Sex With Emily - Porn Positive & Partner Pleasing

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

On today’s show, Emily sits down with friend and fellow sex educator Elle Chase to talk about Tumblr’s ban on adult content – and taking your calls & answering emails, of course. She gives you ways to talk to a partner – casual or serious – about what you want in the bedroom, why you should never trick your partner in bed – even if it’s for their pleasure, and what to do when your fresh out of places to get busy. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Hot Octopuss, Just Fab, Karezza & Sirius   Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Check out even more Sex With Emily on SiriusXMStars 109 Mon-Fri 5-7pm PST! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I sit down with my friend and fellow sex educator, Elle Chase, to talk about Tumblr's ban on adult content. And I'm taking your calls and answering emails. Topics include, How to Talk to a Partner, Casual, or Serious about what you want in the bedroom. Why you should never trick your partner in bed even if it's for their pleasure. Ways to figure out how to go down on your partner because hey everyone likes something different, and what to do when you're fresh out of places to get busy. All this and more, thanks for listening. Our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a fight on me Hey Evelyn, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kinda cute The girls gotta understand Oh my The women know about shrinkage Isn't it common, what do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk Being bad feels pretty good But you know Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithamely.com. You can also find the podcast and subscribe. We love when you guys subscribe and iTunes or wherever you listen.

It totally helps the show. And you know they're everywhere now Spotify Google Play I heart radio check me out on serious XM radio stars channel one on I'm I'm there Monday through Friday Five to seven Pacific eight to ten East you guys this has been such an exciting time in my life. I'm loving it It's literally 10 hours a week answering your calls. So It's amazing if you want a free 30 day trial and you don't have serious, it's sexathemly.com slash SXM or you guys, I don't care, call in. Triple 8, 947, 827, 7, even if you don't have serious, call me. I'm there for you.

This podcast, I hope you enjoyed. It's my favorite moments from my weekend series. I think you're going to love it. And find me in all social media. At Sex Family Across the Board. Sex Educator, Sex Pioneer, L-Chase is here. And she's the author of Curvy Girl Sex. And she's the creator of Lady Cheeky, which is what we're actually here to talk about. If you haven't heard of Lady Cheeky, it's a site that my friend L-Created on Tumblr.

Tumblr is known for its porn sites that are actually geared towards women. What women find hot, what women find sexy. L has been responsible for so many goddamn amazing orgasms for women and for men. Like she has figured out what a lot of women find hot and sexy. It's a really important site. I mean, it is important, L, you've done. It's an important site. Now, Tumblr, there's a whole thing going out with Tumblr. It's been all over the news. They're shutting it down adult content now with Tumblr.

Yeah, they are. On December 17th, there will no longer be allowed any sort of adult content, whatsoever, and no female presenting nipples, either for some reason. Nipples. Female presenting nipples. At any rate, I started Lady Nipples. That's my female presenting. Nipples. At any rate, I started LadyChicky.com years ago, I had left a sexless marriage and I didn't know what I wanted sexually. Someone I was seeing sent me Tumblr links and I found what turned me on by looking at other curated pages of erotic photos.

You know, sure, you can find hardcore porn anywhere and Tumblr is no different, but it's also a fantastic space to be able to curate pictures that speak to yourself to your own sense of sensuality. So I found that and I started re-blogging them on my site and eight years later I have over 200,000 Tumblr followers alone and I get letters all the time from women that say thank you so much for having Lady Cheeky because I can look at it with my partner, I can look at a loan, get a roused,

I found out what I I gear myself toward, what I like, because it's all different kinds of things. It's very female pleasure centric. It is, and you guys, and this isn't just little thing. She's got 200,000 hours, but millions of hits a month and Cosmo voted it, Cosmo magazine voted the top porn type for women.

Top porn, sorry for women. Right, and so it really is, you guys, I go there and like, I'll send things to my guy. I'll be like, hey, this is how, this you guys, like I go there and like I'll send things to my guy. I'll be like, Hey, this is how this is how she just knows and she curates it. It's a very like provocative evocative site. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, that's what I want. How the hell did El know?

So let's go back to something for a moment. What you said, because now I'm thinking about all the listeners. So you've been sitting here. El lives in LA. She's here with me in the studio and you've been listening to last few callers. Married for 20 years, sexless, that mismatched sex drives. How do we get that spark pack? What do we do?

