Sex With Emily - Radical Confidence is Sexy w/ Lisa Bilyeu

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

Housewife turned billion-dollar co-founder Lisa Bilyeu is the picture of confidence: she’s got a thriving business, a partner she adores, and basically, is a literal boss. But she also overcame illness, insecurity, and massive relationship challenges to get where she is today.In her new book Radical Confidence, Lisa shares the lessons that changed her life, and helped her become the hero of her own story. On today’s show, I ask her about keeping the sexual spark alive in a longterm relationship, the “purgatory of the mundane,” and how to have a growth mindset with your partner.Show Notes:More: Radical ConfidenceMore Lisa: Instagram How to Find The Best Lube for You Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's like, okay, you're bullied as a kid Lisa, so you're worried about being rejected. Today, okay, yes, that's great. So now let's just take that for a reality. I'm worried about this fear over here that's holding me back, but what's my goal? Get on the date. So now, what's actually more important? Going on the date and reaching your goal or letting your insecurity take over. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you

prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Housewife turned billion-dollar co-founder Lisa Bilyu is the picture of confidence. She's got a thriving business, a partner she adores, and basically is a literal boss. But she also overcame illness, insecurity, and massive relationship challenges to get to where she is today. In her new book, Radical Confidence, Lisa shares the lessons that changed her life and helped her become the hero of her own story. On today's show, I ask you about keeping the sexual spark alive in a long-term relationship,

the purgatory of the mundane, and how to have a growth mindset with your partner. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do it. My intention is to give you tips to be more confident in the world of sex and dating. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article How to Find the Best Loop for You is up at sexwithemily.com. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show.

Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Lisa Bily was the co-founder of the billion dollar company Quest Nutrition and co-founder and president of Impact Theory. She's the host of Women of Impact, a show featuring women who have overcome incredible hardship to achieve massive success. She's the author of the brand new book Radical Confidence, 10 No BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life. Lisa's mission is to empower all women to become the heroes of their own lives.

Find more of Lisa on Instagram and Twitter at LisaBelieu and don't forget to get our new book, Radical Confidence. I want to know a little bit about the like now I'm seeing the after Lisa, the after Lisa who's has this toolkit. Tell me a little about the before Lisa. All right so I'm going to tell you about the before Lisa, but I am going to put a asterisks because a massive part of the before Lisa still lives in today's Lisa. That is so sweet and I really wish what you just said was actually true but it's not girl. I don't always feel confident and that was the thing that is literally why I wrote this book because people are like, oh my god, you're so confident. At least tell me that like what do you do? And I'm like, dude, you have no way they work on in my head Like, you need to listen to how me and this voice is in my head every single day, and she's still there.

So it's like, what you see, I think, is that I show up. What you see is that I don't let the fat that I feel badly about myself and that I might not be equipped to handle whatever I'm about to do. I may not have the skill set yet, but I still do it anyway. And that was really why I started to write the book

because I'm like, it is a big deceit, and it is hurting people. If they look at me and think of me as being unanimously confident, because what I think is the beauty comes in the fact that so often I'm scared shitless. When I came up with this book, I was like, who the hell is going to buy a book from me?

I don't know what I'm going to say. That actually came out of my mouth when the offer first came to me. And book from me? I don't know what I'm gonna say. That actually came out of my mouth when the offer first came to me. And so recognizing that I don't always feel good about myself, recognizing that I have this very negative voice that wants to keep me, hold me back, is very important. And now the book and what I talk about is, how do I keep moving forward?

How do I achieve these goals? How do I work towards this freaking big, or the extra stream of mine? Every single day when I'm petrified? Going to my childhood, I didn't even have this mindset that I'm talking about now. So here's really the key I think is that for eight years, I stayed at home supporting my husband, thinking that I needed the confidence to make a change.

Thinking that I'll have the life I want when this happens. I'll do this when my husband's happy, when I have the money, when I have the finances, when I have the confidence. And the question is, how did I get there in the first place? How did I get stuck for eight years? And now be the person who is like, I move forward no matter what.

So the person that I was when I first started was the person that I thought I had the dreams, I knew what I wanted, but I had the mindset that my parents, over time, growing up, kept telling me, slowly, slowly, these small subliminal messages being a young, with all the doc-scaled that eventually I would end up staying at home, supporting my husband and having children. So growing up, even though I had all these big dreams, I was subtly like dripped on by the messaging from my dad where he didn't want me to study film and then he gave up arguing with me and he's like, well, you're going to be a state-owned wife in a way so it doesn't matter what you study. Things like that. Getting patted on the head when I said I want to go to Hollywood

and make it in movies and you actually go, you get patted on the head and someone's like, ah, these are big dreams for a little girl like you. Those messaging is exactly what ended up leading me, I believe, to the life where I met the man on my dreams. I had these big dreams with the anxious goals and yet I slipped into being a supportive wife, feeling like I couldn't own who I was. And over the period of eight years, losing my hopes and dreams all along the way, never feeling like I had the confidence to speak up or deserve to have a different or better life. For us, some people can relate to growing up with a message, you're supposed

to get married, have kids, there's no choice. Everyone's telling you that around you, but it's actually, break out of that, is a challenge for so many. I think that's so inspiring because I hear from people all the time and we're like, they can't even differentiate between what they want and what their parents wanted or their grandparents. And I love that in your book, Grattle of Confidence, you spend a lot of time unpacking that. It's like the voice of your grandmother when she got your, my, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know,

she's talking back to you. I think there's so many great tools that people can say, oh, I have that voice too, whether it's around, you know, for many people, it's around marriage or kids or what you're going to do with your life. So you're able to break through something that helped you break through. And I love this term Lisa. I think this is going to stick everywhere. Is the purgatory of the mundane.

Now, that was when you were the house way for eight years and you're thinking like, what is happening? And I think so many of us can relate to that, especially after the last few years. We were all on our own purgondory, and it was pretty mundane. So can you talk about being in that place? Yeah, thank you. I love the pagatari Monday. So good.

And so the thing that I didn't realize was each day, look, it's not that bad today. How are you? I'm falling. How's life? Yeah, it's all right. You're kind of just shrug it off, right? And so that's what I did, day in and day out.

Now, before I kind of go really deep, I do really want your audience to hear. I use the example of where I was stuck. My stuckness was being in a role as a stay at her wife that didn't fill me up. So if someone right now, let's say is working their bar off, and all they want to do is be at home and support their family. That's my message, right? What are you doing? Does it align with who you want to be?

So for me it was the stay at home wife. I don't want to be there and I didn't think I would be there for long. I was like, oh, it's for the greater good, for the greater good of me and my husband, for our goals, we're going to make enough money so we can make movies. That was kind of like the dream when we first started. So every day I was like, I can handle this. It's just for 12 months, 18 months, not a big deal. So every day, what I was doing is I was self-suming. So self-suming is today, oh my god, I don't want to ask the question, am I happy? I don't want to ask the question, am I satisfied? Because I worry about the answer. So what I need to do is I need to distract myself. And I think so many of us do this. We have these little distractions every day that we lean into to help us overcome an emotion. For me, it was, I didn't want to

assess that I wasn't living the life that actually that I wanted. And so I was feeling my day with going to Costco and seeing like, how much can I get for as cheap as I can possibly get My weight my relationship with food. I would weigh myself every single morning. It was a distraction These little things that I was doing every day. And so I call it a pagotaro in mundane because my my life it never hit off bottom How many people go have you interviewed or you met? Incredibly successful. And they're like, it all started because I had nowhere else to go.

