Sex With Emily - Raise the Roof On Your Sex Life

Episode Date: February 28, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is giving you ways to raise your sexual bar as high as it can go as well as taking your calls. She talks about why even when sex is amazing, you that you can always make it better, how ultimatums are never a good sign, but there are ways to reframe the conversation, and what to do when your partner thinks sex once a day is still not enough. Plus, ways to get into the dating scene when you’re finally ready to get out there. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Adam and Eve, Pjur, Fleshlight, Gainswave, and SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily. For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about racing your sexual bar as high as it can go as well as taking your calls. Topics include, even when sex is amazing, I challenge you that you can always make it better. Ultimatums never a good sign, but here's how to change the conversation. What to do when your partner thinks that sex once a day is still not enough, and how to get into the dating scene when you're young and ready to get out there. All this and more, thanks for listening. Betrubized, they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

Hey, girls, gotta understand. It's a lie. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. MUSIC You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemlee.com. We love when you go there, check out our site, and also you guys, you can easily subscribe.

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So we did all these videos. If you haven't heard, check them out on YouTube or our site because we want to give you tips every day. These are from last year and I thought I'm sharing them with you. Change up your sex location. Now this might sound trivial. You're like, oh yeah, okay. Why?

Like we've got the bedroom, like we've got kids, we can't have sex in the sex and living room. But here's the thing, the thing that goes in relationships, why you think your relationship has gotten kind of dull and boring and routine is because there's no longer any novelty, there's nothing new. So even something as simple as having sex on the stairs, having sex in the shower, using props, like having sex on the stairs, having sex in the shower, using props, like having sex on the couch in the living room,

and then like putting some pillow, like actually I think the couch is a great place to have sex for stability. Like it's easier to hold on sometimes, to have the, yeah, to have the, hold on to the back of the couch more than a bed, like I like couch. Oh you're right, it's a lot easier.

It's a lot more sturdy. So, but you're, it's not even just for all the different, you know, the laundry room and dryer on the dryer on the, on the spin cycle and the washer. I mean, this, the pantry, my friend who has three kids, she's in Chicago and she called me and she's like, guess what? We had sex in the pantry. Our kids were like doing something else. They have a big pantry, I guess, and she's like, we did it.

And it's like, that might sound silly to you, but it's novelty, it's fun, it's exciting. So change up your sex location. I get a few kids difficult, but I think even getting a hotel room for the night is great thing to do too. For a few hours, getting out of your normal routine, we'll remind you that, oh, we can have this chemistry,

we can make it hot again. We can't spice it up It's true Yeah, and then like even what you're saying on the couch too like not even just the back of the couch But like over the armrest. Yes over the armrest is great too because you have more Yeah, you could lean back over it. You could lean on also on the couch I'm like if you're partner sitting there like for oral, it's great if you want to kneel, give him oral. There's a whole lot of stuff you can do on the couch. I really wanted, I've always wanted a place

that has stairs because I like, well when I was younger it was to like run up and down the stairs, but now that I'm older, I really want to have sex on the stairs. Yeah, it's hot to have sex on the stairs. You should have that in your bucket list. Find someone with stairs or just do it on random That's gonna be on my my manifesting my partner

No, but it's kind of hot like when you can't make it upstairs and they just throw you down on the stairs He climb your way up. I don't know. Yeah, it reminds me of that scene from this movie a history of violence They have sex on the stairs and it's consensual sex I know that the movie sounds like it wouldn't be but it is and it's a little rough But it's like it reminds me of that and it was like super hot Yeah, I mean I think that it is yeah, I don't know that it just it did sound like it could be a murderous thing It was just like I was just trying to think about that like yeah, it is and why is that hot like just seeing it because it's like Your spread there's like the angle like you could be higher lower,

you're laying back, you have the angle. Yeah, I think on the counter is hot. It's my video, any counter. Yeah, in the game. It's so cute in the video because you like hop up on the counter, you're like, oh, it's kind of cold, but I kind of like it.

I can't, I can't, I can't. Use the pervertibles, use the pillow props, use the things around the house that can be sexy. Do you think that there can come a point in a relationship where you think the bar gets raised too high sexually? Or like how much time should you let go between like how much time is too little time to like being like, we're switching it up again.