I'm also talking to women about what turns them on, and you were in a similar situation. I was in a similar situation. I mean, I think when it comes down to sex, there's a reason why you're not having sex anymore. Whatever kind of sex you're having in the beginning of your relationship, that you can recapture from the women I've spoken to as a sex educator and as a curator of pornography. You know, women do have a innate need. Most women have an innate need to express themselves sexually. And they have been sort of, we've been as women sort of put in the back corner when it comes to our sexuality.

We're taught that we shouldn't present so sexually because that's slutty. And if we don't present sexually, then we're frigid. So it's a complicated world to be in as a woman who wants to own her sexuality or find out what she likes sexually. I mean, it's really complicated. So the interesting thing I was thinking is that you're married 20 years, it didn't work out, and then you're like, okay, I want to find what turned myself on.

So like, when so many women are calling, like, I don't know or men, like, I'm trying to help my wife. Where would you suggest people start? Like, what first turned you on? Like, what was it about when you were on Tumblr and then you did, do you remember what it was? Yeah. It was a very sensual photo of connection between two people. Like, you know when you're looking at something

and you can feel what they're feeling. And it's, I don't know why, it's the photographer, it's the people in the photo, but you can actually feel, it's not just acting, you can feel something in there. And these people are having a sensual experience. Yeah, and that's what all of the images have done. I get it. So that's what all of the images have done. I get it.

Yeah. So that's what it was, and then in your own. And then how would you, how did that help your actual sex life? Like when you explain to people to look at images, because I'm always saying, find what really speaks to you, and really turn you on. Well, and then what would that do? Because then you went on and have other lovers. Well, I was interested because I had never had enjoyable sex before, ever, not even in my marriage.

And so there was something inside me that was like, I've got to have passion. And so I would scroll through these pictures and the ones that were attractive to me were these sensual ones where there's a really good connection and a passion. Like that kind of passion that you just want to touch somebody. Like there is a gift on my site a couple weeks ago.

It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life. It is a woman sitting down and her partner comes up behind her and starts kissing her neck. And it is. I already feel like. Yeah, I know. I'm already ready to go. So, and there's no nudity. There's nothing. And it is I already yeah, I know like I'm already ready to go so

And there's no nudity. There's there's nothing It's just this sensual experience and you see how much she's enjoying it and what's going through her mind You can almost read what's going through her mind as he's as he is Devouring her neck and if he wasn't like going at it like you know Like a lion to you know meat or it was that sensual kissing That is and then why do you think like? It's so hard like you sure I think a lot of us in the room here I'll be listening we can not relate to that like I don't you know, and I think we even had a meme like on our Instagram like You know if you kiss my neck. I'm not responsible

What next and it's just that's what reminds me of it's like, but why? It's so hard to explain because like, because you said you start out saying it's very smart. Every woman wants to be sexual, but we're, have such confusing messages, but we just, I want to unleash them into this. Why can't we explain it to our partner? Well, I think everyone really wants to feel desired. I mean, really think about that. And even in a non-sexual way, think about being desired. You go to work. In a way, you want to feel desired. I mean, really think about that. Even in a non-sexual way, think about being desired.

You go to work in a way you want to be desired. You want people to react to you favorably and be, you know, that's people with charisma are desired. When you're with your significant other or your one-night stand or whatever, desire is the driving force between the two of you. And so if you can get that desire back somehow, maybe by looking at porn together and getting aroused, the arousal process, I think, is very, very important.

Exactly. Let's talk more about that, like that process that we get in also for men and women, we get turned on very, very differently. Yes. There are, I think that a rousal is not given it's due enough, because especially with the phone calls that we're coming in, I felt awful for these people calling in, but if you break it down into their elements, I think that giving yourself time to get aroused,

talking to your partner about just the arousal process. Like, can we just work on arousing each other? We don't have to have sex, but just touching each other in a desirous way, or making me feel desired. I can make you feel desired. How does that happen? Exactly.

Because that, from that will come sex. I mean, sex takes no time at all. It's, you know, six minutes. It's, yeah. There you go. There you go. But the arousal is the part, the kissing, the making out, the touching, the foreplay,

all that stuff that goes. Oh, that stuff. So early on. And the enjoyment, I mean, you know, want to know why most heterosexual men like to watch blowjob videos is because the actresses in those videos are acting like they are really enjoying it.

