Sex With Emily - Play With Yourself w/ Dr. Megan Stubbs

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

I’m joined by sexologist, relationships expert, body image specialist, and author of Playing Without a Partner Dr. Megan Stubbs. We dive into how to embrace every aspect of singlehood (hello, masturbation!) and why being single doesn’t have to be a layover, it can be your destination. We give tips for loving your body, ways to elevate your orgasm, and how to alleviate skin hunger when you aren’t in a relationship. Plus, we’re sharing tips for sending nudes, ways to create an optimal pre-date ritual, and ideas for being with a new partner.We also answer your questions about what to do if you feel insecure about the number of people you have slept with, how to increase emotional intimacy in the bedroom and what to do if you feel you’re in a “dry spell.”Show Notes:Yes No Maybe ListFor more information about Dr. Megan Stubbs, visit: sexologistmegan.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yeah, I want to shift away from having singled them as being the staff of a point. Like, we're not a layover. This is a just a destination. Like, you can be happy here. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone name. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation

around sex. I'm joined by sexologist and relationship expert body image specialist and author of playing without a partner Dr. Megan Stubbs. We dive into how to embrace every aspect of singlehood, hello masturbation, and why being single doesn't have to be a layover, it can be your destination. We give tips for loving your body, ways to elevate your orgasm, and how to alleviate skin hunger when you're not in a relationship. Plus, for sharing tips for sending nudes, ways to create an optimal pre-date ritual and

ideas for being with a new partner. We also ask your questions about what to do if you feel insecure about the number of people you've sub with, how to increase emotional intimacy in the bedroom, and what to do if you've been in a dry spell. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in setting an attention. It totally works. If you're listening and you think,

what do I want to get out of this episode, just set an intention. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to just normalize being single already and give everyone single or not some tips to steam up your solo play. We do have a article Ask Emily on the site right now.

It's, we have a lot of new articles on the site, but this one is about do vibrators make you less sensitive. So in honor of Masterpiece a month, I wanted you all to check that out. We can ask that question a lot. Check it out on sexwithemily.com. If you have questions, speaking of questions, you can call my brand new hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Just leave your questions or you can always message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily

and as always include your name, your gender identity, location, age and how you listen to this show. Also, it is still masturbation month, so remember check out our Instagram every Monday this month because we'll be doing giveaways for you. Alright, enjoy the show. Alright, today my guest, Dr. Megan Stubbs, is a sexologist, relationship expert, body image specialist, and author of playing without a partner. She believes that sex should be fun and uses her lighthearted, intelligent, and humorous delivery to make it all happen.

Dr. Megan Stubbs, welcome to the show. It's so good to see you. We first met in our grad school. Yes, right? That's it. That's great. Back in the day. And now you have your new book,

playing without a partner. Can you tell me about your decision to focus on on this topic? Yeah, so it looks like a really natural fit to both include my personal super single life and then share professional advice into one cohesive book to impact people. Right.

I mean, the reason why I loved this because I can tell you this is that I've been single by choice for more. I'm trying to think of it's more so in my like the majority of my life. But I say I've been long term relationships and then I'm single for a while. And I cherish being single. I never understood why being single was such a temporary,

Leo stopover until you actually get to be in the relationship, but being single can also be a lifestyle that's celebrated. And I love that your book is all about that. How do we embrace being single and being sexual, being out there in the world? So I think it's a it was a great choice. Thank you. Yeah, I want to shift away from having single them as being the stopper for point. Like we're not a lay choice. Thank you. Yeah, I want to shift away from having singledum as being the staff of a point. Like, we're not a layover. This is a destination. Like, you can be happy here.

And there's not a lot of books in the market that are talking about that. They're always like, how to get your partner, how to spice things up with your existing partner, not just like, ham single, and I want to live a good life. How do I do that? Exactly. And you really cover all of it from,

how to be okay with being single because there is a lot of societal judgments around it. So where would we start? I mean, I'm always just throwing things and thinking, you guys, it's fine, but you really give some specific tips so people can kind of embrace it. So where do we start if we're single and we're just like, yeah, it's a bummer, I don't know, or I can't believe I'm not in relationship. How do we become our best selves? Take stock of your life. Like, Imer, I don't know, or I can't believe I'm not in relationship. How do we become our best selves? Take stock of your life. I know I can feel like you have a scarlet S on your forehead because you're single.