You know what I mean? I think that it's again, it depends on the partner, both the both people and the relationship have to agree at the pace to which it's getting more intense. So if they're each like, you know, we're trying to loop tonight. Next week, we're trying to survive and then we're going and have an orgy. Like if you're escalating towards things and you're not talking about it, it might be too much. But I think just like anything with any intensity things and you're not talking about it. It might be too much, but I think Just like anything with any intensity if you're trying to get back into shape and you like our over-trained That's a problem too. So just like with your sex life you want to do it in moderation But I often don't hear from many couples that they're upset that they're when they keep trying new things

It's too much. What I do here is that like there's one partner who wants to try something that their partners on into But as far as the escalating of like we try to fight right or now we're so excited We're gonna go watch porn together We're gonna like write a radical like I would love to hear more of those calls of people just keep trying to spice it up and Making an effort, but yes, of course in any situation I just wonder sometimes if people think that their partner is like, could it just be insatiable? You know, like, that they're never gonna stop wanting more. Like, they'll never be enough.

Yeah, you mean sexually or with raising the bar with what they do? Well, yeah, sexually in that sense. Like, I just wonder if that's ever, like, yeah, no, I think absolutely. I think I've definitely, it's common that, not as common, but there are times in relationships where they're just on different sexual pages.

And like maybe they're like, let's try to have a threesome, for example, and then the part, and it's like, I want to do have it all the time. And now I think we should become swingers. And they're like, no, I just wanted to try threesome. So I think that that can happen. But again, if you are in a relationship where you are communicating, not only about what you're like, no, I just wanted to try, you know, three of them. So I think that that can happen. But again, if you are in a relationship where you are communicating, not only about what you're doing, but afterwards you're checking in, not just like, have a good time, out

of a good time, but how did it feel? How did it feel a few days after? Did you have jealousy? Even if it's a vibrator, like, how was it bringing a vibrator in last time? Did you like that? What other toys could we try? I think rather than raising the, keep raising the level of the intensity, maybe on the, so if you bought a vibrator and you liked it, a great way to have a like, another move

would be to just get another vibrator, you know, or try another toy or try something else. So I think if you practice from the same window, the same, you know, I'm saying, try by, try another by, try some, try some, try some restraints. Do you think that it's like ever, do you think ever like there is a good idea to give like an ultimatum, like to someone like if it is,

if even if it's about sex or just in general is like, no, I am not a fan of ultimatums. No, I don't think that you ever wanna be let's give your partner an ultimatum because you're actually saying to them, I mean, I guess where I, you always had this when people were like, oh, I gave him an ultimatum to marry me.

I said, you have to marry me or you'll like that tell shit or get off the pot thing. And then what I think is that you never want to give your partner, you never wanted, first of all, my initial thought was like, you want to give someone ultimatum to make the most important decision of their life. I think it's important to let people come to decisions on their own and to let them like, you want your partner to realize that they're on the same page as you.

So I think that with ultimatums, it's more about, you don't want to like, it's almost like a threat to an ultimatum. So you don't want to threaten your partner, you don't want to like, it's almost like a threat to an ultimatum. So you don't want to threaten your partner, you don't want to scare your partner, but I think there's a way to set healthy boundaries with your partner about things that you want, things that you will accept and will not accept from your partner, but ultimatums make me the, I don't love them.

I don't like them in life either, like if someone's like, we gotta do this or that right now, I think they're angry and fear-based and typically do not work. Yeah, like how would you, like how could you phrase it differently like if someone's like, we gotta do this or that right now. I think they're angry and fear-based and typically do not work. Yeah, like how would you, like how could you phrase it differently

if it's something that you're like this, you're getting, because I feel like people give ultimatums when they're literally, they can't take it anymore, whatever it is that they're. Yeah, I mean, I think what happens is we do them because they work in the short term because we get scared, you know?

So we think of, for example, with like popping the question we're like, oh yeah, like you have to You know, we've to engage in or something and then the part or whatever it is They're gonna cave because they fear of abandonment and they fear they're gonna lose their partner due to this ultimatum That's not the way to do it But I think that the difference is when you Talk to your partner and you say you know what I understand that You might not want to get married right now

understand that you might not want to get married right now, but I'm actually, you know, I need to be in a relationship right now that's actually going to the next level. So I think that would be the way to have that instead of having an ultimatum or what are the other ultimatums people get or like, well, like, maybe if it's like about like a friend, like that they don't like to, if you continue to hang out that friend, like it's either me or him, you know what I mean? Oh, I've heard that stuff too. I think it's like about like a friend, like that they don't like, so if you continue to hang out that friend, like it's either me or him, you know what I mean? Or I'm like, oh, I've heard that stuff too. I think it's the same thing.

