Sex With Emily - Porn PSA: A Guide On What Not to Do In Bed

Episode Date: August 22, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is debunking the overall perception of porn & why using it as a rulebook for sex will cause more harm than good, plus she’s answering your calls & emails.She gives examples of how people have used porn as sex ed instead of entertainment, how to tell your wife (nicely) that you’d love to go down on her more but you can’t stand her lack of up-keep, & ways to get your boyfriend to be more expressive during sex because you can’t stand his silence.Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex With Emily. On today's show, I'm debunking your perception of porn, and why using it as a rulebook for sex ed will do you more harm than good. Plus, I'm answering your calls and emails, topics and clues. Examples of how people have used porn as their sex ed, instead of what's actually meant for entertainment. So, you want to go down on your wife more, but you're bothered by her lack of upkeep. So how do you tell her you prefer less hair without offending her? Ways to get your boyfriend to be more expressive because you can't stand his silence during sex. And even abundance of vibrators and you've used them all, but you haven't reached climax

yet with any of them. Is it the toys? Or is it you? All this and more, thanks for listening. They call them in a bag on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, got everything. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

For more information, check out our website, sexwithemle.com for even more awesome sex tips. And you can find me on serious sex and radio Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 pm Pacific. You should totally check it out. And if you want a free 30 day trial, you can can go to sexofamily.com slash SXM. You can find me on social media across the board. It's at Sex with Emily. All right, guys. Help you enjoy the show. So, I've often alluded to this on the show, but I can't say enough that I don't actually

have a problem with porn. I'm an anti-porn, but I do think one of the main challenges I have around porn is that a lot of people are learning to have sex through watching porn. They're actually taking it at like a blueprint of like a manual, like step-by-step ways I should have porn. I should have sex. So of course, I'm gonna have sex for the first time and she's gonna show up with three friends and then she's gonna squirt or he's gonna like you know spank me or you know, he thinks it's okay to choke or all the things or they're actually having orgasms Like none of that is real either so it should know is that porn is fiction Most of the porn that you watch if you're on the tube sites are created by men, for men But a lot of women watch it too obviously and this is where I have a problem is that we're learning to have sex that way

Then we actually have sex that way, then we actually have sex that way. But it's just because we didn't know any better, I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that, no one else is talking about sex, they're not teaching you in schools. Unless you seek it out, like you don't change a channel when you're listening

to this show, and you're like, oh, I actually want to learn how to have, but how to have sex. I never actually learned, I never had a sex ed class. So everything I learned was untrue, which is actually true. There's a book called that too, untrue. By our friend Wednesday Martin. And it is true that most of the things, I want to say that 90% of the things that you

think you know, that you know about sex are wrong. So anyway, a lot of that comes from porn. I do like when couples watch porn together, they share scenes with each other, things they want to try, or it helps people get more, you know, figure out what turns them on. A lot of us kind of have repressed fantasies, so to watch porn can inspire us. And then we've stuff like we have like more first bank bank, but the problem today that we're going to cover is there are, there was crazy red threads. Because this went off. And there were things that women wish men would stop trying to do embedded they saw in porn.

And then there were things that men wish women would stop trying to do that they saw in porn. And we just found this hilarious and enlightening. It's so true. Okay, so, for you some of these. Yes. I read the first one. Ready guys?

Well, women wish men would stop trying to do. When you tell a guy that you're close or just like that, and they think that's the code for going lightning fast all of a sudden. Like, no, I just wanted you to continue doing the same thing with some encouragement. Don't set my vagina on fire. Oh, my God. This is the thing that I hate. The most.

The most. I said do the same. When I say just like that, I mean just not, I don't mean just like that but faster. Okay, yeah. Literally why? I just want to know. Because men, what goes on in their head.

Because they're meant to ejaculate when they think we're going to come. Just like everything is very, sex is very male focused. So that's just how we've learned it. So they assume just like porn, that that's how it happens. So they assume when men orgasm, they have to go faster and faster, faster. For women, we just want you to go just like that.

Don't sew, don't leave, don't fat. But that's why. I would really like to know why, because I feel like when we say this, and this has happened to me many times, I'm like, yes, that feels great. Keep doing that. I'll even say keep doing that. And then they start to change it up.

Or they literally actually do, not even just a faster rhythm, but something completely different. They got scared. They got scared of the orgasm, which is so weird. Because I'm like, what? I don't, I just don't get it. I don't get how the computing doesn't work. Well, maybe he didn't know what he was doing.

