Sex With Emily - Porn Fantasies vs. Sexual Realities

Episode Date: February 14, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about ways to stop building stories in your head and get to the root of what’s holding you back in your sex life. She talks about why you shouldn’t make assumptions about your relationship, all the reasons why porn and sex in movies is not like real authentic sex, and what it really means when your partner says “erotic.” Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Hot Octopus, Third Love, We-Vibe, Good Vibrations, and SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily. For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about ways to stop building stories in your head and get to the root of what's holding you back in your sex life. Topics include, why you shouldn't make assumptions about your relationship and just top to your partner already. All the reasons why porn and sex movies is not like sex in real life. Open relationship jealousy. How do you deal? And what does your partner really mean when they ask you to be more erotic? All this and more, thanks for listening! I call them in a bag on me. Hey, Abelie, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got to understand it.

Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common with all of it? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Abelie's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Ebony. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything between from our information. Check out sexwithemily.com. All the great blogs, we're putting up a lot of great posts, lately, so check those out.

Also, we love when you subscribe and iTunes and comment or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also find me on Series XM Radio, stars channel 109, I'm there Monday through Friday, 5-7PM Pacific, and it's been amazing. You guys should check it out. You can get a free 30-day trial, visit sexwithfamily.com slash SXM.

You can also call in with your questions during the week, tripe 8-9-4-7-8-2-7-7, and also social media at Sex with Emily, Instagram, Twitter, all the places. And Happy Almost Valentine's Day, everyone, if you need some great last-minute Valentine's Day tips, you can also find them on our site in our social media. Thanks, everyone, enjoy the show. All right, guys, happy Wednesday, happy hum day.

Got a lot of people here, great day. So many fun people in the studio, gotten your staff, new people. But I want to talk to you guys tonight about something that's been in my mind and I just want to say this. Something you should know about me. I am not a pusher, meaning I don't make people listen to my show that I'm friends with or my family.

I've never said, hey, did you guys hear the latest episode? Episode 182 or now would be like episode 5,086. I just don't, I don't make that assumption. And also I know we're all busy. So I probably missed your benefit and I didn't go to watch your short film link that you sent me and I probably didn't wish you a happy birthday on Facebook.

Sorry, but happy birthday, really. I'm just not paying attention to everything you're doing. And I'm cool if you're everyone in the world that I know personally isn't listening to the podcast or the radio show on SeriousXM because I know enough of you do and it helps you and you like it and it's changing lives. So I feel good about that.

And, you know, again, with people you love, I'm just not going to say, hey, you should listen to this sex thing. But last night, I got a call from a friend. I got back from dinner. And she called me and it was pretty late. It was like 10 o'clock. And she's like, Emily, you should really talk about couples and connection on your show more.

You should talk about how couples can learn to connect again. Don't just tell me to buy a vibrator and to buy lingerie and do something. I'll give more below jobs to my husband. We've been together 20 years. 15 years, we have three kids, and I just think that you need to talk about that. And I was like, ah, back up. Do you have you listened to the show? Because all I'm thinking is weird. That's not all I talk about. I know that's the perception. She said, okay, well, I've listened to like two

episodes. Oh my God. I think two episodes out of literally 5,000 podcasts and how many we've been doing on Serious since November. We've had a lot of shows, like 10 hours a week. I mean, I can't even add it up right now. You don't even get that many blowjob questions. No, I don't. Exactly. And that's a thing that pissed me off

because I actually last night, we got our first like specific, how do I spice up my blowjob question, which don't get me wrong. We could all stand to learn a new tip or two. But for all the years that I've been talking about, you know, sex and I've had this podcast called Sex with Emily, I understand that it's come with this stigma

of sorts, which is definitely lessened over 14 years, but I think that people, you know, do make assumptions around it. Like, oh, even my mom was like, I tell all my friends, this is, you know, she's a little better now. You have a little bit of relationships. And I think also, you know, maybe go to our website, our website, there are a lot of sex toys and stuff like that.