I have a really hard time being in a relationship with someone who has, you know, who chooses their friends, maybe the friend is destructive. Like whenever someone's drunk, crashes his car, like it's not healthy. I think to say it's hard time for me to be in around somebody who who's chosen to spend their free time

with someone who gets them dragged into all these behaviors or has them do things that aren't healthy. All right, guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls. Alright, let's chat with Amber. She's 29 in California and she says that her boyfriend says that sex once a day is still not enough. Does he now, Amber? Tell me everything. Hi! Hi! So, well, so I've been with my friends for six years. Okay.

And sometimes we have sex twice a week. I mean, twice a day. But usually it averages out to once a day. And sometimes it'll just be like, I can't believe we haven't had sex in forever. and I'm like, we just had sex last night. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah, that's it. And, like, especially we go out and get drunk and then we come home and I just want to fall asleep.

He's like, guess I'll just go jack off again. Oh, okay, God, you guys got into that thing. What are you talking about? I know. Well, that's the thing? What are you talking about? I know. Well, first of all, he should go jack off. Men jack off, they do it in relationships. Our relationships is healthy.

But you know what? He should make you feel bad. He doesn't even think that women going master rate or watch porn like that to him is like a caboo. Really? Okay. What? He doesn't think that women masturbate or they shouldn't masturbate. No, so he's never. I don't know if he's embarrassed to talk about it, but we've

been together for six years, right? Yeah. So we've talked about marriage and everything. Every time a porn situation has come up, he's like, he jokes out and he's like, who do you watch porn? And I'm like, like, I lie about you. Oh, okay. Well, listen, this is... But now it's like six years of lying. Yeah, yeah, six years is fine. You know what Amber? If this is your husband, your future husband, this is your year. You're gonna have a talk with him, and you're gonna be like, babe, I love you.

You're gonna do it outside the bedroom and you're gonna be like, I love you. I love our sex life. Like, first of all Amber, let me just tell you this, the fact that you're still having sex almost every day after six years, you should get a fucking medal. Have you been listening to the show?

I know. Like, nobody does that after the first year, two years. I mean, I only know. So you're doing great, girl. So what I'm saying is, and there's a thing, this is what I was talking about, sex education earlier, it's not just for kids, adults need it too. He doesn't understand women, maybe he grew up thinking

it was wrong, porn's wrong, he still has shame around sex because his parents told him not to masturbate or his religion, we don't know, but we all come into relationships with this preconceived notion about what sex is and no one ever tells us differently. So we assume. So now it's time for you to have an honest conversation with him about what you actually want. So you do masturbate, right? Yeah. Okay. Awesome. Do you know that my mission is to get women to masturbate more because we don't do it enough and the more we masturbate, the more sex. Yeah.

Weird is I don't like I don't want straight porn as weird. I like I like girl and girl porn. I don't know why most women know because most a lot of women who are not interested in being with women at all get turned on by a lesbian form, including myself, anyone else in here and with girl women. All the way. All four of us just raised our hands and we all watched lesbian points.

So you're good with that. Girl, my girl. What do they call it now? Yeah, so here's the thing. He's got a lot of learning to do. You got a lot of learning to do. And I think this could be amazing for your relationship. If it really like positive way, you could be honest.

You could say, babe, I do watch porn and I think it's really hot and I haven't told you this. But I think what you're going to start with is, you know what I've realized? We've never really talked about our sex life. And like in a way that I feel would be so good for us because I know you want sex all the time. And I love having sex with you too, but I want to have a conversation with you about it about what actually turns me on. And then baby, like fans

are so hot for couples. I'll bet you'll be like, he won't care that you haven't told him for six years. You could say to him, I didn't tell you because I feel like there was some judgment from you on it and I felt shame because most people do feel shame around it. And that's all we don't talk about it, right? So I'm trying to break that loop. Because nobody want you to feel shame too, probably, for his own things. So now you're like, listen, I actually do watch porn. And I would love to talk to you about ways

we could both get off and spice things up. So we both want to have sex the same time. And like, what's your fantasy? Here's mine. Not that you have to have sex with women, but like, what's your fantasy? Here's mine, not that you have to have sex with women, but like, you could watch it together. Yeah. It's totally.

