Sex With Emily - Prostate Play & All Things Pleasure w/ Dolly Josette

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

In this episode of Sex With Emily, my friend and somatic sexologist Dolly Josette, The Pleasure Muse, returns to help us reconnect with our bodies and unlock deeper pleasure. She shares how to pleasure yourself and communicate those desires to your partner. You’ll walk away knowing how to heal trauma in your genitals, access the prostate for an epic orgasm (for all bodies!), and deepen intimacy with yourself and your partner to enhance your life. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why embodiment is the key to unlocking deeper pleasure and connection. Why releasing stored trauma (yes, even in your genitals!) can transform your sex life and help you feel more during intimacy. How to access the prostate for mind-blowing orgasms and greater sexual fulfillment. Show Notes: More Dolly Josette: Pleasure Muse | Instagram | Nashville Relationship Reboot Retreat Try the Enigma Double Sonic Today! Visit lelo.com and use code “EMILY20” at checkout for an additional 20% OFF any existing sales. Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

I started these HRT pellets, these hormone replacement therapy pellets. I had so much compassion for what men feel because I was like, oh my god, Jason, you're not going to believe this. I really want to fuck. I really need this. This is Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode, I speak with the pleasure muse and somatic sexologist,

Dolly Josette. I love Dolly. She's been on the show before, but today we really cover new ground about practicing embodiment to maximize our connection with ourselves and our partners. We discuss how to release trauma in our genitals. This might be the reason why your genitals aren't acting the way you want them to. You're not feeling as much. The importance of getting your daily touch fix and what my pleasure spot is.

And I bet it might be yours too. And finally, some real time info on how to access your partner's prostate to maximize pleasure. You're gonna love this episode with Dolly, and I also linked her previous episode in the show notes. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

It helps get the shot to more people, and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, OraxC's and Facebook. All the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, How to have a full body orgasm, 7 tricks to try and How to have

pain-free sex, 12 ideas are both up on SexWithEmily.com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. I love my sponsors on Sex with Emily, but one of my favorite companies to episode. I love my sponsors on Sex with Emily, but one of my favorite companies to work with is Vaya. When I tell you that you can walk into any room in my house and find a bottle of their Vaya gummies, it's true. They're not only delicious, but they really work.

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You're getting early access to their Black Friday discounts or hurry before it's over. Today I have the pleasure of speaking with a pleasure muse. That's right. We will be doubling your pleasure with Dali Josette. She is a somatic sexologist, a certified sexological bodyworker, intimacy and relationship coach, but more importantly, my very dear friend. Dolly came to town to help guests teach on the SmartSX membership and she's really led

some incredible courses there. And she's been on the podcast before. So glad you're back with us. And Dolly, I just wanna say what I love about you is that you truly walk the walk and talk the talk. Seeing how you move through life and how you approach everything in a truly embodied state with sensuality is an inspiration. And if you don't know what I'm talking about

and what that means to live that way, you will understand it by the end of this episode. So you specialize in somatic sexological body work and embodied learning. Explain what that is. Yes. Well, soma means of the body. So a somatic practitioner is we are trained in this body work approach, in the somatic approach that can be hands-on, hands-in as necessary. But we're looking at attachment, consent, how one experiences habits in their life, how are they relating to their bodies, to their partners, and how they can expand erotic expression in their body, how they can expand pleasure. For some people, pleasure might be an acceptable word.

When I add in the word erotic, they're like, oh, wait, whoa, triggers. And for some others who are really curious and have a lot of expansion already, and they try all kinds of things, but maybe they're wanting to deepen a connection and feel more. And there's a lot of somatic therapists

who are just having you track. What do you notice in your body when you tell me that story? Does that feeling feel familiar? Because we trap and hold stories and emotions in our fascia. And then when it comes to sex and intimacy, all the things that get trapped in the genitals. Oh my goodness. Like there can be just emotional blocks or

physiological blocks that we can help people unwind. So we're not there like you know creating an erotic connection with our clients where they're to hold space. I'm there to hold space for my clients so that they can start to know themselves sensually. So they can express themselves and develop confidence of, oh I'm noticing that. Oh I'm noticing this tingling. Oh, that feels good. Okay, great, now let's breathe with it. Like, let's move through that.

How can you expand it? So that we are adding in the pleasure, they're practicing that heart opening, and then they're adding in the arousal. So it's that whole thing of kind of that equation like that I talked about in the beginning. Yeah, so many of the people who reach out are saying, I've seen this in the Smarter Sex membership.