Like, you know what I mean also? Maybe in that moment when you said that, he was like, oh shit, what was I doing? And so it just kind of threw him off. Because I also feel like we're damned if we don't say it because what if they do change what they're doing? And we're like, no, go back. But let me say that it's a pretty good sign

you should pay attention to the moment. Exactly. It's a pretty good time to like stop and try to rewind and see whatever you were doing and keep doing that. But I wonder if the reverse happens. Because I feel like I've never at least heard that from a guy in my own sexual things, my own sexual encounters that like I've changed things up

when they've stopped. I'm like, I'm trying to think of a guy who said, don't stop and he has, I know what you're saying. I don't know if you can not tell us, maybe it is the same, but this is some other things here. I changed who I wanna read. Yeah, I wanna read this one. This is from Reddit, so these are like

the actual people's responses. So this person said, this idiot guy was fucking just switched holes on me. No warning whatsoever and not even slow. One moment, I'm having a lovely time getting fucked. Next minute, I'm crying in the bathroom with a painful bleeding asshole. And he was pleading at the door saying he's inexperienced and saw it in a porn. I was traumatized for months. Okay, guys. So this is why you're all like everyone's asking me about anal. You're like,

oh, I had, how do I try anal or my, my girlfriend won't try anal and I'm telling you for so many women. It's this exact story. I've talked about this. I will say it again right now that wrong hole or like it's sudden and you can't just switch holes. I'm telling you anal needs warm up. You got a massage the butt. You got to use lots of lube. You got to go slow. You can't just enter the back door without knocking, without warming up, without talking about it. And so as a result, she's traumatized who knows if she would even want to do it again, but definitely for months. And he said he's not important. She didn't say her agent here. And here's the thing. How would he know differently?

He wouldn't. No, he's like, in fact, I'll say this. Most of the porn you watch these days, you'd have to put like, like porn, like no porn in your, no anal in your search, because I think most porn includes anal now. You majority of it, so you just kind of assume, like you'd have to say like porn without anal,

you'd have to be a distinction, because I think that most porn has anal That you assume that it's a part of it like we're gonna have anal like that's a normal thing for everyone to do right away Or I could just switch holes. I mean it just and for them to to think though Because how would they know that there's in between that they're doing a lot of stretches They're doing lots of things. They're putting on the lube They got butt plugs in them all day. Yeah, they're preparing for this moment. And it's just for me, the way that I think about it,

it's in a regular TV show, when a couple is out or they meet at a bar and they're making out. And then all of a sudden, Q, they're still making out, but in their house, it's like they don't show the car ride to the house where they're just sitting there and having this weird conversation because we don't need to see that part. We don't need to see exactly.

So that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Exactly, Jamie. So what we don't need to see here is, okay, babe, let's try something. You know, like he's besaging her ass and he's using the equivalent of that. Yeah, the equivalent of him just going in one hole in the other hole is he's not seeing besaging the ass, taking off the condom that he was using, having sex with her and then like making sure she's warmed up, making sure she already had a clitoral orgasm,

making sure that he just sees a little pinky finger at first to go in and tons of lube, like so much lube, and then reapplying the lube, and then slowly but surely when she's breathing deeply and she's ready and willing, she breathes, and then he pushes in, and then she breathes out, and you inhale, exhale, and it goes in slow and it's like a whole thing. But nope, porn jumps right to the in and out.

Because most people just like that. Right. Most people are going to lose interest in a porn. In a porn if they show them that. They're going to be like, what is this? Tutorial happening exactly. Right. This is good to the anal.

Exactly. That's the part we're missing and now not to say the important like they probably are we are they literally are warming up the scene like you are and for your real life for women to enjoy analist you know maybe if you've experienced it a lot and this is for beginners I'm telling you And even for even if people who are a little more experienced you need to be, helps to be aroused already. It helps to have your orgasms first for women. Have a clitoral orgasm to already be turned on, to be super relaxed, to be, you know, to loosen up, not just to put it right in.

So, okay, this next one. This is what the women, which Ben would stop trying to do in bed, they saw them porn. Rubbing my clit, like, it's a burnt piece of food stuck to a pan. Oh my God, this is okay, when I this I literally died for I mean really like I could I saw the nails Like down like it's good cringe People don't furiously rub away the clutter is in fact to approach the clutter switch I don't think you often see this important either you don't see them

Kissing making out slowly working their way up the inner thigh, tickling and teasing the inner thighs and their legs and then they're moving in slowly and then maybe they're approaching the literal hood with their mouth first. Maybe they're just their tongue, I mean, their fingers, but they're doing it slow and they've washed their hands and there's definitely some lube on it because the lube, their clitters is not stuff lubricating, not spitting on their hands and there's definitely some lube on it because the lube, their clitters is not self lubricating, not spitting on their hands. And then they're moving their fingers so slowly after moving up their legs, like to their clitoral hood and then they're like, maybe they're reticling the pubic mouth and then moving down slowly and then they're barely touching it. They're lightly moving in for the clitoris and then they can start to move.