But it just like pissed me off. I was like, sweetie, listen, I can help you. So she said, well, what about the people like me who have been married and we just never want to have sex with our partners anymore? I mean, I want to know how to want to have sex with them, but I don't think it's more blow jobs. I was like, okay, sweetie, why don't you guys come to my house this weekend, sit on my couch, and I'm going to talk to you guys about how to really, really connect. Like, fine, but I'm not using a rabbit or a squid. A squid? That isn't a squid vibrator, but maybe there could be one day.

You should just be like Oprah. You should be like Oprah. I'm like, I am like the Oprah of sex. She's like, okay, okay. I just, I want to know how to connect. And I just thought people make assumptions around sex, and this has been happening for a really long time. Like when I first started, I remember I'd age

and at the time, and they were like, oh God, sex, Emily, that's a great name. What a great brand. For a really long time like when I first started I remember I'd agent at the time and they were like, oh god Sex Emily, that's a great name. What a great brand. Too bad you're gonna have to change the name Why I was like right. Why and he's like well No one will ever sponsor a show like that and it just you know, it's sex. I mean this is 14 years ago But it turns people off. I was like I'm never changing the name. This is what this show is about So this is where it is. This is what I'm doing.

And I just was really feeling like it's, I know there's so many people that listen to the show every night in series, we have millions listeners of the podcast every month and I thought to myself, God, I really would wish that the people that I am close to, my closest friends, did listen more to it because I know that I could help them.

And of course, if they call me, I'm happy to help. But I thought there still is this barrier around sex and this taboo around sex and then all these assumptions. And you know, assumptions just they really don't serve us in life and in relationships. What's that like old saying about assumptions? You make an ass out of me and you. You and me. You and me. Oh yeah. I assume as you and me, you make, if you assume you make an ass out of you and me. And then I was thinking that, you know, we do this in relationship so much, I get a lot of you call in.

As you might want to do tonight, triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven, and you'll say like declarative statements like, my wife just doesn't like when I go down on her. I'm like, well, how do you know that? Well, because I tried it once or twice at the beginning and she told me she didn't like it. And I'm like, well, how long ago? That was six years ago. So you're still assuming that one time or twice she didn't want it.

Maybe now she does. And this would be a conversation you could have to clear it all up. Because the assumptions when we assume things and then we don't ever address them with our partners, this is when the resentment's built. And then we start resenting our partners for things that aren't even true. You know, like our thoughts are not facts.

Like the things that we think are true are not necessarily facts. Like the only true thing is like in the present moment, having a conversation with your partner and asking them, hey, what's... I've been getting this feeling that you're not into oral, is that true? Let's talk about it, or how can we make it better for you? And so I was just going off on this whole thing last night. I tried to do an Instagram story on it, but it cut off because it was too long.

So I said, you know what I was going to tell everyone tomorrow on the show. I'll tell them all. I was like, I'm a rant. I was like, God damn it. I just wish that everyone could get over whatever it is in their life. That's keeping them from getting the sucks helped that they need. Listen to the show or talk to people or talk to friends.

And I was thinking about this whole notion of like, of just making assumptions. And a cool thing is I remember as a date with a guy, it wasn't a great date, but I did get a good fact from him, a good tip. And he said, you know, in my company, whenever we walk around the office and we start worrying about, like maybe, you know, I assume that my office made his upset with me because I turned on my report late. And like for two weeks, he keeps making eyes at me and I'm saying, oh, God, he's upset

that they go up to him. They say, you know what, buddy, let me check a story. I'm going to check a story with you and I'm curious. I'm getting the sense that my lack of dead meeting the deadline on this report was a problem for you, is it? And then you give your partner or your teammate or someone at work, like the opportunity to check you and say, you know what, that's actually not true. Here's what is true.

Or even if it is true, you can nip it in the bud right there and get to the bottom of it. Exactly, like nip it in the bud. Like, and I was saying about relationship, people are in relationships for so long, 10, 15, 20 years, and I was thinking, I could fast track your divorce in like two years or less. Like, don't waste 20 years in a relationship.