I hit rock bottom, my life was something major happened. And I realized I've got nothing else to lose. And that is what propels a lot of people. But what about to me, the hundreds and millions of us? The frickin' stuck in this place where we haven't hit a mock bottom and because we haven't hit a mock bottom, we tell ourselves who are you to complain? And this is where can we talk about gratitude? So this is where I go, where gratitude can be beautiful, right? When you're having a life where let's say in COVID, I'm stuck at home, it's really tough, you use gratitude as a way to

prepare you to think about the great things, right? It's like looking, sort of focusing on what is bad. Let's change our perspective and look at how amazing things are. It's wonderful. It's a great strategy in order to take you from going from a victim to them being in charge of your own life. Saying, okay, well, how can I think differently? But here's what I did go. I used that to dismiss my unhappiness. I used gratitude every day. I thought we were in my head, I had my husband, my everything's fun.

Yes. Who on earth do I think I am to complain about this era of my life when I'm so grateful to have a husband that loves me and look how many people don't have that. I'm so bored out of my life, but how on earth can I complain when I have a roof over my head?

So many other people don't have a roof over their head Lisa. And so the gratitude piece helped me initially and then kept me there. And because I didn't hit rock bottom, I kept being in the purgatory. You'll think a lot of us do that. Well, I could be on the street. I could be, there's so many ways that whenever we get

into our negative self-talk or build down on ourselves, we think about that, but I love this twist, and it's so as we can overdo it. Like that's just another way to distract yourself on what you actually want. So how about this applying some of these tools? Like how did the radical confidence help get you out of there? Like what would be the first step?

So I think for me, my journey was that I realized after eight years that the win may never come. So I was waiting for when we had enough money to make movies, when my husband is happy, when we're financially stable, right? Like I was always waiting for the win. It was either I'm gonna wait to have kids until we have the win. It was either I'm going to wait to have kids until we have the time.

And when I started to realise after eight years, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, respecting different results. And so we got to the point where I realised actually what was happening was the opposite. We were getting more and more unhappy. We were starting to chase an empty dream that didn't feel like it was ever going to actually happen. And so now it's like, okay, are we loving the journey? Because the success may never come. And the journey we realized was being miserable. I said to Tom, my husband, I don't care, let's stop chasing money. I need you to go in and quit your job, let's rethink our lives. Because right now it is not filling us up. And we thought had in a path, we thought we had to go and it's only

leading to more unhappiness. Now that ended up starting a whole cascade of what ended up being the him and his business partners started question nutrition. Now at this point I had the mindset and the belief that I was a great support of stay at home wife and that was the identity I had adopted over the

last eight years. And so when Tom said, all right, babe, we're going to start a new company. Now this is going to be predicated on passion. We're all really excited. But we still have to work and do our day job. And we'll start this company on the side. Do you mind just helping out?

Now, this is my journey where the helping out ended up being like, how I can do that? The identity being the good Greek wife steps in. Of course I can support you, babe. Of course I can do that. So what I did is every day, I would help, I'll ship a couple of bars here, do a couple of things over here, and I just thought it was no big deal. Now, what we didn't expect was the company would grow at 57,000%.

And so in that growth, I went in from shipping bars to my living floor on day one to two years later I had my own facility 10,000 square foot of just shipping 4040 employees underneath me and we were shipping out 80 million dollars of inventory, you know like and so it was insane. So the catalyst was Me breaking the habit of the everyday Hatter list was me breaking the habit of the everyday mundanity, mundanity of life, being forced into a situation that at the time, I didn't think I had the choice.

So our house was up for collateral. So if questions succeed, we would have lost our house. So that puts that into very simple terms, that every day when I thought I was handling something, I had no idea what I was doing, got the imposter syndrome or who the hell am I to walk into a room full of guys who have been business for 10 years and how here I am, what I've just been a boss of my two dogs for 8 years, like the imposter syndrome of course came out. So what did I do every time that happened? I was like, well Lisa, you can let the fear overtake, you know,

which leads to you losing your house because you're not acting, or you can absolutely move forward, even though you're scared. Now, telling someone to move forward, even though you're scared, sometimes it doesn't help. I hear you're telling me I need to, I hear you're telling me why I need to, but the fear and the voice inside me is so overpowering, it's so freaking strong that I can't move forward. That's what radical confidence is. And when I look back at it and it's like, what is the things that I did? How did I show up every day?

Even when I was freaking petriot, go to the point where, and any people to actually understand, we were shipping out, I was printing labels, and then it was like, we just grew so quickly. So okay, I have to learn this new shipping software. I had to write down step one, plug in the computer. Step two, switch it on. Step three, click this.

If this doesn't open, you need to read your computer. That's how much I didn't know what I was doing. And yet every time I even sat in front of the computer and I was like, oh my God, I have no idea what I was doing. And yet every time I even sat in front of the computer and I was like, oh my god, I have no idea what I'm doing. What the hell am I doing sitting here pretending like I know? I gave myself the option. Lisa, you can lose your house or you can face your fear and learn. You had such high stakes too of losing your house. What I love in your book is these tools, how to deal with imposter syndrome and the negative voices. And it was a really interesting perspective. I loved you.

You had some great strategies in there for dealing with them that I hadn't thought of before. I'm like, this is so great for no matter what you're dealing with, whether of your house on the line or you see it get up and go on a date or it's your first time having sex with somebody and your negative voice is telling you like, I can't do this. This person's had eight more lovers than I have. Why would they want to date me? I mean, this is this is negative self-talk and I think you have some great strategies if you could talk about that. Oh my God, 100% I freaking love this girl.

So number one, definitely start with the goal, right? A goal. Yeah, you need to know what the goal is. Okay. You need to know how to get sex. So let's say, okay, let's say I wanna go on a date and I want to, in fact, give me a real world example. What are the questions you get asked about?

Funny you should ask. We're just going to skip around here because I have some questions I really wanted you to help me answer. Oh, yeah. This is John 23 in New York. He's having a problem, regaining confidence in social skills post-COVID too. It's been really hard for people. So Dr. Embley Wannessarfe with saying I love the podcast. Thank you so much for sharing your wealth of knowledge. Here's been really hard for people. So Dr. Embley want to start with saying I love the podcast. Thank you so

much for sharing your wealth of knowledge. Here's a story. Graduated college in May of 2020 had a long term relationship that ended in July and single for a while. He says, I want to start dating again, but I feel like I've lost my confidence and social skills. How do I get back to being the social person I used to be around people with dating any help or advice would be appreciated? loving. Okay, great. This is perfect. So I want to go around people with dating, any help or advice would be appreciated. Love it.

Okay, great. This is perfect. So I want to go out and date. Let's just like condense it slightly. Because sometimes it becomes overwhelming. Like I want to go out and date and I want confidence. It's like, oh, there's so much. I'm like, okay, let's narrow it down.

That's the first thing. It's like take a deep breath and go, what is the actual goal? Because it's kind of like saying, someone said, I want to create impact. Okay, that's amazing. But that leaves you nowhere to go. Like there's so much types of impact.

Do you wanna impact someone on a global scale? Do you wanna impact one person? Do you wanna impact through writing a book? Do you wanna impact through doing a podcast? There's so many, right? So even with this question, it's like, let's actually narrow it down. Okay, let's take the first date.

I wanna have the confidence to go on a date. To now, it's like it doesn't become overwhelming or slug, but I need to be confident here, I need to be confident in bed. But what if it ends up leading? So no, no, no. Ah, take deep breaths. I need one thing.

Okay, have a North Star. So when everyone right now, to think about what that North Star is, be very succinct and be very, very actionable. So you know, did I do it yes or no right? Did I go on that date exactly night is my date next? Yes. So that's it's a binary it's yes or no I'm going to say all right for the next month I'm gonna work on myself so that I can go a date on a date on June 8th

it's just state whatever date and now you you've got okay call. You've got one date. You've set a time. And now it's a, did I move towards it? Yes or no? And now what you do, let's say you've got the month, now it becomes what are the small little stepping stones you can do to just go on a date. I'm not even, here what I'm saying, I'm not even saying I need you to feel that you're best, the most amazing person on that day. I didn't say that. I just said, you just need to go on this date. So how do we get there?

