to what we both need.

It's so much healthier to honestly communicate about your needs. This is how you're gonna have your sex be less performative and more focused because you're going to have told your partner, perhaps, that, hey, I used to be really anxious. I used to be more performative, but I wanna work with you, I'm not being that way.

Like, once you call yourself out, you can no longer act that way with a partner because they're going to be following along with you being like, yeah, I don't want you to be that way either. And maybe you're thinking, oh, that's horrifying. I can never tell them that. I'm not saying you got to tell everything like I was being cool and I was faking it, but you could just say, I really like this relationship. I'm learning a lot from listening to this amazing podcast, Sex with Emily.

And I've learned that sometimes I'm in my head during sex. Do you want to do some exercises with me where we can maybe breathe together at the beginning of sex? We can do some eye contact. We can learn together how to be more connected. I think that that's really, really important to find partners who are on the same page with you because maybe they were acting as well. Oh, but if you call yourself out for being more performative, they're going to find ways to be more real and authentic as well.

And finally, another pillar actually self-knowledge and that's understanding and actualizing what makes you feel sexy and desirable. Do you know yourself? Do you know what makes you feel sexy? Do you know your desires, your fantasies, the positions that feel better than others? You probably know more than you think, but a lot of times we don't even pay attention when we're having sex. So by being more connected and being more present during sex, you'll really be able to tap into the sensations and the energy that you're sharing with a partner. And that's also the first pillar being more embodied, staying more connected during sex, paying attention to the senses and the environment and doing all the practices that allow you to be more present, more embodied.

And let's kick all that performative sex to the curb. You got this. Alright, we're going to take another quick break before answering some of your questions about performance anxiety and performative sex to the curb, you got this. All right, we're gonna take another quick break before answering some of your questions about performance anxiety and performative sex. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ This is from Sylvia. She's 30 in London.

Hey Dr. Amali, I love the show. I've been single for most of my 20s, dating tons of men over the years. I'm very content on my own and all the dating I've done has given me such a great idea of what I do and don't want from a relationship. Probably is that with the guys it seems to be going well with, as soon as we have sex, everything changes.

They give out the oppression that I'm amazing and then as soon as we have sex, everything changes. They give out the oppression that I'm amazing and then as soon as we have sex, it's different. This has happened multiple times now and you can't help but notice a pattern. This in turn is like a huge toll on my sexual confidence. Thinking that it's something I'm doing wrong and I now put so much pressure on myself going into sleeping with a new partner, it just doesn't end well. I'm really not sure what more to do and I don't feel like there's anyone I can speak to about this.

I've listened to podcasts, read books, and tried to improve my confidence and knowledge of this way, but it's happened again recently. No one has ever said anything to be a bad up, but I can't help but notice this pattern of everything changing and self-sabotaging over it. Why does this keep happening? I try so hard to please embed, and now I'm at a point where it's a constant isn't my body, is it the way I look during sex, isn't my vagina. I'm just completely negatively overthinking the situation. I tried casual sex and I just don't enjoy it without a connection, but perhaps I'm going to invest in this again. Any advice would be really appreciated at the moment.

I just feel like I can't take another hit to my confidence. Thank you so much. All right, thank you so much for your question, Sylvia. I'm sure this is a really challenging time for you, feeling all of the feelings and feeling that it's your fault and you're sabotaging it, it's something that you're doing. And I get that. There's a few things I want to point out about what you said.

You said you can't help but notice this pattern of everything changing and self-sabotaging over and when I'm thinking about it, do you notice any patterns in the type of people you're dating, the guys you're dating? Is there a similarity to how these situations go down? You know, you said that they make you feel like you're all wonderful until you have sex and then they disappear. Well, is that not the connection? You may know a lot of people will say anything to get you in bed. You're wonderful, you're fabulous, you're beautiful, I bet you're great, and then they get you in bed and then they disappear.

Now, I gotta be honest with you, I personally haven't dated a guy who's like, you're a fabulous, you're wonderful, what that's not true. I'm sure years ago I have, I love words of affirmation. But if someone's complimenting you too soon and too early on, we've turned for that now, it's called love bombing. So I'm wondering if it's seductive for you when a man makes you feel very desired and wanted. This is just an idea.

Gonna throw a few of them out there because we're not actually speaking, but maybe that's just something to look at. Look at the patterns of people you're dating and what's happening leading up to these familiar situations that happen to you, okay? So I would try to do something different now, because that's how we change, right? We've changed patterns, we've got to do something different.