If you're feeling sad about it, feel sad, but then take stock of what's going on around you. Think about all the things you have going for you right now, the single person you're beholden to know one. You can do whatever you want. You can pursue a new hobby. You can pick up and can do whatever you want. You can pursue a new hobby, you can pick up and go, do a weekend away, and there's not anyone, you know, holding you back or saying like,

oh, we can't do that right now because I've got the nails going on. You're really like the master of your universe. And so, shifting that mindset of like sad and lonely to like, oh my gosh, I have all this like opportunity to explore can help people shift away from the like, whoa, is me, I'm single? When's it gonna be my turn? And you also experienced this, as you said, I did it once, I called it a mandatoryum. When I swore off men for a year. And what did you call yours a man, man?

Man, man, you man, man, that's good too. And I think that it's, we do have some really wonderful work on ourselves when we're single, but if we're single and we're always looking for the next thing, it's just not gonna happen that way, because you're like, okay, I'm just looking and looking. So what did you learn during your man ban? Let's talk about some of the things

that could be a healthy steps. If you're single right now, we're not saying you should never be in a relationship, but how do you get yourself into the best maybe you're going through a break up or you just realize that I'm dating a lot of the people that aren't right for me. Maybe I should just stop, you know, and just look at myself.

Where do we start? You start with yourself. So time spent on yourself is never time wasted. So for me personally, that was time for me to work on myself both personally and professionally. So I made huge strides in my career. I was able to write for publications. I probably never would have pursued if I was taking that time and energy on someone else, not saying it's bad if you spend time with your partner

or like do it on them or help bring them up. But when there's nobody else, okay, it's my turn. So take that same energy you put with someone else and put it towards yourself. You'll be selfish in a way and help yourself become the best person. I mean, I overhauled my house. I was like, what's going on here?

Like upgraded by sheets. Like I really took care of me because I was like, I don't know what's. I was looking for going on here, like upgraded by sheets. Like, I really took care of me because I was like, I don't know what's gonna happen down the road, but right now, here's the things I can control. And I wanna be living the best life I can. So no more cheap sheets, I'm old now. Like, I'm not in college, I want good sheets. I wanna, you know, work on my career

and I wanna come home to a place that makes me feel good and not like I'm missing out on something because right now, I'm cozy coaching homey and that's great. You look cozy in homey. You do. You look like you're in a good place. So what did you discover about yourself from since we started school and through this journey?

And I like you say this in your book like you're never done. You're never done. Like I'm always still discovering stuff too. So what would you say was like some surprising things that you've learned about yourself that you didn't quite realize before during this journey? I like my hair played with not necessarily pull, but like head scratches feel super, super nice.

And I do love a nice firm grab, like on a butt or a thigh, like I really like that. And again, that wouldn't be something I'd normally say, like, hey, I like when you grab my thighs. Like, how would you know that? Unless you've had that. Thank you. Right.

And so it's just really fun to explore the different sensations. And so you might surprise yourself. You might surprise yourself. It's true. What about other specific things like about your orgasms? I used to have very, just have a literal orgasms that I would like knew how to do that with the toy.

But then once I started to slow down and figure it out, I was like, I realized that I had all the nerve endings beneath the labia, and that I could actually have an orgasm once I was really turned on and I did all the things. My pubic mound, like I just, I learned so much, and I'm always still learning things. So anything about your orgasms that have shifted, I think people just think that there's one way and that's it. Oh yeah, there's a variety of ways. I mean, you think back to school, we had a masturbating

different ways. And sometimes it felt like we were like two North and Magnets being like, no, I don't want to do this. This doesn't feel right. But, you know, exploring, because I'm on my back with my hand kind of person, but, you know, exploring what it's like on your stomach with a toy or maybe standing up or discovering, you know, no, I don't like it if I'm on my knees and I'm trying to like orgasm. Like there's just certain ways that it feels better for me and can be more powerful. And you mentioned too. So edging, oh my gosh, if I edged for like an hour, that orgasm hails and compares into like, just quick like.