Here's what you need to know. Here's how we can fast track divorces.com because if you don't want 20 years in a relationship. Here's what you need to know. Here's how we can fast track divorces.com because if you don't want to be in a relationship and you've been silently suffering through it, like let me help you figure out if you should stay or you should go. And that could just be a phone call. It could be going to therapy.

The cool thing about therapy, which I often talk about, isn't just because you can get all of your feelings and emotions out, which are important, understand why you have certain issues from childhood. They also help, you know, if you go in a relationship counseling, they can help you guys communicate better, but they fast track it.

Like they fast track all the things that you, all the stumbling blocks and help you realize, like can we take a go with this? Can we move our relationship forward, or should we break up? Because I think that when people fester and these issues, like my friend who called me last night, there was nothing new in her situation. We've been friends for 20 years and the issue she called

me about had been going on for seven. And I'd say every time I talk towards pretty much a version of the same thing. And I've been sweet seven years. Seven years about. They have an great sex. Five, like, never been so happy with the sex life. We always want more. Years. That's a long time. They've been together for 20, right? It's a long time. But that's the one point. I was like, can you guys just fly to LA and sit on my couch for this weekend for like three hours and I'll help you?

So that's, you know, let's all just talk about it. Talk about sex. Call me up with your questions. Talk to your partner about our relationships. And it's not just sex and blow-jump tips that I'm saying. I was like, it's really not. And I thought, got a lot of what we're talking about is actually how to communicate about sex, how to talk to your partner about what you need and what you desire in the relationship, not just sex, but everything. Like, I need to feel seen by you. I need to feel more loved by you. This is what it would look like for me to feel safe

in the relationship. If you did A, B or C for me, if you often planned dinners more or you came up and work a little bit earlier, we had a date night, that would make me feel like our relationship had the longevity or it would make me feel safe and loved. All right guys, we're gonna take a quick break

and we come back, we're gonna get into your calls. Alright, we have Nate, 30 in New Jersey and he's got a porn question. Alright, hey Nate. Hi, I'm Leroy. Great. What's going on Nate? Oh, okay Monday. No, I didn't do enough research on this. That's why I'm calling you.

I just wanted to know, you know, this could obviously get in the way of many relationships. How authentic is porn? Meaning, you know, I can't get anal to, you know, to save my life. She never wants to do it. These girls on porn, they're getting like two pieces at one. Oh God, that's so neat. They're like swallowing, they're swallowing calm, like it's soda. It's not real calm, by the way. Okay, so Nate, this is my favorite question.

I'm so glad you asked this question because you have to remember this. That porn, there's nothing in it that's real. Like literally it's not real. It is script, it's entertainment, it's created, you know, for men's enjoyment, for men's pleasure. This is why sex is really messed up right now. And you know me, I'm always like, porn's cool if you're in a relationship or on your own. If it turns you on, that's great.

But porn should never ever ever be taken, like technically how you should learn how to have sex. So that's where I come in. That's where some great books out there and you could read about it. No, porn, women don't all of anal at all. When you see all that jack, whatever, she's swallowing pounds of semen and it's all fake. It's not real semen, it's all props. Yeah, really, really.

I'm not saying some of it's not real. I'm telling you, we should probably get some more porn stars on the show. It's been a while. They will tell you. So it's great they get turned on by it, but I don't want you to be disappointed by the women that you're with, Nate, because they're not acting

like the girls in porn, because those women are paid at actresses. They get paid to do certain things and to do certain moves, but it's not real. Okay, thank you so much. Yeah, you're so welcome. Bye Nate. Thanks for calling. Hey, the burst is bubbly.

Sounded kind of bummed. But, right? No, you did. Yeah, I thought when I'd sex the one-rated woman over, she'd show up with six friends and there'd be an orgy. I feel like Nate. Brought up a really interesting topic. I like it. Nate just called and Nate brought up a really interesting topic. I like it.