They're not going in and scraping away like a pan. And I will say, personally, when I get closer to orgasm, I get rougher with my own clotterous. Yes, once. But once I'm very close and there's minutes, more than one, plural minutes, plural minutes of softness. Right. Prior.

And again, because men are like, I want to come now in the porn, they're only going to show right before she orgasms. It's not that easy. It's not rubbing away at it like food is going to pan or like you're trying to lose and change from a gump on machine. That is not the way you do it. I like what it will like imagine. Like, things just are fucked. That would be hilarious. We're so aggressive with it. I'd be like, oh, well, gump balls do come out. I didn't even have to put in a corner.

Right. But this whole quote, rubbing my clip, like it's a bird piece of food stuffed to a pan, thanks for touching it, but not like that, man. Like we're glad you're touching it. Like I'm glad they found it. Right? Like you found it. Congratulations, you know where it is.

And I think that's also a learning process for many people. They're just not sure if they don't have one. They're not sure. I don't know. Another thing here is treating every vagina the same. Yes. Which goes to show with maybe this guy's last girlfriend liked it being scraped. Like there was food sucked to a pan. I doubt it. But the truth is, is that what men do is they often think, and women do this too, we think that our our our park partner wants the same thing our last partner wanted. And so, well, I assume that every woman wants me to, you know, slap or clitoris or make out, you know, do whatever, things that are just whatever. That's why each vagina, each penis, each partner you're with is a new experience to learn in the moment. Pay attention to it.

And that's the best way to find out is just to be like, hey, what's your vagina like? Right, what's your vagina? We should have it just like, I feel like when all these dating apps, I know this is down the road, but you're talking about where you hang out, what you like to do, and this would be a problem for over sexualizing it, but when couples get together right away, just figuring out the how you like,

what does your clitoris like? Right, so don't even know. So tell me about your clitoris. Like, I had a strike. Ask me that. I would be like, oh my God, you evolved mail. I'd be like, that's amazing. I will tell you what it likes.

What would you, but I think a lot of women wouldn't know what to say. Well, because they wouldn't know, they don't necessarily know me. That's why we're here. And that is why I figured out. I have an answer to the question. Believe me, your partners want to please you. They just don't know how. And so they're just, and this is why we're here. Figure it out. I have an answer to the question. Believe me, your partners want to please you.

They just don't know how. And so this is why we're all doing this. We don't know when you have a better way, but we're just assuming that it either is in porn or we learned in porn or our last partner wanted it. Mm-hmm. All right. This one?

This one here. This one, because this one is interesting. So this person wrote, I hate when guys this one is interesting, so this person wrote. I hate when guys stick it in fast and just start pumping away. Go slow and let me feel the stretch. And when you're all the way in pause for a second, maybe kiss me, possibly pull halfway back out. And then you can slam back in and go to town if you want.

It's just that initial entry is one of the best parts of sex. Please don't ruin it for me. I agree with this too. I believe that when you just import and you do see it just pumping away and that we don't see the warm-up part, and I never want anyone to stick it in or worse, just like touch it for a second, like touch my clitoris or finger me for a second and then you stick it in. Like I'm telling you that initial like entering period is really hot and I love the idea of like going slow,

pausing, kiss, that's really high. Like you got all night to pound, don't pound, however, but you slow it down and pounding away right away is never a great idea. No, I like how she says in here. At some point that is okay. Just don't score like right like zero to 150. Off the bat. Please don't. Please doubt. These are some things that um yeah I mean I love

that this breaks it down because honestly you guys there's a lot of stuff we're doing. You might even see yourself. I'm hoping that people are listening like I see myself in this. I have been doing it because I learned it important. I think we don't even know the origin story of a lot of our sex acts. like, oh, I never thought that. Or I never thought it was because my last partner wanted it. Or I just made this assumption based on the porn that I've seen. So you're not a bad person. This is the most I hear this every single day from people who are like either they don't know how to act during sex or they're with someone who's acting like they're important and it doesn't seem authentic to who they are because it's not.

So this is where my favorite's go down on me for five seconds and call it for play. I don't even know if it's with you seeing porn or that's what they just think that, I mean, I think this is two things here. Like I said, if you're gonna go down on me for a minute, you could be sitting to do something so much more effective. You could just go get me glass of water.

You can make me a snack, but like going down to me for a minute does nothing. Like I didn't even know you were there yet. A minute, not enough. Cause that feels like I'm just leaving you, I'm just getting you wet, so I can go ahead and ram way at you. Like a pound away.