Okay, break it. I love edging. Can we just break down edging? Any gender can do edging. Yes, let's talk about how you've edged. Yes, so this is where you're again. Building a rousal and you're getting to the like almost cost of orgasm but you back away. So either you're slowing down sensation or you just completely like stop hands up and then you let your body come back down for restful state, but then you do it again, and you slow it down, and then you do it again, and you slow it down. And then whenever you want to, I mean, maybe you could edge for a day, whatever your choice. But then when you finally allow yourself to go over that peak and reach orgasm, it's like next level. So would you do it where your butt's orgasm and then you could go make a sandwich and come back to it? You say you did it all day.

Like would you be like, oh, I'm going to go to the mall and come back and then I'll do it where your butt's orgasm and then you did go make a sandwich and come back to it? You said you did it all day. Would you be like, oh, I'm going to go to the mall and come back and then I'll do it again. But you sing like in a session. Yeah. If you got a whole Saturday, go do that. Spend all day edging. And that works for all judges, no matter what your body parts, it is true that that edging

practice, it can also help for a lot of penis owners to understand the jacksatory control. And yeah, it's just more intense like anything, like waiting for dessert. I wanna eat these fresh chocolate cookies, but I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna try to eat dinner first and then I'm gonna have a cookie. You know, it's like everything's kind of better

with the delay and the anticipation of what's to come. Yeah. And I'm so glad you brought up your penis owners because I know there's a lot of times people are concerned with, you know, I'm coming too fast. So doing this exploration on your own, there's no pressure being with a partner of like, oh, I can't do that because you can start to play with those sensations and get to know your body better and know those points where you're like, well, almost there.

So you can control that better. We need to help everybody with this stuff. So how are elevating your orgasms in real life? Like changing the way you think it's edging, edging for sure can do that. What else do you think? Toys, sensations, any other breath? Oh, breathing for sure. Take some deep breaths. I know a lot of times in pornography we're seeing like which is fine and good, that's great. But taking in a deep breath and fully oxygenating yourself is just like a whole new level of just sensation.

So, you know, next time you're engaging in play, whether it's solar or partnered, take a deep breath and just see how that changes the sensations in your body. So breathing 100%. Maybe reading a rhodica, that's something on your radar. You can easily read on your phone or a laptop. You can listen to audio. So, I mean, there's a lot of great apps that do that. There's also some websites you can listen to really skinny stories. And of course, pornography is great too. How can we start to expand our sexual practice

when we're alone? Yes, again, spending time with ourselves, but in a sexual way, I think a lot of times people feel like they're missing out air quotes on real sex. Again, what's real sex? But sex with a partner, but you can be your own best sexual partner. And sometimes you're better than with a partner because. Yeah, so take that time. So maybe let's just say you're someone who's like, I've only had satisfying sex with a partner.

And I don't know where to begin with myself, because I'm alone. Just take time and start touching yourself, just for exploration. So almost like a solo sunset focus where you're just touching yourself for curiosity and there's no kind of end game or pressure to like orgasm at the end. You're just taking time to get to know you and what you like.

And then take time to actually masturbate. Not like, I got 10 minutes before I fall asleep, let's just see what happens. But make it a event, like schedule out some time and really explore and play. And I love the addition of sex toys. I think in relationships it might be kind of difficult to bring up a sex toy, but when you're with yourself,

there's no pressure, there's no judgment. So do a little online shopping, get some Monados found boxes in the mail and try them out. Right. Yeah, you know, I love the sex toy. I have a idea. So let's go back to Sensei's focus again, because I know that's something

that we also covered in grad school, about like, whatever year for years, Sensei's focus, but how would you actually walk someone through that process of learning to recognize what touch feels good to you and touching for your own pleasure? Yeah, so this is something you would do when you have a block of time to dedicate to doing this exercise. And you're just gonna do a full, like, like top to bottom assessment stroking with your fingers. Maybe

some mails, maybe some pinching or pressure or some percussive slaps going on and just discovering, you know, because we know hot fuck, we know nipples, clitoris, we know that we know those are exciting places. But maybe there's something about, you know, your lower belly where you have nails running down. It's like, ooh, kind of gives me chills. I kind of like that. You wouldn't know that if you didn't discover that on your own. So this is just taking your full body assessment and just seeing what different sensations you like. And this is one or one day exercise. Like you can do this many times. Revisit as needed. Right. After the break, beg and I answer your listener questions so stick around

Megan do you want to help me answer some questions from the listeners here oh yeah I love that sure let's do it together okay so this is from J24 in Texas dear Dr. Emily after my college speed heart and I broke up, I didn't see it coming. I went out a year long sex binge or only to feel any love and affection. My ex was only the second person I ever had sex with. And within a year, my body count shot to 21.