And that's they, you know, of course, because we all want to please our partners. It's hard to understand sometimes, but that's what really gives them pleasure. Exactly. So let's talk about them. So what Tumblr, what Lady Cheeky does, and so everyone should check it out, ladychickey.com, and sign up for her mailing list because it's not going away forever. Like I have to go, but I have to be somewhere,

because I want to explain to you because I always send people there. Like what is the difference, I've never seen that, the between Lady Cheeky and like a mainstream porn. Like that, because when you're saying they love the blow jobs, that's because their partner's seeing, looks looking turn on.

So when women are looking at that, we're seeing our partner's desires of, it's a similar thing that we wouldn't see if we turn on porn hub. I wouldn't see it. I would see a woman really enjoying a blow job. Right. I think, well, because mainstream porn is so out there and is so available on different sites for free, that is what most heterosexual men go to.

And it's not real desire most of the time. It's actors. These are professionals. They're in certain positions that are for the camera. This isn't real life. And so what Tumblr lets you do is find porn that you see yourself in. So I will post porn sometimes of people I try and do it as often as possible with quote unquote imperfect bodies. I will also put all types and shapes. All body types, all shapes and sizes,

all different abilities. I mean, if I could find more beautiful disability porn, I would, because there are some really hot pictures and everyone should be able to see themselves in the sexuality that they want to inhabit. Well, this is what SoSat about Tumblr now with their new laws in place, their new regulations starting in December 17th, like Tumblr really is one of the only place where people can find porn for them. Yes, for everyone. It's true, because it's a social media. The social media aspect of it's really important, because just like Twitter, you can repost things and you can do all of those, you know, you can have a community. Tumblers, social media, a portion of their platform, it lets people take from your curated site and maybe curate their own. Maybe they want to put pictures of themselves on.

Maybe they want to investigate something that they think is taboo. This is a great place for it. These are all things that we could do on Tumblr and it was an easy platform. You didn't need to know anything about the computer barely. And there's just something for everybody and you can make your own site that has a little bit of whatever your taste is. Right. Yeah. It's really going to be missed. So now you think that because I also know we get this on our Facebook page on our M Instagram I mean Instagram. Yeah, and Facebook, but it seems like and we the standards have been getting a lot You know tighter lately and more regulated like we'll get posted down that are ridiculous like Facebook

It's like so yeah, but it seemed like That Tumblr is like, you know the only platform that it was acceptable. It's, well, you're absolutely right. I mean, Facebook just said that you can't even have sexual words having to do with anything to do with sex that would even smell of something that was solicitation. So as a sex educator, if I wanna have a class on consent in schools and it says sex educator under my name, I doubt that that would even... I can't advertise my class.

We can't advertise X-Semilian on Facebook. No, it's a real shame. It's a real shame and I think this happened after Cestafosta was passed the anti-trafficking law that's just written so poorly. Right, exactly. That it really throws the baby out with the bath water. It makes me feel like Tumblr, I mean, there are smart people, smarter than you and me, that can figure out the whole computer thing. And I find it very hard to believe that you can't find an algorithm that is going to be able to sus out the harmful

like the child porn. They say it was but for child porn, which is horrible. Yeah, of course they should take that down, but they were saying now they have just wipe all nudity and then saying yeah, they can't really find the right ways to algorithms. They're just like, oh, that was a chicken, not a naked body. Yeah, we took that down, sorry about that.

I mean, I've posted things on Instagram that are completely safe for work and they've taken it down. Yeah, that happened to us too. We posted something on Facebook that last year we posted it. And this year we reposted it. It was a blog that it was about sexy gadgets for guys.

So basically a gift guide for, you know, penises and prostate. And we had reposted, we added some things to the list, reposted it, updated it. But we had changed the title from sexy gadgets for guys to sexy gadgets for penises and prostate, just to be a little bit more inclusive in that. And I posted it and it was fine. And then I refreshed the page like a few minutes later and it was gone and I was like, where did it go? Yeah. So I changed the title back and I reposted it and refreshed

and then both posts were there. Yeah. And then I was like, okay. So. And what's going on? I mean, I just thought thought it's freedom of speech. I know. So it's sex is a part of life.