I've heard it with my listeners for 20 years. They're having sex after they get through the honeymoon phase, right? They're like, I don't know. It doesn't feel as good as it used to. I don't have as much desire for my partner or for sex in general. And when we ask them or they say to me, I don't know what I like. I don't know what I want. Like, how do I tell my partner what I want if I don't know what I want? Or often they say they don't even recognize they don't know

what they want. They don't know that it's even possible to figure out what they want, the wanting. So I give a lot of details and facts on the show, but until you actually are able to have your body set up so it's in a calm place where you can feel things, it's gonna be really hard to ever know what you want, sexually. What I love about the work that you do, Dolly,

is that it is so foundational. And this work, this embodied work, this somatic work, is the practices that people can do so they can feel more pleasure in their body. So they can figure out what they want sexually, what they need sexually, how to build their own arousal so they're not relying on a partner outside of them to bring it to them.

They have to start to create a container, a safe space in their body so they can feel it. And I know this from also working with you, you did sessions with me and a partner before, and that was so powerful to allow us to work with you to have a container to start to understand our attachment styles, how we needed attention from each other, how we need to touch from each other. And the other part

of this is you talked about how we store trauma in our genitals. Can you say more about that? Because I feel like, what do you mean? Like, it's in there, like can I get it out? Do I look at it? It's not even just in the genitals. It's in the whole body. It's in the fascia. So if I were to just quickly tell, you know, your listeners, just take a breath and just think for a minute, a time when you felt so happy. When you're just like, oh my gosh, so much delight. Just think of that moment and you're gonna start to feel some emotions like in your body. Where were you? What is the view? Then think about a time when you were so sad. So absolutely sad. I can remember a time when you were sad Emily and we had a big conversation about that. Yeah. Now let's let go of that moment and let's pull in

some turn-on. When have you been so turned on? I love it. Yeah. So like in just these three quick examples I can just say it and you actually conjure up the feeling and the emotion. So this is the stuff like the body keeps the score stuff when all this research in the in like the body keeps the score stuff, when all this research in the early 70s, that like, oh, somebody who's been in a car accident, you can just talk about it. And they would connect people with whatever the scientific devices are.

I was going to say EKGs, but I don't know if that's the correct term. And they would monitor just talking about it. And it was as if their body was back there. So this is correct. And so imagine then you bring in the trauma or the PTSD from our veterans or stuff that happens with people's bodies. I had an awesome intake call with some new clients.

And the husband spoke eloquently. You could hear the love and the tenderness and what he wants for him and his wife. Married 16 years, together 20 years, and he's talking about this level of disconnection that she has and that she shared some recent trauma stuff and some personal things that they're discovering. And then I said, I was like, thank you. You shared that so eloquently and and then I said it was like thank you you shared that so eloquently and then I said well let me hear from you you know I want to hear from the wife and it wasn't a session

but then she she started to speak and I could hear like shakiness in her breath and then it went quiet and then I said you know what you don't have to say anything hearing your husband say these words brought up this emotional stuff. Like here you are having this conversation for the people who do take the time to write on a piece of paper. This is what's going on for us.

This is the help that we want. Then making the phone call, then scheduling a Zoom or coming to, like these are brave people who are entrusting in somebody. So it's really important to find somebody that you connect with, that you feel safe with. What I am speaking to first with my clients is their nervous system.

So you talk about like, oh, what do we need to get out of our genitals to get to sex? That's like multiple steps away. We are first dealing with nervous system. We are first dealing with what is showing up for you and how can you interact with love. Feeling it in your personal experience is stage one. Admitting it, sharing it with somebody because there's shame around it and the shame lives in the darkness. So you add light to it by sharing with it and by healing. I remember I went to see a therapist way before my time because I

was always in talk therapy and this was probably 25 years ago. I had a friend sent me to her therapist. I walked in there. I was in my 20s and she said the therapist said to me, hi nice to meet you. Okay why don't you sit there and then she asked me something. Her second question was where do you feel that in your body? And I said, I was so angry, Dolly, because I knew, I said, I don't feel anything. I only feel anxiety. I don't know what you're talking about. And I was, it was like in my mind, the worst therapy session I ever had because it felt too out there. Everyone talks about wanting a deeper connection and wanting to feel more and wanting to know what they feel and wanting to have more orgasms. But until you actually do this very specific practices around actually being still and

breathing and listening to what you feel, it's going to be hard to get everything else that people want. Sometimes I would get annoyed in therapy sessions when it was like, well, tell me about it. How do you feel? You kind of want to go to somebody to give you the solution, right? Yeah. That's why you go talking, talking. You're like, just tell me. What do you see?

Tell me what you're observing. But in the practice of sexological bodywork, we're not already just going right hands to body. I mean, there's some beautiful practices when somebody is ready for that. But you mentioned a little while ago about you coming in with your partner to do some work with me.