I used sex with random people to try to get over him. And I simply became dependent on men to boost my own self-esteem. I'm in therapy now working on this too. Your podcast opens my eyes to various traumas I've suppressed so thanks for that. Anyways, I'm now with my current boyfriend for the past two years, and he's the love of my life. Sadly, I still have so much shame about my body count, especially as a young woman.

My boyfriend, I both decided early on that this would not be something we would ever discuss as it does nothing to benefit our relationship with each other. It's strictly a self-shaming burden I've cared for years now. How can I forgive myself? What did I, what I do when I was hurting and not let this body count number hang over my head?

So what, what Jay is saying is that she broke up with someone and her body count sounds like killed people. She actually had sex with 21 people, which is great. You went out there, you experienced things. I have a lot to say about this number issue, is like, first, don't talk about it. Your partner does not need to know, but also, because people do have judgments around it,

but Jay is so hard on herself, and I think that that show that you were out there exploring and experimenting, and it's not this negative, horrible thing that you did. You literally did not kill anybody. You got to give love to yourself and try things out, even if they weren't always perfect. I just think, I don't know, how do we get her?

Get out of her head. This was a bad thing. I'm like, you go, girl, but I know that... Reading in the text solider is definitely a, like, not typical answer, I think, from civilians. Because that was not typical. We're not giving you a typical answer. Yeah, I know.

I have no qualms with anyone's number. If it's high-low, whatever. Like, if that's what you want to do, that's amazing. That's great. That's a chapter in your life. There should be no shame, as long as everything was consensual. All good. There is the saying of how to get over one is to get under a new one.

There's also that song by Dewelepa. But if that's what you wanted at that moment, honor that. And so now it sounds like you're in a relationship with someone and it's going well. You don't have to discuss those numbers. I mean, there's nothing wrong with holding that back and just saying like, I had a, you know, past much like you did before we met. We don't have to go and discuss that

because it's not impacting your relationship now. All good. The past is the past. I always say, if your partner asks you that question, you could say, you know what? All I'm focusing right now and all I'm remembering is the incredible sex we're having. Yeah.

Let's stick with that narrative. Like, you don't need to go back. And also just, I think this is a matter of going easy on yourself. I think that the high body kind thing or how do you stop with? Is it another societal construct that numbers lower mean that you're better if they're higher? It means you're not. Keep going in your relationship.

This is from KC33 in Connecticut, dear Dr. Emily. I spent six years in a relationship in my 20s. The passion was never there, and we decided to go our separate ways. Our relationship ended four years ago, I dated someone and had some casual sexual relationships for the year following, but then stopped. I've spent the last three years alone, no dating, no sex. I feel like all my insecurities have really surfaced and get louder the longer I years alone. No dating, no sex. I feel like all my insecurities have really surfaced and get louder the longer I remain single. I've gained some weight, I'm a recovery,

and scared of how someone will view me and not find me attractive. The longer I remain celibate, the harder it seems to keep getting my groove back. I masturbate but have lost all confidence in myself. I would love your perspective on getting back out there after a long dry spell. Megan, she's gotta read your book. Yes, book plug. Ha, ha, ha. Really, Megan's book is playing without a partner. It's just so interesting that it is true

that if you've less time that we do something, I always think that going to the gym, like sometimes you might be really into it and then you take a week off and then a month off and then two months like, oh, I gotta go back to the gym. And it's kinda can be a little bit harder at first, and then you take a week off, and then a month off, then two months, like, oh, I gotta go back to the gym. And it's kinda can be a little bit harder at first,

but then you get back into the routine. She's saying it gets louder. I know that experience of being alone, and then my negative self-talk just gets louder and louder. Part of me just thinks, go out and start doing things that you love, taking classes, saying hi to people, just starting to talk to people, and building, it's not like you got to find one person

go on date. I think I've met most personally through groups are going out to a party and you know, you meet people being out and feeling confident if you're with a group of friends that you really get along with. Like see where you can all go together because then you're already feeling comfortable

and see if maybe they'll have a party and there's some friends there. But what do you think? Yeah, and what can she do? I wanna give this person a hug. Like, I'm responsible. First of all, you gain some weight. OK, so what? Now what?