Sometimes we'll just wake up and be like, okay, and I'm like, I'm not ready. Like, you need to make this happen. It's a process. I'm not just like waking up ready to have sex. Nobody else. You gotta get warmed up. You gotta go down and you, you gotta just fingers.

You need your toy, whatever it is. Of course, that's like, that's what women need. Nobody's ready in the morning. I'll talk to everybody. Good. Amber, let me know it goes. I'm here every night. Did you welcome, if I am, I have a great night. Communication? Is a lubrication. Talk about it.

That's like, yeah, I mean, like every day. And I mean, I would say I have a pretty high libido and I'd be down every day But if it was like more than that I would just be like I got to get Time what right who's got the time for sex twice a day if you're not on vacation or 18 Even then I can relate though at least on the comment that she made about how he's a go I guess I'll go jack off because I had a I had an ex who would spite masturbate right next to me in the bed. Spite masturbate.

Yeah, because he would come over late. In the bed, the worst. He'd come over late. Yeah, he'd come over late. And I would be like, I have school, this is back when I was in college. I was like, I have school in literally five hours. If you wanted to have sex, you should have came over

two hours ago. Exactly. And then he would just be like, kind of like, oh, fine, whatever. You never want to have sex Exactly. And then he would just be like, kind of like, oh, fine, whatever, you never want to have sex anymore. And then he would literally just shake the bed. Because I'd be like, just go masturbate if you really need to. And he would just do it next to me in bed and just shake the bed.

I'm like, so now I'm not sleeping anyways. That's so rude. So he's a young kid. But still, this is what I'm saying. Spite masturbate. Because that's another way that women do their fear. Yeah. I never even heard of that. I have. I'm like, I guess I'll, I

can't, no, I can't remember who's me or someone else. But like, yeah, I've heard that before. I've never done it. I've never done it. I've never done it. That's a known thing that that men will be like, oh, I guess I'll jack off and that women also feel offended when they do jack off. We're also confused about, I don't know the word, we are confused, but we also never had the right information that masturbation is part of having a healthy sex life. It's actually good for us.

It's nothing to be threatened by from your partner. And if we start talking about that right away, like Jamie, you could talk about masturbation. We're giving Jamie Fodder for her date tonight. Things to talk about ahead of time, you could ask him if he masturbates. Oh, I know, you know, I mean, we kind of did talk about that. That's true.

Jamie's like already covered it, date one. I know, you know, I mean, we kind of did talk about that. That's true. James, I already covered it day one. Oh, yeah. It was funny because we were talking about, because we, you know, we watched Ozark and then I was like, you know, made a joke. I'm like, yeah, this is totally turning me on, like not really, but it's actually a great show. So we actually rewound it and watched it

from the beginning all the way, start to finish. And then we were just talking about different things, like that illicit, I don't know, a horny miss or a horny feeling I'm like I could literally be watching cartoons and just okay we have Brittany who's 27 in New York and her boyfriend keeps asking her if he can eat her butt hmm so relevant Brittany hey thanks for calling you must be reading your minds here. We were just talking about that in the break. I love your show.

Thank you. My question is, it's actually the opposite. My boyfriend is just going to need a like, his, and he likes to like mine. Oh, OK. How do you feel about that? So, okay. Um, we've been together about a year and our sex life is pretty decent.

But sometimes if we're doing 69 and I'm down there or whatever, he's like, he's like, look at my butt. I'm like, mm, I mean, I just, I can't really just get myself to do that and I'm pretty adventurous and easy going with things. I get it. Well, what if you guys took a shower? What if you guys took a bath or a shower first? I mean, I was going to ask you, what's the cleanest

way to go about? I mean, that's what you do. Take a bath, take a shower. Like, before you have sex, you're totally clean. And really, you just need to like, if you want to like lick it, use some lube too, if you want to like put on your finger, if you don't want to do the licking it, because here's why anal licking, eating ass, it's like a whole thing right now, because I think that we see it a lot in porn.

That's one reason. But also it's, there's a lot of nerve endings outside the anus. So the whole like sphincter muscles and the rectum, just tracing a finger around there can feel great for men and for women. So if you use a little lube or a flavored lube, it might be cool and then taking a shower. And then you can just lick it and see how it is. But if he's clean and he's shower, it's just try once. And that's fine. I think so.