So is a penis and a prostate. It's not like you're calling it a cock. It's not like you're calling it a ball sack. It's not like anything that can be construed as slaying. These are actual anatomical body parts. Yeah, man, it's that 2019. We, you know, here I am in serious exam. I'm getting to talk about sex every night. Thank God for serious exams. Yes 2019, we, you know, here I am in serious exam, getting to talk about sex every night.

Thank God for serious exams. Yes. And everyone, you know, you could still follow Elb. Elb, here's my question for you. After eight years of curating, one of the most, I mean, congratulations, first of all. Thank you. You have been a pioneer in the space and a lot,

but the fact that you create, like, just from your own heart, loins, if you will, what it felt good to you. And it's such a, you know, success. But what do you think you actually learned about sexuality in the last eight years? Like maybe it's a weakened in part to people that are like in this place where they're like, I don't know what turns me on or why are we struggling?

Or like, what else is that women? Well, or men too, what you think we do. For me, it changed, it completely changed my life because I was in the entertainment industry before and I started Lady Chiki and I'm a sex educator now. That's all I want to do with my life. So it's because I realized how disconnected I was from my sexuality, and what we are doing

by taking away sexual content, adult content from Tumblr, is we're telling women, we're telling people who are in marginalized communities, the LGBTQIA communities, that they don't matter, that their sexuality isn't real, and that they shouldn't have a space to express their healthy sexuality. And it makes me sad because it's you know it's it we are 2018 going 2019 and you just think by now People would have you know I'm really sorry this is happening

So I want everyone to go support and check out our site lady cheeky.com But my other question is that how do you think you got reconnected like it was porn but masturbation? Like what were the tools? I was never ever connected. Okay, it was porn, but masturbation. Like, what were the tools that we learned from? I was even ever connected. Okay, so you were never connected. I was never connected. And you were, I was going through the motions. I was 39.

I was 39, 40, something like that. And I didn't understand why sex was a big deal. Right, okay, so like, let's tell me, and then the step wise, lady, cheeky bit, and you start to masturbate more, you started to. I started dating somebody, long distance, and I started masturbating more.

And he was sort of telling me about toys, and so I got some toys, and then I just started, and so I was so disconnected from my body, I just started touching myself, even the non-sexual places, just very slowly, just to see how I like to be touched because I had no idea. And as I did that, I was like, oh, so the inside of my wrists are really sensitive.

And then my imagination just started going. And the more I touched my body, the more I discovered what pleased me, the more I was able to accept it and get more excited about it. Like I was like a teenager. And it all comes back to it. So that's the thing, we're not doing like earlier when you called it. I think it was Joe, my wife's sex drive, it's gone.

She's 31, it's gone. And it's like, there is hope, like that's why we say to you guys, it takes work, but I'm trying to, I want you guys to understand that like, it's not a stab or figure, it's gone. And it's like, there is hope. That's why we say to you guys, it takes work, but I'm trying to, I want you guys to understand that, like, it's not a sabre figure, it's not just buying a vibrator, it's not talking dirty for a night. It's a process.

And you have to want to do it. It's like, it's a steady shape. Yeah, that's what sex is, you guys. It's a whole other field, like eating a healthy, staying in shape, your religion, and you go to church every Sunday. Sex is the same if you want it to be healthy. It's something that you have to look at in a healthy way

and communicate to yourself what you feel is good without shame and blame and get rid of all that stuff you grew up with or whatever was telling you it was bad because that could be what's keeping you back and really getting into it for yourself and for your partner. Like this is a job that you we all have. It's not, it's a fun one. It is a fun one.

It is a fun one. Not an astrophate, okay? Don't get mad. Don't get mad. Yeah, this can all be fun stuff. I mean, listen, if you don't have a sex drive, they're absolutely, as you know, Emily can be medication.

Oh yeah. It could be hormones. It could be many different things. Trauma, sexual abuse could be all those things. But regardless of what it is, you have to be 100% in it to want to change yourself. Because no one else, no partner is going to be able to talk you into it. Or if they can, it's not going to be what you want. Right. That's right. And you don't want that. So when people are calling you think, how do I get my partner to blame? There's no getting your part. Right. I mean,

Ellen, I have both said we talk about this stuff. I love it. I have an friend here. Yes. That sucks all the time. And she's here. Yeah. Like, you can't get it. It's not. No. And they're not giving you an orgasm either. No. Like, you've probably, if they are, it's because you've explained to them what you need. And then they're like, given it because you, you, you, you write, you know your body because you know your body and you guys have to work together. So it doesn't mean you don't call with your questions because I want to help you facilitate this.