I mean, we had some great sessions, Emily. I was so incredibly proud of you and what showed up in that space, but one of my favorite moments you were on the massage table and he was he was straddling the massage table and holding your hips. So this is kind of the beginnings of just like, of having a partner help to ground and connect. And then I'd have you like open your eyes and look at him and then close your eyes and, you know, have you guys exchange some words. And then I always say, do you want more of this or do you want to move on? And then you said, no, no, no, we can go, we can go. And I think we did get to the vulva hug, which

is both of his hands just kind of over and just holding. But you were like, no, but we can keep going. I was like, well, just feel into this. Just take a breath and see what you can just absorb in terms of his connection, his love. And there was something that happened. They're like, oh, I can't like I can take, I don't have to go anywhere and do anything. I can just receive. Yes. Because you were like, oh, don't we have to get to this? Don't we have to get to that?

Don't we forget that? And so just getting that groundedness. And that was even just, I don't, was it the Volvo Hug or was he just holding me down, holding my like, it was just the Volvo Hug or was he just holding me down, holding my, like, it was just a grounding practice. It was just hip holding. It was just hips. It was a hip holding, but I just, it was so, and what we're saying is like, even after this work that, you know, doing it with you with a partner was amazing because on my own,

we've done a lot of work together, but bringing someone else into that, because now I'm remembering this exact moment because what it echoed to me is even though I know how important is for my pleasure, how important is to receive in that moment I thought well we have an agenda, Dolly's here to help us, I want to make sure we get to my partner, have we spent too much time grounding me in the connection package we were learning and it's so meta and that's what happens that's why therapy is so magical because you recreate scenarios that you do in your daily life, hopefully with a therapist. So in that moment, as our coach, you were like, you're doing this, this is like, are you sure you don't want more?

And you gave me permission to be like, oh yeah, no, I don't, I really need this. And then we took more time for me to feel more grounded. So many minutes. And we were just with your hips before we even got to genitals. It was just the hip holding. And we saw your whole body soften and I looked at him and he looked at me. We're like, wow. And you were just breathing. And you were just like radiating this relaxation. And so think about that in a sexual connection or something or somebody's going down on you. Like, let's bring this back to this. Then you're like looking at the clock. How long is he going to be there? Then do I have to stay there?

When it's my turn, do I have to do this for this many minutes? What's the agenda? What's the sex agenda? And then what are you not doing? You're not being present. You're not feeling the pleasure. So for real embodiment to happen and real building all of this arousal cycle. It's like giving that focused time.

Yes, you're number one, want to receive this and that you are able to actually be present and receive. But that is a big thing that many women write to me, like I can't receive. I can't receive. I mean, we did a lot of exercises this week that people can find on the Smartest Sex membership. You actually taught some of these grounding techniques that people can do on their own. So thank you for doing that. And everyone can check that out. Join us in

the membership because it was a good time. So Dolly and I met 10 years ago doing somatic training together. And I thought, how do... It almost felt like, how do I bring this to my listeners? How do I explain this on, before we were doing video, how do I explain how to be embodied? But it's always like, we've tripped ourselves, we're like, it's a felt experience. You can't keep talking about something all the time. Like you keep talking about this amazing trip to France

and what you did and what you ate and the croissants and the Eiffel Tower, but until you're actually there and you're feeling it and you're seeing it and that's very much what embodiment is. You're reminding me of a really great session I had a few weeks ago with a client in Nashville. So we'd been doing a lot of foundational embodiment stuff. We even did a vulva and vaginal mapping where I administered the touch to her and she was not feeling a lot of things down there and she kind of was feeling a lot of things down there. And she kind of was feeling a little disheartened.

But I gave her my remediation plan so that she can start to bring in more sensation in her body. And she did have an actual surgery near her tailbone. So she's like, oh my god, did I cut off sensation because of my nerve damage and all of this kind of stuff. So I said, you know what? Next next time we're gonna do an anal mapping and understand what's going on with your we'll do some remediation on your scar tissue back by your tailbone to like bring in and see what we can notice but

before we do any more mapping I want you to actually feel sensation and pleasure in your body. So we scheduled what I call a tumescence massage, which is like a sensual massage where we're touching and exploring like her legs, the back of her knees, you know the inner thighs, the neck, the back. So she's on her belly first and I'm doing the whole back, the back, the side bodies and then we flip her over at the end, we incorporate some genital stuff, but it's not even about that. It's like bringing in this full body, like sensation and arousal into your body.

And she said something really key. She sat up on the table and she was just like glowing and radiating. And I said, you know, what are you noticing? And she said, all of the years of therapy and me thinking that I was broken just went out the window. She says, I have never felt so cared for and so nurtured. And my body feels so alive and I feel so many things.

And I didn't know I could feel this way. And so it's this aspect of literally touch. We are humans. We are mammals. We need touch. I mean, it makes me emotional because I think I crave touch. I think about like love languages. Acts of Service is such a love language for me.