First of all, it needs to be one, open to the fact that you need to maybe ask someone on a date. Great. So you write down these steps, do you know what it looks like? Write down the steps. So maybe right now the person who wants to go on a date, maybe gets offered a lock. They get asked on the date and they just don't have the confidence to say yes.

That's what I need them to do right now. It's say how can I say yes? I'm not telling you to go on a date yet. The first step is how can I say yes. So what's someone right now to think about? How are they going to say yes to the next date? What does that actually look like? So, maybe right now, if someone's on a dating app,

maybe it's, you know what, I'm not even gonna look at their profile. Because right now it's not even about making an amazing connection. It's not about feelings, confident with yourself. Remember, I haven't said any of that. It is just how are you going to say yes? And the reason why I'm saying this girl is confidence comes from competence, which means right now

they're going to need to go on maybe 20 different dates of people they don't actually find attractive to build the competence to get confident and out so that when they're on dates with someone they start to feel the butterflies, they've done the groundwork. They love the way you talk to this throughout the book about competence equals confidence. Like you don't just get, you're not just wake up one day. If you're still waiting for a day to hit you, that you're like today on the worst confident effort, you have to do the steps and that might be 20 weird dates that even everyone doesn't matter.

But your goal is to get more confident when it's not just going to happen. It's by confidence means you practice, you did things, you went out there, you failed. Exactly. So making sure that you've set, going number one, then maybe the next person that asks you on the day, you're not going to see as a romantic thing or maybe you tell them because the idea of it is maybe uncomfortable. I'll leave that to the individual but this is how I think like the steps, put in the

next step, what's the next step going to be? I'm just going to reserve the time and day. Remember, I didn't say go on in the day, I'm just going to reserve the time and day. Okay, can you actually do that? Maybe it'll be, oh, you know what, I can actually do that. Maybe you must fail right before the day. I'm not even, you know, saying you have to commit self-indiscudement to the comms. Okay, now I've just said yes. Now what you're doing is you're building the skill set to say yes to a date and the skill set to book a date.

I haven't said confidence in any of that yet. Now the next step is I just need to go to the date. Great. All right. Now this is where you let all the negative voice see him. And they're coming fast. I'm going to show up. I'm going to hate it. I'm going to be late. Okay. We're at right. Oh, slow down. All right. Let's take one of those. Because this is the negative voice. All right. Tell me the first one. Okay. The first one is like, they're going to see me walk out. Okay. They're going to see me in walk out. Let's say that's actually the first fear. So what I do, and I talk about in the book, is I take this bit to my head, and I make on my best friend.

Now, as my best friend, me and you are such freaking good home as any people to know, that if you ask me the truth about something, about, let's say, something you were doing, and I was like, I actually have some constructive feedback. As your friend, you would rely on me to be truthful to you, right? It's ideal. And you have them. Okay. Now, if I like you, I'm not a truthful friend, but it doesn't mean that my feedback isn't gonna sting a little, right?

Because you want me to love everything you do, I want you to love everything I do. But at the end of the day is my friend, I've asked you to be truthful to me. So that's how if we can switch the voice in the head to be like, there's a voice, but what if they had your best interest at heart? So now that voice that you just said, they're going to walk out, they're not going to like my looks. Okay, great. So what is that voice, the friendly voice saying? You're worried about being rejected. Let me just sit with that and let me just process that.

Can you actually control someone else? No matter how much you do, no matter how much you do, can you control anyone else? Can you control where the someone's attracted to you? No, it's never about you really, it's really not. Yeah. Now, go, how do you put your best for forward? Don't freaking slum it. Like, wait, if this was really a concern of mine, where I go to and date and I'm like, I'm

actually worried about being rejected. Okay, this is really sore sport. Why is this a sore spot? I got rejected when I was a kid and it really hurt and it's one of my triggers. Okay, great. I'm just giving myself the grace to speak right now, right? To give myself the allowance to hear my voice, to hear what's worrying. It's like, okay, you're bullied as a kid, Lisa, so you're worried about being rejected. Today, okay, yes, that's great. So now let's just take that for a reality. I'm worried about this fear over here that's holding me back. But what's my goal to get on the date?

So now, what's actually more important? Going on the date and reaching on goal or letting your insecurity take over. The fears that ego, the fears saying, oh my God, don't embarrass yourself. So what's more important? My ego, oh my God. And so with now people ask, like, there's literally no judgment. Like I want people to ask themselves this question without actually bringing judgment to it. Because then it's like, well, look, I really want to go on a date. It's really like thinking.

What's that? Right. Thinking in the year, thinking in five years, how will you feel if you don't go on a date? Does that sit well with you, Yes or not exactly because it's gonna keep going I know they're a pergator rather mundane. I'm not dating their fears in their ego is holding on back Yes, so now if you can say that with no judgment give yourself grace say great So me saying yes to someone the next person to ask me just booking the date Me not even necessarily thinking of it as a romantic thing. Me just going and turning up are all steps in order for you to get better at being the person that can go on dates even if you get rejected

because you can't control how they respond. But now, I'm not gonna say it's easy. Rejection will still sting. Going on that date and being excited and having that person reject you, everything I'm saying doesn't make that any easier. It happens. So now, what are you going to do if it happens? That's part of your radical confidence tool belt. I'm going on this date. Think about how you're going to show up. Think about what you're going to ask for.

So actually, what you're going to say, like really think about it, put in the time and energy. And so right now, if you're going a date and you're worried about getting rejected, what are the things that you can do that aren't going to bring you to your knees if you get rejected? Maybe, let me just throw a couple of things that come to me in real time. Maybe before you go on the date, you reach out to three of your friends and you say, hey, I really need you to write words of encouragement right now. So that if I go on this day

and this person rejects me, I need to know that I'm not rejected by the people that I care about. You can say that it attacks me three things you love about. Yes. Love it, even better. Tell it right there. Yeah.

And now what you're doing is you're not saying, oh my god, if I get rejected, I'm going to fall to my knees and never be able to get up. What you're saying is, hey, I've done all the steps. I'm going in here with the best intentions. But if this happens, I've got a game plan to help me pull me out of it so I don't stay on my knees. And now what happens is is the more you do that girl, the more you rinse and repeat, the better going to the point of we said earlier,

the more competent you'll become. So when you get rejected, you do the groundwork, the over time you realize it's not about you. And now that hurt, that feeling, that sting that you got from going the very first time to now it just gets like it gets shorter right? The stings that happened when you got rejected on that first day it took you a month to get over but you know what now it only took you a week. Give your first time. It's true that is success because it does and then the longer you wait to go on a date you just be like oh I see that's what happened but no you just keep going and you set to go on a date, you just be like, oh, I see that's what happened, but no, you just keep going. You set up another date, another date.

And what I love to you in your book, why do you explain a little bit about, we were talking about the negative voices that hold you back. And I think some people are really aware of them. You mentioned this for a second, but you just make it your, you make it your friend. And you're like, what are you saying here? And you kind of like flip the messages. You're like, you have to be able to listen to it because there is some validation. Now, you also make the distinction about sometimes we say, well, you should just have more self-love

and that gets not true. Like, oh, I'm worried. I'm going to fail. But maybe that's what it is true. So can you talk about like making it your friend, like you flip it or like actually listening to it, but you kind of bring her under your arm. You're like, you're my, you're my BFF. You're my homie as you say, right? Yeah. How do we do that with like a, maybe you can give an example of a specific voice. Yeah, that you, because I just think this is a really big one and it ties into fear and ego.

Yeah, 100%. I was just like highlighting. I think I even took some stuff in here. Oh, I'm not using that right now. Yeah, because I just think it's really useful. The negative voice, everyone kept saying, right? Okay, it's holding me back. Everyone's telling me to be nice to myself.