I'm here for you. But it's just getting that content that you it's two of you in a relationship have to want to work on it. So what do you say to the people who also are a part of this won't? He's just shut down. He's done. He never wants to act again. You know, I hear this, it's hard if someone just has all this background stuff and they've

never looked. Well, if you've done everything that you've been telling people to do, which is have that conversation outside of the bedroom, and you know, make a compliment sandwich, you know, I love when you do this. And I love all the things you do for us as a family, as a partner, but I really feel like I want to connect to you more intimately and really, really just be intimate and connect with you. And I feel like for me that is having sex.

And what can we do that you'll enjoy and that will make you comfortable to facilitate that. And we don't have to have sex right away. We can just, we can cut what makes you feel close to me and connect it. Well, that's why I love Lady Chiquita. We're just thinking this when you're explaining the kissing scene, like I'm like, oh my God, the kissing neck.

I'm like, what time are we done here? And then I want to go look at it. Is that it was interesting, because when you're talking, I was like, that's it. It's that when we think about sex, we think about intercourse. We just do. That's how we were raised.

We watched on TV. Think of the penis went into the vagina. And then there was an explosion. That wasn't real, probably. But we're gonna have to. But it's this four-play, the teasing, that that's what I learned from your side. And what I get to arouse by is just the way

they're touching that sensuality. And I'm not telling like, if some people are listening, rolling your eyes back, like, yeah, you want flowers and romance, it's sensuality and that's, and I'm not telling like if some people are listening rolling your eyes back, oh yeah, you want flowers and romance, it's sensuality that feels good to both of you. Yeah, think about it this way. When you're growing up and you know nothing about any of this and you go to the movies or you go watch TV,

any sort of sexual content that you see is all to drive the story forward and they don't spend any time on how much foreplay needs to go into it. And so sex really is, to me at least, it's all everything else. Because the penetrative stuff is like big deal. Yeah, we could like take it. I mean, honestly, some people, I take it or leave it, like we don't have orgasm mister that way. We want the connection of a partner, don't get me wrong

But if I could do one thing on the planet is it expanding everybody's mind of what you how you think of sex That it's so expansive and it could be like a great make-out sash massage kissing the neck Okay, we are going to take a quick break and we come back onto your questions Okay, we're going to help Victoria, who's 47 in Massachusetts, how she can have more open conversations about sex with her partner. All right. in my call. Of course. So here's my question. I feel like first of all, thank you because I feel like you've totally helped me like embrace my sexuality and your one big thing that I've learned is basically like, okay, men masturbate all the time and women don't want me to fight. Right. Hey, but my brain works myself self-war often is probably a huge benefit to that.

Yeah, Victoria. Yes. So glad. But my question to you is that you, I think you did a great job about how to frame conversations with your partner about how to be intimate. And I think of myself in my own sort of inability to have those conversations. So my question is sort of twofold.

One is that, is that common? It might, it might be minority or the majority. You are in the majority. No one talks about sex. No one feels comfortable. When I say no one, I'm gonna tell you the majority. You are in the majority. No one talks about sex. No one feels comfortable. When I say no one, I'm going to tell you the majority of people do not know how to talk about sex. Never talk about it and are struggling just like you.

That's why I have a job. It's alright. It takes it to skill. Yeah, that makes me feel better because I feel like a lot of times when you are giving advice. You make it sound easy and you're like, oh duh. That's so not. No. That's not my experience.

It gets easier over time, but there are certain things I can help you out with. So how can I help you now? Victoria, what are we trying to get across to your partner? So occasionally she has challenges with the reptile dysfunction and there are definitely like, you know, some medical reasons related to that. But I of course am always wondering if it's when she has those issues, if it's, you know, if it's when he has those issues, if it's you. If it's you. He's, yeah, or if it's, or if it's him. Right, I'm telling you, it's, it's, I mean,

and in the years I've been doing this, I actually never thought about this. And the fortune years I've been doing this, I've never had a guy say to me, I can't get a direction because I am not my girlfriend keeps doing the things that are wrong or she's not turning me on or my partner. Like literally never.

