Sex With Emily - Personally & Sexually Compatible with Vanessa Marin

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by licensed therapist Vanessa Marin to talk about the different sex personality types and how you can use them to your advantage! They discuss what the most popular sex personality types are and what to do when you and your partner don’t match up, how body image affects men, women, and anyone in between – with some tools to gain confidence, and ways COVID-19 has been affecting relationships. Plus, how couples who lack compatibility can actually grow to be more compatible! Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Vanessa Marin, visit https://vmtherapy.com/For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Chemistry is something that we have to create with our partners. I think that it's definitely premature to say, oh, yeah, we slept together once and it was terrible. There's no way we could be a good fit. Chemistry is something that we create and we should normalize that. At the same time, I do think there has to be enough potential there. So if you're intimate with somebody and you're, you know, like wildly turned off, something just doesn't feel right in your gut, then yeah, it might be difficult to create that spark.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm joined by licensed therapist Vanessa Morand to talk about the different sex personality types and how you can use them to your advantage. Topics include what the most popular sex personality types are and how you can use them to your advantage. Topics include what the most popular sex personality types are and how you can use them to your advantage. How body image affects men and women and anyone in between with some tools to gain confidence. Ways COVID-19 has been affecting relationships and ways couples who lack compatibility can actually grow to be more compatible. All this and more, thanks for listening. as hard broke anything she kind of cues. The girls gotta ever stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common only?

What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm off here. I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com and you can find us on social media, sex with Emily across the board. And on our website, you guys, we do a ton of blogs and posts every day. We're updating it to give you more information that you need always. Maybe even check it out yet.

I know we all have a little bit more time. So check those out and thank you everyone for supporting the show and intentions with Emily. So what I've been doing is setting an attention for a show. It helps me when I record it. Like why am I recording this for you guys? What do you need to know?

And I invite you to set an intention as well. So you'll think about it. What do I want to get out of this episode? It could be, I feel like my partner and I have different views on sex. How can we connect better? Or could be, I don't have a partner, but I'd love to see what my sex personality type means for me, my intention for the show, to give you some tools to navigate. You know, what if you have different views on sex?

How do you become more compatible? This is a huge issue you all have. Like, what do we do for a lot on the same page? Well, this show is going to help you. Enjoy the show. All right. I'm excited to welcome Vanessa Marin. She's a sex therapist, a coach, and a writer.

And she's here to help you stop feeling embarrassed. Have more fun in the bedroom. She started a human sexuality at Brown University. She's been featured everywhere in New York Times, CNN, O, the Oprah Magazine, and real simple. She works with clients which I love you guys. Listen, I believe we all need therapy and she can see you video chat wherever you live.

She's got online courses, she gets email consultations, she's super talented. I'm so happy to meet her. She's gonna help you find your sexual spark. Welcome to the show Vanessa Marin. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to get to chat with you today. I know me too.

We were saying like our pals have crossed like we've been quoted in articles and there's not that many of us. So I'm really happy that you're here. So I'm going to ask you the question that everyone asks me. Because I don't want to give you another sex therapist. So this is amazing. What got you interested in this field? So my interest in this field that really traces back to my parents trying to have the talk with me. So I have such a crystal clear memory of it. I was about 12 years old that we're in our

minivan driving home from grandma's house. My parents are in the front seat. They look at me in the rear view mirror, and my mom says, you know, if you have any questions about, you know, sex, you can ask us. But what they were actually saying was, please for the love of God, do not ask us any questions

right now we don't want to talk about this. And I just remember at that age, I was starting to hear a lot of stuff on the playground. I was very curious and wanting to know. And I remember thinking it was so weird that my parents couldn't talk to me about sex. So I had no idea that this could be a career path at that age, but that memory really stuck with me.

Why did this have to be so hard? So embarrassing, so strange to talk about this. I do want to talk about it. I do want to ask questions. I am curious. And so really that's kind of what my whole career has come back down to is trying to have those conversations in a more open way. Okay, so, and don't get so interesting because what I found is I, that, you know, yeah, most

parents don't know how to do it, that I had a very similar conversation, but it took me years till I, like, remembered it when I started doing this. I was like, oh, yeah, my mom said to me once, if you have any questions, ask, but I think the problem is kids don't know the questions. We barely know. I don't know. But have you found that it's changed right now that parents are more open to talking to their kids about it? I think we're slowly getting better at it. But I still think most people really struggle with how to talk about it, what

to say, you know, I think people are more conscious now. I want to do a better job than my parents did with me, but I think we are still lacking the resources and the education to know how to do it. Well, this is the problem. They're lacking the resources. I think that yeah, there's a knowledge now that, oh, I probably didn't do that right or my parents didn't do it right.