He doesn't say it all the time. Yeah, some people are more open. That's great that he does that to you all the time. And that's super cool that he's not in, that he's like, I just wanna do it. And that's hot. And maybe you'll get there one day if you like it. But if you're not there yet,

what I'm hearing from you is it's probably because it just feels kind of gross and dirty, right? I'm a journal. Oh, then of course he has to shower and then like shower again. Like that's fine though, honey, like embrace that. There's no, you want to go to ask without someone to shower? I'm not going to make you do that. Take a shower, clean, put some lotion on each other, light some candles and then

just like, it doesn't have to be a whole thing. You could just like during 69, like lick it a little up and down, play with your fingers a little bit and just tease it. You just want to see what it feels like because for a lot of men, that area feels amazing. A lot of straight men, you know? And they just are realizing that now, hopefully, a lot of it's in them, you know,

I talk about all the time, but for men, there's like inside too. There's a prostate, feels amazing. They've great orgasms. So yeah, you might really like it Then just start with a little bit licking and see how it goes Okay, all right in the moment If we're just doing 69 before we shower and he has me to do it. He's not shower. It's what can I do?

How long have you guys been together Brittany? Well over you okay. I think it's great to say so you don't have to worry about it next time you guys doing 69 You could say let's win this win's the next time you're gonna see them? Wow. All right, so you're going over there after work. Here's the thing, there's a lot of things that were like, well when, when, when I say, do it tomorrow night, say, I can't wait to have sex

night, let's shower, I wanna shower with you or bring over a new soap that you wanna try. Like, bring over, get them some body lotion, you know? I wanna try this new massage oil, shower together, and then do it. Do it tomorrow. Like, what do you, you know, like, let's just get this stuff off our lists.

So we can just move forward and create sex. All right, awesome. Kay, Brittany, then you get a commie, learn how it goes. We're here. Thanks for calling. Hold people accountable. Hold yourselves accountable. We've all been doing things in this room this week

that are just blowing my brain in mind. It's been a great week and it's been such a great week. We are like breaking through. Okay, let's talk to Ricky, who's 27 and a Colorado. Oh, he just hung up. It's a really good question, so I still want to answer it. He wants to know, he had a question about the dating scene for people in their 20s, so like how they can kind of tap into it. Oh, okay.

And he's in Colorado. Oh my God. I mean, I feel like it's like, it's in Denver, like the number one city living right now. Here's the thing about dating in your 20s, I think, and you guys can speak to this, is that it's kind of like dating at any time, but it's even better in your 20s. Like in your 20s is when people are mostly not matched up,

you're going out more after work. I think it's really about finding your people in your 20s that you like hanging out with. So great group of friends cultivating your community because that's how you meet people. It's through people you like. You're going to meet other people, which was like the whole thing on Facebook initially, like friends of friends. But really that's how we find love. So I think be active in your community. Do do things that you wouldn't normally do like sign up for a class that you actually been wanting to take

or at your gym, do a class there. Talk to people that you would practice talking to people. So here's the other thing. I think that there's a lot of fear around approaching and just talking, especially now with like cell phones and we're just always have an entertainment with us. So we're not even like making eye contact, but there's a lot to be said for just going up

to someone and start talking and practice communicating with people that you're attracted to or not, because it's just a skill. Tell everyone you know that you're single, go on the apps if you want. What do you guys think dating your 20s? I've got a bunch of 20 year olds here. I mean, I just want you to talk about this today,

how like I feel like more and more millennials are also feeling more burnt out from using dating apps. And like I for one, I'm definitely talking about this today, how like I feel like more and more millennials are also feeling more burnt out from Using dating apps and like I for one I'm definitely like trying to do just like more things that I'm interested in meeting people more Organically and in person because I just feel a better connection that way and I feel like I'm also better in person As well like on the apps exactly we were saying I think I'm saying well in the 90s when I was in my 20s and dating I we had no internet we didn't have phones, we didn't have apps, you'd have to go out. And I really just would, and I'm not even a big dream,

I've never been like a huge drinker, like not that I didn't go to bars, not fun, but like I really just in my life, like through work or going to dinner, saying yes to things and meeting new friends and just going to parties and being active. I was an athlete, so when Marathon's like, I would just be open to my life.

Yeah, so it's like to like Denver, so many like amazing like outdoor activities or such a like great way to meet people. So much. I don't know what you're into, but. Yeah, like any whatever you're into, like I think why not do the things that you love and that you're into because then you're obviously

going to be who actually have something common with you. All right guys, I hope you enjoyed this show. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamily.com. you