Love yourself. Okay, great. Everyone's telling me to be nice to myself. Love yourself. Okay, great. If you want to tell me this, this is what you need to do. So I'm very attacked. Of course, it's like, okay, someone said this. Great. Let me give it a shot. And what ended up happening was I was giving so much of that messaging. Because I was able to. Oh, time. All the time. Be kind, self-loving, because I couldn't. I tried. I really did try. Like, I gave it my all. And I was like, it's actually not an unable to do it right now. And right now, the fact that I'm able to do it actually makes me for worse about myself, which really what it does, it just turns up the volume on the freaking negative voice in

your head. Because now you've given her another reason to talk negatively to you, right? It's like, oh, you can't even get me to shut up. So I was like, I'm so go oriented. How on earth this thing I can't avoid. How can I turn it for my kryptonite to my superpower? Saying those phrases, kryptonite to superpower makes me think differently.

Okay, great. It's really crippling. This voice right now, for instance, I want to just stop my own podcast. You said give me you an example. So once I stop my own podcast, I was like, it's just gonna be over zing. It's gonna be audio only.

My husband's like, babe, we have an entire studio. We've got six cameras and we have a team. Why the hell are you filming? And I realized it's because I was fearful. And so right now, this voice in my head that I was trying to say to shut up wouldn't be quiet. So to the point of it is now getting in my way of my goal. It is getting in the way of me impacting because I do think content is the way to be able to create impact on a global scale. So I understand my why. I know that I need to get in front of the camera but I'm too for Kinsket. All right, this voice is stopping me. How the hell do I use it as my super

power? Let me rethink this. Okay, she's a bitch. I want to shut her up. I want to punch her in the face and it's like, what's the opposite of that? Instead of punching her in the face, okay, the opposite is given her a cuddle. Great, what would that look like? I can't give her a cuddle, which means if you're given someone a cuddle, you won't actually want to hear from them. Okay, great, I want to hear from them. So how do I do that without feeling badly?

I can maybe think of it as your friend, right? So I re-frame this. It's like you're a friend in the listening. So I re-frameed it, and I said, okay, doesn't want me to get in front of the camera. I finally pushed myself, just get in front of the camera. She's doing it, Lisa, press for court. So again, front of the camera, and that's when the voice was even louder, because, doesn't want me to get in front of the camera. I finally pushed myself, just do it at least, press for court. So again, front of the camera,

and that's when the voice was even louder, because I wasn't right. You were talking about your first show that you felt like I wasn't great, it wasn't when I'm paired. Yeah. So I was like, okay, I managed to get in front of the camera, but to my point about the first date, I said to my camera.

You might have been in the first state either. Yes. So what do you do in those moments that allows you to keep propelling forward because you know you're white? So I knew okay right now I went in front of the camera I managed to get the confidence or the radical confidence to get in front of the camera and now I've totally bombed and now the voices even louder How do I reframe that? So that's where I like okay listen to her. What is she set the same because maybe there is truth in it?

So she's now saying, Lisa, you had no idea how to open the interview. And I'm like, let me see if she's right. That was the part of it. That was the key part is listening to the voice and saying, with love and kind of bringing it under your arm and saying, maybe there's some truth to it. And it's okay. Because now we get a plan to overcome that negative thing. Like, my opening was not that strong. Yeah. And that was the thing. And I was saying, maybe there's some truth to it. And it's okay. Because now we can have a plan to overcome that negative thing. Like, my opening wasn't that strong. Yeah.

And that was the thing. And I was like, let me see if she's fine. I was like, oh, she is right. And that's where I go to be in the ego. The reason why the voice is speaking is because it doesn't want you to be embarrassed. Like, I think she's trying to protect me, which is why she'll be a FF right.

She wants you to do good. She's trying to protect you. Which is why she's telling you this, because she's like, I don't want you to be embarrassed. I know what it feels like to be embarrassed Lisa. Remember that one time. Remember how that felt? I'm here to remind you, that sucks.

Don't you ever get there again. It's the ego protecting you. So if it's protecting you to go, okay, right now in the protection, you're stopping me from doing what I really want to do. So instead of stopping me, how can I use you as the fuel? How can I use you to propel me forward? So if you're telling me, I'm really bad at my intro. Let me just see if maybe you may be right, because maybe there's something I can learn. Now, if you can go, can I learn from this error? Can I learn from this catastrophic mistake?

Can I learn from this really bad date? Now you can go, instead of feeling bad about myself, what can I learn? Maybe you showed up on that day and all you did is talk and you didn't ask one question about them. And the voice is saying, it's not all about you. It's practical advice because I could see somebody going on this really bad first date and saying like,

see, it was terrible, they didn't like me, they didn't text me back. This happened to me yesterday, I was with my dog, park friend, because I go to the dog park and let out with my dog. And she would say, yeah, I was gonna start dating again, I went on a date and now I went out and we were swiping for a few days

then we met up and now I've been hard for them. And I think I'm just gonna take a break from dating. I'm like after one date, first off, we'll never know what happened, maybe he went back with his ex. Maybe he, who knows what? Maybe he reminded him too much of his ex. We'll never know what that person's thinking. And like they just maybe think of how he was quickly.

They take one thing that doesn't go right and they just go back to their purgatory. After QuickWordSmart sponsor, Lisa shares the tools she's developed in her long-term relationship with her husband Tom Velio. Oh, but okay, I love this. Can I give you one thing in return? I actually just thought of what I would do in that situation if I was that person?

I would recognize, oh my god, this is a pattern. No judgment, but this is how I normally do it. Actually, I've noticed this about myself. So being self-aware is actually beautiful before you even go in the date, in fact. So say, you know what? Yeah, I am that person. That if I go in the day and don't really like him to be honest, it never even bothers me that they don't text me back after three or four days, but I've noticed

when I really like someone, after a day, I start to get anxious. Beautiful, don't judge yourself, just write that down. Now that you know yourself, come up with the rules, but you do it before your emotions get taken in. So what I would do is like, I know myself well enough, I know by after date two, I'm to be the one that's probably texting them, hey, is it okay? And that's where I keep going wrong. Amazing. Now I know. So what I'm

going to do is I'm going to write down Lisa promises herself. I would do something like that. Promise is a big word for me. So I'm using words that would trigger me on purpose, whatever words like people want to use. Yep, whatever that thing is that they can attach themselves to. And then I would write a rule list. Like literally I would say no matter what, you don't text them for five days. They're maybe terrible.

I'm maybe like you don't want to play games, but maybe that's the thing. Maybe like I don't want to play games. So after day three, if they haven't reached out, I'm going to text them once. And reached out, I'm going to text them once. And this is what I'm going to text them. Hey, I had such a great evening. Now remember, I'm writing this

without having even gone on the date. Hey, I had such a great evening and be great to me up again if you're interested. Whatever. You write all of this down before your emotions are tied up in it. So now, when it happens, when you've gone on that date and your mind starts spiraling, all the things,

you go back to your cheeks, she, and you go back and say, I know myself well, I know my feelings really want to, but this is why I wrote the cheat sheet, as my guide to stick to. And what I'm gonna do, I've made a promise, oh my god, it says Lisa made a promise to. And what I'm gonna do, I've made a promise, oh my god, it says, Lisa made a promise to herself,

so I'm gonna keep her. And I'm gonna maybe, maybe I'm a little obsessive and maybe I'm gonna hold onto this cheat sheet with my life. That's fine. But have something that allows you to act not on emotion because we all know

that emotions, ebb and flow. that with some time, we can't necessarily trust them to be on North Star of how we should act. So you tell me we're having all the barriers and having the toolkit in place, having your list so you know where to go if your minds are spiraling.

Let's see, you keep going about self-aware. Well, what if you're the person that doesn't keep going back to it because it actually hurts you to go back to it? No judgment. Now you know yourself. So what you're going to do before you go on this day, you're going to set another alarm in your phone. And you're going to go, okay, I'm going on a day on Saturday. I know myself, I may not refer back to the sheet. I may probably start feeling these feelings after 24 hours, especially if I like them.