Where do we start? Which is probably where a lot of your clients, do you call them clients or patients? I call them clients or patients? I call them clients. Yeah, I thought that's the way to go. These days, easy patients, but I feel like, and probably a lot of the clients you see, I would think, and you see individuals and couples?

Yeah, yeah. I probably go back to, you know, a lot of it goes back to lack of sex education or misinformation. Yeah, I mean, none of us get a great sex education. Really kind of thrown into the deep end with no resources, no education. And so a lot of a struggle. And I think that's another big part of my job is just trying to normalize to people. It's okay to have struggles with your sex life because when did you ever learn how to do this? When did you ever get great resources? Exactly. I mean, exactly in the giving them permission that it's okay, which I'm sure you are

doing that all the time and hearing a lot of the same Vanessa Morin created 11 distinct sex personality types. And it was featured in an article somewhere. I was like, oh my god, that's fascinating because I've always thought like, I wish there was something like the love languages, but for sex, and this is such a great idea that you you developed 11, which I think can help people kind of navigate like a place to start if they're not sure. Is that what was your motivation for this? How to come about. Yeah, so I've been kicking around this idea for a long time, and I originally got the idea from this session that I was having with a couple. This happened to be a man and a wife married couple and the man had a naturally pyrrsecs drive than his wife and was complaining about, you know, I want to be intimate more often.

So this was kind of just a classic session that we were having a really common challenge. And the wife would often agree to have sex with him. And so she was saying, you know, you get what you want. I say yes to you 99% of the time. What are you complaining about? And he in the session was saying, that's not what I want. And they were really struggling to understand, you know, what was going on here. And I started thinking, yeah, you know,

we're not just talking about sexual frequency here. I think that's what we get so fixated on with our sex lives, especially if it feels like we have mismatched sex drives, which by the way, every single couple does. Every single... Yeah, we really focus on the frequency aspect of it. And I started thinking, we're not talking about that.

What else are we talking about? And so I started really trying to pay attention to, when people are talking about wanting sex, what is it that they're really wanting? What is that underlying motivation, that drive, that desire other than just doing the physical act of it? Right. So it's kind of like sex is the umbrella term, but what is their motivation to get them

in there? They might just want to say what kind of cuddling they might want to adventure. So how did you, like, let's break it down because I think it is important to understand that you're right, we spend so much time around the frequency. Like how many times a week, that's always the first thing. How many times a week do you have sex? You better not have to smile,

match us up with their idea of what they think it is and they're like, okay, check, we're healthy, but we have so many other needs that we need to be met, that need to be met and we don't even know. So let's talk about some of the common ones, the common personality types. Yeah, so I wanted to give people a different way to think about their needs, because I think,

even that question, what do you need? It feels like such a big scary question. None of us know how to answer it, right? Literally don't. That's like what I try to get people down a path to figure out what they need all the time. It's such a challenging question. But in the menu, it's like someone's saying like, what do you want to eat?

And you're like, what do you have? And you're like, you don't tell them what they have. That's like every day with our sex life, we're like opening an empty refrigerator. Someone's like, have anything. You're like, I don't know what's on them, you know? Exactly, I know it's like the classic couples can under, what do you wanna have for dinner?

I don't know what do you wanna have for dinner. I don't know I asked for. Exactly. I don't get I asked for it. Exactly. I don't get to do so great. It's a good starting point because then if they look at they take this like, okay, well, at least we know where we're at. Like I may decompress or I'm a fair trader. I mean, we all have different parts of the last meeting and everyone,

but it kind of reaches that. But tell me, tell me about some of reaches that but tell me tell me about some of them like how would you how'd you get to 11? Yeah, so I started just going back through session notes I started paying closer attention in sessions just hearing from people and asking them questions about you know what is it that you're really looking for what do you want to experience what would be the ideal sexual experience for you and so that's how what do you want to experience? What would be the ideal sexual experience for you? And so that's how I boiled it down to these 11 types.

These were the most common ones that I kept seeing over and over again. And so the reality is that we're all kind of mixes of them. I think most people so far are relating to usually, some are between one and three types. But I think it's just a great way to start to explore for yourself. What is it that I'm looking for out of sex?

What does great sex mean to me? And then it's a great way to open up a conversation with your partner. So I wanted it to feel really fun and playful because I know talking about sex is really challenging for most of us. So you know, just a way that it felt like it could be kind of lighthearted, right? And just a fun conversation to open with your partner. So one of the most common types that I've been finding, which you just named as the decompressor.