And it's like a tease, but the wrong kind of tease. Cause you never go back. It'd be different if you went back. You never go back. You never go back. Never go back. I thought you were coming back. Where'd you go? Come back and then you just pull him back down. You're like, oh, not ready yet. go back. It'd be different if you went back. Never go back. Never go back. Never go back.

I thought you were coming back. Where'd you go? Come back. And then you just pull them back down. You're like, oh, not ready yet. Come back. That's a lovely way to do it. Pull them back down.

I can just imagine. Love lives gently. The situation of like a woman scooting back down. Like, so the vagina meets the face and the guy keep trying to go up and he keeps going. Exactly. Trying to meet the face. That's interesting.

I just keep on going and then you just fall for that. Exactly. That would be amazing. But I think I've been that girl too. I was like, oh, I did for so long. I didn't say anything because I was like, oh, this is how it's supposed to go. He knows what he's doing. Men know more than I do.

I'm just going to let him do this. So for every woman out there who's like, this is familiar, it's okay to be like, you know what? I'm not ready yet. Not quite turned on yet. Not ready for for the pounding it need a little bit warm up exactly okay say that mm-hmm all right we have a Laura 51 in Virginia who wants to add in on this conversation about porn lies that not everyone can woman can deep throat or enjoy it oh yes Laura exactly tell me more yes it's terrible they all think that you can deep-throat just

like the porn women do and you most of the time you end up gagging, you know, it's tears in your eyes and it's not very pretty. Right, exactly. That was a porn thing, don't you think, Laura, you're 51. Do you think this wasn't happening 20 years ago? No, it wasn't. Right. It actually wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't even a thing choking it. 20 years ago they thought it was a huge treat to get a blowjob. Thank you, Laura. Yeah. We should have got flowers. And now they want to kill us on their dick.

They want to pestigate so far. We're going to throw up and die or something. You have your head down and hold your hair and shove your head down. It's like, I can't do that. I can't do that. I don't want to do it. Not even interesting to me. Exactly.

Laura, I hate that too. That's a porn thing and it's got to stop. You're right. Laura, thank you so much. It's perfect. Couldn't have said it better. It's so true. Oh my god.

Isn't there one of these here that? Yeah. Oh, OK. Here it is. This is actually a quote from the Reddit thread Trying to force their dick deeper down your throat while giving oral unlike porn stars I have a gag reflex and it's no it's not hot for me to gag under dick and it was throw up on you It kills the mood for me and makes me not want to go down again. I know it. It's came from I don't think that women your eyes are watering

I think well definitely pouring. Throw up. We'll pour in. But also, I think in their minds, it's a suggestion because they would like you to be sucking the dick farther. However, I don't think that they realize that the reason why we're not going all the way down is because it's as far as it can go. Right. We hit the limit.

We hit the limit. And also just, you know, you can know nothing's in your mouth. I have a penis in my mouth, so I can't really talk to you right now. But you have nothing in your mouth, so you can be like, hey babe, I do you think it'd be really hot if you tried to go a little deeper?

Little deeper, go a little deeper. I would do that. Or use more pressure, because a lot of times it's not more pressure. You could use your hands during a blowjob, and it's just as effective, I'm telling you, you don't have to go all the way down, you can go up and down with your hand,

you use both hands and that's used your mouth up the tip. That can feel great. The other reason why one of my hypotheses about the gag thing is that also in their minds, perhaps, men are like, it's so big, you're choking on it. Like it's my dick and you want it so bad, you're choking, like it's gagging. Yeah, I think that that's part of it. It's like this thing. They're like, oh my god. It's so big. She's choking on it. My it's my dick because they're very dick-centric.

Yeah, I think so. But what happens when you hit her uvula and she peeks all over your crop? Yeah, and that's all funny games. So she pukes. I love your crops. If that ever, it almost happened to me once. I saw it back down like a champ. But if I had thrown up on him, I would have been like, well, that's your fault. That's great. Exactly. All right guys, I love that.

She validated it all. It's true you guys. I'm like, no, 10 years ago it wasn't a thing. The other thing is it cares the other one. Basically everything done without consent, porn makes it seem like you could do anything to any woman at any time. And she'll love it.

At first, ask first, choking, slapping, anal, coming in the face, et cetera. It can be fun or not, but ask first. Don't go with the porn mentality that women are always wanting, you know, always willing. Not everyone is into that, and there's nothing wrong with it. Okay guys, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back.