But I have heard from women probably almost every day a few times a week saying, is it me, is it my fault? Because women were pleasers, we just can't imagine. We're like, what am I doing wrong? Am I not hot? And so no, I'm telling you, it's not, I'm gonna, it's not you. I'm just gonna say it, and I've never met you

or your partner. But I can't help you figure out here, so I promise that that's not what it is. Pretty certain and you said he's also having medical problems and this has been an issue. So yeah definitely I mean he's got you know high blood pressure. Okay. Okay. All those things. Okay. So yeah. So it's just yeah. But it's hard. I have not had it. I feel like you've given me more confidence to have this conversation with him. About, you know, where he's at and in what he needs or, you know, if the soap is not okay or whatever that conversation is. But really sort of the foundation my question was, like, does everybody else have these conversations or does nobody have any

conversations? Oh, nobody has. I'm going to tell you that most people do not have them, and then they suffer, and then they make up things in their head that it's their fault or that it's something else. But I encourage people, I think you should start talking about sex the second you have sex with someone even before, so you can figure out, you know, if you're both on the same page but do you want me to help you figure out what to say so how long do you be doing this guy? He's your boyfriend right? So right now he's my friend with benefits. Okay. Great.

So yeah which is great because we do we are friends and we are very good friends. And, you know, we don't, definitely being intimate is an obviously a huge benefit and important to us. But I guess even in that, like, friends with benefits, please. Yeah, even, you know, like sometimes it's's we have a good relationship where we can sort of go around or you talk about it or you know ahead of time but we don't spend any time sort of reflecting on our sex life. Okay, so let's do it together. Yeah, let's do it. So Victoria, are you going to see him this weekend? Okay, so let's do it together. Let's do it.

Victoria, are you gonna see him this weekend? Not this weekend. Okay, but next week. So here's what you do. When you guys are together, and this is the kind of thing that you're not gonna talk about after sex or in the bedroom,

but maybe you guys all have dinner if you haven't seen each other well. And just say, I know we haven't talked about this yet, but we're friends. And I'm loving our benefits, part, it's great. But I see that you're struggling. I want to be able to understand what's going on with you, like with your penis.

I know sometimes it's harder for you to keep it going. And I want you to know that I'm totally like supportive of it. And I still love you or I love our thing and I love getting together with you. So I just want to know how I can be there for you. How can I support you in this? Is this happened before? Is there something?

Because you could even say, like, I worry that it's me. Because you, you know, we all love that. I'm like, no, baby, it's not you. So I think that's how you do it. Like have a drink, go out for dinner and just say, I mean, this is, you could even say, this is awkward. But I feel like if we really want to have friends with good benefits, right? As long as we have friends with benefits, they might as well be good benefits. Like, let's get, let's impractise with him because he is your friend, right?

Absolutely. And so it did honestly, like, I mean, I feel like I've learned this from listening to you just for, you know, a little bit. And what you just said, like, oh my God, that's so obvious. Oh my God, that's perfect. And it's so listening. Yeah, so just write it down. Remember it. Just do a practice. I mean, he's gonna appreciate it.

Because he probably feels bad that you're not satisfied. And now you're not gonna be friends with anymore because he's not the guy that you thought, I mean, there's a million things going on. You're gonna be the strong one and the brave one to actually bring it up in a loving supportive way. And then you're going to call me and let me know how it goes. Okay, not right then. Hopefully you'll be having hot sex, but you know, let's take an email.

All right. Okay, we have Stacey, who's 28 and San Diego and she writes, hi Emily, I've been dating a guy who's 44 for about a year and a few months. We used to have sex all the time, but recently, it's maybe once a week or every other week. I wanted every day, and I always initiate. I was super nebidious and before dating him, and I'd like to try that, but I'm shy to ask.

I feel like I've brought this up several times, and I'm constantly bothering him about it. I love him very much, and we have sex. It about it. I love him very much and we have sex. It's amazing. I'm wondering if it's our age difference. Maybe it's because he's super stressed at work or fatigue. I feel super insecure that maybe it's because I put on

some weight since we been gang dating and now he isn't interested or he just finally caves because I keep asking. He says he's tired and busy. He still lives with his ex and I can't go over there and I have my roommates and my two kids that still lives with his ex, and I can't go over there, and I have my roommates and my two kids that still live with me, so places are hard.