Nate just called and he brought up a really interesting topic. He wants to know if porn is real. Like, do women really love drinking super sized gulps of semen? It's the new flavor at 7-11. Right. Oh god. I mean, some women like,

I'm gonna enjoy all different kinds of things, but not the gallons and gallons you see in porn. And I can tell you that not all semen that you see important is actually we all see them. It's like fake blood in the movies, you know? I think you just bore so many people's minds with that. I know, people assume that everyone is having a real orgasm important.

I mean, maybe they think, I understand why people would think that. They do a good job at making it seem like that. Right, it seems just like an orgasm. So shout out to the production guy. Shout out, good production value, but not real life. Like that's what I always say when people grow up watching porn and that's all, that's how you've learned about sex or you've watched it on TV, this is what we're trying to unlearn

all the things that you are in air quotes learning from porn. I think porn is great for titillation, for inspiring, for figuring out maybe what turns you on, or fantasies, or maybe what you don't like. But I really, really think we need more realistic sex on TV and in film. Even if you're not watching porn, I believe that we've all gotten so used to the way

we see sex portrayed in movies and television. And it's like two people get into bed. Maybe they make out for a second and they like, they fall into bed as the sun setting. The beds perfectly made and they get there and there's no for play. Like you never see for play in movies are like awkward taking off the clothes. Or maybe if you do that, it cuts right to the post scene where they're both like having orgasms in unison or something. But we don't see all of the, what goes into sex or the fumbling for a condom or getting

loo, or you know, you just really see two people like exploding and ecstasy. And I just think that I know that I didn't go up watching a lot of porn, but I thought in movies like Woman gets on top or man on bottom, the penis goes in, but we're talking about hetero sex here. And there's an explosive orgasm and that there's something wrong with me, probably because I'm not having an orgasm

just through intercourse. Like most women. Yeah, even with like same sex. Same sex, something to be there. Yes. Because there's this show that I absolutely love called Queer's Folk. Yes.

I love that show. It's so good. And there's a lot of really hot sex scenes in there, but I never see any Lou by never see any condoms. It's all like, it's just so fast and so quick. I'm just like, there's no way that he just stuck it in. Exactly.

Without any news. Warm up, right? Exactly. It's true. And all kinds of sex. And I understand that there's limits on television. And there's limits in movies too. I understand that.

But it would be really cool if you could just, if someone could show just an accurate, accurate portrayal of what happens. Like you fumble and things don't always work or sometimes you're not turned on and your partner is or like it just takes a while to get warmed up. Yeah, I think it's a women can't orgasm right away. I think it's like cop out when they're like,

oh, there's not enough time to show all that. I think that's a cop out. They can at least show a couple seconds of it. Show a couple seconds. They can show a couple seconds of the penetration. They can show some other stuff. I feel like there's been a little bit more oral like from going back going down on women

or whoever going down on women in recent, you know, years but I just don't think it's it's you know realistic. I think that um I Believe that it's just that yeah, it's the you know Just thrusting of the penis and woman explodes, but I think that you can do it right. There are ways they've done it right and television lately Yeah, like in in love at least they, at least they use the magic wand. Right, I love love. I love love. That's what you could do to show on Netflix.

And yeah, she pulls out the magic wand. And you know what I love about that scene? There's a scene where they're having set, yeah, when they're together and she just pulls out the magic wand without any weirdness. It might have been the first time they had sex, I think. It was a very early on scene, just like, yep, I'm using my toy,

which is just how I wish that I love that. Like that women, a lot of women, I'll remind you, maybe we even talked about this today. Maybe even the new year, that only 20% of women orgasm during intercourse alone, because no fault of the penis or fault of whatever else isn't being inserted, it's because we lack literal stimulation.