We are onto your calls and your email questions. That's Dr. Tom. He's 31 in Maryland and he wants to know how he can ask his wife to shave her pubic area. Hey Tom, tell me everything. Hi, I'm. Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. Good. Thanks for calling. Tell me everything.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, like, it's not that crazy. I just, I don't enjoy it that she does not shave that area. She does trim around it, but like the actual here right here, she does not shave. And it bothers me when I go down on her.

And I just want to know if like maybe some woman have a thing that they want it And like you should not be asking her to see that. No, we hold on babe. This is your wife, right? Yeah, okay How long have you guys been together? Five years. Okay, so here's what's cool is like you guys are committed your together Just say you could have the conversation much like I was talking to Jessica. Have you guys ever talked about? Sac so what she's into or what she likes or what you like? Yeah, I'm not so much out of the bedroom, but we do talk about it a lot in the bedroom. Well the best place to talk about sex, ironically, is outside the bedroom when you're not having

sex or you're not even turned on, because that's how we have actually productive conversations about sex. So I think you could make it more like, I love pleasing you, I love going, you know, I love our sex life, your hot, or whatever you want to say. All the things you love about her and say, and I was thinking about I love going down on you and I just want to put this out. This is uncomfortable to say, but I love going down on you. It feels so good, but it's with some time to the lot of hair around there.

It's harder for me to do that. Would you be open to me like taking a shower with me and I could like shave you one night? Or just say, you know, you know, you're wife well enough or just like, how would you feel about shaving? I would get you a bikini wax, you know? And then say of course, or you could also not in that first conversation time, you could just say, I realize that most of our sex talk is that in the bedroom and I thought, well, you're my life, we're going to be together for a lot, you know, a long time and I want to figure out how to be, well, you're my life. We're gonna be together for a long time

and I wanna figure out how to be the greatest lever you've ever had and I wanna know how we can have incredible so let's just start talking about it. So anything but on your mind, you know, here's what's been on my mind. And you also have to know though, the other thing is to go back to your question, women just might like that, yeah.

I mean, you gotta also be okay with the fact with She might like having hair and she could also be offended I mean there are some women who like how dare you tell me what to do with my hair It's my hair and I'm growing it so right that was my So this is what I'm saying time you could just kind of you know We're enough to be like so listen babe when I go down and you said it's hard like I know you've hair down there Like would you be comfortable shaving is it so baby, when I go down and you're like, it's hard. Like, I know you've hair down there. Like, would you be comfortable shaving it? Is it so?

Have you always had hair down there? How would you feel about it? I'm totally cool if you want to keep it. It's just harder for me, you know? Just, I think it's important to like that. I don't make it, I think not make it that, not make it that I need it. But just as I ask for. Suggestion.

I'm curious about that. Have you ever, you could even say to her this, Tom, find one of these that work for you. Have you ever shaved it off? Have you ever considered trimming it more? Because maybe Tom find one of these that work for you? Have you ever shaved it off? Have you ever considered trimming it more because maybe you just wanted to trim it more right or shave it all off? Maybe like Okay, perfect like I think actually like you could say I've heard it's actually makes it even better or more sensitive and it's true Actually, that's why I became Brazilian bikini acts ases became all thing and you know women it feel it actually Can make it feel better so say would you be open to that?

But I'm not telling you what to do here. Okay, Tom You can do it outside the bedroom. I probably you're so welcome. Thanks for content. Well, let's see if we can help Brian He's 27 in California and he wants to know how he can get his girlfriend more in touch with her sexuality Hey, Brian tell me what's going on. Love to help you. Hi guys. Hi guys. How are you? Good.

How are you doing? So I'm doing well. First of all, you listener. So I've been really intrigued with everything. So this is really great. Thank you. Recently I've felt, well I've come to realization that my girlfriend is not very much, she's in her head a lot, which is something that's talked about a lot on the show.

And she's not very connected with her body. Sometimes I feel like I am the one who's very much more like well thinking about sex. And because of that, I tend to avoid pushing it on her because I feel like I'm just like either begging for sex or whatnot. What's going on now is I'm trying to figure out a way to begin and continue a conversation where I make sex present in her mind

because there's literally no thought of it. Like she has a vibrator and everything, but she doesn't even use it. Right. Have you ever talked about it and said, so like, tell me about it. Like, was there a time when you were more into sex? Like, is she under't even use it. Right. Have you ever talked about it and said, so like, tell me about it. Like, was there a time when you were more into sex? Like, is she under a lot of stress right now?

Have you talked to her about this before? We started talking a lot about the stress that she's having because after I'm fairly new listener. So as soon as I started listening, I just started trying to sort of at least maybe prior brain to have her talk to me, because then she's admitted that she doesn't talk about a lot of things because she doesn't want to damper the relationship or bring things down.