So for the decompressor, sex is all about stress relief. It's the way that you blow off steam. And so you're really looking forward to what, like, the end of sex because you get that amazing, like, oh, my God, I get to to let go of everything I just bask in the afterglow of it. So that's a super common one Another very common one is the explorer. So the explorer sex is all about trying new things And so they can be very playful very open Really just wanting this sense of sex feeling like an adventure, something that we get to explore together with our partner. So those are actually two of the most common ones. Those are the most and you could be, you could like

get for stress, you could be like, I just need to relieve stress, and you could also want to be, you know, you could also be playful. Yeah, definitely. But okay, so that's really common. I could see that for stress relief, I feel like I identify that more with men that they might be a little bit more, like they're like, I just gotta get off. This is like a, you know, I would encourage women actually to think about it

that way too, but I do feel like this is more of a, you hear this more from men. Yeah, I do hear more male decompressors. Yeah, there are a couple of the types where they tend to skew a little bit more towards, you know, one gender Yeah, do you compressors definitely want to do the most common you think for women? For women

the Romantic is definitely a big one that comes up a lot It's about connection. You want to experience real emotional intimacy with your partner where you're being physical You want to feel present you You might like it slow. I could see you with them. Yeah, it really comes down to the energy. There are I know the romantic might sound like a little like, oh, that's cliche. Women just love romance. It's not just about, you know, Rose petals and all of that. It's about with the energetic connection, like really feeling like you guys are present with each other in that moment.

And deeply connected to each other. How do you work with couples and you're going through this? Do you, first of all, do you use this as a tool for couples when they come in to see or when they call in, does it in your video chat? You take this quiz and we can talk about it? Yeah, I do. I do. I think it can be really helpful for them to start to identify their types and then we get

to talk about it and really dig in in a lot more detail in the session itself and talk about how their specific types match up with each other because there's something with every combinations and positive aspects of it, some challenges that come along with it so it can be fun to dive into that in a lot. It's like everything, right? It's like the positive and the shadow side, right? The light and the shadow side of every situation that we're dealing with. So do you find that for many of the couples that come into you when you are trying to give them a menu? And they're like, you know, we have mismatch libidos, which we've established here that it's very most common thing and that it's actually

I mean, have you ever sat with a couple ones that had the same exact libido? Does that ever happen? I just never I mean, I've worked with couples who have similar libidas, but the reality is you're never gonna find a partner who wants sex the exact same time in the exact same way every single time that you want it. So I think it's really important to normalize that mismatched sex drives are extremely common. It's something that absolutely can be worked with.

But yeah, I've never worked with a couple where I thought you guys are imperfect alignment. Exactly. You just wanted to debunk all these myths. Cause every day we're doing it, right? And our job is being like, no, it's at first. Let's talk about the fact that this is what every single couple goes through.

I remember like 20 years ago, I was seeing a therapist and she was also like a life coach therapist and she was a couple's therapist as well. I was just going on my own and she said to me, I'll never forget this. This is before I did had this career, but she was like Emily, every single in my like 30 years I've been doing this, she said every single couple has had a challenge with their sex life. Like she's like, it's not just many and that's why I asked you that. I'm like, is every couple because now that I know more, it seems to

me that this is the calm not only is it sex, but this particular thing about getting on the same page about sex. So can you tell me with some of of what you advise your your clients to like if they come in and they're like, okay, you know, I'm exhausted, I work all the time. And my partner wants it every day, like where do you start with that? And I just know that these are the things that people who's here and for me, and I just love having a colleague on to talk about, you know, your practices and strategies.

Yeah, so I mean, I definitely start with the normalization aspect of it. I mean, it sounds really basic, but I think you can probably relate to this. It feels like the vast majority of our job is just busting up myths for people, but it can feel really powerful to have someone tell you that's normal. It's okay. And I think once we really feel that, it sort of opens up some space for us to get curious about, okay, if I'm normal, if everything's okay, how might we be able to work with this from here? So with, you know, with mismatched sex drives, I really start with this idea that our sex drives are something that we have to work on, that we put active effort into. So I like to say, you know, desire isn't something that just comes barging through our front door. It's something that we have to invite

in. And so when I'm working with couples, it's trying to get a sense of what are the specific context that we can create, the specific dynamics, are going to help invite in that desire instead of just sitting around waiting for it to spontaneously occur. Because that's another huge myth, right? The spontaneous sex myth that we all think that sex should just be perfectly wildly spontaneous. Every single time we get spotlighting every time we should feel it. We're going to be worried. We feel like we're worried. Yeah, exactly. So it's like debunking that and giving them, giving them inspiration. So when couples come to you and I was just saying earlier, it's like someone saying, like walking into a restaurant, this is a baronelgee, you walk into a restaurant and someone hand you a blank menu and they say,

okay, order anything, what do you want to eat? And then you're like, well, there's nothing on here. I feel like that's, it's that way with it was sex so so if people don't know they must be coming at you from all different places like they they just know something's wrong or maybe their parents never talked to about it I always send people to like the yes-no maybe list yeah that's a great one yeah I mean I'm just wondering what I want to know like what else is there out there I mean I don't you know porn and reading and being smart about it, but like, I know.