Like, all right. Like, I feel like people think being fat is like the worst thing in the world. Like, and it's not. But that's what society tells you. So already with that, like, you're fine. It's fine. You gain some pounds.

No one cares. It's fine. But when she mentioned that the process of masturbating wasn't like great anymore, that's such, you know, revisit that, please revisit masturbation because not only can that make you feel good sexually, it can kind of help heal that disconnect of the body you don't like because it puts some weight on it, gain some pounds, you can still bring about amazing sexual pleasure from that body. So how are you going to hate this thing that you can make feel so good? So when there's that disconnect, it's like, oh, I guess my body is still good.

It's still valid. Maybe someone would want that. They do. People want your body. So they do want your body. But how do you suggest she would mix up masturbation? Oh, so again, try different things. So maybe you are a back masturbator,

try it on your stomach, try it in the shower, try it in the bathtub. Have you ever had a stream of water shooting on your clitters before? If you haven't, it's real nice. So, what happened to bun lay down and throw your legs up on the wall and just try it out? Exactly, just mix it up yourself.

Right. So true. And if it sucks, you have a and just tried out. Exactly. Just mix it up yourself. Right. So true. And if it sucks, you have a funny story to tell your friends. That's true. You're like, I wish that people would talk about this more and just say, so what'd you do last night last night? I was trying to do masturbation routine.

I don't think it's going to be my go-to, but I learned something interesting. Like how great if we just talked about that. Yeah. So I just watched Netflix, right? Yeah. Now that there's any judgment on that. Okay, this is from Lindsey 25 in North Carolina. Hey, Dr. Netflix, right? Yeah. Now that there's any judgment on that. OK, this is from Lindsay, 25 in North Carolina.

Hey, Dr. Emily. Thanks for your podcast. You've helped me so much in the few short months. I'm enlisting. My question is about emotional intimacy. I've recently begun dating my partner. We've been great friends for a decade, but only been seeing each other romantically

for a little over a year. He has a lot of sexual trauma in his childhood recently started EMDR therapy. I know he loves and cares for me deeply, but there always seems He has a lot of sexual trauma in his childhood recently started EMDR therapy. I know he loves and cares for me deeply, but there always seems to be a lack of emotional intimacy in the bedroom. I know this is probably due to the trauma, but he has expressed wanting to feel intimacy

in the bedroom. He wants to have sex frequently, but when we do, it seems surface level with no emotional depth. I'm definitely one who needs their romantic, emotional piece of sex. I'm definitely one who needs their romantic, emotional piece of sex. I'm wondering a few tips to offer that will help us find deeper,

emotional intimacy in the bedroom. Thank you so much. That's so interesting because, protecting like emotional intelligence and emotional maturity is something that we have to like learn over time. But when I'm hearing that, it's like, it might be due to the trauma.

It just might be that your partner doesn't have experience having real authentic connections with a woman or with anybody. There's many ways the genders are coming together and very similar, but we take this as typically more for penis owners that they grow up in an environment where they're like, you know, man up, don't cry, don't show emotion.

His dad didn't show emotion to the mom. Like, he doesn't have any role models for How to do that and he probably doesn't even really know what you mean And I'm trying to understand what she means like let's let's talk about this like how would you define Megan? They're having sex, but she needs the emotional piece I think like staring into to the other's eyes talking like what what do you think she's actually saying here that she she might want? Yeah, that was my follow-up question like what do you think she's actually saying, you know, she might want? Yeah, that was my follow-up question. Like, what do you mean?

Like, I don't know because I mean, if we just look into the sleep, that's so broad. Like, what do you want? Do you want the eye connection? Do you want a little hair tuck behind the ear? Do you want a little tear, maybe? Or like, oh my god, I love you. Like, what, I don't know what that means.

And also, too, if we don't know what that means, does your partner know what that means? Have you given them examples of like, hey, I would love it if you whispered, I'm your little boo thing in my ear. Like, I would love that. That's what I'm looking for because they could be completely clueless. And it could be something from the trauma or it could just be, like you said, they don't know.