But touches, I don't think I got it enough. My mother was a single mom, busy this, that. But there was my one aunt, two of my aunts, my aunt Bella, my auntie Stella. They just wanted to hold you and just love you and just pet your hair. And you crave that. So it's like the things that you crave you want to give back. So like when I hold the space for my clients it's like

nourishing them and giving them that and then they're starting to feel linking it to the sensual and the sexual because that's what they're there for. But first of all it's like healing these other things. So when she said all these years in therapy where I felt broken and I don't feel that now. The problem with sex is that we jump right to the sex and touching the genitals and what you're talking about is a true awakening because a lot of us have kind of shut off our nerve endings,

we are nervous systems are so fraught that we actually can't feel anymore. And so you're talking about awakening just all the receptors so we can feel everything everywhere. We're so living this life of being on our technology and our computers and we're not sometimes touching anyone or really connecting with anybody. And this is why we have this one of the reasons we have this epidemic of loneliness. Yes.

Coupled with not having touch or connection, coupled with AI taking over everything, like it really makes me feel like the foundational thing is we can all even give ourselves touch. Like I love that you showed that we could just do this, right? We can do this ourselves. It's really important to think about adding in this idea of one-way touch sessions where you can truly just receive. Yeah, let's talk idea of one-way touch sessions where you can truly just receive. Yeah, let's talk about that one-way touch and how that could, and maybe an easy way

or a useful way people could bring that into their own relationships. It's this idea, I think with schedules, wouldn't it be nice for each of us to receive a one-way touch per week? But with everybody's schedules, it's a little little a high expectation. So I say one week once a month. So if you're in a partner relationship, one of you is the giver, one

of you is the receiver, and it's the giver's job to plan the time. You agree to the time but to plan the setting. So you're not coming home like, oh, where's the massage table? Where's the sheets? No. Or setting up like pillows and all the yummy things in the bed. I remember one time you said, my love language is to have my sex toys charged and cleaned, ready to go. So then your partner would know like to bring out your favorite things and to have all the niceties out, the candles on, the music on, creating a new playlist. You could make a bath for somebody.

Baths are one of my favorite things. And then at the end, get a special lotion and just say, I made you a bath. I'm going to just apply the lotion so that you're massaging and touching. It's this idea of bringing in touch and not having this expectation that then your needs and your arousal so that the person can feel that nourishment and that healing. This is when sexual touch and sensual touch can be healing when there's no expectation to

return the favor. We'll be right back after a short break but first I got to tell you about Lalo. So I've talked a lot about G-spot orgasms, but today I'd like to tell you about another feel-good spot, A-spot. This is a sensitive area along the front of the vaginal wall, about two inches deeper than the G-spot, and applying pressure to the A-spot can lead to the most incredibly deep cervic-focused orgasms. But let's be real, it can be hard to find all of our internal spots, especially considering this one is even deeper than the G-spot and might be hard to hit with our fingers alone,

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If you're looking for a hands-on way to take your sex life family 20. If you're looking for a hands-on way to take your sex life to the next level, you got to come join me at the Smartest Sex Community. I've loved talking to all of you over the past 20 years on my podcast, but this membership takes a conversation from a monologue to a dialogue. Now the membership just launched. We've already created such an engaged community. Each month has a theme and everyone's just engaging and learning so much.

I've just loved connecting with all of you. And it has it all. It has interactive workshops with some of the brightest minds in the sexual health and wellness spaces, monthly Q&A's with me, exclusive video content that you can only find here and so much more. My personal favorite aspect of the membership is the community. SmartSX is truly unique. It's like a one-of-a-kind experience that allows you to grow alongside a like-minded group of people and it's a truly safe space to grow and open up and talk to others about

what you are actually going through in your relationships and your sex life. And within SmartSX, I've already seen an incredible support system of people coming together, becoming friends, cheering each other on. I've been wanting to do this for years and it's happening. We are starting a pleasure revolution and I would love you to join us. So sign up now, go to my website, sexwithemily.com and click on the membership tab. That's sexwithemily.com and click the membership tab. Check it out now and change your sex life for the better. Check it out now and change your sex life for the better. Talk about you and your partner, you and Jason, if you will. Well, I'm in a new renaissance, actually, these last few months. Do you remember when we were kids and this game, Hungry Hungry Hippo?

Yeah. Okay. and this game, Hungry Hungry Hippo. OK, so what's been happening for me lately is Hungry Hungry Pussy. What happened? I started these HRT pellets, these hormone replacement therapy pellets. And so my testosterone was 21, and it shot up to 480. And now they want to bring it down. But Emily... They're like, don't.

I had so much compassion for what men feel because I was like, oh my God, Jason, you're not going to believe this. And I'm such a sensual, energetic, like sex for me can or cannot happen. I can just get off with all kinds of other things and not with penetration. But I was like, I really wanna fuck. Like I really need this. And so this whole thing of hormones and because now there's all this myth about what it does to you, but there's new studies and new reports

that it actually is gonna help, especially women with like not having dementia, not having these things, because we need these hormones. So I've been in menopause for two years, I'm 53. And I didn't realize how lackluster I was with the hormones because I was doing all kinds of things with all my training, all my embodiment.