It feels exhausting. I want you to be. Oh, my God. What's the shortcut here, please? I'm asking you to ask over the shortcut to help everybody. Let's know maybe lists are great because they give you specific examples of things and you get to think about, yeah, is that something

like, is that something I don't? I also like talking to people a lot about their past sexual experiences. I think we don't really think about this enough and there's so much information there. So if you could think about what are your three to five absolute favorite sexual experiences? And then what can you glean from those experiences? So maybe you're realizing actually each of those times I was the one who initiated or those were times when I felt super relaxed or we were much more playful and experimental in the bedroom. People don't often kind of pick through their memories to look for clues like that, but it can it's so easy. It's really something anyone could do. Yeah, no, that's that's great advice.

It's like it's so it's so right with information right with information. It's just like that and also asking couples to look at what was like their memorable times they have sex or what's the things that they stick out because we have some information. It's a great place to start. Yeah, I think a lot of people get overwhelmed and we feel like, I don't know, I don't know what to do. And we sort of discredit that we have had experiences. And most people that I talk to can call out at least, you know, a couple of experiences that they thought, yeah, this was really fun. I would like to have my sex life look more like this. Yeah. Have you found with couples? Oh, what if they come in and they come to see you and they're not as compatible? Like, they, you know, is there a point where you can kind

of tell? And you're like, you know, what this just, they're never going to be able to get there. Do you kind of know, is there certain signs or telltale signs? Yeah, compatibility is really challenging because I think we either go to one end of the spectrum or the other. Like, on one hand, I hear from people who will have sex with somebody or even kiss them one time and say, the spark wasn't there, that's it, no way, you know, I'm ending it. And then I work with people who have been together for 40 years and they've never had a single experience that felt, you know, pleasurable or enjoyable

to them. So I feel like we're just, we just don't know how to find a middle ground of valuing compatibility, but also recognizing it's something that we can work on and develop. So yeah, it's really challenging, but I definitely have worked with couples where it was pretty clear and it became pretty clear in the work together, you know, to them too, that you guys are just so different. So I will say that it's pretty rare. I think most people, we can find ways to, you know, meet in the middle to understand each other better, to, you know, kind of explore different realms. But yeah, there are definitely our couples out there that they're just too different

that to find a way to compromise would be betraying each of their individual sites. Right. Are you of the belief that if a couple never had that spark, like the couple who's been together 40 years, can they create that spark if they didn't have it in those initial

like that thing about chemistry? Can we get that? Who dropped it up? Yeah, I think that chemistry is something that we have to create with our partners. I think that it's definitely premature to say, oh, yeah, we slept together once and it was terrible. There's no way we could be a good fit. So I think that chemistry is something that we create and we should normalize that. At the same time, I do think there has to be enough potential there.

So if you're intimate with somebody and you're like wildly turned off, something just doesn't feel right in your gut, then it might be difficult to create that spark. And if I'm working with a couple who's been together for decades and they've never had a single experience that felt enjoyable to them, yeah, that's definitely going to be challenging. I wish there was like a, I wish that people talked about this stuff earlier on before they

got married before they committed, like if there was some kind of test, I mean, it's probably just having these conversations about what are you into, what turned you on, but we don't do it. But that's what I liked about, you know, your unique sex personality type, even as a great starting point. Like if you don't know yet, and you're listening to this and thinking, I don't know that I'm on the same page of my partner, I'm about to get married to or, you know, I just started dating. Like let's have these conversations right away. We don't you agree that it's, it's, it's sort of, do you agree that it's never too soon? Absolutely. Yeah, I really want to normalize and encourage

couples to talk about sex because there's just no way for us to have great sex without being or too soon. Absolutely. Yeah, I really want to normalize and encourage couples to talk about sex because there's just no way for us to have great sex without being able to talk about it. And so that's really my goal is to find fun, playful, easier ways for people to initiate those kinds of conversations. And the thing about the personality types is that you're going to be totally different types

from your partner most likely. And that's perfectly OK. It doesn't mean you're going to be totally different types from your partner most likely. And that's perfectly okay. It doesn't mean you're incompatible. It just means that you guys can talk about, this is what makes sex really amazing for me. This is what makes sex really amazing for me. Okay, how do we take those different pieces and try to combine them together? Is it that sometimes we're having a mishmash of sex, it's a little bit of each of those types.