They don't know what they don't know. Maybe that's not how they've had sex before in the past. They don't think they're doing anything wrong. So it boils down to communication. Like like have you asked for what you want? It always comes out of communication and we think that we will like well I told my partner I wanted them to be more aggressive like in the bedroom But do they know what that means? It's okay to walk your partner through what when you say you want more Emotional intimacy what does it look like is that hand holding?

Yeah, is he getting hold of your hand? Is he going to sing you a song? He probably needs you to walk him through it. And you could find some rot. You could read him an erotic story that depicts exactly what's in your mind. You could choke porn. If there's anything romantic and porn that speaks to you. But I don't know. That's how I learned to. I'm like a visual learner. I also need to like hear something. Auditorial. I just feel like Megan, don't you think that people, if you're with a good person, they want to be good lovers.

Like they want to know what you want. They're not trying to not please you. I just think we're not equipped. We don't have any skill sets around it. Yeah, we don't have the language for sure. And it's definitely not normalized in popular culture. I don't see a lot of TV shows or movies that are like, hey, you know what I like?

X, Y, and Z, done this way. That's never happened. It's just always like we're kissing, and then stuff happens. And I'm like, oh, I guess that's great. You know, but if you get specific on what you like, you're gonna get what you like. And that's okay.

It doesn't have to be boring of like. And here's my clip board with my checklist of things I enjoy. Make it fun. Make it like where you're reading a, you know, a radical novel together. Be like, hey, I wanna show you a clip of something. make it fun, make it like where you're reading a, you know, a radical novel together, be like, hey, I want to show you a clip of something, make it fun. Yeah, and exactly. And then using your book playing without a partner as a tool kit, you can do some of this work on your own and

figure out what do I mean by emotional intimacy or different kind of touch. And then you, then it becomes a deeply more embodied experience where you're actually, when you have to take notes and you're alone, you'll have a knowing in your body about what you need. You'll be able to think about it. Like, well, when this moment, what would I have needed? You just, I don't know. That's just how I have to experience something to know it.

Yeah. We're going to take a quick break, but we come back, Dr. Megan Stobbs and I break down skin hunger and what you should do if you're craving another person's touch. Okay, let's talk about the dating world because you give a lot of great tips about how to meet people. So she now that the pandemic is is is is waning and we're out. I love that you break it down. You're like pretend you're at a coffee shop. Here's how you meet someone or here's, you know, like it's it's a lot simpler than we think,

right? We don't need to pick up lines. We don't say hello sometimes. There's some interesting ways that you think that people could or aren't thinking about where they could actually meet someone. I think the biggest worry is coming off creepy. So with the pick up lines or any kind of pick up artist stuff, don't do that avenue, don't send dick pics, but that's not going to be great. Just be authentic.

And so while that sounds super easy, that can just be as simple as a hello or like in a book I say, ask the barista. They know everybody who comes in there in the whole neighborhood. So tell people you're looking for a partner and what you're looking for. Obviously, don't hold up the whole line if it's the morning. But just say, hey, I'm looking for someone. And kids start if you're doing things you already like. So maybe you can volunteer once you're out of lockdown.

Maybe you want to go do an entrepreneurial sport. Doing the things you already enjoy. You might see someone who's like, well, you're into this too. Cool. Then you have something to bond and talk about. Yeah. When you're doing something that you actually like, you're more likely to find people who are more suited to at least you know you got that in common.

You're both hiking. You're at a hiking club or taking a wine tasting class. I love that you've a chapter or you write about skin hunger because that's something that we've been talking about a lot, especially being a single person the last year. If you were a single and locked down, let's talk about skin hunger. Yeah. Who's actually like phenomenal study by science and it's super detrimental if you don't get enough touch in your life. And so obviously if you're a single, you don't have someone really available to touch. So you can feed that in different ways. So for me, my dog was like clutch

during this time because like I can just snuggle and cuddle up to him, but you can also rely on those relationships you already have. So don't just count your family members and your friends. Obviously, again, don't be creepy, but just be like, can you hug? Can we sit close together? And there's something wrong with touching your friends or your loved ones.