Wow, okay, Stacey. Lots going on. Stacey, Stacey, there's a lot, lot, lot, lot here. 28 years old in San Diego. First of all, having sex every day is gonna be a lot for many, many people. And remember that in the beginning, you're saying we had sex all the time,

every but most people had sex all the time at the beginning of their relationship. That is a condition that is a period of time. We all love it, the honeymoon phase, feels amazing, we can't help but have sex all the time. So that changes. So that's not realistic, I think we can keep up with the same pace and intensity that we had at the beginning.

I doubt that he is not attracted to you. He is older than you. He's in his 40s, you know, 15 years older than you. And there's a lot that could have fatigue, his age, it could have a lot to do with his sex drive. And I'm curious about him living with an X. You just tossed that in at the end. That he's still living with his X. Is this an X that you broke up with when you just tossed that in at the end, that he's still living with his ex. Is this an ex that he broke up with when you just started dating? Is it an ex from 20 years ago when they bought a house together and they have shared different,

like I don't understand that part of it, but I think that you need to talk with him outside the bedroom, you know, from just exploring and let him know, like this would be really fun for me. And when I say I'm into BDSM, here's what I'm into. And like because just because you're telling him like I want BDSM or I was into it or this and that he might not get it like we're saying there's a lot of people who are afraid to ask questions like what do you mean by that? A lot of people don't know what that means. They really don't. So I think this is a bigger conversation. It sounds

really hectic. You got roommates and two kids and he's got the thing and where do you go have sex? So I don't think it's because of your weight. I think that we worry about this stuff all the time. I'm just going to say that I haven't met you but it feels like there's a lot of other things going on and it's just going to take a conversation. Like a real honest because you also have nothing to lose. 28 years old. You've got kids. You've got a lot going on. I think the honest conversation with out playing games from a heartfelt place is going to get you the answers that you need to figure out what to do with this relationship. Yeah, I mean I can't get past the, just through the X thing at the bottom.

I know. I know. And it's like maybe if they, it was a really new relationship, but they've been dating for a year and a few months, how are you still living with your ex? I know, and how do we know these notes don't with the ex? That's what I'm saying. I'm feeling like she needs to do a little bit of...

She's got just some reconnaissance and some real... Ask those questions that you think you can't ask. Okay, we have Doug, who's also in New York, 48, and he says that he's got some ideas on how the previous color can get her husband to give her better oral. Oh, okay. Hey, Doug, you're on sex. Definitely. Okay, so so my neighbor, Karissa, and Connecticut over here, I got some ideas. You know, I, I've been married for quite a while and prior to me being married with my former wife and anybody else I was

with, I was always told that the oral part of what I've done early has been phenomenal. And you know, I mean, if I've heard it more than once, that's great. But one of the things that I mean, I came to offer up to Carissa if it. Yeah, is maybe to try and get your husband to use his mouth on the outside of you know like in like to stimulate the quits ors and maybe take a couple of fingers inside and rub your G spot at the same time and that seems to do a lot of good. Yeah, for many, many of them and it does, Doug. Thanks, Doug, it's true.

And you know what, some women let, yeah, thanks for calling Sex and Family, I appreciate it. Don't worry, we're gonna be getting our happy party on tonight. That's a good point, though, because here's the thing, I was assuming that Kirsten knew what she kind of wanted and he wasn't paying attention to her, but we did a great show, you guys.

If you're on serious XM, you can download the shows, listen to my demand. It was at last night's show, the Kiven method. I believe so. We went deep, you guys. We went down on going down last night in the show and I gave you one of my favorite, new favorite oral sex tips for being performed on a woman that rocked my world. And so I think y'all should just check it out this weekend, check it out on the app. Yeah, and I just told my guy about it. So we, he said the best thing to me too.

He says, like, all right, you direct it, I'll produce it. And I was like, that's amazing. And I'm going to use that all the time now. Exactly. You're like, bring it on. Here's the whole plan. And then he makes it happen. I love that about him.