Is it sometimes we're going to have your type of sex and then the next time we have sex, we're going mishmash of sex. It's a little bit of each of those types. Is it sometimes we're gonna have your type of sex? And then the next time we have sex, we're gonna have my type of sex. So there's lots of different ways to play with it, but it's just about opening those conversations. We have to have those conversations with our partners. It's like which series we're gonna binge next on Netflix and the side, right?

It's literally the same kind of compromise that can happen, which people have this notion that the meds not sexy, but it's like, well, how sexy is it? Not having sex and not having sex. I think talking about sex is one of the sexiest things that you can't do. You're married and you talk to your husband, do some work together as well. Yes, my husband is a part of my business. He joined a few years ago, just sort of a funny story about how it all happened together. But yeah, we started working together and just realized that it was really valuable for us as a married couple

to be really honest with our community about the struggles that we go through, about times that we have boring sex, times that we have a hard time communicating about what we want, just being really honest and trying to be examples of, hey, you can do this and trying to inspire people in that way. And also just because you are a sex therapist

and your married doesn't mean that every time you have sex it's perfect, I'm gonna assume. Oh, no. But you love that people with these assumptions. I mean you're lucky you're married because I'm well I'm single always in dating but it's interesting could I still have that like oh do people want to date you because I think yeah all these things right. Yeah I got that a lot especially because I it's especially in college I remember yeah

telling people that oh I'm maturing in human sexuality. And I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, and I felt a lot of pressure around that. And so I've talked about that a lot too. I have one of my online courses is Finishing School, which teaches women how to orgasm. And I'm super upfront with people in this and sharing, you know, I struggled with my own orgasm for years and years and years. And this also, you know, this added layer of imposter syndrome of here I am, you know, studying be a sex therapist, going down this whole career path, and I can't even figure out my own orgasm. And I've gotten such great feedback from women saying, you know, I really appreciated that you were willing to be so honest and candid. So there are sometimes where I share stuff

about my own sex life, my own relationship that I'm like beat red, writing an email, like am I really about to send this out to the world? But just getting that kind of feedback, it's a great reminder to me, it is valuable for us to be honest and upfront. And I certainly do not have a perfect sex life, but I have had enough great experiences

to feel committed to using these tools. Even when I'm struggling, even when I'm not feeling sexy, even when things feel lackluster to keep working on it. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and thank you for supporting our sponsors, you guys, especially during this time. They are not closed, they are not canceled. And there's a lot of products and services that can help you during this time and all time. So thanks for supporting

them. We'll be right back. You talk a lot about confidence and body image, and I feel like you have a lot of great advice around this because so many of us, like I hear from people all the time, you know, all the things like I don't feel safe in my body. I don't feel comfortable or how do I get my partner to feel better and you know what is inside job and you have like a can I help my partner but really I do think you know it starts with ourselves like let's talk about some of your tools and tips for working with people like to help their body and there's our confidence. It's a lot of time to, we don't have that. It's really hard to have a healthy sex life. Absolutely, yeah.

If you are, I've read this great quote a long time ago that, and I can't remember who said it, but it was something like, you know, you can't walk around all day, hating your body, thinking these terrible thoughts about your body, and then get into the bedroom and just expect your body to deliver you all of this pleasure.

And I thought that was such a great way of putting it. But yeah, you know, we need to find ways to feel more connected to our bodies. So this, of course, can be super challenging because we are bombarded with messages on a daily hourly minute-by-minute basis, you know, designed to make us feel bad about our bodies, designed to make us think that our bodies need to fit this incredibly narrow range of what's acceptable. And working on our bodies is such a personal thing too, like a one technique that works so well for one person is going to land completely flat for another person. So I've always tried to develop as many different tools I can to see if I can, you know, find something that's going to reach someone at the right particular time. But one thing that I'm really playing around with a lot in my own relationship with my body is lately I've been thinking about myself as I'm my body's best friend.

And this came to me a while ago. I was having a moment where I was feeling a lot of body insecurity. I was thinking a lot of negative thoughts about my body, just hearing that endless tape running through my head. And I sort of had this thought of, you know, I'm really beating up on my body right now. And she doesn't have anyone to protect her. She doesn't have anyone who can like step up for her right now. And then I thought, I'm supposed to be that person.