We just don't get enough literal stimulation or warm up. So if you can do that, if they could show that movie is a warm up or play. There's this movie you should watch called Sleeping with Other People. That's also a Netflix. And they do have a couple scenes one. There's a scene of the main dude

And he's having sex with this chick and they're going at it like all over the place all over the room. It's crazy And again in between that they showed so many different scenes yet they didn't show any for play I'm just saying that's a part where they could have slipped it in no pun intended And afterwards he's like, oh, that was amazing like how is it for you? She's like, yeah He's like, well, did you did you work as him? She's like, well, no, amazing. Like, how was it for you? She's like, oh, yeah. He's like, did you work at them? She's like, well, no, but I don't really orgasm from sex. They don't take it personally. And it was such a real moment though.

Like that movement in of itself is so real. Because she's like, don't take it personally. It's just that's what it is. And then there's another scene later where the main chick is having sex with someone else. And she's like teaching him like how to like touch the clitoris. And it's like, she has like this amazing orgasm. And it's like, see, that's someone else and she's like teaching him like how to like touch the clitoris and it's like she has like this amazing orgasm and it's like see that's why right when you teach it right exactly that's why it's the clitoris and I think

that that isn't that funny that that's a revolutionary that a woman laid over and said oh no I don't come through penetration like we never see that but only 20% of women do but yet since the beginning of time that's all we've ever seen I want to see more of that. More claddle stimulation. Yeah or like talking more realistic sex. If there's ever a scene not always but for most people I want to assume if there's ever a scene in a movie where the guy's about to go down on her and she's like no I just want you inside that's not. Realistic because I would weigh rather you go down on me than just you stick your penis in.

Well again I think it goes into being pleasers and not wanting to speak up for what we really want and bad for men and for women. I think that we're so afraid of the rejection in our partners saying like, we're running away screaming because we asked for something we want. This is going to be the, this is going to be the huge change that we're going to see. So thank you, everyone, for listening and supporting the show and calling and telling your friends that listen to that eventually. Like, very soon

I think we're coming to this place where we're going to realize that like it's not what we've been told in porn or in movies or on television And I think the more that people speak up women and men about what they really want in a loving way That because your partner is like your partner is not a bad Lover if you've never told them they're probably not even anyway if you've never told them what you truly want if you've never told them, they're probably not even anyway. If you've never told them what you truly want, if you've never had that conversation ever about like what actually feels good to you and even if that conversation goes something like, you know, I'm not really sure what I like. I know that penetration doesn't do it for me.

Let's figure it out together. How great with that, babe. Mm-hmm. But what like, let's figure it out. It's, you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you if you're not having pleasure. The way you've seen it on television. Or the way you expect in your mind you should be having a pleasure. Let's talk to Mia.

She's 37 in California and she said her husband wants her to be more erotic, but she doesn't know how. Okay. Let's talk about it. Hey Mia. Hi Emily. Hi. Tell me let's talk about it. Hey Mia. Hi Emily. Hi. Tell me what's going on.

So, been married for about seven years and the other day after having sex, my husband checked me and said, thank you for my wonderful sex and it was so erotic but I don't find it that it was erotic but I think maybe he is hinting that he wants to have me go to that level of erotic but I don't even know where to start without staring him or googling him. Well wait, okay so Mia so he said to you thanks that sex, it was so erotic. And then you read it as a secret message where he didn't really mean that sex was erotic, that you should be more erotic. Yes, because that's a word we've never used in our Texas.

Oh. So erotic, I mean, here's a thing. First of all, no, it's such a good question, Mia. And so that's interesting to me to use that word. You guys have been together. You said seven years. And he's never, and he's never said it. So you got to go back and say, tell me what, what was it that was so hot about it?

I mean, yes, I loved having a sex with you, but what stuck out for you as erotic? And then have them tell you. And so that's one thing, just to find out what he means by that. But erotic means something that really, it's just like talking about kink, you kind of get to decide for yourself, what is erotic, but erotic can be kissing

the way that you guys maybe you kiss differently. Maybe you slowly took his clothes off or went down on him or you talked dirty. That could be erotic for people. Usually it's when I like to think of it as things going a little bit like maybe slower or a little bit more like dirty talk or something. I mean, was there anything different about that one time that you remember. Well, I even, I actually thought he was being more aggressive and erotic because he has been working out and he lost about 20 pounds. So he felt more like intuitive and passionate because he haven't done that in a while.