So I'm trying to encourage her to trust me to open up a little more and that I'm not going to be quick to judge no matter what. And the last time we actually had a conversation about sex, that was about maybe three months ago or so. And then I realized now after listening to the show, I should continuously talk about it. But I did it once and I thought it would just click. And now I'm by myself getting a little frustrated because it doesn't. It never takes one conversation. I mean, this is like, think about it.

You guys have never talked about it. How long have you guys been together? Two and a half years. Yeah. I mean, Gavin, two and a half years, something that's like a main corner sound of a relationship, you know, I've never talked about. So I think now the next one is I really want to, like I've said to everyone tonight, like, let's make, let's prioritize our sex life. I want to be great lovers. It's something I want to keep talking about. I realize I've let a lot of time go past. I never want to be great lovers. It's something I want to keep talking about I realize I've let a lot of time go past I never want to be the one who's just I want to be a great lover to you I want to please you. I want to help you with your anxiety and so this actually help We could do some mutual masturbation together. I mean I get it like I get understand women just sing next to the

Vibrotor not doing it like that happens to all of us that even happens to me But I feel like it's like we're we just ain't really sex beget sex, the more she does it and masturbates and maybe finding out what does turn her on and like asking her her most memorable time she had sex. What does she think about? What does she fantasize about? And just kind of keeping the conversation going

because then you won't feel like you have to like, solve this all on your own. And like now you have to be really great listener to all of her stuff, which is a great skill and a partner, but then you're not getting, you're like well if I listen to everything then I'll take it all off her mind and then she'll want a sex. Doesn't work that way. Take it from a woman who has a lot of stuff to always talk about.

It doesn't work that way. So you don't want to push her but you can't ignore it either. So it's a fine line between saying like I love you and I'm here for you and I hope you know sex is such an important part of a relationship and I want our relationship to be really strong. I want our second you know. Yeah I definitely understand and I know it's going to take some time so I'm definitely going to try to be patient about that. I do have a question though she tends to when I try to get answers from her with personal questions regarding anything like I've even asked recently you know what what makes to you what makes a happy relationship or like what

would make our relationship a happy one her she's someone who always has an I don't know answer I don't know why but her immediate like she blanks and she struggles to come up with answers for a topic yeah I do from someone who From someone who's a, I don't know, because she doesn't know. She's 27 as well. Is she a year-age? Younger? 29.

OK. So you guys have been together three years. I don't know how many other relationships she's have. But in tennis, she might not know. Like, are you the first serious relationship? No, she's had a lot more sexual encounters than I have. Right. But it's never really been... She's never had a situation where they've asked her about.

Right. I didn't know in my 20s list and no one knows what they want. People don't know what they want. Like, knowing what we want is actually a lot harder question to answer for most people than we would think. You think, like, well, wait a minute. Of course, I know what I want. We can say what we don't want. A lot easier than we can say what we want.

So maybe you can find out more like, what doesn't she want? You could say, well, would you be interested in figuring it out? So maybe she need, I don't know how she learns that maybe giving her some scenarios. Like, would you want to take a class together, like do pictures, having children, do you picture us having children? Do you, what are your values? Like what's a perfect Saturday for you

when you're in a relationship? What's a perfect date night? Like what, you know, do you wanna live in a city or the country? How important is family? Do you like maybe you have to get more specific with your questions? Cause I couldn't have answered that fan.

I'd probably be like, I don't know. Or just, my 20, like like, we don't know, you even lived enough on the planet. So just give her, ask her some more questions and don't make her vote and then she'll get there, you know? And it's a great exercise for her as well. So just get to know each other on an intimate, you know, on a more like specific level. Like this is really important now too, because then you'll know if you could say together and you're on the same page, what a great way to find out if you share the same values and the same vision for the future.

So just get more curious and less probing, less like probing and like we got to find all this out, you know, but curious. Ask in questions, tell me more, tell me more. People love talking about themselves. You've got to ask questions the right way, okay Brian? Thanks for calling, keep me posted. I'm here for you.

We have an email from Amanda who's 25 in Utah And she said that my guy is silent in the bedroom. How can I get him to be more expressive and dominate me? Okay, Amanda. This is a good one. I'm telling you there's something about guys That many guys are be a lot of different reasons why he is silent in the bedroom I mean, I think that men are trained from young age. They're masturbating in the bedroom. You know, they're afraid their parents are gonna walk in.