I'm supposed to be protecting her and taking care of her and cherishing her. And there was something about that particular moment that it just really hit me and just, you know, straight down to my core like, oh, yeah. Yeah. So I've been playing around with thinking about my body as my best friend and really thinking

about how do I treat her. That's another piece of it too, as I'm talking about it as her rather than it, it feels so distancing at my body. But her, how do I protect her? How do I take care of her? How do I feel connected to her? And just that tiny shift in language for me is having such a big impact? Yeah, I'm playing around with that a lot thinking that I love that

I think that really that that could really hit a lot of people But you're right. We throw out tools, but that one is just like yeah I remember someone said this to me once too like if you're not gonna look after for yourself No one else is and I thought oh wow that is true, right? Like and we hear it from out all genders too It's that I know that you would also read I think that your husband had some body images issues as well, because I think that people think it's women,

not everyone, but obviously. You have all have issues at different point in our life. Yeah, I think it's really important to normalize that everyone, all genders, we go through this. And yeah, so he's talked really cannibly about his own body image struggles, you know, with our audience as well. He grew up super, super thin.

I'm five feet tall. He's six feet tall. So we've got this funny height difference. But when we met, he was about 125 pounds, six feet tall. Then, I kind of went through this classic thing that I think a lot of people go through, had a stressful job, starting to, you know, do a lot of eating at your desk, stress eating, you know, gained a lot of weight, and went from feeling very self-conscious about being underweight for his entire life, to now feeling really conscious about being, you know, having extra weight on him. So, yeah, he's talked about that as well,

and just being able to share that it's something that men go through as well, and it can feel challenging for them to acknowledge, yeah, we feel self-conscious about our bodies too, but trying to help normalize that. Like the guys can help each other through this. I mean, that's what we want, right? That's what we want our partner to be able to help us through all of these challenges,

to have the emotional intelligence and to have the skills which you teach a lot of this, to your audience, to your clients. Are there certain communication styles or tips that you work with clients who come in, like just teach them how to just communicate and state their needs or practices you have them do? Yeah, one place that I like to start with with a lot of couples is encouraging them to talk about sex after they've had sex.

So this works really well for couples who really don't talk about sex after they've had sex. So this works really well for couples who really don't talk about sex that often, feel really shy and uncomfortable about it. The idea of sitting down to have this big sex discussion can feel very overwhelming. And so I try to introduce, you know, little ways just to bring the topic up and get a bit more comfortable with it.

So right after you just had sex is a good time because you've just had it. It's on both of your minds. And I encourage people to start with just talking about sex in a positive context first. So I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking, oh, I have to talk about sex with my partner. I have to tell them that I hate that thing that they do. And I was really turned off when they did that. And I don't like it when they do this, but that's a terrible way to get more comfortable with it. You're gonna feel so overwhelmed trying to do something like that. So instead, could you try just bringing up the topic

after you've had sex and sharing something that you enjoyed about that? So it can be really easy to enjoy. Like, you're not allowed to talk about, yeah. Because I always say don't talk about it in the bedroom because most people's inclination is to be like, if you ever touch me that way again, I'm leaving, you know. No, don't talk about it.

Yeah, my rule of thumb is don't talk about any, you know, constructive criticism in the bedroom, but you can talk about positive things in the bedroom. Okay. So, you know, just, you know, even if it's something really simple, I really enjoyed that. That was a lot of fun. I liked it when you did this. That felt really good. So just starting with talking about sex in a positive way, it's going to get some momentum going. You'll realize it's not that scary. It can actually make you guys feel really connected.

And so once you build up a little momentum and create sex as this topic that it's okay for you guys to talk about, you've had good experiences talking about. At that point, it feels so much easier to start bringing in, hey, so, you know, I love it when you really kiss me this way, you know, trying to bring up specific, you know, feedback that you want to give to your partner. Exactly, because you're so right Vanessa, because if you don't tell them, how are they going to know? Partners are not my readers, and as we don't make as many noises, we don't let them know, but we assume they should know, so just to say it,

we don't have a little bit of a positive reinforcement. I know. It feels so good to hear your partner say, you made me feel good. I loved when you did that. You know, so yeah, it's definitely, and it will just make it feel so much easier to talk about sex if you have some of those experiences.

It's such a great habit to form then to kind of have a review time. We're like, even if it's not right after, but whenever, like, this is what we're gonna talk about our sex life. And then it becomes fun. I think that people realize, when you get over the hump, it's actually something you look forward to.