So I'm thinking maybe he felt erotic and he used the word erotic. Yeah, I think that's exactly what it probably was. He probably feels like really good in his body and he was rougher or to control. And how did you feel about it? Yeah, did you think you would hide it? I was like a new guy. See, that's amazing. So Mia, that's to him, that's erotic.

So to you, do you have any fantas fantasies or anything that you've been to that maybe you haven't tried yet? Oh, definitely. Yes, the whole handcuffs kind of thing. It's stuff like that, we've talked about it, but I think it might be a good time to bring it up. Yeah, I mean, Mia, this is so great because I think it sounds like he's ready.

He's like, oh my god, that was so hot. So what I love about this is like, this is, you know, the conversation's almost already started. Say, yeah, that was a Rodic, or tell me what was the most erotic part for you. And then you could say, we've talked about handcuffs, you know, and then you guys could go shopping together. And that's so fun.

You guys could go to a sex toy store near you, you're in California, I don't know where you are exactly, but like there's a lot of great stores here. You could, you know, go to our website, if you want to shop online, and then you order cuffs, and it's really fun to get those in the mail and then play with them, get some blindfolds, get some massage candles. Massage candles to me are super erotic because you can each give each other a massage, the regular candles, you blow them out, they pour them on your partner, it's like oil,

that's not waxier hot it means amazing so to me this is exciting and i don't think it's a matter of you guys getting out what erotic means to both of you yes the other night you were talking about uh... ask your spout or your partner three questions or these questions about uh... sex but not in bed and i think it was something to the extreme of what is your fantasy or a desire so we can

open that conversation. Yes, exactly. That's what you should... Yeah, what is your fantasy, what's your turn on, what are three things that you want to try, you know, that... What are three things that you've been fantasizing about? It's like a sexual bucket list. You guys can each write three things down in the exchange it,

and then you get to prioritize it, and then you're like Saturday night cup, we're doing the cuffs. Then we're going to watch Rita Roddicka together in the bathtub. Then we're going to give you a massage with a candle and then ice cube. We're going from hot to cold. You guys get to decide together. I know the conversation seems like,

oh, how do I have it? But really, it's just like, yeah, that was erotic. And let's do this, too, or let's talk about sex. And then you're gonna just the whole world get open up for you, your whole sexual world. Thank you so much. You're so nice. Why not?

No, Mia, why not? Your husband is getting hotter. I love it. Keep it going and keep me posted. Thank you. Okay, you're so welcome. Thanks, Mia. Thanks for calling. Okay, we're going to talk to Brian, who's 29 in Canada and he has an open relationship question.

All right. Hey, Brian, thanks for calling. Hey, Emily, how's it going? Great. Tell me what's going on. Well, so me and my fiance have been together for eight years and recently decided to open up their relationship. And we talked about it for months and months and made rules and did all the things you're supposed to do. Right.

And now when it's getting down to the nitty gritty, we decided to try to begin to go on dates on the same night. Okay, that makes sense. Trying to balance it out and get used to things. And now, of course, tonight, when we are supposed to both go on a date and mine cancels. Oh, I'm at home. Brian! And no backup plans, and it's tough. Oh, Brian, I'm with you right now. I'm feeling you. That's hard. Yeah, so I was just I mean and you know I trust her and we have rules and boundaries and I don't I don't think she's gonna go past those or anything

It's just hard to let your mind your mind wanders and and all that kind of stuff, right? Right, right. Well, I think this is a great. Yeah, no, thanks for calling because we're here for you I feel like I wish we could hang out with you all night just till she comes home So you don't let your mind wander. I wish I could do that, Brian. That is a tricky one. Well, it's been the all night. Okay, good.