All right, I know this about myself, I'm not going to judge myself for, I'm not going to beat myself, I'm not going to compare myself to others, I'm just going to accept that this is who I am. And so what I'm going to do is I'm going to sit in a alarm on my phone. Twelve hours after I've gone on that first date. And the alarm is going to say, I love you, refer back to this sheet. What ever way ever you need. Well, I love it because it also gives you like a built-in sort

of a net that can hold yourself. Because if you like after the date, you're like, well, my next step after this date is I don't have to think about it. Now I've got 12 hours. Maybe if this alarm goes off or like it just kind of helps you think like, I've got a plan for this. I've got a plan for this.

Because our emotions are not predictable. Our emotions are not really, they're not going to, they're to help us. They're actually that are hurt us and I love that we talk about like the negative self-talk is your ego which really is your friend trying to protect you in a way. And so now you've broken this down right? You can see how this is literally guys what I talk about in my books when you see me sitting here confident in front of the camera or you know listening on the podcast like everything

you hear me say I was the person that was petrified to sit in listening on the podcast. Like, everything you hear me say, I was the person that was petrified to sit in front of the camera. I was the one petrified to do interviews. And how the hell do I go from the person that was petrified to being here today easily with confidence, being able to talk about this stuff? It was because I did everything I'm just saying.

It wasn't because I had a magic spell. It wasn't because I convinced myself. It wasn't because I had a magic spell. It wasn't because I convinced myself. It wasn't because I have some magic spark that other people don't. It was that I did the sofa awareness piece. I did the assessment piece. I did the planning and planning. You prepared.

You were paired. You were talking about all these tools that you had in place. Like you were saying after the first show that you're like, I made sure I had the intro written here. I practiced the intro next time, so I didn't falter on the intro and I had my closing and I had the I had papers and notes of what you had all the the structure in place to make sure that it didn't happen again. Exactly. Sure it was great. Yeah I went back it was fine. No no it's bad and here's the thing but his I actually wanted for me to say so you go back

watch it the very first words out of my mouth is, I introduce the guest and then I'm like, oh shit, I didn't even say who I was. You actually hear me on the camera say, oh my god, I didn't even say my own name. So I actually don't mind that. Like it's the beauty of showing the truth of my evolution. And that's what I'm trying to say for people at home.

So going back to everything we just encompass is that right now you can see how I would say even if I'm the person that's petrified to go on that date to your question that you even asked. This is literally how I go, cool, what's the goal? Now are the goal down so it doesn't seem overwhelming. Create a game plan, have a backup for your game plan, do a self-assessment, know thyself, put all these actions into place, and then make a commitment. That you're going to do something on X-Day and it doesn't have to be perfect. So if it's a YouTube channel, people really want to do their own stuff, great, put in a day and say, in a week, in seven days, I am going to have pressed record on my iPhone.

I didn't say post it, as a pressed record. So having these little baby steps so that you know how to approach it and then thinking about once you've gone on that first day, knowing how you're the type of person that responds in a certain way with no judgment, writing those things down and then having a game plan that then allows you to have a go-to cheat sheet so that you don't let your emotions get in the way and get in the way of that dream goal

of building your confidence to go on dates. It's good because you feel so insurmountable. So what I love about that is that and you have this all in the book, radical confidence, is this you have the step-by-step plans, like you show how you actually break these things apart, which I found to be just so useful for, you could use it whether it's in the bedroom or the bedroom. Yeah, well, we wanna make it down.

So I also love your chapter. Balladation is for parking. So can you unpack or quick, like what validation is, why it's so important to give it to ourselves? And that in that sort of take it from others. I like your perspective of like, why do we see it from others and how do we actually give it to ourselves, which is what really matters.

So validation to me really is a like, maybe we can even use a different word like, how do you feel about yourself? Did you feel good? And where do you get that from? Like do you feel good when other people give you the compliments and pat you in the back and tell you how great you're doing? Yeah, probably a lot of us do.

And that's actually okay. The problem is, is when now you don't feel good about yourself if no one gives you that validation. Or you don't feel good about yourself if someone's actually saying all the things that you're not good at, or that you're doing wrong. You're going to hear me say this a lot, give yourself grace to just take inventory. Because that's where I always want to start. It feels good to me when this person does this.

And when they don't, I actually don't feel good about myself. This is just an inventory of where you get validation from currently. And then another inventory of what you do every day to give yourself validation. Maybe right now, that list is empty. It's okay. We're just taking inventory. Maybe right now, that list is empty. That's okay. We're just taking inventory. So now that you've got your inventory, now I'm all about a game plan, stepping stones. So what is the one thing I'm going to do today that is just me? Because you have to build up your internal validation. You have to build

up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then giving yourself grace to be certain days, you're going to fail. And it's like sometimes, even with everything I'm saying, I've written a freaking book. And sometimes I still find myself looking externally for validation. And sometimes when I notice, my god, that's all good. They say, your back care again, don't sweat it girl.

You've got your game plan. Now, jump back in. So I don't pride myself on being perfect. I don't pride myself on being a one and done. And that is the cause. I'm actually not perfect because I'm never a one and done. And to go back to how do I take something that actually doesn't serve me in flippe,

it's like I used to feel badly about myself. And now I'm like, how can I reframe this? I'm not the person that seeks perfection. I can feel good about that. So now I say it out loud, going back to the validation piece, where do you get external validation from, and now how do you start building your own? Because I wouldn't even start with push out other people's validation. I would actually

start saying, build the skill set within yourself first, and then start looking out the external and how you make sure you don't tie your value and worth to that. So, what are you going to do today to make yourself proud of yourself? Oh, you're right. Like, what would actually be? So, in fact, here you go. I'm going to give it... Give it to me. Before we started, we were doing an audio check.

Our sound guy said, Hey, Emily, what did we eat for breakfast? And you said, I had to smoothie, that I actually made myself an immediate. I said, come on, go, make this smoothie yourself. Because we've been friends for so long, I know you don't get it. They get it on clock. Yeah, you don't do any of that. And you're like, I did two days, but I did it. And I was like, in this moment, girl, hell, yes.

You feel proud of yourself. You did it again. You did it for two days. So where are you building validation? You said, you know what, I want to make a smoothie myself. And for two days, you did it. Now here's the thing, you may not do it tomorrow. Right now.

But right now, the validation piece is, you said you were going to do it and you did it. So I want people right now to go, what is the thing that I can start with? It all is stepping stones, don't jump in. What is I think you're going to promise yourself that you're going to do today? At the end of the day, you can pat yourself on the back. That's what I'm looking for. Because every day there are things. Every day I used to compare myself, my body,

to other people, to external, right? Like, oh my God, she's so beautiful. She has six-pack abs, being a quest, falling quest. It was very much the fitness space, right? So it's like, oh my God, she looks stunning. She's blowing a blow. Now I feel worse about myself. That was external, right? Like if I happen to have better abs than someone else, I feel better about myself. If someone else is better abs than me,

I feel worse about myself. So kind of getting the validate, or in fact, getting validation from other people telling me how good I look, right? All of that is very real. And I used to be there there and I realized that's what got me into an unhealthy relationship with food That was what got me into an unhealthy relationship with my body because it was like someone else is giving you the power in the back Someone else is telling you how amazing you look you're comparing yourself to others And now the validation comes from what they look like not what you're bringing to the table So I realized that was really bad for my mindset. So what I did is, I was like, but I love working out.

How can I use the love of that to empower me to give myself the pattern the back? And so I said, Lisa, you're your own competition. Now what would that look like? Okay, great. Today, Lisa, you did five push ups. Can you do tomorrow, six? Like that's it. And now what I'll do is the next day, I'm like Lisa, you're five push ups. Can you do tomorrow six? Like that's it.

And now what I'll do is the next day, I'm like Lisa, you're gonna do six. And now let's say I'm trying to do six push ups and I don't hit it. And all I do is five. What I'm doing is immediately after, I'm like, I'm so proud that you gave it a shot. Instead of, I can't believe you didn't, you're lazy.