So what are some other habits that you teach couples to kind of to work on in their relationship? So to have a sort of communication or just have it like like um um yeah just habits or anything communications daily habits you know you some daily habits practices like what could they do that would like help them with communication with sex any of it I think we need all of it. So right now actually one of the tools that we're focusing on we're trying to help people work with their you know relationship challenges that are coming up right now because of the tools that we're focusing on, we're trying to help people work with their you know, relationship challenges that are coming up right now because of the COVID-19.

Well, that's was my let's talk about that. So how are we doing with that? How's everyone doing? Yeah, so we're just hearing so much from people that are really struggling with their relationships with everything that's going on right now. So, you know, we've been talking a lot about about health and quarantining and locking down and all of that, which is super important, but we're not talking as much about the impact that it's having on our relationships. And I'm hearing from so many couples who are telling me,

you know, we've never spent this much time together. Now we're having to be stuck in the same home together. Our house is feeling really small right now. We're both having to work from home for the first time ever. So they're feeling all of this, you know, there's a lot of stress, there's a lot of pressure, but at the same time kind of feeling guilty about, well, should I be complaining about this, at least I have my partner around or kind of this is a crazy time to be complaining about my partner. So we're just really trying to talk about, yeah, this is an extremely challenging time for

relationships. Our relationships are feeling so much more pressure on them than they ever have before because our lives look just so different right now. So one of the tools that we are trying to share is this simple daily check-in that we created for couples. That is, it's five questions, it takes a couple of minutes, it's not, you know, not anything too big, but it's a really great way to just reconnect with each other, just check in and see how you guys are doing, how you're managing, and to experience some stress relief and some connection. Because I think,

you know, we're all needing to experience this little daily moments of connection, right? Exactly. So this is also on your site, or is there is there one that you can leave us with like that? Yeah. Yeah. You can go to vmtherapy.com slash check in and download it for free. So we have all the questions and some suggestions for how to like create a fun little ritual around it. So it feels like something you can actually look forward to. I love it. And created that because we really do. We've been spending so much time on that and content around that. But it's like, we need to know how to deal right now. It's really putting stressors on their relationship, especially couples who weren't doing so great before.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, it's just magnifying all of the issues that you had beforehand. So a lot of couples have, you know, a lot of us try to sweep issues under the rug and we just don't really talk about it. We try to keep barreling through. And now we can.

And all those issues are really just coming front and center. And you're seeing interesting things like in China, as soon as the quarantine was lifted, the divorce rate has started to go up. So I think there are a lot of relationships that are really struggling with all this strain and pressure. And we want to help as many relationships as we can survive this.

And not only just getting through it but I think most of us are experiencing so much stress, so much anxiety on a daily basis that we're really needing to experience those moments of connection and joy with each other too. It can't be just about getting through the day. We need to have some experiences of happiness as well. So that's what we're really trying to support. That's great. I think you're doing such incredible work. So thank you so much.

Really, really. I appreciate it. And truly, you are. I think that's just great resources because right now, it's just like, yeah, things are so amplified. It is a really challenging time. And we don't want to see those. This worse statistics go up.

So, if you can get ahead of it right now by taking, you know, asking questions, taking time, still, even though you feel like you're together all the time, you still prioritize your relationship. Yeah. So, each other, time doesn't mean that it's a useful time,

that it's intimacy, that it's actually connecting. I know. Yeah. It's funny because one of the things that I used to hear from couples the most was we don't get enough time together. And now everybody's getting a lot of time together, but it's not exactly what most of us thought it would be. Right, now they're like, I can't stand with her.

You're like the care for what you wish for. You're all together now. Oh, I know. That's so true. Well, I mean, I'm sure you'll probably see an arise in clients coming to you. So there's the 11 unique sex personality types and people can take the quiz. But okay, we talked about the decompressor. Like we used for stress relief, the explorer. Let's talk about a few more of them just to be able to kind of get their head around it because I think it'll be

just great fodder for people to think, oh, that's smart. Mm-hmm. Okay, so another type is the fair trader. So for the fair trader, generosity is the most important quality of sex. And you want there to feel like there's a balance between both partners that you're both, you know, really interested and open to giving to each other. It's all about the balance there. And we can contrast that one with the giver.

So for the giver, they are all about giving to their partner. They're not as much into receiving. It's really about being able to give to their partner. And so they're just so tuned into their partner's experience that if the partner's not enjoying themselves, the giver can't enjoy themselves. And they really are like they're into it. They're probably like the code of pedants perhaps. That can come out sometimes too. I also do see a lot more male givers than any other gender, which is interesting because I know we have some stereotypes about men being selfish in the bedroom, but I do tend to see a lot of male givers. I like it. Let's find those. Another type is the guardian. So for the guardian sex is all about a feeling of safety and security.