Make a commitment to yourself that you're going to establish an authentic connection with a person. You're going to go on a few dates before you have sex. You're going to find out the relationship history. You're going to pay attention to other signs. Are there other things they're doing that would give you pause or make you feel like maybe this person isn't that safe to be with? Are they criticizing people? Do they have a negative, you know, take on life? Are they kind to the wait staff or are they yelling for the next cocktail? I mean, we can tell a lot about people when we spend time with them So I just want to make sure that you're dating kind people who you truly connect with, you know

Also, it sounds like you're really loving that they're feeling good about you But I want to remind you that you also want to feel good with them you truly connect with. You know, also, it sounds like you're really loving that they're feeling good about you, but I wanna remind you that you also wanna feel good with them. How do they make you feel? Because a lot of us get caught up in this well, I wanna make sure this person likes me, so I'm gonna show up on the date,

and I'm gonna be the best version of myself, but I'm gonna say all the right things, and do all the right things, which is another kind of performance we all do, but really, we're trying to impress them on that we don't even know. Like, do you like them? Like, what are they doing to impress you?

So I think the more we can say, I'm just gonna show up as myself, I'm gonna be real, and I'm gonna see if they like me, do I like them, and that's how we establish a more authentic connection. And then finally, I recommend therapy to everybody. I don't think I've done it yet today, so I'm gonna recommend it to you.

Have you at therapy? Have you looked at any of these challenges that you're having? Is there anything going on? Beyond the bedroom, have you found these patterns and it happened elsewhere where you're doubting yourself or your confidence? These are all great things to work on

with a trusted therapist. Thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you, Sylvia. This is from Flynn, 56th and Pennsylvania. Hi Dr. Emily, I've you, Sylvia. This is from Flynn 56 in Pennsylvania. Hi Dr. Amley, I've lived with performance anxiety for most of my life, but it was manageable. During an extremely stressful period last summer, I had a couple of erection losses that had now put me into deep performance anxiety. My partner, my wife, takes as a symbol that I find her unattractive, making it difficult to break this cycle. I'm looking for suggestions and guidance as I need to meet her where she is and not expect her to help me out of this.

She stresses it's my issue that put her there. Trying to be respectful. I have been using meditation and have noticed apps to help me overcome. It's getting better but not at the pace I wish. Please help. Alright Flynn, thanks for your question and first I want to say you pretty good point here that I don't think I made it in this episode. And let me say this, remind you all that because your partner is having a performance anxiety challenge, whether it's an erection or can have an orgasm, typically it is not because of you.

It is not the partner's fault. They don't find you not attractive. It's not because of a move you did. When we're having challenges in the bedroom with our erections or orgasms, most of the time it does not have to do with us. And so your wife taking it as a symbol that you find her unattractive is very common, but it is not true and not helpful for you.

I get it. And now you're in a cycle of feeling like it's already hard that you are having erection loss, but then having your wife make you feel worse about it is not helpful. And meditation is great for anxiety and hypnosis. I don't know about that for performance anxiety, but people are loving hypnosis these days. But I want to point a few things out. You're 56 years old, and this is typically in their 40s, and as they get older, many men experience erection challenges when they did not before. And this is due to the changing hormones. And as they get older, many men experience erection challenges when they did not before.

And this is due to the changing hormones. It could be a loss of testosterone. It could be something with your diet. It could be a medication you're taking. If you're taking blood thinners and SSRI anti-depressant, how's your diet, your exercise, are you moving your body? There's so many things that contribute to having an erection or not having an erection. So I would try to get to the root of it. You know, I'm not asking you to stop meditating or any of that. I would really take a look at it and meet with a hormone specialist or a doctor who really understands men's hormones and men's health like a urologist and get tested and figure out what's actually going on. Now as far as your wife and confidence, I mean, you guys have been together. I'm gonna assume you've been together a long time. I don't know, but she hopefully can just understand and maybe you could play this with her. Hi wife, and I'm letting you know that, you know, erections come, they

go, sometimes they go more often when we're older, and I just want you to have grace here with him. Now, here's the other thing. Just because you lose your erection, let me remind you, there's so many other ways to play. A lot of times I found that when men lose their erections, if they turn their attention towards pleasing their partners, like going down on her, getting a toy, you know, doing something else when they take the pressure off their erection can come back. So just because you lose your erection doesn't mean it's gone for the entire evening, you know, just might mean that we got to focus on some other things. And also mutual masturbation could be a great tip for you guys, you know, I love when couples kind of please themselves