They have to be quiet. They're just like, sex is something that I'm, you know, I'm quiet. I don't know. And maybe important to that of men are like, giving big noise, but I think men are just more shy about it. They've been, they've wired themselves to be more quiet in the bedroom when they orgasm. Like, guy that I dated who, who I didn't even know if he orgasmed, like I have to like

listen, I just like no noise because when he did come, this is what it sounded like. He'd be like, Oh my god. Like did it was like, you okay there, but like, no, it was like his orgasm. I was like, that's it. Nothing else would move. He was in position. I swear. That's exactly what would you do right after? I was like, I want to make like,

you came right, like I have to like check is there like seem it like what happened? It was like a twitch, I'm like, I got to get that, like you blink, you miss it. And I was like, dude, I didn't say dude, but I was like, babe, I don't think that's smarter. But this is probably the 4k. I was eating a twitch. I'm like, I got it. You have to miss it. You blink you miss it. And I was like, dude I didn't say dude, but I was like, hey I think I'm smarter. This is probably the 4k. I was dating this guy. It's so funny because I actually have a weird thing with memory But I can't remember who I was dating when like what year? Like oh, this was the year I started the podcast. I wasn't as great at talking about stuff

But I was like, oh yeah, I just think it'd be hard if you know me noises like, no, that's for chicken I don't know what he said, but he didn't make noise to the bedroom. So anyway, how you can do more expressive endowment is you have this conversation about your sex life outside the bedroom, not in the bedroom, not in the bedroom, not in the bedroom. And the next time you guys are hanging out, you're like, you bring up one thing that you loved

about the last time you had sex. Last night was really hot. I loved how you went down to me for 45 minutes. It was amazing. And I thought I was thinking about you. I was like, it'd be so hot to like, hear you in the bedroom. Like, I want to know what you're feeling.

I want to know like, if you could like, I think talking dirty would be hot. Now, here's the thing, or dovetail me in the bedroom. When you say that to Amanda, what's going to be helpful is if you can give them some examples. Because oftentimes when we just throw out our partners like dominate me, talk dirty to me, make more noise.

First of all, they're like, I'm a failure. I'm doing it wrong. I'm a bad lover. I'm really bad. So she's like in your 20s, maybe we don't have as much experience or maybe always. Let's be honest, you know, our friend earlier, she was in her what? She was 50. So her insecurity can have it all different times.

So, I think the more specific, like, what do you have in mind by expressive and dominant? You could tell them, like, for example, babe, when I'd love to hear what you're feeling in the moment about my ass or about our sex life, like talk, you know, be expressive or maybe it's make more noise, but then also like dominate. Like, what do you mean by that? Do you want them to like, do then also like dominate like what do you mean by that?

Do you want them to like? Do you want them to like throw you down the bed? Do you want them to blindfold you? Do you want them to tie your hands back? Do you want them? You know what is that? You want them to like call you a little slut? Like some women do want that, but I think you have to be specific because they just can't, they can't guess. And he's not doing it because he probably doesn't know how, doesn't know you're into it. So I think, and then you could say to him,

I think it'd be hard if you did this. You don't make a big deal out of it, even though it feels like a big deal to you. Talking about sex, you guys can become the easiest, most simplest thing in the world. Once you just practice doing it, and then you could say, and I wanna know what you want from me.

Like tell me what would be out for you. Let's talk about our sex life. Make it fun. Like, we're gonna go to Disneyland. And like, let's talk about our sex life. Make it fun. We're gonna go to Disneyland and like, let's talk about our sex life. Isn't that fun? That should be fun. Even though it's nerve-wracking at first.

Do you think guys that do make noises in bed? So they ever practice their grunts? I don't know. I don't. Like do you think, do you ever practice your sex noises? No, no. I never even thought about it. Or would I just ask who just asked me about my O-face. Oh, Violet Benson.

Right. Violet Benson, I was at a podcast, which is going to come out soon, just some daddy issues. She's a new podcast, and she was like, so what, how do you fix your O-face? Like, women are concerned what they look like in bed, orgasming, the noise they make, and I was like, I don't think about.

I'm like, what you want to be thinking is like, I'm orgasming, I'm the goddess of the universe, and he's so lucky. He gets you watching me. He's not judging my weird face. I don't know. Maybe guys do, but I just don't think about it. So I don't know if guys are going, like, because I've just imagined, like, if they're learning from porn and they're listening to those grunts, you think that they try to be like, I need

to be like a manly grunt. Like, what if they're just self-conscious about their yeah, you know probably I think you guys here's the Coming up a thing we all have our own sex noise. We do like primates like we get to make our own like Like what is it? That's why mass ratio is great too like you just you have your own sex noise Maybe you have a bounty yet because you've repressed it because you were a bearish Maybe someone told you to or you were too loud and maybe you were like in college when they'd roommate you had to be quiet, you know. So I think it's maybe I should practice letting go and just being themselves.