But now it's me against me. So I'm removing the external influence, because that's the important part, is removing the external influence to be able to give you a signal either way. So tricky though Lisa to be able to turn around. It's so tricky. It's so deeply and grand to go, I can't believe you didn't do that six push up. How hard was it? And that's why.

So what you're saying is that it's just you against you. Correct. What is the thing that's external? Bring it internal. So let's say my body, how I feel about myself, I'm looking at other people, I'm judging myself based on who I'm looking at, not actually on how I feel and what I've accomplished. And so I need to go, how do I take this external thing that I'm looking at and turn it internal? So that was the first thing. Take this about myself. Then what are the challenges I'm going to do to give myself the validation, right? Because let me tell you, sitting on my ass and just saying, yeah, at least you got this. No, I don't believe I deserve

me to give myself a pound of that for that. So what am I going to bring that I feel like I can validate and feel good about myself? Today I'm'm gonna try six. And now to your point about but what if you don't do the six people beat yourself up? I'm going to repeat to myself, I'm the type of person that shows up and tries to do better. So now, and if you need that as a mantra, put it on a post it note,

at the gym while you're doing it, as the reminder, then do it. So the way you've gone to do those six pushups and you've only been able to do five again, you turn around, you see the post that this is, I'm the kind of person that just tried to do six. And now you're cultivating the mindset of giving yourself the validation of the person that tried.

And it's not external, it's internal. It's very tricky, but it takes assessment. And that's and it's not external, it's internal. It's very tricky, but it takes assessment and that's where it's like, that's why I say that. Very ill-indulcately, you have to like, for many people who are stuck in their emotions and their limiting beliefs, your tools really help them sort of get out of it, it's very practical. Yeah, because I guess you get, I understand why

the beliefs we've had the way we will pull up if you're someone that literally imagine like I think of myself as like the Bull Teenuil girl that didn't believe in herself then looked in the mirror didn't think I was you know Bull any I want to talk about that though for a minute because you've been so open about your your body struggles and body image and how you felt and what you've been through with that and I think that's so brave so thank you so much for kind of talking about that in your book because I know that's really not easy. And so I'd love to hear more about that and how it sort of has helped you. I kind of how you've moved past it, but how have you learned to like heal your relationship and not only with food,

but with your body and how you think, because I think also we definitely get questions people like, I feel so bad in my body that I can't imagine being naked with somebody else. And it can just hold us back when really again, it goes back to confidence and some really deep healing you've had to do. Can you talk about that? Yeah, actually, the biggest part of where I struggled the most with my confidence is really where my health deteriorated. At 14, I didn't believe in myself. I was teased for my looks

or I definitely had very low self-esteem. I was the person that just tried to fit in. So I definitely struggled with that. And so I think that building my mindset in other areas of my life of how I feel about myself, how I feel about myself in business, how I feel about myself in a relationship, then has that knock on effect to then like take it into the bedroom and take it into my relationship with my husband, but it all starts with the internal work. And so I had slowly built it up through time, through these strategies I'm saying,

but even when I thought, I've got this, right, like I'm confident in bed, I've been with my husband for a long time now, I know everything he likes, he knows everything, I've got this, right? Like, I'm confident in bed. I've been with my husband for a long time now. I know everything he likes. He knows everything. I know I can turn on the dime, right? Like, you can get confident over time. I've been with my husband for a long time.

And then my health deteriorates. And my health, literally, as you know, like, it went from one day I was fine. The next day, you know, I drunk a bowl of champagne or a whole bottle, but I had this sip of that champagne and a lifelong health struggle that was kind of teetering ended up totally spilling over. And so from that moment, through it over a year,

I could barely eat anything. Like I was on like four different ingredients that I could eat for. Lamb, salt, coconut oil, and like chicken. I was losing so much weight, so I was like 20 pounds lighter than I was now, my hair was falling out, my nails are brittle. And so this happened after I built my confidence, happened after we'd built question nutrition was announced as a billion dollar company. So I need to put it into perspective for everybody of how something can absolutely not you off your, you know, the way you feel about yourself and everything that you've built up

and how something can really come along like that. And so in those moments where I was like, I couldn't stand out for longer than five minutes at a time. So I ended up like it was a very long journey. I'm still on it, but just people love like, what the hell happened? Yeah, it was like I had SIBO, I had Candida, I had a parasite because I couldn't battle it because I had all these other things. I had gluten intolerance. I mean, it was like a whole spiral of craziness. But that's why I couldn't stand up for longer than five minutes at a time. I couldn't wear a bra. And so you can imagine, do you think I feel sexy? Do you think I want to have sex with my husband? I was quest falling.

I pride in myself on being like the hot wife. I loved it. I loved the fact that my husband can keep his hands off me. I loved the fact that my husband would every so often just randomly grab me and throw me on the bed. You know, like that's freaking sexy. And here he's the most threw me on the bed. You know, like, that's freaking sexy. And here, he's the most loving man on the planet. So he would be like, baby, you okay? What can I do?

Like, you know, do you need to go to the toilet? Right? Like, that's how it went from sexy. You're like, that's not hard. No way. Here's a thing. I couldn't even touch me. I would win this. My stomach hurts so much.

So now, how the hell do you come back from that? And so this became really big struggle for me. And it was like, I felt guilty, right? Because now here I am, a very sexual being, not being able to be sexual. And so number one was I had to sit with my husband, and I just had to tell him how I was feeling with no judgment.

And it was like, I just need you to give me space so I can say how I feel. And so that became a paper don't feel sexy. I realized I got a lot of my confidence by feeling sexy. And because he was like, oh, we don't have to worry about me, baby, like just sick. Like, and I was like, but this is a meeting. This is a I feel sexy. And he's like, okay, so, you know, how can I help you? What are the things? So it started to be like, well, maybe right now, I just need to give myself grace that for maybe for the next six months. This is a new identity.

I have to transition into it because I had the identity being the hot sexy wife. And so now, how do I give myself grace to slowly say this isn't where you are now, Lisa? How do you focus on getting better? And does the emotion of the guilt and everything serve you getting better? And so it was like, no, even if this face, even the, you know, the guilt doesn't help, you can't help it. So I would be very honest with my husband. I feel really guilty. I need to talk to you about this. I need to have open communication with you about this. And I need to have to you about this, I need to have open communication with you about this, and I need to have a very transparent conversation because here's the thing, I'm the one that's

sick, but it affects both of us. It's affecting both of our relationship. It's affecting our marriage. And so, I don't ever want to be that person that was like, I'm sick so you have to deal with it. I need you to be open and tell me how you're feeling. He's like, babe, how, like, I'm not gonna come to you and say, hey, I'm not sexually satisfied. Like, he's like, you're sick. I need to support you. And I said, yes, but I need to actually hear

because maybe it's like, well, babe, what if you watched porn and I was next to you? Like, and I was trying to get you to walk. Right, right, exactly. So you guys kind of end up talking about it all along the way, which is a few in time. You also have your relationship here, and we've talked a lot about.

And it's very similar tactics to this. You guys actually break it all down using boundaries and conversations and rules and all the ways that you guys can really learn to connect better and continue to grow up. Is it 20 years? Yeah, yeah, we're about 20 or waiting. Oh my god. That's such an amazing that really is.