Perimenopause, just so you all know, can last for up to 10 years for many women. It can be like age 40, what is it, 42 to 52 is the perimenopause. And that's when they're finding that hormone replacement therapy is helpful for the majority of women, whether or not you have history of cancer, breast cancer. But menopause is a stage where you don't have a period for a year. So I just want to define that. But it can be the struggle bus.

It's a struggle. And what happened to me, so perimenopause was all these emotional ups and downs, but come the new year, I just had a lot of atrophy and things felt like smaller. Like things were shrinking. In your vagina. Yes. And let me tell you, if Jason can get in there, he was like, wow, this is like amazing. But it wasn't feeling so good to me. And when I got on the HRT pellets, it actually balanced everything out. And so I was, that's what I'm saying. I'm feeling like I'm in this like new phase.

I feel like young again. And Jason's loving it. How does your sex life look? Well, now you've got the HRT, which is amazing, but how would you say it looks like now 15 years in? Well, he and I made a conscious choice. This is both of our second marriages. And we made a real conscious choice that we were going to keep sex and intimacy high up. So it literally has to be a choice. I love this kind of expression. I love the sensuality.

It also does feed into a little bit of what I would call my core erotic theme, which I want to talk about in a little bit. But like Jason and I made it a priority. So even if somebody's not feeling something, then we're still planning and doing something that's maybe feeding the other person. So I was like, Jason, what was I like like sexually before I did all this training? And he's like, Dolly, the way you expressed yourself, you were already very embodied. And I was thinking, how did I get to be that way?

And I really think I had a lot of long distance boyfriends. So I had a lot of practice, like masturbating long term and discovering my own body, because I didn't have somebody in person. So who I had discovering my own body because I didn't have somebody in person. So who I had were my own hands. So I learned a lot of embodiment stuff on my own like from a long time ago, but when I did my training I started to realize there were some things that I was doing where I was hijacking my own body. So we had to go through like a new learning where Jason, all of Jason's sexual needs were not getting met.

And I had to like heal my sensual needs and my and these other needs that I had. And I was like, wow, there are some things with sex that I wasn't ready for. And that and he and he said there was a little bit more stopping and I've had to learn how to get the readjustment. So like a good example. Okay, give me an example. So, okay, I was getting on the plane to come to California this week. And I was packing and then I had a call

about something of my mom's cancer that I'm gonna be traveling to go tend to that. So I got in a mood. And we had been busy, but again, because we wanted to prioritize, I'm. So I got in a mood and we we had been busy but again because we want to prioritize I'm not gonna see you for a week I was like Jason I was like I I don't think I can just go and have sex like I literally am NOT in the mood but I you know what I really need I need to get out of my head can you set up the bed and with it the under like bed handcuffs and and do the

whole thing it's like I got it and do the whole thing. He's like, I got it. And he knew exactly what to do. He knew what blanket to go get, that once my body gets on the blanket, I just like, oh, there it is. So I jumped in the shower and I just wanted to not think. He knows putting a blindfold on me starts to calm my mind. So he ties me up and then he just starts touching. He just starts bringing in touch and then he started to go down on me and he was feeling so great but then I was getting that craving right? The hungry hungry pussy vagina. I'm like wait I want something in me. So I was like oh I really want your finger in me. So then he was like he's like okay he puts his finger in me but

he puts his finger in me. I'm like, whoa, no, not like that. He's like, oh, but that's what you wanted. I was like, no, no, no, just at the entrance. Just kind of tease it. Just like kind of go in. He's like, oh, OK. And then he readjusted. In the past, especially when we were learning these things,

he would get a bit defensive. Oh, I'm not doing it right. Oh, I'm not this. And so now we've moved to a place, and if I need to make adjustment for him, it's like, oh, thank you for telling me. It's more of like, thank you, because we want our partner to feel good.

And so he said, okay, let me readjust my body. And he came from a different position, from kind of like at the top angle down, like using his tongue that way, and then he used his finger kind of coming up under. So we use teasing the introitus, which is the opening of the vagina. And we also have, I don't think people know this,

we have what's called a prostate head. So just on the edge, right on the upper, you can feel like another like high- It is a prostate. Yeah, it's a female. But you have to, what we're talking about, I could just show it like in the one finger and just it doesn't matter if that part doesn't show. Just going in the inside. Yeah it feels billowy on the inside. For many the

penis is going in and that should feel good. It might but for many it might not. And so what we're talking about is the finger going right in here here's a, it's just going right inside and applying pressure to the, towards the pelvic floor. Towards the 12 o'clock, towards your belly button. Towards your belly button. Yeah. Right here you guys. It's like there's a, women have a tissue there that feels great when simulated. I'm very much the same way. That is my spot. I'm aroused turned on. It's right here. It's a little bit at the entrance. Not that. But it can be. But in this moment. In this moment for Dolly and for me. Yeah. It's not that. Yes. She's abusing me with this vulva. Sorry. I just. It just gets so like, I just want everyone to understand it.