But I'm sure there are guys just like I hear from a lot of men who were like, oh, I feel like she was just watching porn and was making noises like a porn star. It wasn't really authentic to who she was. I feel that's for men too. Danielle 37 in Canada has some questions about sex toys. Hey Danielle, thanks for calling. Hi. Hi.

Thank you. Actually, I have questions about all of the above. Okay. I'm 37 years old. I've been sexually active since I was 16. And I still have, even though I haven't abundance of toys, I'm single now, I have a really hard time peaking. Orgasmine? High-mexing.

Yeah, yeah. So, like, I don't actually know if I've ever had one before So okay, yeah, yeah I've talked to my I've talked to my family doctor about it and she just Dr. Don't know a lot of stuff. They don't have a lot of sex education in medical school a lot of them So they make them uncomfortable. I'm glad you called me Daniel. So tell me a little bit. So do you masturbate often like and you just get to a point and then you stop yourself or like tell me your process. It's something that I enjoy doing but it doesn't really get, it just never ends up getting to that point. And I never had any history of anything, no, the sexual trauma, right.

No, no, yeah, not at all. Are you in any medication? No, nothing. OK. And you have desire. Do you feel like you want to masturbate? And you want to have sex? But you're just not getting there?

Yeah, I do. And it's something that I enjoy. I've been doing this for the last year. So before that, it's something I do really enjoy, and it's a priority, even though that doesn't happen. Okay, well let me tell you this. There's a few things to know when you're starting out with, Master Waiting, because I think it's really like,

it sounds like you've all the ingredients there, but you try to be a little patient with it. So here's the thing, when we start out, it can take you weeks, days, months to finally have that orgasm, but it has to be like a committed, like, you know, my friend in college went away for this intern, we were seniors, and she was like, I'm going to masturbate Emily every day for 30 days, and I'm going to figure out how to have an orgasm because I've never had one. And like it was until like the third week, like maybe it was like three days before she left. She was like, how low you up finally happened. So just know that like

it takes consistent effort, but I'm also in that hand. It's like effort, like fun effort, like get going to it more curiously, like more mindful masturbation. So maybe what's happening is there's like this expectation that it feels a certain way. So I would definitely like layback. It's kind of like, I love the idea of thinking of it like seducing yourself. So you're taking a bath, you're rubbing on you, you're letting a candle, you're engaging all of your senses, you're rubbing lotion on your body, and then you're laying down and you're just in, you know, playing your favorite music, and you're just really breathing, right? So I think one of the key things is deep, deep breaths,

like deep into your pelvic floor breaths. A lot of times we tense up and we forget to breathe and it doesn't, and like when we remember to breathe that helps the blood flow more and the orgasms happen. And so I feel like maybe you're going right, like, well, tell me which toys you've tried with. So I have the womanizer. Okay. And I have the tingo and I have that massage when you just talked about actually. Okay, the magic wand. Alright, I will say the tango might be a great one to

start with because the woman isos like very specific clitoral which I love but I'm not sure how you orgasm yet, because some women, here's the thing, and this is why you haven't, because there's not a lot of information like this, Daniel, so I would say go in and just start exploring without the goal of orgasm, and just take some lube, you've got, you know, a few drops of lube, and you just cut to rub it around, like, your labia, and like maybe over your pubic mount, you just start to like lightly like trace circles around your clitoris Maybe up and down maybe some tapping feels good or some circle or motion or a little more pressure Maybe you like take your fingers and like you rub like your clitorial hood a little bit and you just kind of

Teasing yourself and then you could start with your fingers and then you could kind of like Bring in a toy and thing is I had to learn this too like toys I would like to you know just go like right on your clitoris but you kind of go around it and you go and you just tease yourself in the same way I was describing with your fingers. But again keep breathing and just focus when you go into your mind like is this it is it happening is it happening just go back to what am I feeling in the moment. Oh my left lab labios tingling, that feels good. You know, oh God, does it happen? Go back to the moment what you're feeling and then breathing. And that would help you get there.

I will. I will get that in shot. Okay, Daniela. Also, we've got a lot. Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. We've a lot of great blogs on our site as well for beginner masturbation tips. Right, Jane? We'll put those at the on the show notes at sexwithelmy.com. Our show notes are there for you to help you with all the things we're talking about. To have better sex, have orgasms. I love that question, you guys. It's never too late to learn to orgasm.

Alright guys, thanks for listening to the show for supporting the show in our 14th year and for subscribing wherever you listen to the podcast, maybe leaving a review. We love that and sharing it with a friend. Okay, thanks to my amazing team, also Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-Mommy, feedback at sexwithemlee.com. you