No, but Brian, this is gonna be, you know, this is gonna give you some time to sit and think about it. And I, but I also think, you know, the more you could like keep yourself busy tonight, do some things you want to do, watch some movies, watch television and not let your mind go to the negative places. So, you know, what are your, I guess it's important to think about what are your plans for when she comes home?

Right, that's another thing that gives me anxiety, right? So when she comes home and I'm like, okay, what happened? And then she says, oh, XYZ and then I go, oh, why didn't you do any of that stuff? Does she know your date canceled? Yeah. Okay. So what are your boundaries? Do you have boundaries like. OK. So what are your boundaries? Did you have boundaries like against,

what are the boundaries? Could she have sex tonight? And her question. Oh, boundaries are like no penetrative sex. OK. Yeah, but everything else was kind of fair game. And tonight was kind of the night where we had been on a few, whatever week dates and some other kind of little days

before, but tonight was kind of like the night where we were going to go and and stay out on night type of thing. Right. Oh God. Brian, I'm just killing me right now. Well, just know that your time is going to come. Like you'll have a date next week or it'll happen but right now I think it's right now you're in that jealousy fate. You're like, she's out and how am I going to react? But the truth is, even if you went outside Brian, you're in that jealousy fate. You're like, she's out and how I'm gonna react,

but the truth is, even if you went outside Brian, you could have gone out with someone and there wasn't this woman who canceled, but let's say you went out and there wasn't a connection, but she came home and she had this amazing night, amazing connection and she can't wait to see this guy again. So this is actually, maybe this is a good thing because this is gonna happen anyway.

Like that could have totally happened and you might have come home and had a bad date and that could suck too. So I think that there might be a way just to ask her calmly, like how is her night? And maybe there's a way to let that information turn you on. Maybe it could be some fuel that actually gets you around when she's telling you about what happened.

That, you know, that's one thing. You could, you know, I think that just, you don't want to blow this out of the water because your date, the thing is you don't want to, you guys have done all the right things. It sounds like you've said the boundaries, the rules, you've talked about it, you went slow and had dates during the week. Truly, the only bummer is that tonight your date canceled, but that doesn't mean that you're whole, you have to throw out the entire open relationship plan because of this one, you know, snafu. Of course.

So I think either you could. It's a hard sin here. I know. What could you do tonight? Is there anything like watch some movies? I'll be out for another. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good test though, right?

It's a good test of, you know, we're doing the right thing is we did the right things. And there's going to be other times where her date canceled or I don't have a date. This is what I'm saying. And as it evolves we're planning on hopefully doing it for the long term. So I mean it's uh it's just it's a really good test. Yeah it's throwing it exactly it. This is a test. This was going to happen anyway and that's why you guys just continue to talk about and a lot of people in open relationships have a lot of bumps in the road early on.

And so I think that that's where you do the learning. And then after a few months or a few years, they're like, oh yeah, we got over that. We worked through all the kinks. So I just think it's a great test. And it sounds like you've been there for eight years. She knows you. She probably knows what you can handle.

And I think that the biggest thing is a little bit of foam over right now. But just don't let this disappointment. You know when something happens, I just try to think of like biggest thing is a little bit of foam over right now, but just don't let this disappointment. You know when something happens, I just try to think of when you miss a flight and you're really excited for a trip and then you miss a flight and then you know all your friends are somewhere that you're supposed to be there and it's really painful because you just can't,

you know what I mean, you can't stop it, but you miss a, you miss missing a party or yeah. So that's all it is. Like this isn't isolated for a few more hours incident or maybe she'll be out tonight, I don't know, but it's not, it doesn't let this ruin the entire foundation that you guys have laid out for you. So as long as you keep your head in this game, and I'll be here with you for another hour. So okay, let me know how it goes.

Call me back on Monday. You're going to be fine with this Friday. Thanks, Emily. Be strong. Thanks, Brian. Thanks for calling. Thanks, Emily. Thanks, everyone, for listening into my amazing team.

Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Eat, Melanie. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you