It would be truly. So you and Tom, where I love is you guys talk a lot about the growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. And you've been on my show before. We'll link this. People can listen to the last shows. But you have talked a lot about, I will first of all, maybe you can quickly define what the growth mindset versus

fixed mindset for people who aren't aware of it. And how you apply that to your successful 20-year relationship. Yeah, thank you. So as a quick umbrella, a fixed mindset is you believe that you are born the way you are and that your brain and your skill sets are what they are and you can never change or fix them. A growth mindset says, hey, I may not know it now. I actually may be terrible at it now, but you know what? My belief system allows me to say that I can learn it if I try. And it's the idea of saying,

I can't or I can. Right? It's the language we use. It's like someone saying, that's impossible versus I don't know a way yet. Some people may not even realize they have a fixed mindset. And that's actually okay. And just say, oh, okay, so getting to my goal, having the life I want, having the relationship I want or anything like that just means I need to start thinking in a different way. Okay, I can start thinking in a different way. Is a sign that you are now developing a growth mindset because you believe you can start thinking in a different way. So that's kind of the difference between a growth and a fixed mindset. So now in a relationship that belief system is, let's say a fixed mindset would be,

I must always be a stay at home supportive wife for my husband to love me. Right, that's been very face. Or it's saying, I can be whoever I want and I'm going to work with my partner to figure out how we stay happily married through these transitions. Because I know a lot of couples find that as the problem. Some couples have like, hey, I really want to change. I really want to grow. I really want to do this and the partner doesn't get it. My partner doesn't understand.

And now because I'm changing, we're now splitting apart. And so I say when it comes to that sort of thing, where it'm changing, we're now splitting apart. And so I say, when it comes to that sort of thing, where it's like, okay, what am I going to do in my relationship that allows me to have a growth mindset? It's saying that this has come up in our relationship and we can figure it out together. Can you give a recent example of something that maybe you time of work through in your relationship that using this, that's a little bit different. What I find with most couples is that they're together, it's the longer they're together, if they don't have a growth mindset,

they haven't done work on themselves, they haven't been in therapy, they haven't. They're just sort of having the same arguments over and over again. And then they just accept, well, my partner's always gonna want to, have more sex than I do, or my partner's always going to not listen to me after I tell them

all these things. They won't remember things at the end of the day or I know you guys have a great example about the weekends and you guys have chosen to spend time together on the weekends. It's never going to be the same when we just give up. I love your stories about how you and time have actually gotten into the things, had these conversations. I think something like I could never do that, but you actually do it and it's here we are at 20 years.

Yeah, thank you. A lot of my assessments in my relationship with my husband is I look at other couples, growing up and even friends that I have. I'm like, oh, that didn't sit well with me. Oh, why do they do that? And then Tom and I talk about it. And so it became the amount of guys specifically that I've heard say a happy wife is a happy life. That breaks my heart because it's like, the baby, I want you to be happy too. Like, I don't just want your happiness to come from my happiness.

Like, I thought that about him as well. I know, I was going to say you're happy, that's me, you'll raise that. That's, yeah, and it doesn't serve you. It doesn't bring happiness to the relationship. So if you can take a step back and say, okay, my goal in my relationship is for both of us to be happy, so that we can bring happiness together

and that's what makes a beautiful relationship. If you can actually sit with your partner and just agree to that, that's step one. Like I wanna be happy and I want you to be happy. Do you agree? Yes. Okay great, now you both agree. What does that actually look like?

Now a lot of us care so much about the other person that we adapt to what they want. Well, I know my husband really likes soccer, so we're just gonna watch soccer, even though we're freaking, I hate it. Right? Now what happens is, you don't mind doing that the first year. You may not even mind doing that the first couple years.

How do you lose faith? You'll do anything, right? You do that after 20 years. What happens now is you're resentful. You're like, I'm fracking sitting here, watching the bloody soccer again, and I don't get to go shopping, and now what you're doing, you're making slight comments. You're making slight comments at your partner about the soccer game.

And it's like, well hang on a minute, 20 years ago, you were okay with it. You're not the one that's spoken up, and now you're making slight comments, and they're feeling badly about it. So how do we avoid it? And so it's the game, the Selfish Desire game, which means, babe, I don't want you to think about me. I don't want you to even take me into your considerations. We have an entire Saturday right now. What does your Selfish Desire look like?

And he may say, babe, I want to play video games for the first four hours. Then I want to have sex for the next five hours. And then, you know, maybe we'll cuddle for 10 minutes. He's nothing about me, remember? He wants about him. And did he just walk by? He did. He did it the perfect moment.

He has been literally done. Right, the first one. We're still filming. Hi, Tom. Yeah, we still filming. Hi, baby. Hi. I'm so literally just a small kid. He in. I saw him walking. I know he's like, I'm so nervous again.

I'm so nervous again. Yeah. No, no, no, we still recording. You're just perfect timing. So funny. So yeah, he literally just walked in like, six or five hours. But that's what you do. Because here's the thing, note, I want you to have the space and freedom to say exactly what you want in life. And I want to be able to have the space and freedom to say exactly what you want in life. And I want to be able to have the space and freedom to say exactly what I want in life. And now together, we're going to see. So you each state your own self-assessor. Exactly.

And then you, yeah. So he's just stated his selfish desire. It was basically split the day between gaming and sex. And I'm the one that's like, all right babe, I want to have breakfast together. And then I want to, I want you to give me back massage for 30 minutes. And then I actually wanna watch comedy, the most romantic comedy.

And then I wanna take a dip in the pool. And then I wanna cuddle. And then maybe if we have time, yeah, let's have sex, right? In fact, I wouldn't say that. I'll say, and then we'll have sex. My day looks very different to his. Now imagine he just kept giving me what I wanted. He's going to be example, because all he's doing,

is sacrificing for me. And all I'm doing is taking. And that doesn't sit well with me. A relationship is given take. And so in those moments where we have these discussions, we have this every Saturday morning. Every Saturday, in fact, I asked in that last Saturday because we have this discussion every Saturday morning. And Saturday, in fact, I asked in that last Saturday, because we have this discussion every Saturday morning,

and he's like, same as last week. And so it was like, we're now we've actually optimized our days, but we both had the most, the dream Saturday. But we got to the point where we did that, and how did we get there was because we assessed. So now what, the key here is now what you do, is you've both said what you want. And now you sit together and

say how do we make a happy medium or maybe that isn't what you do this week maybe you've got all the things you wanted last week so maybe you make a deal with them you're like you know what babe last week you did my day exactly and you didn't complain and you were so wonderful so this week we're going to do yours or maybe you make an agreement and you're like oh my god my day is're gonna do yours or maybe you make an agreement. And you're like, oh my God, my day is so amazing. I actually want this day. And in exchange, I'm gonna give you your day.

So this Saturday, we're gonna do mine. And next Saturday, we're gonna do yours. Do you like that? Oh my God, yes. And now, there's no resentment. Now, you both get what you want. Or maybe you come to an agreement and it's a half-half. Or maybe it's, hey, Tom may say, babe I don't want to watch that freaking romantic comedy but instead

what if you help your friend watch the romantic comedy with your friend Emily when you guys do that I'm actually gonna go play video games because I want to play four hours of video games I'm gonna go play video games while you watch your movie and then this thing that we said that we wanted to do here where we both wanted to have a romantic meal, and I wanted sex for four hours, and we wanted sex for 30 minutes. What if we still have a romantic meal,

and then we get together and we, you know, see where the day takes us, and look, look, there's no pressure. I'm not gonna have you do, what is it that you do, where it's like, sometimes you're just sitting there for like four hours and staring at them, and like, tantric set?

Yeah, tantric set, thank you. That's what, so we can have just like, and like, we sense. Yes, tantric sense. Thank you. That's what I'm talking about. So I'm just like, and like, we're not gonna do tantric sense today, right? But, right? But instead, we're going to put on porn and we're gonna do an hour. It's average.

What? What, once for you went 30 minutes, you can kind of average it out too. Like, see, both get your knees back. And it's just, it's so practical. Yes, and I don't want people to think it's like, I'm sitting there with a timer. Like, I'm just gonna make it like,

the point is hearing what your partner wants. And then feeling hard. Like I can't even remember who was. It's like the number one relationship rule is that a woman wants is to be heard. Yeah, heard and seen. I think we all do, right? Yeah.