because it's really hot to know we're going to have an orgasm but to also see what our partner does. Also, it could be fun to play with some prostate play. A lot of men who have problems with erections find that they can have incredible pleasure with their prostate, which is through their anus about two inches inside. We talk about that a lot. So there's different ways to play,

but I would bring your wife into this. Now, when you said you don't expect her to help you out of this, I'm gonna take a different approach here. You're the one who has to go to the doctor and track what you learn and all the information, but I think it's important to bring our partners into what's going on and let her know that, again,

it's really not her and you can let her know how it makes you feel when she feels that it's her fault. Like have a real conversation about it and say you're going to do all these things to really work on it, but you want to bring her into it, not to help you, per se, she's up to give you solutions. But I think if you're going through a whole process now of trying to figure out your actions and your sexual health at 58, that it's important for your wife to also know

what you're going through. So you don't have to go alone and maybe have knowing that she's on board and she's enthusiastic and compassionate and supportive might just help you find those erections a lot sooner. Thank you so much for your question Flynn. Let me know how it goes. This is from Lauren and she's 28. Hey Dr. Emily, my boyfriend and I have been together for one year.

Recently I've been having a hard time enjoying sex because I have a hard time getting out of my head. I have a lot of anxiety in general and recently I've been having anxiety about our sex life, which makes it even harder to get out of my head during sex and enjoy it. My anxiety comes from things I know we need to work on, like closing the orgasm gap, experimentation and communication. Specifically he finishes quickly, while it takes me a long time even when using toys. I feel all this pressure, not from him but from myself and from what society

has taught me to perform and to finish. I also think we have different sexual styles. He's more aggressive and I'm more sensual. I have a hard time not perceiving these differences as problems, or that there's something wrong with me or us as a couple. I think my anxiety breeds a negative headspace that creates this narrative. We have conversations about our sex life and he's very supportive and always wants to help me feel my best. However, I feel stuck mentally in my anxiety around sex and because of this, it's been hard for me to identify and take action steps towards increasing my pleasure. How can I ease my anxiety around sex and work through this mental block? Thank you.

All right, Lauren, it sounds like you really are doing a lot of great introspection and you've really been looking at your sex life with your partner. First, I want to say I love that you have a partner that's open to talking about sex with you and now it sounds like it's time to go a little bit deeper. Have you shared with him about what's going on your head? Have you discussed closing the orgasm gap together? Have you told him that you think it's taking you too long? And have you talked about the fact

that he's getting there too fast? Is it possible for you to come first? How can you both get your needs met? These are just some things I'm thinking about because I'm sure that he'd like to last longer and you'd like to get there quicker, but you get and you don't have to be the detective or the one figuring this all out on your own.

Especially for a worth of trusting partner and we have these conversations with compassion and curiosity and not with judgment and fear, but when we lead with, let's figure this out together. Why do we problem solve? Why do we listen to sex with the Emily?

Why do we read Sparts sex? You know, why don't we just like figure out together like if he's getting there too quick again Maybe going down on you or him taking time like not going right into penetration Maybe you guys could do some edging where you you know, you bring him up to or I close to orgasm and then you bring it back down for you Maybe you know oral sex or there's different positions that work, or maybe using the toy with him. I know you're saying it's harder right now. Maybe you need a new toy. Maybe you need to feel that he finds it really hot when you're using the toy.

So a lot of this anxiety is real and I get it. But if you can kind of put words behind it and express it to him, you're going to watch your anxiety fall. You really are. Sounds like you're with a really loving partner who's open to collaboration, who's open to making this sex life great. I mean, yes, as you said, these are challenges. And you're calling them problems, I think they're challenges, but most relationships have challenges. And most people have challenges in the bedroom and just don't know how to solve them and talk about them. So I would say, don't throw in the towel yet. Continue to have conversations about everything here. You know, when you're outside the bedroom,

when you guys are feeling relaxed and talking, and kind of chip away at this and work on your relationship together, so you can both get your needs met and continue to have the sex life that you both deserve. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for your questions. I love hearing from you. Please continue to email and leave your voice mails.

I love hearing from you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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