I know. So this is an example of knowing what you need and want. In the past, I would have been like, oh, I just came. You're turned on because I'm turned on. Yes, put your cock in me. Let's go. And I was not ready for that. I was still like in the bliss of my pleasure.

And then having that connection for my husband and him able to like ask well you know I said oh no then he populated the menu what if I just lay on you and I can put you do other things on the menu that you might want usually we have nothing on the menu he penetrate jaculate yeah and so then when I like like chilled out and calm down I was like oh my gosh this is feeling really good I am now so ready to give to you. What would you like? And he's like well Since we kind of got into your prostate. I was like, oh you want some prostate stimulation?

So we did this whole thing where he likes a little bit of the prostate and then like a hand job he likes a little bit of the prostate and then like a hand job. Okay. But we first interact with the prostate and as soon as I make contact with it with my finger, then he's like, oh, I can feel the blood. I can feel the prosthetic fluid moving. Do you want to explain this experience? We get a lot of questions about how to see the prostate. So do you want to slow down and explain that? So first, before you stick any fingers in, you are kind of massaging at that perineum right underneath the testicles. I'm getting lube. I also, I don't know if it's because I'm a practitioner, I don't know, I wonder if

other practitioners do this, but when I go inside my husband's anus, I do put on the glove. And I use my other hand without a glove to work on his cock. But to me, it's just, I don't know, it just makes it easier. So I start also massaging his anus. But if I'm not going to go inside, that doesn't matter. I know my hands are clean. The glove doesn't matter.

Yeah, the glove doesn't matter. But I knew I was going to go inside. So I'm massaging the anal sphincter and just kind of getting things warmed up. And just being with him, giving a little bit of a touch, looking at him, glancing, watching his breathing. And then as I'm massaging that, then just saying, you know, let me know when you're ready for me to go in. And I will put my finger and I'll say squeeze your anus, so I can

squeeze it and kind of feel the sphincter so I know I'm in the right spot. And then there's, you know, kind of going in very slowly. And then he's kind of adjusting his body to that. He's like, okay, come in a little bit more, come in a little bit more. And so then when I connect with the prostate, it feels like a little walnut. And again, it's towards, he was kind of sitting with his back up angled, you know? So it would be, I was going up towards the ceiling, up towards the belly button, you know, up 12 o'clock, and then kind of again pulling forward.

So he's on his back and his leg. He's on a kind of sitting up, half sitting up. Okay. And I'm on the bed. Like on the bed? Okay. On the bed. And so I'm kind of coming up under here and I'm kind of a little bit more on my knees.

Sitting next to him. He's sitting next to him, like with my legs down, facing him, and then adjusting my body once I start to touch his cock. But he likes to feel the stimulation only of the prostate first, because then he starts to feel the prosthetic fluid going in towards the penis. And that's him starting to feel arousal.

It's like massaging. It's like you're milking the prostate. That's what it means. Yeah, you're milking the prostate. It starts moving the fluid. And then he's like, OK, I'm ready for you to touch my cock now. So then I'm doing the hand job and then as that starts to build arousal then he's okay with me touching and going a little bit more intense

with the prostate. And y'all I did ask my husband if I could tell this story. I want to emphasize is that what we're talking about here is more of a responsive desire process where a lot of couples think that they are going to spontaneously both at the same time be in the mood for sex when they're in a relationship. That doesn't happen for most couples. That morning, I did not want to have sex.

I did not want to have,. I did not want to have. I was in a bad mood. I was like, oh can I have another day here? Do I need to travel today? I was like not in the mood, but because we prioritize it. Because we knew and I didn't want to leave you know for a week and not have some connection with my husband. And then I said you know I don't want this but I could use that. And we didn't end up having like penis and vagina. It was enough what we did. We felt so satiated, so nourished. So this was kind of an example of a one-way touch, but where we did, you know, tip for tat, we both took turns. But again, he gave me my space to have my recovery.

But again, he gave me my space to have my recovery. Yeah. You know? Yeah, that's true. So yeah, it feels a little embarrassing. I'm noticing a little bit of embarrassment. Oh, really? I mean, I understand that. Like if people are judging about it, and my husband said,

oh, will people judge? I was like, you know what? I'm so proud of you because we've explored this. We never explored any of this until we went to our own sexological body worker before I even discovered what this profession was. Well, Chris and Dolly, people always judge. People judge you for pleasure. Yeah, you're right. Let people judge you, but like this is everything I talked to y'all about, about being in your

bodies, asking for what you want, not having performative sex, understanding how to turn yourself on, understanding what you want in bed, understanding how to talk to your partner about it so you both get your needs met. And Dolly just explained to me, it was a beautiful example of couples negotiating sex, figuring out what they need, prioritizing pleasure. So you could all go fucking judge all you want,

but usually where we judge is where we, there's a glimmer, like something like, oh, I was judging, why do I have such a strong reaction to that? So maybe this is some work. The thing about it is when you explore these new areas, right, you don't know, like there's this edge of like, your edge, what is your edge? What are you comfortable with?