Look at this. So good. I know. We should all have the oral that we want. We should. We should. We should. Hmm. Yeah. Lots of tongues slowing it down. Um, maybe fingers, maybe not like Doug said. If you do want fingers, let your partner know. Mm-hmm.

They're not going to guess. Because like you said, his previous partner wanted a finger. As I know, some people don't. They just want literal. Mm-hmm. Rubik's cube. The Dino is the Rubik's cube. It's funny if you could do the little like up down like arrows, you know, like on a video game thing. Exactly.

Like the cheat codes. Yeah. Up down down. You could direct their tons. Yeah. Just programming into their brain. I guess with the sex robot, you probably could. Could you imagine? It's kind of like, so do you think, okay, do you think, now, no, no, I'm really thinking about this, because like most sex robots or whatever, it's like people are thinking like, oh, it's the chick that they make, whatever. But I know that they do...

There's male robots too. There's male robots too, so would they give them a tongue? Yeah, I think so. I don't want a male robot without a tongue. I'd rather have a male robot without a penis. I used a joke. Yeah, I mean, I I don't want to mail robot without a tongue. I'd rather have a mail robot without a use joke Yeah, I mean I'm telling you that's That's really good point because we got to caught. Yeah, you're right. I hear what you're saying there and a tongue would be crucial for a mail robot Absolutely. In fact, I said this. I was interviewed last year about what's gonna happen with sex robots pros and cons

And I had some cons a lot of cons but my pro was like well, I guess you could be like, I want oral for 40 minutes and it's program your robot. My robot boyfriend's going to go down for as long as I want. So my assumption is they have to have some kind of tongue, but what would it be like a tongue tongue? Like how would it? Because you program the tongue like, I want a gene simons tongue. I think you can do anything you want with these robots. They would work kind of like the womanizer, which is one of our favorite toys that actually gets close to oral sex. I mean, you know, that's my favorite. Maybe his tongue would be like a tongue, but then it would have a little woman-like, since

the robot, it could have that little suction, pleasure-air suction on its tongue. How come no one's asking if we should design our own robots? We should. Oh, I know. People could be asking, you probably have a sex robot by now. I'm like, not yet. We should. Oh, I know. People keep asking me, you probably have a sex robot by now. I'm like, not yet. We have to get one for research.

Research purposes, guys. We all do everything for research. Oh, let's take an email, because this one, I really, I really want you to answer this one. Okay, okay. I will, I will. Okay, so this is from Jim,

who's 63 New Hampshire. Hi, Emily. With regards to ED due to health issues and the medications I take, I am not so sure I'll ever have an erection again. I was wondering, what is the most life like penis dildo I could get and try to secretly insert it to my wife? I would have to warm it up, otherwise she'll know immediately reading this sounds terrible.

Thank you. Oh Jim, I'm glad you recognized that because it doesn't sound so great. Please do not do this. You don't want to, first of all, she's going to know. She's going to know it's not you. I just, but I love that you're trying so hard here that you really want to please her, but you can't be deceitful. I think you just have to talk to her and say, babe, I love you.

You're my wife. I love you. And I'm sorry that I can't perform as much as I want to on you right now. And this way, you can say, but there's so many other ways that we can please each other. And you could buy a dildo with her. And you could use it on her. But I think she's going to have to be on the same page as you. You'll just get to co-sign and try to say on the dildo plan.

You can still have a lot of intimacy without a penis, without just intercourse. Remember, you guys, sex is not just about intercourse. In fact, I think that you could definitely take a poll here of a lot of different women who might tell you that if they didn't have intercourse, and they just had the intimacy through touch and massage and oral, they might be fine for life.

They've, Jamie has said she'd picked the robot with a mouth and not a penis. And Jamie's 25 years old, so, you know, I would definitely go back to your doctor though, Jim. See what you can do. Is there anything to do about your medications and dosage depending on what you're on?

They can work with you. There's, I mean, ET is not a life sentence. Like there are ways that we've talked a lot about in the show, there's some great stuff at sex The ME.com about a reptile dysfunction in ways that you could get it back. So I would say don't give up though Jim because you could get it back but still be honest with your wife. And I think 63 you've been together a while. I think it might surprise you that perhaps some of the best sex is still yet to come. Okay guys, hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks

everyone for listening. I love you all. and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jeannie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithaml.com. you