It's a natural thing. We need to hug more. Right, we do. We do. I mean, we didn't even realize the repercussions of it. I mean, I did. I got a dog. Yeah. OK, so we go out there, we meet people, we do, we do. I mean, we don't even realize the repercussions of it. I mean, I did. I got a dog. Yeah.

Okay, so we go out there, we meet people, we start saying hello, and then what are some, what I'm hearing from a lot of people, Megan, is that they feel out of practice, they haven't dated in a while. How do we get into our best mindset for dating, or even before a date? I love your chapter on how to like, pregame a date,

before a date. How do you get in the right mindset? Yeah, I love it chapter on how to like pregame a day before a date. How do you get the right mindset? Yeah, I love it. How do you do it? You just approach every new date as an opportunity to get to know someone and you keep an open mind. Hopefully you've done some like pre-work where you just haven't like gone on a blind date

and you're like, I don't know anything about this person. But you've had maybe a couple conversations via, you know, maybe internet or texting and you've got some things going on so you're going to walk into it and be like, we have nothing to talk about. But you've done some pre-vedding, so you know it's not going to be totally horrible. But if it is horrible, that's okay. There's always a next one.

Don't put so much pressure on the first date where you're having a conversation with someone, and then you're like, PS, my ring size is seven. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow it down like me. We just met so just just relax, just relax. You also talk though about some things to do like getting the shower like Lufa and getting yourself, yeah, I love that stuff because I've showed up frazzled, I'm late, I'm working and I'm not my, like I gotta try to take 10 deep breaths in the car

but you have some great embodied practices in your book for people to kind of get in the good mindset. Yeah, before the date. Hike yourself up. So put on your jams, put on whatever makes you feel confident, and just tell yourself, you're a catch, you're amazing, where you're sexy panties if you want, maybe where no panties, I don't judge,

and just go out feeling the best you can because You are a catch and no matter what you look like I know right now Everyone's worried about like lose the pandemic way the keney season fomors coming It doesn't matter what you look like you are totally deserving of having a happy fulfilling relationship right now So hype yourself up believe that when you say it and just go out and be like I'm going to meet this person there and be blown away because I'm awesome. All right. I love this. Having a tool kit that you can access when you know that your inner negative talk is going to be rearing its ugly head. And I love that you write in your book, playing without a partner about how maybe you're not feeling as great in your body. And

someone wants to take off your shirt and you're going, oh my God, negative self-talk, like, oh God, my left foot was bigger than my right boob or I look weird and you start to sabotage yourself before it happens, but then in the moment, you'll say, I am a goddess, I am deserving of this. And then you can totally flip the whole situation because that is what sexy is a person

who actually feels good in her body. And I know we don't all always feel good in our bodies at all times, but to know in that moment that you could do that switch, I just really liked how you explain that. That's a lot of like, you could go either way here, I could just take it down with my negative thoughts or I could be like, no, that's not who I am. I'm a sexy woman deserving all of all this pleasure. Yeah, I mean, referencing back to that self-work, you know, the beginning of the book is a lot of, I think,

like, self-esteem building and validation of how good you are right now. So when you have that rock solid foundation, so when those do negative thoughts pop up because they will, they happen, we're human, it only happens, it's part of life. You know that you are not your chubby belly or your cellulant. You are so much more than that. So those thoughts will pop up. We see

those thoughts. I see you. We're going to shove them aside because this person is going to take my shirt off and we're going to have an amazing time together. But how do you walk people through feeling better about their bodies, body even body neutrality? I think the first and easiest thing you can do right now, even as you're listening to this podcast, is go to your social media feed. So you're on Instagram and look at who you're following. Are you following bodies that don't make you feel good

about yourself or bodies that you look at and you're like, oh, I wish this could be me or like, oh, why can't I look like this? You know, look at what you're consuming. So, cure your social media. Look at all the diversity that's out there because there's amazing diversity or there's amazing offering of bodies out there that have diverse sizes and colors and shapes. It's wonderful. So don't just look at a certain

kind. So, curate that right now. And then, know that again, you're not just one feature. You're the sum of everything. And think about your friends. Like, how would they talk about you? They wouldn't say all the negative things that you're thinking in your head. Because they love you, all of you, they're not just in love with you because you got great eyes or great eyelashes. And so just have that knowledge and then use that to slowly build up your self-esteem. And also know too that even if you're not the shape you want to be, you just survive a pandemic. Like let's frame that right here. Like you just survived a pandemic. So whatever shaped your body took, that's what it needed. So a pause for that.