What are you curious about? So again, like, I think people think that sex has to be like in the movies, like you just going to walk into a room, and like rose petals are going to fall from the sky, and the music cues in. Like, we want everything just to be automated, right? And we don't have to put in any planning and preparation. And I don't know if I've said this

on one of the former podcasts, but it's worth repeating. Everybody thinks that sex, like when you first started to date somebody, was so spontaneous. Yeah, there was newness. You never saw somebody, this person naked before, whatever. But there was nothing spontaneous about that. It's the same thing with long-term relationships. Yesterday, when I had a break from doing our other stuff, I went into Trashy Lingerie. It's a great store in LA.

I went and bought this sexy Oktoberfest outfit. I don't need to do this, but I want to surprise him. I'm doing the extra effort. That's the thing about this whole spontaneous sexual desire or responsive. Number one, with responsive, are you a yes? Are you a yes to experiencing something new? So you have to have some consent like, Yeah, I do want

you to touch me. I do want to experience this. What is pleasure? What is your relationship with pleasure? How are you bringing an embodiment to enhance your pleasure? What is your focus? Are you in a private setting? Are you, you know, are the kids, you know, with a babysitter, like all of that kind of stuff? And then learning what your body needs. Like how much time do you like? Are you the microwave or are you the oven?

Do you know, do you need to preheat the oven? Sex isn't going to be this perfect movie thing. There's going to be some clunkiness. And sometimes taking those one-way touch sessions to like, let's see what I want. So it's like a lab. You're like just trying things out. So then now fast forward to the story that I just explained with Jason and I, we know what works. And it's never the same. It's always different each time. But it's like part of. It's always different each time, but it's like part of our menu. Thank you for sharing all of this.

I often tell my listeners that my goal is a lube on every nightstand. I think that's very important to have lube. It enhances every sexual situation. If you had a magic wand, which I know you actually probably do, but sex toy aside, if you could get everyone to do one thing, what would be on your wishlist?

To increase your experiences with full body touch. I think it's really missing. I think getting that experience of touch, and if you don't have a partner to practice touch, this is where my embodied, the things that we started to do in your smart sex. Smart sex membership. Dali's been here for a week, and we've been creating some incredible content that can help people learn how to do the touch that we're talking about. And activating full body touch of yourself, and then even prioritizing like going to massages. And deep tissue massage is one thing, but then maybe

even finding somebody who really specializes in kind of like a more yin feminine touch so that you can start to feel that like access or again finding a local sexological body worker to do one of these beautiful tumescence kind of sensual like just awakening the body, awakening the nerve endings. We need more touch. Yes, I love it. Okay, Dalie, this is a, we're gonna play a little bit of a game of this or that. Just choose the first one that comes to your mind.

Okay. Okay, lube or lick? Lick. Spontaneous adventure or planned dinner date? Spontaneous adventure, and that's kind of opposite of me. Chocolate or cheese? Not fair, these are my two favorite things. I'm sorry, it's hard.

Cheese, I'm a little mouse. Bite or scratch? B fair. These aren't my two favorite things. I'm sorry. It's hard. Cheese. I'm a little mouse. Bite or scratch? Bites. Oh my god, I love good biting. Tied up or tie up? I like being tied up. Leather or feather?

Touch me with a feather, but let me smell some leather. I love it. Quickie or just oral? Oral. Clitoral or vaginal orgasm? Oh, I love my deep vaginal orgasms. And there's so many too, not just one, there's multiple ways to orgasm vaginally.

Thanks, Dolly. Now I have some questions from, this is somebody from one of our listeners and part of our membership. This is from Christy and she said, this past week has been so helpful to me. I love the live stream workshops and the Q&A's. It's been very informative and most importantly personal. Dolly was a

cherry on the top. Her energy is inspiring. I've been struggling with being in my body for as long as I can remember and you both made the practices seem very easy to incorporate in my day to day. How long did it take Dolly to make her embodiment practice stick? It's fun to start new things but I find it hard to consistently come back to it. Thanks for everything you've done so far Emily and team. You inspire me every day." So it's a bit of an ebb and flow because sometimes I'll be really into my practice and then sometimes I get out of it. Okay so but in the beginning when I was first starting with the practice and like let's say beginning when I was first starting with the practice