So they really want to feel connected to their partner before they're open to being intimate. So that's the most important quality for them. Another one is the passion pursuer. So passion pursuers like sex to feel almost animalistic. Like it's really intense, it's really all encompassing. You kind of lose yourself in the moment, time stands still, that type of thing. I related that one. Yeah, I really get to that one too for sure. And then that one's kind of an interesting contrast to the pleasure seeker. So for the pleasure seeker, sex is really just about the pure physical pleasure of the act. So sometimes I talk to pleasure seekers and they don't even get this whole sex personality type model because they're like, sex is just about feeling good. Like, what else could there be?

Right, that's a thing. I've had a couple pleasure seekers tell me, like, yeah, I'm just, you know, simple mind, simple pleasures. So it's that kind of, that kind of energy around me. Right, I think I'm the pleasure seeker and the passion pursuer. We can relate to all kinds of types. Yeah, I love this. Okay. Yeah. Another one that we have, which is another type that I relate to personally, is the prioritizer. So for the prioritizer, they really want to know that sex is something that is important in their relationship.

That it's something that you guys are willing to prioritize, make the time and the space for. So it's really about, yeah, knowing that it's something that you guys are, you value. It's an important part of your sex life. Another type that we briefly talked about before was the romantic. So sex is all about that emotional connection, that energetic exchange.

Another type that we have is the spiritualist. So the spiritualist is also about that energetic aspect, but for them, there's kind of this sense of, they're wanting to experience a sense of transcendence around sex, like sex connects you to something higher. So it could be religious, it could be kind of more of an Eastern philosophy, but this sense of, yeah, Tantra absolutely fits into this,

but sex can be like this transcendent kind of experience. And then finally, we have the thrill seeker. So for the thrill seeker, they're all about exploring what feels kind of forbidden or taboo to them. So if there's some element of it feeling a little, you know, wrong or naughty, that's what really gets some going. Again, you're gonna have all of them kind of like the love

language is, we all want all five of them pretty much different points, but here's just a great jumping off point for people to be like, this one's me, which one's you because we love a quiz. We love a quiz. It doesn't love a good quiz. And you can have people facilitate the conversation about their sex life if they haven't had it. We're always looking for, you know, conversation starters. I'm going to ask you the five questions that we ask all of our guests. All right, are you ready? I am.

All right, what is your biggest turn on? Such a good question. My biggest turn on is feeling desired by my partner. When I feel like energy, enthusiasm, excitement from him, it's just instantly I'm done. Biggest turn off. Biggest turn off is probably the exact opposite of my biggest turn on is when I can tell my partner

is not engaged in that moment. There's just no way for me to feel present and excited and engaged if I can tell my partner's not into it. What makes good sex? For me, so you'll be able to tell one of my types from this, but for me, sex is about a sense of playfulness. I think that a lot of us approach sex really seriously. We think we have to be so perfect at it. But for me, the best sex is when I feel experimental, exploratory, playful, curious, I don't like care how things actually turn out. It's just that sense of can I show up and be my full self

even if I'm being like kind of goofy or silly, just really, yeah, having sex feel like my playground. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Oh, God, they're like a thousand different ideas that I'll just pop into my head at the same time. I would tell her, oh, God, I can't pick one. I'm having a hard time.

Ha, ha, ha. I would tell her that sex is gonna be be something that is going to require her to work on it and that that's okay. Because I think growing up, I really had a lot of the same beliefs that most people do that it's just supposed to be perfect, it's just supposed to happen and the idea of having to work on anything would have sounded terrifying to me. So I would tell her, it actually is a lot of fun to work on your sex life. Really? I wish we could tell everybody that. I think we just did.

Okay, number one sex tip. My number one sex tip has got to be to talk about it. I think that's that just brings everything right around for me is that we've got to open up these conversations. It sounds simple, but it really can open up an entire new world of possibilities once you start talking about it. I love it. So this is great. Good job on this Vanessa Morin.

Thank you so much. It's so lovely to meet you. And thank you for all the work you're doing to help people to stay safe and help people have better relationships during this time right now, which is a weird, strange time. People can find you, VMtherby.com,

they can take your courses. Yeah, it would be a new client. Yes, I would love to connect with any of your listeners. And I'm just so grateful for you for having this incredible platform and for helping open up all these conversations, give people better resources. So thank you for doing it

and thank you for letting me be a part of it today. Thank you for being here. Thanks everyone. Stay safe, and thanks to my awesome amazing team for working so hard right now. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, Robin, our interns, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemleap.com.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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