And then we think you don't even know how. So I think this is a great tool. I want everyone to play this right now for your partner. Whether it's out about the Saturday, it's about your next vacation. Maybe it's even about how the week went down. I fed the kids. You never came home once. I want you know, like, you know, we had to go see your parents. We'd never see my parents. Like, I think a lot can come up for this. And if you could just look at it, let's throw it up on the wall. All the things we want to do, like even in the next month, if it's not just one day,

and figure out where could you guys make compromises for your both-get-your-needs-net because the resentments soon turned into contempt, and that's where relationship is really hard to get back from a place where you just resent to contempt to where we can't be in the same room together, we'll never get over it. And if couples, I don't care if you've been together

for like a week, or you've been together for 10 years, this is an exercise that people can do right away early on. Because you don't even realize how much you're sacrificing, because you're like, I wanna be a good wife, a good partner, a good person, and we don't have any other stuff.

Yes, and if it was great of us, because everyone's like, oh my God, that's so kind of you're so sweet. And then what happens is, if you keep doing it, now it starts to become a habit, and now people don't even realize it's a gift, right? And so what ends up happening is, like years later, you're like, well, you should be doing that. You're like, hang on a gift, right? And so what ends up happening is, like, years later,

you're like, well, you should be doing that. You're like, hang on a minute. I only started doing it as like, to be nice. And now it's a shoot. You know, it's like, I was just trying to be watching soccer because I wanted to bond with you. And now, like, you're having a go on me because I've made a day night with my friends

and I'm not watching soccer with you. Like, that's how one of these beautiful gifts turns into an expectation. Feeling appreciated. That's the other main thing. So one of these beautiful gifts turns into an expectation. Feeling appreciated. That's the other main things. So many of us don't feel appreciated in relationships. At all. Constantly keep appreciating.

Oh Lisa, I'm so proud of you. I think that radical confidence, 10 nobious lessons and becoming the hero of your own life, that this book is such a gift. And there are so many great tools with all the roadblocks we're feeling whether it's in your relationship, whether it's in your sex life, in your business life, there's so many ways that we are just not confident holding ourselves back.

And what I love is it's not just like you read it, like yeah, that feels better than you give practical tools. So it's really well done. Thank you. And I so I'm such a freaking fan, you know, I just freaking love you today. And then be talking about confidence in the bedroom, talking about confidence with, you know, having sex with a partner and being intimate. It's such a big thing of who I am.

And part of how I've really been able to show up in business and show up in other things. And so it's such a warm work that you do. And that's why I just want to be your biggest cheerleader because if this book can really help anyone, find that confidence with their partner in the bedroom. Like it's so important. I never want people to think, you know, or like forget about how much this plays a part in every aspect of our lives by being confident in the bedroom. Well, I think what I'm hearing you say too, is that you're doing it in the business and learning,

how to manage people and learning, how to manage yourself. It impacted your life in the bedroom. Like you show up, because a lot of what's holding us back in the bedrooms, we're not feeling great about ourselves. We didn't have a great day, we didn't keep promises to ourselves. We didn't validate ourselves, right?

I think we've spoken about this before as well, but like our hormones make a difference. There's definitely a time in your cycle that you're going to feel more bad-ass. There's going to be a time in the cycle where you shouldn't be lifting weights and you should be doing self-stretching. There's going to be a time in your cycle where you don't feel great about yourself and giving yourself the grace that you're not always going to show up, super confident in the bedroom, giving yourself the grace that, hell, if you just don't

eat for a few hours, we get hungry. So to think that you're going to be able to get confidence all the time in the bedroom with sex is I think just not being realistic with ourselves and the beautiful thing is, it's to say maybe today I'm actually feeling a little vulnerable about my body and I've been with my husband for 20 years and I still do some time. And so like it's okay. How do you handle that? The days you're not feeling great about it.

I've learned to not be, like I used to be the person, whereas like, and maybe if you book and relay, where you try to say quickly before the other person notices. Okay. So for instance, it's like, if I'm not feeling great and I'm feeling like, my ass feels a bit psyched state, right?

I almost used to be the person that was telling my husband first before I thought he would notice because it was kind of like that safe... You can't use seat, right? Like, I think God I can say it first because I know he's thinking it. Like, there's that mentality where it's like, oh baby, I know I don't look great today or I know my ass looks flat today, right? And he's just like, are you freaking joking? And here's what's part of me.

Number one, part of me is trying to do it and say it. Almost like, no, no, I do know this is happening. Like, there's that kind of like, almost, I didn't want him to think that I don't know, which is a terrible reason, but it all came down to insecurity, right? So I'm saying it out loud because I'm so freaking insecure about it. I don't want to worry whether he's really thinking it and just not saying it. So the insecurity in me is saying it out loud. So how do we not do that? So I've been there too.

I get, I know I'm that together there. I haven't shared yet. Yes, I would love to talk about that for a minute too, because it's like, oh, I haven't shared. I haven't done this. I know I'm sorry, my hair is a mess. They're not, likely, they're not thinking that. And that fact of saying they are thinking that,

like you've got other problems really, I would think, because they're attractive to you, to your essence, your energy. They're not noticing that. But how did you learn to not do that? Because that is a practice a lot of us do all the time. Oh, no, sorry. Even if it's work, I spilled on myself, or my hair, you know.

How do we not do that? Step one, take inventory. When do you do it? Do you do it with someone more than others? Right, because maybe you do. Maybe you do it more with like a work colleague than you actually do your partner. Why? Because you're actually more insecure

around your work colleague, right? Take inventory, literally, of who you do it more with like a work colleague than you actually do your partner. Why? Because you're actually more insecure around your work colleague, right? Take inventory literally over who you do it with when you do it. But with Tom, it was taken inventory. Oh my god, I always do it around Tom. I usually do it when I'm naked. And I usually do it when I'm feeling great about myself. So you'll say, oh, I know, I look like this. Yeah. Okay.

So, um, so usually even the not feeling great about yourself doesn't even have anything to do with actually how I look, right? So with Tom, I basically just took inventory of when I was doing it and when I do it and I don't feel good about myself, I don't even just mean when I make it. I mean like, I felt like I really felt at work this week. I actually let that person down, they told me I let them down, so now I actually thought a bit bad

and I'm bringing that feeling into the bedroom. Like what are those things? What are you identifying? Take inventory and then literally going back to a promise. I'm all about making promise for myself. I just promise myself. Every time I go to make a reason, bite your tongue. Like literally, piece your lips.

People can see the video. I'm like, piece my lips and I'm pushing my lips down. That's it. I just need a wall. Every time you've taken your inventory, you know, when you're naked around your husband, this is what happens. Great. What I'm going to do, pierce my lips. That's it. Just don't say it. The next time, what are you going to do? Say something nice maybe. The next time, what are you going to do? Say something amazing, right? And so you see,

I put the stepping stones in and it all comes to assessment, taking the inventory, come up with a game plan, and then keep practicing. I love it. Five quick questions we ask all of our guests. Very quick, get ready. Okay, what's your biggest turn on? Oh, my husband. Biggest turn off.

Oh God, not my husband. That's terrible. It's fine. It's true, okay, what makes good sex? Toys. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and say. It's true, okay, what makes good sex? Toys. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. It's amazing! What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

Ooh. Um, what's the R-Shit? I don't go a quick one for this. What's the one? I gotta say toys again. Like, it's dude. Life. Game.

Changer. And if I can just do a little side note. Here's another trick. I can't believe I didn't say this. Like it's dude, life, game, changer. And if I can just do a little side note, here's another, I can't believe I didn't say this, building confidence in the bedroom, have other people and friends around you that are confident in the bedroom. Because when I met you, I was so prudish.

And I loved you, I loved you girl. And so it's like, you would say things and I'd be like, like, why don't I accomplish? Just sit there. But you made me more comfortable about talking about it. Congratulations, Daniel Burke. Thank you, L.

Thank you, L. Thank you, L. That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're

there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.