And like let's say specifically when I was doing my sexological bodywork training I Would say it takes at least a month to a couple of months Because if you're not going to do something every day But you make a commitment like three or four days a week Or you have a longer practice on the weekend if you have more time after work, but it's like showing up for yourself. So what ends up happening is from the body anger

to the vulva hug, to activating your whole body, or doing some embodiment work before masturbation or before partnered interaction, getting in that practice, your body will start to crave it. So they always say, I mean, this is, they always say like 21 days to get a new practice. Okay. So you're, you're moving through habits. You're trying to break the habits of just grabbing the vibrator and just putting it in and getting the job done. Okay. We all know our go-to of how we can just quickly get off, but how can you just take a little bit more time to spend

with your body? Because you're going to start to realize your body is craving your attention. I love this client in some vulva hugging and like tracking what was showing up for her. And when I asked her, does your vulva have a message for you? And she stayed quiet for a moment and then she said she's saying I've been craving this I've been so lonely I'm

glad you're here I've been really wanting your attention our bodies want our attention we are craving and longing to be held in love by somebody. Well your body is also actually craving that from you first. So look to see where you are abandoning your body to go and prioritize other people and coming back to your body. So when you think about that, like or think about even yourself, like your little self self tending to your needs. Not even the sensual or the sexual needs, just the emotional needs of holding and hugging that.

You know what I was talking about, the hug maintenance, the dancing, the touching, the beautiful bubble baths. Just finding places where you can find embodiment that it's not a practice. If bring embodiment to your day-to-day life, then it becomes easier. Slow down when you eat. Don't just bite a piece of chocolate, that whole chocolate cheese thing. Like smell that stinky cheese. Let those like that feeling in your mouth. Smell the chocolate, let it melt on your tongue. Don't chew it.

Slow everything down and find moments of embodiment so that it's not like, I'm going to sit here and do a 20 minute vulva hug embodiment meditation where people get tuned off to that. It really is about the integration into your everyday life. Like saying like, OK, I've noticed that I haven't even noticed anything I've done today.

I mean, today I don't remember driving from home to work. I don't remember, I was just not embodied. So even just after all these practices, you can just say even for a second today, for these next 20 seconds, I'm gonna breathe. Or I'm going to notice my senses around me. I'm gonna smell the candle. I'm gonna look at the lights.

I'm gonna, you know, see how I feel and where my feet are. My feet are on the ground. Just all these practices of just being present. Eventually, when you realize you are feeling disconnected or disassociated from yourself, your body will be telling you that you're craving it and that you are seeking this kind of practice. It will tell you when you stop doing it though. Because like it's this whole thing, I have this thing about thirst. You, if you stop drinking like a lot of liquid,

the whole like thirst mechanism, your body won't make you crazy, like to keep telling you you're thirsty. You will like actually get away with drinking less liquid, but if you start drinking more liquid, like if you start exercising, then your thirst mechanism awakens. Your body's like, hey, wait, what?

Or you might have some sort of response where you get frozen or shut down or emotionally. This is when Jason helps me. He'll put on the Mariah Carey, All I Want for Christmas song. I don't care what time of year it is, if he sees me like in this something frozen for whatever I'm going through, he's like, oh, I know what you need.

And he plays a song. And I freaking can't help it. I just like start moving. Or the, and the other thing that works for me too is Led Zeppelin, I will have to say. So you know the things that you need to, to pull yourself back into your body. To bring yourself back into your body. Yes. So embodiment is a practice, but we all, even me, get out of practice or something shows up and then it just goes away for a few days or a few whatever.

It's like, wow, man, I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like the pleasure muse. Christy, if you can do some sort of embodiment for four breaths a day, just put your hand on your heart, put your hand on your heart, put your hand on your belly, just breathe in and connect. Tell yourself you love yourself. Put on a song. The other thing, do one song a day.

Something that inspires you and just gets you going. Like that you just wanna move your body and you feel joy, you feel pleasure. You feel maybe there's a song that you feel really sexy and then to move your body and you feel joy, you feel pleasure, you feel maybe there's a song that you feel really sexy and then you move your body differently. Like find one thing. What are you focusing on now?

What are you excited about in your work? I am excited about these private retreats that I'm doing in Nashville. Beautiful high-rise apartment, couples fly in or drive in, and they stay there. I've also had single women come in and do their own work and it's really beautiful. I come in during the day and we do our in-person sessions. So I'm really really excited about that.

How can people find you to do all that? A pleasuremuse.com. Great. Dali, so fun. You can find Dali at her Instagram account. It's pleasuremuse and her website is pleasuremuse.com. She's got some great retreats coming up. Relationship reboot retreat, curated private retreats for couples in the heart of downtown Nashville. So you can revitalize your sensual and sexual relationship and learn life long pleasure skills. We do some great exercises for our Smart Sx community, which I appreciate and if you all want to join that community or check it out you can go to sexwithemily.com slash membership where you can do some of the

practices some Dolly's unique practices just for a few minutes a day feel the experience of being in your body if only for a few seconds and I think a lot of this is going to make more sense and you're going to have more pleasure in your body for sure. Thank you so much Dolly for being here. Oh it's always my pleasure. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up on SexWithEmily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.