Right. Exactly. You can change your body. I'm not saying like you can't ever do that. You told me can, but I'd love if you've shipped away from the idea of like form into function. Because a number of skills can tell you anything, you know, but if you love to go hiking or run five K's, you know, that's an object you can work towards. That's a goal you can work towards. Has nothing to do with a number on a scale. Yes, Megan, preach. You talk a lot about like finding signs of a good, like how do you know if someone's a good romantic partner? I think you also mentioned that you were dating a series of people that weren't great for you. High raise your hand if you haven't done that. But then you said that, you know, how, so how do we find if someone's right for us? What are some signs? It's a good romantic part,

versus not. You know, I think it's really great to have this like list in your head of qualities and attributes you're looking for and kind of place them in a hierarchy. So that way you're not seeking out someone who might not be a good fit, but they're like, ah, maybe we'll see. So if you're seeking out a casual connection, make sure you're going forward with that and saying, hey, I'm seeking out a casual connection because if the person you're like going to go out of date with this, like, I'm looking for serious. And that's kind of already a red flag of like, it's not going

to be compatible. Or you're looking for long term and someone's like, I'm looking for something casual. Chances are you're not going to convert them into being like, this is going to be long term. Like, don't just don't set yourself up for failure. You're not gonna convert them. Like that is the sign to walk. They just told you what they want. And so many of our brains go to, oh well, you say you don't have a relationship,

but have you met me? You know, we think we're gonna be the one that changed up. So that does not happen. That's a sign from the universe saying, move on. Yeah. So what about the, what about you talk about being with someone new, some great tips for when you're with a new partner? What to do?

Yeah, and so, you know, you don't know this person. Whether you've been with one person sexually or a hundred people, sexually, you don't know this new person's body. So I think a really fun thing you can do is doing a yet-to-know-maybe list together. Obviously, do them separately, but then come back together and look at where you rank on the different activities. Things that are circled yes awesome. Those are on the table for you to try. Things that are maybe, maybe you

can explore and learn with them and see how those go. And then of course knowing the nose are super important because if they're out in the choking and you suddenly go to choke them, that might be not so great. Right. So you clear all those roadblocks ahead of time. Yeah, we love the yes, no, maybe less. What are your tips for sending nudes? Make sure you get consent first. It could be really spicy to send a nude, but if they're like, whoa, where's this come from? I don't know if it feels, might not be great. But if you are okay with sending nudes, you don't have to send, I don't know, surgical lighting, super bright, full body,

you can do sexy with it. You can be in fully clothing and just like pull to the side a little bit, or maybe just pull your pants down a little bit. Build the anticipation, tease them. You don't have to just suddenly be like, hear the goods, you're welcome. Exactly. Build it up, right? Because that is what're welcome. Exactly. Build it up. Yeah.

Because that is what sexy is what we sense what we don't see. I love that you talk about how do we make new NRE, your new relationship energy last? You're in a relationship. It's great. You're in the honeymoon phase. But how do you continue to make that go the distance? You know, relationships take work.

I think when the NRE starts to wane, we've gotten kind of complacent. So never stop dating your partner. Never stop trying to do new things and keep that energy alive because you can wake up someday and just be like, oh my gosh, like, it's just stagnant. It's like, it's my roommate now.

So if you try to like, mindfully keep that spark alive, you can do it. Yeah, they could take all of these tools, Megan, Stubbs. Well, it's so good to see you. Thank you for being here. I'm going to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. Quicky questions. I'm ready.

What's your biggest turn on? Oh, ice. Biggest turn off. Smokers. What makes good sex? Placleness. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Take your time. What's the number one thing you wish everyone

knew about sex? Sex is for everyone. There's someone out there for you and you deserve to have good sex. Thank you, Megan. Thank you for being here. Congrats on your book and tell me how people can find you. Emily, thank you so much for having me. This was a joy. You can find me at FexalitusMegan.com. And I'm at FexalitusMegan on all the social media handles. Thank you for being here. Congratulations on your book.

Thank you so much. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every lesson to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week.

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